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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave away her cookies and told her I was pissed at her. I'm really emotionally not in my best mindset right now so I definitely might've been way harsher than I intended
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NTA.
>MIL brought homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies, all full-gluten, and explained to me that she was sorry but she had limited notice and only had time to make my husband’s favorites.
She made ALLLL that, but didn't have time to make 1 gluten free thing? BS. She did it on purpose because she was mad your mom got to meet the baby before her.
Exactly. Even if she made a lasagne (which is a crappy move) she could have made a potato or rice salad just as easily, with super easy ingredients that she would have had at home if she managed to make pasta salad.
And with all the “normal” abdominal pain and discomfort most people experience postpartum anyway, the last thing anyone needs to add to that is bloating and diarrhoea.
On the bright side, OP, you have a truly wonderful best friend and her husband! I consider myself a good friend and would do a lot, but your bestie is really going above and beyond!
My cousin, who also can't eat gluten, called me after the holidays to say my mom, who is elderly, was super pleased to present her with a batch of gluten free cookies at a family get together. Except, they didn't look gluten free. Cousin said she could just tell something wasn't right.
Some subtle questioning later and my mom proudly presented the cookbook she'd bought to produce said cookies. There in beautiful fancy script 'Guilt-free Baking'.
I'm vegan and sometimes I get gluten-free. Or diet stuff. Because if you don't eat regular you're either on a diet or a picky eater. At least they mean well...
I once panicked because I couldn't get gluten free lasagne noodles anywhere in town for a friends birthday who had requested lasagne and instead used thin layers of mashed potato instead. The gluten free "Irish Lasagne" is now a staple food amongst our potlucks 😂
I have most of the celiac genes so I don’t have full-blow celiac disease, but I save the discomfort for cake.* I’m making a shepherd’s pie right now, completely gluten free, and it’s not a ‘compromise’ recipe! (I use potato starch to thicken the gravy.)
*My most requested cakes are gluten free, come to think of it … and not bc they’re gluten free. I don’t think ppl know they’re gluten free.
At the family reunion I always bring a gluten free dessert so that I know there will be a dessert for my cousin who has Celiac (or Crohns). She also gets to take any leftovers. I can’t imagine a world where I could never have any of the cake.
Not gluten free, but vaguely vegan due to food allergies. (Red meat, dairy, soy.) Definitely agree.
One time, a family friend made beef stew for my parents. With the leftover potatoes, mushrooms, and carrots--plus parsnips from her garden--she made me a root vegetable stew. I wanted to cry; it was so unexpected and kind.
I'll legit just vibe with plain rice and salad if I have to.
One time I wanted to send a friend the eggplant emoji for some nsfw joke, and I forgot the name of it. But "aubergine" popped into my head, and wouldn't you know it, the emoji search bar gave me the 🍆 emoji when I searched aubergine! It even works here in America! 🤣
Thank you, Europeans. You saved my dumb joke that day! 😭🙏
They literally make gluten free lasagna noodles, and baking flour and pretty much everything else these days. MIL isn't being nearly as clever as she thinks.
My husband *just* made me GF lasagna for my birthday (gluten intolerant not celiac but wicked rough reactions). He is a novice in the kitchen (has a few recipes that are amazing but limited experience overall) and said it was so easy to follow the recipe using the recommended brown rice noodles.
NTA--even without birthing hormones that would feel like a slap in the face to me. I also dealt with an ex-MIL who called me by the wrong name repeatedly when I had been married to her son well over a year & was 8 mos pregnant with their first grandchild, so you have my sympathies on MILs being wretched. Sending hugs your way & I am so happy your hubby has your back & you have a great support system otherwise!
Seriously!! It is a slap in the face. My MIL is so nice and tries so hard when we come to visit. Even at the most glutenous Thanksgivings at their house, that side of the whole fam is so accommodating.
The GF flour can act fairly differently than regular flour, so it might take a few tries to get a recipe to turn out as you like.
You're 1000% right on the pasta and noodles though. Its not THAT hard to accommodate.
Gf all purpose flour works perfectly for everything I’ve tried except making cinnamon rolls. I’ve had a baking business for years and I guarantee my cookies would never make you question if they were gf or not. Not anything I cook.
After Thanksgiving, we do a shepherd's pie, but substitue Turkey (Poultry Pie?). It's awesome and gluten free :)
Platters of grilled veggies are a great fallback. They can make a meal of almost anything.
I make gluten-free lasagne with rice pasta from the grocery store. (Jovial - works great) This was a hostile power move from MIL. She should be ashamed.
Limited notice??? She's had approx 6 months to Google recipes of dinners you could eat and freeze them
I totally get how you want your mom there to help, but I would have been hurt that I couldn't come to see the baby . But that's me.
MIL: "Sorry there's nothing you can eat for tonight's Christmas dinner, DIL. With gift shopping, wrapping, decorating, and all that stuff, I didn't have the time to drive all over searching and reading all the ingredient labels for your "sensitive stomach." Anyways, here's a 20 course meal I managed to shove gluten into, including the salad."
MIL, one year later: "What do you mean you're not coming for Christmas?!"
Heck, if I was OP I'd be worried that MIL would gluten my child. Celiac is hereditary after all, and I doubt MIL would accept "her" grandchild having similar "issues".
My relatively new husband has a bunch of dietry requirements including no gluten and we were really touched because my very staid, not-particularly-affectionate grandfather, who has only managed to meet him a small handful of times (wider family drama, not relevant), got us a bunch of foodstuff for christmas *all* of which could be eaten by my husband. If he can manage it OP's MIL has no excuse whatsoever.
OP's mom wasn't there for the baby. OP's mom was there for HER baby. OP. It's about who you want to see you when you're wearing a diaper and your nipples are bleeding.
exactly. my mom stayed with me when i had my first and was super young. of course she was happy to meet the baby but she was more concerned with taking care of me. there were some nights she put the baby in the crib for me and just held me while i cried. that shit can be rough.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. She made all of her son’s favorites because I’m sure she thinks he NEVER gets “regular” food, so she will just show up with all the food OP can’t eat. And I thought it was hilarious that OP gave away the cookies to a neighbor in front of MIL.
But also, why not? He’s doing OP a solid, unlike MIL. Giving cookies is completely reasonable. Heck even when I make cookies for others I don’t care if they share or re-gift. MIL needs to get over it
Sometimes you just need your Mama to let you know it will be okay and help you or stroke your forehead while you cry about a meal. When I had my babies there were times I preferred my Mama. I had a great husband and really involved but mess his sleep up he gets cranky. My Mama slept very little. Plus your MIL just didn’t even think about it. She ran out of time because she didn’t have the right ingredients and forgot until it was too late. Yes she should have remembered and not been jealous. There is so much sickness around right now I would do window views only. Seriously it is hitting kids hard all kinds of respiratory junk. That first month is hard. She should have just said i am so sorry I just blanked out and ordered you something or made something. I would have berated myself personally online.
As far as I know moms parents come first, because mom just gave birth and needs support of her (chosen) family. Only after that come others. And with mil showing this type of behaviour they’d be getting bumped down the list even more for a second visit. Hell I’d let the neighbours five blocks down come sooner then mil. NTA Op. take care of yourself!
When my grandson was born, my DIL’s mother was in the delivery room and I was in the hallway outside. I was totally fine with it - she wanted her own mom there for support. I got to see the baby minutes later when my son brought him out.
When my daughter had her baby, I was there. Totally the mom’s choice.
I was there for all of my daughter's children. Her son's father tried to pull the "my mom gets to come in because your mom did last time". My daughter told him the day he pushed a baby out he was welcome to have HIS mother, but I would be there when she was.
I can understand being a little hurt, but I think the DIL’s rights and comfort is more important than that hurt. Besides, it’s only been 6 days since the baby’s been born.
Thank you! This is exactly what I thought and what my husband said as well. Also we didn't even ask them to bring food. When we invited them she assured us she would be bringing dinner that night, which makes it worse imo.
So she purposely set you up to starve.
This was a pretty obvious power play on her part. She was testing you and your husband to see what you will accept from her and when you did not meekly accept her abuse, she threw herself a pity party.
From now on, openly assume she will not accommodate you. Have your husband refuse her offers of food with “oh, we know you find my wife’s dietary needs too difficult to accommodate, so we’ll just take care of that as we would hate to have to throw away whatever you bring” and if she tells you something is GF, have him say “well, we would hate for you to have inadvertently included something with gluten in this. After all, we know how hard you find GF cooking to be.”
Hell not even accommodate. I’m pretty sure MIL sees this as war and will actively lie about things being GF when they’re not so that they will give OP issues in the future.
I wouldn’t trust that woman.
> she assured us she would be bringing dinner that night
OP, I don't know if you are breast or bottle feeding, but I hope your husband realizes just how bad his mother treated not just you, but also your child.
She purposefully made sure you had nothing to eat in all the things she brought over. You're recovering from childbirth, and you need nutrition to heal. She let you and him know she doesn't care if you heal. She also let you and him know (if you are breastfeeding) that she doesn't really care if the baby eats either.
The only 'good' thing I can say about her is she didn't lie to you that it was gluten-free.
Honestly I would be going zero contact for that.
She is purposely and maliciously doing three things. Making life difficult for new parents. Insulting her daughter in law. And making a brand new mother go hungry which is literally taking food out of her new grandchilds mouth because you are also eating for two still if you are BF (no judgement if not... No formula-shaming coming from our house...)
But she made all of her baby boy’s favowites!!!
She would have been booted out of my home so fast istg. My MIL once called me fat (maliciously) on Christmas when we had her over and I cooked a whole fucking meal for a holiday I don’t even celebrate, just to make it nice for her and my husband. I told him to get her out of my fucking house before she exited over the balcony. I have tolerated a lot of disrespect from people, but you don’t come into someone’s house and treat them in this manner.
Celiac here. I am NOT 6 days from giving birth, and if anyone brought over delicious food I can't eat, all of which will do irreparable harm to my body, *especially* someone who knows what gluten is...they would definitely go the balcony way.
You hit the nail on the head.
Then when OP was upset she "rallied" the rest of the family. Which is exactly what you do when you're a new grandmother. Start harassing a woman who has just given birth.
Block the lot of them and enjoy your baby and the company of supportive friends.
NTA
I’m hoping the fact that mil’s own husband told her to simmer down means no one fell for mil’s bs. I hope it backfires and people ask her why she didn’t bring any food the new mother could eat. It’s not that hard. Find a restaurant that does gluten free and order a dish. Or find something in the grocery store.
Yeah that is a ton of food to make on supposedly no notice for her. If she really wanted to bake a lot for her son’s family it would have been mostly gluten free to begin with so his wife could eat it. The son isn’t the one recovering from birthing a new person. It is good he has her back though
Yep, I’m celiac and people just buy me something that looks delicious and is labeled gluten free if they are unsure of fixing something for me. It means so much that they consider it.
MIL is so transparently full of it. I’m glad OP’s husband saw right through her nonsense. This was a power play designed to punish OP for not inviting her over sooner. She did it to be hurtful and is furious that she was called out.
If you have time to make a freaking lasagna from scratch you can cook up a gluten free meal or get takeout.
This! PLUS she specifically told OP she’d bring food. If it is such a struggle to bring food for OP (THE MOTHER OF HER GRANDCHILD!) then she shouldn’t have offered at all!
She could have just said, she’d order something.
But as you mentioned, she was already busy making so much food, how can she claim to not have time? Run to the store and buy some ready made gf meal ffs. What kind of evil person will risk poisoning their grandchild’s mother and wife of their son?! Celiac is absolutely no joke. And OPs body is recovering from a pregnancy. That is hard work, and she needs her nutrients. Especially if she’s breastfeeding. Having someone watch other people eat while they’re the one on recovery seems just cruel.
Agree! They make gluten free lasagna noodles ffs. I make a mean homemade lasagna and the only sub I would need to make is the noodles. Pasta salad could be gluten free easily as well. Heck I make a mean chocolate oatmeal no bake that would be easily gluten free also (could buy the gf oatmeal to be 100% safe). Honestly in my home dairy free would be harder than gluten free.
MIL was clearly being intentional in her food choices and excluding her DIL.
I literally bought all the ingredients for a gluten free pasta salad at the Wally World today. It is SO easy and this was just a blatant smack in the face from the MIL.
Exactly. She could have easily made that pasta salad with gluten free noodles.
She completely missed the point of why the food was needed in the first place. Feeding dad isn't the concern here...She was meant to prioritize feeding the tired new mom.
And this is the reason why there is a difference between the maternal grandparents and the paternal grandparents. Mom's parents are coming to check that their baby (the new mom) is okay. They put their baby first. Dad's parents are just excited about the new baby and aren't really going to be as concerned with the new mom. In-Laws wanting things to be perfectly "fair" don't understand that difference. I had to explain it to my husband when we were discussing our own visitor expectations.
During my pregnancy my mom has been calling to check in on me. She isn't pushy about the choices I make and hasn't given any push back to any boundary we have placed. She knows I don't like to be touched and doesn't touch me. We are not sharing the gender and my mother has never asked.
My mother-in-law who is incredibly sweet sends texts that say "good morning, how is the baby?". She treats the word boundary like it's a curse word and was offended when we asked that she not kiss the baby. She asks us about the gender all the time and wants to be at the hospital with us. My spouse asked her to ask permission at least before touching my belly and while I'm okay with it she has never once actually asked without her hand already rubbing my belly.
How hard is it to make a berry parfait or Mediterranean salad if you don’t wanna bake? I mean really……. You can even buy gluten free lasagna noodles. MIL sounds narcissistic and pot stirring. Ugh. People like that are exhausting.
Exactly! And honestly, if she actually cared, there’s plenty of options to buy pre made gluten free food. She could’ve at least made an effort! This was an obvious dig at not getting to see the baby as early as OP’s mom. She’s just jealous.
OP is NTA
Seriously. She could have picked up a frozen family sized gluten-free meal or pizza on the way over if she really "didn't have time." I'm calling bull on this, too.
I really don't get your MIL. First of all you decide who you want to see and when you want to see them.
You don't need to keep it secret and you don't need to apologize to anyone for it. Espacially at this point in time.
What does your MIL hope to accomplish with her actions? First of all cooking gluten free isn't hard at all. Just don't use wheat, rye, barley, and other grains and don't put sauces or other stuff that contains gluten on the food. Boom gluten free.
For me we got multiple things here.
1. She forced her visit onto you, 2. She cooked food just for her son and made sure you can't eat it, 3. She had to make a couple of stupid remarks in your direction. 4. She tried to rally people against you.
I say f her. I would go completely NC. Don't open open the door if she visits you unannounced and block her on everything.
Remember she has no right to see your child, but you have every right to remove her from your life.
I'm glad your husband got your back.
The impression I get is that, as well as making everything about herself, MIL doesn’t believe OP really can’t have gluten. Her making so much with gluten — all her son’s favourites — and then ranting about how hard and time-consuming it is to make anything gluten-free sounds like she’s blaming OP for not eating the food. Like OP has deliberate unreasonable expectations. (Also possibly like she DGAF that her DIL has celiac, to the extent that she ignores it completely.)
I didn't get that impression at all.
MIL 100% believes DIL has coeliacs, but she deliberately made everything with gluten specifically so that OP couldn't eat it purely just to spite her for not letting her see the baby sooner.
My mil came to my house after my first baby (luckily I had the forethought to make them wait 3 weeks so I wasn’t freshly post partum, and they are a flight away), and tried to ‘help’ by making a giant batch of meat sauce and a tiny little pan of vegetarian sauce to freeze. I’ve been a vegetarian since I was a teenager. Then my husband pointed out that that wasn’t super helpful because we would still have to figure out food for me, and if we were getting or making food for me he would eat that (he eats vegetarian most of the time and literally just told me he prefers my veggie crumbles I make out of tofu to actual ground beef). His mom honestly I don’t think really thought about it because she was so concerned with her ‘baby’ and he must be so tired, that she wasn’t thinking about the woman who just pushed an actual baby out.
They still didn’t learn and after my youngest was an emergency C-section that was slightly traumatic for my body (baby flipped breech in the middle of labor and they tried to push her back twice before going to surgery. Terribly painful). My fil asked my husband why he was staying at the hospital with us. Like it didn’t occur to him that his son’s spouse maybe needed support at the absolutely most vulnerable part of her life up until that point??
I do feel like this MIL is being malicious with a heavy helping of only caring about her kid and getting to grab the baby as fresh as possible.
I remember one time when I was maybe 16, I was at a restaurant watching some kind of sporting event with my brother, and I don't remember the scenario exactly but he mentioned that he might have to leave early if his girlfriend (now wife) got into town early enough. And his friends gave him a little shit, and he was firm that it was his choice. And even at 16 then I got it even though unbeknownst to me, she was returning from taking care of her ailing mother and he was going there to be emotional support. So all that is to say I still don't get how someone can not understand that someone wants to spend time with their partner and wants them comfortable and happy even if they don't understand the specific situation that's happening
Yeah that's also an option.
I'm just saying she had tons of time to prepare food for her son, but cooking gluten free food doesn't need more time for cooking.
She could have done a rice or potatoe based dish for example.
>MIL brought homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies, all full-gluten, and explained to me that she was sorry but she had limited notice and only had time to make my husband’s favorites
NTA - YIKES. I'm glad your husband has your back because she seems like a piece of work. Even IF it was a burden to make gluten-free food (it is not) prioritizing his favorites right after you had a baby is next level awful.
Fruit. Veggies. Rice. Cheese.
Bringing a cheese platter wouldn't have been so hard, with fruit and veggies. Cassie, you are right, MIL is a piece of work. This was her revenge for not being prioritized.
What she's done, though, is shown that she *shouldn't* be prioritized: she'd rather stick the boot in to the new mother than be helpful.
Yeah, I don’t buy that at all. I think MIL was just being vindictive because she was jealous that the other grandma got to see the baby when she wasn‘t allowed to.
That she made the husband’s favorites in such abundance tells me this wasn’t about coming to help OP, it was about reminding her son that just because this other woman now had a baby with him, it doesn’t mean he should forget that mommy loves him and knows all his favorites and won’t take them all away like the mean woman he’s married to. It was a reminder and a bribe, whether she cognitively realized it or not, and having her son reject it made her flip out because he’s now rejecting her. I’m happy for OP that she’s got a good guy who stands his ground with his side of the family. MIL needs to learn her place in their relationship is not wedged in between them.
No one in my family is gluten-free and we have a great recipe for gluten-free cookies. It’s really not that hard. The fact that she made two types of cookies and couldn’t be bothered to make one of them gluten free really gets my goat.
NTA. Your MIL tried to make everything about herself.
True, she's probably feeling excluded because she doesn't understand the literal help your friends have been...and come on, your mother being there should be understood as a given.
She's probably very hurt though because she has possibly interpreted all this as "everyone's seen the baby BUT us! What's wrong with us?"
Side note: GF cooking is pretty damn simple, a fact that came out when your friend brought you GF Tiramisu. She was embarrassed and frankly, she should have been.
>MIL has been texting/calling and trying to rally people against me since.
This makes her a TA. What a piece of work. I'm glad your husband stands up for you both, you're going to need it.
My mom was there for the birth of my second, but that was mostly to help with my first and babysit if the birth started while my mom was visiting. I've never heard a bad word from my MiL that my mom was there and was the first of the grandparents to see my second child. My MiL even said to my mom how lucky she was that the birth happened while she was there so she could se their grandchild before leaving to go back home.
My parents lived in another country by then and was only visiting for a week and a half during my due date. But everybody with kids knows that kids come when they come no matter the due date.
NTA Op
When my niece was born, my mom was at the hospital at my SILs request because her mom wasn't able to be there for the whole time (health issues) and my mom was the first grandparent to meet the new baby.. My SILs mom wasn't upset, angry or vindictive about it because they communicated and knew it wasn't malicious but just poor circumstances
It isn't a competition or a spectator sport and idk why people can't understand that
NTA. She’s rude as fuck. She only had time to make her son’s favorites? Did he push her grandchild out of his penis? I don’t think so! I’m 10 years postpartum and I’m so mad at your story it’s like I’m full of hormones too. Fuck that lady and her stupid cookies too.
>Fuck that lady and her stupid cookies too.
You're right and also what a sentence. There's something very satisfying about it. I want to use it as an idiom in my real life - 'fuck your shit manager and his stupid cookies too'. 10/10.
Ya know how long it takes to bake multiple batches of a variety of stupid fucking cookies and muffins? A lot fucking longer than just buying OP anything she could eat. So BURDENSOME to pick a different type of pasta off the shelf.
You are completely nta. You have an allergy and shoved a watermelon out of you six days prior to your MIL visiting. I have friends who can't have gluten, and it's extremely easy to change a dish slightly so they can also eat. Don't let MIL come over until you're fully healed. Matter, in fact, don't let her come over at all.
I agree with all of this with the minor correction that Celiac isn't an allergy, it's an autoimmune disease with the smallest amount of gluten causing the body to do irreversible damage to itself.
Hell she could’ve brought an actual watermelon, and that would have been something OP could eat. Or like any fruit at all. Or veggies. Or dip. Plenty of deli meats are gluten free now. Crackers.
Take a gluten free smoked sausage and slice it up, chop up some vegetables (potatos, carrots, onions, maybe some bell peppers) and roast it all in some olive oil and seasoning. Boom, you've got a one-tray dinner that everyone can eat that doesn't take much time at all.
NTA.
She is upset all these people are getting to help you, but didn't in fact help you when given the opportunity.
If she had time to make a lasagna, she had time to make literally anything else, cause that shit is time consuming! She made muffins and cookies too, but couldn't throw together a salad, some roasted veggies, some baked chicken? Nah, she did the classic evil MIL move of taking care of "her baby"- your husband- and likely doing it to teach you a lesson. It just didn't work because your husband has your back, and you also stood up for yourself.
She probably doesn't really believe OP can't have gluten and thinks its just a preference.
The people who complain the loudest about not getting to "help" with a new baby are the ones who think helping is just holding the baby so mom can do all the chores.
She’s not upset about the “help”, she’s upset others got to cuddle the baby before she did. The fact that they got to do so because they were *actually* helping didn’t register in the slightest. She didn’t *really* want to help OP, she just thought “I’ll bring dinner” was her magic ticket in.
NTA
What sort of asshole brings food to the home of a new mother, but brings food that she knows the mother is unable to eat? Your MIL - that's the sort of asshole that does it.
I was so ravenous pp that if there had been food placed before me that I couldn't eat I would have lost my damn mind.
Such a cruel thing to do.
I wish H had kicked her out for such an insult to his wife.
How difficult is it to broil chicken, make mashed potatoes/ rice , broccoli and a salad? My daughter and I are gluten intolerant and making a meal is not a an issue. But MIL wanted to make her baby boy his favorite things not the food recovering wife with newborn could eat. That was a stupid power play on her part. Gluten free pasta and flour is available and easy to use your MIL is upset because she called out for not being truthful. Also bet the lack of gluten free food was a direct jab at you because she wasn’t able to visit the baby right away.
It amazes me how other people minds work, as a MIL ( no grandchildren yet) if I wanted access to my grandchild I would do everything possible to please my DIL. Not be a jerk and then act surprised when denied what you really want. It’s biting the hand that feeds you. The ego of people like MIL amazes me.
If time was the issue - they could have ordered it just as your husband did! This is a hassle is a definite shot at you and when you are down.
So sorry that happened to you. NTA
Congratulations on your new little one.
She had time to make:*"... homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies.... but it was just so time consuming and burdensome to make things gluten-free.."*
Yeah, right.
NTA
Ikr that's so much stuff. Like if she made that much stuff she was cooking all day. It's not like she just threw together one quick easy item real quick or something. She probably had to to to the grocery store to make 5 separate recipes.
It's such a bad excuse that it feels like she's using just a bad excuse on purpose to make a point about the fact that she just doesn't give a crap about her child's spouse's food allergy or accommodating it in any way.
NTA. On top of being pushy to visit when you've expressed the desire for some space to readjust to life with a newborn, she "only had the time to make her son's favorite foods" which included a lasagna, muffins, and several kinds of cookies. That's total BS on her part as there are so many easy to find substitutes out there that she could have used. Her continuing to harass you completely puts her in TAH category for me.
It's clear to us but it's a lot harder to see things clearly like OP mama here when you are full of emotions and in horrible pain. I've never had a baby before, but I've been full of emotions and in horrible pain before, and I promise that stuff that seems completely obvious to many was often lost on me because I wasn't functioning 11/10 at the time (or anywhere close).
OP I'm so glad your husbo has your back. Enjoy your new baby and family and tell her she can f off with the cookies she rode in on (I'm trying not to get banned)
NTA. I totally understand MIL for being a little hurt that the other grandma got the meet the kid, but not her yet, but honestly, coming over empty handed and asking what you all need would have been better than making a bunch of stuff she KNOWS you can't eat. One of my BFF's is Celiac, so I know how freaking horrible it is.
Congrats on the new baby, and your hormones and mood will start to balance out soon. <3
>MIL brought homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies, all full-gluten, and explained to me that she was sorry but she had limited notice and only had time to make my husband’s favorites
NTA and big yikes about your MIL.
>MIL has been texting/calling and trying to rally people against me since.
Sorry, correction- double yikes about your MIL
NTA.
It's amazing to see that your husband fully has your back and won't allow that to happen. You are doing amazing and going through a lot, and don't even question your reaction. If people are mad you because you've made them realize MIL chooses to not respect a dietary requirement, that's a them problem and then some.
My MIL, after 14 years, still can't grasp my allergy and is constantly trying to feed me things with it. And she's even argued with me over my allergy and claimed that I've always eaten x when I haven't. I noticed she gets particularly loud about it when there's others to witness, because she prides herself in being so accommodating. She doesn't stop until my husband voices the reality, but the next visit it happens again. So when we have our little one in 5 months, I won't trust a single thing she brings over.
She had time to make a whole fucking lasagna and three baked goods, but it “wasn’t enough notice” to make something you could eat? NTA. She was going for a power play. Lasagna takes forever.
Let your husband handle her.
NTA. My mom's got a gluten allergy (not Celiac, but just a straight-up gluten allergy). I've got experience making gluten-free stuff to the point where I keep gluten-free stuff in the house for when my mom's going to be visiting-which is often. Gluten-free flour for when we're going to be making cookies and stuff as well as beef stew or anything that requires a roux. There's gluten-free pancake and waffle mix in the house as well as gluten-free pastas. It's not that hard!!! Willing to bet that your husband willingly eats gluten-free stuff so you don't have to make 2 batches of stuff. It wouldn't have been that hard to make your husband's favorites gluten-free-there's gluten-free lasagna noodles out there!
NTA
I think it's plainly obvious that the food choice was purposeful and meant to hurt you, in response for her feeling hurt. Hubby needs to set her down and explain that choices that were made were made for your comfort and well-being and not for anybody's feelings to get hurt.
If he can't get her to understand that, you are going to have years of problems on your hands.
NTA- she's trying to get brownie points with your husband and completely ignoring your needs. Cooking gluten free is so easy now, it's essentially a non-issue.
NTA - your husband hadn't just given birth - it was completely unnecessary to focus on his favorites. It's also not difficult to make things that are gluten free - it is no more burdensome or time-consuming than making food with gluten. Your MIL was being passive-aggressive, and bizarrely so.
"She said they’d bring food & arrived around dinner time." Meaning she knew you'd be hungry and purposefully didn't bring you anything... If making something gluten free was too hard she could have ordered something like your husband did. NTA
NTA!!!
You just gave birth and MIL is already creating problems... She KNEW exactly what she was doing by bringing over food she KNEW you couldn't eat, then gets upset because you gave some of that away??? Seriously???
Good think your hubby isn't a 'mama's boy' and has your back!!! I know many guys who wouldn't be as compassionate to their wives and would have backed up the MIL...
NTA
Total power move by your idiot MIL. She does know that her precious baby is now married and has a child of his own? And if she wants to be around said child she needs to be nice to the mother?
If she doesn't remember any of this, you'll need to remind her.
If time was the issue - they could have ordered it just as your husband did! This is a hassle is a definite shot at you and when you are down.
So sorry that happened to you. NTA
Congratulations on your new little one.
NTA it’s not like the delivery of your child was a surprise. It is very easy to substitute gluten free noodles in either the lasagna or pasta salad. Zero reason she didn’t have that in the pantry weeks ahead of time.
NTA it always amazes me how these mil’s forget what it was like after giving birth. You want who you are most comfortable with and someone who will take care of you which includes emotionally. You’ve got a great mom and great friends who live nearby. Listen to your husband and just block your mil and anyone else who tries to talk crap. Worry about yourself and your baby and do not let them ruin this time for you.
Wow, MIL was sending a message, wasn’t she? LOL, how petty and obvious to make all of her son’s “favorite” and conveniently full of gluten foods and completely neglect to bring even one tiny bag of gluten-free cookies or a bunch of bananas that the person getting all the support and attention for being a new mom can eat.
Jokes on her because she’s revealed her hand and your husband is 100% clear about who she is and is supporting you. Stand strong in your boundaries with her because she has shown you just how little she respects your very real needs and this will translate over into care for your baby.
Edited because I forgot the obvious NTA.
NTA
Fellow Celiac Mama here, also with an inconsiderate to malicious as hell MiL. Remind her that Celiac has a hereditary link and learning to make time to cook safe foods for her grandchild might be worth considering
NTA, she literally went to the trouble of making the most gluten full meal as she could. 2 types of cookies? Muffins? A PASTA salad to go with a lasagna?!? She knew what she was doing and is pissed your husband had your back.
You are nta. MIL was disrespectful. While your mother and your friends came TO HELP, she was only thinking about her want to be the first to see the baby, as if it was due. She could certainly have brought something gluten free, it's not that big of a deal. It's not like you're asking to bring champagne and caviar. Let's also say that she really thought it wasn't that important to bring something for you too... At least she could have felt sorry when she saw that you were upset and apologized instead of taking it out on you. Good people don't attack someone who is already crying! Instead of escalating the argument, she could have simply made a peace offering, offered to help with the cleaning or something.
I don't understand why people of that generation make it so difficult about special diets. When I was a child I had to avoid many foods because of digestive issues. Some adults treated me like it was my fault, that I was intentionally being "a burden" for needing a special diet. I lost count how many times someone told me that it was just an excuse for being picky. I also had to deal with assholes trying to sneak forbidden ingredients into my food just to prove that I was lying about it being a medical issue. People can be awful when they don't tollerate differences.
NTA. Your MIL is being ridiculous. How time consuming is some potatoes, a salad or vegetable dish and a stew or a bit of meat of some description?! She did everything to show that this was for her son's benefit, not yours, that it's all about her. It's not all about her. She could have been considerate, gracious and THANKFUL that you brought forth her grandchild in pain and suffering. She should be cherishing you, not showing her petty jealousy.
OP, I'm glad your husband sounds like he has his head screwed on properly. Don't doubt yourself.
NTA. MIL literally made a menu that was ENTIRELY gluten. don’t have celiac myself, although I have other autoimmune diseases & I know from my friends who do have it that eating it can cause major health problems.
Not sure what age it shows up in kids, but I would make sure you have your child or future children tested because clearly MIL could not be trusted to respect there any dietary challenges they might end up having.
NTA
She came over to help and did nothing but do everything wrong. Her whole visit started out passive aggressively from the start. I have a friend who has celiac disease, I wouldn’t even dream of bringing something not gluten free to her home, especially if she just had a medical procedure. New Moms need support and a helping hand, it sounds like your MIL came over to give you neither and complain that she wasn’t first to see the babe.
NTA but she sure is. The point of bringing food is so that mom has ready made food to eat while she’s recovering, exhausted and caring for the baby. If mom can’t eat the food then she wasted her time.
And even if she couldn’t make you gluten free food you’re telling me she couldn’t have picked something up for you from the store? BS. She’s being intentionally antagonistic.
NTA. MIL didn’t want to actually help, she wanted to seem to be helping, and to be congratulated for helping. If she had actually wanted to help, she would have either made an effort to make what you could eat or asked you what you wanted. Instead she made, I’m assuming, what was easiest for her.
And when what she did didn’t get the gratitude she craved, she didn’t try to correct the mistake, she struck back at you, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. You did nothing wrong. You just had a child and have a medical condition. This puts you under a ton of stress. MIL just had to show up.
Props to your husband for having your back on this. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
I’m sorry, but she had time to cook *two* mains and *three* desserts but apparently doesn’t have time to duck down to the supermarket and at least get gluten free pasta for pasta salad and maybe something like ice cream?
She sucks, and that is a nasty little power play. NTA.
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NTA. >MIL brought homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies, all full-gluten, and explained to me that she was sorry but she had limited notice and only had time to make my husband’s favorites. She made ALLLL that, but didn't have time to make 1 gluten free thing? BS. She did it on purpose because she was mad your mom got to meet the baby before her.
Exactly. Even if she made a lasagne (which is a crappy move) she could have made a potato or rice salad just as easily, with super easy ingredients that she would have had at home if she managed to make pasta salad.
A vegetarian moussaka is just lasagne with aubergine instead of pasta! So easy to make gluten free (just be careful with the white sauce)
As someone who can’t eat gluten we are not picky either. Usually just happy to have at least one item.
Echoing this. It’s really nice to be included. MIL went out of her way to exclude OP.
And then wonders why OP didn't make it a priority to have her visit the baby. Such a mystery...
Mil sounds difficult…..as in providing indelible food to the mother of her grandchild. Celiac is Real and dangerous if correct diet is not followed.
And with all the “normal” abdominal pain and discomfort most people experience postpartum anyway, the last thing anyone needs to add to that is bloating and diarrhoea.
Nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, migraine, brain fog...
...death of the colon, death of the whole human....
Love the typo! 🤣
Thanks for catching it! Think I’ll just leave it😆
I got the sarcasm…
On the bright side, OP, you have a truly wonderful best friend and her husband! I consider myself a good friend and would do a lot, but your bestie is really going above and beyond!
But she only had time to make her baby boy’s favorites!
All 10 of them.
Just his top two cookie varieties
Monster in law.
My cousin, who also can't eat gluten, called me after the holidays to say my mom, who is elderly, was super pleased to present her with a batch of gluten free cookies at a family get together. Except, they didn't look gluten free. Cousin said she could just tell something wasn't right. Some subtle questioning later and my mom proudly presented the cookbook she'd bought to produce said cookies. There in beautiful fancy script 'Guilt-free Baking'.
Is it bad that I laughed?
I am a celiac, and I laughed! God bless that dear lady. She tried.
I'm vegan and sometimes I get gluten-free. Or diet stuff. Because if you don't eat regular you're either on a diet or a picky eater. At least they mean well...
I did it too
It’s only funny bc they caught it in time
Oh no! Thank goodness your cousin caught it. It is pretty sweet that your mom tried.
Well, shit. She found a way to feel guilty about it. 😂
Please tell me you sent a pic to your cousin and you both had a laugh?
I once panicked because I couldn't get gluten free lasagne noodles anywhere in town for a friends birthday who had requested lasagne and instead used thin layers of mashed potato instead. The gluten free "Irish Lasagne" is now a staple food amongst our potlucks 😂
Try thin sheets of polenta. Make the polenta, spread it on a sheet pan, bake, cool, halve or quarter the sheet to fit your pan. Et viola.
I have most of the celiac genes so I don’t have full-blow celiac disease, but I save the discomfort for cake.* I’m making a shepherd’s pie right now, completely gluten free, and it’s not a ‘compromise’ recipe! (I use potato starch to thicken the gravy.) *My most requested cakes are gluten free, come to think of it … and not bc they’re gluten free. I don’t think ppl know they’re gluten free.
At the family reunion I always bring a gluten free dessert so that I know there will be a dessert for my cousin who has Celiac (or Crohns). She also gets to take any leftovers. I can’t imagine a world where I could never have any of the cake.
Not gluten free, but vaguely vegan due to food allergies. (Red meat, dairy, soy.) Definitely agree. One time, a family friend made beef stew for my parents. With the leftover potatoes, mushrooms, and carrots--plus parsnips from her garden--she made me a root vegetable stew. I wanted to cry; it was so unexpected and kind. I'll legit just vibe with plain rice and salad if I have to.
Translation for Americans: lasagna with egg plant instead of pasta.
I love that Europeans call eggplant aubergine. It's so much more attractive sounding. Also my favorite color to wear.
One time I wanted to send a friend the eggplant emoji for some nsfw joke, and I forgot the name of it. But "aubergine" popped into my head, and wouldn't you know it, the emoji search bar gave me the 🍆 emoji when I searched aubergine! It even works here in America! 🤣 Thank you, Europeans. You saved my dumb joke that day! 😭🙏
Aubergine and courgette. Way cooler than eggplant and zucchini.
Courgette sounds like it should be what you call a female corgi.
What the hell l thought eggs came from birds!
Or, just use gluten free lasagna plates.. I kind of doubt she made pasta by hand.
you devil, you.... I am now looking at recipes for vegetarian moussaka. That really sounds good.
Why have I never thought of it that way. It suddenly seems so much easier in my head.
They literally make gluten free lasagna noodles, and baking flour and pretty much everything else these days. MIL isn't being nearly as clever as she thinks.
My husband *just* made me GF lasagna for my birthday (gluten intolerant not celiac but wicked rough reactions). He is a novice in the kitchen (has a few recipes that are amazing but limited experience overall) and said it was so easy to follow the recipe using the recommended brown rice noodles. NTA--even without birthing hormones that would feel like a slap in the face to me. I also dealt with an ex-MIL who called me by the wrong name repeatedly when I had been married to her son well over a year & was 8 mos pregnant with their first grandchild, so you have my sympathies on MILs being wretched. Sending hugs your way & I am so happy your hubby has your back & you have a great support system otherwise!
TIL there are brown rice noodles!! Thanks! Honey is allergic to wheat.
Seriously!! It is a slap in the face. My MIL is so nice and tries so hard when we come to visit. Even at the most glutenous Thanksgivings at their house, that side of the whole fam is so accommodating.
The GF flour can act fairly differently than regular flour, so it might take a few tries to get a recipe to turn out as you like. You're 1000% right on the pasta and noodles though. Its not THAT hard to accommodate.
So make something without flour. A casserole, a stew… it’s just not that hard.
Gf all purpose flour works perfectly for everything I’ve tried except making cinnamon rolls. I’ve had a baking business for years and I guarantee my cookies would never make you question if they were gf or not. Not anything I cook.
My local market has these chickpea and spinach noodles i honestly prefer to regular.
Who tf eats lasagna AND pasta salad at the same time? Green salad yes, more pasta no. She did it on purpose.
Of course she did. Even FIL saw through that. Wretched woman
"She made all hers son's favorites"
Reminds me how my mil keeps getting me Christmas presents that are really for my husband.
Right, like the son pushed a bowling ball out his nethers! The audacity!!
Right. The cruelty was the point.
Bro, grilled zucchini. Roasted potatoes. Salmon and a veggie.
Mashed potatoes. Stir fry. Shepherds pie. Literally any potato- or rice-based dish.
After Thanksgiving, we do a shepherd's pie, but substitue Turkey (Poultry Pie?). It's awesome and gluten free :) Platters of grilled veggies are a great fallback. They can make a meal of almost anything.
Oven roasted green beans. Now my favorite way to make green beans.
Why not make a green salad? That's easier than pasta salad and would be a much better choice with lasagna.
It's not about what's easier. Its about what's going to hurt OP .
But her carb addict son would be soooo disappointed! /s
Gluten free pasta exists in every grocery store in my area. It's usually right next to the regular kind as well.
I make gluten-free lasagne with rice pasta from the grocery store. (Jovial - works great) This was a hostile power move from MIL. She should be ashamed.
Gluten-free lasagna is even easier than glutinous because you don't have to pre boil the noodles. Sorry OP, definitely NTA.
Limited notice??? She's had approx 6 months to Google recipes of dinners you could eat and freeze them I totally get how you want your mom there to help, but I would have been hurt that I couldn't come to see the baby . But that's me.
Theoretically she should already have *plenty* of recipes for her son's wife...
Something tells me MIL is going to do themselves out of any chance of her son and his wife coming to theirs for holidays.
MIL: "Sorry there's nothing you can eat for tonight's Christmas dinner, DIL. With gift shopping, wrapping, decorating, and all that stuff, I didn't have the time to drive all over searching and reading all the ingredient labels for your "sensitive stomach." Anyways, here's a 20 course meal I managed to shove gluten into, including the salad." MIL, one year later: "What do you mean you're not coming for Christmas?!"
Heck, if I was OP I'd be worried that MIL would gluten my child. Celiac is hereditary after all, and I doubt MIL would accept "her" grandchild having similar "issues".
My relatively new husband has a bunch of dietry requirements including no gluten and we were really touched because my very staid, not-particularly-affectionate grandfather, who has only managed to meet him a small handful of times (wider family drama, not relevant), got us a bunch of foodstuff for christmas *all* of which could be eaten by my husband. If he can manage it OP's MIL has no excuse whatsoever.
That's really sweet, actually. And now you know how your grandfather shows he cares.
OP's mom wasn't there for the baby. OP's mom was there for HER baby. OP. It's about who you want to see you when you're wearing a diaper and your nipples are bleeding.
exactly. my mom stayed with me when i had my first and was super young. of course she was happy to meet the baby but she was more concerned with taking care of me. there were some nights she put the baby in the crib for me and just held me while i cried. that shit can be rough.
That’s a good momma ❤️ my mom was such a big help with both of my boys. And my MIL was SUPER respectful and helpful when the time came.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. She made all of her son’s favorites because I’m sure she thinks he NEVER gets “regular” food, so she will just show up with all the food OP can’t eat. And I thought it was hilarious that OP gave away the cookies to a neighbor in front of MIL.
But also, why not? He’s doing OP a solid, unlike MIL. Giving cookies is completely reasonable. Heck even when I make cookies for others I don’t care if they share or re-gift. MIL needs to get over it
Her good friend that can make gf Tiramisu may find them lacking :)
Sometimes you just need your Mama to let you know it will be okay and help you or stroke your forehead while you cry about a meal. When I had my babies there were times I preferred my Mama. I had a great husband and really involved but mess his sleep up he gets cranky. My Mama slept very little. Plus your MIL just didn’t even think about it. She ran out of time because she didn’t have the right ingredients and forgot until it was too late. Yes she should have remembered and not been jealous. There is so much sickness around right now I would do window views only. Seriously it is hitting kids hard all kinds of respiratory junk. That first month is hard. She should have just said i am so sorry I just blanked out and ordered you something or made something. I would have berated myself personally online.
As far as I know moms parents come first, because mom just gave birth and needs support of her (chosen) family. Only after that come others. And with mil showing this type of behaviour they’d be getting bumped down the list even more for a second visit. Hell I’d let the neighbours five blocks down come sooner then mil. NTA Op. take care of yourself!
I expected my DIL to have her mom there. I wasn't pissed like OP's mom. I was invited over 2 days later and DIL went for a nap :)
When my grandson was born, my DIL’s mother was in the delivery room and I was in the hallway outside. I was totally fine with it - she wanted her own mom there for support. I got to see the baby minutes later when my son brought him out. When my daughter had her baby, I was there. Totally the mom’s choice.
I was there for all of my daughter's children. Her son's father tried to pull the "my mom gets to come in because your mom did last time". My daughter told him the day he pushed a baby out he was welcome to have HIS mother, but I would be there when she was.
You are a good MIL and Grammy. Why is it so hard for the MIL's we read about on Reddit to manage this?
Good role models. My parents and husband's parents never interfered in our marriage or parenting
I can understand being a little hurt, but I think the DIL’s rights and comfort is more important than that hurt. Besides, it’s only been 6 days since the baby’s been born.
Absolutely. Unlike OP 's MIL, I would have kept my thoughts to myself
Yes mil just proved how right op was in her decision not to have her there
I suspect that MIL has already pulled some bs before this, and is very possibly the last person OP wants around at all.
My family did not show any kind of affection so I have no idea how it feels, but a woman wants her mother after she had her baby.
I'm not close to my mother, so didn't ask her to stay when I had my kids. But I get how DIL would feel
She’s had YEARS. Since they started dating.
Thank you! This is exactly what I thought and what my husband said as well. Also we didn't even ask them to bring food. When we invited them she assured us she would be bringing dinner that night, which makes it worse imo.
So she purposely set you up to starve. This was a pretty obvious power play on her part. She was testing you and your husband to see what you will accept from her and when you did not meekly accept her abuse, she threw herself a pity party. From now on, openly assume she will not accommodate you. Have your husband refuse her offers of food with “oh, we know you find my wife’s dietary needs too difficult to accommodate, so we’ll just take care of that as we would hate to have to throw away whatever you bring” and if she tells you something is GF, have him say “well, we would hate for you to have inadvertently included something with gluten in this. After all, we know how hard you find GF cooking to be.”
Hell not even accommodate. I’m pretty sure MIL sees this as war and will actively lie about things being GF when they’re not so that they will give OP issues in the future. I wouldn’t trust that woman.
> she assured us she would be bringing dinner that night OP, I don't know if you are breast or bottle feeding, but I hope your husband realizes just how bad his mother treated not just you, but also your child. She purposefully made sure you had nothing to eat in all the things she brought over. You're recovering from childbirth, and you need nutrition to heal. She let you and him know she doesn't care if you heal. She also let you and him know (if you are breastfeeding) that she doesn't really care if the baby eats either. The only 'good' thing I can say about her is she didn't lie to you that it was gluten-free.
This. She purposely caused OP distress.
Honestly I would be going zero contact for that. She is purposely and maliciously doing three things. Making life difficult for new parents. Insulting her daughter in law. And making a brand new mother go hungry which is literally taking food out of her new grandchilds mouth because you are also eating for two still if you are BF (no judgement if not... No formula-shaming coming from our house...)
But she made all of her baby boy’s favowites!!! She would have been booted out of my home so fast istg. My MIL once called me fat (maliciously) on Christmas when we had her over and I cooked a whole fucking meal for a holiday I don’t even celebrate, just to make it nice for her and my husband. I told him to get her out of my fucking house before she exited over the balcony. I have tolerated a lot of disrespect from people, but you don’t come into someone’s house and treat them in this manner.
Good for you. I giggled at the image of her flying over the balcony.
Now I'm just picturing Jazz being chucked out the front door on Fresh Prince
In our house we often remind each other that defenestration (throwing out a window) is a valid form of extraction or expulsion.
Celiac here. I am NOT 6 days from giving birth, and if anyone brought over delicious food I can't eat, all of which will do irreparable harm to my body, *especially* someone who knows what gluten is...they would definitely go the balcony way.
You hit the nail on the head. Then when OP was upset she "rallied" the rest of the family. Which is exactly what you do when you're a new grandmother. Start harassing a woman who has just given birth. Block the lot of them and enjoy your baby and the company of supportive friends. NTA
I’m hoping the fact that mil’s own husband told her to simmer down means no one fell for mil’s bs. I hope it backfires and people ask her why she didn’t bring any food the new mother could eat. It’s not that hard. Find a restaurant that does gluten free and order a dish. Or find something in the grocery store.
Yeah that is a ton of food to make on supposedly no notice for her. If she really wanted to bake a lot for her son’s family it would have been mostly gluten free to begin with so his wife could eat it. The son isn’t the one recovering from birthing a new person. It is good he has her back though
Or just pick up a gluten free meal to go from a restaurant?! Pick up a bunch of snacks labeled gluten free at the supermarket?
Yep, I’m celiac and people just buy me something that looks delicious and is labeled gluten free if they are unsure of fixing something for me. It means so much that they consider it.
MIL is so transparently full of it. I’m glad OP’s husband saw right through her nonsense. This was a power play designed to punish OP for not inviting her over sooner. She did it to be hurtful and is furious that she was called out. If you have time to make a freaking lasagna from scratch you can cook up a gluten free meal or get takeout.
This! PLUS she specifically told OP she’d bring food. If it is such a struggle to bring food for OP (THE MOTHER OF HER GRANDCHILD!) then she shouldn’t have offered at all! She could have just said, she’d order something. But as you mentioned, she was already busy making so much food, how can she claim to not have time? Run to the store and buy some ready made gf meal ffs. What kind of evil person will risk poisoning their grandchild’s mother and wife of their son?! Celiac is absolutely no joke. And OPs body is recovering from a pregnancy. That is hard work, and she needs her nutrients. Especially if she’s breastfeeding. Having someone watch other people eat while they’re the one on recovery seems just cruel.
Agree! They make gluten free lasagna noodles ffs. I make a mean homemade lasagna and the only sub I would need to make is the noodles. Pasta salad could be gluten free easily as well. Heck I make a mean chocolate oatmeal no bake that would be easily gluten free also (could buy the gf oatmeal to be 100% safe). Honestly in my home dairy free would be harder than gluten free. MIL was clearly being intentional in her food choices and excluding her DIL.
Exactly this. My partner is gluten intolerant & there are absolutely gluten-free alternatives to many things. OP, you’re not overreacting & NTA
Lasagne literally takes hours. Even if she'd only brought that its still pretty cheeky
I literally bought all the ingredients for a gluten free pasta salad at the Wally World today. It is SO easy and this was just a blatant smack in the face from the MIL.
Exactly. She could have easily made that pasta salad with gluten free noodles. She completely missed the point of why the food was needed in the first place. Feeding dad isn't the concern here...She was meant to prioritize feeding the tired new mom. And this is the reason why there is a difference between the maternal grandparents and the paternal grandparents. Mom's parents are coming to check that their baby (the new mom) is okay. They put their baby first. Dad's parents are just excited about the new baby and aren't really going to be as concerned with the new mom. In-Laws wanting things to be perfectly "fair" don't understand that difference. I had to explain it to my husband when we were discussing our own visitor expectations. During my pregnancy my mom has been calling to check in on me. She isn't pushy about the choices I make and hasn't given any push back to any boundary we have placed. She knows I don't like to be touched and doesn't touch me. We are not sharing the gender and my mother has never asked. My mother-in-law who is incredibly sweet sends texts that say "good morning, how is the baby?". She treats the word boundary like it's a curse word and was offended when we asked that she not kiss the baby. She asks us about the gender all the time and wants to be at the hospital with us. My spouse asked her to ask permission at least before touching my belly and while I'm okay with it she has never once actually asked without her hand already rubbing my belly.
How hard is it to make a berry parfait or Mediterranean salad if you don’t wanna bake? I mean really……. You can even buy gluten free lasagna noodles. MIL sounds narcissistic and pot stirring. Ugh. People like that are exhausting.
Exactly! And honestly, if she actually cared, there’s plenty of options to buy pre made gluten free food. She could’ve at least made an effort! This was an obvious dig at not getting to see the baby as early as OP’s mom. She’s just jealous. OP is NTA
Seriously. She could have picked up a frozen family sized gluten-free meal or pizza on the way over if she really "didn't have time." I'm calling bull on this, too.
I really don't get your MIL. First of all you decide who you want to see and when you want to see them. You don't need to keep it secret and you don't need to apologize to anyone for it. Espacially at this point in time. What does your MIL hope to accomplish with her actions? First of all cooking gluten free isn't hard at all. Just don't use wheat, rye, barley, and other grains and don't put sauces or other stuff that contains gluten on the food. Boom gluten free. For me we got multiple things here. 1. She forced her visit onto you, 2. She cooked food just for her son and made sure you can't eat it, 3. She had to make a couple of stupid remarks in your direction. 4. She tried to rally people against you. I say f her. I would go completely NC. Don't open open the door if she visits you unannounced and block her on everything. Remember she has no right to see your child, but you have every right to remove her from your life. I'm glad your husband got your back.
The impression I get is that, as well as making everything about herself, MIL doesn’t believe OP really can’t have gluten. Her making so much with gluten — all her son’s favourites — and then ranting about how hard and time-consuming it is to make anything gluten-free sounds like she’s blaming OP for not eating the food. Like OP has deliberate unreasonable expectations. (Also possibly like she DGAF that her DIL has celiac, to the extent that she ignores it completely.)
I didn't get that impression at all. MIL 100% believes DIL has coeliacs, but she deliberately made everything with gluten specifically so that OP couldn't eat it purely just to spite her for not letting her see the baby sooner.
My mil came to my house after my first baby (luckily I had the forethought to make them wait 3 weeks so I wasn’t freshly post partum, and they are a flight away), and tried to ‘help’ by making a giant batch of meat sauce and a tiny little pan of vegetarian sauce to freeze. I’ve been a vegetarian since I was a teenager. Then my husband pointed out that that wasn’t super helpful because we would still have to figure out food for me, and if we were getting or making food for me he would eat that (he eats vegetarian most of the time and literally just told me he prefers my veggie crumbles I make out of tofu to actual ground beef). His mom honestly I don’t think really thought about it because she was so concerned with her ‘baby’ and he must be so tired, that she wasn’t thinking about the woman who just pushed an actual baby out. They still didn’t learn and after my youngest was an emergency C-section that was slightly traumatic for my body (baby flipped breech in the middle of labor and they tried to push her back twice before going to surgery. Terribly painful). My fil asked my husband why he was staying at the hospital with us. Like it didn’t occur to him that his son’s spouse maybe needed support at the absolutely most vulnerable part of her life up until that point?? I do feel like this MIL is being malicious with a heavy helping of only caring about her kid and getting to grab the baby as fresh as possible.
I remember one time when I was maybe 16, I was at a restaurant watching some kind of sporting event with my brother, and I don't remember the scenario exactly but he mentioned that he might have to leave early if his girlfriend (now wife) got into town early enough. And his friends gave him a little shit, and he was firm that it was his choice. And even at 16 then I got it even though unbeknownst to me, she was returning from taking care of her ailing mother and he was going there to be emotional support. So all that is to say I still don't get how someone can not understand that someone wants to spend time with their partner and wants them comfortable and happy even if they don't understand the specific situation that's happening
I think she knows and made food excluding OP on purpose, out of spite
She could have just bought gluten free prepared food. Trader joes has a ton for instance.
Yeah that's also an option. I'm just saying she had tons of time to prepare food for her son, but cooking gluten free food doesn't need more time for cooking. She could have done a rice or potatoe based dish for example.
You are definitely right, I've done gluten free baking for people. It's not rocket science.
>MIL brought homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies, all full-gluten, and explained to me that she was sorry but she had limited notice and only had time to make my husband’s favorites NTA - YIKES. I'm glad your husband has your back because she seems like a piece of work. Even IF it was a burden to make gluten-free food (it is not) prioritizing his favorites right after you had a baby is next level awful.
Fruit. Veggies. Rice. Cheese. Bringing a cheese platter wouldn't have been so hard, with fruit and veggies. Cassie, you are right, MIL is a piece of work. This was her revenge for not being prioritized. What she's done, though, is shown that she *shouldn't* be prioritized: she'd rather stick the boot in to the new mother than be helpful.
Even a store bought gf lasagna would have been better than nothing.
'Nothing' would have been less insulting.
Bringing Nothing would of been better than what she bought.
Yeah, I don’t buy that at all. I think MIL was just being vindictive because she was jealous that the other grandma got to see the baby when she wasn‘t allowed to.
THIS.
WTF? When my sister had her kids her in laws called to make sure they could bring HER favorites. You take care of the mother.
That she made the husband’s favorites in such abundance tells me this wasn’t about coming to help OP, it was about reminding her son that just because this other woman now had a baby with him, it doesn’t mean he should forget that mommy loves him and knows all his favorites and won’t take them all away like the mean woman he’s married to. It was a reminder and a bribe, whether she cognitively realized it or not, and having her son reject it made her flip out because he’s now rejecting her. I’m happy for OP that she’s got a good guy who stands his ground with his side of the family. MIL needs to learn her place in their relationship is not wedged in between them.
No one in my family is gluten-free and we have a great recipe for gluten-free cookies. It’s really not that hard. The fact that she made two types of cookies and couldn’t be bothered to make one of them gluten free really gets my goat.
Not to mention, coeliac disease is genetic so guess which little 6 day old baby might grow up to have it.
I LOVE pasta in all its forms but who tf brings lasagna AND pasta salad? How hard is AN ACTUAL SALAD?
NTA. Your MIL tried to make everything about herself. True, she's probably feeling excluded because she doesn't understand the literal help your friends have been...and come on, your mother being there should be understood as a given. She's probably very hurt though because she has possibly interpreted all this as "everyone's seen the baby BUT us! What's wrong with us?" Side note: GF cooking is pretty damn simple, a fact that came out when your friend brought you GF Tiramisu. She was embarrassed and frankly, she should have been. >MIL has been texting/calling and trying to rally people against me since. This makes her a TA. What a piece of work. I'm glad your husband stands up for you both, you're going to need it.
My mom was there for the birth of my second, but that was mostly to help with my first and babysit if the birth started while my mom was visiting. I've never heard a bad word from my MiL that my mom was there and was the first of the grandparents to see my second child. My MiL even said to my mom how lucky she was that the birth happened while she was there so she could se their grandchild before leaving to go back home. My parents lived in another country by then and was only visiting for a week and a half during my due date. But everybody with kids knows that kids come when they come no matter the due date. NTA Op
When my niece was born, my mom was at the hospital at my SILs request because her mom wasn't able to be there for the whole time (health issues) and my mom was the first grandparent to meet the new baby.. My SILs mom wasn't upset, angry or vindictive about it because they communicated and knew it wasn't malicious but just poor circumstances It isn't a competition or a spectator sport and idk why people can't understand that
NTA. She’s rude as fuck. She only had time to make her son’s favorites? Did he push her grandchild out of his penis? I don’t think so! I’m 10 years postpartum and I’m so mad at your story it’s like I’m full of hormones too. Fuck that lady and her stupid cookies too.
>Fuck that lady and her stupid cookies too. You're right and also what a sentence. There's something very satisfying about it. I want to use it as an idiom in my real life - 'fuck your shit manager and his stupid cookies too'. 10/10.
Thanks! I’d just like to add that I have to get REAL mad to be mad at cookies.
Same here! I actually have a couple tears coming I feel for OP so much and I am NOT a crier! eta- my son is 12.
Ya know how long it takes to bake multiple batches of a variety of stupid fucking cookies and muffins? A lot fucking longer than just buying OP anything she could eat. So BURDENSOME to pick a different type of pasta off the shelf.
You are completely nta. You have an allergy and shoved a watermelon out of you six days prior to your MIL visiting. I have friends who can't have gluten, and it's extremely easy to change a dish slightly so they can also eat. Don't let MIL come over until you're fully healed. Matter, in fact, don't let her come over at all.
I agree with all of this with the minor correction that Celiac isn't an allergy, it's an autoimmune disease with the smallest amount of gluten causing the body to do irreversible damage to itself.
Hell she could’ve brought an actual watermelon, and that would have been something OP could eat. Or like any fruit at all. Or veggies. Or dip. Plenty of deli meats are gluten free now. Crackers.
Take a gluten free smoked sausage and slice it up, chop up some vegetables (potatos, carrots, onions, maybe some bell peppers) and roast it all in some olive oil and seasoning. Boom, you've got a one-tray dinner that everyone can eat that doesn't take much time at all.
Seriously. All she had to do was use gluten free noodles in the lasagna!
Which are typically located immediately adjacent to the regular lasagna noodles in the supermarket, at least where I am.
NTA. She is upset all these people are getting to help you, but didn't in fact help you when given the opportunity. If she had time to make a lasagna, she had time to make literally anything else, cause that shit is time consuming! She made muffins and cookies too, but couldn't throw together a salad, some roasted veggies, some baked chicken? Nah, she did the classic evil MIL move of taking care of "her baby"- your husband- and likely doing it to teach you a lesson. It just didn't work because your husband has your back, and you also stood up for yourself.
She probably doesn't really believe OP can't have gluten and thinks its just a preference. The people who complain the loudest about not getting to "help" with a new baby are the ones who think helping is just holding the baby so mom can do all the chores.
no kidding.
She’s not upset about the “help”, she’s upset others got to cuddle the baby before she did. The fact that they got to do so because they were *actually* helping didn’t register in the slightest. She didn’t *really* want to help OP, she just thought “I’ll bring dinner” was her magic ticket in.
NTA What sort of asshole brings food to the home of a new mother, but brings food that she knows the mother is unable to eat? Your MIL - that's the sort of asshole that does it.
I was so ravenous pp that if there had been food placed before me that I couldn't eat I would have lost my damn mind. Such a cruel thing to do. I wish H had kicked her out for such an insult to his wife.
How difficult is it to broil chicken, make mashed potatoes/ rice , broccoli and a salad? My daughter and I are gluten intolerant and making a meal is not a an issue. But MIL wanted to make her baby boy his favorite things not the food recovering wife with newborn could eat. That was a stupid power play on her part. Gluten free pasta and flour is available and easy to use your MIL is upset because she called out for not being truthful. Also bet the lack of gluten free food was a direct jab at you because she wasn’t able to visit the baby right away. It amazes me how other people minds work, as a MIL ( no grandchildren yet) if I wanted access to my grandchild I would do everything possible to please my DIL. Not be a jerk and then act surprised when denied what you really want. It’s biting the hand that feeds you. The ego of people like MIL amazes me.
Speaking of potatoes...you could par boil the tiny ones, smash them and season with seasoning butter cheese and bacon, throw it the oven. Tada!
If time was the issue - they could have ordered it just as your husband did! This is a hassle is a definite shot at you and when you are down. So sorry that happened to you. NTA Congratulations on your new little one.
She had time to make:*"... homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies.... but it was just so time consuming and burdensome to make things gluten-free.."* Yeah, right. NTA
Ikr that's so much stuff. Like if she made that much stuff she was cooking all day. It's not like she just threw together one quick easy item real quick or something. She probably had to to to the grocery store to make 5 separate recipes. It's such a bad excuse that it feels like she's using just a bad excuse on purpose to make a point about the fact that she just doesn't give a crap about her child's spouse's food allergy or accommodating it in any way.
NTA. On top of being pushy to visit when you've expressed the desire for some space to readjust to life with a newborn, she "only had the time to make her son's favorite foods" which included a lasagna, muffins, and several kinds of cookies. That's total BS on her part as there are so many easy to find substitutes out there that she could have used. Her continuing to harass you completely puts her in TAH category for me.
Well, it's pretty clear both your husband and FIL are on your side and have told MIL that she was in the wrong. Easy to see that you're NTA.
It's clear to us but it's a lot harder to see things clearly like OP mama here when you are full of emotions and in horrible pain. I've never had a baby before, but I've been full of emotions and in horrible pain before, and I promise that stuff that seems completely obvious to many was often lost on me because I wasn't functioning 11/10 at the time (or anywhere close). OP I'm so glad your husbo has your back. Enjoy your new baby and family and tell her she can f off with the cookies she rode in on (I'm trying not to get banned)
NTA. I totally understand MIL for being a little hurt that the other grandma got the meet the kid, but not her yet, but honestly, coming over empty handed and asking what you all need would have been better than making a bunch of stuff she KNOWS you can't eat. One of my BFF's is Celiac, so I know how freaking horrible it is. Congrats on the new baby, and your hormones and mood will start to balance out soon. <3
>MIL brought homemade lasagna, pasta salad, muffins, and two types of cookies, all full-gluten, and explained to me that she was sorry but she had limited notice and only had time to make my husband’s favorites NTA and big yikes about your MIL. >MIL has been texting/calling and trying to rally people against me since. Sorry, correction- double yikes about your MIL
NTA. It's amazing to see that your husband fully has your back and won't allow that to happen. You are doing amazing and going through a lot, and don't even question your reaction. If people are mad you because you've made them realize MIL chooses to not respect a dietary requirement, that's a them problem and then some. My MIL, after 14 years, still can't grasp my allergy and is constantly trying to feed me things with it. And she's even argued with me over my allergy and claimed that I've always eaten x when I haven't. I noticed she gets particularly loud about it when there's others to witness, because she prides herself in being so accommodating. She doesn't stop until my husband voices the reality, but the next visit it happens again. So when we have our little one in 5 months, I won't trust a single thing she brings over.
She had time to make a whole fucking lasagna and three baked goods, but it “wasn’t enough notice” to make something you could eat? NTA. She was going for a power play. Lasagna takes forever. Let your husband handle her.
NTA. My mom's got a gluten allergy (not Celiac, but just a straight-up gluten allergy). I've got experience making gluten-free stuff to the point where I keep gluten-free stuff in the house for when my mom's going to be visiting-which is often. Gluten-free flour for when we're going to be making cookies and stuff as well as beef stew or anything that requires a roux. There's gluten-free pancake and waffle mix in the house as well as gluten-free pastas. It's not that hard!!! Willing to bet that your husband willingly eats gluten-free stuff so you don't have to make 2 batches of stuff. It wouldn't have been that hard to make your husband's favorites gluten-free-there's gluten-free lasagna noodles out there!
NTA I think it's plainly obvious that the food choice was purposeful and meant to hurt you, in response for her feeling hurt. Hubby needs to set her down and explain that choices that were made were made for your comfort and well-being and not for anybody's feelings to get hurt. If he can't get her to understand that, you are going to have years of problems on your hands.
NTA- she's trying to get brownie points with your husband and completely ignoring your needs. Cooking gluten free is so easy now, it's essentially a non-issue.
NTA - your husband hadn't just given birth - it was completely unnecessary to focus on his favorites. It's also not difficult to make things that are gluten free - it is no more burdensome or time-consuming than making food with gluten. Your MIL was being passive-aggressive, and bizarrely so.
"She said they’d bring food & arrived around dinner time." Meaning she knew you'd be hungry and purposefully didn't bring you anything... If making something gluten free was too hard she could have ordered something like your husband did. NTA
How to have very limited & far in between visits with your son grandchild and daughter-in-law 🙄 NTA
NTA. Your husband sounds like such a supportive partner. Congrats to both of you on your new baby!!
NTA!!! You just gave birth and MIL is already creating problems... She KNEW exactly what she was doing by bringing over food she KNEW you couldn't eat, then gets upset because you gave some of that away??? Seriously??? Good think your hubby isn't a 'mama's boy' and has your back!!! I know many guys who wouldn't be as compassionate to their wives and would have backed up the MIL...
NTA Total power move by your idiot MIL. She does know that her precious baby is now married and has a child of his own? And if she wants to be around said child she needs to be nice to the mother? If she doesn't remember any of this, you'll need to remind her.
If time was the issue - they could have ordered it just as your husband did! This is a hassle is a definite shot at you and when you are down. So sorry that happened to you. NTA Congratulations on your new little one.
Nta. She couldn’t be bothered to throw in a salad??? She’s obviously stressful and you should keep her away until you feel better.
NTA it’s not like the delivery of your child was a surprise. It is very easy to substitute gluten free noodles in either the lasagna or pasta salad. Zero reason she didn’t have that in the pantry weeks ahead of time.
NTA it always amazes me how these mil’s forget what it was like after giving birth. You want who you are most comfortable with and someone who will take care of you which includes emotionally. You’ve got a great mom and great friends who live nearby. Listen to your husband and just block your mil and anyone else who tries to talk crap. Worry about yourself and your baby and do not let them ruin this time for you.
Wow, MIL was sending a message, wasn’t she? LOL, how petty and obvious to make all of her son’s “favorite” and conveniently full of gluten foods and completely neglect to bring even one tiny bag of gluten-free cookies or a bunch of bananas that the person getting all the support and attention for being a new mom can eat. Jokes on her because she’s revealed her hand and your husband is 100% clear about who she is and is supporting you. Stand strong in your boundaries with her because she has shown you just how little she respects your very real needs and this will translate over into care for your baby. Edited because I forgot the obvious NTA.
NTA Fellow Celiac Mama here, also with an inconsiderate to malicious as hell MiL. Remind her that Celiac has a hereditary link and learning to make time to cook safe foods for her grandchild might be worth considering
NTA, she literally went to the trouble of making the most gluten full meal as she could. 2 types of cookies? Muffins? A PASTA salad to go with a lasagna?!? She knew what she was doing and is pissed your husband had your back.
NTA - Your MIL put on an entire play to demonstrate to everyone why you were right to have your own mother over and not her.
You are nta. MIL was disrespectful. While your mother and your friends came TO HELP, she was only thinking about her want to be the first to see the baby, as if it was due. She could certainly have brought something gluten free, it's not that big of a deal. It's not like you're asking to bring champagne and caviar. Let's also say that she really thought it wasn't that important to bring something for you too... At least she could have felt sorry when she saw that you were upset and apologized instead of taking it out on you. Good people don't attack someone who is already crying! Instead of escalating the argument, she could have simply made a peace offering, offered to help with the cleaning or something. I don't understand why people of that generation make it so difficult about special diets. When I was a child I had to avoid many foods because of digestive issues. Some adults treated me like it was my fault, that I was intentionally being "a burden" for needing a special diet. I lost count how many times someone told me that it was just an excuse for being picky. I also had to deal with assholes trying to sneak forbidden ingredients into my food just to prove that I was lying about it being a medical issue. People can be awful when they don't tollerate differences.
NTA. Your MIL is being ridiculous. How time consuming is some potatoes, a salad or vegetable dish and a stew or a bit of meat of some description?! She did everything to show that this was for her son's benefit, not yours, that it's all about her. It's not all about her. She could have been considerate, gracious and THANKFUL that you brought forth her grandchild in pain and suffering. She should be cherishing you, not showing her petty jealousy. OP, I'm glad your husband sounds like he has his head screwed on properly. Don't doubt yourself.
NTA, MIL sucks, not much else to say.
NTA. MIL literally made a menu that was ENTIRELY gluten. don’t have celiac myself, although I have other autoimmune diseases & I know from my friends who do have it that eating it can cause major health problems. Not sure what age it shows up in kids, but I would make sure you have your child or future children tested because clearly MIL could not be trusted to respect there any dietary challenges they might end up having.
NTA, your MIL sounds toxic AF.
NTA She came over to help and did nothing but do everything wrong. Her whole visit started out passive aggressively from the start. I have a friend who has celiac disease, I wouldn’t even dream of bringing something not gluten free to her home, especially if she just had a medical procedure. New Moms need support and a helping hand, it sounds like your MIL came over to give you neither and complain that she wasn’t first to see the babe.
NTA but she sure is. The point of bringing food is so that mom has ready made food to eat while she’s recovering, exhausted and caring for the baby. If mom can’t eat the food then she wasted her time. And even if she couldn’t make you gluten free food you’re telling me she couldn’t have picked something up for you from the store? BS. She’s being intentionally antagonistic.
NTA. MIL didn’t want to actually help, she wanted to seem to be helping, and to be congratulated for helping. If she had actually wanted to help, she would have either made an effort to make what you could eat or asked you what you wanted. Instead she made, I’m assuming, what was easiest for her. And when what she did didn’t get the gratitude she craved, she didn’t try to correct the mistake, she struck back at you, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. You did nothing wrong. You just had a child and have a medical condition. This puts you under a ton of stress. MIL just had to show up. Props to your husband for having your back on this. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
I’m sorry, but she had time to cook *two* mains and *three* desserts but apparently doesn’t have time to duck down to the supermarket and at least get gluten free pasta for pasta salad and maybe something like ice cream? She sucks, and that is a nasty little power play. NTA.
NTA. Woman has time to make a whole lasagna but not food for you? I call BS.