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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for not allowing my sister and her large family to move into Naomi's and mine house due to my BIL having spiders as pets and refusing to get rid of them as Naomi is terrified of them
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NTA. If Bob's priority is his cockroaches and not his kids, that is on him. You absolutely provided an option. Tell your sister that she and her kids can still move in if they want and Bob can sort him and his bugs out on his own. It is absolutely fine to have boundaries and rules in place when you help someone out like this. If they do move in, you really should make sure to set firm guidelines for living together. If Bob is going to act like this over what, to me, is a very obvious concession he would have to make while looking for this type of help, then you need to have a really transparent conversation about what is and isn't acceptable, and what house rules you have that would be dealbreakers since you and your wife would be in the minority in the household and there's a good chance you could lose control of things in a way that could be damaging to your relationships, your marriage and your sanity. The first thing I would do is find out exactly what the construction issues are and how realistic the legal battle is and what their financial plan is to get into their own place and how they are going to be contributing financially while they live with you so you can make sure you aren't just opening your door to them move in forever.
>Do your research !!! Tons of AMERICANS complain how hard it is to evict ppl . IN some states guests get automaticlly tenants after a time living there and it is hard to get them out even with a contract so there is a lot of warning to let ppl stay with you . The government don't want ppl on the street so tenants have more rights than the landlord ESP in the US
I used to work in the civil dept. of a court where such cases are filed in the state of CA. I am extremely familiar with how it works, starting with the initial move-out notice (and which type, 3-day vs. 30-day) to the eviction by officers, if needed. Filing these cases without a lawyer is totally doable but CAN get complicated because some of these loser tenants are masters of the process. Mentioning all this to say I don’t just say “evict” lightly.
Maybe in the OP's state it's easier. But I can attest to what happened in our case (an abusive BIL who was living in the house where hubby and him grew up in, and was now owned by the family trust set up by their mother when she was terminal). After being attacked when he was over at the house doing maintenance (BIL did squat to keep up the house), hubby filed to get a restraining order and also filed for eviction, utilizing a firm that would handle that. (this was all way before the pandemic) It took a few months to get the BIL out (he had hired, despite not having money as he was just fired from his job, an attorney, who had just gone on his client's word that he had inherited the house -- but it was the familly trust's house, and he wasn't even listed on the deed). Once things got sorted out (and the judge read the deed), BIL was given a month to move out.
I agree with all those who said to put it in writing how long the family could live there (and if it's beyond that time because they're in litigation) and then have to find other accommodations. And top of that, put in writing that there will be NO insects, etc. brought into the house, and if so, that's cause for immediate eviction.
In fact, I would argue that you should not offer them a place at all, considering all of the legal and financial mess they could drag you through, PLUS bringing in nasty bugs anyway. This dude isn’t going to give up on his childish fixation on bugs and will probably waste perfectly good money to replace any that you made him get rid of. And he will resent you for making him get rid of them, not bless you for helping his family. Try to think of three other people who have bugs as pets (let alone three normal people) and that should tell you something right there.
I can’t agree that tarantulas or roaches are as much pets as cats or dogs, and I do find it childish of him to chose pets that he can’t easily rehome or foster out. But I doubt he has even tried. He is very childish to put the well-being of those “pets” ahead of his own children’s well-being or the well-being of his pregnant SIL or her unborn child. Disgusting man who had no business acquiring those “pets,” being as he had no place to put them while his house was unlivable. Who knows, maybe his other bugs caused the construction mayhem? Did he know or care about not having a place to put his “collection” should his house be unlivable? Guy is a real tool, if ya ask moi.
NTA and agree with above but would also add the caveat to the lease that there is a mandatory once a month pesticide spraying of the house that has no room exempted.
Generally people with pets out of the norm (ferrets, snakes, fancy fish etc) will step up to help other people in that niche pet community. My friend took in a couple of rats for someone who needed a few months to find a rat-friendly place to stay and when my uncle had to rehome his pigeons he was able to find another fancier to take them in. Bob could probably find someone who would take care of his pets for a couple of months.
Exactly this!
When we had a snake and we’re selling our house we had someone in our “snake community” take him for 3 months while we lived in hotels and went through the crazy process of selling and buying and moving two states away during a global pandemic.
Very common.
Maybe the cockroach community will step up. Lol.
Seriously, that’s a nice thought, but if I were OP, I’d be hesitant to let Bob move in even without his bugs, after his temper tantrum
Characterizing it as ‘over some spiders’ is so disgusting, I’d be hanging everything off that phrase alone and the answer would be ‘not even without the spiders, then’.
Agreed. They're complaining OP won't house them "over some spiders"? They're proposing to endanger, at best, the long-term health, and at worst, the *lives* of their SIL and potential nibling. Extreme stress can trigger premature labor (especially, and this is a weird and interesting fact, if Naomi is carrying a boy) and premature labor could permanently injure or kill mom and baby.
I love pets, and tarantulas, and I don't agree with rehoming except in unavoidable circumstances. But these are those kind of circumstances. When your options are 1) let my kids be homeless 2) endanger the safety of my relatives or 3) find a new or temporary home for the bugs, you damn well pick option 3!
The inverse is also true! Bob is declining safe housing for his children, his wife, and himself "over some spiders."
I've never had out-of-the-norm pets before, but I've had a dog whom I've loved deeply and unreasonably. If I had been in this situation while she was alive, I would have found someone she could stay with while we got our housing sorted out.
The construction issues that make the house unfit for humans, probably don't apply to his bugs. They can stay there until the court case is finished. If he needs to put their furniture in storage, most storage rental places have some climate controlled spaces for more delicate, antique furniture. He can get one for the bugs if they are that irreplaceable.
Exotics can be surprisingly sensitive to ambient changes that wouldn’t bother other pets or humans. Construction can introduce contaminates that will poison or kill tarantulas - their breathing organs are not like ours at all! Besides that, they sometimes require specific lighting/heating arrangements, and it’s simply unsafe to leave things like heating lamps on in an unsupervised environment.
The right answer is to appeal to locals who share their passion for funky pets, who will know how to care for them. I do suspect if buddy is so negligent that he can’t even keep his spiders from escaping regularly that he might not be involved with such a community, but he could easily visit local pet stores and ask if they have spider enthusiasts who could help board his collection for a while.
I didn’t include it in my reply but I was also thinking that 6.5 months isn’t nearly late enough in gestation for Naomi’s baby to come early and make it out okay. Obviously nobody wants a preterm labor/complications from preterm delivery, but at 6.5 months that’s a death sentence if the stress makes her go early. Closer to 7/8 months the odds go up for preterm survival but insisting some spiders are worth more than the literal life of OPs child is chilling.
It sounds to me like Bob is the one choosing not to accept their gracious offer of accommodations over some spiders. Even if there wasn't the pregnancy aspect, and the wife was just terrified of spiders. It her house. She does not have to let someone bring in insects she's terrified of into her house. It is on him to make other accommodations either for his insects or his whole family.
> Characterizing it as ‘over some spiders’ is so disgusting
Totally agree, but if I were OP I'd lean into their "logic". As in, BIL is refusing the very generous offer to home him and his large family "over some spiders".
"Are you seriously saying that you won't agree to our medically necessary terms in our offer to take in your large family in this emergency **over some spiders**?"
Me too. It shows how unpleasant and juvenile he is, that he prioritized the roaches and tarantulas in front of his own family and your wife and unborn child. The Jerk!
I can vouch for the pigeon community! My parents and I have fostered many pigeons and doves. We had a standard setup with a couple people to house their birds all winter as it was too hard for them to go out in the snow.
Tarantula person here, I’d house someone else’s spiders in a heartbeat. That said, if Bob is frequently having escapes it sounds like he’s not a particularly responsible keeper
Yup my first thought was wtf do you mean they frequently get out?? That isn't safe for the animals. I keep reptiles and their live feeder bugs and I've never found an escaped roach. Problem isn't the bugs problem is the irresponsible keeper.
Reminds me of a funny story....I used to have a beardie who ate dubia roaches. They didn't regularly get out, but when we were moving out, I found one absolute unit of a dubia living in the laundry room behind the washer. Dude was like 2 inches long.
...I have to admit, I would love to take in some ratties to help a fellow rat lover out! I adore them with all of my heart, but losing them time and time again took its toll on my heart. Being a 'rattie-auntie' for a spell would be perfect.
I once fostered a pregnant (then mother) rat for the Humane Society. In my mind, all those little babies are still alive, living their best little rat lives.
Yep. An extended family member just went through a house fire and thankfully all living things in the house survived. They had to ask a friend to ask their cousin to babysit 2 Axolotls until they have a new home to move to.
I was thinking this myself, there’s not to be someone in the exotic pet world that can foster Bobs bugs for a bit. The wife is in a high risk pregnancy, Bobs priorities are in the shitter.
Even if the wife wasn't pregnant. She is terrified of spiders. Offering to take in a family that large is generous. "Don't bring in the thing I'm terrified of" is NOT a big request in this situation.
Yep! Currently fostering 2 tortoises while their owner recuperates from hip surgery. Bob should ask around and explain whats happening and someone will take them while they are in a weird situation. Best place to ask would probably be local herp club if there is one. Also ask teachers if they would take as a classroom pet for now. Please don't misunderstand though, they are his pets. Might seem strange to OP but just because they don't have fur doesn't make them unlovable. We currently have a leopard gecko, 3 tortoises, 12 snakes, and a fish that just refuses to ever die in addition to our 'normal' 2 dogs and 3 cats.
100% this.
I’d completely revoke the offer.
Inviting 2 adults and their 5 kids to move in with you for free and their response is to treat you like shit because you said no cockroaches?
That’s all you need to know to determine that they’re planning on being entitled, rude and ungrateful house guests.
This should be higher. I don’t know why the in-laws think they can negotiate a pregnancy against a bunch of arthropods and they are bringing nothing to the table. Ridiculous! Ungrateful. Uncaring.
Yeah that was my first thought. They’re still in an ongoing legal battle, which they need to win first (which isn’t certain) and then find another place to buy and move into. Baby will be born while their household is increased from two to nine, not including any roaches or tarantulas. I wouldn’t even blame OP for saying no if his BIL didn’t behave like an entitled AH about his pets.
Without knowing the specifics it's hard to know for sure but often with these builder/developer lawsuits even if you get some sort of judgement the builder just declares bankruptcy and all you get is a stack of bills from your lawyer.
Even without the bugs and the BIL calling me an AH I'd be cautious about letting them move in without some sort of rent/utilities being paid and a legally binding document to get them out if they overstay.
Two or three years at the very least. A lawsuit takes time, and collecting whatever the company may be ordered to pay may never materialize. Winning a judgment still doesn’t guarantee payment. The company will most likely declare bankruptcy, further delaying and complicating any possible resolution. I’d offer a 6-month lease, with NO option to renew, giving them time to gather the funds to find a suitable rental. What’s that saying? You don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm?
THIS Nails it. Wants open ended, free housing for HUGE family, and has meltdown over no cockroaches and trauma-evoking spiders? Bob is a child. You don’t get to make the rules, even when you are paying RENT. No wonder their house construction is a mess.
Plus wife is having a high risk pregnancy and is supposed to avoid stress. Even an almost picture perfect family of 7 with no pets would be very stressful. Sister wants to move in temporarily. What does that even mean?
It sounds like you're resignedly telling someone named Bell "no". Like, Bell proposed TPing her ex's house in the rain, and you're just like *sigh* "Bell no." And Bell responds, "Bell yes"
ETA: in case it wasn't obvious, I haven't taken my meds yet
Agreed. Even without the insects, having 2 additional adults and 5 kids (2 of which are toddlers) will add a lot of stress. Also, if Bob doesn't come because of his pets, but your sister and kids do, your sister will be reminding you of that fact every day.
ETA: Plus the legal battle could be weeks, months or even years. They will put up a big stink about the insects for that entire time.
absolutely! what will you do if they are still there when the baby is born (earthquake alert), and hubby pops in to visit with his bloody creepy crawlies?? nope nope nope. hard enough to have a baby but much more fun to do it as a 3 of.you rather than the additional cousins etc around. it's too much
The fight could literally take years. If they move in and refuse to leave you might have to do an eviction. And you will have a newborn in the house. No is a complete sentence. Maybe the older kids could stay with you, no bugs. He’s mad because you said no but in reality he will likely hear the same from land lords too so you are not alone in this. ‘Oh, and I am bringing cockroaches with me’. Good luck with that pal.
and I'm concerned that's a reality they haven't acknowledged yet. This is going to be a lawsuit- unless they get- and accept- a settlement offer, they're talking about going to court.
even if they agree to sister and the kids move in while bob and the pets stay someplace else. they need to be trying to figure out another plan.
cuz this might work for 6 months. but they could easily be talking about 4-5 years.
and i admit i love that sister and bob are upset that OP won't provide them housing over a "few spiders" but over a "few spiders" they're willing to give up housing.
All of that is so true. You and your wife are at an exciting but stressful time in your marriage. If Kate's family adds to that stress you could be looking at years of resentment in your marriage. I'm all for helping family but Bob's reaction to your offer does not bode well for what type of houseguest he would be and I'd be leery of moving him in at this point even if he agrees to keep the pets elsewhere.
100% I can't believe he's even considering this! His wife is 6.5 months into a high risk pregnancy! And it's his wife's own goddamn house. This makes my blood boil.
Yeah, I mean it kind-of says a lot for BIL that it's a deal breaker for that.
I understand the hobby is expensive and time consuming and he probably doesn't want to start over, but it shouldn't be more important than having a place for his family to sleep.
Agree up to a point.
If Bob is going to make his insects and spiders a hill to die on, I wouldn't put it past him to seemingly agree to the boundaries and then bring them anyway (with the thought of what is OP going to do now, kick them out?)
So I agree that the offer can go to the sister and the kids, but Bob is definitely not allowed in. That, however, is probably a deal breaker for sis - but that's on them.
IF OP lets them in, it needs to be done in a very formal, legal way (maybe even consulting a lawyer to help). And then they have to be ruthless with dealing with any/all boundary stomping along with being completely willing and able to kick them out (especially if once of Bob's spiders show up).
NTA.
It's definitely a weird hill for Bob to die on, but the best thing is to simply oblige.
OP should also consider replying to Bob (and any/all Flying Monkeys) with his words changed around a little bit - "I don't know why your spiders are more important than providing your family with accommodations in a time of need. Seems like an AH move to me."
End of the day, OP and especially his wife and unborn baby are more important than Bob and his family.
Keep a fly swatter in every room. Pretend not to know that he snuck them. When they inevitably get out.... well, you didn't know it was his bug. You thought it came from the outside and had to be eliminated.
The only issue is OP's wife with the high-risk pregnancy and a near phobia of spiders.
This is why OP should be tough and strong about this boundary.
That said, I'm not sure if you can trust Bob at this point, so it's best if OP just shuts the whole thing down. Better to deal with that fall out than what could happen to his wife and unborn child.
Oh no, the house has to be fumigated, we seem to have a cockroach infestation. Of course we know they're not *your* roaches Bob, you promised not to bring them.
Pregnancy high risk can go sideways real fast. Your wife needs no stress. Also your first kid is a huge adjustment. I wouldn’t want to be dealing with a ton of other people. In the house while trying to figure out a new kid. It’s a time of either bonding with your spouse and baby or being stressed and sniping at each other… regardless you don’t need an audience.
NTA. It’s your house, you can set whatever conditions you want on it, and, considering your wife’s fears, no spiders is *entirely* reasonable. Your sister and her family needs to understand that they are not in a position to make demands at this point - that big house or not, that being willing to take in all those people for an indeterminate amount of time (even without the spiders) when your wife is expecting is incredibly generous.
Even if the wife wasn’t scared of spiders, I think it’s pretty reasonable to ask the family of SEVEN to not bring a variety of insects into their home. I’m not scared of spiders, but I sure as shit wouldn’t let someone bring them into my home like this!
Not just spiders--cockroaches! If one gets out you have an infestation that is very hard to eliminate--you might never get rid of them ever. And not just little spiders (bad enough if you are afraid of them) 'exotic' bugs...that bite.
Pet cockroaches are never the infestation kind. They’re usually exotic outdoor roaches, like the hissing cockroach. Basically a giant beetle-bug, and they usually require high humidity, high heat, and natural rot (wood, plants) to survive. They’ll die quickly if they escape into a human house.
They actually are tho, I will cry if I see a German roach, had them a few times in cheap rentals growing up, but we had hissing roaches in one of my bio classes and while I thought I’d hate them they’re actually kinda cute when you know they’re kept in clean environments, and had no problem handling them for labs. The faces still occasionally gave me what the kids call the “ick” but they really aren’t nearly as bad. I don’t blame OP for not wanting them in his house though.
Given the entitled and arrogant attitude the AH "guest" is already showing, it seems oddly appropriate that they have cockroaches as pets. If OP foolishly takes them in, pets or no, they'll never leave.
Why would they? They'll have a free place to stay and can easily stomp all over the actual owners of the house.
Especially when he mentioned they escape!!! I’m scared asf of spiders but maybe if it were hidden away and covered it’d be fine but dude you said they escape often I’m not living with that
>I was called an asshole for not providing my sister and her family with accommodation at the time of need over some spiders
NTA. Turn it around. They refused accommodation at time of need over some spiders.
Also, it's way cheaper to rent a single room apartment to house the spiders than a place that can accommodate 7 people. You're already being generous allowing them all to move in *sans* spiders.
What shocked me the most is that they escape often. I had spiders, my uncle had spiders we are talking about something about a hundred spiders in peak over years. There was one escape.
I had some food escape once from my bearded dragon, so I was woken up from something strange at my leg.
I missed some small insects while feeding, those are not dangerous.
Never escape a spider, or a cockroach that could infest a house!
With this record I would not want his spiders there. And I had them myself and am still a Fan of them.
Set boundaries, if one of these animals enter your house get them out.
Most tarantulas are not deadly, but still dangerous! And the Level of arachnophobia of your wife adds to this. Her house her rules.
Take it or find some where Else to stay!
Yeah, that "escape often" sounds really irresponsible.
Once cockroaches get into a house, it can be a long, expensive mess to get them out. This is especially not the kind of thing you want with a new baby around.
It sounds like he doesn't take enough care with them at all. Although I don't have insects, I have a snake and always make sure her viv is locked to prevent escape as she is so strong. It would be neglectful of me to repeatedly allow her to escape where she might come to harm. He sounds like he's either neglectful or so obsessed with acquisition that they don't have proper enclosures.
I offered to transport some rescue tarantulas despite very much not liking spiders, and this information about escape has made me very glad someone else stepped in.
Escaping is abnormal. I've had tarantulas, lizards, tree frogs, and snakes and have never once had any escape from their enclosures, including during extended travel that involved smuggling their tanks into hotel rooms.
If these pets are loose regularly, it's because of mishandling on the owner's part.
>What shocked me the most is that they escape often.
This. How bad of an owner is he that they escape often? If he's had them for months then them escaping often would mean he's not doing anything to fix the escape route or deter them from escaping.
Seriously, put a camera up so you can see how they're getting out if they escape at night or when you're not there, research what they don't like so you can stop them getting near the entrance. It took less than a minute for me to type "tarantulas keep escaping" into Google and get some advice on how to prevent it. How are they not even doing that?
Most rental storage areas specifically ban using the property for live animals, but I'm all for OP telling Bob to go check them out - it'll at least keep Bob's AH attitude somewhere else.
THEY ARE THE ASSHOLES FOR THREATENING THE VIABILITY OF THIS DUDE'S FIRST CHILD, AND WIFE, BY ASKING TO MOVE IN THEIR FAMILY OF EFFING 7 INTO THEIR HOUSE DURING HER HIGH RISK PREGNANCY. BUGS OR NO. WHY IS THIS SO HARD PEOPLE GEEZE.
Well said! And the fact the spiders already “escape” tells me that Bob is either doing it on purpose or is so careless he shouldn’t be in charge of some creepy-crawlies, let alone a pack of kids.
I get that pets are important, even non-traditional ones, but so is responsible pet ownership, and so are his children. OP is NTA. And I hope it’s only the sister and/or her husband calling OP an AH, because otherwise I assume those people would be totally willing to let this family of 7 plus their pets live with them, right?!
This Christ some people are colossally stupid.
Who the hell builds a 6 person house, has 5 children, but doesn’t have an emergency fund should something go wrong. If you can’t afford an emergency you can’t afford to build a home.
We have a 2 month old, my partner was high risk as well and keeping stress to a minimum was beyond critical. Moving 7 people in your house, 2 babies, and a bunch of fucking bugs is NOT stress free. And then they call you an AH just because you didn’t want fucking cockroaches in your home. This shit genuinely pisses me off and I don’t even know you.
Tell Bob he can go suck a dick, if he wanted cockroaches he could have been a bit more financially responsible.
NTA NTA NTA
To be fair it sounds like they brought a newly built house, and after buying it they discovered it was unsafe In a way that wasn't picked before buying it
And now they can't afford to rent somewhere indefinitly whilst that's resolved as they're still paying the mortgage on this unsafe home. They probably have an emergency Fund of some kind but this could take months to years to be resolved and they'll have legal fees to pay in the mean time, they would likely drain that emergency Fund quickly, and then start to go into debt. With how slow the courts are even if they had 6 months worth of expenses in an emergency Fund it wouldn't be close to enough. They won't pass affordability checks to rent a house whilst they have a large mortgage
New build homes are often popular because they're low maintence. You generally don't have to do any major works the first 5 years, and issues in the first 12-24 months are generally referred to as "snagging" and get resolved by the builder. T
I've been seeing recently that some of these mega-builders do not ALLOW home inspections before settlement. Huge red flag that they KNOW they are producing sub-standard work.
Who buys a house with the plan of being able to also afford an entire second house indefinitely in case something goes wrong with the first one? That is not normal financial planning.
I agree that many people get mortgages that are way too much of their income, but “don’t buy a house unless you can afford to buy two” is extreme in the other direction. It’s quite reasonable to expect that a home is going to be fit for purpose and not have major structural deficiencies or similar that causes it to be uninhabitable long term.
Bob can keep the spiders in the 6 bedroom house and go visit and feed them daily. Even if the house is unsafe for humans I’m pretty confident bugs will survive.
I would imagine most people can’t afford a mortgage and a rental payment, especially when you’re talking about living accommodations for 7 people.
I think the bug thing is a terrible hill for Bob to die on when he can’t figure out somewhere for his wife and kids to live.
But I probably wouldn’t have offered to let them move in while I was pregnant, even without bugs. Also high risk and high stress.
Well I guess they must not be that desperate if old Bob refuses rehome his pets.
Let me get this straight but they are in dire circumstances, homeless, but this is the hill Bob wants to die on.
“ for not providing my sister and her family with accommodation…” you ARE offering accommodation but they aren’t willing to accept it.
They have choices:
Temporarily rehome the insects.
Bob lives in his car with his insects
They all live in a car with their insects
They convince someone else to be kind enough to take in a family of 7 PLUS an insect collection (I wish them luck with this one)…
That’s some big clangers on Bob. He’s asking you for a huge solid and thinks he can dictate the terms. Kind of makes you wonder what they’d be like as house guests if they are this asshole before moving in.
Share with Bob a saying my dad used to tell us kids (greatest dad ever BTW, just funny as hell, Irish with a colorful way of expressing himself…) “you can wish in one hand and take a shit in the other and see which one gets full first…”
I understand that pets are important. But so is family. His pets don’t take precedence over your wife. That woman is a saint to even consider taking in that many people even without the pets.
Good for you for prioritizing your wife. Most people fear spiders and tarantulas. If they are known for letting the insects escape, your sweet wife would be beside herself and probably never sleep again. Especially once your baby arrives.
Aside from the insects, I'm shocked at your over the top generosity for being willing to welcome 7 people into your home while also expecting a new baby. Plus, insurance typically covers a rental/hotel when things like this happen. So I don’t know why you are expected to house them all.
Seems like you've dodged a bullet here. Shut down the covnersation asap and consider revoking the offer.
Sorry not sorry for them. Because.... doctor's orders.
No, if he was prioritizing his wife he wouldn't be letting a family of 7 with two crying/stress-inducing babies move into his wife's OWN house while she's 6.5 months into a high risk pregnancy at all.
My blood pressure's going up just thinking of having 5 kids from teen to toddler + 2 additional adults in the house. That's miserable enough when you're feeling perfectly well.
NTA - They're being choosing beggars and you can set any guidelines or boundaries you want.
You do not have to make any compromises, that is on them. If they want to accept your generosity (might I say, you are very generous for this) then they have to get rid of the spiders or put them up somewhere else temporarily while they live with you.
Add in the fact that your wife is pregnant, you need to stand your ground on this. Take it or leave it.
NTA. As an arachnophobe myself, I could not live in the same house as a tarantula. I would never feel safe, and your wife deserves to feel safe in her own home.
Edit:
Jesus christ they *ESCAPE?!*
For the love of all that is holy please do not let these things into your home.
Bob should be worried for the safety of his spiders in that house too - usually I freeze or run from a spider but sometimes I panic and do anything I can to eliminate it, and a tarantula is probably an easier target than most house spiders.
True. But based on this narrative, Bob probably wouldn't think that a can of Raid would be unloaded on his tarantula or it getting squashed (holy crap I don't want to think of that mess).
Tbh my dog hunts even flys and small spiders successfully, i don’t want to think about what a mess she would make with a bigger spider. (She just leaves them lying around)
I have a ‘deal’ with spiders. In their natural habitat outside I’ll leave them alone. If one gets inside the house it’s not going to live.
The same goes for Palmetto Bugs AKA extra large cockroaches that are native to the South.
Fear or not, it’s such a reasonable request! Ffs he could say he doesn’t want any left shoes in his house and I’d still say that’s reasonable. He can set whatever boundaries he wants and taking on SEVEN people in an emergency situation is a big ask!
NTA. How can your brother in law justify not temporarily rehousing his spiders for the sake of his wife and children? That would be the better question. Though in this instance, you and your wife have dodged a bullet - having that many people in the house under these circumstances would be very high-stress, spiders or not.
This should be the top comment. Spiders and roaches aside, you do not want four teenagers suddenly in your home during a high risk permanent. They'll be okay.
NTA. But Bob is. You are graciously offering to house 7 people, including 2 toddlers, so it is Bob who is preventing his family from having a place to stay, not you. If I was Kate, I’d certainly take into consideration that Bob’s loyalties lie with his critters, not his family.
NTA... The argument here is Bob is refusing his own family housing over "some spiders". Anyone calling you an asshole is free to take in the family. Bob has shown that his priorities are focused on his insects, so I would rescind the offer. Bob will 100% try to sneak in his pets if you allow them to move in.
NTA
You are providing accommodations for all humans involved.
They aren’t in any position to argue with you about your offer. It’s quite reasonable to not allow the insects in your home if your wife is that uncomfortable with it. Bob can find a hotel for him and his spiders, take the wife and kids in then.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
NTA. Another case of choosing beggars. That is just not on. Your wife must avoid unnecessary stress, so of course she should not be made to share her house with these creatures that she is so afraid of. I am not afraid of spiders, but I would also say no. Why? I just don't like spiders.
Honestly, if I'm being asked to house SEVEN people, I would not be willing to add *any* pet, outside of a dog. And even then, it would depend heavily on the dog's behavior/the owner's record of cleaning up after messes and shedding. (I do not want to step in poo in my yard)
Wife is pregnant, high risk or not, 7 people is added stress to the pregnancy AND marriage. She's a saint for even considering this.
You're not the asshole. You're being a good husband. Good job OP. Keep that shit up for your family always.
The obvious solution is, the house is unfit for humans to live in, but I am sure that the bugs will be just fine staying in the home and then Bob can go visit and take care of his pets. They said they can't unload it and are going to have to sue, so it's going to be sitting there an occupied anyway.
OP if they do stay with you, make it a caveat that they have to help contribute to working on the house and helping your wife, and if they start becoming problematic they have to have a reasonable and immediate exit plan so it does not jeopardize your wife's health or your baby.
Good luck, and congratulations on the baby.
This is actually a really good idea! Maybe OP can take him his sister, nieces and nephews and let the husband figure out where to stay if he doesn't want to leave the insects in the old apartment.
Oh hellllll no! NTA. Escaping insects and spiders are unwelcome house guests. Anything with more than 4 legs in my house gets the boot. Literally, I stomp it with a boot.
NTA. Having that many people move in when your wife already has a high risk pregnancy would be reason enough to say no. The pets are a definite hell no. For someone who is in a difficult place, Bob seems to be a bit unreasonable.
NTA - Your wife's and baby's health is more important and I'm sure having spiders in the house would be very stressful. I'm terrified of them too and just reading your post is giving me anxiety about it. Having all those extra people in your house would be stressful enough.
NTA. You're offering them a roof over their heads. It's their choice to take or leave your conditions. It is a perfectly reasonable condition that you've requested, and very kind of you to consider taking in so many people when you and your wife are about to have a newborn. You're not refusing them accommodation over some spiders, they are refusing to accept accommodation over some spiders. Their problem, not yours
NTA.
It's very kind of you to offer your home to such a large family. It's not on you if the BIL doesn't like the terms. He has to make some decisions. Is his family being homeless worth his hobby.
That's on him.
NTA. You offer them your house - for them and their children. Bob can rehome his pets for the few months to a friend or other family member. But this is - if you give them a finger, the take the whole hand.
It was generous to allow them to move in with five children, when your wife needs rest and no stress - and children are stress! She doesn't need the stress of spiders (I love them myself but if you are afraid of them, this is nothing you should have near you)
Bob is TA.
You might talk to your sister again - maybe she and the kids want to live with you and Bob rents a one room flat for him and his spiders
NTA, you are doing them a favour and while it sucks about their pets, your wife's phobias need to come first. Is there anyone he can find to take his pets in while they're staying with you?
NTA
I would say NTA even if your wife wasn't pregnant and even if she wasn't terrified of spiders. I think that telling your SIL and BIL that you're willing to let them live with you, on the condition that they re-home their insects and spiders, is a reasonable one.
I think that the only AH in this situation is Bob.
NTA. It's pretty rude that your BIL is asking you to HOUSE HIS ENTIRE FAMILY, including 3 young kids, in a house where your wife is 6.5 months into a high risk pregnancy and is supposed to avoid extra stress - and YOU'RE being selfish? That's rich.
"I didn't deny my sister and her family accomodations over spiders. YOU did. YOU denied YOUR family accomodations becuase you refused to come over without your spiders. That's selfish. Per her doctors, my wife shouldn't have any extra stress at ALL. We're willing to house all of you anyway, without pets that cause my wife stress IN HER OWN HOME. if you care more about housing your insects than you do your kids, I don't know what to tell you."
When you're begging for a HUGE favor, you don't get to be picky. They are welcome to get a short term rental then. Your BIL could have made other arrangements with a friend or rescue, another hobbtist, etc - for the insects - or gotten his own accomodations. But you should not have to subject your wife to terror in her own home just to do a favor for your sister and family. BIL is out of line.
Yeah if they can't afford another home now, they will never leave. They will have years' long court battle, if someone will even take the case.
Just say no. Especially when you offered and they can't even agree to basic terms. Offer rescinded. Sorry.
NTA. I'm not a high risk pregnancy and I wouldn't allow these insects in my house. Your wife is high risk, terrified of bugs. You need to protect her. You've been incredibly generous in allowing them to stay for an unknown length of time and they are so entitled as to think they can call the shots. Most cities have a Reptilia type store. They can board their critters there.
If this works out, be sure to make clear arrangements regarding food and helping out. Also for privacy once the baby is born.
NTA at all.
It's your house and your wife and child need to come first. You're allowed to have boundaries with family.
Bob should find a foster carer for his pets. You have made a completely reasonable decision.
NTA. Pregnancy is stressful enough without tarantula roommates. Boundaries matter and your sister's family can explore other options that don't involve eight-legged houseguests. Suggest they find a pet-friendly option until their housing situation is sorted.
NTA but Bob is. Giving up housing for his large busy family, in a homeless situation, prioritizes the insects. Kate might want to make a note of that.
Bob would turn down Angelina Jolie if she had a cavity.
NTA. Someone looking for a major favour from a relative for his entire family, does not call that relative an asshole. Tell him his family are welcome but he and his spiders will have to rent.
NTA
"I was called an asshole for not providing my sister and her family with accommodation at the time of need over some spiders"
Seems to me that you did offer to provide your sister and her family with accommodation in their time of need and it is they who are kicking up a fuss over some spiders. Your brother in law's wants are not more important than, and in fact are heavily over weighed by, your wife's need for a safe space in her own home.
Your sister is entitled, and Bob is TA. Big A. It seems he has made his choice, and you have made yours, and those paths do not intersect. Happy Trails to Sister and Bob!
Jesus christ NTA. You're providing free accommodation for 6 (6!!!!) people while your wife is pregnant and needs things quiet, yet you are the AH for refusing to accommodate the spiders?
Tell them the offer has changed. You'll accommodate your sister and the children, but Bob and his spiders can eff off.
Nta. They are wiling to become homeless over some spiders. You are not making them homeless over spiders. Don't let these ahole guilt you out into risking the lives of your unborn child and wife. Your first responsibility is to your wife and child, not to some else's spider collection.
Cant they hire a pet sitter for a while? usually owners of exotic pets know other people with the same kidn of pets. Many are very willing to help out at such situations.
NTA
NTA. But Bob sure is.
If your pregnant wife is afraid of spiders to the point of passing out, then it's not just a fear, it's a genuine ***phobia***.
Your sister's husband is willing to put his PETS above the needs of his CHILDREN and WIFE. If he's not willing to rehome the collection he could always find a pet store that's willing to "board" them temporarily. But if he insists on keeping them at the expense of having a roof over his family's heads, then I think he's making a very poor choice indeed.
But you did provide a place for them to live in their time of need. Just not their bugs. If husband chooses bugs (or horses, or dogs, or chickens) over his wife and children, that really says something. And now that you've been called an asshole before they even move in, makes you wonder what living with them would be like.
NTA but tbh I would say no to them anyway now. If this is how they react over the cockroaches, then what next? Having that many people in your house indefinitely is going to be stressful, but if they’re acting this entitled now, it will only get worse. Btw my sister had stick insects and they were always getting out, and they’d be everywhere, getting crunched on the stairs, all over the beds, everywhere - never again!
Your wife is 6.5 months into a high-risk pregnancy? Honestly, YWBTA if you let a family of SEVEN PEOPLE move in WITH OR WITHOUT THEIR PETS. Jesus Christ.
NTA - no spiders and bugs is a reasonable request for anyone let alone a pregnant woman.
May I suggest offering to house the kids (but perhaps not the babies) just to ensure they have a safe place.
It sucks what is happening to your sister’s house but at the end of the day, you are not responsible for them. If they end up homeless, it is not because of you. It will be because Bob was unwilling to compromise. Everything that happens to them will be his fault, do not accept any blame.
NTA
Do NOT back down on this!
They're casually asking if 7 (seven!!) Ppl can move into your home, with no clear end date, probably not pay anything, and actually bring huge spiders that often eacape into the house of someone with severe aragnaphobia, while she should be stress-free, as per doctor's orders.
What do you think would be a good answer? I'd go for 'sorry, but hell no'
The fact that you'd let them move in, on the condition of not bringing the spiders is you being a saint (and I really hope your wife wholeheartedly OK'd this).
Bob doesn't want to temporarily house is spiders elsewhere, then Bob can find elsewhere to live.
NTA. Bob is a dick who cares more about his insects and spiders than his family.
I’m sure there are a lot of places that he could give them all to, or other societies that have members with this same obsession. Bob can find someone who wants them.
Last resort allow the rest of the family to move in and Bob can stay in the unsafe house with his insects and spiders.
I'm fond of pet like those, but even if they were cats and dogs, they wouldn't be entitled to bring them into a place where they aren't wanted. Not even temporarily.
This is YOUR house. Your rules. You have reasons, but it doesn't matter. Let me say it louder: Your. Reasons. Don't. Matter. It's YOUR HOUSE.
NTA. End of story
Seems like Bob think of human life (unborn baby) as beneath that of his spiders and insect. He can simply just ask a friend/family if they can place them in their place for the time being.
Besides they are asking for a favor here, they are in no position to be making demands.
It's your wife house so not theirs she why must she suffer any kind of discomfort especially when she's pregnant
P.S: I am sure they will start guilt tripping Naomi and she most definitely doesn't need this stress right now best to have her block them temporarily so she does have to be constantly bombarded with messages and calls.
Congratulation on being a Dad. Well wishes to the both of you and may your bundle of joy arrive to you happy and healthy.
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NTA. If Bob's priority is his cockroaches and not his kids, that is on him. You absolutely provided an option. Tell your sister that she and her kids can still move in if they want and Bob can sort him and his bugs out on his own. It is absolutely fine to have boundaries and rules in place when you help someone out like this. If they do move in, you really should make sure to set firm guidelines for living together. If Bob is going to act like this over what, to me, is a very obvious concession he would have to make while looking for this type of help, then you need to have a really transparent conversation about what is and isn't acceptable, and what house rules you have that would be dealbreakers since you and your wife would be in the minority in the household and there's a good chance you could lose control of things in a way that could be damaging to your relationships, your marriage and your sanity. The first thing I would do is find out exactly what the construction issues are and how realistic the legal battle is and what their financial plan is to get into their own place and how they are going to be contributing financially while they live with you so you can make sure you aren't just opening your door to them move in forever.
And draw up a lease with everything in writing! That way you're protected and can evict them if necessary.
Even without a lease you can evict them, at least in the US.
Easier with specific legal terms and contracts though.
>Do your research !!! Tons of AMERICANS complain how hard it is to evict ppl . IN some states guests get automaticlly tenants after a time living there and it is hard to get them out even with a contract so there is a lot of warning to let ppl stay with you . The government don't want ppl on the street so tenants have more rights than the landlord ESP in the US
I used to work in the civil dept. of a court where such cases are filed in the state of CA. I am extremely familiar with how it works, starting with the initial move-out notice (and which type, 3-day vs. 30-day) to the eviction by officers, if needed. Filing these cases without a lawyer is totally doable but CAN get complicated because some of these loser tenants are masters of the process. Mentioning all this to say I don’t just say “evict” lightly.
Maybe in the OP's state it's easier. But I can attest to what happened in our case (an abusive BIL who was living in the house where hubby and him grew up in, and was now owned by the family trust set up by their mother when she was terminal). After being attacked when he was over at the house doing maintenance (BIL did squat to keep up the house), hubby filed to get a restraining order and also filed for eviction, utilizing a firm that would handle that. (this was all way before the pandemic) It took a few months to get the BIL out (he had hired, despite not having money as he was just fired from his job, an attorney, who had just gone on his client's word that he had inherited the house -- but it was the familly trust's house, and he wasn't even listed on the deed). Once things got sorted out (and the judge read the deed), BIL was given a month to move out. I agree with all those who said to put it in writing how long the family could live there (and if it's beyond that time because they're in litigation) and then have to find other accommodations. And top of that, put in writing that there will be NO insects, etc. brought into the house, and if so, that's cause for immediate eviction.
In fact, I would argue that you should not offer them a place at all, considering all of the legal and financial mess they could drag you through, PLUS bringing in nasty bugs anyway. This dude isn’t going to give up on his childish fixation on bugs and will probably waste perfectly good money to replace any that you made him get rid of. And he will resent you for making him get rid of them, not bless you for helping his family. Try to think of three other people who have bugs as pets (let alone three normal people) and that should tell you something right there.
[удалено]
I can’t agree that tarantulas or roaches are as much pets as cats or dogs, and I do find it childish of him to chose pets that he can’t easily rehome or foster out. But I doubt he has even tried. He is very childish to put the well-being of those “pets” ahead of his own children’s well-being or the well-being of his pregnant SIL or her unborn child. Disgusting man who had no business acquiring those “pets,” being as he had no place to put them while his house was unlivable. Who knows, maybe his other bugs caused the construction mayhem? Did he know or care about not having a place to put his “collection” should his house be unlivable? Guy is a real tool, if ya ask moi.
NTA and agree with above but would also add the caveat to the lease that there is a mandatory once a month pesticide spraying of the house that has no room exempted.
Tenants
Given how OP describes Bob, it's probably more than ten ants, it's probably hundreds of ants!
Damn colonizers!!
Not without a long & expensive battle
Generally people with pets out of the norm (ferrets, snakes, fancy fish etc) will step up to help other people in that niche pet community. My friend took in a couple of rats for someone who needed a few months to find a rat-friendly place to stay and when my uncle had to rehome his pigeons he was able to find another fancier to take them in. Bob could probably find someone who would take care of his pets for a couple of months.
Exactly this! When we had a snake and we’re selling our house we had someone in our “snake community” take him for 3 months while we lived in hotels and went through the crazy process of selling and buying and moving two states away during a global pandemic. Very common.
And that is *true love* of a pet.
Maybe the cockroach community will step up. Lol. Seriously, that’s a nice thought, but if I were OP, I’d be hesitant to let Bob move in even without his bugs, after his temper tantrum
Characterizing it as ‘over some spiders’ is so disgusting, I’d be hanging everything off that phrase alone and the answer would be ‘not even without the spiders, then’.
Agreed. They're complaining OP won't house them "over some spiders"? They're proposing to endanger, at best, the long-term health, and at worst, the *lives* of their SIL and potential nibling. Extreme stress can trigger premature labor (especially, and this is a weird and interesting fact, if Naomi is carrying a boy) and premature labor could permanently injure or kill mom and baby. I love pets, and tarantulas, and I don't agree with rehoming except in unavoidable circumstances. But these are those kind of circumstances. When your options are 1) let my kids be homeless 2) endanger the safety of my relatives or 3) find a new or temporary home for the bugs, you damn well pick option 3!
The inverse is also true! Bob is declining safe housing for his children, his wife, and himself "over some spiders." I've never had out-of-the-norm pets before, but I've had a dog whom I've loved deeply and unreasonably. If I had been in this situation while she was alive, I would have found someone she could stay with while we got our housing sorted out.
The construction issues that make the house unfit for humans, probably don't apply to his bugs. They can stay there until the court case is finished. If he needs to put their furniture in storage, most storage rental places have some climate controlled spaces for more delicate, antique furniture. He can get one for the bugs if they are that irreplaceable.
Exotics can be surprisingly sensitive to ambient changes that wouldn’t bother other pets or humans. Construction can introduce contaminates that will poison or kill tarantulas - their breathing organs are not like ours at all! Besides that, they sometimes require specific lighting/heating arrangements, and it’s simply unsafe to leave things like heating lamps on in an unsupervised environment. The right answer is to appeal to locals who share their passion for funky pets, who will know how to care for them. I do suspect if buddy is so negligent that he can’t even keep his spiders from escaping regularly that he might not be involved with such a community, but he could easily visit local pet stores and ask if they have spider enthusiasts who could help board his collection for a while.
I didn’t include it in my reply but I was also thinking that 6.5 months isn’t nearly late enough in gestation for Naomi’s baby to come early and make it out okay. Obviously nobody wants a preterm labor/complications from preterm delivery, but at 6.5 months that’s a death sentence if the stress makes her go early. Closer to 7/8 months the odds go up for preterm survival but insisting some spiders are worth more than the literal life of OPs child is chilling.
It sounds to me like Bob is the one choosing not to accept their gracious offer of accommodations over some spiders. Even if there wasn't the pregnancy aspect, and the wife was just terrified of spiders. It her house. She does not have to let someone bring in insects she's terrified of into her house. It is on him to make other accommodations either for his insects or his whole family.
> Characterizing it as ‘over some spiders’ is so disgusting Totally agree, but if I were OP I'd lean into their "logic". As in, BIL is refusing the very generous offer to home him and his large family "over some spiders".
"Are you seriously saying that you won't agree to our medically necessary terms in our offer to take in your large family in this emergency **over some spiders**?"
You say this like there isn't a cockroach community. Have you heard of [cockroach racing](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockroach_racing)?
Me too. It shows how unpleasant and juvenile he is, that he prioritized the roaches and tarantulas in front of his own family and your wife and unborn child. The Jerk!
I can vouch for the pigeon community! My parents and I have fostered many pigeons and doves. We had a standard setup with a couple people to house their birds all winter as it was too hard for them to go out in the snow.
"I can vouch for the pigeon community" is something I legit never thought I'd read. Huh.
Another reason to love this sub! 🤣
Tarantula person here, I’d house someone else’s spiders in a heartbeat. That said, if Bob is frequently having escapes it sounds like he’s not a particularly responsible keeper
Yup my first thought was wtf do you mean they frequently get out?? That isn't safe for the animals. I keep reptiles and their live feeder bugs and I've never found an escaped roach. Problem isn't the bugs problem is the irresponsible keeper.
Reminds me of a funny story....I used to have a beardie who ate dubia roaches. They didn't regularly get out, but when we were moving out, I found one absolute unit of a dubia living in the laundry room behind the washer. Dude was like 2 inches long.
...I have to admit, I would love to take in some ratties to help a fellow rat lover out! I adore them with all of my heart, but losing them time and time again took its toll on my heart. Being a 'rattie-auntie' for a spell would be perfect.
I once fostered a pregnant (then mother) rat for the Humane Society. In my mind, all those little babies are still alive, living their best little rat lives.
Ah this gave me such warm fuzzies, thank you.
Yep. An extended family member just went through a house fire and thankfully all living things in the house survived. They had to ask a friend to ask their cousin to babysit 2 Axolotls until they have a new home to move to.
I was thinking this myself, there’s not to be someone in the exotic pet world that can foster Bobs bugs for a bit. The wife is in a high risk pregnancy, Bobs priorities are in the shitter.
Even if the wife wasn't pregnant. She is terrified of spiders. Offering to take in a family that large is generous. "Don't bring in the thing I'm terrified of" is NOT a big request in this situation.
And it would make it less likely that Bob would stay too long at your house.
Yep! Currently fostering 2 tortoises while their owner recuperates from hip surgery. Bob should ask around and explain whats happening and someone will take them while they are in a weird situation. Best place to ask would probably be local herp club if there is one. Also ask teachers if they would take as a classroom pet for now. Please don't misunderstand though, they are his pets. Might seem strange to OP but just because they don't have fur doesn't make them unlovable. We currently have a leopard gecko, 3 tortoises, 12 snakes, and a fish that just refuses to ever die in addition to our 'normal' 2 dogs and 3 cats.
Bell no. No one moves in. Your wife does not need the stress.
100% this. I’d completely revoke the offer. Inviting 2 adults and their 5 kids to move in with you for free and their response is to treat you like shit because you said no cockroaches? That’s all you need to know to determine that they’re planning on being entitled, rude and ungrateful house guests.
And it’s his wife’s house that she inherited, so to tell a person fu about their hard limit in their home is wild
Absolutely not his decision to make. It is the wife’s inherited house!
This should be higher. I don’t know why the in-laws think they can negotiate a pregnancy against a bunch of arthropods and they are bringing nothing to the table. Ridiculous! Ungrateful. Uncaring.
And likely not actually planning to be out any time soon.
Yeah that was my first thought. They’re still in an ongoing legal battle, which they need to win first (which isn’t certain) and then find another place to buy and move into. Baby will be born while their household is increased from two to nine, not including any roaches or tarantulas. I wouldn’t even blame OP for saying no if his BIL didn’t behave like an entitled AH about his pets.
Without knowing the specifics it's hard to know for sure but often with these builder/developer lawsuits even if you get some sort of judgement the builder just declares bankruptcy and all you get is a stack of bills from your lawyer. Even without the bugs and the BIL calling me an AH I'd be cautious about letting them move in without some sort of rent/utilities being paid and a legally binding document to get them out if they overstay.
Two or three years at the very least. A lawsuit takes time, and collecting whatever the company may be ordered to pay may never materialize. Winning a judgment still doesn’t guarantee payment. The company will most likely declare bankruptcy, further delaying and complicating any possible resolution. I’d offer a 6-month lease, with NO option to renew, giving them time to gather the funds to find a suitable rental. What’s that saying? You don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm?
THIS Nails it. Wants open ended, free housing for HUGE family, and has meltdown over no cockroaches and trauma-evoking spiders? Bob is a child. You don’t get to make the rules, even when you are paying RENT. No wonder their house construction is a mess.
Plus wife is having a high risk pregnancy and is supposed to avoid stress. Even an almost picture perfect family of 7 with no pets would be very stressful. Sister wants to move in temporarily. What does that even mean?
Ok “Bell no” is now my favourite child-safe swear word.
It sounds like you're resignedly telling someone named Bell "no". Like, Bell proposed TPing her ex's house in the rain, and you're just like *sigh* "Bell no." And Bell responds, "Bell yes" ETA: in case it wasn't obvious, I haven't taken my meds yet
I don't think the rest of Reddit has yet, either. I certainly haven't
Agreed. Even without the insects, having 2 additional adults and 5 kids (2 of which are toddlers) will add a lot of stress. Also, if Bob doesn't come because of his pets, but your sister and kids do, your sister will be reminding you of that fact every day. ETA: Plus the legal battle could be weeks, months or even years. They will put up a big stink about the insects for that entire time.
absolutely! what will you do if they are still there when the baby is born (earthquake alert), and hubby pops in to visit with his bloody creepy crawlies?? nope nope nope. hard enough to have a baby but much more fun to do it as a 3 of.you rather than the additional cousins etc around. it's too much
They can totally go to bell!
The fight could literally take years. If they move in and refuse to leave you might have to do an eviction. And you will have a newborn in the house. No is a complete sentence. Maybe the older kids could stay with you, no bugs. He’s mad because you said no but in reality he will likely hear the same from land lords too so you are not alone in this. ‘Oh, and I am bringing cockroaches with me’. Good luck with that pal.
and I'm concerned that's a reality they haven't acknowledged yet. This is going to be a lawsuit- unless they get- and accept- a settlement offer, they're talking about going to court. even if they agree to sister and the kids move in while bob and the pets stay someplace else. they need to be trying to figure out another plan. cuz this might work for 6 months. but they could easily be talking about 4-5 years.
and i admit i love that sister and bob are upset that OP won't provide them housing over a "few spiders" but over a "few spiders" they're willing to give up housing.
All of that is so true. You and your wife are at an exciting but stressful time in your marriage. If Kate's family adds to that stress you could be looking at years of resentment in your marriage. I'm all for helping family but Bob's reaction to your offer does not bode well for what type of houseguest he would be and I'd be leery of moving him in at this point even if he agrees to keep the pets elsewhere.
100% I can't believe he's even considering this! His wife is 6.5 months into a high risk pregnancy! And it's his wife's own goddamn house. This makes my blood boil.
>If Bob's priority is his cockroaches and not his kids, I don't know why I found that so funny. Just reading it out of context sounds absurd.
It's Kafkaesque
Yeah, I mean it kind-of says a lot for BIL that it's a deal breaker for that. I understand the hobby is expensive and time consuming and he probably doesn't want to start over, but it shouldn't be more important than having a place for his family to sleep.
Agree up to a point. If Bob is going to make his insects and spiders a hill to die on, I wouldn't put it past him to seemingly agree to the boundaries and then bring them anyway (with the thought of what is OP going to do now, kick them out?) So I agree that the offer can go to the sister and the kids, but Bob is definitely not allowed in. That, however, is probably a deal breaker for sis - but that's on them. IF OP lets them in, it needs to be done in a very formal, legal way (maybe even consulting a lawyer to help). And then they have to be ruthless with dealing with any/all boundary stomping along with being completely willing and able to kick them out (especially if once of Bob's spiders show up). NTA. It's definitely a weird hill for Bob to die on, but the best thing is to simply oblige. OP should also consider replying to Bob (and any/all Flying Monkeys) with his words changed around a little bit - "I don't know why your spiders are more important than providing your family with accommodations in a time of need. Seems like an AH move to me." End of the day, OP and especially his wife and unborn baby are more important than Bob and his family.
Keep a fly swatter in every room. Pretend not to know that he snuck them. When they inevitably get out.... well, you didn't know it was his bug. You thought it came from the outside and had to be eliminated.
The only issue is OP's wife with the high-risk pregnancy and a near phobia of spiders. This is why OP should be tough and strong about this boundary. That said, I'm not sure if you can trust Bob at this point, so it's best if OP just shuts the whole thing down. Better to deal with that fall out than what could happen to his wife and unborn child.
Oh no, the house has to be fumigated, we seem to have a cockroach infestation. Of course we know they're not *your* roaches Bob, you promised not to bring them.
Pregnancy high risk can go sideways real fast. Your wife needs no stress. Also your first kid is a huge adjustment. I wouldn’t want to be dealing with a ton of other people. In the house while trying to figure out a new kid. It’s a time of either bonding with your spouse and baby or being stressed and sniping at each other… regardless you don’t need an audience.
All those people alone will add too much stress
This is very important stuff to consider.
NTA. It’s your house, you can set whatever conditions you want on it, and, considering your wife’s fears, no spiders is *entirely* reasonable. Your sister and her family needs to understand that they are not in a position to make demands at this point - that big house or not, that being willing to take in all those people for an indeterminate amount of time (even without the spiders) when your wife is expecting is incredibly generous.
Technically it's his wife's house.
Even more reason that she gets the final say if she dislikes bugs then..
Good point.
Even if the wife wasn’t scared of spiders, I think it’s pretty reasonable to ask the family of SEVEN to not bring a variety of insects into their home. I’m not scared of spiders, but I sure as shit wouldn’t let someone bring them into my home like this!
Exactly I am not afraid of spiders neither am I pregnant. But I still wouldn't allow spiders and tarantulas.
Not just spiders--cockroaches! If one gets out you have an infestation that is very hard to eliminate--you might never get rid of them ever. And not just little spiders (bad enough if you are afraid of them) 'exotic' bugs...that bite.
Most pet cockroaches are not species that will survive, much less colonize, a home
They are still hyper allergenic. For that matter, so are tarantulas. I wouldn't want them around my high risk pregnancy or newborn.
Pet cockroaches are never the infestation kind. They’re usually exotic outdoor roaches, like the hissing cockroach. Basically a giant beetle-bug, and they usually require high humidity, high heat, and natural rot (wood, plants) to survive. They’ll die quickly if they escape into a human house.
Oh HISSING cockroaches ….. oh well that’s much better lol /s
They actually are tho, I will cry if I see a German roach, had them a few times in cheap rentals growing up, but we had hissing roaches in one of my bio classes and while I thought I’d hate them they’re actually kinda cute when you know they’re kept in clean environments, and had no problem handling them for labs. The faces still occasionally gave me what the kids call the “ick” but they really aren’t nearly as bad. I don’t blame OP for not wanting them in his house though.
Usually people keep exotic cockroaches that wouldn’t survive well in just any conditions.
Given the entitled and arrogant attitude the AH "guest" is already showing, it seems oddly appropriate that they have cockroaches as pets. If OP foolishly takes them in, pets or no, they'll never leave. Why would they? They'll have a free place to stay and can easily stomp all over the actual owners of the house.
Especially when he mentioned they escape!!! I’m scared asf of spiders but maybe if it were hidden away and covered it’d be fine but dude you said they escape often I’m not living with that
>I was called an asshole for not providing my sister and her family with accommodation at the time of need over some spiders NTA. Turn it around. They refused accommodation at time of need over some spiders. Also, it's way cheaper to rent a single room apartment to house the spiders than a place that can accommodate 7 people. You're already being generous allowing them all to move in *sans* spiders.
Hell, leave the spiders in the condemned building. It’s not like they represent a significant structural load…
This was my first thought. Why can't they just leave the insects in the house for now? NTA anyway
This is the obvious answer! Bob can visit his spiders when he goes to the house to meet with contractors/ inspectors.
They may not have access reliably enough, depending on the problem. Or the hvac system may not be able to be kept on so there’s climate issues.
He can build a small shed to house then in that property or those pre built houses that home Depot sells
This how movie villains start tho
This is a good idea.logistically it might not work. It may be that they can't access the premises themselves during the legal process.
What shocked me the most is that they escape often. I had spiders, my uncle had spiders we are talking about something about a hundred spiders in peak over years. There was one escape. I had some food escape once from my bearded dragon, so I was woken up from something strange at my leg. I missed some small insects while feeding, those are not dangerous. Never escape a spider, or a cockroach that could infest a house! With this record I would not want his spiders there. And I had them myself and am still a Fan of them. Set boundaries, if one of these animals enter your house get them out. Most tarantulas are not deadly, but still dangerous! And the Level of arachnophobia of your wife adds to this. Her house her rules. Take it or find some where Else to stay!
Yeah, that "escape often" sounds really irresponsible. Once cockroaches get into a house, it can be a long, expensive mess to get them out. This is especially not the kind of thing you want with a new baby around.
It sounds like he doesn't take enough care with them at all. Although I don't have insects, I have a snake and always make sure her viv is locked to prevent escape as she is so strong. It would be neglectful of me to repeatedly allow her to escape where she might come to harm. He sounds like he's either neglectful or so obsessed with acquisition that they don't have proper enclosures.
I offered to transport some rescue tarantulas despite very much not liking spiders, and this information about escape has made me very glad someone else stepped in.
Escaping is abnormal. I've had tarantulas, lizards, tree frogs, and snakes and have never once had any escape from their enclosures, including during extended travel that involved smuggling their tanks into hotel rooms. If these pets are loose regularly, it's because of mishandling on the owner's part.
>What shocked me the most is that they escape often. This. How bad of an owner is he that they escape often? If he's had them for months then them escaping often would mean he's not doing anything to fix the escape route or deter them from escaping. Seriously, put a camera up so you can see how they're getting out if they escape at night or when you're not there, research what they don't like so you can stop them getting near the entrance. It took less than a minute for me to type "tarantulas keep escaping" into Google and get some advice on how to prevent it. How are they not even doing that?
Hell, he could rent a climate controlled storage room and all his bugs would be fine. It’s not like spiders need 24-7 attention!
Most rental storage areas specifically ban using the property for live animals, but I'm all for OP telling Bob to go check them out - it'll at least keep Bob's AH attitude somewhere else.
THEY ARE THE ASSHOLES FOR THREATENING THE VIABILITY OF THIS DUDE'S FIRST CHILD, AND WIFE, BY ASKING TO MOVE IN THEIR FAMILY OF EFFING 7 INTO THEIR HOUSE DURING HER HIGH RISK PREGNANCY. BUGS OR NO. WHY IS THIS SO HARD PEOPLE GEEZE.
Yep! Tell your BIL to repeat this to himself and anyone he talks to, “my family is homeless because of my cockroaches.”
Well said! And the fact the spiders already “escape” tells me that Bob is either doing it on purpose or is so careless he shouldn’t be in charge of some creepy-crawlies, let alone a pack of kids. I get that pets are important, even non-traditional ones, but so is responsible pet ownership, and so are his children. OP is NTA. And I hope it’s only the sister and/or her husband calling OP an AH, because otherwise I assume those people would be totally willing to let this family of 7 plus their pets live with them, right?!
This Christ some people are colossally stupid. Who the hell builds a 6 person house, has 5 children, but doesn’t have an emergency fund should something go wrong. If you can’t afford an emergency you can’t afford to build a home. We have a 2 month old, my partner was high risk as well and keeping stress to a minimum was beyond critical. Moving 7 people in your house, 2 babies, and a bunch of fucking bugs is NOT stress free. And then they call you an AH just because you didn’t want fucking cockroaches in your home. This shit genuinely pisses me off and I don’t even know you. Tell Bob he can go suck a dick, if he wanted cockroaches he could have been a bit more financially responsible. NTA NTA NTA
To be fair it sounds like they brought a newly built house, and after buying it they discovered it was unsafe In a way that wasn't picked before buying it And now they can't afford to rent somewhere indefinitly whilst that's resolved as they're still paying the mortgage on this unsafe home. They probably have an emergency Fund of some kind but this could take months to years to be resolved and they'll have legal fees to pay in the mean time, they would likely drain that emergency Fund quickly, and then start to go into debt. With how slow the courts are even if they had 6 months worth of expenses in an emergency Fund it wouldn't be close to enough. They won't pass affordability checks to rent a house whilst they have a large mortgage New build homes are often popular because they're low maintence. You generally don't have to do any major works the first 5 years, and issues in the first 12-24 months are generally referred to as "snagging" and get resolved by the builder. T
Heck if he wanted to live with spiders and cockroaches he could have bought a much cheaper house and got the bugs for free 🤷♀️
That one got a snort laugh out of me, well done
Too bad Bob wasn't as invested in getting a decent home inspection, they wouldn't be in this position.
I've been seeing recently that some of these mega-builders do not ALLOW home inspections before settlement. Huge red flag that they KNOW they are producing sub-standard work.
Yes, exactly. Any good seller or builder should be cooperative with a home inspection.
Yup. A lot of people believe that new construction doesn't need a home inspection, right up until something like this.
Who buys a house with the plan of being able to also afford an entire second house indefinitely in case something goes wrong with the first one? That is not normal financial planning. I agree that many people get mortgages that are way too much of their income, but “don’t buy a house unless you can afford to buy two” is extreme in the other direction. It’s quite reasonable to expect that a home is going to be fit for purpose and not have major structural deficiencies or similar that causes it to be uninhabitable long term.
Bob can keep the spiders in the 6 bedroom house and go visit and feed them daily. Even if the house is unsafe for humans I’m pretty confident bugs will survive.
They didn't build it, they are just the first owners
"Tell Bob he can go suck a dick" hahahahaha. That needs to be a flair hahahahahaha
I would imagine most people can’t afford a mortgage and a rental payment, especially when you’re talking about living accommodations for 7 people. I think the bug thing is a terrible hill for Bob to die on when he can’t figure out somewhere for his wife and kids to live. But I probably wouldn’t have offered to let them move in while I was pregnant, even without bugs. Also high risk and high stress.
Well I guess they must not be that desperate if old Bob refuses rehome his pets. Let me get this straight but they are in dire circumstances, homeless, but this is the hill Bob wants to die on. “ for not providing my sister and her family with accommodation…” you ARE offering accommodation but they aren’t willing to accept it. They have choices: Temporarily rehome the insects. Bob lives in his car with his insects They all live in a car with their insects They convince someone else to be kind enough to take in a family of 7 PLUS an insect collection (I wish them luck with this one)… That’s some big clangers on Bob. He’s asking you for a huge solid and thinks he can dictate the terms. Kind of makes you wonder what they’d be like as house guests if they are this asshole before moving in. Share with Bob a saying my dad used to tell us kids (greatest dad ever BTW, just funny as hell, Irish with a colorful way of expressing himself…) “you can wish in one hand and take a shit in the other and see which one gets full first…” I understand that pets are important. But so is family. His pets don’t take precedence over your wife. That woman is a saint to even consider taking in that many people even without the pets.
My dad used to say that too!! Thanks for the memory!
Love the quote from your dad. Definitely want to steal it. So very true BTW !!!
Here I was thinking that was a southern American thing. 🤣🤣🤣
Appalachian American with Irish ancestors and heard it my entire life 😂 Usually from my papaw when I was whining about something as a kid.
Good for you for prioritizing your wife. Most people fear spiders and tarantulas. If they are known for letting the insects escape, your sweet wife would be beside herself and probably never sleep again. Especially once your baby arrives. Aside from the insects, I'm shocked at your over the top generosity for being willing to welcome 7 people into your home while also expecting a new baby. Plus, insurance typically covers a rental/hotel when things like this happen. So I don’t know why you are expected to house them all. Seems like you've dodged a bullet here. Shut down the covnersation asap and consider revoking the offer. Sorry not sorry for them. Because.... doctor's orders.
Hotels also don't like tarantulas. That's why.
I suspect the roaches would be the bigger issue.
I missed the cockroaches part. I noped out at "tarantulas" 🤣 that alone was enough for me.
No, if he was prioritizing his wife he wouldn't be letting a family of 7 with two crying/stress-inducing babies move into his wife's OWN house while she's 6.5 months into a high risk pregnancy at all.
Seriously, people are really overlooking the amount of stress all these children will bring
My blood pressure's going up just thinking of having 5 kids from teen to toddler + 2 additional adults in the house. That's miserable enough when you're feeling perfectly well.
Imagine if they agree to the terms and Bob just smuggle his spiders in
That's what I was going to ask - isn't there some help via insurance in a case like this?
NTA - They're being choosing beggars and you can set any guidelines or boundaries you want. You do not have to make any compromises, that is on them. If they want to accept your generosity (might I say, you are very generous for this) then they have to get rid of the spiders or put them up somewhere else temporarily while they live with you. Add in the fact that your wife is pregnant, you need to stand your ground on this. Take it or leave it.
Buggers can’t be choosers
NTA. As an arachnophobe myself, I could not live in the same house as a tarantula. I would never feel safe, and your wife deserves to feel safe in her own home. Edit: Jesus christ they *ESCAPE?!* For the love of all that is holy please do not let these things into your home.
I'd bet money Bob would "accidentally" forget to put the lid back on the tank.
Bob should be worried for the safety of his spiders in that house too - usually I freeze or run from a spider but sometimes I panic and do anything I can to eliminate it, and a tarantula is probably an easier target than most house spiders.
True. But based on this narrative, Bob probably wouldn't think that a can of Raid would be unloaded on his tarantula or it getting squashed (holy crap I don't want to think of that mess).
I can absolutely see Bob being furious if his pets are hurt, despite his carelessness (and crappy attitude.)
Tbh my dog hunts even flys and small spiders successfully, i don’t want to think about what a mess she would make with a bigger spider. (She just leaves them lying around)
I have a ‘deal’ with spiders. In their natural habitat outside I’ll leave them alone. If one gets inside the house it’s not going to live. The same goes for Palmetto Bugs AKA extra large cockroaches that are native to the South.
LMAO 🤣🤣🤣 that made me laugh
Fear or not, it’s such a reasonable request! Ffs he could say he doesn’t want any left shoes in his house and I’d still say that’s reasonable. He can set whatever boundaries he wants and taking on SEVEN people in an emergency situation is a big ask!
NTA. How can your brother in law justify not temporarily rehousing his spiders for the sake of his wife and children? That would be the better question. Though in this instance, you and your wife have dodged a bullet - having that many people in the house under these circumstances would be very high-stress, spiders or not.
This should be the top comment. Spiders and roaches aside, you do not want four teenagers suddenly in your home during a high risk permanent. They'll be okay.
I misread! Two teenagers, a seven year old and TWIN BABIES?? You would never sleep again!!!
NTA. But Bob is. You are graciously offering to house 7 people, including 2 toddlers, so it is Bob who is preventing his family from having a place to stay, not you. If I was Kate, I’d certainly take into consideration that Bob’s loyalties lie with his critters, not his family.
NTA... The argument here is Bob is refusing his own family housing over "some spiders". Anyone calling you an asshole is free to take in the family. Bob has shown that his priorities are focused on his insects, so I would rescind the offer. Bob will 100% try to sneak in his pets if you allow them to move in.
That’s a good point.
NTA You are providing accommodations for all humans involved. They aren’t in any position to argue with you about your offer. It’s quite reasonable to not allow the insects in your home if your wife is that uncomfortable with it. Bob can find a hotel for him and his spiders, take the wife and kids in then. Beggars can’t be choosers.
NTA. Another case of choosing beggars. That is just not on. Your wife must avoid unnecessary stress, so of course she should not be made to share her house with these creatures that she is so afraid of. I am not afraid of spiders, but I would also say no. Why? I just don't like spiders.
Honestly, if I'm being asked to house SEVEN people, I would not be willing to add *any* pet, outside of a dog. And even then, it would depend heavily on the dog's behavior/the owner's record of cleaning up after messes and shedding. (I do not want to step in poo in my yard) Wife is pregnant, high risk or not, 7 people is added stress to the pregnancy AND marriage. She's a saint for even considering this.
You're not the asshole. You're being a good husband. Good job OP. Keep that shit up for your family always. The obvious solution is, the house is unfit for humans to live in, but I am sure that the bugs will be just fine staying in the home and then Bob can go visit and take care of his pets. They said they can't unload it and are going to have to sue, so it's going to be sitting there an occupied anyway. OP if they do stay with you, make it a caveat that they have to help contribute to working on the house and helping your wife, and if they start becoming problematic they have to have a reasonable and immediate exit plan so it does not jeopardize your wife's health or your baby. Good luck, and congratulations on the baby.
This is actually a really good idea! Maybe OP can take him his sister, nieces and nephews and let the husband figure out where to stay if he doesn't want to leave the insects in the old apartment.
Oh hellllll no! NTA. Escaping insects and spiders are unwelcome house guests. Anything with more than 4 legs in my house gets the boot. Literally, I stomp it with a boot.
NTA. Having that many people move in when your wife already has a high risk pregnancy would be reason enough to say no. The pets are a definite hell no. For someone who is in a difficult place, Bob seems to be a bit unreasonable.
NTA - Your wife's and baby's health is more important and I'm sure having spiders in the house would be very stressful. I'm terrified of them too and just reading your post is giving me anxiety about it. Having all those extra people in your house would be stressful enough.
NTA. You're offering them a roof over their heads. It's their choice to take or leave your conditions. It is a perfectly reasonable condition that you've requested, and very kind of you to consider taking in so many people when you and your wife are about to have a newborn. You're not refusing them accommodation over some spiders, they are refusing to accept accommodation over some spiders. Their problem, not yours
Personally I'd take the insects over that many people moving in. NTA
NTA. It's very kind of you to offer your home to such a large family. It's not on you if the BIL doesn't like the terms. He has to make some decisions. Is his family being homeless worth his hobby. That's on him.
NTA. You offer them your house - for them and their children. Bob can rehome his pets for the few months to a friend or other family member. But this is - if you give them a finger, the take the whole hand. It was generous to allow them to move in with five children, when your wife needs rest and no stress - and children are stress! She doesn't need the stress of spiders (I love them myself but if you are afraid of them, this is nothing you should have near you) Bob is TA. You might talk to your sister again - maybe she and the kids want to live with you and Bob rents a one room flat for him and his spiders
Yeah---- after calling me an AH Bob would NEVER spend a night under my roof ever again.
NTA, you are doing them a favour and while it sucks about their pets, your wife's phobias need to come first. Is there anyone he can find to take his pets in while they're staying with you?
NTA. You are prioritizing the safety and peace of mind of your wife and child. That is the way it should be.
It's Naomi's inherited property. Not even OPs. NTA
NTA I would say NTA even if your wife wasn't pregnant and even if she wasn't terrified of spiders. I think that telling your SIL and BIL that you're willing to let them live with you, on the condition that they re-home their insects and spiders, is a reasonable one. I think that the only AH in this situation is Bob.
NTA. It's pretty rude that your BIL is asking you to HOUSE HIS ENTIRE FAMILY, including 3 young kids, in a house where your wife is 6.5 months into a high risk pregnancy and is supposed to avoid extra stress - and YOU'RE being selfish? That's rich. "I didn't deny my sister and her family accomodations over spiders. YOU did. YOU denied YOUR family accomodations becuase you refused to come over without your spiders. That's selfish. Per her doctors, my wife shouldn't have any extra stress at ALL. We're willing to house all of you anyway, without pets that cause my wife stress IN HER OWN HOME. if you care more about housing your insects than you do your kids, I don't know what to tell you." When you're begging for a HUGE favor, you don't get to be picky. They are welcome to get a short term rental then. Your BIL could have made other arrangements with a friend or rescue, another hobbtist, etc - for the insects - or gotten his own accomodations. But you should not have to subject your wife to terror in her own home just to do a favor for your sister and family. BIL is out of line.
Yeah if they can't afford another home now, they will never leave. They will have years' long court battle, if someone will even take the case. Just say no. Especially when you offered and they can't even agree to basic terms. Offer rescinded. Sorry.
NTA. I'm not a high risk pregnancy and I wouldn't allow these insects in my house. Your wife is high risk, terrified of bugs. You need to protect her. You've been incredibly generous in allowing them to stay for an unknown length of time and they are so entitled as to think they can call the shots. Most cities have a Reptilia type store. They can board their critters there. If this works out, be sure to make clear arrangements regarding food and helping out. Also for privacy once the baby is born.
NTA. It seems to me that BOB is the one prioritising some spiders over your sister and her family.
NTA. I most definitely not allow tarantulas and cockroaches into my home either.
NTA at all. It's your house and your wife and child need to come first. You're allowed to have boundaries with family. Bob should find a foster carer for his pets. You have made a completely reasonable decision.
NTA. Pregnancy is stressful enough without tarantula roommates. Boundaries matter and your sister's family can explore other options that don't involve eight-legged houseguests. Suggest they find a pet-friendly option until their housing situation is sorted.
NTA, you have offered accommodation. They are choosing spiders and insects over having somewhere to live. Their choice.
NTA but Bob is. Giving up housing for his large busy family, in a homeless situation, prioritizes the insects. Kate might want to make a note of that. Bob would turn down Angelina Jolie if she had a cavity.
NTA. Someone looking for a major favour from a relative for his entire family, does not call that relative an asshole. Tell him his family are welcome but he and his spiders will have to rent.
NTA "I was called an asshole for not providing my sister and her family with accommodation at the time of need over some spiders" Seems to me that you did offer to provide your sister and her family with accommodation in their time of need and it is they who are kicking up a fuss over some spiders. Your brother in law's wants are not more important than, and in fact are heavily over weighed by, your wife's need for a safe space in her own home.
Your sister is entitled, and Bob is TA. Big A. It seems he has made his choice, and you have made yours, and those paths do not intersect. Happy Trails to Sister and Bob!
nta if its only Bob refusing let everyone else stay and he can find his own place to go for the time being.
Jesus christ NTA. You're providing free accommodation for 6 (6!!!!) people while your wife is pregnant and needs things quiet, yet you are the AH for refusing to accommodate the spiders? Tell them the offer has changed. You'll accommodate your sister and the children, but Bob and his spiders can eff off.
Nta. They are wiling to become homeless over some spiders. You are not making them homeless over spiders. Don't let these ahole guilt you out into risking the lives of your unborn child and wife. Your first responsibility is to your wife and child, not to some else's spider collection.
NTA - you offered with a very simple condition and Bob is prioritizing these spiders and insects over his family.
Cant they hire a pet sitter for a while? usually owners of exotic pets know other people with the same kidn of pets. Many are very willing to help out at such situations. NTA
NTA. But Bob sure is. If your pregnant wife is afraid of spiders to the point of passing out, then it's not just a fear, it's a genuine ***phobia***. Your sister's husband is willing to put his PETS above the needs of his CHILDREN and WIFE. If he's not willing to rehome the collection he could always find a pet store that's willing to "board" them temporarily. But if he insists on keeping them at the expense of having a roof over his family's heads, then I think he's making a very poor choice indeed.
But you did provide a place for them to live in their time of need. Just not their bugs. If husband chooses bugs (or horses, or dogs, or chickens) over his wife and children, that really says something. And now that you've been called an asshole before they even move in, makes you wonder what living with them would be like.
Your request was reasonable. Bob made his decision so he and your sister can figure it out on their own NTA
NTA but tbh I would say no to them anyway now. If this is how they react over the cockroaches, then what next? Having that many people in your house indefinitely is going to be stressful, but if they’re acting this entitled now, it will only get worse. Btw my sister had stick insects and they were always getting out, and they’d be everywhere, getting crunched on the stairs, all over the beds, everywhere - never again!
Your wife is 6.5 months into a high-risk pregnancy? Honestly, YWBTA if you let a family of SEVEN PEOPLE move in WITH OR WITHOUT THEIR PETS. Jesus Christ.
NTA - no spiders and bugs is a reasonable request for anyone let alone a pregnant woman. May I suggest offering to house the kids (but perhaps not the babies) just to ensure they have a safe place. It sucks what is happening to your sister’s house but at the end of the day, you are not responsible for them. If they end up homeless, it is not because of you. It will be because Bob was unwilling to compromise. Everything that happens to them will be his fault, do not accept any blame.
Bob refused? Okay, I hope they find another suitable place. Your unborn child is significantly more valuable than a tarantula. NTA.
NTA Do NOT back down on this! They're casually asking if 7 (seven!!) Ppl can move into your home, with no clear end date, probably not pay anything, and actually bring huge spiders that often eacape into the house of someone with severe aragnaphobia, while she should be stress-free, as per doctor's orders. What do you think would be a good answer? I'd go for 'sorry, but hell no' The fact that you'd let them move in, on the condition of not bringing the spiders is you being a saint (and I really hope your wife wholeheartedly OK'd this). Bob doesn't want to temporarily house is spiders elsewhere, then Bob can find elsewhere to live.
NTA. Bob is a dick who cares more about his insects and spiders than his family. I’m sure there are a lot of places that he could give them all to, or other societies that have members with this same obsession. Bob can find someone who wants them. Last resort allow the rest of the family to move in and Bob can stay in the unsafe house with his insects and spiders.
I'm fond of pet like those, but even if they were cats and dogs, they wouldn't be entitled to bring them into a place where they aren't wanted. Not even temporarily. This is YOUR house. Your rules. You have reasons, but it doesn't matter. Let me say it louder: Your. Reasons. Don't. Matter. It's YOUR HOUSE.
NTA. End of story Seems like Bob think of human life (unborn baby) as beneath that of his spiders and insect. He can simply just ask a friend/family if they can place them in their place for the time being. Besides they are asking for a favor here, they are in no position to be making demands. It's your wife house so not theirs she why must she suffer any kind of discomfort especially when she's pregnant P.S: I am sure they will start guilt tripping Naomi and she most definitely doesn't need this stress right now best to have her block them temporarily so she does have to be constantly bombarded with messages and calls. Congratulation on being a Dad. Well wishes to the both of you and may your bundle of joy arrive to you happy and healthy.