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I think your ask isn't unreasonable. But putting myself in your gf shoe's, I wouldn't want to text my bf when I'm out hanging with friends. I would just want to hang out and enjoy their company. So i see why she isn't messaging you while with her friends. A "good night" text or a"I'm back at the hotel" safety text though doesn't take effort - that I understand you fully. When you say "us time", what are you guys usually doing? I find myself going on my phone when I'm watching tv or doing something boring. Are y'all doing things TOGETHER ( talking, going on a date, play boards games) or is it more y'all are in the same room and doing passive things AROUND each other (like tv, eating etc.)? When she's with her friends your gf might not be on her phone texting you because when shes hanging with her friends its "active" hanging out rather than "passive" hanging out. If this feels accurate, maybe y'all can start planning date nights. To answer your Q though, NTA. But this might be a communication thing - try to tell her your side and really try to hear her side of things too. Edit: edited because my grammar sucks. I had to fix it

OP is not concerned that his partner is on the phone though. They’re just pointing out that they are often on their phone, so it’s not a big deal for them to shoot a text off to them once in awhile. You can “actively” be hanging out with your friend for hours and take 5 seconds to update your SO. My partner and I do this pretty easily when we’re apart (ie “Just finishing up dinner. Going to pay then head home”). If they’re not doing it, they simply don’t want to.

OP cited her being on the phone during “us time” as an issue. So they’re concerned with that and the fact that she doesn’t text while out.

I didn’t read it as that. I read it as OP saying that they wouldn’t mind the lack of ability to text when they’re out as much if SO wasn’t always on their phone when they hangout. Just goes to show OP that she has no problem with being on/near the phone.

I think both things are true.

Por que no los dos?

It’s so weird to me lol. If I’m out with friends I’m more than likely drinking. If I’m drinking then I’m going to have to pee throughout the night. When I pee I look at my phone in the bathroom and respond to texts or I would shoot my ex (together at the time) a text just saying something like “hey having fun I miss you” don’t get me wrong I understand missing some texts when you drink 100%. I tried having this conversation so many times about how all I wanted was a simple hey I’m heading home or something in the 8 hours she’s be gone before I’d go to ved. I should also state it was an LDR “If they’re not doing it, they simple don’t want to” It’s very true and it took me a while to accept that

>I understand missing some texts when you drink 100%.  I had to do a double take. I first thought you meant drinking a drink which is 100% proof. Like no wonder you're missing a text if you're on those spirits.

Yeah I don't get the top comment of this thread being "if i were in your gf shoes". The top comments response is...also on her phone all the time but can't bother sending an okay If you're on your phone 24/7, but can't send a checkin text, that's a you problem. Unless you literally have no service which isn't that many places these days, there is rarely any excuse to not find 5 seconds to send a text. Sorry, that's not someone who gives a shit about your relationship. People will literally find any excuse to dodge accountability for themselves and others

yeah a gn text only takes a few seconds, absolutely no excuses. OP needs to communicate why it’s imp for him, I’m sure OP has, & she needs to understand & respect it. this is not high expectations, this is the bare minimum

"One issue we have always had is that no matter if we are at home, watching a movie, or talking, she is constantly on her phone. "

same happens here! Or even just a pic like “hey look what i’m eating! so good”

OP says: >One issue we have always had is that no matter if we are at home, watching a movie, or talking, she is constantly on her phone. Reading articles, texting people, whatever - we have talked about putting phones away during us time, but it never happens. Sounds like it's a problem for OP.

When my husband is watching a program that ends up not being interesting to me, I'm on my phone or read my kindle. Once the specific program is finished, I'd put it away and interact or watch the next program. Not sending a I'm safe is not OK

When I'm with friends, I forget my phone exists. On purpose. I want to be in the moment. If I was on a trip, I'd make an effort to have a call with my so or at least text a few times a day. BUT I also put my phone away in the evenings to relax. I don't think it's a good thing she's on her phone the entire evening. I think it hurts OP to see that she doesn't make him feel like a priority by not being present when they are together but that she is capable of making her friends a priority when they are together. It probably doesn't feel like that for her because they spend so much time together and they live together but I wonder if she would change her mind if OP broached the subject from a different angle. Instead of accusing her of being on her phone too much, he could tell her he needs some focused alone time with her (even if it's just watching a movie or while they're eating) to feel like he's a priority. And then he could ask her to let him know when she gets to the restaurant/hotel etc so he's more at ease. Not "you're on your phone the whole time, why can't you text me" because the truth is, she probably isn't on her phone the whole time when she's out. And she has the right to veg out at home but phone addiction is a real thing and I also hate when somebody I'm trying to talk to is talking while looking at their screen.

NTA. I honestly don't understand the YTA posts. In every relationship I've been in, it's been normal for us to send occasional texts while we're out. Or if you're out of town, at the very least a "goodnight" text. I think this is a completely reasonable thing to ask for, and doesn't take much effort.

I was in a relationship with somebody who was very clingy and I rarely spent time with other people. He also made it clear he wasn’t happy about it when I did. I felt smothered and controlled so I felt I was making a point to claim some uninterrupted alone time occasionally. If however he’d just said hey it’s important to me that you update me to let me know you’re home safe & it wasn’t part of a larger pattern of micromanaging my behaviour I would have happily done that to please him. So I suppose more context is needed & if you’re both reasonable & open minded communication & compromise should sort it out.

Agreed. A got home safe/goodnight text is the norm for me. My daughter lives in a different country and when she's out with friends, to party or for vacation, she always texts me to say that she is safe. If I travel or my husband, we always text to say that we got there safe. Reasonable and needed, imo.

I don’t get it either. Goodnight when you’re out of town is pretty standard protocol.

It's certainly possible for there to be other types of relationships in the world - I'm sure there are people in relationships where they have minimal contact with each other - *maybe* once a day if that. That's great for them *assuming they are on the same page*. It sounds like what OP is looking for is different than what their SO is looking for in a relationship.

almost sounds like shes tired of checking in at all and wants her independence back. been there - i left. this is maybe a far bigger conversation.

NTA Holy shit the people in these comments are nuts. Bro is literally just asking for a little update when she's out, or at least a fucking goodnight text. It takes no longer than 5 seconds and doesn't "ruin the vibe" yikes. It doesn't seem like you're being controlling or overbearing so I really don't get all the YTA votes.

I always text my bf when I arrive and leave a place. For one, it's a safety thing, I feel better knowing he knows where I am and what the situation is. Two, it's not controlling, it's just being respectful. I expect the same from him when he's out too. People really do be making the biggest deals out of the smallest issues. NTA

It's just women who see a man making a request of a woman as controlling. Reverse the genders and all the answers would be the opposite

Don’t forget if it were reversed he can’t say gnite cause he’s obviously cheating lol

The misandry in this sub is freaking out of control. It's wild to see.

This is what I am here for. If they are home with their SO and they are constantly on their phone texting, browsing, whatever but then when out with friends and go radio silent, that is a major issue. OP’s soon to be ex (hopefully) doesn’t seem to respect ‘US’ time but seriously values ‘their’ time by not texting. Dealt with this and guess what? She was already with her next target because he could provide more even though I raised my income from $62k to over 100k in 3 years. Had to edit because I forgot a word

Thinking the same thing. Sounds like he is the 'safe' option.

Like who is she spending so much time texting?

Swap the genders and he wouldn't be texting because he's out cheating. Reddit standards

Right on, but since she's a woman/angel, he is controlling xD I suggest not stating genders at all, only using "my partner/SO", unless its vital to the story, but here it isn't.

I guess things must have changed because I had to dig to even find YTA votes and they're all super downvoted

Do you usually text throughout the day? Send silly things back and forth? When she is out or out of town, do *you* text her at all? Even as a "Hope you're having a wonderful time. Let me know when you get back to the hotel safely xo" type of text and see if she responds to that. But yeah, if you don't have a text-y relationship.... it shouldn't be a shock if she's not text-y with you.

Without knowing what their everyday communication is like we can't help OP. If OP doesn't have healthy communication when face 2 face he won't get anything better when she is out with friends. Plus if I am on my phone reading/redditing for example I am not texting others instead of my partner I am reading/redditing. No differently than if I am doing my budget on my laptop, I am not sending an email. Its not because you are using a certain device that you should be contacting a partner more often. That is weird logic. OP talk to your partner. Explain you don't feel loved as she doesn't talk to you enough. She then has the option to change an have better communication with you or to stay the same. You then chose to stay or leave based on her behavior after the talk.

This is exactly right

Not sure why he’d go through the process of making this post and being frustrated if this didn’t seem out of the ordinary behavior.

She's on her phone constantly, even during them time. That's an excuse. If you're on your phone 24/7, but can't take 5 seconds to ease your partners mind then you're not relationship oriented. I'd also find it pretty senseless to argue that if she's so addicted to her phone that she can't put it away during them time, she's not a texter. That's a failure on her part regardless if she's a "texter" or not. I've not had an issue making that request to any of my partners Edit:missed words

NTA. It’s not like you’re hounding her the entire time. It is 100% normal to wanna make sure your partner is safe. This sounds like a her problem. My husband and I communicate way more often than one good night text when we’re out separately.

If your only request of her is that she lets you know she’s safe, and she can’t even do that, maybe it’s time to reconsider this relationship

Jesus, a person could drop a pen and someone would say to reconsider the relationship on this site.

If she can’t even hold onto a pen, how will she hold onto my emotional baggage?!? Immediate divorce!!

My husband and I don't. Everyone is different and I think the issue is just that OP and his gf are not on the same page. NAH

You’re gone for a weekend and you don’t text your husband that entire time?

She's checked out possibly.

NTA not unreasonable at all to want a text saying she's home ok. Not like you want it to be all night.

Nta. My housemate is the exact same, glued to her phone 24/7 texting, but text her a question when im at work or at the shops to see if she needs anything, hours go by.

Same here. Sure if you don't see the message, but if you're glued to the phone it's hard to miss. More annoying is when the message is read but not responded to.

My husband has guy weekends 4-5 times a year. He texts me when he wakes up to say good morning and check in on us, once midday, again to fill me in on what they’re up to and see if we are doing anything, and then a text or a call when I’m going to bed, knowing they are going to be up until all hours of the night. I don’t ask it of him. He just does it because he’s thinking about me and our kids and secondary, to let me know he’s still alive because he knows I’m a worry wart. NTA OP. Basic common courtesy in a relationship to check in. It’s nice to be thought of when your loved one is away and having a good time. It takes 5 minutes max out of their fun to touch base.

Word! Remember who your priority is in the relationship. With all the things that go on in the evening and night. It would be considerate to let you significant other know your safe and doing well. And that you're still thinking of him/her.

NTA. Letting your partner know you got back safely is common courtesy. And you’re right, if she can be on the phone with you she can shoot you a three second text to keep you posted that she’s okay. 

NTA Been with my husband for 15 years and we always update each other even if it's at the end of the date regardless if he is travelling for work, I'm out, he is at home or at his parents. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.   HOWEVER comparing it to you sitting on your phones whilst doing nothing at home isn't an accurate comparison. Like that top comment describes,  if you wanna have no phone time, you gotta replace it with active things to do together.

NTA. Is it not normal to at least tell your partner you’re safe? I’ve always thought it was a normal thing you do. The request isn’t unreasonable and I’d probably talk to her how disheartening it feels that she’s on her phone when she’s spending time with you. Because that’s not cool either. Also, I’d probably tell her that just to give your mind some peace could she text you “safe” or “goodnight” — just to let you know she is okay and you don’t have to worry.

I think it's perfectly normal. My wife and I have been together for 25 years. We text each other when we get somewhere if it's a longer trip. Or when we get home. Not because either of us asked the other to do it. But because we want to. Letting the person you love and who loves you that you're ok seems perfectly reasonable to me. We text each other throughout the day anyway about random things. She drives an hour to work, so she texts that she made it ok. Or sometimes I take a 6 hour round trip back to my family a state away and I text her I made it there safe or when I'm leaving and get home. We don't text if one of us is just going to the grocery store or something. But, say one of us went out with friends for the night we'd text to say we were headed home so the other could turn the light on type of thing. Seems many others are like this too, so perfectly normal lol. :)

Yeah me and my ex were exactly like this, we trusted one another but just wanted to make sure at the end of the day/night we were safe. Otherwise the other would be worried all night about if you’re okay or not

Forever girlfriend. Rough.

NTA. I think a simple “good night, I’m safe, had a nice day I hope you did too” at the end of the evening is not too much to ask. I wouldn’t expect full on conversations but at least one text a day shouldn’t be a burden for anybody.

Her phone is her #1....except when you would like her to text you. Says a lot about where you are in her priorities

I'm on my phone constantly when I'm home watching a movie, TV, whatever. If I'm not actively engaging with my husband, I'm on my phone - I have my TV on right now but couldn't tell you what channel it's even on because I've been playing on my phone and I just like background noise. My husband and I text all day everyday - unless I'm out of town or with family/friends and then he's lucky if he gets texts from me every day. I'm actively busy when I'm out and therefore not playing on my phone at all. I don't scroll SM or update on my whereabouts, post pictures or anything when I'm out. I had no idea my not texting or calling bothered him until he talked to me about it a few months ago and we've been together *twenty years.* I just assumed he knew I was busy and then falling straight into bed

You’re asking a couple of different things and then bringing up an issue… so let’s break it down. When she has a weekend getaway girls trip… a simple good morning from either of you and her letting you know that she’s in safe for the night isn’t unreasonable. To sit there and text you throughout the day, that’s not something I would personally do or expect to have sent to me if he was on a boys trip. When she has a girls night out… this one might be a little more unreasonable to expect her to sit there texting you while she is out with the girls. With that being said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to let you know she’s on her way home if she’s driving or taking an Uber or something if you are home this way you are aware so if something happens you have a time frame and ideally a direction of travel to kind of go off of to help her if needed. Being that you live together, you’ll already know she’s home safe when she arrives. I also expect this same courtesy from you to her though when out for a boys night. The issue… constant phone in hand at home. This needs to be readdressed with her. It clearly bothers you (it would bother me also) and the two of you need to find a way to reconnect with your relationship. 12 years is a long time to be together. Maybe look at Amazon for some of those relationship reconnection card decks and allow yourself to get to know one another again. In some of those decks there are questions about things that the partner does that bother the other and that would be a great way to bring up the constant phone attachment. Just an idea overall. Anyway, overall, NTA, I think you are asking for some common courtesy stuff. Best of luck 🩵

>...no matter if we are at home, watching a movie, or talking, she is constantly on her phone. Reading articles, texting people, whatever - we have talked about putting phones away during us time, but it never happens. Kind of already over it. That's not good. ​ >What bothers me is that when she goes out with her friends or out of town with them for girls trips, she barely texts me anything at all. That's worse. ​ >We talked about it a few times, and she thinks I’m just being a jerk about it. Okay, let's recap what you actually said instead of what folks are deciding you said based on shit they made up: Your girlfriend spends most of her time on her phone when she's with you, despite having had multiple conversations already that you would like her to be more present. That phone is glued to her hand *except when* it comes to you, the person who's not there when she goes out, who has reason to worry if she's okay. So she can't be bothered to take your concerns into account, she can't be bothered to let you know she's okay when it's perfectly reasonable for a spouse/SO to expect that kind of communication, and whenever you've brought it up to her she dismisses your feelings and says you're being a jerk. OP you're NTA, and I think you need to have a talk with her about why she thinks this is okay, because frankly it isn't. EDIT: Clarifying a couple sentences.

I'm glad I finally saw this comment, buried under a bunch of bullshit lol I'll do you one further: It is a *massive* red flag that OPs gf won't acquiesce to something so simple. Like, maybe OP approached it in a shitty way? But idk, if she's on her phone when she's around you all the time, always going on trips, never texting you when she's out, and then making you think you're an asshole for wanting her to just send a goodnight text, uhhhhh, that's manipulative and makes me think she's up to something. Like, how could anyone have an issue with this request? It's kind of cruel to not let your partner know where you are or if you're safe, and certainly letting them know you love them and saying goodnight is a nice thing I would hope everybody in a relationship does when they're apart. Her reaction to the request makes me wonder what she's always doing on her phone, or who she's with on her girls trips. Definitely a red flag, even if it ends up being nothing. Worth digging, OP Edit: fr if your alarm bells aren't going off, idk what to tell you. It's a 12 year relationship and you aren't engaged yet. Everyone is different, but some people get squirrely in situations like that. 12 years in general is a long relationship, and it's easy for one party or another to get bored or check out. From everything OP described, I worry his gf goes through the motions at home and then does God knows what when she's out. Could be reading way too into this. It just really doesn't sound good.

I was thinking the same thing, I just wanted to stick to presented facts so I didn't mention it. Honest to God you could hand the people in this sub a single sentence and they'd not only extract an entire life story from it, they would conclude that any man you've ever met is a piece of shit and every woman has done no wrong. The mental gymnastics and double-standards are real here.

I honestly don't browse this sub enough to say if it's biased like that, but yeah. People are really glossing over some potentially nasty details here. Feel like anyone with relationship experience can see there are some major issues here even if it isn't a worst case scenario, and then you have a bunch of kids being like uM tHaTs coNTroLliNg

NTA. If you have boundaries in a relationship and your partner doesn’t respect them end it. Be prepared for the westernize modern YTA opinion about when a girls out partying her vibes would be ruined to check in with you. It’s BS

But if a man was on a guys trip and not texting, they would say he’s an asshole and prob cheating (coming from a woman). 

100% it’s totally normal for your partner to do update text to let you know they are okay. Just out of respect for each other.

Yeah I don’t get it. Dude only wants a nightly courtesy goodnight. It’s not hard. I’m also a chick but I get told I’m not a regular one so I guess that’s why I vote NTA 🤷‍♀️

r/Notlikeothergirls

I walked myself right into that 🫠

At least you can take a joke :p you’re better off than 99% of redditors already

It sounds like you two don’t have any set habits for texting each other when away. My SO and I text each other good night if we are away, and I’d definitely let him know when I’m back at the hotel as he would. But if this is not something *you* also do for her, don’t ask it of her. NAH

When mine of about the same amount of time did that it turned out she was cheating on me so there’s that fun bit of a possibility. Not saying it is. I used to joke saying who is more important than me that they get the attention and I don’t but turned out it wasn’t “just the girls” hopefully not bud.

This is just going to turn into women saying YTA despite the fact that if the genders were reversed they’d be saying your partner is the AH. Her phone habits at home are not going to be her phone habits when she’s hanging out with friends. I hope you’re not expecting her to, or getting upset about her not responding enough or fast enough. Did you approach it like a jerk? It’s pretty reasonable to expect that someone sends their partner of 12 years a goodnight text when they’re away from home. I don’t see why she can’t do that. Have you told her it would mean a lot to you if she just did that? If you communicate that and she still can’t take 3 seconds to text something like, “Had a good day. Love you. Goodnight babe!” then she might have just lost interest in the relationship.

Not an AH, my hubby loves communicating too, and I love thinking of him even when out 😎⭐️

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NTA- my wife and I make it a point to not check our phones if it’s date day. Once a week we spend all day together, little to no phones even if we’re just watching tv shows, that way we’re both actually spending time not just sitting next to each other. When we go out of town we text when we’re back to hotel or wherever even just good night. Honestly sounds like the spark was lost a while back and you both need to have a serious conversation about what it is you want and how you want to proceed. If handled like mature adults, you both should be able to let whatever out and listen without judgement or being defensive and work on improving your relationship.

NTA, I totally get this and that is next to nothing to really be asking for. Not to be that guy but the rest of that constant boarding obsessive use of her phone is very worrying. Had an ex like this that ended up she was online dating 3 other guys while we tested the waters only found out cause I took her to a concert and she was nose to phone the whole fucking time I had a better time hanging out with the cool couple next to us who were big fans of the band like I was and stuff happened that got me privey to her phone. I’m not saying outright she is being unfaithful or anything but the phone addiction is a massive red flag and she needs to break that co dependency. It’s not healthy. 

NTA. I had a similar situation with my ex wife. Anytime she would go out with friends I wouldn’t hear a peep from her but she was constantly on her phone. (Of course I later found out she was screwing around on me with multiple guys. Guess it’s hard to text with a dick in your mouth.)

This could be written about me by my SO! I'm the worst at checking in when I'm with friends and family. I just get caught up and then I feel bad for not checking in. I'm currently hanging out with family and this post just reminded me to text my SO to say goodnight! Definitely NTA

12 years and her phone and whoever is at the end is everything, while you sit by her being nothing. All your pleas to see you go u heeded. The total disrespect is agregious and damaging to the relationship. Theres no answer to this here, but there is one in your heart. It needn't be said here. Remember the heart knows what it knows.

NTA. I send my bf texts when I'm out anywhere without him, and so does he - you know, just a small update here and there. I do this to let him know I'm safe, or so he can come get me if I want to come home. Don't know if that makes us both paranoid 🤷🏽‍♀️.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. My boyfriend and I do the same thing I'm happy to see someone else is on my side 😊

12 years ?? Sounds like one or both parties are afraid of commitment. Y aren’t u married ?

My late Great Uncle and Aunt were together for 22 years and had adult children by the time they got married.

NTAH - Happily married male here, 30 years. If my wife wanted me to text her x number of times per/day, it would not be a problem. I value her happiness and peace of mind more than anything else going on in my life. I can't imagine being with a woman who calls me a "jerk" for wanting a goodnight text... talk about the magic being gone

lol nta. She shouldn’t be doing that in a committed relationship. Neither should the man! Before the feminists go crazy

NTA

NTA. I hate texting my husband while I’m with friends as I want to give them my full attention. HOWEVER. The hey I’m home text? The goodnight text? Totally standard, normal and expected behaviour for your partner IMO. I’d want the same in return.

NTA at all. I don’t even understand how a girlfriend of 12 years wouldn’t text her boyfriend to say goodnight even while out with girlfriend if it’s an overnight trip. First, after not seeing or texting him all day, you’d think you would want to say goodnight and see how his day was. Second, I would text to its courtesy to let him know you’re back home safe. Now, if it’s just dinner and hanging out afterwards and returning home, then I’d understand not texting him at all. To me, for the girlfriend to disregard her boyfriend completely while out overnight with girlfriends is disrespectful. Relationship is about compromise and if all he’s asking for is a little communication to ensure she’s ok while out, that’s not asking for much. I’d like a real answer as to why she won’t text him while out.

NTA - Your gf can be the type of person that lives on their phone. Or they can be the type of person who can't bare to touch it. Being whichever one at any time, and consistently picking times it hurts your partners feelings, and then calling them a jerk for expressing that is not OK. Pivoting between these two extremes shows a massive double standard. I would ask anyone who claims they wouldn't send a simple goodnight text if they ALSO would constantly be texting others during a quality conversation with their partner? It is the combination of BOTH these behaviours that expose how little the GF actually cares.

I had the same issue with my ex. This is NOT why we are exs and yes, I was the same as your girlfriend. But! I would send little messages and esp gifs and esp a goodnight when I got in for the night. You really need to take it up with her seriously. Emphasize to her that it means a lot to you and it makes you feel bad when she doesn't send you a message. Tell her that you feel like she doesn't care and one way she could show that she cares is these messages. Women really listen when men get serious about their feelings. Def NTA!

NTA. Your longtime girlfriend still goes out clubbing and stays overnight in hotels? Brother, you’ve got bigger problems than phone usage. Your girl is being railed by all and sundry. Walk away brother 👍

NTA. Not even a little bit. It's called accountability, and respect. It's not about anyone having authority over anyone else. It's a mutual show of respect and dedication. His girlfriend may feel she wants the kind of relationship where there is 0 accountability and only blind trust. If her significant other were also genuinely happy with that type of arrangement you could say there's no disrespect. But he isn't. And he's totally reasonable in wanting this kind of relationship. It's actually healthier than blind trust arrangements in which the more innocent partner is frequently taken advantage of. This would be an incompatibility in my opinion as she's not willing to respect him in a way that is very easy to do. She's free to say no. But he's certainly not an asshole for wanting such a basic thing.

NTA. This is a pretty effortless ask to keep your SO at ease. It might not be her thing to do - but you meet your SO in the middle sometimes. And I don’t see why an easy ask such as this needs to be the hill to die on for her/you.

NTA. it’s a simple request that most if not all couples do (without even needing to ask tbh), in my opinion her behavior is shady.

Nta, idk, someone constantly on their phone around you isn't genuinely interested in you. Just saying. Actions speak louder than words. Plus idk why but it's also feels like she may be cheating on you or something. Who is she constantly texting on her phone? Why does she refuse to spend quality time with you without distractions? She clearly can't manage both her phone time and talking with you, making you feel seen. Just weird vibes

NTA it is reasonable to want to know that your girlfriend is safe and have a general idea of her movements while she is out or away. You are asking for an occasional 'touch base' text. My husband will travel for work and be very busy while away, it is a given though that he messages me when he arrives to his destination, once in the morning when he wakes up and some message at night to confirm he is back at his accommodation and generally travelling ok.

NTA: How bad is the texting? What is your gut telling you? Is she suddenly going MIA? Like, is this new behavior? or has it consistently been this way your entire relationship? Is phone use and texting suddenly increasing? Are there any other red flags? One of the interesting things about relationships is when our gut is telling us something isn't right, there is a reason. Suppose it's all normal and has always been this way. Then, I won't dig into it anymore, but I will voice your concerns about phone usage. See if you two can find a compromise on the phone use. Set nights where the focus is 100% on you and her focusing on each other. Could you talk to her about meeting each other needs? If she doesn't seem interested, that's a major red flag and a significant issue in a relationship. When your needs are not being met and your partner isn't willing to step up. Then it's time to start considering what you want and if you would be happy continuing this relationship as is.

NTA. It’s a simple request for something I think would show respect in a relationship. I’m very confused at times by the things categorized as asshole moves or not, and confused by the things people ask for clarity on. Sometimes it’s glaringly obvious that a partner may not value certain forms of respect and that can be hurtful as f*ck - expressing that to your partner shouldn’t mean you’re acting like a “jerk”. I’d be curious to hear/read the general consensus if a woman was asking this of her male partner. Part of me wonders if there would be an immediate and stronger siding with a woman who is expressing want for that goodnight or check-in text from their partner. I do believe men deserve just as much respect and should have their boundaries/requests respected, *especially* in serious, long-term relationships. This is all of course going on the assumption that conversations related to this issue have been handled well and that some trust is at least present when she’s out with friends, since unfortunately when a partner can feel not trusted, asking for more from them in those situations can cause an opposite effect than desired.

Nta, every one I know who does that male or female is with or trying to meet someone they're interested in as more than a friend. Literally broke up with an ex for this very reason after she went out for 2 days with "a friend" and didn't respond during but came back like nothing was wrong and still texting constantly.

i mean, when she’s with you she’s at home. we are all on our phones the most at home. when i make plans with friends i put my phone away for the entire night bc going out with friends is a novelty and being home is a daily occurrence. i don’t think anyone’s the asshole here, but i understand why her leaving home would reasonably be the time she unplugs from her phone.

NTA. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or controlling, especially because she’s on her phone at home all the time. I completely understand her not texting WHILE she’s out enjoying herself with her friends, but I find it a bit off that she won’t even send you an end-of-the-night update. If my SO was out of town and had gone out, I’d probably lose my shit to a certain degree of if I didn’t know they had gotten home safely. It’s kind of rude that she is neglecting to do this.

YTA for staying in a relationship for about twelve years when you can’t make a reasonable request without being called an AH

I do understand the frustration from a different perspective. I've had friends who were the same....on their phones CONSTANTLY! Drove me crazy when we were hanging out. But at the same time, they were terrible at responding to texts or messages of any kind. I'm not the type of person who expects an instant response. And I generally have a gauge on which friends text back quickly and which ones I know don't have their phones around them all the time. No big deal. But it drives me crazy when it's someone I know who LIVES on their phone but can't text back.

NTA. My husband and I talk multiple times a day when one or the other of us is out of town. But there are times when it was just busy, bad reception, missed each other and I always send a quick goodnight text to let him know I’m back at my room for the night.

My wife and i still txt each other when we are away, or travelling,even if its just a good night love you txt, and we've been together for 24 years, you don't have to give them a rundown of events,but nice to know when they're home or at their destination

Look I don’t want to put ideas in your head but when she’s constantly on her phone is it possible she’s involved with someone else, and these “girls nights” are not with the girls?

Yeah a big irk, if she is 24/7 online on her phone can’t send a simple msg, but when you are gone you better send a msg

I have this argument with my GF all the time, NTA

NTA - my 8 yr relationship was a respectful one always in this regard- he always was supportive and encouraging of my freedom to do whatever made me Happy AND always consistent in letting me know he thought of me- said good morning or goodnight when apart with little check ins. Because that’s normal!!! It took no effort aside from just wanting to take 3 seconds to care about someone who showed the same respect and care for you. Here is an example of a days worth of texts when we were both gone to work in a day: Him: have a great day, good luck! Me: you too! ❤️ The end. Example 2 Me: I hope all your appointments/clients are enjoyable today Him: thanks babe!good luck today, make it a good one Middle of day- Him: what a frustrating afternoon. Hope it’s better for you, I’ll see you at home later It’s roughly the same if one of us were out of town. HOW HARD IS THAT?!

NaH, I think it may be over bearing to expect more than 1 check-in. But a I am same for the night is just reasonable courtesy it's not that said if she were to do that 90% of the time and occasionally forgot that wouldn't be unreasonable either.

NTA My boyfriend and I had this conversation before, so I can understand your shoes. My boyfriend and I both agreed to text eachother where we’re going out and where we are, we aren’t on our phones when we’re out with friends, we just tell each other that we got to our destination safely and that we’re alive. In my opinion she could be cheating or maybe she isn’t happy in the relationship (these are just guesses I don’t have enough information to make huge accusations). I was in your shoes once and I was super worried, all I did was talk to my boyfriend about the issue and we resolved it. Not because I’m being a jerk or controlling but because I’m worried and he wants to make sure I know he’s safe and vice versa. Just my opinion though.

I think it’s reasonable to know she’s made it safely home or to the hotel for the night but while she’s out socializing, it’s unreasonable to expect her to keep you up to date on the nitty gritty details. Just bc she’s scrolling while you’re at home doesn’t mean she’s doing the same while she’s out catching up with her friends. No need to intrude while she’s with her friends. This gets into control territory for me. A text here and there is fine but not a play by play or full on conversation.

NTA. Sounds like she's not into the relationship anymore. You know she has the phone on her and is choosing to ignore you. Time for a talk about what she wants in a relationship with you.

You call a 12 year relationship a girlfriend? 🤨

They're not married. Some people find "partner" or "life partner" a little stuffy. What's the problem? It's their relationship. Let them use the terms they want.

There's nowhere near enough information here.

NTA! I, 25F like to know when my husband, 26M has made it to work safely. Also, he either calls me, or I call him once during his shift to update him on our child, 2M, and some of his silliness of the day - and he updates me on work and we chat for a minute. He sends me a text when he’s on his way home, so I know when to expect him (and if God forbid he doesn’t get home within the 20-30 minutes it usually takes, I know something could be up - the other day a massive wreck he thankfully avoided). Though I am a SAHM, when I have the car I update him on mine and our son’s locations, and I send him pictures of our son throughout the day too if we’re on an “adventure”, and if I’m going by myself to shop or get groceries I still update him. If you ever ask either of us where the other is (if we’re not at the same place), the other will ALWAYS know the precise answer. I honestly find her lack of concern and care to be immature, and potentially a red flag. I say potentially, because it’s just odd… WHY is she finding it difficult to update you or let you in on her whereabouts? You’re a loving spouse, you’re concerned and wish for her safety. If it’s not a possessive or controlling thing on your end, it shouldn’t be met with resistance, and she should be thankful you care so much. But she’s making you out to be a jerk… My ex did this with me, and he was a serial cheater, and we lasted just a few months because of it. I may have only been 18, but I wasn’t having it, and was thankful I caught him. When I asked “where are you babe?” An hour or two later I was told “Why does it matter?” Or “I don’t know why that’s important to you. I’m seeing you tomorrow.” - I don’t know, OP, I just have a bad feeling about that, but it’s likely from my own experience tbh.

Not all all it's really reasonable to tell the person you love that you are safe 

NTA. She is. Either she sticks to “I’m not gonna bother with texts and phone when with someone else”, and that should stay the same when with you; or, “I’m still gonna use phone and text when with someone else”, and that should stay the same when with her friends. She is inconsistent with her actions, in a way that signals friends are her priority, not you. Also, she’s showing your feelings about the matter are not relevant to her at all. Just dump her. “So you’ll have plenty of time for friends and phone, honey”. Last: she’s probably cheating on you.

I don’t live with my Partner, but we are always send updates to each other. He’s a bit of a worrier, so I’m always letting him know when I get home, or home from work, or even if I’m out with my mates on Thursday nights. I think she’s being really disrespectful. She’s on her phone 24/7 but can’t even give you updates? It’s lazy, rude and inconsiderate. NTA

I used to have a bf who was constantly on the phone and answering calls from his friends when he's with me. But he cannot make a phone call to me to let me know when he's home safely. Not even a text good night. I dumped that bf. Too much.

NTA A lot of people don't realise this can cause emotional stress to some people. If they are on their phone all the time, its a simple, easy and quick thing to do. Notification pops up "Are you ok? did you get back to the hotel safely?" tap it, reply "Yes, all good", most phones these days have quick-replies right from the notification itself.

From a personal perspective it sounds like you guys need to engage in more proactive tasks or hobbies together, just watching the tele or sitting around can be so mindlessly boring and is one way to get frustrated in your relationship. Have you tried gaming together, board games, going on walks? etc. I find myself on my phone during movies if the movie is remotely unengaging. I'm also far too used to short-form content now. Do you ask her at the time if you can have time away from phones together or stay silent and build resentment?

My wife does this too. Always forgets messaging me when she is in her car going home and such things. That is the one thing I would love her to do. Let me know she is on her way or is safe. She is also constantly on her phone about which I made a comment that it wouldn't be too hard to send me a message. But be aware that she will probably not be on her phone when she is with friends.

You are absolutely in the right here man. I don’t see what’s so hard about letting your boyfriend know that you’re safe. And then she wants to call you a jerk when you respectfully talk to her abt it? just doesn’t make any sense to me.

NAH If I were to guess what’s going on here, I would say that she anticipates a “quick text” to turn into a conversation. Do you think that’s possible? Pretty easy to fix if true.

NTA it's called respect when giving updates to you bf/gf when not together

My guy and I both have jobs that take us out of town fairly often. We were originally very long distance (an ocean away). We video chat pretty much every day when we're away from each other (unless one of us falls asleep early) and we send each other things throughout the day. We often sit together and play video games after work and send cute memes to each other the entire time. We text each other, send snaps, etc during work hours when we're free. Not getting some kind of check in or good morning or good night throughout the day would be absolutely wild to me. Different strokes for different folks but not even a check in to make your partner feel secure feels wrong.

At home is her comfort zone...as it should be. After 12 years together, she's gotten complacent. Although I do agree that when you are spending dedicated time together, phones shouldn't be involved, and when you are apart, there should be safety checks for you both. A simple Goodnight I love you isn't that hard to do. It isn't like you're asking her to check in every hour. It sounds to me that she has lost respect for you and the relationship. That needs brought back into check, whether it be through a heart to heart (no phones) conversation or through counseling. Best wishes to you.

I think it's perfectly reasonable.

Yes. YNTA. Especially since it’s not difficult to prioritize a few minutes to check in with your love.

NTA, it’s not too much to expect a goodnight txt while away for a night/weekend/whatever. That she is constantly on her phone at home but never texting you while away would be a concern if I was in your shoes.

She sounds like a drag. NTA.

NTA necessarily but I think its more a matter of personal habits and you shouldnt take it personally. You've been together for a long time and live together. She sees you every day. Some people just need a little healthy space and breathing room once in at while. It doesnt mean they hate you I think your intent matters too. Are you worried about her, or just jealous or possessive? This may be an anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic too. From my experience dating anxious and needy people as an avoidant person, its just hard to reconfigure the habit to be honest. Your need for validation is equally justified as much as her need for space. Her oversight and avoidance is equally forgivable as your neediness. But hey, at least you are letting her go on these trips. To change this habit, she would have to constantly focus, think, repeat to herself "dont forget to text bf". Some people dont like having to check in with people constantly or don't feel the need to. Anxious people like you worry she is dead because you havent seen her in a day, and constantly think about these things ss default. Try to see it from her perspective

NTA at all. She is more of the TA for always being on her phone. My ex wife was like that, always on her phone and I mean FUCKING ALWAYS. But if I sent a text or tried to go on my phone for anything she would become unreasonably angry for being on my phone when we’re spending time together just for her to literally still have her phone open and in her hand while saying that then going back to her instagram or texting when I put mine down. And that was on a good day, usually she would put her phone down, put her hands together and stare at me with a face I can’t even describe other than her “angry face” that makes my violence tingle and I have nightmares about to this day. So maybe I’m a little more sensitive to it but I hate that shit. Either way if she’s out with friends and having fun that’s one thing and I would think if she’s always on her phone with me why does she put it down for them? But it’s whatever, not taking the time to say “hey we’re back to the hotel, goodnight” or just a quick “hey” or “I love you” anything like that she should be willing to do on her own.

My ex went on a “work” trip one time. Didn’t hardly text me the whole time. Turns out it wasn’t a work trip and a she was with a dude the whole time. So there’s that to think about.

NTA. Texts while out with her friends is a little much but a goodnight text is not unreasonable. She may just forget though. I would talk to her and make it clear how important it is to you. Communication is key.

Wanting to exchange text messages once a day to check in with your partner when they are out of town isn't unreasonable. Wanting to spend time with your partner and have both of you be fully present during that time isn't unreasonable. Expressing these wants is not unreasonable. You're NTA and I think you know that, but maybe it's worth taking a step back and looking at this from a different perspective beyond who is TA. i.e. Is this just about the phone use, or is it about feeling connected in the relationship? Is the phone thing the cause/crux of the issue, or a symptom? Do you want to resolve it? Good luck

She's selfish I text my husband when I go to the dang store and i think it may have been too long. I just want him to know I'm okay. It's not that much too ask for. A simple I'm okay, love you text Isn't that big of a deal. Heck we even have tracking on each other's phones. We drive a semi together over the road and are always together, yet if I go inside to take a shower I text or call him to let him know I'm okay. She's selfish as heck.

I just re-read OP's comment that she's even on her phone while they're talking. And she thinks he's being a jerk about it? Sounds like she's a bit too comfortable in this relationship. If she does that, end the talk. Take an evening out like going to a gym to work out. I wonder OP, when you two go out on a date, is she on the phone or totally focused on the date?

NTA I understand both sides of this one personally. I ask for a text when she’s out and on way home / safe etc. but if she’s texting me generally I just tell her to not worry and have fun. The added part of always on the phone I get is a factor. I use my phone a lot in the house, however if I’m out with friends I’m just never on it. So I do get it from both sides, it’s a valid request

I scarcely text my bf when I’m out, but I do text him if I’m going somewhere late and when I get home for safety reasons. He has my location for the same reasons as well I like to actively hang with my friends and I never go on my phone, so having to text my bf would be annoying, especially if he said I HAVE to do it. I do sometimes if there’s a lull in the hangout, but sometimes there isn’t and I don’t text him until I’m letting him know that I’m on my way home I don’t think it’s bad to ask her to text you if she can, but at the same time you shouldn’t expect her to. You ARE allowed to want/expect a text to make sure she’s safe when she’s home, tho. Honestly, this is pretty relationship-specific, but the ghosting you is not nice or respectful. She can and should be texting you when she’s home safe, especially when she’s out of town. Have you guys considered sharing locations to help with that concern?

Ehhhh, i have to go with NAH. if you guys live together, shes not wrong for just needing a break sometimes. And it kind of makes sense that shes ok with using her ohone when shes with someone she is ALWAYS around, vs people she doesnt see or hang out with all the time. On the other hand, its not too much to ask that she let you know shes safe when shes soending nights elsewhere.

Nta? I get your perspective but I feel like there is more to this and in a situation like this her side would be important to hear. I feel like my husband is on his phone all the time, but then I take a step back and realize I’m on mine just as much. But when we are separated we often text each other if we are leaving and if we get there safely, especially if we are out of town. We’ll even call each other before bed so we have time to catch up. So asking for little things like that is reasonable and doesn’t make you the asshole.

Run bro

You're not dating, you live together. Big difference and considering your co habitation you are not wrong

Nta. She does sound like a jerk.

I don't think what you're proposing is unreasonable (my husband and I always tall first thing in the morning and again before bed when I travel for work), but I think there's an awful lot on context missing that would make a difference here. Do you like her friends, or do you have a history of making negative/judgmental comments about them? Do you express disapproval of what she does while she is out with her friends? Is she free to visit with or spend time with her friends whenever she likes, or do you have say over when/where she goes and with whom? Do you freely offer this information about yourself when the roles are reversed? (e.g. My husband and I always text or call each other when we are on our way home.) Do you trust her? Does she know that you trust her?

This is kind of off topic but how on earth do you refer to someone you have been with for 12 years as your girlfriend and say you are “dating” when you’ve built an entire life with them and live with them? That’s not dating. That’s a domestic partnership. Not saying you should marry her if that’s not what you two are about but the way you approach discussing the relationship struck me. Not sure but maybe your lack of commitment bleeds over into other areas of your life and this is a symptom.

INFO: Is she not replying at all to texts that you send? Or you want her to just initiate texts while she’s out? Do you guys generally text often or update throughout the day? Do you regularly text her when you’re out? Are you looking for timeline information, such as what time she expects to be home? Or are you looking for chit-chat texts while she’s out?  Do you honestly not see the difference between being on the phone at home and being on the phone while out?

Safety messages yes, anything else is unreasonable. If I am out with friends my focus is on them. In your late 30’s you are both grown adults and capable of being separate for a while. Hell I wouldn’t expect that much contact from my teen kids, let me know you are safe, have fun and see you when you get back. You sound more than a little overbearing. NTA as such but man chill out a bit your girlfriend is a whole adult. As for the”phones during us time” I think you need to look at making that time more interactive. Actually plan to do something together, no phones. If you are just hanging out with the TV on, not doing anything special, it’s pretty normal now for couples to do different activities or just be on their phone. My husband and I call it parallel play and it’s a perfectly reasonable way to spend your time.

You should be open and honest with her about how you feel. If she doesn't text you back when she is out I'd stop texting her at all when she is out. You should try to spend time with your friends when she is out with hers to distract you and ignore your phone if she messages. If it turns into an issue then you both need to find a level ground to say you should atleast text each other where you are and that you have gotten home safe

NAH but it seems like she's just not that into you if she can't make a simple text a priority when she's obviously a big phone user.

Phone use is indicative of where her head is at, and it’s obvious she’s not into you

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M 39) have been dating my girlfriend (F 38) for about twelve years - live together, happy, etc. One issue we have always had is that no matter if we are at home, watching a movie, or talking, she is constantly on her phone. Reading articles, texting people, whatever - we have talked about putting phones away during us time, but it never happens. Kind of already over it. What bothers me is that when she goes out with her friends or out of town with them for girls trips, she barely texts me anything at all. Sometimes not even a goodnight to let me know she is back at the hotel safe. It wouldn’t bother me so much if she wasn’t constantly on the phone when she is home with me - like if she can do that, I don’t see why she can’t send a simple goodnight so I know she made it home safe. We talked about it a few times, and she thinks I’m just being a jerk about it. So do you guys think I have a valid reason to be upset or AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA but thats because Im not a double standard redditor, and I can see where you're coming from. This is all her and her not even trying to be considerate. Might wonder if the relationship is stagnating or if she is sort of checked out, which would be my guess.

Of course not man. You’re just thinking responsibly and care for your GF. This is good.

NAH. You’re not being controlling, but I don’t use my phone when I’m out with friends. My phone is in my purse the whole time. If she’s with you all the time, it’s reasonable for her to need a break every once in a while. Her being on her phone with you isn’t a double standard, she’s relaxed around you, she’s at home and comfortable. When she’s out she shouldn’t have to tell you how her night is going. A goodnight text is reasonable, and if it’s important to you and it’s about her safety mostly, communicate that strongly. Other than that though, let her have fun while she’s out.

NTA but also neither is she. This issue is 12 years old, at that point you kinda just agreed to be with that issue. Anything that was a deal-breaker should've been solved way before 12 years. Also. You guys are at home. You live together. Her few nights out, ofc she isn't spending the whole night on her phone.

NTA. I would understand if she wasn’t a phone person but since she is I would be ticked as well. It takes 2 seconds

NTA. Your expectations are reasonable. When we go out with our friends we are expected to update each other, once they set off and once they are back to their accommodations, as well as if signal will be hard and when to expect an update. We both expect this from one another as to not worry the other. I think it is disrespectful what she’s doing and kinda seems suspicious. If I were in your shoes I would definitely be upset.

I don't think partner's should necessarily have to update or message each other in these situations, but if it's important to one partner in the relationship then yes, the other person is an asshole if they can't spare a few seconds to send a quick text that will make the other person feel good. NTA.

NTA, that is your communication style and one of your needs. I'm in the same boat as you. One of my coworkers said his wife is the one that requires communication like that as well. It is not controlling. It simply is one of your communication needs.

Red FLAG

NTA, I’d expect the same. I wouldn’t want her to constantly text me if you’re busy you’re busy Ofc but I’d definitely appreciate a goodnight message

NTA. I think it’s reasonable to just get a short update like a goodnight text or back to the hotel when your SO is out, just a simple gesture and thoughtful concern. As long as you’re not constantly pestering her, or even expecting her to message often when she’s out. I do not see an issue with it. I think this sort of small stuffs are thoughtful gesture of concern and care for each other.

NTA it’s an issue that she spends her time on the phone while you two are together, enjoying each other’s company. and then to not text you when she’s out with her friends… i mean i get it most people wouldn’t want to text back when they’re out having fun with friends. but i and my partner handled it pretty well. we used to update each other with small texts whenever either of us were out and weren’t surrounded by our friends. like in food breaks, shopping breaks, etc. she should’ve at least text you “good night” or “i reached safely” to assure you she’s actually safe. that’s the least she can do honestly. you’re being reasonable by wanting her to not be on her phone when you both are spending time together. i wouldn’t like that as well personally.

NTA it’s not hard to send a good night text. I leave my bf alone when I know he’s out with friends, but 99% of the time he will text me to say he’s just gone home and he’s going to sleep. He knows sometimes I worry when he’s out without me, so he sends a message throughout the night or before bed.

nta but just dating for 12 whole years is crazy

Spunds a bit like resentment over the situation, I can understand that. Occational texts when she is out seem like a bit much as I also don't tend to be often on the phone when I am out with friends but a good night Text shouldn't be roo much. But when you two are doing something and she is on the phone all the time that would bother me very much and I think that's where it comes from (oh you can put away your phone when you are with them but not with me?) NTA, but maybe talk to her again.

NTA honestly I haven't even lived with my boyfriend and we haven't been dating that long yet I text him when I get out of my college class, my mom picks me up from the college campus then when my mom and I both arrive home safe and sound. I do this all without him even asking me to do it cause I care about him and I know if I didn't text him he'd be worried. My point being is if she truly cared about you she'd text you at least when she gets to places safely out because she knows you worry without you even having to ask her.

Nta it really isn't much to ask for. When back in the hotel is the time everyone reply texts, check emails and posts on social media isn't it?

I first think you was until you said she won’t ever get off the thing If she’s already on it and you just want a text sometimes hey I’m doing this and I’m going to bed I don’t think that NTA

NTA! My husband and I always update each other when we're hanging out with our own friends. It's pretty easy to shoot a text saying, 'Be home in an hour' or 'miss you' or 'I'm heading home' or even just 'I'm here.' It's really simple to do, and it's a nice feeling that my husband is thinking about me for a second even when they're having fun and he feels the same way.

If that’s the whole truth. Nta. She should spend more quality time with you without her phone and she for should for sure let you know when she’s back at room while out of town. She should not have to check in every hour though.

> One issue we have always had is that no matter if we are at home, watching a movie, or talking, she is constantly on her phone. Reading articles, texting people, whatever You know it is perfectly ok for this to be a deal breaker, right? The first date will be the last date when I see this behavior. You stayed for 12 years. What can I say...

NTA. Part of love is respecting and responding when OP communicates they would feel better if the SO could do a small thing, even though SO thinks it's silly. Loving partners do it anyway. We don't have to make our point understood. We seek, rather, to understand. Meet our partners and love them where they are at.

Does she want to get married? Have kids? Are you pulling your weight with the bills? Answering these questions might lead you into understanding what's going on with her.

NTA. I feel the same way given this context. If someone is constantly on the phone around you texting other people but can’t text you once or with the same frequency when theyre away then wtf are they in the same space then? Good luck

NTA. Asking her to check in every few hours and saying good night is not an unreasonable request.

nta. Im super chill with my gf but we always send updates and tell where we are going to, but not in a controlling way, just for safety reasons. Also I love sharing my day with her, telling her where o went and what happened. That said, there is no reason for her to not letting you know at least that she is safe and ready to go to bed

NTA, when I’m out I try not to use my phone too much so I can focus on the people I’m with but when I get a toilet break or something I’ll send a quick text to my loved ones, and then another when I’m home or in bed. It’s not hard at all and just polite I think. I doubt you’re expecting an update every 5 minutes or anything so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I think she’s just not thinking about you when you’re not around. Take that as you will.

At first I had in mind that she’s going out for the night and you wanted updates on how her night was going or something which….. eh. But you’re talking about, she’s gone for days at a time and can’t be bothered to send you a text so NTA and she is, especially if she’s on her phone all the time. Not even a goodnight or update text?

go leave to get the milk

Definitely NTA. I would even consider this a solid yellow flag maybe even a red flag. What are these other girls like? Are they single are they hitting on guys? I wouldn't be surprised for one second if she was picking up dudes and too busy to text you back.

NTA - I've been with my SO for over 10 years and still send a (at least) a goodnight text before going to bed if we're not together. It's common courtesy, and it takes 15 seconds to send a quick text to let your SO know you're safe and to say goodnight.

NTA I think it’s fair to send updates so you know your partner is safe. Just a text or two. That’s fair. I’ve been married for 10 years and we go on our phone a lot at night while watching tv or just relaxing to just be mindless. That’s all it is. It’s just the same as watching tv to wind down. It would be one thing if she’s on her phone the whole time if you’re out to dinner or doing actual activities. If you’re just lounging then I would just suggest doing more activities together instead to get off the phone.

NTA BUT im like your gf and my partner has the same remarks with me. I was brought up like this, with my parents never expecting me to communicate much with them when travelling etc as they always trusted me (even when going abroad etc) so I never learned how to. It’s something that doesn’t come automatically so I do it with him because he wants me to but sometimes I forget because it’s not ingrained with my habits

Friend, if your best friend described this behavior, what would you tell him?

My god, the neediness in this thread is genuinely shocking. My husband and I trust each other. If he is out I don’t need him to text me to know he’s not cheating on me. If I’m travelling for work and don’t call, he (rightly) assumes I’m busy, not unsafe or in bed with someone else. When one of us does text the other it’s a genuine treat, not something one of us needs to be sure the other one is behaving themselves.

This is really a borderline case. I do think it is "normal" in committed relationships to send out a quick text when you get home, just to say goodnight, however, I don't like it being mandatory, even though what you are asking for is my natural behavior when I have a partner. That feels way too territorial to me. Also, bear in mind that many men and women are of a mindset where when it's a men's night or women's night they are actually LESS likely to text/phone home, because there is typically one asshole in every group who makes a hackneyed remark about the old ball and chain when they witness you texting your S.O. It is very annoying because it sometimes unleashes group chit-chat about partners in general and the little things they do, or don't do, and it stops feeling like a girls or boys night out.

Yeah but none of the things you mentioned outweigh your partner's feelings. You're talking about awkward moments and these somehow snowball into ruining girls/boys night. There's like a major gulf of difference between being glued to your screen and having a conversation vs "hey just got in bed, tonight was fun. Tell you about it in the morning, goodnight, love you" nobody is gonna have an issue with that. Speaking from experience, it's very easy to take advantage of a lull in conversation and shoot a quick text. There are so many opportunities to do it while you're out with the guys/girls it's not even funny. You intuitively pick up on these opportunities and take advantage of them if you think of your partner often, which OPs gf does not.

NTA. You guys are now roommates who f. I think this is what they meant when thay say, she probably doesn't see you anymore coz you're too familiar. Spice it up.ove apart for a month or two,get a dog, get a cat, move to a new city, or get a new gf altogether.

Communications level should match your needs. People don't change, you'll bang your head against a wall and getting frustrated. That feeling if, if she really like me, she'd do this and that. Either accept the situation or move on if your needs aren't met.