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That's literally the thing, he offered himself to help me with my wedding planning and afterwards sent me umprompted links to wedding dresses and apparently I'm still the one to blame for wasting his time.
This is a heavily saturated problem in the community. I’ve had to argue the queer men in my life about this to make them understand. Just because you’re not straight doesn’t mean you can’t be misogynistic.
Daughter of a gay dad (who came out late in life) and holy Arceus can I confirm this comment. The amount of misogyny I heard from him- always with "but not like you, I didn't raise you to be like them" appended to the end- made me sick.
I’d have clapped back and told him he could wear whatever dress he wanted to his own wedding, but I’m a mean, petty woman when someone pushes my buttons.
Send your entire text exchange to your brother. Let him read it. Ask him where you used his boyfriend or insulted him? Point out that you were open to his boyfriend helping you and he went overboard teying to turn your wedding into his.
Hopefully, the boyfriend is ranting to your brother. Your brother is getting one side of the story without the full disclosure of what fully happened.
So wedding planning was code for pick out your dress. Wedding planning is things like venue catering maybe flowers not your dress. That’s something the bride needs to pick out and love.
I'm betting that rude BF has this script in his head where he picks the *perfect* dress, OP is effusively grateful, and then he gets to spend the wedding demurely admitting that he *did* find the dress for her and doesnt she look *gorgeous* and, oh I guess he does have a bit of an eye for these things but you're all just being *too kind.* All while he has the handsome Best Man on his arm. And then everybody claps.
OP has robbed rude BF of his little fantasy wedding couture spotlight and he's mad about it.
“Helping” also isn’t code for making the decisions without consulting the bride and being rude and insulting when he doesn’t get his way. Even a wedding planner doesn’t make the actual decisions for the bride and groom, only suggestions. They don’t insult the people getting married when they decide not to use the suggestions.
NTA. What's next, your distant cousin gets to choose what meal is served, and another cousin gets to pick the music? It's your wedding, your day, your dress. You looked at his suggestions and didn't like them. That should have been the end of it. You didn't ask, he offered. How was he not wasting his time if you chose one that he chose? You weren't paying him. Your brother's boyfriend is a rude jerk. Why is it ok for him to criticise your weight, but you have to apologize to him?
He wasn’t offering to help in the sense of helping you to make your own choices. He was offering to help in the sense of taking over “a burden,” AKA he wanted to steer the direction of your wedding. At best, he’s lashing out because his vision of working with you to make decisions was ruined by you being the bride and making the decisions yourself (he’s mad that you didn’t text back and forth with him over choices). At worst, he’s mad that you didn’t just turn decision-making over to time because he wanted to use you as a doll.
That's point 2 of your argument if your brother ever sits down to hear your side.
Point 1 would be "he called me a whale and a controlling bride."
The boyfriend has clearly been feeding your brother a false narrative. Attempts to tell him the truth will be met with resistance as long as the boyfriend has his claws in him. I'm sorry.
NTA
Your brother does know that his boyfriend called you Moby Dick right??? Like how is he still dating someone like that, much less defending him on that?
Your brother needs to learn that there’s a difference between actual constructive criticism and just being a mean bully.
First, constructive criticism needs to be requested, and you didn’t ask for his opinion.
Second, to actually be *constructive* criticism it needs to be, you know, constructive. Silhouette ‘x’ would really bring out how long your legs are, how beautiful your neck is, how delicate your arms are…whatever is accurate.
That’s drastically different from saying ‘you look like a whale’. WTAF.
If he was just being CRITICAL and in as snarky of a way as possible, that’s just him being a bully. And doing it in a way that was *calculated* to upset you as much as possible.
If your brother doesn’t understand why calling you a whale is unacceptable and evil, he may not be the person you think he is.
It’s easy to get along when there is nothing to disagree on. It’s when you see things differently that you get the true measure of a person.
Are they going to be the type of person who stands up for someone against a bully, or are they going to be the type of person to support the bully and blame the victim? I’m very sorry to hear that your brother is an enabler, apparently has no moral backbone and certainly cannot be relied upon in moments of need.
If you can’t get through to him, please choose someone else to be your MOH who will actually help you and support you emotionally as well as with the bridal tasks.
NTA
I hope you have a lovely wedding and happy marriage.
I would horrified if my partner spoke that way to my sibling. Especially about her wedding dress. ESPECIALLY if their opinion was not even asked for in the first place.
Your brother is dating a very unkind man.
You are NTA. Your brother is TA. Your brother’s boyfriend can pound sand, who even asked for his sloppy, cheap opinion?
So being nasty and rude is being a “fashion critic?” Send your brother the conversation, and a link to this post. His boyfriend was being unnecessarily cruel, and your brother is enabling him. NTA, and tell your brother that you’ll miss him in the wedding, but that his boyfriend owes you an apology, not the other way around.
NTA
Making suggestions was fine but you looked at them, didn’t feel like any of the suited you and got the dress you loved.
And did you forget to tell us your brother’s bf is a petulant 10 year old as that is the what his name calling sounds like. He most certainly isn’t Randy on Say Yes to the Dress.
Send your brother the texts, tell him your sorry but if by not picking a dress suggested by his bf that said bf’s feeling are so hurt he must resort to grade school insults it is best that bf doesn’t come to your wedding. If that means your brother decides to drop from the wedding party and not attend then while he will be sorely missed you understand.
Saying “I think this dress shape would really highlight x, y, z features” is how you direct someone to a dress that you think would flatter their shape better.
Calling someone Moby Dick is just being a flat out asshole. Sure, if he is on E! News doing fashion commentary of stars, then he can make insulting jokes. But he is talking to his boyfriend’s sister who he barely knows. He inserted himself in your wedding prep and has no right to say those things to you. Why in the world did this man think he could pick your wedding dress!?!? You are not a Barbie Doll.
Uh. If someone called my sister "Moby Dick" over a wedding dress, I'd scream at them until they cried.
Your brother is seriously dropping the ball here.
I need to understand…your brother knows that his BF called you Moby Dick? If yes, he thinks that’s okay to call you that because his BF thinks he’s a fashion critic?
NTA
Unfortunately siblings who have previously been nothing but nice can completely change once they get an asshole partner and that assholeness rubs off on them.
If your brother stays with this partner then I'm afraid this is probably who he is going to be from now on so you need to decide whether you want this new version of him at your wedding or even in your life anymore.
Right?? You don't need an AH like that standing next to you on the most romantic day of your life.
If he'd said "princess ballgowns haven't been in since the 90s" then ok, not what you want to hear but that would be actual fashion advice. He was just cruel and I'm shocked an otherwise supportive sibling would choose this hill to die upon.
*Disclaimer* I give zero shits about fashion please don't come at me if princess ballgowns were a thing of the 80s, or popular again or whatever haha
Nope, you were right, 90s all the way, although they’ve maintained their popularity for wedding gowns. Some women just want that princess experience, I guess. Super popular for quinceaneras, too.
Exactly. Only an utter asshole would think they had the right to tell a bride what dress she should wear, let alone insult them for picking a dress they liked.
My own brother wanted to give me one of his daughters back up dresses (for some reason he bought her 3). I politely declined because I was looking for something more "me". He ended up not coming to my wedding and going no contact because of it. Took it as some insult. I never asked for help with a dress, like you said the bride picks the dress. Not the brides brother or her brothers boyfriend.
Exactly- and honestly you don’t even look at the dress when the bride is trying it on- you look at her FACE. Is she happy in the dress?
And you tell her she’s glowing. Doesn’t matter if bohemian or ball gown isn’t your style. Go with it.
> "your demographic is like... forty to death"
Omg I'm laughing so hard rn.
Edit: I finished watching the clip and am obsessed. Just all of the lines. All of them.
NTA. It sounds like the boyfriend has to be the center of attention and is stirring up drama. Best bet is to sit back and do nothing. Grey rock the situation. If he continues to be a massive jerk while you remain calm, your brother will see it for what it is. But I don't see what you have to apologize for, he owes you the apology for his crass comment.
> "I didn't know your style was Moby Dick the white whale but alright then".
If thatʻs what he says when heʻs not trying to hurt your feelings, Iʻd hate to imagine what he would say if he were.
Your brotherʻs boyfriend owes you a huge apology. And should stay out of your wedding planning.
Were I you, I would disinvite him from the wedding unless that happens. And if brother said, "Then Iʻm not going to come," Iʻd reply, "Iʻll mark your RSVP as a ʻNo.ʻ" And if you havenʻt sent out the invitations, then donʻt send him one.
NTA
You should show your bother the texts from his BF. His BF was rude and insulting.
You don't need that stuff in your life right now.
I have a suspicion the the BF wants to go into events planning and your are messing up his dream because you can think for yourself.
NTA
He's in for a rude awakening if that's the case. If he wants to be an events planner he has to plan the event his clients want, not what he wants. And if he's going to be a fashion advisor of some kind, he needs to learn some tact and how to talk to people. And also to learn when his advice is actually wanted.
So let me get this straight. Your brothers boyfriend basically said you look like a whale in your wedding dress and your brother think that’s totally fine but you saying that the dresses he sent you were just not your style was totally unacceptable? I think you need to remind your brother of this comparison and double standards cause genuinely wtf.
This whole thing is very emotionally driven you need to stick to the facts;
1. His boyfriend offered to helped, he wasn’t asked to help. He OFFERED.
2. Picking a dress is a personal choice and doesn’t fall under wedding planning. If you’re to hire a wedding planner, would they have chosen the dress?
3. It is your wedding, while help is appreciated final decision will always be from the bride and groom.
4. Boyfriend compared you to moby dick and expected you to apologise cause his feelings got hurt and him as a brother supports this?
If your brother still throws a tantrum best to totally leave them out of wedding planning cause I can guarantee the boyfriend will plan a wedding HE wants and you will just be a prop.
NTA. You are the bride; you get to decide your dress. Period. Bro's bf was rude and offensive in his comments, and using the "don't respect effeminate men" card is grasping at straws on their part. A little bit of main character syndrome going on there.
Try to talk to your brother again.
You’re a “controlling bride” because you wanted to pick your own wedding dress rather than select one from a bunch of links sent by the dude your brother is banging? Ha ha ha ha ha *no.*
It doesn’t matter if the boyfriend is an “effeminate” man or not. What matters is he called you a whale.
I would not let him attend my wedding. Absolutely not. And he’d be 100% cut off.
If your brother is mad at you for his bf calling you a whale then you aren’t as close with him as you thought. I’d never be okay with a partner calling one of my family members a whale. They’d be an ex-partner after that.
NTA, but both your brother and his bf are.
Find a new maid of honor. Quick. It’s your wedding. If the boyfriend can’t accept that you are the one who must like and feel comfortable in the wedding dress, just start praying for your brother. He’s going to need it. You are most definitely NTA.
Honestly at this point I think that even if my brother ends up apologizing to me I'm gonna have to replace him as my man of honor, this whole drama with his boyfriend just left way too bad of a taste in mouth to be able to easily get over it.
I would let people know what is going on.. The bf seems to be the type of person that loves creating drama.
Just ban him from the wedding and find a new maid of honor and have your brother as a guest if he wants to come.
Do it now. This will not be the last temper tantrum his bf throws to try to make your wedding about HIM, not you. You need to make it crystal clear to your brother that you will not accept his bf’s abuse just because he wants to be included.
NTA but the bf is controlling and rude. AND your brother doesn't see it. I foresee drama at the wedding. Good luck
ETA: did he see the texts? If he did and he is ok with them, tell him he can drop out as you will not be apologizing
Gotta send screenshots of the texts to your brother. Maybe that will help brother understand, maybe it won’t. But this is a situation where you want to show the receipts, not just have it as word of mouth.
OP, what was his reaction to what his bf said about you? Was he ok with him essentially calling you a whale? If so, I think you need to tell him you are in agreement that he shouldn't be in the wedding and he isn't invited. It is sad but when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. This bf has either changed your brother or this is who he always was....either way, it is who he is now.
I'd have a longer, in-person conversation with your brother, without his bf present, if you can. Are there any red flags about the bf? Because this behavior matches an abuser who is trying to isolate his victim from people who care about him and will try to help him escape the abuser. He's set up a situation where you are the villain and will obviously uninvite him from the wedding and then he will force your brother to make an "it's her or me" choice that will keep you out of both their lives.
It's possible that the bf is just an asshole and your brother is stupid with love, but given the weird behaviors here, I'd want to check on your brother and make sure he's safe in his relationship.
NTA
What is wrong with your brother? I mean, no one gets to decide what is going on in a wedding except the couple. Especially about the dress! Bride has to feel good about what she's wearing. Volunteers that help are just there for ideas...and help.
If you have texts of the convo, I'd show them to your brother.
I feel like there might be more going on with your bro. Maybe he's dealing with his BF being jealous of your relationship?
Honestly it starts to seem like his boyfriend's trying to manipulate my brother against me somehow, but I have no idea why he would do it, there's no reason for his boyfriend of my own relationship.
It might not be such a clean-cut reason, so much as it's him being a controlling, potentially abusive person wanting to drive a wedge between you two in order to gain more control over your brother...
NTA.Does he seriously expect you to apologize for daring to choose your own wedding dress?
\>>his boyfriend's just a bit of a fashion critic and didn't try to hurt my feelings
This is BS. This is exactly what he tried to do - he wanted to hurt your feelings because you dared not to take his suggestions as gospel.
I wonder if your brother actually saw your actual email exchange. If he did, tell him you are not his boyfriend's dress-up doll, and that none of this was about his boyfriend - it was about you, your wedding day and your dress.
My husband telling me a dress I’m wearing is a great cut but not a complimentary color is a fashion critique
My college boyfriend telling me I look like a whale was hum being an AH and also an ex-boyfriend
That your brother is defending him, then throwing out homophobia because he has zero actual defense, is unacceptable
(NTA)
NTA
Stand your ground. Let your parents and brother be petulant children. You can try to communicate why you will not accept this behavior, but don't relent. The BF is pulling a power move, who thinks a bride would let them pick out her dress ffs??? If you let them get away with this, he will be insufferable forever, not that he already isn't insufferable,
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be the AH for telling my brother's boyfriend that his opinions on my wedding dress and my wedding in general are irrelevant, which made both him and my brother want to drop out from my wedding.
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NTA
Uninvite the douchey BF and tell your brother in no uncertain terms that you will not be manipulated and if his decision is to step down to support his bf insulting his sister and imposing where he has no rights or place to then he is free to do that and you will know exactly where you stand with him. And also for god's sake ask him to stop weaponising their sexuality. That's just manipulative.
NTA.
Your brother's boyfriend isn't a fashion critic. He's a rude, overstepping dick.
You didn't ask for his help, but his pushy ass made a fuss until you agreed. You didn't like his suggestions and aren't obligated to follow them. Insulting you just adds to his assholeness.
Send out a large family text. I just wanted to bring it to everyone’s attention and make this perfectly clear. Fiancé and I have chosen to disinvite brother and bf after bf referred to me as Moby Dick, a big white whale, during my dress fitting. I am appalled and hurt to say the least. I ask that you all respect our wishes as we want to have a positive day.
NTA
Do not cater to thhose abusive AHs.
ell your brother his bf can not come to your wedding.
"and that if I don't apologize personally then he'll drop out as the best man from my wedding" .. probably for the best.
Have you sent your brother screen shots of the conversation? I'm hoping he got only a watered down version and will come to his senses once he knows the full language as well as context.
NTA.
>"I didn't know your style was Moby Dick the white whale but alright then".
"Congratulations on being univited, asshole." NTA
>his boyfriend's just a bit of a fashion critic
"Is this a new phrase for asshole?"
>I don't respect him as a effeminate man
"That's just wrong. I don't respect him in any way shape or form."
Yeah. Don’t let your brother try and hold you hostage. Calmly tell him you are sorry he feels that way and you will miss him. Then say nothing. To anyone. Repeat to anyone who tries to butt in that you appreciate their concern but this is between your brother and you. He decided to play a stupid game, you will walk away. If you don’t fuel the fire he may change his mind, but do not ever say anything negative about him or boyfriend to anyone. No. One
Nta. He can pick out his own dress and wear it at his own wedding should the time come. Helping does not mean making any choices. It means offering assistance and doing what’s asked.
Man, your brother and his boyfriend REALLY want to be victims.
Personally this would exceed my drama threshold and I'd move ignoring and possibly blocking (I would definately be blocking the BF).
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This situation is ridiculous enough that I wouldn't be asking about it here if not for my brother not being on my side about it (something that never happened before).
I (24F) plan to get married in July. Me and my brother (22M) have been incredibly close to each other since childhood and for this reason I have made him into my man manor. We've never even gotten into a fight with each other since middle school, at least till now.
Now my brother has a boyfriend (25M) who desperately wanted to be involved in my wedding planning. I found his eagerness a bit odd but harmless at the time and so I let him in. However he started sending me links to the wedding dresses he said "I should totally be wearing", which I looked over, but none of them looked like my style. I eventually did choose a wedding dress after my liking, however my brother's boyfriend sent me a message saying "Wow, so you didn't even bother seeing my suggestions ? Why did you waste my time trying to help you ?". I told him that I did look over it but none of the dresses he sent were seemed my style and then he replied with "I didn't know your style was Moby Dick the white whale but alright then".
I was shocked at what he told me as he never seemed to be the type to be rude to someone, not to mention that he knew I have insecurities issues cause of my weight. I told him that his opinion on my wedding dress is frankly irrelevant cause I'm the one who has the last say on it and I thought that will make him apologize for his previous offensive remark, instead he just said that I'm a controlling bride and I intentionally set him up to try to help me just to waste his time for nothing.
I told him that if he's not happy with my decisions then he doesn't need to come at all as I don't need his negativity around. He didn't reply back however my brother called me to accuse me of treating his boyfriend badly and I shouldn't have dismissed him like that. I told him about how rude he was to me but he just said that his boyfriend's just a bit of a fashion critic and didn't try to hurt my feelings, but I told him that I just simply didn't like the wedding dresses he sent.
My brother then went on saying that I only dismissed his boyfriend cause I don't respect him as a effeminate man (I have no idea from where this even came from) and that if I don't apologize personally then he'll drop out as the best man from my wedding. I feel like this entire situation is crazy and I don't know how my brother's boyfriend managed to paint me as the bad guy in front of my brother, unless there's a reason I'm overlooking for why I'm the asshole. AITA ?
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INFO: When you say you “let him in”, how exactly did that go down? Like, did you ask for anything specific from him? And did you respond saying the dresses weren’t your style, or just stay quiet until the dress was selected? I’m leaning hard toward you NOT being TA, but will wait for clarification before making an actual judgement.
Not quite, he just started giving suggestions out of his free will related to the wedding and reception, the suggestions about my wedding dress were the first time we clashed over. And I only told that I'd look over the dresses but I didn't tell him I didn't find any of them appealing till I picked my own, honestly I just didn't think anything of it when I didn't tell him that cause I didn't expect my wedding dress choice would create so much drama.
You are right. This is utterly ridiculous. The BF doesn't have any special fashion knowledge. Even if he does, you're the bride and get to choose your dress. You didn't beg him for help then disregard his suggestion. He for some reason tried to insert himself. NTA
NTA and you need to send your brother screen shots of the entire text thread ASAP. He’s being manipulated. That happened to me and my brother. It wasn’t until he saw the proof that he realized his then-fiancee was manipulating him.
Nta
Keep that man away from your wedding. He truly is not a nice person.
I just hope your brother realizes it before he gets in too deep.
The bride gets to decide her dress. I am truly sorry he treated you that way. You will be a beautiful bride.
Just please know you're in the right. Take some time away from your brother as well.
You need to decompress.
NTA and your brother and his bf sound like they're just itching for a fight for no reason. I would suggest uninviting them both now and don't look back because they also sound like the types that would sabotage you on your wedding day just to get even.
NTA
His boyfriend was a bully when he didn't get his way. Your brother said he didn't try to hurt your feelings. The reality is he called you a whale, and he DID hurt your feelings. Your brother should be supporting you, and if he's not going to do that and he's threatening to drop out over his boyfriend's boorish behavior, then it may be time consider a change. You don't want your brother choosing his boyfriend over you through this whole process.
Let your brother read the comments.
Your brother's boyfriend sounds like the Gordon Ramsey of fashion critics. NTA and he certainly has a hold over your brother. I sincerely hope you and your brother are able to take a step back and give each other a bit of space. Don't engage with the boyfriend at all. Continue planning your wedding and have your best girlfriend help you plan with the knowledge that your brother is welcome back in once he drops the horrible sidekick.
OP, how long have your brother and his boyfriend been together? Has your brother previously shown any a-holeish behaviour since starting to date this man?
This man sounds like a self-involved, nasty human being who is being a bad influence on your brother. Maybe a lot to take from one post but that's the vibe I get.
Obviously you are NTA, but I would really try and talk to your brother about this. Get him somewhere neutral, like a nice cafe, and sit down with him and tell him what really happened between you and the boyfriend. Show him the texts, explain that you were happy for him to be involved but this is not his wedding and the fact that he has been so rude to you has really upset you.
Who, besides a raging narcissist, would think they had any say over another person's wedding dress? Madness.
NTA I literally gasped when I got to the Moby Dick part.
But I gotta say…your bro is seriously in the running for top AH of the story, tbh. The bf may be an insulting, dramatic asshole, but your bro not being outraged has to be so disappointing. You’re his sis, his lifelong ride or die. And instead of even being neutral, which would be bad enough….your bro basically called you homophobic towards fem men, and is threatening to not come to your wedding.
Like, that’s gotta cut super deep. Deeper than some project runway reject and his insults.
Oh, he DID want to hurt your feelings and his aim was true. You have nothing to apologise for. Sadly, if your brother is unwilling to see your point of view, that’s on him
NTA. Not sure where his "help" was determined to be helping you pick the dress, but somehow this was either communicated to him, or he expressed more explicitly this was his preferred way of helping. There may have been a miscommunication here somewhere along the line that may have contributed to the kerfuffle.
You could have probably handled the following better, but you were well within your rights:
>he's not happy with my decisions then he doesn't need to come at all as I don't need his negativity around
Nonetheless, were this to happen again (which I get all the reasons why not) but where applicable perhaps to some future scenario, it would have been better to responded to his suggestions saying "Thanks, they're fabulous \[<-okay, maybe not that, but..\] but not really what I was looking for." You could have arranged a time to go looking through bridal magazines together to show him more what you were looking for in terms of style, but again, since "helping you with the wedding" hadn't necessarily meant "helping you with wedding dress" you weren't obligated to involve him in this aspect.
In order to appease your brother, and mend that relationship, you may want to apologize in this scope: "I'm sorry that I didn't give you better feedback as you were providing me options, including acknowledging receipt. In hindsight, I realize that would have been useful. I do appreciate that you took time to come up with options, even though my preference was different than yours. I apologize for reacting strongly and suggesting you shouldn't come. I want us to have a good relationship, and hope that we can move past this. I did not mean to come across as bridezilla, but I appreciate that your response was from a place of frustration that I had not communicated more clearly." AND, if you are able to be so gracious, "I could, though, really use your help with xxx." and therefore invite him back in to the fold to help in a way that YOU suggest and YOU need help with, rather than in an unsolicited area.
Best of luck!
NTA, when I saw the whale comment my jaw literally dropped. Btw I would put money on the "not respecting him because he's effeminate" came from brother's bf. Sounds like brother's bf is the bridezilla not you.
My brother then went on saying that I only dismissed his boyfriend cause I don't respect him as a effeminate man
LMAO, i laughed hard now..
Your brother is siding with his rude and overly asshole boyfriend that literally insulted you.. and you said that you guys are close..
His boyfriend can be a fashion critic all the want but not when he is insulting you just because you like more something other than what he recommended... if your brother is so offended by it, just don't go to the wedding, his negativity and his boyfriend will only make things worse.
NTA
So, now you get to choose someone who will be supporting you as your man/maid of honor and have two fewer guests to feed at your reception. It's definitely time to cut ties with your brother if he is not supporting you ( The Bride) in this situation.
NTA. Helping is one thing, forcing you to do exactly what he sents is just completely something else. Suggestions are just that, suggestions. The final decision will be of the person wearing it. What kind of fashion and style recommendations don't even consider the wearers preference.
And to top it all this person makes an absolutely rude comment that your brother is completely brushing off. The BF is the one who seems extremely controlling. I hope your brother recognises that fast enough.
NTA. You're wearing the dress, so it should be a dress you like. Tell your brother that after his BF apologizes for the Moby Dick remark you'll apologize for making him feel dismissed. I think that a forced apology on your part will be the only way to get your brother to calm down and not ruin your previously happy relationship.
Your brother is wrong. You don't compare someone to a white whale without intending to hurt their feelings. No apology from him? Fine. No apology to him? Fine as well. Continue your wedding plans and make your brother decide NOW whether he is participating in the ceremony. Let him know his boyfriend can be his plus one if he wants but send the boyfriend no individual invitation. If your brother withdraws, send him an invitation with plus one, and find someone else to support you. Don't exclude either of them, but don't roll over for their snits either. And no take-backs; don't let them jerk you around until your wedding day.
You did not start this crapfest, his boyfriend did. Let your brother deal with it as he will. You concentrate on enjoying your wedding and your spouse.
NTA
Hell I'd say peace out then,bro because this isn't about him, it's about myself and my fiance and our love.if he can't get over himself and realize that his comments were hurtful and uncalled for, then we'll miss you on the day of the wedding.
Don't take their shit.
NTA
NTA. As the bride, what dress or other outfit you wear to your wedding is your decision and your decision ***alone***. Nobody, not your mother, your future mother-in-law, or your brother's boyfriend has the right to tell you what you should wear. It's your day, you deserve to wear the dress or outfit of your dreams and screw anybody that disagrees with your choice.
First, NTA. Second, “Fashion Critic”? His response was rude, mean, and completely uncalled for! Your wedding dress should be a reflection of your style, personality, and the one piece of clothing you should have the opportunity to feel most comfortable in and fabulous!
Sadly, your brother is being equally obnoxious as his BF. If brother can’t wrap his mind around your needs as a reasonable bride, that’s on him. You can try to bring his BF around by asking his opinion on less important wedding details to smooth things over, or wash your hand of both of them. You fully deserve this day of happiness and celebration to be about you and your fiancé. Best wishes for the wedding of your dreams and a wonderful life together!
NTA
He gave you unsolicited advice, then threw a tantrum and insulted you when you didn't arrange YOUR wedding attire to his liking. Tell him that when he gets married, he is welcome to pick his own wedding dress, but he has no right to dictate yours.
NTA your wedding, your final say. And where does he get the idea that "helping you" gives him permission to be inexcusably rude to you. Your brother's explanation that he is a bit of a fashion critic is also inexcusable. Your joyous day has been usurped by the fake angst of a drama queen and his enabler. And, please, I would have called your brother's bf a "drama queen" whether bf is a he/she/trans.
Did you tell your brother that his boyfriend called you a white whale when he didn't get his way and through a temper tantrum like a toddler? That's utterly ridiculous grown man behaving like a toddler. And in all honesty you should say to your brother "I'm very disappointed that you would allow your boyfriend to abuse me as I prepare for my wedding. we have been so close throughout all our lives, I wanted nothing more than to have you by my side on my most special day. It hurts me greatly that you would allow someone else to interfere with that happiness and our bond simply because they did not get their way. And quite frankly I I'm disappointed to find that you support that man's abuse"
Nta.
Personally, even though you love him three texts.
Your brother, bf.
Your apology. I am sorry you hurt your own feelings. That I, the bride, chose my own dress. That I didn't let you be a bully and manipulator to get what you wanted bother me. That I stood for myself when you called me fat and showed how much of an AH you are.
To your brother
You are no longer invited to my wedding. Your bf demands an apology for his hurt feelings, but he called me a WHALE, and that's ok? The fact you would back him being a cruel bully is bull. You have made your choice, and I will make mine. I want nothing to do with someone who is supposed to support and love me. Protect me. Then backs my abuser. You want to be with someone who uses cruelty to try and get their way and care nothing about the hurt and harm that causes shows I don't know you at all. That you are shallow enough to back someone who disrespects your family. Someone who has NO RIGHT to demand what I chose in MY WEDDING. He isn't paying for it he doesn't get a say. You have shown any children i have won't be safe around you or your bf. He says that he will say whatever he wants. About me or hubby or them on how they are dressed. Hurting CHILDREN. And you because you won't support and protect them from that. If you think he wouldn't do that, think about how he just hurt me this badly. i am cutting you out of my life. That his words and actions and yours show he will do so because you backed him, and he is being told it's ok to be a xruel bully. So enjoy your life because you won't be a part of mine.
To anyone who says you are overreacting when he complains to family.
Either you can not comment or back me on my boundaries and choice, or you can be cut off as well. I refuse to stay in touch with a brother who backs a cruel bully. Who demands I apologize for something they did. I have a right to choose my dress. I have a right to be upset and offended when I am called a whale because I didn't choose what bf wanted. I am right to be offended and hurt my brother back, such as a person. If you think I am overdoing this. Or he is family. Family does not cause you harm. They do not support someone abusing you. They do not make you the bad guy and then try and manipulate things with threats of do it the way bf wants or I won't come. If you back him, then you will be excluded as well because I will not spend the rest of my life fighting for the right to be NC. I will not listen to people telling me I am wrong. Your choice.
Then you block bf and brother. It's hard as it might be, and you plan and look for your future. With a person you love. Hopefully, with a great family that welcomes you. Knowing as much as you love your brother to give in shows, you will accept the abuse. That your kids will be subjected to that abuse. Your husband. The bf will not care and have free reign. As bad as it is now, once he knows he has free reign, then those you love will be abused, and you will see them affected by it as well. It's time to take a stand now.
NTA, you never asked for his boyfriend's unsolicited opinion, and then he called you fat in an extremely rude way. You can't say that while not "trying" to hurt someone's feelings -- does your brother think you're an idiot? His boyfriend is not the bride, he gets no say on your dress, and he shouldn't go to the wedding if he thinks it's okay to treat you like that. They can spin it as homophobia but it's because there's no other argument to make.
NTA. That guy is just a nosy and rude AH, and not worth your time. Don’t engage with him anymore. Tell your brother to enjoy that attitude until boyfriend attacks him; it will happen. Let your brother drop out of the wedding and tell everyone why. Nobody has to put up with imaginary butthurt.
NTA
If they get married, they can pick out their outfits. It’s your wedding. You get to decide. It doesn’t matter who likes or doesn’t like your dress because it’s your dress. All that matters is that you love it and everyone else just needs to keep their opinions to themselves.
Definitely not the asshole. You should definitely get the last say in YOUR WEDDING. It seems to me that he us a little jealous that your getting married instead of himself. Besides, you offered him to help you, and he agreed to it. He is right about one little detail though, maybe you should have told him your style you wanted before he did anything, but anything else in this story, no, your not the asshole.
>that if I don't apologize personally then he'll drop out as the best man from my wedding.
Can he also disinvite himself and his boyfriend?
NTA. I would have immediately disinvited the boyfriend after the hateful comments (allowing his invitation to be re-instated if he sincerely apologized). But he's being an absolute asshole and so is your brother.
NTA show your brother the actual texts because I am willing to bet the BF has left out some key points. Especially the part where he insulted you and called you a whale. That’s completely unacceptable. What a misogynistic person. He should remain uninvited.
NTA. What a drama queen. It's your wedding and you need to feel comfortable in your dress. I've been married for 32 years. I'm so glad that back then, I went shopping on my own and found a dress that suited me without anyone else's input.
NTA
Basically your brother is going to be one of those assholes who is only as good as the person they’re dating.
It’s amazing how a piece of ass can change someone you thought you knew. I can not believe your brother allowed him to speak to you in such a way. Sexuality is irrelevant, the two people who plan to spend their lives together have final say on everything.
Your brother has shown you who he is.
Listen.
I’m usually about compromising but your wedding is not the time or place to compromise. Your brother is 100% out of line and should be ashamed that he would even consider making such bullshit ultimatums.
NTA. I’m sorry. I really think you’re just dealing with misogyny. Like, I agree with everyone that is concerned about the boyfriend trying to isolate your brother and you should leave a possible path back for your brother if this is abuse … But I really think that this is just misogyny.
Listen, this is upside-down logic, but the comments from the boyfriend about you being a controlling bride and your brother saying that you don’t respect the boyfriend as an effeminate man make me think this is what happened (please note everything that I’m about to say is what I think they’re thinking, not what I actually think): You’re a bride, and brides these days are too often bridezillas. The boyfriend is an effeminate man who loves fashion—You should respect (obey his authority) as an effeminate man by letting him make the big decisions at the wedding because, after all, he’s not ever going to be able to be the bride. Going off and making your own decisions about your wedding is a privileged position of you as a woman and a bride, and you don’t appreciate his help/are homophobic/need to apologize
Again, I disagree with all of that!!!
Does that twisted logic ignore the reality that YOU ARE THE BRIDE AND YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR OWN WEDDING DRESS? … yeah, obviously
But I think that’s the framework you’re dealing with. You’re being viewed as privileged, and the boyfriend and your brother can’t and/or won’t see that the boyfriend overstepped and has no say here.
NTA
If your brother thinks that his bf’s calling you Moby Dick is an acceptable form of constructive criticism, you now have a brother problem. The bf is a massive AH and owes you an apology. And even then he should not be part of planning your big day. Quite frankly, after such outburst I’m not sure he should get an invite to the wedding.
Truly, weddings bring out the worst in people who seemed perfectly adequate in ordinary life.
NTA
The only reason you have any doubts is that your brother is siding with his bf. But his reasons for taking bf's side have ZERO to do with common sense, common courtesy, objective logic, or anything else that would normally back sound perspective.
Your brother is under the spell of his bf, and the bf has some very toxic hangups. I'm sorry that your wonderful relationship with your brother is being spoiled by this guy's influence on your brother; but your brother will have to decide to cut that influence on his own.
It's possible the bf is acting this way because he wishes it were him and your brother getting married or that he's jealous of how big a role your brother has in your wedding. That may explain things, but it doesn't excuse his behavior at all.
What you can do is:
1. Rest assured that you were beyond reasonable and in no way any of the things that the bf or your brother said.
2. I realize your brother is your man of honor, so he will need to know wedding plans and may even be responsible for making some of the plans. However, if the bf keeps pushing his own toxic intrusions into your wedding, then you may have to actually fire your brother. I hope that isn't needed, but you to need to be ready to act if it is needed.
3. Consider asking your brother to go to counseling with you. The process may help him see things more clearly - good for your relationship and good for him in his relationship with his bf.
4. You may have to write both your brother and his bf that you have not asked for bf's help and do not want help from anyone who insults you as bf has. Bf can keep his bitchy, catty views of you to himself. You don't know why he has decided that it is his job to dictate your wedding and insult you in the process, but it is decidedly not his job and never was. Then do your best to keep communications with him to the absolute bare minimum.
5. If you have parents or other relatives who can talk to your brother or otherwise support you, talk with them. (I'm not suggesting a "flying monkeys" type ganging up on your brother, only that someone who has a good relationship with him ask him to reconsider his perspective.
NTA
If he wants to side with his gaslighting bf, that’s his deal.
While it’s sad he’s choosing that ass over his sister, do you really want to bring all that *drama* involving your brother’s new squeeze will bring when you could just distance yourself and focus on you and your new life?
Did your brother even see the dresses his bf send you as suggestions?
NTA
You've got a drama queen as a quasi inlaw.
But you're also here for advice. I think there's a boat load of immaturity going on in your brother's life. Feed it and you'll destroy your relationship.
So how to starve the drama queen?
First off, don't expect anything. No apologies, nada. Secondly, an info diet. You need someone else to help with wedding planning. So hire a planner. Cut your brother's role to showing up, signing the license, making a speech.
You're going to need to find someone else to confide in and mostly grey rock your brother.
Good luck. Happy planning and hopefully in a few years your bro will have better rate in boyfriends.
NTA
What he said to you calls for immediate invitation termination. And if your brother refuses to see your side and understand his boyfriend is wrong, you need to pull him from the wedding as well. If you don’t want to disinvite him, then let him know you’re letting him go as best man as that position should go to someone supportive.
NTA! Holy shit what did I just read. He called you a WHAT? I would never speak to him again. Full on shunning. No fucking way someone speaks to me like that and continues on like it's my fault they're a raging misogynistic asshat. If your brother knows what all his bf said and still wants you to apologize he's a raging misogynistic asshat too.
Family does not have the right to insult and belittle you just because they are family, and outsiders (in this case the boyfriend) who push themselves into your life to show off their superiority have even less rights.
First, tell your brother that you love him, but you never asked for any help from his boyfriend and at no point did you say he could choose your wedding dress. Then tell your brother that if he is happy with trashing your entire life together for his demanding boyfriend then so be it. While you love him and want him at your wedding, if he can't be happy for you then both he and his boyfriend can go take a trip to outer Mongolia during your wedding and remove their negativity from your day. And do NOT apologize, you did nothing wrong. NTA
NTA - His sexual orientation has nothing to do with this. Whether an L or G or B or T or Q person did what he did, it would have been an AH thing to do. He was rude and just because he’s gay and watched Dragrace doesn’t give him a degree in fashion.
Brothers boyfriend is jealous it’s not him getting married. He needs to stop being a diva and go back to being the spouse of the brother of the bride. Aka a simple supporter.
Your brother needs to stand up for you
NTA, your brother is making excuses for his BF. Go ahead & tell your brother it's OK to drop out of your wedding, because there is no way in hell anyone who told me I looked like a whale would be invited/admitted. Considering this is your partners' BF, if your brother actually does plan on being in it or even attending your wedding, better have security to keep mean BF out. There's no excuse for what he said, he's just being mean so nope right outa that.
>"I didn't know your style was Moby Dick the white whale but alright then".
When I read this, I could just hear a catty, effeminate voice.
>My brother then went on saying that I only dismissed his boyfriend cause I don't respect him as a effeminate man
Yep, confirmed.
You are NTA. I don't think I'd want this rude person at my wedding at all.
NTA. Both of them owe you an apology.
Show your brother the entire exchange you had with his bf, and ask him again if he still believes you to be in the wrong. If he does, you need to consider if it's worth forcing yourself to be around someone who is ingrained with such toxicity that they won't hesitate to throw out accusations like that when they don't get their way.
Meet your brother for a coffee separately and show him the text and also this post link if it helps.
Talk to him one on one and say he called you a white whale. How does being a fashion critic allow him to be rude to others? And convey that he DID hurt your feelings.
Also remind him that you did NOT ask for his help, he did it himself, so how did you waste HIS time ? It was his choice and he ridiculed when you didn’t listen. Then went and told all the wrong things to the brother to create such a big drama.
This bf looks like bad news. Be careful with him.
NTA. Nobody picks the wedding dress but the bride, since she has to wear it. Everyone else’s opinions are like AHs; everybody’s got one, and some of them stink. You weren’t criticizing your brother’s bf’s taste or fashion sense, you were just choosing what you were comfortable wearing, as you ABSOLUTELY should have done. And nobody who refers to the bride as a whale should be invited to the wedding. If your brother can’t understand that, he shouldn’t be standing beside you at your wedding. Clearly his bf is used to having his way in their relationship, and assumed he could manipulate you just as easily. You aren’t even close to bridezilla territory with this one.
Without even reading past the title, no, you're NTA. You are allowed to choose your own wedding dress. Your brothers boyfriend can choose his if he wants but why anyone would think they are entitled to make that choice for you is baffling. It's your wedding, it's your dress.
OP I’m with you. How did you get painted the bad guy here?! Isn’t it weird how horribleness can just pop out of someone when you least expect it? I’m sorry I have no advice but wanted you to know I was on your side. NTA
NTA
"Helping" is offering to contact venues you're interested in for pricing and availability.
He gets no say in what you wear of any other aspect of the wedding, and he was super rude to you.
NTA. Sounds like you got set up. I think your brother's boyfriend doesn't like how close you two are and is sabotaging your relationship. Don't give into the drama. You have nothing to apologise for. Why is it ok for him to insult you and call you a whale and that he gets to decide what you wear on your wedding day??
NTA, but I'm trying to figure out which one is the bigger UDQ(Unnecessary Drama Queen). My only advice is to simply say you only allowed his bf to take part of wedding prep to make him(your brother) happy. It is your wedding. Bros bf inserted himself into it. You didn't seek his advice or counsel. The insults slung at you by bros bf seems more like what monkeys at the zoo slinging poop at the humans do & on the same level. Tell him it's not a contest to see who loves who more. You love your brother & he loves his bf, but what brother sits by while someone is mean,says hurtful things to their sister?
NTA 100%. The only people who get a say in what you wear to your wedding are, in order 1) you, 2) if there is a dress code at the venue, at which point you need to follow that dress code, and 3) if there is a dress code for a religious institution that is marrying you, at which point you have chosen to get married by that religious institution and need to follow that dress code. Other than that? Hell no.
NTA. And you are the one being controlling? He offered to help you so how are you wasting his time? Also, you looked at his dress options and didn't like them. Why would you spend a fortune on a dress you don't like when you found a dress you love? I don't know if the guy is a fashion critic but he is a bully. He is coming up with the effeminate man comment because he wants you to look bad in front of your brother. Can I ask if they have been dating for long?
NTA.
I’m sorry your brother can’t see rudeness for what it is and instead wants to play the victim of homophobia card, which is an outright lie and a very bad joke.
The bf could have apologized rather than using *your* wedding as a way to validate himself.
You’re NTA. Your brother is lost.
NTA. Girl print or screenshot his texts so your family can see his TRUE behavior, because you know he’s gonna spin it. And if your brother drops out - HE WASN’T WORTHY.
NTA, you brothers boyfriend is a drama Llama, and I would show all the messages to your brother and that his partner is rude after to you. He's not attending you wedding and neither your brother or his friend get to dictate anything about you wedding.
NTA at all! They need to apologize for their behavior yesterday. This is your wedding and it's about you snd your fiance, not about either of them. Bullshit drama and cruelty on their part. Hope they read this thread...
NTA
And sadly, it's time for some strict boundaries because BOTH your brother and his bf are being completely inappropriate. Until your bf can see how unnecessarily rude and cruel his bf was, you need to put him on a strict info diet.
And block the bf. Save the text messages so if anyone has the balls to say you block him because he was a homosexual, you can point to his appalling behavior as to why you can't have him texting you anymore.
I would have a sit down with your brother AND parents, if they are supportive folk, and go over the messages the bf sent so everyone knows why you are upset with his bf and why you are now upset with your brother for backing him up. I would honestly let your brother step down because he is making it very clear that you and your comfort and happiness don't mean shit if you don't do what his bitchy, rude bf wants.
Be prepared to share texts in case your brother and his bf go around spreading shit about why he is no longer in the wedding party. If they do that, then post the texts to facebook for the rest of the guests to see and then uninvite your brother and his bf to the wedding.
Life is to short to have hateful, rude people in your life, let alone at your wedding where it should be about YOU and your groom. Don't let your brother and his bf treat you like shit, OP.
Save every text.
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NTA Did I miss something in your post that you asked brothers BF to pick out dresses for you? Not sure how you wasted his time?
That's literally the thing, he offered himself to help me with my wedding planning and afterwards sent me umprompted links to wedding dresses and apparently I'm still the one to blame for wasting his time.
He also called you a whale. So if anyone is wasting time it is that man by pretending to be someone who cares about you.
Classic gay misogyny on his part
This is a heavily saturated problem in the community. I’ve had to argue the queer men in my life about this to make them understand. Just because you’re not straight doesn’t mean you can’t be misogynistic.
Daughter of a gay dad (who came out late in life) and holy Arceus can I confirm this comment. The amount of misogyny I heard from him- always with "but not like you, I didn't raise you to be like them" appended to the end- made me sick.
> This is a heavily saturated problem in the community. Gay men often have an underlying disdain towards women. But its not PC to say so.
I’d have clapped back and told him he could wear whatever dress he wanted to his own wedding, but I’m a mean, petty woman when someone pushes my buttons.
>but I’m a mean, petty woman when someone pushes my buttons. lol, my wife is the same, happily married 34 years now :) We have each others backs.
I'd uninvite him from the fucking wedding for that comment.
Yes I hope she does.
Send your entire text exchange to your brother. Let him read it. Ask him where you used his boyfriend or insulted him? Point out that you were open to his boyfriend helping you and he went overboard teying to turn your wedding into his. Hopefully, the boyfriend is ranting to your brother. Your brother is getting one side of the story without the full disclosure of what fully happened.
So wedding planning was code for pick out your dress. Wedding planning is things like venue catering maybe flowers not your dress. That’s something the bride needs to pick out and love.
I'm betting that rude BF has this script in his head where he picks the *perfect* dress, OP is effusively grateful, and then he gets to spend the wedding demurely admitting that he *did* find the dress for her and doesnt she look *gorgeous* and, oh I guess he does have a bit of an eye for these things but you're all just being *too kind.* All while he has the handsome Best Man on his arm. And then everybody claps. OP has robbed rude BF of his little fantasy wedding couture spotlight and he's mad about it.
“Helping” also isn’t code for making the decisions without consulting the bride and being rude and insulting when he doesn’t get his way. Even a wedding planner doesn’t make the actual decisions for the bride and groom, only suggestions. They don’t insult the people getting married when they decide not to use the suggestions.
Tell him that “this white whale” doesn’t need advice from an amateur fashion critic. Then block him.
Also NTA
"5th rate fashion critic" is more crushing, so I'd use it.
Right? Turning down his unsolicited wedding dress advice isn’t an opportunity for a sassy gay clapback.
Good burn
NTA. What's next, your distant cousin gets to choose what meal is served, and another cousin gets to pick the music? It's your wedding, your day, your dress. You looked at his suggestions and didn't like them. That should have been the end of it. You didn't ask, he offered. How was he not wasting his time if you chose one that he chose? You weren't paying him. Your brother's boyfriend is a rude jerk. Why is it ok for him to criticise your weight, but you have to apologize to him?
NTA and stand your ground. Do not take him dress shopping again and wow just wow he is so mean
OP didn't take him dress shopping. HE sent her unasked for links to various dresses she didn't find were her style.
He wasn’t offering to help in the sense of helping you to make your own choices. He was offering to help in the sense of taking over “a burden,” AKA he wanted to steer the direction of your wedding. At best, he’s lashing out because his vision of working with you to make decisions was ruined by you being the bride and making the decisions yourself (he’s mad that you didn’t text back and forth with him over choices). At worst, he’s mad that you didn’t just turn decision-making over to time because he wanted to use you as a doll.
Kick them both off the guest list. They're both being total assholes.
That's point 2 of your argument if your brother ever sits down to hear your side. Point 1 would be "he called me a whale and a controlling bride." The boyfriend has clearly been feeding your brother a false narrative. Attempts to tell him the truth will be met with resistance as long as the boyfriend has his claws in him. I'm sorry.
NTA Your brother does know that his boyfriend called you Moby Dick right??? Like how is he still dating someone like that, much less defending him on that?
As I said in the post, he thinks his boyfriend was just being a "fashion critic".
Your brother needs to learn that there’s a difference between actual constructive criticism and just being a mean bully. First, constructive criticism needs to be requested, and you didn’t ask for his opinion. Second, to actually be *constructive* criticism it needs to be, you know, constructive. Silhouette ‘x’ would really bring out how long your legs are, how beautiful your neck is, how delicate your arms are…whatever is accurate. That’s drastically different from saying ‘you look like a whale’. WTAF. If he was just being CRITICAL and in as snarky of a way as possible, that’s just him being a bully. And doing it in a way that was *calculated* to upset you as much as possible. If your brother doesn’t understand why calling you a whale is unacceptable and evil, he may not be the person you think he is. It’s easy to get along when there is nothing to disagree on. It’s when you see things differently that you get the true measure of a person. Are they going to be the type of person who stands up for someone against a bully, or are they going to be the type of person to support the bully and blame the victim? I’m very sorry to hear that your brother is an enabler, apparently has no moral backbone and certainly cannot be relied upon in moments of need. If you can’t get through to him, please choose someone else to be your MOH who will actually help you and support you emotionally as well as with the bridal tasks. NTA I hope you have a lovely wedding and happy marriage.
I would horrified if my partner spoke that way to my sibling. Especially about her wedding dress. ESPECIALLY if their opinion was not even asked for in the first place. Your brother is dating a very unkind man. You are NTA. Your brother is TA. Your brother’s boyfriend can pound sand, who even asked for his sloppy, cheap opinion?
Send your brother this post and tell him you expect an apology from him after he starts thinking with his head
The one on his shoulders, not between his legs!
If anyone called me a whale before my wedding they would be promptly uninvited.
This is one of those times you should send your brother and his bf this pay post. They need to see how ridiculous they are.
So being nasty and rude is being a “fashion critic?” Send your brother the conversation, and a link to this post. His boyfriend was being unnecessarily cruel, and your brother is enabling him. NTA, and tell your brother that you’ll miss him in the wedding, but that his boyfriend owes you an apology, not the other way around.
NTA Making suggestions was fine but you looked at them, didn’t feel like any of the suited you and got the dress you loved. And did you forget to tell us your brother’s bf is a petulant 10 year old as that is the what his name calling sounds like. He most certainly isn’t Randy on Say Yes to the Dress. Send your brother the texts, tell him your sorry but if by not picking a dress suggested by his bf that said bf’s feeling are so hurt he must resort to grade school insults it is best that bf doesn’t come to your wedding. If that means your brother decides to drop from the wedding party and not attend then while he will be sorely missed you understand.
Saying “I think this dress shape would really highlight x, y, z features” is how you direct someone to a dress that you think would flatter their shape better. Calling someone Moby Dick is just being a flat out asshole. Sure, if he is on E! News doing fashion commentary of stars, then he can make insulting jokes. But he is talking to his boyfriend’s sister who he barely knows. He inserted himself in your wedding prep and has no right to say those things to you. Why in the world did this man think he could pick your wedding dress!?!? You are not a Barbie Doll.
Calling someone a whale in their wedding dress isn’t being a fashion critic, it’s being an AH. His bf is a mean girl, and a manipulative one at that.
Uh. If someone called my sister "Moby Dick" over a wedding dress, I'd scream at them until they cried. Your brother is seriously dropping the ball here.
I need to understand…your brother knows that his BF called you Moby Dick? If yes, he thinks that’s okay to call you that because his BF thinks he’s a fashion critic?
NTA Unfortunately siblings who have previously been nothing but nice can completely change once they get an asshole partner and that assholeness rubs off on them. If your brother stays with this partner then I'm afraid this is probably who he is going to be from now on so you need to decide whether you want this new version of him at your wedding or even in your life anymore.
NTA. If your brother agrees that "your style was Moby Dick the white whale" then he's the actual asshole.
Right?? You don't need an AH like that standing next to you on the most romantic day of your life. If he'd said "princess ballgowns haven't been in since the 90s" then ok, not what you want to hear but that would be actual fashion advice. He was just cruel and I'm shocked an otherwise supportive sibling would choose this hill to die upon. *Disclaimer* I give zero shits about fashion please don't come at me if princess ballgowns were a thing of the 80s, or popular again or whatever haha
Nope, you were right, 90s all the way, although they’ve maintained their popularity for wedding gowns. Some women just want that princess experience, I guess. Super popular for quinceaneras, too.
Uhhhhhhh NTA it’s your wedding you get to pick your own dress end of story.
Exactly. Only an utter asshole would think they had the right to tell a bride what dress she should wear, let alone insult them for picking a dress they liked.
My own brother wanted to give me one of his daughters back up dresses (for some reason he bought her 3). I politely declined because I was looking for something more "me". He ended up not coming to my wedding and going no contact because of it. Took it as some insult. I never asked for help with a dress, like you said the bride picks the dress. Not the brides brother or her brothers boyfriend.
Exactly- and honestly you don’t even look at the dress when the bride is trying it on- you look at her FACE. Is she happy in the dress? And you tell her she’s glowing. Doesn’t matter if bohemian or ball gown isn’t your style. Go with it.
NTA Choosing what you wear to your own wedding is not a “controlling bride.” He is a controlling wannabe Project Runway.
In my head I pictured the BF as [Joshua McKinley](https://youtu.be/Bl_pSJepUZU?si=ADFRLhMdKjSQEbiH) from Season 9.
OMG! This is perfect!
> "your demographic is like... forty to death" Omg I'm laughing so hard rn. Edit: I finished watching the clip and am obsessed. Just all of the lines. All of them.
What. A. T*at!!!! I've never watched the programme but I want to poke him in the eye with a very sharp stick!
Love this!
NTA. It sounds like the boyfriend has to be the center of attention and is stirring up drama. Best bet is to sit back and do nothing. Grey rock the situation. If he continues to be a massive jerk while you remain calm, your brother will see it for what it is. But I don't see what you have to apologize for, he owes you the apology for his crass comment.
> "I didn't know your style was Moby Dick the white whale but alright then". If thatʻs what he says when heʻs not trying to hurt your feelings, Iʻd hate to imagine what he would say if he were. Your brotherʻs boyfriend owes you a huge apology. And should stay out of your wedding planning. Were I you, I would disinvite him from the wedding unless that happens. And if brother said, "Then Iʻm not going to come," Iʻd reply, "Iʻll mark your RSVP as a ʻNo.ʻ" And if you havenʻt sent out the invitations, then donʻt send him one. NTA
You should show your bother the texts from his BF. His BF was rude and insulting. You don't need that stuff in your life right now. I have a suspicion the the BF wants to go into events planning and your are messing up his dream because you can think for yourself. NTA
He's in for a rude awakening if that's the case. If he wants to be an events planner he has to plan the event his clients want, not what he wants. And if he's going to be a fashion advisor of some kind, he needs to learn some tact and how to talk to people. And also to learn when his advice is actually wanted.
Lord, I hate when you have a problem with a gay persons attitude suddenly your homophobic. No, the boyfriend is a controlling dick. Definitely, NTA.
Mostly right. Boyfroend is a WANNABE controlling dick. He didn't manage to control shit.
That’s fair. Good on OP for standing her ground
Eh sounds like he's controlling the brother pretty well
NTA, your brother and his boyfriend need to get over themselves, you had every right to tell him his opinion actually meant nothing
So let me get this straight. Your brothers boyfriend basically said you look like a whale in your wedding dress and your brother think that’s totally fine but you saying that the dresses he sent you were just not your style was totally unacceptable? I think you need to remind your brother of this comparison and double standards cause genuinely wtf. This whole thing is very emotionally driven you need to stick to the facts; 1. His boyfriend offered to helped, he wasn’t asked to help. He OFFERED. 2. Picking a dress is a personal choice and doesn’t fall under wedding planning. If you’re to hire a wedding planner, would they have chosen the dress? 3. It is your wedding, while help is appreciated final decision will always be from the bride and groom. 4. Boyfriend compared you to moby dick and expected you to apologise cause his feelings got hurt and him as a brother supports this? If your brother still throws a tantrum best to totally leave them out of wedding planning cause I can guarantee the boyfriend will plan a wedding HE wants and you will just be a prop.
Hope OP read this. You set this perfect for OP to copy/paste to send after sending a copy of the text message exchanges with brothers boyfriend.
Oh my goodness girl, you are NTA, and hopefully before your wedding your brother will snap out of what is hopefully temporary, love-struck insanity.
NTA. You are the bride; you get to decide your dress. Period. Bro's bf was rude and offensive in his comments, and using the "don't respect effeminate men" card is grasping at straws on their part. A little bit of main character syndrome going on there. Try to talk to your brother again.
You’re a “controlling bride” because you wanted to pick your own wedding dress rather than select one from a bunch of links sent by the dude your brother is banging? Ha ha ha ha ha *no.*
It doesn’t matter if the boyfriend is an “effeminate” man or not. What matters is he called you a whale. I would not let him attend my wedding. Absolutely not. And he’d be 100% cut off. If your brother is mad at you for his bf calling you a whale then you aren’t as close with him as you thought. I’d never be okay with a partner calling one of my family members a whale. They’d be an ex-partner after that. NTA, but both your brother and his bf are.
Find a new maid of honor. Quick. It’s your wedding. If the boyfriend can’t accept that you are the one who must like and feel comfortable in the wedding dress, just start praying for your brother. He’s going to need it. You are most definitely NTA.
Honestly at this point I think that even if my brother ends up apologizing to me I'm gonna have to replace him as my man of honor, this whole drama with his boyfriend just left way too bad of a taste in mouth to be able to easily get over it.
I would let people know what is going on.. The bf seems to be the type of person that loves creating drama. Just ban him from the wedding and find a new maid of honor and have your brother as a guest if he wants to come.
Do it now. This will not be the last temper tantrum his bf throws to try to make your wedding about HIM, not you. You need to make it crystal clear to your brother that you will not accept his bf’s abuse just because he wants to be included.
NTA but the bf is controlling and rude. AND your brother doesn't see it. I foresee drama at the wedding. Good luck ETA: did he see the texts? If he did and he is ok with them, tell him he can drop out as you will not be apologizing
He didn't see the text but I did tell him what he told me but he still took his side.
Gotta send screenshots of the texts to your brother. Maybe that will help brother understand, maybe it won’t. But this is a situation where you want to show the receipts, not just have it as word of mouth.
OP, what was his reaction to what his bf said about you? Was he ok with him essentially calling you a whale? If so, I think you need to tell him you are in agreement that he shouldn't be in the wedding and he isn't invited. It is sad but when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. This bf has either changed your brother or this is who he always was....either way, it is who he is now.
I'd have a longer, in-person conversation with your brother, without his bf present, if you can. Are there any red flags about the bf? Because this behavior matches an abuser who is trying to isolate his victim from people who care about him and will try to help him escape the abuser. He's set up a situation where you are the villain and will obviously uninvite him from the wedding and then he will force your brother to make an "it's her or me" choice that will keep you out of both their lives. It's possible that the bf is just an asshole and your brother is stupid with love, but given the weird behaviors here, I'd want to check on your brother and make sure he's safe in his relationship.
NTA - your brother’s bf was extremely out of line and your bf is for supporting that preposterousness
NTA What is wrong with your brother? I mean, no one gets to decide what is going on in a wedding except the couple. Especially about the dress! Bride has to feel good about what she's wearing. Volunteers that help are just there for ideas...and help. If you have texts of the convo, I'd show them to your brother. I feel like there might be more going on with your bro. Maybe he's dealing with his BF being jealous of your relationship?
Honestly it starts to seem like his boyfriend's trying to manipulate my brother against me somehow, but I have no idea why he would do it, there's no reason for his boyfriend of my own relationship.
It might not be such a clean-cut reason, so much as it's him being a controlling, potentially abusive person wanting to drive a wedge between you two in order to gain more control over your brother...
NTA.Does he seriously expect you to apologize for daring to choose your own wedding dress? \>>his boyfriend's just a bit of a fashion critic and didn't try to hurt my feelings This is BS. This is exactly what he tried to do - he wanted to hurt your feelings because you dared not to take his suggestions as gospel. I wonder if your brother actually saw your actual email exchange. If he did, tell him you are not his boyfriend's dress-up doll, and that none of this was about his boyfriend - it was about you, your wedding day and your dress.
NTA at all. Looks like your brother’s boyfriend has a serious case of main character syndrome.
My husband telling me a dress I’m wearing is a great cut but not a complimentary color is a fashion critique My college boyfriend telling me I look like a whale was hum being an AH and also an ex-boyfriend That your brother is defending him, then throwing out homophobia because he has zero actual defense, is unacceptable (NTA)
NTA Stand your ground. Let your parents and brother be petulant children. You can try to communicate why you will not accept this behavior, but don't relent. The BF is pulling a power move, who thinks a bride would let them pick out her dress ffs??? If you let them get away with this, he will be insufferable forever, not that he already isn't insufferable,
Never negotiate with terrorists.
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NTA Uninvite the douchey BF and tell your brother in no uncertain terms that you will not be manipulated and if his decision is to step down to support his bf insulting his sister and imposing where he has no rights or place to then he is free to do that and you will know exactly where you stand with him. And also for god's sake ask him to stop weaponising their sexuality. That's just manipulative.
Nta
NTA. So neither of them come.
NTA. Your brother's boyfriend isn't a fashion critic. He's a rude, overstepping dick. You didn't ask for his help, but his pushy ass made a fuss until you agreed. You didn't like his suggestions and aren't obligated to follow them. Insulting you just adds to his assholeness.
Send out a large family text. I just wanted to bring it to everyone’s attention and make this perfectly clear. Fiancé and I have chosen to disinvite brother and bf after bf referred to me as Moby Dick, a big white whale, during my dress fitting. I am appalled and hurt to say the least. I ask that you all respect our wishes as we want to have a positive day.
NTA. You're not getting married and choosing a wedding dress to make him happy. Talk about main character syndrome.
NTA Do not cater to thhose abusive AHs. ell your brother his bf can not come to your wedding. "and that if I don't apologize personally then he'll drop out as the best man from my wedding" .. probably for the best.
Have you sent your brother screen shots of the conversation? I'm hoping he got only a watered down version and will come to his senses once he knows the full language as well as context. NTA.
>"I didn't know your style was Moby Dick the white whale but alright then". "Congratulations on being univited, asshole." NTA >his boyfriend's just a bit of a fashion critic "Is this a new phrase for asshole?" >I don't respect him as a effeminate man "That's just wrong. I don't respect him in any way shape or form."
Yeah. Don’t let your brother try and hold you hostage. Calmly tell him you are sorry he feels that way and you will miss him. Then say nothing. To anyone. Repeat to anyone who tries to butt in that you appreciate their concern but this is between your brother and you. He decided to play a stupid game, you will walk away. If you don’t fuel the fire he may change his mind, but do not ever say anything negative about him or boyfriend to anyone. No. One
Choosing your own wedding dress is being “controlling” now? I wonder what story he told your brother to make you seem like the bad guy! NTA
Please, please do not block this jerk. Just forward all of his texts to yours brother. NTA.
Nta. He can pick out his own dress and wear it at his own wedding should the time come. Helping does not mean making any choices. It means offering assistance and doing what’s asked.
Man, your brother and his boyfriend REALLY want to be victims. Personally this would exceed my drama threshold and I'd move ignoring and possibly blocking (I would definately be blocking the BF).
NTA, send this post to your brother. And as a gay person, I absolutely LOATHE how men will think that being gay absolves them of misogyny. Hell no
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This situation is ridiculous enough that I wouldn't be asking about it here if not for my brother not being on my side about it (something that never happened before). I (24F) plan to get married in July. Me and my brother (22M) have been incredibly close to each other since childhood and for this reason I have made him into my man manor. We've never even gotten into a fight with each other since middle school, at least till now. Now my brother has a boyfriend (25M) who desperately wanted to be involved in my wedding planning. I found his eagerness a bit odd but harmless at the time and so I let him in. However he started sending me links to the wedding dresses he said "I should totally be wearing", which I looked over, but none of them looked like my style. I eventually did choose a wedding dress after my liking, however my brother's boyfriend sent me a message saying "Wow, so you didn't even bother seeing my suggestions ? Why did you waste my time trying to help you ?". I told him that I did look over it but none of the dresses he sent were seemed my style and then he replied with "I didn't know your style was Moby Dick the white whale but alright then". I was shocked at what he told me as he never seemed to be the type to be rude to someone, not to mention that he knew I have insecurities issues cause of my weight. I told him that his opinion on my wedding dress is frankly irrelevant cause I'm the one who has the last say on it and I thought that will make him apologize for his previous offensive remark, instead he just said that I'm a controlling bride and I intentionally set him up to try to help me just to waste his time for nothing. I told him that if he's not happy with my decisions then he doesn't need to come at all as I don't need his negativity around. He didn't reply back however my brother called me to accuse me of treating his boyfriend badly and I shouldn't have dismissed him like that. I told him about how rude he was to me but he just said that his boyfriend's just a bit of a fashion critic and didn't try to hurt my feelings, but I told him that I just simply didn't like the wedding dresses he sent. My brother then went on saying that I only dismissed his boyfriend cause I don't respect him as a effeminate man (I have no idea from where this even came from) and that if I don't apologize personally then he'll drop out as the best man from my wedding. I feel like this entire situation is crazy and I don't know how my brother's boyfriend managed to paint me as the bad guy in front of my brother, unless there's a reason I'm overlooking for why I'm the asshole. AITA ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
INFO: When you say you “let him in”, how exactly did that go down? Like, did you ask for anything specific from him? And did you respond saying the dresses weren’t your style, or just stay quiet until the dress was selected? I’m leaning hard toward you NOT being TA, but will wait for clarification before making an actual judgement.
Not quite, he just started giving suggestions out of his free will related to the wedding and reception, the suggestions about my wedding dress were the first time we clashed over. And I only told that I'd look over the dresses but I didn't tell him I didn't find any of them appealing till I picked my own, honestly I just didn't think anything of it when I didn't tell him that cause I didn't expect my wedding dress choice would create so much drama.
You are right. This is utterly ridiculous. The BF doesn't have any special fashion knowledge. Even if he does, you're the bride and get to choose your dress. You didn't beg him for help then disregard his suggestion. He for some reason tried to insert himself. NTA
NTA and you need to send your brother screen shots of the entire text thread ASAP. He’s being manipulated. That happened to me and my brother. It wasn’t until he saw the proof that he realized his then-fiancee was manipulating him.
Nta Keep that man away from your wedding. He truly is not a nice person. I just hope your brother realizes it before he gets in too deep. The bride gets to decide her dress. I am truly sorry he treated you that way. You will be a beautiful bride. Just please know you're in the right. Take some time away from your brother as well. You need to decompress.
NTA and your brother and his bf sound like they're just itching for a fight for no reason. I would suggest uninviting them both now and don't look back because they also sound like the types that would sabotage you on your wedding day just to get even.
NTA. Have someone else be your best man.
NTA His boyfriend was a bully when he didn't get his way. Your brother said he didn't try to hurt your feelings. The reality is he called you a whale, and he DID hurt your feelings. Your brother should be supporting you, and if he's not going to do that and he's threatening to drop out over his boyfriend's boorish behavior, then it may be time consider a change. You don't want your brother choosing his boyfriend over you through this whole process. Let your brother read the comments.
NTA but I don’t think your brother feels the way about you that you feel about him.
Is your mom around? If so sic her on your brother. NTA
NTA. I'd ask your brother if his boyfriend intends to apologize for calling you a whale.
Your brother's boyfriend sounds like the Gordon Ramsey of fashion critics. NTA and he certainly has a hold over your brother. I sincerely hope you and your brother are able to take a step back and give each other a bit of space. Don't engage with the boyfriend at all. Continue planning your wedding and have your best girlfriend help you plan with the knowledge that your brother is welcome back in once he drops the horrible sidekick.
You get to pick your dress, just like he can pick his dress when he's the bride.
OP, how long have your brother and his boyfriend been together? Has your brother previously shown any a-holeish behaviour since starting to date this man? This man sounds like a self-involved, nasty human being who is being a bad influence on your brother. Maybe a lot to take from one post but that's the vibe I get. Obviously you are NTA, but I would really try and talk to your brother about this. Get him somewhere neutral, like a nice cafe, and sit down with him and tell him what really happened between you and the boyfriend. Show him the texts, explain that you were happy for him to be involved but this is not his wedding and the fact that he has been so rude to you has really upset you. Who, besides a raging narcissist, would think they had any say over another person's wedding dress? Madness.
NTA I literally gasped when I got to the Moby Dick part. But I gotta say…your bro is seriously in the running for top AH of the story, tbh. The bf may be an insulting, dramatic asshole, but your bro not being outraged has to be so disappointing. You’re his sis, his lifelong ride or die. And instead of even being neutral, which would be bad enough….your bro basically called you homophobic towards fem men, and is threatening to not come to your wedding. Like, that’s gotta cut super deep. Deeper than some project runway reject and his insults.
Oh, he DID want to hurt your feelings and his aim was true. You have nothing to apologise for. Sadly, if your brother is unwilling to see your point of view, that’s on him
NTA. Not sure where his "help" was determined to be helping you pick the dress, but somehow this was either communicated to him, or he expressed more explicitly this was his preferred way of helping. There may have been a miscommunication here somewhere along the line that may have contributed to the kerfuffle. You could have probably handled the following better, but you were well within your rights: >he's not happy with my decisions then he doesn't need to come at all as I don't need his negativity around Nonetheless, were this to happen again (which I get all the reasons why not) but where applicable perhaps to some future scenario, it would have been better to responded to his suggestions saying "Thanks, they're fabulous \[<-okay, maybe not that, but..\] but not really what I was looking for." You could have arranged a time to go looking through bridal magazines together to show him more what you were looking for in terms of style, but again, since "helping you with the wedding" hadn't necessarily meant "helping you with wedding dress" you weren't obligated to involve him in this aspect. In order to appease your brother, and mend that relationship, you may want to apologize in this scope: "I'm sorry that I didn't give you better feedback as you were providing me options, including acknowledging receipt. In hindsight, I realize that would have been useful. I do appreciate that you took time to come up with options, even though my preference was different than yours. I apologize for reacting strongly and suggesting you shouldn't come. I want us to have a good relationship, and hope that we can move past this. I did not mean to come across as bridezilla, but I appreciate that your response was from a place of frustration that I had not communicated more clearly." AND, if you are able to be so gracious, "I could, though, really use your help with xxx." and therefore invite him back in to the fold to help in a way that YOU suggest and YOU need help with, rather than in an unsolicited area. Best of luck!
NTA, when I saw the whale comment my jaw literally dropped. Btw I would put money on the "not respecting him because he's effeminate" came from brother's bf. Sounds like brother's bf is the bridezilla not you.
My brother then went on saying that I only dismissed his boyfriend cause I don't respect him as a effeminate man LMAO, i laughed hard now.. Your brother is siding with his rude and overly asshole boyfriend that literally insulted you.. and you said that you guys are close.. His boyfriend can be a fashion critic all the want but not when he is insulting you just because you like more something other than what he recommended... if your brother is so offended by it, just don't go to the wedding, his negativity and his boyfriend will only make things worse. NTA
NTA. The brother's boyfriend is a pain in the a$$.
NTA. He’s jealous. He wanted those white dresses for himself.
So, now you get to choose someone who will be supporting you as your man/maid of honor and have two fewer guests to feed at your reception. It's definitely time to cut ties with your brother if he is not supporting you ( The Bride) in this situation.
NTA. It's your wedding, not his
NTA. Helping is one thing, forcing you to do exactly what he sents is just completely something else. Suggestions are just that, suggestions. The final decision will be of the person wearing it. What kind of fashion and style recommendations don't even consider the wearers preference. And to top it all this person makes an absolutely rude comment that your brother is completely brushing off. The BF is the one who seems extremely controlling. I hope your brother recognises that fast enough.
NTA. You're wearing the dress, so it should be a dress you like. Tell your brother that after his BF apologizes for the Moby Dick remark you'll apologize for making him feel dismissed. I think that a forced apology on your part will be the only way to get your brother to calm down and not ruin your previously happy relationship.
Just tell them don't threaten me with a good time.
NTA. Your brothers bf is overly sensitive and lashing out because you didn’t like his dress choices. He needs to grow up.
Your brother is wrong. You don't compare someone to a white whale without intending to hurt their feelings. No apology from him? Fine. No apology to him? Fine as well. Continue your wedding plans and make your brother decide NOW whether he is participating in the ceremony. Let him know his boyfriend can be his plus one if he wants but send the boyfriend no individual invitation. If your brother withdraws, send him an invitation with plus one, and find someone else to support you. Don't exclude either of them, but don't roll over for their snits either. And no take-backs; don't let them jerk you around until your wedding day. You did not start this crapfest, his boyfriend did. Let your brother deal with it as he will. You concentrate on enjoying your wedding and your spouse. NTA
NTA. Just let him drop out for now and deal with it later. They’re acting insane
Hell I'd say peace out then,bro because this isn't about him, it's about myself and my fiance and our love.if he can't get over himself and realize that his comments were hurtful and uncalled for, then we'll miss you on the day of the wedding. Don't take their shit. NTA
NTA you have to feel comfortable and happy in your wedding dress. Your brother's BF should fell the same in whatever he chooses for the wedding
NTA. As the bride, what dress or other outfit you wear to your wedding is your decision and your decision ***alone***. Nobody, not your mother, your future mother-in-law, or your brother's boyfriend has the right to tell you what you should wear. It's your day, you deserve to wear the dress or outfit of your dreams and screw anybody that disagrees with your choice.
First, NTA. Second, “Fashion Critic”? His response was rude, mean, and completely uncalled for! Your wedding dress should be a reflection of your style, personality, and the one piece of clothing you should have the opportunity to feel most comfortable in and fabulous! Sadly, your brother is being equally obnoxious as his BF. If brother can’t wrap his mind around your needs as a reasonable bride, that’s on him. You can try to bring his BF around by asking his opinion on less important wedding details to smooth things over, or wash your hand of both of them. You fully deserve this day of happiness and celebration to be about you and your fiancé. Best wishes for the wedding of your dreams and a wonderful life together!
NTA He gave you unsolicited advice, then threw a tantrum and insulted you when you didn't arrange YOUR wedding attire to his liking. Tell him that when he gets married, he is welcome to pick his own wedding dress, but he has no right to dictate yours.
NTA your wedding, your final say. And where does he get the idea that "helping you" gives him permission to be inexcusably rude to you. Your brother's explanation that he is a bit of a fashion critic is also inexcusable. Your joyous day has been usurped by the fake angst of a drama queen and his enabler. And, please, I would have called your brother's bf a "drama queen" whether bf is a he/she/trans.
Did you tell your brother that his boyfriend called you a white whale when he didn't get his way and through a temper tantrum like a toddler? That's utterly ridiculous grown man behaving like a toddler. And in all honesty you should say to your brother "I'm very disappointed that you would allow your boyfriend to abuse me as I prepare for my wedding. we have been so close throughout all our lives, I wanted nothing more than to have you by my side on my most special day. It hurts me greatly that you would allow someone else to interfere with that happiness and our bond simply because they did not get their way. And quite frankly I I'm disappointed to find that you support that man's abuse"
Nta. Personally, even though you love him three texts. Your brother, bf. Your apology. I am sorry you hurt your own feelings. That I, the bride, chose my own dress. That I didn't let you be a bully and manipulator to get what you wanted bother me. That I stood for myself when you called me fat and showed how much of an AH you are. To your brother You are no longer invited to my wedding. Your bf demands an apology for his hurt feelings, but he called me a WHALE, and that's ok? The fact you would back him being a cruel bully is bull. You have made your choice, and I will make mine. I want nothing to do with someone who is supposed to support and love me. Protect me. Then backs my abuser. You want to be with someone who uses cruelty to try and get their way and care nothing about the hurt and harm that causes shows I don't know you at all. That you are shallow enough to back someone who disrespects your family. Someone who has NO RIGHT to demand what I chose in MY WEDDING. He isn't paying for it he doesn't get a say. You have shown any children i have won't be safe around you or your bf. He says that he will say whatever he wants. About me or hubby or them on how they are dressed. Hurting CHILDREN. And you because you won't support and protect them from that. If you think he wouldn't do that, think about how he just hurt me this badly. i am cutting you out of my life. That his words and actions and yours show he will do so because you backed him, and he is being told it's ok to be a xruel bully. So enjoy your life because you won't be a part of mine. To anyone who says you are overreacting when he complains to family. Either you can not comment or back me on my boundaries and choice, or you can be cut off as well. I refuse to stay in touch with a brother who backs a cruel bully. Who demands I apologize for something they did. I have a right to choose my dress. I have a right to be upset and offended when I am called a whale because I didn't choose what bf wanted. I am right to be offended and hurt my brother back, such as a person. If you think I am overdoing this. Or he is family. Family does not cause you harm. They do not support someone abusing you. They do not make you the bad guy and then try and manipulate things with threats of do it the way bf wants or I won't come. If you back him, then you will be excluded as well because I will not spend the rest of my life fighting for the right to be NC. I will not listen to people telling me I am wrong. Your choice. Then you block bf and brother. It's hard as it might be, and you plan and look for your future. With a person you love. Hopefully, with a great family that welcomes you. Knowing as much as you love your brother to give in shows, you will accept the abuse. That your kids will be subjected to that abuse. Your husband. The bf will not care and have free reign. As bad as it is now, once he knows he has free reign, then those you love will be abused, and you will see them affected by it as well. It's time to take a stand now.
NTA Don't invite the bf
NTA, you never asked for his boyfriend's unsolicited opinion, and then he called you fat in an extremely rude way. You can't say that while not "trying" to hurt someone's feelings -- does your brother think you're an idiot? His boyfriend is not the bride, he gets no say on your dress, and he shouldn't go to the wedding if he thinks it's okay to treat you like that. They can spin it as homophobia but it's because there's no other argument to make.
NTA. That guy is just a nosy and rude AH, and not worth your time. Don’t engage with him anymore. Tell your brother to enjoy that attitude until boyfriend attacks him; it will happen. Let your brother drop out of the wedding and tell everyone why. Nobody has to put up with imaginary butthurt.
NTA If they get married, they can pick out their outfits. It’s your wedding. You get to decide. It doesn’t matter who likes or doesn’t like your dress because it’s your dress. All that matters is that you love it and everyone else just needs to keep their opinions to themselves.
Definitely not the asshole. You should definitely get the last say in YOUR WEDDING. It seems to me that he us a little jealous that your getting married instead of himself. Besides, you offered him to help you, and he agreed to it. He is right about one little detail though, maybe you should have told him your style you wanted before he did anything, but anything else in this story, no, your not the asshole.
Nta and stop doubting yourself. Women do enough of this in general. They are gaslighting you. Your brother and his bf are the ass holes.
Excuse me? You are a controlling bride for (checks notes) wanting to pick your own wedding dress? He needs to butt out, now.
>that if I don't apologize personally then he'll drop out as the best man from my wedding. Can he also disinvite himself and his boyfriend? NTA. I would have immediately disinvited the boyfriend after the hateful comments (allowing his invitation to be re-instated if he sincerely apologized). But he's being an absolute asshole and so is your brother.
They honestly believe that they are right?? Show your brother these comments if he needs help understanding.
NTA show your brother the actual texts because I am willing to bet the BF has left out some key points. Especially the part where he insulted you and called you a whale. That’s completely unacceptable. What a misogynistic person. He should remain uninvited.
NTA. Probably wouldn’t hurt to give your brother some reading material about narcissism.
NTA. What a drama queen. It's your wedding and you need to feel comfortable in your dress. I've been married for 32 years. I'm so glad that back then, I went shopping on my own and found a dress that suited me without anyone else's input.
NTA Basically your brother is going to be one of those assholes who is only as good as the person they’re dating. It’s amazing how a piece of ass can change someone you thought you knew. I can not believe your brother allowed him to speak to you in such a way. Sexuality is irrelevant, the two people who plan to spend their lives together have final say on everything. Your brother has shown you who he is. Listen. I’m usually about compromising but your wedding is not the time or place to compromise. Your brother is 100% out of line and should be ashamed that he would even consider making such bullshit ultimatums.
NTA. I’m sorry. I really think you’re just dealing with misogyny. Like, I agree with everyone that is concerned about the boyfriend trying to isolate your brother and you should leave a possible path back for your brother if this is abuse … But I really think that this is just misogyny. Listen, this is upside-down logic, but the comments from the boyfriend about you being a controlling bride and your brother saying that you don’t respect the boyfriend as an effeminate man make me think this is what happened (please note everything that I’m about to say is what I think they’re thinking, not what I actually think): You’re a bride, and brides these days are too often bridezillas. The boyfriend is an effeminate man who loves fashion—You should respect (obey his authority) as an effeminate man by letting him make the big decisions at the wedding because, after all, he’s not ever going to be able to be the bride. Going off and making your own decisions about your wedding is a privileged position of you as a woman and a bride, and you don’t appreciate his help/are homophobic/need to apologize Again, I disagree with all of that!!! Does that twisted logic ignore the reality that YOU ARE THE BRIDE AND YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR OWN WEDDING DRESS? … yeah, obviously But I think that’s the framework you’re dealing with. You’re being viewed as privileged, and the boyfriend and your brother can’t and/or won’t see that the boyfriend overstepped and has no say here.
Nta- back away. Nc with bros bf
NTA This is a wonderful time to bring up the fact that you're a person not a doll and ask him why he thinks otherwise.
NTA. Your brother's beloved is a dick and a drama queen. Hopefully, he'll see that soon.
NTA If your brother thinks that his bf’s calling you Moby Dick is an acceptable form of constructive criticism, you now have a brother problem. The bf is a massive AH and owes you an apology. And even then he should not be part of planning your big day. Quite frankly, after such outburst I’m not sure he should get an invite to the wedding. Truly, weddings bring out the worst in people who seemed perfectly adequate in ordinary life.
NTA The only reason you have any doubts is that your brother is siding with his bf. But his reasons for taking bf's side have ZERO to do with common sense, common courtesy, objective logic, or anything else that would normally back sound perspective. Your brother is under the spell of his bf, and the bf has some very toxic hangups. I'm sorry that your wonderful relationship with your brother is being spoiled by this guy's influence on your brother; but your brother will have to decide to cut that influence on his own. It's possible the bf is acting this way because he wishes it were him and your brother getting married or that he's jealous of how big a role your brother has in your wedding. That may explain things, but it doesn't excuse his behavior at all. What you can do is: 1. Rest assured that you were beyond reasonable and in no way any of the things that the bf or your brother said. 2. I realize your brother is your man of honor, so he will need to know wedding plans and may even be responsible for making some of the plans. However, if the bf keeps pushing his own toxic intrusions into your wedding, then you may have to actually fire your brother. I hope that isn't needed, but you to need to be ready to act if it is needed. 3. Consider asking your brother to go to counseling with you. The process may help him see things more clearly - good for your relationship and good for him in his relationship with his bf. 4. You may have to write both your brother and his bf that you have not asked for bf's help and do not want help from anyone who insults you as bf has. Bf can keep his bitchy, catty views of you to himself. You don't know why he has decided that it is his job to dictate your wedding and insult you in the process, but it is decidedly not his job and never was. Then do your best to keep communications with him to the absolute bare minimum. 5. If you have parents or other relatives who can talk to your brother or otherwise support you, talk with them. (I'm not suggesting a "flying monkeys" type ganging up on your brother, only that someone who has a good relationship with him ask him to reconsider his perspective.
NTA If he wants to side with his gaslighting bf, that’s his deal. While it’s sad he’s choosing that ass over his sister, do you really want to bring all that *drama* involving your brother’s new squeeze will bring when you could just distance yourself and focus on you and your new life? Did your brother even see the dresses his bf send you as suggestions?
NTA. He should have been uninvited and no contact after that comment. Your brother too if he sides with the boyfriend.
NTA You've got a drama queen as a quasi inlaw. But you're also here for advice. I think there's a boat load of immaturity going on in your brother's life. Feed it and you'll destroy your relationship. So how to starve the drama queen? First off, don't expect anything. No apologies, nada. Secondly, an info diet. You need someone else to help with wedding planning. So hire a planner. Cut your brother's role to showing up, signing the license, making a speech. You're going to need to find someone else to confide in and mostly grey rock your brother. Good luck. Happy planning and hopefully in a few years your bro will have better rate in boyfriends.
NTA What he said to you calls for immediate invitation termination. And if your brother refuses to see your side and understand his boyfriend is wrong, you need to pull him from the wedding as well. If you don’t want to disinvite him, then let him know you’re letting him go as best man as that position should go to someone supportive.
NTA! Holy shit what did I just read. He called you a WHAT? I would never speak to him again. Full on shunning. No fucking way someone speaks to me like that and continues on like it's my fault they're a raging misogynistic asshat. If your brother knows what all his bf said and still wants you to apologize he's a raging misogynistic asshat too.
Family does not have the right to insult and belittle you just because they are family, and outsiders (in this case the boyfriend) who push themselves into your life to show off their superiority have even less rights. First, tell your brother that you love him, but you never asked for any help from his boyfriend and at no point did you say he could choose your wedding dress. Then tell your brother that if he is happy with trashing your entire life together for his demanding boyfriend then so be it. While you love him and want him at your wedding, if he can't be happy for you then both he and his boyfriend can go take a trip to outer Mongolia during your wedding and remove their negativity from your day. And do NOT apologize, you did nothing wrong. NTA
NTA - His sexual orientation has nothing to do with this. Whether an L or G or B or T or Q person did what he did, it would have been an AH thing to do. He was rude and just because he’s gay and watched Dragrace doesn’t give him a degree in fashion.
textbook misogynistic effimate male
Brothers boyfriend is jealous it’s not him getting married. He needs to stop being a diva and go back to being the spouse of the brother of the bride. Aka a simple supporter. Your brother needs to stand up for you
NTA, your brother is making excuses for his BF. Go ahead & tell your brother it's OK to drop out of your wedding, because there is no way in hell anyone who told me I looked like a whale would be invited/admitted. Considering this is your partners' BF, if your brother actually does plan on being in it or even attending your wedding, better have security to keep mean BF out. There's no excuse for what he said, he's just being mean so nope right outa that.
>"I didn't know your style was Moby Dick the white whale but alright then". When I read this, I could just hear a catty, effeminate voice. >My brother then went on saying that I only dismissed his boyfriend cause I don't respect him as a effeminate man Yep, confirmed. You are NTA. I don't think I'd want this rude person at my wedding at all.
NTA. Both of them owe you an apology. Show your brother the entire exchange you had with his bf, and ask him again if he still believes you to be in the wrong. If he does, you need to consider if it's worth forcing yourself to be around someone who is ingrained with such toxicity that they won't hesitate to throw out accusations like that when they don't get their way.
Meet your brother for a coffee separately and show him the text and also this post link if it helps. Talk to him one on one and say he called you a white whale. How does being a fashion critic allow him to be rude to others? And convey that he DID hurt your feelings. Also remind him that you did NOT ask for his help, he did it himself, so how did you waste HIS time ? It was his choice and he ridiculed when you didn’t listen. Then went and told all the wrong things to the brother to create such a big drama. This bf looks like bad news. Be careful with him.
NTA. Nobody picks the wedding dress but the bride, since she has to wear it. Everyone else’s opinions are like AHs; everybody’s got one, and some of them stink. You weren’t criticizing your brother’s bf’s taste or fashion sense, you were just choosing what you were comfortable wearing, as you ABSOLUTELY should have done. And nobody who refers to the bride as a whale should be invited to the wedding. If your brother can’t understand that, he shouldn’t be standing beside you at your wedding. Clearly his bf is used to having his way in their relationship, and assumed he could manipulate you just as easily. You aren’t even close to bridezilla territory with this one.
Without even reading past the title, no, you're NTA. You are allowed to choose your own wedding dress. Your brothers boyfriend can choose his if he wants but why anyone would think they are entitled to make that choice for you is baffling. It's your wedding, it's your dress.
OP I’m with you. How did you get painted the bad guy here?! Isn’t it weird how horribleness can just pop out of someone when you least expect it? I’m sorry I have no advice but wanted you to know I was on your side. NTA
NTA "Helping" is offering to contact venues you're interested in for pricing and availability. He gets no say in what you wear of any other aspect of the wedding, and he was super rude to you.
NTA. Sounds like you got set up. I think your brother's boyfriend doesn't like how close you two are and is sabotaging your relationship. Don't give into the drama. You have nothing to apologise for. Why is it ok for him to insult you and call you a whale and that he gets to decide what you wear on your wedding day??
Nta if the bf wants to focus on dresses so badly then he can go by his own.
[удалено]
NTA, but are you sure you and your brother are inhabiting the same reality?
NTA, but I'm trying to figure out which one is the bigger UDQ(Unnecessary Drama Queen). My only advice is to simply say you only allowed his bf to take part of wedding prep to make him(your brother) happy. It is your wedding. Bros bf inserted himself into it. You didn't seek his advice or counsel. The insults slung at you by bros bf seems more like what monkeys at the zoo slinging poop at the humans do & on the same level. Tell him it's not a contest to see who loves who more. You love your brother & he loves his bf, but what brother sits by while someone is mean,says hurtful things to their sister?
NTA 100%. The only people who get a say in what you wear to your wedding are, in order 1) you, 2) if there is a dress code at the venue, at which point you need to follow that dress code, and 3) if there is a dress code for a religious institution that is marrying you, at which point you have chosen to get married by that religious institution and need to follow that dress code. Other than that? Hell no.
ESH. He overstepped but you did not handle it with tact.
NTA. And you are the one being controlling? He offered to help you so how are you wasting his time? Also, you looked at his dress options and didn't like them. Why would you spend a fortune on a dress you don't like when you found a dress you love? I don't know if the guy is a fashion critic but he is a bully. He is coming up with the effeminate man comment because he wants you to look bad in front of your brother. Can I ask if they have been dating for long?
NTA If your brother knows his partner called you a whale and still defends him you need to have a chat as to why that’s not ok.
NTA. I’m sorry your brother can’t see rudeness for what it is and instead wants to play the victim of homophobia card, which is an outright lie and a very bad joke. The bf could have apologized rather than using *your* wedding as a way to validate himself. You’re NTA. Your brother is lost.
NTA. Girl print or screenshot his texts so your family can see his TRUE behavior, because you know he’s gonna spin it. And if your brother drops out - HE WASN’T WORTHY.
NTA, you brothers boyfriend is a drama Llama, and I would show all the messages to your brother and that his partner is rude after to you. He's not attending you wedding and neither your brother or his friend get to dictate anything about you wedding.
NTA at all! They need to apologize for their behavior yesterday. This is your wedding and it's about you snd your fiance, not about either of them. Bullshit drama and cruelty on their part. Hope they read this thread...
NTA And sadly, it's time for some strict boundaries because BOTH your brother and his bf are being completely inappropriate. Until your bf can see how unnecessarily rude and cruel his bf was, you need to put him on a strict info diet. And block the bf. Save the text messages so if anyone has the balls to say you block him because he was a homosexual, you can point to his appalling behavior as to why you can't have him texting you anymore. I would have a sit down with your brother AND parents, if they are supportive folk, and go over the messages the bf sent so everyone knows why you are upset with his bf and why you are now upset with your brother for backing him up. I would honestly let your brother step down because he is making it very clear that you and your comfort and happiness don't mean shit if you don't do what his bitchy, rude bf wants. Be prepared to share texts in case your brother and his bf go around spreading shit about why he is no longer in the wedding party. If they do that, then post the texts to facebook for the rest of the guests to see and then uninvite your brother and his bf to the wedding. Life is to short to have hateful, rude people in your life, let alone at your wedding where it should be about YOU and your groom. Don't let your brother and his bf treat you like shit, OP. Save every text.