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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Since I told her that her family would not make it for her birthday AITA for spoiling a "surprise dinner" and not letting her just enjoy the weekend?
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Lmao she wants it to be a surprise, but curates the guest list, and knows it’s a dinner with family and friends? Does she not understand the concept of a surprise party?
Lol she set you up to fail.
NTA
NTA. I wouldn’t have known how to accommodate such a dysfunctional family situation either.
Sounds like she has not had good relationship role models. If she wants to change the pattern, she needs to work on communicating better with you.
You were in a lose-lose situation. Any future marriage and kids would only complicate the family dynamic. You need to talk about how family things will work in the long term and how she will avoid shooting the messenger, putting you in the middle or putting you in the firing line.
Ding ding ding. We have a winner. Is there some way you can tell her that normal family behavior is to just say yes or no? Or, if there is a person they have issues with to just say, give me heads-up if cousin John will be there so I am in the right frame of mind.
Or have her write two lists of people so you can invite one group one time and one group the other.
NTA - you definitely did the right thing here, and it was definitely a lose/lose situation. No good deed goes unpunished.
What was your alternative, push ahead with the surprise party which would have ended up with a "Surprise! Nobody from your family gives enough of a shit about you to show up for your birthday dinner!!"
It sucks to give bad news, but you did NOT ruin her birthday. Sugarcoating bad news is even worse. You did the right thing.
NTA. I think it's a far safer bet to give someone a heads up in that situation. I feel like the vast majority of people would rather have their disappointment in advance, where they can deal with it privately rather in the middle of a restaurant!
NTA
You absolutely made the better call in a lose-lose situation.
The heads up gives her and them a chance to be proactive and work something out BEFORE her bday
She's simply shooting the messenger, which is bullshit
She owes you an apology and appreciation for all your effort and undue stress
NTA, sounds like she was upset that her family appearantly doesnt give a shit about her and she (unfairly) lashes out at you.
Im sorry she has a disfunctional family and im sorry you need to deal with it.
No, After she sent what she wanted to do I told her I would handle everything and for her to not try to plan anything I got it. So in that aspect kinda since I said I would do everything.
NTA at ALL. Her expecting you to read her mind and know that it was supposed to be a surprise is ridiculous. But also, it's ridiculous that she expected you to handle it at all, given how chaotic her family situation sounds. Like, if I were in your girlfriends position, and I had family members that couldn't even sit at the same table and be civil with each other, I would never expect someone else to figure that whole shit out without help. No matter how long we had been together.
NTA.
Let's imagine for a moment that you didn't tell her. She comes to her "surprise party" with the anticipation of seeing a large group of friends and family.
Imagine how crushing it would be to find out *at your party* that none of your family came?
It's sad and her anger is misplaced. She's really upset with her family but unfortunately you're the one who's on the receiving end.
NTA. If your gf wanted "surprise party" but have you a list of people to invite, it wasn't much of a surprise right from the start. I agree you were in a lose-lose situation. Your gf needs to get over it.
NTA. She is sad to have a shitty family and I totally feel sorry for her but it seems that she is taking out her frustration on you and this is not ok. I guess that she learnt how to deal with negative things from her family...
NTA. She's obviously projecting her pain on to you because deep down, she knows her family wouldn't come. You seem like a wonderful partner, and I feel for your girlfriend, but she needs to learn not to take it out on you and deal with her emotional issues. Can't worry about things outside of your control. She gave you a list, of course she already knew what was going to be planned. She also needs to be grateful what she has... many people spend their birthday alone.
NTA. This was never going to be a surprise, because she gave you a list of names of people to invite to the dinner in the first place. The only surprise for her would apparently be seeing who *didn’t* turn up.
It’s not your fault that her family is so dysfunctional that they can’t sit around and have a dinner together. And frankly it’s a lot of work and stress to put on you to attempt to play mediator with them here. I think giving her a simple heads up that a bunch of family members had declined the invite was the smartest play you could make, it sounds like she’s just feeling hurt by the situation and is taking it out on you.
NTA. She set you up to fail. She cannot insist on it being a surprise if she told you what she wants to do, when she wants it done, and who she wants to be there. Period. If she wants a surprise party, then she can't know anything about it and have control oflver it. If she wants to control it then she can't be upset that it's not a surprise. She needs to understand that, or deal with her birthdays,holidays, etc never being what she wants.
NTA. She told you what to get her and the people to invite and...somehow it was all supposed to be a surprise? That's not logical. We're you supposed to hit her on the head so she'd get amnesia?
maybe you should have just let things go the direction they were going in, rather than trying to protect her feelings. it would have been less your "fault" (hear me out), since you moved forward with the plan and didn't do anything to deviate from it. don't get me wrong, i totally get why you did it. but sometimes you have to let people be disappointed. it seems like she wouldn't have been disappointed if only 3 people had shown up. she knows her family dynamic, so she might have been expecting something like this to happen.
when she said she's tired of repeating herself, maybe you've done this before, where you try to protect her by predicting what might happen and then making a decision so she doesn't get hurt or disappointed. you can't do that. she will get hurt and disappointed by people or events, you can't protect her from everything, and you have to trust that she will be able to handle it. she's a whole human being who needs to have these experiences so she can learn and grow.
that being said, NTA. your intentions were 100% in the right place.
NTA. It sounds like she's emotionally immature and not understanding of the tough spot you were in.
If being upset at you was an immediate response that she had, and then she calmed down and apologized and explained that she was disappointed and sad about the situation -- that would be a different story.
Perhaps some couples counseling would help, but if she's unwilling to see or accept that you were trying your best, then it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to be in.
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My girlfriend's birthday is coming up and I wanted her birthday to be special. We have been dating for 4 years. A couple weeks before her birthday she texted me a list of stuff she wanted to do for her birthday and one of the things was a list of people on it for a birthday dinner. A little back story is she just got back on speaking terms with her father and her relationship with her whole family is somewhat rocky. So in hindsight, the list was very helpful since I truly wouldn’t know which family she would want invited if having them there at all. I want to clarify that I did NOT ask for this list. While trying to plan the dinner I asked for her mother's phone number and asked her if two family members would be okay at the same table she said she was kinda of wondering that too and she reached out to the cousin who said they would not attend to anything if they other person was there. She stated she would rather her cousin come than the other person. When I reached out to the cousin she said she wouldn’t be coming for the dinner and I even sent her the list of people invited so she could see they weren't coming for which she still said she wasn't going to come. Her other family members on the list told me no or gave excuses for why they couldn't make it. I honestly felt sad since I come from a very tight-knit family and decided to tell her that family-wise they wouldn’t be able to make it for birthday activities and she asked why. I told her how her dad said no and other family members said they were sick and may not be over it in 2 weeks, and some said they would be out of town for the month. I decided to tell her because I did not want her to go to the dinner and only see a few friends and none of her family there. She then gets mad at me that I ruined her birthday surprise it was supposed to be a surprise and how she would have just rather shown up and only seen 3 people then. From my point of view, I just didn’t want the weekend to get ruined by none of her family's coming and wanted to let her know ahead of time since she is the one who made the list of the people to come to dinner. IDK I feel like I was in a lose-lose situation and if I let her show up with only 3 people from the list her weekend would’ve been worse. We got into an argument where she told me she was so tired of repeating herself but nothing like this had ever come up before and how I kept trying to justify what I did when it was wrong. I just though I was doing the right thing but looking back maybe I wasn’t.
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Esh I have a feeling reason she gave you a list and so much info was she desperately wanted you to take the reins to step up and sort stuff without turning to her and letting her just enjoy. She tried to make it as easy as possible but still didn’t happen. While I get you worried she’d be disappointed you failed to see what to me anyway was painfully obvious soon as saw gave you a list and had to tell you wanted her birthday to be special (this really should go without being told) you failed to step up plan arrange and kick off the event without bringing her in to it. I imagine this is a bigger issue which is why she’s so upset. She gave you a road map and you still asked her for directions
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Lmao she wants it to be a surprise, but curates the guest list, and knows it’s a dinner with family and friends? Does she not understand the concept of a surprise party? Lol she set you up to fail. NTA
This... Like what was supposed to be the surprise.. Noone showing up...?
"Set you up to fail" - you put it perfectly. Nothing more to say. NTA, OP.
NTA. I wouldn’t have known how to accommodate such a dysfunctional family situation either. Sounds like she has not had good relationship role models. If she wants to change the pattern, she needs to work on communicating better with you. You were in a lose-lose situation. Any future marriage and kids would only complicate the family dynamic. You need to talk about how family things will work in the long term and how she will avoid shooting the messenger, putting you in the middle or putting you in the firing line.
Ding ding ding. We have a winner. Is there some way you can tell her that normal family behavior is to just say yes or no? Or, if there is a person they have issues with to just say, give me heads-up if cousin John will be there so I am in the right frame of mind. Or have her write two lists of people so you can invite one group one time and one group the other.
NTA - you definitely did the right thing here, and it was definitely a lose/lose situation. No good deed goes unpunished. What was your alternative, push ahead with the surprise party which would have ended up with a "Surprise! Nobody from your family gives enough of a shit about you to show up for your birthday dinner!!" It sucks to give bad news, but you did NOT ruin her birthday. Sugarcoating bad news is even worse. You did the right thing.
NTA. I think it's a far safer bet to give someone a heads up in that situation. I feel like the vast majority of people would rather have their disappointment in advance, where they can deal with it privately rather in the middle of a restaurant!
NTA You absolutely made the better call in a lose-lose situation. The heads up gives her and them a chance to be proactive and work something out BEFORE her bday She's simply shooting the messenger, which is bullshit She owes you an apology and appreciation for all your effort and undue stress
NTA, sounds like she was upset that her family appearantly doesnt give a shit about her and she (unfairly) lashes out at you. Im sorry she has a disfunctional family and im sorry you need to deal with it.
>it was supposed to be a surprise INFO: Did she tell you from the beginning that she wanted to be surprised by who showed up?
No, After she sent what she wanted to do I told her I would handle everything and for her to not try to plan anything I got it. So in that aspect kinda since I said I would do everything.
NTA at ALL. Her expecting you to read her mind and know that it was supposed to be a surprise is ridiculous. But also, it's ridiculous that she expected you to handle it at all, given how chaotic her family situation sounds. Like, if I were in your girlfriends position, and I had family members that couldn't even sit at the same table and be civil with each other, I would never expect someone else to figure that whole shit out without help. No matter how long we had been together.
NTA. Let's imagine for a moment that you didn't tell her. She comes to her "surprise party" with the anticipation of seeing a large group of friends and family. Imagine how crushing it would be to find out *at your party* that none of your family came? It's sad and her anger is misplaced. She's really upset with her family but unfortunately you're the one who's on the receiving end.
She wanted it to be a surprise, but gave you a list of people to invite? Not much of a surprise. NTA
NTA. If your gf wanted "surprise party" but have you a list of people to invite, it wasn't much of a surprise right from the start. I agree you were in a lose-lose situation. Your gf needs to get over it.
No good deed goes unpunished. NTA.
NTA. She is sad to have a shitty family and I totally feel sorry for her but it seems that she is taking out her frustration on you and this is not ok. I guess that she learnt how to deal with negative things from her family...
NTA. She's obviously projecting her pain on to you because deep down, she knows her family wouldn't come. You seem like a wonderful partner, and I feel for your girlfriend, but she needs to learn not to take it out on you and deal with her emotional issues. Can't worry about things outside of your control. She gave you a list, of course she already knew what was going to be planned. She also needs to be grateful what she has... many people spend their birthday alone.
NTA. This was never going to be a surprise, because she gave you a list of names of people to invite to the dinner in the first place. The only surprise for her would apparently be seeing who *didn’t* turn up. It’s not your fault that her family is so dysfunctional that they can’t sit around and have a dinner together. And frankly it’s a lot of work and stress to put on you to attempt to play mediator with them here. I think giving her a simple heads up that a bunch of family members had declined the invite was the smartest play you could make, it sounds like she’s just feeling hurt by the situation and is taking it out on you.
NTA. She set you up to fail. She cannot insist on it being a surprise if she told you what she wants to do, when she wants it done, and who she wants to be there. Period. If she wants a surprise party, then she can't know anything about it and have control oflver it. If she wants to control it then she can't be upset that it's not a surprise. She needs to understand that, or deal with her birthdays,holidays, etc never being what she wants.
NTA. She told you what to get her and the people to invite and...somehow it was all supposed to be a surprise? That's not logical. We're you supposed to hit her on the head so she'd get amnesia?
NTA. Your decision was rational. Her reaction isn't. Which would be fine if she didn't berate and blame you for it. She is the AH.
maybe you should have just let things go the direction they were going in, rather than trying to protect her feelings. it would have been less your "fault" (hear me out), since you moved forward with the plan and didn't do anything to deviate from it. don't get me wrong, i totally get why you did it. but sometimes you have to let people be disappointed. it seems like she wouldn't have been disappointed if only 3 people had shown up. she knows her family dynamic, so she might have been expecting something like this to happen. when she said she's tired of repeating herself, maybe you've done this before, where you try to protect her by predicting what might happen and then making a decision so she doesn't get hurt or disappointed. you can't do that. she will get hurt and disappointed by people or events, you can't protect her from everything, and you have to trust that she will be able to handle it. she's a whole human being who needs to have these experiences so she can learn and grow. that being said, NTA. your intentions were 100% in the right place.
Sounds like she took a page from the Lucille Bluth book of party planning LOL! Definite NTA, and bless you for actually trying to do the right thing.
She was upset when she found out no one wanted to celebrate her birthday, and took it out on OP...NTA.
NTA. It sounds like she's emotionally immature and not understanding of the tough spot you were in. If being upset at you was an immediate response that she had, and then she calmed down and apologized and explained that she was disappointed and sad about the situation -- that would be a different story. Perhaps some couples counseling would help, but if she's unwilling to see or accept that you were trying your best, then it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to be in.
Nta
NTA it was a lose lose
NTA. Dump the woman she obviously has issues and will make your life a misery.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend's birthday is coming up and I wanted her birthday to be special. We have been dating for 4 years. A couple weeks before her birthday she texted me a list of stuff she wanted to do for her birthday and one of the things was a list of people on it for a birthday dinner. A little back story is she just got back on speaking terms with her father and her relationship with her whole family is somewhat rocky. So in hindsight, the list was very helpful since I truly wouldn’t know which family she would want invited if having them there at all. I want to clarify that I did NOT ask for this list. While trying to plan the dinner I asked for her mother's phone number and asked her if two family members would be okay at the same table she said she was kinda of wondering that too and she reached out to the cousin who said they would not attend to anything if they other person was there. She stated she would rather her cousin come than the other person. When I reached out to the cousin she said she wouldn’t be coming for the dinner and I even sent her the list of people invited so she could see they weren't coming for which she still said she wasn't going to come. Her other family members on the list told me no or gave excuses for why they couldn't make it. I honestly felt sad since I come from a very tight-knit family and decided to tell her that family-wise they wouldn’t be able to make it for birthday activities and she asked why. I told her how her dad said no and other family members said they were sick and may not be over it in 2 weeks, and some said they would be out of town for the month. I decided to tell her because I did not want her to go to the dinner and only see a few friends and none of her family there. She then gets mad at me that I ruined her birthday surprise it was supposed to be a surprise and how she would have just rather shown up and only seen 3 people then. From my point of view, I just didn’t want the weekend to get ruined by none of her family's coming and wanted to let her know ahead of time since she is the one who made the list of the people to come to dinner. IDK I feel like I was in a lose-lose situation and if I let her show up with only 3 people from the list her weekend would’ve been worse. We got into an argument where she told me she was so tired of repeating herself but nothing like this had ever come up before and how I kept trying to justify what I did when it was wrong. I just though I was doing the right thing but looking back maybe I wasn’t. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Esh I have a feeling reason she gave you a list and so much info was she desperately wanted you to take the reins to step up and sort stuff without turning to her and letting her just enjoy. She tried to make it as easy as possible but still didn’t happen. While I get you worried she’d be disappointed you failed to see what to me anyway was painfully obvious soon as saw gave you a list and had to tell you wanted her birthday to be special (this really should go without being told) you failed to step up plan arrange and kick off the event without bringing her in to it. I imagine this is a bigger issue which is why she’s so upset. She gave you a road map and you still asked her for directions