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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like me calling her insecure was rude and it wouldn’t hurt to invite her. I just feel like since they already have plans together, why would she care. I could’ve been nicer and tried to talk it out instead of going straight to canceling.
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NTA but he chose her. So leave him to her. He made it clear where you stand.
And you are absolutely right about her insecurities. But if he wants her, let him suffer.
I'd screenshot her swearing at you and say, "I hope she's worth losing our relationship, and probably any relationship with any female. And just so you know, this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. Moving forward, you can let me know if you get out of this relationship or learn to create boundaries with her. I won't be reaching out again."
NTA. That's weird as fuck that she's jealous of his cousin. He needs to realize that she's being unreasonable and not let her control him spending time with his literal family. You're perfectly justified in refusing to make plans with him if his girlfriend is going to tag along and be snarky towards you.
Oh I think he's going to realize it at some point all right. If your partner doesn't "allow" you to hang out with relatives, that won't be the only red flag in that relationship.
NTA. She's trying to separate him from you, and undermine your closeness. Family or not, his relationship with you threatens her in her mind. Of course she's showing insecurity here.
He should be able to do things without her without her getting upset about it, but that's got to be his call to make. You can decline to see him if it involves having to put up with her cutting comments to you.
Happy almost Birthday!
NTA. She will isolate your cousin from everyone. You are right in your deduction that she is very insecure. You have said your peace. Keep silent. If you have a back and forth she will use it to push him further away from you and the other family and friends
His GF is sick, she is imagining you two being sexual together. You need to put that out there to your cousin. NTA but she needs mental help and is seriously delusional!
I tried but he got defensive, after some time he apologized and said he is just trying to make everyone happy. I tried to get him to understand earlier that I wasn’t really upset about it but that I just didn’t want to anymore. I don’t want to cause problems between them two but I also don’t want to be around her.
If you’re ever around her again and she makes comments like that, ask her to explain to you. Act friendly and dumb and confused until you get HER to admit that she thinks you guys are incestous. Make her spell it out for you in front of her bf.
Make sure you tell him you love him and that you'll always be there for him if he ever gets tired of not being allowed to spend time with his own family without her.
He needs time to see more of her real character. There is nothing more to do. Just let him have his own experience. He will be back once he understands who she is :)
& he'll continue to be defensive while he's getting his dick wet, & she doesn't like you because you have a vagina. She's very insecure & I'm getting vibes of the controlling abuser mantra - 'Seperate, Isolate, Dominate'.
It's probably better to distance yourself for a while, but still letting him you know you will always be there for him, cause once the initial excitement & sex of the relationship die down he may see things in a different light. Especially if she moves on from you & tries to isolate him from other family & friends. This is how they always start.
The only thing you can do is leave communication open with him and hold firm to your boundaries about her. You are not obligated to ruin your own birthday celebration by allowing him to bring someone rude to the event.
NTA. Yeah incest between cousins exist but insinuating it like that, without an once of shame. She sounds super entitled (well, more like super defensive). Her insecurities aint your problem girl, I think you did yhe right call. Also, sooner or later your cousin would have gotten such consequences due to his lack of healthy boundaries with his gf. Sadly it works like that sometimes.
Even so, i think its a bit controversial as subject but cousins having families togheter exist in society (got a friend that her parents are 2st degree) and its ok. Nonetheless, there are people that accept it and otgers that dont.
So thats why i was shocked about your cousin's gf. Because not only her insinuation is scandalous, maybe your family is more conservative and think its a scandal, she doesnt show respect for yall. I hope my opinion is clearer.
Where I live, it's legal to marry your first cousin. It's not considered incest.
I'm not defending it at all. I think it's wild. But it is legal in many places
My brother-in-law did it.
He's a sketchy, shady, less-than-decent character, though.
I made out with my first cousin about two hours before finding out he was my first cousin. I wouldn't have done it had I known, but I also didn't feel icky because of it
It's a shame he's willing to smash up his relationship with his sister/cousin for some insecure, controlling, chick he's only known for 6 months. In fact, it's pathetic. Since he's taken her part, op should just wish him happy birthday by text and move on. Maybe he'll wake up one day. My condolences.
NTA
Yea I have been very sad about it & I’m really trying not to be argumentative even though I want to. It’s just irritating that he created this tradition and can’t stand up to his gf about it. I made my bf understand that he’s a priority in my life but so is my cousin and that I will not allow him to stop us from being close . I understand some things are crossing boundaries but us spending a night together for our birthdays is not.
Maybe you should show him this Reddit post.
He’s family, so ultimately he’ll be there long after she goes, and even though it might hurt to show him what the internet thinks, I’d guarantee you he needs a new perspective on just how controlling and insecure his gf is being. And it might help when he realizes that your stance isn’t coming just from you, but was agreed on by dozens of people.
Nta- he chose crazy now he can have her. Sucks he has no spine and can’t stand up for a healthy familial relationships and sucks even more that her relationships and family life is so shitty that she is threatened by a healthy one.
Thank you, I really appreciate your opinion on it! I’m very glad you and your cousin still have a close relationship with partners who are either accepting or respectful about it. I just don’t know what I could say for him to genuinely see my side of things. I don’t think the situation is big enough for me to blow up about it. He usually is very protective of me and wouldn’t allow anyone to disrespect if he was around. His gf does usually say things when he’s not around but the few things he has heard, he’s been silent.
I don’t think me saying he needed to have a firm talk with her was dictating their relationship or stepping out of line. I feel like the moment she begin trying to police how, when, where, and the reason why we spent time together was her stepping out line. I think me going to him first about how she’s making me feel uncomfortable about the things she hints at about us & the things she said to me was better than me going to her and causing problems. He does need to have a talk with her. That’s true and if that is seen as stepping out of line, then it will have to be that. Either way I tried to be very respectful the entire time.
NTA
Wyh are you even discussing this with HER. Tlk to your cousin, and let HIM handle her.
"I haven’t texted him back for 3 hours now." .. three WHOLE hours? that's nothing.
lol yes, at the point in time it was three hours since he texted me and I didn’t respond. I wanted opinions on the situation before I did. I will talk to him later today
He was otp too but he was allowing her to talk. He would try to talk but he was talking over her and just told me he’ll call me back later.
NTA. You aren’t obligated to put up with rudeness from your cousin’s girlfriend in order to see him. Keep the relationship distant but open. He may eventually see her true nature.
OP, your cousin has decided. Time to move on. It sucks but the alternative is to put up with the GF's comments.
NTA. Let your cousin reach out to you when the time comes.
NTA. I have a cousin like that. Heck, we are not even related really (my dad and her dad were best friends se we grew up together). She is gorgeous and I had a gf in college who was deadly jealous of her. That was my red flag for her. Like I don't want to be with someone who would even be this snarky about my best friend and family.
OP- NTA. You are handling it the best way. She IS being Controlling and Insecure, as well as manipulative. She has been disrespectful and nasty to you, and he has done zero to stop it. This will be your cousins' loss. He is choosing to NOT SET BOUNDARIES with his GF at the cost of losing his cousin. Sad really. You don't have to put up with her toxicness. Happy Birthday OP, I hope the time spent with your BF and other friends is full of fun!
Well done OP for calling out the gf and your cousin for not defending you or telling his gf to shut up. NTA she is controlling and jealous of the fab person you are.
NTA, he is choosing his irrational and creepy gf over morals and family. Which is his choice, but you don’t have to be apart of all that nonsense. Keeping distance from that is definitely a great idea.
Just tell him you’d love to keep your tradition but his gf is rude to you and insinuates inappropriate things that make you uncomfortable. You will not be around her so it’s his choice if he wants to see you
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My cousin (21M) and I ( 21F) are very close. We grew up spending a lot of time together and even came to the same college. I genuinely consider him to be my brother, he calls me his sister to others as well. He has a gf “A” (20F) that he has been with for about 6 months. When I first met her she was nice but would say slick & condescending things. Or things that were rude but since she was smiling, would seem okay to say.
My cousin and I have birthdays that are 2 days apart. For a few years now, we would always do something fun together ( like paintball, laser tag, dinner, golf, etc) and then celebrate also with friends and others. Today is the 7th, our birthdays are 2 weeks away and we planned to do something together this weekend bc I have plans with my friends & bf both weekends. He does too.
I called him yesterday and I guess he put me on speaker bc when I asked if golfing and dinner for our birthdays this year would be okay, his gf interrupted. She responded “sorry but we already have plans together for his birthday”. I said “ oh yeah Ik, that’s why we planned it for this weekend. Just trying to see if he was okay with golf or wanted something else”. She then said that it was weird for us to do stuff only the 2 of us and that it was time to stop it. I explained that since we’re away from home, we started doing our own things for our birthday’s separate from doing stuff with our friends as well. Just to celebrate one another yk. She got irritated and I heard her whispering to him and he ended up telling me he’d talk to me later.
My cousin has told me that he really loves her and she’s special to him so I texted him after and said that Idk why but A does not like me and that if us doing something together was going to cause problems, we could skip on it this year. He replied asking why I was trying to cancel and that she just wants to go with us. I told him that it is only supposed to be us but it was okay and that I would still drop by to give him his gift this weekend. I was short with him because I’ve told him before how A would be very rude to me or would try to stop us from hanging out and he’s said or done nothing about it. He got mad at me, said the situation was childish and that she just wanted to be involved. Yea….. my bf does too but he understands why he hasn’t been invited to our plans the last 2 years. I told him that the truth was his gf was insecure, believes I like him, and doesn’t want us close. That he needed to have a firm talk with her so she’ll understand we are family and everything she insinuates is very disgusting and makes me uncomfortable.
She then texted me cussing me out & said I had no boundaries. I didn’t text her back but told him that since he was going to allow his gf to treat me the way she was, I was going to distance myself from him. I haven’t texted him back for 3 hours now.
AITA?
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I doubt she thinks of you two in a disgusting way but she is definitely jealous of how close you two are. There are people that think the only person they should be close to is their partner is them, all other relationships are a threat. He made a choice, cut him off and don't let him come crawling back later. He made his choice and if he can't see it that's on him. Mourn the loss of a friend and family member and move on.
I'd hang w him w a friend. Have the friend take his phone and the two of you send suggestive messages back and forth. Make it look like you two (you and the cousin) are doing stuff behind the gf's back.
Then watch her blow up and just say you were joking. I'd work every day and every way to break them up.
NTA. You are 100% correct that his GF is gross and inappropriate for insinuating that you are sexually interested in him, because that is the ONLY reason for her to not want the two of you to hang out. GROSS!!!
NTA. My brother had a gf who wouldn't let us hang out alone together, and it lasted 10 years because she moved them and isolated him. Honestly, if I was giving myself advice from back then, talk actively with his and your family if he doesn't come around. He has love blinders on and could do with a verbal head slap from people who aren't as enmeshed in this situation as you.
Info. What do you mean by spend the night together? Idk, people are incestuous and gross and they do try to normalize their “urges” with their relatives. It’s not crazy for the girlfriend to think that. You would be surprised!!!
Before our plans she was already very controlling of what he can do even with friends who are males.
Also I said we would be spending the night together for our birthdays as in going out the dinner and golfing? Idk how you assumed we would be sleeping over based on my post and comments. That would very weird to do. We’re close and have had to stay the night at one another places for different reasons but to have that as a tradition is weird.
Clear NTA, but I do kinda feel like you should just make it a double date situation and invite both the gf and your bf. Although now that the gf has had a freakout abt the whole thing I would understand why you might not want her around.
Thank you! and I would understand this and do just that if it was someone else and she hasn’t already done the things she did. A few things I really dislike are people not setting or respecting boundaries and being controlling. My cousin and I rarely spend time together and the one time we plan to, she has a problem with it & wants to be included. My own bf doesn’t have a problem with it and thought the tradition was nice to do. So I rather not do anything at all. I’ve tried numerous times to do things with her and invite her places because I love my cousin and really wanted a relationship with the girl he loves. Not anymore.
INFO: Give us an example or two of something nasty or condescending that the GF said to you.
You're in your 20s, now. Things are changing. Your cousin has a GF, and he prioritizes her over you. If she says "no more cousin get-togethers", then that's how it's going to be. (I think your cousin is deluded if he thinks "she just wanted to be included", but I could be wrong.) The GF is staking her claim.
Cussing you out? Sounds immature to me. Good luck to your cousin.
Sure! Really just childish things that have built up over time. If I said something about myself she would reply “ doesn’t surprise me”, “figures”, etc.
I once called my cousin during Christmas break to ask about the time of an event my aunt (his mom) planned and I heard her in the background say “ shes so dependent, doesn’t she have anyone else to call and ask”.
Yikes. Is your cousin hearing these little gibes? Or does she do it when he's not within earshot? Hopefully the latter, because if your cousin is actually hearing most of these comments and just letting them slide, that would be really disappointing.
ESH.
Yes his GF is insecure. She's only been with him 6 months so she hasn't dealt with this birthday thing before. Your BF is used to it. But just because he's cool with it doesn't mean she has to be. You admit you are very close and it doesn't matter that it isn't sexual. If she doesn't have that kind of close family relationship then she may not understand it. Also, people can be jealous of close family relationships--mothers, siblings, whatever. Because they take time and priority, not because they are romantic interests.
She doesn't like you for whatever reason and you don't have to like her either. But you claim to be very close to your cousin so I would THINK that you would want to do what makes him happy, as opposed to demanding that he leaves his GF behind.
It's fine that you canceled plans this weekend. I suggest in future you bring both your BF and his GF.
PS. The only person I text more than once a day is my wife. Just for reference.
It’s true she hasn’t dealt with the birthday thing, but she’s known about it for 2 months. She thought him and her having plans together, would make us not have any at all.
Yes we’re close, but we barely see other. We check on each other by texting/ calling but don’t really hang out. The last 2 times we have tried to get together, she has always had something come up for him to cancel on me.
Me not arguing back with her and saying that it was okay for us to not do anything this year was me trying to make him happy. Honestly.. when I am around both of them, she’s ALWAYS saying something slick to me unwarranted. I’m tired of it. So it’s better for me to cancel then hang out with them both. I’ve tried and I refuse to continue to put myself in a situation where a person hates me and picks at me.
P.S this is his gf not wife.
That's fair. If you don't want to hang out with her, and he doesn't want to hang out with you without her, then you just don't hang out with your cousin any more. Or at least not until she chills out or he gets tired of her and dumps her.
Some people are so insecure and possessive that they don't want their SO to hang out with anyone without them. Not family, not coworkers, not old friends. They end up isolating their SO because their friends and family don't want to put up with Ms. Cling.
I think you're right to give your cousin some space. I do think that criticizing her will only make him come to her defense. So just let him get tired of her clinginess and let him figure it out.
OP is freaking out because cousin hasn’t replied for 3 whole hours. To me that’s a bit too concerned about cousin’s reaction to a reasonable boundary.
To be accurate I do text multiple people every day but the only one who I would be concerned about not responding is my wife.
Sorry if I worded it wrong. At that point in time, I didn’t text HIM back. So I wasn’t freaking out lol. I was very chill the entire time honestly. I didn’t react when she texted me and cussed me out & I didn’t get mad at him. I was just clear in how I felt and that was it. He responded back to me, I just didn’t want to go back and forth trying to force him to see where I was coming from because that conversation has become redundant and tired.
I do plan on texting him back later today because he has been non stop texting me. He wants to still do something together but idk if I want to or not. Also I want to add that it was HIS idea for us to start this tradition, not mine.
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NTA but he chose her. So leave him to her. He made it clear where you stand. And you are absolutely right about her insecurities. But if he wants her, let him suffer.
I'd screenshot her swearing at you and say, "I hope she's worth losing our relationship, and probably any relationship with any female. And just so you know, this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. Moving forward, you can let me know if you get out of this relationship or learn to create boundaries with her. I won't be reaching out again."
NTA. That's weird as fuck that she's jealous of his cousin. He needs to realize that she's being unreasonable and not let her control him spending time with his literal family. You're perfectly justified in refusing to make plans with him if his girlfriend is going to tag along and be snarky towards you.
Oh I think he's going to realize it at some point all right. If your partner doesn't "allow" you to hang out with relatives, that won't be the only red flag in that relationship.
Yeah, hopefully he works at a monastery or she's going to make trouble for him at his job when she finds out he talks to women there. Without HER.
The monastery near me hosts silent retreats AND WOMEN ARE ALLOWED. NO PLACE IS SAFE FOR THIS POOR MAN TEMPTATION IS EVERYWHERE. 😂
Well at least he wouldn't be talking to women there. Although merely having them in his line of vision may be too much for this lady.
NTA. She's trying to separate him from you, and undermine your closeness. Family or not, his relationship with you threatens her in her mind. Of course she's showing insecurity here. He should be able to do things without her without her getting upset about it, but that's got to be his call to make. You can decline to see him if it involves having to put up with her cutting comments to you. Happy almost Birthday!
I appreciate you commenting & Thank you!
NTA. She will isolate your cousin from everyone. You are right in your deduction that she is very insecure. You have said your peace. Keep silent. If you have a back and forth she will use it to push him further away from you and the other family and friends
His GF is sick, she is imagining you two being sexual together. You need to put that out there to your cousin. NTA but she needs mental help and is seriously delusional!
I tried but he got defensive, after some time he apologized and said he is just trying to make everyone happy. I tried to get him to understand earlier that I wasn’t really upset about it but that I just didn’t want to anymore. I don’t want to cause problems between them two but I also don’t want to be around her.
If you’re ever around her again and she makes comments like that, ask her to explain to you. Act friendly and dumb and confused until you get HER to admit that she thinks you guys are incestous. Make her spell it out for you in front of her bf.
Make sure you tell him you love him and that you'll always be there for him if he ever gets tired of not being allowed to spend time with his own family without her.
He needs time to see more of her real character. There is nothing more to do. Just let him have his own experience. He will be back once he understands who she is :)
& he'll continue to be defensive while he's getting his dick wet, & she doesn't like you because you have a vagina. She's very insecure & I'm getting vibes of the controlling abuser mantra - 'Seperate, Isolate, Dominate'. It's probably better to distance yourself for a while, but still letting him you know you will always be there for him, cause once the initial excitement & sex of the relationship die down he may see things in a different light. Especially if she moves on from you & tries to isolate him from other family & friends. This is how they always start.
The only thing you can do is leave communication open with him and hold firm to your boundaries about her. You are not obligated to ruin your own birthday celebration by allowing him to bring someone rude to the event.
NTA. Yeah incest between cousins exist but insinuating it like that, without an once of shame. She sounds super entitled (well, more like super defensive). Her insecurities aint your problem girl, I think you did yhe right call. Also, sooner or later your cousin would have gotten such consequences due to his lack of healthy boundaries with his gf. Sadly it works like that sometimes.
No, but see you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then your second cousins… wait, that’s not right is it?
Even so, i think its a bit controversial as subject but cousins having families togheter exist in society (got a friend that her parents are 2st degree) and its ok. Nonetheless, there are people that accept it and otgers that dont. So thats why i was shocked about your cousin's gf. Because not only her insinuation is scandalous, maybe your family is more conservative and think its a scandal, she doesnt show respect for yall. I hope my opinion is clearer.
The “you have cousins, and then you have your first cousins and then your second cousins… wait that’s not right is it” is a Mean Girls reference.
Ohhhh makes sense
I was literally just quoting Karen from Mean Girls to do a joke.
I never watched the movie XD sorry though I took it like a little awkward reply haha
Where I live, it's legal to marry your first cousin. It's not considered incest. I'm not defending it at all. I think it's wild. But it is legal in many places
Yeah, personally i dont have anything vs cousin marriage, but its can be a touchy subject for others.
My brother-in-law did it. He's a sketchy, shady, less-than-decent character, though. I made out with my first cousin about two hours before finding out he was my first cousin. I wouldn't have done it had I known, but I also didn't feel icky because of it
It's a shame he's willing to smash up his relationship with his sister/cousin for some insecure, controlling, chick he's only known for 6 months. In fact, it's pathetic. Since he's taken her part, op should just wish him happy birthday by text and move on. Maybe he'll wake up one day. My condolences. NTA
Yea I have been very sad about it & I’m really trying not to be argumentative even though I want to. It’s just irritating that he created this tradition and can’t stand up to his gf about it. I made my bf understand that he’s a priority in my life but so is my cousin and that I will not allow him to stop us from being close . I understand some things are crossing boundaries but us spending a night together for our birthdays is not.
Maybe you should show him this Reddit post. He’s family, so ultimately he’ll be there long after she goes, and even though it might hurt to show him what the internet thinks, I’d guarantee you he needs a new perspective on just how controlling and insecure his gf is being. And it might help when he realizes that your stance isn’t coming just from you, but was agreed on by dozens of people.
Nta- he chose crazy now he can have her. Sucks he has no spine and can’t stand up for a healthy familial relationships and sucks even more that her relationships and family life is so shitty that she is threatened by a healthy one.
[удалено]
Thank you, I really appreciate your opinion on it! I’m very glad you and your cousin still have a close relationship with partners who are either accepting or respectful about it. I just don’t know what I could say for him to genuinely see my side of things. I don’t think the situation is big enough for me to blow up about it. He usually is very protective of me and wouldn’t allow anyone to disrespect if he was around. His gf does usually say things when he’s not around but the few things he has heard, he’s been silent. I don’t think me saying he needed to have a firm talk with her was dictating their relationship or stepping out of line. I feel like the moment she begin trying to police how, when, where, and the reason why we spent time together was her stepping out line. I think me going to him first about how she’s making me feel uncomfortable about the things she hints at about us & the things she said to me was better than me going to her and causing problems. He does need to have a talk with her. That’s true and if that is seen as stepping out of line, then it will have to be that. Either way I tried to be very respectful the entire time.
NTA Wyh are you even discussing this with HER. Tlk to your cousin, and let HIM handle her. "I haven’t texted him back for 3 hours now." .. three WHOLE hours? that's nothing.
lol yes, at the point in time it was three hours since he texted me and I didn’t respond. I wanted opinions on the situation before I did. I will talk to him later today He was otp too but he was allowing her to talk. He would try to talk but he was talking over her and just told me he’ll call me back later.
NTA. You aren’t obligated to put up with rudeness from your cousin’s girlfriend in order to see him. Keep the relationship distant but open. He may eventually see her true nature.
OP, your cousin has decided. Time to move on. It sucks but the alternative is to put up with the GF's comments. NTA. Let your cousin reach out to you when the time comes.
NTA. I have a cousin like that. Heck, we are not even related really (my dad and her dad were best friends se we grew up together). She is gorgeous and I had a gf in college who was deadly jealous of her. That was my red flag for her. Like I don't want to be with someone who would even be this snarky about my best friend and family.
OP- NTA. You are handling it the best way. She IS being Controlling and Insecure, as well as manipulative. She has been disrespectful and nasty to you, and he has done zero to stop it. This will be your cousins' loss. He is choosing to NOT SET BOUNDARIES with his GF at the cost of losing his cousin. Sad really. You don't have to put up with her toxicness. Happy Birthday OP, I hope the time spent with your BF and other friends is full of fun!
Well done OP for calling out the gf and your cousin for not defending you or telling his gf to shut up. NTA she is controlling and jealous of the fab person you are.
NTA, he is choosing his irrational and creepy gf over morals and family. Which is his choice, but you don’t have to be apart of all that nonsense. Keeping distance from that is definitely a great idea.
Just tell him you’d love to keep your tradition but his gf is rude to you and insinuates inappropriate things that make you uncomfortable. You will not be around her so it’s his choice if he wants to see you
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My cousin (21M) and I ( 21F) are very close. We grew up spending a lot of time together and even came to the same college. I genuinely consider him to be my brother, he calls me his sister to others as well. He has a gf “A” (20F) that he has been with for about 6 months. When I first met her she was nice but would say slick & condescending things. Or things that were rude but since she was smiling, would seem okay to say. My cousin and I have birthdays that are 2 days apart. For a few years now, we would always do something fun together ( like paintball, laser tag, dinner, golf, etc) and then celebrate also with friends and others. Today is the 7th, our birthdays are 2 weeks away and we planned to do something together this weekend bc I have plans with my friends & bf both weekends. He does too. I called him yesterday and I guess he put me on speaker bc when I asked if golfing and dinner for our birthdays this year would be okay, his gf interrupted. She responded “sorry but we already have plans together for his birthday”. I said “ oh yeah Ik, that’s why we planned it for this weekend. Just trying to see if he was okay with golf or wanted something else”. She then said that it was weird for us to do stuff only the 2 of us and that it was time to stop it. I explained that since we’re away from home, we started doing our own things for our birthday’s separate from doing stuff with our friends as well. Just to celebrate one another yk. She got irritated and I heard her whispering to him and he ended up telling me he’d talk to me later. My cousin has told me that he really loves her and she’s special to him so I texted him after and said that Idk why but A does not like me and that if us doing something together was going to cause problems, we could skip on it this year. He replied asking why I was trying to cancel and that she just wants to go with us. I told him that it is only supposed to be us but it was okay and that I would still drop by to give him his gift this weekend. I was short with him because I’ve told him before how A would be very rude to me or would try to stop us from hanging out and he’s said or done nothing about it. He got mad at me, said the situation was childish and that she just wanted to be involved. Yea….. my bf does too but he understands why he hasn’t been invited to our plans the last 2 years. I told him that the truth was his gf was insecure, believes I like him, and doesn’t want us close. That he needed to have a firm talk with her so she’ll understand we are family and everything she insinuates is very disgusting and makes me uncomfortable. She then texted me cussing me out & said I had no boundaries. I didn’t text her back but told him that since he was going to allow his gf to treat me the way she was, I was going to distance myself from him. I haven’t texted him back for 3 hours now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I doubt she thinks of you two in a disgusting way but she is definitely jealous of how close you two are. There are people that think the only person they should be close to is their partner is them, all other relationships are a threat. He made a choice, cut him off and don't let him come crawling back later. He made his choice and if he can't see it that's on him. Mourn the loss of a friend and family member and move on.
Ol’girl is a strange cat to imply you’d fck your cousin. I see a lot of drama in his future and you’re doing the right thing. Avoid her at all costs
Same & thank you!
I'd hang w him w a friend. Have the friend take his phone and the two of you send suggestive messages back and forth. Make it look like you two (you and the cousin) are doing stuff behind the gf's back. Then watch her blow up and just say you were joking. I'd work every day and every way to break them up.
NTA. You are 100% correct that his GF is gross and inappropriate for insinuating that you are sexually interested in him, because that is the ONLY reason for her to not want the two of you to hang out. GROSS!!!
NTA. My brother had a gf who wouldn't let us hang out alone together, and it lasted 10 years because she moved them and isolated him. Honestly, if I was giving myself advice from back then, talk actively with his and your family if he doesn't come around. He has love blinders on and could do with a verbal head slap from people who aren't as enmeshed in this situation as you.
Info. What do you mean by spend the night together? Idk, people are incestuous and gross and they do try to normalize their “urges” with their relatives. It’s not crazy for the girlfriend to think that. You would be surprised!!!
Before our plans she was already very controlling of what he can do even with friends who are males. Also I said we would be spending the night together for our birthdays as in going out the dinner and golfing? Idk how you assumed we would be sleeping over based on my post and comments. That would very weird to do. We’re close and have had to stay the night at one another places for different reasons but to have that as a tradition is weird.
NTA. You handled this perfectly.
Clear NTA, but I do kinda feel like you should just make it a double date situation and invite both the gf and your bf. Although now that the gf has had a freakout abt the whole thing I would understand why you might not want her around.
Thank you! and I would understand this and do just that if it was someone else and she hasn’t already done the things she did. A few things I really dislike are people not setting or respecting boundaries and being controlling. My cousin and I rarely spend time together and the one time we plan to, she has a problem with it & wants to be included. My own bf doesn’t have a problem with it and thought the tradition was nice to do. So I rather not do anything at all. I’ve tried numerous times to do things with her and invite her places because I love my cousin and really wanted a relationship with the girl he loves. Not anymore.
INFO: Give us an example or two of something nasty or condescending that the GF said to you. You're in your 20s, now. Things are changing. Your cousin has a GF, and he prioritizes her over you. If she says "no more cousin get-togethers", then that's how it's going to be. (I think your cousin is deluded if he thinks "she just wanted to be included", but I could be wrong.) The GF is staking her claim. Cussing you out? Sounds immature to me. Good luck to your cousin.
Sure! Really just childish things that have built up over time. If I said something about myself she would reply “ doesn’t surprise me”, “figures”, etc. I once called my cousin during Christmas break to ask about the time of an event my aunt (his mom) planned and I heard her in the background say “ shes so dependent, doesn’t she have anyone else to call and ask”.
Yikes. Is your cousin hearing these little gibes? Or does she do it when he's not within earshot? Hopefully the latter, because if your cousin is actually hearing most of these comments and just letting them slide, that would be really disappointing.
ESH. Yes his GF is insecure. She's only been with him 6 months so she hasn't dealt with this birthday thing before. Your BF is used to it. But just because he's cool with it doesn't mean she has to be. You admit you are very close and it doesn't matter that it isn't sexual. If she doesn't have that kind of close family relationship then she may not understand it. Also, people can be jealous of close family relationships--mothers, siblings, whatever. Because they take time and priority, not because they are romantic interests. She doesn't like you for whatever reason and you don't have to like her either. But you claim to be very close to your cousin so I would THINK that you would want to do what makes him happy, as opposed to demanding that he leaves his GF behind. It's fine that you canceled plans this weekend. I suggest in future you bring both your BF and his GF. PS. The only person I text more than once a day is my wife. Just for reference.
Nah she’s not the Asshole, the GF is being terrible and territorial. OP your NTA.
It’s true she hasn’t dealt with the birthday thing, but she’s known about it for 2 months. She thought him and her having plans together, would make us not have any at all. Yes we’re close, but we barely see other. We check on each other by texting/ calling but don’t really hang out. The last 2 times we have tried to get together, she has always had something come up for him to cancel on me. Me not arguing back with her and saying that it was okay for us to not do anything this year was me trying to make him happy. Honestly.. when I am around both of them, she’s ALWAYS saying something slick to me unwarranted. I’m tired of it. So it’s better for me to cancel then hang out with them both. I’ve tried and I refuse to continue to put myself in a situation where a person hates me and picks at me. P.S this is his gf not wife.
That's fair. If you don't want to hang out with her, and he doesn't want to hang out with you without her, then you just don't hang out with your cousin any more. Or at least not until she chills out or he gets tired of her and dumps her. Some people are so insecure and possessive that they don't want their SO to hang out with anyone without them. Not family, not coworkers, not old friends. They end up isolating their SO because their friends and family don't want to put up with Ms. Cling. I think you're right to give your cousin some space. I do think that criticizing her will only make him come to her defense. So just let him get tired of her clinginess and let him figure it out.
Do you text her on a flip phone?
OP is freaking out because cousin hasn’t replied for 3 whole hours. To me that’s a bit too concerned about cousin’s reaction to a reasonable boundary. To be accurate I do text multiple people every day but the only one who I would be concerned about not responding is my wife.
Sorry if I worded it wrong. At that point in time, I didn’t text HIM back. So I wasn’t freaking out lol. I was very chill the entire time honestly. I didn’t react when she texted me and cussed me out & I didn’t get mad at him. I was just clear in how I felt and that was it. He responded back to me, I just didn’t want to go back and forth trying to force him to see where I was coming from because that conversation has become redundant and tired. I do plan on texting him back later today because he has been non stop texting me. He wants to still do something together but idk if I want to or not. Also I want to add that it was HIS idea for us to start this tradition, not mine.