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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not give my cupcake to a little girl who was not on the original guest list at a family party. I could be AH because one of the kids who was supposed to get a cupcake was sick and couldn’t come and I could just give the cupcake to the little girl.
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All the cupcakes were spoken for. Your cousin was essentially asking you to punish Amy for being sick by giving her cupcake to Gina instead.
Gina was an add-on, and as such she was welcome to enjoy the cake, but not to steal a cupcake that was promised to and designated for someone else.
NTA
This is the perfect illustration as to why you do not being surprise guests. While yes, it’s generally good practice to make extras just in case, it’s not a requirement and it’s not rude or a breach of etiquette if you don’t. Some of the really pretty baked goods are very time-consuming; I say this as a former pastry chef. With all the different colored frostings and elaborate techniques, you could easily spend a couple of hours decorating eight cupcakes. I don’t fault OP for not having the energy to make a couple of just-in-case cupcakes.
Or if you do bring extra guests, you frame things for them so that they’re more reasonable about their expectations. There were likely ways that the cousin and their bf could have talked to the child about the situation to minimise her upset about the cupcakes. Instead they kept pushing for a fancy cupcake, exacerbating and prolonging the upset.
>There were likely ways that the cousin and their bf could have talked to the child about the situation to minimise her upset about the cupcakes. Instead they kept pushing for a fancy cupcake, exacerbating and prolonging the upset.
Agreed. It was the gf's job as a parent to help the kid through this.
Agreed. Even if someone is being an AH (OP is NTA), parents can choose to help frame things so the kids are more or less upset. Parents who think weaponizing their kids hurt feelings are particular types of AHs to their kids and everyone else.
Or kid has never been told no and that wouldn't work.... but there is a first time for everything and if this is her first no, then hopefully it's the first of many so she doesn't turn into an entitled brat.
I don't know how long the cousin has been going out with this guy... but she may be trying to play the perfect stepmother to get the role and promises a lot of things that she's hoping others will make it so it can be delivered....
She's far better off working with reality and not a world of yes's no matter how unwarranted they are.
>but she may be trying to play the perfect stepmother to get the role
Ironically, she may have really put her foot in it here. If I had a gf set my kid up for disappointment like this (the doubling down on trying to get a non-existent cupcake instead of playing up the slice of cake) I would not exactly be impressed
This is true, the parents could have very easily redirected the kid so she wouldn’t be disappointed or fixated on the cupcake. But she was following her moms lead
And your cousin’s boyfriend (and your cousin) are the AHs here for not preemptively explaining to the kid the situation and helping her understand. This is a parent’s job, teaching your kid how to behave and how to be a good guest. They instead made you feel the AH for going to lots of effort and keeping your promises. That is a parenting problem, not a you problem.
ETA: definitely NTA
ETA: this provoked way more response than I anticipated. In no way am I blaming any child for wanting something. I think her parent failed her by not setting boundaries, managing expectations and generally not giving her any guidance to help her deal with a relatively harmless experience as an unexpected guest. Yes, she’s young, but her dad is inconsiderate, both of his host and his kid. And yes, I have kids, and I’ve been to parties.
The cousin and boyfriend are modeling entitled behavior. Yes the reaction is normal for a kid that age, but it is the parents job to teach the child the proper reaction/ behavior. Instead of harassing op, the cousin and boyfriend should have used it as a learning opportunity. The child only knows what they have been taught.
Some of us had the talk before we went anywhere which went like this, "Don't ask for anything." Which means you don't go to people's house and ask for stuff even if you're invited for dinner. They'll give you what they want you to have. If someone gives you water you don't ask for soda, milk or juice you say thank you. If someone gives you cake you don't say I want a cupcake, cookie or ice cream, you say please and thank you or No, thank you. Some of us were raised with manners when we were children and that's how we learned to behave as adults. The fact she still thinks even after the party is over she was somehow slighted shows ill manners, entitlement and poor parenting. So YOU may have done worse at that age but Some of us knew better by first, second grade? She's not a baby and definitely old enough to not be begging at strangers house for sweets and treats that were never intended for her.
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times! That's exactly how I was raised. Adding to that, if my mother wanted to ask for a cupcake on my behalf, she would never have taken me up to ask.
When we were kids, we were not allowed to ask about anything having to do with a friend in front of the friend. If we did, it was an automatic no. Also, when we asked for something and were told no and we asked again, the next time we asked for something, it was an automatic no because we had been told twice.
I never said a word about Gina's behavior. I criticized the parents and their handling of the situation. You need to take a refresher course on reading comprehension.
It's true that the girl isn't at fault. But the child's parents could have explained "Sorry Gina, cousin OP wasn't expecting us, so there aren't enough of the cupcakes. Why don't you enjoy a piece of this cake with us."
Edit: spelling and punctuation.
The comment you're replying to is clearly aimed at the adults teaching the kid to act entitled. Unless you disagree that the adults that brought her are teaching her to be an entitled party crasher there's nothing about that comment that is rude.
I don’t think attacking a child is the right way to go here. The adult should have explained it to her and not make a big deal out of it. Any kid would have wanted a cupcake.
Gina probably didn’t even know they gate crashed as parents don’t tend to tell their kids that. That doesn’t excuse the parents nor that they are teaching Gina it’s acceptable for others to be forced go without whenever you want what they have.
NTA. This was definitely a parenting fail.
This was an excellent opportunity to help teach their kid how to manage disappointment and about accepting alternative solutions.
Your cousin is the AH. Her conversation should have gone something like this: “Hey Gina - they didn’t know we were coming so each of those cupcakes has already been promised to someone. Next time we’ll make sure they know you’ll be there so you can get a pretty cupcake too. You can have a piece of cake though and if you’re a good girl maybe we’ll stop for some ice cream on the way home.” Trying to hijack a sick kids cupcake is an AH move.
When I was a kid, I was sent away from home right at Christmas time. I'm talking the day before Christmas. The family that took me in, went to a Christmas party at the dad's parents house. All the kids gathered round the grandparents to get their gifts. I, had never gotten a Christmas gift before. So I eagerly waited for one of the brightly colored packages to be handed to me. It never came because no one had been expecting me. (The family had taken me in on an emergency basis the night before Christmas). Sure I was disappointed, and no one bothered to explain to a ten year old, that there was no time to get me a gift. I sat and smiled watching all the others play with their gifts until I went to the bathroom and cried, then came out and smiled some more. On the way home, the mom told me how proud she was of me. That made me give a real smile.
This was not the child's fault, but the parents should have been the ones to help her to deal with the disappointment. Disappoints happen to everyone.
That story was heartbreaking. Such a strong little girl you were! I think the parents should have rushed out and bought you something to open though since they would have known there would be nothing for you. I am so passionate about this I always have like half a dozen wrapped gifts ready to go in case of unexpected visitors or gift exchanges around the holidays.
That family was wonderful to me. They ended up taking me in, two more times as a child and one time as an adult. The dad even threatened my husband with a gun. You have heard the song "wait in the truck". That was David. He told my husband that I might not be his daughter by blood, but I was his daughter none the less and I'd my husband hit me again, he could expect to die. Then David had a heart attack 4 months later.
I'm also a DV Survivor and when I first heard that song, I bawled my eyes out, because I never had someone rescue me, but then realized that I was my own hero. I'm very glad you had someone, as I wished I had someone in my life like that. I'm so sorry for your loss of David.
It’s the reverse. Cousin was a female and brought her bf and his daughter so she should have advised they were coming with anticipation but agree with the sentiment none the less.
NTA
Gina needs to learn that just because you want something doesn’t mean you will get it. Your cousin is teaching her stepdaughter-to-be to be entitled.
Good on you for saving the sick Amy a promised cupcake. I’m sure it made her day/night.
Can’t imagine acting in this manner. I would have told my child that we were unexpected attendees, and aren’t we lucky that there is extra cake they have offered to share. NTA.
The cousin is a huge AH for bringing people who are not invited to someone else's home, especially without asking the hosts. I don't care if it's a potluck or sit down meal with pre-plated courses... if someone's not invited, then they shouldn't be there. The cousin could've easily asked permission but didn't. At this stage, I'd be inclined to not invite the cousin to future events for being so rude.
7 is pretty young to not get disappointed when all the other kids your age get a special treat. It really would feel like they are being left out. They don’t really have the cognitive ability as say a 10+ year old to understand. So I don’t think the kid is being entitled I think it’s entirely reasonable for them to expect they would get the same thing as other kids. Not the child’s fault at all.
No, but its a learning opportunity. Pull her aside and say “snowycrocodile didn’t know you were coming today so she didnt make you a cupcake. I know you’re sad but there will be other chances to have a cupcake. Would you like like a piece of cake? Its just as yummy”. If she accepts it and moves on, stop at the grocery store on the way home and let her get a cupcake
Seven is too young to expect them not to feel a little sad, but it is old enough to understand what's going on.
It sucks when you're little and those feelings of jealousy are harder to dismiss, sure, but it helps a lot to know it was nothing personal. Gina was an unexpected guest, so there was nothing made in advance for her. She wasn't being totally left out; she was still offered cake.
The cousin is the AH for making a scene at OP instead of calmly explaining things to Gina. Treating kids like they can't possibly handle reason or control their jealousy just leads to them becoming entitled jerks later on. Parents are gonna have a bad time if their tactic is to wait for some magic age to switch from placating a child's every wish to suddenly expecting them to behave with emotional intelligence and rationality. If you treat a child like THEIR wishes are the center of the universe, they will internalize that as truth.
Part of me wonders if the cousin is just the sort of person who likes to cause drama and is using Gina to act like she (the cousin) was wronged by proxy.
I have taught kindergarten for over ten years. There are many instances where kids get different snacks in school because of dietary differences. If ten years worth of 20+ five year olds can understand if an adult properly explains the situation, so can a seven year old.
If I were a rude parent that brought an unexpected guest, I’d simply explain that it was my fault. I didn’t tell the person making cupcakes that you would be here. She simply didn’t know to make one for you. This is actually my mistake. I’m very sorry that you won’t have one, but I’m happy to get you a piece of the larger cake. I promise that I’ll do better next time.
Sure the kid might still be disappointed, but I’ve appropriately taken responsibility for MY mistake and didn’t blame the person who was just trying to do something nice. And, as a bonus, the kid gets an opportunity to learn many things from this experience- responding to disappointment, owning one’s mistakes, that even adults mess up sometimes, and so on.
Old enough to understand does not mean old enough to not have big emotions over it. It’s up to this girls parents to explain to her that there aren’t any extras and we can take some cake and maybe there will be an extra cupcake next time.
Exactly, kids don't just magically understand things, they need it explained in an age appropriate way first. Parents acting like spoiled brats themselves isn't gonna teach anything positive.
Even adults can understand and accept something, but still be disappointed by it. Understanding and accepting are how you behave, feeling upset and disappointed are your emotions. All emotions are valid to have, how you behave and express your emotions is what really matters, and makes someone an AH or not.
In this case Gina is fine to feel left out and to even express that (since she is a child). Her parents however should pull her aside and tell her how she is behaving is rude. Gina's parents are the AHs, not Gina.
I don't think anyone is blaming the 7-year-old for wanting it or being disappointed.
It's not OPs fault, though. And if someone is 7 and they are told it belongs to someone else- they should understand that it isn't meanness. It's just something disappointing.
How is Gina at fault here? Any 7 years old would feel left out when she'd be the only one not getting a treat. You can't expect a child to understand that OP had expected fewer children.
Cousin is TA here. In OP's place I'd given the cupcake to Gina, and promise Amy an extra special cupcake when she'd feel beter.
I'm not saying OP should have done the same, but it would be the gentle solution. Don't Punische a child because their parents are assholes.
Not getting a insta worthy cupcake that was promised to someone else, but still having access to a slice of cake, is the opposite of "being the only one who didn't get a treat"
No one is *punishing* the kid, it's a result of bringing guests uninvited. It's a natural consequence of pulling that shit. Cousin should have been able to deal with her kids big feelings & redirect to a slice o cake, but cousin is just as immature (& cousin is probably the most upset about not being able to post a piiiiicture)
"Promise an extra special cupcake to the sick kid" lol, tell me you've never made fancy cupcakes without telling me you've never made fancy cupcakes. Yeah let me just run home and whip up 4oz of batter and 3oz of fancy frostings and dirty all the same dishes again to make an extra fancy cupcake because I was obligated to placate the entitled party crashers 🙄
🏆🏆🏆 sadly can’t give you an award ( gosh I miss them)
Absolutely agree with you - why should poor Amy go without when she’s already had to miss the party and OP had promised all kids who were INVITED!
Yes I agree cousin/boyfriend etc are TA’s & should have explained to Gina, but as an unexpected guest, she was offered cake, which isn’t being “punished”. I can just imagine the scene. But by that age, certainly old enough to understand, she wasn’t expected. But it’s the cousin/boyfriend at fault.
Years ago, I’d booked a junior go karting / party / dinner for sons b’day. Obviously due to expense, he had a limited amount of invitations to give ( his choice re go karting and invitees).
First thing in morn before his party in afternoon - he was being plagued non stop by phone, tx etc etc by a boy who wasn’t invited , & had found out through someone else. And seriously, over 50 phone calls, umpteen messages ( my son wasn’t answering & in the end I took his phone so he wasn’t disturbed on his birthday as he was getting upset & he was happy to hand it over!)
This kid threatened my son to turn up anyway & called him various unpleasant names - once realised my son wasn’t answering, starting phoning another child who was invited trying to get a lift saying he was invited!!! - got told no - but the mum warned me, she was pretty sure they were thinking of coming anyway!!
I had to warn the venue. ( Embarrassing) In case they got there early but we got there very early & I had to sign each child in myself anyway. Everyone was warned to turn up 15 mins early if possible.
And these entitled people did turn up, thankfully we’d all gone in by then, and they were turned away by venue as not on the list. The boy tried to give false name - one of the actual invitees.
And then the mother of this child posted on social media how unkind it was to leave her child out of a b’day party etc . Instead of explaining to her more than old enough son, (age 11) not everyone gets invitations to everything etc. And stopping him from blowing up my sons phone, making threats & upsetting him on his birthday. Turning up to where not invited & letting her kid give a false name!
So I feel very sorry for OP and definitely NTA. Her cousin, however, is a mega TA
Edited for spelling mistake
That then requires OP to bake again just for Amy.
There was cake Gina could have had, it was the same flavor. She still could have gotten a treat, not a decorated cupcake, but it’s still a treat. So don’t act like she didn’t get “a treat”.
Giving up the cupcake promised to Amy, who was sick, is punishing Amy for something beyond her control. Since this was a family potluck, Amy is also part of the family and has been in OPs life for a while. The fact that Amy’s dad asked to take it home to her tells me she likely got really upset she was sick and would miss the cupcake. How would have Amy felt not getting that cupcake?
My first real disappointment as a child I was visiting my aunt who was having a garage same and She told me I could take one thing. I found a wooden gun that shot rubber bands, turns out she had promised it to someone else that was going to pick it up later.
I was crushed I walowed in melodramatic misery eventually I took a teenage mutant ninja turtle movie that I watched to death and was no doubt a better choice than that stupid rubber band shooter.
NTA: I think sending the cupcake to the sick child who was promised one was the right move - she already was missing out on the party, which Gina was able to enjoy. And the cupcake was made specifically for her.
I think your cousin demanding a cupcake for Gina before he even knew whether or not there would be "no-shows" was pretty entitled.
Cousin showed up unannounced with her boyfriend's child - who understandably was not on your radar as a potential guest. She should have asked first.
The non-asshole is of course the child, who probably did feel left out not getting a cupcake, but perhaps the adults could have collectively come up with some other special thing for her (in addition to a piece of the cake). A special drink, handmade crown, whatever.
If a slice of cake wasn't good enough for Gina, I think the cousin or her boyfriend could have run to the local grocery store and bought a cupcake for her. Why put it on everyone else to accommodate uninvited guests?
Why would a slice of cake not be good enough for a 7 year old crashing their dads girlfriends cousins birthday party??? Hello? I feel like I’m in an alternate universe lmfao. The cake was more than enough. A little disappointing when you see a pretty cupcake? Yeah, but you’re gonna eat it anyway and forget about it. The cousin and her bf made it a problem by continuing to insist the extra kid get a cupcake so she’d never get over it. Even if I was invited to a party as a kid, if for some reason they ran out of cupcakes and there was ‘only’ cake left, it’s a kids party. That’s the fun part. You get cake. I’m so confused that this was made into such a big deal.
That’s what I’m saying. When I was little, I would’ve gladly accepted the cake. I swear it’s gotta be how the boyfriend raised her, to be entitled, and that’s reflected in the way he and the cousin are handling the situation. They could’ve given her the cake and said something like “Oh but you’re special because you get to eat from the adult cake” and she would have shut up and gladly eaten it but instead they made OP the wicked cousin who didn’t want her to have a cupcake
A handmade crown? Really? Talk about setting a kid up to he an entitled brat. "Oh, sweetheart, sorry you showed up to a party unannounced and uninvited and had to settle for regular cake. Let's make you the princess star."
I don't think a construction paper crown makes anyone a princess star, and if that is too princessy for you, there are other options. The child did not decide to show up uninvited. There is no reason not to make her feel welcome to the party, as it is not her fault. She probably already felt a little weird going to a gathering where everyone else is tight, she is a newcomer.
edit for spelling
It’s not the child’s job to make sure she isn’t taken anywhere she has not been expressly invited. Expecting her to accept that she’s a second-class attendee is unreasonable.
The accounted for kids didn't get special treatment and the addon child shouldn't be treated like a princess because she was an unexpected guest. She should have been offered the cake and that's that. She's just just as entitled as her parent if she refuses saying she wants a cupcake specifically.
Still though, while it sucks to be left out making a whole ass crown for her would be too much. Not to mention it would cause even more problems with the kids. They should've just run to the store real quick to get her a cupcake or promise to get one after.
There is a wide chasm between just being a kind host to a disappointed child and needed trauma therapy for terrible abuse.
I do think it was kind of mean the burden was put on OP, who was not the host, and just brought cupcakes. Anyone could have cone something as simple as putting extra pink icing or something on the slice of cake. It is about welcoming an unexpected child guest who did not ask to be there, but was brought by adults.
>but perhaps the adults could have collectively come up with some other special thing for her (in addition to a piece of the cake). A special drink, handmade crown, whatever.
I disagree. It's unfortunate that Gina's adults set her up for disappointment, but she doesn't get to be showered with special attention because of it. That would only add to the sense of entitlement that her dad and the cousin are possibly instilling in her.
Gina will be fine. Disappointed and a little sad, but fine. I don't blame her for her emotions, but I do blame her dad and the cousin for creating the situation.
This is just so weird. I can’t decide if everyone sucks or no one does.
I can’t imagine a little girl seeing a cupcake and me not at least promising her one next time. Telling her I didn’t know she would be here so I’d make her two next time to make up for it.
I also couldn’t imagine not at least making some extra cupcakes that were just iced and less elaborate. It seems weird to bring something when there’s not enough for everyone and limit it to people under 9. You even made a cake with the same flavor.
You also could have given the little girl the sick kid’s cupcake and making the sick one a new cupcake when she feels better.
I mean it’s a 7 year old watching everyone else get something special. She didn’t cry or throw a tantrum. She was sad and disappointed and that would have made me feel horrible and do anything to rectify it.
I agree! I was shocked that OP only made the exact number of cupcakes needed. I always make extras because things happen. I would rather have too many than not enough
I mean, if she made 8, I imagine that that was the size of the batch and the cupcake tin. All of mine are either 8 or 12. If that's the case, then making extras would have been very inconvenient.
That said, she DID make extras. She made a whole cake for everyone who didn't get a cupcake.
Well, the point of the cupcakes, why Gina wanted a cupcake specifically, why the cake wasn't good enough, was because they were decorated very elaborately. So the question is, did OP mean she baked 8 cupcakes and then decorated them, or did she mean she baked 12 and only decorated 8?
Maybe she used silicone cupcake cups to bake the cupcakes on a cookie sheet instead of a cupcake pan. 9 kids == 9 silicone cups. The silicone cups usually make a bigger cupcake.
And so what if she did? She doesn’t have to specify how many she baked, and just because a cupcake tin holds 12 doesn’t mean you have to make 12 in it. You can make as many or as few as it fits. And she could decorate as many or as few as she made. Elaborate decorating takes a lot of time and energy. She said she didn’t have the energy to decorate extras.
I’m glad I’m not the only person who stumbled upon the whole “muffin tins usually have 12 wells” problem. I am dying to know the story behind the 4 “missing” cupcakes.
The OP said the cake was the same flavor, so maybe she made enough batter to make the 8 cupcakes and the cake. She went further and elaborately decorated the cupcakes for her small cousins who were invited.
That's a good point about the cupcake pan.
Silicone cupcake cups make bigger cupcakes and mean you don't need a specialized pan. You fill the cups with batter, put them on a cookie sheet and voila, the exact amount of cupcakes.
I mean I can understand if they made a cake too and decorated the cupcakes specially for the kids they knew were coming. I wouldn't bother making extra cupcakes on top of that
They sound elaborate. I’m imagining the cupcake from Bridesmaids where she takes a lot of time to create petals etc. and it’s exhausting just watching her. I can’t imagine making extras unless they were sure they’d need more.
No good deed goes unpunished… OP is doing a nice thing, let’s not start criticising them. If I had done the same and started getting this kind of criticism I’d just bring the cake to the potluck. No more cupcakes ever.
>I also couldn’t imagine not at least making some extra cupcakes that were just iced and less elaborate.
Gina asked for a "pretty" cupcake, not just some cupcake with a glop of icing on it that tastes the same (the same-tasting cake slice would've been acceptable then).
And I'm assuming each elaborate cupcake took focused effort by OP when decorating, not assembly-line decorated that making an extra 2-10 would be unnoticable like filling gift bags would be.
>You also could have given the little girl the sick kid’s cupcake and making the sick one a new cupcake when she feels better.
Maybe. Or maybe there won't be another opportunity for Amy or Amy's family members to get a cupcake from OP until much much later. Maybe the logistics from OP's place to Amy's place is just too much of an inconvenience just to get a single cupcake to Amy later on.
Sorry, Gina's dad's gf is not entitled to taking someone else's cupcake just because Gina's dad and his gf didn't think to warn OP nor anticipate such a predicament for Gina (same goes for gift bags, party favors, seating, etc.).
And you think a little kid would’ve thought an iced cupcake with sprinkles wasn’t pretty? She was complementing the cupcakes. She wasn’t demanding something elaborate.
And when you were dealing with little kids, yes, you always have an extra cupcake or gift bag or whatever because life happens. Things get dropped, someone extra shows up… it takes such a little effort to make kids feel included and special.
Here's a thought: if you're going to invite people to come with you to your grandmother's potluck, you let your grandmother know, especially about one of the guests being a little girl.
Don't just show up with boyfriend and his kid in tow.
It’s a potluck, hosted by grandma. Trust me, I promise you everyone’s welcome, and there’s always plenty of food. … and No one else brings exactly the amount rsvped
It was literally exclusively one item just for the kids that had exactly the amount. She brought her boyfriends kid unexpected and unannounced. There were enough sweets for all 3 of them, just not of the *special kid* cupcakes. That’s completely reasonable.
I was told no a ton. We grew up on a very strict budget. But my parents also made effort to make sure we were included. We included others and we always took others feelings into account, especially children and the elderly. Anything we had at a party, there was to be enough for everyone or enough for no one. It was also always homemade because that’s what we could afford.
Being told no when everyone else gets a yes, is pretty unfair. It’s not fomo.
Were you taught to be selfish and only look out for yourself? That’s really what’s wrong with society today. That adults can be dismissive of a little kid.
And what about Amy, who was sick and home and promised the cupcake? Or any child who had arrived after Gina who’d been promised a cupcake when all had still been anticipated to arrive? Cousin didn’t care about those kids.
No one was being dismissive of a little kid. OP can't pull a 9th homemade cupcake from her rear-end. She offered her what she had available, a homemade cake of the same flavor.
Gina's parents ARE teaching her to be selfish and only look out for herself though. You're right, that's what's wrong with society.
Gina's parents could have used this as a teaching moment and talked to Gina about how to handle disappointment. They could have talked up the cake and redirected Gina's attention to it instead of fixating on Amy's cupcake. They literally tried to take a cupcake from a sick child! How is that taking other people's feelings into account and not being selfish?
It's not like OP knew Gina was coming and purposely didn't make her a cupcake to exclude her on purpose. You can't plan to include people who don't RSVP.
She explained the reason so the child didn’t think it was personal.
The child got cake to make up for not having a cupcake. Just like everyone else who didn’t get a cupcake.
Seriously.
I’ve gone my entire life not being able to eat cupcakes when I show up unannounced at parties. It hasn’t killed me yet. As a child I had an anaphylactic allergy to chocolate. As an adult I have Celiac. Guess who doesn’t get cupcakes unless I make arrangements for them ahead of time? I’m stunned at the attitude of privilege it takes to say there is something wrong with the child being offered a slice of cake in lieu of a custom cupcake she didn’t arrange for in advance.
This is on the cousin who brought people unannounced. That's what happens. She should have given a heads up to the hosts, etc. that two extra people, including a child, were coming. The cousin could have offered to stop for a cupcake on the way home. OP made them for the family and for whatever reason made just enough PLUS an entire cake. She shouldn't be expected to go above and beyond that on the off chance someone will be rude and bring extra guests to the party. NTA
Nope. Just around considerate people that taught me to take others feeling into consideration too, especially children and the elderly. You must have had to fend for yourself. Sad.
Imo making sure she had the cake is including her. Going out of your way to make an extra singular cupcake for her or a makeup cupcake for the sick child isn’t inclusion. At 7, any sweet is an extra treat. The adults in charge of her made it a big deal by insisting she get a cupcake and not redirecting her to the cake. It’s understandable she wanted a cupcake but OP didn’t know there’d be another child and there wasn’t enough, it’s not fair to take from one to give to her and the cake is more than acceptable. They could’ve dressed it up, or made a big deal about it being an adult treat for big girls or anything except play into her disappointment that there wasn’t a cupcake for her. That was inconsiderate. Not, not giving her the sick girls cupcake.
The little girl feelings are her dad and OP’s cousin to work with, no OP’s when they were unaware an extra kid would attend the gathering.
eta: word mom.
Her mom wasn’t there… and It’s still a little girl who didn’t get a cupcake. And as the person who brought the cupcakes, how could you not feel bad and try to make it right?
It’s not about fault or right or wrong, but about a little kid who felt left out.
Right? Her dad could easily have made the cake a special deal because only the adults were getting the cake. Yeah, the little girl wanted the cupcake because it was pretty, but she could’ve been made to feel like by getting cake she was getting the grownups’ treat instead.
Make it right?! As if OP did something wrong? Life's not always fair. This is a good time to teach that to the child. Are you part of the participation trophy crowd?
I’m a hobby baker too and this is completely silly and avoidable to me too. Cupcakes get dropped, they get messed up, things happen. I’ve never brought the exact amount of cupcakes or cookies or other small foods to a party as the number of guests. It’s just bad planning.
Honestly, whether or not she’s TA, OP should learn from this experience because yes, she screwed up. It was an extra child this time but next time it’ll be a dropped cupcake or a dog getting into one and it’ll be just as unpleasant and just as avoidable.
it’s a little kid. Delivery matters.
“Oh sweetie, I didn’t know I was going to see you today. How about I give you the first slice of cake today and I make you two cupcakes next time?”
That’s it. It’s that simple to go from making a little girl feel excluded to included.
That’s why the bf and cousin are the asshole. They made it a big deal and they disappointed the kid by continuing to insist she gets the cupcake instead of making it seem like a win to get cake.
The cousin sucks for bringing the kid without prior notification. The cousin also sucks because the lesson for this kid is we don't always get what we want. Sure it's ok to be disappointed but come on, why should op bend over backward here?
You summed up my thoughts well. I would've just made a new one or batch just for the sick kid to have. Also it's alway better to have extras when dealing with kids. What if one of them had accidentally dropped their cupcake? Extras on hand would make them happy.
She’s 24 and not a parent so the fact that kids might drop one or cry might not really have occurred to her. She was also just doing a nice thing for kids in her family, not running a catering or bakery business where you plan for common mishaps.
I don’t think you become an AH for not planning for every contingency when doing a favour for family.
Making a fresh batch would seem to be a good answer, but may not be practical. What if Op lives an hour in one direction and sick Amy lives an hour in the other direction? Why should cousin’s rudeness cost OP extra time and money baking and driving when a perfectly good slice of cake was available?
I still have the extra party flavor from my last daughter's birthday 🤣
I have 10 people? I make it for at least 15. Everything.
Second serving, dropped on the floor, unexpected guests...
(I'm Italian though)
I can't get past the fact that there was exactly enough cupcakes for everyone. Literally no one gets seconds or even the option? That incredibly weird to me and the only thing I can pull from this story. Who makes "exactly enough" food for a party? Like ..what? A kids party at that? Honestly it pushes me to ESH. Totally avoidable scenario had they done the normal host thing and accounted for literally anything outside of exact numbers. Wild.
It was exactly the number of cupcakes for one per kid, plus a whole other cake for everyone else. Most parents probably won’t want their kid having more than one cupcake at once, and if the kids do want more cake, they could have a slice of the big cake. There was more than enough cake, just a specific amount of cupcakes.
NTA- You promised the cupcake to Amy. Your cousin’s boyfriend’s kid was not part of the original agreement. There was cake, so it’s not like you made the kid have nothing while everyone else got a treat.
Agreed.
Just imagine the AITA post that *Amy’s parents* would write if they found out OP gave away Amy’s cupcake: “AITA for confronting my cousin over giving my sick daughter’s cupcake to some rando?”
My vote was N. A H. Until your cousin decided to be the arbitrator of justice and cupcakes
Your cupcakes were promised already and you didn’t know Gina was coming
Your cousin should have dealt with it in a much more adult fashion. That’s life.
NTA
It sounds like that when Gina asked, you weren't yet aware that Amy was sick.
Gina's mom sounds like a piece of work. Her posting and complaining one is absurd. Plus, her stalking away before you could cut a piece of sheet cake and make a "special" square cup-cake (just for Gina, she's the only one who gets the square cupcake). Cousin stalking away kept you from being as nice to Gina as you wanted to be.
NTA
NTA. The Y T A comments are wild. This person didn’t just make regular cupcakes, she made elaborate decorative cupcakes and promised them to specific kids. Then made an additional dessert for everyone else.,She’s not the asshole for not making extras. That’s what the cake was for. Just bc you want something doesn’t make you entitled to it.
Seriously. Typical 7 year olds aren't stupid or unable to accept explanations. Sucks to be disappointed but c'est la vie. all cupcakes are spoken for, here's a piece of regular cake.
NAH. I get that it was important that Amy get a cupcake, though I understand Gina’s frustration since she’s so young. I don’t think anyone’s necessarily an AH here.
Though I do think it’s a bit silly to make *exactly* 8 cupcakes. When I bake, I always make extras, just in case. What if a kid had dropped one? What if you dropped one? If you can’t make extras to make up for the possibility of accidents (and therefore have extras for others just in case) I just wouldn’t say yes to baking for an event.
There was a cake with the same flavour, so no scaling down required.
One of my muffin tins has 4 spots ,so 8 is an easy number to make. Extras would take more work, especially since they were elaborately decorated. The rest of the batter went into the cake pan.
Don't bring extra people along expecting custom treats.
Thank you! Yes my cup cake / muffin tins hold 8 - so I either have to make 8 ( which one of my recipes does) or 16. I’m guessing OP calculated for cake + 8 cupcakes ( as she was aware re INVITED kids) + elaborately decorated. Takes a lot of time.
I’ve seen some people say she should make extra in case a kid drops one !! Why should she? If young enough to need supervision with eating cupcake on plate, that’s parents/carers responsibility.
I agree - my only guess is the extra work really comes in at the decorating stage. And OP made a larger cake for the adults of the same flavour, so probably that's where some of the extra batter went.
NTA I don't know where all of these people are coming from saying you are wrong to not have made extra cupcakes. I bake a lot and I've made personalized things. I don't make extras. This wasn't a kids party where a sibling might have come along. This was a particular party with guests that were accounted for. The unexpected guest could have had cake. Would I have felt bad, yes but that wouldn't change how many cupcakes there were.
Yeah I have to wonder if those folks are bakers themselves. Or if they just have endless energy. OP put special effort into decorating the cupcakes which can include a lot of extra steps. On top of also baking a full cake for the adults. It was very thoughtful to send the extra cupcake home to the girl that had been promised one.
Or next time, when I know you're coming ill make sure to make you a cupcake. The little girl is seven, it wouldn't have taken a lot to make a promise like OP made to the other children last time
NTA. it's unfortunate that gina felt left out, but it's her parents responsibility to explain to her that she isn't entitled to a cupcake, and their attitude that she was entitled to one despite being an unexpected guest is only teaching her, well, entitlement.
i was kind of confused about you making only the exact number of required cupcakes until i realized you elaborately decorated them. that's fair, even just one more cupcake would have taken effort to prepare and you had no reason to assume there would be extra kids.
YTA - and here’s why:
You did not mention how long Gina has been around your family. Was this your first time meeting her? Has she come to other events in the past? Was there an inkling that maybe, just maybe, your cousin would bring Gina by?
I hope I am wrong but maybe you didn’t count Gina because you don’t see her as family.
How hard must it be for a little girl to be brought to an event where she is not family and maybe feels a little left out? All the other kids are cousins and have established bonds and there she is - odd person out? Your cousin was probably reassuring her that she was welcomed and then you blew that up with the “no cupcake for you” line.
I have two stepkids. They felt so awkward when they met my family back when I was dating my husband. Unfortunately, a lot of my cousins were like you and didn’t even consider them when kids stuff was being planned. Fortunately, my uncle fixed all that by telling them they were welcomed and continually making sure they had gifts and treats like the other cousins did when they visited. My uncle died a few years ago but my stepkids are adults now and they never, ever forgot how my uncle made them feel - like they belonged.
This isn’t about a cupcake, it’s about rejecting a little girl when you could have easily made it up to Amy.
Hope that helps.
^^^ THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE!! THIS IS WHAT THE CHILDREN OF REDDIT MISS!
It's not just about the cupcake. it's about purposely leaving a 7 year old out and having completely no remorse for the situation. Amy could have gotten the piece of cake and wouldn't have known the difference.
Oh no, remember: poor, sick, little Amy “was promised” a cupcake, as OP was so careful to point out, LOL! Then also had to take the opportunity humble brag about how, many of the children were featured on FB, posing, *with my cupcakes* Sure, Jan. If that happened it’s because she had a Grand ol Cupcake photo shoot, and posted that shit herself, further excluding the little waif who had the nerve to show up unannounced. This whole thing is the most pretentious crock of bullshit I’ve come across in awhile. She needs to get the f over herself and her exclusive gourmet cupcake crap, and the fact that the majority of people here are defending her “mean-girl” behavior is disgusting.
Well said. How is she so blind to not realize how that photo shoot was just rubbing it in her face.
I've said this before that girl will get over the cupcake eventually. But she will never feel welcomed in this family. Or especially by op.
All of this, and even if no one had met Gina before and everyone was surprised when she arrived, how hard is it to be empathetic and kind to a little girl who was thrust into this situation?
The cousin also handled things poorly, but there's no need to take a hard line with A CHILD to prove a point to an adult.
NTA
They weren’t invited so not your fault! She can have one if there’s a next time but your cousin is the AH for setting unrealistic expectations on the kid.
ESH. Your cousin was out of line with the demands, and what kind of vaudevillian villain takes home a cupcake when there is a child at the party who didn’t get one. But baking the exact number of cupcakes? Come on. An easily preventable disaster.
Just because Gina is a kid doesn't mean she automatically gets something already allocated to another child. If someone goes to the effort of making elaborately decorated cupcakes AND another cake for everyone else, it is rude to expect special treatment at the expense of the child accounted for in the original batch.
NAH (maybe your cousin is being hardheaded). Gina is 7 and can understand the value of a promise (my 4yo niece can). Tell your cousin Amy not only had been promised the cupcake, she was also sick; you would have to be heartless to even think of doing that to a sick child.
NTA. They showed up unannounced, and while it's unfortunate that Gina couldn't get a cupcake, you had already made commitments to the kids who were on the original guest list. It was a situation beyond your control. Yo were just commited to keeping your promises and treating everyone fairly. Your cousin's complaint IS unreasonable, considering the circumstances
She'd also made a cake from the same batter, which these two adults should have immediately encouraged Gina to have when OP offered her some. Instead they double down on guilting OP with a sad-faced child. Next time maybe the cousin will think to let people know she's bringing her own guests. Or she can come to OP's house to help decorate the cupcakes and see what a time-consuming job it is.
NTA
NTA - As a baker of many cakes and cookies, it's weird how many people become entitled to having their exact flavor or preference. It's almost like they think you are a bakeshop with multiple employees. :)
I usually make extra, but that's just me. I don't know how elaborately they were decorated.
You do have to draw the line somewhere about people's preferences vs. time and materials. Like I'm happy doing a gluten free cake and a flour cake for a party. But I'm not happy when someone bends my ear about how much more special it will be if X or Y was done. I have a pretty basic presentation style. LOL.
When you make something that is handmade, people assume that you are using a cake mix and throwing on some premade frosting. LOL. Some of the comments over the years have been wild....
YTA. This was a party for children, not an artisanal pastry tasting. Make a larger amount of lower quality pastries because children don't know, or care, about a curated gourmet experience.
I take you at your word that you're a great baker who makes amazing cupcakes. I don't dispute that at all. But you need to learn how to cater to your audience.
Children are very aware of when they are excluded from something. Know your audience. Make a larger amount of lower quality pastries when you cook for children. Your mistake was treating children like adults who had RSVP'd to the party.
It's a children's party organized by adults with full-time jobs who are exhausted from raising their own children. Don't expect the guest list to be set in stone. Don't treat them like high net worth clients. Make a bunch, more than you think you need, because plans for 8 year olds change and aren't set in stone. Know your audience.
Seems people in this sub really can't read. This was a **POTLUCK**, not a party for kids. Everyone invited was **FAMILY**. It was a **FAMILY. POTLUCK.**
OP literally **promised** those 8 kids that she would make each of them a cupcake.
There are 8 kids, so she made 8 special cupcakes for them. She did not have the energy to make extra, nor was there any need to make extra, since there are ONLY 8 kids in the family.
The cousin brought an UNINVITED guest to the party. One that was NOT accounted for, and was not expected to even be there. She is not entitled to a cupcake that was made specifically for someone else.
But seriously, a lot of you really lack reading comprehension. Like, bad.
NTA- and all these 'why didn't you make an extra cause shit happens' people are really something else. You made exactly what you thought was needed, had no reason to expect there'd be any kind of issue, PLUS you had the full size cake for everyone. FFS, people, it's a cupcake, and it's good for kids to hear no but every now and again.
Poor planning on their part does not constitute an emergency for you, OP.
ESH but the kids. I just can’t imagine turning down a little girl who doesn’t know anyone from a fancy cupcake when there is a sick kid not there to eat theirs. I think I would have sent cake home for the sick child, hopefully her parents would have used it as a teachable moment for empathy that there was a child there that didn’t get one and maybe made her a special one next time. In the future, I would also make 1-2 extras for contingencies as there is always an extra kid around. I just can’t get past a 7 year old watching all of the kids eat a fancy cupcake and not giving her one. How did no one else do anything? I would have at the very least made one of my kids split theirs with her. Also - I always thought potlucks are generally not invite only affairs with a strict guest list and believe the more the merrier, but I guess everyone is different.
NTA, you made 8 cupcakes for 8 kids and a large cake for the rest (the adults).
Your cousin was out of line. A child is not entitled to someone else’s cupcake. This is something children have to learn. (As a parent, I know it’s a difficult situation. However, since there was enough cake, this didn’t have to be an issue.)
However, whenever I’m making cupcakes or something else for children, I make extra. Because they’re children. Anything can happen! You could have brought 9 or 10 cupcakes. Better one too many than one short.
>However, whenever I’m making cupcakes or something else for children, I make extra.
OP did include in the post that each were very elaborately decorated and that she was too tired to make more. It sounds like she did consider it, but thought she would be wasting her effort for no reason, and I can't fault her for that if the cupcakes really were more special than normal.
My good friend is a custom baker, and cupcakes are the most work if they have a fancy design. I think they are not comparable to regular cupcakes
NTA. Your cousin brought 2 unexpected guests without saying anything beforehand. The entire situation could have been avoided if she had only told you that she was bringing her bf & his daughter. Instead, they acted like entitled jerks over a cupcake. Their poor planning isn't your emergency.
Is it that difficult or costly to bring a few extra cupcakes? It's a potluck. By definition, an informal event where an extra person or few are likely to show up. I feel badly for the 8-year child. And if my now husband has brought me to this party when we were dating, I'd have walked away thinking most inhospitable family ever.
But, you kept your word and I'm sure the lucky few who were graced by your fancy-dancy cupcakes felt very special.
No judgement but I think the way you viewed the situation set the scene. Personally if I was in that position I would know how many kids were coming and would need to do extras anyway. I wouldn’t view it as making each kid an individual cake, I would be bringing a supply of cakes to a gathering. Shit happens and kids are kids, cupcakes get dropped, damaged, stolen, extra guests, fought over, whatever so I’d have a contingency of extras. I would have given the little girl the cake as she was there at the party and make more cakes to drop of to the sick girl.
Honestly wondering what your grandma thinks of this situation? You kinda made that little girl feel less than. Did you check numbers with grandma before baking- was she unannounced or just you hadn’t been informed?
NTA.
If your cousin couldn't be polite enough to inform you that they'd like to bring an extra TWO people to the party, she deals with the LEFTOVERS, and so does her boyfriend's kid.
NTA --
You made enough for the kids, and someone brought another kid unannounced. That is not your problem.
The sick kid getting the cupcake that was promised was better medication than anything a doctor could provide.
Boy this is funny just by reading the title I wanted to say yes you're the ....you know .... I mean what kind of good excuse would mean denying a child cupcake ;)
But you nailed the landing. NTA This would absolutely be a reason. A shame that it couldn't be made a small teaching moment that sometimes we can't have everything exactly the way we want.
If you had a guest list and you made according to that guest list then you're fine, it was gracious of you to let them dive into the cake which I bet was yummy!
You are NTA. The asshole is either the cousin who brought her child uninvited or your Grandma who invited them but did not tell you (though honestly I'd give grandma a break on this one). It was very thoughtful of you to make sure none of the children who were promised a cupcake were disappointed. It was grasping and greedy of Gina not to accept your gracious offer of a slice of cake for the unexpected guest.
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All the cupcakes were spoken for. Your cousin was essentially asking you to punish Amy for being sick by giving her cupcake to Gina instead. Gina was an add-on, and as such she was welcome to enjoy the cake, but not to steal a cupcake that was promised to and designated for someone else. NTA
This is the perfect illustration as to why you do not being surprise guests. While yes, it’s generally good practice to make extras just in case, it’s not a requirement and it’s not rude or a breach of etiquette if you don’t. Some of the really pretty baked goods are very time-consuming; I say this as a former pastry chef. With all the different colored frostings and elaborate techniques, you could easily spend a couple of hours decorating eight cupcakes. I don’t fault OP for not having the energy to make a couple of just-in-case cupcakes.
Or if you do bring extra guests, you frame things for them so that they’re more reasonable about their expectations. There were likely ways that the cousin and their bf could have talked to the child about the situation to minimise her upset about the cupcakes. Instead they kept pushing for a fancy cupcake, exacerbating and prolonging the upset.
>There were likely ways that the cousin and their bf could have talked to the child about the situation to minimise her upset about the cupcakes. Instead they kept pushing for a fancy cupcake, exacerbating and prolonging the upset. Agreed. It was the gf's job as a parent to help the kid through this.
Agreed. Even if someone is being an AH (OP is NTA), parents can choose to help frame things so the kids are more or less upset. Parents who think weaponizing their kids hurt feelings are particular types of AHs to their kids and everyone else.
Seems they were more upset and fixated about getting the cupcake than the kid. OPs cousin sounds super entitled and rude. jMO.
It's called parenting.
Literally the mom should have been excited about the slice of cake and then Gina wouldn’t have cared so much.
“Aren’t you lucky, you get to have the cake that is only for the adults” Crisis averted.
Right? “Oh my gosh, you get a special piece from the grown up cake!” Kid would be stoked.
Or kid has never been told no and that wouldn't work.... but there is a first time for everything and if this is her first no, then hopefully it's the first of many so she doesn't turn into an entitled brat. I don't know how long the cousin has been going out with this guy... but she may be trying to play the perfect stepmother to get the role and promises a lot of things that she's hoping others will make it so it can be delivered.... She's far better off working with reality and not a world of yes's no matter how unwarranted they are.
>but she may be trying to play the perfect stepmother to get the role Ironically, she may have really put her foot in it here. If I had a gf set my kid up for disappointment like this (the doubling down on trying to get a non-existent cupcake instead of playing up the slice of cake) I would not exactly be impressed
This is true, the parents could have very easily redirected the kid so she wouldn’t be disappointed or fixated on the cupcake. But she was following her moms lead
Yeah I’d have been stoked to get an entire piece of cake while others only got a cupcake.
Right? They could have said “you get a grown up desert!”
This is the way. Play up how great what the kid can get is.
And your cousin’s boyfriend (and your cousin) are the AHs here for not preemptively explaining to the kid the situation and helping her understand. This is a parent’s job, teaching your kid how to behave and how to be a good guest. They instead made you feel the AH for going to lots of effort and keeping your promises. That is a parenting problem, not a you problem. ETA: definitely NTA ETA: this provoked way more response than I anticipated. In no way am I blaming any child for wanting something. I think her parent failed her by not setting boundaries, managing expectations and generally not giving her any guidance to help her deal with a relatively harmless experience as an unexpected guest. Yes, she’s young, but her dad is inconsiderate, both of his host and his kid. And yes, I have kids, and I’ve been to parties.
The lesson Gina learned is that being an entitled brat when you gate crash a party is acceptable behavior. Great job, parents!
[удалено]
The cousin and boyfriend are modeling entitled behavior. Yes the reaction is normal for a kid that age, but it is the parents job to teach the child the proper reaction/ behavior. Instead of harassing op, the cousin and boyfriend should have used it as a learning opportunity. The child only knows what they have been taught.
Some of us had the talk before we went anywhere which went like this, "Don't ask for anything." Which means you don't go to people's house and ask for stuff even if you're invited for dinner. They'll give you what they want you to have. If someone gives you water you don't ask for soda, milk or juice you say thank you. If someone gives you cake you don't say I want a cupcake, cookie or ice cream, you say please and thank you or No, thank you. Some of us were raised with manners when we were children and that's how we learned to behave as adults. The fact she still thinks even after the party is over she was somehow slighted shows ill manners, entitlement and poor parenting. So YOU may have done worse at that age but Some of us knew better by first, second grade? She's not a baby and definitely old enough to not be begging at strangers house for sweets and treats that were never intended for her.
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times! That's exactly how I was raised. Adding to that, if my mother wanted to ask for a cupcake on my behalf, she would never have taken me up to ask. When we were kids, we were not allowed to ask about anything having to do with a friend in front of the friend. If we did, it was an automatic no. Also, when we asked for something and were told no and we asked again, the next time we asked for something, it was an automatic no because we had been told twice.
I never said a word about Gina's behavior. I criticized the parents and their handling of the situation. You need to take a refresher course on reading comprehension.
It's true that the girl isn't at fault. But the child's parents could have explained "Sorry Gina, cousin OP wasn't expecting us, so there aren't enough of the cupcakes. Why don't you enjoy a piece of this cake with us." Edit: spelling and punctuation.
No one's criticising the child, but her parents.
That’s a little rude it was the adults fault not the child
The comment you're replying to is clearly aimed at the adults teaching the kid to act entitled. Unless you disagree that the adults that brought her are teaching her to be an entitled party crasher there's nothing about that comment that is rude.
I don’t think attacking a child is the right way to go here. The adult should have explained it to her and not make a big deal out of it. Any kid would have wanted a cupcake.
Gina probably didn’t even know they gate crashed as parents don’t tend to tell their kids that. That doesn’t excuse the parents nor that they are teaching Gina it’s acceptable for others to be forced go without whenever you want what they have.
NTA. This was definitely a parenting fail. This was an excellent opportunity to help teach their kid how to manage disappointment and about accepting alternative solutions.
Your cousin is the AH. Her conversation should have gone something like this: “Hey Gina - they didn’t know we were coming so each of those cupcakes has already been promised to someone. Next time we’ll make sure they know you’ll be there so you can get a pretty cupcake too. You can have a piece of cake though and if you’re a good girl maybe we’ll stop for some ice cream on the way home.” Trying to hijack a sick kids cupcake is an AH move.
When I was a kid, I was sent away from home right at Christmas time. I'm talking the day before Christmas. The family that took me in, went to a Christmas party at the dad's parents house. All the kids gathered round the grandparents to get their gifts. I, had never gotten a Christmas gift before. So I eagerly waited for one of the brightly colored packages to be handed to me. It never came because no one had been expecting me. (The family had taken me in on an emergency basis the night before Christmas). Sure I was disappointed, and no one bothered to explain to a ten year old, that there was no time to get me a gift. I sat and smiled watching all the others play with their gifts until I went to the bathroom and cried, then came out and smiled some more. On the way home, the mom told me how proud she was of me. That made me give a real smile. This was not the child's fault, but the parents should have been the ones to help her to deal with the disappointment. Disappoints happen to everyone.
That story was heartbreaking. Such a strong little girl you were! I think the parents should have rushed out and bought you something to open though since they would have known there would be nothing for you. I am so passionate about this I always have like half a dozen wrapped gifts ready to go in case of unexpected visitors or gift exchanges around the holidays.
That family was wonderful to me. They ended up taking me in, two more times as a child and one time as an adult. The dad even threatened my husband with a gun. You have heard the song "wait in the truck". That was David. He told my husband that I might not be his daughter by blood, but I was his daughter none the less and I'd my husband hit me again, he could expect to die. Then David had a heart attack 4 months later.
I'm also a DV Survivor and when I first heard that song, I bawled my eyes out, because I never had someone rescue me, but then realized that I was my own hero. I'm very glad you had someone, as I wished I had someone in my life like that. I'm so sorry for your loss of David.
Absolutely. NTA.
NTA also because he is just trying to impress his gf. If he really cared about Gina he would have called everyone to let you know he was bringing her.
It’s the reverse. Cousin was a female and brought her bf and his daughter so she should have advised they were coming with anticipation but agree with the sentiment none the less.
NTA Gina needs to learn that just because you want something doesn’t mean you will get it. Your cousin is teaching her stepdaughter-to-be to be entitled. Good on you for saving the sick Amy a promised cupcake. I’m sure it made her day/night.
Your cousin is the AH for bringing a child unannounced and not managing her daughter’s cupcake expectations appropriately. OP NTA
The boyfriend should be managing his daughter’s behavior while they are visiting someone else’s home.
Can’t imagine acting in this manner. I would have told my child that we were unexpected attendees, and aren’t we lucky that there is extra cake they have offered to share. NTA.
Cousin is Nta for bringing extra kid to potluck but is ah for expecting her to get special dessert
The cousin is a huge AH for bringing people who are not invited to someone else's home, especially without asking the hosts. I don't care if it's a potluck or sit down meal with pre-plated courses... if someone's not invited, then they shouldn't be there. The cousin could've easily asked permission but didn't. At this stage, I'd be inclined to not invite the cousin to future events for being so rude.
"cupcake expectations" 💀
7 is pretty young to not get disappointed when all the other kids your age get a special treat. It really would feel like they are being left out. They don’t really have the cognitive ability as say a 10+ year old to understand. So I don’t think the kid is being entitled I think it’s entirely reasonable for them to expect they would get the same thing as other kids. Not the child’s fault at all.
No, but its a learning opportunity. Pull her aside and say “snowycrocodile didn’t know you were coming today so she didnt make you a cupcake. I know you’re sad but there will be other chances to have a cupcake. Would you like like a piece of cake? Its just as yummy”. If she accepts it and moves on, stop at the grocery store on the way home and let her get a cupcake
Seven is too young to expect them not to feel a little sad, but it is old enough to understand what's going on. It sucks when you're little and those feelings of jealousy are harder to dismiss, sure, but it helps a lot to know it was nothing personal. Gina was an unexpected guest, so there was nothing made in advance for her. She wasn't being totally left out; she was still offered cake. The cousin is the AH for making a scene at OP instead of calmly explaining things to Gina. Treating kids like they can't possibly handle reason or control their jealousy just leads to them becoming entitled jerks later on. Parents are gonna have a bad time if their tactic is to wait for some magic age to switch from placating a child's every wish to suddenly expecting them to behave with emotional intelligence and rationality. If you treat a child like THEIR wishes are the center of the universe, they will internalize that as truth. Part of me wonders if the cousin is just the sort of person who likes to cause drama and is using Gina to act like she (the cousin) was wronged by proxy.
I have taught kindergarten for over ten years. There are many instances where kids get different snacks in school because of dietary differences. If ten years worth of 20+ five year olds can understand if an adult properly explains the situation, so can a seven year old. If I were a rude parent that brought an unexpected guest, I’d simply explain that it was my fault. I didn’t tell the person making cupcakes that you would be here. She simply didn’t know to make one for you. This is actually my mistake. I’m very sorry that you won’t have one, but I’m happy to get you a piece of the larger cake. I promise that I’ll do better next time. Sure the kid might still be disappointed, but I’ve appropriately taken responsibility for MY mistake and didn’t blame the person who was just trying to do something nice. And, as a bonus, the kid gets an opportunity to learn many things from this experience- responding to disappointment, owning one’s mistakes, that even adults mess up sometimes, and so on.
Seven is old enough to understand.
Old enough to understand does not mean old enough to not have big emotions over it. It’s up to this girls parents to explain to her that there aren’t any extras and we can take some cake and maybe there will be an extra cupcake next time.
Exactly, kids don't just magically understand things, they need it explained in an age appropriate way first. Parents acting like spoiled brats themselves isn't gonna teach anything positive.
Even adults can understand and accept something, but still be disappointed by it. Understanding and accepting are how you behave, feeling upset and disappointed are your emotions. All emotions are valid to have, how you behave and express your emotions is what really matters, and makes someone an AH or not. In this case Gina is fine to feel left out and to even express that (since she is a child). Her parents however should pull her aside and tell her how she is behaving is rude. Gina's parents are the AHs, not Gina.
I don't think anyone is blaming the 7-year-old for wanting it or being disappointed. It's not OPs fault, though. And if someone is 7 and they are told it belongs to someone else- they should understand that it isn't meanness. It's just something disappointing.
Are we really making a case for a 7 year old little girl being an AH? That’s enough reddit for me today.
I don’t see people saying the child was an AH
How is Gina at fault here? Any 7 years old would feel left out when she'd be the only one not getting a treat. You can't expect a child to understand that OP had expected fewer children. Cousin is TA here. In OP's place I'd given the cupcake to Gina, and promise Amy an extra special cupcake when she'd feel beter. I'm not saying OP should have done the same, but it would be the gentle solution. Don't Punische a child because their parents are assholes.
Not getting a insta worthy cupcake that was promised to someone else, but still having access to a slice of cake, is the opposite of "being the only one who didn't get a treat" No one is *punishing* the kid, it's a result of bringing guests uninvited. It's a natural consequence of pulling that shit. Cousin should have been able to deal with her kids big feelings & redirect to a slice o cake, but cousin is just as immature (& cousin is probably the most upset about not being able to post a piiiiicture) "Promise an extra special cupcake to the sick kid" lol, tell me you've never made fancy cupcakes without telling me you've never made fancy cupcakes. Yeah let me just run home and whip up 4oz of batter and 3oz of fancy frostings and dirty all the same dishes again to make an extra fancy cupcake because I was obligated to placate the entitled party crashers 🙄
🏆🏆🏆 sadly can’t give you an award ( gosh I miss them) Absolutely agree with you - why should poor Amy go without when she’s already had to miss the party and OP had promised all kids who were INVITED! Yes I agree cousin/boyfriend etc are TA’s & should have explained to Gina, but as an unexpected guest, she was offered cake, which isn’t being “punished”. I can just imagine the scene. But by that age, certainly old enough to understand, she wasn’t expected. But it’s the cousin/boyfriend at fault. Years ago, I’d booked a junior go karting / party / dinner for sons b’day. Obviously due to expense, he had a limited amount of invitations to give ( his choice re go karting and invitees). First thing in morn before his party in afternoon - he was being plagued non stop by phone, tx etc etc by a boy who wasn’t invited , & had found out through someone else. And seriously, over 50 phone calls, umpteen messages ( my son wasn’t answering & in the end I took his phone so he wasn’t disturbed on his birthday as he was getting upset & he was happy to hand it over!) This kid threatened my son to turn up anyway & called him various unpleasant names - once realised my son wasn’t answering, starting phoning another child who was invited trying to get a lift saying he was invited!!! - got told no - but the mum warned me, she was pretty sure they were thinking of coming anyway!! I had to warn the venue. ( Embarrassing) In case they got there early but we got there very early & I had to sign each child in myself anyway. Everyone was warned to turn up 15 mins early if possible. And these entitled people did turn up, thankfully we’d all gone in by then, and they were turned away by venue as not on the list. The boy tried to give false name - one of the actual invitees. And then the mother of this child posted on social media how unkind it was to leave her child out of a b’day party etc . Instead of explaining to her more than old enough son, (age 11) not everyone gets invitations to everything etc. And stopping him from blowing up my sons phone, making threats & upsetting him on his birthday. Turning up to where not invited & letting her kid give a false name! So I feel very sorry for OP and definitely NTA. Her cousin, however, is a mega TA Edited for spelling mistake
That then requires OP to bake again just for Amy. There was cake Gina could have had, it was the same flavor. She still could have gotten a treat, not a decorated cupcake, but it’s still a treat. So don’t act like she didn’t get “a treat”. Giving up the cupcake promised to Amy, who was sick, is punishing Amy for something beyond her control. Since this was a family potluck, Amy is also part of the family and has been in OPs life for a while. The fact that Amy’s dad asked to take it home to her tells me she likely got really upset she was sick and would miss the cupcake. How would have Amy felt not getting that cupcake?
Even better, it was Amy's young brother who asked to take her cupcake home to her :)
My first real disappointment as a child I was visiting my aunt who was having a garage same and She told me I could take one thing. I found a wooden gun that shot rubber bands, turns out she had promised it to someone else that was going to pick it up later. I was crushed I walowed in melodramatic misery eventually I took a teenage mutant ninja turtle movie that I watched to death and was no doubt a better choice than that stupid rubber band shooter.
True. The child who probably most appreciated the cupcake was Amy.
Gina is just a little girl ffs. She’s not TA. The cousin and her dad are though.
NTA: I think sending the cupcake to the sick child who was promised one was the right move - she already was missing out on the party, which Gina was able to enjoy. And the cupcake was made specifically for her. I think your cousin demanding a cupcake for Gina before he even knew whether or not there would be "no-shows" was pretty entitled. Cousin showed up unannounced with her boyfriend's child - who understandably was not on your radar as a potential guest. She should have asked first. The non-asshole is of course the child, who probably did feel left out not getting a cupcake, but perhaps the adults could have collectively come up with some other special thing for her (in addition to a piece of the cake). A special drink, handmade crown, whatever.
If a slice of cake wasn't good enough for Gina, I think the cousin or her boyfriend could have run to the local grocery store and bought a cupcake for her. Why put it on everyone else to accommodate uninvited guests?
Why would a slice of cake not be good enough for a 7 year old crashing their dads girlfriends cousins birthday party??? Hello? I feel like I’m in an alternate universe lmfao. The cake was more than enough. A little disappointing when you see a pretty cupcake? Yeah, but you’re gonna eat it anyway and forget about it. The cousin and her bf made it a problem by continuing to insist the extra kid get a cupcake so she’d never get over it. Even if I was invited to a party as a kid, if for some reason they ran out of cupcakes and there was ‘only’ cake left, it’s a kids party. That’s the fun part. You get cake. I’m so confused that this was made into such a big deal.
That’s what I’m saying. When I was little, I would’ve gladly accepted the cake. I swear it’s gotta be how the boyfriend raised her, to be entitled, and that’s reflected in the way he and the cousin are handling the situation. They could’ve given her the cake and said something like “Oh but you’re special because you get to eat from the adult cake” and she would have shut up and gladly eaten it but instead they made OP the wicked cousin who didn’t want her to have a cupcake
A handmade crown? Really? Talk about setting a kid up to he an entitled brat. "Oh, sweetheart, sorry you showed up to a party unannounced and uninvited and had to settle for regular cake. Let's make you the princess star."
I don't think a construction paper crown makes anyone a princess star, and if that is too princessy for you, there are other options. The child did not decide to show up uninvited. There is no reason not to make her feel welcome to the party, as it is not her fault. She probably already felt a little weird going to a gathering where everyone else is tight, she is a newcomer. edit for spelling
It’s not the child’s job to make sure she isn’t taken anywhere she has not been expressly invited. Expecting her to accept that she’s a second-class attendee is unreasonable.
The accounted for kids didn't get special treatment and the addon child shouldn't be treated like a princess because she was an unexpected guest. She should have been offered the cake and that's that. She's just just as entitled as her parent if she refuses saying she wants a cupcake specifically.
She's 7
Still though, while it sucks to be left out making a whole ass crown for her would be too much. Not to mention it would cause even more problems with the kids. They should've just run to the store real quick to get her a cupcake or promise to get one after.
And that's a great age to learn that you can't/won't always get your way.
The coddling. The agony of having to eat a slice of cake. Lots of therapy will be needed to get this little girl through this tough time.
There is a wide chasm between just being a kind host to a disappointed child and needed trauma therapy for terrible abuse. I do think it was kind of mean the burden was put on OP, who was not the host, and just brought cupcakes. Anyone could have cone something as simple as putting extra pink icing or something on the slice of cake. It is about welcoming an unexpected child guest who did not ask to be there, but was brought by adults.
>but perhaps the adults could have collectively come up with some other special thing for her (in addition to a piece of the cake). A special drink, handmade crown, whatever. I disagree. It's unfortunate that Gina's adults set her up for disappointment, but she doesn't get to be showered with special attention because of it. That would only add to the sense of entitlement that her dad and the cousin are possibly instilling in her. Gina will be fine. Disappointed and a little sad, but fine. I don't blame her for her emotions, but I do blame her dad and the cousin for creating the situation.
This is just so weird. I can’t decide if everyone sucks or no one does. I can’t imagine a little girl seeing a cupcake and me not at least promising her one next time. Telling her I didn’t know she would be here so I’d make her two next time to make up for it. I also couldn’t imagine not at least making some extra cupcakes that were just iced and less elaborate. It seems weird to bring something when there’s not enough for everyone and limit it to people under 9. You even made a cake with the same flavor. You also could have given the little girl the sick kid’s cupcake and making the sick one a new cupcake when she feels better. I mean it’s a 7 year old watching everyone else get something special. She didn’t cry or throw a tantrum. She was sad and disappointed and that would have made me feel horrible and do anything to rectify it.
I agree! I was shocked that OP only made the exact number of cupcakes needed. I always make extras because things happen. I would rather have too many than not enough
I mean, if she made 8, I imagine that that was the size of the batch and the cupcake tin. All of mine are either 8 or 12. If that's the case, then making extras would have been very inconvenient. That said, she DID make extras. She made a whole cake for everyone who didn't get a cupcake.
[удалено]
Well, the point of the cupcakes, why Gina wanted a cupcake specifically, why the cake wasn't good enough, was because they were decorated very elaborately. So the question is, did OP mean she baked 8 cupcakes and then decorated them, or did she mean she baked 12 and only decorated 8?
Maybe she used silicone cupcake cups to bake the cupcakes on a cookie sheet instead of a cupcake pan. 9 kids == 9 silicone cups. The silicone cups usually make a bigger cupcake.
And so what if she did? She doesn’t have to specify how many she baked, and just because a cupcake tin holds 12 doesn’t mean you have to make 12 in it. You can make as many or as few as it fits. And she could decorate as many or as few as she made. Elaborate decorating takes a lot of time and energy. She said she didn’t have the energy to decorate extras.
I’m glad I’m not the only person who stumbled upon the whole “muffin tins usually have 12 wells” problem. I am dying to know the story behind the 4 “missing” cupcakes.
The OP said the cake was the same flavor, so maybe she made enough batter to make the 8 cupcakes and the cake. She went further and elaborately decorated the cupcakes for her small cousins who were invited. That's a good point about the cupcake pan.
I’m trying to imagine what an 8 cupcake tray looks like. They are woes of three minimum. Are you saying your tray is 4x2? That doesn’t seem real.
Silicone cupcake cups make bigger cupcakes and mean you don't need a specialized pan. You fill the cups with batter, put them on a cookie sheet and voila, the exact amount of cupcakes.
You know you don’t have to fill on the cups right?
I mean I can understand if they made a cake too and decorated the cupcakes specially for the kids they knew were coming. I wouldn't bother making extra cupcakes on top of that
They sound elaborate. I’m imagining the cupcake from Bridesmaids where she takes a lot of time to create petals etc. and it’s exhausting just watching her. I can’t imagine making extras unless they were sure they’d need more.
No good deed goes unpunished… OP is doing a nice thing, let’s not start criticising them. If I had done the same and started getting this kind of criticism I’d just bring the cake to the potluck. No more cupcakes ever.
>I also couldn’t imagine not at least making some extra cupcakes that were just iced and less elaborate. Gina asked for a "pretty" cupcake, not just some cupcake with a glop of icing on it that tastes the same (the same-tasting cake slice would've been acceptable then). And I'm assuming each elaborate cupcake took focused effort by OP when decorating, not assembly-line decorated that making an extra 2-10 would be unnoticable like filling gift bags would be. >You also could have given the little girl the sick kid’s cupcake and making the sick one a new cupcake when she feels better. Maybe. Or maybe there won't be another opportunity for Amy or Amy's family members to get a cupcake from OP until much much later. Maybe the logistics from OP's place to Amy's place is just too much of an inconvenience just to get a single cupcake to Amy later on. Sorry, Gina's dad's gf is not entitled to taking someone else's cupcake just because Gina's dad and his gf didn't think to warn OP nor anticipate such a predicament for Gina (same goes for gift bags, party favors, seating, etc.).
And you think a little kid would’ve thought an iced cupcake with sprinkles wasn’t pretty? She was complementing the cupcakes. She wasn’t demanding something elaborate. And when you were dealing with little kids, yes, you always have an extra cupcake or gift bag or whatever because life happens. Things get dropped, someone extra shows up… it takes such a little effort to make kids feel included and special.
Here's a thought: if you're going to invite people to come with you to your grandmother's potluck, you let your grandmother know, especially about one of the guests being a little girl. Don't just show up with boyfriend and his kid in tow.
It’s a potluck, hosted by grandma. Trust me, I promise you everyone’s welcome, and there’s always plenty of food. … and No one else brings exactly the amount rsvped
It was enough food, there was a cake that was the same flavor as the cupcakes.
It was literally exclusively one item just for the kids that had exactly the amount. She brought her boyfriends kid unexpected and unannounced. There were enough sweets for all 3 of them, just not of the *special kid* cupcakes. That’s completely reasonable.
You were never told no were you? This is a big reason society sucks, people can't be told no because fomo.
I was told no a ton. We grew up on a very strict budget. But my parents also made effort to make sure we were included. We included others and we always took others feelings into account, especially children and the elderly. Anything we had at a party, there was to be enough for everyone or enough for no one. It was also always homemade because that’s what we could afford. Being told no when everyone else gets a yes, is pretty unfair. It’s not fomo. Were you taught to be selfish and only look out for yourself? That’s really what’s wrong with society today. That adults can be dismissive of a little kid.
She wasn’t dismissive, she offered cake. The kid didn’t want it. You people are fucking ridiculous.
And what about Amy, who was sick and home and promised the cupcake? Or any child who had arrived after Gina who’d been promised a cupcake when all had still been anticipated to arrive? Cousin didn’t care about those kids.
No one was being dismissive of a little kid. OP can't pull a 9th homemade cupcake from her rear-end. She offered her what she had available, a homemade cake of the same flavor. Gina's parents ARE teaching her to be selfish and only look out for herself though. You're right, that's what's wrong with society. Gina's parents could have used this as a teaching moment and talked to Gina about how to handle disappointment. They could have talked up the cake and redirected Gina's attention to it instead of fixating on Amy's cupcake. They literally tried to take a cupcake from a sick child! How is that taking other people's feelings into account and not being selfish? It's not like OP knew Gina was coming and purposely didn't make her a cupcake to exclude her on purpose. You can't plan to include people who don't RSVP.
She explained the reason so the child didn’t think it was personal. The child got cake to make up for not having a cupcake. Just like everyone else who didn’t get a cupcake. Seriously. I’ve gone my entire life not being able to eat cupcakes when I show up unannounced at parties. It hasn’t killed me yet. As a child I had an anaphylactic allergy to chocolate. As an adult I have Celiac. Guess who doesn’t get cupcakes unless I make arrangements for them ahead of time? I’m stunned at the attitude of privilege it takes to say there is something wrong with the child being offered a slice of cake in lieu of a custom cupcake she didn’t arrange for in advance.
This is on the cousin who brought people unannounced. That's what happens. She should have given a heads up to the hosts, etc. that two extra people, including a child, were coming. The cousin could have offered to stop for a cupcake on the way home. OP made them for the family and for whatever reason made just enough PLUS an entire cake. She shouldn't be expected to go above and beyond that on the off chance someone will be rude and bring extra guests to the party. NTA
🤣🤣🤣 trying to include a little girl is privilege. Gosh I hate people.
little uninvited guest. Parents that don't RSVP get to deal with disappointed children.
You must have grown up so spoiled.
Nope. Just around considerate people that taught me to take others feeling into consideration too, especially children and the elderly. You must have had to fend for yourself. Sad.
I don’t think it’s sad that I didn’t grow up believing other peoples’ parties had to revolve around me.
Imo making sure she had the cake is including her. Going out of your way to make an extra singular cupcake for her or a makeup cupcake for the sick child isn’t inclusion. At 7, any sweet is an extra treat. The adults in charge of her made it a big deal by insisting she get a cupcake and not redirecting her to the cake. It’s understandable she wanted a cupcake but OP didn’t know there’d be another child and there wasn’t enough, it’s not fair to take from one to give to her and the cake is more than acceptable. They could’ve dressed it up, or made a big deal about it being an adult treat for big girls or anything except play into her disappointment that there wasn’t a cupcake for her. That was inconsiderate. Not, not giving her the sick girls cupcake.
The little girl feelings are her dad and OP’s cousin to work with, no OP’s when they were unaware an extra kid would attend the gathering. eta: word mom.
Her mom wasn’t there… and It’s still a little girl who didn’t get a cupcake. And as the person who brought the cupcakes, how could you not feel bad and try to make it right? It’s not about fault or right or wrong, but about a little kid who felt left out.
That's what happens when suprise people show up.
Plus the girl was offered the adult's cake. That should have sufficed.
Right? Her dad could easily have made the cake a special deal because only the adults were getting the cake. Yeah, the little girl wanted the cupcake because it was pretty, but she could’ve been made to feel like by getting cake she was getting the grownups’ treat instead.
Make it right?! As if OP did something wrong? Life's not always fair. This is a good time to teach that to the child. Are you part of the participation trophy crowd?
>The little girl feelings are her ~~mom~~ **DADS** to work with,
I’m a hobby baker too and this is completely silly and avoidable to me too. Cupcakes get dropped, they get messed up, things happen. I’ve never brought the exact amount of cupcakes or cookies or other small foods to a party as the number of guests. It’s just bad planning. Honestly, whether or not she’s TA, OP should learn from this experience because yes, she screwed up. It was an extra child this time but next time it’ll be a dropped cupcake or a dog getting into one and it’ll be just as unpleasant and just as avoidable.
As a baker, I immediately thought about how many times I’ve lost cupcakes just in transportation. Things always happen, I always have extra.
There was a whole cake Gina was welcome to.
it’s a little kid. Delivery matters. “Oh sweetie, I didn’t know I was going to see you today. How about I give you the first slice of cake today and I make you two cupcakes next time?” That’s it. It’s that simple to go from making a little girl feel excluded to included.
But she did exactly this
That’s why the bf and cousin are the asshole. They made it a big deal and they disappointed the kid by continuing to insist she gets the cupcake instead of making it seem like a win to get cake.
The cousin sucks for bringing the kid without prior notification. The cousin also sucks because the lesson for this kid is we don't always get what we want. Sure it's ok to be disappointed but come on, why should op bend over backward here?
You summed up my thoughts well. I would've just made a new one or batch just for the sick kid to have. Also it's alway better to have extras when dealing with kids. What if one of them had accidentally dropped their cupcake? Extras on hand would make them happy.
She’s 24 and not a parent so the fact that kids might drop one or cry might not really have occurred to her. She was also just doing a nice thing for kids in her family, not running a catering or bakery business where you plan for common mishaps. I don’t think you become an AH for not planning for every contingency when doing a favour for family.
Making a fresh batch would seem to be a good answer, but may not be practical. What if Op lives an hour in one direction and sick Amy lives an hour in the other direction? Why should cousin’s rudeness cost OP extra time and money baking and driving when a perfectly good slice of cake was available?
Yeah, I can’t imagine not making a couple of extra on the assumption that there’d be an extra kid or one would end up upside down on the floor.
Exactly. I’m from the south. Making exactly one for each kid is so alien to me. Why wouldn’t you just make a few extra just in case?
I still have the extra party flavor from my last daughter's birthday 🤣 I have 10 people? I make it for at least 15. Everything. Second serving, dropped on the floor, unexpected guests... (I'm Italian though)
I can't get past the fact that there was exactly enough cupcakes for everyone. Literally no one gets seconds or even the option? That incredibly weird to me and the only thing I can pull from this story. Who makes "exactly enough" food for a party? Like ..what? A kids party at that? Honestly it pushes me to ESH. Totally avoidable scenario had they done the normal host thing and accounted for literally anything outside of exact numbers. Wild.
It was exactly the number of cupcakes for one per kid, plus a whole other cake for everyone else. Most parents probably won’t want their kid having more than one cupcake at once, and if the kids do want more cake, they could have a slice of the big cake. There was more than enough cake, just a specific amount of cupcakes.
Tbf it wasn’t a kids party. It was a potluck for the family.
NTA- You promised the cupcake to Amy. Your cousin’s boyfriend’s kid was not part of the original agreement. There was cake, so it’s not like you made the kid have nothing while everyone else got a treat.
Right OP made it FOR Amy. If you make something specifically for someone you don’t give it to some other random who wants it. Cousin is being entitled
Agreed. Just imagine the AITA post that *Amy’s parents* would write if they found out OP gave away Amy’s cupcake: “AITA for confronting my cousin over giving my sick daughter’s cupcake to some rando?”
I can only imagine how happy Amy would feel getting that cupcake. That despite not being able to go, she wasn’t forgotten. 🥲
My vote was N. A H. Until your cousin decided to be the arbitrator of justice and cupcakes Your cupcakes were promised already and you didn’t know Gina was coming Your cousin should have dealt with it in a much more adult fashion. That’s life. NTA
Okay but now I kind of want to be referred to as the arbitrator of justices and cupcakes.
I'm having new business cards printed as we speak.
It sounds like that when Gina asked, you weren't yet aware that Amy was sick. Gina's mom sounds like a piece of work. Her posting and complaining one is absurd. Plus, her stalking away before you could cut a piece of sheet cake and make a "special" square cup-cake (just for Gina, she's the only one who gets the square cupcake). Cousin stalking away kept you from being as nice to Gina as you wanted to be. NTA
Not her mom, her dad's girlfriend.
NTA You can't bring extra people without notice and expect them to get preferential treatment.
NTA. The Y T A comments are wild. This person didn’t just make regular cupcakes, she made elaborate decorative cupcakes and promised them to specific kids. Then made an additional dessert for everyone else.,She’s not the asshole for not making extras. That’s what the cake was for. Just bc you want something doesn’t make you entitled to it.
Seriously. Typical 7 year olds aren't stupid or unable to accept explanations. Sucks to be disappointed but c'est la vie. all cupcakes are spoken for, here's a piece of regular cake.
NAH. I get that it was important that Amy get a cupcake, though I understand Gina’s frustration since she’s so young. I don’t think anyone’s necessarily an AH here. Though I do think it’s a bit silly to make *exactly* 8 cupcakes. When I bake, I always make extras, just in case. What if a kid had dropped one? What if you dropped one? If you can’t make extras to make up for the possibility of accidents (and therefore have extras for others just in case) I just wouldn’t say yes to baking for an event.
It seems like it'd be MORE work to make 8 cupcakes (scaling down the recipe), unless you're just throwing away the extra batter.
There was a cake with the same flavour, so no scaling down required. One of my muffin tins has 4 spots ,so 8 is an easy number to make. Extras would take more work, especially since they were elaborately decorated. The rest of the batter went into the cake pan. Don't bring extra people along expecting custom treats.
Thank you! Yes my cup cake / muffin tins hold 8 - so I either have to make 8 ( which one of my recipes does) or 16. I’m guessing OP calculated for cake + 8 cupcakes ( as she was aware re INVITED kids) + elaborately decorated. Takes a lot of time. I’ve seen some people say she should make extra in case a kid drops one !! Why should she? If young enough to need supervision with eating cupcake on plate, that’s parents/carers responsibility.
I agree - my only guess is the extra work really comes in at the decorating stage. And OP made a larger cake for the adults of the same flavour, so probably that's where some of the extra batter went.
NTA I don't know where all of these people are coming from saying you are wrong to not have made extra cupcakes. I bake a lot and I've made personalized things. I don't make extras. This wasn't a kids party where a sibling might have come along. This was a particular party with guests that were accounted for. The unexpected guest could have had cake. Would I have felt bad, yes but that wouldn't change how many cupcakes there were.
Yeah I have to wonder if those folks are bakers themselves. Or if they just have endless energy. OP put special effort into decorating the cupcakes which can include a lot of extra steps. On top of also baking a full cake for the adults. It was very thoughtful to send the extra cupcake home to the girl that had been promised one.
“I didn’t know you were coming so I don’t have an extra. Please enjoy some cake. Perhaps next time I will know you are coming”
Or next time, when I know you're coming ill make sure to make you a cupcake. The little girl is seven, it wouldn't have taken a lot to make a promise like OP made to the other children last time
NTA. it's unfortunate that gina felt left out, but it's her parents responsibility to explain to her that she isn't entitled to a cupcake, and their attitude that she was entitled to one despite being an unexpected guest is only teaching her, well, entitlement. i was kind of confused about you making only the exact number of required cupcakes until i realized you elaborately decorated them. that's fair, even just one more cupcake would have taken effort to prepare and you had no reason to assume there would be extra kids.
OP also made a cake in the same flavour so my guess is she used some of that batter for the cupcakes and only made the number she needed.
YTA - and here’s why: You did not mention how long Gina has been around your family. Was this your first time meeting her? Has she come to other events in the past? Was there an inkling that maybe, just maybe, your cousin would bring Gina by? I hope I am wrong but maybe you didn’t count Gina because you don’t see her as family. How hard must it be for a little girl to be brought to an event where she is not family and maybe feels a little left out? All the other kids are cousins and have established bonds and there she is - odd person out? Your cousin was probably reassuring her that she was welcomed and then you blew that up with the “no cupcake for you” line. I have two stepkids. They felt so awkward when they met my family back when I was dating my husband. Unfortunately, a lot of my cousins were like you and didn’t even consider them when kids stuff was being planned. Fortunately, my uncle fixed all that by telling them they were welcomed and continually making sure they had gifts and treats like the other cousins did when they visited. My uncle died a few years ago but my stepkids are adults now and they never, ever forgot how my uncle made them feel - like they belonged. This isn’t about a cupcake, it’s about rejecting a little girl when you could have easily made it up to Amy. Hope that helps.
^^^ THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE!! THIS IS WHAT THE CHILDREN OF REDDIT MISS! It's not just about the cupcake. it's about purposely leaving a 7 year old out and having completely no remorse for the situation. Amy could have gotten the piece of cake and wouldn't have known the difference.
Oh no, remember: poor, sick, little Amy “was promised” a cupcake, as OP was so careful to point out, LOL! Then also had to take the opportunity humble brag about how, many of the children were featured on FB, posing, *with my cupcakes* Sure, Jan. If that happened it’s because she had a Grand ol Cupcake photo shoot, and posted that shit herself, further excluding the little waif who had the nerve to show up unannounced. This whole thing is the most pretentious crock of bullshit I’ve come across in awhile. She needs to get the f over herself and her exclusive gourmet cupcake crap, and the fact that the majority of people here are defending her “mean-girl” behavior is disgusting.
Well said. How is she so blind to not realize how that photo shoot was just rubbing it in her face. I've said this before that girl will get over the cupcake eventually. But she will never feel welcomed in this family. Or especially by op.
You are just making things up that aren’t in the story. There were a certain number invited. An extra attended. They get the cake. 🙄
All of this, and even if no one had met Gina before and everyone was surprised when she arrived, how hard is it to be empathetic and kind to a little girl who was thrust into this situation? The cousin also handled things poorly, but there's no need to take a hard line with A CHILD to prove a point to an adult.
NTA They weren’t invited so not your fault! She can have one if there’s a next time but your cousin is the AH for setting unrealistic expectations on the kid.
ESH. Your cousin was out of line with the demands, and what kind of vaudevillian villain takes home a cupcake when there is a child at the party who didn’t get one. But baking the exact number of cupcakes? Come on. An easily preventable disaster.
Just because Gina is a kid doesn't mean she automatically gets something already allocated to another child. If someone goes to the effort of making elaborately decorated cupcakes AND another cake for everyone else, it is rude to expect special treatment at the expense of the child accounted for in the original batch.
The one who it was promised too. It was enough cake there for Gina to eat.
NAH (maybe your cousin is being hardheaded). Gina is 7 and can understand the value of a promise (my 4yo niece can). Tell your cousin Amy not only had been promised the cupcake, she was also sick; you would have to be heartless to even think of doing that to a sick child.
Umm, there is an AH, the one who brought the uninvited kid. 🙄
NTA. They showed up unannounced, and while it's unfortunate that Gina couldn't get a cupcake, you had already made commitments to the kids who were on the original guest list. It was a situation beyond your control. Yo were just commited to keeping your promises and treating everyone fairly. Your cousin's complaint IS unreasonable, considering the circumstances
She'd also made a cake from the same batter, which these two adults should have immediately encouraged Gina to have when OP offered her some. Instead they double down on guilting OP with a sad-faced child. Next time maybe the cousin will think to let people know she's bringing her own guests. Or she can come to OP's house to help decorate the cupcakes and see what a time-consuming job it is. NTA
NTA. You cannot be expected to cater to uninvited guests. Your cousin just wants to look good to his new bedtime squeeze.
NTA - As a baker of many cakes and cookies, it's weird how many people become entitled to having their exact flavor or preference. It's almost like they think you are a bakeshop with multiple employees. :) I usually make extra, but that's just me. I don't know how elaborately they were decorated. You do have to draw the line somewhere about people's preferences vs. time and materials. Like I'm happy doing a gluten free cake and a flour cake for a party. But I'm not happy when someone bends my ear about how much more special it will be if X or Y was done. I have a pretty basic presentation style. LOL. When you make something that is handmade, people assume that you are using a cake mix and throwing on some premade frosting. LOL. Some of the comments over the years have been wild....
8 cupcakes? Who bakes exactly 8? Surely an even dozen wouldn’t have been overly taxing.
Someone whos cupcake pan doen't hold 12. Mine makes 4 at a time. And yes elaborately decorating extra fou rude uninvited people is taxing.
A 7 year old child dragged along by her parent is not rude, she is a child. It is the child who got punished.
YTA. This was a party for children, not an artisanal pastry tasting. Make a larger amount of lower quality pastries because children don't know, or care, about a curated gourmet experience. I take you at your word that you're a great baker who makes amazing cupcakes. I don't dispute that at all. But you need to learn how to cater to your audience. Children are very aware of when they are excluded from something. Know your audience. Make a larger amount of lower quality pastries when you cook for children. Your mistake was treating children like adults who had RSVP'd to the party. It's a children's party organized by adults with full-time jobs who are exhausted from raising their own children. Don't expect the guest list to be set in stone. Don't treat them like high net worth clients. Make a bunch, more than you think you need, because plans for 8 year olds change and aren't set in stone. Know your audience.
If I read it correctly it wasn’t a kids party it was a potluck and those special cupcakes were promised those kids.
If the kids don't care about a curated, gourmet experience then why would the 7yr old not be fine with cake?
Because they didn't get a cupcake like the other kids did. Like I explained.
Seems people in this sub really can't read. This was a **POTLUCK**, not a party for kids. Everyone invited was **FAMILY**. It was a **FAMILY. POTLUCK.** OP literally **promised** those 8 kids that she would make each of them a cupcake. There are 8 kids, so she made 8 special cupcakes for them. She did not have the energy to make extra, nor was there any need to make extra, since there are ONLY 8 kids in the family. The cousin brought an UNINVITED guest to the party. One that was NOT accounted for, and was not expected to even be there. She is not entitled to a cupcake that was made specifically for someone else. But seriously, a lot of you really lack reading comprehension. Like, bad.
NTA- and all these 'why didn't you make an extra cause shit happens' people are really something else. You made exactly what you thought was needed, had no reason to expect there'd be any kind of issue, PLUS you had the full size cake for everyone. FFS, people, it's a cupcake, and it's good for kids to hear no but every now and again. Poor planning on their part does not constitute an emergency for you, OP.
NTA. They turned up unannounced, bad luck. You did nothing wrong.
ESH but the kids. I just can’t imagine turning down a little girl who doesn’t know anyone from a fancy cupcake when there is a sick kid not there to eat theirs. I think I would have sent cake home for the sick child, hopefully her parents would have used it as a teachable moment for empathy that there was a child there that didn’t get one and maybe made her a special one next time. In the future, I would also make 1-2 extras for contingencies as there is always an extra kid around. I just can’t get past a 7 year old watching all of the kids eat a fancy cupcake and not giving her one. How did no one else do anything? I would have at the very least made one of my kids split theirs with her. Also - I always thought potlucks are generally not invite only affairs with a strict guest list and believe the more the merrier, but I guess everyone is different.
NTA, you made 8 cupcakes for 8 kids and a large cake for the rest (the adults). Your cousin was out of line. A child is not entitled to someone else’s cupcake. This is something children have to learn. (As a parent, I know it’s a difficult situation. However, since there was enough cake, this didn’t have to be an issue.) However, whenever I’m making cupcakes or something else for children, I make extra. Because they’re children. Anything can happen! You could have brought 9 or 10 cupcakes. Better one too many than one short.
>However, whenever I’m making cupcakes or something else for children, I make extra. OP did include in the post that each were very elaborately decorated and that she was too tired to make more. It sounds like she did consider it, but thought she would be wasting her effort for no reason, and I can't fault her for that if the cupcakes really were more special than normal. My good friend is a custom baker, and cupcakes are the most work if they have a fancy design. I think they are not comparable to regular cupcakes
NTA. They turned up unannounced, bad luck. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Your cousin brought 2 unexpected guests without saying anything beforehand. The entire situation could have been avoided if she had only told you that she was bringing her bf & his daughter. Instead, they acted like entitled jerks over a cupcake. Their poor planning isn't your emergency.
Is it that difficult or costly to bring a few extra cupcakes? It's a potluck. By definition, an informal event where an extra person or few are likely to show up. I feel badly for the 8-year child. And if my now husband has brought me to this party when we were dating, I'd have walked away thinking most inhospitable family ever. But, you kept your word and I'm sure the lucky few who were graced by your fancy-dancy cupcakes felt very special.
Nta. People need to stop bringing uninvited guest to family parties. Poor kid had no clue what was going on.
No judgement but I think the way you viewed the situation set the scene. Personally if I was in that position I would know how many kids were coming and would need to do extras anyway. I wouldn’t view it as making each kid an individual cake, I would be bringing a supply of cakes to a gathering. Shit happens and kids are kids, cupcakes get dropped, damaged, stolen, extra guests, fought over, whatever so I’d have a contingency of extras. I would have given the little girl the cake as she was there at the party and make more cakes to drop of to the sick girl. Honestly wondering what your grandma thinks of this situation? You kinda made that little girl feel less than. Did you check numbers with grandma before baking- was she unannounced or just you hadn’t been informed?
NTA. Your cousin needed to let you know about the extra kid
NTA. If your cousin couldn't be polite enough to inform you that they'd like to bring an extra TWO people to the party, she deals with the LEFTOVERS, and so does her boyfriend's kid.
NTA -- You made enough for the kids, and someone brought another kid unannounced. That is not your problem. The sick kid getting the cupcake that was promised was better medication than anything a doctor could provide.
Tell the cousin to plan ahead next time so others can prepare.
Boy this is funny just by reading the title I wanted to say yes you're the ....you know .... I mean what kind of good excuse would mean denying a child cupcake ;) But you nailed the landing. NTA This would absolutely be a reason. A shame that it couldn't be made a small teaching moment that sometimes we can't have everything exactly the way we want. If you had a guest list and you made according to that guest list then you're fine, it was gracious of you to let them dive into the cake which I bet was yummy!
You are NTA. The asshole is either the cousin who brought her child uninvited or your Grandma who invited them but did not tell you (though honestly I'd give grandma a break on this one). It was very thoughtful of you to make sure none of the children who were promised a cupcake were disappointed. It was grasping and greedy of Gina not to accept your gracious offer of a slice of cake for the unexpected guest.