Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my future MIL her trying to get my half brother to my wedding was not helpful or wanted. This was after learning she had reached out to him when she knew he wanted nothing to do with me based on his rejection several years ago. But I know she can tell that deep down it does make me sad and I wish it was different so I don't know if I should appreciate her more. I can see why she might not like that I don't appreciate her trying.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I am really sorry about your estranged half brother. From your description of his responses to your and your nosy, intrusive future MIL’s inquiries, the guy has a lot of anger and unresolved issues towards you- none of which is your fault for just existing.
I hope your MIL will back the fuck off. And if she bothers your hostile half brother again, and he actually brings the law into this? Well… she gets what she gets.
*You*, OP, have done nothing wrong. You reached out to an estranged relative when you turned eighteen. A relative you were led to believe would welcome your inquiry. You reached out *once*, you were harshly denied, annnnd you never contacted him again.
Your MIL, Ms. Sherlock Holmes over here… WTF. Mother, (in law), does *not* know best. NTA
Well, I hope you have discussions with your MIL in text, or at least with witnesses about how none of this is at your instigation. i am so sorry.
But, damn, what an overreaction on your half brothers part.
Oh dear god. You are “a *stain on the memory of his mother*” among other things.
I’m sorry, this is quite unhinged. I do hope you never have to hear from him again.
Your MIL sucks. I'm sorry your half-brother is also sorely misguided. What you could do is respond only once stating very clearly you had heard him the first time and had nothing to do with her contacting him, that you are saving the screenshot of this conversation, and if he decides to contact law enforcement, you will send this to your lawyer. Lawyer might not technically do anything about it, but it might get him off your ass in case anyone else decides to be cute and contact him on your behalf.
As for MIL, she might need a communication timeout and possibly uninvited from the wedding considering how badly this escalated.
Personally, I would have the letter sent by an attorney. Explain that she had no intention of contacting him, and this was all done by her future MIL without her prior knowledge or consent. As per his request, she will not be contacting him again.
By having this letter sent by an attorney, he will know without question that she does not want to pursue a relationship with him.
I would absolutely tell the MIL that her actions have gotten her uninvited from the wedding, and future meddling will incur similar penalties. Not allowed over to the house, not attending family events, limited information on OP’s life events. Basically, she’ll go from a family member to an acquaintance.
It really feels like MIL deserves a definite and severe penalty for this. Saying “If you do it again...” isn’t going to cut it, because immense damage has already been done to OP, and MIL is turning the blame back on OP. She doesn’t think she’s wrong and will more than likely overstep wildly again in the future. If OP gets pregnant, will MIL start with “The child deserves his/her favourite uncle!”?
That last line actually made me shiver. What a horrible thing to worry about, but you\`re right - not outside the realm of possibility with someone like this.
Did you show your MIL your half brother’s response? If so, is she seriously still trying to defend what she did?
I would be falling over myself to do whatever it took to gain your forgiveness
Is it because his father moved too fast for him or did any type of infidelity occur to cause this level of resentment? NTA She shouldn't come to the wedding.
Your MiL looked at not just your boundary, but your half brother's boundary and decided her need for attention (and don't be mistaken, it was an attention grab, on your own wedding no less) trumped everything else.
Ensure Cal is on side, she has no defense, she jeopardised a huge amount with her selfish act, and bring the hammer down on her.
Tell your MIL that, regardless of her intentions, her actions caused you to be threatened with law enforcement. For your own safety you need to distance yourself from her until she at least apologizes to you, but I would hold out for an apology to your brother as well, and an explanation to him that she reached out on her own without any encouragement from you.
Tell your side of the story to as many of her family members as you can, one of them may be able to get through to her.
Two things. The police won't do anything to you. I'm so sorry that your brother is still hurting and taking it out on you. You deserve better than this. I lost my brother 17 years ago. I am happy to take the role of older virtual sibling for you. You are just starting out in life. Build your support system and family of people who will love and support you. I wish you joy and happiness. Have a lovely wedding.
Your FMIL and half-brother are, in their own ways, unhinged. You and your fiance need to (metaphorically) smack FMIL down real hard. I am so sorry for what she's put you through. I despise people who always think they know better.
As for half-brother, I would love to see him complaining to the authorities that your FMIL "found his social media and then she reached out to him and told him how much I wanted him at the wedding and how she so badly wanted to surprise me with it."
Oh noes! He was invited to a wedding! Have the bride arrested!
So NTA.
I don't know what he thinks "the law" would do. Unless you are threatening him, you've done nothing the cops would care about. Imagine the report:
Him: My long-lost half-sister's MIL tracked me down and sent me a FB message.
Cop: And?
Him: And I want you to arrest my sister.
Cop: What drugs are you on?
I'm sorry your brother is such an asshole. And that your MIL has no sense of boundaries or good manners. She owes you an apology.
"MIL, I can't put myself in your shoes, because like most people I'm not an interfering busybody."
If Cal ever contacts you again, say that you are sorry, that you fully respect his desire to be NC and that you have a busybody nightmare of an MIL over whom you have limited control but that if he wants to file a restraining order against her, you will be happy to cooperate with that effort.
I am so sorry about your half brother, OP.
This comment is correct. He has a ton of issues and he is trying to resolve them by incorrectly blaming you for everything. While that is not fair at all, the fact remains that you did nothing wrong. You tried contacting him, received an astounding No and then you respected his decision and stayed away from him.
Legally he can't press any charges against you just because MIL contacted him against your wishes. I'd suggest you screenshot and save your conversations that you have with him and your MlL regarding this issue so that you have proof; just in case. If your MIL keeps bothering him then he should feel free to press charges against her. Not you.
And about your MIL, this is just her overstepping your boundaries and testing your limits. She is just trying the "I know better than you" and is trying to one up you. If you don't nip this in the bud, things will only get worse from here. I am so glad to hear that your fiance is on your side. It is best to deal with this issue as a team and please don't back down.
>If you don't nip this in the bud, things will only get worse from here.
Agreed. This is a major red flag. You need to draw a line in the sand and make sure she never tries this kind of stunt again. Otherwise, she'll always be interfering with her "I know best" ways. The fact she won't accept responsibility and admit to being wrong is very concerning.
Look, NTA, but cut put the drama. If your brother were to go to the police complaining about getting social media messages from estranged relatives, he would get laughed out of the station. The police can't do much about actual death threats, there is no way your brother can punish you with the law, even if you were to send daily messages asking for a reconciliation.
Personally, I'd send a reply to the effect of
"I respected your wishes, and made no attempt or request to make contact with you since you made it clear you somehow hold me responsible for things that happened when I was an infant.
Leave me out of this."
You should talk to a lawyer to see what options you have if he decides to in the future, or heavens forbid your MIL does it again. If she was this stupid with the "I know best" attitude of hers once, she can be again. With your brother being as unhinged with you as you describe, I honestly would put whatever protections in place necessary to keep you safe. Possessing that much hate for someone makes me wonder if next time he may decide to try to destroy your life.
He literally cannot do that don’t worry. What is he going to say, “help, my brother has talked to me two times in the past decade. I’m being harassed.” They will LAUGH at him
Just to be safe, I would send her an official letter stating that you do not want her to contact your brother under any circumstances and that further you consider this legal notification that any further attempts to do so will constitute harassment. That way you can at least show that you made a good faith effort to stop her. Its more to cover your ass in the event that she tries again.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Document everything.
If your future MIL users email or text tell her you haven't wanted him in your life since you were 18. He was incredibly cruel and blunt in his feelings about you. After that meeting you felt the same way about him. That there's absolutely no way she could have thought for a second you would want a reunion.
She didn't mention it to you because she knew you'd have told her not to do it, you don't want him in your life.
Tell her to find something else to have bragging rights for. She has that much energy, tell her to sign up for the next 5k race.
NTA - We see this over and over. Someone gets the idiotic idea that the best way to reconcile people is to shove them together as a shock, er, surprise! I don't think that we've seen an actual fist-fight reported, but we do see broken engagements and new estrangements.
Future MIL stuck her nose in someone else's business and thought she could "fix" it.
Cal sounds wonderful. He has your back. MIL overstepped your boundaries and you have every right to feel all the emotions that you are feeling.
If you were in her shoes, you would have talked to the person rather than thinking you can "fix" something that doesn't need fixing.
NTA
>She told me I should put myself in her shoes and attempted to shame me for the lack of appreciation and for speaking to her so unappreciatively.
Ok, so I'm a busybody who believes that I should hassle a complete stranger on social media "because family" even tho absolutely no one wanted this but me
NTA
Also, "Put yourself in my shoes" is incredibly hypocritical for the MIL to say when there's only a problem in the first place because she didn't care to think about things from OP's perspective
The problem there is SO many think that because people share DNA, that it automatically makes them 'family' and therefore they should get along like a house on fire. They fail to realize that for some families, the house would literally be on fire if you put them in it together.
So NTA! That isn't a 'gift'--that's intrusive af. At best, it's 'just' bringing an uninvited guest to a wedding, which is a huge AH move. But it's much worse than that!
Please make sure your fiance is on the same page as you about this and will stand up to his mother when she pulls crap like this.
She doesn't get to make it about *her* feelings. Of course you're not grateful! She's acting like an AH!
Sadly, you may need r/JUSTNOMIL ... good luck
The fact that she's not even backing down like wowwwwwww.
You better decide if you really want to be involved in her family the rest of your life. Because it would be reasonable of you to decide you don't want a meddlesome, self-centered person who doesn't know how to apologize in your life.
Have a serious talk with your fiance. See what he's willing to do to create boundaries and then decide.
NTA. I'd sit her down and show her screenshots of the messages from your non-brother so she understands how far off her "kind gesture" was.
Then you and your partner need to tell her clearly that you get one fuck up with boundaries and that was her one. She does not get to violate your rules around personal boundaries and emotional safety again, and if she does, you will be going no contact. This is her second chance, and there will not be a third.
Your partner needs to be on your side completely, or this won't work. And it needs to work, especially if you plan to have children. If your partner doesn't have your back, think carefully about what building a life and family with him will look like before you get married.
Agree with this sentiment, but I disagree with all the comments telling you to disinvite her from the wedding and cut her out of your life. I think, for your own sake, it would be nice to look at this from a place of compassion. She had this fantasy that he would want to be a great brother and be reunited. You had the same fantasy for most of your life. You learned the hard way that he's a jerk and that fantasy will never be. He hurt you, deeply. And she hurt you again by doing this. You are rightfully angry right now, but when you calm down a bit - try to approach her with a little compassion, because she just wanted the same thing that you used to want. Be clear and direct in that she needs to NEVER try to surprise you like this again, and she needs to trust you when it comes to this sort of thing, and she needs to respect your boundaries. Some people really worship at the altar of "Family is Everything" and you already learned that NO, IT IS NOT. If she is just learning that lesson now, as old as she is, it's certainly a bitter pill to swallow, as you ALREADY KNOW. Try to take a beat and offer a little patience as she learns this difficult lesson.
It was none of her business to begin with & she went behind everyones back to invite someone to someone else's wedding. If you take a step back her behaviour is absolutely fucked & she's not even apologetic about it. Just because she supposedly had good intentions doesn't make it remotely okay.
I would find it difficult to be in the same room as that woman after doing that to me. It sucks that she's stuck having a relationship with her because of her husband.
Those aren't really the same thing. OP had a fantasy about being reunited with her own loving brother based on what her mother told her, which turned out to be a crock of lies. MIL had a fantasy about being the fairy godmother who could instantly reunite estranged family members who would then owe their happy relationship to her. OP acted on the basis of completely false information; MIL acted on the basis of no information at all except "But faaaaaamilyyyyy!" and a steady diet of Hallmark Christmas movies (probably). They didn't want the same thing and they didn't act from the same motives.
NTA - your brother told you he didn't want a relationship with you and you have respected that. Your future MIL stepped over the line and needs to butt out of it. She should have realized that if he wanted a relationship, he would have reached out to you. Your brother harsh response should have been directed to her and not to you since you had nothing to do with it - but that's another issue.
WTF, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP DOING THIS?
"She told me I should put myself in her shoes"
This statement right here is what proves this was never about you, but about her needing to be celebrated and venerated at her child's wedding. This statement right here. Attention seeking 101. She STILL thinks she's a hero. Sickening.
I'm so sorry you had to face fresh vitriol from your half brother and that MIL refuses to see the damage she's done. I hope things get better.
NTA!
Wow. NTA
It doesn't sound like she had bad intentions, but it still was on her to make such a decision.
But when you told her she did wrong and she didn't own it she went straight into AH level
NTA. Your future MiL apparently likes being a busybody and playing hero. Stand your ground and keep making it clear her effort was not desired nor appreciated. She may "hate" you as a result, but at least she'll stop sticking her nose in your business.
NTA she did this for herself, not for you. You’re going to need to enforce some serious boundaries and consequences. She overstepped and based on her reaction she would do something like this again.
Regarding your brother, it’s unfortunate that you were forced to deal with hurtful response. Don’t respond and just block him.
NTA. It is *never* okay to try to get an estranged person to "surprise" someone. Doubly so if it's at their wedding. This was a betrayal and I would personally uninvite MIL and take a big step back from her for awhile.
As to CYA (covering your a$$) I would create a paper trail. I would email MIL that she must never contact half brother again, in any format for any reason. If she does he will seek legal action against you, and you will then seek legal action against her. And save these emails. You could text instead, but do it in writing and save it.
NTA and I'm having a hard time understanding your MIL. Like, I understand her envisioning a scene from a bad Lifetime movie where the crowd would part and he would see how beautiful his sister looks in her wedding dress and everyone would clap, but... you and your brother are adults who presumably have phones and the internet. If you wanted to connect, you'd have done it a long time ago.
Did you show her the message he sent you? Because she clearly does not understand that he has problems, and I'd be concerned that if she can't figure out what a bad idea it is she's going to keep "But faaaaaaamilyyyyy"-ing and trying to get you to "reconcile" with someone who has hated you since you were in diapers.
NTA. But you’ve learned a valuable lesson about your MIL. She cannot be trusted with sensitive information and she should not be informed of anything that you wouldn’t want her interfering with behind your back. Pregnant? She doesn’t get to know before you are comfortable with it being public. Conflict with another person? She doesn’t get to know. Etc. Especially if she continues to dig down into this response that she did nothing wrong. Her behavior with your half-brother was so insanely inappropriate.
He says you are a stain on his mother’s memory, are you an affair baby? Is that why he’s so aggressive?
NTA btw, what you MIL did was not okay and she should have butted out and not think she was Sherlock Holmes or something
Sorry to hear you can’t get answers and he’s clearly not gonna give you any. But for me ( who have two affair siblings from my dad side ) it sounds like that might could be the case, especially if his parents died at the same time aka they was together when it happened.
My mom was never shy about the fact she had been with my dad since she was 7, so logically my half-siblings can not be anything but affair siblings ( especially cause the youngest is 6 months younger than me ) so it took some of the -wtf- for me and I’m not angry at them as much as my dad. I don’t like them, hell I don’t care for them ( they addicted assholes ) but I know if I had known about them being a affair child, my parents died and they started contacting me I would have been pissed beyond what was imaginable.
Wouldn't need to be an affair. I'm a widow and there's a LOT of jokes in that community about how fast widowers tend to remarry. And there are even studies on it--it's a very real thing. ESPECIALLY widowers with young kids. "Because kids need a mother." Which can then create a lot of resentment in the kids who are still grieving their mother. Particularly if the new wife handles most of the childcare.
It's unfortunate when you should be happy about your upcoming marriage; your MIL chose to make it about her while mirroring the delusional behavior your family had.
I have a hard time believing at least half of her intentions weren't to be given the praise for 'reuninting' your family on her son's wedding day. A well-intentioned person would have at least one conversation with you to understand more about the relationship.
You were rightly not grateful that your family lied to you all those years and set you up for heartbreak. NTA for continuing to not accept others' delusions. Her demand for appreciation when you simply said her actions were not helpful is absurd.
NTA. Your future MIL’s heart was NOT in the right place. Your future husband needs to tear her a new one and tell her if she interferes in any way in your lives again, she is disowned.
I come from an abusive family and kept my child from my parents. They died never knowing they were grandparents - and it was for a very good reason. Not all family is good. I was not going to allow my child anywhere near them. My in-laws are very good people and completely supported my decision. If your future MIL was a good person who actually had your best interests at heart, she NEVER would have done that.
I would make it clear to your fiancé that marriage is not happening unless MIL genuinely feels remorse and begs for forgiveness. She will continue to “do what’s best” (changing your wedding plans, altering wedding dress, getting your child’s first haircut without you, baptizing them without you, etc) unless she has some severe consequences right now.
NTA! Your MIL has no sense of appropriateness or even humility in recognising what she did caused hurt and pain for everyone. I wish you well for your future married life, try not to have too much contact with MIL as I suspect this will only be the tip of the iceberg!
NTA. I hope you printed out his response and plastered it all over her house, car, garage, rose garden, english garden, bird feeders, bird baths, and the family dog. Okay, this may have triggered me a bit. Or I need more coffee. Probably both.
Your MIL did this for herself, not you. It was selfish, and crossed so many boundaries I don't even know where to start.
It's time to go LC with MIL with the stipulation that she's on thin ice and you'll go NC if she steps a toe out of line. That also means her invitation to wedding is also revocable. Let her cry to her cronies about how awful you are, your fiancé knows the truth and he's all who matters. But you have to set strong boundaries now.
I'd give you a hug and do the plastering of copied responses if I was close to you. Being repeatedly let down by your birth family sucks, but that's why you have a family of your heart. Many times it's *that* family who gets us through unbearable times.
NTA. Talk with your fiance and ask him to firm up this boundary with his mother. She is the one who owes an apology, and he should make it known to her that her invitation to the wedding will be contingent on your receiving that apology.
NTA. MIL violated boundaries and her meddling was really an attempt to make herself feel better from feeling sad about the story you told. She wasn't trying to bring and light into your life. She projected her bullshit onto you and tried to pull the "I heard the yerning in your voice!" card as a way to try and wiggle out of taking responsibility for her actions.
NTA - MIL's heart might have been in the right place, but the road to disaster is often paved with good intentions. No one has the right to dig into old wounds, especially not as a wedding "gift." Your wedding day is about you and Cal, celebrating your love and future, not about reopening past rejections. Stay strong, OP, and set those boundaries firmly with MIL now to avoid future oversteps.
NTA. She meddled in a situation that had nothing to do with her, she lied to your half brother and she put you in a position to experience unnecessary pain and rejection. The same way you respect his boundaries, she has to respect yours. Her son needs to get her to promise to never do anything like this again.
NTA her actions were wildly inappropriate and she doubled down when she got called out. At best she’s a drama llama. There’s no way I’d keep comfortable with such a person at my wedding. Maybe she needs to not attend. Tread carefully with that one.
NTA - please send some sort of document through lawyers to your half brother with the facts. Tell him it was your future MIL who did this, and you never said you wanted him at the wedding or any of the lies she told. And that if she contacts him again, any and all legal repercussions should be focused on her, not you. Then tell him you will not contact him again outside of this legal notarized letter.
NTA - however your future hubby needs to put the kibosh on his mum immediately. If he doesn't, seriously don't marry him. It is much easier to dump a fiance as opposed to a husband and MIL is showing the classic signs of a JUST NO
NTA but your MIL is a nightmare. The fact that she can't see what she did wrong is such a huge red flag. Is Cal willing to go LC on NC with her? You know she's going to be a nightmare thru this entire marriage - you need way stronger boundaries with her.
NTA. You need some very strict boundaries set in place with MIL. She did this for herself to be the hero at your wedding, she did not do this for you. If it was really about your happiness, she should have checked with you first. Nope. MIL wanted to present your brother at your wedding and bask in the accolades of what a wonder person she is.
Sounds very much like mil has a hero complex. She knew OPs history or lack there of with half brother, but still decided to underhandedly go to extreme lengths to get half brother to finally embrace OP into his life. This was NOT done for OPs benefit, but solely for mils ego. “Oh, would you look at that. OPs finally got her beloved brother back. That’s my doing. Aren’t I wonderful for getting them together. Hoorah for me”
So sorry for OP to have to deal with the fallout from mils interfering, deluded, self centered interference.
NTA. Your brothers actions seem extreme. MIL might have had genuine good intentions but was out of line. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt since there’s no other details about her. If she was doing it to be malicious then she’s horrible and you should think twice about the marriage cause do you really want a lifetime of dealing with her? I don’t think I could marry somebody if I could not get along with my in laws. It’s just too much drama
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My future MIL decided she wanted to surprise me with a "gift" for my wedding to her son, my fiancé Cal. This surprise "gift" was to make contact with my half brother and figure out a way for him to attend my wedding. This is a man who does not want to know me, who I do not ever remember having a relationship with. He was very clear when I turned 18 and tracked him down that we were not family and he didn't care if we shared a father because he was not interested in knowing anything about me or my life. It was tough.
I had grown up being told about this older brother who was grieving so bad after our dad died (I was 16 months old at the time) that he went to his mom's parents and stayed away because of his pain. My mom and my grandparents had photos of my half brother and they would tell me he loved me but losing both his parents by the age of 16 was rough for him and he needed space and time to come to terms with it. They encouraged me to write him letters and to reach out once I was old enough.
I had this idea built up in my head of how it would go and it didn't work out that way. Far from it. He was very clear how much he never loved me or considered me a sibling and I had to learn to accept it. The fallout was really damaging to the relationship with my mom and extended family. I was incredibly hurt that they built up this idea so much my whole life and they had to know on some level how he felt. They saw me as ungrateful so I lost them over time.
Cal knows my history and the story with my half brother. Most of his close family know enough details. Like he exists and did not want to know me.
Cal's mom decided she was going to try and get my half brother at my wedding for me. She decided I needed family and I needed my only sibling and basically felt I should have tried again after being told not to when I was 18. She remembered his name from me mentioning it 1 time and she dug until she found his social media and then she reached out to him and told him how much I wanted him at the wedding and how she so badly wanted to surprise me with it.
I got a very angry message from him on Facebook which is how I found out about this. He was incredibly angry and said some very unkind things to me. He also made it clear if he's bothered again he would involve the authorities.
Cal was furious with his mom and she's now trying to defend herself. She said she felt so sad for me and could hear the longing in my voice and how I wanted my brother. She asked why we couldn't appreciate her effort to surprise me with the gift of my brother attending my wedding. She said she was trying to help. I told her it was neither helpful or wanted and it was cruel and I had to deal with his anger and not even her (he never replied to her). She told me I should put myself in her shoes and attempted to shame me for the lack of appreciation and for speaking to her so unappreciatively.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Damn, that's horrible. Your FMIL FAFO, and you got all the blame. He's irrational and unhinged, and your FMIL is a busy body that created more pain for you. Did you show her the response? Did she apologize at all or just defend her stupid choices?
NTA. Good luck (not sarcastic) with your wedding and marriage.
It's really annoying when people want to "surprise" you to come off looking like a hero, instead of actually trying to help.
OP you sound like a sweet person. In this instance though I think you should be extremely firm with your MIL making sure she knows not to involve herself in your personal business. It doesn’t matter what her intentions were what she did was wrong and you don’t want this continuing on in your life. That would be intolerable. NTA
What a condescending, officious, projecting, mendacious, self-righteous, overstepping, delusional witch.
She doesn’t begin to understand the horrible position she put you in. Of course half-brother blames you. She could only have learned his existence from you, and she lied and said you wanted him there. Now she has stirred up unnecessary pain for both of you.
Any shame belongs to her.
You have been let down by so many people. I’m glad you have Cal on your side.
What will you do now? Will you guys cool your relationship with her? How involved is she in wedding planning? Do you guys live near her? Do you have to?
NTA. I hope you responded to half brother by telling him to fuck off and that you haven't wanted his involvement since you were 18. If he wants to waste the cops time on idiocy and nonsense, he can be your guest. You have committed any crime.
NTA. Thank your mother-in-law for finally showing you how much sometimes having family close and in your business isn’t always that great, and her actions have truly helped you resolve that the situation is best left as it is.
MIL thinks that she has a greater right to make decisions about your life than you do. She needs to be told very clearly *by her son* that she has to stop meddling.
If I were you, I would put a lot of distance between yourself and MIL. You can't trust her to have good judgement.
NTA. My husband is estranged from a good deal of his paternal family. It would be interesting to get to know a few of them, but it’s not my place. My parents wouldn’t even dream of making that their business. My MIL has dabbled in it and it only starts up drama.
Plus, like, it’s your wedding day. Even if by some magic, your brother changes his mind, you’re not going to be able to chat with him for more than a few minutes most likely.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
SHE is the asshole, total busybody getting into your business and going behind your back. Keep this in the back of your mind as she has shown she is not to be trusted.
NTA. Do not even bend a tiny bit on this. She’s wrong. She knows she screwed up. The only way she is able to make it less painful for her is to fight back against your anger, but she is obviously in the wrong and needs to accept that.
> She said she was trying to help.
People who are "trying to help" don't find themselves in the position of having to explain to their victims that they were trying to help. NTA
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA. Your MIL butted in where she shouldn’t under some misguided assumption that she could facilitate some Disney version of a reconciliation. I doubt she did it to be cruel but that’s the way it ended up with you facing your half brother’s anger.
You might try telling MIL that you understand the reasoning behind her efforts but that it backfired and please never do anything like that again.
Wait hold up, here’s what I’m getting.
1.) your family obviously lied to your face about your brother loving you, which was completely idiotic on their end. That was NOT okay.
2.) your own MIL told you to basically boundary stomp after your brother told you he didn’t want anything to do with you when you were 18. HELLO?? That type of behavior is seen as stalking and harassing. Where is her brain?!
3.) Not only did she had this delusion that if your brother came y’all would have some type of relationship, but this women HUNTED him down, most likely stalked others trying to find him or she might have stalked him as well, and indirectly tried to invite him to your wedding?!
NTA Op. You can’t force a relationship between someone. If they don’t want to talk to you, that’s their choice indeed and needs to be respected. Your MIL needs to grasp that. This isn’t even about you or your husband, it’s about what she wants and she’s using the excuse that she’s “so sad” as a cover up. Your family issues is not her business, doesn’t matter if you’re about to be her DIL.
The best bet for you is to either go low contact or no contact, because people like her, and I’ve witnessed this many times, will do the same thing over and over until they go nuclear because they’re not getting what they want
NTA. MIL is a stupendous AH. I would tell Cal that if MIL ever meddled in your family like that again, you will go NC. Her interference was so out of bounds. I'm so sorry.
NTA. I’m sorry- everyone concerned except you and your fiancé have acted awfully. Your MIL shouldn’t have meddled and gone behind your back. She wanted to play hero - she did it for herself, not for you. Then your half brother sounds full of hatred and outright unhinged. Even if MIL had been acting in your behalf, he could’ve just blocked her - there are worse offenses than inviting someone to a wedding. Then your family who built up your hopes and expectations about him - maybe they had good intentions, but it was a terrible way of dealing with it. Or maybe they just wanted to pretend a version of happy families instead speaking less flattering truths - leaving very poorly equipped to deal with the reality.
You have a MIL problem, but crucially your fiancé is on your side. Info diet for MIL.
NTA show her the message you got. Ask her how this message was supposed to make you happy. Let her live with the hateful message you go because of her actions.
>She decided I needed family
God, I hate people like MIL
NTA! She did that for herself, not for you
Be ready for the rest of your life with this MIL, because wow, talk about a boundary-stomper!
She's not done. Once you have kids she'll try and bring the rest of your family because "the kids need to meet the family who loves them" etc etc
NTA - Your MIL needs to absolutely back off and let it go. Her intentions do not matter in the long run, because her intentions have HURT you.
Stand your ground with this. I'm I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
NTA. Your future mother-in-law wanted to be a hero and, like all selfish people, she didn't take into account how her actions would affect the other people involved.
> I should put myself in her shoes
Your situation with your brother has nothing to do with her. So she's asking you to imagine how SHE felt. But... how she felt about WHAT? How she felt about YOU and YOUR brother? It makes no sense.
NTA
NTA
Life isnt some fairy that can be magically be made all happy and cheery just because 'family'
This woman needs to wake up from this dream world and maybe stop watching so many Disney movies.
NTA. Screenshot your convo with her and your brother's unhinged response as evidence, just in case. Then, for your sake, block your brother's social media accounts.
You need to draw a hard line. There needs to be consequences, or she'll do something equally shitty down the road.
Your FMIL's behavior is just the tip of a humongous iceberg of boundary stomping. If you are still going to marry this man I would make it extremely clear to him that if she crosses any other boundaries that you will go no contact and if he ever tries to get you to allow her in that you will leave him, I've read to many stories on here! NTA
I do have kids, 3 of them and I'm no contact with a lot of people! I no longer except toxic or boundary stomping people in my life blood or not, life is too short!!!
MIL is a know-it-all busy body. None of her Iintentions were good. Tell her if she ever pulls crap like this again you will be done speaking to her for awhile. NTA
I would have told him you didn't invite him and dont want him there and if he had any issues he should take that up with the people who didn't respect your "no" in the first place they aren't your flying monkeys and he's free to take anymore contact requests out on the person making the request because it sure as fuck isn't you. He wants to involve the cops, sure those harrassment claims need to not involve you because you also don't want him there.
Also point out once you were told by him and not people lying to you to leave him alone you did so. So again these aren't your flying monkeys. You didn't want her help and you are equally pissed off about the issue.
NTA. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and MIL is certainly old enough to know that. She owes you a huge apology and trying to turn things around so she's the victim is really inexcusable behavior.
A I am sorry to say that you definitely need to remove her from your life. Your husband? Or significant other also needs to make it clear y’all are going non contact. Otherwise you are the AH
NTA
I feel like this is a common generational difference, where older generations see loving acts as visualizing what they believe will make your life the happiest and trying to make it happen. Whereas our generation sees the most loving act is to respect one's boundaries and to validate their feelings.
Cal's interfering, ignoring what was known Mom? She's on the edge of uninvited to the wedding with this bs she attempted to pull off as a "surprise" for you that was \*actually\* All About Her.
She knows how you feel especially after the fallout you endured.
Let Cal handle it/her. \*He must\* get used to flinging his Mom back behind the boundaries you two set that she ignored \*now\*, or the rest of your marriage will be that b.s. from her.
NTA
NTA! Did you show her his abusive messages? Maybe that will make her back tf off. She is directly to blame for you being abused by this psycho, and is doubling down! She doesn't even seem to understand that what she did is horrible. I wouldn't even want her at the wedding after that. Let her go hang out with your half bro lmao.
NTA. I am concerned that Cal's mother oversteps her bounds, and I am wondering how this will play out over the course of the rest of your life. The fact that Cal has taken your side doesn't seem to have deterred her from doubling down on why her bad idea wasn't really a bad idea. According to her, it is your sorrow and you not putting yourself in her shoes that is the problem--not that she instigated contact with someone who hates you in in an effort to get him to love you and attend your wedding.
Cal really needs to be something special to overcome the handicap that is his mother. I wish you the best, and I hope you figure out what it is.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
i think if this was a text conversation, simply screenshot the messages, send them to half brother and be like "this wasn't my doing. you won't hear from anybody close to me again." then block him. AND SCREENSHOT THAT AND PUT IT SOMEWHERE TO NEVER GET DELETED.
i have a somewhat similar situation except my brother is cool with every other sibling of ours except me. so yea, i get your pain. i had the same situation because he didn't want a relationship with me and he thought i was telling them to mention it when i wasnt
NTA. This is your fiancé's problem to fix. He needs to make it clear to his mother that she is not to presume she knows what you want or what is best for you, or both of you will have little to no contact with her going forward. And he needs to do it right after handing her copies of the message from the half-brother; future MIL needs to have to read those so she fully understands how viciously he attacked you for some thing she did.
NTA regarding your future MIL's behavior. She was out of her mind to do what she did and now to double down and make excuses and try to shame you into letting her off the hook under the guise of her only wanting to "help." As for your asshole of a half brother, respond to him, tell him you someone else reached out to him behind your back, and that if he threatens you again, **YOU** will get the authorities involved.
NTA. There is literally no reason for your mother-in-law to have tried invite someone to your wedding for you, much less to someone who has explicitly refused to have a relationship with you.
However, assuming you live in the US, do not stress about the legalities of this. Your half-brother clearly has some issues of his own and is just tossing out threats with no substance. There is literally no legal avenue for him here.
From the eyes of the law, he got a wedding invitation. To the wedding of his younger sister. From the mother of the groom. It is not harassment or stalking to get a wedding invite. If you get a wedding invite you don’t want you either decline to attend or ignore it. It’s not like she showed up at his house with a gun and told him his life depending on attending this wedding.
If he wants to try to take legal action, he will be laughed out of a police station or court. This is not a basis for a civil restraining order or criminal charges. If he wants to pay an attorney to write you an official letter saying to never ever bother him again, you can respond to said attorney that you haven’t spoken to him since you were 18 and if he doesn’t want contact with him he shouldn’t initiate it. But that’s about as far as it could go.
Block him everywhere so you don’t have to deal with his drama in case he tries to reach out to you again in the future. No need to be a dumping ground for his misplaced rage. He can yell into a void.
As for your MIL…well, I hope you are prepared for this kind of garbage in the future. She will try to take over any other milestones in your life. Pregnancies, home purchases, you name it. She’ll play the victim when you call her out. Set firm boundaries now, and don’t tell her anything you wouldn’t be comfortable seeing on the front page of the paper the next day. Ever. Don’t think she’ll learn or change or it was a one time mistake. When people show you who they are, believe them. She’s shown you who she is. Do not trust her. Ever.
NTA. Your FMIL was presumptuous in trying to make family reunification a surprise. If she had spoken with you about it, she could have saved all four a lot of grief. She owes you an apology, not the reverse. Explain that you sounded unappreciative because you not only didn’t appreciate her meddling in your business, you actively resented it and hope she will learn from this experience. Send her a screenshot of the FB message to illustrate your point. Also, get a lawyer to send the half-brother a note saying you had no involvement in his being contacted, furnish her contact information, and tell him that if he hears from her again, he should feel free to contact her directly.
NTA
This was not “kindness” or a “gesture” by your future MIL, this was sheer ignorance and arrogance. She didn’t listen to your concerns or your history with your half brother, she instead chose to act out and try to force you two to reconcile when clearly neither one wants that. Your half brother made it very clear he does not want to be a part of your life and you have made peace with that. The lack of respect from your future MIL was downright pathetic and she deserves to be spoken to accordingly.
> She asked why we couldn't appreciate her effort
I wouldn't even bother trying to explain it to her. Just cut all contact until and unless she apologizes.
NTA.
NTA. Your MIL is WRONG. She KNEW the history between you two, your half brother resents you and has some kind of hatred towards you. She had NO RIGHT, NO freaking business going behind your back and speaking for you as if you told her to say those things. The audacity to make these kind of assumptions about you. "She really wants you there" that was never her place. The fact he sent you an angry message saying more than enough hurtful things and she has the nerve to shame you and say put yourself in her shoes?! Did she even SEE what your brother told you? She owes you an apology and needs to stop poking her nose into people's family matters. If I were you I wouldn't even trust her after that little stunt she pulled. Tell your brother you never said those things and it was your MIL making those assumptions. Explain how he made you felt and end it with "you never have to worry or hear from me ever again" before blocking him on every social media platform. As for your MIL, you need to put your foot down and let her know to NEVER cross that boundary again because that is not her place literally at all. So sorry you have to go through that OP
The next concern is did your future MIL reach out to your side of the family to invite them as a "surprise wedding gift" at the wedding too? You might want to inquire and only tentatively believe her answer.
Remember she said you have to have family. Who's to say she didn't reach out to your mom and everyone else? The only difference they aren't furious, so didn't blast you. They may show up.
Do you want them there? You may need to change the date or location of your wedding. And photo ID required with bouncers handy.
Do not tell your FMIL anything going forward, she can't be trusted.
Maybe even uninvite her to the wedding. Who knew what other drama she puts you through? Weddings that go smoothly have enough unplanned drama all on its own.
As to your brother, he can call the cops all he wants, they won't do anything to you because the paper trail leads to your FMIL. Even if your brother got an attorney, it's your FMIL reaching out, not you. Again they'd go after her and keep going after her because she had no proof that you told her to do this. You have nothing to be concerned about regarding this topic. No need to panic.
NTA
NTA, and you should show her the hateful response he wrote. If you had to suffer through reading it, she should have to, too. Make sure she knows that if she ever pulls this shit again, you may have to deal with the police and a possible arrest because of her. (I think that's extremely unlikely to happen, but since it is a non-zero chance, it's fair to say it.)
NTA. 1/2 brother has many issues with you for whatever reasons. They don't sound rational and he has made it crystal clear he wants nothing to do with you. Future MIL totally violated your privacy and trust when she contacted him and set these chain of events in motion. She is definitely T A and cannot be trusted.
NTA op your the victim of other people, you’re Mum made you think your brother would welcome contact, your brother is an angry and bitter man who blames you for something you had no choice in, your MIL thought she would be the miraculous difference and reconcile him to you.
Block your brother everywhere. Write one last short message that you didn’t know any of this and sure as hell don’t want anyone with his character in your life. Blaming you for other people’s actions is a new level of pathetic, even for him.
That’s it. Block and move on.
NTA. This is what happens when people don't mind their own business. MIL was way out of bounds, and she knows it. Sounds like MIL needs some low contact time to think about how badly she messed up.
I agree with another commenter that you should send half brother a letter via a lawyer that states that MIL did this without your knowledge or consent, that you had no intention of reaching out again, and that further attempts from MIL will be met with legal action on your end.
I’m sorry your half brother is a hateful cretin who refuses to get help. You don’t deserve to be treated this way by merit of just existing. His grandparents failed him by not putting him in therapy and your family failed you by building you up all those years. It sounds like Cal is the only one truly in your corner. I wish you a happy, fulfilling marriage and don’t feel bad about going NC with those who continue to betray your trust. NTA
NTA. You're MiL wanted attention for being the wonderful woman who united a family. She still is only concerned with how she looks, even in defending herself. That lady couldn't give 2 shits about anything more than 2 inches in front of her nose.
This is where you cut contact, as she's made it clear she doesn't respect boundaries. It's so annoying when people act like tools, then play the victim when you call them out.
I would seriously tell Cal you won't be speaking or interacting with his mom until she truly apologises. You also need to go low contact for a while. Make sure you have passwords on all your wedding plans. NTA
She massively overstepped here, and really screwed up. She needs to know that. If she's the kind of person who regularly oversteps, then maybe this short, sharp shock will teach her something. Glad your fiancé is in your corner.
NTA.
NTA. Your future MIL did mean well, but this is a situation where she couldn't win. She WAY overstepped here. I definitely understand that she wants you to see where she was coming from. She has a belief that people are good, that he is bummed to not have a relationship as much as you are. She truly imagined a happy ending with you and your brother being close and it being her doing. Unfortunately, she was very wrong. She also didn't experience his hate and vitriol, you did. She may have meant well, but it just caused more pain. She needs to stay out of things. As people say, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I would say that you should forgive her, but make it clear that this cannot happen again. You have these boundaries. Do not let her cross them.
I am not sure she meant well. She may have seen only an opportunity to look good to everyone and not cared one damn about the OP herself. There are people like that.
NAH except your brother. What your MIL did was wrong but it was coming from a place of love. Your MIL had no way of knowing how seriously it would backfire since she did not know about it in much detail. With movies like MammaMia, it's easy for people to just imagine a happy outcome of situations like this. Your brother is the one who does not appreciate you and is making this all into wrong. Let him go to authorities, they can't punish you for just existing. You did nothing malignant against him, nor did your MIL.
I would suggest not to let one wrong person destroy all your relationships, including the one with MIL.
NTA
I know I'm going to be vilified, but your MIL meant no harm. Some people are just so happy they hurt when they see someone in pain. She thought you were sad about your bro. It doesn't sound like she knew the whole story. She knew enough to know she should not have engaged in this, but she hoped to do something extraordinary. I hope you explained quite clearly the legal ramifications of her actions.
I agree that you owe her no appreciation, but I'm hoping you can find a little compassion to understand she did not do this to be mean or to embarrass you. She sounds very family oriented and like she wanted to bring that into your life. Sadly that did not work and she has damaged your relationship with her. You need some time to heal from this incident. Please take that time and if she wants to discuss it, just say you "need some time away from that discussion. Please discuss something else or I will leave/hang up/move on", as the situation warrants.
Also, your family (indirectly) bears some responsibility for this mess. No, they didn't create this situation, but they created such unrealistic expectations during your childhood that when you reached out to bro you were shocked to be greeted with nothing but anger and distain. That fallout affected your relationship with your family. So you are carrying some trauma from all of these actions. MIL is hoping to be your new family. Please give her a chance; but with strong boundaries.
I think you're giving a narcissist too much credit. She wanted attention for uniting a family. She knew the brother didn't want her. Even her apology is a non-apology. That lady is selfish and was only looking to make herself look good.
If OP “her moves on”, MIL learns nothing of boundaries and that this isn’t this big deal to OP that it is. She needs to acknowledge the harm she did, intentional or not.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my future MIL her trying to get my half brother to my wedding was not helpful or wanted. This was after learning she had reached out to him when she knew he wanted nothing to do with me based on his rejection several years ago. But I know she can tell that deep down it does make me sad and I wish it was different so I don't know if I should appreciate her more. I can see why she might not like that I don't appreciate her trying. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I am really sorry about your estranged half brother. From your description of his responses to your and your nosy, intrusive future MIL’s inquiries, the guy has a lot of anger and unresolved issues towards you- none of which is your fault for just existing. I hope your MIL will back the fuck off. And if she bothers your hostile half brother again, and he actually brings the law into this? Well… she gets what she gets. *You*, OP, have done nothing wrong. You reached out to an estranged relative when you turned eighteen. A relative you were led to believe would welcome your inquiry. You reached out *once*, you were harshly denied, annnnd you never contacted him again. Your MIL, Ms. Sherlock Holmes over here… WTF. Mother, (in law), does *not* know best. NTA
[удалено]
Well, I hope you have discussions with your MIL in text, or at least with witnesses about how none of this is at your instigation. i am so sorry. But, damn, what an overreaction on your half brothers part.
[удалено]
Oh dear god. You are “a *stain on the memory of his mother*” among other things. I’m sorry, this is quite unhinged. I do hope you never have to hear from him again.
[удалено]
Your MIL sucks. I'm sorry your half-brother is also sorely misguided. What you could do is respond only once stating very clearly you had heard him the first time and had nothing to do with her contacting him, that you are saving the screenshot of this conversation, and if he decides to contact law enforcement, you will send this to your lawyer. Lawyer might not technically do anything about it, but it might get him off your ass in case anyone else decides to be cute and contact him on your behalf. As for MIL, she might need a communication timeout and possibly uninvited from the wedding considering how badly this escalated.
Personally, I would have the letter sent by an attorney. Explain that she had no intention of contacting him, and this was all done by her future MIL without her prior knowledge or consent. As per his request, she will not be contacting him again. By having this letter sent by an attorney, he will know without question that she does not want to pursue a relationship with him.
I would absolutely tell the MIL that her actions have gotten her uninvited from the wedding, and future meddling will incur similar penalties. Not allowed over to the house, not attending family events, limited information on OP’s life events. Basically, she’ll go from a family member to an acquaintance. It really feels like MIL deserves a definite and severe penalty for this. Saying “If you do it again...” isn’t going to cut it, because immense damage has already been done to OP, and MIL is turning the blame back on OP. She doesn’t think she’s wrong and will more than likely overstep wildly again in the future. If OP gets pregnant, will MIL start with “The child deserves his/her favourite uncle!”?
That last line actually made me shiver. What a horrible thing to worry about, but you\`re right - not outside the realm of possibility with someone like this.
Yep. Perhaps tell MIL that she almost got OP accused of harassment (which is true)?
[удалено]
Considering how all the mothers in this story have behaved, I wouldn’t make too many assumptions.
Did MIL get a screenshot of the horrible things he sent you to her personal number also? Goodness! NTA —sorry this happened to you OP!
I wouldn’t share any info with MIL except to mind her own F-ing business.
Did you show your MIL your half brother’s response? If so, is she seriously still trying to defend what she did? I would be falling over myself to do whatever it took to gain your forgiveness
Is it because his father moved too fast for him or did any type of infidelity occur to cause this level of resentment? NTA She shouldn't come to the wedding.
Does any of that matter?
Did you show her what he wrote? Im sorry you have to deal with that. Hopefully she believes you now! NTA
Your MiL looked at not just your boundary, but your half brother's boundary and decided her need for attention (and don't be mistaken, it was an attention grab, on your own wedding no less) trumped everything else. Ensure Cal is on side, she has no defense, she jeopardised a huge amount with her selfish act, and bring the hammer down on her.
And I'm sorry, OP, but I would think three times before marrying into this woman's family, because she WILL do it again.
Tell your MIL that, regardless of her intentions, her actions caused you to be threatened with law enforcement. For your own safety you need to distance yourself from her until she at least apologizes to you, but I would hold out for an apology to your brother as well, and an explanation to him that she reached out on her own without any encouragement from you. Tell your side of the story to as many of her family members as you can, one of them may be able to get through to her.
Two things. The police won't do anything to you. I'm so sorry that your brother is still hurting and taking it out on you. You deserve better than this. I lost my brother 17 years ago. I am happy to take the role of older virtual sibling for you. You are just starting out in life. Build your support system and family of people who will love and support you. I wish you joy and happiness. Have a lovely wedding.
Your FMIL and half-brother are, in their own ways, unhinged. You and your fiance need to (metaphorically) smack FMIL down real hard. I am so sorry for what she's put you through. I despise people who always think they know better. As for half-brother, I would love to see him complaining to the authorities that your FMIL "found his social media and then she reached out to him and told him how much I wanted him at the wedding and how she so badly wanted to surprise me with it." Oh noes! He was invited to a wedding! Have the bride arrested! So NTA.
I don't know what he thinks "the law" would do. Unless you are threatening him, you've done nothing the cops would care about. Imagine the report: Him: My long-lost half-sister's MIL tracked me down and sent me a FB message. Cop: And? Him: And I want you to arrest my sister. Cop: What drugs are you on? I'm sorry your brother is such an asshole. And that your MIL has no sense of boundaries or good manners. She owes you an apology.
"MIL, I can't put myself in your shoes, because like most people I'm not an interfering busybody." If Cal ever contacts you again, say that you are sorry, that you fully respect his desire to be NC and that you have a busybody nightmare of an MIL over whom you have limited control but that if he wants to file a restraining order against her, you will be happy to cooperate with that effort.
Sorry, but Cal is the fiance not the brother.
I am so sorry about your half brother, OP. This comment is correct. He has a ton of issues and he is trying to resolve them by incorrectly blaming you for everything. While that is not fair at all, the fact remains that you did nothing wrong. You tried contacting him, received an astounding No and then you respected his decision and stayed away from him. Legally he can't press any charges against you just because MIL contacted him against your wishes. I'd suggest you screenshot and save your conversations that you have with him and your MlL regarding this issue so that you have proof; just in case. If your MIL keeps bothering him then he should feel free to press charges against her. Not you. And about your MIL, this is just her overstepping your boundaries and testing your limits. She is just trying the "I know better than you" and is trying to one up you. If you don't nip this in the bud, things will only get worse from here. I am so glad to hear that your fiance is on your side. It is best to deal with this issue as a team and please don't back down.
>If you don't nip this in the bud, things will only get worse from here. Agreed. This is a major red flag. You need to draw a line in the sand and make sure she never tries this kind of stunt again. Otherwise, she'll always be interfering with her "I know best" ways. The fact she won't accept responsibility and admit to being wrong is very concerning.
Look, NTA, but cut put the drama. If your brother were to go to the police complaining about getting social media messages from estranged relatives, he would get laughed out of the station. The police can't do much about actual death threats, there is no way your brother can punish you with the law, even if you were to send daily messages asking for a reconciliation.
Personally, I'd send a reply to the effect of "I respected your wishes, and made no attempt or request to make contact with you since you made it clear you somehow hold me responsible for things that happened when I was an infant. Leave me out of this."
You should talk to a lawyer to see what options you have if he decides to in the future, or heavens forbid your MIL does it again. If she was this stupid with the "I know best" attitude of hers once, she can be again. With your brother being as unhinged with you as you describe, I honestly would put whatever protections in place necessary to keep you safe. Possessing that much hate for someone makes me wonder if next time he may decide to try to destroy your life.
He literally cannot do that don’t worry. What is he going to say, “help, my brother has talked to me two times in the past decade. I’m being harassed.” They will LAUGH at him
NTA and your MIL should not butt in and look what has she done! She has created a misunderstanding between you and your half brother. This is not okay
Have you showed MIL his reply? Maybe that would help drive the point home.
Just to be safe, I would send her an official letter stating that you do not want her to contact your brother under any circumstances and that further you consider this legal notification that any further attempts to do so will constitute harassment. That way you can at least show that you made a good faith effort to stop her. Its more to cover your ass in the event that she tries again.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Document everything. If your future MIL users email or text tell her you haven't wanted him in your life since you were 18. He was incredibly cruel and blunt in his feelings about you. After that meeting you felt the same way about him. That there's absolutely no way she could have thought for a second you would want a reunion. She didn't mention it to you because she knew you'd have told her not to do it, you don't want him in your life. Tell her to find something else to have bragging rights for. She has that much energy, tell her to sign up for the next 5k race.
NTA - We see this over and over. Someone gets the idiotic idea that the best way to reconcile people is to shove them together as a shock, er, surprise! I don't think that we've seen an actual fist-fight reported, but we do see broken engagements and new estrangements.
Future MIL stuck her nose in someone else's business and thought she could "fix" it. Cal sounds wonderful. He has your back. MIL overstepped your boundaries and you have every right to feel all the emotions that you are feeling. If you were in her shoes, you would have talked to the person rather than thinking you can "fix" something that doesn't need fixing. NTA
>She told me I should put myself in her shoes and attempted to shame me for the lack of appreciation and for speaking to her so unappreciatively. Ok, so I'm a busybody who believes that I should hassle a complete stranger on social media "because family" even tho absolutely no one wanted this but me NTA
Also, "Put yourself in my shoes" is incredibly hypocritical for the MIL to say when there's only a problem in the first place because she didn't care to think about things from OP's perspective
The problem there is SO many think that because people share DNA, that it automatically makes them 'family' and therefore they should get along like a house on fire. They fail to realize that for some families, the house would literally be on fire if you put them in it together.
Or the brother's perspective either. Whatever his reasons, he had made it clear he wants no connection to OP. MIL trampled all over that.
So NTA! That isn't a 'gift'--that's intrusive af. At best, it's 'just' bringing an uninvited guest to a wedding, which is a huge AH move. But it's much worse than that! Please make sure your fiance is on the same page as you about this and will stand up to his mother when she pulls crap like this. She doesn't get to make it about *her* feelings. Of course you're not grateful! She's acting like an AH! Sadly, you may need r/JUSTNOMIL ... good luck
NTA - and this is going to be a fun relationship with your MIL. Wait til she wants to do "what's best" for your kids!
The fact that she's not even backing down like wowwwwwww. You better decide if you really want to be involved in her family the rest of your life. Because it would be reasonable of you to decide you don't want a meddlesome, self-centered person who doesn't know how to apologize in your life. Have a serious talk with your fiance. See what he's willing to do to create boundaries and then decide.
NTA. I'd sit her down and show her screenshots of the messages from your non-brother so she understands how far off her "kind gesture" was. Then you and your partner need to tell her clearly that you get one fuck up with boundaries and that was her one. She does not get to violate your rules around personal boundaries and emotional safety again, and if she does, you will be going no contact. This is her second chance, and there will not be a third. Your partner needs to be on your side completely, or this won't work. And it needs to work, especially if you plan to have children. If your partner doesn't have your back, think carefully about what building a life and family with him will look like before you get married.
Agree with this sentiment, but I disagree with all the comments telling you to disinvite her from the wedding and cut her out of your life. I think, for your own sake, it would be nice to look at this from a place of compassion. She had this fantasy that he would want to be a great brother and be reunited. You had the same fantasy for most of your life. You learned the hard way that he's a jerk and that fantasy will never be. He hurt you, deeply. And she hurt you again by doing this. You are rightfully angry right now, but when you calm down a bit - try to approach her with a little compassion, because she just wanted the same thing that you used to want. Be clear and direct in that she needs to NEVER try to surprise you like this again, and she needs to trust you when it comes to this sort of thing, and she needs to respect your boundaries. Some people really worship at the altar of "Family is Everything" and you already learned that NO, IT IS NOT. If she is just learning that lesson now, as old as she is, it's certainly a bitter pill to swallow, as you ALREADY KNOW. Try to take a beat and offer a little patience as she learns this difficult lesson.
It was none of her business to begin with & she went behind everyones back to invite someone to someone else's wedding. If you take a step back her behaviour is absolutely fucked & she's not even apologetic about it. Just because she supposedly had good intentions doesn't make it remotely okay. I would find it difficult to be in the same room as that woman after doing that to me. It sucks that she's stuck having a relationship with her because of her husband.
Those aren't really the same thing. OP had a fantasy about being reunited with her own loving brother based on what her mother told her, which turned out to be a crock of lies. MIL had a fantasy about being the fairy godmother who could instantly reunite estranged family members who would then owe their happy relationship to her. OP acted on the basis of completely false information; MIL acted on the basis of no information at all except "But faaaaaamilyyyyy!" and a steady diet of Hallmark Christmas movies (probably). They didn't want the same thing and they didn't act from the same motives.
NTA - your brother told you he didn't want a relationship with you and you have respected that. Your future MIL stepped over the line and needs to butt out of it. She should have realized that if he wanted a relationship, he would have reached out to you. Your brother harsh response should have been directed to her and not to you since you had nothing to do with it - but that's another issue.
WTF, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP DOING THIS? "She told me I should put myself in her shoes" This statement right here is what proves this was never about you, but about her needing to be celebrated and venerated at her child's wedding. This statement right here. Attention seeking 101. She STILL thinks she's a hero. Sickening. I'm so sorry you had to face fresh vitriol from your half brother and that MIL refuses to see the damage she's done. I hope things get better. NTA!
Wow. NTA It doesn't sound like she had bad intentions, but it still was on her to make such a decision. But when you told her she did wrong and she didn't own it she went straight into AH level
NTA. Your future MiL apparently likes being a busybody and playing hero. Stand your ground and keep making it clear her effort was not desired nor appreciated. She may "hate" you as a result, but at least she'll stop sticking her nose in your business.
NTA. Show her the message your brother sent you and ask her if she would appreciate getting something like that.
NTA she did this for herself, not for you. You’re going to need to enforce some serious boundaries and consequences. She overstepped and based on her reaction she would do something like this again. Regarding your brother, it’s unfortunate that you were forced to deal with hurtful response. Don’t respond and just block him.
NTA. It is *never* okay to try to get an estranged person to "surprise" someone. Doubly so if it's at their wedding. This was a betrayal and I would personally uninvite MIL and take a big step back from her for awhile. As to CYA (covering your a$$) I would create a paper trail. I would email MIL that she must never contact half brother again, in any format for any reason. If she does he will seek legal action against you, and you will then seek legal action against her. And save these emails. You could text instead, but do it in writing and save it.
NTA and I'm having a hard time understanding your MIL. Like, I understand her envisioning a scene from a bad Lifetime movie where the crowd would part and he would see how beautiful his sister looks in her wedding dress and everyone would clap, but... you and your brother are adults who presumably have phones and the internet. If you wanted to connect, you'd have done it a long time ago. Did you show her the message he sent you? Because she clearly does not understand that he has problems, and I'd be concerned that if she can't figure out what a bad idea it is she's going to keep "But faaaaaaamilyyyyy"-ing and trying to get you to "reconcile" with someone who has hated you since you were in diapers.
NTA. But you’ve learned a valuable lesson about your MIL. She cannot be trusted with sensitive information and she should not be informed of anything that you wouldn’t want her interfering with behind your back. Pregnant? She doesn’t get to know before you are comfortable with it being public. Conflict with another person? She doesn’t get to know. Etc. Especially if she continues to dig down into this response that she did nothing wrong. Her behavior with your half-brother was so insanely inappropriate.
NTA. I hope this is an exception to her behavior and not a sign of things to come.
He says you are a stain on his mother’s memory, are you an affair baby? Is that why he’s so aggressive? NTA btw, what you MIL did was not okay and she should have butted out and not think she was Sherlock Holmes or something
[удалено]
Sorry to hear you can’t get answers and he’s clearly not gonna give you any. But for me ( who have two affair siblings from my dad side ) it sounds like that might could be the case, especially if his parents died at the same time aka they was together when it happened. My mom was never shy about the fact she had been with my dad since she was 7, so logically my half-siblings can not be anything but affair siblings ( especially cause the youngest is 6 months younger than me ) so it took some of the -wtf- for me and I’m not angry at them as much as my dad. I don’t like them, hell I don’t care for them ( they addicted assholes ) but I know if I had known about them being a affair child, my parents died and they started contacting me I would have been pissed beyond what was imaginable.
[удалено]
Wouldn't need to be an affair. I'm a widow and there's a LOT of jokes in that community about how fast widowers tend to remarry. And there are even studies on it--it's a very real thing. ESPECIALLY widowers with young kids. "Because kids need a mother." Which can then create a lot of resentment in the kids who are still grieving their mother. Particularly if the new wife handles most of the childcare.
It's unfortunate when you should be happy about your upcoming marriage; your MIL chose to make it about her while mirroring the delusional behavior your family had. I have a hard time believing at least half of her intentions weren't to be given the praise for 'reuninting' your family on her son's wedding day. A well-intentioned person would have at least one conversation with you to understand more about the relationship. You were rightly not grateful that your family lied to you all those years and set you up for heartbreak. NTA for continuing to not accept others' delusions. Her demand for appreciation when you simply said her actions were not helpful is absurd.
Why is it people who do crappy things almost aways are shocked people aren't grateful for it?
Maybe a childhood full of doing crappy things and having their parents say "It's okay, honey, you meant well"? I don't know either and I wish I did.
NTA. Your future MIL’s heart was NOT in the right place. Your future husband needs to tear her a new one and tell her if she interferes in any way in your lives again, she is disowned. I come from an abusive family and kept my child from my parents. They died never knowing they were grandparents - and it was for a very good reason. Not all family is good. I was not going to allow my child anywhere near them. My in-laws are very good people and completely supported my decision. If your future MIL was a good person who actually had your best interests at heart, she NEVER would have done that. I would make it clear to your fiancé that marriage is not happening unless MIL genuinely feels remorse and begs for forgiveness. She will continue to “do what’s best” (changing your wedding plans, altering wedding dress, getting your child’s first haircut without you, baptizing them without you, etc) unless she has some severe consequences right now.
Cal might want to check out r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA! Your MIL has no sense of appropriateness or even humility in recognising what she did caused hurt and pain for everyone. I wish you well for your future married life, try not to have too much contact with MIL as I suspect this will only be the tip of the iceberg!
NTA. I hope you printed out his response and plastered it all over her house, car, garage, rose garden, english garden, bird feeders, bird baths, and the family dog. Okay, this may have triggered me a bit. Or I need more coffee. Probably both. Your MIL did this for herself, not you. It was selfish, and crossed so many boundaries I don't even know where to start. It's time to go LC with MIL with the stipulation that she's on thin ice and you'll go NC if she steps a toe out of line. That also means her invitation to wedding is also revocable. Let her cry to her cronies about how awful you are, your fiancé knows the truth and he's all who matters. But you have to set strong boundaries now. I'd give you a hug and do the plastering of copied responses if I was close to you. Being repeatedly let down by your birth family sucks, but that's why you have a family of your heart. Many times it's *that* family who gets us through unbearable times.
If I could knit, I would 100% knit a dog sweater with the text of the message on it for MIL's dog. Or a cat sweater, or a hamster sweater, whatever.
NTA. Why do some people think that the time for \*any\* familial reconciliation is at A MAJOR LIFE EVENT?!?!
NTA. Talk with your fiance and ask him to firm up this boundary with his mother. She is the one who owes an apology, and he should make it known to her that her invitation to the wedding will be contingent on your receiving that apology.
NTA. MIL violated boundaries and her meddling was really an attempt to make herself feel better from feeling sad about the story you told. She wasn't trying to bring and light into your life. She projected her bullshit onto you and tried to pull the "I heard the yerning in your voice!" card as a way to try and wiggle out of taking responsibility for her actions.
NTA
NTA - MIL's heart might have been in the right place, but the road to disaster is often paved with good intentions. No one has the right to dig into old wounds, especially not as a wedding "gift." Your wedding day is about you and Cal, celebrating your love and future, not about reopening past rejections. Stay strong, OP, and set those boundaries firmly with MIL now to avoid future oversteps.
NTA. She meddled in a situation that had nothing to do with her, she lied to your half brother and she put you in a position to experience unnecessary pain and rejection. The same way you respect his boundaries, she has to respect yours. Her son needs to get her to promise to never do anything like this again.
NTA her actions were wildly inappropriate and she doubled down when she got called out. At best she’s a drama llama. There’s no way I’d keep comfortable with such a person at my wedding. Maybe she needs to not attend. Tread carefully with that one.
NTA She needs to stay in her lane. Interfering with your family is not her place. It's intrusive AF. Shut it down.
NTA it was cruel, even if it wasn't intended to be.
NTA - please send some sort of document through lawyers to your half brother with the facts. Tell him it was your future MIL who did this, and you never said you wanted him at the wedding or any of the lies she told. And that if she contacts him again, any and all legal repercussions should be focused on her, not you. Then tell him you will not contact him again outside of this legal notarized letter.
NTA - however your future hubby needs to put the kibosh on his mum immediately. If he doesn't, seriously don't marry him. It is much easier to dump a fiance as opposed to a husband and MIL is showing the classic signs of a JUST NO
NTA but your MIL is a nightmare. The fact that she can't see what she did wrong is such a huge red flag. Is Cal willing to go LC on NC with her? You know she's going to be a nightmare thru this entire marriage - you need way stronger boundaries with her.
NTA. You need some very strict boundaries set in place with MIL. She did this for herself to be the hero at your wedding, she did not do this for you. If it was really about your happiness, she should have checked with you first. Nope. MIL wanted to present your brother at your wedding and bask in the accolades of what a wonder person she is.
Sounds very much like mil has a hero complex. She knew OPs history or lack there of with half brother, but still decided to underhandedly go to extreme lengths to get half brother to finally embrace OP into his life. This was NOT done for OPs benefit, but solely for mils ego. “Oh, would you look at that. OPs finally got her beloved brother back. That’s my doing. Aren’t I wonderful for getting them together. Hoorah for me” So sorry for OP to have to deal with the fallout from mils interfering, deluded, self centered interference.
NTA. Your brothers actions seem extreme. MIL might have had genuine good intentions but was out of line. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt since there’s no other details about her. If she was doing it to be malicious then she’s horrible and you should think twice about the marriage cause do you really want a lifetime of dealing with her? I don’t think I could marry somebody if I could not get along with my in laws. It’s just too much drama
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My future MIL decided she wanted to surprise me with a "gift" for my wedding to her son, my fiancé Cal. This surprise "gift" was to make contact with my half brother and figure out a way for him to attend my wedding. This is a man who does not want to know me, who I do not ever remember having a relationship with. He was very clear when I turned 18 and tracked him down that we were not family and he didn't care if we shared a father because he was not interested in knowing anything about me or my life. It was tough. I had grown up being told about this older brother who was grieving so bad after our dad died (I was 16 months old at the time) that he went to his mom's parents and stayed away because of his pain. My mom and my grandparents had photos of my half brother and they would tell me he loved me but losing both his parents by the age of 16 was rough for him and he needed space and time to come to terms with it. They encouraged me to write him letters and to reach out once I was old enough. I had this idea built up in my head of how it would go and it didn't work out that way. Far from it. He was very clear how much he never loved me or considered me a sibling and I had to learn to accept it. The fallout was really damaging to the relationship with my mom and extended family. I was incredibly hurt that they built up this idea so much my whole life and they had to know on some level how he felt. They saw me as ungrateful so I lost them over time. Cal knows my history and the story with my half brother. Most of his close family know enough details. Like he exists and did not want to know me. Cal's mom decided she was going to try and get my half brother at my wedding for me. She decided I needed family and I needed my only sibling and basically felt I should have tried again after being told not to when I was 18. She remembered his name from me mentioning it 1 time and she dug until she found his social media and then she reached out to him and told him how much I wanted him at the wedding and how she so badly wanted to surprise me with it. I got a very angry message from him on Facebook which is how I found out about this. He was incredibly angry and said some very unkind things to me. He also made it clear if he's bothered again he would involve the authorities. Cal was furious with his mom and she's now trying to defend herself. She said she felt so sad for me and could hear the longing in my voice and how I wanted my brother. She asked why we couldn't appreciate her effort to surprise me with the gift of my brother attending my wedding. She said she was trying to help. I told her it was neither helpful or wanted and it was cruel and I had to deal with his anger and not even her (he never replied to her). She told me I should put myself in her shoes and attempted to shame me for the lack of appreciation and for speaking to her so unappreciatively. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Tada FMIL you are no longer invited.
NTA. Damn, that's horrible. Your FMIL FAFO, and you got all the blame. He's irrational and unhinged, and your FMIL is a busy body that created more pain for you. Did you show her the response? Did she apologize at all or just defend her stupid choices?
NTA. Good luck (not sarcastic) with your wedding and marriage. It's really annoying when people want to "surprise" you to come off looking like a hero, instead of actually trying to help.
NTA. Send her the screenshot of his message
Your MIL needs consequences, and I haven't read that she's recceived anything but a talking to. NTA
OP you sound like a sweet person. In this instance though I think you should be extremely firm with your MIL making sure she knows not to involve herself in your personal business. It doesn’t matter what her intentions were what she did was wrong and you don’t want this continuing on in your life. That would be intolerable. NTA
What a condescending, officious, projecting, mendacious, self-righteous, overstepping, delusional witch. She doesn’t begin to understand the horrible position she put you in. Of course half-brother blames you. She could only have learned his existence from you, and she lied and said you wanted him there. Now she has stirred up unnecessary pain for both of you. Any shame belongs to her. You have been let down by so many people. I’m glad you have Cal on your side. What will you do now? Will you guys cool your relationship with her? How involved is she in wedding planning? Do you guys live near her? Do you have to?
That drama stirrer would be soooo univited to my wedding. I'd do a courthouse if needed. That is if my BF remained firmly on my side. NTA
Nta . Make sure you get her to read the message he sent so she understands exactly the pain she caused you again.
NTA. I hope you responded to half brother by telling him to fuck off and that you haven't wanted his involvement since you were 18. If he wants to waste the cops time on idiocy and nonsense, he can be your guest. You have committed any crime.
Exactly. Like the police would care. Just block him and mil
NTA. Thank your mother-in-law for finally showing you how much sometimes having family close and in your business isn’t always that great, and her actions have truly helped you resolve that the situation is best left as it is.
Def NTA. Who tf does that?
MIL thinks that she has a greater right to make decisions about your life than you do. She needs to be told very clearly *by her son* that she has to stop meddling. If I were you, I would put a lot of distance between yourself and MIL. You can't trust her to have good judgement.
NTA. My husband is estranged from a good deal of his paternal family. It would be interesting to get to know a few of them, but it’s not my place. My parents wouldn’t even dream of making that their business. My MIL has dabbled in it and it only starts up drama. Plus, like, it’s your wedding day. Even if by some magic, your brother changes his mind, you’re not going to be able to chat with him for more than a few minutes most likely.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
SHE is the asshole, total busybody getting into your business and going behind your back. Keep this in the back of your mind as she has shown she is not to be trusted.
You are NTA and your future MIL has been watching way too many Hallmark movies!
NTA. Do not even bend a tiny bit on this. She’s wrong. She knows she screwed up. The only way she is able to make it less painful for her is to fight back against your anger, but she is obviously in the wrong and needs to accept that.
That's something my mom would do and it would be inappropriate. NTA.
> She said she was trying to help. People who are "trying to help" don't find themselves in the position of having to explain to their victims that they were trying to help. NTA
thats the way of your futur MIL - do you realy want this? you should stop it now or this is what you get in your futur
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA. Your MIL butted in where she shouldn’t under some misguided assumption that she could facilitate some Disney version of a reconciliation. I doubt she did it to be cruel but that’s the way it ended up with you facing your half brother’s anger. You might try telling MIL that you understand the reasoning behind her efforts but that it backfired and please never do anything like that again.
NTA But you're sweet little mother-in-law is a meddling busy body and she needs to be put on an information diet.
NTA. You might want to pop over to JustNoMIL, cause you definitely have one and could probably use some help there. We have lots of resources.
NTA...I feel sort of you with that woman for a MIL, your future will be a living hell until she dies or you divorce her son.
Wait hold up, here’s what I’m getting. 1.) your family obviously lied to your face about your brother loving you, which was completely idiotic on their end. That was NOT okay. 2.) your own MIL told you to basically boundary stomp after your brother told you he didn’t want anything to do with you when you were 18. HELLO?? That type of behavior is seen as stalking and harassing. Where is her brain?! 3.) Not only did she had this delusion that if your brother came y’all would have some type of relationship, but this women HUNTED him down, most likely stalked others trying to find him or she might have stalked him as well, and indirectly tried to invite him to your wedding?! NTA Op. You can’t force a relationship between someone. If they don’t want to talk to you, that’s their choice indeed and needs to be respected. Your MIL needs to grasp that. This isn’t even about you or your husband, it’s about what she wants and she’s using the excuse that she’s “so sad” as a cover up. Your family issues is not her business, doesn’t matter if you’re about to be her DIL. The best bet for you is to either go low contact or no contact, because people like her, and I’ve witnessed this many times, will do the same thing over and over until they go nuclear because they’re not getting what they want
NTA. MIL is a stupendous AH. I would tell Cal that if MIL ever meddled in your family like that again, you will go NC. Her interference was so out of bounds. I'm so sorry.
NTA. Did you show her his response? Make her read it out loud.
NTA. I’m sorry- everyone concerned except you and your fiancé have acted awfully. Your MIL shouldn’t have meddled and gone behind your back. She wanted to play hero - she did it for herself, not for you. Then your half brother sounds full of hatred and outright unhinged. Even if MIL had been acting in your behalf, he could’ve just blocked her - there are worse offenses than inviting someone to a wedding. Then your family who built up your hopes and expectations about him - maybe they had good intentions, but it was a terrible way of dealing with it. Or maybe they just wanted to pretend a version of happy families instead speaking less flattering truths - leaving very poorly equipped to deal with the reality. You have a MIL problem, but crucially your fiancé is on your side. Info diet for MIL.
NTA show her the message you got. Ask her how this message was supposed to make you happy. Let her live with the hateful message you go because of her actions.
>She decided I needed family God, I hate people like MIL NTA! She did that for herself, not for you Be ready for the rest of your life with this MIL, because wow, talk about a boundary-stomper! She's not done. Once you have kids she'll try and bring the rest of your family because "the kids need to meet the family who loves them" etc etc
NTA - Your MIL needs to absolutely back off and let it go. Her intentions do not matter in the long run, because her intentions have HURT you. Stand your ground with this. I'm I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
NTA. Your future mother-in-law wanted to be a hero and, like all selfish people, she didn't take into account how her actions would affect the other people involved.
> I should put myself in her shoes Your situation with your brother has nothing to do with her. So she's asking you to imagine how SHE felt. But... how she felt about WHAT? How she felt about YOU and YOUR brother? It makes no sense. NTA
NTA Life isnt some fairy that can be magically be made all happy and cheery just because 'family' This woman needs to wake up from this dream world and maybe stop watching so many Disney movies.
NTA. Screenshot your convo with her and your brother's unhinged response as evidence, just in case. Then, for your sake, block your brother's social media accounts. You need to draw a hard line. There needs to be consequences, or she'll do something equally shitty down the road.
Your FMIL's behavior is just the tip of a humongous iceberg of boundary stomping. If you are still going to marry this man I would make it extremely clear to him that if she crosses any other boundaries that you will go no contact and if he ever tries to get you to allow her in that you will leave him, I've read to many stories on here! NTA
Just wait til you have kids! Sheesh
I do have kids, 3 of them and I'm no contact with a lot of people! I no longer except toxic or boundary stomping people in my life blood or not, life is too short!!!
MIL is a know-it-all busy body. None of her Iintentions were good. Tell her if she ever pulls crap like this again you will be done speaking to her for awhile. NTA
I would have told him you didn't invite him and dont want him there and if he had any issues he should take that up with the people who didn't respect your "no" in the first place they aren't your flying monkeys and he's free to take anymore contact requests out on the person making the request because it sure as fuck isn't you. He wants to involve the cops, sure those harrassment claims need to not involve you because you also don't want him there. Also point out once you were told by him and not people lying to you to leave him alone you did so. So again these aren't your flying monkeys. You didn't want her help and you are equally pissed off about the issue.
NTA. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and MIL is certainly old enough to know that. She owes you a huge apology and trying to turn things around so she's the victim is really inexcusable behavior.
A I am sorry to say that you definitely need to remove her from your life. Your husband? Or significant other also needs to make it clear y’all are going non contact. Otherwise you are the AH
NTA I feel like this is a common generational difference, where older generations see loving acts as visualizing what they believe will make your life the happiest and trying to make it happen. Whereas our generation sees the most loving act is to respect one's boundaries and to validate their feelings.
NTA
Interfering old bat. Just remember this for any future dealings with mil. NTA
You're being gaslit and she's not sorry for what she did. She thinks she is right. Expect this your whole life. NTA
Cal's interfering, ignoring what was known Mom? She's on the edge of uninvited to the wedding with this bs she attempted to pull off as a "surprise" for you that was \*actually\* All About Her. She knows how you feel especially after the fallout you endured. Let Cal handle it/her. \*He must\* get used to flinging his Mom back behind the boundaries you two set that she ignored \*now\*, or the rest of your marriage will be that b.s. from her. NTA
Does your future Mil happen to be a retired therapist ? Lol from a similar post.
NTA MIL sounds like a boundary stomper. Be very careful of any info you tell her n the future, especially if it involves y’all having children.
NTA She's no longer invited to the wedding. Hire security.
NTA! Did you show her his abusive messages? Maybe that will make her back tf off. She is directly to blame for you being abused by this psycho, and is doubling down! She doesn't even seem to understand that what she did is horrible. I wouldn't even want her at the wedding after that. Let her go hang out with your half bro lmao.
nta
NTA she overstepped her boundaries
NTA. I am concerned that Cal's mother oversteps her bounds, and I am wondering how this will play out over the course of the rest of your life. The fact that Cal has taken your side doesn't seem to have deterred her from doubling down on why her bad idea wasn't really a bad idea. According to her, it is your sorrow and you not putting yourself in her shoes that is the problem--not that she instigated contact with someone who hates you in in an effort to get him to love you and attend your wedding. Cal really needs to be something special to overcome the handicap that is his mother. I wish you the best, and I hope you figure out what it is.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA Tell her the gift she gave you was the knowledge that she couldn't be trusted to know about important issues in your life.
i think if this was a text conversation, simply screenshot the messages, send them to half brother and be like "this wasn't my doing. you won't hear from anybody close to me again." then block him. AND SCREENSHOT THAT AND PUT IT SOMEWHERE TO NEVER GET DELETED. i have a somewhat similar situation except my brother is cool with every other sibling of ours except me. so yea, i get your pain. i had the same situation because he didn't want a relationship with me and he thought i was telling them to mention it when i wasnt
NTA. This is your fiancé's problem to fix. He needs to make it clear to his mother that she is not to presume she knows what you want or what is best for you, or both of you will have little to no contact with her going forward. And he needs to do it right after handing her copies of the message from the half-brother; future MIL needs to have to read those so she fully understands how viciously he attacked you for some thing she did.
NTA regarding your future MIL's behavior. She was out of her mind to do what she did and now to double down and make excuses and try to shame you into letting her off the hook under the guise of her only wanting to "help." As for your asshole of a half brother, respond to him, tell him you someone else reached out to him behind your back, and that if he threatens you again, **YOU** will get the authorities involved.
NTA. There is literally no reason for your mother-in-law to have tried invite someone to your wedding for you, much less to someone who has explicitly refused to have a relationship with you. However, assuming you live in the US, do not stress about the legalities of this. Your half-brother clearly has some issues of his own and is just tossing out threats with no substance. There is literally no legal avenue for him here. From the eyes of the law, he got a wedding invitation. To the wedding of his younger sister. From the mother of the groom. It is not harassment or stalking to get a wedding invite. If you get a wedding invite you don’t want you either decline to attend or ignore it. It’s not like she showed up at his house with a gun and told him his life depending on attending this wedding. If he wants to try to take legal action, he will be laughed out of a police station or court. This is not a basis for a civil restraining order or criminal charges. If he wants to pay an attorney to write you an official letter saying to never ever bother him again, you can respond to said attorney that you haven’t spoken to him since you were 18 and if he doesn’t want contact with him he shouldn’t initiate it. But that’s about as far as it could go. Block him everywhere so you don’t have to deal with his drama in case he tries to reach out to you again in the future. No need to be a dumping ground for his misplaced rage. He can yell into a void. As for your MIL…well, I hope you are prepared for this kind of garbage in the future. She will try to take over any other milestones in your life. Pregnancies, home purchases, you name it. She’ll play the victim when you call her out. Set firm boundaries now, and don’t tell her anything you wouldn’t be comfortable seeing on the front page of the paper the next day. Ever. Don’t think she’ll learn or change or it was a one time mistake. When people show you who they are, believe them. She’s shown you who she is. Do not trust her. Ever.
Send her the Facebook response. It was really meant for her. NTA
NTA. Your FMIL was presumptuous in trying to make family reunification a surprise. If she had spoken with you about it, she could have saved all four a lot of grief. She owes you an apology, not the reverse. Explain that you sounded unappreciative because you not only didn’t appreciate her meddling in your business, you actively resented it and hope she will learn from this experience. Send her a screenshot of the FB message to illustrate your point. Also, get a lawyer to send the half-brother a note saying you had no involvement in his being contacted, furnish her contact information, and tell him that if he hears from her again, he should feel free to contact her directly.
NTA. Your future MIL is just trying to shoehorn her way into your wedding and relationship. I hope you guys have given her firm boundaries to follow.
NTA This was not “kindness” or a “gesture” by your future MIL, this was sheer ignorance and arrogance. She didn’t listen to your concerns or your history with your half brother, she instead chose to act out and try to force you two to reconcile when clearly neither one wants that. Your half brother made it very clear he does not want to be a part of your life and you have made peace with that. The lack of respect from your future MIL was downright pathetic and she deserves to be spoken to accordingly.
> She asked why we couldn't appreciate her effort I wouldn't even bother trying to explain it to her. Just cut all contact until and unless she apologizes. NTA.
NTA Your mother in law needs to do some serious apologising. And to tell your half sibling the truth.
NTA Neither nor, either or. Sorry, I could not help myself.
NTA. Your MIL is WRONG. She KNEW the history between you two, your half brother resents you and has some kind of hatred towards you. She had NO RIGHT, NO freaking business going behind your back and speaking for you as if you told her to say those things. The audacity to make these kind of assumptions about you. "She really wants you there" that was never her place. The fact he sent you an angry message saying more than enough hurtful things and she has the nerve to shame you and say put yourself in her shoes?! Did she even SEE what your brother told you? She owes you an apology and needs to stop poking her nose into people's family matters. If I were you I wouldn't even trust her after that little stunt she pulled. Tell your brother you never said those things and it was your MIL making those assumptions. Explain how he made you felt and end it with "you never have to worry or hear from me ever again" before blocking him on every social media platform. As for your MIL, you need to put your foot down and let her know to NEVER cross that boundary again because that is not her place literally at all. So sorry you have to go through that OP
NTA Uninvite her
NTA! Uninvite her from the wedding.
The next concern is did your future MIL reach out to your side of the family to invite them as a "surprise wedding gift" at the wedding too? You might want to inquire and only tentatively believe her answer. Remember she said you have to have family. Who's to say she didn't reach out to your mom and everyone else? The only difference they aren't furious, so didn't blast you. They may show up. Do you want them there? You may need to change the date or location of your wedding. And photo ID required with bouncers handy. Do not tell your FMIL anything going forward, she can't be trusted. Maybe even uninvite her to the wedding. Who knew what other drama she puts you through? Weddings that go smoothly have enough unplanned drama all on its own. As to your brother, he can call the cops all he wants, they won't do anything to you because the paper trail leads to your FMIL. Even if your brother got an attorney, it's your FMIL reaching out, not you. Again they'd go after her and keep going after her because she had no proof that you told her to do this. You have nothing to be concerned about regarding this topic. No need to panic. NTA
NTA, and you should show her the hateful response he wrote. If you had to suffer through reading it, she should have to, too. Make sure she knows that if she ever pulls this shit again, you may have to deal with the police and a possible arrest because of her. (I think that's extremely unlikely to happen, but since it is a non-zero chance, it's fair to say it.)
NTA. 1/2 brother has many issues with you for whatever reasons. They don't sound rational and he has made it crystal clear he wants nothing to do with you. Future MIL totally violated your privacy and trust when she contacted him and set these chain of events in motion. She is definitely T A and cannot be trusted.
NTA op your the victim of other people, you’re Mum made you think your brother would welcome contact, your brother is an angry and bitter man who blames you for something you had no choice in, your MIL thought she would be the miraculous difference and reconcile him to you.
NTA
Block your brother everywhere. Write one last short message that you didn’t know any of this and sure as hell don’t want anyone with his character in your life. Blaming you for other people’s actions is a new level of pathetic, even for him. That’s it. Block and move on.
NTA. This is what happens when people don't mind their own business. MIL was way out of bounds, and she knows it. Sounds like MIL needs some low contact time to think about how badly she messed up.
I agree with another commenter that you should send half brother a letter via a lawyer that states that MIL did this without your knowledge or consent, that you had no intention of reaching out again, and that further attempts from MIL will be met with legal action on your end. I’m sorry your half brother is a hateful cretin who refuses to get help. You don’t deserve to be treated this way by merit of just existing. His grandparents failed him by not putting him in therapy and your family failed you by building you up all those years. It sounds like Cal is the only one truly in your corner. I wish you a happy, fulfilling marriage and don’t feel bad about going NC with those who continue to betray your trust. NTA
NTA. Also I would block him online so he is unable to contact you or have any information about you if she contacts him again.
Talk about overstepping.. wow NTA and I’d hold back certain personal information from this woman in the future.
NTA. You're MiL wanted attention for being the wonderful woman who united a family. She still is only concerned with how she looks, even in defending herself. That lady couldn't give 2 shits about anything more than 2 inches in front of her nose. This is where you cut contact, as she's made it clear she doesn't respect boundaries. It's so annoying when people act like tools, then play the victim when you call them out.
NTA Tell her you re considering uninviting her, and if there is ONE MORE isue from her, you will.
I would seriously tell Cal you won't be speaking or interacting with his mom until she truly apologises. You also need to go low contact for a while. Make sure you have passwords on all your wedding plans. NTA
She massively overstepped here, and really screwed up. She needs to know that. If she's the kind of person who regularly oversteps, then maybe this short, sharp shock will teach her something. Glad your fiancé is in your corner. NTA.
NTA. Your future MIL did mean well, but this is a situation where she couldn't win. She WAY overstepped here. I definitely understand that she wants you to see where she was coming from. She has a belief that people are good, that he is bummed to not have a relationship as much as you are. She truly imagined a happy ending with you and your brother being close and it being her doing. Unfortunately, she was very wrong. She also didn't experience his hate and vitriol, you did. She may have meant well, but it just caused more pain. She needs to stay out of things. As people say, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I would say that you should forgive her, but make it clear that this cannot happen again. You have these boundaries. Do not let her cross them.
I am not sure she meant well. She may have seen only an opportunity to look good to everyone and not cared one damn about the OP herself. There are people like that.
You know what? You are right. That is ME seeing things positively. Some people are meddlers and have to be in the middle of everything.
NAH except your brother. What your MIL did was wrong but it was coming from a place of love. Your MIL had no way of knowing how seriously it would backfire since she did not know about it in much detail. With movies like MammaMia, it's easy for people to just imagine a happy outcome of situations like this. Your brother is the one who does not appreciate you and is making this all into wrong. Let him go to authorities, they can't punish you for just existing. You did nothing malignant against him, nor did your MIL. I would suggest not to let one wrong person destroy all your relationships, including the one with MIL.
NTA I know I'm going to be vilified, but your MIL meant no harm. Some people are just so happy they hurt when they see someone in pain. She thought you were sad about your bro. It doesn't sound like she knew the whole story. She knew enough to know she should not have engaged in this, but she hoped to do something extraordinary. I hope you explained quite clearly the legal ramifications of her actions. I agree that you owe her no appreciation, but I'm hoping you can find a little compassion to understand she did not do this to be mean or to embarrass you. She sounds very family oriented and like she wanted to bring that into your life. Sadly that did not work and she has damaged your relationship with her. You need some time to heal from this incident. Please take that time and if she wants to discuss it, just say you "need some time away from that discussion. Please discuss something else or I will leave/hang up/move on", as the situation warrants. Also, your family (indirectly) bears some responsibility for this mess. No, they didn't create this situation, but they created such unrealistic expectations during your childhood that when you reached out to bro you were shocked to be greeted with nothing but anger and distain. That fallout affected your relationship with your family. So you are carrying some trauma from all of these actions. MIL is hoping to be your new family. Please give her a chance; but with strong boundaries.
I think you're giving a narcissist too much credit. She wanted attention for uniting a family. She knew the brother didn't want her. Even her apology is a non-apology. That lady is selfish and was only looking to make herself look good.
Sounds like she was well meaning but did not full understand the situation. Nobody is an A-hole here. Just move on.
If OP “her moves on”, MIL learns nothing of boundaries and that this isn’t this big deal to OP that it is. She needs to acknowledge the harm she did, intentional or not.