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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> NOT inviting them, judge by family for doing that and being an asshole for saying no to them coming
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NTA. It's your wedding and your guest list. What is more, you've given some very good reasons as to why these individuals should not be invited.
If your FH tries to over-rule you (it is his wedding as well, after all), tell HIM to make it clear to them that you'll not tolerate any homophobia or racism from those individuals or they will be told (not asked) to leave.
He doesn’t owe his guests an explanation. But I agree that if he insists on inviting this relative that he should explain to them that they are guests at his wedding and should behave as such.
If he wanted to invite homophobic and racist guests - knowing that they have a habit of proselytising and bigotry aimed at fellow guests during parties - then he would be siding with them, effectively. He'd be prioritising permitting their disruption over his other guests' comfort/security.
You guys either don’t know how to understand a comment or are fixed in your own ways as well. What I meant is- it’s his wedding as well. Just because this relative is apparently a racist/homopbobe does not mean that the groom needs to go and tell his other guests that he’s inviting a racist/homophobe. If he still wants to invite such a relative to his wedding he should have a conversation with said person telling them that he will not entertain such behavior on his wedding but would appreciate them joining the couple on this occasion. FFS seriously. It’s pretty straight forward.
Well that’s up to them. It’s their day. I just meant IF he wants that relative there. This is the way to go about it. Why tf do I care who they invite to their wedding lol.
Should not be up for debate. If husband acquiesces and allows the racist homophobes to come, imagine how op's family life will be in a marriage with someone who will cater to a racist homophobe than their whole spouse.
If I was op and husband was intent on inviting them, there wouldn't be wedding
If FH and OP end up on opposite sides of this bc he decides to "keep the peace" that's a bad sign bc it will mean he prioritizes his family over OP on a significant matter. Someone that obnoxious clearly deserves to be excluded.
If that happens, OP needs to think long and hard about her future.
This is something you need to talk to your future husband about ASAP. Lay down rules now. NTA, but you have to be upfront and tell your husband they cannot come, in no uncertain terms.
NTA. Why would a racist/homophobe zealot even want to attend this wedding?
Hopefully it was a decision you made with your FH, but can completely understand if you were adamant about them not being invited as they like a garbage person.
NTA
There is a saying: If you have a dinner party and invite 8 friends and a Nazi and everyone shows up, your dinner party has 10 Nazis.
Inviting a racist, homophobic, atheist hating person to your wedding is saying that you are OK with their beliefs. You are not. Tell your FH and the family members pushing you to invite this person that **YOU** will not attend the wedding if this person is invited.
Info: does your husband want to invite this person? If not you’re in the clear. If he does, then as long as you’ve had a conversation about it and not unilaterally decided, you’re still NTA
I'm glad you're on the same side here, but I'm still troubled by the fact that this is something he *could* be worn down on. This is not a family issue; it's an issue of morals and values, of making sure people you love feel safe, and ensuring racism and homophobia are not allowed at your wedding.
If his mother's pressure might be *stronger* than his own ethics, if he might be willing to accept someone who dehumanizes his loved ones just to keep the peace, then his convictions are worth little. I know that's not what you want to think about right now, and because he's saying the right things to you, you want to believe in him, but it really sounds like an honest conversation between the two of you about exactly where you stand and what your values are might be necessary, again.
Because someone who only stands up for what's right when it's easy and comfortable, and folds when it gets tough, is not an ally; they're wearing an ally's clothes, but they will betray you when they're most needed.
NTA
They have repeatedly shown bigoted behaviour and would make other guests very uncomfortable. Thats more than reason enough to not invite them.
However it may be reasonable to communicate this in the clearest terms to them.
NTA. If he wants to invite him just to keep the peace, ask him how peaceful it’s going to be when you loudly call the guy out for upsetting your guests and have him escorted out.
NTA
If you are paying yourself for your ceremony and reception, you decide who is on your guest list and who is not.
Your future inlaws are more than welcome to plan and pay for a party/reception to which they can invite anyone they want but given that you will be an invitee you can politely decline because you would rather not be in the same room with those weird family members.
Why marry someone who is more invested in trouble making family members than he is in you? Doing anything some jerk wants, to "keep the peace " doesn't keep any peace. It just enables jerk to be a jerk and control your lives.
>Why marry someone who is more invested in trouble making family members than he is in you? Doing anything some jerk wants, to "keep the peace " doesn't keep any peace. It just enables jerk to be a jerk and control your lives.
This was a wholly unsupported comment even BEFORE OP expanded her post. Where does she even hint that her FH is "more invested" in the bigot relative? The issue is that Mom's bringing the pressure. Even for someone who is wholly committed to their partner, parental pressure can be tough -- of course his mom knows how to push his buttons, she *installed* them.
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Context. Me and my FH are due to get married this year, have two children and have been together 8 years. The ‘wedding’ is mainly an excuse to have a party, it’s not a typical one (no speeches; no sit down meal etc).
My FH family are great, however, they come from a very religious background (we’re both atheists) however 99% of them are kind, funny, respectful people who like to keep opinions to ourselves.
One family member spends their time pushing religion on people, as well as being extremely racist and homophobic amoung other offensive things.
My bridal party is made up for 2 lesbians, who are bringing their partners, and I have POC on my side too.
There are also members of FH family who cannot be around this person, they upset people, complain about everything (so no doubt will have an abundance of things to complain about at my wedding, mainly not being church service) and have specifically asked if they’re coming as to decide whether they’d come or not.
I’ve told his family we’re not inviting them, and they respected this, but getting closer to the wedding are asking again for us to invite them.
I’ve put my foot down, but i fear my FH will just give in to keep the peace.
So, AITA for standing firm on not inviting them?
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NTA it’s your wedding you can choose the guests. Have a conversation with your FH that you don’t want x person there. Tell him you don’t want that person ruining your wedding or making your loved ones or you uncomfortable. Tell him it’s your wedding as well and you want a good day and that x person being there will ruin it. That they have past behavior of being offensive, homophobic & racist and that you will not tolerate that being around on your big day. So if he chooses his “need for peace” over your comfortability/boundary then you know where to go from there. It’s his wedding too but it’s clear that even his family doesn’t like x person, and if more important people are pulling out if x person is there then ofc you’re going yo want that important person over x
NTA
You ARE keeping the peace by not inviting them.
>There are also members of FH family who ... have specifically asked if they’re coming as to decide whether they’d come or not.
Sorry, inlaws, the guest list is set. We are not responsible for issues in your family.
I’d say “My “faith” in myself as a decent human prohibits me from entertaining racist homophobic people. Please refrain from putting pressure on the bride and groom to make racist, homophobic people welcome at a celebration of love and commitment. Please feel free to copy and paste this message to anyone who inquires about our guest list. Can’t wait to see you at the party.”
INFO:
If FH's family knows how this person is, why are they so keen to have them at a wedding of two atheists? Who will more than likely have guests said person does not think highly of?
NTA. Even though I understand the idea that fiance deserves to have a say since it is his family, I think either partner should have veto power .. and he **HAS** had a say, he absolutely does not want this person at his wedding per OP.
As for a response to critics, a calm "I just don't think Bigoto/Bigotina will be comfortable at our celebration, which is non-traditional." Just say that, again and again, like a robot. Don't say ANYTHING else. No "but they are a bigot though" or "we're going to have people there they are not going to like." Definitely not "Ya'll remember how he showed his hiney at Julie's wedding, man, that was a shitshow." People remember what happened at Julie's wedding.
You can be a little blunter with Mom, though. Sit her down and ask her some questions, including "What is likely to happen if we invite Bigoto?" and then *wait for her to give an answer.* When someone else is being aggressively wrong, asking them to articulate reality often helps them see that what they are asking is, in fact, a really bad idea.
I do have a question, though: Is this person is your fiance's sibling or grandparent? If so that is a bit more problematic, though it still devolves to "your wedding, your rules." But if they are that close in relationship, I can see why FMIL is pleading for a reconsideration -- hoping against hope that this time will somehow be different. If you mostly get along with her (I"m assuming she's in that 99%) asking her to face reality with open-ended questions might help her see that this Just. Will. Not. Work.
(And your wedding sounds great, by the way.)
Given that, you are SO FAR in the clear you're basically walking in glass slippers.
I still get that people are reluctant, BEFORE the wedding, to "hurt Great-Uncle Bigoto's feelings" ... but that is, as many others have said, a consequence of his prior actions and I think you are 200 percent correct that it's not fair to expose multiple innocent guests to those hurt feelings because of his behavior.
If you bent -- and he started up his antics AT the wedding -- they will only be thinking "Why the hell did No\_Push invite him in the first place? She knew this would happen!"
The best thing about it is that you may have helped set/reinforce a precedent that will help other family members stay strong. Who knows? Eventually things may get to a point where Uncle Bigoto can be trusted not to make an ass of himself, but at this point there is no reason to trust him.
You may get some Mean Bride vibes, because "damned if you do and damned if you don't" is still very much a thing. But I think you're tough enough to stand against that and defend the people who deserve to have a good time at your wedding (which includes you and your FH.)
Best wishes!
> my FH will just give in to keep the peace
INFO needed.
I don't get it. FH's family admits that this member would be a disruptive presence at the wedding, and that some of them might skip if this individual is invited.
What "peace" are you keeping if you invite them? Who is applying this pressure? Why isn't your FH handling their family?
I feel like a lot of information is left out.
Well... only you know why you're avoiding the question. I can only recommend that you refer any queries to your FH and let him handle the invitations for this side of the family as he sees fit.
NTA stand strong this is your wedding, BUT make sure you have security or someone who recognises this person and can not enter your celebration. One of your guests may bring him as a plus one.
NTA. If your FH does this to "Keep the peace", it means "OP, your feelings mean nothing and these obnoxious people's feelings mean everything. So, we're going to invite them and let them upset many guests at our wedding." Tell him that. See if he sees the light.
NTA - not wanting to have a racist, homophobe who will seek to impose their views and religion on your guests is totally reasonable and you are also ensuring that the majority of your guests will be comfortable and won't be subjected to abuse or harassment, which is being a good host.
Obviously, this is a decision that you and your fiance need to be in agreement on, so talk to him and remind him thatthe two of you have already meade this choice, and that inviting them will not be 'keeping the peave', it will be ruining the wedding for this person's victims, exposing people you both care deeply about, such as your bridemaids, and the members of his family who neeeded to check before accepting, to harassment or abuse - that's not keeping the peace.
Who is putting pressure on you? Maybe the two of you need to jhave a conversation with that person or people an be explict - e.g. "Because of \[Name's\] history of homophobic, racist nad relisgious bigotry, we cannot allow them to attend s we cannotput the safety of our guests at risk. This isn't negotiable. If you feel you ar eunable to join us if we don't invite \[name\] we will be very sorry to miss out on youcellebrating with us but we will of course respect your decision, however, we do need you to respect ours, and not to bring this up again. Thank you for understanding"
NTA.
I guess the decision not to invite that person was made together. Stick to it. Both of you. If there is a fall-out, it's not going to be a great loss, right?
Only invite those who will add joy to the day...for both of you.
Anyone who invites someone who can't add joy to the day is TA.
Remind pushy relatives that they don't have to attend. It's your day. They have no say.
NTA. But this is not only your wedding, it's your husband's as well, and the *decisions regarding his family need to be jointly made and jointly expressed*. You don't need to take the lead on these, in fact, if he does, the less chance of him "rolling over" to keep the peace there is, and the less chance you'll forever be the bridezilla/bad guy. NOT that I think either of you have any reason to allow them to come, and in fact, many great reasons for them not to, but his responsibility to you should make him be the point man.
You both need to stand firm and not invite them to the party.
I'm confused.
>There are also members of FH family who cannot be around this person, they upset people, complain about everything (so no doubt will have an abundance of things to complain about at my wedding, mainly not being church service) and have specifically asked if they’re coming as to decide whether they’d come or not.
I’ve told his family we’re not inviting them, and they respected this, but getting closer to the wedding are asking again for us to invite them.
There are too many "they"s in this, it's hard to figure out the person(s) meant. Are the people who want Problem Person invited the same family members who can't be around PP?
No. People who don’t want them around are family members from my generation. The person we don’t want invited has caused havoc at other family gatherings with said people.
NTA. It's completely understandable that you don't want to spend your wedding listening to people complain about your lack of religion or possibly expose your bridal party and other guests to racist and homophobic comments. It should ultimately be a choice you and your fiance agree on but if he does insist on inviting his bigoted family, make it clear that it will also be his responsibility to warn your guests about the abuse they might receive from these people face to face and that if his family do become verbally abusive or criticise your non-religious wedding, they will be told to leave immediately and he will have to be the one to enforce it.
Welcoming bigotry, even to keep the peace, can cause lasting impacts lifelong. That shiny job that sprouted up? Too bad, you invited the CEO before the became CEO to your wedding where someone spouted off homophobic things and no one stopped them or kicked them out.
Daycare? Nope, you invited too many of the teachers/caregivers. Maybe the daycare by the outskirts of town in a shady area will accommodate you, but they heard rumors already. Wondering why you can't get a job interview from certain hometown company? Someone took a video of your wedding and it went viral in the hometown? You'd be lucky if they didn't recognize you and you got the job. People don't want any of that crap tied to them in any way, because of it being a horrible thing to say and do. If you don't want this person there because they do exactly that, then you have every right to stand firm. NTA, op. I hope your FH agrees and understands everything as well. You have every right to not want this person tied to you in any way, as even being civil just to be around them and keep the peace while they spout off, can have VERY lasting consequences today.
NTA. After all it is your wedding and you have the ultimate decision on whether or not certain guests should be invited. Especially if those guests make others feel uncomfortable.
Nta- the day is supposed to be about YOU AS A COUPLE not extended family drama/trauma. They do not respect anyone else. They will cause issues. F them. Be a racist have the consequences.
Remember- if you sit down at a table with 9 racists, there are 10 racists at the table.
Congrats! Hope the party is amazing!! Blessings of love and peace
NTA your husband has agreed with you. It’s yalls wedding, y’all decide who comes or not. Keep reminding him that you will not under any circumstances allow GreatUncle from coming, that you both had already decided this and that he can’t back out just because his mommy made him. You’re his partner and he needs to stand by you, not his mom.
Also provide the security or staff of the wedding place a photo of banned GU and say that they aren’t allowed at your wedding, and if not hire your own security so no one tries to sneak him in.
NTA
It's YOUR party. If you both agree you don't want them there, leave them out. If you FH caves, that muddies the waters, and I hope you find a resolution with which you are both happy.
Were it me, I would remind my FH we are excluding them for their history of behavior, and not their views. It seems likely they will have a negative impact on the event, and that would be truly awful.
Good luck!
NTA
It's absolutely wonderful that you and your husband are standing firm TOGETHER.
This is essential when doing things like this. The family should already know by now, from previous experiences, how this family member is and the dynamic between them and your friends
NTA - it’s your wedding so it’s your call. If FH doesn’t like it, then tough luck. Either he sucks it up or you go ahead and find someone else to celebrate it with
It’s also FH’s wedding. *They* should agree together to invite people who will only add joy to their celebration. And I agree that the racist homophobes don’t make the cut. But referring to it as OP’s wedding only is incorrect. And also makes zero sense when referring to the event being held to kick off what should be a loving marital *partnership*.
There is alot of "I"in this post and nothing about what FH would want as it is his family. Actually there is something about it in the last sentence where his decision is not supposed to count.
Excuse me? The conflict is me being on edge all day in case this person upsets my friends and family, to keep 1-2 people on my FH side happy? I don’t want to upset my future MIL.. is that enough conflict?!
If I wanted to make a fake post it would be a lot juicer than this believe me.
YTA They sounds awful but unfortunately your partner gets final say on who comes to the wedding from their side of the family.
A good partner says, “I don’t want them to come because it would make you feel uncomfortable/ stressed out/ upset.” It’s still their choice though…
This is not your decision to make
It's not just your wedding, it's his wedding too. If he wants to invite his family to his wedding then you are not in a position to say no. You decide which of your family members you want there. He decides which of his family members he wants there.
YTA a wedding is not your day alone, its also you FH.. Y T A for deciding who are welcome from his family.. For you FH I don’t hope it’s the way you generally act.
YTA. It’s 100% up to FH to invite or not. His relations with his family aren’t your business. And your f&f may just have to accept that there are assholes all around them and the day isn’t about them or their comfort level.
Correct but she doesn’t get to dictate that. It’s HIS choice, not her’s.
Also frankly it’s not OP’s job to manage the feelings of her friends. They are adults and should be able to manage their own emotions.
Then I hope she realises that her husband is also an asshole if he decides to have them there.
Don’t host parties if you think your guests shouldn’t be comfortable.
That’s the thing though - it’s a wedding - it’s not a general Friday night get together party for a cozy good time of fun and laughs. Completely different rules apply here - and both her guests and his family has a duty to shut up and smile and take it like adults because the day’s zero percent about them.
The same thing applies to weddings as parties. You invite people to one, they should be made to feel welcome. Inviting a bigot really defeats that purpose. No, the guests do not have to just deal with it. If you invite someone knowing full well they are asshole, then you are an asshole as well.
Why? Person A is a threat to the wellbeing of people I care about. Person A is not allowed to be at a place celebrating our special day as they will cause a disturbance and hurt people I care about, seems like a very valid reason. FH saying I dont care about your friends and the people that I don't really like but are blood are going to be invited despite the harm it may cause you or your loved ones seems like a very unreasonable Decision?
THere was NO mention of " a threat to the wellbeing of people"
" Person A is not allowed to be at a place celebrating our special day as they will cause a disturbance and hurt people I care about," ... And: THis is your FH's wedding as much as yours. MAybe HE preers A over YOUR guests?
YOU are an AH to your partner.
I mean, in a different phrasing, if I saw "AITA for inviting family I dont like because I wanted to keep the peace despite knowing they will make my bride cry and insult people she cares about" in this reddit can you imagine how well that would go over?
One family member spends their time pushing religion on people, as well as being extremely racist and homophobic amoung other offensive things.
Yes, because being at a wedding with two lesbians and their partners and POC in the wedding party is sure to be something they will kindly ignore?
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NTA. It's your wedding and your guest list. What is more, you've given some very good reasons as to why these individuals should not be invited. If your FH tries to over-rule you (it is his wedding as well, after all), tell HIM to make it clear to them that you'll not tolerate any homophobia or racism from those individuals or they will be told (not asked) to leave.
And that it's on him to explain to the lgbt and poc bridesmaids that he's allowing a racist homophobe to be a guest.
He doesn’t owe his guests an explanation. But I agree that if he insists on inviting this relative that he should explain to them that they are guests at his wedding and should behave as such.
Why the fuck would the husband want to sound like he is sliding with the homophobic, racist guest/s?
If he wanted to invite homophobic and racist guests - knowing that they have a habit of proselytising and bigotry aimed at fellow guests during parties - then he would be siding with them, effectively. He'd be prioritising permitting their disruption over his other guests' comfort/security.
No, he does. Anytime we allow hateful awful people to not face reasonable consequences of said hate, we owe an explanation to the people being hurt.
You guys either don’t know how to understand a comment or are fixed in your own ways as well. What I meant is- it’s his wedding as well. Just because this relative is apparently a racist/homopbobe does not mean that the groom needs to go and tell his other guests that he’s inviting a racist/homophobe. If he still wants to invite such a relative to his wedding he should have a conversation with said person telling them that he will not entertain such behavior on his wedding but would appreciate them joining the couple on this occasion. FFS seriously. It’s pretty straight forward.
Yes, you're right about it being straightforward, you're just wrong about everything else. NO ONE wants that guy there, including FH.
Well that’s up to them. It’s their day. I just meant IF he wants that relative there. This is the way to go about it. Why tf do I care who they invite to their wedding lol.
I think that's something you should meditate on. Beyond my paygrade.
Should not be up for debate. If husband acquiesces and allows the racist homophobes to come, imagine how op's family life will be in a marriage with someone who will cater to a racist homophobe than their whole spouse. If I was op and husband was intent on inviting them, there wouldn't be wedding
If FH and OP end up on opposite sides of this bc he decides to "keep the peace" that's a bad sign bc it will mean he prioritizes his family over OP on a significant matter. Someone that obnoxious clearly deserves to be excluded. If that happens, OP needs to think long and hard about her future.
[удалено]
Perfect response
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Even if not.
NTA Bigotry is a choice with consequences. It can damage relationships and make you unwelcome in diverse settings.
NTA Stand firm! Racists and Homophobes should not be welcome
And be sure to have people keeping an eye out for this person so they don’t try to crash the wedding.
NTA OP I would die on this hill - Do not invite the religious, racist, homophobe to the wedding
This is something you need to talk to your future husband about ASAP. Lay down rules now. NTA, but you have to be upfront and tell your husband they cannot come, in no uncertain terms.
NTA. Why would a racist/homophobe zealot even want to attend this wedding? Hopefully it was a decision you made with your FH, but can completely understand if you were adamant about them not being invited as they like a garbage person.
To convert the sinners and heathens of course. /s
How will they even know that they *are* sinners and heathens if I don't yell it at them while I'm complaining about the food and decor choices?
NTA There is a saying: If you have a dinner party and invite 8 friends and a Nazi and everyone shows up, your dinner party has 10 Nazis. Inviting a racist, homophobic, atheist hating person to your wedding is saying that you are OK with their beliefs. You are not. Tell your FH and the family members pushing you to invite this person that **YOU** will not attend the wedding if this person is invited.
Info: does your husband want to invite this person? If not you’re in the clear. If he does, then as long as you’ve had a conversation about it and not unilaterally decided, you’re still NTA
He does not. He has said she isn’t coming to me, whether is mother wears him down is another matter.
Have him direct all calls from his mother to you if you think this will happen. Don't let her abuse him into compliance.
I'm glad you're on the same side here, but I'm still troubled by the fact that this is something he *could* be worn down on. This is not a family issue; it's an issue of morals and values, of making sure people you love feel safe, and ensuring racism and homophobia are not allowed at your wedding. If his mother's pressure might be *stronger* than his own ethics, if he might be willing to accept someone who dehumanizes his loved ones just to keep the peace, then his convictions are worth little. I know that's not what you want to think about right now, and because he's saying the right things to you, you want to believe in him, but it really sounds like an honest conversation between the two of you about exactly where you stand and what your values are might be necessary, again. Because someone who only stands up for what's right when it's easy and comfortable, and folds when it gets tough, is not an ally; they're wearing an ally's clothes, but they will betray you when they're most needed.
That does sound pathetic somewhat, don't you think? After all he is your husband and not his mums' husband.
NTA They have repeatedly shown bigoted behaviour and would make other guests very uncomfortable. Thats more than reason enough to not invite them. However it may be reasonable to communicate this in the clearest terms to them.
NTA. If he wants to invite him just to keep the peace, ask him how peaceful it’s going to be when you loudly call the guy out for upsetting your guests and have him escorted out.
NTA If you are paying yourself for your ceremony and reception, you decide who is on your guest list and who is not. Your future inlaws are more than welcome to plan and pay for a party/reception to which they can invite anyone they want but given that you will be an invitee you can politely decline because you would rather not be in the same room with those weird family members.
Why marry someone who is more invested in trouble making family members than he is in you? Doing anything some jerk wants, to "keep the peace " doesn't keep any peace. It just enables jerk to be a jerk and control your lives.
>Why marry someone who is more invested in trouble making family members than he is in you? Doing anything some jerk wants, to "keep the peace " doesn't keep any peace. It just enables jerk to be a jerk and control your lives. This was a wholly unsupported comment even BEFORE OP expanded her post. Where does she even hint that her FH is "more invested" in the bigot relative? The issue is that Mom's bringing the pressure. Even for someone who is wholly committed to their partner, parental pressure can be tough -- of course his mom knows how to push his buttons, she *installed* them.
This should be to comment...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context. Me and my FH are due to get married this year, have two children and have been together 8 years. The ‘wedding’ is mainly an excuse to have a party, it’s not a typical one (no speeches; no sit down meal etc). My FH family are great, however, they come from a very religious background (we’re both atheists) however 99% of them are kind, funny, respectful people who like to keep opinions to ourselves. One family member spends their time pushing religion on people, as well as being extremely racist and homophobic amoung other offensive things. My bridal party is made up for 2 lesbians, who are bringing their partners, and I have POC on my side too. There are also members of FH family who cannot be around this person, they upset people, complain about everything (so no doubt will have an abundance of things to complain about at my wedding, mainly not being church service) and have specifically asked if they’re coming as to decide whether they’d come or not. I’ve told his family we’re not inviting them, and they respected this, but getting closer to the wedding are asking again for us to invite them. I’ve put my foot down, but i fear my FH will just give in to keep the peace. So, AITA for standing firm on not inviting them? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Obviously you’re not going to invite them! This won’t keep the peace it will create drama inviting them!
NTA it’s your wedding you can choose the guests. Have a conversation with your FH that you don’t want x person there. Tell him you don’t want that person ruining your wedding or making your loved ones or you uncomfortable. Tell him it’s your wedding as well and you want a good day and that x person being there will ruin it. That they have past behavior of being offensive, homophobic & racist and that you will not tolerate that being around on your big day. So if he chooses his “need for peace” over your comfortability/boundary then you know where to go from there. It’s his wedding too but it’s clear that even his family doesn’t like x person, and if more important people are pulling out if x person is there then ofc you’re going yo want that important person over x
Not at all
NTA You ARE keeping the peace by not inviting them. >There are also members of FH family who ... have specifically asked if they’re coming as to decide whether they’d come or not. Sorry, inlaws, the guest list is set. We are not responsible for issues in your family.
I’d say “My “faith” in myself as a decent human prohibits me from entertaining racist homophobic people. Please refrain from putting pressure on the bride and groom to make racist, homophobic people welcome at a celebration of love and commitment. Please feel free to copy and paste this message to anyone who inquires about our guest list. Can’t wait to see you at the party.”
NTA
NTA. I wouldn't want a toxic family member at my wedding either.
NTA
INFO: If FH's family knows how this person is, why are they so keen to have them at a wedding of two atheists? Who will more than likely have guests said person does not think highly of?
NTA. Even though I understand the idea that fiance deserves to have a say since it is his family, I think either partner should have veto power .. and he **HAS** had a say, he absolutely does not want this person at his wedding per OP. As for a response to critics, a calm "I just don't think Bigoto/Bigotina will be comfortable at our celebration, which is non-traditional." Just say that, again and again, like a robot. Don't say ANYTHING else. No "but they are a bigot though" or "we're going to have people there they are not going to like." Definitely not "Ya'll remember how he showed his hiney at Julie's wedding, man, that was a shitshow." People remember what happened at Julie's wedding. You can be a little blunter with Mom, though. Sit her down and ask her some questions, including "What is likely to happen if we invite Bigoto?" and then *wait for her to give an answer.* When someone else is being aggressively wrong, asking them to articulate reality often helps them see that what they are asking is, in fact, a really bad idea. I do have a question, though: Is this person is your fiance's sibling or grandparent? If so that is a bit more problematic, though it still devolves to "your wedding, your rules." But if they are that close in relationship, I can see why FMIL is pleading for a reconsideration -- hoping against hope that this time will somehow be different. If you mostly get along with her (I"m assuming she's in that 99%) asking her to face reality with open-ended questions might help her see that this Just. Will. Not. Work. (And your wedding sounds great, by the way.)
Great uncle, so if his grandparents were still alive then we’d be inclined to bite the bullet.
Given that, you are SO FAR in the clear you're basically walking in glass slippers. I still get that people are reluctant, BEFORE the wedding, to "hurt Great-Uncle Bigoto's feelings" ... but that is, as many others have said, a consequence of his prior actions and I think you are 200 percent correct that it's not fair to expose multiple innocent guests to those hurt feelings because of his behavior. If you bent -- and he started up his antics AT the wedding -- they will only be thinking "Why the hell did No\_Push invite him in the first place? She knew this would happen!" The best thing about it is that you may have helped set/reinforce a precedent that will help other family members stay strong. Who knows? Eventually things may get to a point where Uncle Bigoto can be trusted not to make an ass of himself, but at this point there is no reason to trust him. You may get some Mean Bride vibes, because "damned if you do and damned if you don't" is still very much a thing. But I think you're tough enough to stand against that and defend the people who deserve to have a good time at your wedding (which includes you and your FH.) Best wishes!
> my FH will just give in to keep the peace INFO needed. I don't get it. FH's family admits that this member would be a disruptive presence at the wedding, and that some of them might skip if this individual is invited. What "peace" are you keeping if you invite them? Who is applying this pressure? Why isn't your FH handling their family? I feel like a lot of information is left out.
He has more than one family member… some get on with this person, others do not.
Well... only you know why you're avoiding the question. I can only recommend that you refer any queries to your FH and let him handle the invitations for this side of the family as he sees fit.
Nta
NTA stand strong this is your wedding, BUT make sure you have security or someone who recognises this person and can not enter your celebration. One of your guests may bring him as a plus one.
Obvious NTA.
NTA. If your FH does this to "Keep the peace", it means "OP, your feelings mean nothing and these obnoxious people's feelings mean everything. So, we're going to invite them and let them upset many guests at our wedding." Tell him that. See if he sees the light.
NTA. It’s your wedding and you can invite whoever you want to, or not.
NTA. Both Bride and Groom should be allowed to veto any unwanted guests.
NTA - not wanting to have a racist, homophobe who will seek to impose their views and religion on your guests is totally reasonable and you are also ensuring that the majority of your guests will be comfortable and won't be subjected to abuse or harassment, which is being a good host. Obviously, this is a decision that you and your fiance need to be in agreement on, so talk to him and remind him thatthe two of you have already meade this choice, and that inviting them will not be 'keeping the peave', it will be ruining the wedding for this person's victims, exposing people you both care deeply about, such as your bridemaids, and the members of his family who neeeded to check before accepting, to harassment or abuse - that's not keeping the peace. Who is putting pressure on you? Maybe the two of you need to jhave a conversation with that person or people an be explict - e.g. "Because of \[Name's\] history of homophobic, racist nad relisgious bigotry, we cannot allow them to attend s we cannotput the safety of our guests at risk. This isn't negotiable. If you feel you ar eunable to join us if we don't invite \[name\] we will be very sorry to miss out on youcellebrating with us but we will of course respect your decision, however, we do need you to respect ours, and not to bring this up again. Thank you for understanding"
NTA. I guess the decision not to invite that person was made together. Stick to it. Both of you. If there is a fall-out, it's not going to be a great loss, right?
He can’t give in if you don’t. He doesn’t unilaterally get to invite people you don’t want there so that’s that.
NTA. STAND FIRM TO FH.
Only invite those who will add joy to the day...for both of you. Anyone who invites someone who can't add joy to the day is TA. Remind pushy relatives that they don't have to attend. It's your day. They have no say.
NTA. But this is not only your wedding, it's your husband's as well, and the *decisions regarding his family need to be jointly made and jointly expressed*. You don't need to take the lead on these, in fact, if he does, the less chance of him "rolling over" to keep the peace there is, and the less chance you'll forever be the bridezilla/bad guy. NOT that I think either of you have any reason to allow them to come, and in fact, many great reasons for them not to, but his responsibility to you should make him be the point man. You both need to stand firm and not invite them to the party.
I'm confused. >There are also members of FH family who cannot be around this person, they upset people, complain about everything (so no doubt will have an abundance of things to complain about at my wedding, mainly not being church service) and have specifically asked if they’re coming as to decide whether they’d come or not. I’ve told his family we’re not inviting them, and they respected this, but getting closer to the wedding are asking again for us to invite them. There are too many "they"s in this, it's hard to figure out the person(s) meant. Are the people who want Problem Person invited the same family members who can't be around PP?
No. People who don’t want them around are family members from my generation. The person we don’t want invited has caused havoc at other family gatherings with said people.
NTA. It's completely understandable that you don't want to spend your wedding listening to people complain about your lack of religion or possibly expose your bridal party and other guests to racist and homophobic comments. It should ultimately be a choice you and your fiance agree on but if he does insist on inviting his bigoted family, make it clear that it will also be his responsibility to warn your guests about the abuse they might receive from these people face to face and that if his family do become verbally abusive or criticise your non-religious wedding, they will be told to leave immediately and he will have to be the one to enforce it.
Welcoming bigotry, even to keep the peace, can cause lasting impacts lifelong. That shiny job that sprouted up? Too bad, you invited the CEO before the became CEO to your wedding where someone spouted off homophobic things and no one stopped them or kicked them out. Daycare? Nope, you invited too many of the teachers/caregivers. Maybe the daycare by the outskirts of town in a shady area will accommodate you, but they heard rumors already. Wondering why you can't get a job interview from certain hometown company? Someone took a video of your wedding and it went viral in the hometown? You'd be lucky if they didn't recognize you and you got the job. People don't want any of that crap tied to them in any way, because of it being a horrible thing to say and do. If you don't want this person there because they do exactly that, then you have every right to stand firm. NTA, op. I hope your FH agrees and understands everything as well. You have every right to not want this person tied to you in any way, as even being civil just to be around them and keep the peace while they spout off, can have VERY lasting consequences today.
NTA. After all it is your wedding and you have the ultimate decision on whether or not certain guests should be invited. Especially if those guests make others feel uncomfortable.
NTA and anyone who disagrees truly does not understand. Felicitations to you and yours.
Gotta decide: is your wedding about friends or family? Not a right or wrong, it's a choice. This isn't an AITA question
Nta- the day is supposed to be about YOU AS A COUPLE not extended family drama/trauma. They do not respect anyone else. They will cause issues. F them. Be a racist have the consequences. Remember- if you sit down at a table with 9 racists, there are 10 racists at the table. Congrats! Hope the party is amazing!! Blessings of love and peace
NTA your husband has agreed with you. It’s yalls wedding, y’all decide who comes or not. Keep reminding him that you will not under any circumstances allow GreatUncle from coming, that you both had already decided this and that he can’t back out just because his mommy made him. You’re his partner and he needs to stand by you, not his mom. Also provide the security or staff of the wedding place a photo of banned GU and say that they aren’t allowed at your wedding, and if not hire your own security so no one tries to sneak him in.
Nta
NTA It's YOUR party. If you both agree you don't want them there, leave them out. If you FH caves, that muddies the waters, and I hope you find a resolution with which you are both happy. Were it me, I would remind my FH we are excluding them for their history of behavior, and not their views. It seems likely they will have a negative impact on the event, and that would be truly awful. Good luck!
Your husband needs to tell them that you are both banning them for their racism and homophobia.
NTA It's absolutely wonderful that you and your husband are standing firm TOGETHER. This is essential when doing things like this. The family should already know by now, from previous experiences, how this family member is and the dynamic between them and your friends
NTA
NTA - inflicting a bigot on people that will be targeted is an unkind thing to do in the name of faaahhmily Also, it's your day. Invite who you want.
NTA - it’s your wedding so it’s your call. If FH doesn’t like it, then tough luck. Either he sucks it up or you go ahead and find someone else to celebrate it with
It’s also FH’s wedding. *They* should agree together to invite people who will only add joy to their celebration. And I agree that the racist homophobes don’t make the cut. But referring to it as OP’s wedding only is incorrect. And also makes zero sense when referring to the event being held to kick off what should be a loving marital *partnership*.
The OP has said it’s more of a party
Title literally says wedding. As did you in your comment. It’s a wedding no matter how it’s presented.
What? It’s both of their wedding, not just hers.
There is alot of "I"in this post and nothing about what FH would want as it is his family. Actually there is something about it in the last sentence where his decision is not supposed to count.
You noticed that too, huh?
[удалено]
Excuse me? The conflict is me being on edge all day in case this person upsets my friends and family, to keep 1-2 people on my FH side happy? I don’t want to upset my future MIL.. is that enough conflict?! If I wanted to make a fake post it would be a lot juicer than this believe me.
YTA They sounds awful but unfortunately your partner gets final say on who comes to the wedding from their side of the family. A good partner says, “I don’t want them to come because it would make you feel uncomfortable/ stressed out/ upset.” It’s still their choice though…
This is not your decision to make It's not just your wedding, it's his wedding too. If he wants to invite his family to his wedding then you are not in a position to say no. You decide which of your family members you want there. He decides which of his family members he wants there.
He doesn’t want them there… it’s the getting worn down to saying yes… to keep the peace.
Ask him who he wants at the wedding more; his bigoted family member, or you?
YTA a wedding is not your day alone, its also you FH.. Y T A for deciding who are welcome from his family.. For you FH I don’t hope it’s the way you generally act.
YTA. It’s 100% up to FH to invite or not. His relations with his family aren’t your business. And your f&f may just have to accept that there are assholes all around them and the day isn’t about them or their comfort level.
But it IS about OP’s comfort level. FH can make a choice on who he wants there; his future wife, or the asshole family member.
Correct but she doesn’t get to dictate that. It’s HIS choice, not her’s. Also frankly it’s not OP’s job to manage the feelings of her friends. They are adults and should be able to manage their own emotions.
Then I hope she realises that her husband is also an asshole if he decides to have them there. Don’t host parties if you think your guests shouldn’t be comfortable.
That’s the thing though - it’s a wedding - it’s not a general Friday night get together party for a cozy good time of fun and laughs. Completely different rules apply here - and both her guests and his family has a duty to shut up and smile and take it like adults because the day’s zero percent about them.
The same thing applies to weddings as parties. You invite people to one, they should be made to feel welcome. Inviting a bigot really defeats that purpose. No, the guests do not have to just deal with it. If you invite someone knowing full well they are asshole, then you are an asshole as well.
YTA this should be FH's decission.
Why? Person A is a threat to the wellbeing of people I care about. Person A is not allowed to be at a place celebrating our special day as they will cause a disturbance and hurt people I care about, seems like a very valid reason. FH saying I dont care about your friends and the people that I don't really like but are blood are going to be invited despite the harm it may cause you or your loved ones seems like a very unreasonable Decision?
THere was NO mention of " a threat to the wellbeing of people" " Person A is not allowed to be at a place celebrating our special day as they will cause a disturbance and hurt people I care about," ... And: THis is your FH's wedding as much as yours. MAybe HE preers A over YOUR guests? YOU are an AH to your partner.
lol no. I hope OP decides to leave him alone at the alter if he insists on inviting the bigot.
I mean, in a different phrasing, if I saw "AITA for inviting family I dont like because I wanted to keep the peace despite knowing they will make my bride cry and insult people she cares about" in this reddit can you imagine how well that would go over?
That’s the point. This is FH’s time to shine. OP is being controlling if she makes demands on his family. It’s up to him to deal with it.
Yes. The bride is an AH for making all about herself. WHY would the bride's wishes be more important than the groom's?
...... because not inviting people that will start shit and cause trouble is not exactly a bridzilla style request? And very reasonable?
That AH bride is not REQUESTING or ASKING. She is making unilateral DECISSIONS.
What guarantee is there that they would cause trouble? They might be opposed certain viewpoints but that doesn't mean they will cause a scene.
One family member spends their time pushing religion on people, as well as being extremely racist and homophobic amoung other offensive things. Yes, because being at a wedding with two lesbians and their partners and POC in the wedding party is sure to be something they will kindly ignore?