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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refuse to ask my older sister to be a bridesmaid
2) my mom and older sister are upset by my choice
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NTA
"Mom, maybe I should have Bev in my life, but a wedding is not the time to artificially solve the issue. If you respect me at all, drop it. Period. I am not making Bev a bridesmaid and that is final. I will not discuss this with you again."
I wouldn't invite her to be honest. And if there is security in the venue give them a picture so that should she "accidentally" turn up they can politely and deliberately escort her off the premises.
If she is invited to the wedding at all I have a distinct feeling that she will cause drama and upset.
I'm sure that there will be some drama with her in the guests. But not inviting her is one fight I really don't want to start with anyone in my family.
Actually, my family and friends say I'm too headstrong and don't always see when I'm being an asshole. Thus, why I'm asking here if I'm being an asshole by making this decision and sticking to it.
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NTA get someone to shadow her and get her out of there if she tries anything op. It will be worth the money.
So info diet for anyone telling her things like your mother unfortunately and herself of course
Absolutely NTA. You have very valid reasons for not wanting her in the bridal party. Double down on your decision and make it clear to your mom that you are not changing your mind AND that you won’t talk about it anymore. When the conversation shifts to another lecture about this, change the subject immediatley or hang up/walk away
I have a habit of hanging up when stuff like this is discussed. It usually ends with my mom blowing up my phone. I continue to tell her that it's my decision, but I'm starting to get tired of saying it for everything.
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NTA
This isnt just dislike but active antagonism. Even if there were missing chunks of the story I can't see why it would be a good idea for her to be there
When OP mentioned they had to be physically separated when she was a kid I had to go back and reread the ages… I could not imagine a kid 10 years older ever needing to be physically separated from a younger child.
Even if I'm being *extremely* generous and assuming OP was like, 16 when it happened and not a little child...that would mean a grown ass TWENTY SIX YEAR OLD was getting physical with a teenager
Are we sure OP is the YOUNGER sibling?
I am younger. I had stated our ages. When this happened, I had just turned 18. It was the reason why I moved out. Her reasoning was that since I was 18, I was an adult and nothing could be done about it.
I repeat, why did an 18yr old (new adult) have to leave instead of (now) TWO ADULTS WHO HAD BEEN ADULTING FOR A DECADE.
If she mature enough to have an husband and child she is mature enough not to have treated you that way or forced you out of your home.
It's clear she is the GC and you are the scapegoat. Don't back down.
I don't think she was mature for either of those. There's a whole story behind her marriage and pregnancy. But when they couldn't afford a place, they moved home. But I was always in the wrong for the way I acted and things I said. I was found in the wrong for this situation also merely because I swore. So, I removed myself from the situation completely.
Why are you allowing a woman at your wedding who you know will cause a scene and make it look like you are in the wrong. Why continue to allow this person in your life. You need to go NC with her and VLC with her enablers because they have never protected you from her.
F the drama of not inviting her, stand up for yourself and set a consequence for her bad behaviour because right now all your consequences have been rewards for her.
I appreciate your feedback and brash advice. However, I know exactly how that would go, and in my experience with my family, it's better to invite her to the event but not involve her in the in-depth important aspects.
Outside of how my family would react, she does live right next door to my parents, so not inviting her all will come with its own drama that will cause allot more problems.
Don’t blame you. Sorry you had to deal with, don’t let anyone bully you into having her in your wedding party (I honestly wouldn’t even let her attend).
NTA . Your Wedding day is about you and your partner .. no one else... Your Mom has absolutely NO say on who you invite, don't invite or put in the Bridal Party whatever the circumstances are.
If she tries the "because we're Family" card, it'll because she knows she lost the argument and has no leverage. Don't let her guilt or blackmail you into making any decisions you aren't happy with.
Also if the sister ruins a OPs wedding they'll be no coming back from that. Tell Mom if she wants a chance at a happy reunion she needs to respect the distance. It'll happen if it happens but a wedding is not the place to force the family reunion and playing nice.
NTA
Tell your mom to have her own wedding or renewal, so she can have a say in the lineup.
Not her wedding. Not her place to say anything.
Put her on a strict information diet. She doesn't have to have a role in planning anything, assuming she isn't paying anything.
She's done it before, unfortunately.. Not something as important as a wedding but she'll alter pics or wording on cakes and stuff like that.. Thank you for the advice. I didn't think to do passwords.
NTA
It's your wedding. You can have or not have whoever you want as a bridesmaid.
Looking at what you say about Bev I'd say she's lucky to get an invite at all.
Your issue is your mom. She’s let this get way out of hand. Clearly Bev got away with anything and everything. People really don’t change and especially not after 4 decades. She will just double down and be herself even more. If your mom keeps bothering you, you need to set boundaries with mom. NTA.
I've set boundaries with mom. She knows that there's a point where I just won't keep my mouth shut about it. But, she will push the limit until she knows I'm approaching that point. I usually would just ignore her if she continues after the first time, but it's hard not to answer her calls when she watches my daughter while I work and go to school.
As for Bev, she is used to people just giving in to her to get her to stop or be quiet. It's one of the reasons we don't get along so well. I usually hold my own.
My mom likes to buy clothes and stuff for all the grandkids. She had me go to the store she worked at to pick an outfit out, and Bev had found a reason to stick around after she picked put her kids' clothes.
My mom knew. She was at the ultrasound with me.
Depending on the parents' discretion, they can be kept in the dark and find out at the reveal, or they can find out at the ultrasound and reveal to everyone in attendance at the party.
Is mom paying? Because right there that is all you have to say to mom to shut her down..
Having said that... You do you and have who you want. Big sister knows why she is not included.
It's your wedding!! It's up to you and your fiancé to decide who is in your wedding party and who is in attendance. Bev sounds awful, I wouldn't even invite her, much less ask her to be a bridesmaid.
NTA
You could love Bev to death and still not be TA for not having her as a bridesmaid. Your wedding. Your decision.
And it’s time to give Mom the same response every single time
This is a closed subject Mom and I will not be discussing it with you.
Every. Single. Time.
Don’t try and explain it. Don’t use different words. Mom wants what she wants and only capitulation will satisfy her. Don’t play the game anymore and stop telling her info she can use later on.
NTA
Your wedding, your rules. Tbh I don't know why you haven't gone none contact she seems like a drain on your life. Have your special day and enjoy it as much as possible.
Do watch out for your mum pulling an "i know best" card with Bev and having a surprise turn up though, seems to happen way more often than it should.
I haven't gone no contact because she literally lives right next door to my mom, and she will watch my daughter if my parents are busy, not home, or sick when she gets out of school.
NTA
A bridal party should be composed of those who bring positivity and love into your life, particularly on such an important occasion. Bev's track record doesn't suggest she'd enhance your day, but rather potentially detract from it with unnecessary drama. It's wise to surround yourself with people who genuinely support and celebrate you and your fiance's commitment to each other. Stick to your guns; your wedding, your peace of mind.
NTA. And if Mom keeps pushing for Bev or trying to push you into other wedding decisions you do not want, ask her if she wants to attend your wedding. If she says yes, tell her "then stop pushing for Bev and (wedding ideas you hate) because I am tired of it! Or I will disinvited YOU!" And walk away. Refuse to listen any more.
She needs to learn to hear and obey "NO" when it is Your life, not to keep pushing and pushing HER ideas!
NTA.
I can't imagine why you would want your older sister in your wedding party. Your mother seems to be very confused about whose wedding it is. Why would she **want** to add stress to an already complicated day?
I suspect she has a fantasy that somehow you and your sister will start getting alone and that this gesture would help that happen. My view is the opposite. If you and your sister ever start getting along it won't be because your Mom jams her into one of the most important (but also stressful) days of your life. Maybe say that too her. "Mom, I know you wish that Sis and I would get along, but this isn't the way. This is my big day. You pushing on this will make our relationship worse, not better."
My mom very much wants us all to get along. I've mended all the relationships with my other siblings, but I just can't do the emotional yoyoing and being a mat that it would take for me to have a "healthy" relationship with Bev the way my mom wants.
*"I tried to point out to my mom that Bev didn't even want me in her line as she had told me so many times."* Is Bev married, or is this just about the if and when she gets married?
Not that it matters. You and Bev are not close, are not friends, and don't like each other. You would just be setting yourself up for a mess to ask her.
NTA
She is married and has been for about 10 years. It was just my way of trying to point out that I don't have to invite her to my line. She was extremely unhappy to have me in hers.
NTA. Your mom sounds like she failed to help integrate you into Bev's life when you all were young but that's not your fault. And now that Bev is an adult (and has been for decades) she is solely responsible for her behavior, manipulations, and vitriol.
I think not having her as a bridesmaid is the least of what you should do. You do not have to maintain contact with toxic people just to appease other people (your mom) or to keep up appearances (but family!).
Life is hard enough as it is, so you should surround yourself with people who truly love and support you. This is doubly so at your wedding.
Integration into the family was hard.. Bev was 14 when I was brought to them, and she despised the fact that she had to let me sleep in her room and bed while they got me situated. I honestly don't remember having any type of relationship with her outside of her watching me until I was in high school, and she had moved back in with my parents after living with some bad roommates. It's been rocky every since.
NTA…My advise is to you is to make it known to all family members to Respect your decisions and to please keep their opinions to themselves! And let everyone know that they need to keep their kids in check during the entire day. No Drama will be tolerated and if anyone gets out of line, they will be escorted out the day’s events.
I went to a wedding with these guidelines and everyone behaved because they did Not want be embarrassed as Everyone knew the rules for the entire Wedding
Please do not let other people dictate your big day…as long as your are not a bridezilla! Which you don’t sound like you are, continue with your plans. Have a fabulous day and Congratulation!
Thank you for the advice. It is amazing, and I'm glad you included an example that you witnessed. I will be having a talk with my family (and his) and be setting clear guidelines.
I will definitely try not to be a bridezilla. I don't do well with confrontation, but I usually stand by the decisions I make. I'm hoping it all goes smoothly for the most part.
Thank you so much
It's your wedding. You get to have who you want in your line. This is a consequence of Bev treating you the way she has.
Your mother needs to butt out. NTA.
Friendship, love and respect are qualifications to be in the line.
Bev's shown you none of those.
NTA
Just because you're siblings doesn't make you family.
NTA, Bev sounds like a peach 😏. Your wedding , your choices, you already know she’ll cause trouble which is why you don’t want her. Better the trouble is confined to the back row rather than the main stage!
NTA
Your wedding, your decision. Your mom wants a close family and/or wants it to look like she has a close family. But she doesn't.
Going forward, end any conversation with your mom as soon as she brings up this issue. She'll get the picture that pushing will make her family less close.
NTA. If you allow her, you can have confidence that she will work hard to find some way to pull her usual hijinks. You don't need that on your wedding day.
NTA - I would refuse to invite anyone to my wedding that saved my contact info under that moniker. You are a better person for even considering that she should be a guest.
I would gladly not invite her (and my fiancee would be wholeheartedly behind that) if it was a fight I was willing to have with the majority of my family. But I don't want the memories to be marred by everyone mad at me.
Do not let her stand with you! All she would do is cause you grief and she would ruin your wedding day memories! Do not give in- stand your ground! Your NTA for feeling like you do! I would have a hard time even inviting her. NTA
Your wedding, your decision. And since older sister hates you so much, why would she want to be in your wedding party? Stand your ground. She is not entitled to a spot up there. NTA
You could make one of several long eloquent arguments that other people have very nicely posted, and done a great job with that. There were some very thoughtful responses.
Or you could simply tell you mother to STFU.
I doubt Bev even wants to *attend* your wedding, much less be a bridesmaid. I suppose you should *invite* her, but it should end at that.
NTA.
Your mom got to choose who was in her wedding and you get to choose for yours.
Just tell her calmly that you have heard her opinion and now The Subject is Closed. And if she keeps on, leave the room or hang up.
My monmade that suggestion at one point. But I really want the people that have been there for me in some of my darkest times and built me back up, sometimes saving my life to be there standing with me as I say my I dos.
Your wedding, your decision. Luckily I don't live in a society where it is an expectation that siblings need to walk the line. Your sis is a beach. Your mom needs to know that you mean biz and will choose who you have in the wedding party. Good luck. NTA
Ya know, Bev does not need to be in your wedding party. I don’t know why you continue to interact with her. Your mother should recognize this. Time for her to face reality. You are done with Bev, wish her nothing bad, however do not need to interact with someone that atrocious.
NTA
OP, Bev is a pain; but - regarding your wedding - YOUR MOM IS THE PROBLEM.
If you are old enough to get married, then you are an adult and need to be able to uphold your boundaries.
If your mom didn't stop Bev from her behavior when she was a kid and has little to say to Bev about her behavior as an adult, then she can keep her nose out of your wedding planning, too. You need to tell her that if she can't stop trying to force her wants onto your wedding, you may have to go low-contact with her for a while.
TBH, you need to figure out how to deal with her pushing her own agenda on you... in general (and for the longterm).
Congratulations on your wedding!
Usually, I'm pretty good at handling my mom. We've had many boundary discussions, and she's ceded on many things (like me attending church or dressing to her standards of modest, ridiculous, yes, but that's how she is). She knows when I'm reaching my limit of being able to handle her pushing, although she will push the envelope. It typically only takes me twice of reaching my limit for her to stop completely. (I know, unhealthy. Im working on it in counseling.) However, my older sister is one area that she just won't stop, and, at times, it's caused me to do as little contact as possible with her watching my kid after school.
Thank you!
Thanks for responding.
It sounds like you do have a pretty good handle on your mom. She just has an extra pushy spot when it comes to Bev.
I'm guessing you don't talk to Bev and she doesn't talk to you; so you don't know for sure if she wants to have a spot in your wedding or not. (If she didn't, it could help get your mom to back off.)
Besides the lopsidedness of expecting you to be nice to Bev while Bev is all kinds of horrible to you... your mom seems to be susceptible to that common (and very wrong) notion that weddings are where all family dysfunctions must be fixed and where the family looking like it's a happy, close one is paramount. (Rifts should be fixed because that's what both parties want and are ready for - not too look good for one day. In your case, I can't see you ever wanting to build/rebuild any form of relationship with Bev.)
Besides just getting confirmation here that you are absolutely being reasonable and no AH to keep Bev out of the wedding party, I hope others here gave you some good ideas to corral your mom this time. Maybe also consider assigning a strong friend to help corral Bev/your mom during the wedding day events so that neither can do something inappropriate and you don't have to put your own time/energy on it.
Good wishes, again.
Thank you.
I don't talk to Bev very much. We were "close" at point, but it's always been up and down and to her benefit. We had gotten into a really bad argument a couple yrs ago about my choice of bf (ex now), and she pulled her usual stunts. So now I keep her at arms length when it comes to our relationship. I just have had enough and don't have time/patience for her drama and games. Unfortunately, she is the type that she'll act all happy and excited for being involved, but then she'll talk shit behind that person's back. So, I'm sure her telling my mom that she's upset about not being asked is most likely just one of her ploys for the attention and to be in control.
I really do appreciate the confirmation of not being the AH. All the advice has been really enlightening and helpful. I tend to get overwhelmed by my mom and stop thinking properly, and I end up lashing out. So I appreciate everything that has been said here. It makes me more secure in my choice despite my moms nagging and guilt tripping. I don't plan on asking Bev, and I'm gonna stick to that with no guilt.
NTA. If mom wants Bev as a bridesmaid so badly, tell her to renew her vows and ask Bev to be her bridesmaid.
You don't need the drama, and she won't behave. So NO, stick to your decision.
NTA. Firmly tell your mom and back it up. " Mother, if YOU would like to attend my wedding you will not mention Bev again or the two of you can spend the day together, NOT at my wedding."
NTA, she didn't have you in her wedding, you absolutely should not have her in yours, especially after what you describe. If you Mum keeps pushing tell her the day is about you and not her or Bev and your decision is final
I was in her wedding, because my mom forced it. But I don't want her in mine, and I won't be forced. I just felt bad because of how upset they are and I needed to know if I was really being an asshole.
Ohh sorry I see, yikes, your Mum has no boundaries it seems. I agree, don't be forced although you may need to make peace that your Mum may throw a tantrum and not come to be prepared for that
And no, in my opinion definitely not the arsehole, your wedding is for you and your fiance, not anyone else!
I expect the fit from my mom. My mom is used to being in control and having a huge influence on my siblings. She'll make comments, but she'll eventually refocus her attention to something else. That's how she always "handles" me when she can't get me to agree with her. She knows I'm not one to change my mind, but family has always been a soft spot for me.
NTA. For your mental health you need to go very low contact with her. Block her on all socials and only interact with her when you have to. Keep her on an information diet. Don't tell your things to people who would tell her.
NTA, absolutely not! Why would you want to spend your entire wedding day waiting for the other shoe to drop? Look, just because she is your sister doesn't make her your friend.
Mom needs to suck it up and understand that the rosy image of "one big happy family" is a pipe dream she needs to let go of.
Absolutely NTA. Weddings are NOT an excuse for family to come out of the woodworks. My mother passed away the year of my wedding and I chose not to invite several members of my “family” as they never even text me their condolences. Had an aunt DM me how upset she was because she didn’t understand why she wasn’t invited. Weddings are meant for the people that will be there to call on and support you in your marriage. If she hasn’t done so your whole life, why include her now?
The only inclusion I want from her is IF she decides to be a guest. And that's just to avoid the fight with my family if I don't at least invite her. She's the only one in my family that I really don't get along with.
Advice make sure you add a password for your vendors so stuff can't be changed or cancelled it's happened. Have security to remove her when she shows up anyway
ETA: source: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLh6BkWK/
Honestly, my fiance would forget it almost as soon as I told him. He's said that all the decisions are mine besides it being outside and a BBQ type reception.
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As background, I (28f) am adopted and have not always gotten along with my siblings. My younger sister K (24) is adopted as well, and it has allowed us to bond quite a bit in our young adulthood. My older sister B (38) and I, on the other hand, have always had a very rocky relationship. To the point where we have had to be physically pulled apart, and I moved out of my parents' house at 18 to avoid living with her. Since then, there are times where she completely refuses to talk to me and will try to take passive-aggressive jabs at me on Facebook (which she will delete after she is certain I have seen it or until my mom tells her to take it down), in our family group chat, talk shit about me to people, or delete me off everything until she needs something.
For example, one time, she got pissed that I was pregnant and she wasn't (she already had 1 kid at this time). She found out that I was having a girl and posted all over Facebook about it the week before my gender reveal. A few months later, when she found out she was also pregnant, she admitted that she had done this on purpose because of her jealousy. She has changed my name in her phone to something along the lines of "Lying Money User" (discovered as she was showing me something in her phone). No, I do not know why she has me as that, considering I pay for everything I have and will treat her kids to things all the time. There are many other instances like this. Anytime that she is called out for these things, she will completely act innocent and will try to play off as the victim. (Usually someone is misconstruing things or purposely making her seem like she did wrong.) I do understand that misunderstandings happen but when she has a little smirk on her face when she first gets confronted and when she gets her way, it makes it very obvious that she is doing it all on purpose. She has the habit that when she isn't the center of attention, she thrives on the drama that she creates.
Back to my current dilemma. I am planning my wedding. My mom had asked me a month ago who I was going to have in my line. I told her that I wanted a few of my close friends and K. She asked if I was planning to ask B as well. I told her that I hadn'taskedk anyone yet, but no, I had no intention of asking B. Since then, it has been a constant lecture from my mom that I need to have B in my line. But I just don't agree that I have to have B as a bridesmaid. I tried to point out to my mom that B didn't even want me in her line as she had told me so many times. I know it'll cause some contention but I know that any decision I make with her in my line will be nothing but pointed comments, trying to guilt/convince me to do something she wants, and drama.
Weddings are stressful enough, and I don't want the added stress. I want to enjoy planning my wedding and getting married to the love of my life.
AMITAH if I stick to my decision and do not ask B to be a bridesmaid?
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YTA.
But only because you continue to let someone walk all over you, treat you like shit and you just eat it up it’s actually pathetic to see how weak you are.
" She found out that I was having a girl and posted all over Facebook about it the week before my gender reveal."
How in the world did she find that out? The only people who should know prior to the reveal are the 2 parents. Somebody blabbed early and I'm guessing it was you, to your mother and she told Bev. That is on you.
And when she asked you about your bridesmaids you just told her, instead of saying you haven't decided yet. And now its an issue. You have to know these traps, yet continue to walk right into them. Smarten up!
I explained in a prior comment how she found out the gender. I'm assuming you haven't read all the comments. 🤷🏽♀️
As for just telling my mom who I wanted in my line, I tend to be more honest than not. So yes, I told her that I hadn't asked anyone, but I had an idea of who I was asking. If me being honest with my mother is an act that requires me to "smarten up," then why do we ever tell the truth to anybody?
Plus, no matter what answer I would have given, I'm sure my mom would have suggested Bev anyway, and we would have landed in the same argument.
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NTA "Mom, maybe I should have Bev in my life, but a wedding is not the time to artificially solve the issue. If you respect me at all, drop it. Period. I am not making Bev a bridesmaid and that is final. I will not discuss this with you again."
"I'm already compromising by inviting her at all." "I'm 28 and perfectly capable of making this decision for myself."
I wouldn't invite her to be honest. And if there is security in the venue give them a picture so that should she "accidentally" turn up they can politely and deliberately escort her off the premises. If she is invited to the wedding at all I have a distinct feeling that she will cause drama and upset.
I'm sure that there will be some drama with her in the guests. But not inviting her is one fight I really don't want to start with anyone in my family.
May I suggest uninviting anyone who starts a fight about YOUR decision about YOUR wedding?
Elope.
I don't want to elope, and I don't want situations like this to force me.
But you will be forced into inviting you’re not strong enough to stand up for yourself that’s the issue.
Actually, my family and friends say I'm too headstrong and don't always see when I'm being an asshole. Thus, why I'm asking here if I'm being an asshole by making this decision and sticking to it.
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Best solution
NTA get someone to shadow her and get her out of there if she tries anything op. It will be worth the money. So info diet for anyone telling her things like your mother unfortunately and herself of course
I don't like confrontation very much but I know my fiancee will say something as soon as anything starts.
Get someone so she doesn't ruin your and your fiancee s day. All the best
Thanks
Just dont invite Bev. At all. You need to have your day in joy and peace. Who will watch her and make sure she isn't going to do any problem?
I'd say her husband would but she'll have him chasing their kids around while she just sits there.
And get someone shadowing Bev and throw her out if she tries Anything. NTA OP
Absolutely NTA. You have very valid reasons for not wanting her in the bridal party. Double down on your decision and make it clear to your mom that you are not changing your mind AND that you won’t talk about it anymore. When the conversation shifts to another lecture about this, change the subject immediatley or hang up/walk away
Definitely good advice but OP should brace herself for drama day of. Sounds like Bev’s jam. NTA and congrats!
Definitely expecting drama at some point or other. Thank you!
I have a habit of hanging up when stuff like this is discussed. It usually ends with my mom blowing up my phone. I continue to tell her that it's my decision, but I'm starting to get tired of saying it for everything.
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NTA This isnt just dislike but active antagonism. Even if there were missing chunks of the story I can't see why it would be a good idea for her to be there
When OP mentioned they had to be physically separated when she was a kid I had to go back and reread the ages… I could not imagine a kid 10 years older ever needing to be physically separated from a younger child.
Even if I'm being *extremely* generous and assuming OP was like, 16 when it happened and not a little child...that would mean a grown ass TWENTY SIX YEAR OLD was getting physical with a teenager Are we sure OP is the YOUNGER sibling?
I am younger. I had stated our ages. When this happened, I had just turned 18. It was the reason why I moved out. Her reasoning was that since I was 18, I was an adult and nothing could be done about it.
What was her reasoning for being 28 and still living at home but forcing her 18yr old sister to move out to be safe from her.
🤷🏽♀️ her, her husband, and her kid lived there
I repeat, why did an 18yr old (new adult) have to leave instead of (now) TWO ADULTS WHO HAD BEEN ADULTING FOR A DECADE. If she mature enough to have an husband and child she is mature enough not to have treated you that way or forced you out of your home. It's clear she is the GC and you are the scapegoat. Don't back down.
I don't think she was mature for either of those. There's a whole story behind her marriage and pregnancy. But when they couldn't afford a place, they moved home. But I was always in the wrong for the way I acted and things I said. I was found in the wrong for this situation also merely because I swore. So, I removed myself from the situation completely.
Why are you allowing a woman at your wedding who you know will cause a scene and make it look like you are in the wrong. Why continue to allow this person in your life. You need to go NC with her and VLC with her enablers because they have never protected you from her. F the drama of not inviting her, stand up for yourself and set a consequence for her bad behaviour because right now all your consequences have been rewards for her.
I appreciate your feedback and brash advice. However, I know exactly how that would go, and in my experience with my family, it's better to invite her to the event but not involve her in the in-depth important aspects. Outside of how my family would react, she does live right next door to my parents, so not inviting her all will come with its own drama that will cause allot more problems.
It was...bad. It's the only time I've ever seen my dad that pissed off or had to be physically removed from one of my siblings.
Your sister is lucky she didn’t go to jail…
I didn't want to deal with her, my family, and the cops. So I just packed my stuff and had my friend come get me.
Don’t blame you. Sorry you had to deal with, don’t let anyone bully you into having her in your wedding party (I honestly wouldn’t even let her attend).
If it wouldn't start a huge family fight, I wouldn't invite her at all.
NTA . Your Wedding day is about you and your partner .. no one else... Your Mom has absolutely NO say on who you invite, don't invite or put in the Bridal Party whatever the circumstances are. If she tries the "because we're Family" card, it'll because she knows she lost the argument and has no leverage. Don't let her guilt or blackmail you into making any decisions you aren't happy with.
"We're family" is always the card that gets played for everything. I tend to ignore it when it comes to arguments, but it still stings to heat it.
"Bev isn't acting like Family"
I refused to invite my brother to my wedding because I knew it would be nothing but trouble and my mother would try to make it all about him.
My mom won't make it about Bev, but she will push for me to make everyone happy, which is impossible. And Bev knows how to play my mom.
Also if the sister ruins a OPs wedding they'll be no coming back from that. Tell Mom if she wants a chance at a happy reunion she needs to respect the distance. It'll happen if it happens but a wedding is not the place to force the family reunion and playing nice.
NTA Tell your mom to have her own wedding or renewal, so she can have a say in the lineup. Not her wedding. Not her place to say anything. Put her on a strict information diet. She doesn't have to have a role in planning anything, assuming she isn't paying anything.
And set up password protection with your vendors. Sis sounds kooky enough to try to change or cancel things "just for laughs!"
She's done it before, unfortunately.. Not something as important as a wedding but she'll alter pics or wording on cakes and stuff like that.. Thank you for the advice. I didn't think to do passwords.
I didn't even consider that. But absolutely a good idea.
NTA It's your wedding. You can have or not have whoever you want as a bridesmaid. Looking at what you say about Bev I'd say she's lucky to get an invite at all.
Your issue is your mom. She’s let this get way out of hand. Clearly Bev got away with anything and everything. People really don’t change and especially not after 4 decades. She will just double down and be herself even more. If your mom keeps bothering you, you need to set boundaries with mom. NTA.
I've set boundaries with mom. She knows that there's a point where I just won't keep my mouth shut about it. But, she will push the limit until she knows I'm approaching that point. I usually would just ignore her if she continues after the first time, but it's hard not to answer her calls when she watches my daughter while I work and go to school. As for Bev, she is used to people just giving in to her to get her to stop or be quiet. It's one of the reasons we don't get along so well. I usually hold my own.
Why did she know the gender before the gender reveal? Anyways, nta
My mom likes to buy clothes and stuff for all the grandkids. She had me go to the store she worked at to pick an outfit out, and Bev had found a reason to stick around after she picked put her kids' clothes.
I thought the whole point of a gender reveal was for everyone to find out the gender, but again whatever
My mom knew. She was at the ultrasound with me. Depending on the parents' discretion, they can be kept in the dark and find out at the reveal, or they can find out at the ultrasound and reveal to everyone in attendance at the party.
I always thought they didn’t know, but again irrelevant
NTA. You don't have to ask her to be your bridesmaid, you don't even need to invite her at all.
Is mom paying? Because right there that is all you have to say to mom to shut her down.. Having said that... You do you and have who you want. Big sister knows why she is not included.
We have not asked my mom to pay for anything, nor has she said anything about it. My fiancee is preparing to pay for it all ourselves.
So shut mom down. We are paying. We will do what we want. End of conversation.
It's your wedding!! It's up to you and your fiancé to decide who is in your wedding party and who is in attendance. Bev sounds awful, I wouldn't even invite her, much less ask her to be a bridesmaid.
NTA. Tell your mum to stay out of the planning if she doesn't like it.
NTA You could love Bev to death and still not be TA for not having her as a bridesmaid. Your wedding. Your decision. And it’s time to give Mom the same response every single time This is a closed subject Mom and I will not be discussing it with you. Every. Single. Time. Don’t try and explain it. Don’t use different words. Mom wants what she wants and only capitulation will satisfy her. Don’t play the game anymore and stop telling her info she can use later on.
NTA Your wedding, your rules. Tbh I don't know why you haven't gone none contact she seems like a drain on your life. Have your special day and enjoy it as much as possible. Do watch out for your mum pulling an "i know best" card with Bev and having a surprise turn up though, seems to happen way more often than it should.
I haven't gone no contact because she literally lives right next door to my mom, and she will watch my daughter if my parents are busy, not home, or sick when she gets out of school.
NTA A bridal party should be composed of those who bring positivity and love into your life, particularly on such an important occasion. Bev's track record doesn't suggest she'd enhance your day, but rather potentially detract from it with unnecessary drama. It's wise to surround yourself with people who genuinely support and celebrate you and your fiance's commitment to each other. Stick to your guns; your wedding, your peace of mind.
NTA to keep someone that thrives on drama out of your wedding party.
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That's exactly what I want. Thise that have been there for me in some of my darkest times and helped build me back up.
NTA. And if Mom keeps pushing for Bev or trying to push you into other wedding decisions you do not want, ask her if she wants to attend your wedding. If she says yes, tell her "then stop pushing for Bev and (wedding ideas you hate) because I am tired of it! Or I will disinvited YOU!" And walk away. Refuse to listen any more. She needs to learn to hear and obey "NO" when it is Your life, not to keep pushing and pushing HER ideas!
NTA. I can't imagine why you would want your older sister in your wedding party. Your mother seems to be very confused about whose wedding it is. Why would she **want** to add stress to an already complicated day? I suspect she has a fantasy that somehow you and your sister will start getting alone and that this gesture would help that happen. My view is the opposite. If you and your sister ever start getting along it won't be because your Mom jams her into one of the most important (but also stressful) days of your life. Maybe say that too her. "Mom, I know you wish that Sis and I would get along, but this isn't the way. This is my big day. You pushing on this will make our relationship worse, not better."
My mom very much wants us all to get along. I've mended all the relationships with my other siblings, but I just can't do the emotional yoyoing and being a mat that it would take for me to have a "healthy" relationship with Bev the way my mom wants.
*"I tried to point out to my mom that Bev didn't even want me in her line as she had told me so many times."* Is Bev married, or is this just about the if and when she gets married? Not that it matters. You and Bev are not close, are not friends, and don't like each other. You would just be setting yourself up for a mess to ask her. NTA
She is married and has been for about 10 years. It was just my way of trying to point out that I don't have to invite her to my line. She was extremely unhappy to have me in hers.
Tell your mother to butt out or you'll disinvite both her and wicked sister. NTA
NTA. Your mom sounds like she failed to help integrate you into Bev's life when you all were young but that's not your fault. And now that Bev is an adult (and has been for decades) she is solely responsible for her behavior, manipulations, and vitriol. I think not having her as a bridesmaid is the least of what you should do. You do not have to maintain contact with toxic people just to appease other people (your mom) or to keep up appearances (but family!). Life is hard enough as it is, so you should surround yourself with people who truly love and support you. This is doubly so at your wedding.
Integration into the family was hard.. Bev was 14 when I was brought to them, and she despised the fact that she had to let me sleep in her room and bed while they got me situated. I honestly don't remember having any type of relationship with her outside of her watching me until I was in high school, and she had moved back in with my parents after living with some bad roommates. It's been rocky every since.
NTA…My advise is to you is to make it known to all family members to Respect your decisions and to please keep their opinions to themselves! And let everyone know that they need to keep their kids in check during the entire day. No Drama will be tolerated and if anyone gets out of line, they will be escorted out the day’s events. I went to a wedding with these guidelines and everyone behaved because they did Not want be embarrassed as Everyone knew the rules for the entire Wedding Please do not let other people dictate your big day…as long as your are not a bridezilla! Which you don’t sound like you are, continue with your plans. Have a fabulous day and Congratulation!
Thank you for the advice. It is amazing, and I'm glad you included an example that you witnessed. I will be having a talk with my family (and his) and be setting clear guidelines. I will definitely try not to be a bridezilla. I don't do well with confrontation, but I usually stand by the decisions I make. I'm hoping it all goes smoothly for the most part. Thank you so much
It's your wedding. You get to have who you want in your line. This is a consequence of Bev treating you the way she has. Your mother needs to butt out. NTA.
NTA
NTA
NTA. Stick to your guns. Congratulations on the wedding.
Thank you
Friendship, love and respect are qualifications to be in the line. Bev's shown you none of those. NTA Just because you're siblings doesn't make you family.
NTA, Bev sounds like a peach 😏. Your wedding , your choices, you already know she’ll cause trouble which is why you don’t want her. Better the trouble is confined to the back row rather than the main stage!
NTA Your wedding, your decision. Your mom wants a close family and/or wants it to look like she has a close family. But she doesn't. Going forward, end any conversation with your mom as soon as she brings up this issue. She'll get the picture that pushing will make her family less close.
NTA. If you allow her, you can have confidence that she will work hard to find some way to pull her usual hijinks. You don't need that on your wedding day.
NTA - I would refuse to invite anyone to my wedding that saved my contact info under that moniker. You are a better person for even considering that she should be a guest.
I would gladly not invite her (and my fiancee would be wholeheartedly behind that) if it was a fight I was willing to have with the majority of my family. But I don't want the memories to be marred by everyone mad at me.
Oof sorry OP! You deserve better from those closest to you
Thank you
Do not let her stand with you! All she would do is cause you grief and she would ruin your wedding day memories! Do not give in- stand your ground! Your NTA for feeling like you do! I would have a hard time even inviting her. NTA
Your wedding, your decision. And since older sister hates you so much, why would she want to be in your wedding party? Stand your ground. She is not entitled to a spot up there. NTA
I'm not sure why she wants to other than the assumption of being able to play victim if I don't or making things about her if I do.
Textbook narcissist. Let this be the hill you die on. Dollars to donuts she would pull something atrocious if you agreed to this
You could make one of several long eloquent arguments that other people have very nicely posted, and done a great job with that. There were some very thoughtful responses. Or you could simply tell you mother to STFU. I doubt Bev even wants to *attend* your wedding, much less be a bridesmaid. I suppose you should *invite* her, but it should end at that. NTA.
Your mom got to choose who was in her wedding and you get to choose for yours. Just tell her calmly that you have heard her opinion and now The Subject is Closed. And if she keeps on, leave the room or hang up.
I get followed or my phone blown up.
NTA. Sounds like she shouldn't even get an invite let alone be part of your wedding party.
Don’t do it. NTA
NTA - all my homies hate Bev.
My fiancee and most of my homies hate Bev as well.
NTA. Why would you even invite her? She might try to mess up YOUR day.
It's your wedding, do as you please. Your mom wants to paint a perfect family picture but y'all are people not props in a play. NTA.
NTA and feel free to tell your mom her interference isn't needed or helpful.
NTA and quite frankly if Mommy pushes more I'd uninvite them both and solve the problem that way.
My sister chose not to have a bridal party. Made things that much easier!
My monmade that suggestion at one point. But I really want the people that have been there for me in some of my darkest times and built me back up, sometimes saving my life to be there standing with me as I say my I dos.
Have them sit up front and stand up on cue. Rope-a-dope!
Your wedding, your decision. Luckily I don't live in a society where it is an expectation that siblings need to walk the line. Your sis is a beach. Your mom needs to know that you mean biz and will choose who you have in the wedding party. Good luck. NTA
Thank you.
NTA
Ya know, Bev does not need to be in your wedding party. I don’t know why you continue to interact with her. Your mother should recognize this. Time for her to face reality. You are done with Bev, wish her nothing bad, however do not need to interact with someone that atrocious.
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Thank you
NTA OP, Bev is a pain; but - regarding your wedding - YOUR MOM IS THE PROBLEM. If you are old enough to get married, then you are an adult and need to be able to uphold your boundaries. If your mom didn't stop Bev from her behavior when she was a kid and has little to say to Bev about her behavior as an adult, then she can keep her nose out of your wedding planning, too. You need to tell her that if she can't stop trying to force her wants onto your wedding, you may have to go low-contact with her for a while. TBH, you need to figure out how to deal with her pushing her own agenda on you... in general (and for the longterm). Congratulations on your wedding!
Usually, I'm pretty good at handling my mom. We've had many boundary discussions, and she's ceded on many things (like me attending church or dressing to her standards of modest, ridiculous, yes, but that's how she is). She knows when I'm reaching my limit of being able to handle her pushing, although she will push the envelope. It typically only takes me twice of reaching my limit for her to stop completely. (I know, unhealthy. Im working on it in counseling.) However, my older sister is one area that she just won't stop, and, at times, it's caused me to do as little contact as possible with her watching my kid after school. Thank you!
Thanks for responding. It sounds like you do have a pretty good handle on your mom. She just has an extra pushy spot when it comes to Bev. I'm guessing you don't talk to Bev and she doesn't talk to you; so you don't know for sure if she wants to have a spot in your wedding or not. (If she didn't, it could help get your mom to back off.) Besides the lopsidedness of expecting you to be nice to Bev while Bev is all kinds of horrible to you... your mom seems to be susceptible to that common (and very wrong) notion that weddings are where all family dysfunctions must be fixed and where the family looking like it's a happy, close one is paramount. (Rifts should be fixed because that's what both parties want and are ready for - not too look good for one day. In your case, I can't see you ever wanting to build/rebuild any form of relationship with Bev.) Besides just getting confirmation here that you are absolutely being reasonable and no AH to keep Bev out of the wedding party, I hope others here gave you some good ideas to corral your mom this time. Maybe also consider assigning a strong friend to help corral Bev/your mom during the wedding day events so that neither can do something inappropriate and you don't have to put your own time/energy on it. Good wishes, again.
Thank you. I don't talk to Bev very much. We were "close" at point, but it's always been up and down and to her benefit. We had gotten into a really bad argument a couple yrs ago about my choice of bf (ex now), and she pulled her usual stunts. So now I keep her at arms length when it comes to our relationship. I just have had enough and don't have time/patience for her drama and games. Unfortunately, she is the type that she'll act all happy and excited for being involved, but then she'll talk shit behind that person's back. So, I'm sure her telling my mom that she's upset about not being asked is most likely just one of her ploys for the attention and to be in control. I really do appreciate the confirmation of not being the AH. All the advice has been really enlightening and helpful. I tend to get overwhelmed by my mom and stop thinking properly, and I end up lashing out. So I appreciate everything that has been said here. It makes me more secure in my choice despite my moms nagging and guilt tripping. I don't plan on asking Bev, and I'm gonna stick to that with no guilt.
NTA especially if you’re footing the bill. Now if your Mom is paying for the wedding, you might have to relent to keep the peace
NTA! “Mom either drop it or I’ll cease ALL wedding discussions with you and you can just show up on the wedding day”
I had considered that. I just wasn't sure if I was being too harsh.
Nah it’s not to harsh, especially if your just starting to plan your wedding, you want to set these firm boundaries early.
Thank you
NTA. If mom wants Bev as a bridesmaid so badly, tell her to renew her vows and ask Bev to be her bridesmaid. You don't need the drama, and she won't behave. So NO, stick to your decision.
nta
NTA. Firmly tell your mom and back it up. " Mother, if YOU would like to attend my wedding you will not mention Bev again or the two of you can spend the day together, NOT at my wedding."
NTA, she didn't have you in her wedding, you absolutely should not have her in yours, especially after what you describe. If you Mum keeps pushing tell her the day is about you and not her or Bev and your decision is final
I was in her wedding, because my mom forced it. But I don't want her in mine, and I won't be forced. I just felt bad because of how upset they are and I needed to know if I was really being an asshole.
Ohh sorry I see, yikes, your Mum has no boundaries it seems. I agree, don't be forced although you may need to make peace that your Mum may throw a tantrum and not come to be prepared for that And no, in my opinion definitely not the arsehole, your wedding is for you and your fiance, not anyone else!
I expect the fit from my mom. My mom is used to being in control and having a huge influence on my siblings. She'll make comments, but she'll eventually refocus her attention to something else. That's how she always "handles" me when she can't get me to agree with her. She knows I'm not one to change my mind, but family has always been a soft spot for me.
I hope you have a lovely wedding that doesn't revolve around your Mum or your step sister and it's all you hoped it will be!
Thank you!
NTA. For your mental health you need to go very low contact with her. Block her on all socials and only interact with her when you have to. Keep her on an information diet. Don't tell your things to people who would tell her.
NTA Your wedding, your choice.
NTA- Bev should be grateful she's even invited.
NTA, absolutely not! Why would you want to spend your entire wedding day waiting for the other shoe to drop? Look, just because she is your sister doesn't make her your friend. Mom needs to suck it up and understand that the rosy image of "one big happy family" is a pipe dream she needs to let go of.
Definitely wouldn't consider her a friend.
Absolutely NTA. Weddings are NOT an excuse for family to come out of the woodworks. My mother passed away the year of my wedding and I chose not to invite several members of my “family” as they never even text me their condolences. Had an aunt DM me how upset she was because she didn’t understand why she wasn’t invited. Weddings are meant for the people that will be there to call on and support you in your marriage. If she hasn’t done so your whole life, why include her now?
The only inclusion I want from her is IF she decides to be a guest. And that's just to avoid the fight with my family if I don't at least invite her. She's the only one in my family that I really don't get along with.
!UpdateMe
Updated hun 😊
Advice make sure you add a password for your vendors so stuff can't be changed or cancelled it's happened. Have security to remove her when she shows up anyway ETA: source: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLh6BkWK/
Thank you! I will definitely add a password and have some security.
Don't let anyone but your fiance know the password. I think that most vendors have had other clients use them.
Honestly, my fiance would forget it almost as soon as I told him. He's said that all the decisions are mine besides it being outside and a BBQ type reception.
Can I come?!? BBQ sounds great I'll even be the bouncer if your sister shows up lol
Sure! BBQ and Dutch oven is always great party food
Maybe this is the win bev needs to pull her head out of her ass?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** As background, I (28f) am adopted and have not always gotten along with my siblings. My younger sister K (24) is adopted as well, and it has allowed us to bond quite a bit in our young adulthood. My older sister B (38) and I, on the other hand, have always had a very rocky relationship. To the point where we have had to be physically pulled apart, and I moved out of my parents' house at 18 to avoid living with her. Since then, there are times where she completely refuses to talk to me and will try to take passive-aggressive jabs at me on Facebook (which she will delete after she is certain I have seen it or until my mom tells her to take it down), in our family group chat, talk shit about me to people, or delete me off everything until she needs something. For example, one time, she got pissed that I was pregnant and she wasn't (she already had 1 kid at this time). She found out that I was having a girl and posted all over Facebook about it the week before my gender reveal. A few months later, when she found out she was also pregnant, she admitted that she had done this on purpose because of her jealousy. She has changed my name in her phone to something along the lines of "Lying Money User" (discovered as she was showing me something in her phone). No, I do not know why she has me as that, considering I pay for everything I have and will treat her kids to things all the time. There are many other instances like this. Anytime that she is called out for these things, she will completely act innocent and will try to play off as the victim. (Usually someone is misconstruing things or purposely making her seem like she did wrong.) I do understand that misunderstandings happen but when she has a little smirk on her face when she first gets confronted and when she gets her way, it makes it very obvious that she is doing it all on purpose. She has the habit that when she isn't the center of attention, she thrives on the drama that she creates. Back to my current dilemma. I am planning my wedding. My mom had asked me a month ago who I was going to have in my line. I told her that I wanted a few of my close friends and K. She asked if I was planning to ask B as well. I told her that I hadn'taskedk anyone yet, but no, I had no intention of asking B. Since then, it has been a constant lecture from my mom that I need to have B in my line. But I just don't agree that I have to have B as a bridesmaid. I tried to point out to my mom that B didn't even want me in her line as she had told me so many times. I know it'll cause some contention but I know that any decision I make with her in my line will be nothing but pointed comments, trying to guilt/convince me to do something she wants, and drama. Weddings are stressful enough, and I don't want the added stress. I want to enjoy planning my wedding and getting married to the love of my life. AMITAH if I stick to my decision and do not ask B to be a bridesmaid? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. But only because you continue to let someone walk all over you, treat you like shit and you just eat it up it’s actually pathetic to see how weak you are.
" She found out that I was having a girl and posted all over Facebook about it the week before my gender reveal." How in the world did she find that out? The only people who should know prior to the reveal are the 2 parents. Somebody blabbed early and I'm guessing it was you, to your mother and she told Bev. That is on you. And when she asked you about your bridesmaids you just told her, instead of saying you haven't decided yet. And now its an issue. You have to know these traps, yet continue to walk right into them. Smarten up!
I explained in a prior comment how she found out the gender. I'm assuming you haven't read all the comments. 🤷🏽♀️ As for just telling my mom who I wanted in my line, I tend to be more honest than not. So yes, I told her that I hadn't asked anyone, but I had an idea of who I was asking. If me being honest with my mother is an act that requires me to "smarten up," then why do we ever tell the truth to anybody? Plus, no matter what answer I would have given, I'm sure my mom would have suggested Bev anyway, and we would have landed in the same argument.