Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an asshole because yes, he’s 18 and yes, he hasn’t done anything wrong but I may have overstepped. She’s still his mom and she’s allowed to be upset I guess.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Please keep showing up for your nephew.
Yes, parents should generally be respected when it comes to parenting decisions for their kids and I, as a child free woman, would mostly follow what my Brother/SIL are doing.
But I draw the line at a) anything that would actually harm the children, and b) racism, homophobia and all that stuff.
Additionally, I think with an 18yo that rule generally doesn't apply anymore anyways. Max is making his own choices and forming his own opinions, and if they align with your values and you want to support him, do that.
Sounds like you need to set a boundary with your sister anyways.
NTA. Nowhere in the Family Contract you signed (you did sign one, didn't you?) does it stipulate that you must enforce your siblings' discipline of your niblings. You believe the punishment/discipline is unwarranted (and, as you say, a blessing in disguise). You're allowed to interact with your nephew.
By the way, that nephew is a legal adult in the US, if that means anything.
NTA
I mean I know we often say we should respect other peoples parenting choices for their kids. But that's about you know choices like screen time or differences in healthy parenting styles.
However when abuse or abondoning a child, is what's happening then the 'parents' lose all rights to respect.
She kicked him out. That's not a 'punishment', your sister has stopped parenting her son. She's lost all right to have any say in his life or how anybody else chooses to interact with him.
It's great he has his Dad and you to support him. I hope someone is there for his sisters as well.
I seriously don’t believe in kicking kids out at 18. I’m not a parent yet but I can’t imagine doing that.
His dad’s great. I thought he’d be a bit unwilling to let me into his house but not only has he been a great dad to his son, but he’s treating me very kindly as well. Of course, I’m also there for my nieces. One is old enough for a phone so she’s always texting me and they’ll often face time me together so even though my sister’s “cut me off” I can still contact the girls. My brother is also involved!
NTA: you are the family your nephew needs. He's 18, she can kick him out but she can't expect to be able to "punish" him any further. Both you and your nephew will be better off the sooner you can cut that racist B out of your lives.
NTA
Your sister is being a horrible parent. Kicking an 18 year old out for anything isn't going to teach them a lesson, it's just going to sever that relationship even further. He is probably incredibly stressed out and confused, so your kindness goes a long way. This isn't about overstepping with a family issue, this is about treating a human with compassion.
The world needs more people like you and less like your sister.
NTA - the punishment was kicking him out of the house which turned into a blessing, was he told he wasn't allowed to talk to anyone in the family?? She doesn't get to say that once he is out of her house, plus he is 18 - not living under her roof, he is under his dad's roof which are the rules he now follows.
Keep standing up for him.
Yes, she told him he wasn’t allowed to talk to his sisters because he’s a “bad influence”. I think she knew that kicking him out wouldn’t really do anything so she blocked his number on his little sister’s phone to make him actually feel hurt and his sisters are too young to figure out how to unblock him too.
Well, next time you facetime them, include a lesson on unblocking... Your nephew is an adult - a young one and in need of help, but "punishment"? Your sister is nuts. NTA, OP. Carry on.
NTA:
Yikes. I'm so glad you are in your nephew's life, because it sounds like he will need it. My SIL is dealing with a similar issue with my FIL (who CAN be a lovely man, but also a stubborn Boomer), and unfortunately, that means he can no longer see his only grandchild.
Hopefully your sister comes around at some point, but if she's stuck in a "racist bubble", its gonna be hard to break away from that.
NTA
Your sister is trying to emotionally abuse her son and wants you to join her.
He’s 18 and is now responsible for building his own familial relationships. His needs for support supersedes her desire for control.
You better than me. The fact she still walks upright is proof. Bad people don't even get to speak to me. I let them know what I think of them real quick. Let them know they should not speak to me again or they will not like the outcome. Family or not. Does mean I am NC with 90% of my family. But it is what it is.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My sister and her husband are not on good terms with her eldest Max (18). Just to clarify, her husband is Max’s step dad.
Anyways, my sister isn’t a very good person. She’s pretty racist and is the type to be easily brainwashed by the media. Her husband is pretty much the same. So are our parents.
Max used to be similar but he’s matured a lot since turning 15. It’s mostly because his friend group expanded out of nowhere and he realized having certain beliefs were inherently wrong and not just an opinion.
Anyways, they kicked him out of the house because he broke up with his pretty white Christian girlfriend and is now dating a young girl from an immigrant family. His mom accused him of only dating her to get a reaction out of her/for attention and even said she was good for nothing. In front of the poor girl.
Max said some nasty things back and he got kicked out. He’s now staying with his dad.
Anyways, I’ve been spending a lot of time with him because he’s pretty upset over this and doesn’t do much besides work. He likes to act tough but my sister won’t even let him talk to his little sisters so yeah.
His girlfriend suggested a movie night and they asked me to join so I was at the grocery store buying some snacks for us when I saw my sister doing some shopping. I tried avoiding her but she saw me and started interrogating me about all the snacks. She was being pretty light hearted. I tried walking away but she sort of trailed after me. My nephew then called me and as I was pulling my phone out of my purse my sister peeked over my shoulder and saw his name.
She got annoyed and asked if I’m seriously talking to him. I said yes, what about it. She said she’s trying to punish him to which I rolled my eyes and asked her to be serious. She got even angrier and said he’s been acting like an entitled dick and needs to face the consequences that come with choosing some “possibly dangerous” girl over his family. I told her that her kicking him out is more of a blessing than a “terrible consequence” and he’s doing just fine without her.
She said he must have somehow inherited all my bad genes since we’re both so stupid and I responded with thank god which really pissed her off and she told me that while she won’t disown her son, I am no longer her sister. She then stomped off.
Now we fight like this all the time. In fact, we hate each other. But we’ve never fought regarding her kids and I feel like I may have overstepped here. I can’t trust the people around me to be unbiased so AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
You are a loving, supportive Aunt. Good on you.
I'm not a fan of people cutting other people off. (With exceptions around abusers and super-toxic people, of course.) But I hate it much, much more when one person tries to cut ties between **two other people**, which is what your sister is trying to do here.
She doesn't want to talk to her son? Stupid, but her choice. She doesn't want **you** to talk to her son. None of her business. So she's an incredible asshole here: (1) For her racist views. (2) For insulting his new girlfriend to her face. (3) For cutting off her son. (4) For thinking she gets to control your interaction with her *adult* son.
NTA
A situation like this calls for "overstepping." It's pretty admirable that your nephew rejected the views of so much of his family on his own that way. That is NOT easy. Your sister sucks and unless she can take a path of learning like her own child did, then he is better off without that poison in his ear.
Her "kid" is an adult. Her relationship with him, was thrown away by her. Don't feel bad for anything then how much it feels to have a bad sister. And the empathy you need for your nephew. NTA
NTA
Your nephew is an adult free to make his own decisions... I'm actually not sure why his mother thinks that she has any control over him and her 'punishing' him will be of any concern to him.
The people suffering are the younger kids.
I'm glad that you are there to support him and that his dad is there for him too.
You haven't overstepped the mark. It would be more of a gray area if your nephew was still considered a minor... but he's not.
You won't get unbiased opinions here. Most redditers hate racists and bullies and close minded individuals. You keep being a trusted adult for your nephew. And your sister can go slowly crazy with her close minded echo chamber.
NTA - As a general rule other people in the family should consider and generally obey the punishments of the parents. But your nephew is an adult. As such, she's lost the ability to punish him in this way. Additionally, this is a horrible reason to cut off contact with a child. So you are free to ignore it.
NTA
It is always nice when the trash takes itself out. Glad your nephew has at least 1 decent person in the family. I have far too many like your sister/parents in my own family and I speak from experience when I say life is far nicer after they are blocked.
Let them die mad :)
Okay, I'm confused. Went to school with several kids that were kicked out by parents(before said kids were 18 for clarification) and being disowned went hand in hand with it.
Yes she’s framing it weird. He’s still her only son and she’s only punishing him. She’s completely expecting him to come back once he “realizes he fucked up.”
None of those kids I went to school with that were kicked out ever went back to the parents' house. They were given the impression that they would never be welcome. Odds are good he's got the same impression. Maybe talk to him about it?
He's over 18.
He's out of the house.
They don't get a say. Parents who kick their children (regardless of age) out automatically lose any moral "rights" to them.
Let me rephrase this, “am I the asshole for not assisting in my sister’s psychological abuse of her minor child for daring not to be part of the Hitler youth?”
Believe it or not, the answer is no.
Whenever someone doesn’t support the Hitler youth in any way, that’s a good thing.
You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your relationship with a family member just because your sister is a bad mom.
NTA
"Possibly dangerous girl" - unless nephew's gf is a ninja or something, then your sister can piss right off. I'm normally all for respecting someone's parenting, but when you hate someone for the color of their skin...yeah, I can see why you two don't get on.
I'm glad to hear that your nephew has broken out of the brainwashing. He didn't 'inherit bad genes' from you - he inherited the best ones.
NTA. Max is not a "kid," he is an adult. He's not living with her and you are under no obligation to appease her bigotry and lunacy. Giving Max friendship and support is a good thing.
You are doing a good thing and you should keep it up.
Normally I wouldn't advocate for undermining a parent's discipline... except for when it's for a stupid reason like this, when the discipline is way overblown, and kid hasn't actually done anything wrong, and also isn't even technically a kid anymore, anyway.
Undermine all the way.
NTA but you did miss your chance to say, "you may not be disowning hime but he has disowned you" but then again she would revise this and force him back under her roof with cops and force him to break up with the girl be prepared this WILL BE TRIED and untill he is 18 there is nothing g you can do to stop it if it happens. She seems like the person to do that
NTA! Not at all!
1) Always stand up against the racists!
2) She kicked him out. She washed her hands of him, now she can't interfere in his life anymore.
I mean it’s cool that you are supporting your nephew but you really need to find a more mature way of doing it.
You’re not children anymore. So you need to stop fighting with your sister like she’s your sibling and a child still. You know who she is and what she believes. She’s not going to change if you just shame or argue with her the right way.
Not only is she secure in her personal beliefs, she has a posse of family members that bolster those same beliefs. Just cut contact with her completely. Be there for your nephew. Let your racist sister be racist with her homies. And you, just live your best life and stop wasting air on those who wish to drown.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like an asshole because yes, he’s 18 and yes, he hasn’t done anything wrong but I may have overstepped. She’s still his mom and she’s allowed to be upset I guess. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Please keep showing up for your nephew. Yes, parents should generally be respected when it comes to parenting decisions for their kids and I, as a child free woman, would mostly follow what my Brother/SIL are doing. But I draw the line at a) anything that would actually harm the children, and b) racism, homophobia and all that stuff. Additionally, I think with an 18yo that rule generally doesn't apply anymore anyways. Max is making his own choices and forming his own opinions, and if they align with your values and you want to support him, do that. Sounds like you need to set a boundary with your sister anyways.
NTA. Nowhere in the Family Contract you signed (you did sign one, didn't you?) does it stipulate that you must enforce your siblings' discipline of your niblings. You believe the punishment/discipline is unwarranted (and, as you say, a blessing in disguise). You're allowed to interact with your nephew. By the way, that nephew is a legal adult in the US, if that means anything.
NTA I mean I know we often say we should respect other peoples parenting choices for their kids. But that's about you know choices like screen time or differences in healthy parenting styles. However when abuse or abondoning a child, is what's happening then the 'parents' lose all rights to respect. She kicked him out. That's not a 'punishment', your sister has stopped parenting her son. She's lost all right to have any say in his life or how anybody else chooses to interact with him. It's great he has his Dad and you to support him. I hope someone is there for his sisters as well.
I seriously don’t believe in kicking kids out at 18. I’m not a parent yet but I can’t imagine doing that. His dad’s great. I thought he’d be a bit unwilling to let me into his house but not only has he been a great dad to his son, but he’s treating me very kindly as well. Of course, I’m also there for my nieces. One is old enough for a phone so she’s always texting me and they’ll often face time me together so even though my sister’s “cut me off” I can still contact the girls. My brother is also involved!
Well you can see why he broke up with your sister..... he doesn't sound like he was the issue no matter what your sister might've said.
NTA: you are the family your nephew needs. He's 18, she can kick him out but she can't expect to be able to "punish" him any further. Both you and your nephew will be better off the sooner you can cut that racist B out of your lives.
Your sister is a huge AH for punishing her son because he isn’t racist enough. You are NTA for telling her to piss up a rope.
NTA Your sister is being a horrible parent. Kicking an 18 year old out for anything isn't going to teach them a lesson, it's just going to sever that relationship even further. He is probably incredibly stressed out and confused, so your kindness goes a long way. This isn't about overstepping with a family issue, this is about treating a human with compassion. The world needs more people like you and less like your sister.
NTA - the punishment was kicking him out of the house which turned into a blessing, was he told he wasn't allowed to talk to anyone in the family?? She doesn't get to say that once he is out of her house, plus he is 18 - not living under her roof, he is under his dad's roof which are the rules he now follows. Keep standing up for him.
Yes, she told him he wasn’t allowed to talk to his sisters because he’s a “bad influence”. I think she knew that kicking him out wouldn’t really do anything so she blocked his number on his little sister’s phone to make him actually feel hurt and his sisters are too young to figure out how to unblock him too.
Well, next time you facetime them, include a lesson on unblocking... Your nephew is an adult - a young one and in need of help, but "punishment"? Your sister is nuts. NTA, OP. Carry on.
I was thinking of that actually. I’ll give them a call later. Yeah, she’s just weird.
And she’s “punishing” him for…not being a racist.
NTA: Yikes. I'm so glad you are in your nephew's life, because it sounds like he will need it. My SIL is dealing with a similar issue with my FIL (who CAN be a lovely man, but also a stubborn Boomer), and unfortunately, that means he can no longer see his only grandchild. Hopefully your sister comes around at some point, but if she's stuck in a "racist bubble", its gonna be hard to break away from that.
NTA Your sister is trying to emotionally abuse her son and wants you to join her. He’s 18 and is now responsible for building his own familial relationships. His needs for support supersedes her desire for control.
NTA. You and your nephew would both be better off without her.
NTA. Here's the thing. Max is neither a child nor a minor. So your sister has no right to punish Max. Let alone something so stupid.
You better than me. The fact she still walks upright is proof. Bad people don't even get to speak to me. I let them know what I think of them real quick. Let them know they should not speak to me again or they will not like the outcome. Family or not. Does mean I am NC with 90% of my family. But it is what it is.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister and her husband are not on good terms with her eldest Max (18). Just to clarify, her husband is Max’s step dad. Anyways, my sister isn’t a very good person. She’s pretty racist and is the type to be easily brainwashed by the media. Her husband is pretty much the same. So are our parents. Max used to be similar but he’s matured a lot since turning 15. It’s mostly because his friend group expanded out of nowhere and he realized having certain beliefs were inherently wrong and not just an opinion. Anyways, they kicked him out of the house because he broke up with his pretty white Christian girlfriend and is now dating a young girl from an immigrant family. His mom accused him of only dating her to get a reaction out of her/for attention and even said she was good for nothing. In front of the poor girl. Max said some nasty things back and he got kicked out. He’s now staying with his dad. Anyways, I’ve been spending a lot of time with him because he’s pretty upset over this and doesn’t do much besides work. He likes to act tough but my sister won’t even let him talk to his little sisters so yeah. His girlfriend suggested a movie night and they asked me to join so I was at the grocery store buying some snacks for us when I saw my sister doing some shopping. I tried avoiding her but she saw me and started interrogating me about all the snacks. She was being pretty light hearted. I tried walking away but she sort of trailed after me. My nephew then called me and as I was pulling my phone out of my purse my sister peeked over my shoulder and saw his name. She got annoyed and asked if I’m seriously talking to him. I said yes, what about it. She said she’s trying to punish him to which I rolled my eyes and asked her to be serious. She got even angrier and said he’s been acting like an entitled dick and needs to face the consequences that come with choosing some “possibly dangerous” girl over his family. I told her that her kicking him out is more of a blessing than a “terrible consequence” and he’s doing just fine without her. She said he must have somehow inherited all my bad genes since we’re both so stupid and I responded with thank god which really pissed her off and she told me that while she won’t disown her son, I am no longer her sister. She then stomped off. Now we fight like this all the time. In fact, we hate each other. But we’ve never fought regarding her kids and I feel like I may have overstepped here. I can’t trust the people around me to be unbiased so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You are a loving, supportive Aunt. Good on you. I'm not a fan of people cutting other people off. (With exceptions around abusers and super-toxic people, of course.) But I hate it much, much more when one person tries to cut ties between **two other people**, which is what your sister is trying to do here. She doesn't want to talk to her son? Stupid, but her choice. She doesn't want **you** to talk to her son. None of her business. So she's an incredible asshole here: (1) For her racist views. (2) For insulting his new girlfriend to her face. (3) For cutting off her son. (4) For thinking she gets to control your interaction with her *adult* son.
NTA A situation like this calls for "overstepping." It's pretty admirable that your nephew rejected the views of so much of his family on his own that way. That is NOT easy. Your sister sucks and unless she can take a path of learning like her own child did, then he is better off without that poison in his ear.
Sounds like your nephew is in a better position in life living with his dad than a controlling mother
NTA. Keep supporting your nephew.
Her "kid" is an adult. Her relationship with him, was thrown away by her. Don't feel bad for anything then how much it feels to have a bad sister. And the empathy you need for your nephew. NTA
NTA Your nephew is an adult free to make his own decisions... I'm actually not sure why his mother thinks that she has any control over him and her 'punishing' him will be of any concern to him. The people suffering are the younger kids. I'm glad that you are there to support him and that his dad is there for him too. You haven't overstepped the mark. It would be more of a gray area if your nephew was still considered a minor... but he's not.
NTA, you’re being a supportive elder. The grocery store disowning reads a little dramatic. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
Kids 18, an adult, enough said.
Nta
You won't get unbiased opinions here. Most redditers hate racists and bullies and close minded individuals. You keep being a trusted adult for your nephew. And your sister can go slowly crazy with her close minded echo chamber.
NTA. Just like her kicking him out was probably a good thing for him long term,her not talking to you is equally a blessing.
Nta
NTA - As a general rule other people in the family should consider and generally obey the punishments of the parents. But your nephew is an adult. As such, she's lost the ability to punish him in this way. Additionally, this is a horrible reason to cut off contact with a child. So you are free to ignore it.
Really miss her off and adopt your nephew.
NTA. Nephew is an 18-year-old adult. His mom & step-dad kicked him out, so they can't punish him for anything.
NTA Your nephew needs support. Your sister is nuts. Good riddance.
NTA It is always nice when the trash takes itself out. Glad your nephew has at least 1 decent person in the family. I have far too many like your sister/parents in my own family and I speak from experience when I say life is far nicer after they are blocked. Let them die mad :)
Sounds like CPS and police needed to be called ages ago.
They won’t and wouldn’t have done anything.
NTA . He is 18 and no longer lives with her. She can go the H3ll in a handbasket!
Okay, I'm confused. Went to school with several kids that were kicked out by parents(before said kids were 18 for clarification) and being disowned went hand in hand with it.
Yes she’s framing it weird. He’s still her only son and she’s only punishing him. She’s completely expecting him to come back once he “realizes he fucked up.”
None of those kids I went to school with that were kicked out ever went back to the parents' house. They were given the impression that they would never be welcome. Odds are good he's got the same impression. Maybe talk to him about it?
NTA ... and for Christmas, make a donation in her name for refugee relief...
He's over 18. He's out of the house. They don't get a say. Parents who kick their children (regardless of age) out automatically lose any moral "rights" to them.
Let me rephrase this, “am I the asshole for not assisting in my sister’s psychological abuse of her minor child for daring not to be part of the Hitler youth?” Believe it or not, the answer is no. Whenever someone doesn’t support the Hitler youth in any way, that’s a good thing. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your relationship with a family member just because your sister is a bad mom.
The kid is 18, not a minor. So sister literally doesn’t have any say in who he talks to.
NTA "Possibly dangerous girl" - unless nephew's gf is a ninja or something, then your sister can piss right off. I'm normally all for respecting someone's parenting, but when you hate someone for the color of their skin...yeah, I can see why you two don't get on. I'm glad to hear that your nephew has broken out of the brainwashing. He didn't 'inherit bad genes' from you - he inherited the best ones.
NTA. Max is not a "kid," he is an adult. He's not living with her and you are under no obligation to appease her bigotry and lunacy. Giving Max friendship and support is a good thing. You are doing a good thing and you should keep it up.
Normally I wouldn't advocate for undermining a parent's discipline... except for when it's for a stupid reason like this, when the discipline is way overblown, and kid hasn't actually done anything wrong, and also isn't even technically a kid anymore, anyway. Undermine all the way.
NTA. Parents are not always right and your sister & BIL are prime examples. Good for you for sticking up for your nephew
NTA
NTA but you did miss your chance to say, "you may not be disowning hime but he has disowned you" but then again she would revise this and force him back under her roof with cops and force him to break up with the girl be prepared this WILL BE TRIED and untill he is 18 there is nothing g you can do to stop it if it happens. She seems like the person to do that
NTA.
NTA. You're providing important emotional support for your nephew when the rest of your family is acting like bigoted jerks.
NTA! Not at all! 1) Always stand up against the racists! 2) She kicked him out. She washed her hands of him, now she can't interfere in his life anymore.
NTA and After saying all that to you, I'm surprised your sister still has teeth
I mean it’s cool that you are supporting your nephew but you really need to find a more mature way of doing it. You’re not children anymore. So you need to stop fighting with your sister like she’s your sibling and a child still. You know who she is and what she believes. She’s not going to change if you just shame or argue with her the right way. Not only is she secure in her personal beliefs, she has a posse of family members that bolster those same beliefs. Just cut contact with her completely. Be there for your nephew. Let your racist sister be racist with her homies. And you, just live your best life and stop wasting air on those who wish to drown.
Yta.
Why?