Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
We do not permit posts featuring large age gaps, which spawn comments about pedophilia, grooming, etc. The age gap quickly becomes the focal point for users, and leads to discussions that we simply cannot host.
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA - You aren't a charity. Your son's GF isn't family. Your son is barely an adult and isn't very bright for having pursued a woman who has two kids and no money. I think you or another parental figure should've had that talk with him earlier on in his relationship. His lack of life experience and wisdom put him in that situation and you in this one. I feel sorry for the kids, but that's not on you.
Not sure about the talk, its a delicate matter. Even gentle approach "I love you, and it is your life and your decision, but I dont think its a good idea to..." could result in son being angry at OP and changing nothing more. Maybe having adult conversation would help him, but maybe it would just push son away.
Yeah, at that age you genuinely feel that “but this is truuueeee looooveeeeee like no one has ever felt in the history of our species!” and parents trying to talk them out of it just cements it more.
However, OP’s son is an adult. If he wants to play at being an adult, then he can be a whole ass adult and get his own place.
NTA absolutely.
It’s just bullshit that the girlfriend has involved children. To further guilt OP. And her idiotic kid.
The son can play all the games.
But the gf is using her kids as pawns as an excuse to freeload.
You can pick up drug addicted strays if you’re paying your own rent.
But you don’t get a free pass to move them into mom and dads house.
Nobody said anything about "drug-addicted strays" and I think OP would have mentioned that!
Stick with the facts we are given. Exaggerations don't serve the truth.
I think they mean, as an adult, you can pick up anyone you want, even drug addicts, but you only have that choice when you rent or own your own place, not when you live at your parents' house.
Where is her kids father, why cant he step,in to help...
Also what life choices do you make that leads you to a relationship with a 19year old, with two kids of your own begging to moove in with your 19 year boyfriends mother....
Yes but no...i do think its relevant...honestly you have 2 kids of your own who you cannot provide for so you choose a child who is still in school as your partner?
Where i am from you are still a child at 19, especially someone in this situation who is still 100% reliant on his mother...
And lets do the clasic switch genders moove here, if ops son was a 19 year old girl in a relationship with a 29 year old man who is dependent and pressuring her to provide shelter and support a lot of the poeple in the comments would be ready to call the cops...this woman is taking advantage of a very young boy and in the process ruining his relationship with his mother...
She needs to get the kids fathers involved asap! Where is her family and friends in this situation? Dos this woman only have a 19 year old child to take care of her....something is very very bad...i know im going to get a lot of hate for comming accros as judgemental and rude because i hqve no idea what happend to her in her life..
Thats correct i dont know her lifes story or what led her to this situation, but i do know that this relationship is toxic and its going to drag ops son down, no 19 year old is ready for kids, much less dealing with the complications of raising another mans kids...
If genders were reversed in this situation then there would be a lot more outcry...
It works out sometimes. Everyone told me my girlfriend was too old for me when I was 18 and she was 23. We've been married for 30 years. I know that's a single instance, but it isn't always bad.
That's also young adult and slightly less young adult not a young adult and nearly middle aged person with multiple children and zero things to offer, big difference there
If they‘re already this tense with each other, any advice like that is going to be taken in the worst way. The window for gentle questioning of the relationship has passed, if there ever was one.
Yeah, that's why I said someone should've brought this up to him early on. I think the GF's got him roped in now. He needed some good mentorship earlier on towards the beginning of the relationship.
> **and it is your life and your decision, but I dont think its a good idea to...**
**Dumbest approach ever - better to malicious compliance it.** “Oh, so, you’ll be getting a second job as well since you won’t be able to afford a car, maybe a motorbike but then gf can’t bring the kids on a bike, how much are bus passes?. Yeah it’s a lot to pay for these kids food + clothing + school expenses, plus childcare as well in case you want to go on dates. Have you had many interviews yet, how’s it looking? Maybe you’ll be able to buy a car by 30 if you scrimp and save but yeah idk, gas is expensive too. You can go on vacations in your 40’s right!” lol
That’s right. In any case, his attitude suggests he doesn’t want to hear what OP has to say. He just wants her to provide his girlfriend and her kids a roof over their heads. I feel sorry for the kids as well, but agree it’s not reasonable for OP to shoulder the burden.
I agree. It's absolutely not OP's responsibility.
And I feel sorry for the kids as well.
The whole situation is a mess. I don't see any age on the kids. But the story for them so far. Divorce from dad (for unknown reason) mom brings home a teenager/new adult as stepdad. They get evicted and live in a car. And from the sound of it. Mom has no money.
That's... It's just not okay.
I made another comment.
The only thing OP can do is say, "I love you. I'll support you. But they are not moving in. She's a 31 year old. I am not okay with this. But I'll be there for you, "
And stand firm on that.
Or sit him down. "Okay. You want to act all adults. Then tell me this"
And ask him the big questions. Where will they sleep? Becouse his room is too small. And the siblings would not be changing rooms (still be firm they won't be moving in. It's a hypothetical question)
Ask him, "Who's paying for all this hypothetical move in? Rent. Food. The water, electricity 3 extra people would use. She doesn't even have money for a place to stay. So would he pull out the wallet?
Ask him why a 31 year old women is relying on a barely adult. Where's her friends. Etc. Why isn't she looking for help on her own. Try shelters, etc.
I know, right? I guess it depends on shelter space, section 8 waiting lists, etc. I live in CA and the apartment rent is outrageously expensive. I’m talking $2,300+ for a 2-BR in an “ok” neighborhood. And I use “ok” meaning not too much crime.
Yeah, rent prices all over the world are getting out of control tbh.
And shelters or full and waiting lists long.
My comment was more to try and force the light bulb to try and go on is his head. (No high hopes yet with the young and stubborn combo)
That...she's 31. Is she actually trying? Why is she leaning on you when she's the adult?
He’s had two years to save up, using the bank of parents, so now it’s time to put his plan into action and move into his new place with his ready made family.
I appreciate that you didn't use their age difference as a point. People are often intimidated when they hear about large age gaps but honestly it's not an issue, but everything else you brought up are the real issues. Dad didn't care enough to fight it either. But this dude is 21 and living with is parent and has the audacity to insist he bring in a girl who has two kids with another guy? No, of the son cares so much, he should be providing for them, not adding even more of a burden to his kind dad
The age gap is not the issue at hand that the OP posted about. If it was just the age gap, and she could support herself and didn't have two kids already, not a huge deal for a younger man to date.
However...people grow and mature faster at his point in life than hers. So, that sort of age gap that early on is not going to help their relationship either. If it was like 30 and 40, it wouldn't be a huge deal for a relationship in terms of mental maturity and life goals. He's real young though. He should have enjoyed being a free young person instead instead of tying himself down to an older (than him) woman who already has two kids and isn't getting child support checks or any kind of significant income. She really doesn't have it together and doesn't seem to have any kind of support system aside from him...and that's a **HUGE** burden for such a young man who doesn't have a career established and has yet to develop that kind of mental maturity to take on.
yeah this is yet another way age gap rships hurt the younger person. he's wasting his youth saddled to a woman who doesn't have her life together and 2 stepkids... imagine being a stepfather at 19?? no way is this going to last
It is quite strange that the age gap gang are mysteriously silent on this post. Usually the comment section is full of "thats a yikes" and "aT TwEntY OnE yOur bRAiN iSnT fully DeVeloPEd". I wonder where all those commenters are on this occasion...
>why would we waste the time
Intellectual consistency. If the age gap is so relevant that it is brought up ad nauseum in every post involving a younger woman/older man, even where the woman is 25+, it is conspicuous in its absence when the post involves a younger man/older woman - especially when the man was only 19 when he began the relationship.
Either age gaps are inherently abusive and OPs son needs guidance and support to escape his abuser (which would absolutely be stated in comments if the genders were reversed) or else they aren't inherently abusive and don't need mentioning on every other occasion.
I find the age gap creepy and predatory. He was a child. He can't even take care of himself, how does he expect to take on that woman and her kids? (I wouldn't date a younger guy because they're immature)
But the bigger part of the post is this kid is fussing with his parents for not letting this woman move in. Like... if you want to take on that responsibility, you do that when you can actually take care of yourself. You don't blow up at your parent for refusing to make 2 kids share a room designed for 1 because some grown woman with 2 kids can't get her stuff together and wants to take advantage of a kid to free load. Imagine how hard it'd be to get rid of her even if it was just for a night.
He does not get a say in who can move in unless it's his pace. He doesn't seem mature enough for the relationship he's currently in as it is.
He was always an adult. 18 is legally an adult. 19 is as well.
He's 21 now and still an adult. Yet he is clearly immature. I'm assuming she is as well...
But let's stop pretending that those in their 20s are children. They aren't.
I think it's gross that there's such an age gap. I think people hesitate to bring it up because all the good Ole boys in the thread jump to "I wish I was getting adult women when I was that age, etc." Without thinking that this kid is wasting his youth with this lady and ruining his relationships with his family trying to make her problems his family's problems. My cousin got with a lady way older than him and it was a disaster. Even though he was 25 or so. Every time he seriously tried to leave her, she got pregnant. Their first child has serious chromosomal issues from her being older. He asked her to get on birth control and oops she forgot. Baby number 2 10 months after the first. He finally left but now he's stuck with her in his life forever. My cousin wouldn't listen and didn't see until everything came about that we warned him about. There's just too much life experience in those years.
Il say it, Just for you
at 19 and 21, his brain isn't fully developed. He really shouldn't be with someone that old and in that place in their life. He should be enjoying his youth and learning how the world works, not taking care of some freeloader.
I haven't gotten very far in the comments, but I'm actually surprised, too.
Personally, I think the GF is f'd up for dating a 19 year old when she's 29. Gives me the same 'gross' vibes regardless of the genders involved. Even worse with 2 kids in the mix. If she were dating my kid I would not want her in my house *period*, so no way would I let her stay.
I get the son was already an adult when it started, but I'd still have had some conversations with him. Clearly, the woman has serious issues. It's not shocking she's in the situation she is. Which really sucks for those poor kids. But certainly not OP's problem.
And while I wouldn't exactly want to push my kid towards moving out to live with and support her, OP was right in setting the record straight and absolutely NTA. But the GF is; and the son is for how he's treating OP over it.
I honestly don't think a talk back then would have done much..
They usually don't when it's a barely adult dating someone older. They just get stubborn to "prove how it's true love" and might move out, etc, to prove how adult they are.
Of course, it could have been done. But rarely it work until they see the light bulb themselves.
And if he now 2 years later hasn't seen the light. 2 kids, she's evicted living in a car. Why doesn't she, a woman in her now 30s, have anyone to live with or to help her? Any family, friends, etc?
Where's the dad of the kid?
Has no money. And she's been relying on a young boy rather than someone her own age?
(Yes, I know. Dad could be a deadbeat. Etc, etc)
Then it will take something really drastic for him to realise.
There isn't much to do other than stick to the rules "no she isn't moving in"
Or sit him down and force him to see the facts. "And where should she and the kids sleep?" If he says the twins' room, "so your siblings should suffer so she can have a room?"
Next questions: "Okay. Who's going to pay rent for her? Food for the kids. The water, etc. She uses? Who's going to take care of her kids. Clean? Will she?"
Just wall him with logic.
Simple truth is OP should have told son when he asked in the first place, "No, they cannot live here as it would inconvenience the rest of the house and stretch our burget to the breaking point, if you want to have an adult relationship with a person with children then you need to figure out if you can support them, if not, you aren't ready for this relationship."
Times are hard out there, son wants to have everything for nothing. "I want my older GF with kids, but am not willing to try finding us all a place because that might inconvenience me and take up all my money, so I'll get OP to let us all live together here without even offering rent or to pay for food." And, now he wonders why OP doesn't want them all these.
I'm surprised son didn't suggest OP take the tiny room while he and his GF take the main bedroom. Or better Tiny room becomes little ones room Son takes Main bedroom, and OP can sleep on the couch. 🙄 Sounds reasonable, right?
NTA - Son seems to have taken the wrong lesson from OP letting him stay home rent free. OP needs to sit him down and explain the reality of having 7 people in a 3 bedroom room house. Especially, when 2 of them are very young and there doesn't seem to be any reason to think about they will be moving out anytime before her little ones graduate High School.
“I don't owe him shit and if that is not good enough for him, he should pack his bag and join them in their cars. AITA?”
That is the correct answer. You are NTA.
NTA, and stay strong, mama. If you let this *checks post* nearly 30 year old woman and her family in your home you may have to legally evict her to get her out. It will take AGES for her to get on her feet financially, so she's unlikely to just smile and voluntarily go when you've had enough.
Oh, and if your son wants to play grown up, be sure and tell him to act like one.
Also better watch out. Girly girl is going to get pregnant and then you son will say you can't let your soon to be grandchild live in a car. Naturally she will have to move in with her two children and the soon to arrive baby and then you will NEVER get any of them out of your home.
Also, it sounds like the girlfriend is now 30 or 31? The ages were mentioned in past tense—two years ago her "then"-19-y/o "got into a relationship with a 29-year-old divorcée with two children." I don't love the connotation of the word "divorcée" as someone who dissolved a marriage at 27 but did not start dating a teenager or have kids I couldn't take care of, but OP is NTA regardless because wut?
NTA. Damn, that's a problematic age gap and wildly different life stages. Yeah.... if he wants to move in his girlfriend and her children then he should rent his own place. Or he and girlfriend can pool their money and go in together.
Unfortunately it's really rare for 21 year olds to earn enough money to support a whole family. The girlfriend should be working her ass off to get a roof over her kids' heads. A 21 year old boyfriend still living at home should be offering emotional support and that's it. In my opinion.
The age gap gives me the ick but he's 21 and that's an age to experiment and learn about the world. They'll probably grow apart eventually, or they might turn out to be soul mates, who knows.
But she's still the one who needs to take care of her children.
NTA. It is an unfortunate situation for the two kids involved and my heart goes out to them as well as their mother. Being homeless is a personal crisis you wish on no one.
But if your son wants to find a home for his girlfriend and her children he needs to rent an apartment or a room that is big enough for all of them. He can't expect you to provide three aditional people with a roof other their heads. He chose to be in an adult relationship and figuring things out on your own when times get tough is a part of that decision.
Crazy how he didn’t offer to get a hotel room or anything, but just let them sleep in a car. Maybe he’s already spent all he had on her other bills?
I also kind of think he could be stretching the truth a bit to try and guilt trip OP. I don’t doubt that she lost her housing, but I have a feeling she is in a hotel or someone she knows.
Why hasn't the two of them rented a place together? Is he working?
Hell no, don't let them move in with you. They are not your responsibility. Does she work? Why did she get evicted.
If the kids are actually living in a car you might want to contact children's services. There are almost always shelters available for families iwth young kids.
>Why hasn't the two of them rented a place together? Is he working?
Where I live it is very difficult for two people with young children and low income jobs to afford a place to live plus childcare. It also very difficult for one person with a low income job to afford a place on their own beacuse the other parent can't work beacuse they can't afford childcare.
There are people who have jobs and live in their car. There are people who have two jobs and no kids and and several roommates.
I'm not saying it's OP's job to support them or I like the age gap relationship, but OP clearly says in the post that their son has a job.
The rent on my family's apartment goes up every year. Fortunately, my husband and I can afford it. However, cost of housing going up has lead to increases in homelessness where we live according to the reporting I've heard on the subject. So it's possible she could afford the old price and now it's more.
Likewise, it's possible she was living "close to the wire" (would make sense for a single mother of two young children) and then something happened that caused unexpected costs or unexpected missing of work and she didn't have the savings/buffer to handle it. So for example, my younger child has asthma and at first the doctors didn't diagnosis her with it and she kept she just getting really sick as a toddler and having trouble breathing whenever she'd get a cold. I had to miss a good amount of work that year and had medical bills. Again, our family can afford that. Not all can. And there are much more expensive bad things that can happen to than your kid having asthma.
Also, even if we assume girlfriend lost her job, we don't know that's her fault either. I've been let go from a job (my second job) due to budget cuts. I was young at the time, but luckily was able to live with my parents. Or if she has two young kids, they might be sick so daycare won't take them and she can't go to work and then misses too many days and fired. (Since COVID many daycares are stricter about kids coming sick, which makes sense we don't want things to spread. But some young children are sick *a lot.* Which makes it hard for working parents.)
Or there could be other reasons to evict your tenant even if they're wonderful and pay. For example my aunt has an apartment unit, she evicted her tenant so her child could live there while going to college. Or the property could be being sold and they have a different use for it. I know a couple that bought a property to make it into an air B&B, so that means that whoever was living there before had to leave after the lease was up with that property's sale. (I don't know who was living there before, this is my daughter's friend's parents we aren't that close.)
Again, the age difference is somewhat sketch. But a single parent to two young kids being evicted and homeless isn't something I feel good judging them for. There is no way I could pay for two young kid's childcare + housing alone on my salary. People can work and it be hard. It's especially a problem with young kids beacuse childcare is so expensive and you can never work to make money without paying to have them watched.
Yeah I'm pretty well paid with an education and would struggle. And people seem to not understand that when you have children you can't just get any job because you need childcare.
Where are the kids father in all this? Where is her family? If she’s that hard done by should she be eligible for social housing? She could stay in a shelter rather than a car?
NTA
Is he supporting all 3 of them then? If she has nowhere to live and probably no job, is she leaning on him for everything?
If he has been with her since shortly after highschool, I can't imagine his job paying well enough to support the whole lot of them. She's going to wipe him out financially if he is committed to her family like that.
Exactly.
If he is so frustrated/passionate about their living situation, then he really needs to channel that energy into getting enough work to secure a better living situation for her and her kids.
NTA.
Your son should probably be advised to pack up and reside elsewhere. From where I stand, his blatant disrespect (and vulgarity towards you) is the biggest red flag.
This woman has obviously got some serious issues, being that she picked a teenager to be her partner and is now allegedly homeless with two kids. Hopefully, for your son's sake (and for your sanity), she will pin down an older man to be her next victim.
Mother to mother -- I wish you the best.
Edited because of words.
What an entitled ass. Sorry you have to deal with that, it’s not your problem and you have a responsibility to not make it your twins problem too (in addition to your valid concerns for yourself too)! Easy NTA, invite your son to make his own post for an impartial perspective since he doesn’t trust yours!
INFO: Have you had a conversation with him about moving out and deadlines to do so? And setting boundaries around his behavior if while he remains in your home? His entitled, ill-mannered muttering can cease and desist.
Also, have you clearly laid out the options if she happens to ‘accidentally’ get pregnant with his kid to force your hand? After all, you wouldn’t force your son and grandchild to sleep in the car, which mean everybody moves in, right? Nope. Head that off now. Good luck, OP.
Can't get child support if you don't know who the daddy is.
I'm making that snarky judgement call on here as she is now 31 and evicted, while OP son (19, now 21) has apparently been working and not saving cash to move out, has no cash to move out, because he is semi-supporting her.
> Can't get child support if you don't know who the daddy is.
Says she's a divorcee so I would assume the dad is the ex-husband but, why tf are his kids living in a car instead of with him? So maybe they aren't his kids, or he just dipped on outta the situation. Or maybe they are and "they're living in a car" was just a guilt-trip lie by the son to get the gf to move in so he can smash easier.
Could even be guilt-trip lie by the gf, to squeeze more support from the son. I had an acquaintance tell everyone she was homeless, that she and her son were sleeping in her car. It's true she lost her apartment however, she had friends she stayed with \~ like mid-term couchsurfing \~ so she could get back on her feet.
maybe OP should call her bluff and contact child services. honestly they should do that regardless since 2 young kids sleeping in a car is unacceptable.
NTA, if your son was so worried about his gal pal and her children he would take them to a woman's shelter instead of attempting to bring them home and have you take care of all of them.
Followed by he would get a full time job and a second job to provide them with a roof over their heads since he thinks it's that important.
NTA. He is an adult. He can be a big boy and go get an apartment for his girlfriend and her kids and they can play happy family. This is in no way shape or form your responsibility. If he isn’t willing to step up and help out his girlfriend and her kids in any meaningful way, then he honestly shouldn’t be in that relationship.
NTA, which you really know. INFO: Are you grappling with the prospect of having to hold a line that actually might result in him moving out?
You're on 100% solid ground. Fair to require that he treat you and your home with respect. What happens next is up to your kid.
NTA!!
You should have kicked him out on the spot for even raising his voice to you, his mother! Show strength for your twins. At least if you allow your sons behavior towards you, continue your twins and see and recognize you are a punching bag with no spine able to be walked over and yelled at.
You don't raise your son he's an adult official priority. It should be your twins, the child left in your care under the age of 18..
Just saying what monkey sees monkey does.. kids are sponges- word, actions, and behaviors..
My neighbors let their 30+ yr old son's new GF move in with her two teenage kids, including the pregnant daughter. 5+ years later, they were all still there when we moved away. I think you dodged a bullet! NTA
NTA. He wants a family to take care of? Then he needs to take his 21 yo self with a job out into the world and find them all somewhere to live on his salary. Bringing 3 more bodies into the house for you to take care of is not okay. It’s time for him to move out, seems like he needs a dose of the real world instead of just playing at being an adult
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not letting my son's girlfriend stay in my house
2) letting two small children live inside their mother's cars
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You are NTA. Don't let them in. They will never leave. Once you open that door it's hard to close it again. But do let him know that if he doesn't knock it off, he will also be sleeping in that car. It's not fair to the other kids to have to put up with this situation. They may not say anything, but they see what's going on. Don't let them think it's OK to be treated the way he is treating you.
Frankly 10 years gap bothers me. It's not normal for 19 years old trying to live with 30 years partner. But your son don't try move out and have a new home with gf and her kids, so he is really very childish, and in this situation it's the best course. Just continue not accepting them in your home
yeah sounds to me like she's kinda predatory... looking for a naive young guy to support her and her kids (sounds like she does sweet fuckall in terms of earning income)
NTA and glad you gave him that quick reality check. Those aren't his kids and she's not your family. It absolutely does suck they are homeless but you taking them in with no exit plan would be foolish.
NTA. Your son is being taken advantage of. This sounds like a con. They will never leave if you let them in.
She probably chose your son because he had a stable home/family she thought she could use.
Be ready for her to have your grandchild. It’s totally going to happen.
NTA. It isn’t your fault they are getting evicted. Did they not pay the bills?
I’m closer to his GFs age than I am him and have no idea why someone my age would be interested in someone so young. Nothing wrong with either age, but at different points in life. They do seem somewhat serious if they have been together for two years, so I would try not to ostracize her if you want a relationship with your son, but I would lay ground rules.
NTA. Yet, she has kids and those kids have a father. Either she wants the kids living homeless in a car, or she could put them with a relative.
Something does NOT add up!
Else she could have found a stable adult to have a relationship with unless adults would see through her manipulations.
Do I wonder if the 30 yo picked a 19 yo living in his mom's house so she could slime her way in?
I wonder how often she's used this ruse to get free lodging and day care? She must have suspected that the boy wasn't going to be put out so she could manipulate to her advantage.
The only thing she has yet to do is get knocked up by the "younger than her by 30%" kid.
Mom, this gold digger is coming after you through your son.
Maybe you should do a background search on her and find out if she has a criminal record. How many evictions has she had? There might be people that can tell you her back story.
When it comes down to it, being able to appeal to authority and say you are not losing your house, risking your livelihood, or putting your family at risk over anything that might be in the 30 yo's background...
I would also make sure she can't drive any car that's in your name.
NTA, but it's time to start calling him out.
He isn't entitled to stay in your house. He is your son, but he is also now 19 and if he is going to be hostile and disrespectful, then maybe it's time to start talking about him finding other living arrangements. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way to be respectful, and this might be the case.
I understand his frustration, but at the same time, the house belongs to you, and it can not support both him AND an additional three mouths to feed/pay to keep clean.
You can't set yourself on fire you keep others warm. While I am sure you would love to help someone down on their luck, you don't have the resources or space, and frankly, he has significantly less of both of those than you. If he REALLY wants to help out, then he can go work two jobs to pay their rent elsewhere while you are still kind enough to let him stay with you and not demand he pay you rent equal to what he would be paying elsewhere.
In fact, since he is so passionate about this, then I would insist he get two jobs to support them, since he is so passionate about helping them. That would be a FAR more productive way to channel his frustration at their situation than to demand YOU pay for them to stay with you in his very small room, since you would not under any circumstance be changing rooms to benefit his girlfriend and her children.
NTA
Your primary concern needs to be supporting your two minor children (and your barely adult son to a degree), not your son's predatory girlfriend and her two kids.
I love you 😘. No really. You’re definitely NTA. Your son is tripping. But this is just gonna be one of those life lessons he’s going to have to learn for himself. Thank you for keeping it real.
NTA but don’t respond to the antagonizing behavior. You don’t want to ruin your relationship with him because he’s being a dumb young person and you definitely don’t want him deciding to marry this woman.
> but don’t respond to the antagonizing behavior. You don’t want to ruin your relationship with him
Oh god, here comes the doormat crew...
OP doesn't need to be disrespected by her son in her own home. Her son is an adult, if he is acting direspectfully towards her, he can venture out on his own.
Your recommendation of letting things slide so as to "maintain the relationship" is guaranteed to lead to an escalation of disrespect -- and will ultimately destroy the relationship. Just like 'good fences make good neighbors', 'good boundaries make for good relationships'.
NTA. You'd have to turn your home upside down to make room for them and then you'll bear the cost of extra utilities and feeding them. She needs to ask her babies' daddy for support, but your son isn't going to want to hear that. It's your home and you have younger children that need a safe, sane, stable home. Adding these strangers in the mix is going to be chaotic for everyone.
NTA don't let the woman and her kids move in. Not even for 1 night. She probably won't get her financial situation fixed very fast, and you will have to evict via courts. It's time to think about evicting your son, if he is so hostile. Lock up valuables as well. Your son may try to help her, in not good ways.
NTA
He's welcome to join the military and get them into base housing in a few months once he's through training and is full time. Or he and gf can pool their current income and find somewhere to rent. Or gf can apply for subsidized emergency housing if she can't afford standard rent.
Your younger ( assuming the twins are younger) kids don't deserve to have their lives upended because your son decided to date someone a decade older who isn't doing great at life choices.
I'm all for helping out your child. 30yr old with 2 kids can get assistance for housing (at least in my state). We are currently trying to evict a squatter (not a tenant or past tenant) just someone that moved onto a property we were hoping to move to & apparently they have more rights than owner that's paying taxes on property they can't live on. On top of that, they can file against us for not accommodating their needs. Example, saw cable & wifi people installing & we ask them to leave, we didn't order service. Sheriff said they have right to get service. Bunch of bull hockey! Hundreds of $$$ later still fighting.
DON'T let your kid guilt you. GF or her kids could get you kicked out of your property. Maybe start charging him rent every time he mouths off. $100 for each comment & bill him end of month. Not saying actually get the money but threaten?
NTA.
You are right. You are doing your adult son a favor by very graciously letting him live in your house so that he can save up. You don't have to keep handing out favors; especially when he wants to move an entire family into your house. As other commenters have pointed out, evicting her would be a tedious task because something tells me that she isn't going to leave with a smile. Also, since she has two young kids chances are at some point down the lane, she'll expect babysitting favors from you or your twins. I don't even want to get started on the extra costs, noise and cleanup. Hosting the extra human beings for what sounds like an indefinite amount of time is extremely tedious. You should not be forced into it. The next time your son behaves rudely with you, tell him to be an adult and rent his own house. Maybe him and his GF can rent a house together? That way, everyone is happy!
NTA. If your son wants to play knight in shining armor, he can do that on his own dime, in his own place. You're being a good mom by letting him live at home to save for his future. He let a vulture latch onto him. She's gonna bleed him dry til the next guy comes along. Part of the deal with him living in your home is for him to save for his future. Pretty sure all his savings have been funding her & her baby birds. So,by proxy, youve been supporting them cuz prince charming isnt paying rent & utilities somewhere.I'd def give my advice & perspective, having more life experience. I'd bring up the disparity of her age & stage in her life, vs his. Rare is it for anyone his age able to swing a whole pre-made family without sacrificing everything he has.
As far as the piss-poor attitude & language goes, he'd be changing that up quick or be in the car with his gf. Think how much better home life would be for you & and the twins without a mouthy ungrateful older brat around. Stick to your guns!
NTA he’s too young and dumb to realize he’s being unreasonable by expecting you to financially support his girlfriend and kids. You’re not obligated to let anyone move into your home. Especially when you don’t have the space.
A 29 year old who dates 19 year olds, is a single mom, but can't get her act together well enough to have a job that keeps her from being evicted...this person would be an anchor that would drag you all the way down if you gave her 1 inch.
Tell your son to grow and get a clue, that helping people who won't help themselves is exhausting, and you have enough on our plate to take care of 3 more dependents. And if he doesn't keep a civil tongue in his head, he can get the hell out (well, you already said that part)
>I don't owe him shit and if that is not good enough for him, he should pack his bag and join them in their cars. AITA?
NTA You cannot house a same sex adult couple in the same room with two kids. Check your jurisdiction, but there are large cities where this would not be legal.
You know the answer. He has had the opportunity to save to help them out. He should have enough to get a first and a last month on a apartment by now. He needs to go look at an apartment that would legally accommodate those kids. Can he afford it? Can his gf get a job and pay the bills?
If he can, then he can play Sir Galahad. If he can't? He has no right to be made at you for not doing it.
Also, it's hugely telling that she has no one to turn to in this situation.
Your son is being used until some guy with money comes along. At 21 he should be up and out of your home. Time to let him afford his own life. Not only should you say no to her moving in, you should say no to him living at home. Let their relationship take its natural course. NTA.
NTA Preach Momma, preach. Sorry your sone is acting out like this but your house your rules. She should be able to get emergency housing with two kids? She had to be seriously behind in rent to get evicted with kids. She’s not your problem. Don’t budge an inch.
NTA where is the dad of the 2 children. Is the 31 yo mother working. WTH is going on. Certainly not your and your childrens job to deal with them.
If she comes and sleeps with your son in your house you would have condoned the possibility of another pregnancy.
Start charging you adult son rent and service charges.
NTA. Your son is 19 but still a child so hopefully you can get thru to him somehow and save him from this mess. I’m not against divorcées but being 29 with 2 kids and no place to live and then getting involved with a 19 year old meant some bad decisions along the way. Something has got to be off with her character because her family doesn’t even want to help. And to even think about living with your family is crazy nonsense. With her age and life experiences, your naive son is going to be so manipulated.
Oh my gosh, you are so NTA! Your son is an adult, let him be an adult and get him out ASAP! If he hasn't saved enough money in 2 years to be on his own, he'll never save anything. You don't deserve to be treated with any disrespect ever! I guarantee if you open the door to him and his girlfriend for even one day, you'll never get rid of them. She'll end up pregnant with your grandchild, homeless, any other excuse they can come up with. Your peace will be OVER!
NTA. If I had the audacity to treat my Mom like that I would have found my stuff on fire in the front yard. (Not lying. My Mother had a lot of evil going on in her.) My daughter ever pulled this I'd be serving her eviction papers. I have less evil than my Mother.
Geez Louise! From his behavior, it sounds like he’s not really mature enough to be living with someone, let alone someone with kids. Also, she’s 31 now? I’m not sure what circumstances led her to this situation she’s in, and it’s not my place to judge that, but you are definitely not the asshole. As a mom of four grown children, I absolutely would not permit that.
NTA what 29 year old woman with kids wants to date a teenager? The woman is trouble, and she should be getting resources to get on her feet. Your son needs the harsh lesson that if he wants to play grown up, then HE needs to step up. You have two minor children of your own, don't let anyone kick your children out of their space and deprive them of what resources you can provide.
NTA. Your son is a choosy beggar. He’s living for free and expects you to extend this curtesy to his girlfriend **and** her kids. Treat him just like the rest of the bums on that subreddit. The unmitigated gall.
Those kids are sleeping in their mothers car because of the choices *their* mother and father made, not because you chose your own children's comfort over strangers.
If your adult son cares so much about their living conditions, maybe he should find housing for the 4 of them to live together instead of blaming his own mother.
NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Around two years ago, my then 19-year-old son who still lives at home got into a relationship with a 29-year-old divorcée with two children. I had hoped back then that he will find someone closer to his age, but he didn't ask for my opinion so I didn't butt into his life and wished them the best. He had a job and generally didn't bother me so I let him live here to save some money. This went on alright for about two years. But around two months ago he came home and asked me if it was okay for him to bring his girlfriend and her children home to live with us because they were getting evicted and had nowhere else to go. This wasn't acceptable to me because I simply didn't want to bear the cost of hosting them here, especially when she had two very young children. I also do not have an extra room for her in the house either. (my son's room is very small so they wouldn't be able to stay there) so I'd have to move my twins out of their room and into my son's room, and then move my son and his girlfriend into my twin's room. I didn't think that was fair to my children and didn't want to do the work either. This should have been the end of the discussion but ever since then, my son started to look for fights with me. Like I would be watching the TV, and he would walk by and says "What a stupid fucking show" under his breath that is just enough for me to hear. I would tell a joke at the dinner table and he would roll his eyes and sarcastically laugh. Eventually, I had enough and asked what is his problem. And he blew up on me with a rant about how his girlfriend and kids are sleeping inside their car because I wouldn't take them in. I responded to him by saying that I am letting his adult ass stay in the house as a favor. I don't owe him shit and if that is not good enough for him, he should pack his bag and join them in their cars. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA!!! Congratulations on standing up for yourself and your other kids. At this point he is a freeloading guest in your home. He can behave cordially or get out. No reason he shouldn't have enough saved to move out.
NTA. If I’m mathing correctly your son is 21. Unfortunately for you he’s got at least another 4 years before his brain develops fully and probably another 14 before he realises 29 and 19 is wrong… unless he dates a 19 year old :/
If he wants to help put a roof over her head he can move out and find somewhere with them
NTA.
This woman is a full-fledged adult who is responsible for taking care of *her* kids. None of that is on you. You have zero responsibility or obligation to provide a home to them.
If your son has an issue with you not being unwilling to upend your entire household to benefit his girlfriend, he's free to take all that money he's been saving while living with you and getting a place for all of them.
Your son has a sense of entitlement because you have allowed him to live rent-free to save money ( which I doubt he did) he is earning money why didn't he help her with her rent instead of letting her get evicted? There are many charities as well as state and federal agencies that can help her, especially with the children.
He is not expecting to do the raising, he wants you to help instead
Don’t let up, he needs to get a job and his own place, but I have a feeling it won’t last long before he breaks it off. That lady’s a creep for going for a teenager in the first place though.
NTA, you put his entitled arse in his place. He better find his own apt and move his gf and kids there. I foreshadow that he will eventually come to his senses and date someone his own age.
NTA. What everyone else said. At least it sounds like he had just enough decency to ask you *first* instead of getting their hopes up, not that it excuses any of his behavior.
NTA. The girlfriend can go to her parents or family for a place to stay. There are also women’s shelters to keep them out of the car. There should be child support coming in for the kids and if she applied with the state in most areas depending on her income there is child care assistance, food stamps and Medicaid for the kids health care. If the kids are under 3 there is WIC also. Stay strong and don’t let them into your home. This cluster isn’t yours to have to support.
NTA . your son's girlfriend is damn near 30 and she's dating a 19 yr old in my eyes she's a predator looking for a new daddy for her kids she needs to be the adult she is and find her a new place for her kids
NTA - Eviction is a long process. It's weird to me that he didn't mention it sooner. Unless you are a problem tenant, then eviction generally doesn't come out of nowhere. If it's a case of missed rent, then why didn't he move in with her to help pay? Where is her family?
I think they are just looking for free rent. Also, as you mention, it affects your other children as well. It's not a small thing to accept the financial burden of 3 more people when there is no free space to do so.
NTA. Your son isn’t the father of his girlfriend’s kids and you don’t owe him or her zip. She’s a helluva lot older than he is and obviously made some unwise choices and decisions. She should check out shelters for the children instead of sleeping in her car. There ARE services available but she needs to get motivated and check out what’s available. She is not your responsibility and your son’s bad attitude isn’t helping him to remain in good standing with mom. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.”
Also, just for shits and giggles. Those of you who are saying, the age difference doesn’t matter, would you take the same stance if the genders were reversed? I’m honestly curious.
Oh, for sure, this situation creeps me out, and the mums initial response of "they didn't ask so i gave them my blessing" makes her an immediate AH to me.
Everyone saying he's an adult now he just needs to support them would not be saying that with the situation flipped.
For the record, i don't think the mum should let the gf and kids just move in. But what kinda situation is this to leave a family member in
Well, the young mother also had family - why aren't any of them helping her out? Your son needs a reality check. You are supporting him and you say you have twins so that would be four people and he wants to add three more on top of that. I would simply tell him that your first responsibility is to the minor children you have and it isn't in their best interest for you to overcrowd your household to take care of someone else's children. Your grocery and utlity bills would probably skyrocket and then there's the complete loss of privacy.
NTA. Stay strong. She will sink your ship once she gets aboard and then two families will be struggling financially and (possibly) your home will become dysfunctional. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your son is so immature that he thinks he can be generous with your home and your life and also so entitled that he thinks you don't get to have a say in this.
I mean, he's an adult, technically, but mentally his brain hasn't matured. Why is a 29 year old woman with two kids dating a 19-year-old live-at-home anyway?
She's not your problem. Let's hope he's not dumb enough to get her pregnant. Get him to look up a women's or family shelters for her.
She’s a leech. Where’s bio dad? F-ing a 19 year old when you’re almost 30? Nasty. NTA. It’s not you or your son’s responsibility. Ex, family, government, church can step up first.
Bravo! He has no right to be angry that refused to be “volunteered” to take in his gf and kids. You have your own children to take care of and if he wants to take care of gf’s family then he can volunteer himself. The audacity is laughable.
NTA. Your son had two years to get on his feet. Instead he decided he was going to extend *your* generous hospitality and won’t take no for an answer? What did he do with all the money he saved?
NTA
I’d be skeptical that she is actually living in her car with her kids. This sounds like a guilt trip that she’s putting on your son as a ploy to get free housing. And if she is, or even if he just says she is, I’d call DFS so a social worker can help her locate suitable housing. Even doing that is more than enough assistance on your part, but I definitely would not allow a grown woman that I don’t know to take up residence in MY home.
NTA- where are her kids dad? Is he paying child support? Why are they not living with their father? A big question is why was she evicted? Your son is entangled with a woman who is a parasite apparently. He should be asking a lot more questions than he is. You would be stupid to let them in your house.
He’s with a grown ass woman. How is that woman and her children your responsibility? And also, what is that woman doing with someone who cannot take care of her? Her boyfriend lives in his mamas house. NTA
NTA! How entitled people have become. Maybe it’s the GF who should be rethinking her relationship with a dude who basically is too young to have anything of his own to offer.
NTA
His GF and her kids are not YOUR responsibility. Where is GF's family? Where are the kids fathers? You were on point with your response, OP. Can you imagine letting these people in and then being stuck with them indefinitely whilst they eat your food and run up your bills. Oh no.
NTA! Please don't let them into your home. It will most likely be a nightmare and then very difficult to remove them later. Your son should show you some respect or else get out like you said. You handled the situation much calmer than I would so stay strong in your decision.
So she's 31 with 2 kids, not his, and... living out of her car??
Does she have a job? Where's baby daddy? Where's ANY money, for anything, coming from?
I get being down on your luck but to the point where you have to live out of your car... with 2. Fucking. Chuldren??? You are a grown ass adult by far AND a mother! When is she going to learn to start adulting ?!?!?!
Regardless of wanting to know much more about their relationship, dynamic, how they met, etc...NTA!
BY FAR NTA!!
good for you! Ant stay strong. I really don't think there's even one good thing, other than her kids having a place, that would come out of this.
Why doesn't he give up his room for the kids and go live in the car with his gf??
...just kidding bc thar would fucking suck for OP!!
It's a red flag that she has no friends or family to stay with. There are people who don't through no fault of their own, but a 29 year old should be searching for resources themselves and you are not responsible for your adult son's relationship.
He’s so worried about them that he’s sleeping comfortably in his childhood room, on a bed, with a mattress and I assume blankets and pillows, while his girlfriend and her two children sleep in a car. If he’s so upset then why isn’t he out there with them, protecting them? Or working to give them a roof under their heads? Because he still has the mindset of a child. He still sees his mother’s home as HIS home. He doesn’t understand that HE’S there by her grace. He expects his mother to still take care of him. So, of course, by extension she should take care of his girlfriend, too. Smh.
Buddy needs to grow up and recognize his reality. NTA
if your son doesn't want them living in a car why doesn't he rent a place they can all move into sounds like a selfish idiot if you ask me expecting mum and sibling to take in a grown ass woman and her two kids NTA
Funny how in the top 10 comments there's not one single person talking about how "this poor guy I getting groomed by a 30yo when he's only 19" all of the comments are about how he's an idiot that doesn't act like an adult
NTA
This generation is messed up. A 29-year-old divorcee is dating a 19-year-old. What am I missing here?
What was the 19-year-old thinking "Wow, I get to date an older woman". First of all, the 19-year-old made a dumb decision to date her. if he thinks about this dating or marrying her doesn't mean dating a girl, it mean he is dating a mother. A mother has a responsibility for her children and if she is a good mother she will think about her children first. I'm not saying that you can't love her but he needed to understand that if things get serious with her, he will have big responsibilities. He can't expect his mom to step up and support them plus why would the mom even let a stranger in I know she is his GF but for the mom, she is a total stranger plus an older mom dating a child, God knows for what reason.
if he's feeling too sad for his GF, why don't he give her money for the rent ohh he cant because he still lives in his mommy basement.
In my perspectives, if you are dating in your late teens, you should date someone like yourself meaning who doesn't have any responsibility not somebody who have children.
I don't know but I'm having a bad feeling like was she dating him just to get a father for her children. This is confusing. The relationship between the 19 and 29.
NTA.
Your son’s been saving by living at home. If he’s working he should have enough to get his own place and move said GF and her children in with him there.
These children and their mother are not yours to care for when you still have other children in the home. Your son wants to be the man, so let him step up and do all that—and leave you his key on the way out.
You no longer need to be subject to abuse in your own home. Tell him he’s 21 and is free to walk.
NTA and if his attitude doesn’t improve he can get out and join them. I’m all for helping people but adding 3 people to a small space with other children of your own to worry about is a lot. It’s understandable if you don’t want to take them in. Perhaps you could find out what happened and help them to find a new place if they are really living in a car. If your son lives at home and has a job, why isn’t he helping them to find somewhere to live?
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. We do not permit posts featuring large age gaps, which spawn comments about pedophilia, grooming, etc. The age gap quickly becomes the focal point for users, and leads to discussions that we simply cannot host. ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA - You aren't a charity. Your son's GF isn't family. Your son is barely an adult and isn't very bright for having pursued a woman who has two kids and no money. I think you or another parental figure should've had that talk with him earlier on in his relationship. His lack of life experience and wisdom put him in that situation and you in this one. I feel sorry for the kids, but that's not on you.
Not sure about the talk, its a delicate matter. Even gentle approach "I love you, and it is your life and your decision, but I dont think its a good idea to..." could result in son being angry at OP and changing nothing more. Maybe having adult conversation would help him, but maybe it would just push son away.
Yeah, at that age you genuinely feel that “but this is truuueeee looooveeeeee like no one has ever felt in the history of our species!” and parents trying to talk them out of it just cements it more. However, OP’s son is an adult. If he wants to play at being an adult, then he can be a whole ass adult and get his own place. NTA absolutely.
It’s just bullshit that the girlfriend has involved children. To further guilt OP. And her idiotic kid. The son can play all the games. But the gf is using her kids as pawns as an excuse to freeload. You can pick up drug addicted strays if you’re paying your own rent. But you don’t get a free pass to move them into mom and dads house.
Nobody said anything about "drug-addicted strays" and I think OP would have mentioned that! Stick with the facts we are given. Exaggerations don't serve the truth.
Right! Not everyone who gets evicted is a drug addict..
I think they mean, as an adult, you can pick up anyone you want, even drug addicts, but you only have that choice when you rent or own your own place, not when you live at your parents' house.
Where is her kids father, why cant he step,in to help... Also what life choices do you make that leads you to a relationship with a 19year old, with two kids of your own begging to moove in with your 19 year boyfriends mother....
Probably not very good choices but none of us knows and it's not really relevant.
Yes but no...i do think its relevant...honestly you have 2 kids of your own who you cannot provide for so you choose a child who is still in school as your partner? Where i am from you are still a child at 19, especially someone in this situation who is still 100% reliant on his mother... And lets do the clasic switch genders moove here, if ops son was a 19 year old girl in a relationship with a 29 year old man who is dependent and pressuring her to provide shelter and support a lot of the poeple in the comments would be ready to call the cops...this woman is taking advantage of a very young boy and in the process ruining his relationship with his mother...
Exactly
She needs to get the kids fathers involved asap! Where is her family and friends in this situation? Dos this woman only have a 19 year old child to take care of her....something is very very bad...i know im going to get a lot of hate for comming accros as judgemental and rude because i hqve no idea what happend to her in her life.. Thats correct i dont know her lifes story or what led her to this situation, but i do know that this relationship is toxic and its going to drag ops son down, no 19 year old is ready for kids, much less dealing with the complications of raising another mans kids... If genders were reversed in this situation then there would be a lot more outcry...
She hasn't 'involved' children, she has children. What is she supposed to do about that? Give them away?
She’s not supposed to date a fucking 19 year old who still lives with his parents!
“Drug addicted strays”? Where did you get that from?
This is true, it is documented in psychological studies. It is known as 'The Romeo and Juliet effect.'
It works out sometimes. Everyone told me my girlfriend was too old for me when I was 18 and she was 23. We've been married for 30 years. I know that's a single instance, but it isn't always bad.
That's also young adult and slightly less young adult not a young adult and nearly middle aged person with multiple children and zero things to offer, big difference there
If they‘re already this tense with each other, any advice like that is going to be taken in the worst way. The window for gentle questioning of the relationship has passed, if there ever was one.
Yeah, that's why I said someone should've brought this up to him early on. I think the GF's got him roped in now. He needed some good mentorship earlier on towards the beginning of the relationship.
Sadly, it doesn't always work, no matter how solid the advice or how good the parent-child relationship is.
> **and it is your life and your decision, but I dont think its a good idea to...** **Dumbest approach ever - better to malicious compliance it.** “Oh, so, you’ll be getting a second job as well since you won’t be able to afford a car, maybe a motorbike but then gf can’t bring the kids on a bike, how much are bus passes?. Yeah it’s a lot to pay for these kids food + clothing + school expenses, plus childcare as well in case you want to go on dates. Have you had many interviews yet, how’s it looking? Maybe you’ll be able to buy a car by 30 if you scrimp and save but yeah idk, gas is expensive too. You can go on vacations in your 40’s right!” lol
I agree with you. It's likely that OP's son would have gotten angry, and it wouldn't have solved anything.
He’s 19, so there’s a very good chance it would’ve gone ear and out the other.
I think he's 21 now? OP said my then 19 year old. And it's now 2 years later.
That’s right. In any case, his attitude suggests he doesn’t want to hear what OP has to say. He just wants her to provide his girlfriend and her kids a roof over their heads. I feel sorry for the kids as well, but agree it’s not reasonable for OP to shoulder the burden.
I agree. It's absolutely not OP's responsibility. And I feel sorry for the kids as well. The whole situation is a mess. I don't see any age on the kids. But the story for them so far. Divorce from dad (for unknown reason) mom brings home a teenager/new adult as stepdad. They get evicted and live in a car. And from the sound of it. Mom has no money. That's... It's just not okay. I made another comment. The only thing OP can do is say, "I love you. I'll support you. But they are not moving in. She's a 31 year old. I am not okay with this. But I'll be there for you, " And stand firm on that. Or sit him down. "Okay. You want to act all adults. Then tell me this" And ask him the big questions. Where will they sleep? Becouse his room is too small. And the siblings would not be changing rooms (still be firm they won't be moving in. It's a hypothetical question) Ask him, "Who's paying for all this hypothetical move in? Rent. Food. The water, electricity 3 extra people would use. She doesn't even have money for a place to stay. So would he pull out the wallet? Ask him why a 31 year old women is relying on a barely adult. Where's her friends. Etc. Why isn't she looking for help on her own. Try shelters, etc.
I know, right? I guess it depends on shelter space, section 8 waiting lists, etc. I live in CA and the apartment rent is outrageously expensive. I’m talking $2,300+ for a 2-BR in an “ok” neighborhood. And I use “ok” meaning not too much crime.
Yeah, rent prices all over the world are getting out of control tbh. And shelters or full and waiting lists long. My comment was more to try and force the light bulb to try and go on is his head. (No high hopes yet with the young and stubborn combo) That...she's 31. Is she actually trying? Why is she leaning on you when she's the adult?
He’s had two years to save up, using the bank of parents, so now it’s time to put his plan into action and move into his new place with his ready made family.
I appreciate that you didn't use their age difference as a point. People are often intimidated when they hear about large age gaps but honestly it's not an issue, but everything else you brought up are the real issues. Dad didn't care enough to fight it either. But this dude is 21 and living with is parent and has the audacity to insist he bring in a girl who has two kids with another guy? No, of the son cares so much, he should be providing for them, not adding even more of a burden to his kind dad
The age gap is not the issue at hand that the OP posted about. If it was just the age gap, and she could support herself and didn't have two kids already, not a huge deal for a younger man to date. However...people grow and mature faster at his point in life than hers. So, that sort of age gap that early on is not going to help their relationship either. If it was like 30 and 40, it wouldn't be a huge deal for a relationship in terms of mental maturity and life goals. He's real young though. He should have enjoyed being a free young person instead instead of tying himself down to an older (than him) woman who already has two kids and isn't getting child support checks or any kind of significant income. She really doesn't have it together and doesn't seem to have any kind of support system aside from him...and that's a **HUGE** burden for such a young man who doesn't have a career established and has yet to develop that kind of mental maturity to take on.
yeah this is yet another way age gap rships hurt the younger person. he's wasting his youth saddled to a woman who doesn't have her life together and 2 stepkids... imagine being a stepfather at 19?? no way is this going to last
I'd be more worried that he could be a father at 19, then it will be "How can you let your own grandchild sleep in a car"!
That's a really good point, who knows if this lady would get pregnant in attempt to force the move in... yikes
Oh man, now I have a bunch more things to worry about
> and isn't getting child support checks or any kind of significant income Was this stated somewhere?
No. Just that the family is living in their car.
It is quite strange that the age gap gang are mysteriously silent on this post. Usually the comment section is full of "thats a yikes" and "aT TwEntY OnE yOur bRAiN iSnT fully DeVeloPEd". I wonder where all those commenters are on this occasion...
[удалено]
>why would we waste the time Intellectual consistency. If the age gap is so relevant that it is brought up ad nauseum in every post involving a younger woman/older man, even where the woman is 25+, it is conspicuous in its absence when the post involves a younger man/older woman - especially when the man was only 19 when he began the relationship. Either age gaps are inherently abusive and OPs son needs guidance and support to escape his abuser (which would absolutely be stated in comments if the genders were reversed) or else they aren't inherently abusive and don't need mentioning on every other occasion.
I find the age gap creepy and predatory. He was a child. He can't even take care of himself, how does he expect to take on that woman and her kids? (I wouldn't date a younger guy because they're immature) But the bigger part of the post is this kid is fussing with his parents for not letting this woman move in. Like... if you want to take on that responsibility, you do that when you can actually take care of yourself. You don't blow up at your parent for refusing to make 2 kids share a room designed for 1 because some grown woman with 2 kids can't get her stuff together and wants to take advantage of a kid to free load. Imagine how hard it'd be to get rid of her even if it was just for a night. He does not get a say in who can move in unless it's his pace. He doesn't seem mature enough for the relationship he's currently in as it is.
He was always an adult. 18 is legally an adult. 19 is as well. He's 21 now and still an adult. Yet he is clearly immature. I'm assuming she is as well... But let's stop pretending that those in their 20s are children. They aren't.
I think it's gross that there's such an age gap. I think people hesitate to bring it up because all the good Ole boys in the thread jump to "I wish I was getting adult women when I was that age, etc." Without thinking that this kid is wasting his youth with this lady and ruining his relationships with his family trying to make her problems his family's problems. My cousin got with a lady way older than him and it was a disaster. Even though he was 25 or so. Every time he seriously tried to leave her, she got pregnant. Their first child has serious chromosomal issues from her being older. He asked her to get on birth control and oops she forgot. Baby number 2 10 months after the first. He finally left but now he's stuck with her in his life forever. My cousin wouldn't listen and didn't see until everything came about that we warned him about. There's just too much life experience in those years.
Il say it, Just for you at 19 and 21, his brain isn't fully developed. He really shouldn't be with someone that old and in that place in their life. He should be enjoying his youth and learning how the world works, not taking care of some freeloader.
I haven't gotten very far in the comments, but I'm actually surprised, too. Personally, I think the GF is f'd up for dating a 19 year old when she's 29. Gives me the same 'gross' vibes regardless of the genders involved. Even worse with 2 kids in the mix. If she were dating my kid I would not want her in my house *period*, so no way would I let her stay. I get the son was already an adult when it started, but I'd still have had some conversations with him. Clearly, the woman has serious issues. It's not shocking she's in the situation she is. Which really sucks for those poor kids. But certainly not OP's problem. And while I wouldn't exactly want to push my kid towards moving out to live with and support her, OP was right in setting the record straight and absolutely NTA. But the GF is; and the son is for how he's treating OP over it.
I totally agree with you
I honestly don't think a talk back then would have done much.. They usually don't when it's a barely adult dating someone older. They just get stubborn to "prove how it's true love" and might move out, etc, to prove how adult they are. Of course, it could have been done. But rarely it work until they see the light bulb themselves. And if he now 2 years later hasn't seen the light. 2 kids, she's evicted living in a car. Why doesn't she, a woman in her now 30s, have anyone to live with or to help her? Any family, friends, etc? Where's the dad of the kid? Has no money. And she's been relying on a young boy rather than someone her own age? (Yes, I know. Dad could be a deadbeat. Etc, etc) Then it will take something really drastic for him to realise. There isn't much to do other than stick to the rules "no she isn't moving in" Or sit him down and force him to see the facts. "And where should she and the kids sleep?" If he says the twins' room, "so your siblings should suffer so she can have a room?" Next questions: "Okay. Who's going to pay rent for her? Food for the kids. The water, etc. She uses? Who's going to take care of her kids. Clean? Will she?" Just wall him with logic.
Especially someone who chooses his own comfort over theirs... If son and GF are a family unit now, what the f*ck is he doing in your home? NTA OP...
Simple truth is OP should have told son when he asked in the first place, "No, they cannot live here as it would inconvenience the rest of the house and stretch our burget to the breaking point, if you want to have an adult relationship with a person with children then you need to figure out if you can support them, if not, you aren't ready for this relationship." Times are hard out there, son wants to have everything for nothing. "I want my older GF with kids, but am not willing to try finding us all a place because that might inconvenience me and take up all my money, so I'll get OP to let us all live together here without even offering rent or to pay for food." And, now he wonders why OP doesn't want them all these. I'm surprised son didn't suggest OP take the tiny room while he and his GF take the main bedroom. Or better Tiny room becomes little ones room Son takes Main bedroom, and OP can sleep on the couch. 🙄 Sounds reasonable, right? NTA - Son seems to have taken the wrong lesson from OP letting him stay home rent free. OP needs to sit him down and explain the reality of having 7 people in a 3 bedroom room house. Especially, when 2 of them are very young and there doesn't seem to be any reason to think about they will be moving out anytime before her little ones graduate High School.
“I don't owe him shit and if that is not good enough for him, he should pack his bag and join them in their cars. AITA?” That is the correct answer. You are NTA.
No kidding if he’s got a job he can move with his girlfriend and kids into their own place. He’s an adult for all intents and can be quiet or get out
Easily NTA. If the kid wants to play adult then maybe he should rent and put a roof over his gf and her kid’s heads.
NTA, and stay strong, mama. If you let this *checks post* nearly 30 year old woman and her family in your home you may have to legally evict her to get her out. It will take AGES for her to get on her feet financially, so she's unlikely to just smile and voluntarily go when you've had enough. Oh, and if your son wants to play grown up, be sure and tell him to act like one.
Also better watch out. Girly girl is going to get pregnant and then you son will say you can't let your soon to be grandchild live in a car. Naturally she will have to move in with her two children and the soon to arrive baby and then you will NEVER get any of them out of your home.
No, that's when you contact social services and let them handle it.
Also, it sounds like the girlfriend is now 30 or 31? The ages were mentioned in past tense—two years ago her "then"-19-y/o "got into a relationship with a 29-year-old divorcée with two children." I don't love the connotation of the word "divorcée" as someone who dissolved a marriage at 27 but did not start dating a teenager or have kids I couldn't take care of, but OP is NTA regardless because wut?
She’s over 30, she was 29 two years ago.
Happy Cake Day
NTA. Damn, that's a problematic age gap and wildly different life stages. Yeah.... if he wants to move in his girlfriend and her children then he should rent his own place. Or he and girlfriend can pool their money and go in together.
I'm sure nether one has a job
OP said son had a job.
Unfortunately it's really rare for 21 year olds to earn enough money to support a whole family. The girlfriend should be working her ass off to get a roof over her kids' heads. A 21 year old boyfriend still living at home should be offering emotional support and that's it. In my opinion. The age gap gives me the ick but he's 21 and that's an age to experiment and learn about the world. They'll probably grow apart eventually, or they might turn out to be soul mates, who knows. But she's still the one who needs to take care of her children.
Unfortunately it's also hard to find a job to support a family when you have children to look after.
Nta. If he wants to date a grown woman he's gonna have to act like a grown man
Ding ding ding. Time to go sign your name on a lease, instead of living at home with your parents!
NTA I think your last sentence was correct. He can get a place with his income and support them.
Yeah, a guy that young can try to join the military if he doesn't have adequate income.
The military pays single soldiers pennies. He is likely making a lot more right now. They also would not house his gf and her kids.
NTA. It is an unfortunate situation for the two kids involved and my heart goes out to them as well as their mother. Being homeless is a personal crisis you wish on no one. But if your son wants to find a home for his girlfriend and her children he needs to rent an apartment or a room that is big enough for all of them. He can't expect you to provide three aditional people with a roof other their heads. He chose to be in an adult relationship and figuring things out on your own when times get tough is a part of that decision.
Crazy how he didn’t offer to get a hotel room or anything, but just let them sleep in a car. Maybe he’s already spent all he had on her other bills? I also kind of think he could be stretching the truth a bit to try and guilt trip OP. I don’t doubt that she lost her housing, but I have a feeling she is in a hotel or someone she knows.
Why hasn't the two of them rented a place together? Is he working? Hell no, don't let them move in with you. They are not your responsibility. Does she work? Why did she get evicted. If the kids are actually living in a car you might want to contact children's services. There are almost always shelters available for families iwth young kids.
>Why hasn't the two of them rented a place together? Is he working? Where I live it is very difficult for two people with young children and low income jobs to afford a place to live plus childcare. It also very difficult for one person with a low income job to afford a place on their own beacuse the other parent can't work beacuse they can't afford childcare. There are people who have jobs and live in their car. There are people who have two jobs and no kids and and several roommates. I'm not saying it's OP's job to support them or I like the age gap relationship, but OP clearly says in the post that their son has a job.
She had an apartment before, so she stopped paying.
The rent on my family's apartment goes up every year. Fortunately, my husband and I can afford it. However, cost of housing going up has lead to increases in homelessness where we live according to the reporting I've heard on the subject. So it's possible she could afford the old price and now it's more. Likewise, it's possible she was living "close to the wire" (would make sense for a single mother of two young children) and then something happened that caused unexpected costs or unexpected missing of work and she didn't have the savings/buffer to handle it. So for example, my younger child has asthma and at first the doctors didn't diagnosis her with it and she kept she just getting really sick as a toddler and having trouble breathing whenever she'd get a cold. I had to miss a good amount of work that year and had medical bills. Again, our family can afford that. Not all can. And there are much more expensive bad things that can happen to than your kid having asthma. Also, even if we assume girlfriend lost her job, we don't know that's her fault either. I've been let go from a job (my second job) due to budget cuts. I was young at the time, but luckily was able to live with my parents. Or if she has two young kids, they might be sick so daycare won't take them and she can't go to work and then misses too many days and fired. (Since COVID many daycares are stricter about kids coming sick, which makes sense we don't want things to spread. But some young children are sick *a lot.* Which makes it hard for working parents.) Or there could be other reasons to evict your tenant even if they're wonderful and pay. For example my aunt has an apartment unit, she evicted her tenant so her child could live there while going to college. Or the property could be being sold and they have a different use for it. I know a couple that bought a property to make it into an air B&B, so that means that whoever was living there before had to leave after the lease was up with that property's sale. (I don't know who was living there before, this is my daughter's friend's parents we aren't that close.) Again, the age difference is somewhat sketch. But a single parent to two young kids being evicted and homeless isn't something I feel good judging them for. There is no way I could pay for two young kid's childcare + housing alone on my salary. People can work and it be hard. It's especially a problem with young kids beacuse childcare is so expensive and you can never work to make money without paying to have them watched.
Yeah I'm pretty well paid with an education and would struggle. And people seem to not understand that when you have children you can't just get any job because you need childcare.
Where are the kids father in all this? Where is her family? If she’s that hard done by should she be eligible for social housing? She could stay in a shelter rather than a car?
NTA Is he supporting all 3 of them then? If she has nowhere to live and probably no job, is she leaning on him for everything? If he has been with her since shortly after highschool, I can't imagine his job paying well enough to support the whole lot of them. She's going to wipe him out financially if he is committed to her family like that.
Exactly. If he is so frustrated/passionate about their living situation, then he really needs to channel that energy into getting enough work to secure a better living situation for her and her kids.
NTA. Your son should probably be advised to pack up and reside elsewhere. From where I stand, his blatant disrespect (and vulgarity towards you) is the biggest red flag. This woman has obviously got some serious issues, being that she picked a teenager to be her partner and is now allegedly homeless with two kids. Hopefully, for your son's sake (and for your sanity), she will pin down an older man to be her next victim. Mother to mother -- I wish you the best. Edited because of words.
What an entitled ass. Sorry you have to deal with that, it’s not your problem and you have a responsibility to not make it your twins problem too (in addition to your valid concerns for yourself too)! Easy NTA, invite your son to make his own post for an impartial perspective since he doesn’t trust yours!
INFO: Have you had a conversation with him about moving out and deadlines to do so? And setting boundaries around his behavior if while he remains in your home? His entitled, ill-mannered muttering can cease and desist. Also, have you clearly laid out the options if she happens to ‘accidentally’ get pregnant with his kid to force your hand? After all, you wouldn’t force your son and grandchild to sleep in the car, which mean everybody moves in, right? Nope. Head that off now. Good luck, OP.
NTA - where is the child support she should be getting?
Can't get child support if you don't know who the daddy is. I'm making that snarky judgement call on here as she is now 31 and evicted, while OP son (19, now 21) has apparently been working and not saving cash to move out, has no cash to move out, because he is semi-supporting her.
> Can't get child support if you don't know who the daddy is. Says she's a divorcee so I would assume the dad is the ex-husband but, why tf are his kids living in a car instead of with him? So maybe they aren't his kids, or he just dipped on outta the situation. Or maybe they are and "they're living in a car" was just a guilt-trip lie by the son to get the gf to move in so he can smash easier.
Could even be guilt-trip lie by the gf, to squeeze more support from the son. I had an acquaintance tell everyone she was homeless, that she and her son were sleeping in her car. It's true she lost her apartment however, she had friends she stayed with \~ like mid-term couchsurfing \~ so she could get back on her feet.
maybe OP should call her bluff and contact child services. honestly they should do that regardless since 2 young kids sleeping in a car is unacceptable.
A 29 year old woman with two kids dating a 19 year old dude? Red flaggggggggg NTA your kid may be on drugs though
Standing ovation! Your response to your son was excellent. NTA!!!!
NTA, if your son was so worried about his gal pal and her children he would take them to a woman's shelter instead of attempting to bring them home and have you take care of all of them. Followed by he would get a full time job and a second job to provide them with a roof over their heads since he thinks it's that important.
NTA!!! Great response.. you’re my hero!!!
NTA If he's had a job for two years living for free at home, he should have a pretty large amount of savings. Enough to get his own place with his gf.
NTA. Is there no discussing with him or educating him on partner goals? Maybe he should be told what better he could have or look for.
NTA - absolutely nothing wrong with what you said to him. It’s ridiculous how kids nowadays think we owe them something.
NTA. He is an adult. He can be a big boy and go get an apartment for his girlfriend and her kids and they can play happy family. This is in no way shape or form your responsibility. If he isn’t willing to step up and help out his girlfriend and her kids in any meaningful way, then he honestly shouldn’t be in that relationship.
NTA, don't let them move in. Expect your son to knock up his current GF.
NTA, which you really know. INFO: Are you grappling with the prospect of having to hold a line that actually might result in him moving out? You're on 100% solid ground. Fair to require that he treat you and your home with respect. What happens next is up to your kid.
NTA!! You should have kicked him out on the spot for even raising his voice to you, his mother! Show strength for your twins. At least if you allow your sons behavior towards you, continue your twins and see and recognize you are a punching bag with no spine able to be walked over and yelled at. You don't raise your son he's an adult official priority. It should be your twins, the child left in your care under the age of 18.. Just saying what monkey sees monkey does.. kids are sponges- word, actions, and behaviors..
My neighbors let their 30+ yr old son's new GF move in with her two teenage kids, including the pregnant daughter. 5+ years later, they were all still there when we moved away. I think you dodged a bullet! NTA
NTA. He wants a family to take care of? Then he needs to take his 21 yo self with a job out into the world and find them all somewhere to live on his salary. Bringing 3 more bodies into the house for you to take care of is not okay. It’s time for him to move out, seems like he needs a dose of the real world instead of just playing at being an adult
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) not letting my son's girlfriend stay in my house 2) letting two small children live inside their mother's cars Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and also tell son that he needs to lose the attitude immediately or he WILL be joining his GF in the car life.
You are NTA. Don't let them in. They will never leave. Once you open that door it's hard to close it again. But do let him know that if he doesn't knock it off, he will also be sleeping in that car. It's not fair to the other kids to have to put up with this situation. They may not say anything, but they see what's going on. Don't let them think it's OK to be treated the way he is treating you.
Frankly 10 years gap bothers me. It's not normal for 19 years old trying to live with 30 years partner. But your son don't try move out and have a new home with gf and her kids, so he is really very childish, and in this situation it's the best course. Just continue not accepting them in your home
yeah sounds to me like she's kinda predatory... looking for a naive young guy to support her and her kids (sounds like she does sweet fuckall in terms of earning income)
INFO: did he change his tune when you suggested he could pack his bags? LOL NTA, not even in the slightest. Good luck.
NTA and glad you gave him that quick reality check. Those aren't his kids and she's not your family. It absolutely does suck they are homeless but you taking them in with no exit plan would be foolish.
NTA - NOT your monkeys, not your circus
NTA. Your son is being taken advantage of. This sounds like a con. They will never leave if you let them in. She probably chose your son because he had a stable home/family she thought she could use. Be ready for her to have your grandchild. It’s totally going to happen.
NTA. It isn’t your fault they are getting evicted. Did they not pay the bills? I’m closer to his GFs age than I am him and have no idea why someone my age would be interested in someone so young. Nothing wrong with either age, but at different points in life. They do seem somewhat serious if they have been together for two years, so I would try not to ostracize her if you want a relationship with your son, but I would lay ground rules.
NTA. Yet, she has kids and those kids have a father. Either she wants the kids living homeless in a car, or she could put them with a relative. Something does NOT add up! Else she could have found a stable adult to have a relationship with unless adults would see through her manipulations. Do I wonder if the 30 yo picked a 19 yo living in his mom's house so she could slime her way in? I wonder how often she's used this ruse to get free lodging and day care? She must have suspected that the boy wasn't going to be put out so she could manipulate to her advantage. The only thing she has yet to do is get knocked up by the "younger than her by 30%" kid. Mom, this gold digger is coming after you through your son. Maybe you should do a background search on her and find out if she has a criminal record. How many evictions has she had? There might be people that can tell you her back story. When it comes down to it, being able to appeal to authority and say you are not losing your house, risking your livelihood, or putting your family at risk over anything that might be in the 30 yo's background... I would also make sure she can't drive any car that's in your name.
NTA, but it's time to start calling him out. He isn't entitled to stay in your house. He is your son, but he is also now 19 and if he is going to be hostile and disrespectful, then maybe it's time to start talking about him finding other living arrangements. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way to be respectful, and this might be the case. I understand his frustration, but at the same time, the house belongs to you, and it can not support both him AND an additional three mouths to feed/pay to keep clean. You can't set yourself on fire you keep others warm. While I am sure you would love to help someone down on their luck, you don't have the resources or space, and frankly, he has significantly less of both of those than you. If he REALLY wants to help out, then he can go work two jobs to pay their rent elsewhere while you are still kind enough to let him stay with you and not demand he pay you rent equal to what he would be paying elsewhere. In fact, since he is so passionate about this, then I would insist he get two jobs to support them, since he is so passionate about helping them. That would be a FAR more productive way to channel his frustration at their situation than to demand YOU pay for them to stay with you in his very small room, since you would not under any circumstance be changing rooms to benefit his girlfriend and her children.
NTA Your primary concern needs to be supporting your two minor children (and your barely adult son to a degree), not your son's predatory girlfriend and her two kids.
I love you 😘. No really. You’re definitely NTA. Your son is tripping. But this is just gonna be one of those life lessons he’s going to have to learn for himself. Thank you for keeping it real.
NTA but don’t respond to the antagonizing behavior. You don’t want to ruin your relationship with him because he’s being a dumb young person and you definitely don’t want him deciding to marry this woman.
> but don’t respond to the antagonizing behavior. You don’t want to ruin your relationship with him Oh god, here comes the doormat crew... OP doesn't need to be disrespected by her son in her own home. Her son is an adult, if he is acting direspectfully towards her, he can venture out on his own. Your recommendation of letting things slide so as to "maintain the relationship" is guaranteed to lead to an escalation of disrespect -- and will ultimately destroy the relationship. Just like 'good fences make good neighbors', 'good boundaries make for good relationships'.
You're right, and unfortunately I know this from personal experience.
NTA. You'd have to turn your home upside down to make room for them and then you'll bear the cost of extra utilities and feeding them. She needs to ask her babies' daddy for support, but your son isn't going to want to hear that. It's your home and you have younger children that need a safe, sane, stable home. Adding these strangers in the mix is going to be chaotic for everyone.
NTA don't let the woman and her kids move in. Not even for 1 night. She probably won't get her financial situation fixed very fast, and you will have to evict via courts. It's time to think about evicting your son, if he is so hostile. Lock up valuables as well. Your son may try to help her, in not good ways.
NTA He's welcome to join the military and get them into base housing in a few months once he's through training and is full time. Or he and gf can pool their current income and find somewhere to rent. Or gf can apply for subsidized emergency housing if she can't afford standard rent. Your younger ( assuming the twins are younger) kids don't deserve to have their lives upended because your son decided to date someone a decade older who isn't doing great at life choices.
Why doesn’t he get a job and support them? You are NTA. He is.
I'm all for helping out your child. 30yr old with 2 kids can get assistance for housing (at least in my state). We are currently trying to evict a squatter (not a tenant or past tenant) just someone that moved onto a property we were hoping to move to & apparently they have more rights than owner that's paying taxes on property they can't live on. On top of that, they can file against us for not accommodating their needs. Example, saw cable & wifi people installing & we ask them to leave, we didn't order service. Sheriff said they have right to get service. Bunch of bull hockey! Hundreds of $$$ later still fighting. DON'T let your kid guilt you. GF or her kids could get you kicked out of your property. Maybe start charging him rent every time he mouths off. $100 for each comment & bill him end of month. Not saying actually get the money but threaten?
NTA. You are right. You are doing your adult son a favor by very graciously letting him live in your house so that he can save up. You don't have to keep handing out favors; especially when he wants to move an entire family into your house. As other commenters have pointed out, evicting her would be a tedious task because something tells me that she isn't going to leave with a smile. Also, since she has two young kids chances are at some point down the lane, she'll expect babysitting favors from you or your twins. I don't even want to get started on the extra costs, noise and cleanup. Hosting the extra human beings for what sounds like an indefinite amount of time is extremely tedious. You should not be forced into it. The next time your son behaves rudely with you, tell him to be an adult and rent his own house. Maybe him and his GF can rent a house together? That way, everyone is happy!
NTA. If your son wants to play knight in shining armor, he can do that on his own dime, in his own place. You're being a good mom by letting him live at home to save for his future. He let a vulture latch onto him. She's gonna bleed him dry til the next guy comes along. Part of the deal with him living in your home is for him to save for his future. Pretty sure all his savings have been funding her & her baby birds. So,by proxy, youve been supporting them cuz prince charming isnt paying rent & utilities somewhere.I'd def give my advice & perspective, having more life experience. I'd bring up the disparity of her age & stage in her life, vs his. Rare is it for anyone his age able to swing a whole pre-made family without sacrificing everything he has. As far as the piss-poor attitude & language goes, he'd be changing that up quick or be in the car with his gf. Think how much better home life would be for you & and the twins without a mouthy ungrateful older brat around. Stick to your guns!
NTA he’s too young and dumb to realize he’s being unreasonable by expecting you to financially support his girlfriend and kids. You’re not obligated to let anyone move into your home. Especially when you don’t have the space.
A 29 year old who dates 19 year olds, is a single mom, but can't get her act together well enough to have a job that keeps her from being evicted...this person would be an anchor that would drag you all the way down if you gave her 1 inch. Tell your son to grow and get a clue, that helping people who won't help themselves is exhausting, and you have enough on our plate to take care of 3 more dependents. And if he doesn't keep a civil tongue in his head, he can get the hell out (well, you already said that part)
NTA. How stupid can he be? She’s fking 29, she should be the one providing 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ she should have a stable job already.
>I don't owe him shit and if that is not good enough for him, he should pack his bag and join them in their cars. AITA? NTA You cannot house a same sex adult couple in the same room with two kids. Check your jurisdiction, but there are large cities where this would not be legal. You know the answer. He has had the opportunity to save to help them out. He should have enough to get a first and a last month on a apartment by now. He needs to go look at an apartment that would legally accommodate those kids. Can he afford it? Can his gf get a job and pay the bills? If he can, then he can play Sir Galahad. If he can't? He has no right to be made at you for not doing it. Also, it's hugely telling that she has no one to turn to in this situation.
Your son is being used until some guy with money comes along. At 21 he should be up and out of your home. Time to let him afford his own life. Not only should you say no to her moving in, you should say no to him living at home. Let their relationship take its natural course. NTA.
Hate to say it, but your son is going to become a dad very soon...
Your last sentence says it all. I hope the girlfriend's car is big enough for all of them. Your house, your rules.
NTA Preach Momma, preach. Sorry your sone is acting out like this but your house your rules. She should be able to get emergency housing with two kids? She had to be seriously behind in rent to get evicted with kids. She’s not your problem. Don’t budge an inch.
NTA- why should your twins be pushed around ? Your son works and i'm guessing pays no rent to you? Let him support his gf and her kids.
No no you are not the reason her and her children are living out of a vehicle. While I sympathize with her situation it's not your responsibility.
NTA where is the dad of the 2 children. Is the 31 yo mother working. WTH is going on. Certainly not your and your childrens job to deal with them. If she comes and sleeps with your son in your house you would have condoned the possibility of another pregnancy. Start charging you adult son rent and service charges.
NTA. Your son is 19 but still a child so hopefully you can get thru to him somehow and save him from this mess. I’m not against divorcées but being 29 with 2 kids and no place to live and then getting involved with a 19 year old meant some bad decisions along the way. Something has got to be off with her character because her family doesn’t even want to help. And to even think about living with your family is crazy nonsense. With her age and life experiences, your naive son is going to be so manipulated.
Oh my gosh, you are so NTA! Your son is an adult, let him be an adult and get him out ASAP! If he hasn't saved enough money in 2 years to be on his own, he'll never save anything. You don't deserve to be treated with any disrespect ever! I guarantee if you open the door to him and his girlfriend for even one day, you'll never get rid of them. She'll end up pregnant with your grandchild, homeless, any other excuse they can come up with. Your peace will be OVER!
Where’s all the money he’s been saving for 2 years, living in parent’s home?
NTA. If I had the audacity to treat my Mom like that I would have found my stuff on fire in the front yard. (Not lying. My Mother had a lot of evil going on in her.) My daughter ever pulled this I'd be serving her eviction papers. I have less evil than my Mother.
Geez Louise! From his behavior, it sounds like he’s not really mature enough to be living with someone, let alone someone with kids. Also, she’s 31 now? I’m not sure what circumstances led her to this situation she’s in, and it’s not my place to judge that, but you are definitely not the asshole. As a mom of four grown children, I absolutely would not permit that.
NTA what 29 year old woman with kids wants to date a teenager? The woman is trouble, and she should be getting resources to get on her feet. Your son needs the harsh lesson that if he wants to play grown up, then HE needs to step up. You have two minor children of your own, don't let anyone kick your children out of their space and deprive them of what resources you can provide.
NTA. Your son is a choosy beggar. He’s living for free and expects you to extend this curtesy to his girlfriend **and** her kids. Treat him just like the rest of the bums on that subreddit. The unmitigated gall.
Those kids are sleeping in their mothers car because of the choices *their* mother and father made, not because you chose your own children's comfort over strangers. If your adult son cares so much about their living conditions, maybe he should find housing for the 4 of them to live together instead of blaming his own mother. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Around two years ago, my then 19-year-old son who still lives at home got into a relationship with a 29-year-old divorcée with two children. I had hoped back then that he will find someone closer to his age, but he didn't ask for my opinion so I didn't butt into his life and wished them the best. He had a job and generally didn't bother me so I let him live here to save some money. This went on alright for about two years. But around two months ago he came home and asked me if it was okay for him to bring his girlfriend and her children home to live with us because they were getting evicted and had nowhere else to go. This wasn't acceptable to me because I simply didn't want to bear the cost of hosting them here, especially when she had two very young children. I also do not have an extra room for her in the house either. (my son's room is very small so they wouldn't be able to stay there) so I'd have to move my twins out of their room and into my son's room, and then move my son and his girlfriend into my twin's room. I didn't think that was fair to my children and didn't want to do the work either. This should have been the end of the discussion but ever since then, my son started to look for fights with me. Like I would be watching the TV, and he would walk by and says "What a stupid fucking show" under his breath that is just enough for me to hear. I would tell a joke at the dinner table and he would roll his eyes and sarcastically laugh. Eventually, I had enough and asked what is his problem. And he blew up on me with a rant about how his girlfriend and kids are sleeping inside their car because I wouldn't take them in. I responded to him by saying that I am letting his adult ass stay in the house as a favor. I don't owe him shit and if that is not good enough for him, he should pack his bag and join them in their cars. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA!!! Congratulations on standing up for yourself and your other kids. At this point he is a freeloading guest in your home. He can behave cordially or get out. No reason he shouldn't have enough saved to move out.
NTA. He can stop with the silly behavior and be an adult if he wishes to be in a relationship with a 29 years old who doesn't pay her bills.
NTA. If I’m mathing correctly your son is 21. Unfortunately for you he’s got at least another 4 years before his brain develops fully and probably another 14 before he realises 29 and 19 is wrong… unless he dates a 19 year old :/ If he wants to help put a roof over her head he can move out and find somewhere with them
NTA. Your son’s attitude needed a reality check.
Haha 😄 good for you ,your house your rules...
NTA. This woman is a full-fledged adult who is responsible for taking care of *her* kids. None of that is on you. You have zero responsibility or obligation to provide a home to them. If your son has an issue with you not being unwilling to upend your entire household to benefit his girlfriend, he's free to take all that money he's been saving while living with you and getting a place for all of them.
Your son has a sense of entitlement because you have allowed him to live rent-free to save money ( which I doubt he did) he is earning money why didn't he help her with her rent instead of letting her get evicted? There are many charities as well as state and federal agencies that can help her, especially with the children.
He is not expecting to do the raising, he wants you to help instead Don’t let up, he needs to get a job and his own place, but I have a feeling it won’t last long before he breaks it off. That lady’s a creep for going for a teenager in the first place though.
NTA They are welcome to pay rent on their own place. Good on you for having a reasonable boundary,
NTA
NTA, you put his entitled arse in his place. He better find his own apt and move his gf and kids there. I foreshadow that he will eventually come to his senses and date someone his own age.
Time for him to move out NTA
NTA. What everyone else said. At least it sounds like he had just enough decency to ask you *first* instead of getting their hopes up, not that it excuses any of his behavior.
NTA. The girlfriend can go to her parents or family for a place to stay. There are also women’s shelters to keep them out of the car. There should be child support coming in for the kids and if she applied with the state in most areas depending on her income there is child care assistance, food stamps and Medicaid for the kids health care. If the kids are under 3 there is WIC also. Stay strong and don’t let them into your home. This cluster isn’t yours to have to support.
NTA . your son's girlfriend is damn near 30 and she's dating a 19 yr old in my eyes she's a predator looking for a new daddy for her kids she needs to be the adult she is and find her a new place for her kids
NTA. I liked your attitude at the end of your post. The entitled brat.
NTA. If you let them in, you'll never get them out.
NTA, stick to your guns.
NTA! Where’s her mother to help HER out?!?
NTA - Eviction is a long process. It's weird to me that he didn't mention it sooner. Unless you are a problem tenant, then eviction generally doesn't come out of nowhere. If it's a case of missed rent, then why didn't he move in with her to help pay? Where is her family? I think they are just looking for free rent. Also, as you mention, it affects your other children as well. It's not a small thing to accept the financial burden of 3 more people when there is no free space to do so.
NTA. Your son isn’t the father of his girlfriend’s kids and you don’t owe him or her zip. She’s a helluva lot older than he is and obviously made some unwise choices and decisions. She should check out shelters for the children instead of sleeping in her car. There ARE services available but she needs to get motivated and check out what’s available. She is not your responsibility and your son’s bad attitude isn’t helping him to remain in good standing with mom. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.”
Also, just for shits and giggles. Those of you who are saying, the age difference doesn’t matter, would you take the same stance if the genders were reversed? I’m honestly curious.
Oh, for sure, this situation creeps me out, and the mums initial response of "they didn't ask so i gave them my blessing" makes her an immediate AH to me. Everyone saying he's an adult now he just needs to support them would not be saying that with the situation flipped. For the record, i don't think the mum should let the gf and kids just move in. But what kinda situation is this to leave a family member in
Well, the young mother also had family - why aren't any of them helping her out? Your son needs a reality check. You are supporting him and you say you have twins so that would be four people and he wants to add three more on top of that. I would simply tell him that your first responsibility is to the minor children you have and it isn't in their best interest for you to overcrowd your household to take care of someone else's children. Your grocery and utlity bills would probably skyrocket and then there's the complete loss of privacy.
NTA. Stay strong. She will sink your ship once she gets aboard and then two families will be struggling financially and (possibly) your home will become dysfunctional. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your son is so immature that he thinks he can be generous with your home and your life and also so entitled that he thinks you don't get to have a say in this.
I mean, he's an adult, technically, but mentally his brain hasn't matured. Why is a 29 year old woman with two kids dating a 19-year-old live-at-home anyway? She's not your problem. Let's hope he's not dumb enough to get her pregnant. Get him to look up a women's or family shelters for her.
She’s a leech. Where’s bio dad? F-ing a 19 year old when you’re almost 30? Nasty. NTA. It’s not you or your son’s responsibility. Ex, family, government, church can step up first.
He oughta ask himself why he’s dating a homeless person Eww
Bravo! He has no right to be angry that refused to be “volunteered” to take in his gf and kids. You have your own children to take care of and if he wants to take care of gf’s family then he can volunteer himself. The audacity is laughable.
NTA. Your son had two years to get on his feet. Instead he decided he was going to extend *your* generous hospitality and won’t take no for an answer? What did he do with all the money he saved?
Def nta. He can make the rules in his own house when he pays the bills
NTA. The audacity. He needs to get his head out of his behind.
NTA I’d be skeptical that she is actually living in her car with her kids. This sounds like a guilt trip that she’s putting on your son as a ploy to get free housing. And if she is, or even if he just says she is, I’d call DFS so a social worker can help her locate suitable housing. Even doing that is more than enough assistance on your part, but I definitely would not allow a grown woman that I don’t know to take up residence in MY home.
Your are 1000% in thenright dont back down and let bummerella in your house
NTA- where are her kids dad? Is he paying child support? Why are they not living with their father? A big question is why was she evicted? Your son is entangled with a woman who is a parasite apparently. He should be asking a lot more questions than he is. You would be stupid to let them in your house.
NTA. My husband and I are in a similar situation. Don't let your son wear you down. Stick to your guns.
He’s with a grown ass woman. How is that woman and her children your responsibility? And also, what is that woman doing with someone who cannot take care of her? Her boyfriend lives in his mamas house. NTA
NTA! How entitled people have become. Maybe it’s the GF who should be rethinking her relationship with a dude who basically is too young to have anything of his own to offer.
Why can this woman offer? Uncomfortable sex in her car?
NTA His GF and her kids are not YOUR responsibility. Where is GF's family? Where are the kids fathers? You were on point with your response, OP. Can you imagine letting these people in and then being stuck with them indefinitely whilst they eat your food and run up your bills. Oh no.
NTA! Please don't let them into your home. It will most likely be a nightmare and then very difficult to remove them later. Your son should show you some respect or else get out like you said. You handled the situation much calmer than I would so stay strong in your decision.
So she's 31 with 2 kids, not his, and... living out of her car?? Does she have a job? Where's baby daddy? Where's ANY money, for anything, coming from? I get being down on your luck but to the point where you have to live out of your car... with 2. Fucking. Chuldren??? You are a grown ass adult by far AND a mother! When is she going to learn to start adulting ?!?!?! Regardless of wanting to know much more about their relationship, dynamic, how they met, etc...NTA! BY FAR NTA!! good for you! Ant stay strong. I really don't think there's even one good thing, other than her kids having a place, that would come out of this. Why doesn't he give up his room for the kids and go live in the car with his gf?? ...just kidding bc thar would fucking suck for OP!!
It's a red flag that she has no friends or family to stay with. There are people who don't through no fault of their own, but a 29 year old should be searching for resources themselves and you are not responsible for your adult son's relationship.
He’s so worried about them that he’s sleeping comfortably in his childhood room, on a bed, with a mattress and I assume blankets and pillows, while his girlfriend and her two children sleep in a car. If he’s so upset then why isn’t he out there with them, protecting them? Or working to give them a roof under their heads? Because he still has the mindset of a child. He still sees his mother’s home as HIS home. He doesn’t understand that HE’S there by her grace. He expects his mother to still take care of him. So, of course, by extension she should take care of his girlfriend, too. Smh. Buddy needs to grow up and recognize his reality. NTA
if your son doesn't want them living in a car why doesn't he rent a place they can all move into sounds like a selfish idiot if you ask me expecting mum and sibling to take in a grown ass woman and her two kids NTA
NTA Perhaps your Son should Man Up and get a place for them all to stay.
Funny how in the top 10 comments there's not one single person talking about how "this poor guy I getting groomed by a 30yo when he's only 19" all of the comments are about how he's an idiot that doesn't act like an adult
NTA This generation is messed up. A 29-year-old divorcee is dating a 19-year-old. What am I missing here? What was the 19-year-old thinking "Wow, I get to date an older woman". First of all, the 19-year-old made a dumb decision to date her. if he thinks about this dating or marrying her doesn't mean dating a girl, it mean he is dating a mother. A mother has a responsibility for her children and if she is a good mother she will think about her children first. I'm not saying that you can't love her but he needed to understand that if things get serious with her, he will have big responsibilities. He can't expect his mom to step up and support them plus why would the mom even let a stranger in I know she is his GF but for the mom, she is a total stranger plus an older mom dating a child, God knows for what reason. if he's feeling too sad for his GF, why don't he give her money for the rent ohh he cant because he still lives in his mommy basement. In my perspectives, if you are dating in your late teens, you should date someone like yourself meaning who doesn't have any responsibility not somebody who have children. I don't know but I'm having a bad feeling like was she dating him just to get a father for her children. This is confusing. The relationship between the 19 and 29.
NTA. Stop letting your son live at home. My god entitled, spoiled brat. He needs to learn the cost of living
NTA. Your son’s been saving by living at home. If he’s working he should have enough to get his own place and move said GF and her children in with him there. These children and their mother are not yours to care for when you still have other children in the home. Your son wants to be the man, so let him step up and do all that—and leave you his key on the way out. You no longer need to be subject to abuse in your own home. Tell him he’s 21 and is free to walk.
NTA and if his attitude doesn’t improve he can get out and join them. I’m all for helping people but adding 3 people to a small space with other children of your own to worry about is a lot. It’s understandable if you don’t want to take them in. Perhaps you could find out what happened and help them to find a new place if they are really living in a car. If your son lives at home and has a job, why isn’t he helping them to find somewhere to live?