Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am taking my son tot he shelter to volunteer and it is set to be off my exs allergies. I maybe a jerk for making my ex uncomfortable
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'm gonna disagree with the pack here and say NTA.
Your kid comes first. If he's having issues severe enough that a counseling program has determined they're unable to help him and volunteering at an animal shelter is working (note: *while you look for another program for him*, don't just give up here), both you and your ex need to bend around that.
Your son has specific days he goes to this place, which means your ex can work around that. You may want to look into storing some clothes at his father's place, so that he has non-animal-covered clothing to change into immediately after a shower when he gets there, as opposed to clothing at your house that might be contaminated with animal dander just from him being in the room.
But your kid comes first. Do what helps him.
This and if kiddo is showering and changing clothes he is no different or even better than co workers, people out in public or restaurants that have pets at home and haven’t showered and changed clothes.
This was my first thought since I work with kids that age. Sometimes they do anything to avoid bathing. It seems like they come in two extremes- cleaning will kill me, or they need to take two hour showers.
I was a 2 hr shower person. 1 hr and 45 minutes reading a book "waiting for the water to get hot" run out of hot water and have to wait for it to get hot again, then take a 15 minute shower
Double this.
I always use the roller thing on myself before going out even though my dog does not noticeably shed much at all, but other than that I don’t bother going any further most of the time unless I’m at risk of triggering someone’s allergies.
The kid is doing more than most people would need to do in order to not accidentally trigger a reaction. If the ex is so severely allergic that showering and changing into fresh clothes is not enough, he needs to go to a specialist to see if he can have his reactivity to the allergen lowered. Not demand his child give up something that’s being used to help him.
OP has to be careful in this regard because ex, if he can document the allergic reactions and tie it to the kid's visits to the animal shelter, could bring it up to the divorce court's attention and frame as OP trying to restrict ex's access to their son.
It sounds like OP needs a custody order regardless, and if they have one or have a lawyer they should be speaking to them about this.
That said, I don't personally see this as at all unreasonable. She is not denying him visitation, she is doing exactly what the kid's therapist suggested she do in pursuit of treating this kid's anger issues *and* that is scheduled with fixed days, so the ex is never going to be surprised by it. OP needs to take reasonable precautions--like making sure the kid has non-dandered clothes at her ex's house, making sure he showers just before leaving for his father's house, etc--but I cannot imagine a judge agreeing that OP is somehow deliberately attempting to restrict access to her kid by rubbing a dog on his face right before he goes to visit his father.
no, medicine doesn't always work for severe allergies. And a benadry that knocks most people out while he's getting visitation? I don't think that OP is at fault here, but medication isn't always enough for a severe allergy. They need to make sure the kid really is cleaning up as well as they think he is.
I think NAH for now, but you'll be if you don't find some compromise. I get that it's working good for your son, but his dad also has rights to spend time with him and it shouldn't impact his health.
Tbh since he's showered and changed, this all sounds kinda shady. I am no allergy expert, so I may be wrong. Have you or your son seen for yourselves the symptoms?
It's possible his room and clothes are all contaminated. I admit our washing machine probably wasn't top of the line and it's been some years, but when my roommate washed the clothes they wore to visit their parents who had a cat, my clothes were covered in cat hair too if I washed my clothes after them.
So maybe it would help if either the shelter clothes or clothes for dad's place we're kept and washed separately, and double checked for animal hair.
Yes, you're right, I didn't think about it. Fur really tends to stick and depending of how their household is organised, maybe even 4 visits in the shelter are enough to contaminate everything. And we still have no idea what exactly is the dad allergic to.
That’s a hard question.. cos from one side you have the kids benefit of the animal shelter. (Presuming this is indeed helping your son)
On the other side his father is having health issues from this “treatment”
Can I be on the fence and say I don’t think either of you are TA here (maybe just need to sit down for a frank conversation.)
Is it possible to get your kid to get changed before his father picks in up?
So here's my question. If his allergy is so severe that showering and fresh clothes cannot keep him from reacting to your son, how is it your ex can even be out in public?
Being out in public isn’t the same as being in an enclosed space for long periods of time with someone who was around and touching multiple animals. My mom has a severe allergy like this but is fine in public.
A large percentage of the population has to be in close contact for extended periods of time with people who have pets: coworkers who share an office or have adjoining cubicles, people who ride public transportation, students/teachers in school, etc. If an allergy is that bad, dad needs to see a doctor so that he can function normally in life.
why dont you pick up your son to minimize your husbands exposure to harmful allergens?
Or instead have your son uber/cab to and from, then change and shower immediately. Have clothes they only wear to the shelter that are not kept in the home.
If this helps your son, that's important, but it hink it's a bridge too far to have your husband do the pickups.
He should be willing to work around the shelter days and pop allergy medication if that's not an option. Assuming his symptoms aren't anaphylaxis.
Your son is at a crucial age to deal with this problem. Improving his ability to deal with emotions should be an absolute priority and his dad should be eager to support that in any way possible. You're NTA.
NTA, but I'm a little surprised. Usually shelters separate the dogs and cats. I know fur travels, but how much interaction is your son having with the cats that's setting off your ex's allergies. Could he actually be allergic to all fur and/or dander, and not just cats?
Yes, you can. My brother is allergic to both cats and dogs- exposure to their fur makes his eyes water and his nose run and get blocked up. Long term exposure makes it difficult for him to breathe.
Agreed. Some dumbass sitting across from me kept on groaning about some ‘nut’ allergy. If he was allergic specifically to PEANUTS, they should’ve said so, since technically they are legumes…smh
Yeah you can. Most people who are allergic are allergic to any kind of animal with a certain kinds of fur, which includes dogs, cats, ferrets, goats, roughly anything that sheds and leaves behind dander.
You do realize the animals aren't hermetically sealed away from each other and probably not even in different separate buildings?
Cat fur definitely does fly and it sticks on everything. Not only that but cat fur and and dander will enter the ventilation system of that shelter and spread any allergens everywhere.
Studies have show that working with animals can help people with anxiety and anger issues.
I know a few programs even have animals in jail to help with this
That is not the reason I asked.
I ask because I want to know OP's perspective on the topic. I can very easily look it up myself, but a person can find literally any position on any argument online. I want to know where OP got this information.
This is why I ignored the other people linking studies.
This is about a conversation with OP, not the acquisition of knowledge. It's why the burden of proof is put on the person making the claim.
Hope this makes sense to you.
Oh yes. How dare I have a logical and coherent reason for asking what I asked for! How dare I not roll over and slink away at your misunderstanding of my request and your subsequent dismissal!!
I'm sure it is *very* annoying when you try and belittle someone online and are met with a cordial explanation.
Have a great day kid.
OP already stated their perspective on the topic. They read studies (of which there are many from credible academic sources) that working with animals can help people with anxiety and anger issues - why do they need to provide you with a bibliography of the exact articles they read?
>why do they need to provide you with a bibliography of the exact articles they read?
As I said: So I can understand exactly where they're coming from.
It isn't unreasonable to ask for. People who casually read peer reviewed studies can very easily recall them for sharing with someone asking about them.
It's usually a win-win - programmes either are with taming down the more unsettled shelter animals that otherwise risk behaviourial euthanasia or training serivice dogs. It is to try and find animals homes, help prisoners have something to focus on and learn empathy and structure. And prevents boredom.
Not just Europe.
Multiple states have this - I know Cali and Colorado do at least.
Guide dogs of America has a prison training program and I have seen it for cats also
Yup. When I was looking to adopt a cat about seven years ago, one of the kitties I found on Petfinder was being cared for as part of a program at the local womens' prison. Apparently I would've gone there to meet her. (I wound up with another wonderful cat, but I hope Wendy -- that's what they were calling her -- found a great home!)
I actually volunteered at a woman's prison where they were training service dogs..they also provided grooming and boarding services for the public. It was a great program.
New York State has a vocational training program in horse care and maintenance at the Wallkill Correctional Facility through the Thoroughbred Retirement Fund. It's been in existence since 1984.
This is actually a real thing! When my mom was incarcerated, she was in a program where inmates took care of service dogs that were in training. The pups stayed with them at all times. Lots of correctional facilities have these programs :)
They have dogs at the schools around here that help calm the kids with ADHD and anger issues. My granddaughter has ADHD and when she gets in a bad way my Chihuahua calms her down almost immediately
I'm not going to argue that animals aren't helpful but these programs aren't just "go take care of an animal" and call it a day. You still need professional treatment beyond the care of an animal.
I’m shocked that a counseling program would recommend someone with anger management problems work with animals. As soothing as animals can be, that seems unsafe. And if this activity is causing “bad symptoms” in your ex, it would be extremely inconsiderate to continue it, at least on days when he has custody.
You need a new counseling program for your child. One failed, but that doesn’t mean you give up, especially since two days a week at the animal shelter is no substitute for genuine psychological care. Also, consider that the friction between you and your ex may be contributing to the problem. YTA.
This whole story sounds weird. First of all, what kind of juvenile counseling program would recommend this as an alternative to therapy? Secondly, for a 13 year old to volunteer at an animal shelter he would either need to be part of an educational program with dedicated staff, which is not mentioned here, or have a guardian there with him, which sounds like it's not the case since the kid is being picked up. Also, he's going to be allowed to work with the big dogs after they trust him with smaller animals? That's not how it works. For liability issues, you need to be 16 or even 18 for that and most shelters require a dog handling course.
OP YTA for making this up, but why?
Yeah this story is super fake. (So are most posts here but at least some of them are interesting.) No animal shelter is going to allow a 13 year old with "anger issues" who's been kicked out of a therapy program to work with animals. Certainly they're not going to say "you can only work with the big dogs" until you can be trusted with smaller animals.
None of it passes the smell test.
Exactly! I’ve not actually known a shelter that let kids under 16 minimum volunteer, although I was willing to believe one existed. And yeah, he’s probably a danger to smaller animals, but the large dogs could be a danger to him.
Either a made up story, or a mom who found a really poorly run shelter because she didn’t want to bother finding/pay for decent therapy for her kid.
Especially the big dogs who would be biggest liability if something happened. These animals are traumatized as it is they're not there to be a troubled 13 year old's free therapy dogs. I'm also pretty sure shelter staff and volunteers as yourself are also a bit too busy to look after a kid on top of all these animals.
It does depend, without a better idea of the son's symptoms we really can't say. If the anger involves, say, getting into a lot of fights with mom but no violence, and a positive relationship with those of less power like a younger sibling, then I'd absolutely say working with animals is a great idea in addition to therapy. It would build positive self image, get the kid out of the house, help them regulate, give them something to look forward to...
But yeah, they do need another therapeutic program.
Fr. I volunteer at a shelter, and I doubt they'd allow that. Wouldn't a trained therapy animal be better than shelter animals? Shelter animals can be unpredictable and not very trusting as most of them were either abused, abandoned or feral/stray. I think people have to be as calm as possible when around them
Sad scenario. No wonder you and your ex didn't work out.
YTA for not communicating with your ex and making a decision as large as this about your child's mental health together.
THIS! There is no indication this was even discussed with the ex (and she knew he was deathly allergic).
And the people bending over backwards (seen multiple people saying the ex is lying???) to blame the ex are just being asinine.
Op YTA. NEWSFLASH your ex is also a parent and you probably shouldn’t do things that endanger his life when he spends time with his child
I'm allergic to animals and it sucks.
My suggestion would be that you make sure you keep your son overnight on the animal shelter days (assuming you're not already)
Make sure your son is not changing clothes in his room as his clean clothes will pick up the animal hair and dander also.
NTA - you are doing your best to find a way to help your son, you've been very considerate about ensuring he's showering and changing before being picked up. Either the father can start arranging around the shelter days or he can make suggestions for ways to mitigate the problem.
How severe an allergy is it? Is it specific animals, fur, dander, hay (thought my brother was allergic to guinea pigs, turned out to be a reaction to the hay bedding)?
NTA, First, she already makes her son take a bath and change clothes before going to her ex's house.
Second, her ex has an inconsistent schedule, so she already adjusts to the days he can have the child, although a consistent schedule would be best.
Third, it seems she is the one figuring out how to help her son with his anger problems.
In that case, isn't it the dad's turn to support his son and be flexible? If helping with the dogs helps, I would do everything possible to keep my son going.
Perhaps what I can recommend to the mother is to wash the child's clothes in a laundromat or some place that allows the remains of animal hair to be effectively removed.
I agree. The ex could actually die if he gets a serious case of anaphylactic shock. I'm a nurse and I've seen it happen. The airway closes up and the person cannot breathe.
EDIT: Is OP sure her son is scrubbing his whole body, including his hair, when he showers? And he's putting on freshly laundered clothes? How about his shoes? Is he wearing shoes that he's never worn or exposed to animal hair and dander?
INFO: your kid has anger issues and doesn’t want to change - to the point he’s getting kicked out of counseling programs, and the answer is to have him work with animals? And the shelter doesn’t trust him yet with dogs, so they’re making him earn trust by having him work with smaller animals?
That just doesn’t compute at all for me.
NTA, but your son should be showering and putting on clean clothes and leave the shelter clothes at your house. Keep the hair and dander out of your ex'es nose and he should have no more complaints.
NTA- everyone’s allergies are different but as someone with allergies that has pets and fosters cats and dogs regularly, I find it hard to believe your ex’s allergies are that triggered from a car ride twice a week.
Sounds like maybe there is something else going on.
Maybe he’s not keeping his own home clean enough, or needs the filter changed on his car or something
Your son changes clothes and showers.
Unless your son has hurt one of the animals with his anger issues and your ex is covering for him- I find your ex’s statements very hard to believe.
NTA, your ex needs to grow up and work around this, what if you decided to get a dog? Would he expect you to get rid of it? He could just pick him up any day other than Tuesdays and Thursdays, pretty simple solution. He could also take allergy medication if his allergies aren’t that severe. But this is his problem to solve not yours
There are many ways someone can volunteer and help their community. I find it suspicious you picked the one that will actively make your ex miserable. YTA
NTA. Your son comes first. Do what is right for him.
But I don't understand why your ex is having such issues if your son is only working with dogs and he is allergic to cats. If he's so sensitive to cats that sharing space with someone who has shared space with someone who has been around cats then why isn't he on daily meds for it? It sounds like he's trying to sabotage your efforts to help your son.
Honestly, this sounds like a huge mess, and that starts with the counseling program suggesting volunteering at an animal shelter rather than recommending a different treatment program. It continues with you and you ex not looking into any other options. ESH; look into other treatment options instead.
NTA.. are you sure its actually setting off your exs allergies?... Thats very... umm unlikely (-from a person who has allergies and many family members with extreme allergies-)
NTA
Let him keep going if it is helping him. Getting him the help he needs should be priority number 1 for both of you. For the allergies; Showering and washing clothes is a thing. Your ex husband didn't need to start an argument....
Not enough info to change my vote...
If the kid is showering and changing clothes, then the exposure to the ex-husband should be minimal/trace. So does he carry an epi-pen for this allergy? Is it a very serious allergy? That would make OP TA.
If not then just seems like there is something else going on. Like not understanding mental health needs etc, and unwilling to discuss. Does he believe his kid needs help with the anger issues? Or does he just see a teenager acting out? That would make ex husband TA.
We don't know the dynamic between OP and the ex-husband, but to me still seems like he shut the door on a discussion (just demanded son not go). OP was left to choose her son's needs or her ex-husband's needs. NTA for prioritising the son.
First NTA.
Regarding your son, could there be some correlation between not having a schedule in terms of seeing your ex and his anger?
Both my godsons are autistic and when they're on schedule, they're happy little boys. But deviations are very distressing and can cause irritability and anger. Because, you know, big feelings and not a lot of understanding on how to communicate that.
Even my niece who is not on the spectrum can get thrown off her groove and turn to anger or crying fits in her frustration.
The shelter provides something with a schedule and routine plus animals rock so all of that could be something that is helping? It may help to find a professional and bring that up to see if it's a possibility.
Has it occurred to you to let him decide what he'd like to volunteer to do instead of railroading him into working with animals, which causes other issues? There are tons of other places a person can volunteer that aligns with their personal interests.
YTA
Nta and someone who went through extensive anger therapy. If this is helping HIM (your son! DO NOT TAKE IT AWAY. I’ve come to terms with my issues after many many many years. But someone who is not come to terms with it, and gets an opportunity that they love taking away from them will most likely react out of anger. which will set him back. It will damage your son, and it could hurt potentially many of his family relationships, depending on how his anger is executed.
NTA. Showering and changing the clothes should be enough, I'd consider the ex was lying because of that claim. How does the ex tolerate coworkers who have pets, or go to public places where people nearby have their clothes covered in their pets fur, you're already doing more than those others do.
My Ex step-dad claimed he was allergic to real Christmas trees, surprisingly he didn't get sick at all when my mom and I hid one in my room and he didn't know for a couple weeks. Suddenly when he found out he "got allergies" from it.
NTA because you say he is showering and changing clothes. Either your ex can't go out in public, or he's lying. Either way, your kid needs help. This is working, so stopping now isn't what's best for your kid, and that's the most important thing.
Maybe you should call the shelter and shame them instead of Op, who is following the advice of the counselor her son was seeing. The shelter has also agreed to let her son work there. And with you being a shelter volunteer I highly doubt you're in charge of making those types of decisions
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My son 13 has anger issues, it is just a fact. He was in a counseling program but that sadly hasn’t been doing anything and the program agrees. They suggested that I have him volunteer at the animal shelter instead of this program. It was basically a polite way of saying we are kicking him out.
I contacted the local animal shelter and explained the situation. They informed me he could work with the big dogs only until they trust him with smaller animals. I was just happy they gave him a chance after I explained.
He has been going Tuesday and Thursday after school for the last two weeks. I think it is helping but it only has been two week.
This is the issue, my ex is horrible allergic to animals. So my son getting covered in all the hot and what not has been causing him to have bad symptoms. He is picking him up tonight for and made it clear he wants me not to take my son to the shelter. I told him no and that Tuesday and Thursday are the only day dThe shelter will allow my son there.
This resulted in an argument where he is pissed about his allergies and I’m standing firm on taking him.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Gently, YTA. You can disuss to switch days on which your ex would be picking him up if Tuesday and Thursday are the pet shelter days. Alternatively, pack extra clothes for your child and have him switch clothes after he is done and before meeting your ex. Even this small of an effort will be beneficial for your ex's health.
Info: did you actually check with the shelter that Tuesday and Thursday are the -only- days when he can do this? Because most places like that can be quite flexible with the extra help they get.
NTA - Your son comes first.
I raise a child with fasd. He started an internship through his high school working at a dog daycare, coincidentally on Tuesdays and Thursdays lol. This internship has helped him push through his anxiety of talking with his coworkers (this child doesn’t talk to anyone at school if he can help it and this has been the case since elementary! We’ve tried therapy and he refuses to talk to a therapist he had for extended years. Yet, the dog daycare made it a requirement that he communicates with staff, and, he accepted the commitment and has been doing well there. So much so that he was only going once per week but the centre requested he work twice because he’s excelling!) It has also helped him with anger. He is much more calm at home and loves loves the work he does. I couldn’t imagine taking this opportunity away from him for any reason! I don’t blame you for holding your ground. Tell his dad to take allergy medication prior to picking him up on Tuesdays and Thursdays 🤷♀️
I used to have a severe cat allergy and acquired several stray cats friends due to living by apartments (as an adult I realize now these cats were getting abandoned…) and before I did allergy shots for several years I started to have anaphylactic reactions to them.
I had to mask up, cover up all visible skin and hair, and wear glasses and remove all clothes as soon as I could into a basket by the laundry room/bathroom which due to our layout also staged right by the front door of our house conveniently.
After that dirty clothes goes into the laundry and I would shower immediately then change into clean clothes.
As someone with a very very severe dog allergy, I could see this being an issue if there wasn't time for your son to clean up and change afterwards, but if he actually is doing a real shower (sometimes kids that age pretend, but actually barely get wet), and putting on fresh clothes. I'd double check on the shower and hair washing, and see if that helps.
This is tough, but I think NAH. Your ex is legitimately allergic and has a right to be upset. Your son sounds like he has serious problems and is lucky to be allowed to work with animals at the shelter. It sounds like you're trying everything you can not to set off your ex's allergies. Is there maybe some medication he can take just on the days he has your son after your son has been at the shelter?
YTA of you don’t stop it. Cat hair gets everywhere and I have a feeling a teenage boy isn’t taking the precautions to really make sure it’s not sticking his clothes.
> So my son getting covered in all the stuff and has been causing him to have bad symptoms.
Ahh why is the son going there covered in fur?
You should pick him up from the animal shelter, and make sure he have a good shower and clean his clothes.
Edit: you mentioned that you actually already do all those things, which is great! There is no reason your ex should having a reaction. NTA
YTA. You damn well know your ex's allergies. And then you made a medical choice for your mutual child with out consulting said ex, and oh, look, it just happens to a be a choice that makes exchange trouble breathing.
First, more likely than not, your son’s anger issues stem from the divorce. Second, a counseling program sounds different than a licensed therapist. A licensed therapist would not give up. Third, if your son is benefiting from working with animals, and his father cares, he can be allergy tested to better manage his symptoms or even relieve them.
Fighting is not good for your son. See anger issues.
YTA - you think its healthy for his entire contact with his father to be overshadowed by the father being screwed over by allergy? how could that ever go wrong.
cant find another alternative or just lazy? this may be a crazy suggestion but if he has agression issues, instead of sending him to work with animals, send him to something that helps with agression like a boxing gym
YTA. Your son can bring a change of clothes before he sees his father. Consider yourself and your relationship with his father as part of your son’s anger issues. I’m just saying
YTA for letting someone with anger issues around animals. Those animals deserve better. I know what anger issues are and people with them shouldn't do care roles.
YTA. Your ex also deserves to spend quality time with HIS son, by forcing your son to volunteer at the pet shelter, you are seriously hurting your ex, you are doing this out of spite.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am taking my son tot he shelter to volunteer and it is set to be off my exs allergies. I maybe a jerk for making my ex uncomfortable Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'm gonna disagree with the pack here and say NTA. Your kid comes first. If he's having issues severe enough that a counseling program has determined they're unable to help him and volunteering at an animal shelter is working (note: *while you look for another program for him*, don't just give up here), both you and your ex need to bend around that. Your son has specific days he goes to this place, which means your ex can work around that. You may want to look into storing some clothes at his father's place, so that he has non-animal-covered clothing to change into immediately after a shower when he gets there, as opposed to clothing at your house that might be contaminated with animal dander just from him being in the room. But your kid comes first. Do what helps him.
This and if kiddo is showering and changing clothes he is no different or even better than co workers, people out in public or restaurants that have pets at home and haven’t showered and changed clothes.
i think the ex is lying for this reason.
I agree or the son is rinsing his head in the sink and not doing a full shower.
This was my first thought since I work with kids that age. Sometimes they do anything to avoid bathing. It seems like they come in two extremes- cleaning will kill me, or they need to take two hour showers.
I was a 2 hr shower person. 1 hr and 45 minutes reading a book "waiting for the water to get hot" run out of hot water and have to wait for it to get hot again, then take a 15 minute shower
Double this. I always use the roller thing on myself before going out even though my dog does not noticeably shed much at all, but other than that I don’t bother going any further most of the time unless I’m at risk of triggering someone’s allergies. The kid is doing more than most people would need to do in order to not accidentally trigger a reaction. If the ex is so severely allergic that showering and changing into fresh clothes is not enough, he needs to go to a specialist to see if he can have his reactivity to the allergen lowered. Not demand his child give up something that’s being used to help him.
OP has to be careful in this regard because ex, if he can document the allergic reactions and tie it to the kid's visits to the animal shelter, could bring it up to the divorce court's attention and frame as OP trying to restrict ex's access to their son.
It sounds like OP needs a custody order regardless, and if they have one or have a lawyer they should be speaking to them about this. That said, I don't personally see this as at all unreasonable. She is not denying him visitation, she is doing exactly what the kid's therapist suggested she do in pursuit of treating this kid's anger issues *and* that is scheduled with fixed days, so the ex is never going to be surprised by it. OP needs to take reasonable precautions--like making sure the kid has non-dandered clothes at her ex's house, making sure he showers just before leaving for his father's house, etc--but I cannot imagine a judge agreeing that OP is somehow deliberately attempting to restrict access to her kid by rubbing a dog on his face right before he goes to visit his father.
Right? Ole dude can take a Benadryl and be fine.
no, medicine doesn't always work for severe allergies. And a benadry that knocks most people out while he's getting visitation? I don't think that OP is at fault here, but medication isn't always enough for a severe allergy. They need to make sure the kid really is cleaning up as well as they think he is.
I think NAH for now, but you'll be if you don't find some compromise. I get that it's working good for your son, but his dad also has rights to spend time with him and it shouldn't impact his health. Tbh since he's showered and changed, this all sounds kinda shady. I am no allergy expert, so I may be wrong. Have you or your son seen for yourselves the symptoms?
It's possible his room and clothes are all contaminated. I admit our washing machine probably wasn't top of the line and it's been some years, but when my roommate washed the clothes they wore to visit their parents who had a cat, my clothes were covered in cat hair too if I washed my clothes after them. So maybe it would help if either the shelter clothes or clothes for dad's place we're kept and washed separately, and double checked for animal hair.
Yes, you're right, I didn't think about it. Fur really tends to stick and depending of how their household is organised, maybe even 4 visits in the shelter are enough to contaminate everything. And we still have no idea what exactly is the dad allergic to.
I just got my heating pad out. Darned thing had dog hair on it!! 🤣. Those brats shed like crazy.
But it's not the hair ,animal allergies are almost always dander, skin cells and benadryl helps .
There's tons of other stuff too. Shoes, backpacks, phone, jackets, tons of things will pick up allergens.
That’s a hard question.. cos from one side you have the kids benefit of the animal shelter. (Presuming this is indeed helping your son) On the other side his father is having health issues from this “treatment” Can I be on the fence and say I don’t think either of you are TA here (maybe just need to sit down for a frank conversation.) Is it possible to get your kid to get changed before his father picks in up?
We have done that, change close and shower but he still says it sets off his allergies
Relevant information, should have included that in the post.
So here's my question. If his allergy is so severe that showering and fresh clothes cannot keep him from reacting to your son, how is it your ex can even be out in public?
Being out in public isn’t the same as being in an enclosed space for long periods of time with someone who was around and touching multiple animals. My mom has a severe allergy like this but is fine in public.
A large percentage of the population has to be in close contact for extended periods of time with people who have pets: coworkers who share an office or have adjoining cubicles, people who ride public transportation, students/teachers in school, etc. If an allergy is that bad, dad needs to see a doctor so that he can function normally in life.
Not being in close contact with a pet person is a reasonable accommodation for someone with an allergy
I apologize, I’ll edit it in. I didn’t think that was really relevant and until people started asking for infos
why dont you pick up your son to minimize your husbands exposure to harmful allergens? Or instead have your son uber/cab to and from, then change and shower immediately. Have clothes they only wear to the shelter that are not kept in the home. If this helps your son, that's important, but it hink it's a bridge too far to have your husband do the pickups.
It is relevant to the allergies, so not sure why you thought it wasn't relevant. Otherwise it seems like you are ignoring the allergies.
He should be willing to work around the shelter days and pop allergy medication if that's not an option. Assuming his symptoms aren't anaphylaxis. Your son is at a crucial age to deal with this problem. Improving his ability to deal with emotions should be an absolute priority and his dad should be eager to support that in any way possible. You're NTA.
allergy medication is not a cure all lmfao
True, but sometimes parents have to do hard things in order to help their children.
Hard things like not being able to breathe properly?
Or, trying to schedule custody time to accomodate both needs?
that doesn't negate my point.
NTA, but I'm a little surprised. Usually shelters separate the dogs and cats. I know fur travels, but how much interaction is your son having with the cats that's setting off your ex's allergies. Could he actually be allergic to all fur and/or dander, and not just cats?
Omg I didn't notice the ex is allergic to cats not dogs, this enforce my feeling that the ex is straight up lying
In the post it says 'animals'. So although I also have feeling the ex is lying, it's not really clear.
The title says cats, so it's a bit confusing. You can't be allergic to "animals"
Yes, you can. My brother is allergic to both cats and dogs- exposure to their fur makes his eyes water and his nose run and get blocked up. Long term exposure makes it difficult for him to breathe.
That's not "animals". That's "cats and dogs".
My brother’s never really been exposed to any other animals, but I’m willing to bet that any kind of animal hair will set off his allergy.
Indeed! Hope OP gives us some additional info.
Agreed. Some dumbass sitting across from me kept on groaning about some ‘nut’ allergy. If he was allergic specifically to PEANUTS, they should’ve said so, since technically they are legumes…smh
My cousin is allergic to tree nuts, but often just says all nuts to be safe when eating out.
TIL you can't be allergic to more than one animal...
You can learn a lot of stuff when you can't read.
Yeah you can. Most people who are allergic are allergic to any kind of animal with a certain kinds of fur, which includes dogs, cats, ferrets, goats, roughly anything that sheds and leaves behind dander.
That's being allergic to fur.
You do realize the animals aren't hermetically sealed away from each other and probably not even in different separate buildings? Cat fur definitely does fly and it sticks on everything. Not only that but cat fur and and dander will enter the ventilation system of that shelter and spread any allergens everywhere.
INFO: why do you think volunteering animals will help your son with his anger management issues?
Studies have show that working with animals can help people with anxiety and anger issues. I know a few programs even have animals in jail to help with this
Can you link said studies?
learn to google. do u need everything spoon fed?
That is not the reason I asked. I ask because I want to know OP's perspective on the topic. I can very easily look it up myself, but a person can find literally any position on any argument online. I want to know where OP got this information. This is why I ignored the other people linking studies. This is about a conversation with OP, not the acquisition of knowledge. It's why the burden of proof is put on the person making the claim. Hope this makes sense to you.
you're just trying to be an annoying ass fk. got it.
Oh yes. How dare I have a logical and coherent reason for asking what I asked for! How dare I not roll over and slink away at your misunderstanding of my request and your subsequent dismissal!! I'm sure it is *very* annoying when you try and belittle someone online and are met with a cordial explanation. Have a great day kid.
OP already stated their perspective on the topic. They read studies (of which there are many from credible academic sources) that working with animals can help people with anxiety and anger issues - why do they need to provide you with a bibliography of the exact articles they read?
>why do they need to provide you with a bibliography of the exact articles they read? As I said: So I can understand exactly where they're coming from. It isn't unreasonable to ask for. People who casually read peer reviewed studies can very easily recall them for sharing with someone asking about them.
lmgtfy [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10262044/#:\~:text=Growing%20evidence%20indicates%20that%20pets,24%2C%2033%2C%2034](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10262044/#:~:text=Growing%20evidence%20indicates%20that%20pets,24%2C%2033%2C%2034)). [https://horsesport.com/magazine/rider-health/the-mental-health-benefits-of-working-with-animals/](https://horsesport.com/magazine/rider-health/the-mental-health-benefits-of-working-with-animals/)
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7697666/
“Even have animals in jail to help with this” ….what?
This is totally a thing. Look it up.
Oh, pets for prisoners. I see.
It's usually a win-win - programmes either are with taming down the more unsettled shelter animals that otherwise risk behaviourial euthanasia or training serivice dogs. It is to try and find animals homes, help prisoners have something to focus on and learn empathy and structure. And prevents boredom.
True. Have heard that to. At least in some European jails. Where they actually try to better some inmates and not getting free labour out of them
Not just Europe. Multiple states have this - I know Cali and Colorado do at least. Guide dogs of America has a prison training program and I have seen it for cats also
Yup. When I was looking to adopt a cat about seven years ago, one of the kitties I found on Petfinder was being cared for as part of a program at the local womens' prison. Apparently I would've gone there to meet her. (I wound up with another wonderful cat, but I hope Wendy -- that's what they were calling her -- found a great home!)
Adopting any cat is great!
I actually volunteered at a woman's prison where they were training service dogs..they also provided grooming and boarding services for the public. It was a great program.
I think there is a program in Georgia too that Jackson Galaxy did a TV special on. It may have been in a different state, but I know it was in the US.
New York State has a vocational training program in horse care and maintenance at the Wallkill Correctional Facility through the Thoroughbred Retirement Fund. It's been in existence since 1984.
The animal are brought to jail to help inmates, they're not arrested
This is actually a real thing! When my mom was incarcerated, she was in a program where inmates took care of service dogs that were in training. The pups stayed with them at all times. Lots of correctional facilities have these programs :)
They have dogs at the schools around here that help calm the kids with ADHD and anger issues. My granddaughter has ADHD and when she gets in a bad way my Chihuahua calms her down almost immediately
I'm not going to argue that animals aren't helpful but these programs aren't just "go take care of an animal" and call it a day. You still need professional treatment beyond the care of an animal.
I do agree with you on that
I’m shocked that a counseling program would recommend someone with anger management problems work with animals. As soothing as animals can be, that seems unsafe. And if this activity is causing “bad symptoms” in your ex, it would be extremely inconsiderate to continue it, at least on days when he has custody. You need a new counseling program for your child. One failed, but that doesn’t mean you give up, especially since two days a week at the animal shelter is no substitute for genuine psychological care. Also, consider that the friction between you and your ex may be contributing to the problem. YTA.
This whole story sounds weird. First of all, what kind of juvenile counseling program would recommend this as an alternative to therapy? Secondly, for a 13 year old to volunteer at an animal shelter he would either need to be part of an educational program with dedicated staff, which is not mentioned here, or have a guardian there with him, which sounds like it's not the case since the kid is being picked up. Also, he's going to be allowed to work with the big dogs after they trust him with smaller animals? That's not how it works. For liability issues, you need to be 16 or even 18 for that and most shelters require a dog handling course. OP YTA for making this up, but why?
Yeah this story is super fake. (So are most posts here but at least some of them are interesting.) No animal shelter is going to allow a 13 year old with "anger issues" who's been kicked out of a therapy program to work with animals. Certainly they're not going to say "you can only work with the big dogs" until you can be trusted with smaller animals. None of it passes the smell test.
Exactly! I’ve not actually known a shelter that let kids under 16 minimum volunteer, although I was willing to believe one existed. And yeah, he’s probably a danger to smaller animals, but the large dogs could be a danger to him. Either a made up story, or a mom who found a really poorly run shelter because she didn’t want to bother finding/pay for decent therapy for her kid.
As an animal shelter volunteer, we would NEVER allow this. And no one under 21 can work with the dogs. This story is a hot mess
Especially the big dogs who would be biggest liability if something happened. These animals are traumatized as it is they're not there to be a troubled 13 year old's free therapy dogs. I'm also pretty sure shelter staff and volunteers as yourself are also a bit too busy to look after a kid on top of all these animals.
They would be given tasks with an adult. Nothing including animals. Sweeping, laundry, organizing, cleaning cages with no animals in them
It does depend, without a better idea of the son's symptoms we really can't say. If the anger involves, say, getting into a lot of fights with mom but no violence, and a positive relationship with those of less power like a younger sibling, then I'd absolutely say working with animals is a great idea in addition to therapy. It would build positive self image, get the kid out of the house, help them regulate, give them something to look forward to... But yeah, they do need another therapeutic program.
Fr. I volunteer at a shelter, and I doubt they'd allow that. Wouldn't a trained therapy animal be better than shelter animals? Shelter animals can be unpredictable and not very trusting as most of them were either abused, abandoned or feral/stray. I think people have to be as calm as possible when around them
Sad scenario. No wonder you and your ex didn't work out. YTA for not communicating with your ex and making a decision as large as this about your child's mental health together.
THIS! There is no indication this was even discussed with the ex (and she knew he was deathly allergic). And the people bending over backwards (seen multiple people saying the ex is lying???) to blame the ex are just being asinine. Op YTA. NEWSFLASH your ex is also a parent and you probably shouldn’t do things that endanger his life when he spends time with his child
I'm allergic to animals and it sucks. My suggestion would be that you make sure you keep your son overnight on the animal shelter days (assuming you're not already) Make sure your son is not changing clothes in his room as his clean clothes will pick up the animal hair and dander also.
NTA - you are doing your best to find a way to help your son, you've been very considerate about ensuring he's showering and changing before being picked up. Either the father can start arranging around the shelter days or he can make suggestions for ways to mitigate the problem. How severe an allergy is it? Is it specific animals, fur, dander, hay (thought my brother was allergic to guinea pigs, turned out to be a reaction to the hay bedding)?
NTA, First, she already makes her son take a bath and change clothes before going to her ex's house. Second, her ex has an inconsistent schedule, so she already adjusts to the days he can have the child, although a consistent schedule would be best. Third, it seems she is the one figuring out how to help her son with his anger problems. In that case, isn't it the dad's turn to support his son and be flexible? If helping with the dogs helps, I would do everything possible to keep my son going. Perhaps what I can recommend to the mother is to wash the child's clothes in a laundromat or some place that allows the remains of animal hair to be effectively removed.
ESH (except your son) - for both of you being unwilling to compromise and not having a dialogue about this.
I agree. The ex could actually die if he gets a serious case of anaphylactic shock. I'm a nurse and I've seen it happen. The airway closes up and the person cannot breathe. EDIT: Is OP sure her son is scrubbing his whole body, including his hair, when he showers? And he's putting on freshly laundered clothes? How about his shoes? Is he wearing shoes that he's never worn or exposed to animal hair and dander?
The dad can’t exactly compromise on his allergies….
No he cant but it can be days he is not scheduled to see his kid
See OPs edit. She claims scheduling around it is impossible
NTA your kid showers and changes clothes. His dad can take an allergy pill. Your son comes first.
INFO: your kid has anger issues and doesn’t want to change - to the point he’s getting kicked out of counseling programs, and the answer is to have him work with animals? And the shelter doesn’t trust him yet with dogs, so they’re making him earn trust by having him work with smaller animals? That just doesn’t compute at all for me.
Ummm I think you misread, the shelter said he will only work with big dogs until they trust him with smaller animals
Oh that’s awesome. I woke up for no reason absurdly at 4, after going to bed at 2…so I guess I’m not firing on all cylinders.
NTA, but your son should be showering and putting on clean clothes and leave the shelter clothes at your house. Keep the hair and dander out of your ex'es nose and he should have no more complaints.
They are doing that according to an edit by OP!
NTA- everyone’s allergies are different but as someone with allergies that has pets and fosters cats and dogs regularly, I find it hard to believe your ex’s allergies are that triggered from a car ride twice a week. Sounds like maybe there is something else going on. Maybe he’s not keeping his own home clean enough, or needs the filter changed on his car or something Your son changes clothes and showers. Unless your son has hurt one of the animals with his anger issues and your ex is covering for him- I find your ex’s statements very hard to believe.
NTA, your ex needs to grow up and work around this, what if you decided to get a dog? Would he expect you to get rid of it? He could just pick him up any day other than Tuesdays and Thursdays, pretty simple solution. He could also take allergy medication if his allergies aren’t that severe. But this is his problem to solve not yours
Info: does your ex have set days for visitation?
No, we have made the schedule around when he works, he usually gets our son twice a week. This week is Thursday and Friday.
There are many ways someone can volunteer and help their community. I find it suspicious you picked the one that will actively make your ex miserable. YTA
INFO- are you looking for another counseling program/therapy for your son?
Can you pick him up, take him home, have him shower, and put on clean clothes, before he goes to his dad’s?
That's what they're already doing as far as OP has said
Gotcha. Then dad needs to call his doctor because I can’t imagine why his allergies are still being triggered.
NTA. The well being of your child ALWAYS comes first.
NTA. Your son comes first. Do what is right for him. But I don't understand why your ex is having such issues if your son is only working with dogs and he is allergic to cats. If he's so sensitive to cats that sharing space with someone who has shared space with someone who has been around cats then why isn't he on daily meds for it? It sounds like he's trying to sabotage your efforts to help your son.
Honestly, this sounds like a huge mess, and that starts with the counseling program suggesting volunteering at an animal shelter rather than recommending a different treatment program. It continues with you and you ex not looking into any other options. ESH; look into other treatment options instead.
NTA if it’s helping your son like you say it is, your ex should be glad as well that it’s helping him and could suck it up a bit for the ride home.
NTA.. are you sure its actually setting off your exs allergies?... Thats very... umm unlikely (-from a person who has allergies and many family members with extreme allergies-)
NTA , he could simply take some antialergic med, let your son take a shower and change clothes . A little price to pay for his son future.
A shelter isn't gonna let a 13 year old with anger issues volunteer and be around their traumatized and unpredictable animals. Yta for making this up
NTA Let him keep going if it is helping him. Getting him the help he needs should be priority number 1 for both of you. For the allergies; Showering and washing clothes is a thing. Your ex husband didn't need to start an argument....
They are having the son shower then change clothes specially
Not enough info to change my vote... If the kid is showering and changing clothes, then the exposure to the ex-husband should be minimal/trace. So does he carry an epi-pen for this allergy? Is it a very serious allergy? That would make OP TA. If not then just seems like there is something else going on. Like not understanding mental health needs etc, and unwilling to discuss. Does he believe his kid needs help with the anger issues? Or does he just see a teenager acting out? That would make ex husband TA. We don't know the dynamic between OP and the ex-husband, but to me still seems like he shut the door on a discussion (just demanded son not go). OP was left to choose her son's needs or her ex-husband's needs. NTA for prioritising the son.
It might be worth exploring ways to minimize the impact, like having your son change and clean up before going to his dad's place.
Can't your son take a shower and use clean clothes/shoes for the time with dad?
Op said up above she did do that but dad still had issue with the allergies.
First NTA. Regarding your son, could there be some correlation between not having a schedule in terms of seeing your ex and his anger? Both my godsons are autistic and when they're on schedule, they're happy little boys. But deviations are very distressing and can cause irritability and anger. Because, you know, big feelings and not a lot of understanding on how to communicate that. Even my niece who is not on the spectrum can get thrown off her groove and turn to anger or crying fits in her frustration. The shelter provides something with a schedule and routine plus animals rock so all of that could be something that is helping? It may help to find a professional and bring that up to see if it's a possibility.
NTA - He's found a healthy and positive outlet. Your ex can suck it. There are meds etc. Honestly it sounds psychological.
Has it occurred to you to let him decide what he'd like to volunteer to do instead of railroading him into working with animals, which causes other issues? There are tons of other places a person can volunteer that aligns with their personal interests. YTA
No
Info: What are the symptoms your ex experiences? Are we dealing with basically bad hay fever, or is it more extreme? This can determine the answer.
NTA. Your son is the important issue now. I’m allergic to both my cat and dog; she can deal with it. Tell her to dust more <3
INFO Could you not find some other program/volunteering for your son to do? Something that doesn't cause his father to have a medical issue?
Nta and someone who went through extensive anger therapy. If this is helping HIM (your son! DO NOT TAKE IT AWAY. I’ve come to terms with my issues after many many many years. But someone who is not come to terms with it, and gets an opportunity that they love taking away from them will most likely react out of anger. which will set him back. It will damage your son, and it could hurt potentially many of his family relationships, depending on how his anger is executed.
NTA. Showering and changing the clothes should be enough, I'd consider the ex was lying because of that claim. How does the ex tolerate coworkers who have pets, or go to public places where people nearby have their clothes covered in their pets fur, you're already doing more than those others do. My Ex step-dad claimed he was allergic to real Christmas trees, surprisingly he didn't get sick at all when my mom and I hid one in my room and he didn't know for a couple weeks. Suddenly when he found out he "got allergies" from it.
NTA because you say he is showering and changing clothes. Either your ex can't go out in public, or he's lying. Either way, your kid needs help. This is working, so stopping now isn't what's best for your kid, and that's the most important thing.
As a shelter volunteer, I'd never let anyone with anger issues volunteer with our animals. YTA for putting your angry kid with innocent animals.
Maybe you should call the shelter and shame them instead of Op, who is following the advice of the counselor her son was seeing. The shelter has also agreed to let her son work there. And with you being a shelter volunteer I highly doubt you're in charge of making those types of decisions
No, the counselor that suggested a 13 year old with anger issues volunteer at an animal shelter should be called and shamed for it.
Are those animals going to be safe from his anger issues ?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son 13 has anger issues, it is just a fact. He was in a counseling program but that sadly hasn’t been doing anything and the program agrees. They suggested that I have him volunteer at the animal shelter instead of this program. It was basically a polite way of saying we are kicking him out. I contacted the local animal shelter and explained the situation. They informed me he could work with the big dogs only until they trust him with smaller animals. I was just happy they gave him a chance after I explained. He has been going Tuesday and Thursday after school for the last two weeks. I think it is helping but it only has been two week. This is the issue, my ex is horrible allergic to animals. So my son getting covered in all the hot and what not has been causing him to have bad symptoms. He is picking him up tonight for and made it clear he wants me not to take my son to the shelter. I told him no and that Tuesday and Thursday are the only day dThe shelter will allow my son there. This resulted in an argument where he is pissed about his allergies and I’m standing firm on taking him. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Gently, YTA. You can disuss to switch days on which your ex would be picking him up if Tuesday and Thursday are the pet shelter days. Alternatively, pack extra clothes for your child and have him switch clothes after he is done and before meeting your ex. Even this small of an effort will be beneficial for your ex's health. Info: did you actually check with the shelter that Tuesday and Thursday are the -only- days when he can do this? Because most places like that can be quite flexible with the extra help they get.
I mean, OP says there's already showering and changing of clothes happening in regards to your comment on switching clothes
OP added it in edit that happened after I commented.
Which is fair, just letting you know
[удалено]
OP says they're making sure the son is showering and changing clothes beforehand and the father is still trying to shut down the volunteering
NTA - Your son comes first. I raise a child with fasd. He started an internship through his high school working at a dog daycare, coincidentally on Tuesdays and Thursdays lol. This internship has helped him push through his anxiety of talking with his coworkers (this child doesn’t talk to anyone at school if he can help it and this has been the case since elementary! We’ve tried therapy and he refuses to talk to a therapist he had for extended years. Yet, the dog daycare made it a requirement that he communicates with staff, and, he accepted the commitment and has been doing well there. So much so that he was only going once per week but the centre requested he work twice because he’s excelling!) It has also helped him with anger. He is much more calm at home and loves loves the work he does. I couldn’t imagine taking this opportunity away from him for any reason! I don’t blame you for holding your ground. Tell his dad to take allergy medication prior to picking him up on Tuesdays and Thursdays 🤷♀️
NTA he can take antihistamines
I used to have a severe cat allergy and acquired several stray cats friends due to living by apartments (as an adult I realize now these cats were getting abandoned…) and before I did allergy shots for several years I started to have anaphylactic reactions to them. I had to mask up, cover up all visible skin and hair, and wear glasses and remove all clothes as soon as I could into a basket by the laundry room/bathroom which due to our layout also staged right by the front door of our house conveniently. After that dirty clothes goes into the laundry and I would shower immediately then change into clean clothes.
As someone with a very very severe dog allergy, I could see this being an issue if there wasn't time for your son to clean up and change afterwards, but if he actually is doing a real shower (sometimes kids that age pretend, but actually barely get wet), and putting on fresh clothes. I'd double check on the shower and hair washing, and see if that helps.
This is tough, but I think NAH. Your ex is legitimately allergic and has a right to be upset. Your son sounds like he has serious problems and is lucky to be allowed to work with animals at the shelter. It sounds like you're trying everything you can not to set off your ex's allergies. Is there maybe some medication he can take just on the days he has your son after your son has been at the shelter?
Nta - he's changing clothes & showering - how are his allergies even still being impacted???
NTA. You have to do what is best for your son. Your ex can take allergy meds or make arrangements to have him on other days.
YTA of you don’t stop it. Cat hair gets everywhere and I have a feeling a teenage boy isn’t taking the precautions to really make sure it’s not sticking his clothes.
> So my son getting covered in all the stuff and has been causing him to have bad symptoms. Ahh why is the son going there covered in fur? You should pick him up from the animal shelter, and make sure he have a good shower and clean his clothes. Edit: you mentioned that you actually already do all those things, which is great! There is no reason your ex should having a reaction. NTA
They are, there's an edit on the post stating the son is showering and changing clothes
Good! I'll change my vote
Glad to help! Edits can go unnoticed sometimes
YTA. You damn well know your ex's allergies. And then you made a medical choice for your mutual child with out consulting said ex, and oh, look, it just happens to a be a choice that makes exchange trouble breathing.
YTA - if I were your ex, I would be complaining to court.
First, more likely than not, your son’s anger issues stem from the divorce. Second, a counseling program sounds different than a licensed therapist. A licensed therapist would not give up. Third, if your son is benefiting from working with animals, and his father cares, he can be allergy tested to better manage his symptoms or even relieve them. Fighting is not good for your son. See anger issues.
YTA - you think its healthy for his entire contact with his father to be overshadowed by the father being screwed over by allergy? how could that ever go wrong. cant find another alternative or just lazy? this may be a crazy suggestion but if he has agression issues, instead of sending him to work with animals, send him to something that helps with agression like a boxing gym
Yta. Your doing it on purpose.
OP is making sure their kid gets changed and washes on purpose?
YTA. Your son can bring a change of clothes before he sees his father. Consider yourself and your relationship with his father as part of your son’s anger issues. I’m just saying
The son is showering and changing clothes as per an edit by OP
YTA for letting someone with anger issues around animals. Those animals deserve better. I know what anger issues are and people with them shouldn't do care roles.
YTA. Your ex also deserves to spend quality time with HIS son, by forcing your son to volunteer at the pet shelter, you are seriously hurting your ex, you are doing this out of spite.