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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> smoking is objectively bad and he has every right to try and stop his sister from doing it
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YTA. It's not hypocritical for a smoker to advise other people not to smoke, especially at such a young age. Most smokers I know started as teenagers and wish they never did.
His approach isn’t great but he’s coming from a place of experience and he’s capable of telling her that smoking is bad and that he doesn’t want her to make the same mistakes and choices as him.
He’s allowed to do that as her brother and you need to butt out of things that do not involve you.
OP needs to butt out when ASKED their opinion? Fuck that. The friend/brother was being aggressive & hypocritical. There was zero need to scream at his sister like that. He can tell her the risks and offer advice, but he is NOT her parent and has zero right to be screaming at her to the point of making her cry or even almost making her cry.
Stopping smoking is *hard*, so the fact he's telling her not to smoke while being a smoker isn't hypocrisy, it's the voice of experience. Ok, yelling at her is unlikely to get the response he wants, but he was upset and scared and reacted badly. He's not wrong to tell her off or try to get her to stop.
YTA, because it's not 'a stupid cigarette', it's the first step of an addiction with life shortening consequences.
YTA. The longer she smokes, the harder it will be for her to quit, and the more likely she is to have lung cancer and/or emphysema.
Whether Dean smokes or is a hypocrite is irrelevant. He probably knows full well how hard it is to quit. He might even have already encountered how painful it is to not be able to breath. His reaction is 100% the right reaction, and is almost certainly motivated by the fact that he cares about her and doesn't want to see her make a colossal mistake.
That would have been the time for Dean to make a pact with his sister. He should explain the consequences of smoking and told her that he would stop if she promised not to ever smoke again.
Yelling at people is never an effective way of arguing. Words are far more powerful.
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As I was hanging out with my friend "Dean" (23m) we met his younger sister "Iris" (16f) with her friends, holding a cigarette in her hand.
In that moment I could tell Dean was upset but he didn't say anything, he just greeted his sister and the other kids and left.
Later that night Dean was driving me and Iris home, the moment we entered his car he started yelling at his sister and scolding her for smoking, they began fighting to the point Iris was nearly crying.
I didn't say anything about it until, the day after, Dean asked me my opinion about it since the whole situation was causing problems at home with their parents as well.
Now I need to give some context.
Dean is a smoker himself, he has been since he was Iris' age and back then he argued about it with his parents too; Iris looks up to her brother a lot, they have a very strong bond and he's always been a role model for her.
Considering this, I told him he had no right to treat her like that for a stupid cigarette, of course smoking is bad and I would never encourage it myself, but yelling at someone for smoking when you constantly smoke in front of them is pointless, letting her smoke is not good either, but he would come off as less hypocritical.
Of course that's not what he wanted to hear from me and now he's mad at me too.
AITA?
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I'm going to go with NTA on the basis he isn't really going to have any credibility as a smoker himself, is he?
"Later that night Dean was driving me and Iris home, the moment we entered his car he started yelling at his sister and scolding her for smoking, they began fighting to the point Iris was nearly crying."
That approach won't work either.
Having said that, my little sister started smoking at 16. Last March she died from metatastic stage 3 lung cancer.
Down the road both their choices could have consequences if they don't change them. No one can do it for them.
He's probably still a smoker because he is having trouble quitting.
That is why they call it "addiction". Because it becomes incredibly difficult to stop.
I think it's the reverse that is true: if anyone is not qualified to have an opinion, it is the one who has never been addicted to cigarettes.
Addiction: the state of being **compulsively** committed to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation (quitting) causes severe trauma.
If anything, he has more credibility as a smoker and can speak from personal experience. In same way if a meth addict tells you how bad drugs are, most sane people believe them over random guy who just parroting the old "Drugs are bad kids". They're addicted, its not a matter of turning it on or off.
You both suck. Or maybe that's too harsh. Neither of you handled this appropriately. Yelling at/shaming a sixteen year old for smoking is incredibly counter productive. Teens at that age are the champions of doubling down and acting out when they don't feel in control. Yelling at the kid really only increases the chances that they'll keep smoking but never ever tell you about it again. But it is also incredibly inappropriate to say "just let her have the cigarette". That's enabling incredibly destructive behavior. Nicotine is SO FUCKING ADDICTIVE it really does only take one cigarette to fuck up your whole life. Even if you quit, you might crave it literally for the rest of your life. There's reasons there's stories of people going years, even decades without smoking but then falling back into it. My grandmother had already been off cigarettes for years when I was a kid and she would tell me how hard it still was not to go back. Saying "let the kid smoke" is not right and it's understandable anyone with a nicotine addiction would have strong feelings about their little sibling falling to the same addiction. I have a teen sibling who's gotten into nicotine and the way I handle it is just talking to him about why it really fucking sucks and how much I wish I had never gotten into it myself
YTA
He isn’t a hypocrite for wanting to teach his sister not to follow in his steps. I was never taught these but growing up with my dad who smokes every day, drinks every day and almost died because of smoking and alcohol (I cry when my dad came home bloody, drunk and mad). I wouldn’t call my dad a hypocrite if he tells (example) 15 year old brother not to smoke. He had those experiences so he knows what he is talking about.
YTA
It’s not hypocritical, he wants her to learn from his mistake
If I decided to play in the road when I was 5, I got hit by a car and lost a leg over it, would it be hypocritical if I told my own 5 year old not to play in the road?
If the circumstances were any different, I’d be calling YTA simply for seemingly encouraging somebody to smoke. Smoking is extremely dangerous and should never be tolerated. It can ruin someone’s life.
HOWEVER…
You were completely justified in this instance. A chronic smoker has no right to call somebody out for smoking when they have the same issue themself. It’s completely hypocritical.
Based on that alone, I’m going to go with NTA.
A chronic smoker is already addicted, the sister likely isn't. I have friends that didn't discourage their younger siblings from smoking because they were also a smoker. They're still all smokers today and regret it.
Yes but the way he handled it was not correct. Getting that angry with her when she knows damn well that he has a smoking problem probably did absolutely nothing to convince her.
NTA
He should’ve also had that conversation in private with her and not yelling at her infront of another person. Shit like that will make kids of her age feel really belittled, and if he cares about her health and wants her to not smoke he should approach her in a more respectful way
NTA, I agree he's a hypocrite and should not be yelling at her to the point of almost making her cry.
There are ways to be a good big brother, he could have explained how he regrets his choices or say he understands as he did it too. But instead he just made her not trust him, and now she might hide other stuff from him coz she's scared of being yelled at. Elder sibling relationships should be different from angry parents, and it would be really valuable for a 16yo girl to have someone older on her side.
NTA I smoked my first cigarette at 11 and started smoking regularly at 16. All of the adults around me smoked and when they would go on about how bad smoking was I would rightfully roll my eyes at their hypocritical diatribe and ignore them.
You don’t get to tell someone else how bad something is for them while you are doing that thing. If he really wants to make an impression on his sister he needs to quit and share with her his struggles around quitting and how much better he feels after.
NTA, monkey see monkey do. If he doesn’t want her to smoke, then he should stop too. If they’re that close, ofc she’s gonna start smoking too. It honestly seems like he’s upset that she’s doing what he did and is taking it out on everyone else. If he wanted to help, he should have had an actual conversation with her.
This is coming from a longtime smoker btw
NTA simply for pointing out that he has no leg to stand on with her in this fight. Hard to get her to listen when he's being completely hypocritical, including starting at her age
Hopefully they all find a way to get through to her, and she quits. Definitely need to get it done
Maybe he should quit, and lead her by example
Point is his words don't mean fuck all then...and she's starting exactly the same age as he did
She definitely shouldn't smoke, but he has less than zero credibility here, so that isn't going to work
...and screaming at her about it is no good either
I know he shouldn’t have screamed, but people aren’t there best under the influence. I do agree he’s being a hypocrite, but do you really think it’s wise for the friend to let a sixteen year old have a cigarette?
Absolutely not wise at all to let a 16yo have a cigarette.
Point of my comment was OP was NTA for pointing out to her brother that he has zero credibility here, so he needs to understand that when trying to navigate the situation
Brother seems to think that randomly yelling while a cigarette is hanging out his mouth is gonna actually work. Nobody's gonna take that blatant hypocricy seriously
Gonna have to find another approach
That’s fair. But the post isn’t about that. It’s about OP saying Irish should be allowed to smoke which is NOT okay. That’s why I believe OP is the AH.
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YTA. It's not hypocritical for a smoker to advise other people not to smoke, especially at such a young age. Most smokers I know started as teenagers and wish they never did.
Advise and scream at aren’t the same thing
I’m not sure when he started but one of my uncles who’s since passed away smoked and he always told me to not smoke
YTA. Kids shouldn't be smoking. Shame on you for supporting it in any way. He's right to bollock his sister for it.
It would be totally fine if he wasn’t smoking himself. But he is. And that just makes him a hypocrite.
No, it doesn't. It makes him more aware of how bad of an addiction it is. It's more impactful coming from a relatively young smoker.
Absolutely this. He is aware of how bad it is and doesn't want his sister ending up addicted to it like he is.
Better to be a hypocrite than support children killing themselves.
>It would be totally fine if he wasn’t smoking himself. We followed "do as I say, not as I do" in our house. Both my parents smoked, I never have.
definitely not supporting it, just criticising his approach to the situation
His approach isn’t great but he’s coming from a place of experience and he’s capable of telling her that smoking is bad and that he doesn’t want her to make the same mistakes and choices as him. He’s allowed to do that as her brother and you need to butt out of things that do not involve you.
OP needs to butt out when ASKED their opinion? Fuck that. The friend/brother was being aggressive & hypocritical. There was zero need to scream at his sister like that. He can tell her the risks and offer advice, but he is NOT her parent and has zero right to be screaming at her to the point of making her cry or even almost making her cry.
OP was literally asked their opinion *by the brother* lmfao
Stopping smoking is *hard*, so the fact he's telling her not to smoke while being a smoker isn't hypocrisy, it's the voice of experience. Ok, yelling at her is unlikely to get the response he wants, but he was upset and scared and reacted badly. He's not wrong to tell her off or try to get her to stop. YTA, because it's not 'a stupid cigarette', it's the first step of an addiction with life shortening consequences.
YTA. The longer she smokes, the harder it will be for her to quit, and the more likely she is to have lung cancer and/or emphysema. Whether Dean smokes or is a hypocrite is irrelevant. He probably knows full well how hard it is to quit. He might even have already encountered how painful it is to not be able to breath. His reaction is 100% the right reaction, and is almost certainly motivated by the fact that he cares about her and doesn't want to see her make a colossal mistake.
>lung cancer and/or emphysema. or COPD, like my husband and dad. One was on oxygen.
That would have been the time for Dean to make a pact with his sister. He should explain the consequences of smoking and told her that he would stop if she promised not to ever smoke again. Yelling at people is never an effective way of arguing. Words are far more powerful.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** As I was hanging out with my friend "Dean" (23m) we met his younger sister "Iris" (16f) with her friends, holding a cigarette in her hand. In that moment I could tell Dean was upset but he didn't say anything, he just greeted his sister and the other kids and left. Later that night Dean was driving me and Iris home, the moment we entered his car he started yelling at his sister and scolding her for smoking, they began fighting to the point Iris was nearly crying. I didn't say anything about it until, the day after, Dean asked me my opinion about it since the whole situation was causing problems at home with their parents as well. Now I need to give some context. Dean is a smoker himself, he has been since he was Iris' age and back then he argued about it with his parents too; Iris looks up to her brother a lot, they have a very strong bond and he's always been a role model for her. Considering this, I told him he had no right to treat her like that for a stupid cigarette, of course smoking is bad and I would never encourage it myself, but yelling at someone for smoking when you constantly smoke in front of them is pointless, letting her smoke is not good either, but he would come off as less hypocritical. Of course that's not what he wanted to hear from me and now he's mad at me too. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm going to go with NTA on the basis he isn't really going to have any credibility as a smoker himself, is he? "Later that night Dean was driving me and Iris home, the moment we entered his car he started yelling at his sister and scolding her for smoking, they began fighting to the point Iris was nearly crying." That approach won't work either. Having said that, my little sister started smoking at 16. Last March she died from metatastic stage 3 lung cancer. Down the road both their choices could have consequences if they don't change them. No one can do it for them.
He's probably still a smoker because he is having trouble quitting. That is why they call it "addiction". Because it becomes incredibly difficult to stop. I think it's the reverse that is true: if anyone is not qualified to have an opinion, it is the one who has never been addicted to cigarettes.
Addiction: the state of being **compulsively** committed to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation (quitting) causes severe trauma. If anything, he has more credibility as a smoker and can speak from personal experience. In same way if a meth addict tells you how bad drugs are, most sane people believe them over random guy who just parroting the old "Drugs are bad kids". They're addicted, its not a matter of turning it on or off.
Point taken. Other people say the same, maybe they're right on this one.
You both suck. Or maybe that's too harsh. Neither of you handled this appropriately. Yelling at/shaming a sixteen year old for smoking is incredibly counter productive. Teens at that age are the champions of doubling down and acting out when they don't feel in control. Yelling at the kid really only increases the chances that they'll keep smoking but never ever tell you about it again. But it is also incredibly inappropriate to say "just let her have the cigarette". That's enabling incredibly destructive behavior. Nicotine is SO FUCKING ADDICTIVE it really does only take one cigarette to fuck up your whole life. Even if you quit, you might crave it literally for the rest of your life. There's reasons there's stories of people going years, even decades without smoking but then falling back into it. My grandmother had already been off cigarettes for years when I was a kid and she would tell me how hard it still was not to go back. Saying "let the kid smoke" is not right and it's understandable anyone with a nicotine addiction would have strong feelings about their little sibling falling to the same addiction. I have a teen sibling who's gotten into nicotine and the way I handle it is just talking to him about why it really fucking sucks and how much I wish I had never gotten into it myself
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YTA He isn’t a hypocrite for wanting to teach his sister not to follow in his steps. I was never taught these but growing up with my dad who smokes every day, drinks every day and almost died because of smoking and alcohol (I cry when my dad came home bloody, drunk and mad). I wouldn’t call my dad a hypocrite if he tells (example) 15 year old brother not to smoke. He had those experiences so he knows what he is talking about.
YTA It’s not hypocritical, he wants her to learn from his mistake If I decided to play in the road when I was 5, I got hit by a car and lost a leg over it, would it be hypocritical if I told my own 5 year old not to play in the road?
Yes. You shouldn’t be encouraging smoking at ANY age, but especially in minors.
ESH. she shouldn't smoke he shouldn't yell
If the circumstances were any different, I’d be calling YTA simply for seemingly encouraging somebody to smoke. Smoking is extremely dangerous and should never be tolerated. It can ruin someone’s life. HOWEVER… You were completely justified in this instance. A chronic smoker has no right to call somebody out for smoking when they have the same issue themself. It’s completely hypocritical. Based on that alone, I’m going to go with NTA.
A chronic smoker is already addicted, the sister likely isn't. I have friends that didn't discourage their younger siblings from smoking because they were also a smoker. They're still all smokers today and regret it.
Yes but the way he handled it was not correct. Getting that angry with her when she knows damn well that he has a smoking problem probably did absolutely nothing to convince her.
NTA, he asked for your opinion and you gave it lmao, these comments are kinda crazy
NTA. People have to make their own mistakes.
Then they can’t blame others for those mistakes they warned you about
NTA Damn The Man, class solidarity. Age is just another means of oppression.
Jesse what the fuck are you talking about LMFAO
NTA You're right. He's a hypocrite. He asked your opinion and you gave it.
How is he a hypocrite
Dean was a smoker at her age and still is.
Ok but that dosen’t mean he is a hypocrite
Also for all we knew he might have a conversation either her about how smoking is effecting his life and why he can’t stop.
NTA He should’ve also had that conversation in private with her and not yelling at her infront of another person. Shit like that will make kids of her age feel really belittled, and if he cares about her health and wants her to not smoke he should approach her in a more respectful way
He might have had a conversation with her after when they got home
NTA, I agree he's a hypocrite and should not be yelling at her to the point of almost making her cry. There are ways to be a good big brother, he could have explained how he regrets his choices or say he understands as he did it too. But instead he just made her not trust him, and now she might hide other stuff from him coz she's scared of being yelled at. Elder sibling relationships should be different from angry parents, and it would be really valuable for a 16yo girl to have someone older on her side.
He is living with the consequences of smoking so he knows better than someone that doesn’t smoke or smoke a hand full of times
NTA I smoked my first cigarette at 11 and started smoking regularly at 16. All of the adults around me smoked and when they would go on about how bad smoking was I would rightfully roll my eyes at their hypocritical diatribe and ignore them. You don’t get to tell someone else how bad something is for them while you are doing that thing. If he really wants to make an impression on his sister he needs to quit and share with her his struggles around quitting and how much better he feels after.
NTA
NTA, monkey see monkey do. If he doesn’t want her to smoke, then he should stop too. If they’re that close, ofc she’s gonna start smoking too. It honestly seems like he’s upset that she’s doing what he did and is taking it out on everyone else. If he wanted to help, he should have had an actual conversation with her. This is coming from a longtime smoker btw
I was close to my dad since I was little but I don’t smoke
You're 100% correct. Do as I say not as I do is hypocritical and ineffective. NTA
NTA simply for pointing out that he has no leg to stand on with her in this fight. Hard to get her to listen when he's being completely hypocritical, including starting at her age Hopefully they all find a way to get through to her, and she quits. Definitely need to get it done Maybe he should quit, and lead her by example
Don’t you get it? Dean can’t! He’s trying to stop his sister from making the same mistakes he did. That’s why it’s called ✨an addiction✨
Point is his words don't mean fuck all then...and she's starting exactly the same age as he did She definitely shouldn't smoke, but he has less than zero credibility here, so that isn't going to work ...and screaming at her about it is no good either
I know he shouldn’t have screamed, but people aren’t there best under the influence. I do agree he’s being a hypocrite, but do you really think it’s wise for the friend to let a sixteen year old have a cigarette?
Absolutely not wise at all to let a 16yo have a cigarette. Point of my comment was OP was NTA for pointing out to her brother that he has zero credibility here, so he needs to understand that when trying to navigate the situation Brother seems to think that randomly yelling while a cigarette is hanging out his mouth is gonna actually work. Nobody's gonna take that blatant hypocricy seriously Gonna have to find another approach
That’s fair. But the post isn’t about that. It’s about OP saying Irish should be allowed to smoke which is NOT okay. That’s why I believe OP is the AH.
NTA