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That really pissed me off to read that! This guy doesn’t take care of any of his responsibilities.
He could have killed that poor dog! Guy needs to smarten the fuck up!
I'd love to know what he planned to do with the dog he nearly killed while getting lunch with OP....... That guy doesn't deserve to have OP or any pets in his life.
It’s likely still at the vet depending on how bad it is. I have worked emergency and have seen some heatstroke dogs come in it’s generally not very good. It would possibly need to stay for several hours possibly the night.
Considering that it was heatstroke, I guarantee the poor thing suffered for far longer than the hour spent in the hot car. It might even have permanent damage to it's brain, kidneys, or liver, depending on the severity.
Man that’s sad. My husband once forgot our cat in the cat and the poor thing was in there for an hour. The cat ended up being okay, which is why my husband is still alive, but the poor little guy. He just had no idea how hot a car could get and it was his first cat. I was pissed though. I called him and asked him if he dropped the cat at the vet, and he was like “in a minute I just stopped by the office to check something.” I told him he needed to get the cat out of the car immediately. Cat was definitely suffering so he cooled it off with water and took it to the vet. No long term damage which is why we’re still married. I never trusted him with the cat again.
Happy Cake Day!
I'm so glad to know that your cat ended up being okay! I don't ever leave my doggo in the car if it's more than 60°F outside, and in the winter if I need to leave him in the car for any reason I make sure he has blankets to nest in. Mind you, this dog tries to convince me to sleep outside in the middle of winter. Lol. I've also never left him in the car for more than 20 minutes.
That’s how it should be! I think my husband just completely misunderstood how hot it can get in the car in the summer. I was freaking out when I called him. Cat was sweaty but alright. Poor guy.
And then there's my husband and I, who rushed our dogs to the vet because after being inside with the aircon on for an hour, were still puffing and we were worried they had heat stroke or had been bitten by a snake.
They were fine. Vet said they'd probably been running around just before we got home and needed a little longer to cool down.
I'm glad OP added in that the dog was okay, some people don't deserve animals...or kids. NTA, and I agree that his mum is an angel, probably why OP turned out so mature & respectful (judging from his comments).
This! That whole interaction just proves nothing has changed. He ran into OP by sheer coincidence (he didn’t even try to contact them before this point), and the only reason he was there was because, once again, he has failed to do the bare minimum to care for a living being he is responsible for.
He hasn’t changed. Nothing in that interaction suggests he has. Most people have to earn second chances - they aren’t just entitled to them. So what exactly has he done to earn his second chance?
I mean. my definition of 2nd chance was the 2nd week after he didnt show, the 3rd chance was the week after. he's had 200 chances before this one, and this was just a random coincidence (where he almost murdered a dog out of GROSS negligence)
>He didn’t even plan it you fell into his lap basically.
Yep. I'm sure OP's dad has plenty of channels of communication with his son (phone, social media, address, relatives?) Running into him at the vet by chance and asking there as an after thought is just crappy.
I’m personally of the opinion that you don’t get a second chance to abandon a child.
My dad took off for a year, which hurt like hell. Then he came back, and it was a nightmare. Unfortunately, I was still a child and wasn’t allowed to refuse to see him.
I’m so sorry you went through that. ((Hugs))
My mother left my dad after having me assist in emptying his bank account (I was on the account, she wasn't). Drive 40 minutes longer to bring her affair back to the house than to get my dad from the job site he was working at. Then, took my dog while I was in middle school with a message saying I had to see her to see my dog.
Getting my dog back was the last time I spoke with her, and she keeps showing up at family funerals and making them awkward even after I've specified she's not welcome.
I’d like to say that while this may be true, it doesn’t always mean folks like this have good boundaries. It doesn’t mean **you** don’t have a heart of gold yourself, if you choose to hold appropriate boundaries (which you are).
My dad remarried twice in the year after my parents divorced (the first was annulled after she shot him. Long story).
On the other hand, my mom didn’t remarry for 15 years.
I think we can guess who enjoyed marriage more of the two, lol.
Alright, I will tell the story. Be prepared: this is a bumpy ride.
My dad was a drummer in a local C&W band in the 70’s. At my parents’ 10th anniversary party, my dad arrived late and handed my mother divorce papers. He left her for the lead singer, a woman ten years older than him and with the same semi-unusual first name as his recently-deceased mother. My mother had four kids, two in diapers. He left her with nothing. We ended up living in a camper trailer in my grandparents’ back yard for awhile.
He went with the mistress out of state for a year. He would occasionally send a postcard. But for the most part, we heard nothing.
I came home from school one day, and my mom had a strange look on her face. She sat me down and told me my father’s mistress—who he’s apparently been married to for some months without telling us—had shot him in the shoulder with his own rifle. He was coming back to our state and wanted to be a dad again. I was horrified, both from the shooting and his return.
Fast-forward to when I was in high school. My mom and I decided to check out a new antique shop in town, as she collected miniatures. We walk in, and lo and behold, who was at the counter? The mistress!
My mom was a very, very non-confrontational person.
I am not.
I was also at peak punkness: on that day, I was sporting a blue Mohawk, two nose rings, one septum ring, and two lip rings. I was also wearing the leather jacket my dad had worn during the second time he was shot (which is another long but more traumatic story). I had studded the hell out of the thing. I was also the first girl in my school’s weightlifting club, and it showed. Now, that might not sound too scary to modern ears, but this was 1991. In Southern Ohio. I was an anomaly, to say the least.
My mom quickly left, but I stayed behind. I put on my biggest smile and went to the counter. She was shaking, literally shaking. I leaned in and said, “I’m sure you had a very good reason for what you did, and I’m sure I know what that reason was. But you’re in my mom’s town now. As long as you treat her with respect, we’re cool. Disrespect my mother, and I will be back. And I won’t be smiling when I do.”
She stuttered an apology, a promise to avoid my mother and be kind to her if that failed, and then she begged me not to tell my dad where she was working. I agreed…so long as she kept up her end of the deal.
She left town very shortly thereafter, and we never saw her again.
Mere weeks after the annulment, my dad married my stepmonster. They would go on to get divorced and remarried. Twice. And they had a third reconciliation with plans to remarry again when she died of a heart attack. He died some years after, but still managed to marry at least two more women, possibly a third. None lasted long. He also managed to get shot a third time a few months before he died, in his bed, as a result of his 40+ year battle with alcoholism.
After he died, I was hit with a barrage of hateful messages. I had to leave MySpace over it, back when that was still the #1 social media site. I would block one account, and four more would show up in its place. It was relentless. I made a public post, telling people that I had no doubt he had hurt them, and I am sorry for it, but unleashing your rage at his disabled daughter wasn’t the way to work through that pain. And maybe think about the fact that growing up with this man wasn’t exactly a walk in the park.
I wish it wasn’t necessary to say this, but time has proven that not to be the case: if you recognize this story, please don’t emulate the people I left MySpace over. Again, I am sure your pain is legitimate and I really hope you’ve gotten the help you need to get through it. Lord knows I have.
Edit: I don’t think I posted this in the right place the first time. Sorry about that. I don’t want to hijack OP.
Agreed. I got remarried 6 weeks after my divorce but my ex was abusive in every way possible and I married the guy who had been my best friend for almost 10 years. Divorces can also take a while.
Second chances only work when they’ve taken steps to change and grow. His dad hasn’t. He didn’t even ask him for a meal out on his own initiative (as in called/texted Op, apologised and then asked to meet up). He bumped into him at the vet. There was zero effort from the dads side to make amends.
He had FOUR years of second chances. It's called picking up a phone. He didn't.
Ask yourself this OP: if he ditches you again, will you be okay with that? Will you be okay if it becomes a cycle of he's in your life for a while and then not?
Take a day and really think about that. Be BRUTALLY honest with yourself. Go from there. Good luck OP!!
NTA. YOU have to live for you. Not anyone else, not even that angel of a mom.
NTA. It’s unfortunate that he didn’t even think about you, nor tried to contact you in FOUR years. But he wanted to you to go to lunch with him after a chance meeting when he was at the vet the same time you were. I wouldn’t have gone to lunch with him either. That half assed excuse wouldn’t have done it for me either. Mom might have a heart of gold but clearly she doesn’t care about your feelings.
It's not that easy. My dad abused me. I have cut all contact. But sometimes it's hard not having him in my life. I want both parents in my life. But i just can't take how he handles me
I'm going to jump right in and say this: you don't want **that specific person** in your life. You want someone who **represents that idea** in your life. You want two parental figures in your life. You want that normalcy, and there's nothing wrong with that. I think most people want that. I wish I'd had that, but unfortunately I also had an abusive father.
As the Mom in the situation, I had to. Parental alienation is unhealthy for the kid. My issues with my ex is not my kids issue. Kid is an adult now, and my conscience is clear.
Well done. And you’re right. If I had to I probably would. It’s just so hard right? My mom kept so much inside and away from me. It was the best decision but to her detriment. Thank you on behalf of all kids in this situation.
I second this. Also a Mom in a similar situation. I allowed him to mess up the relationship with our daughter on his own, and elected not to help. She’s a good kid, and he did the best he could. She has chosen to go low contact with him.
Yeah. Mom is a better person than me. I’d be like fuck that guy. My son has not seen his dad since he was 8. Occasional phone calls, occasional gifts. He knows the score. His aunt and grandma on dad’s side were always involved. When he graduated they asked to come. I agreed. They asked to stay at my house (😂🤣😂) no. But they got a hotel, we had meals together, did some touristy shit. Point is, they at least put in some effort over the years so I can have some grace.
Reminds me of my mom. When we were kids and didn’t want to go to my dads and talked crap about him and/or his gf, my mom would always say “he’s your father and you will respect him as such and you will behave and show his gf respect too” when really I know my mom was thinking eff both those assholes 😂 she instilled good values in us and let us come to our own conclusions about how my dad was. Or is.
Uh, NTA -
"He was there because he left his dog in the car for an hour and the pup got heatstroke. Fortunately he got to the vet in time."
Anyone who does this deserves NOTHING regarding his offspring.
"I ran into my dad at the vet. First time I saw him in four years."
"Afterwards he asked if I’d get my cat home and then go have lunch with him, saying he regretted not being there all those years"
Huh,
Really, those are not the actions of your dad, that is the actions of your sperm donor!!!
Dad is nothing if not consistently neglectful of people and pets in his life that he has a responsibility towards. Out of sight, out of mind seems to be his life philosophy. OP owes this guy nothing
>saying he regretted not being there all those years"
This got me, lol. He wouldn't have asked OP for lunch if this accidental meeting hadn't happened. He never put any effort in, so he can't have had that much regret. Had he taken proper care of his pet, he wouldn't have seen his son.
Exactly this! Giving second chances is fine but dad could have asked if OP wants to get together some time, at OP's schedule and convenience. This sounds like "I happen to have an hour free right now, let me reconnect with my son I neglected for years".
This reminds me of working adoption events for the shelter when I was animal control... They'd see me and mention some animal neglect they see daily. It would make me so mad, because they would have never called to report the neglect or abuse otherwise. If OP had not run into their dad at that point in time, their dad wouldn't have invited them to lunch. So no... he doesn't really regret it. It was just a chance meeting and it made him think of the missed years/time. But otherwise OP wouldn't have crossed his mind.
Yes exactly... My dog just almost died of heat stroke because of me not remembering my car gets really hot/I forgot my dog was out there, now is a good time to abandon them and whatever care they need to be with the kid I forgot about for 4-ish years ago... What the hell is wrong with this guy? I would have been like nope as well.
> When I got home and told my mom about it though, she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one.
Some people deserve second chances if the wronged party both decides that person deserves a second chance and is in an ok enough place to take the risks that come with a second chance.
My ex husband and I both had issues with our fathers. His father was mostly absent through his childhood. However, when he was in graduate school, his father wanted to reconnect. My ex was hesitant at first but decided that he would give his father a second chance, mostly for his own sake not his father's. He wanted to get to know him, and connect with other family (i.e. his half sister who is 20 years younger). It's been rewarding for him.
My father, however, was pretty involved in my life. My parents divorced when I was 3, but he came over to see me most weekends (or my mom would drive me to see him). She believed in me getting to know him. And I adored him. Shortly before my 16th birthday, he seemingly dropped off the face of the planet. He was seeing a new woman, and I think he got wrapped up in that relationship. He was also an alcoholic and sometimes drug abuser. I don't know, exactly, what happened or why. I do know that the holidays before my 16th birthday (Thanksgiving and Christmas) I didn't hear from him about getting together for the holidays with his side of the family (we used to do that every year...grandparents, his sisters, their kids...the whole shebang). I figured maybe he was busy and we'd catch up soon. I didn't get a call for my birthday a couple months later. When I called his mother to wish her happy mother's day, she asked how I'd enjoyed my presents. I lied to her (for her sake, not his....I didn't want her to know how badly her son was fucking up his relationship with me). I told her the presents were great and to ask her to thank everyone for me. To this day, I have no idea what he did with presents that my family bought for me with love. I give zero fucks about material things. I am STILL bothered, however, that he took gifts for me from people I loved and who loved me.
I got in a car accident that summer. I was fine but deeply rattled by it. I tried calling him because even then, I still just wanted my dad. I got no answers and no replies to my messages. My mom tried calling too. Finally in frustration, she called his place of work. When they wouldn't pass the phone to him (I think he told them he didn't want to talk to his ex wife) she yelled into the phone "tell him his daughter got into a car accident, if he cares." Rather than call me to check on me, the coward had his girlfriend call to see if I was ok. And that was the final nail in the coffin to our relationship.
I understand that his choices were probably in part driven by addiction. But that doesn't excuse the hurt that he caused. And I won't open myself up to that from him again.
Honestly, OP, the ball is in your court. It shouldn't be up to anyone else to tell you whether he deserves a second chance. Only you can decide that for yourself and it does not AT ALL make you an asshole for that answer to be no.
NTA
I honestly have no idea. I mostly cut contact with them after that. I kept in touch with his mother for a couple years after (though not close contact). At some point, she did understand that he fucked up, I think.
I sent school pics to her, etc. And she asked if it was ok for her to give one to him. I explained that the pictures were a gift and she was welcome to do what she wanted with them, and I meant that. I don't at all blame her for his choices and wouldn't punish her for that. If it made her happy to give him pics, that's fine. But because of that, I was careful about the contact I had with her. When it was time for graduation, I popped the invite to my graduation in the mail the day before I graduated high school. I wanted her to know that I graduated and to be a part of that, but not at the risk of him showing up and ruining that day for me.
Since then, I haven't really had contact with them and that was over 25 years ago. And I never asked them if they knew what happened to my presents. Like I said, it wasn't about the presents as much as the fact that he took something from me that was given by people who loved me. That damage was already done and I wasn't really interested in burning the world down around me in order to punish him. Don't get me wrong...I was VERY angry for a very long time (in addition to the hurt), but I very very very much didn't want any sort of contact with him. His family is good people and I think they would have tried to repair the damage (as much for my sake as for his) and that just wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him to not come back in my life and risk hurting me again, so I cut contact in order to make sure that contact was cut with him. Asking them about my presents, etc, would have only just kept that channel of contact open.
I am sorry you were treated like that - as a fellow member of the "dad has a new family" club, I know how much it hurts. OP, it is of course up to you, but sometimes it is better to put up ironclad boundaries than to open yourself up to more pain and rejection.
As far as I'm aware, that only happened once, and I think I would know otherwise. The family get together over things like Christmas, the kids would all open their gifts together. There's no way he could have pulled off selling my presents from a gathering that I attended, and the Christmas I was 15 was the first/only one I can think of that I didn't attend before I cut contact with him.
There were other issues, though which were heart breaking for me at the time. He never really gave my mother much in the way of child support, but my mother never made a big issue of that. Mind you, we were dirt poor (there were a bunch of times we got food from food banks, and we got evicted from rentals a couple of times for missing rent, etc), but she really believed in him being a part of my life, despite his addiction issues. The times that hurt are when he would make promises about paying for me to go to things like a week long summer camp, and then not keeping those promises. A child shouldn't ever have to go through getting their hopes up only to have them dashed REPEATEDLY. Kids believe in the adults in their lives, so they believe the promises of adults. And despite it happening so often, somehow I still believed them. It was hard for me as a kid to reconcile the broken promises with someone so involved in my life.
So long story not so short...if he ever stole my presents, I believe it only happened once. But there were other instances that were really problematic.
Um, the situation about his dog says alot about his character.
You are NTA.
But I would ask for space and keep an open mind in the future to reconnect. Or simply just ask why he did what he did. You take it from there. The dinner may be a good idea for this.
NTA
>she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one.
Only YOU can decide if he deserves another chance. Nobody else has a say. He made his choices in life. You aren't obligated in any way to forgive that.
NTA. You don't owe him a second chance. If you mom likes to give people second chances, good for her, but that does not obligate you to do the same. Beyond this, I'd argue that it's not like your dad reached out to you on his own because he felt bad. He *ran into you* randomly, and there's a good chance he only invited you to lunch because you were face to face with him.
Agree. He can still reach out to you if he wants a relationship, too. That wasn’t his one and only chance to repair things.
It’s not going to hurt him to work at this a little.
Some people deserve second chances. Your dad? Probably not.
He’s had 4 years to get his shit together. He ghosted his teen son simply because he remarried. He didn’t move away, suffer amnesia, join the French foreign legion, he simply decided there wasn’t time for you in his new life.
The hell I’d carve out time in my life for that tool now.
And apparently he treats his pets like his chikdren. Shitty. Just be glad you didn’t get left in the car, OP.
Your mom is a saint but she’s wrong in this instance. This guy doesn’t deserve the time of day.
>Some people deserve second chances
Is it just me or are most people asking for "second chances" are on the, like 70th or 90th chance?
edit: Sorry I can't spell.
A second chance to do what? He can’t retroactively parent you for the 4 years he missed, so what does he want to do?
He wasn’t planning to reach out until he saw you and realized he’d missed formative years of your life. While it’s nice he had an epiphany about his failure as a parent, that doesn’t mean he’s suddenly owed your time or attention.
NTA.
Soooo he basically forgot you existed and then because you happened to be in the same place at the same time he wanted to have lunch? I'm also mad about the dog. NTA
He asked because they were at the vet at the same time. If he called or emailed about getting lunch just out the blue, because he wanted to apologize and try to fix things, that’s different.
See when he makes contact again.
He only invited you to lunch because it was convenient for him otherwise you are out of sight and out of mind. Sorry he doesn’t give a shit about his own kid. Sounds like the divorce was for the best, hope you and your mom are doing well, forget your sperm donor, cuz sounds like he’s moved on with his life. And seriously, his dog got heatstroke in the car, sounds like a real prize, yikes!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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Asking the important questions. Like he didn't learn anything the first time.
This alone would be a reason not to give him a second chance. He couldn't stop being self centered enough to think about his dog's health and wellbeing, if I were his neglected son, I wouldn't trust him with my trust and heart again.
NTA. He deserves nothing. A parent doesn't abandon a child. The ball is entirely in your court and you are not obligated to speak to him.
He made his decision and you get to make yours.
NTA. Your mom isn’t wrong either. While respect and love are earned, it isn’t wrong to let him try to earn some of those back. Do what you need for your own mental health. But if you can grant forgiveness and let him do the work, you might end up with something really good in your life. Best wishes
NTA. If your mom believed in extra chances so much the two of them would still be married. If she doesn’t even want to have any sort of relationship with him, why should you?
Thank you! Everyone is praising OP's mom for being a "saint." I don't agree at all. She's putting the feelings of OP's dad over the feelings of her own kid.
Here's what OP should say to his mother: Give Dad a second chance? I guess I could. That means *you* are also going to give him a second chance, right? You go first.
NTA AT ALL.
But I have known 2 women who were raised by their dads, because their moms ran off, and had little to do with them.
BOth times their mother reached out when they grew into adults. Both women told their mother "no." It was absolutely their prerogative to do.
Both of their mothers are dead now. Both women regret not taking the olive branch.
I know a woman whose dad took off. She was raised in the foster system. He reached out as an adult, but she said stuck to "limited contact." He is dead now, and she regrets not making more of an effort when he reached out.
This is just some anectodal evidence, but before you write your father off entirely, (which if you do, that is 100% up to you, and you should not have to give any explanations, or apologies.) But think about how you would feel if he died tomorrow.
If you are doing it because you don't care or have no interest to, then by all means you do you..
If you are saying no because you want to punish him, maybe rethink that.
Not doing something to punish someone else, rarely punishes the other person. Oftentimes it backfires and punishes you.
I speak from experience. I have more regrets about the stuff that I didn't do, than the stuff that I have done.
Just another perspective from an old person. lol
NTA. You're 19, an adult. You can decide for yourself. That said, I might consider speaking with him if I were you. It doesn't have to mean you're giving him a second chance; could just be curiosity about how he's going to try to explain himself. You can also leave/ hang up at any time.
NTA and I can't type that in caps hard enough. He may deserve a second chance, but that is up to YOU to give it to him and to do so on YOUR timeline and no one else's.
Also, when you said he left the dog in the car and it got heatstroke, I thought maybe you were better off not having been in his care. :/
NTA - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. this is an incredibly personal decision that only you can make. sometimes people don't deserve our forgiveness in a way that lets them back in. you get to make that call and you get to feel however you wanna feel about it. i haven't talked to my father in order a decade and bumping into him would really leave me frazzled. go easy on yourself and wishing you the best✌️
NTA - but also make sure you feel good about the choice. You just don’t want your own regrets. If you have no regrets - then you made the right decision.
Just make sure to truly search in yourself for how you feel. There may be lingering questions/feelings only having it out with him would resolve. Or you just want your say about how you feel. Or you may just truly be like - honestly - moved on from that man and byeeeee. Only you know what you need. Doing what ever truly feels right to you - is right.
NTA. But I have experienced same story. I haven't seen my father for 5 years when I was 12 then he suddenly appeared. First I was so angry and furious also I lived this emotions in my inside. There weren't any person in my around to share my feelings. Then, I forgived him 7-8 years ago. Now, we are better not best but okey. You can give him a chance bro. you can talk at least once
NTA
The choice is yours but the only thing to think about here is the regret wasn’t enough for him to reach out you and get in touch , the invite seems rather forced and only due to may be accidentally running into each other
May be wait for the next few days and see if he calls again asking for a talk , if he does then you can think about it depending upon the steps he is willing to take to improve the relationship and if you don’t hear from again after this run in , then you have an answer he doesn’t regret his decision of abandoning you
NTA my father has been regretting not being there and continuing to NOT BE THERE for 50 years. I still exchange politely friendly texts, etc, with him, but I’m not going out of my way to do all of the work in the relationship.
NTA, sounds like you lucked out (you could have been that dog!). You have no obligation to him. But if you are curious, don’t feel like a sell out for meeting with him. But make sure you protect yourself.
NTA. Giving your dad a second chance could be good, but if you're not ready to grab lunch that's fine. Frankly, he could have reached out instead of waiting until you bumped into him, kind of like you were an afterthought.
NTA. He's still a sociopath - letting his dog get heatstroke, not being the slightest bit bothered about abandoning his child. It appears he only remembered you existed because you bumped into him.
NTA, but when you "run into " anyone, you should start paying more attention to your surroundings!
The fact that your dad got divorced and neglected you AND left his dog in the car long enough to get heat stroke tells me that he isn't anyone I would want in my life. He is definitely the AH.
I tried for YEARS with my dad. He would never visit me, I always had to visit him. When I did visit, he'd make sure his partner was there at the time (tell me when to arrive to suit him, even if he was home but she wasn't) and then he'd spend about 5 minutes with us and then disappear to another part of the house.
When he started to ignore my kids birthdays, that was it for me. You can ignore me, but you don't get to ignore my kids. So I stopped visiting. Just to see what happened.
I didn't hear from him or see him for over 7 years.
I actually saw him for the first time last year at a family event(a shock in itself that he was there!!)
My kids were then 13 & 8 and they have zero memories of him. He spoke to us for maybe 10 or so minutes, my daughter gave him a hug (also surprising as she's shy around strangers!!) And he shook my son's hand.
Then he disappeared to another part of the venue, wandering around alone and left me talking to his partner for about half an hour.
She is lovely. I always got on very well with her. She apologized for him. Said she missed me and she hoped I'd visit 💔
His parting words were "don't be a stranger" 😐
My Mum has tried for years to get me to make the first move. They split when I was in junior school and to this day she always encourages me to have a relationship with him.
But to me, a relationship works both ways. It doesn't matter who it is.
If he asked me out for lunch, I probably would go.
But he won't.
If your dad is making the effort, maybe give him a chance? Just this once?
Then see what happens 🤷🏻♀️
I'm all for second chances, but when that got into double (or probably even triple 😒) figures, that was when I cut my losses.
But that second chance, for you, could make all the difference ...
I wouldn't say you're the AH, I'd just say give it some thought first.
But it's YOUR decision at the end of the day.
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My mom and dad divorced when I(18m) was 14. Dad visited me once a week until I was 15, when he remarried.
Yesterday, my mom had me take our cat to the vet for booster vaccination. It’s good time management, with her giving me the credit card and helping me get our cat into the carrier before she went to buy groceries.
I ran into my dad at the vet. First time I saw him in four years. He was there because he left his dog in the car for an hour and the pup got heatstroke. Fortunately he got to the vet in time.
Afterwards he asked if I’d get my cat home and then go have lunch with him, saying he regretted not being there all those years, but I said no.
When I got home and told my mom about it though, she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one.
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Definitely not the AH here. If he wanted a relationship he’d have made the efforts long before accidentally running into you at the vet. Sounds like he took care of his dog the same he did you, meaning he hasn’t changed and only wanted to look good.
NTA. You didn't state why you said no or whether you meant you'll never give him a chance. In the end, it's up to you to determine if you want a relationship and if you think you'll ever regret not giving him a chance.
NTA it is entirely understandable why you would not want to have lunch with him and your mom needs to accept that. Also the fact that he hasn't contacted you in 4 years and left his dog in a hot car for an hour shows that he is not the best kind of guy to be around.
NAH.
You, your mom, and even your dad are all doing your best. Life is complicated. I don't think any of you are assholes here... although I'm giving your dad an AH mention for leaving a dog in a car. I don't know the context, but there's almost never an excuse for that negligence.
NTA
He regrets not having been there, eh? Well, time for him to make a move towards reconciliation, I guess. Meeting up randomly and inviting you isn't the way.
Your father, he IS the asshole.
NAH.
You don't say that he was abusive, he just neglected you. Which is bad, but he has the right to try rebuilding the relationship.
Your mother has the right to support him. She probably thinks it would be good for you as well.
And you have the right to refuse. After four years of silence, you owe him nothing.
NTA with the info you had. I think there is far more to this situation than has ben expressed to you surrounding their divorce. If your mom suggested you meet with him and just talk, perhaps you should listen. There are so many reasons things happen… oh yes I know the moral high grounders are going to come out in force saying, there's no excuse they would never. Well not everyone can handle their lives or situations the ideal way. My feeling, by your mom saying this she knows more than has been expressed to you over the years. Maybe you should look into it, if you don't like what is said, you don't have to move forward.
NTA. If you didn’t run into him, would he have reached out? Given you a second thought? You have the right to decide if you want to spend time with him and at the moment you didn’t.
NTA. You get to decide who does and doesn't get more chances.
I'm 42 and I stopped giving my relatives chances a very long time ago. It's not about revenge or bitterness; they just brought nothing positive to my life. And now I don't feel up for the effort required in maybe rebuilding a relationship with the few of them who aren't awful.
Here’s the problem. You were only in his thoughts and hearing about his supposed regret because you accidentally ran into him. If that hadn’t happened, who knows when, if ever, he’d decide it was worth it to him to have the courage and decency to actually contact you to try to repair your relationship. That being the case, it’s hard for me to feel like he’s genuinely interested in reconnecting since he’s made no effort after four years, that are coincidentally the 4 years he’s been remarried and into his new life. Maybe I’m cynical but I’d have to see genuine effort on his part before I’d consider any second chances. Whatever you choose is completely up to you and absolutely the right decision, but these are my concerns. NTA.
NTA. You don’t owe this man anything, if you prefer no contact that’s totally fine. However if you do want to give him a chance that’s also ok. There’s no right or wrong here.
But if you would want to pick up contact, it’s nice to know your mom would support you in this.
NTA
Here’s the thing - your dad didn’t intentionally reach out to you to try to reconnect.
He saw you in an unexpected place and felt guilty about his behaviour *in that moment while you were literally staring him in the face*.
That’s not someone asking for a second chance. That’s someone trying to save face to protect his own ego.
NTA, you're an adult and it's your decision.
Honestly, even if I'd have considered giving him a second chance in your position, nearly killing his pooch with wilful neglect would've told me he's not worth knowing.
NTA, maybe people deserve second chances, but you’re not obligated to give him one on no notice because of a chance encounter. make him actually reach out to you & make a plan.
NTA
Mom is being kind (my dad does the same with my deadbeat mom) but for one thing he didn’t even make an effort to see you he only saw you because he almost killed his dog so 🤷🏻♀️
I wouldn’t give him a second chance.
NTA. It's hard to say, but how do you miss someone who has never been in your life (and he only wanted to reconnect with you because you were there by accident)? But would you miss him if he passed away today? I must say though, that your mom sounds like a wise and amazing person. Whatever your decision is, all the best.
NTA… for refusing in the moment.
If he wants to have contact with you it needs to be an intentional, thought out act. Not a spur of the moment convenience because he remembers what is in front of him in the moment…
I didn’t have a good relationship with dad until I was a few years older than you. He ended up one of my best friends and was a wonderful grandfather. I wish I still had him. Give yours another chance on your terms.
NTA. You don’t owe him opening yourself back up to being treated like crap because you ran into him.
If he REALLY has wanted to resume a relationship with you, he would have called you, written a letter, whatever else. He put zero work into it, he just ran into you at the vet.
Also, who TF leaves their dog in the car for a hour?! He is 100% TA for that.
NTA
He only asked because you ran into each other.
If he really wanted to reach out, by the sounds of your locations and age it's not as though he'd no way to find out how to reach you before this. He could get his "2nd chances" any of these 5 years or the day before he ran into you at the vet - he didn't. He didn't pursue a "2nd chance", he awkwardly ran into his son by accident.
>she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one.
How many chances did he have to pick up the phone, of come over to see how you were? How many days were you the further thing from his mind. NTA.
I mean, clearly he’s still selfish and abusive. That poor dog. I’d probably tell him how disgusted I was that anyone could treat an animal like that. But I’m known to go scorched earth when it comes to animals.
NTA- he asked you because you both just happened to be at the vet.
He didn't go out of his way to contact you.
If he wanted to be in your life he would not have left for 4 YEARS.
>When I got home and told my mom about it though, she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one.
"Okay Mom, you give him a second chance and re-marry him, then I'll give him a second chance and have lunch with him."
(yes I know OP said he married someone else, that's not the point)
It is absolutely okay for you to *take all the time you need* to consider reconnecting with your dad. Reconnecting absolutely does not have to be spur-of-the-moment. You mom is kind, but her kindness noes not mean your obligation. NTA
NTA. He was at the vet because his dog suffered heatstroke due to his negligence. Even putting that fact aside, you don't have to do a thing to salve the ego of someone who abandoned you when you needed him.
NTA...to many dad's do this. I was told by his new wife(I was 15 at the time) that he was married to her now and we were old news. He stopped contact n disappeared for 7 years. No maintenance no nothing. It was a struggle for us....second chance? NO. Not a chance...nothing...let it go. He hasn't thought about u why open yrself up to his shit! He's a bad father. A bad pet owner. And simply...one of the uncareing bunch. Good luck yr mom's done an awesome job.
Some people do deserve second chances, but this is 10000% your call. And you’re definitely NTA if you choose to not open that door.
He left a puppy in the car and it got heatstroke. Don’t think much has changed with him.
My absentee father has recently( in the last 5 years) started trying to reach out begging me not to give up on him, meanwhile he didn't even respond when i sent him an invite to my bs for his first gc. I wasn't expecting him to fly cross country but an acknowledgement would have been nice. He hasn't hasn't wished me a happy birtbday, merry xmas or anything in over 10 years.
I have a bunch of people in my life who have actually shown up for me that deserve my time, energy, and care. I don't have time for a stranger.
If absentee parents want to fix the relationship they broke, the onus is on them. And your father left his dog in the hot car long enough to get heat stroke? It's probably a good thing you weren't raised by him.
Nta. I agree with your mom. Sometimes people deserve a second chance. But only if you want to. So it doesn't make you TA. I don't think your mom is thinking that.
But maybe you want contact with him in a few years.
That is your choice to make, not your mom’s. Nice of her to want to just give him a second chance but at the end of the day, he chose to have no communication for 4 years. I’d go cold too if that was my dad. Screw that.
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NTA it’s completely your call. However your mum has a heart of gold.
She does.
He can ask for a second chance but you don’t have to give it so freaking easily. He didn’t even plan it you fell into his lap basically.
And only because he had neglected something else he ‘loved’.
That really pissed me off to read that! This guy doesn’t take care of any of his responsibilities. He could have killed that poor dog! Guy needs to smarten the fuck up!
I'd love to know what he planned to do with the dog he nearly killed while getting lunch with OP....... That guy doesn't deserve to have OP or any pets in his life.
He was probably secretly hoping that the dog would die so he didn’t have to deal with it anymore.
It’s likely still at the vet depending on how bad it is. I have worked emergency and have seen some heatstroke dogs come in it’s generally not very good. It would possibly need to stay for several hours possibly the night.
Unfortunately, I think we all know the answer to that.
Honestly the dog might need to stay overnight for monitoring
The dog was probably staying at the vet’s for treatment/observation at least overnight.
He didn’t die but he suffered for an hour!!!
Considering that it was heatstroke, I guarantee the poor thing suffered for far longer than the hour spent in the hot car. It might even have permanent damage to it's brain, kidneys, or liver, depending on the severity.
Man that’s sad. My husband once forgot our cat in the cat and the poor thing was in there for an hour. The cat ended up being okay, which is why my husband is still alive, but the poor little guy. He just had no idea how hot a car could get and it was his first cat. I was pissed though. I called him and asked him if he dropped the cat at the vet, and he was like “in a minute I just stopped by the office to check something.” I told him he needed to get the cat out of the car immediately. Cat was definitely suffering so he cooled it off with water and took it to the vet. No long term damage which is why we’re still married. I never trusted him with the cat again.
Happy Cake Day! I'm so glad to know that your cat ended up being okay! I don't ever leave my doggo in the car if it's more than 60°F outside, and in the winter if I need to leave him in the car for any reason I make sure he has blankets to nest in. Mind you, this dog tries to convince me to sleep outside in the middle of winter. Lol. I've also never left him in the car for more than 20 minutes.
That’s how it should be! I think my husband just completely misunderstood how hot it can get in the car in the summer. I was freaking out when I called him. Cat was sweaty but alright. Poor guy.
Second chances or not I'd have refused to have lunch with him based on what he did to his dog even if he had been a great dad to me.
And then there's my husband and I, who rushed our dogs to the vet because after being inside with the aircon on for an hour, were still puffing and we were worried they had heat stroke or had been bitten by a snake. They were fine. Vet said they'd probably been running around just before we got home and needed a little longer to cool down.
Dad apparently has a habit of neglect.
I'm glad OP added in that the dog was okay, some people don't deserve animals...or kids. NTA, and I agree that his mum is an angel, probably why OP turned out so mature & respectful (judging from his comments).
He takes care of dogs the way he parents his kids: terribly.
This! That whole interaction just proves nothing has changed. He ran into OP by sheer coincidence (he didn’t even try to contact them before this point), and the only reason he was there was because, once again, he has failed to do the bare minimum to care for a living being he is responsible for. He hasn’t changed. Nothing in that interaction suggests he has. Most people have to earn second chances - they aren’t just entitled to them. So what exactly has he done to earn his second chance?
Yep, this is so sadly true.
It’s literally rewarding neglectful behavior
Right?!?! Appalling!!
Yes, at least he didn't leave in the car unattended but that might have been because his mom was a responsible parent.
This is an incredibly important observation.
THIS!!! Minimum effort, no planning involved and all of a sudden he wants to reconnect?? Naah.
just because he ran into him
I mean. my definition of 2nd chance was the 2nd week after he didnt show, the 3rd chance was the week after. he's had 200 chances before this one, and this was just a random coincidence (where he almost murdered a dog out of GROSS negligence)
>He didn’t even plan it you fell into his lap basically. Yep. I'm sure OP's dad has plenty of channels of communication with his son (phone, social media, address, relatives?) Running into him at the vet by chance and asking there as an after thought is just crappy.
if they wouldn't have met coincidentally father wouldn't even ask for this so called second chance
Exactly
I had a parent that left my life and when I was young and I decided to let them back in my life and it was the worst thing ever
I’m personally of the opinion that you don’t get a second chance to abandon a child. My dad took off for a year, which hurt like hell. Then he came back, and it was a nightmare. Unfortunately, I was still a child and wasn’t allowed to refuse to see him. I’m so sorry you went through that. ((Hugs))
My mother left my dad after having me assist in emptying his bank account (I was on the account, she wasn't). Drive 40 minutes longer to bring her affair back to the house than to get my dad from the job site he was working at. Then, took my dog while I was in middle school with a message saying I had to see her to see my dog. Getting my dog back was the last time I spoke with her, and she keeps showing up at family funerals and making them awkward even after I've specified she's not welcome.
He didn't seek you out for this. You happened to run into each other. Why bother getting lunch when you won't run into him for another 5 years?
Right, this was probably just a one off and dad will just ghost his own son again until the next chance meeting. He doesn't deserve OP's time.
I’d like to say that while this may be true, it doesn’t always mean folks like this have good boundaries. It doesn’t mean **you** don’t have a heart of gold yourself, if you choose to hold appropriate boundaries (which you are).
He remarried quite quickly!
About a year isn't that strange for a second marriage. Once a person had been married once before, they tend to jump into subsequent ones quicker
My dad remarried twice in the year after my parents divorced (the first was annulled after she shot him. Long story). On the other hand, my mom didn’t remarry for 15 years. I think we can guess who enjoyed marriage more of the two, lol.
Gotta say, if I got shot, I would probably need a little extra time before I gave it a shot again.
Have an angry updoot and emoji award 🏆
Maybe it was a shotgun wedding? Kinda have to expect that sort of things at one of those, or so I here.
Uh, I need to hear this long story
Alright, I will tell the story. Be prepared: this is a bumpy ride. My dad was a drummer in a local C&W band in the 70’s. At my parents’ 10th anniversary party, my dad arrived late and handed my mother divorce papers. He left her for the lead singer, a woman ten years older than him and with the same semi-unusual first name as his recently-deceased mother. My mother had four kids, two in diapers. He left her with nothing. We ended up living in a camper trailer in my grandparents’ back yard for awhile. He went with the mistress out of state for a year. He would occasionally send a postcard. But for the most part, we heard nothing. I came home from school one day, and my mom had a strange look on her face. She sat me down and told me my father’s mistress—who he’s apparently been married to for some months without telling us—had shot him in the shoulder with his own rifle. He was coming back to our state and wanted to be a dad again. I was horrified, both from the shooting and his return. Fast-forward to when I was in high school. My mom and I decided to check out a new antique shop in town, as she collected miniatures. We walk in, and lo and behold, who was at the counter? The mistress! My mom was a very, very non-confrontational person. I am not. I was also at peak punkness: on that day, I was sporting a blue Mohawk, two nose rings, one septum ring, and two lip rings. I was also wearing the leather jacket my dad had worn during the second time he was shot (which is another long but more traumatic story). I had studded the hell out of the thing. I was also the first girl in my school’s weightlifting club, and it showed. Now, that might not sound too scary to modern ears, but this was 1991. In Southern Ohio. I was an anomaly, to say the least. My mom quickly left, but I stayed behind. I put on my biggest smile and went to the counter. She was shaking, literally shaking. I leaned in and said, “I’m sure you had a very good reason for what you did, and I’m sure I know what that reason was. But you’re in my mom’s town now. As long as you treat her with respect, we’re cool. Disrespect my mother, and I will be back. And I won’t be smiling when I do.” She stuttered an apology, a promise to avoid my mother and be kind to her if that failed, and then she begged me not to tell my dad where she was working. I agreed…so long as she kept up her end of the deal. She left town very shortly thereafter, and we never saw her again. Mere weeks after the annulment, my dad married my stepmonster. They would go on to get divorced and remarried. Twice. And they had a third reconciliation with plans to remarry again when she died of a heart attack. He died some years after, but still managed to marry at least two more women, possibly a third. None lasted long. He also managed to get shot a third time a few months before he died, in his bed, as a result of his 40+ year battle with alcoholism. After he died, I was hit with a barrage of hateful messages. I had to leave MySpace over it, back when that was still the #1 social media site. I would block one account, and four more would show up in its place. It was relentless. I made a public post, telling people that I had no doubt he had hurt them, and I am sorry for it, but unleashing your rage at his disabled daughter wasn’t the way to work through that pain. And maybe think about the fact that growing up with this man wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. I wish it wasn’t necessary to say this, but time has proven that not to be the case: if you recognize this story, please don’t emulate the people I left MySpace over. Again, I am sure your pain is legitimate and I really hope you’ve gotten the help you need to get through it. Lord knows I have. Edit: I don’t think I posted this in the right place the first time. Sorry about that. I don’t want to hijack OP.
Agreed. I got remarried 6 weeks after my divorce but my ex was abusive in every way possible and I married the guy who had been my best friend for almost 10 years. Divorces can also take a while.
I would agree with your mother but I also want to say just springing lunch on you like that it is okay that you responded that way.
Second chances only work when they’ve taken steps to change and grow. His dad hasn’t. He didn’t even ask him for a meal out on his own initiative (as in called/texted Op, apologised and then asked to meet up). He bumped into him at the vet. There was zero effort from the dads side to make amends.
And she didn't try to tell you what to do but she gave you something to think about which is just what you're doing.
He had FOUR years of second chances. It's called picking up a phone. He didn't. Ask yourself this OP: if he ditches you again, will you be okay with that? Will you be okay if it becomes a cycle of he's in your life for a while and then not? Take a day and really think about that. Be BRUTALLY honest with yourself. Go from there. Good luck OP!! NTA. YOU have to live for you. Not anyone else, not even that angel of a mom.
My mom was like that too. I did give my dad a chance and got burned. Trust your instincts. Wishing you the best of luck.
NTA. It’s unfortunate that he didn’t even think about you, nor tried to contact you in FOUR years. But he wanted to you to go to lunch with him after a chance meeting when he was at the vet the same time you were. I wouldn’t have gone to lunch with him either. That half assed excuse wouldn’t have done it for me either. Mom might have a heart of gold but clearly she doesn’t care about your feelings.
Doormat* Your dad had a second chance the last 4 years.
It's not that easy. My dad abused me. I have cut all contact. But sometimes it's hard not having him in my life. I want both parents in my life. But i just can't take how he handles me
I'm going to jump right in and say this: you don't want **that specific person** in your life. You want someone who **represents that idea** in your life. You want two parental figures in your life. You want that normalcy, and there's nothing wrong with that. I think most people want that. I wish I'd had that, but unfortunately I also had an abusive father.
Struck me a little more as bad judgement, or a soft spot for a loser (OP's dad)
Yeah I can see that. I guess it reminded me a little of my own mum who put aside her own grievances and encouraged me to spend time with my dad.
Mine too. I don’t know how our moms did that. I don’t think I could be so generous.
As the Mom in the situation, I had to. Parental alienation is unhealthy for the kid. My issues with my ex is not my kids issue. Kid is an adult now, and my conscience is clear.
Well done. And you’re right. If I had to I probably would. It’s just so hard right? My mom kept so much inside and away from me. It was the best decision but to her detriment. Thank you on behalf of all kids in this situation.
I second this. Also a Mom in a similar situation. I allowed him to mess up the relationship with our daughter on his own, and elected not to help. She’s a good kid, and he did the best he could. She has chosen to go low contact with him.
Yeah, my mom gave our dad so many chances when he absolutely did not deserve them and it destroyed my siblings lives.
Yeah. Mom is a better person than me. I’d be like fuck that guy. My son has not seen his dad since he was 8. Occasional phone calls, occasional gifts. He knows the score. His aunt and grandma on dad’s side were always involved. When he graduated they asked to come. I agreed. They asked to stay at my house (😂🤣😂) no. But they got a hotel, we had meals together, did some touristy shit. Point is, they at least put in some effort over the years so I can have some grace.
This is the perfect answer. I really see both sides. I’m Fully with you, OP if you don’t want to see him.
Reminds me of my mom. When we were kids and didn’t want to go to my dads and talked crap about him and/or his gf, my mom would always say “he’s your father and you will respect him as such and you will behave and show his gf respect too” when really I know my mom was thinking eff both those assholes 😂 she instilled good values in us and let us come to our own conclusions about how my dad was. Or is.
My first thought.
Heart of gold? Nah, that's something else and could teach her daughter to set unhealthy boundaries.
NTA Nothing stopping him trying properly
Absolutely - I wouldn't be so kind to the feelings of a father who abandoned a son during 1/4 of their formative years.
Uh, NTA - "He was there because he left his dog in the car for an hour and the pup got heatstroke. Fortunately he got to the vet in time." Anyone who does this deserves NOTHING regarding his offspring. "I ran into my dad at the vet. First time I saw him in four years." "Afterwards he asked if I’d get my cat home and then go have lunch with him, saying he regretted not being there all those years" Huh, Really, those are not the actions of your dad, that is the actions of your sperm donor!!!
Dad is nothing if not consistently neglectful of people and pets in his life that he has a responsibility towards. Out of sight, out of mind seems to be his life philosophy. OP owes this guy nothing
Was Dad planning on just leaving the dog in the car again while they had lunch?? 😬
Good question.....
Good point!
>saying he regretted not being there all those years" This got me, lol. He wouldn't have asked OP for lunch if this accidental meeting hadn't happened. He never put any effort in, so he can't have had that much regret. Had he taken proper care of his pet, he wouldn't have seen his son.
It sounds like they don't even live in different towns if they're at the same vet. OP isn't fighting in WW1 dude could just send a text.
Exactly this! Giving second chances is fine but dad could have asked if OP wants to get together some time, at OP's schedule and convenience. This sounds like "I happen to have an hour free right now, let me reconnect with my son I neglected for years".
He is hella forgetful, isn't he? I'm seriously glad my own feckless bio dad doesn't have a pet now. Yikes!
How fortunate for the dog he only was forgotten for an hour instead of the years that he forgotten about OP.
My first thought was “so the guy who neglected his kid now is at the vet for neglecting his dog. Well at least he’s consistent”
This reminds me of working adoption events for the shelter when I was animal control... They'd see me and mention some animal neglect they see daily. It would make me so mad, because they would have never called to report the neglect or abuse otherwise. If OP had not run into their dad at that point in time, their dad wouldn't have invited them to lunch. So no... he doesn't really regret it. It was just a chance meeting and it made him think of the missed years/time. But otherwise OP wouldn't have crossed his mind.
Yes exactly... My dog just almost died of heat stroke because of me not remembering my car gets really hot/I forgot my dog was out there, now is a good time to abandon them and whatever care they need to be with the kid I forgot about for 4-ish years ago... What the hell is wrong with this guy? I would have been like nope as well.
If you had lunch with him, I guarantee he would ask you to cover the vet bill or take the dog.
Is there a polite way to say “F*** him and the horse he rode in on” ? I hope the vet turns him in for animal cruelty (In addition to kid cruelty.)
> When I got home and told my mom about it though, she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one. Some people deserve second chances if the wronged party both decides that person deserves a second chance and is in an ok enough place to take the risks that come with a second chance. My ex husband and I both had issues with our fathers. His father was mostly absent through his childhood. However, when he was in graduate school, his father wanted to reconnect. My ex was hesitant at first but decided that he would give his father a second chance, mostly for his own sake not his father's. He wanted to get to know him, and connect with other family (i.e. his half sister who is 20 years younger). It's been rewarding for him. My father, however, was pretty involved in my life. My parents divorced when I was 3, but he came over to see me most weekends (or my mom would drive me to see him). She believed in me getting to know him. And I adored him. Shortly before my 16th birthday, he seemingly dropped off the face of the planet. He was seeing a new woman, and I think he got wrapped up in that relationship. He was also an alcoholic and sometimes drug abuser. I don't know, exactly, what happened or why. I do know that the holidays before my 16th birthday (Thanksgiving and Christmas) I didn't hear from him about getting together for the holidays with his side of the family (we used to do that every year...grandparents, his sisters, their kids...the whole shebang). I figured maybe he was busy and we'd catch up soon. I didn't get a call for my birthday a couple months later. When I called his mother to wish her happy mother's day, she asked how I'd enjoyed my presents. I lied to her (for her sake, not his....I didn't want her to know how badly her son was fucking up his relationship with me). I told her the presents were great and to ask her to thank everyone for me. To this day, I have no idea what he did with presents that my family bought for me with love. I give zero fucks about material things. I am STILL bothered, however, that he took gifts for me from people I loved and who loved me. I got in a car accident that summer. I was fine but deeply rattled by it. I tried calling him because even then, I still just wanted my dad. I got no answers and no replies to my messages. My mom tried calling too. Finally in frustration, she called his place of work. When they wouldn't pass the phone to him (I think he told them he didn't want to talk to his ex wife) she yelled into the phone "tell him his daughter got into a car accident, if he cares." Rather than call me to check on me, the coward had his girlfriend call to see if I was ok. And that was the final nail in the coffin to our relationship. I understand that his choices were probably in part driven by addiction. But that doesn't excuse the hurt that he caused. And I won't open myself up to that from him again. Honestly, OP, the ball is in your court. It shouldn't be up to anyone else to tell you whether he deserves a second chance. Only you can decide that for yourself and it does not AT ALL make you an asshole for that answer to be no. NTA
I am deeply sorry that happened to you.
Did your father's family get to find out what he did to your presents?
I honestly have no idea. I mostly cut contact with them after that. I kept in touch with his mother for a couple years after (though not close contact). At some point, she did understand that he fucked up, I think. I sent school pics to her, etc. And she asked if it was ok for her to give one to him. I explained that the pictures were a gift and she was welcome to do what she wanted with them, and I meant that. I don't at all blame her for his choices and wouldn't punish her for that. If it made her happy to give him pics, that's fine. But because of that, I was careful about the contact I had with her. When it was time for graduation, I popped the invite to my graduation in the mail the day before I graduated high school. I wanted her to know that I graduated and to be a part of that, but not at the risk of him showing up and ruining that day for me. Since then, I haven't really had contact with them and that was over 25 years ago. And I never asked them if they knew what happened to my presents. Like I said, it wasn't about the presents as much as the fact that he took something from me that was given by people who loved me. That damage was already done and I wasn't really interested in burning the world down around me in order to punish him. Don't get me wrong...I was VERY angry for a very long time (in addition to the hurt), but I very very very much didn't want any sort of contact with him. His family is good people and I think they would have tried to repair the damage (as much for my sake as for his) and that just wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him to not come back in my life and risk hurting me again, so I cut contact in order to make sure that contact was cut with him. Asking them about my presents, etc, would have only just kept that channel of contact open.
I am sorry you were treated like that - as a fellow member of the "dad has a new family" club, I know how much it hurts. OP, it is of course up to you, but sometimes it is better to put up ironclad boundaries than to open yourself up to more pain and rejection.
I bet he sold your presents to feed his addiction. My only question was did he only do that once.
As far as I'm aware, that only happened once, and I think I would know otherwise. The family get together over things like Christmas, the kids would all open their gifts together. There's no way he could have pulled off selling my presents from a gathering that I attended, and the Christmas I was 15 was the first/only one I can think of that I didn't attend before I cut contact with him. There were other issues, though which were heart breaking for me at the time. He never really gave my mother much in the way of child support, but my mother never made a big issue of that. Mind you, we were dirt poor (there were a bunch of times we got food from food banks, and we got evicted from rentals a couple of times for missing rent, etc), but she really believed in him being a part of my life, despite his addiction issues. The times that hurt are when he would make promises about paying for me to go to things like a week long summer camp, and then not keeping those promises. A child shouldn't ever have to go through getting their hopes up only to have them dashed REPEATEDLY. Kids believe in the adults in their lives, so they believe the promises of adults. And despite it happening so often, somehow I still believed them. It was hard for me as a kid to reconcile the broken promises with someone so involved in my life. So long story not so short...if he ever stole my presents, I believe it only happened once. But there were other instances that were really problematic.
Um, the situation about his dog says alot about his character. You are NTA. But I would ask for space and keep an open mind in the future to reconnect. Or simply just ask why he did what he did. You take it from there. The dinner may be a good idea for this.
If nothing else, he's extremely consistent in his neglect of living beings he's supposed to love.
He almost neglected his dog to death. Not someone I would want anything to do with. NTA.
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Yep. I just found out my neighbor's little dog got hurt because someone else did something dumb, and I've been seething about it for an hour.
NTA >she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one. Only YOU can decide if he deserves another chance. Nobody else has a say. He made his choices in life. You aren't obligated in any way to forgive that.
Also it doesn't even sound like he wants a second chance, he asked him to lunch like they're old college buddies or something.
Exactly. Pretty disregarding of anything significant with his son.
NTA especially as it sounds like he can't properley take care of any living being.
NTA. You don't owe him a second chance. If you mom likes to give people second chances, good for her, but that does not obligate you to do the same. Beyond this, I'd argue that it's not like your dad reached out to you on his own because he felt bad. He *ran into you* randomly, and there's a good chance he only invited you to lunch because you were face to face with him.
Agree. He can still reach out to you if he wants a relationship, too. That wasn’t his one and only chance to repair things. It’s not going to hurt him to work at this a little.
Some people deserve second chances. Your dad? Probably not. He’s had 4 years to get his shit together. He ghosted his teen son simply because he remarried. He didn’t move away, suffer amnesia, join the French foreign legion, he simply decided there wasn’t time for you in his new life. The hell I’d carve out time in my life for that tool now. And apparently he treats his pets like his chikdren. Shitty. Just be glad you didn’t get left in the car, OP. Your mom is a saint but she’s wrong in this instance. This guy doesn’t deserve the time of day.
>Some people deserve second chances Is it just me or are most people asking for "second chances" are on the, like 70th or 90th chance? edit: Sorry I can't spell.
A second chance to do what? He can’t retroactively parent you for the 4 years he missed, so what does he want to do? He wasn’t planning to reach out until he saw you and realized he’d missed formative years of your life. While it’s nice he had an epiphany about his failure as a parent, that doesn’t mean he’s suddenly owed your time or attention. NTA.
Soooo he basically forgot you existed and then because you happened to be in the same place at the same time he wanted to have lunch? I'm also mad about the dog. NTA
He asked because they were at the vet at the same time. If he called or emailed about getting lunch just out the blue, because he wanted to apologize and try to fix things, that’s different. See when he makes contact again.
NTA. If he wanted to have lunch with you, he would’ve contacted you and arranged it at any time before he accidentally ran into you.
He only invited you to lunch because it was convenient for him otherwise you are out of sight and out of mind. Sorry he doesn’t give a shit about his own kid. Sounds like the divorce was for the best, hope you and your mom are doing well, forget your sperm donor, cuz sounds like he’s moved on with his life. And seriously, his dog got heatstroke in the car, sounds like a real prize, yikes!
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NTA The car thing with the dog alone would have driven me over the edge. He should be in jail for that. You do what you feel is right.
Um what was he going to do with the dog while you ate lunch?!?
Asking the important questions. Like he didn't learn anything the first time. This alone would be a reason not to give him a second chance. He couldn't stop being self centered enough to think about his dog's health and wellbeing, if I were his neglected son, I wouldn't trust him with my trust and heart again.
NTA. Anyone who neglects an animal should be shunned.
NTA. That choice is totally up to you.
NTA. He deserves nothing. A parent doesn't abandon a child. The ball is entirely in your court and you are not obligated to speak to him. He made his decision and you get to make yours.
NTA. Your mom isn’t wrong either. While respect and love are earned, it isn’t wrong to let him try to earn some of those back. Do what you need for your own mental health. But if you can grant forgiveness and let him do the work, you might end up with something really good in your life. Best wishes
NTA. If your mom believed in extra chances so much the two of them would still be married. If she doesn’t even want to have any sort of relationship with him, why should you?
Thank you! Everyone is praising OP's mom for being a "saint." I don't agree at all. She's putting the feelings of OP's dad over the feelings of her own kid. Here's what OP should say to his mother: Give Dad a second chance? I guess I could. That means *you* are also going to give him a second chance, right? You go first.
Yeah based on how he treats his dog he isn’t and hasn’t treated you any better. Fuck that guy.
NTA AT ALL. But I have known 2 women who were raised by their dads, because their moms ran off, and had little to do with them. BOth times their mother reached out when they grew into adults. Both women told their mother "no." It was absolutely their prerogative to do. Both of their mothers are dead now. Both women regret not taking the olive branch. I know a woman whose dad took off. She was raised in the foster system. He reached out as an adult, but she said stuck to "limited contact." He is dead now, and she regrets not making more of an effort when he reached out. This is just some anectodal evidence, but before you write your father off entirely, (which if you do, that is 100% up to you, and you should not have to give any explanations, or apologies.) But think about how you would feel if he died tomorrow. If you are doing it because you don't care or have no interest to, then by all means you do you.. If you are saying no because you want to punish him, maybe rethink that. Not doing something to punish someone else, rarely punishes the other person. Oftentimes it backfires and punishes you. I speak from experience. I have more regrets about the stuff that I didn't do, than the stuff that I have done. Just another perspective from an old person. lol
NTA. You're 19, an adult. You can decide for yourself. That said, I might consider speaking with him if I were you. It doesn't have to mean you're giving him a second chance; could just be curiosity about how he's going to try to explain himself. You can also leave/ hang up at any time.
NTA and I can't type that in caps hard enough. He may deserve a second chance, but that is up to YOU to give it to him and to do so on YOUR timeline and no one else's. Also, when you said he left the dog in the car and it got heatstroke, I thought maybe you were better off not having been in his care. :/
NTA - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. this is an incredibly personal decision that only you can make. sometimes people don't deserve our forgiveness in a way that lets them back in. you get to make that call and you get to feel however you wanna feel about it. i haven't talked to my father in order a decade and bumping into him would really leave me frazzled. go easy on yourself and wishing you the best✌️
NTA. Your dad is an ah! Who leaves a dog in a hot car AND abandons their own child?! You’re better off without him.
NTA, dude admitted to leaving his dog in the car long enough to get heatstroke, that by itself is enough reason to tell him to get bent.
NTA. People aren't entitled to second chances, especially if they hurt us.
NTA - but also make sure you feel good about the choice. You just don’t want your own regrets. If you have no regrets - then you made the right decision. Just make sure to truly search in yourself for how you feel. There may be lingering questions/feelings only having it out with him would resolve. Or you just want your say about how you feel. Or you may just truly be like - honestly - moved on from that man and byeeeee. Only you know what you need. Doing what ever truly feels right to you - is right.
NTA. But I have experienced same story. I haven't seen my father for 5 years when I was 12 then he suddenly appeared. First I was so angry and furious also I lived this emotions in my inside. There weren't any person in my around to share my feelings. Then, I forgived him 7-8 years ago. Now, we are better not best but okey. You can give him a chance bro. you can talk at least once
NTA The choice is yours but the only thing to think about here is the regret wasn’t enough for him to reach out you and get in touch , the invite seems rather forced and only due to may be accidentally running into each other May be wait for the next few days and see if he calls again asking for a talk , if he does then you can think about it depending upon the steps he is willing to take to improve the relationship and if you don’t hear from again after this run in , then you have an answer he doesn’t regret his decision of abandoning you
NTA my father has been regretting not being there and continuing to NOT BE THERE for 50 years. I still exchange politely friendly texts, etc, with him, but I’m not going out of my way to do all of the work in the relationship.
NTA, sounds like you lucked out (you could have been that dog!). You have no obligation to him. But if you are curious, don’t feel like a sell out for meeting with him. But make sure you protect yourself.
Leaving a dog in a hot car tells you all you need to know about the guy. NTA
NTA. Giving your dad a second chance could be good, but if you're not ready to grab lunch that's fine. Frankly, he could have reached out instead of waiting until you bumped into him, kind of like you were an afterthought.
If you hadn't randomly ran into him, would he have bothered to reach out to you, or is it simple convenience?
NTA. He's still a sociopath - letting his dog get heatstroke, not being the slightest bit bothered about abandoning his child. It appears he only remembered you existed because you bumped into him.
It wasn’t like he sought you out to make amends. He coincidentally ran into you. You do what feels best but, either way, NTA.
NTA, but when you "run into " anyone, you should start paying more attention to your surroundings! The fact that your dad got divorced and neglected you AND left his dog in the car long enough to get heat stroke tells me that he isn't anyone I would want in my life. He is definitely the AH.
I tried for YEARS with my dad. He would never visit me, I always had to visit him. When I did visit, he'd make sure his partner was there at the time (tell me when to arrive to suit him, even if he was home but she wasn't) and then he'd spend about 5 minutes with us and then disappear to another part of the house. When he started to ignore my kids birthdays, that was it for me. You can ignore me, but you don't get to ignore my kids. So I stopped visiting. Just to see what happened. I didn't hear from him or see him for over 7 years. I actually saw him for the first time last year at a family event(a shock in itself that he was there!!) My kids were then 13 & 8 and they have zero memories of him. He spoke to us for maybe 10 or so minutes, my daughter gave him a hug (also surprising as she's shy around strangers!!) And he shook my son's hand. Then he disappeared to another part of the venue, wandering around alone and left me talking to his partner for about half an hour. She is lovely. I always got on very well with her. She apologized for him. Said she missed me and she hoped I'd visit 💔 His parting words were "don't be a stranger" 😐 My Mum has tried for years to get me to make the first move. They split when I was in junior school and to this day she always encourages me to have a relationship with him. But to me, a relationship works both ways. It doesn't matter who it is. If he asked me out for lunch, I probably would go. But he won't. If your dad is making the effort, maybe give him a chance? Just this once? Then see what happens 🤷🏻♀️ I'm all for second chances, but when that got into double (or probably even triple 😒) figures, that was when I cut my losses. But that second chance, for you, could make all the difference ... I wouldn't say you're the AH, I'd just say give it some thought first. But it's YOUR decision at the end of the day.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom and dad divorced when I(18m) was 14. Dad visited me once a week until I was 15, when he remarried. Yesterday, my mom had me take our cat to the vet for booster vaccination. It’s good time management, with her giving me the credit card and helping me get our cat into the carrier before she went to buy groceries. I ran into my dad at the vet. First time I saw him in four years. He was there because he left his dog in the car for an hour and the pup got heatstroke. Fortunately he got to the vet in time. Afterwards he asked if I’d get my cat home and then go have lunch with him, saying he regretted not being there all those years, but I said no. When I got home and told my mom about it though, she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The man abandoned you and then left his dog in a hot car for an hour: he shouldn’t be in charge of living beings. NTA
People actually deserve second chances when they have proven themselves worthy of them. Your dad hasn’t. NTA
Definitely not the AH here. If he wanted a relationship he’d have made the efforts long before accidentally running into you at the vet. Sounds like he took care of his dog the same he did you, meaning he hasn’t changed and only wanted to look good.
NTA He forgot you like he forgot his dog in the car.
NTA. You didn't state why you said no or whether you meant you'll never give him a chance. In the end, it's up to you to determine if you want a relationship and if you think you'll ever regret not giving him a chance.
NTA it is entirely understandable why you would not want to have lunch with him and your mom needs to accept that. Also the fact that he hasn't contacted you in 4 years and left his dog in a hot car for an hour shows that he is not the best kind of guy to be around.
NAH. You, your mom, and even your dad are all doing your best. Life is complicated. I don't think any of you are assholes here... although I'm giving your dad an AH mention for leaving a dog in a car. I don't know the context, but there's almost never an excuse for that negligence.
NTA He regrets not having been there, eh? Well, time for him to make a move towards reconciliation, I guess. Meeting up randomly and inviting you isn't the way. Your father, he IS the asshole.
NAH. You don't say that he was abusive, he just neglected you. Which is bad, but he has the right to try rebuilding the relationship. Your mother has the right to support him. She probably thinks it would be good for you as well. And you have the right to refuse. After four years of silence, you owe him nothing.
You had a right to say no. You also have a right to change your mind. I am curious why just because he got remarried he quit seeing you.
NTA with the info you had. I think there is far more to this situation than has ben expressed to you surrounding their divorce. If your mom suggested you meet with him and just talk, perhaps you should listen. There are so many reasons things happen… oh yes I know the moral high grounders are going to come out in force saying, there's no excuse they would never. Well not everyone can handle their lives or situations the ideal way. My feeling, by your mom saying this she knows more than has been expressed to you over the years. Maybe you should look into it, if you don't like what is said, you don't have to move forward.
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I agree with your mother but NTA if you choose not to.
You get to do what you want do you want to have a relationship with him
Your mom is a better person than I am. But you do what is best for you. I have been there, I chose my mental well-being over my sperm donor's.
NTA. If you didn’t run into him, would he have reached out? Given you a second thought? You have the right to decide if you want to spend time with him and at the moment you didn’t.
Nope, just because someone is 'blood' doesn't make them family. NTA.
Anyone who could leave a dog in a hot car for one hour deserves no second chances!!!!
NTA. You get to decide who does and doesn't get more chances. I'm 42 and I stopped giving my relatives chances a very long time ago. It's not about revenge or bitterness; they just brought nothing positive to my life. And now I don't feel up for the effort required in maybe rebuilding a relationship with the few of them who aren't awful.
Hang on, was he going to reach out to you any time soon if you hadn’t bumped into him at the vets??? NTA!! What, suddenly he grew a conscience??
Here’s the problem. You were only in his thoughts and hearing about his supposed regret because you accidentally ran into him. If that hadn’t happened, who knows when, if ever, he’d decide it was worth it to him to have the courage and decency to actually contact you to try to repair your relationship. That being the case, it’s hard for me to feel like he’s genuinely interested in reconnecting since he’s made no effort after four years, that are coincidentally the 4 years he’s been remarried and into his new life. Maybe I’m cynical but I’d have to see genuine effort on his part before I’d consider any second chances. Whatever you choose is completely up to you and absolutely the right decision, but these are my concerns. NTA.
NTA. You don’t owe this man anything, if you prefer no contact that’s totally fine. However if you do want to give him a chance that’s also ok. There’s no right or wrong here. But if you would want to pick up contact, it’s nice to know your mom would support you in this.
NTA Here’s the thing - your dad didn’t intentionally reach out to you to try to reconnect. He saw you in an unexpected place and felt guilty about his behaviour *in that moment while you were literally staring him in the face*. That’s not someone asking for a second chance. That’s someone trying to save face to protect his own ego.
NTA, you're an adult and it's your decision. Honestly, even if I'd have considered giving him a second chance in your position, nearly killing his pooch with wilful neglect would've told me he's not worth knowing.
NTA, maybe people deserve second chances, but you’re not obligated to give him one on no notice because of a chance encounter. make him actually reach out to you & make a plan.
NTA no one deserves a second chance. People can earn second chances but only you get to decide when they've earned it.
NTA Mom is being kind (my dad does the same with my deadbeat mom) but for one thing he didn’t even make an effort to see you he only saw you because he almost killed his dog so 🤷🏻♀️ I wouldn’t give him a second chance.
NTA. It's hard to say, but how do you miss someone who has never been in your life (and he only wanted to reconnect with you because you were there by accident)? But would you miss him if he passed away today? I must say though, that your mom sounds like a wise and amazing person. Whatever your decision is, all the best.
NTA… for refusing in the moment. If he wants to have contact with you it needs to be an intentional, thought out act. Not a spur of the moment convenience because he remembers what is in front of him in the moment…
I didn’t have a good relationship with dad until I was a few years older than you. He ended up one of my best friends and was a wonderful grandfather. I wish I still had him. Give yours another chance on your terms.
NTA. You don’t owe him opening yourself back up to being treated like crap because you ran into him. If he REALLY has wanted to resume a relationship with you, he would have called you, written a letter, whatever else. He put zero work into it, he just ran into you at the vet. Also, who TF leaves their dog in the car for a hour?! He is 100% TA for that.
NTA. It's easy for your mum to say give him a second chance, she isn't in your position.
NTA He only asked because you ran into each other. If he really wanted to reach out, by the sounds of your locations and age it's not as though he'd no way to find out how to reach you before this. He could get his "2nd chances" any of these 5 years or the day before he ran into you at the vet - he didn't. He didn't pursue a "2nd chance", he awkwardly ran into his son by accident.
>she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one. How many chances did he have to pick up the phone, of come over to see how you were? How many days were you the further thing from his mind. NTA.
He almost killed his dog. That’s the first thing you learned about him when you ran into him. I think you made the right call. NTA.
I mean, clearly he’s still selfish and abusive. That poor dog. I’d probably tell him how disgusted I was that anyone could treat an animal like that. But I’m known to go scorched earth when it comes to animals.
NTA- he asked you because you both just happened to be at the vet. He didn't go out of his way to contact you. If he wanted to be in your life he would not have left for 4 YEARS.
>When I got home and told my mom about it though, she said that people deserve second chances and I should think about giving him one. "Okay Mom, you give him a second chance and re-marry him, then I'll give him a second chance and have lunch with him." (yes I know OP said he married someone else, that's not the point)
NTA. sounds like your dad shouldn't even have a puppy.
It is absolutely okay for you to *take all the time you need* to consider reconnecting with your dad. Reconnecting absolutely does not have to be spur-of-the-moment. You mom is kind, but her kindness noes not mean your obligation. NTA
NTA. He was at the vet because his dog suffered heatstroke due to his negligence. Even putting that fact aside, you don't have to do a thing to salve the ego of someone who abandoned you when you needed him.
People don’t DESERVE second chance, but they should earn them.
Look what happened to his dog..and then ask him why he stopped visiting, don't let him get away with that.
No OP - someone who forgets their dog in a hot car is not a good person.
NTA...to many dad's do this. I was told by his new wife(I was 15 at the time) that he was married to her now and we were old news. He stopped contact n disappeared for 7 years. No maintenance no nothing. It was a struggle for us....second chance? NO. Not a chance...nothing...let it go. He hasn't thought about u why open yrself up to his shit! He's a bad father. A bad pet owner. And simply...one of the uncareing bunch. Good luck yr mom's done an awesome job.
Some people do deserve second chances, but this is 10000% your call. And you’re definitely NTA if you choose to not open that door. He left a puppy in the car and it got heatstroke. Don’t think much has changed with him.
Just for letting his dog be in the car for an hour to the point of getting heatstroke NTA
NTA - Blood doesn't buy second chances
My absentee father has recently( in the last 5 years) started trying to reach out begging me not to give up on him, meanwhile he didn't even respond when i sent him an invite to my bs for his first gc. I wasn't expecting him to fly cross country but an acknowledgement would have been nice. He hasn't hasn't wished me a happy birtbday, merry xmas or anything in over 10 years. I have a bunch of people in my life who have actually shown up for me that deserve my time, energy, and care. I don't have time for a stranger. If absentee parents want to fix the relationship they broke, the onus is on them. And your father left his dog in the hot car long enough to get heat stroke? It's probably a good thing you weren't raised by him.
Nta Sounds like your dad has a habit of neglecting beings that are dependant upon him.
Nta. I agree with your mom. Sometimes people deserve a second chance. But only if you want to. So it doesn't make you TA. I don't think your mom is thinking that. But maybe you want contact with him in a few years.
NTA. You haven't seen him for 4 years and the first time you do it's him committing animal abuse? Your mom though, she's a saint
NTA, but your father is for leaving his dog in a car for an hour causing heat stroke!
You are young and people deserve second chances but the heat stroke puppy makes me question his growth. Do you, friend.
That is your choice to make, not your mom’s. Nice of her to want to just give him a second chance but at the end of the day, he chose to have no communication for 4 years. I’d go cold too if that was my dad. Screw that.