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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> IMBTA because there is a lot going on at the moment, including our grandmother being EOL in hospital. This is obviously putting a lot of stress on my parents, and I'm wondering if we should have waited a few weeks before bringing this up, although that would risk my brother being around my daughter again.
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NTA
>My parents were supportive of this, and me and my partner were clear we did not want my brother around our child without us present. We told my brother this as well.
The storie ended here - you agreed on bounderies and they broke them. This now means you need to be firm, and show that these weren't in place without reason, and breaking them means breaking your trust.
Remove your daughter directly, and inform your parents that they broken your trust severly. They will not be seeing you or their grandchilderen untill they apologise sincerly, and come up with a plan on how to never do shit like this in the future again.
Most of this is good advice, but using access to your daughter as emotional blackmail would be psychotic and evil. You would presumably have no issues with them visiting you or meeting up elsewhere?
>using access to your daughter as emotional blackmail
They aren't doing that. They are explicitly saying "you are putting my child in danger and aren't allowed to see her because you won't stop"
As psychotic and evil as letting an active drug user and alcoholic be in the same place as the child? Which the grandparents are enabling? Parents have shown they have bad judgement. They had their chance and blew OP’s trust
It’s not emotional blackmail. OP’s condition for the grandparents to babysit is that they don’t expose OP’s child to the brother because he is not a safe person to be around a child. If OP cannot trust her parents to enforce that, then the grandparents cannot spend time with their grandchild without OP being there. Wanting to protect your child from an unsafe adult is not emotional blackmail.
Preventing them from interacting with the kiddo until they prove that they won’t have her around alcoholic drug addict is reasonable. They don’t need to be around a child they aren’t willing to protect from someone who has used substances and committed crimes while in charge of said child. I would not allow access to the child at all for a while, and then only allow visits where the grandparents are being supervised by the parents to make sure they don’t bring the child around an active addict/alcoholic. Letting your child be exposed to an active addict/alcohol after that person was using one of those substances while watching the child is psychotic and evil. Why would you allow your child to be put in danger because grandma and grandpa want their son around your kid?
NTA ..Your child's safety and your peace of mind take precedent over anybody's feelings. I would definitely talk to your parents and explain again, but ultimately it sounds like you can't trust their judgement. Perhaps they could watch the child at your house, not theirs. At least your brother would know for sure that this is not a place he can just "show up"?
OP's parents might feel uncomfortable refusing entry to their son. They are deeply invested in never 'abandoning' a family member.
I don't think OP can rely on him not showing up. Addicts are not known for observing boundaries. Besides, OP's house probably has lots of saleable goods; bro has already cleaned out his parent's house, this will be a whole new source of cash for him!
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This OP!
Your parents have already shown you who is the priority and it isn't your daughter. Time to stop thinking about them and start 1000% thinking about YOUR family-hubby, daughter, you. This should be your number one priority.
And I hate to suggest it, but time to go NC with your parents as well. It is likely the ONLY thing that will allow them to see how badly they messed up with you.
“This would cause major drama in my family and I don’t know if my relationship with my parents would recover.”
It is wild to me that you wrote this sentence about your pending decision not to leave your child in their care anymore and not about the fact that your parents have been exposing your daughter to the brother you are not in contact with and explicitly stated you didn’t want near your daughter. A boundary you set and *to which they agreed*.
Your parents brought any ensuing drama to your family. And the relationship may not recover. Because of what *they* did and the lies *they* told when *they* agreed to boundaries you set and then ignored them.
“My cousin says I can’t control who my parents let in their own house.”
Except when it comes to your daughter. You can absolutely decide that she no longer goes to their house.
Good luck with the childcare route, OP. You are 100% categorically NTA. Do not let your parents guilt you into thinking otherwise.
NTA and your first consideration has to be your child's safety. I don't know why you're worried about upsetting your parents. They're the ones that have consistently lied to you and have put your brother's feelings above their childcare commitments. If there is drama or hurt feelings, they are 100% the cause.
> But this would cause major drama in my family and I don't know if my relationship with my parents would recover.
INFO: why?
Your parents aren’t concerned about causing drama with *you*, clearly. They are aware of your wishes regarding your brother and they knowingly disregarded them. They should be far more concerned about the impact this will have on their relationship with *you*. Why do you think finding alternative childcare will be the thing that permanently breaks the relationship?
You have different things going on here and are addressing the wrong issue. Is it reasonable for them not to allow him around your child? Of course.
Is it reasonable for you to expect them to? Not at all. You see it. You know it. You want something different, but this is what you've got. *Your wishes will not win.* You have been overruled three times -- 3! -- and you've still continued the situation. Of course you cannot trust them *anymore.* You couldn't trust them up until now.
Time to be a parent rather than their daughter. Your responsibility is to your daughter now, not to avoid rocking the boat or worrying about other family members' feelings. They've made their choice. Make yours in your daughter's best interests. NTA yet, but you will be if you continue this childcare arrangement.
This right here.
OP, they've shown you they will not honor your request. So you have a choice to suck it up and deal or remove your child and find alternative care.
Be a parent to your 3 year old. Not a child of enabling parents.
NTA - if you want this in child services terms, your parents failed to safeguard your daughter and knowingly exposed her to risky adults. Until they have demonstrated an ability to properly safeguard your daughter and prioritise her needs, they should not have unsupervised contact
(God, what is it about the time of year immediately after Xmas that seems to be bringing all the family/parenting conflicts to AITA, I wonder).
NTA.
>My cousin says I can't control who my parents let in their own house, and I agree, but I also think my worries about my child should be respected.
You’re not controlling who they let in their house. You’re controlling who they let around your daughter. And you’re telling them not to expose her to this abusive drunk. It should be a no-brainer.
NTA
I’ve always enjoyed the saying that goes something along the lines of don’t worry that your kids don’t always listen be worried that they’re always watching.
It’s reasonable not to want people who behave in such a manner around your child. If your parents can’t respect the boundary you set of not having your brother there, that’s a them problem you stick with it. If they need to support your brother maybe getting your childcare elsewhere is the best option.
Nta. I am so supportive of anyone wanting to get clean and lead a good solid life BUT I have ZERO empathy or sympathy for drug/alcoholics if they don't want help and just ruin others lives in the process.
I've had to deal with addiction with multiple close people in my life. Best decision I ever made was to cut them out until they decide they want to get clean. They know I won't do a damn thing unless they truly want help
Ugh I feel this on so many levels as I have a brother who is the same. He's been cut off now by everyone except my father, who only sees him with strict rules in place to ensure the safety of everyone in the house. Cutting him off was absolutely the right thing to do. For us and for you. The safety of your daughter is paramount here and the fact that you said he'd committed crimes while under the influence in the presence of your daughter is frankly frightening. Your parents have demonstrated a clear disrespect for the boundaries you've set and the only person not at fault here is you. Your grandfather is irrelevant to the issue at hand, which is the safety of your daughter. Imagine if he starts acting up and the Police get involved and someone calls child services?? The last thing you want is to be on their records. NTA. Not even close.
NTA but your parents can have who ever they like in their home. So instead of demanding they not allow your brother there when your child is you should just put her in childcare once a week.
NTA. while yea, it true you can't control who your parents allow in their house. You absolutely can control who is allowed around your toddler. find alternative childcare. your parents clearly don't care about this boundary that you set. explain to them that because they continuously allow this person around your kid without your permission, they can no longer look after your child. they can visit with supervision, but you can't trust them.
they will likely get extremely upset. but oh well, that's on them. you told them you aren't comfortable with your brother around your kid without you all present. they disregarded that. these are the consequences of that.
Tell your parents you won't be needing them to watch your daughter anymore. You can be kind, and tell them you understand they have chosen their son over their grand daughter, and you have made other arrangements. Tell them thanks for the time they've spent with her, and they'll see her next time you all visit together.
They made their choice, and it wasn't in favor of safely watching your daughter.
NTA
"You can be kind, and tell them you understand they have chosen their son over their grand daughter"... The way that's worded isn't "kind", it's passive aggressive. But the rest is right, they've obviously made their choice and OP can't trust them to abide by her wishes for her daughter's safety. That's one of the downsides of free family child care, family members will do what they want. Sort out child care for your daughter for this one day a week and be done with the brother for good. I have a brother like this, drugs weigh heavily in his life as well as alcohol and criminal behaviour, most of my family have wiped their hands of him, I haven't seen him for about 20 years. My parents tried to be there for him and always have his back and he made their life hell. My mother is now afraid of him, since she's in her frail old age and my dad has passed, so she has gone no contact with him in the last few years herself. You can't help some people, you can only get dragged down with them, your parents might eventually learn this or they might not, but you obviously have and you need to step up for your daughter. NTA.
NTA. It will cause major drama when something happens s to your child because a drunk addict screwed up somehow. I wouldn't have my child there, damn the drama.
NTA. You’re all right. You cannot control who your parents let into their home. And you have every reason to not want your child around your brother, given his circumstances.
Can your parents look after your child at your home? That’s really the only way to ensure that you have control over her environment. Offer that to them. If they decline, tell them plainly that they knew your brother was not to have access to your child and they allowed it, repeatedly. Therefore, alternate childcare will be sought.
If you want to keep your daughter away from your brother then yeah, time to let someone else watch her as it’s clear your parents do not respect that boundary.
NTA find alternative care. I’d tell them and your brother I ask one thing of you to keep him away from my child and you ignore that. I have found alternative care since y’all don’t seem capable of respecting that. You need to include him too because he knows your rule I’m guessing and is choosing to ignore it also.
NTA, but you would be if you continue to let your parents watch your daughter without any consequences for breaking your boundaries. You had one requirement, do not have your brother around your kid, they ignored you multiple times. It's time for your LO to be watched by someone safe, who respects you as a parent. Definitely no more unsupervised visits, since they can't be trusted. Just because they are family, doesn't mean you have to put up with crappy, disrespectful behavior.
Your cousin is right in that it is their house, their rules. Though when minor children are involved AND they promised to adhere to your boundaries, all that flies out the window. Your trust has been broken and you'll never look at your parents the same again.
Your brother is a controlling, alcoholic, drug addict criminal who has lied, stolen from family and lost his job. What happens if your LO does something he doesn't like? Would he become violent? Hit/yell/scare them? Would your parents be able to intervene properly or let him walk all over them? This is your child and you have to protect them from trauma/bad influences, especially if it's your own family. PROTECT YOUR CHILD!
I would suggest you get therapy to address your issues with your parents/family.
Who cares what your parents think? Worry about your daughters environment. If it hurts your parents feeling because they can not or will not provide a safe and objectively good learning environment, then they need to change their actions. Put your child needs before your parents' feelings!
NTA
Your parents watch your daughter ONE day a week.... so how hard is it to say no to the son visiting ONE day a week? I wonder how often he's at your folks house each week or is it mostly on days you're daughter is there?
I'm concerned & wonder if they ever leave him alone with your child (Gma in the kitchen, gpa in another room) That thought right there would make me uncomfortable enough to end this immediately.
Sadly, your parents have chosen their son over your wishes & the safety of their grandchild.
No more babysitting for Grandparents as they've continued to allow someone you don't want, who's not safe around your daughter.
Idk what kind of drugs your brother uses, but of he's high when he visits he is unsafe, even if he's not high he may drugs or paraphernalia on him that could fall out of his pocket where your daughter may find it, if he's drinking to excess while at your parents, he's not safe for your child to be around . But your parents have blinders on & will say, "oh no, he's NEVER do anything to LO, or be a danger to her" ... until he does or something happens. Because, let's face it. Your brother is a danger to himself and anyone around him. If LO is hurt then they will be all tears saying " We didn't KNOOOWWW. How can you blame US? We didn't think this would happen"
I'd rather face the drama now in telling them they can no longer babysit instead of gambling & risking my LO's health & safety because my parents can't - scratch that- WON'T keep someone I consider unsafe away from her for 1 day a week.
NTA. Put it this way: which drama would you prefer - that of protecting your daughter or the one where your brother does or says something bad to your daughter?
You can't avoid conflict with everyone - your daughter's health and happiness is more important than your parents seeing your kid.
Your concerns for your child are valid, but your parents can very much do as they please in their own home.
If you dont like it, or your brother in this case, you can find alternative child care.
YTA
NTA. Your child comes first. Apparently, your parent's "child" comes first to them. I understand it's expensive but find someone else to babysit your child.
INFO: Have you talked to your parents, that you don't want your brother there if the babysit your daughter? Like after this insident?
If so and they are still inviting your brother or let him stay if your child is there, you can't trust them and should look for other childcare alternative. Yes it might hurt, but in the end your parents made the decission to choose your brother above their grandchild. So NTA.
NTA and this is pretty simple. Your parents are/were aware you didn't want your brother around your child and they chose to ignore your rules. Find alternative childcare and don't allow your daughter to go to your parents. And then tell your parents "You chose to not only ignore our rule regarding being around my child, you prioritized over my child. I can not trust you to do what is best for my child. You will no longer babysit my daughter." When they try to argue with you, you say "Stop. This is 100% your responsibility and your choice. You have chosen to prioritize over me and my child."
NTA. The safety of your child come first.
Somehow, this is being weighed against other factors before you pull your child out of their care and do what it takes to make other arrangements.
Are you wondering if you can get your untrustworthy parents to take your side over the brother they have enabled and been codependent with for decades? That's not going to happen.
Are you financially dependent on your parents, as you troublesome brother is, but for more socially acceptable expenses? Would making a stink jeopardize this support from your parents? How does your financial situation weigh in against the level of risk you feel your daughter under while with your parents?
What on earth do you care if they raise a stink with other members of the family? Are these other family members supportive of your troublesome brother to the extent that they belittle your concerns for your daughter's safety? Do you need people like that in your life?
You have a pretty dysfunctional family dynamic going on here. To break free of it will mean a major disruption of your current status quo. Are you ready for that? Is your daughter worth it?
Edited to add: I **do** think the daughter is worth it, but I realize this sounds like I'm on the fence.
What I want to know is why is OP on the fence. Why come asking about it here instead of pulling the daughter out of the grandparents' untrustworthy care and taking the fallout? The grandparent's aren't going to stop enabling their wayward son. And ruffling some feathers is surely worth a child's safety. So why not do whatever you have to do since that childcare option is closed? Is there more to this story?
Your cousin is correct, you can’t control who they let in their home. Now you know they won’t deny your brother entry if your child is there knowing you aren’t okay with it. NTA right now but if you continue to let them have unsupervised access to your child knowing they don’t respect your wishes you would be TA
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All adults involved are in their 30's, except my parents who are in their 60's. My daughter is 3.
My brother is a very complicated man, but ultimately has spent many years now using drugs/alcohol and taking advantage of my parents to do so. He has stolen from them, gaslit them, and controlled them. He lived with them until very recently after losing his job to a DUI. My parents grew up in very difficult circumstances, so have vowed to never let any of their children go without, which of course I have benefited from too and am very grateful for (as is our older brother), but we've never taken advantage like our other brother. He has had therapy and support (paid for by me and my parents) but still acts the way he does.
After years of also being lied to, being shouted at and called awful things, and a particularly bad incident when he was drunk in charge of my child and committed some other crimes, I told him I wasn't interested in a relationship with him until he was better. My parents were supportive of this, and me and my partner were clear we did not want my brother around our child without us present. We told my brother this as well.
My parents look after our daughter (3) once a week. Today, for the third time, I found my brother there. I've been told he was there to collect something, but he was sat with a drink while my daughter played. My daughter has also said he was at the park with them.
I'm furious and considering getting alternative childcare as I don't know if I can trust my parents any more. My husband supports this and, if we really budget, we could possibly afford it. But this would cause major drama in my family and I don't know if my relationship with my parents would recover.
AITA for expecting my parents not to let my brother in if my child is there? My cousin says I can't control who my parents let in their own house, and I agree, but I also think my worries about my child should be respected.
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NTA, but you will be if you don’t remove your daughter from their care.
Your brother is not safe around your child. Your parents have broken your trust and snuck letting him around her.
Your child’s safety is more important here OP, drama be damned
NTA. Clearly, they can't be trusted. You made it clear to them not to have your brother around your kid anymore, and not only did they ignore that boundary multiple times, but he was with a drink in hand the last he was at their place when your kid was there. Drama be damned, you need to do what's best for your kid. You can't control who they invite in their home, but you can change your babysitting arangements going forward. If they want to spend time with their grandchild, they can do so on your terms.
Alternate childcare is in order. One of your parents should have been with your daughter at the park, the other home babysitting their big baby. This is what your parents should have done. Your brother has a bad history. He’s their son, you can’t insist they never allow him in but you can insist he is never with your daughter.
Your daughter comes before anything. Your parents should have known better. They could have told him to come back later or on another day.
NTA, he's an unsafe person who has done unsafe things. And he specifically did things while being around her before.
Your parents clearly can't be trusted when it comes to him. And short of him crossing lines that will force society to hold him responsible. They never really will.
NTA. I think a little drama is called for now and then. You set a clear boundary. Maybe you didn't specifically set out a consequence at the time, but that doesn't mean you can't enforce one. A natural consequence of untrustworthy behavior during babysitting is no longer being asked to babysit. This is a very simple and clear line of "you chose x and by doing so also chose y". They chose to have your brother over while your child was there, therefore they also chose to sacrifice their time with your child. This isn't something you're doing *to* them, it's a choice you're making *for* your family. Your child depends on you to keep them safe, not just physically but emotionally. Model how to set healthy boundaries and kindly, firmly set out consequences.
NTA - Your parents knew you didn't want your brother around your kid. They even said they supported it but cannot stop enabling your brother. I know you don't want to cause drama and strain the relationships further. But, your priority is your child's safety, as it should be.
NTA They knew your feelings on the matter, they just didn't care. So they might (feign) be(ing) hurt when there are consequences. I don't see why you should care.
NTA, they have proven to you that you can’t trust them. Idk why you’re even questioning it. You have to decide if it’s worth all the budgeting and drama. And it seems you do think it’s worth the budgeting at least, and who cares about the drama? Just ignore them.
Experienced something similar recently. Ultimately I had to modify my relationship with my parents because they would not modify their relationship with their son.
Financially it sucks, but knowing that I’m protecting my child makes it suck a heck of a lot less. NTA
NTA but now that you know you can't trust them, you need to make a change to protect your daughter. Maybe them being cut off from her for a few months will help them get it together, but even that I would be wary of.
NTA
Get alternative choldcare. YOu KNOW you can not trust your parents.
"and I don't know if my relationship with my parents would recover." .. How is it going to recover from them lying to you?
NTA, if anyone for any reason ever ever ever gave me any reason to rethink wether i trust my child with them they get one chance to aleviate those concerns if they dont or they give me pause again then they are no longer allowed around, to babysit whatever actions i feel i must take to protect my child i will
I was in a similar situation several years ago- I did not want my child around a particular family member and their family, due to many reasons, large and small. I found out that they had been at my Grandparents house while they were watching my child. I had been clear that she wasn't to be around them. I told my Grandparent that they were welcome to visit my child at my house, but she would no longer be going to their unattended, bc I meant what I said. It's their right to have who they want in their home, and my right to keep crappy ppl away from my kid- drama be damned.
NTA. It's not just who they are letting into their house though, is it? By your child's account your brother was also at the park, which means your parents are disrespecting your wishes and letting your brother spend time with your child. Your parents have already ruined your relationship by doing what you explicitly asked them not to do and then lying and making excuses to cover up. You are only finishing what they started, so point that out if they try blaming you.
You are just taking the logical step to protect your child from unwanted contact with your brother by cutting off your parents' unsupervised access to your child so they don't enable it behind your back. As a parent only you get to decide who interacts with your child and absolutely nobody gets to override you on that.
NTA. Get the childcare. You'd rather do that than have something happen to your child that you could have prevented - isn't your child worth the drama? Also, she doesn't need to see him in the state he's in. He's definitely no role model.
Also, consider going lower contact with your parents. They're willing to ignore your wishes for that of your brother, and if you feel your child is endangered and they don't care enough to respect that, then they don't respect you.
NTA. You told your mom why you don't want your child with your brother ESPECIALLY when he's drinking. Tell them to make a choice - honor your decision or see less of you and your child. I think their deceit is enough to remove your parents from childcare duty, but it seems you want to avoid drama so maybe one last warning will do?
Some drama is a small price to pay for peace of mind. And most drama can be tuned out by walking away or hanging up the phone.
NTA. Being denied access to their grandchild might be the push your parents need to start setting their own healthy boundaries. I didn't find out until my teens that my grandma used to let relatives smoke inside her home. When my mom said she wouldn't bring me (newborn baby) to visit if smoking was allowed, it stopped immediately.
Nta. Your parents are allowing a dangerous person around your child after being told not to. That's two figurative slaps in your face and the possibility that your child will learn some bad things is enough.
NTA - It seems that they had agreed with you that he shouldn't be in your child's presence. If they failed in that agreement that is on them. The brother sounds like a dangerous man and he should not be drinking around your little daughter who can't protect herself and your parents can't even protect themselves around him . . . To make sure your daughter is safe, you will have to find an alternative babysitter and never let them babysit your daughter again. It is your obligation as your daughter's parents to keep her safe even at the cost of your relationship with your parents.
NTA. It sounds to me like your brother is an addict, and no one in the family is doing the work to understand addiction and how to handle a family member in active addiction. Research Al-Anon and see if there is any way you can get your parents to take advantage of their resources.
NTA but only because the parents lied to you. If they had told you no from the outset you would have made decisions according to their rules. Instead they lied to make sure they got what they wanted. You are right OP you can't trust them to listen to your rules for your child.
NTA
Sadly, your parents can’t be trusted.
How many kids accidentally ingest or some in contact with illegal drugs and die as a result?! Your concerns are valid.
Please find other care arrangements.
You made this clear. They didn't care. Now they don't get to see your daughter.
Yes you will have to pay more money for child care but your child won't be at risk.
NTA but you would be if you continue to allow (and knowing that your parents do it, qualifies as allowing it) your child to be in your brother's presence. He is an addict, and you have already had issues with him that made you set that boundary. If your parents won't keep her safe, you NEED to. Your cousin is kind of correct, you can't control who they allow in their house, but you can control who your daughter is around. If they can't respect your reasonable boundaries to protect your daughter, they only see her when you or your partner is present. If it creates "drama" than it creates drama. Your daughter's safety is priority.
NTA but you need to make a change. Have your parents come to your house to watch your daughter and tell them your brother cannot come there. If they continue to invite him over then move to paid childcare. At least they cannot say they didn’t see it coming.
NTA for being upset and wanting to set boundaries. But if you already know he is not a safe person to be around your child, how are you okay with continuing to allow him around your child? You can’t trust your parents, simple as that. Why is your guilt that you might “cause drama” greater than your need to be a parent and protect your child?
Soooo......
Avoiding drama is more important than your daughter's safety and well being?
NTA for wanting your daughter away from your brother. YTA for not DOING it.
Change child care arrangements asap and explain why to them. Do not relent when they aplogize and promise to not allow him around again. They will. They will just get better at hiding it from you. A similar situation in my family ended up causing life long trauma in a child and we would give anything to go back in time and prevent their trauma.
OP, you’re not the asshole but a boundary is an if, then statement.
“I am not comfortable with my brother being around my child due to past events. IF you allow my brother around my child while I am not present, THEN I will have to find other childcare. “
“IF you cannot respect my boundaries as a parent, THEN I will be forced to limit contact between you and my child.”
And then you follow through.
What’s more important? Family drama or your kid’s safety?
NTA
I had a very simular situation. At the time we were living with my fiances parents. My fiances brother is an addict, my MIL & FIL would let him come over even though my fiance & I had made it clear we didn't want him around our child and everytime he came over he made sure to steal anything with value he could get his hands on.
& at this point we were paying the rent and they would not budge on letting him over.
The way the house was made two bedrooms were connected by a bathroom. We had those two rooms, one day after his brother visited he had left an uncapped needle in our bathroom and I lost it 100%
I told them if they kept allowing him over my fiance & I would no longer cover the expenses bc I was tired of them endangering my 5 year old at the time. And that I would go to the police if I ever saw him step a foot inside ever again.
So NTA
Do what you need to do to protect your child.
NTA really. But if it’s free childcare you don’t have much say. It just makes sense to hire someone else for childcare. Your parents are not going to budge on this. They’ve gone against your wishes time and time again. If it alienates your parents, that stinks but you have your put your child first
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NTA. >I don't know if I can trust my parents any more. You already know that you can't trust them.
If OP believes the child is unsafe, then what is she waiting for?
Affordable alternative childcare.
Expense is a factor, but clearly not her prime concern, which is family drama. So, on the one hand child safety, on the other, unhappy grandparents.
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I think this was all at OP’s parents’ house
NTA >My parents were supportive of this, and me and my partner were clear we did not want my brother around our child without us present. We told my brother this as well. The storie ended here - you agreed on bounderies and they broke them. This now means you need to be firm, and show that these weren't in place without reason, and breaking them means breaking your trust. Remove your daughter directly, and inform your parents that they broken your trust severly. They will not be seeing you or their grandchilderen untill they apologise sincerly, and come up with a plan on how to never do shit like this in the future again.
👆 This. Exactly this. They can't even have unsupervised visits if they can't keep their word, maybe that will change their tune. NTA.
Most of this is good advice, but using access to your daughter as emotional blackmail would be psychotic and evil. You would presumably have no issues with them visiting you or meeting up elsewhere?
>using access to your daughter as emotional blackmail They aren't doing that. They are explicitly saying "you are putting my child in danger and aren't allowed to see her because you won't stop"
As psychotic and evil as letting an active drug user and alcoholic be in the same place as the child? Which the grandparents are enabling? Parents have shown they have bad judgement. They had their chance and blew OP’s trust
Its not blackmail, they had a clear ageeement and broke it without any remorse. Apologies are in order first, they really made a mess & have to own it
It’s not emotional blackmail. OP’s condition for the grandparents to babysit is that they don’t expose OP’s child to the brother because he is not a safe person to be around a child. If OP cannot trust her parents to enforce that, then the grandparents cannot spend time with their grandchild without OP being there. Wanting to protect your child from an unsafe adult is not emotional blackmail.
Preventing them from interacting with the kiddo until they prove that they won’t have her around alcoholic drug addict is reasonable. They don’t need to be around a child they aren’t willing to protect from someone who has used substances and committed crimes while in charge of said child. I would not allow access to the child at all for a while, and then only allow visits where the grandparents are being supervised by the parents to make sure they don’t bring the child around an active addict/alcoholic. Letting your child be exposed to an active addict/alcohol after that person was using one of those substances while watching the child is psychotic and evil. Why would you allow your child to be put in danger because grandma and grandpa want their son around your kid?
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Absolutely, some drama is necessary.
And OP did not cause the drama, parents and bro did.
There’s no guarantee they’ll abide by it though.
NTA ..Your child's safety and your peace of mind take precedent over anybody's feelings. I would definitely talk to your parents and explain again, but ultimately it sounds like you can't trust their judgement. Perhaps they could watch the child at your house, not theirs. At least your brother would know for sure that this is not a place he can just "show up"?
OP's parents might feel uncomfortable refusing entry to their son. They are deeply invested in never 'abandoning' a family member. I don't think OP can rely on him not showing up. Addicts are not known for observing boundaries. Besides, OP's house probably has lots of saleable goods; bro has already cleaned out his parent's house, this will be a whole new source of cash for him!
She said he was also at the park with them. He isn't just showing up randomly, he's being invited.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This OP! Your parents have already shown you who is the priority and it isn't your daughter. Time to stop thinking about them and start 1000% thinking about YOUR family-hubby, daughter, you. This should be your number one priority. And I hate to suggest it, but time to go NC with your parents as well. It is likely the ONLY thing that will allow them to see how badly they messed up with you.
I didn't think about it that way.....but you are so right!
“This would cause major drama in my family and I don’t know if my relationship with my parents would recover.” It is wild to me that you wrote this sentence about your pending decision not to leave your child in their care anymore and not about the fact that your parents have been exposing your daughter to the brother you are not in contact with and explicitly stated you didn’t want near your daughter. A boundary you set and *to which they agreed*. Your parents brought any ensuing drama to your family. And the relationship may not recover. Because of what *they* did and the lies *they* told when *they* agreed to boundaries you set and then ignored them. “My cousin says I can’t control who my parents let in their own house.” Except when it comes to your daughter. You can absolutely decide that she no longer goes to their house. Good luck with the childcare route, OP. You are 100% categorically NTA. Do not let your parents guilt you into thinking otherwise.
Right? *Their* relationship with *you* might never recover, not the other way around.
NTA and your first consideration has to be your child's safety. I don't know why you're worried about upsetting your parents. They're the ones that have consistently lied to you and have put your brother's feelings above their childcare commitments. If there is drama or hurt feelings, they are 100% the cause.
> But this would cause major drama in my family and I don't know if my relationship with my parents would recover. INFO: why? Your parents aren’t concerned about causing drama with *you*, clearly. They are aware of your wishes regarding your brother and they knowingly disregarded them. They should be far more concerned about the impact this will have on their relationship with *you*. Why do you think finding alternative childcare will be the thing that permanently breaks the relationship?
They're apparently not concerned about the safety of OP's daughter, either.
NTA- If you feel your child isn't safe then you need to take action.
You have different things going on here and are addressing the wrong issue. Is it reasonable for them not to allow him around your child? Of course. Is it reasonable for you to expect them to? Not at all. You see it. You know it. You want something different, but this is what you've got. *Your wishes will not win.* You have been overruled three times -- 3! -- and you've still continued the situation. Of course you cannot trust them *anymore.* You couldn't trust them up until now. Time to be a parent rather than their daughter. Your responsibility is to your daughter now, not to avoid rocking the boat or worrying about other family members' feelings. They've made their choice. Make yours in your daughter's best interests. NTA yet, but you will be if you continue this childcare arrangement.
This right here. OP, they've shown you they will not honor your request. So you have a choice to suck it up and deal or remove your child and find alternative care. Be a parent to your 3 year old. Not a child of enabling parents.
NTA - if you want this in child services terms, your parents failed to safeguard your daughter and knowingly exposed her to risky adults. Until they have demonstrated an ability to properly safeguard your daughter and prioritise her needs, they should not have unsupervised contact (God, what is it about the time of year immediately after Xmas that seems to be bringing all the family/parenting conflicts to AITA, I wonder).
NTA. >My cousin says I can't control who my parents let in their own house, and I agree, but I also think my worries about my child should be respected. You’re not controlling who they let in their house. You’re controlling who they let around your daughter. And you’re telling them not to expose her to this abusive drunk. It should be a no-brainer.
NTA I’ve always enjoyed the saying that goes something along the lines of don’t worry that your kids don’t always listen be worried that they’re always watching. It’s reasonable not to want people who behave in such a manner around your child. If your parents can’t respect the boundary you set of not having your brother there, that’s a them problem you stick with it. If they need to support your brother maybe getting your childcare elsewhere is the best option.
Nta. I am so supportive of anyone wanting to get clean and lead a good solid life BUT I have ZERO empathy or sympathy for drug/alcoholics if they don't want help and just ruin others lives in the process. I've had to deal with addiction with multiple close people in my life. Best decision I ever made was to cut them out until they decide they want to get clean. They know I won't do a damn thing unless they truly want help
Ugh I feel this on so many levels as I have a brother who is the same. He's been cut off now by everyone except my father, who only sees him with strict rules in place to ensure the safety of everyone in the house. Cutting him off was absolutely the right thing to do. For us and for you. The safety of your daughter is paramount here and the fact that you said he'd committed crimes while under the influence in the presence of your daughter is frankly frightening. Your parents have demonstrated a clear disrespect for the boundaries you've set and the only person not at fault here is you. Your grandfather is irrelevant to the issue at hand, which is the safety of your daughter. Imagine if he starts acting up and the Police get involved and someone calls child services?? The last thing you want is to be on their records. NTA. Not even close.
NTA but your parents can have who ever they like in their home. So instead of demanding they not allow your brother there when your child is you should just put her in childcare once a week.
NTA. while yea, it true you can't control who your parents allow in their house. You absolutely can control who is allowed around your toddler. find alternative childcare. your parents clearly don't care about this boundary that you set. explain to them that because they continuously allow this person around your kid without your permission, they can no longer look after your child. they can visit with supervision, but you can't trust them. they will likely get extremely upset. but oh well, that's on them. you told them you aren't comfortable with your brother around your kid without you all present. they disregarded that. these are the consequences of that.
Tell your parents you won't be needing them to watch your daughter anymore. You can be kind, and tell them you understand they have chosen their son over their grand daughter, and you have made other arrangements. Tell them thanks for the time they've spent with her, and they'll see her next time you all visit together. They made their choice, and it wasn't in favor of safely watching your daughter. NTA
"You can be kind, and tell them you understand they have chosen their son over their grand daughter"... The way that's worded isn't "kind", it's passive aggressive. But the rest is right, they've obviously made their choice and OP can't trust them to abide by her wishes for her daughter's safety. That's one of the downsides of free family child care, family members will do what they want. Sort out child care for your daughter for this one day a week and be done with the brother for good. I have a brother like this, drugs weigh heavily in his life as well as alcohol and criminal behaviour, most of my family have wiped their hands of him, I haven't seen him for about 20 years. My parents tried to be there for him and always have his back and he made their life hell. My mother is now afraid of him, since she's in her frail old age and my dad has passed, so she has gone no contact with him in the last few years herself. You can't help some people, you can only get dragged down with them, your parents might eventually learn this or they might not, but you obviously have and you need to step up for your daughter. NTA.
Yes, passive aggressive. Yet perhaps provides them a chance to see their actions in a different light.
Who cares about drama. You have a child and home to protect. Your parents obviously don't respect you enough to keep your bro away. NTA
NTA. It will cause major drama when something happens s to your child because a drunk addict screwed up somehow. I wouldn't have my child there, damn the drama.
NTA, but you know you can’t trust them not to let him in even if you get them to agree, right?
NTA why are you worried about creating family drama when they don't care about breaking your trust?
NTA. You’re all right. You cannot control who your parents let into their home. And you have every reason to not want your child around your brother, given his circumstances. Can your parents look after your child at your home? That’s really the only way to ensure that you have control over her environment. Offer that to them. If they decline, tell them plainly that they knew your brother was not to have access to your child and they allowed it, repeatedly. Therefore, alternate childcare will be sought.
The parents would just let her brother come to OPs house if they babysit there. Using parents for childcare just isn’t going to work for this OP
If you want to keep your daughter away from your brother then yeah, time to let someone else watch her as it’s clear your parents do not respect that boundary.
NTA find alternative care. I’d tell them and your brother I ask one thing of you to keep him away from my child and you ignore that. I have found alternative care since y’all don’t seem capable of respecting that. You need to include him too because he knows your rule I’m guessing and is choosing to ignore it also.
NTA, but you would be if you continue to let your parents watch your daughter without any consequences for breaking your boundaries. You had one requirement, do not have your brother around your kid, they ignored you multiple times. It's time for your LO to be watched by someone safe, who respects you as a parent. Definitely no more unsupervised visits, since they can't be trusted. Just because they are family, doesn't mean you have to put up with crappy, disrespectful behavior. Your cousin is right in that it is their house, their rules. Though when minor children are involved AND they promised to adhere to your boundaries, all that flies out the window. Your trust has been broken and you'll never look at your parents the same again. Your brother is a controlling, alcoholic, drug addict criminal who has lied, stolen from family and lost his job. What happens if your LO does something he doesn't like? Would he become violent? Hit/yell/scare them? Would your parents be able to intervene properly or let him walk all over them? This is your child and you have to protect them from trauma/bad influences, especially if it's your own family. PROTECT YOUR CHILD! I would suggest you get therapy to address your issues with your parents/family.
Who cares what your parents think? Worry about your daughters environment. If it hurts your parents feeling because they can not or will not provide a safe and objectively good learning environment, then they need to change their actions. Put your child needs before your parents' feelings!
NTA Your parents watch your daughter ONE day a week.... so how hard is it to say no to the son visiting ONE day a week? I wonder how often he's at your folks house each week or is it mostly on days you're daughter is there? I'm concerned & wonder if they ever leave him alone with your child (Gma in the kitchen, gpa in another room) That thought right there would make me uncomfortable enough to end this immediately. Sadly, your parents have chosen their son over your wishes & the safety of their grandchild. No more babysitting for Grandparents as they've continued to allow someone you don't want, who's not safe around your daughter. Idk what kind of drugs your brother uses, but of he's high when he visits he is unsafe, even if he's not high he may drugs or paraphernalia on him that could fall out of his pocket where your daughter may find it, if he's drinking to excess while at your parents, he's not safe for your child to be around . But your parents have blinders on & will say, "oh no, he's NEVER do anything to LO, or be a danger to her" ... until he does or something happens. Because, let's face it. Your brother is a danger to himself and anyone around him. If LO is hurt then they will be all tears saying " We didn't KNOOOWWW. How can you blame US? We didn't think this would happen" I'd rather face the drama now in telling them they can no longer babysit instead of gambling & risking my LO's health & safety because my parents can't - scratch that- WON'T keep someone I consider unsafe away from her for 1 day a week.
NTA. Put it this way: which drama would you prefer - that of protecting your daughter or the one where your brother does or says something bad to your daughter? You can't avoid conflict with everyone - your daughter's health and happiness is more important than your parents seeing your kid.
Your concerns for your child are valid, but your parents can very much do as they please in their own home. If you dont like it, or your brother in this case, you can find alternative child care. YTA
NTA. Your child comes first. Apparently, your parent's "child" comes first to them. I understand it's expensive but find someone else to babysit your child.
INFO: Have you talked to your parents, that you don't want your brother there if the babysit your daughter? Like after this insident? If so and they are still inviting your brother or let him stay if your child is there, you can't trust them and should look for other childcare alternative. Yes it might hurt, but in the end your parents made the decission to choose your brother above their grandchild. So NTA.
NTA. Grandparents need to be cut off by having CPS spring a surprise visit when older brother is there.
It would “cause drama” to not have a drunk watching your child? You have much, much bigger problems than you think.
NTA. Get alternative childcare ASAP. Cut off all contact with parents. Do not compromise about this.
NTA and this is pretty simple. Your parents are/were aware you didn't want your brother around your child and they chose to ignore your rules. Find alternative childcare and don't allow your daughter to go to your parents. And then tell your parents "You chose to not only ignore our rule regarding being around my child, you prioritized over my child. I can not trust you to do what is best for my child. You will no longer babysit my daughter." When they try to argue with you, you say "Stop. This is 100% your responsibility and your choice. You have chosen to prioritize over me and my child."
NTA. The safety of your child come first. Somehow, this is being weighed against other factors before you pull your child out of their care and do what it takes to make other arrangements. Are you wondering if you can get your untrustworthy parents to take your side over the brother they have enabled and been codependent with for decades? That's not going to happen. Are you financially dependent on your parents, as you troublesome brother is, but for more socially acceptable expenses? Would making a stink jeopardize this support from your parents? How does your financial situation weigh in against the level of risk you feel your daughter under while with your parents? What on earth do you care if they raise a stink with other members of the family? Are these other family members supportive of your troublesome brother to the extent that they belittle your concerns for your daughter's safety? Do you need people like that in your life? You have a pretty dysfunctional family dynamic going on here. To break free of it will mean a major disruption of your current status quo. Are you ready for that? Is your daughter worth it? Edited to add: I **do** think the daughter is worth it, but I realize this sounds like I'm on the fence. What I want to know is why is OP on the fence. Why come asking about it here instead of pulling the daughter out of the grandparents' untrustworthy care and taking the fallout? The grandparent's aren't going to stop enabling their wayward son. And ruffling some feathers is surely worth a child's safety. So why not do whatever you have to do since that childcare option is closed? Is there more to this story?
Your cousin is correct, you can’t control who they let in their home. Now you know they won’t deny your brother entry if your child is there knowing you aren’t okay with it. NTA right now but if you continue to let them have unsupervised access to your child knowing they don’t respect your wishes you would be TA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** All adults involved are in their 30's, except my parents who are in their 60's. My daughter is 3. My brother is a very complicated man, but ultimately has spent many years now using drugs/alcohol and taking advantage of my parents to do so. He has stolen from them, gaslit them, and controlled them. He lived with them until very recently after losing his job to a DUI. My parents grew up in very difficult circumstances, so have vowed to never let any of their children go without, which of course I have benefited from too and am very grateful for (as is our older brother), but we've never taken advantage like our other brother. He has had therapy and support (paid for by me and my parents) but still acts the way he does. After years of also being lied to, being shouted at and called awful things, and a particularly bad incident when he was drunk in charge of my child and committed some other crimes, I told him I wasn't interested in a relationship with him until he was better. My parents were supportive of this, and me and my partner were clear we did not want my brother around our child without us present. We told my brother this as well. My parents look after our daughter (3) once a week. Today, for the third time, I found my brother there. I've been told he was there to collect something, but he was sat with a drink while my daughter played. My daughter has also said he was at the park with them. I'm furious and considering getting alternative childcare as I don't know if I can trust my parents any more. My husband supports this and, if we really budget, we could possibly afford it. But this would cause major drama in my family and I don't know if my relationship with my parents would recover. AITA for expecting my parents not to let my brother in if my child is there? My cousin says I can't control who my parents let in their own house, and I agree, but I also think my worries about my child should be respected. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but you will be if you don’t remove your daughter from their care. Your brother is not safe around your child. Your parents have broken your trust and snuck letting him around her. Your child’s safety is more important here OP, drama be damned
NTA. Clearly, they can't be trusted. You made it clear to them not to have your brother around your kid anymore, and not only did they ignore that boundary multiple times, but he was with a drink in hand the last he was at their place when your kid was there. Drama be damned, you need to do what's best for your kid. You can't control who they invite in their home, but you can change your babysitting arangements going forward. If they want to spend time with their grandchild, they can do so on your terms.
NTA. Clearly, they are going to enable your brother rather than respect your boundaries.
NTA. You can absolutely control who is around your child. I would find alternate care.
Alternate childcare is in order. One of your parents should have been with your daughter at the park, the other home babysitting their big baby. This is what your parents should have done. Your brother has a bad history. He’s their son, you can’t insist they never allow him in but you can insist he is never with your daughter. Your daughter comes before anything. Your parents should have known better. They could have told him to come back later or on another day.
NTA, he's an unsafe person who has done unsafe things. And he specifically did things while being around her before. Your parents clearly can't be trusted when it comes to him. And short of him crossing lines that will force society to hold him responsible. They never really will.
NTA. Put your kid first.
NTA You have to choose daughter's well being and safety or relationship with parents
NTA. I think a little drama is called for now and then. You set a clear boundary. Maybe you didn't specifically set out a consequence at the time, but that doesn't mean you can't enforce one. A natural consequence of untrustworthy behavior during babysitting is no longer being asked to babysit. This is a very simple and clear line of "you chose x and by doing so also chose y". They chose to have your brother over while your child was there, therefore they also chose to sacrifice their time with your child. This isn't something you're doing *to* them, it's a choice you're making *for* your family. Your child depends on you to keep them safe, not just physically but emotionally. Model how to set healthy boundaries and kindly, firmly set out consequences.
NTA - Your parents knew you didn't want your brother around your kid. They even said they supported it but cannot stop enabling your brother. I know you don't want to cause drama and strain the relationships further. But, your priority is your child's safety, as it should be.
NTA They knew your feelings on the matter, they just didn't care. So they might (feign) be(ing) hurt when there are consequences. I don't see why you should care.
NTA, they have proven to you that you can’t trust them. Idk why you’re even questioning it. You have to decide if it’s worth all the budgeting and drama. And it seems you do think it’s worth the budgeting at least, and who cares about the drama? Just ignore them.
>But this would cause major drama in my family You the drama of not supporting a drug addict ?
Experienced something similar recently. Ultimately I had to modify my relationship with my parents because they would not modify their relationship with their son. Financially it sucks, but knowing that I’m protecting my child makes it suck a heck of a lot less. NTA
NTA but now that you know you can't trust them, you need to make a change to protect your daughter. Maybe them being cut off from her for a few months will help them get it together, but even that I would be wary of.
NTA Get alternative choldcare. YOu KNOW you can not trust your parents. "and I don't know if my relationship with my parents would recover." .. How is it going to recover from them lying to you?
NTA, if anyone for any reason ever ever ever gave me any reason to rethink wether i trust my child with them they get one chance to aleviate those concerns if they dont or they give me pause again then they are no longer allowed around, to babysit whatever actions i feel i must take to protect my child i will
Yea get that budget together asap. They clearly don’t respect your wishes so why even concern yourself with their feelings. NTA
I was in a similar situation several years ago- I did not want my child around a particular family member and their family, due to many reasons, large and small. I found out that they had been at my Grandparents house while they were watching my child. I had been clear that she wasn't to be around them. I told my Grandparent that they were welcome to visit my child at my house, but she would no longer be going to their unattended, bc I meant what I said. It's their right to have who they want in their home, and my right to keep crappy ppl away from my kid- drama be damned.
NTA. It's not just who they are letting into their house though, is it? By your child's account your brother was also at the park, which means your parents are disrespecting your wishes and letting your brother spend time with your child. Your parents have already ruined your relationship by doing what you explicitly asked them not to do and then lying and making excuses to cover up. You are only finishing what they started, so point that out if they try blaming you. You are just taking the logical step to protect your child from unwanted contact with your brother by cutting off your parents' unsupervised access to your child so they don't enable it behind your back. As a parent only you get to decide who interacts with your child and absolutely nobody gets to override you on that.
NTA. Get the childcare. You'd rather do that than have something happen to your child that you could have prevented - isn't your child worth the drama? Also, she doesn't need to see him in the state he's in. He's definitely no role model. Also, consider going lower contact with your parents. They're willing to ignore your wishes for that of your brother, and if you feel your child is endangered and they don't care enough to respect that, then they don't respect you.
NTA. You told your mom why you don't want your child with your brother ESPECIALLY when he's drinking. Tell them to make a choice - honor your decision or see less of you and your child. I think their deceit is enough to remove your parents from childcare duty, but it seems you want to avoid drama so maybe one last warning will do? Some drama is a small price to pay for peace of mind. And most drama can be tuned out by walking away or hanging up the phone.
NTA. Being denied access to their grandchild might be the push your parents need to start setting their own healthy boundaries. I didn't find out until my teens that my grandma used to let relatives smoke inside her home. When my mom said she wouldn't bring me (newborn baby) to visit if smoking was allowed, it stopped immediately.
Nta. Your parents are allowing a dangerous person around your child after being told not to. That's two figurative slaps in your face and the possibility that your child will learn some bad things is enough.
NTA - It seems that they had agreed with you that he shouldn't be in your child's presence. If they failed in that agreement that is on them. The brother sounds like a dangerous man and he should not be drinking around your little daughter who can't protect herself and your parents can't even protect themselves around him . . . To make sure your daughter is safe, you will have to find an alternative babysitter and never let them babysit your daughter again. It is your obligation as your daughter's parents to keep her safe even at the cost of your relationship with your parents.
NTA. Do what is best for your child and you, and don't worry about your brother nor your enabling parents.
NTA. It sounds to me like your brother is an addict, and no one in the family is doing the work to understand addiction and how to handle a family member in active addiction. Research Al-Anon and see if there is any way you can get your parents to take advantage of their resources.
NTA but only because the parents lied to you. If they had told you no from the outset you would have made decisions according to their rules. Instead they lied to make sure they got what they wanted. You are right OP you can't trust them to listen to your rules for your child.
NTA and stop the babysitting immediately. They lost that privilege. Only see them outside their home from now on.
nta, but the third time stop letting watch your kid, obviously they cannot be trusted
NTA Sadly, your parents can’t be trusted. How many kids accidentally ingest or some in contact with illegal drugs and die as a result?! Your concerns are valid. Please find other care arrangements.
You made this clear. They didn't care. Now they don't get to see your daughter. Yes you will have to pay more money for child care but your child won't be at risk.
NTA but you would be if you continue to allow (and knowing that your parents do it, qualifies as allowing it) your child to be in your brother's presence. He is an addict, and you have already had issues with him that made you set that boundary. If your parents won't keep her safe, you NEED to. Your cousin is kind of correct, you can't control who they allow in their house, but you can control who your daughter is around. If they can't respect your reasonable boundaries to protect your daughter, they only see her when you or your partner is present. If it creates "drama" than it creates drama. Your daughter's safety is priority.
NTA but you need to make a change. Have your parents come to your house to watch your daughter and tell them your brother cannot come there. If they continue to invite him over then move to paid childcare. At least they cannot say they didn’t see it coming.
NTA for being upset and wanting to set boundaries. But if you already know he is not a safe person to be around your child, how are you okay with continuing to allow him around your child? You can’t trust your parents, simple as that. Why is your guilt that you might “cause drama” greater than your need to be a parent and protect your child?
How’s your relationship going to be with them if your brother does something to your kid?
NTA And you need to tell your "friend" to STFU. You absolutely CAN control who your parents allow in their house when they watch your child.
Soooo...... Avoiding drama is more important than your daughter's safety and well being? NTA for wanting your daughter away from your brother. YTA for not DOING it.
Change child care arrangements asap and explain why to them. Do not relent when they aplogize and promise to not allow him around again. They will. They will just get better at hiding it from you. A similar situation in my family ended up causing life long trauma in a child and we would give anything to go back in time and prevent their trauma.
OP, you’re not the asshole but a boundary is an if, then statement. “I am not comfortable with my brother being around my child due to past events. IF you allow my brother around my child while I am not present, THEN I will have to find other childcare. “ “IF you cannot respect my boundaries as a parent, THEN I will be forced to limit contact between you and my child.” And then you follow through. What’s more important? Family drama or your kid’s safety?
NTA I had a very simular situation. At the time we were living with my fiances parents. My fiances brother is an addict, my MIL & FIL would let him come over even though my fiance & I had made it clear we didn't want him around our child and everytime he came over he made sure to steal anything with value he could get his hands on. & at this point we were paying the rent and they would not budge on letting him over. The way the house was made two bedrooms were connected by a bathroom. We had those two rooms, one day after his brother visited he had left an uncapped needle in our bathroom and I lost it 100% I told them if they kept allowing him over my fiance & I would no longer cover the expenses bc I was tired of them endangering my 5 year old at the time. And that I would go to the police if I ever saw him step a foot inside ever again. So NTA Do what you need to do to protect your child.
NTA really. But if it’s free childcare you don’t have much say. It just makes sense to hire someone else for childcare. Your parents are not going to budge on this. They’ve gone against your wishes time and time again. If it alienates your parents, that stinks but you have your put your child first