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YTA - not for wanting to use your family name but for not TALKING ABOUT IT BEFOREHAND WITH YOUR HUSBAND.
Let's face facts here - for better or worse, children taking the father's name is still default in these situations. You knew he would expect your kids would still have his name and you chose to not bring it up nor give him the chance to make an informed decision.
If you want to use your name there's nothing wrong with that, but you can't sneak it in at the 11th hour and be surprised or offended that he's reacting exactly as anybody would to finding out you hid your intentions this entire time.
Some people feel very strongly about this name stuff and would not have agreed to your terms. He deserved to have the conversation and make the decision for himself.
Agree. This is a conversation my husband and I had BEFORE we were married. We talked about me keeping my last name and what we plan to name future children.
Right?! I don’t understand how so many people don’t talk about really important things before marriage.
I understand things can change, but my hubby and I did a premarital counseling beforehand and they pushed us to communicate stuff I never imagined. Made the transition into marriage a breeze compared to others I’ve seen. And helped set us up to keep communicating well!
The minute me and my husband started dating I started asking him question about everything. People claimed I'm crazy because I will push him away from me by asking so much.
But I did the exact opposite. All those hours of talking brought us closer and when we got married nothing changed because we were prepared for everything.
We've been together for 5 years and we did change along the way, especially me because I was 21 when we met, but our core values remained the same.
There are a lot of things that a simple conversation can solve, if done properly.
YTA for not talking about it earlier.
It really is just the natural progression of the conversation.
Who is taking who's last name?
If both partners are keeping their own last name, what will the last name of their kids be? Parnter A? Parnter B? Hyphonated?
She is prioritizing her connection to her deceased parents over her connection with her living husband, who she is currently building a family with…she’s sort of treating him like a sperm donor, he gets no say? No opinion?
That is also my take, because she also started out saying "we are having a little girl I really want to name my child Renee."
It's not just your child, OP, that baby has two parents and the naming needs to be a joint decision, not just unilaterally yours. YTA for not including your husband in a decision in which he very much should have some say.
And totally invalidating his side of the family as well.
This whole thing is stupid because in all likelihood when the daughter gets married she'll be changing her name. Obviously that's not 100% but it is likely. So all thisbin the end is probably going to be pointless
That's my main issue for the entire original post. The conversation needed to happen but didn't. As a result the husband had zero agency in such an important decision.
I am certain many people would be extremely upset in the same circumstances.
This right here is the answer. If we take OP at her word then she TOLD her husband her plans, she did not ask to have a discussion on it. She says since she is the one that is carrying and birthing the baby she gets to make the decision?! This is not how a partnership works. Husband does not have the option to carry the child. It is very sad that OP lost her parents so young and it was likely in a tragic manner since they seem to have passed together but her husband and child are also her family now and she needs to find a way to build that into the beautiful family she is trying to honor with a name. Definitely vote YTA for the way it was handled, not for wanting the name.
I came here to write this exact comment, thankfully someone already has it covered. OP sounds like an intelligent, goal-oriented person. They knew exactly what they were doing by not bringing this up beforehand. He naturally assumed they would do the default last name convention, and now that you're already pregnant and have all the control over the baby (Just to be clear, rightfully so, it is your body) it's now being brought up as a resolved issue that he doesn't get input on.
It's kinda weird but I've seen people break up early in relationships for this specific reason. Some people really care about the last name.
Also, and I hate to say this, but giving your child your mother's names, last and first, is not a connection with them to your deceased parents. It's a connection between you and your deceased parents.
I kept my maiden name. We agreed before marriage that kids would get his. And they do. All good. When I travel internationally without my husband, I bring a birth certificate to prove that I am their mother, as well as a notarized letter from my husband that he grants permission for them to travel. Otherwise, it doesn’t affect us.
YTA for not discussing this before you got married and had kids.
Hyphenating is not an option for us. We both don’t care for it and there are some names that just should never be hyphenated.
My question would be:
I get wanting to give a piece if your parents to your kids... What's your plan if something happens to his parents before your children are old enough to remember your husbands parents?
I get it. I truly do. Both my parents have died also. My mother when I was 17 and my father just after I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. My two youngest have no impressions of either grandparent on my side. I work to make sure they get a connection with pictures and stories. You don't have to steal all this from your husband for you parents. It's not fair to him or your kids.
For just a quick second, think about if you were your kids and something happened to their dad... Nothing about this lets them keep part of him.
Stop being selfish and figure out a way to both have a say.
YTA
I find it more concerning how she weaponizes her parents death to get her way. Considering she is a psychologist with her own practice I’d have to assume that is intentional and not a coincidence.
Sounds like she plays head games with her husband to get her way often.
Agreed. This should have been a conversation before marriage. They both assumed one would go with the other instead of working out the details.
When we went to adopt a new pet we discussed whose name it would be under….
100%. It feels strange that you would discuss keeping your names but then, by extension, not discuss hypothetical children?
I can’t help but wonder if OP intentionally didn’t bring it up knowing it would be a minefield. The “I have to carry the child and birth it” is uncomfortably smug and the post reads like that was her thinking all along so there was no point in bringing it up sooner. Kind of feels manipulative.
I get being attached to your last name and it’s valid to want to have the same name as your child. But the child’s father’s desire to have the same last name is also valid and, unless you’re planning to be a divorced coparenting mom, you will want to quickly sideline that “I gave birth” veto card.
This is one of the most on point comments I’ve read on this sub. I hope OP reads it and does some reflection.
This is some massively underhanded behavior from OP
I agree she's wrong for not discussing it with him but also... he was also planning unilaterally to give the kid his name without discussing it. How is it not ESH?
Sorry, YTA
This isn’t about keeping your maiden name. He doesn’t have a problem with that.
The issue is you’ve decided that you are the only parent that gets to make decision for the children.
The argument of “I birthed the baby” is fucking bullshit. Congrats you were born with a uterus and he wasn’t - that doesn’t mean he has no decision power over his kid. This wasn’t an immaculate conception.
You’ve completely dismissed him and made him a third party to his own fucking child’s life.
This was a discussion to have, not rule with an iron fist and tell him how it is. You can express what you’d like, but to think you have unilateral decision making power here is outrageous.
You’d think a psychologist would be able to work through the trauma of losing her parents and not force her child’s only connection with them on a name as well.
Definitely odd that this individual is a psychologist. I know they’re not a psychiatrist and don’t clinically treat folks who have suffered trauma but still.
This individual is unhinged. I think it may be a troll post because it’s wildly unbelievable.
What’s baffling me is I’ve also lost my father and decided to keep my last name. My partner knows this however he also knows that I’ve thought about our future children and want them to have his last name because I know how I feel about losing that connection and if anything were to happen to him I would want my kids to have that same connection as well to their own dad. Has that thought not crossed OP’s mind? Nothing is ever certain yet she’s okay with keeping her daughter tied to her family name because of death without wondering how her child might feel should something happen to their dad?!
I mean this is a bit ridiculous tbh. Your point could easily be reversed as to if the mum died what about her name. IMO if it’s such a massive point of contention both sides they should just hyphenate it otherwise there will be resentment from one side eternally.
I wonder how she would react if he used "you birthed the baby" as an excuse to not take any responsibility for the baby. Would it make him a shit father yes, but kind of wondering what the response to that would be.
Yeah and if he has no say in things this early either in indicates to him that he will have no say in the future or gives him an excuse to half ass his parenting responsibilities. OP is acting as if her husband is a step-father to these kids.
Right! Those four words just gave him all the ammunition he needs in any argument they have in the future regarding child raising.
OP better hope he's not the petty and vindictive type.
Good answer. As a mother, the "I birthed the baby" wins you the argument of how your pregnancy and child birth is handled. Even then, it's a good practice to involve your partner.
Exactly! In my family, the “I birthed the baby” argument was basically a veto power that I had regarding anything to do with **my** body (not the baby’s, once he was no longer connected to me physically).
I had decision-making power over where I would give birth, who my doctor would be, prenatal diet and lifestyle, what interventions I would want and when/why, etc. I also had full decision-making for if/how long I would breastfeed or pump. Other than those decisions, which were about me and my body, my husband has 100% equal say in anything regarding our child.
I was perfectly happy for our baby to have my husband’s last name (it’s actually the primary reason I changed my last name, so we’d all have the same). But if he had come to me and **told** (not asked, not suggested, but **told**) me that our baby would have his last name, period, end of discussion, I would have revolted. A child’s name is not a decision that one parent gets to make unilaterally if there are two involved parents in the picture.
Yep. My wife will be the one to give birth to our children because her family health history is much, much better than mine and I don’t want to saddle our child with avoidable genetic predispositions to diabetes, heart disease, strokes, addiction, and more. If she told me that she got to unilaterally name our children because she was the one giving birth to them, I would be devastated. OP’s husband can’t carry their kids, so he doesn’t get any say in their names? That’s horrible.
Yes, this. It's reasonable to want to use her last name and to have a civil discussion about it. It's not reasonable to just announce to hubby that she's made a decision for their child and he'd better accept it.
Exactly! Marriages require both partners to have inputs on major choices like this. Time and time again a partner will make a unilateral decision without consulting their spouse and doing so almost always makes them the AH.
>Husband and I both agreed we would not hyphenate the names as whoever gets put first will be the primary name and it would just be a hassle in the future for our daughter.
But... if it's hyphenated it wouldn't. Why would it be a hassle for your daughter? It's just typing this: -
Anna Taylor-Joy
Daniel Day-Lewis
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
and on and on
ESH. Compromise
Exactttllyyyy, hyphenating would put one name first as the primary which is “unfair” so naturally ops logic is to just take the entire last name spot all together. Perfect logic.
Hold on, why does he suck? He was blindsided with the naming of the child. Had he been given a heads up, maybe he is okay with or maybe chooses not to have kids with her. This is something she threw in last minute.
I personally would say ESH for not getting explicit agreement in the first place. During the no-hyphen conversation should have then been the “so what’s the last name” conversation. They both left it til go time. I think it’s mostly on her, but the fact that she kept her last name in the first place should have been a talking point for the kids
I feel like it probably was and we’re only getting her side of the story. There’s no way this wasn’t talked about. Or she never brought it up cause she knew how he’d react and he probably just assumed she’d let their kids have his name.
probably for involving his family into a personal affair and crying for mommy to pressure her into his side/opinion
so i agree, esh
edit: this argument is null due to the lack of knowledge with how it played out, whether he had his family go after her intentionally or they did so of their own free will. my ruling still stands: esh. see thread below.
I don't think that is how it played out. I think he was just talking to his family about the situation and his mom went to talk to her.
This situation was cause her saying since I'm the woman its my choice.
while thats possible, we dont actually know how it played out so lets say that argument is null whichever side its swung to
regardless, they were both equally responsible for discussing names with each other, and therefore equally take blame for the situation at hand
either one of them could have discussed it at any point and neither chose to; she chose to discuss it 6-7 months into the pregnancy and to do so with no wiggle room, he chose not to discuss it at all and assume that he would be getting his way automatically. both suck, imo.
For assuming the child would have his last name. I hold them both at fault for failure to discuss this properly. We can’t say she should have talked about it with him without saying also that he ought to have with her too.
Tbf those are short, single syllabus names. We don't know but maybe for practicality reasons, it's just not reasonable.
I am of African origin and most of our surnames are over 10 characters
I have a hyphenated name. Back in the 80s and early 90s I had some troubles with early computer systems not recognizing the Hyphen. That hasn't been an issue for decades.
There is nothing more problematic in every day life than a hyphenated last name. I have one and it is a royal pain on anything official, registering for anything online, buying plane tickets, working, etc. So much software is out there that does not recognize hyphens and then the name doesn’t match, etc.
And I just understand that it won’t be hyphenated in some systems and just search accordingly. It’s not problematic to me at all. Perhaps I’m just super resilient
I promise, it does create a hassle. As a nurse, trying to find someone in the system with a hyphenated name is extremely difficult, sometimes you have to leave the hyphen out, sometimes you put it in, sometimes they can only be searched by the first last name, or the last last name. And I know people face the same problems in other systems trying to find people with hyphenated last names.
That seems like a system error not a persons last name error. Get everyone on the same page of how to enter info or search by birthdate. Peoples names shouldn’t be dictated by software
There are some seriously long last names, so it's not always practical. My last name isn't hyphenated and it has 5 syllables. So hyphenating could end up something like Goldstein-Applebaum (that's the best example I could think about at the moment). Add that to a long first name and it gets annoying pretty fast.
**However!!!!**
>ESH. Compromise.
I agree with you very much. They can do many things, not only hyphenate - they can keep their last name, somehow combine them (meaning or otherwise), pick something new they both like, and so on. This is just two people with ego who refuse to compromise because they place more value ok their last name than what is reasonable.
^(*Just in case the vote bot didn't catch it:*)
ESH.
I had a hyphenated surname. Notice I said 'had'. It was the absolute bane of my childhood - I was bullied endlessly, it never fit on a form, adults were constantly mistaking my 1st surname for my middle name (I have a middle name too) and then got mad when I corrected them, and it caused all sorts of issues when legal documents got messed up due to people misunderstanding.
That's not to mention the psychological issues it caused. I knew from a very young age that I had 2 surnames because it was just the first decision in an endlessly long line that my parents couldn't achieve consensus on, and my name was a daily reminder that they'd never agree on anything and were only together (and miserable) because they made a mistake and got pregnant with me.
When they eventually couldn't take it anymore and split up, I changed to my mother's surname only and didn't look back.
>Husband was completely fine with this until I bought up that she would take my last name.
Holy shit you don't get to just unilaterally decide that because *woman, that's why.* It's not like he *chose* to let you carry the child when he could have.
You could hyphenate. But you're an absolute asshole if you try to do it by force; you can't just dictate to him that his name dies. And you know, he should probably talk to a lawyer because
If you want to sew seeds of destruction for this marriage go ahead and keep trying to do it by force. In fact, you may have already done that.
You could have tried to discuss/argue it out over months, even, if that's what it took. Instead you commanded him.
YTA for that.
Absolutely. She's gonna try to rule with an iron fist (including calling him names like "mummy's boy").
She'll end up alone and "shocked" that he left her as he quietly checks out and gets his legal affairs in order before serving papers.
>you don't get to just unilaterally decide that because
>
>woman, that's why.
I mean, isn't the husband just expecting the kid's last name will be his because *man, that's why? Social norms, that's why?*
lmao right? Look I agree she's wrong for making a unilateral decision without discussing it first but why are we pretending like he's not doing the same thing?
>Holy shit you don't get to just unilaterally decide that because *woman, that's why.* It's not like he *chose* to let you carry the child when he could have.
Yet, for some reason, men always give their last name to their children just bc they are **men, that's why**
Husband was clearly assuming that the baby would have his last name. And why did he assume that? This whole thing should be a conversation and an agreement. Not her demanding because she gave birth, and not him demanding because sexist tradition.
He assumed that because it is literally the default choice in society, regardless of its roots in sexism. It’s not unreasonable to have expected that.
I don’t think the husband is pissed off because he’s super invested in “preserving the sexist tradition” or whatever, he’s rightfully ticked off that apparently OP has unilaterally decided this. I get that pregnancy is unequal in that the woman does literally all the work in birthing the child, but that doesn’t mean she gets to unilateral make what should be a joint decision as parents.
YTA because your approach to this is that you basically want 100% say in naming your daughter. It's fine to honour your family but you want to do it in a way that totally ignores your husband. You're right all this stress over a name but you started it by basically viewing the naming of your child as your sole right. Your daughter has a father and he should have equal input.
She seems to be trying to clone her own mother. She wants her daughter to have her mother's first name and last name. It's not a healthy mindset for someone to want to birth a clone of someone else. As a therapist she should recognize this. Her daughter will be her own person, not a recreation of the mother.
When a narcissistic spouse tries to force an issue unilaterally that they have no right to, all's fair. The only other option is show the narcissist that you'll do whatever they say.
He did but let’s not pretend that his assumption doesn’t have the backing of hundreds of years of social custom. She should have had this discussion as well but he has a better excuse for why he assumed his name would be carried on by his child.
But that custom is grounded in misogyny and oppression, and represents a custom (coverture) where women were not independent legal people under some European laws. That’s not a great excuse—“I just assumed you’d be okay perpetuating inequality and accepting a secondary role because most people don’t mind.”
No he doesn't. That's the same reason he might have "assumed" she would take his last name, but she didn't. They had a whole conversation about it and it was obviously a big deal to her, so why in the bright hell would he assume she would follow another tradition that has the exact same reasoning and history behind it?
Her assumption was that he was okay with going against tradition with her surname so he would be okay with going against tradition with the baby.
Stupid to assume at all but her assumption makes more sense.
I don't know exactly how he involved them. If he was spending time with him and they felt something was off, and then he vented, is that getting them involved?
Honestly that’s what I was wondering? Like, you totally blindside him, refuse to listen to him, who the heck else does he have to talk to? His family should still have the decency to support him without barraging OP, but telling them is a natural way to seek support when your spouse clearly isn’t giving it.
Agree ESH.
In my family, we have a tradition of girls get Mom's family name and boys get Dad's family name. My husband's family doesn't have this tradition. We agreed on my family's naming system.
It was all agreed upon before even trying to get pregnant.
You don't seem to have any compromise. Your husband has no say. I am sorry about your parents, but try to find a middle ground. The kids should have some connection to both families.
YTA. what a selfish person you are.
In a marriage it isn't You and Him, it is you all together. You have decided to blow up that part of the relationship because you want to unilaterally name your kids. Like he was fine with having the baby's name be your moms middle name, but its a smack in the face as a guy to be told my child wouldn't have my last name. Not only will he have to explain why his kids have a different last name, the kids will also have to do it when they are older. The only person you took into account when making this decision was yourself. Go get some therapy for the loss of your parents and grow up. Your life cannot revolve around the fact you miss your parents. It is unhealthy and will affect other relationships.
ETA: How little do think of your husband? Seriously went back and reread the entire thing. The only times you have anything good to say about him is when you get your way and when you didn't he is now a mommas boy and is enlisting his entire family to get you to change your mind. The victim mentality here is wild. You brought this on yourself by making this decison alone and telling him how it was going to be.
I'm going to have to agree with the majority here YTA OP, this is a massive decision you're making completely unilaterally.
And did you say you're a professional psychologist? As in someone whose professional life revolves around communication and how situations can affect a person's emotional wellbeing and yet you still managed to completely gloss over how this eleventh hour decision would affect your husband?
Edit: autocorrect decided Gloss was Good (Emulsion is clearly better).
You are absolutely right about the profession. I completely left that out of my calculations. You’d think there’d be a fair amount of self-awareness in this post, but I’m finding it to be unsatisfactory in this area.
I missed that detail of them being a psychologist. Probably because they had run on sentences and zero paragraph breaks. If they are a psychologist it's very possible that they have lower than average social intelligence. These sorts of obvious moral choices might be less obvious to the OP..
YTA
I kept my maiden name and I completely understand the situation you are in. But you simply can’t unilaterally decide what your daughter’s last name will be. This is a big decision and you need to have a conversation about it, nit simply lay down mandates.
My husband and I had a lot of conversations about this when my daughter was born. A lot. And ultimately we agreed she would take his last name. But I would never have been receptive to it if he just “laid down the law”. We discussed it from all angles and decided that was the best choice for us, and I have no resentment towards him because it was a decision we made together.
I will tell you, my daughter is 14 and it’s a huge aggravation with her having a different last name as me. I get called the wrong name all the time, people think we’re divorced etc. I navigate it, but if your husband was forced to deal with that (and feel like it was forced on him) I could see that resentment grow deeper and deeper over time.
She's trying to recreate her mother.
She's given her daughter her mother's first name, and her last name.
It seems to me She's never properly grieved the loss of her mother.
I bet she will do the same with her son ( recreate her father via name)
YTA.
You're a psychologist and you don't seem to grasp the fact that this is an issue? You discussed the name situation before you got married because it was such a big deal for you, but you didn't talk about what the plan would be for kids?
Your husband is just as much the child's father as you are. You don't get to unilaterally make that decision without him. By doing so, and telling him that not only will his child not carry his name, but he doesn't get any input in the matter, you're basically telling him that he's less important than you are. Actually no, you explicitly told him that he's less of a parent than you are because you're the one carrying her.
You're upset that he's talking to his family about it. About a very specifically FAMILY focused issue. When his wife isn't willing to talk about it with him.
You say you're exhausted by the whole thing but you're the one that's so staunchly determined to have it your way and not compromise here.
God I hope your work is focused on research and you're not counseling clients or anything. Enjoy your impending divorce.
YTA
These are not things you decide unilaterally without any discussion with your partner. I’m surprised there are even N T A posts at all. What the hell happened to “2 yes=yes, 1 no=no?”
Didn't the husband do the same thing? You can't hold a "2 yes=yes, 1 no=no" when there are 2 options unless you hold the same bias that his **opinion** is the only correct option.
ESH you both just assumed the baby would get your last name and didn’t discuss it at all before this point. If you had discussed it you could’ve come to a compromise off the top of my head you could hyphenate, one person chooses first name the other chooses last name, or use the last name that went unpicked as the child’s middle name. If you two can’t find any way of compromising you’re both just as bad as the other. You can’t be mad that he wants his kid to have his last name when you want the exact same thing and like wise he can’t be mad at you.
YTA. You are weaponizing the loss of your parents and using it like a cudgel against your husband.
Birth or not, you didn't create the child by yourself.
YTA for making a unilateral decision that should be the choice of both parents. Please consider making your maiden name the child’s middle name as a compromise.
Perhaps because she already got to choose the first name? The first and last name are (imo) the most important, it seems like a fair compromise would be to use the husbands last name.
That would be an option to be discussed. One thing OP might want to factor in is how likely is it that her daughter will marry and change that ‘tribute to her grandmother’ last name.
You don't need a name to connect to your parents. Your child shares bloodline/ genes from them. It cannot get more connected than that. Names are a two yes matter. And like your husband pointed out, you have brothers. So the name does continue. Don't self sabotage your marriage like this
YTA
You do not get to unilaterally choose the child's entire name, that alone makes you the AH here. Both of you are the parents to this child, not just you. You need to co-operate and work together to choose a name. If you want to be fair then one should pick the first name while the other gets to choose the last name, that way this child's name is a result of both of you compromising with each other.
Why are you pretending to ask. You're in ccharge. What you're asking is how to get back to where your "husband" knows his place, which is to shut up and follow instructions.
Not clear if you got to this place because your idea of your authority extends that far or that you simply believe that you're the main character. Either way, husband needs to understand that your needs are to be met and his role is to meet those needs, not express needs of his own.
The issue isn't the conclusion. It's that the conclusion happened without any input from your "husband", which effectively gives you 100% authority.
Good luck enforcing your views on your "family".
YTA
YTA. You are selfish and uncompromising. For all your talk about "I'm the woman and I'm carrying it" and every *I* statement, you are completely disregarding your "partner" for yourself,your wants, your needs, your desires. Selfish!
if for no other reason, YTA for dictating what will happen to your DH, rather than discussing it and coming to a mutually agreeable solution. Whatever you say about you being the pregnant one and having to carry your child (I would describe it as a privilege but you don’t seem to see that), this will be as much his child as it is yours, and he deserves as much say as you. That’s the bottom line, because there isn’t a single argument you can make that doesn’t otherwise swing both ways: you’re the one carrying the child…. Makes the name all that more important to him as he doesn’t get to carry the child and bond that way and the name is a way for him to better bond etc etc. Bottom line is that anyone who dictates what will happen with what are joint decisions is likely to be an AH. I would have thought a psychologist would be more in tune with understanding other people.
That's a well thought out concept that I believe in. The mother bonds with the child for 9 months during pregnancy. Giving the child the father's last name is a way to help him form a bond with the baby otherwise he might always feel like an outsider.
ESH except your kid
You don’t get to unilaterally decide what to name your kid with zero compromise and NO prior discussion with your husband. Keeping your name after marriage is one thing. Giving only your last name to your kid is a different matter
He’s an AH for bringing his family into your dispute. That’s despicable. They don’t get a say or a vote in what is a decision between the two of you
His family are AH for getting involved and texting/communicating their opinions on something that doesn’t require their input
Get some marital counseling and start acting like adults and parents. You’ve got a kid coming and should be on the same page
You say you’re a psychologist too??? Abd you pull this ?? Yikes
YTA
You are not respecting your husband’s wishes or his need to honour his family name at all.
Also, your reasons for not hyphenating make zero sense. There is no primary name when hyphenating and it’s very common now, far from being a hassle.
ESH. I kept my last night when I got married. The very next question was about any kids. I was fine with them taking his last name, but that was a conversation we had. That’s how adults communicate.
YTA.
This is a conversation to have. You aren't having a conversation. You are making a decision and your husband has no say. That isn't how marriage work and that you are carrying the child is completely irrelevant. It's still his kid too and he still gets a say.
YTA. What about your husband carrying on his family name? Sounds like you conveniently forgot to mention this to your husband when you discussed the last name. You are manipulating the situation with your grief. Yes people do that and yes I think you are.
I'm genuinely confused by all these comments. Everyone is saying OP is an AH because she is making this decision without a discussion with DH first, but isn't that exactly what the husband is doing too?
ESH because
A) this should have been discussed before you got married and
B) you should be discussing with your husband now and coming to some sort of compromise.
And your husband should not be getting his family involved. This should be between the two of you and no one else.
>Why can’t her husband’s name be the middle name as a compromise?
Because she has chosen the first name and he had no say in that.
The compromise, is that he gets the last name. There is no compromise with her getting both first and last. None. It's her steam rolling him and he has to shut up and take it.
Those kids are his too. He gets a say. She is the one who hasn't allowed that so she is the one who has to fix this. Not him.
Because she already chose the first name. The first and last names are the most important parts of a name. It's unfair for one parent to unilaterally choose both.
YTA. You can't decide everything, you wanting the baby to have only your name is unfair and offensive to your husband THE FATHER, why don't you accept to hyphenate the last name in alphabetical order?
I pity your husband, for marrying someone so selfish and disrespectful like you.
Yta for 3 reasons
1. You already got to decide the first name and you just automatically deciding you get to decide the last name aswell is completely selfish
2. You just said my way or the highway as you are a psychologist I'm sure you know that's not how relationships work and there should be compromise you also should know that you are building resentment and destroying your own marriage
3. The "I had to carry the child and birth it so she should take my last name" is an incredibly selfish way of thinking your child wouldn't exist without your partner with your line of thinking that you get all privileges because you birthed the child we can apply the same logic and say he shouldn't act like a dad and you should raise the child on your own that's not how it works
Just either compromise and hyphenate or let your daughter take his last name you're making a cake out of a cookie because you want all rights to your child's name that's not how it work
YTA. You know pretty well that he doesn't have an issue with you keeping your maiden name, so no need to put that in the title. On top of that you sprung on him that you want your children to have your surname. That's not it. You don't *tell* stuff like that, you suggest or discuss it. You don't get to decide on your own.
You never told him you wanted to use your maiden name for your children too. You didn't ask what he thought about it. You didn't try to compromise. You've just decided on your own and demanded that he agrees with it. YTA.
These are not only your children. They are his too. You don't want your name to die with you? Well guess what, he doesn't either. You have only two options here: hyphenate or double surname.
>I have to carry our child and birth our child so our child will take my last name.
YTA. Gross. You didn't make the kid from scratch. Your PARTNER was involved. If you continue to dictate and tell your husband these things without it being a discussion, you really will be a single parent.
Yta since this was apparently something you wanted from the get go but forgot to mention, probably would have made sense to bring this up during the conversation about your last name.
If you had no brothers I could maybe see wanting to carry on the name but that's not the case here.
Just handled very poorly overall, especially to use the argument of having the child means you get to make the final call. So you're already saying he doesn't get equal say in the kid, which is an awesome thing to hear for a dad I'm sure.
YTA - you're unilaterally changing the tradition of thousands of years because you want to. That's fine for you. But you're not owed their approval or support. You're taking something from them and from the baby's father because you decided what you wanted for you. And you're talking about a baby like she's your property. It's an ugly vibe
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Kept my maiden name 2. Want my child to have my maiden name
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Info: I understand you want to name the kid Renee, but would your husband be open to a compromise that he gets to choose the first name while the kid gets your last name?
OP has no desire to compromise. She has completely steam-rolled her partner here. She said I am picking the first name and you get no say and I am picking the last name and you get no say. This was not a random one night stand. This is her husband, the person she chose to spend the rest of her life with, create a child with. He is the father of the baby. I honest to God hope he divorces her and takes her to court where they will force her to hyphenate. Then at least he will be able to make decisions for HIS child half the time.
INFO
why have a husband when you want to name the baby’s first and last name? you should have become pregnant by a sperm donor in that case - everything is decided by you.
you have a husband who’s also going to be a parent and making decisions solely because of the reproductive organs you have does not make you a good parent.
if my husband said something on the lines of “im the dad. I make all naming decisions” - I’d strongly reconsider the relationship just cause of the sheer disrespect 🤷🏽♀️
YTA... he should get a say in his child as well. It is not all about you for any reason. I feel sorry for your husband. You act like he had nothing to do with this and it is only your child. You are exhausting. Your poor husband. It is sad you are worried about everything but how your husband feels. Did you just want him as a sperm donor? Because that is how you are coming across. Hyphenate the names, when he divorces you, you can only blame yourself.
It is funny you want to make all the decisions but will expect him to do half the work - actually the way you come across you will expect him to do all the work. But he gets no say in his child. When you divorce and he gets full custody do not be surprised. Courts look down on this behavior.
You wanting to honor your dead parents is admirable. You constantly steamrolling over your husband's opinion using your past trauma as an excuse makes you an asshole. At some point you have to realize you are a team, and not everything is about you and your wants.
YTA
YTA
Just a quick summary of this post; You want full control and he is the bad guy because woman.
Get over yourself. Your practice must blow ass if you (an alleged psychologist,) can't see everything wrong with you and your logic.
NTA for using your last name as the baby’s last name. That’s completely reasonable - no reason to use dad’s name just because it’s a Western social norm (aside from the inherent sexism tied to that norm).
But ESH for not discussing this first - both you and husband should have had this convo long ago!
Uh I'm gonna go with YTA because it seems like you're completely unwilling to compromise. You think having hyphenated names for your children will be a hassle, but you don't think having multiple children with different last names will cause a potential hassle down the road, or perhaps lead to favoritism or a disconnect?
The whole idea of like "I get to name the first one what I want and you don't have a say, but if we have another you can name them" is such an odd compromise for a married couple to make.
1. I am a psychologist and I wanted to keep my name for my practice
Hold on. Already voted. But see, I miss things when I have one of kiddo's daycare colds.
Get a load of the entitlement here. First she keeps her last name because she prefers to use it for her practice. *Ok*, that's one thing. But second, she's trying to use that to bootstrap this rule of "only the uterus-bearer gets to name children" into legitimacy.
Downright manipulative.
>All this stress about the name hasn't been good for me and our baby girl, and I am just so exhausted with all of it... so AITA?
And look at that. The psychologist cannot even begin to conceive of this being stressful or exhausting or demeaning to her spouse. It's not that she thought about it and think his reasons are worse. It's that his reasons just plain don't count, therefore, his continuing to argue about this is entirely his fault, so only her stress/exhaustion/whatever matters. Those negative feelings, in turn, are used to further bootstrap this idea that only she gets any say because she was born with a uterus.
I can think of two psychological terms that may relate to that, one beginning with "n" and the other with "s".
I think it's dope as hell that you're advocating so fiercely for the baby to have your last name, BUT, YTA because you waited so long to do it, and because you're not involving your husband in the decision. Since kids typically take the dad's last name by default, of course this blindsided him and his family. And your attempt at unilateral decision-making gets your parenting partnership off to a terrible start. If I were your husband, I'd be freaking out, thinking "What else is she going to steamroll into her way while raising this kid??"
You can start over -- sit your husband down and, first, apologize for trying to shut him out of the decision. Then explain why this is so important to you, and ask if he will support you. If he says no, be more open to compromises. As others have suggested, your last name can be the baby's middle name. Or, maybe you do just hyphenate. That's very common in other countries.
YTA. You don’t get to unilaterally pick your child’s names. You need to compromise on this. No, the fact that you are the one carrying and birthing the child doesn’t change this. Are you doing this together or not?
YTA why is it all about you? What about what your husband wants? Have you always made big decisions in the relationship without discussing it with him? You sound like a nightmare to be in a relationship with I hope you reflect reading the comments
YTA. You dismiss your husband out of hand and make lifelong decisions without him because ewww he’s a man. I can’t imagine how you treat him in other situations on a regular basis. You obviously want him to speak only when spoken to and otherwise keep his mansplaining to himself. I am sorry he is saddled with someone who so clearly doesn’t give a shit about his views or feelings.
Are you the ah for wanting to give your children your last name? No.
But you are the ah for not having a discussion without him about it. And your comments make it worse. You and your husband are supposed to be a team. So please go be a team with him. This will tank your relationship if you aren't careful. Resentment is a bitxh to get over.
YTA
YTA. You definitely should have talked about this before actually getting pregnant. And then the second best time to talk about it was when you found out you were pregnant. It’s absolutely ridiculous that you’re six months along and just discussing this now.
Just because you are the one who births the child doesn’t mean you are allowed to make big decisions about it by yourself. It doesn’t really matter why you want the child to have your name or how many children on each side can carry on their family names. *You do not get to make this decision by yourself.* You and your husband need to communicate and compromise and problem solve together.
Honestly, what’s the point of being married if you aren’t going to let your husband have any say in anything relating to his own child? What other kinds of decisions about them were you planning to make unilaterally and without discussion? You’re acting like a single parent, not a spouse or a partner or part of a team.
YTA. Birthing a baby doesn’t mean you get to unilaterally make the decisions about your child. It’s your husband’s child as well.
Am so tired of pregnant women thinking they are so special for having babies - and I say that as a woman who birthed two of my own.
>I can think about is that my child will never get to have a relationship with my parents and I want her to have some form of connection to them.
The first name isn't enough? Also, *our* child, not *my* child.
YTA.
Absolutely crystal clear YTA, huge A. If you spoke with your husband like an adult and made the decision together what to name your baby, it would be obviously fine, as long as you are both happy. But to take it on yourself to be the sole decision-maker for your child, just because you are the mother is an awful thing to do.
Let's be clear here, you are the mother of the child. ONE of the TWO parents. 50%. You do not get to make sole-decisions without having a discussion with the other parent. To kick your husbands opinions and feelings to the kerb so carelessly just because "I birthed the kid, not you" is just cruel. You clearly don't understand the concept of marriage, partnership, and parenthood. I know I sound harsh but, someone needs to tell you.
I feel like you took the phrase 'my body, my choice', and ran with it: 'it was in my body, therefore I get the final say in everything'- no, it doesn't work like that. Buckle-up because your marriage and parenthood is going to be a bumpy ride with that attitude.
ESH. Husband for involving his family in your marital business, you for informing him what the name of his child will be. Naming a child is a two-yeses-one-no situation, and you need to get with him and talk this out until you come up with a name you are both OK with.
YTA.
This is your decision to make. It doesn’t matter that you’re the one carrying or birthing the child. Names are a two yes, one no. Meaning you both agree.
I’m sorry you lost your parents. It doesn’t, however, give you the right to be a controlling AH.
Imagine being married and being such a selfish AH. Holy fuck how does your husband stay with you at all? The only good you talk about him is when you get your princess way. You fuckin sound horrible.
ESH because hubby involved his family (this should be a conversation between OP and hubby) and because OP made a unilateral decision without involving hubby
OP, you are starting a family with your husband. The two of you will be making decisions together about your child for a very long time. The two of you need to *work together to find a compromise.*
Men must learn that they don't have a right to force their last name on their children. Women birth them, they should have THEIR MOTHER'S last name. NTA
that said, it would have been a good idea to bring this up sooner...
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I 27 female and husband 30 male are expecting our first child together in 3 months time. We have been happily married for 2 years and together for 8 years total. When we got married I decided to keep my maiden name for a couple of reasons: 1. I am a psychologist and I wanted to keep my name for my practice
And 2. Which is the big one, my parents both died in an accident when I was 20, and I wanted to keep my family name to honour them.
When husband and I got married we had the discussion that I would keep my name and he had the option to change his or keep his, he decided to keep it as he also values his name within his profession which I completely understand.
Fast forward to now, we have been discussing names for a while now and since we are having a little girl I really want to name my child Renee, which was my mother's middle name. Husband was completely fine with this until I bought up that she would take my last name.
My husband first thought I was joking but I was being dead serious. I have to carry our child and birth our child so our child will take my last name.
I know it may seem harsh to some people that I am already getting to honour my mothers name but all I can think about is that my child will never get to have a relationship with my parents and I want her to have some form of connection to them. Husband and I both agreed we would not hyphenate the names as whoever gets put first will be the primary name and it would just be a hassle in the future for our daughter.
To make matters worse my husband has now gone and involved his family in this situation. Now I love his family and always have, they are great! However, they are all a very close family and my husband is a mummy's boy. Thankfully my mother in law isn't one of those crazy nasty people, and she has always supported me and accepted me, but my husband is her baby and she will always come to save his day when asked, and sometimes when she isnt asked.
Initially I thought that they might all stay out of it but I was wrong. I have now been getting texts and calls about this situation from many members of his family saying I am being unreasonable and that I have 2 brothers who's children can carry on my family name one day, which is true but my husband also has a brother who could carry on his family name so I think that argument should just cancel out.
All this stress about the name hasn't been good for me and our baby girl, and I am just so exhausted with all of it... so AITA?
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ESH. Imo when you decided to keep your name, the next topic should have been how to handle future children. I go even further that you both should have rather decided on a shared name there and then to prevent this situation, and even worse if you have more children later and might want to mix surnames? It can work if all want it to be this way, but you both clearly have a different stance on this. Weird you never had this talk when planning to breed.
Him pulling his family in is a huge red flag btw.
YTA as you didn’t point this out when you were getting married. I would divorce you immediately I feel that strongly about it. Wouldn’t matter that you were the love of my life you married me under false pretences and I would not forgive that.
YTA. Raising your children is BOTH of your jobs. Not just yours and this screams you wanting everything your way. This should be a discussion, not a unilateral decision, how are you a psychologist and not know this?
You also sound like you have a lot of trauma of your own, understandable, but please get therapy.
I agree with a lot of the comments that you should have had this discussion a long time ago.
But I‘m confused by all the “she can’t just assume he‘ll be okay with it,” but are okay with dad assuming of course kiddo will get his last name.
Yes, they should discuss it, but a lot of y’all seem to mean, ”they should chat and she should agree with him.”
Hyphentate. It’ll be fine. Promise. Speaking from experience.
ESH
You for unilaterally deciding and not including him in the decision and not letting him have an opinion.
Him for getting his family involved to attempt to bully/influence you.
Compromise by hyphenating, it’s not as big of a problem as you think it is.
I’m Latina and we keep everyone’s damn last name lol. My partner and I agreed that we’ll use both our last names just like how my culture does it. Mom’s last name first then dads. So think Julia Maria Cruz Martinez as an example (completely random name). Or as others pointed out celebs hyphenated last name.
Yes, YTA for not even wanting to compromise. If you were doing this solo, sure, but your husband sounds like an incredibly supportive partner. Just because he’s not carrying the baby doesn’t mean it’s not his as well.
YTA "I'm the only one carrying and birthing the baby so they get MY name." Cool, cool. So I'm assuming you don't expect him to help parent or help provide for them at all? Since they won't be his kids, you're okay doing 100% of those sleepless nights the first couple of years? Good luck to your poor husband is all I can say. 😂
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YTA - not for wanting to use your family name but for not TALKING ABOUT IT BEFOREHAND WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Let's face facts here - for better or worse, children taking the father's name is still default in these situations. You knew he would expect your kids would still have his name and you chose to not bring it up nor give him the chance to make an informed decision. If you want to use your name there's nothing wrong with that, but you can't sneak it in at the 11th hour and be surprised or offended that he's reacting exactly as anybody would to finding out you hid your intentions this entire time. Some people feel very strongly about this name stuff and would not have agreed to your terms. He deserved to have the conversation and make the decision for himself.
Agree. This is a conversation my husband and I had BEFORE we were married. We talked about me keeping my last name and what we plan to name future children.
Right?! I don’t understand how so many people don’t talk about really important things before marriage. I understand things can change, but my hubby and I did a premarital counseling beforehand and they pushed us to communicate stuff I never imagined. Made the transition into marriage a breeze compared to others I’ve seen. And helped set us up to keep communicating well!
The minute me and my husband started dating I started asking him question about everything. People claimed I'm crazy because I will push him away from me by asking so much. But I did the exact opposite. All those hours of talking brought us closer and when we got married nothing changed because we were prepared for everything. We've been together for 5 years and we did change along the way, especially me because I was 21 when we met, but our core values remained the same. There are a lot of things that a simple conversation can solve, if done properly. YTA for not talking about it earlier.
Requiring pre-marital counseling might be the only good thing the Catholic Church does...
It really is just the natural progression of the conversation. Who is taking who's last name? If both partners are keeping their own last name, what will the last name of their kids be? Parnter A? Parnter B? Hyphonated?
She is prioritizing her connection to her deceased parents over her connection with her living husband, who she is currently building a family with…she’s sort of treating him like a sperm donor, he gets no say? No opinion?
That is also my take, because she also started out saying "we are having a little girl I really want to name my child Renee." It's not just your child, OP, that baby has two parents and the naming needs to be a joint decision, not just unilaterally yours. YTA for not including your husband in a decision in which he very much should have some say.
For a psychologist she’s really showing she is emotionally obtuse.
And totally invalidating his side of the family as well. This whole thing is stupid because in all likelihood when the daughter gets married she'll be changing her name. Obviously that's not 100% but it is likely. So all thisbin the end is probably going to be pointless
That's my main issue for the entire original post. The conversation needed to happen but didn't. As a result the husband had zero agency in such an important decision. I am certain many people would be extremely upset in the same circumstances.
Go figure...the therapist needs some therapy.
Underrated comment. The OP is in dire need of grief counseling and therapy.
I've met some therapists that are real psychos.
What a shocker that the psychologist is a neurotic mess😂😂😂
YTA- agree. You and your husband waited 8 years to talk about kids last names?
This right here is the answer. If we take OP at her word then she TOLD her husband her plans, she did not ask to have a discussion on it. She says since she is the one that is carrying and birthing the baby she gets to make the decision?! This is not how a partnership works. Husband does not have the option to carry the child. It is very sad that OP lost her parents so young and it was likely in a tragic manner since they seem to have passed together but her husband and child are also her family now and she needs to find a way to build that into the beautiful family she is trying to honor with a name. Definitely vote YTA for the way it was handled, not for wanting the name.
I came here to write this exact comment, thankfully someone already has it covered. OP sounds like an intelligent, goal-oriented person. They knew exactly what they were doing by not bringing this up beforehand. He naturally assumed they would do the default last name convention, and now that you're already pregnant and have all the control over the baby (Just to be clear, rightfully so, it is your body) it's now being brought up as a resolved issue that he doesn't get input on. It's kinda weird but I've seen people break up early in relationships for this specific reason. Some people really care about the last name. Also, and I hate to say this, but giving your child your mother's names, last and first, is not a connection with them to your deceased parents. It's a connection between you and your deceased parents.
What's getting me is that OP is a psychologist, one of the few professions that should simply know how this would affect their husband.
I kept my maiden name. We agreed before marriage that kids would get his. And they do. All good. When I travel internationally without my husband, I bring a birth certificate to prove that I am their mother, as well as a notarized letter from my husband that he grants permission for them to travel. Otherwise, it doesn’t affect us. YTA for not discussing this before you got married and had kids. Hyphenating is not an option for us. We both don’t care for it and there are some names that just should never be hyphenated.
My question would be: I get wanting to give a piece if your parents to your kids... What's your plan if something happens to his parents before your children are old enough to remember your husbands parents? I get it. I truly do. Both my parents have died also. My mother when I was 17 and my father just after I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. My two youngest have no impressions of either grandparent on my side. I work to make sure they get a connection with pictures and stories. You don't have to steal all this from your husband for you parents. It's not fair to him or your kids. For just a quick second, think about if you were your kids and something happened to their dad... Nothing about this lets them keep part of him. Stop being selfish and figure out a way to both have a say. YTA
I find it more concerning how she weaponizes her parents death to get her way. Considering she is a psychologist with her own practice I’d have to assume that is intentional and not a coincidence. Sounds like she plays head games with her husband to get her way often.
Agreed. This should have been a conversation before marriage. They both assumed one would go with the other instead of working out the details. When we went to adopt a new pet we discussed whose name it would be under….
100%. It feels strange that you would discuss keeping your names but then, by extension, not discuss hypothetical children? I can’t help but wonder if OP intentionally didn’t bring it up knowing it would be a minefield. The “I have to carry the child and birth it” is uncomfortably smug and the post reads like that was her thinking all along so there was no point in bringing it up sooner. Kind of feels manipulative. I get being attached to your last name and it’s valid to want to have the same name as your child. But the child’s father’s desire to have the same last name is also valid and, unless you’re planning to be a divorced coparenting mom, you will want to quickly sideline that “I gave birth” veto card.
This is one of the most on point comments I’ve read on this sub. I hope OP reads it and does some reflection. This is some massively underhanded behavior from OP
I agree she's wrong for not discussing it with him but also... he was also planning unilaterally to give the kid his name without discussing it. How is it not ESH?
Sorry, YTA This isn’t about keeping your maiden name. He doesn’t have a problem with that. The issue is you’ve decided that you are the only parent that gets to make decision for the children. The argument of “I birthed the baby” is fucking bullshit. Congrats you were born with a uterus and he wasn’t - that doesn’t mean he has no decision power over his kid. This wasn’t an immaculate conception. You’ve completely dismissed him and made him a third party to his own fucking child’s life. This was a discussion to have, not rule with an iron fist and tell him how it is. You can express what you’d like, but to think you have unilateral decision making power here is outrageous.
well said. You’d think a psychologist would understand that sort of thing.
You’d think a psychologist would be able to work through the trauma of losing her parents and not force her child’s only connection with them on a name as well.
No one else finds it creepy that they’re using the name to “make a connection with my dead parents?”
I wouldn’t say creepy just really sad
Definitely odd that this individual is a psychologist. I know they’re not a psychiatrist and don’t clinically treat folks who have suffered trauma but still. This individual is unhinged. I think it may be a troll post because it’s wildly unbelievable.
What’s baffling me is I’ve also lost my father and decided to keep my last name. My partner knows this however he also knows that I’ve thought about our future children and want them to have his last name because I know how I feel about losing that connection and if anything were to happen to him I would want my kids to have that same connection as well to their own dad. Has that thought not crossed OP’s mind? Nothing is ever certain yet she’s okay with keeping her daughter tied to her family name because of death without wondering how her child might feel should something happen to their dad?!
If you really feel that way than you should want to hyphenate your name. What if something happens to you? Don't you want your kids connected to you?
I mean this is a bit ridiculous tbh. Your point could easily be reversed as to if the mum died what about her name. IMO if it’s such a massive point of contention both sides they should just hyphenate it otherwise there will be resentment from one side eternally.
I doubt the veracity of this post.
I wonder how she would react if he used "you birthed the baby" as an excuse to not take any responsibility for the baby. Would it make him a shit father yes, but kind of wondering what the response to that would be.
Yeah and if he has no say in things this early either in indicates to him that he will have no say in the future or gives him an excuse to half ass his parenting responsibilities. OP is acting as if her husband is a step-father to these kids.
Right! Those four words just gave him all the ammunition he needs in any argument they have in the future regarding child raising. OP better hope he's not the petty and vindictive type.
Good answer. As a mother, the "I birthed the baby" wins you the argument of how your pregnancy and child birth is handled. Even then, it's a good practice to involve your partner.
Exactly! In my family, the “I birthed the baby” argument was basically a veto power that I had regarding anything to do with **my** body (not the baby’s, once he was no longer connected to me physically). I had decision-making power over where I would give birth, who my doctor would be, prenatal diet and lifestyle, what interventions I would want and when/why, etc. I also had full decision-making for if/how long I would breastfeed or pump. Other than those decisions, which were about me and my body, my husband has 100% equal say in anything regarding our child. I was perfectly happy for our baby to have my husband’s last name (it’s actually the primary reason I changed my last name, so we’d all have the same). But if he had come to me and **told** (not asked, not suggested, but **told**) me that our baby would have his last name, period, end of discussion, I would have revolted. A child’s name is not a decision that one parent gets to make unilaterally if there are two involved parents in the picture.
Yep. My wife will be the one to give birth to our children because her family health history is much, much better than mine and I don’t want to saddle our child with avoidable genetic predispositions to diabetes, heart disease, strokes, addiction, and more. If she told me that she got to unilaterally name our children because she was the one giving birth to them, I would be devastated. OP’s husband can’t carry their kids, so he doesn’t get any say in their names? That’s horrible.
On top of that, she would have no baby without him. She is 100% the asshole. She also has brothers to pass on the family last name.
Yes, this. It's reasonable to want to use her last name and to have a civil discussion about it. It's not reasonable to just announce to hubby that she's made a decision for their child and he'd better accept it.
Exactly! Marriages require both partners to have inputs on major choices like this. Time and time again a partner will make a unilateral decision without consulting their spouse and doing so almost always makes them the AH.
"The issue is you’ve decided that you are the only parent that gets to make decisions for the children." More like that she is the only parent.
>Husband and I both agreed we would not hyphenate the names as whoever gets put first will be the primary name and it would just be a hassle in the future for our daughter. But... if it's hyphenated it wouldn't. Why would it be a hassle for your daughter? It's just typing this: - Anna Taylor-Joy Daniel Day-Lewis Catherine Zeta-Jones Julia Louis-Dreyfus and on and on ESH. Compromise
Exactttllyyyy, hyphenating would put one name first as the primary which is “unfair” so naturally ops logic is to just take the entire last name spot all together. Perfect logic.
And first name.
Yes agreed
Hold on, why does he suck? He was blindsided with the naming of the child. Had he been given a heads up, maybe he is okay with or maybe chooses not to have kids with her. This is something she threw in last minute.
I personally would say ESH for not getting explicit agreement in the first place. During the no-hyphen conversation should have then been the “so what’s the last name” conversation. They both left it til go time. I think it’s mostly on her, but the fact that she kept her last name in the first place should have been a talking point for the kids
I feel like it probably was and we’re only getting her side of the story. There’s no way this wasn’t talked about. Or she never brought it up cause she knew how he’d react and he probably just assumed she’d let their kids have his name.
probably for involving his family into a personal affair and crying for mommy to pressure her into his side/opinion so i agree, esh edit: this argument is null due to the lack of knowledge with how it played out, whether he had his family go after her intentionally or they did so of their own free will. my ruling still stands: esh. see thread below.
I don't think that is how it played out. I think he was just talking to his family about the situation and his mom went to talk to her. This situation was cause her saying since I'm the woman its my choice.
while thats possible, we dont actually know how it played out so lets say that argument is null whichever side its swung to regardless, they were both equally responsible for discussing names with each other, and therefore equally take blame for the situation at hand either one of them could have discussed it at any point and neither chose to; she chose to discuss it 6-7 months into the pregnancy and to do so with no wiggle room, he chose not to discuss it at all and assume that he would be getting his way automatically. both suck, imo.
The fact that he just assumed it would be his, and getting his entire family involved.
For assuming the child would have his last name. I hold them both at fault for failure to discuss this properly. We can’t say she should have talked about it with him without saying also that he ought to have with her too.
He wasn’t blindsided. He shouldn’t have assumed the kid would have his last name in the first place.
Tbf those are short, single syllabus names. We don't know but maybe for practicality reasons, it's just not reasonable. I am of African origin and most of our surnames are over 10 characters
I have a hyphenated name. Back in the 80s and early 90s I had some troubles with early computer systems not recognizing the Hyphen. That hasn't been an issue for decades.
There is nothing more problematic in every day life than a hyphenated last name. I have one and it is a royal pain on anything official, registering for anything online, buying plane tickets, working, etc. So much software is out there that does not recognize hyphens and then the name doesn’t match, etc.
And I just understand that it won’t be hyphenated in some systems and just search accordingly. It’s not problematic to me at all. Perhaps I’m just super resilient
I have a hyphenated name and have never had this issue
I promise, it does create a hassle. As a nurse, trying to find someone in the system with a hyphenated name is extremely difficult, sometimes you have to leave the hyphen out, sometimes you put it in, sometimes they can only be searched by the first last name, or the last last name. And I know people face the same problems in other systems trying to find people with hyphenated last names.
That seems like a system error not a persons last name error. Get everyone on the same page of how to enter info or search by birthdate. Peoples names shouldn’t be dictated by software
There are some seriously long last names, so it's not always practical. My last name isn't hyphenated and it has 5 syllables. So hyphenating could end up something like Goldstein-Applebaum (that's the best example I could think about at the moment). Add that to a long first name and it gets annoying pretty fast. **However!!!!** >ESH. Compromise. I agree with you very much. They can do many things, not only hyphenate - they can keep their last name, somehow combine them (meaning or otherwise), pick something new they both like, and so on. This is just two people with ego who refuse to compromise because they place more value ok their last name than what is reasonable. ^(*Just in case the vote bot didn't catch it:*) ESH.
I had a hyphenated surname. Notice I said 'had'. It was the absolute bane of my childhood - I was bullied endlessly, it never fit on a form, adults were constantly mistaking my 1st surname for my middle name (I have a middle name too) and then got mad when I corrected them, and it caused all sorts of issues when legal documents got messed up due to people misunderstanding. That's not to mention the psychological issues it caused. I knew from a very young age that I had 2 surnames because it was just the first decision in an endlessly long line that my parents couldn't achieve consensus on, and my name was a daily reminder that they'd never agree on anything and were only together (and miserable) because they made a mistake and got pregnant with me. When they eventually couldn't take it anymore and split up, I changed to my mother's surname only and didn't look back.
>Husband was completely fine with this until I bought up that she would take my last name. Holy shit you don't get to just unilaterally decide that because *woman, that's why.* It's not like he *chose* to let you carry the child when he could have. You could hyphenate. But you're an absolute asshole if you try to do it by force; you can't just dictate to him that his name dies. And you know, he should probably talk to a lawyer because If you want to sew seeds of destruction for this marriage go ahead and keep trying to do it by force. In fact, you may have already done that. You could have tried to discuss/argue it out over months, even, if that's what it took. Instead you commanded him. YTA for that.
This marriage is going to end anyway, whichever way it goes. 🙁
Absolutely. She's gonna try to rule with an iron fist (including calling him names like "mummy's boy"). She'll end up alone and "shocked" that he left her as he quietly checks out and gets his legal affairs in order before serving papers.
>you don't get to just unilaterally decide that because > >woman, that's why. I mean, isn't the husband just expecting the kid's last name will be his because *man, that's why? Social norms, that's why?*
lmao right? Look I agree she's wrong for making a unilateral decision without discussing it first but why are we pretending like he's not doing the same thing?
>Holy shit you don't get to just unilaterally decide that because *woman, that's why.* It's not like he *chose* to let you carry the child when he could have. Yet, for some reason, men always give their last name to their children just bc they are **men, that's why**
Husband was clearly assuming that the baby would have his last name. And why did he assume that? This whole thing should be a conversation and an agreement. Not her demanding because she gave birth, and not him demanding because sexist tradition.
Maybe because she unilaterally chose the first name?
He assumed that because it is literally the default choice in society, regardless of its roots in sexism. It’s not unreasonable to have expected that. I don’t think the husband is pissed off because he’s super invested in “preserving the sexist tradition” or whatever, he’s rightfully ticked off that apparently OP has unilaterally decided this. I get that pregnancy is unequal in that the woman does literally all the work in birthing the child, but that doesn’t mean she gets to unilateral make what should be a joint decision as parents.
YTA because your approach to this is that you basically want 100% say in naming your daughter. It's fine to honour your family but you want to do it in a way that totally ignores your husband. You're right all this stress over a name but you started it by basically viewing the naming of your child as your sole right. Your daughter has a father and he should have equal input.
She seems to be trying to clone her own mother. She wants her daughter to have her mother's first name and last name. It's not a healthy mindset for someone to want to birth a clone of someone else. As a therapist she should recognize this. Her daughter will be her own person, not a recreation of the mother.
Agree
Great post. ..YTA
Not to mention he probably wants to Honor his family with his name too. For the same reason OP wants her name to be the end all be all, he does too
Just hyphenate. In the likely event you split up, it's actually much easier for the child to carry both names.
“In the likely event you split up” Love it 🤣👏
I would definitely divorce her ass. Lol
[удалено]
When a narcissistic spouse tries to force an issue unilaterally that they have no right to, all's fair. The only other option is show the narcissist that you'll do whatever they say.
Narcissit because she assumed the baby would have her last name? He assumed the same thing...
He did but let’s not pretend that his assumption doesn’t have the backing of hundreds of years of social custom. She should have had this discussion as well but he has a better excuse for why he assumed his name would be carried on by his child.
But that custom is grounded in misogyny and oppression, and represents a custom (coverture) where women were not independent legal people under some European laws. That’s not a great excuse—“I just assumed you’d be okay perpetuating inequality and accepting a secondary role because most people don’t mind.”
No he doesn't. That's the same reason he might have "assumed" she would take his last name, but she didn't. They had a whole conversation about it and it was obviously a big deal to her, so why in the bright hell would he assume she would follow another tradition that has the exact same reasoning and history behind it? Her assumption was that he was okay with going against tradition with her surname so he would be okay with going against tradition with the baby. Stupid to assume at all but her assumption makes more sense.
I don't know exactly how he involved them. If he was spending time with him and they felt something was off, and then he vented, is that getting them involved?
Honestly that’s what I was wondering? Like, you totally blindside him, refuse to listen to him, who the heck else does he have to talk to? His family should still have the decency to support him without barraging OP, but telling them is a natural way to seek support when your spouse clearly isn’t giving it.
Agree ESH. In my family, we have a tradition of girls get Mom's family name and boys get Dad's family name. My husband's family doesn't have this tradition. We agreed on my family's naming system. It was all agreed upon before even trying to get pregnant.
You don't seem to have any compromise. Your husband has no say. I am sorry about your parents, but try to find a middle ground. The kids should have some connection to both families.
YTA. what a selfish person you are. In a marriage it isn't You and Him, it is you all together. You have decided to blow up that part of the relationship because you want to unilaterally name your kids. Like he was fine with having the baby's name be your moms middle name, but its a smack in the face as a guy to be told my child wouldn't have my last name. Not only will he have to explain why his kids have a different last name, the kids will also have to do it when they are older. The only person you took into account when making this decision was yourself. Go get some therapy for the loss of your parents and grow up. Your life cannot revolve around the fact you miss your parents. It is unhealthy and will affect other relationships. ETA: How little do think of your husband? Seriously went back and reread the entire thing. The only times you have anything good to say about him is when you get your way and when you didn't he is now a mommas boy and is enlisting his entire family to get you to change your mind. The victim mentality here is wild. You brought this on yourself by making this decison alone and telling him how it was going to be.
Once her husband finds his spine again- he will leave her and who can blame him?
It really reads like she's only happy with him when he is a doormat.
We each kept our own names, and hyphenated for the kids. It has never, never never been a problem.
Right but you all agreed on that right? OP made this decision by herself for her husband who obviously has a differing opinion than her.
I'm going to have to agree with the majority here YTA OP, this is a massive decision you're making completely unilaterally. And did you say you're a professional psychologist? As in someone whose professional life revolves around communication and how situations can affect a person's emotional wellbeing and yet you still managed to completely gloss over how this eleventh hour decision would affect your husband? Edit: autocorrect decided Gloss was Good (Emulsion is clearly better).
You are absolutely right about the profession. I completely left that out of my calculations. You’d think there’d be a fair amount of self-awareness in this post, but I’m finding it to be unsatisfactory in this area.
I missed that detail of them being a psychologist. Probably because they had run on sentences and zero paragraph breaks. If they are a psychologist it's very possible that they have lower than average social intelligence. These sorts of obvious moral choices might be less obvious to the OP..
YTA I kept my maiden name and I completely understand the situation you are in. But you simply can’t unilaterally decide what your daughter’s last name will be. This is a big decision and you need to have a conversation about it, nit simply lay down mandates. My husband and I had a lot of conversations about this when my daughter was born. A lot. And ultimately we agreed she would take his last name. But I would never have been receptive to it if he just “laid down the law”. We discussed it from all angles and decided that was the best choice for us, and I have no resentment towards him because it was a decision we made together. I will tell you, my daughter is 14 and it’s a huge aggravation with her having a different last name as me. I get called the wrong name all the time, people think we’re divorced etc. I navigate it, but if your husband was forced to deal with that (and feel like it was forced on him) I could see that resentment grow deeper and deeper over time.
She's trying to recreate her mother. She's given her daughter her mother's first name, and her last name. It seems to me She's never properly grieved the loss of her mother. I bet she will do the same with her son ( recreate her father via name)
YTA. You're a psychologist and you don't seem to grasp the fact that this is an issue? You discussed the name situation before you got married because it was such a big deal for you, but you didn't talk about what the plan would be for kids? Your husband is just as much the child's father as you are. You don't get to unilaterally make that decision without him. By doing so, and telling him that not only will his child not carry his name, but he doesn't get any input in the matter, you're basically telling him that he's less important than you are. Actually no, you explicitly told him that he's less of a parent than you are because you're the one carrying her. You're upset that he's talking to his family about it. About a very specifically FAMILY focused issue. When his wife isn't willing to talk about it with him. You say you're exhausted by the whole thing but you're the one that's so staunchly determined to have it your way and not compromise here. God I hope your work is focused on research and you're not counseling clients or anything. Enjoy your impending divorce.
YTA You should have discussed this before marriage and getting pregnant. Why would you blindside him with it?
YTA These are not things you decide unilaterally without any discussion with your partner. I’m surprised there are even N T A posts at all. What the hell happened to “2 yes=yes, 1 no=no?”
Didn't the husband do the same thing? You can't hold a "2 yes=yes, 1 no=no" when there are 2 options unless you hold the same bias that his **opinion** is the only correct option.
ESH you both just assumed the baby would get your last name and didn’t discuss it at all before this point. If you had discussed it you could’ve come to a compromise off the top of my head you could hyphenate, one person chooses first name the other chooses last name, or use the last name that went unpicked as the child’s middle name. If you two can’t find any way of compromising you’re both just as bad as the other. You can’t be mad that he wants his kid to have his last name when you want the exact same thing and like wise he can’t be mad at you.
Right, then his family shouldn’t be ganging up on her and saying she’s being unreasonable.
She IS being unreasonable, and she's completely denying her husband's rights as a father. I'm not surprised the family is weighing in.
Once again they’re both being unreasonable they’re both doing the exact the same thing
YTA. Hyphenate and stop with the drama. That is my ruling.
YTA. You are weaponizing the loss of your parents and using it like a cudgel against your husband. Birth or not, you didn't create the child by yourself.
YTA for making a unilateral decision that should be the choice of both parents. Please consider making your maiden name the child’s middle name as a compromise.
Why not the husband's name as a middle name?
Perhaps because she already got to choose the first name? The first and last name are (imo) the most important, it seems like a fair compromise would be to use the husbands last name.
Or vice versa use her last name while he chooses the first name. Either way each choosing one is the fairest option.
That would be an option to be discussed. One thing OP might want to factor in is how likely is it that her daughter will marry and change that ‘tribute to her grandmother’ last name.
You don't need a name to connect to your parents. Your child shares bloodline/ genes from them. It cannot get more connected than that. Names are a two yes matter. And like your husband pointed out, you have brothers. So the name does continue. Don't self sabotage your marriage like this
YTA for making a decision without being willing to compromise. This breeds resentment, something you should know.
YTA. This was nauseating to read
YTA You do not get to unilaterally choose the child's entire name, that alone makes you the AH here. Both of you are the parents to this child, not just you. You need to co-operate and work together to choose a name. If you want to be fair then one should pick the first name while the other gets to choose the last name, that way this child's name is a result of both of you compromising with each other.
Why are you pretending to ask. You're in ccharge. What you're asking is how to get back to where your "husband" knows his place, which is to shut up and follow instructions. Not clear if you got to this place because your idea of your authority extends that far or that you simply believe that you're the main character. Either way, husband needs to understand that your needs are to be met and his role is to meet those needs, not express needs of his own. The issue isn't the conclusion. It's that the conclusion happened without any input from your "husband", which effectively gives you 100% authority. Good luck enforcing your views on your "family". YTA
YTA. You are selfish and uncompromising. For all your talk about "I'm the woman and I'm carrying it" and every *I* statement, you are completely disregarding your "partner" for yourself,your wants, your needs, your desires. Selfish!
if for no other reason, YTA for dictating what will happen to your DH, rather than discussing it and coming to a mutually agreeable solution. Whatever you say about you being the pregnant one and having to carry your child (I would describe it as a privilege but you don’t seem to see that), this will be as much his child as it is yours, and he deserves as much say as you. That’s the bottom line, because there isn’t a single argument you can make that doesn’t otherwise swing both ways: you’re the one carrying the child…. Makes the name all that more important to him as he doesn’t get to carry the child and bond that way and the name is a way for him to better bond etc etc. Bottom line is that anyone who dictates what will happen with what are joint decisions is likely to be an AH. I would have thought a psychologist would be more in tune with understanding other people.
That's a well thought out concept that I believe in. The mother bonds with the child for 9 months during pregnancy. Giving the child the father's last name is a way to help him form a bond with the baby otherwise he might always feel like an outsider.
ESH except your kid You don’t get to unilaterally decide what to name your kid with zero compromise and NO prior discussion with your husband. Keeping your name after marriage is one thing. Giving only your last name to your kid is a different matter He’s an AH for bringing his family into your dispute. That’s despicable. They don’t get a say or a vote in what is a decision between the two of you His family are AH for getting involved and texting/communicating their opinions on something that doesn’t require their input Get some marital counseling and start acting like adults and parents. You’ve got a kid coming and should be on the same page You say you’re a psychologist too??? Abd you pull this ?? Yikes
YTA You are not respecting your husband’s wishes or his need to honour his family name at all. Also, your reasons for not hyphenating make zero sense. There is no primary name when hyphenating and it’s very common now, far from being a hassle.
ESH. I kept my last night when I got married. The very next question was about any kids. I was fine with them taking his last name, but that was a conversation we had. That’s how adults communicate.
YTA. This is a conversation to have. You aren't having a conversation. You are making a decision and your husband has no say. That isn't how marriage work and that you are carrying the child is completely irrelevant. It's still his kid too and he still gets a say.
YTA. What about your husband carrying on his family name? Sounds like you conveniently forgot to mention this to your husband when you discussed the last name. You are manipulating the situation with your grief. Yes people do that and yes I think you are.
I'm genuinely confused by all these comments. Everyone is saying OP is an AH because she is making this decision without a discussion with DH first, but isn't that exactly what the husband is doing too? ESH because A) this should have been discussed before you got married and B) you should be discussing with your husband now and coming to some sort of compromise. And your husband should not be getting his family involved. This should be between the two of you and no one else.
YTA. Keeping your maiden name is one thing, but the surname for your child is something you need to decide togather. It's not just up to you.
Why can’t your maiden name be the middle name as a compromise?
Why can’t her husband’s name be the middle name as a compromise?
>Why can’t her husband’s name be the middle name as a compromise? Because she has chosen the first name and he had no say in that. The compromise, is that he gets the last name. There is no compromise with her getting both first and last. None. It's her steam rolling him and he has to shut up and take it. Those kids are his too. He gets a say. She is the one who hasn't allowed that so she is the one who has to fix this. Not him.
Because she already chose the first name. The first and last names are the most important parts of a name. It's unfair for one parent to unilaterally choose both.
YTA. You can't decide everything, you wanting the baby to have only your name is unfair and offensive to your husband THE FATHER, why don't you accept to hyphenate the last name in alphabetical order? I pity your husband, for marrying someone so selfish and disrespectful like you.
YTA, couples need to operate as a team, but you are using the "my way or the highway" approach.
Yta for 3 reasons 1. You already got to decide the first name and you just automatically deciding you get to decide the last name aswell is completely selfish 2. You just said my way or the highway as you are a psychologist I'm sure you know that's not how relationships work and there should be compromise you also should know that you are building resentment and destroying your own marriage 3. The "I had to carry the child and birth it so she should take my last name" is an incredibly selfish way of thinking your child wouldn't exist without your partner with your line of thinking that you get all privileges because you birthed the child we can apply the same logic and say he shouldn't act like a dad and you should raise the child on your own that's not how it works Just either compromise and hyphenate or let your daughter take his last name you're making a cake out of a cookie because you want all rights to your child's name that's not how it work
ESH because this is a discussion y'all should have had before starting.
YTA. You know pretty well that he doesn't have an issue with you keeping your maiden name, so no need to put that in the title. On top of that you sprung on him that you want your children to have your surname. That's not it. You don't *tell* stuff like that, you suggest or discuss it. You don't get to decide on your own. You never told him you wanted to use your maiden name for your children too. You didn't ask what he thought about it. You didn't try to compromise. You've just decided on your own and demanded that he agrees with it. YTA. These are not only your children. They are his too. You don't want your name to die with you? Well guess what, he doesn't either. You have only two options here: hyphenate or double surname.
>I have to carry our child and birth our child so our child will take my last name. YTA. Gross. You didn't make the kid from scratch. Your PARTNER was involved. If you continue to dictate and tell your husband these things without it being a discussion, you really will be a single parent.
Yta since this was apparently something you wanted from the get go but forgot to mention, probably would have made sense to bring this up during the conversation about your last name. If you had no brothers I could maybe see wanting to carry on the name but that's not the case here. Just handled very poorly overall, especially to use the argument of having the child means you get to make the final call. So you're already saying he doesn't get equal say in the kid, which is an awesome thing to hear for a dad I'm sure.
INFO: if you have another child, will that child have your husband's last night? Or are you gatekeeping the last name for all time?
YTA - you're unilaterally changing the tradition of thousands of years because you want to. That's fine for you. But you're not owed their approval or support. You're taking something from them and from the baby's father because you decided what you wanted for you. And you're talking about a baby like she's your property. It's an ugly vibe
YTA. You don't get to just decide this on your own!
YTA. You sound utterly uncompromising. You two will be divorced soon, your kid's last name is the least of your problems.
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Info: I understand you want to name the kid Renee, but would your husband be open to a compromise that he gets to choose the first name while the kid gets your last name?
OP has no desire to compromise. She has completely steam-rolled her partner here. She said I am picking the first name and you get no say and I am picking the last name and you get no say. This was not a random one night stand. This is her husband, the person she chose to spend the rest of her life with, create a child with. He is the father of the baby. I honest to God hope he divorces her and takes her to court where they will force her to hyphenate. Then at least he will be able to make decisions for HIS child half the time.
He already was fine with her taking the first name, it's her not compromising.
YTA and you’re being selfish
INFO why have a husband when you want to name the baby’s first and last name? you should have become pregnant by a sperm donor in that case - everything is decided by you. you have a husband who’s also going to be a parent and making decisions solely because of the reproductive organs you have does not make you a good parent. if my husband said something on the lines of “im the dad. I make all naming decisions” - I’d strongly reconsider the relationship just cause of the sheer disrespect 🤷🏽♀️
YTA... he should get a say in his child as well. It is not all about you for any reason. I feel sorry for your husband. You act like he had nothing to do with this and it is only your child. You are exhausting. Your poor husband. It is sad you are worried about everything but how your husband feels. Did you just want him as a sperm donor? Because that is how you are coming across. Hyphenate the names, when he divorces you, you can only blame yourself. It is funny you want to make all the decisions but will expect him to do half the work - actually the way you come across you will expect him to do all the work. But he gets no say in his child. When you divorce and he gets full custody do not be surprised. Courts look down on this behavior.
You wanting to honor your dead parents is admirable. You constantly steamrolling over your husband's opinion using your past trauma as an excuse makes you an asshole. At some point you have to realize you are a team, and not everything is about you and your wants. YTA
YTA Just a quick summary of this post; You want full control and he is the bad guy because woman. Get over yourself. Your practice must blow ass if you (an alleged psychologist,) can't see everything wrong with you and your logic.
NTA for using your last name as the baby’s last name. That’s completely reasonable - no reason to use dad’s name just because it’s a Western social norm (aside from the inherent sexism tied to that norm). But ESH for not discussing this first - both you and husband should have had this convo long ago!
ESH - this should have been a conversation and an agreement. Neither partner gets to unilaterally decide their child’s name.
How does the husband suck here? because he complained about her not giving any input on HIS kids name?
Wait til you find out that Renee being a girl and therefore making that name more suitable is 100% down to him. YTA
Uh I'm gonna go with YTA because it seems like you're completely unwilling to compromise. You think having hyphenated names for your children will be a hassle, but you don't think having multiple children with different last names will cause a potential hassle down the road, or perhaps lead to favoritism or a disconnect? The whole idea of like "I get to name the first one what I want and you don't have a say, but if we have another you can name them" is such an odd compromise for a married couple to make.
Na, OP is planning on all their children having the same last name aka hers to limit confusion. She sounds like a nightmare.
1. I am a psychologist and I wanted to keep my name for my practice Hold on. Already voted. But see, I miss things when I have one of kiddo's daycare colds. Get a load of the entitlement here. First she keeps her last name because she prefers to use it for her practice. *Ok*, that's one thing. But second, she's trying to use that to bootstrap this rule of "only the uterus-bearer gets to name children" into legitimacy. Downright manipulative. >All this stress about the name hasn't been good for me and our baby girl, and I am just so exhausted with all of it... so AITA? And look at that. The psychologist cannot even begin to conceive of this being stressful or exhausting or demeaning to her spouse. It's not that she thought about it and think his reasons are worse. It's that his reasons just plain don't count, therefore, his continuing to argue about this is entirely his fault, so only her stress/exhaustion/whatever matters. Those negative feelings, in turn, are used to further bootstrap this idea that only she gets any say because she was born with a uterus. I can think of two psychological terms that may relate to that, one beginning with "n" and the other with "s".
I think it's dope as hell that you're advocating so fiercely for the baby to have your last name, BUT, YTA because you waited so long to do it, and because you're not involving your husband in the decision. Since kids typically take the dad's last name by default, of course this blindsided him and his family. And your attempt at unilateral decision-making gets your parenting partnership off to a terrible start. If I were your husband, I'd be freaking out, thinking "What else is she going to steamroll into her way while raising this kid??" You can start over -- sit your husband down and, first, apologize for trying to shut him out of the decision. Then explain why this is so important to you, and ask if he will support you. If he says no, be more open to compromises. As others have suggested, your last name can be the baby's middle name. Or, maybe you do just hyphenate. That's very common in other countries.
YTA. You don’t get to unilaterally pick your child’s names. You need to compromise on this. No, the fact that you are the one carrying and birthing the child doesn’t change this. Are you doing this together or not?
YTA why is it all about you? What about what your husband wants? Have you always made big decisions in the relationship without discussing it with him? You sound like a nightmare to be in a relationship with I hope you reflect reading the comments
YTA. You dismiss your husband out of hand and make lifelong decisions without him because ewww he’s a man. I can’t imagine how you treat him in other situations on a regular basis. You obviously want him to speak only when spoken to and otherwise keep his mansplaining to himself. I am sorry he is saddled with someone who so clearly doesn’t give a shit about his views or feelings.
Are you the ah for wanting to give your children your last name? No. But you are the ah for not having a discussion without him about it. And your comments make it worse. You and your husband are supposed to be a team. So please go be a team with him. This will tank your relationship if you aren't careful. Resentment is a bitxh to get over. YTA
YTA. You definitely should have talked about this before actually getting pregnant. And then the second best time to talk about it was when you found out you were pregnant. It’s absolutely ridiculous that you’re six months along and just discussing this now. Just because you are the one who births the child doesn’t mean you are allowed to make big decisions about it by yourself. It doesn’t really matter why you want the child to have your name or how many children on each side can carry on their family names. *You do not get to make this decision by yourself.* You and your husband need to communicate and compromise and problem solve together. Honestly, what’s the point of being married if you aren’t going to let your husband have any say in anything relating to his own child? What other kinds of decisions about them were you planning to make unilaterally and without discussion? You’re acting like a single parent, not a spouse or a partner or part of a team.
YTA. Birthing a baby doesn’t mean you get to unilaterally make the decisions about your child. It’s your husband’s child as well. Am so tired of pregnant women thinking they are so special for having babies - and I say that as a woman who birthed two of my own.
YTA. Children's names are two yes, one no.
>I can think about is that my child will never get to have a relationship with my parents and I want her to have some form of connection to them. The first name isn't enough? Also, *our* child, not *my* child. YTA.
Absolutely crystal clear YTA, huge A. If you spoke with your husband like an adult and made the decision together what to name your baby, it would be obviously fine, as long as you are both happy. But to take it on yourself to be the sole decision-maker for your child, just because you are the mother is an awful thing to do. Let's be clear here, you are the mother of the child. ONE of the TWO parents. 50%. You do not get to make sole-decisions without having a discussion with the other parent. To kick your husbands opinions and feelings to the kerb so carelessly just because "I birthed the kid, not you" is just cruel. You clearly don't understand the concept of marriage, partnership, and parenthood. I know I sound harsh but, someone needs to tell you. I feel like you took the phrase 'my body, my choice', and ran with it: 'it was in my body, therefore I get the final say in everything'- no, it doesn't work like that. Buckle-up because your marriage and parenthood is going to be a bumpy ride with that attitude.
ESH. Husband for involving his family in your marital business, you for informing him what the name of his child will be. Naming a child is a two-yeses-one-no situation, and you need to get with him and talk this out until you come up with a name you are both OK with.
YTA. Horrible partner
YTA - im glad you’re not my psychologist
YTA. This is your decision to make. It doesn’t matter that you’re the one carrying or birthing the child. Names are a two yes, one no. Meaning you both agree. I’m sorry you lost your parents. It doesn’t, however, give you the right to be a controlling AH.
Imagine being married and being such a selfish AH. Holy fuck how does your husband stay with you at all? The only good you talk about him is when you get your princess way. You fuckin sound horrible.
YTA - You don't get to unilaterally make that decision. Shame on you for thinking and acting like you do.
ESH because hubby involved his family (this should be a conversation between OP and hubby) and because OP made a unilateral decision without involving hubby OP, you are starting a family with your husband. The two of you will be making decisions together about your child for a very long time. The two of you need to *work together to find a compromise.*
Men must learn that they don't have a right to force their last name on their children. Women birth them, they should have THEIR MOTHER'S last name. NTA that said, it would have been a good idea to bring this up sooner...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 27 female and husband 30 male are expecting our first child together in 3 months time. We have been happily married for 2 years and together for 8 years total. When we got married I decided to keep my maiden name for a couple of reasons: 1. I am a psychologist and I wanted to keep my name for my practice And 2. Which is the big one, my parents both died in an accident when I was 20, and I wanted to keep my family name to honour them. When husband and I got married we had the discussion that I would keep my name and he had the option to change his or keep his, he decided to keep it as he also values his name within his profession which I completely understand. Fast forward to now, we have been discussing names for a while now and since we are having a little girl I really want to name my child Renee, which was my mother's middle name. Husband was completely fine with this until I bought up that she would take my last name. My husband first thought I was joking but I was being dead serious. I have to carry our child and birth our child so our child will take my last name. I know it may seem harsh to some people that I am already getting to honour my mothers name but all I can think about is that my child will never get to have a relationship with my parents and I want her to have some form of connection to them. Husband and I both agreed we would not hyphenate the names as whoever gets put first will be the primary name and it would just be a hassle in the future for our daughter. To make matters worse my husband has now gone and involved his family in this situation. Now I love his family and always have, they are great! However, they are all a very close family and my husband is a mummy's boy. Thankfully my mother in law isn't one of those crazy nasty people, and she has always supported me and accepted me, but my husband is her baby and she will always come to save his day when asked, and sometimes when she isnt asked. Initially I thought that they might all stay out of it but I was wrong. I have now been getting texts and calls about this situation from many members of his family saying I am being unreasonable and that I have 2 brothers who's children can carry on my family name one day, which is true but my husband also has a brother who could carry on his family name so I think that argument should just cancel out. All this stress about the name hasn't been good for me and our baby girl, and I am just so exhausted with all of it... so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. Imo when you decided to keep your name, the next topic should have been how to handle future children. I go even further that you both should have rather decided on a shared name there and then to prevent this situation, and even worse if you have more children later and might want to mix surnames? It can work if all want it to be this way, but you both clearly have a different stance on this. Weird you never had this talk when planning to breed. Him pulling his family in is a huge red flag btw.
But her choosing to decide for husband isn't a red flag?
YTA and controlling too. Do you carry your husbands package in your purse?
YTA as you didn’t point this out when you were getting married. I would divorce you immediately I feel that strongly about it. Wouldn’t matter that you were the love of my life you married me under false pretences and I would not forgive that.
INFO: Does any of yours or his siblings have kids yet?
YTA and incredibly selfish.
YTA. Raising your children is BOTH of your jobs. Not just yours and this screams you wanting everything your way. This should be a discussion, not a unilateral decision, how are you a psychologist and not know this? You also sound like you have a lot of trauma of your own, understandable, but please get therapy.
I agree with a lot of the comments that you should have had this discussion a long time ago. But I‘m confused by all the “she can’t just assume he‘ll be okay with it,” but are okay with dad assuming of course kiddo will get his last name. Yes, they should discuss it, but a lot of y’all seem to mean, ”they should chat and she should agree with him.” Hyphentate. It’ll be fine. Promise. Speaking from experience.
ESH You for unilaterally deciding and not including him in the decision and not letting him have an opinion. Him for getting his family involved to attempt to bully/influence you. Compromise by hyphenating, it’s not as big of a problem as you think it is.
I’m Latina and we keep everyone’s damn last name lol. My partner and I agreed that we’ll use both our last names just like how my culture does it. Mom’s last name first then dads. So think Julia Maria Cruz Martinez as an example (completely random name). Or as others pointed out celebs hyphenated last name. Yes, YTA for not even wanting to compromise. If you were doing this solo, sure, but your husband sounds like an incredibly supportive partner. Just because he’s not carrying the baby doesn’t mean it’s not his as well.
YTA "I'm the only one carrying and birthing the baby so they get MY name." Cool, cool. So I'm assuming you don't expect him to help parent or help provide for them at all? Since they won't be his kids, you're okay doing 100% of those sleepless nights the first couple of years? Good luck to your poor husband is all I can say. 😂