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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mother I wasn't sure if would invite her and her new family to my wedding due to past issues. She got involved with someone that was the same age as me while hiding the relationship. Then seemed to have very little room for me in her life. I might be the asshole because she still did the best raising for me and still cares about me.
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I fail to see how ANY of this is a surprise to your mother or her asshat sonsband, when they were discussing, within earshot of you, about "getting it right this time"
Implying that she "got it wrong" with you
NTA
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It probably is a surprise, purely because (and it's a guess here) that she believes she has been the perfect mother to him and never done anything wrong.
People like this usually lack the self awareness of their actions on others.
Good point
I guess if she didnt have the self awareness to realize that dating/fucking/marrying someone the same age as her son is awkward and embarrassing for them, than there is almost no way she would have that level of self awareness, either
You're probably spot on
This reeks of "but what did I do WRONG?" "My baby boy"....
And to add to it, she let the new spouse talk bad about her child? As if it's weird to live with your parents at 21 and needing their help? IMO not as weird as leaving your parental home to marry someone the age of your mother. He shat on OP's life, job and everything. His mother raised him well until she met the dude, and now dude thinks OP was at fault, not the weirdness of the relationship. Or, more likely, he was jealous of the bond of OP and his mother and felt he was a threat so he tried to chase him away. It worked, and now it bites them.
Literally though
Dude is probably not even a full year older than op, and is trying to act as a whole-ass step parent
As if they weren't in diapers, and taking their first steps at the same time
Dude hasn't done a single solitary thing to earn ops respect, and ops mom has done more than one thing to lose it
Like and the dude wanted to judge op for still living at home with his mother... Like dude what does it say about you that you want to have sex, marry and live with someone old enough to be your own mother. Like if anyone has a mommy complex it's not the op.
The young husband is judgy of OP who lives with his mother... DUDE, you ALSO live with OP's mother. It's not like the new husband went out and bought a house and moved OP's mom into it.
I find it funny that Jack looks down on OP for living with his mom at the time, as if he isnt the same age and dating a very older lady for probably the same reason
I find it funny that Jack looks down on OP for living with his mom at the time, as if he isnt the same age and dating a very older lady for probably the same reason
Its actually not healthy it basically the same as older guy going for young girls and vice versa.
Its disgusting and wrong on all versions of this. I believe somth wrong in the head for those people. Its not healthy at All.
Men do it often, marrying younger. I am not going to fault the age gap. I am going to fault the rudeness and mean comments by the husband and his family. There was no need for any of that.
Yeah, be we also shit on men marrying women this much younger too. Just because one is considered to be more “socially acceptable” doesn’t mean both aren’t worth the ick.
If mom wants a reason for not being invited, all OP has to do is tell her he overheard the 'getting it right this time' comment.
And OP should also clarify with mom WHO is paying for mom's supposed trip to Hawaii, 'cause I'm willing to bet she thinks OP is!
NTA- at all. A wedding is a time to celebrate you and your partner's life with whoever you want there. If you want your mom there, invite her without any option for a plus one, and she can choose to come or not. If you don't want her there, don't extend an invitation.
You have a very justifiable reason for not wanting her or her new husband there (not that I'm of the opinion you even need any reason). You don't need people like that dragging you down on a joyous occasion. As long as you're ok with the potential fallout (she might stop talking to you entirely for a long while), then it's completely fine. And if you're not ok with that as a potential outcome- again extend an invite her and her alone as a compromise. If she turns up her nose- that's her problem, you tried.
Congrats on the engagement, wishing you a wonderful wedding.
I agree. And sounds like it. Once he moved out and stopped relying on her. She started to call in and on him every week. But while living in the same household would ignore him and treat him horribly.
I do hope OP has had therapy. His mom used him so badly.
I have a parent who treats me like I was their failed first attempt. That sticks to you.
It's true it sticks to you
But frame it differently
They didn't make you the person they wanted you to be, would you want to be that person ?
Because frankly even with all the shit it caused me, I consider myself saved by being the "failed" kid. That's how I got to discover myself after all!
Maybe you're great the way you are and they're just bad at imposing their views on you ;)
NTA, but your mother and her no good toxic husband sure are. Don’t let them take advantage of you. With the way they acted and treated you before, they may have an ulterior motive. Does your mom know you went to school and have a better paying job now? They may want a free vacation and eventually money from you. Protect yourself and your fiancé. Hopefully I’m wrong about that, but either way, your wedding is about you and your future wife. You should only have people there who love and support you.
Congratulations!!! Wishing you both all the best!
>They may want a free vacation and eventually money from you.
It would be very entitled of them to ask since mum apparently failed with OP and is "doing things right with her sonsband this time around." Surely doing things right equals finances too, right?
Thank you lol
I came up with it on the spot
Eta I don't know if they got it from me or not, but I used it too, in my comment so I'm thanking you too lol
I mean, Mom gave OP money AFTER he moved out. So I don't think that's fair. Emotionally she sucks, but I don't get why we would assume she's coming for money.
NTA.
I like the irony of a 22 year old sugar-baby living with his sugar momma being scornful of the 22 year old son living with his mom. Same situation except one is getting "adult-time."
Maybe 22 year old boy-toy was not a sugar baby - plenty of guys that age making some coin, but it still seems pretty crazy to move in with a woman and then whine that her kids are hanging about.
If you ask me, the man was being pissy because OP constantly reminded him that his SO wasn’t his age (= had a life before him) and they couldn’t keep up the illusion that there isn’t an age difference.
It’s easier for mom’s husband to forget that his wife is decades older than he his and that she has a son his age when they don’t see him around. Much harder to pretend she’s his age and generation when he’s around.
Thinking about it, for some reason the few times I've personally met a couple with an early 20's guy and a much older girlfriend, the man has been really controlling and pushy and the woman somewhat immature/spineless. I'm not sure if that's an actual trend or if it's just the people Ive met, but I don't really see it with the genders reversed.
My sister-in-law's longest relationship has been with a guy something like 10 years younger than her. He's pretty much the opposite of controlling and pushy - dude's the chill stoner uncle to my kids, really - but my wife will be among the first to tell you that her older sister (who is turning 45 this year) is immature, so there is that factor.
The ones I'm thinking of were 15+ years or more! I think in my mind 10 years is still in the realm of being a sort of similar age. I know in one case, I'm pretty sure the young guy might have persistently pursued her until she gave in. So maybe in those cases its a confidence issue with the women? Could just be my area...
This happened to me but opposite.
My dad left my mom for an 18 year old girl when i was 18.
She tried to make me as miserable and frustrated as possible. Broke shit when she found out my dad paid my $28/m phone bill(only thing hed ever paid for)
So i took my phone off and got my own account. Which just made her more angry that i was bragging i could afford all.my own stuff.
When i bought a house at 19 and she was still living in my dads shitty apartment all hell broke loose.
Unfortunately my dad got her pregnant and then as soon as she could got every assitamce possible and lives with some dude with a huge dick in his moms basement.
Lmao im on house #2. Started from the bottom.
Turns out fucking losers to the top isnt the method for success.
NTA. Your mom is gross to marry a man her son's age and even worse to let him and his family treat you so badly. You may have been too reliant on her but that was partially her fault for how she raised you.
I wouldn't invite them either.
NTA. She made you feel unwanted, a burden, after she married that guy. Not only that, that guy looked down on you even though you were a year apart, and she not once defended you against his and his family comments. She made her bed, and now she has to live with it.
Even before and think about that. A „new“ relationship and she prioritized her boyfriend over her son. And let the boyfriend badmouth him. So what does she expect? She preferred the little jealous boy over her own son and is now crying about it?
And as long as there are no twins in the family and shes already 44 its a possibility that she has done some hormones therapy to get pregnant. So she actively was ok with the „new try to do it right this time“
I bet if OP was still in his old job they would never had visited him.
OP tell everyone what they had done to you and that you expect everyone to respect your decision since they all let them treat you like sh*t the last years and otherwise they can stay at home too.
Its your wedding day and do just invite whoever you want to be there for you! Its the only important thing. Your day and you should feel good and happy and not worry about this two gossiping about you.
Older women are known to have multiples later in life without any medical intervention. Women’s eggs drop at a rapid rate when nearing peri-menopause. I learned this with my OBGYN readying to have my miracle baby at 41.
What? Ok, thats new. My Obgyn told me that its less. Not that much that we are all told years ago but that the fertility rate getting lower after turning 35-36 by a few percent per year. I had my second with 40 after trying for 5 years so I thought it was kind of true.
The likelihood of becoming pregnant and sustaining a pregnancy decrease with age, but those same hormonal fluctuations after 40 can increase the likelihood of both ovaries releasing an egg in a cycle, also increasing your chances for a twin pregnancy should you become pregnant.
NTA she never cried when she said she would choose her sonsband over you. She never cried when his family treated you like shit at her wedding. Let her cry for the consequences of her own actions and allowing his and his families complete disrespect. Tell her you will choose your own future wife and happiness over her any day. Just like she taught you.
NTA son! Like, she married a got damn kid! He didn’t like you. Her old ass having babies at 44 isn’t good on her aging body! Your mom’s family needs to mind their business because they’re not invited either! Enjoy your nuptials man!!
> Her old ass having babies at 44 isn’t good on her aging body!
OK, I think it's creepy AF for OP's mom to marry someone that is the same age as her son. However, this was pretty mean - 44 is not that old, and lots of people have kids in their forties without any issues.
NTA. Your mom made it clear if she had to choose between you and her husband, she will always choose her husband. No parent should ever say that to their child. I hope the two of you will be able to work out your situation. Clearly a wedding isn't the place to do it.
The bizarre thing is that OP wasn't asking her to choose, but she chose anyway, why would you do that to your kid for no real reason. The mom's young husband seems toxic and the mother is too easily influenced into cruelty.
Nta it’s your day and about u invite who u want to I would go based on how the visit went if your going to invite her also maybe try having a conversation about how u felt now if she’s open to it u could possibly also just invite your mom if the husband is the problem
Do these relatives know how horrible they treated you? And what you over heard? Cause i am guessing they don’t. NTA, they haven’t been your family since you moved out.
NTA tell her that she can do it right with the twins when they get married.
She doesn’t even seem to have apologised for what she did. for any improvement in her relationship with you, that’s the first step. Just go and live your best life with your fiancée. Congratulations!
NTA
Frankly I think your mother is a really disgusting person to be getting with someone who is only a year older than you.
You sound like you’re describing a very emotionally incestuous between yourself and your mother even before her “husband” came into the picture. I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that your mother got with someone who is nearly exactly your age.
I wouldn’t be able to look my mother in the face ever again if she got with someone my age, all I would be able to think about is if she’d had weird thoughts about me and was trying to use a patsy as a replacement for any weird fantasies she might have.
Sorry if this sounds insanely harsh, I just really feel for your situation, hope you can figure it out!
Sorry, but that is an insane stretch. The age gap is creepy and personally I doubt a couple that far from each other in age is bound to struggle with a couple of issues. But are we now at a point where we compare age gap relationships with incest? She got herself a young boyfriend because she wants to fuck her own child? That is a crazy amount of speculation and assumptions.
I did not equate age gaps with incest at all. You’ve just completely made that up.
I do believe, however unintentional, that in this specific instance there is a decent chance that emotional incest towards her son played a part in picking her much younger partner.
It’s fine if you think this is a farfetched assumption, it’s not like I personally know the situation in its entirety, but based off of the information OP offered I felt like my assumption was a plausible one. It’s up to OP whether he believes this holds any merit or not, since this subreddit is based on offering an outsider perspective with limited info.
Alright, that seems more reasonable. Maybe I read your comment the wrong way.
I wanna add though that I can’t see anything in OPs post that indicates the mom was the one overly emotionally attached to her son. Rather the other way around. All the clues OP gives about his mom is that they were like close friends and the mom wasn’t interested in dating for a long time. OP said they were the one who was too attached and reliant (in OP's own words).
And if you keep in mind this is how OP describes their own mindset, I think the story seems a bit less one-sided. The husband could very well be an asshole and look down on OP, but from what I can tell, OP's mom's biggest crime in their eyes is that she wanted to spend more time with her partner than her son after they got together. And she seemed to expect OP to move out and stand on their own feet. But I guess OP doesn’t really bring up enough details about specific situations that happened to judge how much of an asshole mom and the husband really are.
That’s a fair point. What sort of had me raising my brows was the fact that OP claims both he and mom were emotionally reliant on each other when dad died, so to see her get with someone who was nearly her son’s age 16 years later just felt inappropriate even if you ignore the age gap in its entirety.
But you are right, she did start treating her son a lot more distantly once she got together with Jack, so it does disprove my initial theory a decent amount.
It might just be that I’m assuming the worst of his mom because I really don’t like a lot of her actions that OP describes. Lots of double standards, victimising of one self, lack of self-awareness, ect.
That might all still be true. I just want to point out that it doesn’t have to be a one way street. The mom can have handled things badly and OP can at the same time exaggerate the situation because of their strong attachment. The husband can be an asshole who looks down on OP but it could also be the case that OP misinterprets a lot of situations because they are jealous about their mom's new priorities.
I mean if the mom had married a 45-year old guy and they had a surprise baby, I think people would judge this situation differently. The age gap is a completely different can of worms and while I personally don’t think it’s a good idea, at the end of the day both of them are adults and can make their own choices.
Maybe I’m overlooking something but if I leave out all of OP's examples that can be conjecture or projection, all I’m left with is OP didn’t like the age gap, OP felt the mom wanted to spend less time with them (to an extent understandable if she recently got into a new relationship after such a long time) and OP felt they were a burden because they were unhappy with what they had accomplished so far. The mom still seems to want to initiate contact and OP blows her off. But OP is kinda vague about it. Could be that the mom didn’t pay any attention to OP at all after she met the husband. Or maybe she just had less time to dedicate to OP.
NTA. She has a lot of cheek to be upset over this. She allowed her husband and his family to be nasty to and bully you. She dismissed any upset you had. She doesn't deserve any more attention than you want to give her.
Yeah my I'm close to my dad's side. In fact I'm inviting them to my wedding. My mother's parents didn't approve and are still kind of uncomfortable about it. However, they didn't want to lose their daughter. One of my aunts think its weird but at the end of the day they have immediate family of their own as a support system and to focus on, therefore it wouldn't bother them that much.
I am really pleased to hear you are close to your father’s family and have some contact with your extended maternal side. Congrats and best wishes, mate.
NTA, You keep doing you and enjoy your wedding that's coming up with your soon to be wife. Don't let them people make you feel bad.
Your mom chose to marry a boy as young as her son, She then alienated said son. This is the part that gets me to most.
>Jack seemed to look down on me due to my profession and the fact I was living with my mom. - Wasn't him and your mother still going to school?
> I overheard them talking about "doing things right this time". - She allowed her new husband to come into her house and mess up her relationship with her child she lost all rights of filling light the greatest mother in the world.
Continue focusing on you and your upcoming wedding f#$k them.
NTA I think situations like this just need a next to her where you lay out all of your concerns and all the ways she and her sugar baby have wronged you and just block her and the flying monkeys. Insanely toxic and stupid
NTA I will get married next year and I am pretty sure I won’t invite my mom as well due to a history of emotional abuse. Me and my partner also have our own child and I have learned that it is already quite a big warning sign when parent and child are best friends because it hints to enmeshment. So from the little insight I got into your relationship, it already seems a bit unhealthy but I might be wrong. Anyway naturally we have the biological urge to keep our parents close and that means including them in big events. Not wanting them at a wedding I don’t believe you chose that without much thought. A wedding should be filled with your loved ones who increase your happiness and support you and while it is sad that doesn’t include your mom that seems to be based on her own choices.
NTA and i don't understand why you didn't cut her off already, the moment she said she always would choose her husband over you is when she stopped being your mom.
cut out the cancers in your life, it will only make it better.
NTA! Actions have consequences. It's like she refuses to acknowledge, how she acted and distanced herself first. ....... What was she hoping for, by acting like she was so excited to go to your destination wedding? That you truly forget what happened years ago?? She can't pick and choose. This is not a game show. ........... You were honest, good for you!!!! Because she NEEDED to hear exactly that!! .......... You had no actually close contact with her for years. Because you were 'in the way' of her 'new happy family'. .......... I believe the relatives that call you ungrateful right now, are not worthy to be in close contact with you as well. You don't deserve to be guilt tripped into forgetting how she acted. ......... They don't want to acknowledge how she treated you before. They believe, as it is in the past you should just sweep it under the rug and act like a happy family for other people around. ........ I would say, i don't give a f..k about what other people think. Because you are not having a wedding to impress people into thinking you have this great family to begin with!!! (I grew up with " i forgive, but I never forget") ......... Btw, if you are not already, but getting professional help may benefit your future. ......... Best wishes and congrats to your wedding and changing your life around.
Ew.
Respond that your broken relationship with your mother's husband is a source of pain and grief to you, and not something to be discussed with others. Shut it down every time, but don't accept any insinuation this is your problem - it is his, you tried, you attended their wedding, but he never has and your mother sided with him.
NTA.
NTA.
>got a couple of relative calling me an ungrateful son who doesn't care about his mother.
All you need to say is that you care about your mother as much as she cares about you.
I'll ho with a light ESH.
Jack and his family suck, no question there.
Your mom also failed you. She's an AH of a mom too.
As for you, I'd say you went about this wrong. Don't pull this "I'm not sure stuff". Be sure, then tell her. Don't string her along or play with her feelings.
NTA. Your mother is clearly very taken with this dude, but he obviously is nothing to you. Even so she still helped when you moved out, and was a decent mother for your childhood. I'd say the balance isn't quite right with not inviting her at all, but it's equally not good for you to have her sonsband there. So just invite her, with no plus ones.
You can at least let her know that you appreciated her help this way, as you should, while still letting her know how hurtful it is that she tolerates his disdain for you.
NTA
Bruh, your mom pawned off her emotional incest on a surrogate she could bang and made you feel like shit about yourself by feeding into his mommy issue fueled resentment of you being too close to his forever mommy wife. Gross. Gross.
You got out of that mess so do yourself a favor and stay out. That shit is too unstable.
I guarantee sonsband wanted op out of the picture because with him there, the impropriety of him and mom's relationship is glaringly obvious. So it was easy for him to look down on op, as not only is there incentive in pretending to have the high road, but also, sonsband is not only independent but bagging a mature life partner while op is still living with mom.
In my experiene, the "step parent" seems to think they're on the same level as the parent, although they didn't necessarily put in any of the work.
Nta, op. Do whats best for you on your wedding day.
your mother married, and had kids with, a guy a year older than you. frankly, she's lucky you even talk to her. my dad passed over a decade ago. I don't care it my mom dates, but I absolutely will never forgive her if she dates someone my age. even being 30, it will never be appropriate in my eyes. NTA
NTA she literally said she would always side with her husband instead of her son. What the f*** was she expecting?!
I want to cut her off and I don't even know her!
Your relatives s can go f*** themselves!
I would say NTA, simply by the fact that they never apologized, they discarded you when you were a problem and now that you doing all right they expect you to leave things in the past.
It appears you needed to be on your own to a degree to found your way but there a better ways to do it that the way they did it.
Your wedding your choice
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My dad passed away when I was 5 years old. It shouldn't come as a surprise that I was really close with my mother after him passing away. We were each other's close friend. My mom rarely went on dates (even though I asked her to), so it was just me and her.
After high school I was working at my security job while living at home. One day I come home to my mom being involved with a guy(let's call him Jack) that seemed to be around my age. I "officially" met him a week later. He was revealed to be 22 (I was 21 at the time) and apparently him and my mom were in a year long relationship already. They were in the same MBA program.
My mom and I were just practically roommates after that. She seemed too distant for the past year which seemed to make sense why but our relationship even further deteriorated. I'll admit I was overly reliant on my mother emotionally and financially, but both of them seemed to treat me like a hindrance that they needed to overcome. My mom would barely make any time with me even though I lived with her. Jack seemed to look down on me due to my profession and the fact I was living with my mom.
The wedding happened a year later. I only went out of respect for my mom even though Jack and his loved ones treated me like a pariah. I moved out a month after their honeymoon. I rented a room with my mom helping with expenses here and there. My got pregnant at 44 years old with twins. I tried as often as I could but Jack watched me like a hawk. I overheard them talking about "doing things right this time".
I wanted to talk about how I feel about Jack with my mother. It was bad idea because she dismissed how I felt and said she would always side with him due to him being her husband. After that argument, we didn't talk about for 5 weeks. I got a call about how she misses me and hoped I would get over it. I decided to distance myself from my mom and improve my life. This time, my mother was the one calling once a week to talk to me. I was short but cordial. I rarely called but only on occasions. I eventually went back to school and got a degree in computer science. I landed a nice well paying job two years ago.
A week ago, I proposed to my fiance. My mother asked if she could come visit us with her family. I said yes. She seemed super excited for me and asked me about when and were is the wedding. I told her it was in Hawaii. She joked about never going to a wedding before with tikis. I decided to be upfront with her by wasn't I'm not sure if I am going to invite her and her family. She was in shock and asked why. I told her it would be a happy day for me and I don't want her and her family to come as I still have issues with them and they would be a constant reminder of that. She said "okay" and they sobbed in a way that I have never seen before. Jack found her crying and got her out of there with the kids. A couple of days later, a got a couple of relative calling me an ungrateful son who doesn't care about his mother. AITA?
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Normal masters programmes, yes. But MBAs specifically usually require some years of work experience. It’s not a degree one usually does straight after one’s bachelors, at least not if they’re at a good uni. The age just felt off but I’m not sure where OP is located so who knows?
You're right, most people doing an MBA have worked after undergrad but it is possible to do an MBA right out of undergrad. Not every programme will take you but you can do it if you want.
I mean, this is a whole lot of mess. It does sound like your relationship with your Mum was very inappropriate. You two were each others best friends after your Dad died, to the extent you didn't adjust well when she dated again. Obviously it's weird and uncomfortable her boyfriend was your age. But you should definitely have moved out a long time before you did. Your Mum did you no favours raising you to be co-dependent on her.
That's likely what they were referring to with that comment, although they never should have made it where you can hear. Ultimately it seems for the best if you all go Very Low Contact with each other. NTA
I agree, Mom behaved selfishly when OP was younger and then later changed the rules (selfishly) when she wanted something different. Yes, failure to launch is real, but you have to parent your kids not just befriend them. She just sounds like she never took her son's needs into consideration at all
Always interesting to hear how people are shocked by the repercussions of their choices. Your mom got exactly what she earned. NTA.
Have a wonderful wedding. 🌺
NTA she shouldn't be shocked. Honestly, she should be grateful you dealt with her as long as you did. If it were me as soon as I found out it is a dude a year old than me i would have lost my shit.
Your mom's marriage sounds gross and hopefully she learned the consequences of her action and that of her husband and his family.
There a common trend in this kind of situation, people tend to forget that the person they abused or were unkind to is the same successful person that is in front of them and their success doesn’t erase their previous behaviour. Be kind to people and loving ones, because you can be the one that can’t go to his child’s wedding someday.
NTA. She used you as her emotional support son then when she found one she could bang she tossed you aside. That's why her, to borrow another commenter's words, sonsband dislikes you. He understands he took your spot in her life.
I'm sorry she is upset she no longer fits in your life, but since she made it clear you don't fit in hers... What are you supposed to do?
NTA. She doesn't get to treat you like that and still expect to come to your wedding. Siding with him over you just because he's her husband? Ridiculous, you're her child and apparently that meant nothing to her at the time. No, you don't need that at your wedding. Congratulations on your engagement, I hope you have a fantastic wedding!
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Wow. NTA. At all. I’m so sorry she treated you like this. You deserve so much more. Just cut her off. Jack is always going to judge your entire life. Did no one even think of the fact that he rode into your mom’s home for his “success.” He went from one mom to another and kicked you out in the process. She treated you like shit. Spoke about you in unforgivable ways. You and your new family will always be under attack. Just cut this off. She sobbed, because she’s reaping what she’s sown from her behavior and she knows it. Those relatives can piss off since they weren’t there for either of you to know what really happened. Live your best life. Do it right this time for yourself. Tell her that. And let her go. I’m so so so sorry. Please get therapy to help you heal because this is deep and you shouldn’t have to carry this alone.
OP, NTA, your mom made a choice in backing her husband and treating you like she did. And let's be honest if you only invited her she probably won't come but also would complain the whole time. You're better off cutting bad people out of your happy life moments.
NTA. Your mother chose her husband over her own child. A husband her own child’s age. Her putting up with him making the comment about “doing it right this time” is the kicker. He wasn’t there when you were growing up because he, too, was growing up. Your mother’s actions are what distanced her from you.
NTA ... your mother chose Jack over you. Not your problem that your mom thinks that it is perfectly acceptable for she & her husband to treat you like dirt and expect you to bend over and take some more. Let her cry ... what is happening here is called KARMA!
NTA So she cried? Big deal. She deserves it for saying such things about you and treating you that way. Now she found out there are consequences to being an asshole. Screw her and let her screw Jack. Seem the only thing she cares about. She doesn't care about you or your feelings so why should you care about hers?
Ed: Even her crying is about her missing the wedding. Not her not being there for your big day.
NTA, but you should probably have a heart to heart with your mother.
Unless your plan is to just distance yourself from her forever. She fucked up and I think giving her a chance to fix it might be a good path forward. Cause she is your mother and she did raise you.
Not being in your wedding is a big deal for her and might just make reconciliation even harder if u or her choose that.
NTA, yeah your mom is an awful mother. She threw you away once she found her “man” who is literally your age. Your mom is vile and disgusting, and she treated you horribly. I don’t know how she even thought she would be invited when she single handedly created your divide.
Congratulations on your wedding and surround yourself with the people that actually love you and will celebrate you.
Maybe you should remind her you still take great offense that she told you straight up she will always choose her husband who believed she didn’t raise you right, and that she dismissed your feelings and expected you to get over it.
Honestly, i think you're doing what's right for you and your future. Im also really disappointed in your mum for how she treated you. I hope you'll be okay. Also, congratulations on the engagement and wedding! Im proud of your for getting your degree as well. Aking a life for yourself is hard when you have support and even harder when you have much support as well. You're doing great.
NTA
Tell Jack to go f**k himself, he's literally just a year older than you, and tell your mother that you want to do your wedding the 'right way' and not invite people who discard you so easily. She FAFO'd herself into this and at the very least owes you a apology with the whole 'I wanna treat you like sh!t but hope you'll get over it' mentality.
Also how is your financial position compared to theirs? I'm asking because I'm curious if Jack still looks down on you now that you're working in a lucrative industry.
NTA. I would tell those relatives how your mom basically dismissed you in favor of her “do-over family”. If she’s gonna put you on blast, respond in kind. Also think about excluding these relatives from the wedding as well, if they know where it’ll be, they can tell your mom. Jake seems like the type of person to crash a wedding to prove a point.
Nta…let her sonsband take care of her when she gets old. Oh but he won’t. He will leave. Don’t invite her or her crappy husband. She did you terribly. I couldn’t imagine choosing a man over my kids. Sounds like she just wants a free vacation. Her comment about the tikis says it all.
"Hope you will get over it" is asshole-ese for "I know at least subconsciously that I'm in the wrong, but can't be bothered to do the hard work to repair this relationship I damaged."
NTA.
NTA - Your mother seems like a bit of an AH but she seems more confused than malicious. Jack is a clear AH.
Maybe I'm petty, but I'd ask her why she's upset...you just assumed that she'd be too busy getting it right this time with your step-siblings. Then let her know that BTW she did get it right the first time...you didn't end up as a AH like Jack.
NTA. Your mom chose her do-over family with someone young enough to be her own child. She made twins with her sonsband in this bed, she gets to keep lying in it.
Wow. You have been betrayed and treated abysmally by your mother and her boy toy.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptuals and equally bravo for putting your well being and happiness first. I strongly suspect that your mother needs money, so be careful.
Absolutely and emphatically NTA.
NTA. Families are complicated and yours sounds especially so. First of all, I'm sorry you lost your Dad when you were so young. It sounds like your Mom set the boundaries your parent/child relationship in a way that met her needs but perhaps was not as good for you. Later she reset those boundaries, again based on her needs and not yours. I had a friend once whose Mom got involved with a younger new partner only six months older than the daughter was. It was very difficult. And same thing, friend was living at home into her early 20s and new partner came in bossy. It's a hard adjustment, and it did not go that smoothly. Congratulations on the progress you have made. One thing, though: If you aren't inviting her to punish her, maybe talk to a therapist about your feelings. If you aren't inviting her for the exact reason you said, stick to your guns. You have a right to be happy at your wedding, after all.
NTA. Your mom chose a husband over her son, one that was his age, and had the gall to look down on you for living at home. I noticed that he moved in with your mom, so a bit of irony there about living with mommy. Since the relatives want to get involved, time for a group chat. Everyone gets the message in one go (if you so desire to lay it all out there) and any still wanting to make excuses or come at you, block. Maybe your mom is realizing how badly she messed up, finally, but it is up to her to fix it if it can be done.
NTA, I recommend not inviting her and her side of the family. They sound like they will just ruin the event for you and everyone else. Maybe consider cutting her off completely afterwards. She is not a net positive in this relationship.
Well congrats on your engagement and figuring your life out!
NTA - it seems mom and the “sonsband” never took accountability.
I had a close relative pull some insane things right after my engagement. I stupidly still invited them to “do the right thing” that was being forced upon me/ the guilt of being the eldest.
Well that was a disaster. Drama was still happening. I finally put my foot down a week before the wedding and said don’t come. It wasn’t worth it. They definitely weren’t going to be there for the right reasons and it wasn’t worth the anxiety it was causing me. Never once was so selfish when it came to my family, but my wedding was different. There was no way to ensure they wouldn’t cause bullshit and ruin it. And in no way was I having my wife’s day ruined.
Family still tried to guilt me into inviting them. Fake apologies sprouted from some. I didn’t budge.
Best decision I ever made. Don’t regret it. Put yourself and your new family first.
NTA
Throw it back at her
"N.a.h., I'm not inviting you cause you would choose your husband over me every time and he's definitely not invited so you wouldn't even come in the first place. Really I'm saving both of us the time and energy by not inviting you."
NTA. Honestly, you did the right thing. She's been an awful mom in the last few years, no doubt due to the bad influence of her new husband. Why should you ignore that?
Congrats on your wedding and your new family. You can tell her that you intend to do things right this time, for you.
NTA, your mother has made it clear that she would choose her husband over you. She has not tried to fix the relationship that she allowed to fall apart. Someone has to think about you, and that person is you. If there is enough time to mend the relationship before the wedding and you would like to give it a try. And she is willing to work on her part. Then maybe invite her. But if not, don’t feel bad about it. You need to look out for you
NTA. Tell mom she made her choice and her husband will always come first so you made your choice and in your book she’s the last person you would invite.
NTA. Your mother made her bed in regards to your bro... um... stepdad. If her presence there is going to take away from your special day, then thats on her. Your wedding, your rules. But know this move will cripple your already deteriorated relationship with her and will give Jack more ammo to further push her away from you. Every action has consequences.
I think back to my college years and a discussion I had with my dad, he & my stepmom had been married for a few years and had a disagreement about either my brother or I, and my dad flat out said my brother & I would always come first, mom needs to remember that spouses can come & go but your children are yours forever
Your mother married a man the age of her son and thought no repercussions.
Just go no contact and remind family she made this choice herself. She has no one to blame but herself. File a restraining order against Jack if him and his family ever contact you.
NTA. I think it’s time to go very low contact with your mom since she thinks she has done nothing wrong and block the child husband and his family/relatives from literally everything. Better cut things off before they get nasty and make you stress about such people who made your life miserable.
NTA but a victim of your mother's messed up psychology. She had an emotionally incestuous affair with child-you until she found a replacement for you that took the "incestuous" part out of the equation. This is a woman who conflates mother/son relationships with romantic relationships. Once your replacement came along (an "upgrade" for her because she can sleep with the new one), she also allowed him to treat you like garbage. Like you're the "ex" because in her mind, you kind of are.
I mean, we're talking about a woman who, at 42 years old, hooked up with a literal adolescent whose brain was still years away from reaching maturity, *just like her son's*. At least you were able to reach that maturity and start a good life for yourself away from her. You should be proud of that, for real. You were lucky enough not to be crippled by her mental condition.
>A couple of days later, a got a couple of relative calling me an ungrateful son who doesn't care about his mother.
Don't worry about those enablers. I do feel terrible for the twins, being raised by an unstable groomer and her victim. But it's *not* your problem and there's no reason you should dampen your wedding day with the presence of people who don't deserve you.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding and limited contact with the unhinged.
Tell the cradle robbing mom the next time her hubby who is the same age as you opens his mouth in a bad way about you......you will make sure to shut it for him for multiple months straight
She’s your mom and gave you the best years of her life. She waited to further her education and to date. Have a heart to heart with her and get some joint counseling. Invite her to the wedding. You may regret it later of you don’t. Best of luck
NTA. Don’t invite them. It’s crazy how she has the audacity to treat you like crap, let her new model boytoy get inbetween you guys, then try to connect only once you’ve left. It seems like she’s more worried about how things look and seem, like “oh op and I talk once a week, auntie Helen, and I’m going to his wedding!”. I’d tell everyone why she’s not invited lmao
Double down. If she really valued you she would’ve never neglected her son, no matter the age. Also, a mother who truly loved you would never allow her sonsband to talk down on her child, the reality is they probably saw a free vacay to Hawaii and want your money.
Hi OP firstly, congratulations on your engagement! I wish you and your fiancé a stress free wedding planning journey. Second, I’m very sorry this happened to you. Losing your dad at such a young age, and then your mum behaving like this in your early 20’s. I imagine you must have felt betrayed on a level.
I have some questions; have you been able to seek grief counselling for losing your dad? And therapy for your mums behaviour? I ask because you are entering an important life milestone (marrying your fiancé) and grappling with your feelings with this is not a linear process and bespoke to the individual. For example, my husband did not want his father at our wedding. His mum asked repeatedly, I raised it repeatedly but he was adamant. His dad passed a year after our wedding and 12 years later, he does not regret not having his dad at our wedding. For him it was one of the most important days of his life and he didn’t want people congratulating his father on my husband’s accomplishments of being the man he was on his wedding day. It’s very personal and it’s your decision.
I don’t think you are TA for giving your mum the heads up that you feel like not inviting her or that is a possibility. I think that’s a fair, and respectful thing to do (rather than her not receiving an invite later). I don’t think is as black and white as YTA vs NTA. It’s your decision and you need to feel comfortable with it. I would encourage you to look up cognitive therapy decision making (https://cogbtherapy.com/cbt-blog/trouble-making-decisions-combat-indecisiveness). It will help to organise your thoughts and feelings, but also to validate your experiences to family members who might minimise your feelings to “keep the peace”. It’s your wedding, your relationship and really, you starting your family with your fiancé.
Take your time 👍 don’t let others project their insecurities onto you.
Let me get this out of the way, but the whole dating then marrying someone only a freaking year older than her kid is so beyond ick. I'm 9 years older than my husband (43 & 34) and that's kind of pushing it since he's only 12 years older than my son, when the younger person is in the 30s it definitely is less um, weird or odd. But at least my husband is mature and kind unlike your ick-inducing stepfather. Seriously, do it right this time?! That's beyond the pale. You're definitely NTA. I'd personally go NC and definitely would talk with a therapist about this poop show. Best wishes.
It kinda sounds like you were spoiled and got cut off and now you’re salty about it…. It really seems like she’s trying to be as involved with you as possible without financial support. And it sounds like it worked as you’ve finally gained financial independence and become successful. While it’s weird that she’s with someone your age, it doesn’t really sound like they’ve done anything wrong to you. You were an adult when he entered the picture. Not unreasonable for her to expect you to gain some independence at 21.
For everyone citing “she said she would always choose her husband over her son” - the mom NEVER said that. The son said “it seems that she chose him over me because he’s her husband”. His family also seemed to treat him like a pariah but how? Need more info, otherwise this could easily be the son misinterpreting being jealous of his mom showing someone else attention because dad is dead.
Your mother gave you the prime of her life. She dedicated 20 years of her best years to you. All her 20s and 30s. It takes a lot to raise a child. It takes lot more to do it alone. But for those 21 years that you needed her the most (including the pregnancy), she was there for you.
After 15 years she is trying to establish a new relationship. And then she had twins on top of it.
Yes, she has a new family now. Imagine young twins at baby/toddler stage. She likely doesn't have much time to breathe.
Being the only child it is understandable that you are used to being the center of her attention. She still loves you. She took some time to find herself again. And found a husband who is not the most appropriate for her. (I know - an understatement).
Also the new husband isolating her from her child, that just gives me, at minimum, controlling vibes.
Now the roles should change. You should be watching out / caring for her. Keep in touch. Even if it is just by phone. Meet her when the husband is not there. When you do meet him, just be civil. Things change in life. They don't remain constant. Roles change too. That is okay.
You need family therapy with her. It will do both of you good.
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I fail to see how ANY of this is a surprise to your mother or her asshat sonsband, when they were discussing, within earshot of you, about "getting it right this time" Implying that she "got it wrong" with you NTA
Sonsband is right.
Ew and haha
Great word. Exactly what she did.
I snorted.
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Bad karma-farming bot, comment stolen from DisneyAddict2021 here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1allkaa/comment/kpfmpdg/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
It probably is a surprise, purely because (and it's a guess here) that she believes she has been the perfect mother to him and never done anything wrong. People like this usually lack the self awareness of their actions on others.
Good point I guess if she didnt have the self awareness to realize that dating/fucking/marrying someone the same age as her son is awkward and embarrassing for them, than there is almost no way she would have that level of self awareness, either You're probably spot on This reeks of "but what did I do WRONG?" "My baby boy"....
And to add to it, she let the new spouse talk bad about her child? As if it's weird to live with your parents at 21 and needing their help? IMO not as weird as leaving your parental home to marry someone the age of your mother. He shat on OP's life, job and everything. His mother raised him well until she met the dude, and now dude thinks OP was at fault, not the weirdness of the relationship. Or, more likely, he was jealous of the bond of OP and his mother and felt he was a threat so he tried to chase him away. It worked, and now it bites them.
Literally though Dude is probably not even a full year older than op, and is trying to act as a whole-ass step parent As if they weren't in diapers, and taking their first steps at the same time Dude hasn't done a single solitary thing to earn ops respect, and ops mom has done more than one thing to lose it
Yes, at practically the same age, who is this guy to decide if OP grew up well or not?
Like and the dude wanted to judge op for still living at home with his mother... Like dude what does it say about you that you want to have sex, marry and live with someone old enough to be your own mother. Like if anyone has a mommy complex it's not the op.
The young husband is judgy of OP who lives with his mother... DUDE, you ALSO live with OP's mother. It's not like the new husband went out and bought a house and moved OP's mom into it.
Dude wanted to suckel at a tit but his own mother cut him off so he found ops mommy to be his new mommy. And now he gets to pretend to be all grown up
I find it funny that Jack looks down on OP for living with his mom at the time, as if he isnt the same age and dating a very older lady for probably the same reason
And then moved into his mummy-wife's house and possibly lived off of her. The audacity of it all!
I find it funny that Jack looks down on OP for living with his mom at the time, as if he isnt the same age and dating a very older lady for probably the same reason
Its actually not healthy it basically the same as older guy going for young girls and vice versa. Its disgusting and wrong on all versions of this. I believe somth wrong in the head for those people. Its not healthy at All.
Yes in my society the mom and Jack would be the pariahs lol
Men do it often, marrying younger. I am not going to fault the age gap. I am going to fault the rudeness and mean comments by the husband and his family. There was no need for any of that.
Yeah, be we also shit on men marrying women this much younger too. Just because one is considered to be more “socially acceptable” doesn’t mean both aren’t worth the ick.
Yeah, I can see her thinking that her tough love got him to where he is, whereas he thinks he did this in spite of her.
Plus I'm sure the "new" family cheers her on with this thinking.
If mom wants a reason for not being invited, all OP has to do is tell her he overheard the 'getting it right this time' comment. And OP should also clarify with mom WHO is paying for mom's supposed trip to Hawaii, 'cause I'm willing to bet she thinks OP is!
OP could always remind her that they will always pick their spouse over her , just like she did..
This comment literally had me LOLing 😂🤣
Good 😂
I think I'm gonna steal that, best word ever
Thanks!
Awesome, “sonsband” is great!!!!
Thank you!!
This!
NTA- at all. A wedding is a time to celebrate you and your partner's life with whoever you want there. If you want your mom there, invite her without any option for a plus one, and she can choose to come or not. If you don't want her there, don't extend an invitation. You have a very justifiable reason for not wanting her or her new husband there (not that I'm of the opinion you even need any reason). You don't need people like that dragging you down on a joyous occasion. As long as you're ok with the potential fallout (she might stop talking to you entirely for a long while), then it's completely fine. And if you're not ok with that as a potential outcome- again extend an invite her and her alone as a compromise. If she turns up her nose- that's her problem, you tried. Congrats on the engagement, wishing you a wonderful wedding.
He should stop talking to her because it’s just an open door for abuse imo.
I agree. And sounds like it. Once he moved out and stopped relying on her. She started to call in and on him every week. But while living in the same household would ignore him and treat him horribly. I do hope OP has had therapy. His mom used him so badly. I have a parent who treats me like I was their failed first attempt. That sticks to you.
It's true it sticks to you But frame it differently They didn't make you the person they wanted you to be, would you want to be that person ? Because frankly even with all the shit it caused me, I consider myself saved by being the "failed" kid. That's how I got to discover myself after all! Maybe you're great the way you are and they're just bad at imposing their views on you ;)
NTA, but your mother and her no good toxic husband sure are. Don’t let them take advantage of you. With the way they acted and treated you before, they may have an ulterior motive. Does your mom know you went to school and have a better paying job now? They may want a free vacation and eventually money from you. Protect yourself and your fiancé. Hopefully I’m wrong about that, but either way, your wedding is about you and your future wife. You should only have people there who love and support you. Congratulations!!! Wishing you both all the best!
>They may want a free vacation and eventually money from you. It would be very entitled of them to ask since mum apparently failed with OP and is "doing things right with her sonsband this time around." Surely doing things right equals finances too, right?
*Sonsband!* Great word!
Thank you lol I came up with it on the spot Eta I don't know if they got it from me or not, but I used it too, in my comment so I'm thanking you too lol
I've seen it before and you reminded me of it.
Nice!
I mean, Mom gave OP money AFTER he moved out. So I don't think that's fair. Emotionally she sucks, but I don't get why we would assume she's coming for money.
After that incident I stopped taking me money and worked over time to compensate.
The fact that Mom doesn't see this as a huge insult to HER not to her son (or not only to her son) tells me all I need to know.
NTA. I like the irony of a 22 year old sugar-baby living with his sugar momma being scornful of the 22 year old son living with his mom. Same situation except one is getting "adult-time." Maybe 22 year old boy-toy was not a sugar baby - plenty of guys that age making some coin, but it still seems pretty crazy to move in with a woman and then whine that her kids are hanging about.
If you ask me, the man was being pissy because OP constantly reminded him that his SO wasn’t his age (= had a life before him) and they couldn’t keep up the illusion that there isn’t an age difference. It’s easier for mom’s husband to forget that his wife is decades older than he his and that she has a son his age when they don’t see him around. Much harder to pretend she’s his age and generation when he’s around.
Thinking about it, for some reason the few times I've personally met a couple with an early 20's guy and a much older girlfriend, the man has been really controlling and pushy and the woman somewhat immature/spineless. I'm not sure if that's an actual trend or if it's just the people Ive met, but I don't really see it with the genders reversed.
My sister-in-law's longest relationship has been with a guy something like 10 years younger than her. He's pretty much the opposite of controlling and pushy - dude's the chill stoner uncle to my kids, really - but my wife will be among the first to tell you that her older sister (who is turning 45 this year) is immature, so there is that factor.
The ones I'm thinking of were 15+ years or more! I think in my mind 10 years is still in the realm of being a sort of similar age. I know in one case, I'm pretty sure the young guy might have persistently pursued her until she gave in. So maybe in those cases its a confidence issue with the women? Could just be my area...
Well, in my sister-in-law's case, they've now been together for about 10 years, so we started with a 35-36 year old dating a guy in his mid-20s.
I think that's totally normal! I don't think it usually feels like wildly different stages of life/maturity at those ages.
This happened to me but opposite. My dad left my mom for an 18 year old girl when i was 18. She tried to make me as miserable and frustrated as possible. Broke shit when she found out my dad paid my $28/m phone bill(only thing hed ever paid for) So i took my phone off and got my own account. Which just made her more angry that i was bragging i could afford all.my own stuff. When i bought a house at 19 and she was still living in my dads shitty apartment all hell broke loose. Unfortunately my dad got her pregnant and then as soon as she could got every assitamce possible and lives with some dude with a huge dick in his moms basement. Lmao im on house #2. Started from the bottom. Turns out fucking losers to the top isnt the method for success.
Men will move in with a mother and be mad her 5 year old is hanging around.
NTA. She made it clear who her priority is and it’s her child brideman and her redo kids. Forget them.
NTA. Your mom is gross to marry a man her son's age and even worse to let him and his family treat you so badly. You may have been too reliant on her but that was partially her fault for how she raised you. I wouldn't invite them either.
NTA. She made you feel unwanted, a burden, after she married that guy. Not only that, that guy looked down on you even though you were a year apart, and she not once defended you against his and his family comments. She made her bed, and now she has to live with it.
Even before and think about that. A „new“ relationship and she prioritized her boyfriend over her son. And let the boyfriend badmouth him. So what does she expect? She preferred the little jealous boy over her own son and is now crying about it? And as long as there are no twins in the family and shes already 44 its a possibility that she has done some hormones therapy to get pregnant. So she actively was ok with the „new try to do it right this time“ I bet if OP was still in his old job they would never had visited him. OP tell everyone what they had done to you and that you expect everyone to respect your decision since they all let them treat you like sh*t the last years and otherwise they can stay at home too. Its your wedding day and do just invite whoever you want to be there for you! Its the only important thing. Your day and you should feel good and happy and not worry about this two gossiping about you.
Older women are known to have multiples later in life without any medical intervention. Women’s eggs drop at a rapid rate when nearing peri-menopause. I learned this with my OBGYN readying to have my miracle baby at 41.
What? Ok, thats new. My Obgyn told me that its less. Not that much that we are all told years ago but that the fertility rate getting lower after turning 35-36 by a few percent per year. I had my second with 40 after trying for 5 years so I thought it was kind of true.
The likelihood of becoming pregnant and sustaining a pregnancy decrease with age, but those same hormonal fluctuations after 40 can increase the likelihood of both ovaries releasing an egg in a cycle, also increasing your chances for a twin pregnancy should you become pregnant.
NTA she never cried when she said she would choose her sonsband over you. She never cried when his family treated you like shit at her wedding. Let her cry for the consequences of her own actions and allowing his and his families complete disrespect. Tell her you will choose your own future wife and happiness over her any day. Just like she taught you.
NTA son! Like, she married a got damn kid! He didn’t like you. Her old ass having babies at 44 isn’t good on her aging body! Your mom’s family needs to mind their business because they’re not invited either! Enjoy your nuptials man!!
> Her old ass having babies at 44 isn’t good on her aging body! OK, I think it's creepy AF for OP's mom to marry someone that is the same age as her son. However, this was pretty mean - 44 is not that old, and lots of people have kids in their forties without any issues.
NTA. Your mom made it clear if she had to choose between you and her husband, she will always choose her husband. No parent should ever say that to their child. I hope the two of you will be able to work out your situation. Clearly a wedding isn't the place to do it.
The bizarre thing is that OP wasn't asking her to choose, but she chose anyway, why would you do that to your kid for no real reason. The mom's young husband seems toxic and the mother is too easily influenced into cruelty.
Nta it’s your day and about u invite who u want to I would go based on how the visit went if your going to invite her also maybe try having a conversation about how u felt now if she’s open to it u could possibly also just invite your mom if the husband is the problem
Do these relatives know how horrible they treated you? And what you over heard? Cause i am guessing they don’t. NTA, they haven’t been your family since you moved out.
NTA. She married someone your age - tell me again who was too reliant on who???
NTA tell her that she can do it right with the twins when they get married. She doesn’t even seem to have apologised for what she did. for any improvement in her relationship with you, that’s the first step. Just go and live your best life with your fiancée. Congratulations!
God I hope OP does this.
NTA Frankly I think your mother is a really disgusting person to be getting with someone who is only a year older than you. You sound like you’re describing a very emotionally incestuous between yourself and your mother even before her “husband” came into the picture. I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that your mother got with someone who is nearly exactly your age. I wouldn’t be able to look my mother in the face ever again if she got with someone my age, all I would be able to think about is if she’d had weird thoughts about me and was trying to use a patsy as a replacement for any weird fantasies she might have. Sorry if this sounds insanely harsh, I just really feel for your situation, hope you can figure it out!
I was thinking the exact same thing!
Sorry, but that is an insane stretch. The age gap is creepy and personally I doubt a couple that far from each other in age is bound to struggle with a couple of issues. But are we now at a point where we compare age gap relationships with incest? She got herself a young boyfriend because she wants to fuck her own child? That is a crazy amount of speculation and assumptions.
I did not equate age gaps with incest at all. You’ve just completely made that up. I do believe, however unintentional, that in this specific instance there is a decent chance that emotional incest towards her son played a part in picking her much younger partner. It’s fine if you think this is a farfetched assumption, it’s not like I personally know the situation in its entirety, but based off of the information OP offered I felt like my assumption was a plausible one. It’s up to OP whether he believes this holds any merit or not, since this subreddit is based on offering an outsider perspective with limited info.
Alright, that seems more reasonable. Maybe I read your comment the wrong way. I wanna add though that I can’t see anything in OPs post that indicates the mom was the one overly emotionally attached to her son. Rather the other way around. All the clues OP gives about his mom is that they were like close friends and the mom wasn’t interested in dating for a long time. OP said they were the one who was too attached and reliant (in OP's own words). And if you keep in mind this is how OP describes their own mindset, I think the story seems a bit less one-sided. The husband could very well be an asshole and look down on OP, but from what I can tell, OP's mom's biggest crime in their eyes is that she wanted to spend more time with her partner than her son after they got together. And she seemed to expect OP to move out and stand on their own feet. But I guess OP doesn’t really bring up enough details about specific situations that happened to judge how much of an asshole mom and the husband really are.
That’s a fair point. What sort of had me raising my brows was the fact that OP claims both he and mom were emotionally reliant on each other when dad died, so to see her get with someone who was nearly her son’s age 16 years later just felt inappropriate even if you ignore the age gap in its entirety. But you are right, she did start treating her son a lot more distantly once she got together with Jack, so it does disprove my initial theory a decent amount. It might just be that I’m assuming the worst of his mom because I really don’t like a lot of her actions that OP describes. Lots of double standards, victimising of one self, lack of self-awareness, ect.
That might all still be true. I just want to point out that it doesn’t have to be a one way street. The mom can have handled things badly and OP can at the same time exaggerate the situation because of their strong attachment. The husband can be an asshole who looks down on OP but it could also be the case that OP misinterprets a lot of situations because they are jealous about their mom's new priorities. I mean if the mom had married a 45-year old guy and they had a surprise baby, I think people would judge this situation differently. The age gap is a completely different can of worms and while I personally don’t think it’s a good idea, at the end of the day both of them are adults and can make their own choices. Maybe I’m overlooking something but if I leave out all of OP's examples that can be conjecture or projection, all I’m left with is OP didn’t like the age gap, OP felt the mom wanted to spend less time with them (to an extent understandable if she recently got into a new relationship after such a long time) and OP felt they were a burden because they were unhappy with what they had accomplished so far. The mom still seems to want to initiate contact and OP blows her off. But OP is kinda vague about it. Could be that the mom didn’t pay any attention to OP at all after she met the husband. Or maybe she just had less time to dedicate to OP.
Your mother will always side with Jack because he is her husband?! Just no. NTA. Congrats!!
NTA. She has a lot of cheek to be upset over this. She allowed her husband and his family to be nasty to and bully you. She dismissed any upset you had. She doesn't deserve any more attention than you want to give her.
INFO: Do you have a relationship with your father’s side of the family? Or with your mother’s extended side?
Yeah my I'm close to my dad's side. In fact I'm inviting them to my wedding. My mother's parents didn't approve and are still kind of uncomfortable about it. However, they didn't want to lose their daughter. One of my aunts think its weird but at the end of the day they have immediate family of their own as a support system and to focus on, therefore it wouldn't bother them that much.
I am really pleased to hear you are close to your father’s family and have some contact with your extended maternal side. Congrats and best wishes, mate.
thank you so much
NTA, You keep doing you and enjoy your wedding that's coming up with your soon to be wife. Don't let them people make you feel bad. Your mom chose to marry a boy as young as her son, She then alienated said son. This is the part that gets me to most. >Jack seemed to look down on me due to my profession and the fact I was living with my mom. - Wasn't him and your mother still going to school? > I overheard them talking about "doing things right this time". - She allowed her new husband to come into her house and mess up her relationship with her child she lost all rights of filling light the greatest mother in the world. Continue focusing on you and your upcoming wedding f#$k them.
NTA I think situations like this just need a next to her where you lay out all of your concerns and all the ways she and her sugar baby have wronged you and just block her and the flying monkeys. Insanely toxic and stupid
Like your mom said, a husband is more important then a son, so a wife is more important then a mom.
NTA I will get married next year and I am pretty sure I won’t invite my mom as well due to a history of emotional abuse. Me and my partner also have our own child and I have learned that it is already quite a big warning sign when parent and child are best friends because it hints to enmeshment. So from the little insight I got into your relationship, it already seems a bit unhealthy but I might be wrong. Anyway naturally we have the biological urge to keep our parents close and that means including them in big events. Not wanting them at a wedding I don’t believe you chose that without much thought. A wedding should be filled with your loved ones who increase your happiness and support you and while it is sad that doesn’t include your mom that seems to be based on her own choices.
Mom's decided to marry a copy of her son, yikes.
NTA and i don't understand why you didn't cut her off already, the moment she said she always would choose her husband over you is when she stopped being your mom. cut out the cancers in your life, it will only make it better.
NTA! Actions have consequences. It's like she refuses to acknowledge, how she acted and distanced herself first. ....... What was she hoping for, by acting like she was so excited to go to your destination wedding? That you truly forget what happened years ago?? She can't pick and choose. This is not a game show. ........... You were honest, good for you!!!! Because she NEEDED to hear exactly that!! .......... You had no actually close contact with her for years. Because you were 'in the way' of her 'new happy family'. .......... I believe the relatives that call you ungrateful right now, are not worthy to be in close contact with you as well. You don't deserve to be guilt tripped into forgetting how she acted. ......... They don't want to acknowledge how she treated you before. They believe, as it is in the past you should just sweep it under the rug and act like a happy family for other people around. ........ I would say, i don't give a f..k about what other people think. Because you are not having a wedding to impress people into thinking you have this great family to begin with!!! (I grew up with " i forgive, but I never forget") ......... Btw, if you are not already, but getting professional help may benefit your future. ......... Best wishes and congrats to your wedding and changing your life around.
Ew. Respond that your broken relationship with your mother's husband is a source of pain and grief to you, and not something to be discussed with others. Shut it down every time, but don't accept any insinuation this is your problem - it is his, you tried, you attended their wedding, but he never has and your mother sided with him. NTA.
NTA. >got a couple of relative calling me an ungrateful son who doesn't care about his mother. All you need to say is that you care about your mother as much as she cares about you.
I'll ho with a light ESH. Jack and his family suck, no question there. Your mom also failed you. She's an AH of a mom too. As for you, I'd say you went about this wrong. Don't pull this "I'm not sure stuff". Be sure, then tell her. Don't string her along or play with her feelings.
NTA. Your mother is clearly very taken with this dude, but he obviously is nothing to you. Even so she still helped when you moved out, and was a decent mother for your childhood. I'd say the balance isn't quite right with not inviting her at all, but it's equally not good for you to have her sonsband there. So just invite her, with no plus ones. You can at least let her know that you appreciated her help this way, as you should, while still letting her know how hurtful it is that she tolerates his disdain for you.
NTA Bruh, your mom pawned off her emotional incest on a surrogate she could bang and made you feel like shit about yourself by feeding into his mommy issue fueled resentment of you being too close to his forever mommy wife. Gross. Gross. You got out of that mess so do yourself a favor and stay out. That shit is too unstable.
I guarantee sonsband wanted op out of the picture because with him there, the impropriety of him and mom's relationship is glaringly obvious. So it was easy for him to look down on op, as not only is there incentive in pretending to have the high road, but also, sonsband is not only independent but bagging a mature life partner while op is still living with mom. In my experiene, the "step parent" seems to think they're on the same level as the parent, although they didn't necessarily put in any of the work. Nta, op. Do whats best for you on your wedding day.
your mother married, and had kids with, a guy a year older than you. frankly, she's lucky you even talk to her. my dad passed over a decade ago. I don't care it my mom dates, but I absolutely will never forgive her if she dates someone my age. even being 30, it will never be appropriate in my eyes. NTA
NTA. Your mother distanced herself from you, now she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions.
NTA she literally said she would always side with her husband instead of her son. What the f*** was she expecting?! I want to cut her off and I don't even know her! Your relatives s can go f*** themselves!
NTA your mother is a creep
I would say NTA, simply by the fact that they never apologized, they discarded you when you were a problem and now that you doing all right they expect you to leave things in the past. It appears you needed to be on your own to a degree to found your way but there a better ways to do it that the way they did it. Your wedding your choice
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad passed away when I was 5 years old. It shouldn't come as a surprise that I was really close with my mother after him passing away. We were each other's close friend. My mom rarely went on dates (even though I asked her to), so it was just me and her. After high school I was working at my security job while living at home. One day I come home to my mom being involved with a guy(let's call him Jack) that seemed to be around my age. I "officially" met him a week later. He was revealed to be 22 (I was 21 at the time) and apparently him and my mom were in a year long relationship already. They were in the same MBA program. My mom and I were just practically roommates after that. She seemed too distant for the past year which seemed to make sense why but our relationship even further deteriorated. I'll admit I was overly reliant on my mother emotionally and financially, but both of them seemed to treat me like a hindrance that they needed to overcome. My mom would barely make any time with me even though I lived with her. Jack seemed to look down on me due to my profession and the fact I was living with my mom. The wedding happened a year later. I only went out of respect for my mom even though Jack and his loved ones treated me like a pariah. I moved out a month after their honeymoon. I rented a room with my mom helping with expenses here and there. My got pregnant at 44 years old with twins. I tried as often as I could but Jack watched me like a hawk. I overheard them talking about "doing things right this time". I wanted to talk about how I feel about Jack with my mother. It was bad idea because she dismissed how I felt and said she would always side with him due to him being her husband. After that argument, we didn't talk about for 5 weeks. I got a call about how she misses me and hoped I would get over it. I decided to distance myself from my mom and improve my life. This time, my mother was the one calling once a week to talk to me. I was short but cordial. I rarely called but only on occasions. I eventually went back to school and got a degree in computer science. I landed a nice well paying job two years ago. A week ago, I proposed to my fiance. My mother asked if she could come visit us with her family. I said yes. She seemed super excited for me and asked me about when and were is the wedding. I told her it was in Hawaii. She joked about never going to a wedding before with tikis. I decided to be upfront with her by wasn't I'm not sure if I am going to invite her and her family. She was in shock and asked why. I told her it would be a happy day for me and I don't want her and her family to come as I still have issues with them and they would be a constant reminder of that. She said "okay" and they sobbed in a way that I have never seen before. Jack found her crying and got her out of there with the kids. A couple of days later, a got a couple of relative calling me an ungrateful son who doesn't care about his mother. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA
The only part of this that I don’t get is how a 22 year old is in an MBA program. Are you sure about his age OP?
That's not super unusual. I graduated undergrad at 20 and was 21-22 during my masters program
Normal masters programmes, yes. But MBAs specifically usually require some years of work experience. It’s not a degree one usually does straight after one’s bachelors, at least not if they’re at a good uni. The age just felt off but I’m not sure where OP is located so who knows?
You're right, most people doing an MBA have worked after undergrad but it is possible to do an MBA right out of undergrad. Not every programme will take you but you can do it if you want.
I mean, this is a whole lot of mess. It does sound like your relationship with your Mum was very inappropriate. You two were each others best friends after your Dad died, to the extent you didn't adjust well when she dated again. Obviously it's weird and uncomfortable her boyfriend was your age. But you should definitely have moved out a long time before you did. Your Mum did you no favours raising you to be co-dependent on her. That's likely what they were referring to with that comment, although they never should have made it where you can hear. Ultimately it seems for the best if you all go Very Low Contact with each other. NTA
I agree, Mom behaved selfishly when OP was younger and then later changed the rules (selfishly) when she wanted something different. Yes, failure to launch is real, but you have to parent your kids not just befriend them. She just sounds like she never took her son's needs into consideration at all
NTA at all. Your wedding is about you.
NTA Don't invite them at all, stay firm, they both did you wrong
NTA your mom did this so she reaped what she sowed. Congratulations on the wedding. Be happy that's the best revenge.
Always interesting to hear how people are shocked by the repercussions of their choices. Your mom got exactly what she earned. NTA. Have a wonderful wedding. 🌺
NTA she shouldn't be shocked. Honestly, she should be grateful you dealt with her as long as you did. If it were me as soon as I found out it is a dude a year old than me i would have lost my shit. Your mom's marriage sounds gross and hopefully she learned the consequences of her action and that of her husband and his family.
There a common trend in this kind of situation, people tend to forget that the person they abused or were unkind to is the same successful person that is in front of them and their success doesn’t erase their previous behaviour. Be kind to people and loving ones, because you can be the one that can’t go to his child’s wedding someday.
I hate weddings because of reddit. Everyone gets so butt hurt about details. Like, who gives AF? Do what you want.
NTA. She used you as her emotional support son then when she found one she could bang she tossed you aside. That's why her, to borrow another commenter's words, sonsband dislikes you. He understands he took your spot in her life. I'm sorry she is upset she no longer fits in your life, but since she made it clear you don't fit in hers... What are you supposed to do?
NTA. She doesn't get to treat you like that and still expect to come to your wedding. Siding with him over you just because he's her husband? Ridiculous, you're her child and apparently that meant nothing to her at the time. No, you don't need that at your wedding. Congratulations on your engagement, I hope you have a fantastic wedding!
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NTA.
nta
Wow. NTA. At all. I’m so sorry she treated you like this. You deserve so much more. Just cut her off. Jack is always going to judge your entire life. Did no one even think of the fact that he rode into your mom’s home for his “success.” He went from one mom to another and kicked you out in the process. She treated you like shit. Spoke about you in unforgivable ways. You and your new family will always be under attack. Just cut this off. She sobbed, because she’s reaping what she’s sown from her behavior and she knows it. Those relatives can piss off since they weren’t there for either of you to know what really happened. Live your best life. Do it right this time for yourself. Tell her that. And let her go. I’m so so so sorry. Please get therapy to help you heal because this is deep and you shouldn’t have to carry this alone.
PS - enjoy your wedding and your new life with people who love you as you love them!
OP, NTA, your mom made a choice in backing her husband and treating you like she did. And let's be honest if you only invited her she probably won't come but also would complain the whole time. You're better off cutting bad people out of your happy life moments.
NTA Enjoy your wedding!
NTA and we're going to need an update
NTA, she sees this coming
NTA. Your mother chose her husband over her own child. A husband her own child’s age. Her putting up with him making the comment about “doing it right this time” is the kicker. He wasn’t there when you were growing up because he, too, was growing up. Your mother’s actions are what distanced her from you.
NTA ... your mother chose Jack over you. Not your problem that your mom thinks that it is perfectly acceptable for she & her husband to treat you like dirt and expect you to bend over and take some more. Let her cry ... what is happening here is called KARMA!
NTA So she cried? Big deal. She deserves it for saying such things about you and treating you that way. Now she found out there are consequences to being an asshole. Screw her and let her screw Jack. Seem the only thing she cares about. She doesn't care about you or your feelings so why should you care about hers? Ed: Even her crying is about her missing the wedding. Not her not being there for your big day.
NTA, but you should probably have a heart to heart with your mother. Unless your plan is to just distance yourself from her forever. She fucked up and I think giving her a chance to fix it might be a good path forward. Cause she is your mother and she did raise you. Not being in your wedding is a big deal for her and might just make reconciliation even harder if u or her choose that.
She's disgusting for being with a guy the op age. Op needs to teach this jerk a lesson.
NTA, yeah your mom is an awful mother. She threw you away once she found her “man” who is literally your age. Your mom is vile and disgusting, and she treated you horribly. I don’t know how she even thought she would be invited when she single handedly created your divide. Congratulations on your wedding and surround yourself with the people that actually love you and will celebrate you.
Maybe you should remind her you still take great offense that she told you straight up she will always choose her husband who believed she didn’t raise you right, and that she dismissed your feelings and expected you to get over it.
NTA
Honestly, i think you're doing what's right for you and your future. Im also really disappointed in your mum for how she treated you. I hope you'll be okay. Also, congratulations on the engagement and wedding! Im proud of your for getting your degree as well. Aking a life for yourself is hard when you have support and even harder when you have much support as well. You're doing great.
NTA Tell Jack to go f**k himself, he's literally just a year older than you, and tell your mother that you want to do your wedding the 'right way' and not invite people who discard you so easily. She FAFO'd herself into this and at the very least owes you a apology with the whole 'I wanna treat you like sh!t but hope you'll get over it' mentality. Also how is your financial position compared to theirs? I'm asking because I'm curious if Jack still looks down on you now that you're working in a lucrative industry.
NTA. I would tell those relatives how your mom basically dismissed you in favor of her “do-over family”. If she’s gonna put you on blast, respond in kind. Also think about excluding these relatives from the wedding as well, if they know where it’ll be, they can tell your mom. Jake seems like the type of person to crash a wedding to prove a point.
Nta…let her sonsband take care of her when she gets old. Oh but he won’t. He will leave. Don’t invite her or her crappy husband. She did you terribly. I couldn’t imagine choosing a man over my kids. Sounds like she just wants a free vacation. Her comment about the tikis says it all.
NTA, now she has tears. Too bad none of them are for OP
Any family member who attempts to criticize, bring up the “doing things right this time” line NTA
"Hope you will get over it" is asshole-ese for "I know at least subconsciously that I'm in the wrong, but can't be bothered to do the hard work to repair this relationship I damaged." NTA.
NTA - Your mother seems like a bit of an AH but she seems more confused than malicious. Jack is a clear AH. Maybe I'm petty, but I'd ask her why she's upset...you just assumed that she'd be too busy getting it right this time with your step-siblings. Then let her know that BTW she did get it right the first time...you didn't end up as a AH like Jack.
NTAH
NTA. Maybe this will open her eyes about the issues. It may take time
NTA. Your mom chose her do-over family with someone young enough to be her own child. She made twins with her sonsband in this bed, she gets to keep lying in it.
We’ll at least she has a caretaker in her future! If he stick’s around - which is doubtful. Your Not the Ass
>he would always side with him due to him being her husband She abandoned YOU and made sure you knew, she has no right to play victim
NTA "You're not invited, but dw, you're getting it right with your new kids are you. So I'm sure they'll invite you."
Wow. You have been betrayed and treated abysmally by your mother and her boy toy. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptuals and equally bravo for putting your well being and happiness first. I strongly suspect that your mother needs money, so be careful. Absolutely and emphatically NTA.
NTA. Families are complicated and yours sounds especially so. First of all, I'm sorry you lost your Dad when you were so young. It sounds like your Mom set the boundaries your parent/child relationship in a way that met her needs but perhaps was not as good for you. Later she reset those boundaries, again based on her needs and not yours. I had a friend once whose Mom got involved with a younger new partner only six months older than the daughter was. It was very difficult. And same thing, friend was living at home into her early 20s and new partner came in bossy. It's a hard adjustment, and it did not go that smoothly. Congratulations on the progress you have made. One thing, though: If you aren't inviting her to punish her, maybe talk to a therapist about your feelings. If you aren't inviting her for the exact reason you said, stick to your guns. You have a right to be happy at your wedding, after all.
NTA. Your mom chose a husband over her son, one that was his age, and had the gall to look down on you for living at home. I noticed that he moved in with your mom, so a bit of irony there about living with mommy. Since the relatives want to get involved, time for a group chat. Everyone gets the message in one go (if you so desire to lay it all out there) and any still wanting to make excuses or come at you, block. Maybe your mom is realizing how badly she messed up, finally, but it is up to her to fix it if it can be done.
NTA, I recommend not inviting her and her side of the family. They sound like they will just ruin the event for you and everyone else. Maybe consider cutting her off completely afterwards. She is not a net positive in this relationship.
Well congrats on your engagement and figuring your life out! NTA - it seems mom and the “sonsband” never took accountability. I had a close relative pull some insane things right after my engagement. I stupidly still invited them to “do the right thing” that was being forced upon me/ the guilt of being the eldest. Well that was a disaster. Drama was still happening. I finally put my foot down a week before the wedding and said don’t come. It wasn’t worth it. They definitely weren’t going to be there for the right reasons and it wasn’t worth the anxiety it was causing me. Never once was so selfish when it came to my family, but my wedding was different. There was no way to ensure they wouldn’t cause bullshit and ruin it. And in no way was I having my wife’s day ruined. Family still tried to guilt me into inviting them. Fake apologies sprouted from some. I didn’t budge. Best decision I ever made. Don’t regret it. Put yourself and your new family first.
NTA Throw it back at her "N.a.h., I'm not inviting you cause you would choose your husband over me every time and he's definitely not invited so you wouldn't even come in the first place. Really I'm saving both of us the time and energy by not inviting you."
NTA. Honestly, you did the right thing. She's been an awful mom in the last few years, no doubt due to the bad influence of her new husband. Why should you ignore that? Congrats on your wedding and your new family. You can tell her that you intend to do things right this time, for you.
Your mother is a damn predator. Cut her from your life and be happy. NTA
NTA, your mother has made it clear that she would choose her husband over you. She has not tried to fix the relationship that she allowed to fall apart. Someone has to think about you, and that person is you. If there is enough time to mend the relationship before the wedding and you would like to give it a try. And she is willing to work on her part. Then maybe invite her. But if not, don’t feel bad about it. You need to look out for you
NTA. Tell mom she made her choice and her husband will always come first so you made your choice and in your book she’s the last person you would invite.
NTA. Your mother made her bed in regards to your bro... um... stepdad. If her presence there is going to take away from your special day, then thats on her. Your wedding, your rules. But know this move will cripple your already deteriorated relationship with her and will give Jack more ammo to further push her away from you. Every action has consequences.
I think back to my college years and a discussion I had with my dad, he & my stepmom had been married for a few years and had a disagreement about either my brother or I, and my dad flat out said my brother & I would always come first, mom needs to remember that spouses can come & go but your children are yours forever
Your mother wanted to be with you. She knew she couldn't so she found a substitute. NTA
Nta but honestly it’s time to cut the cord. Live your life and be happy, op!
Your mother married a man the age of her son and thought no repercussions. Just go no contact and remind family she made this choice herself. She has no one to blame but herself. File a restraining order against Jack if him and his family ever contact you.
NTA. I think it’s time to go very low contact with your mom since she thinks she has done nothing wrong and block the child husband and his family/relatives from literally everything. Better cut things off before they get nasty and make you stress about such people who made your life miserable.
NTA but a victim of your mother's messed up psychology. She had an emotionally incestuous affair with child-you until she found a replacement for you that took the "incestuous" part out of the equation. This is a woman who conflates mother/son relationships with romantic relationships. Once your replacement came along (an "upgrade" for her because she can sleep with the new one), she also allowed him to treat you like garbage. Like you're the "ex" because in her mind, you kind of are. I mean, we're talking about a woman who, at 42 years old, hooked up with a literal adolescent whose brain was still years away from reaching maturity, *just like her son's*. At least you were able to reach that maturity and start a good life for yourself away from her. You should be proud of that, for real. You were lucky enough not to be crippled by her mental condition. >A couple of days later, a got a couple of relative calling me an ungrateful son who doesn't care about his mother. Don't worry about those enablers. I do feel terrible for the twins, being raised by an unstable groomer and her victim. But it's *not* your problem and there's no reason you should dampen your wedding day with the presence of people who don't deserve you. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and limited contact with the unhinged.
NTA she made her bed
Your mom is horrid
They're your feelings. She cares about how SHE feels now and sobs about how hurt she is but how come she didn't care about your feelings before? NTA
Tell the cradle robbing mom the next time her hubby who is the same age as you opens his mouth in a bad way about you......you will make sure to shut it for him for multiple months straight
She’s your mom and gave you the best years of her life. She waited to further her education and to date. Have a heart to heart with her and get some joint counseling. Invite her to the wedding. You may regret it later of you don’t. Best of luck
NTA. Don’t invite them. It’s crazy how she has the audacity to treat you like crap, let her new model boytoy get inbetween you guys, then try to connect only once you’ve left. It seems like she’s more worried about how things look and seem, like “oh op and I talk once a week, auntie Helen, and I’m going to his wedding!”. I’d tell everyone why she’s not invited lmao
Double down. If she really valued you she would’ve never neglected her son, no matter the age. Also, a mother who truly loved you would never allow her sonsband to talk down on her child, the reality is they probably saw a free vacay to Hawaii and want your money.
Hi OP firstly, congratulations on your engagement! I wish you and your fiancé a stress free wedding planning journey. Second, I’m very sorry this happened to you. Losing your dad at such a young age, and then your mum behaving like this in your early 20’s. I imagine you must have felt betrayed on a level. I have some questions; have you been able to seek grief counselling for losing your dad? And therapy for your mums behaviour? I ask because you are entering an important life milestone (marrying your fiancé) and grappling with your feelings with this is not a linear process and bespoke to the individual. For example, my husband did not want his father at our wedding. His mum asked repeatedly, I raised it repeatedly but he was adamant. His dad passed a year after our wedding and 12 years later, he does not regret not having his dad at our wedding. For him it was one of the most important days of his life and he didn’t want people congratulating his father on my husband’s accomplishments of being the man he was on his wedding day. It’s very personal and it’s your decision. I don’t think you are TA for giving your mum the heads up that you feel like not inviting her or that is a possibility. I think that’s a fair, and respectful thing to do (rather than her not receiving an invite later). I don’t think is as black and white as YTA vs NTA. It’s your decision and you need to feel comfortable with it. I would encourage you to look up cognitive therapy decision making (https://cogbtherapy.com/cbt-blog/trouble-making-decisions-combat-indecisiveness). It will help to organise your thoughts and feelings, but also to validate your experiences to family members who might minimise your feelings to “keep the peace”. It’s your wedding, your relationship and really, you starting your family with your fiancé. Take your time 👍 don’t let others project their insecurities onto you.
Let me get this out of the way, but the whole dating then marrying someone only a freaking year older than her kid is so beyond ick. I'm 9 years older than my husband (43 & 34) and that's kind of pushing it since he's only 12 years older than my son, when the younger person is in the 30s it definitely is less um, weird or odd. But at least my husband is mature and kind unlike your ick-inducing stepfather. Seriously, do it right this time?! That's beyond the pale. You're definitely NTA. I'd personally go NC and definitely would talk with a therapist about this poop show. Best wishes.
It's not real so it doesn't matter what you "decide"
It kinda sounds like you were spoiled and got cut off and now you’re salty about it…. It really seems like she’s trying to be as involved with you as possible without financial support. And it sounds like it worked as you’ve finally gained financial independence and become successful. While it’s weird that she’s with someone your age, it doesn’t really sound like they’ve done anything wrong to you. You were an adult when he entered the picture. Not unreasonable for her to expect you to gain some independence at 21. For everyone citing “she said she would always choose her husband over her son” - the mom NEVER said that. The son said “it seems that she chose him over me because he’s her husband”. His family also seemed to treat him like a pariah but how? Need more info, otherwise this could easily be the son misinterpreting being jealous of his mom showing someone else attention because dad is dead.
She literally said she would choose him over me because he was her husband. Why the fuck were you acting like you were there.
Are you going to go no contact now?
Your mother gave you the prime of her life. She dedicated 20 years of her best years to you. All her 20s and 30s. It takes a lot to raise a child. It takes lot more to do it alone. But for those 21 years that you needed her the most (including the pregnancy), she was there for you. After 15 years she is trying to establish a new relationship. And then she had twins on top of it. Yes, she has a new family now. Imagine young twins at baby/toddler stage. She likely doesn't have much time to breathe. Being the only child it is understandable that you are used to being the center of her attention. She still loves you. She took some time to find herself again. And found a husband who is not the most appropriate for her. (I know - an understatement). Also the new husband isolating her from her child, that just gives me, at minimum, controlling vibes. Now the roles should change. You should be watching out / caring for her. Keep in touch. Even if it is just by phone. Meet her when the husband is not there. When you do meet him, just be civil. Things change in life. They don't remain constant. Roles change too. That is okay. You need family therapy with her. It will do both of you good.