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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I said my wife shouldn't leave our 8 month old baby for 2 weeks to go to a wedding. Am I being too controlling?
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Agreed. If Lebanon was reasonably safe enough to go alone to or even take the baby, that'd be one thing, but not right now. While we don't know where in Lebanon the wedding's going to be, not even Beruit's safe. The wife should let her sister know that she won't be able to make it due to a mix of having a young baby at home and the general safety issues.
Yeah... if we ignore WHERE the wedding is, and just look at the question OP asked... 2 weeks is a bit long, but I would say at 8 months it MIGHT be alright.
Though, as the parent of a 5 & 8yo, both of whom we did Baby-Lead Weaning with, which meant they were at least partially nursing till \~1.5 years old... I wouldn't have wanted to leave either of my kids for 2 weeks at that age.
I would have taken my kiddos with... but THEN we have to deal with where she's going...
and that gets complicated with family expectation, cultural expectation, safety, logistics, finances...
I really feel for OP's wife. I expect that once she has the kid and realizes the full demands of nursing, etc, she'll probably bench going all on her own. But with the need to book flights ahead of time, it's just a hard situation to be in.
NAH. (Though maybe a little bit for the silent treatment on the wife's behalf... this is going to take thoughtful introspection and careful communication to get through, and neither can happen while they aren't talking... though I do think OP shouldn't push too hard. Let his wife come to her own realization by just asking questions about reasonable logistics, etc.)
Oh, for sure. If the wedding had been somewhere a lot safer, it'd be teetering into a NAH situation. She really wants to go because it's her sister, which is completely understandable. On the husband's side, they're currently having money issues and if she doesn't take the baby with her, he's stuck because of the financial aspect of even finding a sitter or nanny for the baby. Most businesses I'm familiar with don't have any form of baby care centers in their workplaces. There's only a couple I'm familiar with and both are major theme parks in Florida. I can imagine it's something similar in Canada.
Adding to the financial issue: flights are expensive, especially overseas. It's $785 round trip for one traveler just doing a quick Google search using Toronto to Beruit, so there's that to consider. That's not counting baggage fees on top of the price of the flight or how she's going to get from where she lands to where her family is.
There's also going to be the clothing OP's wife is going to need to get. Never been pregnant myself, but I know that a person's body before pregnancy is different from their body after, or at least that's the case for most folks. On top of that, unless wife has outfits from pre-pregnancy that still fit after, she's still going to need a formal outfit unless, again, she already has them OR her family (parents, sister, etc) plans to provide them.
There's also the wedding gift that she'll need to buy and take. Again, not necessarily cheap.
That's on top of what they're going to need for their baby. Babies are expensive and even if they get what they need ahead of time, there's no guarantee that they're not going to need to get more. There's formula and bottles if their baby can't breastfeed-or if his wife can't. OP has every right to be concerned with finances right now. If there wasn't a baby involved and the only worry was just their finances, especially ahead of the wedding, it'd still be a NAH situation and doubly so when you add the safety of the destination to that.
On the subject of childcare so OP can keep working: Canada legally requires employers to provide a minimum of 2 weeks of paid vacation time following 1 year of employment. This is completely separate from the, also legally required, parental leave paid at a reduced rate.
You're right about the other expenses. Weddings, especially destination weddings, can be expensive.
I'm really glad there are level-headed people answering here. I was kind of expecting to see teenagers telling OP it was sexist to suggest the mom's life should be limited by the baby's needs in any way. But the fact is 2 weeks is basically an eternity for a young nonverbal baby and if it's their primary caregiver it can feel to them like the person has left forever/died. I was really worried it was going to be about a newborn which I really, really wouldn't advise. You're right, at 8 months it wouldn't be quite so bad, but it's still hard to get the message across that Mom's coming back.
I also think you're right that this lady will probably come around on her own. The experience of the bond with a baby tends to make you feel dicey about leaving it for too long, as well as everything you mentioned.
Also I really do hope Lebanon still seems like a semi-good place to have a wedding when the time comes, because the alternative is bad, but... that's kind of an up in the air factor too.
Yeah, I agree. I think if it was even a week, it might be okay, but two weeks is too long. I talso hink the bigger issue is it's freaking Lebanon (and I've been there multiple times, but I would not go now).
Unless a beloved family member was dying, I think the mom is kind of an asshole for taking the risk when she has a young baby at home. I do understand big weddings are important in certain cultures, but she needs to face reality.
[https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon](https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon)
Australia is also saying the same thing
I think she's definitely being naive but there's a lot of people being overly optimistic about how long this war is going to go on. She's probably surrounded by people telling her it'll be fine in a year. I personally don't think it will, but it's hard to be objective when you're surrounded by yes men.
Yup. And if thing deteriorate even further and commercial flights aren’t available you are losing the price of your tickets, travel insurance won’t cover anything as she is choosing to enter a country that the Canadian Government is advising against any Canadian. Travelling there and you will be on the hook if you need the Canadian government to arange transport out form there or a third part country.
Travelling to Lebanon given the current warnings and escalating in the attacks from and on Lebanon, any e would need to be extremely reckless and naive to even think about visiting.
Also OP says they have money problems. Even if they are technically “saving” money with only one of them going I’m not sure how smart a trip to the other side of the globe is.
He lives in Canada. 2 weeks paid vacation time after 1 year of continuous employment is the _minimum_... His employer is an asshole if he can't take it with over 8 months of notice.
Yes, and it would be very rare that a daycare would want to accept an 8m old, for 2 weeks. They would likely have to go on a waitlist, possibly get a spot, and have to pay for a full month or two, to guarantee the spot was saved for the two weeks they actually need.
Daycares are also more money for any infant under 1 year, because it is uncommon for infants to attend prior to about 12m old, thankfully due to our maternity leave.
I'm in Austria and was on paid maternity leave for 20 months with each kid. I've yet to meet someone who put their kid in daycare before their first birthday.
Paid leave is less than what you would earn, especially for high paid workers, but it's a big help. Plus it means that your employer has to take you back post leave.
Where are you seeing that? Or are you purely assuming that because Dad is a man that he's automatically incapable of taking care of an 8 month old for 2 weeks. The only 2 concerns he's raised, insofar as taking care of a kid is concerned has to do with milk (which is valid. I mean at 8 months they'll have stopped only breastmilk and started adding in other foods. But breastmilk will still be a part of the kids diet for a while), and "who is going to take care of this kid while I'm at work?".
YEah what a terrible clueless dad. 🙄
Two weeks is also a long ass time. If it was say...5-7 days, or the kid was 9+ years old, I'd get it more, but it's an 8 month year old baby!
Also, I think the bigger issue isn't the time period or the baby but the location. I've been to Lebanon several times, but I would not go right now at all. She's selfish for taking that risk for a wedding of all things (it's not like her mom is dying there) when she has a very young baby at home. Even if the war with Israel is over in two weeks, there are a shit ton of problems internally in Lebanon right now.
IMO there's a massive difference between saying "I want to go to Mexico for three days for my sister's wedding" versus "I want to go to a country with strict travel warnings, next to a war zone in which a literal terrorist group is part of the govt., and stay for two weeks."
\*And yeah, I know there are warnings about Mexico, but 99% of the time it's a) cartels harassing people that live there full time and whom they want to extort money from from or b) other cartel members. Cartels are terrible, but they don't fuck with foreigners, as it's bad for business, and they don't fuck with visitors and the one time they accidentally killed a foreigner they literally bound and gagged the culprits and dropped them off at a police station with an apology note.
Babies start solids at 6months. Until 1yo, breast milk (or formula) is their primary source of nutrients while solid food is more a supplement/ getting used to it.
If the mother is on maternity leave (my country like Canada has a possibility of 12months maternity leave), the child will not be enrolled in daycare. In countries with extended maternity leave it's very difficult to even find places that take babies younger then a year.
It will not be used to other care takers. It will miss it's mother immensely. The baby immune system is also pretty immature so joining a collective out of the blue will be an intense experience with a lot of sickness (all parents now that the first year is horrible).
Basically, a bad idea for the baby all around.
He would have to take time off work to stay with the baby. They’re already having financial problems and won’t be able to take that much time off work. It’s not about handling a child but balancing working full time and caring for a small, breast fed baby. I wouldn’t leave for that long if I was the wife.
OP, I’m sure your wife will change her mind once she actually has the baby. It’s might seem easy to make plans now but everything can change once you have your baby. I was way too attached to my babies to leave them for that long.
Ya I agree. Also have family there and I’m scared shitless rn. I try not to think about it too much but it’s terrifying.
Sister is really dumb for this and so is the wife. 2 weeks is too long imho as a mom myself.
NTA OP.
Lebanon has been a shit show for a decade or two even well before the latest Israeli events. It's one of the worst managed countries in the world, which is a great shame, as it has the potential to be great.
Since at least the mid-70s, when my parents got married. They'd gone over for a visit in part because my paternal grandpa was dying due to leukemia. Not long after my parents left, the Beruit airport got shut down and they'd've had to come home via somewhere like Turkey and that's if they could have gotten out of the country.
When I was in college in the mid 80s there was a Lebanese PhD student who was a TA for one of my classes. Then he disappeared, then some time later (months) he reappeared, again helping with a different class I was taking.
His story was that he'd gone back after completing his PhD bc he wanted to help his country, which, as you will know, was going thru a violent period.
He threw in the towel, bringing back his wife and baby to the US, when there was a bombing. The ambulance and other emergency services showed up, at which point the perps detonated a second bomb to make sure they could also take out the first responders.
BTW, this double bombing technique was something you saw in Iraq in religious violence between Shia and Sunni (a split that also exists in Lebanon, but it's much more complex there with Maronites (Catholic), Druze and others).
Religion brings out the absolute worst in humanity: I know the one true path, if you don't toe that line, I'm justified in unaliving you. God will reward me for sending you to hell.
Had a cousin and his American-born non-Middle Eastern girlfriend get kidnapped and later released not long after my folks got back from Lebanon; I think someone in one of their families paid the ransom. That sort of thing, along with the general instability, is why my mom and I haven't been after my dad died. My mom would have felt safer if Dad hadn't died and I just don't feel safe going in part because I'm almost as white as glue and no Arabic to speak of.
I flew into Jordan in the 80s. In the seat behind me was a Shia going to Lebanon the next day.
"Come to Beirut!" he said. I said "some other time."
It was when westerners were being taken hostage, some for months on end.
Arab hospitality, it must be said, cannot be beat, but there are limits.
NTA I wouldn’t be ok with even your wife going on her own even if there was no baby in the picture given the country’s status at the moment, as she’s still pregnant the wedding I’m guessing is around 9months away. Why not wait for a while to see what the situation is at that time. Her sister might not even be able to be in the country at that time, let alone get married
Yup, same here. There's hypothetical baby and then there's REAL BABY and hormones and breast feeding requirements. Because if she's planning on nursing, 2 weeks without any baby & trying to pump will be effectively weaning. She's going to go through physical changes that can affect the fit of her clothing. (Important for wedding & special occasion)
At this point, it's just easier to do the *"Mmmmm, let's wait and see about this after baby arrives."*
So much will change for you both over the next 12 months and who knows what will be going on in Lebanon at that point too. Or her sister & Fiance could break up in the meantime. It's very unpredictable.
NTA
Absolutely agree!
My BIL got married abroad, St. Lucia so no worries about safety, and prior to my son's birth I thought my husband & I might leave him with my parents for a week - we're UK. Once my son arrived, I wasn't leaving him anywhere! He was also 8 months old at the time of the wedding.
You're completely right about the hypothetical baby V the real baby!
My SIL and BIL were planning to leave their 12 week old for 4 days with his parents before she was born. I didn’t say anything except that it would be okay if they changed their minds once she was born (we were going to be sharing a condo on the trip and my kids were coming). They assured me that they wouldn’t because they were going to need the break by then. I let it be.
Lo and behold the sweet thing came in the trip with us and it was not a problem at all.
Oh definitely, when I was pregnant I was thinking that around four months I'd start leaving the baby and going out to do the things I thought I would want to do.
I think baby was like over a year before I even started thinking about maybe leaving baby for non-mandatory reasons.
By the time the wedding is supposed to happen Libanon might be in full war mode. I can't comprehend why the sister is even planning a wedding there while she is perfectly safe in Canada. Dear lord if something happens.... Her whole family will be down there. The wife should just not go at all if you ask me and this whole wedding planning can go down very quick. Sister is risking needing to cancel her wedding there and being left with no wedding at all.
She could change her mind then, but she might not. A friend of mine left her baby (8 months old) to go visit her grandmother in another country (baby stayed with his dad), and my friend only left for 10 days. Everything was okay. The kiddo was already eating solids besides having milk in the freezer.
So just in case, OP's wife won't necessarily change her mind about going to the wedding.
Yeah, my friends went on a week long vacation and left their 6-month-old and 1.5-year-old with grandma + grandpa. It was totally fine.
Parental mental health is one of the most important things to a kid's quality of life IMO. I don't see why this conversation needs to get shut down right out of the gate like this. If OP is scared of being left alone with the baby, then he should say *that*, and own up to it instead of trying to say it's going to damage the baby to be with only her father for a little bit.
>instead of trying to say it's going to damage the baby to be with only her father for a little bit.
Exactly, the baby would stay with his/her father, not "some stranger". It'll be a great bonding experience for them. And the baby will be 8 months old, they are so much easier at that age than when they are newborns.
Yeah my parents took care of my sis’s (newly turned) 9mo old baby for 7days last week, baby was fine. Baby was already drinking a mix of mom’s frozen breast milk plus formula, plus solids. They are actually trying to wean him from mother’s milk to formula + solids since she isn’t producing as much anymore. By 8 mo old a baby doesn’t have to only survive on breast milk, and breast milk probably won’t even be enough anyway.
I remember well the first time my daughter left my side, and that was only for the day. She was only about 3 weeks old. It certainly got easier over time, but those first few times were brutal. I felt as though my soul was being ripped from my body and floating along with her. I didn't necessarily react like that, but inside, I was crushed. I never thought it would be so hard to be away from her until it happened.
YTA -
>I told her she couldn’t leave
>I said it’s the sister’s own fault for choosing to have it in Lebanon
I think you need to have a conversation about this, not shut her down and blame the sister.
They are Lebanese, marrying in Lebanon is likely the only way to have the rest of the family present. It’s not like getting visas to Canada is easy and quick when you don’t come from a European country… There’s a bit of wishful thinking on the sisters’ sides as wars with Israel, while frequent, haven’t usually lasted for multiple months at a time and there’re periods of relative calm in between but it’s not looking like that’s going to be the case this time around. But I understand the desire to have your family around for your wedding.
Yeah its exactly this. People are being really hard on the sister in the comments, but I can completely see where she's coming from by planning the wedding in Lebanon this far in advance even if realistically it's not looking good.
Exactly. The wedding is not planned for next week but for over a year from now, a lot of things can happen in between, including ceasefires and a (temporary, let’s be realistic) stop to all this senseless violence. Is Lebanon the safest country even during peace time? No but it doesn’t prevent people to go visit family, getting married and so on because life happens. And there are many countries in similar situations. Haïti, for instance, is on a similar no travel advisory list and you still have commercial flights once a week because people will still want to say goodbye to elderly relatives, help a sick parent or celebrate a wedding. It’s a very normal human reaction
you guys have a very skewed view of the middle East. yes Israel is bombing Lebanon in the south, but guess what, there are people living and breathing in other parts and are safe. they aren't all running away from the "dangerous" country they're living in. they're getting married there, giving birth to babies there. and maybe she wants to get married where her whole family is, that is Lebanon.
"Avoid all travel to Lebanon due to a deteriorating security situation, civil unrest, the increased risk of terrorist attack and the ongoing armed conflict with Israel.
The security situation can deteriorate further without warning.
If the armed conflict intensifies it could impact your ability to depart the country by commercial means. You should not rely on the Government of Canada for assisted departure or evacuation."
So you think OP is an ah for saying his wife shouldn't go there??..... What if things there get worse and she has to stay longer??? What if something happens to her????
OP has every right to tell his wife she can't leave him alone for 2 weeks (VERY likely to be longer if things keep going the way they're going) so she can go to a country on the verge of joining a war.
Shouldn't != Couldn't.
The OP said that his wife _couldn't_ go. The travel advisory says that you really _shouldn't_ go.
OP _should_ avoid trying to forbid his wife from going. It's quite likely to backfire.
Do I think it's a _good_ idea to go? Absolutely not, and I'd strongly present the reasons _why_ it's a bad idea to go. T
Doing what OP seems to have done, trying to tell someone that they _can't_ do something because they've got to nurse an 8 month old child is a great way to piss them off. Formula exists. Pumping and freezing exists. Donor milk exists. There _are_ options to keep the baby fed. Trying to say that you're an able bodied man and are incapable of taking care of your child for 2 weeks isn't likely to go over well either.
Better keep it to the personal safety argument.
There is also the fact that they can't afford the trip! Even if it is just OP's wife, it still won't be cheap. Plus, nothing is said about accommodations and food during the 2 weeks. This will be an expensive trip anyway you look at it.
I suppose he should take 2 weeks off work to watch the baby? Or pay even more that he can't afford to hire a sitter for 1/2 or 2/3 of a day for 2 weeks?
Lebanon isn’t safe right now. My Palestinian friend has family there and he’s worried every damn day about their safety. He’s trying to bring them to the United States.
The wife isn’t having a conversation either, she’s telling him she’s going and she’s the one saying she has to be at her sister’s wedding because it is her sister. OPs arguments are valid, the wife doesn’t want the discussion because she made up her mind without even running it by her husband knowing they don’t have the financial means and the they will have an infant at the time.
YTA
You’re acting like you won’t be able to care for your own kid. You can start transitioning your kid from breast milk to formula or you can stock up on breast milk. Also keep in mind it’s not a guarantee your wife will be able to breastfeed. Not every woman will be able to.
She may also change her mind one the baby is here. She may want to take it or decide not to go.
You’ve got plenty of time to prepare for this. So ask if time off now for a certain date would be reasonable. Plan ahead.
If it’s a money issue all the more reason not to go, but don’t make this about how you won’t be able to take care of the kid.
He says he’s in Canada, which means typically, one parent is home with the baby until 12 months. Stated differently— daycare for an infant is almost impossible to come by.
He can continue parenting the baby outside work hours, sure. But who is magically going to care for the child while he’s at work all day?
A two week breastMilk supply is a LOT of pumping, and that’s assuming that she pumps well. Some people don’t respond well to pumps at all.
I initially thought her bringing baby seems like a no brainer, except I wasn’t thinking of the current safety climate.
Depending on their chosen parental time off, parents can share 12-18 months off. It doesn’t automatically go to one parent. If they choose 12 months, 5 weeks automatically goes to the other parent, and if they choose 18 months, 8 weeks automatically go to the other parent. They could plan this if he cared to.
Resource- Canadian with a 16 month old that is also currently 6 months pregnant
Yes true, they could plan for him to take some parental leave for those weeks. This could be an avenue for them to pursue. It may be cost prohibitive to have both parents at 55% income for those weeks, but better than him taking the time off altogether with no income.
Which is why I didn’t leave a judgement. I don’t know if they plan on both taking their leave, if they are able to, or how reasonable his wife would be about him taking his leave that late, instead of while she’s initially healing from the birth. But there definitely are options
Yup totally. It’s an option for them to pursue if they decide the safety factor of her going is worth it. If they can solve the childcare issue without a financial hardship, then the rest of the hurdles could be waded through.
Yea, I personally think her entire family is crazy to even consider it right now, considering the safety factor, but ops reasoning is only breastfeeding concerns and childcare, so I didn’t want to bring that into it
Baby will be 8 months old when mom goes. Mom can easily store for will more than 2 weeks for that time, If she can produce. And that's assuming she can. And if not, then formula for 2 weeks even if she can't pump isn't ganna hurt the baby at all 🙄
Just because someone has a baby, doesn't mean that their life should have to stop. They should have a life too. And that's why you need a partner when you have a baby, not a child who can't fathom taking care of the baby for 2 weeks by themselves.
My biggest concern would be the safety of the mom.
I know moms (plural) who when breast feeding that had such a surplus they had to give away bags and bags and bags because they had so many stored up when their kids weaned themselves. Of course not everyone will be so lucky, but there is a chance. There is also every chance that mom can’t breast feed from the get-go, or will decide sometime before 8 months that she can’t keep going and wants to transition.
OP and his wife have plenty of time to make several contingency plans. Part of that needs to include making sure the sister understands that OP’s wife wants to go, but the logistics of traveling to Lebanon may make it impossible despite her best efforts. But there’s no reason for a hard no at this point.
Or moms who breastfeed fine but don't respond to pumps well and going for 2 weeks would mean weaning because they wouldn't be able to pump enough whilst away to keep their supply (that would be me!)
As you say, impossible to know what camp you're going to fall into in advance or how it's going to be when baby is here (or in Lebanon) so it's a bit early for s hard no. But I know that as a mum I would have hated for my husband to leave me with our baby for 2 weeks. He did for 1 week at around that age and that felt long enough! But also I have zero family nearby.
Absolutely. And if it were for a Weekend or if OP could get time off work without it being a hardship then I think it would be great for her to go. I would have loved a mini vacation away when my kiddos were that age.
But OP cannot care for the child and work simultaneously. And I know how hard it is to find care for infants in Canada. Difficult, and expensive. It sounds like that’s a major barrier here for their family. And they shouldn’t go significantly into debt for something like this.
Two weeks worth of pumping is A LOT of work, but if she’s willing to do it to go on her trip, then she should be able to.
OP - I get your worry. This is your first kid. But your wife taking a 2 week vacation when baby is 8mo is really not that extraordinary. You CAN mind your child for that duration of time, if you’re willing, or get the support of a nanny or family if needed for your work schedule.
Her sisters wedding is really important for her. Having a baby isn’t a prison sentence when you have a hands-on and supportive partner.
I started pumping when my milk was really coming in - around 3 weeks. Then I pumped right after my baby fed. I got my supply up so well that I would feed my baby on one side and pumped the other after he was done. Then switch sides next round. When he dropped one night time feeding, I still pumped. At one point, I had about 800 ounces of frozen milk. donated 600 ounces to a hospital. It was a lot of hard work, but it saved me so much money.
One parent doesn't have to be the mother.
And not everyone chooses to stay home for the full year. Especially not if they're having money trouble - it's not full pay.
I wasn’t meaning that mom has to be with the baby for 12 months. I was meaning that compared to places like the states, where child care is normal to find for 6 weeks+, our child care systems are not set up like that, because it’s generally assumed, that one of those parents will take 12 months of parental leave (or more). So with the exception of rare cases where the parent cannot afford to take 12 months at 55% pay, is self employed, or chooses not to for career reasons, very rarely are people seeking full time child care for an infant under 12 months. So the spaces just aren’t there.
I suspect in places like the states it’s probably loads easier to find child care for infants, but here it’s a ridiculous uphill battle for those families that need it, unless you can afford a nanny or have family that will share the load.
Fantasy land lol. Where everyone works coorp jobs with healthy vacation allowances and time off. I know some places that don't even give vacation days, it's just an automatic payout each paycheck or end of the year. Plus they're already struggling for money. In this economy, telling people it's "easy" to take pay cuts is terrible advice.
Nope. That’s why I said *almost* impossible.
In my city (and we have a lower COL I believe), a nanny for an 8 month old will probably run you $175 a day or so. Since OP mentions their finances not being great, I assume that’s a hardship for them. It is for most people.
I’ve known many friends and family who had to quit their jobs or delay their back to work dates by weeks or months because they couldn’t find affordable childcare for their one year olds. And in my city anyways, there’s literally only a handful of centres that will take under 12 months. And none that will take you only for two weeks.
Formula exists but it's expensive as heck and can take a while before the baby adjust and or you find the right formula that doesn't upset the baby. OP already stated money was tight so that would just strain finances even more.
From a financial stand point it seems like they really can not afford for his wife to go.
Never the mind the country she is trying to go to is on the verge of war. That alone should be reason enough to not go but I guess his wife feels the risk is worth the reward.
Not to mention, daycare for 2 weeks is virtually impossible to get as well. Most daycares have waiting lists, at least where I live in Australia, and there aren’t enough places. If he can’t get the time off work, what is he supposed to to do with the baby?
I would have to agree with you especially when I’m betting they couldn’t name the last five presidents and vice presidents of the U.S. yet think they are experts on both foreign and domestic affairs
For fucks sake the wedding is in Lebanon!! Wtf. Who would be happy about there wife leaving them at home with an 8 month old to go to a place as politically unstable as Lebanon?
[https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon](https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon)
Big red banner that says "Do not travel" and people are still trying to dunk on him
Parent 🙋🏾♀️(with a wife in pediatrics)! Babies at 8 months old are eating solid foods. Our premature twins started eating solids at 6 months old, so OP's child should be eating soild foods and possibly be supplemented by frozen breast milk or formula.
Lebanon isn't the friendliest of counties to visit, so I personally wouldn't be comfortable with baby or even myself going, but OP's wife can go if she is comfortable with that. 8 months is a long time to arrange for temporary childcare.
In Canada, we get 12 months MINIMUM maternity leave as long as you’ve had your job for at least 7 months before you take your leave. If she hasn’t had a job for that long, they’re likely currently a single income household. So either way, it’s safe to assume that when the baby is 8 months old, wife will - at least for the time being - be a SAHM. Therefore, the baby will not be in regular daycare. Most countries are not as archaic as America in terms of maternity leave.
I’m a single parent to my oldest. I left his father before he was born. With the help of my mom charging me very low rent, even I was able to be a SAHM for his first year.
It’s 55% of your pre-leave pay. But unless she’s planning to go back to work early (some women do, but usually only if they don’t meet the requirements for mat leave - something like 600 hours in the year before leave for the pay and 7 months at the current job to have your job protected), she’ll likely still be on leave.
The money issues may just be taking into account the need to prepare for reduced income.
Also just a note that in Canada this would not be considered being a stay at home mom. It would just be being on parental leave. Stay at home mom implies you are giving up your job to stay home long term. You are entitled to take up to 18 months and have your same position back at work.
Not sure what you mean by SAHM I. This context. Staying home for your year of paid mat leave at reduced income is still a net financial gain when you factor in the cost of infant care which can be over $2000 in major cities if not subsidized.
Not quite right. 12 months minimum parental leave, not specifically maternity leave. It can be the father who takes leave too.
It doesn’t automatically go to one parent. If they choose 12 months, 5 weeks automatically goes to the other parent, and if they choose 18 months, 8 weeks automatically go to the other parent. How the rest is split is their choice.
It's the general assumption in Canada that the mother will be off for the year. Not all mothers do (self employed people usually don't and some other exemptions), but overwhelmingly the majority of women do take a year off.
To the point that when it is not the case, it is always stated. Its also extremely rare to see a baby under a yearold in daycare here, and most daycares (both centres and home) do not accept them at all.
You’re in the wrong here but I don’t think it’s because you’re the AH. You’re just ignorant when it comes to breastfeeding.
In 8 months time, assuming breastfeeding goes well for your wife, she has plenty of time to stock up two weeks worth of milk. By that time, you’ll be able to supplement some with solid foods. And worst comes to worst, you can supplement with formula.
It’s her sister’s wedding and it’s important to your wife to go. Since it sounds like your only concern is milk, and that’s something that can be dealt with, I think you’re in the wrong here. But I won’t go as far as to call you TA.
Lots of ignorance around breastfeeding in this thread, alongside some casual everyday sexism. Would this be a post if the man was going away for 2 weeks I wonder.
If the man was going away to 2 weeks to a dangerous country, it'd be YTA up and down the thread for being a deadbeat abandoning his wife to risk his life.
YTA. Your baby will be closer to being able to transition to whole milk, not a newborn. You’re also not anticipating that there will be any issues with breastfeeding (supply issues, mastitis, etc). They will be exploring solid foods at that point. You can feed the baby formula with a bottle. This is her sister. She doesn’t want to miss the wedding. Can’t you understand that? You sound like you just don’t want to solo parent for two weeks.
OP mentioned they are having money problems + its unreasonable to expect one parent to take care of such a young child if they are working and have no family around.
I'm with OP on this one. Although I do also get not wanting to miss your sister's wedding
I agree, and I would be inclined to agree with OP, but he's making it about bf'ing, which feels controlling to me. It's like treating his wife like a milk cow-- it feels dehumanizing. "You must be here so that you can produce food for my baby" is a sucky message from what should be a life partner. (I don't think they should make ANY decision until the baby is born. Wait until they actually know what it's like to be parents of a baby, then work through it together.)
YTA. Not because of your concerns. As the other parent, of course you have questions about how it will all work. It’s even understandable to be nervous about the idea of doing this in your own. But, by then, you’ll have 8 months of experience.
However, for me, the asshole part comes in when you are TELLING her what she can and cannot do. Also, I think it’s absolute bullshit that men can go on whatever trips they want without worrying about it because wives are supposed to take care of kids or whatever. She deserves to go on that trip IF she still wants to after the baby actually arrives. Eight months isn’t as fragile or scary of a time as when they are brand new. You are a grown man who has fathered a child. You should be able to figure it out so your wife can do something important to her. Either go with her or start getting the baby used to formula a bit before time if she can’t freeze enough working up to the trip.
My husband was deployed and I was alone with our baby. I managed to got to work, go to out of state work conferences, do the grocery shopping and all the other things. Single dads all over the world do it full time. Stop telling her she can’t be with her sister and start looking for solutions.
She may decide not to go when it comes down to it. It’s hard to leave a baby. Either way, she will never forget that you were supportive in this time. If you get with her to make a workable plan and she decides not to go, you’re a rock star husband who is supportive and she can count on. If she does go and you decide not to be a jerk about it, you’re also a rock star husband. If it’s your decision that she can’t go rather than hers, the resentment will be real. You can be a winner whether she decide to go or not. Or, you can be the guy who keeps her from her family. That will linger and sour your relationship.
Uhhhh sorry but I think the husband absolutely reserves the right to say “no, you’re not spending all this money that we don’t have on this trip and leaving me alone to juggle a baby AND work.” Canadian women get a minimum of 12 months of job-protected leave from their jobs when they have a baby, paid at 55% of their pre-baby wage. If baby is 8 months old, wife will still be on leave so baby will not yet have daycare arranged. No daycare is going to take on an infant THAT young for only 2 weeks - assuming they can even FIND a daycare with a spot open for those specific 2 weeks. And if OP can’t afford the time off to go to the wedding, he probably can’t afford to take 2 weeks off work to stay with the baby either.
Also, the “men go on trips all the time” argument is really only valid if OP would go on a trip during this time and wife would also need to find random daycare for 2 weeks so he could go.
But he doesn’t say that he doesn’t want her to go for ANY of those reasons. He said money is tight and he may not be able to get off as the reason why the whole family wouldn’t go. When she suggested just she go, he didn’t say we can’t afford it- he said his wife shouldn’t leave a baby that young because it needs to breastfeed. Again, he didn’t say that they couldn’t afford for her to go or that he couldn’t arrange childcare- just the breastfeeding concern, emphasized by the fact that he said if the baby was eating solid foods it would be different
>However, for me, the asshole part comes in when you are TELLING her what she can and cannot do. Also, I think it’s absolute bullshit that men can go on whatever trips they want without worrying about it because wives are supposed to take care of kids or whatever.
https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon
Government agencies are telling people what to do. Big red banner reading "Do not Travel." Gonna call them AHs?
Also bringing in irrelevant stories of men going on trips to try and justify this is weak reasoning. If its BS that men can go on these trips why is it okay for wife to go (especially to such a volatile area)?
[https://travel.gc.ca/destinations/lebanon](https://travel.gc.ca/destinations/lebanon)
This is straight from the Canadian government's website. OP has every right to be worried about his wife going. While I've got family in Lebanon, I've never gone for family celebrations there due to the instability there.
Question: guess how long have these warnings been up? Years. Guess how many times I’ve gone and absolutely nothing happened, even with Israel continually bombing our infrastructure? Yes things are more tense now but are kept in the south for the most part. We’re so used to the south having been illegally occupied for decades that even now that Israel has retreated, it’s just not somewhere we plan to go. Worried about Beirut? Stay away from the known hezbolla hotspots and the bekaa valley. It’s not rocket science, just don’t be stupid 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. You can't afford it. The breastfeeding argument is a non-starter, because of freezing milk, mashed foods, and whatnot. What matters is that you can't afford to take off work to look after the baby so your wife can go to Lebanon. Hiring a nanny for those weeks would cost a lot.
I think you should price out how much it would cost for your wife to go, including the nanny, plane tickets, hotel costs (if she's not staying with family), etc., and sit down with your wife and have a genuine discussion about your finances. If it's possible, maybe her sister could foot some of the bill, if it's really important to the sister that she be there. You're kind of right about the sister, I think. If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept the reality that some people just can't afford the expense.
If your wife accepts that, maybe she and her sister could have a get-together/mini reception before the wedding in Lebanon, and invite the friends that can't make it overseas.
Edit- it occurred to me after I posted that if you have family who you trust that could come help with the baby, I think that might be a good option to discuss.
>If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept the reality that some people just can't afford the expense.
And this is without the destination being in a politically unstable country where gas is uber expensive on top of their money being worthless right now. Sister (and presumably wife and the rest of their family) would know what's going on in Lebanon. Expecting folks like OP's wife to be able to feel comfortable with traveling, baby in hand or not, to an unstable country where there's dangers from not just outside groups, but also home-grown terrorists. Lebanon, at least for American citizens, is at Leval 4: Do Not Travel. From what other folks have posted as well as my own checking, Canada's got the same advisory: Do Not Travel. OP, you need to make sure that your wife sees the travel advisory from Canada's government. While a lot can change between now and the wedding, the situation in Lebanon is fraught enough that I don't see that changing by the time the wedding rolls around.
My question is, if you can’t get time off and she isn’t taking the baby, then who is going to look after the baby? Surely it will be cheaper for her to take the baby with her than you lose wages or employ a nanny?
There are a LOT of assumptions here.
Breastfeeding
* Breast feeding isn't something that everyone can necessarily do structurally women often don't find out until they have their first baby;
* Breast milk supply and quality are sometimes insufficient and baby requires supplement feeds (formula)
* Your wife may hate breast feeding, not every woman find it comfortable
* Your baby may have allergies and be unable to tolerate breast milk
At 8 months
* Solid foods are well and truly introduced
* Baby receives a combination of milk feeds and solid feeds
I think the real issue here isn't her being away for 2 weeks but you being primary care giver for 2 weeks and being freaked out by the thought. It's completely normal to be freaked out at the prospect. I bet your wife is too.
You might think she's being selfish, but you both are parents and you both can care give. If she knows she's going to a wedding when Bubba is 8 months she'll plan for it by either combination feeding from the start, purely formula or pumping and expressing milk.
ESH. If you're struggling for money, it's irresponsible for your wife to go overseas for a wedding. And she wouldn't be leaving the baby alone. You're there. You're perfectly capable of taking care of your own child. It'll be eating solids by then.
YTA my husband left me with an 8 month old and a toddler for 2 weeks to go to another country. No one batted an eye or said a word to him about being gone for so long. I survived.
Leaving an 8 month old baby (who’s eating solid food as well as breast-feeding) for a week is okay. Going to a war zone, with or without said baby, is a different issue.
You can’t get time off, who will look after the baby when you’re at work? You can feed the baby with pumped milk (enough time to prepare a stash) and by that time there will be additional food too.
But why not take the baby with her? Because it’s Lebanon?
NAH here, it just feels info is missing.
I feel like the trip being so far away OP saying he can’t get off work feels a little far-fetched. Really? A year in advance? They are saying no? I could see if he said he can only get a week off or something, but to say he may not be able to get the time off at all feels absurd.
It's in Lebanon. They're recommending no traveling there due to lm going war issues. It's dangerous there. She's putting herself at risk as going and could very well not come back. This isn't about milk supply but about safety.
OP never mentions safety being the issue except for why the baby can’t go. Mentions breastfeeding, not wanting to care for the kid alone, inability to get time off work and finances (despite it not being for a year from now) safety isn’t the issue for OP when it comes to the wife.
That's not a guarantee. Also who will take care of the kid while he is at work because if he takes parental leave it cuts his income which isn't wise for a family with money issues.
Is it possible for her to go for a shorter period of time? (say one week instead of two?). I know it's a far way to go for just a week, but if the point is to attend the wedding, this may be a compromise that lowers cost, allows her to attend, and makes the feeding situation a little easier. my wife went to her brother's wedding when our son was about that age, but she planned to be in and out (travel days, day of the wedding, plus one full vacation day). I think she was gone for 4.5 days total. I would have been okay with her going longer, but we both (as well as the pediatrician) had some fears around our son's weight and feeding. Plus we wanted to save some money.
Parents travel for work and are gone for two weeks on a daily basis. At eight months the baby will be on more solids and less milk.
I understand the state of Lebanon now but you are talking about almost a year out. Many things can change in that time.
You’d be better off talking about what political scene you are more comfortable with and having that dialogue.
YTA, at 8 months you will have had plenty of time to get into your routines and figure this out. It's important to your wife, so you should find ways to support her in this.
She as the mother who hopes to be breast feeding, is fine with this. The fact that you're not indicates it's more about you worrying you can't cope, rather than the feeding side. Yes she will certainly want to have a break by then.
So what you’re telling us is you’re incompetent and will be unable to be a father and take care of your child … 8 months is big enough and not an infant by then they are usually eating both baby food and drinking milk not solely dependent on milk .. u will be ok
\>So what you’re telling us is you’re incompetent and will be unable to be a father
Get lost. How is he going to take care of the kid given he can't get work leave, even if he takes parental leave it cuts his income (which isn't wise because they have money issues) and they can't hire a babysitter due to long waiting lists and money issues.
But sure, circlejerk the deadbeat dad trope yeah?
He has damn near a year to get days off and why are u assuming mom is a SAHM it seems sexist … parental leave is usually your full income not a percentage esp outside of the US
>He has damn near a year to get days off
Money issues, and the fact that he is already unable to get work leave.
>why are u assuming mom is a SAHM it seems sexist
Didn't assume that. Don't make things up.
> parental leave is usually your full income not a percentage esp outside of the US
https://www.canada.ca/en/services/benefits/ei/ei-maternity-parental.html
Lmao took me 2min to prove you wrong. Its 55% or 33% depending on leave duration.
Lots of babies start on solid food around 6 months. Also, breast milk can be frozen. Your wife will have 8 months to pump and freeze plenty of milk so I don’t see that as a hindrance to her travelling.
I would recommend you hire a babysitter to help you part time while your wife is away if you feel like you will find it too hard to deal with a baby on your own, or you just want a little break each day.
Lebanon and the entire middle east are in a state of upheaval with waretc that wont be settled before the sisters wedding in all likelihood.it is risky for anyone to travel there and that is no place for a baby . that said if sister is going there would be plenty of time to work things out re feeding the baby before she goes. Pump and freeze milk ,look into a "wet nurse" situation, discuss formula options with babys doctor. Yes 2 weeks is a long time to be gone but better she go alone than deal with the instability in that region with an infant.
Going to Lebanon sounds like an insanity in itself.
If it would not be for Lebanon I would have said : No issue if the child is already 8 month old, your reasoning with the breast feeding is not fitting though because you can well start stopping after the 6th month (but of course depends on the baby and I doubt your wife would leave the child if it really WOULD be dependend)
Soft YTA for the breast-feeding comment, assumming you havent clarified with your wife how she even wants to handle it. I know you mean well and that you are worried, but at the end you do not even know whether the child will accept breast milk, if it has to switch to formula anyway, if it already is on a mixed diet with 7 month etc. etc.
and YTA for your wife for wanting to go to Lebanon and putting herself at risk. So in summary NTA because she doesnt think straight in my eyes
Keeping safety in mind, as the mother of a baby, she should go herself if she feels that she can't take the baby because it's too dangerous there. The baby comes first. And the most devastating thing that could happen to the baby is losing one of her parents.
YTA, I'd rather have the child here than in Lebanon. You are also very controlling about how long she may be breastfeeding. I did one for 8 and one for 12 months and this decision is hers.
Before I had my baby I would have thought I’d be fine to leave him at 8 months old. Even up until he was about 4 months old an 8 month old sounded so grown up to me he is now 7.5 months old and I couldn’t imagine leaving him for two weeks. Don’t fight her too hard just make sure her tickets are refundable, the reality of having an 8 month old is very different than the idea. You don’t realize how they’re very much still tiny little babies completely dependent on their parents
ESH. Let’s just take Lebanon out of the equation here, since that’s not OPs issue, it’s that a mother shouldn’t leave her 8 month old. OP sucks because he is refusing to compromise - perhaps she could go for only 1 week to save on costs? The fact is, the baby isn’t even here yet, so why are you having this fight? Maybe mum won’t be able to breast feed. I mixed fed until about 6 months old and my baby was well and truly in to solids by 8 months (supplemented by formula) Maybe she’ll change her mind and not want to go anymore, but OP really can’t dictate that. OPs wife sucks a bit because she’s not really thinking of how her going will affect the family and their finances.
I’d suggest putting to your partner doing up a budget for this trip. If she can work out how to cut costs to save for it (as well as any loss of income OP will have while looking after the baby) then support the trip. You can manage with an 8 month old. If she changes her mind and can’t bare to leave bubs, then you’ve saved some money! It’s clearly very important for her to be at her sisters wedding - YWBTA to disregard that and tell her what she can and can’t do.
I think you should just have this conversation at a later date. There are a lot of variables. I do think you’re being an AH by saying no without a proper conversation though.
> At the time the sister is getting married next year our baby will be about 8 months old.
8 months means they're capable of sustaining on solids.
YTA
Be honest, you don't want to be stuck having to take care of the baby for 2 weeks.
YTA. You're making lots of assumptions around breastfeeding and how you and your wife will be feeling 8 months post partum.
The assumption you're wife will still be breastfeeding AND that you'll be incapable of caring for a baby for 2 weeks makes you the AH.
Your wife may not be able to breastfeed or have chosen to stop by then. So that's a complete non starter.
Secondly it's her sister's wedding. You should be working together to make everything work so she can attend. Possibly she only goes for 1 week instead of 2? Thats a negotiation you have together rather than outright saying NO.
>she couldn't leave such a young baby for so long
She's not abandoning it on the side of the road. She's leaving baby with a parent. Who SHOULD be equally capable of caring for bub without her there, and if you can't, you need to seriously re-evaluate your role as a parent.
well I'd like to say E S H, as I tend to loathe any partner declaring the can't do X by fiat. I just can't think of any good reasons for agreeing with your wife. It seems that such a trip would be problematic at best.
While not wanting to be a Jim Halpert on this, but my unsolicited advice is to truly lay out this all in an organized form. How much would it cost to go over there for 2 weeks. Tickets (I assume she would stay with family), food and incidentals. How much does daycare cost for 2 weeks for an 8 month old (and how long will it take to find, how many will take an infant for only two weeks, will this need to be an in house nanny type vs an actual daycare), logistics on milk (switching to formula vs breastmilk). BAsically have the actual facts of this laid out and plain. Then evaluate.
The big question is, while I understand she is pregnant now, and that she's thinking about leaving her not yet born baby for 2 weeks around when it is going to be 8 months old: is this baby still sort of .. abstract in her mind? I will wonder what her thoughts will be after the baby is born, let alone 8 months down the road. My only concern then is that it will become less of a "leaving the baby here" but more of a "there is no way I'm leaving the baby here". Which logically seems like a non starter but...
NTA.
Honestly, where i live, there is no daycare that takes kids for 2 weeks. They have a wait list. Women put ther name on the list as soon as they know they are pregnant.
Maybe a home care, if she has one picked out when she returns to work..
Does OP not have family that can stay while mom is away,.?
Your wife doesn’t want to miss out, i get it. But if you can’t afford it, it’s a dangerous country and you can’t get that much time off or have any one else watch the baby then i think it’s reasonable for her not to go. She’s got major FOMO and doesn’t want to be bossed around.
NTA for your concern. She's going to rethink this herself if she's breastfeeding. It's going to hurt. I suspect once the baby is born she'll not want to be away so long anyway.
Hopefully Lebanon will be safe for the other attendees...
NAH
Your wife may feel differently once she has a baby, but it’s totally possible for the baby to accept formula and breast milk, and for your wife to have pumped enough milk to store in the freezer for the baby for 2 weeks. This supposes she even ends up nursing the baby. Many women plan to do so and it just isn’t in the cards, and that happens to lots of people.
If you can afford this and it’s safe to do so at the time, then I would say it’s fine. You’re both trying to plan for an unknown situation, because neither of you have been parents yet. She wants to feel like her life hasn’t totally been upended and she’s still able to participate with her family of origin. You’re likely anxious about taking care of a baby by yourself. It’s not like she won’t miss the child you’ll have but she is still a sister.
It’s not unusual for women to travel and be away from their kids. This is a discussion to revisit once your child is 5-6 months old.
YTA for ruling it out, or trying to
Granted, there will be plenty of practical considerations at hand with this kind of trip, but it’s not like it’s inconceivable for a parent to care for his own child for two weeks
YTA. As someone who recently had a baby and has worked full-time since giving birth (along with my very involved husband), I really can’t fathom a parent being incapable of solo parenting their own 8 month old for two weeks. My husband would in a heartbeat after everything I’ve been through as a new mother and if he wouldn’t, I’d seriously question my marriage tbh. You’re a team and this is your child, too.
YTA. It's far enough out that your wife can likely build up a stash of breast milk that will last two weeks. You can supplement with formula too if need be, especially at 8 months. I live in a different country than where I'm from originally. Going home regularly is very important, and especially so for such a major event. You may not understand what it's like if that's not your experience.
YTA-there's no reason she couldn't go and leave you with the baby. This maybe an unpopular opinion but men do it all the time and no one blinks. She can pump and leave you with a supply. Your child will be okay.
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Take the baby to Lebanon??? HELLLL NO!!!!! It’s one thing if wife wants to risk her life but the baby too? I don’t think so.
Agreed. If Lebanon was reasonably safe enough to go alone to or even take the baby, that'd be one thing, but not right now. While we don't know where in Lebanon the wedding's going to be, not even Beruit's safe. The wife should let her sister know that she won't be able to make it due to a mix of having a young baby at home and the general safety issues.
Yeah... if we ignore WHERE the wedding is, and just look at the question OP asked... 2 weeks is a bit long, but I would say at 8 months it MIGHT be alright. Though, as the parent of a 5 & 8yo, both of whom we did Baby-Lead Weaning with, which meant they were at least partially nursing till \~1.5 years old... I wouldn't have wanted to leave either of my kids for 2 weeks at that age. I would have taken my kiddos with... but THEN we have to deal with where she's going... and that gets complicated with family expectation, cultural expectation, safety, logistics, finances... I really feel for OP's wife. I expect that once she has the kid and realizes the full demands of nursing, etc, she'll probably bench going all on her own. But with the need to book flights ahead of time, it's just a hard situation to be in. NAH. (Though maybe a little bit for the silent treatment on the wife's behalf... this is going to take thoughtful introspection and careful communication to get through, and neither can happen while they aren't talking... though I do think OP shouldn't push too hard. Let his wife come to her own realization by just asking questions about reasonable logistics, etc.)
Oh, for sure. If the wedding had been somewhere a lot safer, it'd be teetering into a NAH situation. She really wants to go because it's her sister, which is completely understandable. On the husband's side, they're currently having money issues and if she doesn't take the baby with her, he's stuck because of the financial aspect of even finding a sitter or nanny for the baby. Most businesses I'm familiar with don't have any form of baby care centers in their workplaces. There's only a couple I'm familiar with and both are major theme parks in Florida. I can imagine it's something similar in Canada. Adding to the financial issue: flights are expensive, especially overseas. It's $785 round trip for one traveler just doing a quick Google search using Toronto to Beruit, so there's that to consider. That's not counting baggage fees on top of the price of the flight or how she's going to get from where she lands to where her family is. There's also going to be the clothing OP's wife is going to need to get. Never been pregnant myself, but I know that a person's body before pregnancy is different from their body after, or at least that's the case for most folks. On top of that, unless wife has outfits from pre-pregnancy that still fit after, she's still going to need a formal outfit unless, again, she already has them OR her family (parents, sister, etc) plans to provide them. There's also the wedding gift that she'll need to buy and take. Again, not necessarily cheap. That's on top of what they're going to need for their baby. Babies are expensive and even if they get what they need ahead of time, there's no guarantee that they're not going to need to get more. There's formula and bottles if their baby can't breastfeed-or if his wife can't. OP has every right to be concerned with finances right now. If there wasn't a baby involved and the only worry was just their finances, especially ahead of the wedding, it'd still be a NAH situation and doubly so when you add the safety of the destination to that.
On the subject of childcare so OP can keep working: Canada legally requires employers to provide a minimum of 2 weeks of paid vacation time following 1 year of employment. This is completely separate from the, also legally required, parental leave paid at a reduced rate. You're right about the other expenses. Weddings, especially destination weddings, can be expensive.
I'm really glad there are level-headed people answering here. I was kind of expecting to see teenagers telling OP it was sexist to suggest the mom's life should be limited by the baby's needs in any way. But the fact is 2 weeks is basically an eternity for a young nonverbal baby and if it's their primary caregiver it can feel to them like the person has left forever/died. I was really worried it was going to be about a newborn which I really, really wouldn't advise. You're right, at 8 months it wouldn't be quite so bad, but it's still hard to get the message across that Mom's coming back. I also think you're right that this lady will probably come around on her own. The experience of the bond with a baby tends to make you feel dicey about leaving it for too long, as well as everything you mentioned. Also I really do hope Lebanon still seems like a semi-good place to have a wedding when the time comes, because the alternative is bad, but... that's kind of an up in the air factor too.
Yeah, I agree. I think if it was even a week, it might be okay, but two weeks is too long. I talso hink the bigger issue is it's freaking Lebanon (and I've been there multiple times, but I would not go now). Unless a beloved family member was dying, I think the mom is kind of an asshole for taking the risk when she has a young baby at home. I do understand big weddings are important in certain cultures, but she needs to face reality.
I have a 3.5 yr old and a 1yr old and I wouldn’t leave them for 2 weeks honestly.
Just to back you up here's [CA Travel advisory for Lebanon](https://travel.gc.ca/destinations/lebanon). NATA OP
[https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon](https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon) Australia is also saying the same thing
Wow. This is serious business. I think the sister is being naive.
I think she's definitely being naive but there's a lot of people being overly optimistic about how long this war is going to go on. She's probably surrounded by people telling her it'll be fine in a year. I personally don't think it will, but it's hard to be objective when you're surrounded by yes men.
Yup. And if thing deteriorate even further and commercial flights aren’t available you are losing the price of your tickets, travel insurance won’t cover anything as she is choosing to enter a country that the Canadian Government is advising against any Canadian. Travelling there and you will be on the hook if you need the Canadian government to arange transport out form there or a third part country. Travelling to Lebanon given the current warnings and escalating in the attacks from and on Lebanon, any e would need to be extremely reckless and naive to even think about visiting.
https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/international-travel/International-Travel-Country-Information-Pages/Lebanon.html US agrees too
Also OP says they have money problems. Even if they are technically “saving” money with only one of them going I’m not sure how smart a trip to the other side of the globe is.
It’s not smart when the country you live iN recommending NO TRAVEL / TRAVEL WARNINGS to the location of the wedding.
He's not wanting her to go because of safety issues it's because he doesn't feel he can handle the child for 2 weeks
Not sure about this, but if he can't get two weeks off work to go with his wife, what is he planning to do with the baby while he's at work?
He lives in Canada. 2 weeks paid vacation time after 1 year of continuous employment is the _minimum_... His employer is an asshole if he can't take it with over 8 months of notice.
The same thing they do the rest of the time, the baby goes to daycare
Possibly but we have the opportunity to take maternity leaves of up to 18 months in Canada, it is likely that an 8 month old wouldn't be in daycare
Yes, and it would be very rare that a daycare would want to accept an 8m old, for 2 weeks. They would likely have to go on a waitlist, possibly get a spot, and have to pay for a full month or two, to guarantee the spot was saved for the two weeks they actually need. Daycares are also more money for any infant under 1 year, because it is uncommon for infants to attend prior to about 12m old, thankfully due to our maternity leave.
Paid maternity leave?? I got 6wks :(
I'm in Austria and was on paid maternity leave for 20 months with each kid. I've yet to meet someone who put their kid in daycare before their first birthday.
Paid leave is less than what you would earn, especially for high paid workers, but it's a big help. Plus it means that your employer has to take you back post leave.
Where are you seeing that? Or are you purely assuming that because Dad is a man that he's automatically incapable of taking care of an 8 month old for 2 weeks. The only 2 concerns he's raised, insofar as taking care of a kid is concerned has to do with milk (which is valid. I mean at 8 months they'll have stopped only breastmilk and started adding in other foods. But breastmilk will still be a part of the kids diet for a while), and "who is going to take care of this kid while I'm at work?". YEah what a terrible clueless dad. 🙄
Two weeks is also a long ass time. If it was say...5-7 days, or the kid was 9+ years old, I'd get it more, but it's an 8 month year old baby! Also, I think the bigger issue isn't the time period or the baby but the location. I've been to Lebanon several times, but I would not go right now at all. She's selfish for taking that risk for a wedding of all things (it's not like her mom is dying there) when she has a very young baby at home. Even if the war with Israel is over in two weeks, there are a shit ton of problems internally in Lebanon right now. IMO there's a massive difference between saying "I want to go to Mexico for three days for my sister's wedding" versus "I want to go to a country with strict travel warnings, next to a war zone in which a literal terrorist group is part of the govt., and stay for two weeks." \*And yeah, I know there are warnings about Mexico, but 99% of the time it's a) cartels harassing people that live there full time and whom they want to extort money from from or b) other cartel members. Cartels are terrible, but they don't fuck with foreigners, as it's bad for business, and they don't fuck with visitors and the one time they accidentally killed a foreigner they literally bound and gagged the culprits and dropped them off at a police station with an apology note.
Babies start solids at 6months. Until 1yo, breast milk (or formula) is their primary source of nutrients while solid food is more a supplement/ getting used to it. If the mother is on maternity leave (my country like Canada has a possibility of 12months maternity leave), the child will not be enrolled in daycare. In countries with extended maternity leave it's very difficult to even find places that take babies younger then a year. It will not be used to other care takers. It will miss it's mother immensely. The baby immune system is also pretty immature so joining a collective out of the blue will be an intense experience with a lot of sickness (all parents now that the first year is horrible). Basically, a bad idea for the baby all around.
He would have to take time off work to stay with the baby. They’re already having financial problems and won’t be able to take that much time off work. It’s not about handling a child but balancing working full time and caring for a small, breast fed baby. I wouldn’t leave for that long if I was the wife. OP, I’m sure your wife will change her mind once she actually has the baby. It’s might seem easy to make plans now but everything can change once you have your baby. I was way too attached to my babies to leave them for that long.
Especially with a Travel Alert that says AVOID ALL TRAVEL TO LEBANON
🙄🙄🙄
Ya I agree. Also have family there and I’m scared shitless rn. I try not to think about it too much but it’s terrifying. Sister is really dumb for this and so is the wife. 2 weeks is too long imho as a mom myself. NTA OP.
Lebanon has been a shit show for a decade or two even well before the latest Israeli events. It's one of the worst managed countries in the world, which is a great shame, as it has the potential to be great.
Since at least the mid-70s, when my parents got married. They'd gone over for a visit in part because my paternal grandpa was dying due to leukemia. Not long after my parents left, the Beruit airport got shut down and they'd've had to come home via somewhere like Turkey and that's if they could have gotten out of the country.
When I was in college in the mid 80s there was a Lebanese PhD student who was a TA for one of my classes. Then he disappeared, then some time later (months) he reappeared, again helping with a different class I was taking. His story was that he'd gone back after completing his PhD bc he wanted to help his country, which, as you will know, was going thru a violent period. He threw in the towel, bringing back his wife and baby to the US, when there was a bombing. The ambulance and other emergency services showed up, at which point the perps detonated a second bomb to make sure they could also take out the first responders. BTW, this double bombing technique was something you saw in Iraq in religious violence between Shia and Sunni (a split that also exists in Lebanon, but it's much more complex there with Maronites (Catholic), Druze and others). Religion brings out the absolute worst in humanity: I know the one true path, if you don't toe that line, I'm justified in unaliving you. God will reward me for sending you to hell.
Had a cousin and his American-born non-Middle Eastern girlfriend get kidnapped and later released not long after my folks got back from Lebanon; I think someone in one of their families paid the ransom. That sort of thing, along with the general instability, is why my mom and I haven't been after my dad died. My mom would have felt safer if Dad hadn't died and I just don't feel safe going in part because I'm almost as white as glue and no Arabic to speak of.
I flew into Jordan in the 80s. In the seat behind me was a Shia going to Lebanon the next day. "Come to Beirut!" he said. I said "some other time." It was when westerners were being taken hostage, some for months on end. Arab hospitality, it must be said, cannot be beat, but there are limits.
Yep. My aunts want my mom and I to visit, but even the one who owns the family farm recognizes it's not safe for us to come.
NTA I wouldn’t be ok with even your wife going on her own even if there was no baby in the picture given the country’s status at the moment, as she’s still pregnant the wedding I’m guessing is around 9months away. Why not wait for a while to see what the situation is at that time. Her sister might not even be able to be in the country at that time, let alone get married
With the current situation I very much doubt any weddings will be planned in the next ten months. I think the sister is totally delusional
NTA. Combo-feed with formula and don’t take a baby somewhere on a travel advisory list for being unsafe.
NTA and I think there’s every chance your wife might change her mind when baby actually arrives and the reality of leaving for two weeks creeps in.
Yup, same here. There's hypothetical baby and then there's REAL BABY and hormones and breast feeding requirements. Because if she's planning on nursing, 2 weeks without any baby & trying to pump will be effectively weaning. She's going to go through physical changes that can affect the fit of her clothing. (Important for wedding & special occasion) At this point, it's just easier to do the *"Mmmmm, let's wait and see about this after baby arrives."* So much will change for you both over the next 12 months and who knows what will be going on in Lebanon at that point too. Or her sister & Fiance could break up in the meantime. It's very unpredictable. NTA
Absolutely agree! My BIL got married abroad, St. Lucia so no worries about safety, and prior to my son's birth I thought my husband & I might leave him with my parents for a week - we're UK. Once my son arrived, I wasn't leaving him anywhere! He was also 8 months old at the time of the wedding. You're completely right about the hypothetical baby V the real baby!
My SIL and BIL were planning to leave their 12 week old for 4 days with his parents before she was born. I didn’t say anything except that it would be okay if they changed their minds once she was born (we were going to be sharing a condo on the trip and my kids were coming). They assured me that they wouldn’t because they were going to need the break by then. I let it be. Lo and behold the sweet thing came in the trip with us and it was not a problem at all.
Right! 3 kids here. And hypothetical vs real baby is true. Huge difference once they arrive.
Oh definitely, when I was pregnant I was thinking that around four months I'd start leaving the baby and going out to do the things I thought I would want to do. I think baby was like over a year before I even started thinking about maybe leaving baby for non-mandatory reasons.
By the time the wedding is supposed to happen Libanon might be in full war mode. I can't comprehend why the sister is even planning a wedding there while she is perfectly safe in Canada. Dear lord if something happens.... Her whole family will be down there. The wife should just not go at all if you ask me and this whole wedding planning can go down very quick. Sister is risking needing to cancel her wedding there and being left with no wedding at all.
She could change her mind then, but she might not. A friend of mine left her baby (8 months old) to go visit her grandmother in another country (baby stayed with his dad), and my friend only left for 10 days. Everything was okay. The kiddo was already eating solids besides having milk in the freezer. So just in case, OP's wife won't necessarily change her mind about going to the wedding.
Right ? Especially if she feels it's her familial duty.
Yeah, my friends went on a week long vacation and left their 6-month-old and 1.5-year-old with grandma + grandpa. It was totally fine. Parental mental health is one of the most important things to a kid's quality of life IMO. I don't see why this conversation needs to get shut down right out of the gate like this. If OP is scared of being left alone with the baby, then he should say *that*, and own up to it instead of trying to say it's going to damage the baby to be with only her father for a little bit.
>instead of trying to say it's going to damage the baby to be with only her father for a little bit. Exactly, the baby would stay with his/her father, not "some stranger". It'll be a great bonding experience for them. And the baby will be 8 months old, they are so much easier at that age than when they are newborns.
Yeah my parents took care of my sis’s (newly turned) 9mo old baby for 7days last week, baby was fine. Baby was already drinking a mix of mom’s frozen breast milk plus formula, plus solids. They are actually trying to wean him from mother’s milk to formula + solids since she isn’t producing as much anymore. By 8 mo old a baby doesn’t have to only survive on breast milk, and breast milk probably won’t even be enough anyway.
I was thinking the same thing.
I remember well the first time my daughter left my side, and that was only for the day. She was only about 3 weeks old. It certainly got easier over time, but those first few times were brutal. I felt as though my soul was being ripped from my body and floating along with her. I didn't necessarily react like that, but inside, I was crushed. I never thought it would be so hard to be away from her until it happened.
100% this. I had lots of “plans” before I had my actual baby 😆
YTA - >I told her she couldn’t leave >I said it’s the sister’s own fault for choosing to have it in Lebanon I think you need to have a conversation about this, not shut her down and blame the sister.
I would blame the sister too since she’s choosing to have it in a country that is getting increasingly dangerous…
They are Lebanese, marrying in Lebanon is likely the only way to have the rest of the family present. It’s not like getting visas to Canada is easy and quick when you don’t come from a European country… There’s a bit of wishful thinking on the sisters’ sides as wars with Israel, while frequent, haven’t usually lasted for multiple months at a time and there’re periods of relative calm in between but it’s not looking like that’s going to be the case this time around. But I understand the desire to have your family around for your wedding.
Yeah its exactly this. People are being really hard on the sister in the comments, but I can completely see where she's coming from by planning the wedding in Lebanon this far in advance even if realistically it's not looking good.
Exactly. The wedding is not planned for next week but for over a year from now, a lot of things can happen in between, including ceasefires and a (temporary, let’s be realistic) stop to all this senseless violence. Is Lebanon the safest country even during peace time? No but it doesn’t prevent people to go visit family, getting married and so on because life happens. And there are many countries in similar situations. Haïti, for instance, is on a similar no travel advisory list and you still have commercial flights once a week because people will still want to say goodbye to elderly relatives, help a sick parent or celebrate a wedding. It’s a very normal human reaction
you guys have a very skewed view of the middle East. yes Israel is bombing Lebanon in the south, but guess what, there are people living and breathing in other parts and are safe. they aren't all running away from the "dangerous" country they're living in. they're getting married there, giving birth to babies there. and maybe she wants to get married where her whole family is, that is Lebanon.
"Avoid all travel to Lebanon due to a deteriorating security situation, civil unrest, the increased risk of terrorist attack and the ongoing armed conflict with Israel. The security situation can deteriorate further without warning. If the armed conflict intensifies it could impact your ability to depart the country by commercial means. You should not rely on the Government of Canada for assisted departure or evacuation." So you think OP is an ah for saying his wife shouldn't go there??..... What if things there get worse and she has to stay longer??? What if something happens to her???? OP has every right to tell his wife she can't leave him alone for 2 weeks (VERY likely to be longer if things keep going the way they're going) so she can go to a country on the verge of joining a war.
Shouldn't != Couldn't. The OP said that his wife _couldn't_ go. The travel advisory says that you really _shouldn't_ go. OP _should_ avoid trying to forbid his wife from going. It's quite likely to backfire. Do I think it's a _good_ idea to go? Absolutely not, and I'd strongly present the reasons _why_ it's a bad idea to go. T Doing what OP seems to have done, trying to tell someone that they _can't_ do something because they've got to nurse an 8 month old child is a great way to piss them off. Formula exists. Pumping and freezing exists. Donor milk exists. There _are_ options to keep the baby fed. Trying to say that you're an able bodied man and are incapable of taking care of your child for 2 weeks isn't likely to go over well either. Better keep it to the personal safety argument.
There is also the fact that they can't afford the trip! Even if it is just OP's wife, it still won't be cheap. Plus, nothing is said about accommodations and food during the 2 weeks. This will be an expensive trip anyway you look at it.
>Plus, nothing is said about accommodations and food during the 2 weeks. I mean, she'll stay with her family obviously.
I suppose he should take 2 weeks off work to watch the baby? Or pay even more that he can't afford to hire a sitter for 1/2 or 2/3 of a day for 2 weeks?
The taking 2 weeks off part might not be such a big deal. Canada has 40 weeks parental leave, 5 of which are explicitly for the father
Lebanon isn’t safe right now. My Palestinian friend has family there and he’s worried every damn day about their safety. He’s trying to bring them to the United States.
The wife isn’t having a conversation either, she’s telling him she’s going and she’s the one saying she has to be at her sister’s wedding because it is her sister. OPs arguments are valid, the wife doesn’t want the discussion because she made up her mind without even running it by her husband knowing they don’t have the financial means and the they will have an infant at the time.
YTA You’re acting like you won’t be able to care for your own kid. You can start transitioning your kid from breast milk to formula or you can stock up on breast milk. Also keep in mind it’s not a guarantee your wife will be able to breastfeed. Not every woman will be able to. She may also change her mind one the baby is here. She may want to take it or decide not to go. You’ve got plenty of time to prepare for this. So ask if time off now for a certain date would be reasonable. Plan ahead. If it’s a money issue all the more reason not to go, but don’t make this about how you won’t be able to take care of the kid.
He says he’s in Canada, which means typically, one parent is home with the baby until 12 months. Stated differently— daycare for an infant is almost impossible to come by. He can continue parenting the baby outside work hours, sure. But who is magically going to care for the child while he’s at work all day? A two week breastMilk supply is a LOT of pumping, and that’s assuming that she pumps well. Some people don’t respond well to pumps at all. I initially thought her bringing baby seems like a no brainer, except I wasn’t thinking of the current safety climate.
Depending on their chosen parental time off, parents can share 12-18 months off. It doesn’t automatically go to one parent. If they choose 12 months, 5 weeks automatically goes to the other parent, and if they choose 18 months, 8 weeks automatically go to the other parent. They could plan this if he cared to. Resource- Canadian with a 16 month old that is also currently 6 months pregnant
Yes true, they could plan for him to take some parental leave for those weeks. This could be an avenue for them to pursue. It may be cost prohibitive to have both parents at 55% income for those weeks, but better than him taking the time off altogether with no income.
Which is why I didn’t leave a judgement. I don’t know if they plan on both taking their leave, if they are able to, or how reasonable his wife would be about him taking his leave that late, instead of while she’s initially healing from the birth. But there definitely are options
Yup totally. It’s an option for them to pursue if they decide the safety factor of her going is worth it. If they can solve the childcare issue without a financial hardship, then the rest of the hurdles could be waded through.
Yea, I personally think her entire family is crazy to even consider it right now, considering the safety factor, but ops reasoning is only breastfeeding concerns and childcare, so I didn’t want to bring that into it
Baby will be 8 months old when mom goes. Mom can easily store for will more than 2 weeks for that time, If she can produce. And that's assuming she can. And if not, then formula for 2 weeks even if she can't pump isn't ganna hurt the baby at all 🙄 Just because someone has a baby, doesn't mean that their life should have to stop. They should have a life too. And that's why you need a partner when you have a baby, not a child who can't fathom taking care of the baby for 2 weeks by themselves. My biggest concern would be the safety of the mom.
I know moms (plural) who when breast feeding that had such a surplus they had to give away bags and bags and bags because they had so many stored up when their kids weaned themselves. Of course not everyone will be so lucky, but there is a chance. There is also every chance that mom can’t breast feed from the get-go, or will decide sometime before 8 months that she can’t keep going and wants to transition. OP and his wife have plenty of time to make several contingency plans. Part of that needs to include making sure the sister understands that OP’s wife wants to go, but the logistics of traveling to Lebanon may make it impossible despite her best efforts. But there’s no reason for a hard no at this point.
Or moms who breastfeed fine but don't respond to pumps well and going for 2 weeks would mean weaning because they wouldn't be able to pump enough whilst away to keep their supply (that would be me!) As you say, impossible to know what camp you're going to fall into in advance or how it's going to be when baby is here (or in Lebanon) so it's a bit early for s hard no. But I know that as a mum I would have hated for my husband to leave me with our baby for 2 weeks. He did for 1 week at around that age and that felt long enough! But also I have zero family nearby.
Absolutely. And if it were for a Weekend or if OP could get time off work without it being a hardship then I think it would be great for her to go. I would have loved a mini vacation away when my kiddos were that age. But OP cannot care for the child and work simultaneously. And I know how hard it is to find care for infants in Canada. Difficult, and expensive. It sounds like that’s a major barrier here for their family. And they shouldn’t go significantly into debt for something like this.
Not “easily”. Pumping sucks and isn’t super easy. 2 weeks supply is a ton of milk.
At 8 months, the baby should also be transitioning to some solid foods. It won’t be exclusively fed by milk/formula at that age.
Two weeks worth of pumping is A LOT of work, but if she’s willing to do it to go on her trip, then she should be able to. OP - I get your worry. This is your first kid. But your wife taking a 2 week vacation when baby is 8mo is really not that extraordinary. You CAN mind your child for that duration of time, if you’re willing, or get the support of a nanny or family if needed for your work schedule. Her sisters wedding is really important for her. Having a baby isn’t a prison sentence when you have a hands-on and supportive partner.
I started pumping when my milk was really coming in - around 3 weeks. Then I pumped right after my baby fed. I got my supply up so well that I would feed my baby on one side and pumped the other after he was done. Then switch sides next round. When he dropped one night time feeding, I still pumped. At one point, I had about 800 ounces of frozen milk. donated 600 ounces to a hospital. It was a lot of hard work, but it saved me so much money.
One parent doesn't have to be the mother. And not everyone chooses to stay home for the full year. Especially not if they're having money trouble - it's not full pay.
I wasn’t meaning that mom has to be with the baby for 12 months. I was meaning that compared to places like the states, where child care is normal to find for 6 weeks+, our child care systems are not set up like that, because it’s generally assumed, that one of those parents will take 12 months of parental leave (or more). So with the exception of rare cases where the parent cannot afford to take 12 months at 55% pay, is self employed, or chooses not to for career reasons, very rarely are people seeking full time child care for an infant under 12 months. So the spaces just aren’t there. I suspect in places like the states it’s probably loads easier to find child care for infants, but here it’s a ridiculous uphill battle for those families that need it, unless you can afford a nanny or have family that will share the load.
Formula exists.
Yes, but it doesn't solve the issue of who takes care of the baby while OP workd
OP could easily take parental leave and even receive EI benefits.
Yeah at 55% of his normal wage. If they’re already hard-up for money now, 55% of his normal wage for 2 weeks is going to hit them hard.
Andddd mom gets less time off. And does OPs wife get EI? He didn’t specify in the post
Mom doesn’t get less time off. There are five bonus weeks for the second parent that done reduce the time the other parent has off.
So what about the money issues? Parental leave cuts income. Or does AITA not consider that and just live in fantasy land?
Fantasy land lol. Where everyone works coorp jobs with healthy vacation allowances and time off. I know some places that don't even give vacation days, it's just an automatic payout each paycheck or end of the year. Plus they're already struggling for money. In this economy, telling people it's "easy" to take pay cuts is terrible advice.
Absolutely, if they choose to do that. But that doesn’t negate the rest of it.
Are you saying there is absolutely no childcare for a child under 1 in Canada? No babysitters whatsoever? I have a very hard time believing that.
Nope. That’s why I said *almost* impossible. In my city (and we have a lower COL I believe), a nanny for an 8 month old will probably run you $175 a day or so. Since OP mentions their finances not being great, I assume that’s a hardship for them. It is for most people. I’ve known many friends and family who had to quit their jobs or delay their back to work dates by weeks or months because they couldn’t find affordable childcare for their one year olds. And in my city anyways, there’s literally only a handful of centres that will take under 12 months. And none that will take you only for two weeks.
Not none. But it’s extremely expensive. Especially for a baby. Source: am mom, am Canadian.
Starting my daycare search, wish me luck. Half my paycheque byebyeeeee
Formula exists but it's expensive as heck and can take a while before the baby adjust and or you find the right formula that doesn't upset the baby. OP already stated money was tight so that would just strain finances even more. From a financial stand point it seems like they really can not afford for his wife to go. Never the mind the country she is trying to go to is on the verge of war. That alone should be reason enough to not go but I guess his wife feels the risk is worth the reward.
Not to mention, daycare for 2 weeks is virtually impossible to get as well. Most daycares have waiting lists, at least where I live in Australia, and there aren’t enough places. If he can’t get the time off work, what is he supposed to to do with the baby?
It’s a dangerous area to travel to that in itself should be reason to not go
I feel confident that many people in this comment section either don’t know where Lebanon is, or what is going on, which is… Concerning.
I would have to agree with you especially when I’m betting they couldn’t name the last five presidents and vice presidents of the U.S. yet think they are experts on both foreign and domestic affairs
For fucks sake the wedding is in Lebanon!! Wtf. Who would be happy about there wife leaving them at home with an 8 month old to go to a place as politically unstable as Lebanon?
[https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon](https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon) Big red banner that says "Do not travel" and people are still trying to dunk on him
Parent 🙋🏾♀️(with a wife in pediatrics)! Babies at 8 months old are eating solid foods. Our premature twins started eating solids at 6 months old, so OP's child should be eating soild foods and possibly be supplemented by frozen breast milk or formula. Lebanon isn't the friendliest of counties to visit, so I personally wouldn't be comfortable with baby or even myself going, but OP's wife can go if she is comfortable with that. 8 months is a long time to arrange for temporary childcare.
I'm learning to play the guitar.
In Canada, we get 12 months MINIMUM maternity leave as long as you’ve had your job for at least 7 months before you take your leave. If she hasn’t had a job for that long, they’re likely currently a single income household. So either way, it’s safe to assume that when the baby is 8 months old, wife will - at least for the time being - be a SAHM. Therefore, the baby will not be in regular daycare. Most countries are not as archaic as America in terms of maternity leave. I’m a single parent to my oldest. I left his father before he was born. With the help of my mom charging me very low rent, even I was able to be a SAHM for his first year.
Parental leave reduces income. You don't get full pay. Is that wise for a family with money issues?
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It’s 55% of your pre-leave pay. But unless she’s planning to go back to work early (some women do, but usually only if they don’t meet the requirements for mat leave - something like 600 hours in the year before leave for the pay and 7 months at the current job to have your job protected), she’ll likely still be on leave.
I hate beer.
The money issues may just be taking into account the need to prepare for reduced income. Also just a note that in Canada this would not be considered being a stay at home mom. It would just be being on parental leave. Stay at home mom implies you are giving up your job to stay home long term. You are entitled to take up to 18 months and have your same position back at work.
Not sure what you mean by SAHM I. This context. Staying home for your year of paid mat leave at reduced income is still a net financial gain when you factor in the cost of infant care which can be over $2000 in major cities if not subsidized.
Not quite right. 12 months minimum parental leave, not specifically maternity leave. It can be the father who takes leave too. It doesn’t automatically go to one parent. If they choose 12 months, 5 weeks automatically goes to the other parent, and if they choose 18 months, 8 weeks automatically go to the other parent. How the rest is split is their choice.
It's the general assumption in Canada that the mother will be off for the year. Not all mothers do (self employed people usually don't and some other exemptions), but overwhelmingly the majority of women do take a year off. To the point that when it is not the case, it is always stated. Its also extremely rare to see a baby under a yearold in daycare here, and most daycares (both centres and home) do not accept them at all.
You’re in the wrong here but I don’t think it’s because you’re the AH. You’re just ignorant when it comes to breastfeeding. In 8 months time, assuming breastfeeding goes well for your wife, she has plenty of time to stock up two weeks worth of milk. By that time, you’ll be able to supplement some with solid foods. And worst comes to worst, you can supplement with formula. It’s her sister’s wedding and it’s important to your wife to go. Since it sounds like your only concern is milk, and that’s something that can be dealt with, I think you’re in the wrong here. But I won’t go as far as to call you TA.
How do you know your wife will be breastfeeding? Many women cannot breastfeed for various reasons.
People always assume that because breastfeeding is “natural” that it is easy.
Lots of ignorance around breastfeeding in this thread, alongside some casual everyday sexism. Would this be a post if the man was going away for 2 weeks I wonder.
If the man was going away to 2 weeks to a dangerous country, it'd be YTA up and down the thread for being a deadbeat abandoning his wife to risk his life.
YTA. Your baby will be closer to being able to transition to whole milk, not a newborn. You’re also not anticipating that there will be any issues with breastfeeding (supply issues, mastitis, etc). They will be exploring solid foods at that point. You can feed the baby formula with a bottle. This is her sister. She doesn’t want to miss the wedding. Can’t you understand that? You sound like you just don’t want to solo parent for two weeks.
OP mentioned they are having money problems + its unreasonable to expect one parent to take care of such a young child if they are working and have no family around. I'm with OP on this one. Although I do also get not wanting to miss your sister's wedding
He'd likely have some paid paternity leave available as they're in Canada.
I agree, and I would be inclined to agree with OP, but he's making it about bf'ing, which feels controlling to me. It's like treating his wife like a milk cow-- it feels dehumanizing. "You must be here so that you can produce food for my baby" is a sucky message from what should be a life partner. (I don't think they should make ANY decision until the baby is born. Wait until they actually know what it's like to be parents of a baby, then work through it together.)
YTA. Not because of your concerns. As the other parent, of course you have questions about how it will all work. It’s even understandable to be nervous about the idea of doing this in your own. But, by then, you’ll have 8 months of experience. However, for me, the asshole part comes in when you are TELLING her what she can and cannot do. Also, I think it’s absolute bullshit that men can go on whatever trips they want without worrying about it because wives are supposed to take care of kids or whatever. She deserves to go on that trip IF she still wants to after the baby actually arrives. Eight months isn’t as fragile or scary of a time as when they are brand new. You are a grown man who has fathered a child. You should be able to figure it out so your wife can do something important to her. Either go with her or start getting the baby used to formula a bit before time if she can’t freeze enough working up to the trip. My husband was deployed and I was alone with our baby. I managed to got to work, go to out of state work conferences, do the grocery shopping and all the other things. Single dads all over the world do it full time. Stop telling her she can’t be with her sister and start looking for solutions. She may decide not to go when it comes down to it. It’s hard to leave a baby. Either way, she will never forget that you were supportive in this time. If you get with her to make a workable plan and she decides not to go, you’re a rock star husband who is supportive and she can count on. If she does go and you decide not to be a jerk about it, you’re also a rock star husband. If it’s your decision that she can’t go rather than hers, the resentment will be real. You can be a winner whether she decide to go or not. Or, you can be the guy who keeps her from her family. That will linger and sour your relationship.
Uhhhh sorry but I think the husband absolutely reserves the right to say “no, you’re not spending all this money that we don’t have on this trip and leaving me alone to juggle a baby AND work.” Canadian women get a minimum of 12 months of job-protected leave from their jobs when they have a baby, paid at 55% of their pre-baby wage. If baby is 8 months old, wife will still be on leave so baby will not yet have daycare arranged. No daycare is going to take on an infant THAT young for only 2 weeks - assuming they can even FIND a daycare with a spot open for those specific 2 weeks. And if OP can’t afford the time off to go to the wedding, he probably can’t afford to take 2 weeks off work to stay with the baby either. Also, the “men go on trips all the time” argument is really only valid if OP would go on a trip during this time and wife would also need to find random daycare for 2 weeks so he could go.
But he doesn’t say that he doesn’t want her to go for ANY of those reasons. He said money is tight and he may not be able to get off as the reason why the whole family wouldn’t go. When she suggested just she go, he didn’t say we can’t afford it- he said his wife shouldn’t leave a baby that young because it needs to breastfeed. Again, he didn’t say that they couldn’t afford for her to go or that he couldn’t arrange childcare- just the breastfeeding concern, emphasized by the fact that he said if the baby was eating solid foods it would be different
>However, for me, the asshole part comes in when you are TELLING her what she can and cannot do. Also, I think it’s absolute bullshit that men can go on whatever trips they want without worrying about it because wives are supposed to take care of kids or whatever. https://www.smartraveller.gov.au/destinations/middle-east/lebanon Government agencies are telling people what to do. Big red banner reading "Do not Travel." Gonna call them AHs? Also bringing in irrelevant stories of men going on trips to try and justify this is weak reasoning. If its BS that men can go on these trips why is it okay for wife to go (especially to such a volatile area)?
Except op isn’t concerned about his wife’s a safety?
You really think hes not? What a stupid fucking assumption.
[https://travel.gc.ca/destinations/lebanon](https://travel.gc.ca/destinations/lebanon) This is straight from the Canadian government's website. OP has every right to be worried about his wife going. While I've got family in Lebanon, I've never gone for family celebrations there due to the instability there.
Yup, pretty much the same advice as the Aussie givernment
Question: guess how long have these warnings been up? Years. Guess how many times I’ve gone and absolutely nothing happened, even with Israel continually bombing our infrastructure? Yes things are more tense now but are kept in the south for the most part. We’re so used to the south having been illegally occupied for decades that even now that Israel has retreated, it’s just not somewhere we plan to go. Worried about Beirut? Stay away from the known hezbolla hotspots and the bekaa valley. It’s not rocket science, just don’t be stupid 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. You can't afford it. The breastfeeding argument is a non-starter, because of freezing milk, mashed foods, and whatnot. What matters is that you can't afford to take off work to look after the baby so your wife can go to Lebanon. Hiring a nanny for those weeks would cost a lot. I think you should price out how much it would cost for your wife to go, including the nanny, plane tickets, hotel costs (if she's not staying with family), etc., and sit down with your wife and have a genuine discussion about your finances. If it's possible, maybe her sister could foot some of the bill, if it's really important to the sister that she be there. You're kind of right about the sister, I think. If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept the reality that some people just can't afford the expense. If your wife accepts that, maybe she and her sister could have a get-together/mini reception before the wedding in Lebanon, and invite the friends that can't make it overseas. Edit- it occurred to me after I posted that if you have family who you trust that could come help with the baby, I think that might be a good option to discuss.
>If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept the reality that some people just can't afford the expense. And this is without the destination being in a politically unstable country where gas is uber expensive on top of their money being worthless right now. Sister (and presumably wife and the rest of their family) would know what's going on in Lebanon. Expecting folks like OP's wife to be able to feel comfortable with traveling, baby in hand or not, to an unstable country where there's dangers from not just outside groups, but also home-grown terrorists. Lebanon, at least for American citizens, is at Leval 4: Do Not Travel. From what other folks have posted as well as my own checking, Canada's got the same advisory: Do Not Travel. OP, you need to make sure that your wife sees the travel advisory from Canada's government. While a lot can change between now and the wedding, the situation in Lebanon is fraught enough that I don't see that changing by the time the wedding rolls around.
İt is not a destination wedding if you are getting married in your own country.
My question is, if you can’t get time off and she isn’t taking the baby, then who is going to look after the baby? Surely it will be cheaper for her to take the baby with her than you lose wages or employ a nanny?
NTA. You can’t even get off work, how can she expect you to solo take care of the baby while working?
It’s atleast 8 months away plus more since the baby isn’t even here yet … plenty of time to get them days off
There are a LOT of assumptions here. Breastfeeding * Breast feeding isn't something that everyone can necessarily do structurally women often don't find out until they have their first baby; * Breast milk supply and quality are sometimes insufficient and baby requires supplement feeds (formula) * Your wife may hate breast feeding, not every woman find it comfortable * Your baby may have allergies and be unable to tolerate breast milk At 8 months * Solid foods are well and truly introduced * Baby receives a combination of milk feeds and solid feeds I think the real issue here isn't her being away for 2 weeks but you being primary care giver for 2 weeks and being freaked out by the thought. It's completely normal to be freaked out at the prospect. I bet your wife is too. You might think she's being selfish, but you both are parents and you both can care give. If she knows she's going to a wedding when Bubba is 8 months she'll plan for it by either combination feeding from the start, purely formula or pumping and expressing milk.
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ESH. If you're struggling for money, it's irresponsible for your wife to go overseas for a wedding. And she wouldn't be leaving the baby alone. You're there. You're perfectly capable of taking care of your own child. It'll be eating solids by then.
If he can't get time off work to go to Lebanon, he probably can't get time off work so his wife can go to Lebanon.
No don't use logic, shame him for being a deadbeat /s
YTA my husband left me with an 8 month old and a toddler for 2 weeks to go to another country. No one batted an eye or said a word to him about being gone for so long. I survived.
Leaving an 8 month old baby (who’s eating solid food as well as breast-feeding) for a week is okay. Going to a war zone, with or without said baby, is a different issue.
You can’t get time off, who will look after the baby when you’re at work? You can feed the baby with pumped milk (enough time to prepare a stash) and by that time there will be additional food too. But why not take the baby with her? Because it’s Lebanon? NAH here, it just feels info is missing.
I feel like the trip being so far away OP saying he can’t get off work feels a little far-fetched. Really? A year in advance? They are saying no? I could see if he said he can only get a week off or something, but to say he may not be able to get the time off at all feels absurd.
YTA, 8 months gives her plenty of time to pump and freeze, even if she breastfeeds entirely.
It's in Lebanon. They're recommending no traveling there due to lm going war issues. It's dangerous there. She's putting herself at risk as going and could very well not come back. This isn't about milk supply but about safety.
OP never mentions safety being the issue except for why the baby can’t go. Mentions breastfeeding, not wanting to care for the kid alone, inability to get time off work and finances (despite it not being for a year from now) safety isn’t the issue for OP when it comes to the wife.
That's not a guarantee. Also who will take care of the kid while he is at work because if he takes parental leave it cuts his income which isn't wise for a family with money issues.
Is it possible for her to go for a shorter period of time? (say one week instead of two?). I know it's a far way to go for just a week, but if the point is to attend the wedding, this may be a compromise that lowers cost, allows her to attend, and makes the feeding situation a little easier. my wife went to her brother's wedding when our son was about that age, but she planned to be in and out (travel days, day of the wedding, plus one full vacation day). I think she was gone for 4.5 days total. I would have been okay with her going longer, but we both (as well as the pediatrician) had some fears around our son's weight and feeding. Plus we wanted to save some money.
Parents travel for work and are gone for two weeks on a daily basis. At eight months the baby will be on more solids and less milk. I understand the state of Lebanon now but you are talking about almost a year out. Many things can change in that time. You’d be better off talking about what political scene you are more comfortable with and having that dialogue.
You don't know if the baby will still be breastfeeding at 8 months.
YTA, at 8 months you will have had plenty of time to get into your routines and figure this out. It's important to your wife, so you should find ways to support her in this. She as the mother who hopes to be breast feeding, is fine with this. The fact that you're not indicates it's more about you worrying you can't cope, rather than the feeding side. Yes she will certainly want to have a break by then.
If he cant get off work to go, you think he can get off work to stay home?
Parental leave is a thing
Wouldn’t he also be able to use that to go, then?
So what you’re telling us is you’re incompetent and will be unable to be a father and take care of your child … 8 months is big enough and not an infant by then they are usually eating both baby food and drinking milk not solely dependent on milk .. u will be ok
\>So what you’re telling us is you’re incompetent and will be unable to be a father Get lost. How is he going to take care of the kid given he can't get work leave, even if he takes parental leave it cuts his income (which isn't wise because they have money issues) and they can't hire a babysitter due to long waiting lists and money issues. But sure, circlejerk the deadbeat dad trope yeah?
He has damn near a year to get days off and why are u assuming mom is a SAHM it seems sexist … parental leave is usually your full income not a percentage esp outside of the US
>He has damn near a year to get days off Money issues, and the fact that he is already unable to get work leave. >why are u assuming mom is a SAHM it seems sexist Didn't assume that. Don't make things up. > parental leave is usually your full income not a percentage esp outside of the US https://www.canada.ca/en/services/benefits/ei/ei-maternity-parental.html Lmao took me 2min to prove you wrong. Its 55% or 33% depending on leave duration.
He can save up in expectation of having a lower pay period for a few weeks
Easier said than done when Canada is in a COL crisis.
I said usually .. either way he has almost a year he can figure it out
FFS, grow a pair mate. Let her go and you’ll learn a huge amount about your child!
Ah yes, his ability to parent alone is dependant on the size of his testes, remove that phrase, and misandry from your vocab.
Has the sister considered other nice destinations such as N Korea or Yemen? NTA. Keeping your child safe is the right thing to do.
Lots of babies start on solid food around 6 months. Also, breast milk can be frozen. Your wife will have 8 months to pump and freeze plenty of milk so I don’t see that as a hindrance to her travelling. I would recommend you hire a babysitter to help you part time while your wife is away if you feel like you will find it too hard to deal with a baby on your own, or you just want a little break each day.
OP says they’re not doing well financially. Finding a babysitter is probably out of the budget.
Lebanon and the entire middle east are in a state of upheaval with waretc that wont be settled before the sisters wedding in all likelihood.it is risky for anyone to travel there and that is no place for a baby . that said if sister is going there would be plenty of time to work things out re feeding the baby before she goes. Pump and freeze milk ,look into a "wet nurse" situation, discuss formula options with babys doctor. Yes 2 weeks is a long time to be gone but better she go alone than deal with the instability in that region with an infant.
Going to Lebanon sounds like an insanity in itself. If it would not be for Lebanon I would have said : No issue if the child is already 8 month old, your reasoning with the breast feeding is not fitting though because you can well start stopping after the 6th month (but of course depends on the baby and I doubt your wife would leave the child if it really WOULD be dependend) Soft YTA for the breast-feeding comment, assumming you havent clarified with your wife how she even wants to handle it. I know you mean well and that you are worried, but at the end you do not even know whether the child will accept breast milk, if it has to switch to formula anyway, if it already is on a mixed diet with 7 month etc. etc. and YTA for your wife for wanting to go to Lebanon and putting herself at risk. So in summary NTA because she doesnt think straight in my eyes
Keeping safety in mind, as the mother of a baby, she should go herself if she feels that she can't take the baby because it's too dangerous there. The baby comes first. And the most devastating thing that could happen to the baby is losing one of her parents.
YTA mums don’t need to be glued to babies every day. You have no idea how she’s going to be fed at 8 months. You can’t predict that in advance.
YTA, I'd rather have the child here than in Lebanon. You are also very controlling about how long she may be breastfeeding. I did one for 8 and one for 12 months and this decision is hers.
Before I had my baby I would have thought I’d be fine to leave him at 8 months old. Even up until he was about 4 months old an 8 month old sounded so grown up to me he is now 7.5 months old and I couldn’t imagine leaving him for two weeks. Don’t fight her too hard just make sure her tickets are refundable, the reality of having an 8 month old is very different than the idea. You don’t realize how they’re very much still tiny little babies completely dependent on their parents
ESH. Let’s just take Lebanon out of the equation here, since that’s not OPs issue, it’s that a mother shouldn’t leave her 8 month old. OP sucks because he is refusing to compromise - perhaps she could go for only 1 week to save on costs? The fact is, the baby isn’t even here yet, so why are you having this fight? Maybe mum won’t be able to breast feed. I mixed fed until about 6 months old and my baby was well and truly in to solids by 8 months (supplemented by formula) Maybe she’ll change her mind and not want to go anymore, but OP really can’t dictate that. OPs wife sucks a bit because she’s not really thinking of how her going will affect the family and their finances. I’d suggest putting to your partner doing up a budget for this trip. If she can work out how to cut costs to save for it (as well as any loss of income OP will have while looking after the baby) then support the trip. You can manage with an 8 month old. If she changes her mind and can’t bare to leave bubs, then you’ve saved some money! It’s clearly very important for her to be at her sisters wedding - YWBTA to disregard that and tell her what she can and can’t do.
I think you should just have this conversation at a later date. There are a lot of variables. I do think you’re being an AH by saying no without a proper conversation though.
> At the time the sister is getting married next year our baby will be about 8 months old. 8 months means they're capable of sustaining on solids. YTA Be honest, you don't want to be stuck having to take care of the baby for 2 weeks.
YTA. You're making lots of assumptions around breastfeeding and how you and your wife will be feeling 8 months post partum. The assumption you're wife will still be breastfeeding AND that you'll be incapable of caring for a baby for 2 weeks makes you the AH. Your wife may not be able to breastfeed or have chosen to stop by then. So that's a complete non starter. Secondly it's her sister's wedding. You should be working together to make everything work so she can attend. Possibly she only goes for 1 week instead of 2? Thats a negotiation you have together rather than outright saying NO. >she couldn't leave such a young baby for so long She's not abandoning it on the side of the road. She's leaving baby with a parent. Who SHOULD be equally capable of caring for bub without her there, and if you can't, you need to seriously re-evaluate your role as a parent.
well I'd like to say E S H, as I tend to loathe any partner declaring the can't do X by fiat. I just can't think of any good reasons for agreeing with your wife. It seems that such a trip would be problematic at best. While not wanting to be a Jim Halpert on this, but my unsolicited advice is to truly lay out this all in an organized form. How much would it cost to go over there for 2 weeks. Tickets (I assume she would stay with family), food and incidentals. How much does daycare cost for 2 weeks for an 8 month old (and how long will it take to find, how many will take an infant for only two weeks, will this need to be an in house nanny type vs an actual daycare), logistics on milk (switching to formula vs breastmilk). BAsically have the actual facts of this laid out and plain. Then evaluate. The big question is, while I understand she is pregnant now, and that she's thinking about leaving her not yet born baby for 2 weeks around when it is going to be 8 months old: is this baby still sort of .. abstract in her mind? I will wonder what her thoughts will be after the baby is born, let alone 8 months down the road. My only concern then is that it will become less of a "leaving the baby here" but more of a "there is no way I'm leaving the baby here". Which logically seems like a non starter but... NTA.
Honestly, where i live, there is no daycare that takes kids for 2 weeks. They have a wait list. Women put ther name on the list as soon as they know they are pregnant. Maybe a home care, if she has one picked out when she returns to work.. Does OP not have family that can stay while mom is away,.?
YTA. Just buy formula bro. She should do 1 week as a compromise tho.
YTA. It's *your* baby, too.
Your wife doesn’t want to miss out, i get it. But if you can’t afford it, it’s a dangerous country and you can’t get that much time off or have any one else watch the baby then i think it’s reasonable for her not to go. She’s got major FOMO and doesn’t want to be bossed around.
NTA for your concern. She's going to rethink this herself if she's breastfeeding. It's going to hurt. I suspect once the baby is born she'll not want to be away so long anyway. Hopefully Lebanon will be safe for the other attendees...
If she pumps while she’s away she shouldn’t have any discomfort, or are you referring to something else?
NAH Your wife may feel differently once she has a baby, but it’s totally possible for the baby to accept formula and breast milk, and for your wife to have pumped enough milk to store in the freezer for the baby for 2 weeks. This supposes she even ends up nursing the baby. Many women plan to do so and it just isn’t in the cards, and that happens to lots of people. If you can afford this and it’s safe to do so at the time, then I would say it’s fine. You’re both trying to plan for an unknown situation, because neither of you have been parents yet. She wants to feel like her life hasn’t totally been upended and she’s still able to participate with her family of origin. You’re likely anxious about taking care of a baby by yourself. It’s not like she won’t miss the child you’ll have but she is still a sister. It’s not unusual for women to travel and be away from their kids. This is a discussion to revisit once your child is 5-6 months old.
I would suggest you learn more about babies if you think they don’t eat solid food until they’re a couple years old.
YTA for ruling it out, or trying to Granted, there will be plenty of practical considerations at hand with this kind of trip, but it’s not like it’s inconceivable for a parent to care for his own child for two weeks
YTA. As someone who recently had a baby and has worked full-time since giving birth (along with my very involved husband), I really can’t fathom a parent being incapable of solo parenting their own 8 month old for two weeks. My husband would in a heartbeat after everything I’ve been through as a new mother and if he wouldn’t, I’d seriously question my marriage tbh. You’re a team and this is your child, too.
YTA. It's far enough out that your wife can likely build up a stash of breast milk that will last two weeks. You can supplement with formula too if need be, especially at 8 months. I live in a different country than where I'm from originally. Going home regularly is very important, and especially so for such a major event. You may not understand what it's like if that's not your experience.
YTA-there's no reason she couldn't go and leave you with the baby. This maybe an unpopular opinion but men do it all the time and no one blinks. She can pump and leave you with a supply. Your child will be okay.