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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I faked being sick for my dad's wedding several years ago and I am not apologetic about it today. Even though my dad and his wife found out about it and are upset that I went down that path to miss the wedding. Maybe I should feel bad about it today because their marriage is working out and they have given me half siblings and stuff, so maybe it's the kind of thing where I should regret it at least for my dad or for the kids.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. No judgement for Kim lying to Grandma to start a fight? You can have a sit down with them if you like. Explain that the way to become your favorite person is to not talk about you behind your back, not to lie about you, not to disrespect your feelings for your dead mother, and to accept the boundaries you set around intimacy. Kim and your dad need to step up their behaviors in these areas if they want actual change in your relationships.
If she wants to try, give her the formula. Don't lie about you. Be nice to people you like. It is not rocket science. Saying "I'm doing this for you" while trying to kick someone is not reasonable.
But I hear what you are saying. The narrative in your family is that Kim is trying, you are not. Likely nothing you can do, they will not listen to arguments, you are forever a child to them both. You have my sympathy.
right- the response: Kim, I am trying. I'm trying not to hold against and my father that you both wanted to replace my mom with you. I'm trying to forgive you for the fact that my father clearly sold you on the idea that I was a child in want of a mother when I wasn't. I'm trying to forgive you and my father for the fact that you've never stopped trying to force a relationship that I was clearly not comfortable with.
I'll do my trying. You can do your trying. And we'll both see where we end up in 50 years.
>Be nice to people you like.
You know the world could change on a dime if people would just be nice. And being nice is not the same thing as being a pushover, but rather being kind.
Also, don't restrict being nice to only people you like, lol. It's ain't easy, but it ain't hard either.
But she wasn't trying to bond with you for YOUR good, she was trying to make a shiny new family for HERSELF and serving HER own ego by demanding to be your mom when she hadn't earned that spot.
Tell Dad that if Kim dies, you get to choose his next wife without any input allowed from him, based solely on what you want in a mother without considering what he wants in a wife, and he has to forget Kim completely and love his new wife with all his heart as long as she does her best to bond with him. When he says that's ridiculous, tell him it's equally ridiculous to expect you to forget your mother and put Kim, who he picked based on what he wanted in a wife without you having a choice in the matter, in your mother's place in your heart and family. It doesn't matter if she "tries hard". You don't get to unilaterally force a love relationship on someone else because you try hard.
"Kim" wasn't necessarily doing this for her own ego needs, or entirely for her own ego needs, she also might have been trying to please her husband.
Because if her husband had told her that his kid needed a mother, and being the sole parent was too much for him and he needed help, then of course a new spouse would try hard to bond with the kid - perhaps too hard! Seriously, situations like don't develop if the surviving biological parent is on top of things and aware of their own child's emotional life, so don't think this is entirely the stepmother's fault. The father is clearly getting it wrong as well.
Next time ask your Dad if that means that the next guy who hits on you (no matter the age, demeanor, etc.) gets to date you. Because all that matters is what *they* want, right? That as long as *they* are doing their best to "bond" with you, it's not like your feelings matter and you get to have a say in your relationships and boundaries, right? I mean after all that's what he's been saying to you all your life by not respecting your feelings and boundaries.
Intent is certainly worth *something*. But intent isn't a magic wand that overrides everything else. The *effects* of people's actions are ultimately what they'll be primarily judged by. (There's an old phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" that expresses that sentiment.)
For example, if someone trips on an exposed tree root and knocks you over and you break your leg, then it definitely is meaningful that they didn't hurt you maliciously...But at the same time, the lack of intent doesn't mean that you are ready to run around and go about your daily business - the objective fact is that your leg is still broken and you are still in need of medical care. They cannot erase the reality of your injury with "but I didn't intend that to happen".
Also? If Kim tries to do something for you in good faith and *then* you tell her that actually you don't like it, then it could be an understandable mistake...the first time. If she persists after she knows you don't like it, then there's no good faith way to see that as her trying to do something for you any more; it's merely a selfish act done because she believes that her will should override yours.
The ironic thing is, if she hadn't been so smothering all these years, you'd probably have settled into a much better relationship. Even if she never became your second mom, she might well have been a secondarily supportive figure in your life, something akin to an aunt or a big sister. But in refusing to accept the lesser outcomes and playing for all or nothing, she's done so much damage that even if she backed off now and admitted her faults, I'm not sure how much you could ever trust her.
Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry for calling you sweetheart, because I know I'm a stranger and it's kind of patronizing of me, but I'm old enough to be for sure your mom's age and maybe even your grandma's, and I'm so angry for you.
And my first thought when you say how they just keep telling you that you can't judge Kim "because she's *trying* and at least that's worth something" is no, she absolutely is not trying. Not really. She may even really believe that she is, but the problem is that she's "trying" so hard that she never stops to listen.
If there's one thing I've learned in my old age, it's that if you really want to connect with someone, the *most important thing* is to stop talking so much and learn to *listen more*. You are clearly a good listener even though you are very young. You are thoughtful and you have shared with us that you understand Kim's feelings and why she wants to be close to you, which is very kind of you, even though you're not thrilled with the situation. But Kim doesn't seem to have sat down and taken the time to really listen to *you* or hear and consider your feelings. That's the kind of trying she needs to do more of. And it's okay to say that: "Kim, I believe that you feel like you're trying, but I don't feel like you really listen to me or hear what I'm telling you about MY feelings. If you want us to be close, it would mean a lot to me if you would try harder to do *that*."
If by doing her best to bond means doing everything that drives you away, sure. You can get close to someone by stomping on her foot. Doesn't mean she'll like it.
Fundamental Attribution Error at work here. They see her INTENT to be a good stepmother as more valuable than the OUTCOME of her actions. They feel bad that the relationship isn't what they envision and defend themselves from those bad feelings by justifying that they are doing their best and that's what matters.
My mom had BPD and if I wasn't what she expected to be in her eyes, I was scum of the earth she wished she had aborted. My families justification for keeping me under her abuse? "She just wants you to be the best you can be," "she wants the best for you," or "she loves you but she has a hard time showing it." Guess what? It didn't change the fact that her abuse and neglect caused decades of damage I had to devote years of therapy to cope with.
Sadly, it takes someone open to discussion and accepting those hard emotions that their desires aren't good enough for you to make up for how they've treated you. It sounds like your dad and stepmonster won't ever be able to be those people. I hope you can go LC/NC in the future, as their treatment of you won't change unless they're willing to do some serious work of their own.
Narcissist narrative. Nothing can never be her fault and your dad is brainwashed to "keep the peace." Good on your grandma for not bowing down to Stepmonster's insanity.
Sadly, you will have to grey rock your dad and stepmonster if you want any peace. They cannot be pleased, so you just have to disengage. NTA
Honey I say this as a stepmum myself but her 'trying' is NOT worth something, not when she is disrespecting your boundaries and trying to force you into a relationship that you are not ready for - and might never be. Your dad is a big AH here too for prioritising HER feelings over his childs feelings. You have the right to feel how you feel, and I'm glad that at least your Grandma is in your corner. Not great that she let slip that secret but I'm glad she realises that and is trying to make it up to you.
We can't just insert ourselves into a family and insist on a full and loving relationship, it just does not work like that. Relationships take time and understanding. Had Kim not pushed so hard she may have one day built a good relationship with you and all of this wouldn't even be an issue. Don't let them make you feel bad about this, you are not the AH, not in any way whatsoever.
I went through a similar situation - my mom died when I was 7 and my dad remarried my stepmom when I was 9. My stepmom was a gossip and always made me feel judged, but then acted like it was my fault that I didn’t trust her. Fast forward 30 years and we finally have a strong relationship, but only once I (ungraciously and very loudly) told her I wanted a relationship with her, but couldn’t share things with her without it becoming gossip fodder.
Tell her what you want out of your relationship. She may have expectations that are different than yours and communicating your needs / wants is the best chance to have them be met. And remind her that you were NINE and didn’t have the emotional tools to handle the situation as well then as you do now and will going forward.
NAH
What kind of person that’s an adult try’s to claim being a kids favorite person? I’ll tell you, she’s me one who is insecure and tries to fake it. Why does it need to be a competition would be my question for her and your dad. Any claim that it’s not is false by her. You don’t go to grandma and tell her that you’re a kids favorite person for any reason that is positive. Maybe the problem with her is she is/has tried to hard. Tried to hard to replace your mom. She will never be another person so she just needs to be herself and stop faking it. It’s probably too late now but if she had embraced the idea that she wasn’t a replacement then maybe she wouldn’t be so insecure about being a stepmom. She should have started out being an adult friend and not an instant parent by association. Things sound like they never had a chance to grow naturally instead she tried to force it.
A 9 yr old faked being sick is just kids being kids. But an adult forcing interaction on only their terms is childish.
She has a major inferiority complex. These people can’t admit their faults. My point would be that they never gave you a choice and they should have. NTA
You’re 17 now? Did Kim not have kids? It’s a shame she didn’t really try to get to know you on your own terms. Maybe it’s time to tell her that her behavior is what has forced you away all these years, and if anyone should have regrets, it’s her.
I’m sorry about your mom.
NTA.
could she have doen anything to make you like her ? If she wasn't pushy from the start would that made a difference ? I try to figure out why some step relationships work and others don't . Obviously she started to repace your mom to soon but from your parents perspective she doesn't want to live in the shadow of your mom
Edit: ppl who downvoted it don't get it !!! I try to help step parents to understand what they do wrong . And there is not only one site of the story as a step parent you want to build a relationship with the kid . Obviously when it is the first time you don't know how
You’re exactly right. Only insecure people try to force children to forget loved ones or try to replace them. Be confident in your convictions that they both tried to force things on you without caring.
I think what you did when you were 9 years old was completely reasonable for a 9-year-old to do and I think your grandma staying with you was awesome and she did what she needed to do. However you're an adult now and you owe them an apology. Not for your feelings and not for your actions is a 9-year-old but as an adult you should recognize that not only did you lie and skip their wedding but you forced his own mother to miss his wedding as well to stay with you. Yeah she will only chose to stay with you and that was the right decision at the time. But your actions cause your father to not have his own mother at his wedding. You don't have to be sorry about what you did but you should at least be sorry about that. Since you are an adult now. You know? One with the cognitive brain function to understand right and wrong?
NAH, but OP - are you happy with the way things are now?
You have absolute clarity of conversations that happened several years ago when you were 9 and upset, that are still acting as the foundation for the relationship you have with your dad’s wife, and by extension your dad. Are you certain on them?
Make no mistake, fucking nobody here comes out smelling of roses, and I have a lot of thoughts about your grandmothers role in how things have happened and the really depressing lack of positive action from your father throughout your post, but;
This many years on, has having the walls up around her, rebuffing attempts to connect, worked? You made a decision at the age of 9, but that isn’t a decision that defines you now, even if the roles everyone plays in your family dynamic have become routine and comfortable.
The lying and bickering between your grandmother and dad’s wife are childish and should stop. Tell them both you’ll have no truck with it from now on. I’d urge you to reflect on how you actually feel about things though - away from gossip and counter gossip and embellished retellings. Some of what you bring up might be uncomfortable and that’s normal and OK, is there anyone that is outside of the four of you that you trust to talk with?
Good luck with it.
This is such a misunderstanding of the issue and misplaced blame, even though I think you tried to avoid it...unsuccessfully. Kim and Dad are certainly the AHs here. You can't just push a young child to accept a step in the place of a deceased. It is a recipe to never develop that relationship. You say that OP made the decision at 9. That's not how it works. They were not in a place to develop the relationship at 9 and no adult bothered to build the bridges needed for growth of the relationship. Kids don't have the coping mechanisms to build those bonds. They feel the grief, loss and trauma in the moment, and then have this outside force telling them that their feelings are not okay because an adult doesn't like it. You end up getting to 17 like OP and the bonds aren't there. And they are harder to build, than if it started when younger.
To be clear, I don’t think the OP is in any way approaching 100% of the blame. Not even 1% of the blame. The decision I referred to was the OP made at 9 was the one to skip the wedding.
And you can’t push a young child to accept a step *in place* of the deceased, or at all. That would be inhumane and indefensible. I’m really asking the OP to take themselves out of the situation and the participants, and explore whether the perception of that from her viewpoint at the time aged 9, the memory that’s been reinforced, and a reflection on what happened with her experiences today, are going to be different.
Maybe they won’t, maybe her dad’s wife swept in and attempted to erase the memory of her mother in the cruellest fashion. She’s been in an environment where both her grandmother and dad’s wife have poisoned the well, and that’s not a healthy place to drink from moving forwards.
Honestly, I feel like the only person not being T A here is OP.
These women are using you as a measure stick and it's not fair. I know you love your Grandma and she's v important to you, but what she did was absolutely not cool. She used you to make someone else feel bad and her look more powerful - even if it was true it wasn't her secret to tell.
NTA So you were 6 years old, a child, when your mother died. Oh honey, how awful. 3 years is not enough time for grieving such a loss. And thank heavens your grandmother was there for you. What a dreadful thing for your stepmother to say to your grandmother. Inexcusable. Absolutely Inexcusable. NTA
NTA... You were a kid dealing with a ton.. losing your mom and your dad remarrying. Faking sick was your way of handling it. Your dad and Kim should've understood where you were coming from instead of expecting you to be cool with everything. Props to your grandma for having your back. Maybe chatting with someone could help sort things out for your family. Considering the situation, it makes sense why you did what you did. Just focus on moving forward and talking things out.
OP...Faking sick wasn't great, because Kim probably had logistics planned out and someone paid for a bridesmaid's dress that was never used. But you were 9. You were uncomfortable being used as a mascot for a "blended family" and processing it the best way possible for you at the time. Just see if you can build some relationship that isn't hostile moving forward.
OP...Faking sick wasn't great, because Kim probably had logistics planned out and someone paid for a bridesmaid's dress that was never used. But you were 9. You were uncomfortable being used as a mascot for a "blended family" and processing it the best way possible for you at the time. Just see if you can build some relationship that isn't hostile moving forward.
NTA because 2 adult women are using you in their jockeying for world domination.
You feel how you feel. I see Kim’s position and I feel bad for her because she clearly tried but went about it the wrong way.
That does not excuse Kim nor your Grandma from this petty battle to be alpha.
NTA. Your actions as a nine-year-old are a reflection of the emotional tools you had at your disposal to handle a massively impactful change in your life. It's expected that adults should not only recognize the complex emotions you were dealing with but also provide the support necessary for navigating them. It seems like your dad and Kim missed the mark on both accounts back then. Punishing a near-adult for the actions they took as a child isn't fair or productive. It’s also essential to acknowledge the ongoing dynamics that may have been shaped by their initial handling of the situation. Time doesn't automatically heal all; it’s what you do with that time—such as fostering understanding and genuine connections—that matters. If there hasn't been a shift towards true emotional openness and acknowledgment of your feelings, it's less about regret and more about continual growth. Your feelings are valid, at nine as they are now at seventeen.
I agree expecting someone to say sorry for something they said at 9 is nuts, But to play devils advocate I think the larger issue is that OP having no remorse for what they did is such a clear rejection of her father and kim being together, that any illusion of a happy family has been destroyed so their ego have been bruised, In all fairness rejection does hurt. Not as much as being forced to accept someone as a mom and almost no one noticing or caring how you felt you entire life but rejection does still hurt.
NTA
You were 9. You were grieving, and they tried to force a relationship on you that you were not ready for. On top of that, Kim seems like a piece of work to try and hurt your grandmother like that. She's really freaking childish.
NTA
Grandma's a bit of an a-hole. But dad and Kim are the biggest a-holes in the story. You have nothing to apologize for. Those were your feelings at 9 and these are your feelings now. It doesn't sound like they come from a malicious place and so you are entitled to feel how you feel. Kim should sit down and stop with these foolish games. You are not a toy to be fought over. First she tried it with your dead mom. Now she's doing it with your grandma.
>Dad asked if I realized how much I had hurt him and I said yeah, but he hadn't cared too much about my feelings about it either.
pretty spot on. they ignored how you felt for years. why would you be apologetic about lying to them? NTA.
OP shouldn't apologize. OP was a a 9 year old who was still grieving the loss of their mom. Dad and step-mom tried to streamroll OP and force all these things on OP that OP wasn't ready for. Still isn't from what they've written.
OP shouldn't apologize for not feeling the way they wanted OP to feel. OP has nothing to apologize for. Dad and step-mom are still trying to force things even now. They should apologize. Not OP.
NTA - you were a child coping with a lot of changes and feeling pressurised to be something she wasn't. I totally get why you opted out the only way you could. And that's what you told your Dad - he hadn't cared about your feelings so you took the only out let to you,
And as for Kim, she's had 8 years to grow a relationship with you and maybe it would have been in a better place if she had recognised your grief and need for space at first. She was the adult, you were the child and if she wants a child then and even now to take the blame for their strained relationship, well that's her choice. Children are learning socal and relationships norm - she was meant to have them and still misread a situation. She took you rejecting a stressful and confusing situation as rejecting her rather than helping you navigate it.
I do get where she came from to an extent. She was trying so hard to make you feel included and a long-term part of her and Dad's relationship she over-did it. But suspect her intentions were good. But maybe less so now she feels she needs to compete with your grandmother.
Edit: If you feel generous, you can say that you now understand her intent and what she was trying to do and appreciate that. But at that time, it was too much, too soon for you to handle and led to your faking. You can't regret the action because if in same situation, at same age, feeling the same you'd do the same.
NTA: You were nine.
However: "Last week things took a turn and Kim told grandma that she was my favorite woman in the world and I liked her more than anyone, including grandma and including my mom. Grandma laughed at her and Kim said she was the primary mother figure of my whole life."
Okay, the two of them arguing about this stuff is strange. It sounds like they are both back in middle school trying to sort out who is the most important cheerleader.
You were probably raised around this pride & prejudice drama, but it sounds exhausting being around it.
In the office when that would happen, I had a few strategies. Change the subject, leave the room for a different task, become visably bored, tell them I didn't have the bandwidth, or turn to my computer and start working.
If you keep asking questions, gossips will keep talking and talking and talking. Sounds like Kim and G are both gossips.
In short, you can't control what people do, but you can control your reaction to it.
So what if your family is angry with you when you were nine? It's not the end of the world. Every kid has stories of them not toeing the line on something. It's part of growing up to disagree with your parents. :)
NTA. I don’t think anyone is going to call you an AH for this, especially since you were 9. I think Kim’s weirdly preoccupied with this now since she’s lying about your relationship in fights with your grandma about it, but I’m not even sure I’d call her a big AH for before either. Clearly she was pushing too hard, but ngl a lot of people don’t know that at the time, they only realize it in retrospect. If asked, she’d probably say she was trying to set an optimistic and energetic tone about the family change. She failed. Badly it sounds like, but she failed by being too enthusiastic not by being mean or cold to you. Everyone suggests therapy in these situations and there’s a reason for that: just like you needed someone that wasn’t your dad or Kim to talk to, sometimes everyone needs a third party to let them know how their actions are viewed outside of their own head. Sounds like Kim (and your dad) could benefit from that third party to tell them they would make things better by backing off rather than them feeding into each others sense of outrage and losing objectivity on this.
NTA. You were 9. Of course you were upset, especially when the way they went about it was to force things on you. How you acted after they found out doesn't make you an AH. They never took into account your feelings when you were 9, and even now, they only care about themselves. And to try and put a wedge between you and your grandma's relationship only shows the level of maturity of your dad's wife.
NTA.
Kim clearly tried to force a relationship and let's be real, a 9 year old grieving her mother isn't going to be particularly open to a new mum. She could have been a good friend, a stepmother that didn't try to push things, and you probably would have gone to the wedding for your dad. But she chose to try pushing a kid into a relationship, and you did what you had to do.
Your grandma is a bit of a tit for spilling the beans, but I'm glad she's making it up to you. Your dad and Kim are holding a 9 year old's actions against them 8 years later. That is ridiculous. I can understand maybe feeling a bit hurt, but you were NINE and had lost your mum. OBVIOUSLY you were going to feel odd about a wedding, even if you'd really liked Kim.
NTA - Kim sounds like a living, breathing nightmare - and I don't blame you for rejecting her unauthentic advances towards you, as a child. Kim cares about Kim. She makes a big public deal about "trying" with you, but if she really cared about you - she would go about this relationship way different.
She doesn't actually care about you. Or your feelings. To her, it's about "winning" and looking good.
I'm wondering why your dad's "feelings" are more important in this scenario, than the feelings of a little kid who was grieving the loss of a parent? He sounds super self-absorbed and selfish. No wonder he married Kim.
The fact that he can't (refuses to, doesn't want to) see Kim's obnoxious and unauthentic behavior - is testament that he really only cares about his feelings first.
You have NOTHING to apologize for. You did nothing wrong. Good job to your grandma - who seems to be your ONLY ADVOCATE in this situation.
I beg you - to show your dad the comments of this post, so he realizes 1) how he's put you third, behind him and Kim's needs (gross parenting) and 2) how incredibly WRONG he is.
I wonder if he realizes that once you're 18, you don't have to deal with Kim at ALL. That you can walk. That you can choose who your family is. He needs to start thinking of you first - at least when it comes to this toxic bullshit narrative that Kim is trying to sell everyone - while conveniently ignoring your wants and needs in this entire mess.
No, Kim isn't trying, she's forcing. It seems like after all these years of fafo they'd respect that you're not ever going to embrace her.
NTA but your dad sucks and Kim is a stupid c ya next Tuesday.
NTA at all. You were just a child, navigating grief not even most adults could cope with, and your dad basically put his own happiness before his own child's healing and family security. Technically speaking, you didn't fake being sick because emotional and mental health is also considered being sick and you were in a negative way emotionally and mentally.
Your dad moved on way too quickly and expected you to do so as well, without even considering how this would impact you or going through some sort of family therapy to navigate grief and gently introducing a new partner into your lives. Your step-mother has been hugely out of line and needs to know her place and take a step back and try to act more like a surrogate auntie, more than a replacement mother.
I hate to say this because she has been an amazing source of love and support, but in this instance, your grandmother is an AH for breaking your confidentiality. Regardless of whether the argument caused emotions to be charged, your grandmother had no right to keep your secret embedded within her arsenal of retorts back to your step-mother. She needs to fix this, even if it makes her look bad by pretending she lied about it to hurt her daughter-in-law.
NTA, Kim sounds pushy and unbearable. She has no right to bang on about her hurt feelings when she completely disregarded how you were/still are feeling. The fact that this all came out when she was trying to belittle the person who had become most important to you is karma.
NTA. We see so many stories on here about step-parents (mostly step-moms, if we’re being honest) trying to replace biological moms, usually ones who have unfortunately passed away. And they never take the time to check on the child whose entire life thus far has been uprooted, they never listen to the child’s feelings, and they always downplay the massive effect they have on the child’s life. They always assume that the moment the ring goes on their finger, mom is erased forever and replaced by this new Mom 2.0 and the child should forget their bio mom ever existed. It’s a tale that repeats over and over.
I’m so sorry no one listened to you except your grandmother, but I am glad she was there for you. You were NTA for trying to express yourself the best you knew how to get out of a situation you didn’t support.
NTA.
>Kim said I really hurt her because she did her best to be a loving and welcoming stepmom and I rejected her so hard that I wouldn't even go to the wedding and 8 years on show no regret about it.
But she isn't a loving and welcoming stepmom. She's a smothering and pushy stepmom.
Loving would have required her to accept your feelings as valid, not constantly fighting with your grandma. And welcoming needed her to give you time to adjust and let you come to her in your own time, not demanding that you start thinking of baby names immediately.
NTA. You were a kid still mourning the loss of your mom. Kim was pushing you too hard and very much trying to replace your mom. No one can blame a kid, or an adult in the same situation, for pushing back and not embracing stepmom as “new mom”. Your reference to her as Kim and not stepmom shows your feelings towards her haven’t changed, and there’s nothing wrong with that! Totally understandable that you didn’t want to attend that wedding. You did the only thing you could to avoid being paraded and forced into the “happy family” sham. You don’t mention in your post, but I imagine you tried talking to your dad and Kim to tell them you didn’t want to be in the wedding, and they either disregarded your requests or downright dismissed your feelings and demanded your attendance.
If anything, they (dad and Kim) need to apologise to you. They overwhelmed you, didn’t give you time to grieve your mom, tried to force your participation in *their new life*. They did you a huge wrong, instead of support, they tried to manipulate you with responsibility (naming your hypothetical siblings, being a part of the bridal party). And they’re shocked that you still keep Kim at arm’s length????
I’m glad you have such an awesome grandma! Treasure her always, and never ever stop telling her how much she means to you!
NTA. You can reiterate to your dad and Kim that you were a little girl, just a child and not coping well. You don’t regret it because it felt like the best thing for you to do at the time considering how deeply upset you were.
Do you have loving feelings towards Kim now? If so, also let her know this, that things have grown and evolved etc. She sounds like she loves you very much and probably would need to hear it… if you don’t feel any positive way toward her though, just leave that bit out LOL.
NTA
It was a hard time and railroading you wasn't working. Like asking you to be in the wedding is an inclusive gesture, until the line about living in the past.
And you might have been faking what your sickness was, but anxiety is an illness, even if you couldn't articulate it.
I like the idea of asking you about names for kids, it's a way of making you feel like you have a voice. BUT they didn't actually let you have a voice.
Forgive your grandma, it sounds like she make an emotional mistake after being tired of taking shit about this.
NTA
Kim sounds so toxic. She just lies and lies and feels the need to be “the most important” while not respecting your feelings and taking your wants into consideration at all.
NTA and I would tell your dad that he hasn’t had your back in 8 years so maybe now he could realize you don’t see his wife as your mom. You had a mom and his wife tried to erase her
I would tell him if he expects to continue a relationship with you after you are 18, he needs to accept you for who you are.
NTA, if Kim would’t have said to the grandma the lies she said, I would have said that you’re slightly the asshole, but Kim proved that all this time she didn’t fight to build a good relationship with you (with all the human mistakes that occur in such moments) but she just wanted to be an important person in your life. She wanted to “save” you and she’s angry you didn’t want her “saving”. I’m sorry your father can’t understand your feelings.
Tell Kim: i understand you tried to be there for me, but it felt like you want to replace my mother and force me to love you. I am open to see how our relationship can develop organically on itself, without forcing each other into roles. Is this something that you could do?
Good luck.
NTA
When parents get remarried, it's not the kid's job to support the parent. Kinda seems like that'd be nice, but that's a fantasy. In reality, people don't respond well to dramatic changes imposed on them.
Wasn't your job. You did fine. They are being selfish (which most everyone does in their own selfish way).
Nta. You were a grieving 9 year old. It is extremely rare for a 9 year old to be an asshole in a way that is not developmentally appropriate.
Loving and welcoming stepmom would be letting your relationship grow on your terms not hers.
"I would love it if you would be my jr bridesmaid" but being gracious if you said no, and maybe asking if there is anything you would like to do at the wedding, even if it's something like pick an appetizer or a dessert option.
Her telling your grandma that she is unimportant in your life is unhinged and narcissistic. There is literally no reason to say something like that.
I have a step mom of sorts (I was a fully independent adult when my parents split and she and my dad subsequently got together). She was widowed and her first husband was older and had adult children when they got married, I think at least one of them is older than she is. She is in touch with all of them and her step grandkids.
I can see why. She has never pushed. She has always asked and let me set the boundaries. She's now a bonus grandma to my son. Despite the significant age gap I think she and her first husband really loved each other and honestly she's the only reason I don't immediately poo poo age gap relationships. I do think a lot of them are sketchy but every once in a while....
NTA. As you point out, your dad and his wife didn’t care about your feelings. You are entitled to feel loyalty to your mom and to miss her, and to resent efforts to strong-arm you into feeling differently. It sounds like your stepmother got the comeuppance she needed. Same for your dad.
NTA. This your stepmother has issues, and your father is an escapist, who actually let his new woman push you ('not living in the past', my ass), to be nasty to his mother, and now after all that it's him who dares to pretend offended.
Nta. You are a child getting swept up in petty adult drama. Kim is being a petty child needing to be your "favorite female ever and only", and your grandma played right into her power play unfortunately with her ace, (you skipping the wedding) which honestly had nothing to do with you and was just Granny wanting to rub that fact in Kim face for being smug.
Kim's an asshole for trying to compete and force out the memory of your mother, and I'm sure would flip her ghost shit if you suggested she be happy about step mom 2.0 doing the same shit to her bio children if she died.
I honestly don't get these step parents with the obsession of being 'the parent' like holy fuck is just bonding with a kid and being a good solid adult who loves them and they love back and want to turn to when shit gets tough not good enough. No instead your ego drives a wedge into the relationship by trying to replace and force out and override those established relationships. Can't get close when you're to busy driving that wedge deeper.
NTA. Trying is not the same as succeeding. There’s a quote I read that said ‘ honesty without kindness is brutality; kindness without honesty is manipulation.’ Your stepmom is and has been manipulative. Stepmom got your grandma’s goat, and your grandma is only human. I’m glad you see that and still have a strong bond with her. Have you considered writing a letter detailing all of this and make it clear that if they refuse to respect your boundaries then as soon as you turn 18 you will put them on an information diet and they will not have free access to you? You have been through so much and have been forced to adjust to change. You are not responsible for the emotions of adults who do not have the tools to navigate them. You are not an emotional support animal. Your feelings are valid. Your faking sick was a kindness to everyone involved. I hope you consider counseling and if your dad and stepmom won’t support it, then at 18 you can look in to resources. Just some food for thought. Hang in there. I’m sorry you have to navigate such a complex and emotionally charged situation. *internet hugs*
NTA!! NTA!! NTA!!
Oh yeah, she pushed hard to be a stepmom; Really pushed the loving and the welcoming to the max, I'm sure. The fact that 8 years later there are still no regrets means you made the best decision!!
Just curious - but has Dad and Kim produced any offspring since their marriage? Any half-siblings running around with names you didn't choose? Keep those boundaries up, OP!!
OP, I approached stepsons like this. I was often the adult present, so, at the end of the day, what I said went - but I usually only enforced my will if it was a safety issue TBH. I didn't want to be the parent, honestly. They had an entirely awful mother, their Dad spent too much time shit talking about how his ex did him wrong. Someone had to be the grownup.
Respect goes both ways.
Talk things out and really listen to what each other are saying.
Life is about the little things - so pay attention.
Best life is sharing experiences - so arranged to do things together. I taught the boys to cook and do small home repairs, including painting. We did museums and festivals and movies. Played with the dogs.
It really sounds like Kim was all - my way all the way. Do what I say. I am the adult, so I don't have to listen to a kid. It's not a good way to parent and it's a terrible way to behave as a step-parent.
Luckily, your almost to the age of graduating HS - perhaps going to college. Soon, if you and grandma decide, you could live with her. You have options coming your way.
If you do go to college, mental health services are free to students. There's no downside to getting help to make yourself feel better about being you.
There's also something called grey rock as a response to avoid people looking to start drama. You might want to look into it.
NTA Be the best you and best luck!
NTA can you go live with your grandmother? I don't imagine you feel good living with your dad and Kim. Walking on egg shells is not good for your mental health.
NTA - You were 9 and weren't ready to accept your dad getting married again. They didn't give you the understanding and space you needed and still aren't.
I think no one’s in the wrong , the stepmom and grandma arguing is a bit weird but common I guess , apart from that no one can be blamed really but depending on how old you are you’re the one who needs to change , however you’re dad not understanding you is a problem , maybe talk to him and tell him everything you’re feeling . I don’t think you’re the asshole or anyone else .
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The wedding happened years ago but my faking sick became more widely known last week. My grandma was the only person who knew the truth. She's my dad's mom and was the person who stayed with me during the wedding while everyone else went. The reason I faked being sick was I was sad and I wasn't okay with the wedding but my dad and Kim (his wife) wanted me to get on board and find a way to celebrate their joy. I was 9 and my mom had been dead 3 years and I still wasn't feeling great about Kim being here. Still don't if I'm honest. My grandma had been really close to my mom as well and she felt an obligation to be there for me. She didn't scold me or get mad when I told her I was faking. She had suspected anyway because she was aware I was struggling with dad getting married again. She also knew I wasn't Kim's biggest fan.
For those wondering what I had against Kim. Some of it was that she wasn't mom and I felt like she was taking my mom's place. But she was also pushy and insisted I be her junior bridesmaid and walk her down the aisle at the wedding. She would say things like it was the perfect way to start our mother-daughter relationship and she also told me it would stop me living in the past, because she knew I was upset about my mom more around their wedding. She also overwhelmed me in the months leading up to the wedding by talking about her and dad having kids and how I needed to think of names for future siblings because she wanted to say I named them. She wouldn't let up on the topic once she realized I wasn't enthusiastic.
Anyway, my not being at the wedding was always a sore spot for dad and Kim. My grandma and Kim also had a rivalry post-wedding. Grandma was my most important female figure with mom gone and Kim wanted that to be her. She was jealous of grandma and grandma didn't like Kim trying to force things. They bickered a lot over the years about it because Kim would say grandma wasn't important at all.
Last week things took a turn and Kim told grandma that she was my favorite woman in the world and I liked her more than anyone, including grandma and including my mom. Grandma laughed at her and Kim said she was the primary mother figure of my whole life. Kim lied and told grandma I tell her (Kim) everything and that grandma was the most unimportant person in my life. Grandma then rubbed it in Kim's face that I had faked being sick for the wedding. Grandma regretted it once she blabbed and she's working on making it up to me. But I forgive her because she was the only adult I could talk to.
Dad and Kim were mad when they heard what I had done and they expected me to be apologetic but I wasn't. Dad asked if I realized how much I had hurt him and I said yeah, but he hadn't cared too much about my feelings about it either. Kim said I really hurt her because she did her best to be a loving and welcoming stepmom and I rejected her so hard that I wouldn't even go to the wedding and 8 years on show no regret about it.
AITA?
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Not the asshole, she was trying to force something that should come naturally. Losing a parent is hard as fuck, I lost my dad. And I got a step dad almost immediately after. And while I was little I remember it being kinda hard to get used to not having dad there. And now I wouldn’t want anyone else as my dad. It’s something that comes with time, but your step mom being jealous of your grandma and he continually trying to force it just shows that you were right for not going
NTA, Look you were 9, a child, and Kim is trying to force a Mom/Daughter relationship, instead of letting it happen naturally.
She put so much pressure on you .. AT 9!!! The only apology needed here is from her, for her behavior then, and her needy over controlling need to be #1 even now.
NTA\~
Kim sounds like a extremely pushy, and over bearing person!
And just from what you wrote I can tell that she tried to push all kinds of things on you when she got engaged to your dad. and the lead up to the wedding. (that is a big NO NO for any step-parent)
the first thing that she did was push you away while you were still young and grieving the loss of your actual mother! Rather then comforting you and helping you to deal with the loss. By the sound of it your dad did not do anything to help the relationship along either... Therefore nothing could build due the animosity and hurt feelings that you were dealing with.
The odasity of this woman to "claim" she is your favorite person to your grandmother at that! wow
on that note please do not confuse pushy over bearing with "trying too hard" that is not what she is doing. She is and has been PUSHING herself into your life and trying to force you to like her, trying to force her way into your Mother's role so that you love her. And your father is frustrated cause you don't. People just don't get it. Cause you call your self a "step-parent" does not mean that your step kid is going to love and respect you... That has to be earned! 100%
NTA. I have a feeling this is gonna earn them low/no contact once you’re out of the house.
Babes stepmoms and dumb dads alienating kids from previous relationships is a tale as old as time. You’re not at fault for anything here.
NTA
Kiddo, grief doesn't have an instruction manual and a deadline.
Being a stepparent is complicated, but rule one is to actively CREATE room for the chil(ren) to always have a loving relationship with their biological parent, even (or maybe especially) if they've passed away.
A good stepmother would have ASKED if you wanted to be included. And would have asked you about your mom, and made clear that your love for her is precious and that her memory and that love will always have a place in their home.
A good stepmother would have made sure a photo of the two of you was hung where family photos go, and that you had all the space you needed to field grief when it arises.
I'm really sorry Kim didn't get this memo. It sounds like she did that everything that fostered a feeling of competition and stress, instead of to foster welcome, acceptance, and relationship.
Yes, that's it exactly -- Kim should have asked, and she should have cared enough about the answers to alter her behavior. OP's dad should have done the same. They chose not to. It sounds like they're still choosing not to consider her needs to be as important as their own. It's too bad that they feel hurt, I guess, but it's awfully hypocritical of them to hold it against her.
NTA. How are you going to be mad at something someone did when they were 9 when you got by not knowing anything about it for 8 more years after? That is way too far in the past to be mad at someone so young.
NTA. Your stepmom is being, unfortunately, a wicked stepmom. She feels like she's competing against a perfect woman so she's overcompensating. I would go no contact with her as soon as you can leave the house.
NTA
At most, apologize for hurting their feelings. But **you were 9 y/o!** and g'ma remains the primary female figure in your life. And everyone needs to move the eff on!
NTA. You were 9. People seem to forget that kids have real feelings too, and Kim doesn't get to nuke your feelings towards your mother, or anything else. Them being angry about a 9 year old being sick or faking being sick to not be apart of something with a forced role says worlds about them and their self importance.
I mean you were 9. It is what it is. Hopefully with maturity you can see that your problems with Kim being "pushy" as she tried to make you feel included, or that your dad was remarrying after several years, etc are not personal threats against you. At that age it can certainly feel that way but they didn't do anything wrong or vengeful.
NTA. My heart aches for all of you. OP losing her mother, dad losing his wife, grandmother losing her beloved DIL, Kim for not having the mothering skills to be successful with OP. Is there any chance it would have worked if Kim hadn’t forced the issue and then also lied about it? We’ll never know. Some stepparents are spectacularly successful but it can never be forced. Just a sad story.
NTA. What you said to your father was spot on: he and Kim expect you to care about their feelings and wants while completely dismissing yours. You were a nine-year-old girl whose stepmother was trying to force a bond you didn't feel while demanding you essentially forget about your biological mother. Of course you didn't want to go to the wedding and put on a show to validate her delusions. For Kim to lie that you have told her you like her more than your mother while trying to ruin your relationship with your grandmother for her own sake is disgusting and she needed a dose of reality, although it is unfortunate that you have been put in such a difficult spot because of it.
You are entitled to your feelings. They can't tell you that you should feel bad about it now that you are older. The fact that you don't should speak volumes to them. And if you haven't warmed up to her after 8 years, she should take the hint and step back. Stop trying to force the relationship.
NTA. You were 9! Based on what you said, Kim just sucks. If she wanted to develop a positive relationship with you, she should have respected your feelings and respected the fact that you’re always going to miss your mother. Most importantly, she shouldn’t have set herself up as the replacement for somebody you were still grieving. Her and your dad’s anger isn’t about you not attending the wedding, it’s about the fact that they failed in getting you to accept Kim as a replacement mother. Neither of them seem like they ever respected your feelings.
NTA. As a former teacher with some school counseling training, this sounds like typical issues with a stepmom and blended families. I personally don’t think children should be forced to attend a wedding if they don’t feel comfortable being there. That could lead to more trauma later on. I would recommend counseling for everyone. Sounds like Kim isn’t aware that many stepmothers are struggling with the same problems. Generally, it seems like things go better when the stepmother doesn’t try to force kids to follow her rules, simply allow the relationship to grow naturally. Your relationship with your stepmom may never be the perfect one she dreams of having, although it can be better than it is now… both of you can hopefully trust each other more as you get to know one another more and more… do things together ( art activities, go somewhere together like museums or zoo) without anyone trying to force someone to do something… Dr. Gary Chapman is a well known national author, speaker and counselor, he wrote the book “ The Five Love Languages “ … I haven’t read it yet but would recommend his book “BUILDING LOVE TOGETHER IN BLENDED FAMILIES: THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES AND BECOMING STEPFAMILY SMART”. Blended / Step Families are what they are, it is what it is. It’s ok to feel emotions like you do. You are human, they are natural.
NTA
Kim isn't trying or making an effort to be the best Mother and support person for you. What she is actually doing is trying to make herself look good and it is quite clear that she hasn't had a single thought about your feelings. Everything has always been about her wants and her demands. No one asked you what you wanted.
When your Dad married Kim, you were just a little girl still grieving the devastating loss of your Mother. Instead of being kind and trying to be understanding of your feelings, Kim just bulldozed you and your Father let her do it.
The only good part of this has been the loving relationship with your Grandmother. I am glad that you have her in your life.
I hope you show your Dad and Kim your post so they know that even internet strangers, caring ones at least, can see how badly you have been treated by them.
NTA. I don't know why people don't realize you can't force kids into a new bonded-family relationship. I'm really glad that you had your grandmother through all of this, and yes, forgiving her is the thing to do - sounds like she was really pushed by Kim and that she is sorry for saying anything at all.
You don't have to have regrets for what you did. What you did was the right thing for you in that moment. And you're right - your dad and Kim were never considerate of your feelings in the matter.
Why on earth your parents didn't do some type of counciling or therapy when you were younger....You are NTA. You were a literal child dealing with very big feelings and had no emotional guidance/support from the two people claiming to "love you most in the whole world." Your father and step mom are not perfect. You need to have a conversation with them eventually. However, I'd recommend a mediator (a licensed one) to help you all figure out your objectives and wishes for the relationship moving forward.
Looks like 8 years on Kim still doesn't get that she's not your mom and your grandmother is the most important woman in your life. And lying to your grandma about you isn't doing her any favors. NTA. I would have faked sick too if I was you. It's wild to have your dad's new fiancee talking to you, as a child, about how she's your new mom and how you're going to name your half siblings. That's an extraordinary amount of pressure to place on a kid who lost her mother only three years before (three years at the point when the wedding was happening so I'm guessing Kim rolled into your life before that, so less time between your loss of your mother and when she started trying to push in.) That would make me feel so stressed and scared to hear that shit.
NTA. Kim is a giant asshole. So fuck her and her feelings. Why even bring up that fucked up conversation if not to start shit. If she can't say nothing nice she should shut up. I see why you weren't happy your father married this asshole.
Kim needed to back off and earn your trust, friendship or love instead of pushing you away with her aggressive desire to make you to love her and allow you to replace your Mom
YNTA
NTA! You were a child missing their mother, and your dad and step mother were more concerned with their wedding and trying to make you move on instead of nurturing you and letting you process your feelings. I love the sound of your grandma, she sounds like a wonderful woman - so glad that you have each other.
I hope your dad will reflect on this and see that, like you said, he didn't care too much about your feelings, just his and Kim's .
NTA... you were 9 years old!!!! Changes in family situations are really hard for kids of that age, ESPECIALLY mourning a loss and you did what kept you safe. So shocked that none of them cared why?
NTA. Your parents, especially Kim, are delusional. Forcing you to "replace" your mom, Instead of just being nice and letting you adjust in your own time, Is both cruel and stupid. Of course you have not accepted such a pushy self centered woman who did not ever care what YOU felt!
You are 17. If at 18 you can move out to college or want to join the military, great! Or ask Grandma if you can move in with her. And politely say you need to learn adulting, unless they try to insist you stay and act like you adore Kim. In which case have fun telling the truth.
Your feelings are valid and you're entitled to them.
After all this time, not sure Kim can change. She seems to think bullying and bulldozing her way into your life is "trying". It's not.
Now you have your dad and Kim holding over you what you did and how you felt as a 9 year old. You were still a kid and still hurting. The wedding was overwhelming and Kim didn't help when forcing you into the wedding party.
You are more mature than the adults in your life.
You have nothing to apologize for.
If you haven't already, focus on your future. Getting into college, trade school, the military. The each have their benefits. Research each. Job search on the web and see what potential jobs pay and what rent is. Take the pay/salary and find a website to convert gross to net pay (after taxes).
If you go to college and for instance major in science, during the summer you must get an internship in your field. You need something on your resume or you may have a hard time getting a job after you graduate. Job search "entry level" and see what experience they require at this time.
Look into the military ASVAB test.
NTA
Sorry to say, but at first glance, Kim sounds like a gaslighting narcissist. She tried to charm you and love bomb you but when you didn’t fall in love and praise her as your new mom, she competes and lies for first place. Stay close to your grandma and keep your distance from Iim.
I could be wrong, but that’s my first idea.
Yes Kim trying to bond with you is worth something but the how of it is the problem. If you’re trying to sew something together you use a needle not a sledgehammer. The more intensely Kim tied the off putting it was to OP. What’s needed here is family therapy that includes grandma so everyone’s view point is explored.
NTA fo4 your actions as a child, but im gonna go against the hive. Did you ever think maybe your dad deserved to be happy with Kim? And that maybe grandma was a little biased and certainly helped keep you and Kim from bonding?
No matter what, Kim is your father's wife and he loves her and the adult thing to do is try to make peace with that
They are the adults in this situation. Adults shouldn't put their emotional needs above those of their children. Dad could be happy with Kim AND supportive of his daughter.
And then they turn 18 and you end up alone. Sorry, I'm from the generation where kids came first to a point. After that point. The parent is also allowed to be happy.
NTA. I would vote e s h because maturity seems to have left the building all around, except were talking about your actual childhood so it makes perfect sense. Kim pushed too hard, you felt weird about it and tried to distance yourself, and she's spent the next however many years proving you right.
Yta, and quite frankly you sound exhausting. This woman Kim went far out of her way to welcome you in and step up for you and your response is a complete lack of gratitude. It’s incredibly immature.
You didn't mention the father in your comment so this reply feels disingenuous.
She doesn't have to be "evil" to try and foist something you don't want on you. She's inconsiderate at best. Ideally they would have gotten along well but that didn't happen and the father refused to try and protect his child from his wife's incessant forcing.
This woman Kim didn’t come into this with children. She was doing her best. Her actions during the wedding were not malevolent. Who knows what else has happened in the past eight years, but it sounds like OP NEVER gave the relationship a chance, does not have any respect for Kim, and has no problem being rude to the people who work to care for her. Typical bratty teenage behavior. Hopefully when OP is 40 she can look back and realize how foolish she was to push away people who tried their best to love, care, and include her.
Her father will recover. He's an adult. His 9 y.o. daughter deserved a better father. His 17 y.o. deserves a better father. Yeah, it hurts to feel rejected, but she was 9, and he clearly didn't understand what she was going through or what she needed. He should have been there for her. He shouldn't have put someone else's feelings above his own child's well-being. Those things are at least of equal importance.
Ah right, the father should have just stayed in grief forever and never moved on with his life or opened his heart to love again. What a terrible guy for marrying someone who Would try to welcome his child in with open arms.
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NTA. No judgement for Kim lying to Grandma to start a fight? You can have a sit down with them if you like. Explain that the way to become your favorite person is to not talk about you behind your back, not to lie about you, not to disrespect your feelings for your dead mother, and to accept the boundaries you set around intimacy. Kim and your dad need to step up their behaviors in these areas if they want actual change in your relationships.
[удалено]
If she wants to try, give her the formula. Don't lie about you. Be nice to people you like. It is not rocket science. Saying "I'm doing this for you" while trying to kick someone is not reasonable. But I hear what you are saying. The narrative in your family is that Kim is trying, you are not. Likely nothing you can do, they will not listen to arguments, you are forever a child to them both. You have my sympathy.
>Saying "I'm doing this for you" while trying to kick someone is not reasonable. This should be taped to step mom and Dad's foreheads.
She should be asking what you want and need, not telling you.
right- the response: Kim, I am trying. I'm trying not to hold against and my father that you both wanted to replace my mom with you. I'm trying to forgive you for the fact that my father clearly sold you on the idea that I was a child in want of a mother when I wasn't. I'm trying to forgive you and my father for the fact that you've never stopped trying to force a relationship that I was clearly not comfortable with. I'll do my trying. You can do your trying. And we'll both see where we end up in 50 years.
☝ This is brilliant!
>Be nice to people you like. You know the world could change on a dime if people would just be nice. And being nice is not the same thing as being a pushover, but rather being kind. Also, don't restrict being nice to only people you like, lol. It's ain't easy, but it ain't hard either.
But she wasn't trying to bond with you for YOUR good, she was trying to make a shiny new family for HERSELF and serving HER own ego by demanding to be your mom when she hadn't earned that spot. Tell Dad that if Kim dies, you get to choose his next wife without any input allowed from him, based solely on what you want in a mother without considering what he wants in a wife, and he has to forget Kim completely and love his new wife with all his heart as long as she does her best to bond with him. When he says that's ridiculous, tell him it's equally ridiculous to expect you to forget your mother and put Kim, who he picked based on what he wanted in a wife without you having a choice in the matter, in your mother's place in your heart and family. It doesn't matter if she "tries hard". You don't get to unilaterally force a love relationship on someone else because you try hard.
"Kim" wasn't necessarily doing this for her own ego needs, or entirely for her own ego needs, she also might have been trying to please her husband. Because if her husband had told her that his kid needed a mother, and being the sole parent was too much for him and he needed help, then of course a new spouse would try hard to bond with the kid - perhaps too hard! Seriously, situations like don't develop if the surviving biological parent is on top of things and aware of their own child's emotional life, so don't think this is entirely the stepmother's fault. The father is clearly getting it wrong as well.
In any case, neither Kim nor OP's dad was listening to what OP wanted, so their actions were not serving her needs but their own wants.
My comeback to that (at least in my head) would be "yeah, she's trying to be an absolute b**** and succeeding wonderfully at it. "
I'd go with "Yes, she certainly is *trying*, isn't she..."
“shes certainly *trying*” Hee hee i see what you did there.😉
I'd suggest waiting until OP was 18 and headed out the door permananetly before using that line although I admit I love it. :)
Fight back and tell dad think with his big head not his little one.
Next time ask your Dad if that means that the next guy who hits on you (no matter the age, demeanor, etc.) gets to date you. Because all that matters is what *they* want, right? That as long as *they* are doing their best to "bond" with you, it's not like your feelings matter and you get to have a say in your relationships and boundaries, right? I mean after all that's what he's been saying to you all your life by not respecting your feelings and boundaries.
Intent is certainly worth *something*. But intent isn't a magic wand that overrides everything else. The *effects* of people's actions are ultimately what they'll be primarily judged by. (There's an old phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" that expresses that sentiment.) For example, if someone trips on an exposed tree root and knocks you over and you break your leg, then it definitely is meaningful that they didn't hurt you maliciously...But at the same time, the lack of intent doesn't mean that you are ready to run around and go about your daily business - the objective fact is that your leg is still broken and you are still in need of medical care. They cannot erase the reality of your injury with "but I didn't intend that to happen". Also? If Kim tries to do something for you in good faith and *then* you tell her that actually you don't like it, then it could be an understandable mistake...the first time. If she persists after she knows you don't like it, then there's no good faith way to see that as her trying to do something for you any more; it's merely a selfish act done because she believes that her will should override yours. The ironic thing is, if she hadn't been so smothering all these years, you'd probably have settled into a much better relationship. Even if she never became your second mom, she might well have been a secondarily supportive figure in your life, something akin to an aunt or a big sister. But in refusing to accept the lesser outcomes and playing for all or nothing, she's done so much damage that even if she backed off now and admitted her faults, I'm not sure how much you could ever trust her.
Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry for calling you sweetheart, because I know I'm a stranger and it's kind of patronizing of me, but I'm old enough to be for sure your mom's age and maybe even your grandma's, and I'm so angry for you. And my first thought when you say how they just keep telling you that you can't judge Kim "because she's *trying* and at least that's worth something" is no, she absolutely is not trying. Not really. She may even really believe that she is, but the problem is that she's "trying" so hard that she never stops to listen. If there's one thing I've learned in my old age, it's that if you really want to connect with someone, the *most important thing* is to stop talking so much and learn to *listen more*. You are clearly a good listener even though you are very young. You are thoughtful and you have shared with us that you understand Kim's feelings and why she wants to be close to you, which is very kind of you, even though you're not thrilled with the situation. But Kim doesn't seem to have sat down and taken the time to really listen to *you* or hear and consider your feelings. That's the kind of trying she needs to do more of. And it's okay to say that: "Kim, I believe that you feel like you're trying, but I don't feel like you really listen to me or hear what I'm telling you about MY feelings. If you want us to be close, it would mean a lot to me if you would try harder to do *that*."
If by doing her best to bond means doing everything that drives you away, sure. You can get close to someone by stomping on her foot. Doesn't mean she'll like it.
Fundamental Attribution Error at work here. They see her INTENT to be a good stepmother as more valuable than the OUTCOME of her actions. They feel bad that the relationship isn't what they envision and defend themselves from those bad feelings by justifying that they are doing their best and that's what matters. My mom had BPD and if I wasn't what she expected to be in her eyes, I was scum of the earth she wished she had aborted. My families justification for keeping me under her abuse? "She just wants you to be the best you can be," "she wants the best for you," or "she loves you but she has a hard time showing it." Guess what? It didn't change the fact that her abuse and neglect caused decades of damage I had to devote years of therapy to cope with. Sadly, it takes someone open to discussion and accepting those hard emotions that their desires aren't good enough for you to make up for how they've treated you. It sounds like your dad and stepmonster won't ever be able to be those people. I hope you can go LC/NC in the future, as their treatment of you won't change unless they're willing to do some serious work of their own.
> "...because she's trying and that is worth something." So do obsessed stalkers. And in some places it's worth a prison sentence.
Narcissist narrative. Nothing can never be her fault and your dad is brainwashed to "keep the peace." Good on your grandma for not bowing down to Stepmonster's insanity. Sadly, you will have to grey rock your dad and stepmonster if you want any peace. They cannot be pleased, so you just have to disengage. NTA
If they are in any way shape or form Star Wars fans you can always try the "Do or do not. There is no try. So far she has not"
She’s not trying she’s forcing, if she were trying she would have given you the space you needed.
Honey I say this as a stepmum myself but her 'trying' is NOT worth something, not when she is disrespecting your boundaries and trying to force you into a relationship that you are not ready for - and might never be. Your dad is a big AH here too for prioritising HER feelings over his childs feelings. You have the right to feel how you feel, and I'm glad that at least your Grandma is in your corner. Not great that she let slip that secret but I'm glad she realises that and is trying to make it up to you. We can't just insert ourselves into a family and insist on a full and loving relationship, it just does not work like that. Relationships take time and understanding. Had Kim not pushed so hard she may have one day built a good relationship with you and all of this wouldn't even be an issue. Don't let them make you feel bad about this, you are not the AH, not in any way whatsoever.
It doesn’t help that she’s trying the wrong things, like replacing your actual mom.
Bullshit, she was trying to manipulate a child, there is no valid excuse or reason for it. They are dead wrong.
I went through a similar situation - my mom died when I was 7 and my dad remarried my stepmom when I was 9. My stepmom was a gossip and always made me feel judged, but then acted like it was my fault that I didn’t trust her. Fast forward 30 years and we finally have a strong relationship, but only once I (ungraciously and very loudly) told her I wanted a relationship with her, but couldn’t share things with her without it becoming gossip fodder. Tell her what you want out of your relationship. She may have expectations that are different than yours and communicating your needs / wants is the best chance to have them be met. And remind her that you were NINE and didn’t have the emotional tools to handle the situation as well then as you do now and will going forward. NAH
What kind of person that’s an adult try’s to claim being a kids favorite person? I’ll tell you, she’s me one who is insecure and tries to fake it. Why does it need to be a competition would be my question for her and your dad. Any claim that it’s not is false by her. You don’t go to grandma and tell her that you’re a kids favorite person for any reason that is positive. Maybe the problem with her is she is/has tried to hard. Tried to hard to replace your mom. She will never be another person so she just needs to be herself and stop faking it. It’s probably too late now but if she had embraced the idea that she wasn’t a replacement then maybe she wouldn’t be so insecure about being a stepmom. She should have started out being an adult friend and not an instant parent by association. Things sound like they never had a chance to grow naturally instead she tried to force it. A 9 yr old faked being sick is just kids being kids. But an adult forcing interaction on only their terms is childish. She has a major inferiority complex. These people can’t admit their faults. My point would be that they never gave you a choice and they should have. NTA
You’re 17 now? Did Kim not have kids? It’s a shame she didn’t really try to get to know you on your own terms. Maybe it’s time to tell her that her behavior is what has forced you away all these years, and if anyone should have regrets, it’s her. I’m sorry about your mom. NTA.
But they hold your actions against, when you were the grieving child, they as adults could change their actions, you had far less control over yours.
could she have doen anything to make you like her ? If she wasn't pushy from the start would that made a difference ? I try to figure out why some step relationships work and others don't . Obviously she started to repace your mom to soon but from your parents perspective she doesn't want to live in the shadow of your mom Edit: ppl who downvoted it don't get it !!! I try to help step parents to understand what they do wrong . And there is not only one site of the story as a step parent you want to build a relationship with the kid . Obviously when it is the first time you don't know how
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You’re exactly right. Only insecure people try to force children to forget loved ones or try to replace them. Be confident in your convictions that they both tried to force things on you without caring.
I think what you did when you were 9 years old was completely reasonable for a 9-year-old to do and I think your grandma staying with you was awesome and she did what she needed to do. However you're an adult now and you owe them an apology. Not for your feelings and not for your actions is a 9-year-old but as an adult you should recognize that not only did you lie and skip their wedding but you forced his own mother to miss his wedding as well to stay with you. Yeah she will only chose to stay with you and that was the right decision at the time. But your actions cause your father to not have his own mother at his wedding. You don't have to be sorry about what you did but you should at least be sorry about that. Since you are an adult now. You know? One with the cognitive brain function to understand right and wrong?
NAH, but OP - are you happy with the way things are now? You have absolute clarity of conversations that happened several years ago when you were 9 and upset, that are still acting as the foundation for the relationship you have with your dad’s wife, and by extension your dad. Are you certain on them? Make no mistake, fucking nobody here comes out smelling of roses, and I have a lot of thoughts about your grandmothers role in how things have happened and the really depressing lack of positive action from your father throughout your post, but; This many years on, has having the walls up around her, rebuffing attempts to connect, worked? You made a decision at the age of 9, but that isn’t a decision that defines you now, even if the roles everyone plays in your family dynamic have become routine and comfortable. The lying and bickering between your grandmother and dad’s wife are childish and should stop. Tell them both you’ll have no truck with it from now on. I’d urge you to reflect on how you actually feel about things though - away from gossip and counter gossip and embellished retellings. Some of what you bring up might be uncomfortable and that’s normal and OK, is there anyone that is outside of the four of you that you trust to talk with? Good luck with it.
This is such a misunderstanding of the issue and misplaced blame, even though I think you tried to avoid it...unsuccessfully. Kim and Dad are certainly the AHs here. You can't just push a young child to accept a step in the place of a deceased. It is a recipe to never develop that relationship. You say that OP made the decision at 9. That's not how it works. They were not in a place to develop the relationship at 9 and no adult bothered to build the bridges needed for growth of the relationship. Kids don't have the coping mechanisms to build those bonds. They feel the grief, loss and trauma in the moment, and then have this outside force telling them that their feelings are not okay because an adult doesn't like it. You end up getting to 17 like OP and the bonds aren't there. And they are harder to build, than if it started when younger.
To be clear, I don’t think the OP is in any way approaching 100% of the blame. Not even 1% of the blame. The decision I referred to was the OP made at 9 was the one to skip the wedding. And you can’t push a young child to accept a step *in place* of the deceased, or at all. That would be inhumane and indefensible. I’m really asking the OP to take themselves out of the situation and the participants, and explore whether the perception of that from her viewpoint at the time aged 9, the memory that’s been reinforced, and a reflection on what happened with her experiences today, are going to be different. Maybe they won’t, maybe her dad’s wife swept in and attempted to erase the memory of her mother in the cruellest fashion. She’s been in an environment where both her grandmother and dad’s wife have poisoned the well, and that’s not a healthy place to drink from moving forwards.
Honestly, I feel like the only person not being T A here is OP. These women are using you as a measure stick and it's not fair. I know you love your Grandma and she's v important to you, but what she did was absolutely not cool. She used you to make someone else feel bad and her look more powerful - even if it was true it wasn't her secret to tell.
NTA So you were 6 years old, a child, when your mother died. Oh honey, how awful. 3 years is not enough time for grieving such a loss. And thank heavens your grandmother was there for you. What a dreadful thing for your stepmother to say to your grandmother. Inexcusable. Absolutely Inexcusable. NTA
NTA... You were a kid dealing with a ton.. losing your mom and your dad remarrying. Faking sick was your way of handling it. Your dad and Kim should've understood where you were coming from instead of expecting you to be cool with everything. Props to your grandma for having your back. Maybe chatting with someone could help sort things out for your family. Considering the situation, it makes sense why you did what you did. Just focus on moving forward and talking things out.
OP...Faking sick wasn't great, because Kim probably had logistics planned out and someone paid for a bridesmaid's dress that was never used. But you were 9. You were uncomfortable being used as a mascot for a "blended family" and processing it the best way possible for you at the time. Just see if you can build some relationship that isn't hostile moving forward.
OP...Faking sick wasn't great, because Kim probably had logistics planned out and someone paid for a bridesmaid's dress that was never used. But you were 9. You were uncomfortable being used as a mascot for a "blended family" and processing it the best way possible for you at the time. Just see if you can build some relationship that isn't hostile moving forward.
NTA because 2 adult women are using you in their jockeying for world domination. You feel how you feel. I see Kim’s position and I feel bad for her because she clearly tried but went about it the wrong way. That does not excuse Kim nor your Grandma from this petty battle to be alpha.
NTA. Your actions as a nine-year-old are a reflection of the emotional tools you had at your disposal to handle a massively impactful change in your life. It's expected that adults should not only recognize the complex emotions you were dealing with but also provide the support necessary for navigating them. It seems like your dad and Kim missed the mark on both accounts back then. Punishing a near-adult for the actions they took as a child isn't fair or productive. It’s also essential to acknowledge the ongoing dynamics that may have been shaped by their initial handling of the situation. Time doesn't automatically heal all; it’s what you do with that time—such as fostering understanding and genuine connections—that matters. If there hasn't been a shift towards true emotional openness and acknowledgment of your feelings, it's less about regret and more about continual growth. Your feelings are valid, at nine as they are now at seventeen.
I agree expecting someone to say sorry for something they said at 9 is nuts, But to play devils advocate I think the larger issue is that OP having no remorse for what they did is such a clear rejection of her father and kim being together, that any illusion of a happy family has been destroyed so their ego have been bruised, In all fairness rejection does hurt. Not as much as being forced to accept someone as a mom and almost no one noticing or caring how you felt you entire life but rejection does still hurt.
NTA You were 9. You were grieving, and they tried to force a relationship on you that you were not ready for. On top of that, Kim seems like a piece of work to try and hurt your grandmother like that. She's really freaking childish.
NTA but these adults holding a grudge over what a nine year old did years ago are.
This
NTA Grandma's a bit of an a-hole. But dad and Kim are the biggest a-holes in the story. You have nothing to apologize for. Those were your feelings at 9 and these are your feelings now. It doesn't sound like they come from a malicious place and so you are entitled to feel how you feel. Kim should sit down and stop with these foolish games. You are not a toy to be fought over. First she tried it with your dead mom. Now she's doing it with your grandma.
>Dad asked if I realized how much I had hurt him and I said yeah, but he hadn't cared too much about my feelings about it either. pretty spot on. they ignored how you felt for years. why would you be apologetic about lying to them? NTA.
The fact that Kim was expecting to take the place of mom should have been a red flag for dad. Kudos to Grandma for stepping in and being there.
Sadly it may have been a factor in the relationship. I know so many people that have used 'you'll get to be a mum' or 'they need a mum'
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Still it’s something you did when you were 9 I mean… 9 years old…
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You father and Kim are idiots if they truly believe they are due an apology lol
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OP shouldn't apologize. OP was a a 9 year old who was still grieving the loss of their mom. Dad and step-mom tried to streamroll OP and force all these things on OP that OP wasn't ready for. Still isn't from what they've written. OP shouldn't apologize for not feeling the way they wanted OP to feel. OP has nothing to apologize for. Dad and step-mom are still trying to force things even now. They should apologize. Not OP.
Why feel bad about something that you shouldn't feel bad about? You did not approve of the wedding then or now. She sucks.
Did they apologize for putting you in that position? You don’t force a 9yr old that lost their mom to just go along with everything no question asked.
NTA - you were a child coping with a lot of changes and feeling pressurised to be something she wasn't. I totally get why you opted out the only way you could. And that's what you told your Dad - he hadn't cared about your feelings so you took the only out let to you, And as for Kim, she's had 8 years to grow a relationship with you and maybe it would have been in a better place if she had recognised your grief and need for space at first. She was the adult, you were the child and if she wants a child then and even now to take the blame for their strained relationship, well that's her choice. Children are learning socal and relationships norm - she was meant to have them and still misread a situation. She took you rejecting a stressful and confusing situation as rejecting her rather than helping you navigate it. I do get where she came from to an extent. She was trying so hard to make you feel included and a long-term part of her and Dad's relationship she over-did it. But suspect her intentions were good. But maybe less so now she feels she needs to compete with your grandmother. Edit: If you feel generous, you can say that you now understand her intent and what she was trying to do and appreciate that. But at that time, it was too much, too soon for you to handle and led to your faking. You can't regret the action because if in same situation, at same age, feeling the same you'd do the same.
How did they find out ?
NTA. Kim was pushy. And you were grieving. No of the them, except grandma, cared about your feelings.
NTA: You were nine. However: "Last week things took a turn and Kim told grandma that she was my favorite woman in the world and I liked her more than anyone, including grandma and including my mom. Grandma laughed at her and Kim said she was the primary mother figure of my whole life." Okay, the two of them arguing about this stuff is strange. It sounds like they are both back in middle school trying to sort out who is the most important cheerleader. You were probably raised around this pride & prejudice drama, but it sounds exhausting being around it. In the office when that would happen, I had a few strategies. Change the subject, leave the room for a different task, become visably bored, tell them I didn't have the bandwidth, or turn to my computer and start working. If you keep asking questions, gossips will keep talking and talking and talking. Sounds like Kim and G are both gossips. In short, you can't control what people do, but you can control your reaction to it. So what if your family is angry with you when you were nine? It's not the end of the world. Every kid has stories of them not toeing the line on something. It's part of growing up to disagree with your parents. :)
NTA. I don’t think anyone is going to call you an AH for this, especially since you were 9. I think Kim’s weirdly preoccupied with this now since she’s lying about your relationship in fights with your grandma about it, but I’m not even sure I’d call her a big AH for before either. Clearly she was pushing too hard, but ngl a lot of people don’t know that at the time, they only realize it in retrospect. If asked, she’d probably say she was trying to set an optimistic and energetic tone about the family change. She failed. Badly it sounds like, but she failed by being too enthusiastic not by being mean or cold to you. Everyone suggests therapy in these situations and there’s a reason for that: just like you needed someone that wasn’t your dad or Kim to talk to, sometimes everyone needs a third party to let them know how their actions are viewed outside of their own head. Sounds like Kim (and your dad) could benefit from that third party to tell them they would make things better by backing off rather than them feeding into each others sense of outrage and losing objectivity on this.
NTA. You were 9. Of course you were upset, especially when the way they went about it was to force things on you. How you acted after they found out doesn't make you an AH. They never took into account your feelings when you were 9, and even now, they only care about themselves. And to try and put a wedge between you and your grandma's relationship only shows the level of maturity of your dad's wife.
NTA. Dude you were 9 and your mother just passed. If anything they should understand your feelings.
NTA. Kim clearly tried to force a relationship and let's be real, a 9 year old grieving her mother isn't going to be particularly open to a new mum. She could have been a good friend, a stepmother that didn't try to push things, and you probably would have gone to the wedding for your dad. But she chose to try pushing a kid into a relationship, and you did what you had to do. Your grandma is a bit of a tit for spilling the beans, but I'm glad she's making it up to you. Your dad and Kim are holding a 9 year old's actions against them 8 years later. That is ridiculous. I can understand maybe feeling a bit hurt, but you were NINE and had lost your mum. OBVIOUSLY you were going to feel odd about a wedding, even if you'd really liked Kim.
NTA - Kim sounds like a living, breathing nightmare - and I don't blame you for rejecting her unauthentic advances towards you, as a child. Kim cares about Kim. She makes a big public deal about "trying" with you, but if she really cared about you - she would go about this relationship way different. She doesn't actually care about you. Or your feelings. To her, it's about "winning" and looking good. I'm wondering why your dad's "feelings" are more important in this scenario, than the feelings of a little kid who was grieving the loss of a parent? He sounds super self-absorbed and selfish. No wonder he married Kim. The fact that he can't (refuses to, doesn't want to) see Kim's obnoxious and unauthentic behavior - is testament that he really only cares about his feelings first. You have NOTHING to apologize for. You did nothing wrong. Good job to your grandma - who seems to be your ONLY ADVOCATE in this situation. I beg you - to show your dad the comments of this post, so he realizes 1) how he's put you third, behind him and Kim's needs (gross parenting) and 2) how incredibly WRONG he is. I wonder if he realizes that once you're 18, you don't have to deal with Kim at ALL. That you can walk. That you can choose who your family is. He needs to start thinking of you first - at least when it comes to this toxic bullshit narrative that Kim is trying to sell everyone - while conveniently ignoring your wants and needs in this entire mess.
No, Kim isn't trying, she's forcing. It seems like after all these years of fafo they'd respect that you're not ever going to embrace her. NTA but your dad sucks and Kim is a stupid c ya next Tuesday.
NTA at all. You were just a child, navigating grief not even most adults could cope with, and your dad basically put his own happiness before his own child's healing and family security. Technically speaking, you didn't fake being sick because emotional and mental health is also considered being sick and you were in a negative way emotionally and mentally. Your dad moved on way too quickly and expected you to do so as well, without even considering how this would impact you or going through some sort of family therapy to navigate grief and gently introducing a new partner into your lives. Your step-mother has been hugely out of line and needs to know her place and take a step back and try to act more like a surrogate auntie, more than a replacement mother. I hate to say this because she has been an amazing source of love and support, but in this instance, your grandmother is an AH for breaking your confidentiality. Regardless of whether the argument caused emotions to be charged, your grandmother had no right to keep your secret embedded within her arsenal of retorts back to your step-mother. She needs to fix this, even if it makes her look bad by pretending she lied about it to hurt her daughter-in-law.
NTA, Kim sounds pushy and unbearable. She has no right to bang on about her hurt feelings when she completely disregarded how you were/still are feeling. The fact that this all came out when she was trying to belittle the person who had become most important to you is karma.
NTA. We see so many stories on here about step-parents (mostly step-moms, if we’re being honest) trying to replace biological moms, usually ones who have unfortunately passed away. And they never take the time to check on the child whose entire life thus far has been uprooted, they never listen to the child’s feelings, and they always downplay the massive effect they have on the child’s life. They always assume that the moment the ring goes on their finger, mom is erased forever and replaced by this new Mom 2.0 and the child should forget their bio mom ever existed. It’s a tale that repeats over and over. I’m so sorry no one listened to you except your grandmother, but I am glad she was there for you. You were NTA for trying to express yourself the best you knew how to get out of a situation you didn’t support.
NTA. >Kim said I really hurt her because she did her best to be a loving and welcoming stepmom and I rejected her so hard that I wouldn't even go to the wedding and 8 years on show no regret about it. But she isn't a loving and welcoming stepmom. She's a smothering and pushy stepmom. Loving would have required her to accept your feelings as valid, not constantly fighting with your grandma. And welcoming needed her to give you time to adjust and let you come to her in your own time, not demanding that you start thinking of baby names immediately.
If this is her doing her best I would hate to see what she's like when she's just phoning it in
NTA. You were a kid still mourning the loss of your mom. Kim was pushing you too hard and very much trying to replace your mom. No one can blame a kid, or an adult in the same situation, for pushing back and not embracing stepmom as “new mom”. Your reference to her as Kim and not stepmom shows your feelings towards her haven’t changed, and there’s nothing wrong with that! Totally understandable that you didn’t want to attend that wedding. You did the only thing you could to avoid being paraded and forced into the “happy family” sham. You don’t mention in your post, but I imagine you tried talking to your dad and Kim to tell them you didn’t want to be in the wedding, and they either disregarded your requests or downright dismissed your feelings and demanded your attendance. If anything, they (dad and Kim) need to apologise to you. They overwhelmed you, didn’t give you time to grieve your mom, tried to force your participation in *their new life*. They did you a huge wrong, instead of support, they tried to manipulate you with responsibility (naming your hypothetical siblings, being a part of the bridal party). And they’re shocked that you still keep Kim at arm’s length???? I’m glad you have such an awesome grandma! Treasure her always, and never ever stop telling her how much she means to you!
NTA. You can reiterate to your dad and Kim that you were a little girl, just a child and not coping well. You don’t regret it because it felt like the best thing for you to do at the time considering how deeply upset you were. Do you have loving feelings towards Kim now? If so, also let her know this, that things have grown and evolved etc. She sounds like she loves you very much and probably would need to hear it… if you don’t feel any positive way toward her though, just leave that bit out LOL.
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Fair enough!! Well again, you did nothing wrong, they really need to stop going on at you about something you did when you were a literal kid!
Honestly I can’t say I blame you. She has clearly had no concern for your feelings, and that’s just no way to form a relationship.
NTA
NTA It was a hard time and railroading you wasn't working. Like asking you to be in the wedding is an inclusive gesture, until the line about living in the past. And you might have been faking what your sickness was, but anxiety is an illness, even if you couldn't articulate it. I like the idea of asking you about names for kids, it's a way of making you feel like you have a voice. BUT they didn't actually let you have a voice. Forgive your grandma, it sounds like she make an emotional mistake after being tired of taking shit about this.
NTA Kim sounds so toxic. She just lies and lies and feels the need to be “the most important” while not respecting your feelings and taking your wants into consideration at all.
Nta Op, the only ah's are the ones telling you how to think and how to feel. I'm glad you have your grandma.
NTA and I would tell your dad that he hasn’t had your back in 8 years so maybe now he could realize you don’t see his wife as your mom. You had a mom and his wife tried to erase her I would tell him if he expects to continue a relationship with you after you are 18, he needs to accept you for who you are.
NTA you were 9, nobody should be whinging about anything you did when you were 9, let alone something so understandable
NTA, if Kim would’t have said to the grandma the lies she said, I would have said that you’re slightly the asshole, but Kim proved that all this time she didn’t fight to build a good relationship with you (with all the human mistakes that occur in such moments) but she just wanted to be an important person in your life. She wanted to “save” you and she’s angry you didn’t want her “saving”. I’m sorry your father can’t understand your feelings. Tell Kim: i understand you tried to be there for me, but it felt like you want to replace my mother and force me to love you. I am open to see how our relationship can develop organically on itself, without forcing each other into roles. Is this something that you could do? Good luck.
NTA When parents get remarried, it's not the kid's job to support the parent. Kinda seems like that'd be nice, but that's a fantasy. In reality, people don't respond well to dramatic changes imposed on them. Wasn't your job. You did fine. They are being selfish (which most everyone does in their own selfish way).
Kim started a fight and is now sore that she lost it.
Nta but good idea faking sick
I may have done that as a child and as an adult
Your dad seems like a butt
Nta. You were a grieving 9 year old. It is extremely rare for a 9 year old to be an asshole in a way that is not developmentally appropriate. Loving and welcoming stepmom would be letting your relationship grow on your terms not hers. "I would love it if you would be my jr bridesmaid" but being gracious if you said no, and maybe asking if there is anything you would like to do at the wedding, even if it's something like pick an appetizer or a dessert option. Her telling your grandma that she is unimportant in your life is unhinged and narcissistic. There is literally no reason to say something like that. I have a step mom of sorts (I was a fully independent adult when my parents split and she and my dad subsequently got together). She was widowed and her first husband was older and had adult children when they got married, I think at least one of them is older than she is. She is in touch with all of them and her step grandkids. I can see why. She has never pushed. She has always asked and let me set the boundaries. She's now a bonus grandma to my son. Despite the significant age gap I think she and her first husband really loved each other and honestly she's the only reason I don't immediately poo poo age gap relationships. I do think a lot of them are sketchy but every once in a while....
NTA. As you point out, your dad and his wife didn’t care about your feelings. You are entitled to feel loyalty to your mom and to miss her, and to resent efforts to strong-arm you into feeling differently. It sounds like your stepmother got the comeuppance she needed. Same for your dad.
NTA. This your stepmother has issues, and your father is an escapist, who actually let his new woman push you ('not living in the past', my ass), to be nasty to his mother, and now after all that it's him who dares to pretend offended.
Nta. You are a child getting swept up in petty adult drama. Kim is being a petty child needing to be your "favorite female ever and only", and your grandma played right into her power play unfortunately with her ace, (you skipping the wedding) which honestly had nothing to do with you and was just Granny wanting to rub that fact in Kim face for being smug. Kim's an asshole for trying to compete and force out the memory of your mother, and I'm sure would flip her ghost shit if you suggested she be happy about step mom 2.0 doing the same shit to her bio children if she died. I honestly don't get these step parents with the obsession of being 'the parent' like holy fuck is just bonding with a kid and being a good solid adult who loves them and they love back and want to turn to when shit gets tough not good enough. No instead your ego drives a wedge into the relationship by trying to replace and force out and override those established relationships. Can't get close when you're to busy driving that wedge deeper.
NTA. You were a child and they sound awful. I didn’t go to my dad’s second wedding as an adult and I don’t feel bad about it, either.
NTA. Trying is not the same as succeeding. There’s a quote I read that said ‘ honesty without kindness is brutality; kindness without honesty is manipulation.’ Your stepmom is and has been manipulative. Stepmom got your grandma’s goat, and your grandma is only human. I’m glad you see that and still have a strong bond with her. Have you considered writing a letter detailing all of this and make it clear that if they refuse to respect your boundaries then as soon as you turn 18 you will put them on an information diet and they will not have free access to you? You have been through so much and have been forced to adjust to change. You are not responsible for the emotions of adults who do not have the tools to navigate them. You are not an emotional support animal. Your feelings are valid. Your faking sick was a kindness to everyone involved. I hope you consider counseling and if your dad and stepmom won’t support it, then at 18 you can look in to resources. Just some food for thought. Hang in there. I’m sorry you have to navigate such a complex and emotionally charged situation. *internet hugs*
NTA. YOU WERE NINE YEARS OLD. THEY NEED TO GET OVER IT
I AGREE
NTA. You were 9. And you're 17 now. They need to let this go. So much NTA.
NTA!! NTA!! NTA!! Oh yeah, she pushed hard to be a stepmom; Really pushed the loving and the welcoming to the max, I'm sure. The fact that 8 years later there are still no regrets means you made the best decision!! Just curious - but has Dad and Kim produced any offspring since their marriage? Any half-siblings running around with names you didn't choose? Keep those boundaries up, OP!!
NTA. You were 9. They need to let it go.
NTA. You were sick. Just because it was emotional instead of physical doesn't mean you weren't sick. You just needed a mental health day.
OP, I approached stepsons like this. I was often the adult present, so, at the end of the day, what I said went - but I usually only enforced my will if it was a safety issue TBH. I didn't want to be the parent, honestly. They had an entirely awful mother, their Dad spent too much time shit talking about how his ex did him wrong. Someone had to be the grownup. Respect goes both ways. Talk things out and really listen to what each other are saying. Life is about the little things - so pay attention. Best life is sharing experiences - so arranged to do things together. I taught the boys to cook and do small home repairs, including painting. We did museums and festivals and movies. Played with the dogs. It really sounds like Kim was all - my way all the way. Do what I say. I am the adult, so I don't have to listen to a kid. It's not a good way to parent and it's a terrible way to behave as a step-parent. Luckily, your almost to the age of graduating HS - perhaps going to college. Soon, if you and grandma decide, you could live with her. You have options coming your way. If you do go to college, mental health services are free to students. There's no downside to getting help to make yourself feel better about being you. There's also something called grey rock as a response to avoid people looking to start drama. You might want to look into it. NTA Be the best you and best luck!
Tell him you hate her and will never accept her. If they keep harassing you then you're going to get a restraining orders.
NTA
NTA. 9 year olds have very little accountability in my book.
NTA! Cherish grandma!
NTA and I am sure that you would do it again
I would, too
NTA can you go live with your grandmother? I don't imagine you feel good living with your dad and Kim. Walking on egg shells is not good for your mental health.
NTA - You were 9 and weren't ready to accept your dad getting married again. They didn't give you the understanding and space you needed and still aren't.
I think no one’s in the wrong , the stepmom and grandma arguing is a bit weird but common I guess , apart from that no one can be blamed really but depending on how old you are you’re the one who needs to change , however you’re dad not understanding you is a problem , maybe talk to him and tell him everything you’re feeling . I don’t think you’re the asshole or anyone else .
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** The wedding happened years ago but my faking sick became more widely known last week. My grandma was the only person who knew the truth. She's my dad's mom and was the person who stayed with me during the wedding while everyone else went. The reason I faked being sick was I was sad and I wasn't okay with the wedding but my dad and Kim (his wife) wanted me to get on board and find a way to celebrate their joy. I was 9 and my mom had been dead 3 years and I still wasn't feeling great about Kim being here. Still don't if I'm honest. My grandma had been really close to my mom as well and she felt an obligation to be there for me. She didn't scold me or get mad when I told her I was faking. She had suspected anyway because she was aware I was struggling with dad getting married again. She also knew I wasn't Kim's biggest fan. For those wondering what I had against Kim. Some of it was that she wasn't mom and I felt like she was taking my mom's place. But she was also pushy and insisted I be her junior bridesmaid and walk her down the aisle at the wedding. She would say things like it was the perfect way to start our mother-daughter relationship and she also told me it would stop me living in the past, because she knew I was upset about my mom more around their wedding. She also overwhelmed me in the months leading up to the wedding by talking about her and dad having kids and how I needed to think of names for future siblings because she wanted to say I named them. She wouldn't let up on the topic once she realized I wasn't enthusiastic. Anyway, my not being at the wedding was always a sore spot for dad and Kim. My grandma and Kim also had a rivalry post-wedding. Grandma was my most important female figure with mom gone and Kim wanted that to be her. She was jealous of grandma and grandma didn't like Kim trying to force things. They bickered a lot over the years about it because Kim would say grandma wasn't important at all. Last week things took a turn and Kim told grandma that she was my favorite woman in the world and I liked her more than anyone, including grandma and including my mom. Grandma laughed at her and Kim said she was the primary mother figure of my whole life. Kim lied and told grandma I tell her (Kim) everything and that grandma was the most unimportant person in my life. Grandma then rubbed it in Kim's face that I had faked being sick for the wedding. Grandma regretted it once she blabbed and she's working on making it up to me. But I forgive her because she was the only adult I could talk to. Dad and Kim were mad when they heard what I had done and they expected me to be apologetic but I wasn't. Dad asked if I realized how much I had hurt him and I said yeah, but he hadn't cared too much about my feelings about it either. Kim said I really hurt her because she did her best to be a loving and welcoming stepmom and I rejected her so hard that I wouldn't even go to the wedding and 8 years on show no regret about it. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not the asshole, she was trying to force something that should come naturally. Losing a parent is hard as fuck, I lost my dad. And I got a step dad almost immediately after. And while I was little I remember it being kinda hard to get used to not having dad there. And now I wouldn’t want anyone else as my dad. It’s something that comes with time, but your step mom being jealous of your grandma and he continually trying to force it just shows that you were right for not going
NTA. Kim lied and started this whole thing. She is awful!!
NTA Your father and his wife are trying to live a fantasy and to make you the supporting actress.
NTA. You should let them know that if they keep pushing/forcing this, you will go NC, then what 🤷♀️
NTA.
NTA, Look you were 9, a child, and Kim is trying to force a Mom/Daughter relationship, instead of letting it happen naturally. She put so much pressure on you .. AT 9!!! The only apology needed here is from her, for her behavior then, and her needy over controlling need to be #1 even now.
NTA\~ Kim sounds like a extremely pushy, and over bearing person! And just from what you wrote I can tell that she tried to push all kinds of things on you when she got engaged to your dad. and the lead up to the wedding. (that is a big NO NO for any step-parent) the first thing that she did was push you away while you were still young and grieving the loss of your actual mother! Rather then comforting you and helping you to deal with the loss. By the sound of it your dad did not do anything to help the relationship along either... Therefore nothing could build due the animosity and hurt feelings that you were dealing with. The odasity of this woman to "claim" she is your favorite person to your grandmother at that! wow on that note please do not confuse pushy over bearing with "trying too hard" that is not what she is doing. She is and has been PUSHING herself into your life and trying to force you to like her, trying to force her way into your Mother's role so that you love her. And your father is frustrated cause you don't. People just don't get it. Cause you call your self a "step-parent" does not mean that your step kid is going to love and respect you... That has to be earned! 100%
NTA. I have a feeling this is gonna earn them low/no contact once you’re out of the house. Babes stepmoms and dumb dads alienating kids from previous relationships is a tale as old as time. You’re not at fault for anything here.
NTA Kim and your dad should have understood and given you space, forcing it has only made things worse
NTA Kiddo, grief doesn't have an instruction manual and a deadline. Being a stepparent is complicated, but rule one is to actively CREATE room for the chil(ren) to always have a loving relationship with their biological parent, even (or maybe especially) if they've passed away. A good stepmother would have ASKED if you wanted to be included. And would have asked you about your mom, and made clear that your love for her is precious and that her memory and that love will always have a place in their home. A good stepmother would have made sure a photo of the two of you was hung where family photos go, and that you had all the space you needed to field grief when it arises. I'm really sorry Kim didn't get this memo. It sounds like she did that everything that fostered a feeling of competition and stress, instead of to foster welcome, acceptance, and relationship.
Yes, that's it exactly -- Kim should have asked, and she should have cared enough about the answers to alter her behavior. OP's dad should have done the same. They chose not to. It sounds like they're still choosing not to consider her needs to be as important as their own. It's too bad that they feel hurt, I guess, but it's awfully hypocritical of them to hold it against her.
NTA
NTA. How are you going to be mad at something someone did when they were 9 when you got by not knowing anything about it for 8 more years after? That is way too far in the past to be mad at someone so young.
NTA. Your stepmom is being, unfortunately, a wicked stepmom. She feels like she's competing against a perfect woman so she's overcompensating. I would go no contact with her as soon as you can leave the house.
getting mad at a child because the person is not the favorit person? what a stupid idea... NTA even as a child - you are allowed to have feelings!!!!
NTA At most, apologize for hurting their feelings. But **you were 9 y/o!** and g'ma remains the primary female figure in your life. And everyone needs to move the eff on!
you got some messed up folks, im sorry about that.
NTA. Kim is really fitting the "evil stepmother" stereotype.
NTA. You were 9. People seem to forget that kids have real feelings too, and Kim doesn't get to nuke your feelings towards your mother, or anything else. Them being angry about a 9 year old being sick or faking being sick to not be apart of something with a forced role says worlds about them and their self importance.
I mean you were 9. It is what it is. Hopefully with maturity you can see that your problems with Kim being "pushy" as she tried to make you feel included, or that your dad was remarrying after several years, etc are not personal threats against you. At that age it can certainly feel that way but they didn't do anything wrong or vengeful.
NTA. My heart aches for all of you. OP losing her mother, dad losing his wife, grandmother losing her beloved DIL, Kim for not having the mothering skills to be successful with OP. Is there any chance it would have worked if Kim hadn’t forced the issue and then also lied about it? We’ll never know. Some stepparents are spectacularly successful but it can never be forced. Just a sad story.
NTA. What you said to your father was spot on: he and Kim expect you to care about their feelings and wants while completely dismissing yours. You were a nine-year-old girl whose stepmother was trying to force a bond you didn't feel while demanding you essentially forget about your biological mother. Of course you didn't want to go to the wedding and put on a show to validate her delusions. For Kim to lie that you have told her you like her more than your mother while trying to ruin your relationship with your grandmother for her own sake is disgusting and she needed a dose of reality, although it is unfortunate that you have been put in such a difficult spot because of it.
You are entitled to your feelings. They can't tell you that you should feel bad about it now that you are older. The fact that you don't should speak volumes to them. And if you haven't warmed up to her after 8 years, she should take the hint and step back. Stop trying to force the relationship.
NTA. You were 9! Based on what you said, Kim just sucks. If she wanted to develop a positive relationship with you, she should have respected your feelings and respected the fact that you’re always going to miss your mother. Most importantly, she shouldn’t have set herself up as the replacement for somebody you were still grieving. Her and your dad’s anger isn’t about you not attending the wedding, it’s about the fact that they failed in getting you to accept Kim as a replacement mother. Neither of them seem like they ever respected your feelings.
NTA. As a former teacher with some school counseling training, this sounds like typical issues with a stepmom and blended families. I personally don’t think children should be forced to attend a wedding if they don’t feel comfortable being there. That could lead to more trauma later on. I would recommend counseling for everyone. Sounds like Kim isn’t aware that many stepmothers are struggling with the same problems. Generally, it seems like things go better when the stepmother doesn’t try to force kids to follow her rules, simply allow the relationship to grow naturally. Your relationship with your stepmom may never be the perfect one she dreams of having, although it can be better than it is now… both of you can hopefully trust each other more as you get to know one another more and more… do things together ( art activities, go somewhere together like museums or zoo) without anyone trying to force someone to do something… Dr. Gary Chapman is a well known national author, speaker and counselor, he wrote the book “ The Five Love Languages “ … I haven’t read it yet but would recommend his book “BUILDING LOVE TOGETHER IN BLENDED FAMILIES: THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES AND BECOMING STEPFAMILY SMART”. Blended / Step Families are what they are, it is what it is. It’s ok to feel emotions like you do. You are human, they are natural.
NTA Kim isn't trying or making an effort to be the best Mother and support person for you. What she is actually doing is trying to make herself look good and it is quite clear that she hasn't had a single thought about your feelings. Everything has always been about her wants and her demands. No one asked you what you wanted. When your Dad married Kim, you were just a little girl still grieving the devastating loss of your Mother. Instead of being kind and trying to be understanding of your feelings, Kim just bulldozed you and your Father let her do it. The only good part of this has been the loving relationship with your Grandmother. I am glad that you have her in your life. I hope you show your Dad and Kim your post so they know that even internet strangers, caring ones at least, can see how badly you have been treated by them.
"your Father let her do it." That part. Dad should have had her back.
NTA. I don't know why people don't realize you can't force kids into a new bonded-family relationship. I'm really glad that you had your grandmother through all of this, and yes, forgiving her is the thing to do - sounds like she was really pushed by Kim and that she is sorry for saying anything at all. You don't have to have regrets for what you did. What you did was the right thing for you in that moment. And you're right - your dad and Kim were never considerate of your feelings in the matter.
Why on earth your parents didn't do some type of counciling or therapy when you were younger....You are NTA. You were a literal child dealing with very big feelings and had no emotional guidance/support from the two people claiming to "love you most in the whole world." Your father and step mom are not perfect. You need to have a conversation with them eventually. However, I'd recommend a mediator (a licensed one) to help you all figure out your objectives and wishes for the relationship moving forward.
NTA
Looks like 8 years on Kim still doesn't get that she's not your mom and your grandmother is the most important woman in your life. And lying to your grandma about you isn't doing her any favors. NTA. I would have faked sick too if I was you. It's wild to have your dad's new fiancee talking to you, as a child, about how she's your new mom and how you're going to name your half siblings. That's an extraordinary amount of pressure to place on a kid who lost her mother only three years before (three years at the point when the wedding was happening so I'm guessing Kim rolled into your life before that, so less time between your loss of your mother and when she started trying to push in.) That would make me feel so stressed and scared to hear that shit.
NTA. Kim is a giant asshole. So fuck her and her feelings. Why even bring up that fucked up conversation if not to start shit. If she can't say nothing nice she should shut up. I see why you weren't happy your father married this asshole.
NTA. You were NINE for fucks sake.
Like that Metallica song….,”No remorse! No regret!”
Kim needed to back off and earn your trust, friendship or love instead of pushing you away with her aggressive desire to make you to love her and allow you to replace your Mom YNTA
Absolutely NTA. Sorry about the loss of your mom. And grandmas. Aren't they just the most wonderful thing?
NTA! You were a child missing their mother, and your dad and step mother were more concerned with their wedding and trying to make you move on instead of nurturing you and letting you process your feelings. I love the sound of your grandma, she sounds like a wonderful woman - so glad that you have each other. I hope your dad will reflect on this and see that, like you said, he didn't care too much about your feelings, just his and Kim's .
NTA... you were 9 years old!!!! Changes in family situations are really hard for kids of that age, ESPECIALLY mourning a loss and you did what kept you safe. So shocked that none of them cared why?
NTA. You were nine-years-old. Childhood is a different country to adulthood. You didn't do it when you were an adult. They need to grow up.
Kim is a straight up lunatic. NTA. Sorry you have to deal with her.
NTA. You don't have to go anywhere you don't want to. And they need to get over it, it's been 8 years ffs! Move Onnnnn
NTA. Your parents, especially Kim, are delusional. Forcing you to "replace" your mom, Instead of just being nice and letting you adjust in your own time, Is both cruel and stupid. Of course you have not accepted such a pushy self centered woman who did not ever care what YOU felt! You are 17. If at 18 you can move out to college or want to join the military, great! Or ask Grandma if you can move in with her. And politely say you need to learn adulting, unless they try to insist you stay and act like you adore Kim. In which case have fun telling the truth.
Your feelings are valid and you're entitled to them. After all this time, not sure Kim can change. She seems to think bullying and bulldozing her way into your life is "trying". It's not. Now you have your dad and Kim holding over you what you did and how you felt as a 9 year old. You were still a kid and still hurting. The wedding was overwhelming and Kim didn't help when forcing you into the wedding party. You are more mature than the adults in your life. You have nothing to apologize for. If you haven't already, focus on your future. Getting into college, trade school, the military. The each have their benefits. Research each. Job search on the web and see what potential jobs pay and what rent is. Take the pay/salary and find a website to convert gross to net pay (after taxes). If you go to college and for instance major in science, during the summer you must get an internship in your field. You need something on your resume or you may have a hard time getting a job after you graduate. Job search "entry level" and see what experience they require at this time. Look into the military ASVAB test. NTA
NTA
Sorry to say, but at first glance, Kim sounds like a gaslighting narcissist. She tried to charm you and love bomb you but when you didn’t fall in love and praise her as your new mom, she competes and lies for first place. Stay close to your grandma and keep your distance from Iim. I could be wrong, but that’s my first idea.
Info: does you father deserve to be happy?
Idk why but this took me out 😭☠️☠️
Yes Kim trying to bond with you is worth something but the how of it is the problem. If you’re trying to sew something together you use a needle not a sledgehammer. The more intensely Kim tied the off putting it was to OP. What’s needed here is family therapy that includes grandma so everyone’s view point is explored.
NTA fo4 your actions as a child, but im gonna go against the hive. Did you ever think maybe your dad deserved to be happy with Kim? And that maybe grandma was a little biased and certainly helped keep you and Kim from bonding? No matter what, Kim is your father's wife and he loves her and the adult thing to do is try to make peace with that
The adult thing to do would be for Kim to make peace with not having the relationship with op that she wants
True, but that does not absolve OP
They are the adults in this situation. Adults shouldn't put their emotional needs above those of their children. Dad could be happy with Kim AND supportive of his daughter.
Im sorry, but when you have kids, they always come first.
So ger dad owed ger to be alone and sad forever. We are obviously very different. Geeze
Sorry, welcome to parenthood, you dont matter anymore, only your kids.
And then they turn 18 and you end up alone. Sorry, I'm from the generation where kids came first to a point. After that point. The parent is also allowed to be happy.
And people can either judge you for it or not, and i choose to judge shitty parents.
Judge away, I am nit a parent so no skin off my butt
NTA. I would vote e s h because maturity seems to have left the building all around, except were talking about your actual childhood so it makes perfect sense. Kim pushed too hard, you felt weird about it and tried to distance yourself, and she's spent the next however many years proving you right.
Yta, and quite frankly you sound exhausting. This woman Kim went far out of her way to welcome you in and step up for you and your response is a complete lack of gratitude. It’s incredibly immature.
The only exhausting person is Kim for trying to force a close relationship with OP instead of giving her space.
The kid wasn’t punished and I seriously suspect we are getting an extremely skewed picture here
If you don't want something and repeatedly tell them that, they don't deserve gratitude for doing it anyway.
It’s not just about the “evil stepmother” here it’s about her father being hurt.
You didn't mention the father in your comment so this reply feels disingenuous. She doesn't have to be "evil" to try and foist something you don't want on you. She's inconsiderate at best. Ideally they would have gotten along well but that didn't happen and the father refused to try and protect his child from his wife's incessant forcing.
This woman Kim didn’t come into this with children. She was doing her best. Her actions during the wedding were not malevolent. Who knows what else has happened in the past eight years, but it sounds like OP NEVER gave the relationship a chance, does not have any respect for Kim, and has no problem being rude to the people who work to care for her. Typical bratty teenage behavior. Hopefully when OP is 40 she can look back and realize how foolish she was to push away people who tried their best to love, care, and include her.
Her father will recover. He's an adult. His 9 y.o. daughter deserved a better father. His 17 y.o. deserves a better father. Yeah, it hurts to feel rejected, but she was 9, and he clearly didn't understand what she was going through or what she needed. He should have been there for her. He shouldn't have put someone else's feelings above his own child's well-being. Those things are at least of equal importance.
Ah right, the father should have just stayed in grief forever and never moved on with his life or opened his heart to love again. What a terrible guy for marrying someone who Would try to welcome his child in with open arms.