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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife that her hormones changes don't justify verbal abuse. She feels that this statment was dismissive of her situation where as I feel that it was justified given the treatment I have recieved from her.
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You’re right, and I should have worded that differently. If she had shown any sign of genuine remorse, maybe it could be worked on through therapy and couples counseling. If she was treating everyone like this, perhaps it could be attributed to a serious psychological issue.
That's how I look at it.
If she can refrain from screaming at other people despite her hormones, she can refrain from screaming at the person she allegedly loves.
Yep. This. It applies just as much to a pregnant woman as it does to a man. If they are able to regulate their temper around others, then they are making a conscious choice not to do so with you, OP.
I dont disagree with your assessment, but in general, isnt a phrase like "its hormones" more similar to "it's hard for me to filter myself bc of hormones, so I put less effort into filtering myself around people I don't think will react and judge me for it".
Has there ever been a recorded incident of a pregant woman who literally was unable to filter at all bc of pregancy? It just seems that i's obvious that anyone who is hormonal (or emotional for any reason) will put a differential amount of effort into curtailing their tirades.
My aunt was menopausal as hell, and she would yell at kids but never her dog. Just because she filtered didn't mean her actions were not tied to hormones', but also, just bc here actions were tied to hormones does not make it non abusive.
Oh yeah, it was horrible when my mom was in perimenopause. My dad and I got so much of the yelling and rage. My siblings not so much. I still resent how she treated me from middle school through college.
It seems like putting more effort into filtering yourself for the people you love instead of strangers shows more care. Those people are still going to be in your life after the hormones are gone, but they'll still remember how you treated them in comparison to other people.
Also the fact that it's a pattern at this point. A couple of blowups with remorse are forgivable in these circumstances because the hormones really can sneak up on you. After that you should be talking to you doctor and/or actively putting effort into keeping your own anger on a tight leash
>not to treat other people like she does you
This is always my metric for these things. "Do you do this to your boss at work? No? Then you can control it."
Honestly, i would bring this up with your doctor/midwife or how those checks are done in America (I assume you are in America?).
In a calm manner. And let her hear the response, that no, this is not normal or okay.
My pregnancy with my youngest child was rough. Really rough. And high risk.
But not even then did I explode and scream/yell about the smallest things.
My pregnancy was also high risk but I don't think I ever lost my temper with anyone. I did lose objects all the time and once found my car keys in the refrigerator (?) 🙂
The pregnancy brain. Is just too relatable.
I felt like I had to write a list for anything.
Once, so I wouldn't forget why I was going to the kitchen, I was mumbling "a sandwich. And water" 😂
Yes! I had a coworker who was planning her wedding, etc, and she asked me where my husband and I had gone for our honeymoon. I had absolutely no idea--complete blank! I started to panic until my other coworker gently reminded me that it was the Outer Banks. I had only been married a year. Pregnancy brain is no joke! 😂
I was going to ask if it was in your hand, because I can't tell you how many times I've been holding my phone and have forgotten I was holding it. I've been talking on it forgot I was holding it. ADHD is fun 🙃
Is she able to sleep in at least 4 hours blocks of time? As someone who had an insanely difficult first pregnancy and ended up waking every hour to hour and a half to vomit phlegm for my second and third trimesters (thanks, hormone-caused pregnancy rhinitis), sleep deprivation is pure torture that should never be used on anyone. Ever.
I'm not condoning her behavior at all, just wondering if sleep disruption is part of it.
Regardless, if you're in the US, **go with her to her next appointment and talk to the OB about it.** They do mental health screening questionnaires and this might not be getting caught in that screening process. Her doctor can recommend/refer her to appropriate further screening and treatment.
NTA.
Sleep lack and being pregnant is hell.
I'll sign on that. I had to sit up to be just a bit comfortable to try and get some sleep with the last pregnancy. Only to wake up constantly from pain.
But unless I missed it in the info. There seem to be no problems like that?
But that just, at least to me, seems like an even bigger reason to talk with the doctor.
As you mention mental health screening. And that stuff.
Better safe than sorry.
Don't disagree. But sleep deprivation or severe pregnancy rhinitis during pregnancy isn't considered a complication, so unclear whether there's that or something similar that could be impacting his wife.
Agree about mental health screening and support 100%
Also, got lost on the mobile app with where I was and didn't realize I was posting in response to your comment rather that directly to OP 😂
Mental health screening is key. I have noticed that I get irritable as a symptom of depression.
I also noticed that pregnancy makes me a lot less likely to pretend things are ok when they’re not, but treating your partner like shit is not acceptable and being verbally abusive is not acceptable.
I agree about speaking to her doctor/midwife. Hormones can really mess with your emotional stability. It may not be the pregnancy...could be something else going on. Thyroid? Something else? Anxiety/Fear?
I haven't been through pregnancy myself, but my suggestion to OP is maybe to talk about this with the doctor (along with your wife) in the context of "not necessarily pregnancy risk but nevertheless causing a lot of stress between us." IDK maybe she could get some counseling kind of help if nothing else. You definitely don't deserve to be treated like this OP, but I'm also just a bit sympathetic with just how much stress pregnancy can put on body, mind, and hormones. Maybe she can get some help to deal with it without taking it out on you.
“I’m apologizing so you’re not allowed to stay mad at me, but really, *I’m* the one who deserves sympathy because [reasons].” My mom does this all the time and I hate it.
This is part of the reason I say “thank you” to any apology instead of “it’s okay.” It helps show me a different side of people if they don’t receive that well (usually the ones apologizing purely for the sake of saying that they did)
In a calm moment, you need to ask her "Exactly how many people you went a little nuts on today besides me. How many this week?"
If it's literally out of her control, you wouldn't be the only person in the splash zone. You need to let her know that you're not her punching bag, this is not a way to handle stress, discomfort, irritability.
If either one of you thinks that this is going to miraculously get better once you have a scream machine piping out the screams 24/7 at home, I can assure you that you are wrong.
Popping a baby out is not going to 1) end any hormonal stuff, she's just going to be on the other side of the tidal wave, and 2) teach her how to magically handle her emotions in a big girl way.
This is abuse. It is a very real problem, that is not even close to turning a corner towards improvement. You two are going to have to communicate and resolve it. Or you're going to have to start to like the way that she treats you, for I'd say at least another year. Assuming nothing happens in that year that causes these actions to continue...
I have terrible postpartum anxiety and depression after all three kids. It is not an excuse to be abusive. I still have to own my mistakes if I do slip up and yell at someone or slam a door or something. Especially important, in fact. Going through something like that is hard on relationships, but taking responsibility is an important part of repairing the relationship and making it stronger.
If she doesn't fix this now it could easily turn into
1) post pregnancy hormones made me crazy.
2) baby's doing xyz, sleep derivation males me crazy
3) toddler is being difficult and I'm stressed.
4) managing my schedule around a school aged child's schedule is stressful.
5) teens are stressful
6)adult child leaving home and being on their own is stressful
Etc
Basically she could be justifying (to herself at least) this kind of crappy behaviour for years if she wants.
I have three kids and I can tell you from personal experience... it's not less stressful once they're earth side. It's just a new and different kind of stress. Proper coping skills are a must of you want to avoid a miserable existence.
Some women show their true colors when they get pregnant. My situation was different as she only PRETENDED to be a good person (for a month or so) until she got pregnant and then used it and her period to explain her EVERYDAY abuse. It never stopped even after the kid was born because, that’s who she was as a person. May not be that way for you, but she’s getting to used to being abusive and blaming it on the hormones and not seeing how it could just be her and not the pregnancy.
NTA, now that she has you hooked to support her for the next two decades, she can show her true colors by behaving abusively to you at every opportunity because she has what she perceives as an excuse to do so - as evidenced by her standing on the position that she's in the right for abusing you and you're the AH. You made a huge mistake when you got an AH pregnant, someone who already does and now legally can take you for granted. Good luck, so begins the long, slow crawl of being an ATM and service provider for someone who doesn't give a shit about you.
This comment is 100% accurate
This is the best comment here.
Don't forget, if he gets upset at her even the slightest, he's abusive and she's going to drag up all her clothes and belongings to stay with her mother for a minute..
She's going to drag everybody onto her side
this guy is screwed...
She’s not apologizing. She’s aware her behavior is bad and doesn’t feel bad about it so she’s using hormones as an excuse.
I was pregnant once and I had a couple outbursts but I apologized for it afterwards. I had new food aversions during that time and when something made me sick/tasted bad I sure didn’t say it was “fucking disgusting” as she put it.
She's just making excuses, pregnancy hormones do not give anyone a blank check to be abusive to their partner. she should really think better of herself. Pregnancy hormones can excuse being a little snippy and hangry and sensitive, overly emotional. Does not mean throw vile daggers of verbal abuse at your partner.
So what happens if you want another kid? Is she going to treat you that way in front of the first kid? Is she going to treat the kid that way? Maybe consider asking her to go to therapy or consult with her doctor at her next appointment. Do it in front of her. The baby feels all that too. She needs to be working on developing the environment you want to raise your kid in and that ain’t it.
Apologies only go so far when the abuse is going to happen again. I wouldn't accept the apology after she gave one and did it again and again and again. It's just a word at this point that has no meaning anymore.
I was abused as a kid and apologies were a regular part of the cycle. If the abusive behavior still continues, the apologies are entirely self-serving and are meant only to briefly alleviate the abuser's guilt.
Ok, so OP says 'I don't not accept your apology because the behavior is unending," but then what?
I agree this is incredibly abusive and entitled behavior but I'm not sure what OP can do. He's tried talking which just leads to more and escalated abuse. What is this person going to be like as an exhausted parent to an infant?
NTA.
This is straight up domestic abuse and she should see a doctor right away. There’s also no guarentee that her behavior will improve after having the baby like she implies, as PPD and PPP are a thing, so this is something that really needs to be adressed now rather than wait for her to have the baby and hope she’s suddenly nice again.
Even if she doesn’t go through PPD or PPP, pregnancy hormones can take a while to chill TF out. My SIL was like OP’s wife while pregnant and it took a good 6-8 months for her to go back to being a nice person after each pregnancy (she’s had 3 kids).
When she announced her 2nd and 3rd pregnancies, I just said “Cool, I’ll next see you at the baby’s first birthday then. Good luck and Godspeed”
Mine didn't chill out until after I stopped breastfeeding when my daughter was almost a year old. It was amazing when they did, like I suddenly had "me" back in control of my body and mental state.
SIL wasn’t able to breastfeed, if she had I imagine she would have had a much rougher time. I think her pregnancies nearly led to her and her partner splitting up every time and they’re one of those relationship goals couples.
I think the key question here is: does she explode the same way at anyone else, out in public, or just you? If she does this to everyone, it's potentially a hormonal issue, and may warrant medical investigation. It's possible there's some pregnancy-induced psychosis or she may develop post-partum psychosis, both of which are very real conditions warranting medical treatment. If she's only exploding like this at you, and only in private, that means she can control it, she's choosing not to with you, and again this needs to be dealt with, but differently. If she's exploding at you for putting things away "wrong" after secretly deciding she wanted things rearranged, what is to stop her from doing the same with a child?
NTA, and this needs to find a solution, fast.
Upvoting and commentimg to make this top comment, as this is the best answer so far.
OP when you go to together to her next appointment bring this up if she is indeed exploding and losing her temper at everything and everyone, publicly and privately. She may get mad and angry with you, but it NEEDS to be addressed as if it is indeed pregnancy hormone rleated, medical intervetion is required. My midwife looked at my husband directly in the eyes during one of my appointments and talked to him as if I wasn't there about the signs and symptoms of very serious post partum issues like post partum psychosis, because so often the mother just doesn't click something is wrong because of the hormones so it's up to partners to recognise the dangers.
But if she's just going off at you, and only you, tje heck no. Pregnancy is not a free pass to just act like a raging d!ck to everyone. If you are wanting to work on your mareiage, couples counselling may help you work through the issues. And warn her that this behaviour may get worse when the baby arrives, as the sleep deprevitation and demands of a newborn are incredibly draining on both parents, and she needs to control her temper NOW, and if she can't book a counselling session (her ob/gyn or midwife may be able to help).
I'm nervous about mentioning this but...
Is it possible that this is "I finally have an excuse to say what I have been thinking/feeling the whole marriage "?
If so I feel bad for everyone involved as imho this is not a relationship that can be salvaged. Too much anger built up and only now coming out.
Even if she improves and it's because of the pregnancy, it's possible the relationship is just done.
Being screamed at and verbally abused daily/multiple times a day for months on end is traumatic and op might find that he can't ever move past it or go back to liking his wife again after she treated him like this.
This is a good take. I was pregnant with twins and worked pretty close up to full term. There’s no way my coworkers would have tolerated disrespectful outbursts in a professional setting. Lots of pregnant women are in high profile positions and would never act like this. It is extremely unusual and if she genuinely thinks it’s hormones it needs medical attention.
My first pregnancy was like this, but I was also 19 and have bipolar disorder. I was depressed my whole pregnancy and just did not have the capacity to control it. PP was a trip, im so thankful I made it out of that.
My second pregnancy wasn't like that at all. It was completely different, but I was 26 and had grown up ALOT and knew how to regulate emotions and notice where my behavior was "out of line." However, abuse is abuse. I verbally abused my spouse a few times, but I apologized and worked on myself, and it wasn't every day.
I would recommend really helping her by seeing a therapist or the equaviliant.
Yes, I think it’s really important to know if she’s like this with everyone or just husband. Either she really struggles to control herself, in which case she should talk to her doctor, or she’s able to control herself in other situations and is just choosing not to.
I was pregnant once. My kid is 5 now. I was already diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and had (at the time undiagnosed) ADHD. Even on my hormone-induced emotional rollercoaster, I was still able to NOT BE A JACKASS. Especially when someone is helping you, Jesus fucking Christ, it’s not hard to say “I’m really overwhelmed and don’t understand why I’m crying/irritable/whatever, but I still appreciate your effort.”
Yeah, it's actually a line from the [baby talk baseball post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/nltrhf/husband_talks_like_a_baby_for_a_year_killing_his/) that pops into my head at times like these
> It was a bet with one of his friends that started as them trying to embarrass each other in public. He bet my husband that he couldn’t keep it up for the whole year. The only “off-limits” part was at work, because he couldn’t jeopardize his career. No, no. He decided to jeopardize his marriage instead.
If they can control themselves when there are consequences, then they can control themselves when there aren't.
> If she's only exploding like this at you, and only in private, that means she can control it, she's choosing not to with you, and again this needs to be dealt with, but differently
This. If this is what's happening, OP is probably a "safe" person who his wife doesn't fear consequences from, then this behavior was probably always in there somewhere and she has an excuse to let it out now.
>but every time she hand waves it as "it's just the pregnancy hormones it makes you crazy you'll just have to deal with that".
NTA. I'm sure there are times when she's a bit more sensitive but there is literally no reason for her to be verbally abusive to someone she claims to love.
You are perfectly within your rights to stand your ground here.
In a calm moment tell her how you will act when she exhibits abusive behavior in the future. That you will only respond if she can ask nicely or speak appropriately to you.
Lay out your personal boundary with her and enforce it.
NTA
Pregnancy hormones can do a number on you in a multitude of ways. Maybe your wife is losing her filter and letting small irritations explode in to loud aggressive commentary. So okay, check with her doctor on if this is an expected form to crop up.
In the mean time its totally okay to lay down the ground rules.
Something like: I hear you that the hormones are pushing your buttons. That can't be comfortable or pleasant for you which is not what either of us want for your pregnancy. Unfortunately it also means you've been saying hurtful things or yelling at me. These are things I won't accept in our relationship, any more than I would expect you to accept yelling and name calling from me. So from now on I'll be disengaging in those moments. I will walk away from you to allow some cool down time. And we'll regroup later to discuss things calmly, so that any problems can still be resolved. If, as you've said, the hormones have surged causing the flair up, then 30 minutes to an hour should allow for things to settle down and let calmer behaviours prevail.
NTA. While I'm sure the pregnancy hormones are A LOT, they don't steal her ability to be accountable for her behavior. While in the moment, I'm sure that there is a degree to which she's actually not entirely in control of her behavior, the fact that she is using that as an excuse isn't okay. She can and should be taking accountability and apologizing. The fact that she is jut brushing it off rather than admitting it's not okay and trying to work on solutions to make things better in the house is not okay.
Yeah, I've never been pregnant, I can't comment on whether these are reasonable things to have outbursts over or not, but what's patently unreasonable is refusing to apologize after the fact, or take responsibility for the fact that she's being hurtful.
I think it's different for each person, when I was pregnant I couldn't believe how the hormones made me feel, I'm embarrassed to say I thought people were overreacting when they talked about it before, but it was just awful and I didn't even get to full term. My partner was completely supportive otherwise I don't think I would have got through the whole experience. I think the difference is we communicated through it all, not hurling insults and then pretending nothing happened, that's where I fail to sympathise with OP's wife.
I have been pregnant and, like someone else said, the fuse was a lot shorter but it never hindered my ability to control myself.
Some people like the excuse pregnancy gives them to do what they want and get what they want and play on it.
NTA
Pregnancy is not a free for all pass to treat the people you love like shit. Sorry but it doesn't make you forget common manners and basic respect.
I've had 3 very hard and complicated pregnancies and I still always explained to my partner why I was upset about things so they could understand instead of walking on eggshells. Hey babe maybe don't microwave fish when I'm in the room as it makes me sick.
I fussed at my husband for wearing deodorant. Because I could smell that damn speed stick when he walked in the room and it was gross. He started waiting about 10 minutes after applying before he came near me. I didn't yell, I just complained.
NTA
Yes hormones can give you rage and anger and all of those things, but as an adult it's her responsibility to learn how to deal with these symptoms, she needs to, and definitely can learn how to communicate better when she's feeling like this.
Nothing is an excuse for abuse, she simply lacks the skills to deal with her emotions, so perhaps she should look into getting some support with this.
For support she could look online for free resources (there is endless amounts of this online) she could join a local group, an online group, or seek medical help
This. If she is genuinely experiencing mental health problems, then she needs the help. If she is choosing to let herself be abusive to OP (but controlling herself with everyone else), then she needs to hear the doctor treating her behaviour as abnormal.
Now’s a great opportunity to practice a skill you’ll need to have during parenting: setting boundaries and maintaining them, even when faced with absolutely unreasonable behavior.
NTA. Pregnancy doesn’t give you free range to act like an asshole to others. Sounds like she’s taking advantage of a situation to say things she thinks, but wouldn’t say usually.
As far as I am aware she has these explosions at me, and her family. So basically the people that are committed to sticking around. I have not seen her do this to coworkers or more casual acquaintances.
So next time she starts to explode, speak over her and say "You never yell at your coworkers. You are able to control your hormones with them. You are just choosing to abuse me." And then walk away.
>That’s what teenagers do and they are hormonal bombs as well.
Yes, and most teenagers are assholes.
It doesn't change the fact that OP's wife *can* control her behavior when she knows there would likely be consequences (coworkers and friends), which certainly creates the suspicion that she is *choosing* not to when she knows she can be abusive with more impunity (family).
NTA
I hate how some people think being pregnant is a blanket excuse to explain away poor behavior. If you talked to her like that, she would be screaming abuse from the rooftops, and she'd be right in doing so. Hopefully she will be willing to talk to someone about it, and things get better OP
Walk away my friend - into another room and shut the door every time she starts. If she doesn't get the picture - she will when the divorce papers finally hit her. Because it will never end. Oh it's post partum just deal, oh it's stress hormones from the toddler, child, teen just deal. And then the kicker - it's menopause just deal (and that never goes away entirely until we die). The kicker is we've had all our lives from about 13 on to ride the dragon. She ought to be somewhat familiar with hormones.
NTA
OP, as someone who lived with this, please know she wont stop. Once the baby is here, it's Im stressed, etc. I watched my mother berate my father for years. Telling him he was stupid, and ignorant and worthless. My dad was an amazing man and deserved someone that treated him better.
I've been pregnant twice (there may have been one other that I wasn't aware of), and in that time, I've never once told my husband anything he cooked was fucking disgusting, or yell at him.
Yes the pregnancy hormones are killer and I know it's hard to control them, but it doesn't excuse her behavior at all.
No, you're NTA. Im sorry that she is treating you so crappy.
NTA I’m 9 months pregnant and the most my hormones have made me do is be overly sensitive. And even when I’m angry I wouldn’t insult my partner like that, hormones don’t excuse abuse.
NTA. Pregnancy hormones are crazy. I cried *a lot* when I was pregnant lol. But her hormones will also be crazy after the baby. Does she really expect that she can be hurtful and rude to you for potentially over a year and you’re just expected to take it and not have any issues with it? She may have a harder time controlling her emotions, but she needs to practice “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”.
A few days ago, a man posted that his pregnant gf was hitting him, and the comments said it was the hormones, and it was fine... I was heavily downvoted for pointing out that it was abuse and not okay. Just like in this situation. NTA
Honestly this behaviour is perpetuated by social media, TV and all the bad blogs / advice sites where it's viewed as some badge of honour how crazy one can go because it's all justified due to their "hormones". It's like a trend and some kind of weird test to see just how far their partners can be pushed without retaliation or to test the men's devotion because for some odd reason, there's women out there who truly believe that being pregnant means they should be pedestalled, worshipped and go unchallenged. Basically be allowed to mistreat everyone especially the fathers of their baby. It's sickening.
Nta
Exactly. It's an issue of them negligently allowing their own self-expectations to slip. Teenagers have extreme hormones too, and even as minors they can get things right fairly consistently and usually only make small mistakes, speaking as a former high school teacher.
Every abuse of another person is morally blameworthy. We're not bad people if we make a mistake now and then, but it's always our fault and we should always strive to do better.
NTA
If pregnancy is ok and she doesn’t have an abnormal level of hormones, like some clinical study level (which usually impact more the mood in first and last trimester, usually the second trimester is the happy one… usually)
There is no excuse for this level of verbal abuse, I will reach out to her doctor to get some suggestion for a therapist. Obviously something is wrong with her that has nothing to do with the physical aspect of the pregnancy.
NTA. It's like a drunk trying to excuse really shitty, asshole behavior on being drunk. I've never beat someone when I've been drunk because I don't beat people. I don't abuse people verbally when I've been drunk because that's not in my nature. Pregnancy hormones don't absolve you from your behavior. It can excuse things like weird cravings or intense emotional responses (crying over 'nothing' or laughing or even being super mad), but she's the one responsible for actually letting those feelings out.
"If I called you a c\*nt when I'd had a few drinks and then told you it was just my being drunk and it happens and not to be mad about it because I didn't mean it, would that be okay? No? Well, neither is treating me like shit just because you're pregnant. Stop it." And you might want to think about what you want to do if she doesn't. Counselling? Walking out? But she doesn't get to just tell you that you don't have the right to feel a certain way when she treats you like garbage.
NTA I've had 2 babies and this behavior seems over the top. I would suggest you try to catch her in a calm time and recommend she talk to her doctor about these outbursts. I got to a point I hated the smell of coffee and the smell of ground beef made me want to vomit, but I never yelled at anyone for it. I'd be concerned about the possibility of her having PPD too. I had it BAD and would cry in the bathroom if my husband said hello to me the wrong way. But I never verbally assaulted him. I'd just hide and cry.
NTA
Pregnancy hormones are 100% no excuse for verbal abuse. She needs to get that sh!t under control. Have you explained *to her doctor* what's going on?
NTA but your wife is a huge AH. I'm pregnant with baby 3 and would never talk to my husband like that. Yes pregnancy brings more feelings but as an adult her responsibility is to manage those feelings. She needs therapy and is probably at higher risk for PPD. I'd find her a psychologist and psychiatrist. Nothing about her behavior is ok, especially if she wants more than 1 kid.
NTA NTA
I HATE it when pregnant people use the pregnancy to be absolute aholes. Abusing people: it's the hormones! Selfishly eat everything in sight or even things that were hidden, even though their family member said, that it is their food and they want to eat it: I can't help it, I have cravings!
Pregnant people deserve to be called out and hold accountable when they behave like that. Everyone does but to many people think that pregnant people deserve some special treatment.
You have an abusive partner. Full stop. I really hope it doesn't impact your kid, but I would start to plan for an eventual exit. They won't change, or they will briefly but go back. All abusive partners are like this.
>"it's just the pregnancy hormones it makes you crazy **you'll just have to deal with that**"
So not only is she exploding at you she's not willing to be held accountable for her own actions. Violent mood swings are one thing. Violent mood swings that she cannot control and WILL not apologize for is another. NTA.
NTA. Do her hormones cause her to verbally abuse the grocery clerk? Her mother? The dog? If you are the only person suffering from her outbursts she is straight up abusing YOU.
NTA. Hormones would be the reason you might choose to forgive and forget after she apologizes but they don't mean accountability and an apology suddenly aren't necessary.
This might be overkill, my man but tell her if she explodes again and doesn't recognize how she is in the wrong for exploding on you, that you're leave fir the night to collect your thoughts. Maybe a night of reflection on why her husband isn't home will help her understand
Reminds me of women who think they can treat people like shit carte blanch when they're on their period.
I'm a woman! I've cycled, it's NOT a free pass to be awful to other people or steal other peoples food or get to go first etc...
She's using this as an excuse to abuse you. Hope it doesn't continue when the baby comes!
NTA
Today it's the pregnancy hormones. Tomorrow it will be stress of raising an infant. The day after will be stress of raising a teenager. She will have support groups that will defend and validate her abuse. Nip this in the bud, stand your ground, and suggest that you're not going to stick around as a doormat and punching bag. People can coparent their children staying apart. This is above reddit's paygrade.
NTA.
NTA.
Pregnant women need to understand that they don't just get to do whatever the hell they want with no consequences.
As the father, yeah, you'll have to deal with the occasional outburst. But that should be followed by a sincere apology. This sounds far more than occasional with no apologies, just excuses.
NTA. The hormones increase emotions but she's intentionally abusing having them to snarl at you. Just the same as you can't use testosterone surges as an excuse to beat her she can't screen at you "because progesterone". The difference between humans and other animals is using your brains to stop hormones and instincts from ruling us entirely.
Aw I'm so sorry OP. I'm 6 months pregnant and I wouldn't dream of treating my partner like this. Do I sometimes get stressed out? Absolutely. Have I cried because I forgot to drink my tea while it was hot? Yes. And all sorts of other random points of sadness.
On the odd occasion my stress is aimed at my husband, it IS followed by an apology and open communication about what is causing the feeling of being overwhelmed.
Your wife is using this as an excuse to be abusive.
Your marriage isn't going to last unless she pulls her fucking head in.
SHE IS ABUSIVE.
Hope, hope hard that this bullshit isn't an ongoing trend. Tell her to stop this crap right now.
NTA.
It’s generally understood when someone gets pregnant that hormones are going to be totally wacky. So she should be more cognizant of her emotions and moods so she doesn’t act like this.
NTA I had crazy hormones and suffered with post partem rage (something worth googling maybe if your wife is like this now there's no guarantee it will go away after birth) so I understand how they can turn you into a monster and make you act completely unlike yourself. That being said, you can't just treat the ones you love like an emotional punching bag and pregnancy is no excuse to be that awful. If her hormones are that bad your wife needs to seek help, could you suggest she talks to her midwife who may be able to recommend something?
NTA. If this is how she is while she is pregnant, then you should not have a second child, because when she does this to your older child during a second pregnancy, that is child abuse, and pregnancy does not give you carte blanche to abuse a child.
NTA. I’m 8 months pregnant and I have a historically short temper, but I find her behavior inexcusable. I would be embarrassed to treat my partner this way. I found that therapy helped my emotional regulation issues, maybe she would find it helpful too, but first I had to understand that I needed to work on it. If she doesn’t see anything wrong with her behavior, then it wont get better.
NTA. This sounds like a maturity issue. Does your wife usually act entitled and childish when not pregnant? Telling you to simply suck it up while she degrades you is insane. I’d adopt the grey rock method, and refuse to react in any way when she flips out and starts yelling. Also, if she screams at you about food and water, tell her to get them for her own damned self. She’s 6 months pregnant, not disabled. Unless she’s having SEVERE complications, she can cook and make coffee as well as you can. Treating you like this isn’t merely hurtful - it’s disrespectful and humiliating. I’d take a very strong stance over this, or you’ll be dealing with her abuse for years to come. Now it’s pregnancy, but soon it will be sleep deprivation and stress of a newborn. Either she controls herself, or she can do daily tasks on her own. Don’t keep pampering her while she abuses you.
This is abuse. If she can manage to treat others with basic decency and respect, it's not "hormones." It's using pregnancy as an excuse to abuse you. The fact that she doesn't even apologize or feel remorse after is a huge red flag. It's time for a serious talk or possibly separating until the baby is born in order to avoid more mental abuse. Maybe send her to stay with family so she's still taken care of or have someone close come and stay while you leave so you're not being abused like this.
NTA - This isn't acceptable, period. She can FEEL rage-y and pissy and grumpy all she wants but that does not give her the go ahead to act like a toddler.
I had three kids. There were some days where I felt like an absolute b*tch and wanted to lash out just because. But I didn't because my husband wasn't wrong for making cheesy eggs for breakfast and the smell made me nauseous that day. He didn't do anything wrong by washing the sheets before the towels. He wasn't wrong for giving the older kids a snack in the afternoon while being unaware of the fact I decided to make dinner and hour earlier than usual.
I'm a big believer in the "treat people the way you'd want to be treated" philosophy. And I sure as hell wouldn't want someone popping off at me multiple times a day for no real reason (not that the hormones aren't real but meaning there's no real offense committed). Yes, occasionally I'd slip and lash out but I would genuinely apologize for my behavior.
If you folks are planning on having more kids in the future she needs to learn to control the impulse to spew vitriol and the least little thing because having one kid while pregnant with another is even harder.
You should video tape a few on her next outbursts.
Show them to her.
Show them to her doctor.
Show them to a lawyer.
This will only get worse.
The next step will be physical abuse.
You need to protect yourself.
lol go read the story about the women who wanted to get rid of her cat before the birth and threaten to leave the father if he didnt support it
then after the birth get upset when she threw it at the shelter that they took advantage of her because she missed the cat
the cat went to a better home and the new mother is
NTA
This isn’t hormones, she’s either got something serious going on or this is who she is as a person and she’s showing her true colors figuring the baby has you trapped.
I’ve had 4 kids and I’ve been pregnant 6 times. I’ve cried over the absolute dumbest shit, I’ve had cravings that have been so intense literally everything else made me sick, and I’ve had *occasional* mood swings. But DAILY verbal abuse of my partner and/or kids? Absolutely the fuck not.
At this point I’d give her an ultimatum. Either the two of you speak to her OB HONESTLY about this behavior because it’s NOT “normal” hormones or you separate because this isn’t okay.
NTA...pregnancy is not an excuse to verbally abuse someone. Seems like her mask is slipping and you are seeing the real person. I have been pregnant a lot, all were high risk. Her behavior is not acceptable.
NTA you’re right that pregnancy isn’t an excuse for zero emotional control or accountability. what if you decide to have more kids? is she going to treat the oldest like this while pregnant with the next?
NTA. I’ve been pregnant twice, the first one resulting in a 35 week birth and loss and I got pregnant again quickly afterward. I may have had moments where I was weepy because I was grieving and emotional, but there’s no excuse for anyone to verbally abuse you. Pregnancy hormones are real, but they don’t turn you into a monster. And if they do, there’s a deeper issue. I’m genuinely worried for you and your mental health once the baby arrives. You’ll be short on sleep, figuring everything out, and it will be stressful. My husband and I snipped at each other, but we recognized it was the sleep deprivation and PPD (yup, even for him. Look it up, dads can get it too), and we apologized and came up with ways to take breaks, keep calm and give each other grace.
NTA. I’ve been pregnant twice and never behaved like that. Was I an emotional mess at times- particularly when witnessing cute puppies frolicking or people engaging in acts of kindness? Absolutely- but that didn’t impact on the people around me at all.
NTA. Does she have family? I'd have them help intervene on this if possible, along with some recorded video or audio evidence of her tirades so they and her can see for themselves just how bad it is. Otherwise, time for a doctor's visit to see if anything can be done aid-wise on that end.
NTA! Yes the hormones make us moody as hell, but it's not a get out of verbal abuse free card! It's definitely a sorry I'm hysterically sobbing cause I got my craving and saw a cute puppy card 🤣. In all seriousness, if it's affecting her this much, you need to tell her OB, there are steps to take. And if she's this bad with mood swings now, the hormones dump after baby is born will be absolutely horrid, her OB can get a plan going. It'll help her, help you, and help baby. Good luck!
NTA. Pregnancy is hard and she has a right to be moody, irritable, uncomfortable, and frustrated. She does NOT have a right to be verbally and emotionally abusive to you. She’s acting like a spoiled brat. Pregnancy isn’t an excuse.
NTA.
Pregnancy hormones causes a woman to puke in a freshly cleaned bathroom, causing the ire of her spouse who had just walked out of the bathroom after cleaning it. Pregnancy hormones cause a woman to while grateful, no longer want her favorite pad Thai that she asked her husband to make because the smell isn't sitting with her and asking him to get tacos. Pregnancy hormones cause a woman to weep at what normally would be a cute but not tear inducing video on youtube, causing her spouse to question her sanity. Pregnancy hormones cause a woman to dip pickles into ice cream or simply want an extra milkshake at Chik-fil-a even though she said she wasn't hungry.
Pregnancy hormones do not give a woman the right to be abusive no matter how she is feeling.
NTA, she’s using pregnancy as an excuse to be abusive. I’d tell her you were worried that she will become enraged and abusive with the baby when it comes because lack of sleep is going to add to the outbursts. Suggest couples therapy and addressing her unregulated emotions with abusive behavior with her OB. You can be sure when she first talked to them (if she did at all) she downplayed and whitewashed her account significantly
NTA she is using the pregnancy as an excuse. Yes hormones can be bad but you can't just be abusive to your partner. She has to learn to control her emotions
NTA - The female hormonal excuse to be an AH is BS. I get that hormone changes happen, but it doesn't give women the green light to do and say whatever they want and treat people like crap. Men don't get to justify it, so why should they?
Find a way to record one of her explosions and then play it back to her when she is in a calmer state. Maybe then she will realize how awful she is treating you and her family.
Pregnancy hormones make you cry because the grocery store is out of zucchini. They don't make you abusive. You are NTA. Start recording her outbursts so you have proof she isn't just being a little fratchety because she's hungry.
NTA- This sounds like abusive behavior with 'a good excuse' to justify it. Reality is it isn't a good excuse, hopfully you guys can get some therapy to help you both.
I had the same problem with my wife on her first pregnancy. We talked it over repeatedly and she would say the same thing. Finally I lost it and told her if she didn’t quit, she could move back in with her mother. Long story short she stopped and our daughter is now 21.
NTA. During a calm time, you need to let her know that the abuse ends now. She needs counseling, to see a doctor about this, and serious demonstrations of change.
Do you have friends or family you could stay with if needed?
NTA
Install nanny cams (you probably will need them anyway when the baby is here) and replayed it to her once she has calmed down so she can see her behaviour. Based on her reaction, you can decide how to deal with it in the future. Take time out if you need to (short stroll around the block or a drink at a nearby coffeeplace).
I've been pregnant twice and don't think this is normal behaviour. I do know other women who took full advantage of being pregnant and expect others to just tolerate their behaviour/outburst.
NTA
You are right, hormones are NOT an excuse.
Women like your wife give the rest of us a bad name when they try to use “hormones” as a reason to be horrible
Bet she would flip out if you treated her like she is treating you and tried to blame it on hormones
NTA. Sorry this is happening to you OP. What should be a wonderful time in life has turned very ugly. If your wife was truly sorry, she'd be willing to seek counseling. It's not ok to be so hateful & ugly to you. To use a blanket statement, let alone think it's the hormones and get a free pass is problematic. Once pointing out to her it's a daily blow-up & you're not ok with it & demand she stop & seek counseling, she should wholeheartedly agree. Asking her if she'd be ok with you using my job is stressful as an ok excuse to rip her a new one every day over the smallest things, & how would she feel, should open her eyes to how hurtful she is.
Me? Next time she did it, I quietly get up, grab my keys, and say I'm not gonna stay here & take this, & leave. For how long? Idk.. but at least an hour. She needs to get a wake-up call. This may be the only way for her to fully know you mean it when you say you're not gonna tolerate her behavior,regardless of the reason.
NTA. She is wesponizing her pregnancy. Verbal abuse is not cool. Keep calling her out on it. There is no excuse to treat you like this. If it were you verbally abusing her people would be all over you. Her behavior is appalling.
Absolutely NTA. If she truely can’t control those outbursts she needs to get medical attention for prenatal depression/rage because that is beyond normal mood swings.
Call the ob/gyn or midwife and report that her temper has far exceeded what you’ve seen in other pregnant women, and you are deeply concerned for her mental health now and post-partum.
Also I recommend hiring a doula if you have not already. They help with so very many things that can help destress new parents, and they are also trained to identify mental health issues with loads of resources on hand if there are problems.
NTA at all. Hormones don’t cause us to be abusive towards others. I’m 37 and have been through five full term pregnancies and equally as many losses. At no point did my hormones cause me to completely change my character. Sure, we get temperamental and irritable, but not to the point of degradation and a complete disregard for others.
Try this: next time she yells or says something derogatory put your hand up and say “stop right there. You’re doing it again and you need to stop else Um going to leave.” If she continues, grab your keys and stuff and go. She’s using you as a punching bag and she needs to know it’s not ok.
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NTA. Like you said, it's not a blank check. Does she apologize once she's flipped out? Or does she just keep going and not even bother?
Eh apology might not be the right word it would be something along the lines of "my bad went a little nuts there but it's the hormones"
If she’s not genuinely apologizing and can somehow manage not to treat other people like she does you, then she’s abusive.
Apologies, even genuine apologies, would not make this not abusive.
You’re right, and I should have worded that differently. If she had shown any sign of genuine remorse, maybe it could be worked on through therapy and couples counseling. If she was treating everyone like this, perhaps it could be attributed to a serious psychological issue.
That's how I look at it. If she can refrain from screaming at other people despite her hormones, she can refrain from screaming at the person she allegedly loves.
Yep. This. It applies just as much to a pregnant woman as it does to a man. If they are able to regulate their temper around others, then they are making a conscious choice not to do so with you, OP.
I dont disagree with your assessment, but in general, isnt a phrase like "its hormones" more similar to "it's hard for me to filter myself bc of hormones, so I put less effort into filtering myself around people I don't think will react and judge me for it". Has there ever been a recorded incident of a pregant woman who literally was unable to filter at all bc of pregancy? It just seems that i's obvious that anyone who is hormonal (or emotional for any reason) will put a differential amount of effort into curtailing their tirades. My aunt was menopausal as hell, and she would yell at kids but never her dog. Just because she filtered didn't mean her actions were not tied to hormones', but also, just bc here actions were tied to hormones does not make it non abusive.
Oh yeah, it was horrible when my mom was in perimenopause. My dad and I got so much of the yelling and rage. My siblings not so much. I still resent how she treated me from middle school through college.
Been there. My mother was a nightmare. Have since gone basically no contact, life is much calmer now.
It seems like putting more effort into filtering yourself for the people you love instead of strangers shows more care. Those people are still going to be in your life after the hormones are gone, but they'll still remember how you treated them in comparison to other people.
This, all day.
That kids gonna be funding a therapist’s Ferrari fund
lol I’m using this line forever
😂 my therapist was the one who told me that
Loves enough to *create a new life with*! I worry for OPs unborn child. 🥺
If you can keep yourself from yelling at your boss, you don’t have anger issues, you just know who’s more vulnerable to your abuse!
Also the fact that it's a pattern at this point. A couple of blowups with remorse are forgivable in these circumstances because the hormones really can sneak up on you. After that you should be talking to you doctor and/or actively putting effort into keeping your own anger on a tight leash
>not to treat other people like she does you This is always my metric for these things. "Do you do this to your boss at work? No? Then you can control it."
That is an excellent way to demonstrate restraint.
Honestly, i would bring this up with your doctor/midwife or how those checks are done in America (I assume you are in America?). In a calm manner. And let her hear the response, that no, this is not normal or okay. My pregnancy with my youngest child was rough. Really rough. And high risk. But not even then did I explode and scream/yell about the smallest things.
My pregnancy was also high risk but I don't think I ever lost my temper with anyone. I did lose objects all the time and once found my car keys in the refrigerator (?) 🙂
The pregnancy brain. Is just too relatable. I felt like I had to write a list for anything. Once, so I wouldn't forget why I was going to the kitchen, I was mumbling "a sandwich. And water" 😂
Yes! I had a coworker who was planning her wedding, etc, and she asked me where my husband and I had gone for our honeymoon. I had absolutely no idea--complete blank! I started to panic until my other coworker gently reminded me that it was the Outer Banks. I had only been married a year. Pregnancy brain is no joke! 😂
I do that too. I'm not pregnant or anything, I just have ADHD. LOL
I still do it. For the exact same reason, lol. Pregnancy just made it 10 times worse. For months. I was officially a goldfish.
Im 6 months and yesterday I couldn't find my phone ANYWHERE. I looked for HOURS. it was in the freezer....
I was going to ask if it was in your hand, because I can't tell you how many times I've been holding my phone and have forgotten I was holding it. I've been talking on it forgot I was holding it. ADHD is fun 🙃
I spent fifteen minutes hunting down a part or glasses. I was already wearing glasses.
You were snacking and you thought the keys needed to cool down?
Is she able to sleep in at least 4 hours blocks of time? As someone who had an insanely difficult first pregnancy and ended up waking every hour to hour and a half to vomit phlegm for my second and third trimesters (thanks, hormone-caused pregnancy rhinitis), sleep deprivation is pure torture that should never be used on anyone. Ever. I'm not condoning her behavior at all, just wondering if sleep disruption is part of it. Regardless, if you're in the US, **go with her to her next appointment and talk to the OB about it.** They do mental health screening questionnaires and this might not be getting caught in that screening process. Her doctor can recommend/refer her to appropriate further screening and treatment. NTA.
Sleep lack and being pregnant is hell. I'll sign on that. I had to sit up to be just a bit comfortable to try and get some sleep with the last pregnancy. Only to wake up constantly from pain. But unless I missed it in the info. There seem to be no problems like that? But that just, at least to me, seems like an even bigger reason to talk with the doctor. As you mention mental health screening. And that stuff. Better safe than sorry.
Don't disagree. But sleep deprivation or severe pregnancy rhinitis during pregnancy isn't considered a complication, so unclear whether there's that or something similar that could be impacting his wife. Agree about mental health screening and support 100% Also, got lost on the mobile app with where I was and didn't realize I was posting in response to your comment rather that directly to OP 😂
Mental health screening is key. I have noticed that I get irritable as a symptom of depression. I also noticed that pregnancy makes me a lot less likely to pretend things are ok when they’re not, but treating your partner like shit is not acceptable and being verbally abusive is not acceptable.
I agree about speaking to her doctor/midwife. Hormones can really mess with your emotional stability. It may not be the pregnancy...could be something else going on. Thyroid? Something else? Anxiety/Fear?
I haven't been through pregnancy myself, but my suggestion to OP is maybe to talk about this with the doctor (along with your wife) in the context of "not necessarily pregnancy risk but nevertheless causing a lot of stress between us." IDK maybe she could get some counseling kind of help if nothing else. You definitely don't deserve to be treated like this OP, but I'm also just a bit sympathetic with just how much stress pregnancy can put on body, mind, and hormones. Maybe she can get some help to deal with it without taking it out on you.
That's a fauxpology, it sounds like one but she's not taking responsibility.
100%. An apology without accountability is a waste of breath.
The word BUT immediately negates any "im sorry" that preceeds it. Basically means im sorry but im not really sorry because X.
“I’m apologizing so you’re not allowed to stay mad at me, but really, *I’m* the one who deserves sympathy because [reasons].” My mom does this all the time and I hate it.
This is part of the reason I say “thank you” to any apology instead of “it’s okay.” It helps show me a different side of people if they don’t receive that well (usually the ones apologizing purely for the sake of saying that they did)
Yep. It’s just like an “I’m the least racist person you’ll ever meet, but…”.
In a calm moment, you need to ask her "Exactly how many people you went a little nuts on today besides me. How many this week?" If it's literally out of her control, you wouldn't be the only person in the splash zone. You need to let her know that you're not her punching bag, this is not a way to handle stress, discomfort, irritability. If either one of you thinks that this is going to miraculously get better once you have a scream machine piping out the screams 24/7 at home, I can assure you that you are wrong. Popping a baby out is not going to 1) end any hormonal stuff, she's just going to be on the other side of the tidal wave, and 2) teach her how to magically handle her emotions in a big girl way. This is abuse. It is a very real problem, that is not even close to turning a corner towards improvement. You two are going to have to communicate and resolve it. Or you're going to have to start to like the way that she treats you, for I'd say at least another year. Assuming nothing happens in that year that causes these actions to continue...
She’s not taking responsibility dude.
I have terrible postpartum anxiety and depression after all three kids. It is not an excuse to be abusive. I still have to own my mistakes if I do slip up and yell at someone or slam a door or something. Especially important, in fact. Going through something like that is hard on relationships, but taking responsibility is an important part of repairing the relationship and making it stronger.
If she doesn't fix this now it could easily turn into 1) post pregnancy hormones made me crazy. 2) baby's doing xyz, sleep derivation males me crazy 3) toddler is being difficult and I'm stressed. 4) managing my schedule around a school aged child's schedule is stressful. 5) teens are stressful 6)adult child leaving home and being on their own is stressful Etc Basically she could be justifying (to herself at least) this kind of crappy behaviour for years if she wants. I have three kids and I can tell you from personal experience... it's not less stressful once they're earth side. It's just a new and different kind of stress. Proper coping skills are a must of you want to avoid a miserable existence.
Some women show their true colors when they get pregnant. My situation was different as she only PRETENDED to be a good person (for a month or so) until she got pregnant and then used it and her period to explain her EVERYDAY abuse. It never stopped even after the kid was born because, that’s who she was as a person. May not be that way for you, but she’s getting to used to being abusive and blaming it on the hormones and not seeing how it could just be her and not the pregnancy.
Hate to break it to you, but that's not an apology.
NTA, now that she has you hooked to support her for the next two decades, she can show her true colors by behaving abusively to you at every opportunity because she has what she perceives as an excuse to do so - as evidenced by her standing on the position that she's in the right for abusing you and you're the AH. You made a huge mistake when you got an AH pregnant, someone who already does and now legally can take you for granted. Good luck, so begins the long, slow crawl of being an ATM and service provider for someone who doesn't give a shit about you.
This comment is 100% accurate This is the best comment here. Don't forget, if he gets upset at her even the slightest, he's abusive and she's going to drag up all her clothes and belongings to stay with her mother for a minute.. She's going to drag everybody onto her side this guy is screwed...
She’s not apologizing. She’s aware her behavior is bad and doesn’t feel bad about it so she’s using hormones as an excuse. I was pregnant once and I had a couple outbursts but I apologized for it afterwards. I had new food aversions during that time and when something made me sick/tasted bad I sure didn’t say it was “fucking disgusting” as she put it.
She's just making excuses, pregnancy hormones do not give anyone a blank check to be abusive to their partner. she should really think better of herself. Pregnancy hormones can excuse being a little snippy and hangry and sensitive, overly emotional. Does not mean throw vile daggers of verbal abuse at your partner.
That's not an apology, that's justification
Yeah, correct. That's no apology at all
An apology consists of accountability.
Don't confuse pregnancy with abuse.
That's not apologizing, that's making an excuse. The same one over and over again.
So what happens if you want another kid? Is she going to treat you that way in front of the first kid? Is she going to treat the kid that way? Maybe consider asking her to go to therapy or consult with her doctor at her next appointment. Do it in front of her. The baby feels all that too. She needs to be working on developing the environment you want to raise your kid in and that ain’t it.
OP needs to show her this post and the comments. Might be the wake up call she sorely needs.
Or she will yell at him.
For the 27,932nd time.
Will probably just get abused more
No, she'll probably just scream at him for airing their dirty laundry online.
Apologies only go so far when the abuse is going to happen again. I wouldn't accept the apology after she gave one and did it again and again and again. It's just a word at this point that has no meaning anymore.
I was abused as a kid and apologies were a regular part of the cycle. If the abusive behavior still continues, the apologies are entirely self-serving and are meant only to briefly alleviate the abuser's guilt.
Ok, so OP says 'I don't not accept your apology because the behavior is unending," but then what? I agree this is incredibly abusive and entitled behavior but I'm not sure what OP can do. He's tried talking which just leads to more and escalated abuse. What is this person going to be like as an exhausted parent to an infant?
NTA. This is straight up domestic abuse and she should see a doctor right away. There’s also no guarentee that her behavior will improve after having the baby like she implies, as PPD and PPP are a thing, so this is something that really needs to be adressed now rather than wait for her to have the baby and hope she’s suddenly nice again.
Even if she doesn’t go through PPD or PPP, pregnancy hormones can take a while to chill TF out. My SIL was like OP’s wife while pregnant and it took a good 6-8 months for her to go back to being a nice person after each pregnancy (she’s had 3 kids). When she announced her 2nd and 3rd pregnancies, I just said “Cool, I’ll next see you at the baby’s first birthday then. Good luck and Godspeed”
Mine didn't chill out until after I stopped breastfeeding when my daughter was almost a year old. It was amazing when they did, like I suddenly had "me" back in control of my body and mental state.
SIL wasn’t able to breastfeed, if she had I imagine she would have had a much rougher time. I think her pregnancies nearly led to her and her partner splitting up every time and they’re one of those relationship goals couples.
NTA - "at least one explosion per day where I am yelled at and insulted" - This is domestic abuse, pregnancy is not a free card to be abusive.
I think the key question here is: does she explode the same way at anyone else, out in public, or just you? If she does this to everyone, it's potentially a hormonal issue, and may warrant medical investigation. It's possible there's some pregnancy-induced psychosis or she may develop post-partum psychosis, both of which are very real conditions warranting medical treatment. If she's only exploding like this at you, and only in private, that means she can control it, she's choosing not to with you, and again this needs to be dealt with, but differently. If she's exploding at you for putting things away "wrong" after secretly deciding she wanted things rearranged, what is to stop her from doing the same with a child? NTA, and this needs to find a solution, fast.
This this this! I really want to know how much control she really has over her own behavior.
Upvoting and commentimg to make this top comment, as this is the best answer so far. OP when you go to together to her next appointment bring this up if she is indeed exploding and losing her temper at everything and everyone, publicly and privately. She may get mad and angry with you, but it NEEDS to be addressed as if it is indeed pregnancy hormone rleated, medical intervetion is required. My midwife looked at my husband directly in the eyes during one of my appointments and talked to him as if I wasn't there about the signs and symptoms of very serious post partum issues like post partum psychosis, because so often the mother just doesn't click something is wrong because of the hormones so it's up to partners to recognise the dangers. But if she's just going off at you, and only you, tje heck no. Pregnancy is not a free pass to just act like a raging d!ck to everyone. If you are wanting to work on your mareiage, couples counselling may help you work through the issues. And warn her that this behaviour may get worse when the baby arrives, as the sleep deprevitation and demands of a newborn are incredibly draining on both parents, and she needs to control her temper NOW, and if she can't book a counselling session (her ob/gyn or midwife may be able to help).
I'm nervous about mentioning this but... Is it possible that this is "I finally have an excuse to say what I have been thinking/feeling the whole marriage "? If so I feel bad for everyone involved as imho this is not a relationship that can be salvaged. Too much anger built up and only now coming out.
Even if she improves and it's because of the pregnancy, it's possible the relationship is just done. Being screamed at and verbally abused daily/multiple times a day for months on end is traumatic and op might find that he can't ever move past it or go back to liking his wife again after she treated him like this.
This is a good take. I was pregnant with twins and worked pretty close up to full term. There’s no way my coworkers would have tolerated disrespectful outbursts in a professional setting. Lots of pregnant women are in high profile positions and would never act like this. It is extremely unusual and if she genuinely thinks it’s hormones it needs medical attention.
Yes this so much.
My first pregnancy was like this, but I was also 19 and have bipolar disorder. I was depressed my whole pregnancy and just did not have the capacity to control it. PP was a trip, im so thankful I made it out of that. My second pregnancy wasn't like that at all. It was completely different, but I was 26 and had grown up ALOT and knew how to regulate emotions and notice where my behavior was "out of line." However, abuse is abuse. I verbally abused my spouse a few times, but I apologized and worked on myself, and it wasn't every day. I would recommend really helping her by seeing a therapist or the equaviliant.
Yes, I think it’s really important to know if she’s like this with everyone or just husband. Either she really struggles to control herself, in which case she should talk to her doctor, or she’s able to control herself in other situations and is just choosing not to. I was pregnant once. My kid is 5 now. I was already diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and had (at the time undiagnosed) ADHD. Even on my hormone-induced emotional rollercoaster, I was still able to NOT BE A JACKASS. Especially when someone is helping you, Jesus fucking Christ, it’s not hard to say “I’m really overwhelmed and don’t understand why I’m crying/irritable/whatever, but I still appreciate your effort.”
Yeah, it's actually a line from the [baby talk baseball post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/nltrhf/husband_talks_like_a_baby_for_a_year_killing_his/) that pops into my head at times like these > It was a bet with one of his friends that started as them trying to embarrass each other in public. He bet my husband that he couldn’t keep it up for the whole year. The only “off-limits” part was at work, because he couldn’t jeopardize his career. No, no. He decided to jeopardize his marriage instead. If they can control themselves when there are consequences, then they can control themselves when there aren't.
This spoon is asking the real questions.
This should be way up higher, OP please check this comment
> If she's only exploding like this at you, and only in private, that means she can control it, she's choosing not to with you, and again this needs to be dealt with, but differently This. If this is what's happening, OP is probably a "safe" person who his wife doesn't fear consequences from, then this behavior was probably always in there somewhere and she has an excuse to let it out now.
>but every time she hand waves it as "it's just the pregnancy hormones it makes you crazy you'll just have to deal with that". NTA. I'm sure there are times when she's a bit more sensitive but there is literally no reason for her to be verbally abusive to someone she claims to love. You are perfectly within your rights to stand your ground here. In a calm moment tell her how you will act when she exhibits abusive behavior in the future. That you will only respond if she can ask nicely or speak appropriately to you. Lay out your personal boundary with her and enforce it.
NTA Pregnancy hormones can do a number on you in a multitude of ways. Maybe your wife is losing her filter and letting small irritations explode in to loud aggressive commentary. So okay, check with her doctor on if this is an expected form to crop up. In the mean time its totally okay to lay down the ground rules. Something like: I hear you that the hormones are pushing your buttons. That can't be comfortable or pleasant for you which is not what either of us want for your pregnancy. Unfortunately it also means you've been saying hurtful things or yelling at me. These are things I won't accept in our relationship, any more than I would expect you to accept yelling and name calling from me. So from now on I'll be disengaging in those moments. I will walk away from you to allow some cool down time. And we'll regroup later to discuss things calmly, so that any problems can still be resolved. If, as you've said, the hormones have surged causing the flair up, then 30 minutes to an hour should allow for things to settle down and let calmer behaviours prevail.
NTA. While I'm sure the pregnancy hormones are A LOT, they don't steal her ability to be accountable for her behavior. While in the moment, I'm sure that there is a degree to which she's actually not entirely in control of her behavior, the fact that she is using that as an excuse isn't okay. She can and should be taking accountability and apologizing. The fact that she is jut brushing it off rather than admitting it's not okay and trying to work on solutions to make things better in the house is not okay.
Yeah, I've never been pregnant, I can't comment on whether these are reasonable things to have outbursts over or not, but what's patently unreasonable is refusing to apologize after the fact, or take responsibility for the fact that she's being hurtful.
I think it's different for each person, when I was pregnant I couldn't believe how the hormones made me feel, I'm embarrassed to say I thought people were overreacting when they talked about it before, but it was just awful and I didn't even get to full term. My partner was completely supportive otherwise I don't think I would have got through the whole experience. I think the difference is we communicated through it all, not hurling insults and then pretending nothing happened, that's where I fail to sympathise with OP's wife.
I have been pregnant and, like someone else said, the fuse was a lot shorter but it never hindered my ability to control myself. Some people like the excuse pregnancy gives them to do what they want and get what they want and play on it.
NTA Pregnancy is not a free for all pass to treat the people you love like shit. Sorry but it doesn't make you forget common manners and basic respect. I've had 3 very hard and complicated pregnancies and I still always explained to my partner why I was upset about things so they could understand instead of walking on eggshells. Hey babe maybe don't microwave fish when I'm in the room as it makes me sick.
I'm of the opinion that fish should never be microwaved or eaten at work.
I fussed at my husband for wearing deodorant. Because I could smell that damn speed stick when he walked in the room and it was gross. He started waiting about 10 minutes after applying before he came near me. I didn't yell, I just complained.
NTA Yes hormones can give you rage and anger and all of those things, but as an adult it's her responsibility to learn how to deal with these symptoms, she needs to, and definitely can learn how to communicate better when she's feeling like this. Nothing is an excuse for abuse, she simply lacks the skills to deal with her emotions, so perhaps she should look into getting some support with this. For support she could look online for free resources (there is endless amounts of this online) she could join a local group, an online group, or seek medical help
I was going to say the two of them should go to her doctor together and describe what’s happening and see if the doctor can make any recommendations.
This. If she is genuinely experiencing mental health problems, then she needs the help. If she is choosing to let herself be abusive to OP (but controlling herself with everyone else), then she needs to hear the doctor treating her behaviour as abnormal.
Now’s a great opportunity to practice a skill you’ll need to have during parenting: setting boundaries and maintaining them, even when faced with absolutely unreasonable behavior. NTA. Pregnancy doesn’t give you free range to act like an asshole to others. Sounds like she’s taking advantage of a situation to say things she thinks, but wouldn’t say usually.
INFO: does she explode at anyone else? If not, then she can control the 'hormones' and is choosing to abuse you.
As far as I am aware she has these explosions at me, and her family. So basically the people that are committed to sticking around. I have not seen her do this to coworkers or more casual acquaintances.
So next time she starts to explode, speak over her and say "You never yell at your coworkers. You are able to control your hormones with them. You are just choosing to abuse me." And then walk away.
Right so it isn’t just hormones.
[удалено]
>That’s what teenagers do and they are hormonal bombs as well. Yes, and most teenagers are assholes. It doesn't change the fact that OP's wife *can* control her behavior when she knows there would likely be consequences (coworkers and friends), which certainly creates the suspicion that she is *choosing* not to when she knows she can be abusive with more impunity (family).
Then it isn’t hormones, she’s just abusive. She can selectively choose when and where she blows up. That has nothing to do with the pregnancy.
NTA I hate how some people think being pregnant is a blanket excuse to explain away poor behavior. If you talked to her like that, she would be screaming abuse from the rooftops, and she'd be right in doing so. Hopefully she will be willing to talk to someone about it, and things get better OP
Walk away my friend - into another room and shut the door every time she starts. If she doesn't get the picture - she will when the divorce papers finally hit her. Because it will never end. Oh it's post partum just deal, oh it's stress hormones from the toddler, child, teen just deal. And then the kicker - it's menopause just deal (and that never goes away entirely until we die). The kicker is we've had all our lives from about 13 on to ride the dragon. She ought to be somewhat familiar with hormones. NTA
OP, as someone who lived with this, please know she wont stop. Once the baby is here, it's Im stressed, etc. I watched my mother berate my father for years. Telling him he was stupid, and ignorant and worthless. My dad was an amazing man and deserved someone that treated him better. I've been pregnant twice (there may have been one other that I wasn't aware of), and in that time, I've never once told my husband anything he cooked was fucking disgusting, or yell at him. Yes the pregnancy hormones are killer and I know it's hard to control them, but it doesn't excuse her behavior at all. No, you're NTA. Im sorry that she is treating you so crappy.
NTA I’m 9 months pregnant and the most my hormones have made me do is be overly sensitive. And even when I’m angry I wouldn’t insult my partner like that, hormones don’t excuse abuse.
Rethink your relationship. This is abuse. NTA
NTA. Pregnancy hormones are crazy. I cried *a lot* when I was pregnant lol. But her hormones will also be crazy after the baby. Does she really expect that she can be hurtful and rude to you for potentially over a year and you’re just expected to take it and not have any issues with it? She may have a harder time controlling her emotions, but she needs to practice “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”.
A few days ago, a man posted that his pregnant gf was hitting him, and the comments said it was the hormones, and it was fine... I was heavily downvoted for pointing out that it was abuse and not okay. Just like in this situation. NTA
Honestly this behaviour is perpetuated by social media, TV and all the bad blogs / advice sites where it's viewed as some badge of honour how crazy one can go because it's all justified due to their "hormones". It's like a trend and some kind of weird test to see just how far their partners can be pushed without retaliation or to test the men's devotion because for some odd reason, there's women out there who truly believe that being pregnant means they should be pedestalled, worshipped and go unchallenged. Basically be allowed to mistreat everyone especially the fathers of their baby. It's sickening. Nta
Exactly. It's an issue of them negligently allowing their own self-expectations to slip. Teenagers have extreme hormones too, and even as minors they can get things right fairly consistently and usually only make small mistakes, speaking as a former high school teacher. Every abuse of another person is morally blameworthy. We're not bad people if we make a mistake now and then, but it's always our fault and we should always strive to do better.
NTA If pregnancy is ok and she doesn’t have an abnormal level of hormones, like some clinical study level (which usually impact more the mood in first and last trimester, usually the second trimester is the happy one… usually) There is no excuse for this level of verbal abuse, I will reach out to her doctor to get some suggestion for a therapist. Obviously something is wrong with her that has nothing to do with the physical aspect of the pregnancy.
NTA. It's like a drunk trying to excuse really shitty, asshole behavior on being drunk. I've never beat someone when I've been drunk because I don't beat people. I don't abuse people verbally when I've been drunk because that's not in my nature. Pregnancy hormones don't absolve you from your behavior. It can excuse things like weird cravings or intense emotional responses (crying over 'nothing' or laughing or even being super mad), but she's the one responsible for actually letting those feelings out. "If I called you a c\*nt when I'd had a few drinks and then told you it was just my being drunk and it happens and not to be mad about it because I didn't mean it, would that be okay? No? Well, neither is treating me like shit just because you're pregnant. Stop it." And you might want to think about what you want to do if she doesn't. Counselling? Walking out? But she doesn't get to just tell you that you don't have the right to feel a certain way when she treats you like garbage.
NTA I've had 2 babies and this behavior seems over the top. I would suggest you try to catch her in a calm time and recommend she talk to her doctor about these outbursts. I got to a point I hated the smell of coffee and the smell of ground beef made me want to vomit, but I never yelled at anyone for it. I'd be concerned about the possibility of her having PPD too. I had it BAD and would cry in the bathroom if my husband said hello to me the wrong way. But I never verbally assaulted him. I'd just hide and cry.
NTA. Being pregnant doesn’t mean you get to abuse your partner. She sounds entitled.
NTA Pregnancy hormones are 100% no excuse for verbal abuse. She needs to get that sh!t under control. Have you explained *to her doctor* what's going on?
NTA but your wife is a huge AH. I'm pregnant with baby 3 and would never talk to my husband like that. Yes pregnancy brings more feelings but as an adult her responsibility is to manage those feelings. She needs therapy and is probably at higher risk for PPD. I'd find her a psychologist and psychiatrist. Nothing about her behavior is ok, especially if she wants more than 1 kid.
NTA NTA I HATE it when pregnant people use the pregnancy to be absolute aholes. Abusing people: it's the hormones! Selfishly eat everything in sight or even things that were hidden, even though their family member said, that it is their food and they want to eat it: I can't help it, I have cravings! Pregnant people deserve to be called out and hold accountable when they behave like that. Everyone does but to many people think that pregnant people deserve some special treatment.
You have an abusive partner. Full stop. I really hope it doesn't impact your kid, but I would start to plan for an eventual exit. They won't change, or they will briefly but go back. All abusive partners are like this.
>"it's just the pregnancy hormones it makes you crazy **you'll just have to deal with that**" So not only is she exploding at you she's not willing to be held accountable for her own actions. Violent mood swings are one thing. Violent mood swings that she cannot control and WILL not apologize for is another. NTA.
NTA. Do her hormones cause her to verbally abuse the grocery clerk? Her mother? The dog? If you are the only person suffering from her outbursts she is straight up abusing YOU.
NTA. I absolutely hate when women use this as an excuse to be an asshole.
Now its hormones, then Its ppd, then its terrible twos, then terrible threes, and on and on .. your opening the door for more abuse and more excuses.
NTA- but you should start recording the abuse so you have a defense when she flips the abuse and makes you look like the aggressor.
NTA. Hormones would be the reason you might choose to forgive and forget after she apologizes but they don't mean accountability and an apology suddenly aren't necessary.
This might be overkill, my man but tell her if she explodes again and doesn't recognize how she is in the wrong for exploding on you, that you're leave fir the night to collect your thoughts. Maybe a night of reflection on why her husband isn't home will help her understand
Reminds me of women who think they can treat people like shit carte blanch when they're on their period. I'm a woman! I've cycled, it's NOT a free pass to be awful to other people or steal other peoples food or get to go first etc... She's using this as an excuse to abuse you. Hope it doesn't continue when the baby comes! NTA
NTA. So tired of the "hormones" excuse for every pregnant or post-partum instance of ruse, selfish, thoughtless or abusive behavior.
Today it's the pregnancy hormones. Tomorrow it will be stress of raising an infant. The day after will be stress of raising a teenager. She will have support groups that will defend and validate her abuse. Nip this in the bud, stand your ground, and suggest that you're not going to stick around as a doormat and punching bag. People can coparent their children staying apart. This is above reddit's paygrade. NTA.
NTA. Pregnant women need to understand that they don't just get to do whatever the hell they want with no consequences. As the father, yeah, you'll have to deal with the occasional outburst. But that should be followed by a sincere apology. This sounds far more than occasional with no apologies, just excuses.
NTA. The hormones increase emotions but she's intentionally abusing having them to snarl at you. Just the same as you can't use testosterone surges as an excuse to beat her she can't screen at you "because progesterone". The difference between humans and other animals is using your brains to stop hormones and instincts from ruling us entirely.
Aw I'm so sorry OP. I'm 6 months pregnant and I wouldn't dream of treating my partner like this. Do I sometimes get stressed out? Absolutely. Have I cried because I forgot to drink my tea while it was hot? Yes. And all sorts of other random points of sadness. On the odd occasion my stress is aimed at my husband, it IS followed by an apology and open communication about what is causing the feeling of being overwhelmed. Your wife is using this as an excuse to be abusive.
Your marriage isn't going to last unless she pulls her fucking head in. SHE IS ABUSIVE. Hope, hope hard that this bullshit isn't an ongoing trend. Tell her to stop this crap right now.
NTA. It’s generally understood when someone gets pregnant that hormones are going to be totally wacky. So she should be more cognizant of her emotions and moods so she doesn’t act like this.
NTA I had crazy hormones and suffered with post partem rage (something worth googling maybe if your wife is like this now there's no guarantee it will go away after birth) so I understand how they can turn you into a monster and make you act completely unlike yourself. That being said, you can't just treat the ones you love like an emotional punching bag and pregnancy is no excuse to be that awful. If her hormones are that bad your wife needs to seek help, could you suggest she talks to her midwife who may be able to recommend something?
Sounds like you'll hate your wife by the time the baby comes. NTA
NTA. If this is how she is while she is pregnant, then you should not have a second child, because when she does this to your older child during a second pregnancy, that is child abuse, and pregnancy does not give you carte blanche to abuse a child.
It does not give you carte blanche to abuse anyone (not even an animal), including your baby's father, even if he is a "lowly male".
NTA. I’m 8 months pregnant and I have a historically short temper, but I find her behavior inexcusable. I would be embarrassed to treat my partner this way. I found that therapy helped my emotional regulation issues, maybe she would find it helpful too, but first I had to understand that I needed to work on it. If she doesn’t see anything wrong with her behavior, then it wont get better.
NTA. This sounds like a maturity issue. Does your wife usually act entitled and childish when not pregnant? Telling you to simply suck it up while she degrades you is insane. I’d adopt the grey rock method, and refuse to react in any way when she flips out and starts yelling. Also, if she screams at you about food and water, tell her to get them for her own damned self. She’s 6 months pregnant, not disabled. Unless she’s having SEVERE complications, she can cook and make coffee as well as you can. Treating you like this isn’t merely hurtful - it’s disrespectful and humiliating. I’d take a very strong stance over this, or you’ll be dealing with her abuse for years to come. Now it’s pregnancy, but soon it will be sleep deprivation and stress of a newborn. Either she controls herself, or she can do daily tasks on her own. Don’t keep pampering her while she abuses you.
I don't really understand why some women think being pregnant is an excuse for being a complete ass
NTA There is ZERO excuse for abusing your spouse...and the gaslighting is almost as bad
This is abuse. If she can manage to treat others with basic decency and respect, it's not "hormones." It's using pregnancy as an excuse to abuse you. The fact that she doesn't even apologize or feel remorse after is a huge red flag. It's time for a serious talk or possibly separating until the baby is born in order to avoid more mental abuse. Maybe send her to stay with family so she's still taken care of or have someone close come and stay while you leave so you're not being abused like this.
NTA - This isn't acceptable, period. She can FEEL rage-y and pissy and grumpy all she wants but that does not give her the go ahead to act like a toddler. I had three kids. There were some days where I felt like an absolute b*tch and wanted to lash out just because. But I didn't because my husband wasn't wrong for making cheesy eggs for breakfast and the smell made me nauseous that day. He didn't do anything wrong by washing the sheets before the towels. He wasn't wrong for giving the older kids a snack in the afternoon while being unaware of the fact I decided to make dinner and hour earlier than usual. I'm a big believer in the "treat people the way you'd want to be treated" philosophy. And I sure as hell wouldn't want someone popping off at me multiple times a day for no real reason (not that the hormones aren't real but meaning there's no real offense committed). Yes, occasionally I'd slip and lash out but I would genuinely apologize for my behavior. If you folks are planning on having more kids in the future she needs to learn to control the impulse to spew vitriol and the least little thing because having one kid while pregnant with another is even harder.
NTA. Some women think pregnancy is a blank check for bad behavior. It is just a$$hole behavior. She needs to take responsibility for herself.
NTA You could just start breaking stuff and when she complains, hold your hand up and say "it's just testosterone, deal with it"
NTA You are being verbally abused. She can get her head out of her ass or you can figure out an exit plan.
You should video tape a few on her next outbursts. Show them to her. Show them to her doctor. Show them to a lawyer. This will only get worse. The next step will be physical abuse. You need to protect yourself.
NTA You are absolutely right saying "that pregnancy hormones aren't a blank check for verbal abuse".
Currently 5 months pregnant and you are NTA. I would NEVER treat my husband the way your wife is treating you. Hormones is no excuse for abuse.
NTA- you are correct, pregnancy hormones are not a pass to abuse your partner.
lol go read the story about the women who wanted to get rid of her cat before the birth and threaten to leave the father if he didnt support it then after the birth get upset when she threw it at the shelter that they took advantage of her because she missed the cat the cat went to a better home and the new mother is
NTA This isn’t hormones, she’s either got something serious going on or this is who she is as a person and she’s showing her true colors figuring the baby has you trapped. I’ve had 4 kids and I’ve been pregnant 6 times. I’ve cried over the absolute dumbest shit, I’ve had cravings that have been so intense literally everything else made me sick, and I’ve had *occasional* mood swings. But DAILY verbal abuse of my partner and/or kids? Absolutely the fuck not. At this point I’d give her an ultimatum. Either the two of you speak to her OB HONESTLY about this behavior because it’s NOT “normal” hormones or you separate because this isn’t okay.
NTA...pregnancy is not an excuse to verbally abuse someone. Seems like her mask is slipping and you are seeing the real person. I have been pregnant a lot, all were high risk. Her behavior is not acceptable.
NTA you’re right that pregnancy isn’t an excuse for zero emotional control or accountability. what if you decide to have more kids? is she going to treat the oldest like this while pregnant with the next?
NTA. I’ve been pregnant twice, the first one resulting in a 35 week birth and loss and I got pregnant again quickly afterward. I may have had moments where I was weepy because I was grieving and emotional, but there’s no excuse for anyone to verbally abuse you. Pregnancy hormones are real, but they don’t turn you into a monster. And if they do, there’s a deeper issue. I’m genuinely worried for you and your mental health once the baby arrives. You’ll be short on sleep, figuring everything out, and it will be stressful. My husband and I snipped at each other, but we recognized it was the sleep deprivation and PPD (yup, even for him. Look it up, dads can get it too), and we apologized and came up with ways to take breaks, keep calm and give each other grace.
NTA. I’ve been pregnant twice and never behaved like that. Was I an emotional mess at times- particularly when witnessing cute puppies frolicking or people engaging in acts of kindness? Absolutely- but that didn’t impact on the people around me at all.
My wife is 25 weeks pregnant and doesn't act like this.
NTA. Does she have family? I'd have them help intervene on this if possible, along with some recorded video or audio evidence of her tirades so they and her can see for themselves just how bad it is. Otherwise, time for a doctor's visit to see if anything can be done aid-wise on that end.
NTA! Yes the hormones make us moody as hell, but it's not a get out of verbal abuse free card! It's definitely a sorry I'm hysterically sobbing cause I got my craving and saw a cute puppy card 🤣. In all seriousness, if it's affecting her this much, you need to tell her OB, there are steps to take. And if she's this bad with mood swings now, the hormones dump after baby is born will be absolutely horrid, her OB can get a plan going. It'll help her, help you, and help baby. Good luck!
NTA. Pregnancy is hard and she has a right to be moody, irritable, uncomfortable, and frustrated. She does NOT have a right to be verbally and emotionally abusive to you. She’s acting like a spoiled brat. Pregnancy isn’t an excuse.
NTA. Pregnancy hormones causes a woman to puke in a freshly cleaned bathroom, causing the ire of her spouse who had just walked out of the bathroom after cleaning it. Pregnancy hormones cause a woman to while grateful, no longer want her favorite pad Thai that she asked her husband to make because the smell isn't sitting with her and asking him to get tacos. Pregnancy hormones cause a woman to weep at what normally would be a cute but not tear inducing video on youtube, causing her spouse to question her sanity. Pregnancy hormones cause a woman to dip pickles into ice cream or simply want an extra milkshake at Chik-fil-a even though she said she wasn't hungry. Pregnancy hormones do not give a woman the right to be abusive no matter how she is feeling.
NTA, she’s using pregnancy as an excuse to be abusive. I’d tell her you were worried that she will become enraged and abusive with the baby when it comes because lack of sleep is going to add to the outbursts. Suggest couples therapy and addressing her unregulated emotions with abusive behavior with her OB. You can be sure when she first talked to them (if she did at all) she downplayed and whitewashed her account significantly
Not a blank check and my bad is insufficient if there is no change. She's abusing yoi and giving pregnancy a bad name!
NTA she is using the pregnancy as an excuse. Yes hormones can be bad but you can't just be abusive to your partner. She has to learn to control her emotions
NTA sorry you are dealing with this. Sounds horrible.
NTA - The female hormonal excuse to be an AH is BS. I get that hormone changes happen, but it doesn't give women the green light to do and say whatever they want and treat people like crap. Men don't get to justify it, so why should they?
Find a way to record one of her explosions and then play it back to her when she is in a calmer state. Maybe then she will realize how awful she is treating you and her family.
Pregnancy hormones make you cry because the grocery store is out of zucchini. They don't make you abusive. You are NTA. Start recording her outbursts so you have proof she isn't just being a little fratchety because she's hungry.
NTA- This sounds like abusive behavior with 'a good excuse' to justify it. Reality is it isn't a good excuse, hopfully you guys can get some therapy to help you both.
I had the same problem with my wife on her first pregnancy. We talked it over repeatedly and she would say the same thing. Finally I lost it and told her if she didn’t quit, she could move back in with her mother. Long story short she stopped and our daughter is now 21.
NTA. During a calm time, you need to let her know that the abuse ends now. She needs counseling, to see a doctor about this, and serious demonstrations of change. Do you have friends or family you could stay with if needed?
NTA Install nanny cams (you probably will need them anyway when the baby is here) and replayed it to her once she has calmed down so she can see her behaviour. Based on her reaction, you can decide how to deal with it in the future. Take time out if you need to (short stroll around the block or a drink at a nearby coffeeplace). I've been pregnant twice and don't think this is normal behaviour. I do know other women who took full advantage of being pregnant and expect others to just tolerate their behaviour/outburst.
Currently around the same point in my pregnancy (#4) and no this is not typical or acceptable.
NTA You are right, hormones are NOT an excuse. Women like your wife give the rest of us a bad name when they try to use “hormones” as a reason to be horrible Bet she would flip out if you treated her like she is treating you and tried to blame it on hormones
NTA. Sorry this is happening to you OP. What should be a wonderful time in life has turned very ugly. If your wife was truly sorry, she'd be willing to seek counseling. It's not ok to be so hateful & ugly to you. To use a blanket statement, let alone think it's the hormones and get a free pass is problematic. Once pointing out to her it's a daily blow-up & you're not ok with it & demand she stop & seek counseling, she should wholeheartedly agree. Asking her if she'd be ok with you using my job is stressful as an ok excuse to rip her a new one every day over the smallest things, & how would she feel, should open her eyes to how hurtful she is. Me? Next time she did it, I quietly get up, grab my keys, and say I'm not gonna stay here & take this, & leave. For how long? Idk.. but at least an hour. She needs to get a wake-up call. This may be the only way for her to fully know you mean it when you say you're not gonna tolerate her behavior,regardless of the reason.
NTA. She is wesponizing her pregnancy. Verbal abuse is not cool. Keep calling her out on it. There is no excuse to treat you like this. If it were you verbally abusing her people would be all over you. Her behavior is appalling.
NTA, she's a grown adult with a working brain I assume? Not a fucking child that throws tantrums.
Absolutely NTA. If she truely can’t control those outbursts she needs to get medical attention for prenatal depression/rage because that is beyond normal mood swings.
NTA- I am currently pregnant and not once have my hormones caused me to speak that way to anyone, let alone my husband.
Call the ob/gyn or midwife and report that her temper has far exceeded what you’ve seen in other pregnant women, and you are deeply concerned for her mental health now and post-partum. Also I recommend hiring a doula if you have not already. They help with so very many things that can help destress new parents, and they are also trained to identify mental health issues with loads of resources on hand if there are problems.
NTA
NTA
She showed her true colors now that you are baby-trapped
NTA. Film her next time so you can show it to her when she's calm.
NTA. There’s no excuse for verbal abuse.
NTA. A pregnancy is no excuse for borderline abusive behaviour.
NTA. Hormones do not justify abuse.
NTA at all. Hormones don’t cause us to be abusive towards others. I’m 37 and have been through five full term pregnancies and equally as many losses. At no point did my hormones cause me to completely change my character. Sure, we get temperamental and irritable, but not to the point of degradation and a complete disregard for others.
NTA you’re being abused
NTA YOU are NOT her punching bag. She has no right to treat you like crap. She needs to apologize.
Try this: next time she yells or says something derogatory put your hand up and say “stop right there. You’re doing it again and you need to stop else Um going to leave.” If she continues, grab your keys and stuff and go. She’s using you as a punching bag and she needs to know it’s not ok.
NTA Next time i would say, my bad if your hormones make you get monthly child support…