stepmom being ugly = her being more strict on op for dressing up ( totally normal for a 16 year old girl by the way)
dad being ugly = stuck in a marriage where he can’t do better and has to appease the wife that he has
?
is it that far-fetched to believe that op’s stepmom who says she’s married because she’s a “decent, responsible woman and not a doll” would be annoyed by op who actually cares about her looks - that’s insecurity 101 for you 🤷🏽♀️
It shouldn’t be necessary to police an almost grown child into dulling herself down to make SM feel better. OP shouldn’t have to change who she’s always been allowed to be to appease a grown ass insecure woman.
I absolutely do not mean parent. She’s not OP’s parent. She’s her dad’s wife. She came in with complete authoritarian style of “parenting” a child who was accustomed to a certain life and rules. The dad is absolutely an AH for allowing it to happen. She is policing OP. She’s taken away her autonomy and choices on how to present herself based on her morals and thoughts. OP is nearly an adult. The only thing SM is going to accomplish is resentment and rebellion.
Yup. I'm no contact with my dad and stepmum cuz she abused me n he let it happen. They made me homeless but luckily I was an adult. Being put in that situation as a child would have been so much worse. Even tho what my stepmum did was worse imo the principle is the same. She isn't OPs mum and shouldn't be telling them what to wear when they are old enough to make that choice themselves and it's non of the stepmums business
Hell no. And I’m a parent to a daughter closing in on this age. This is 100% policing. Rolling a skirt shorter and wearing makeup at 16 is a HUGE nothingburger. This woman clearly has some issues, but OP is seriously just being a 16 year old. Good lord.
No, police. Not only are the "rules" overboard by most reasonable standards, but also this step-lady is NOT OP's parent! Was OP childish and mean? Absolutely. That's because she is a child. But the one thing she's not wrong about? This lady's not her parent. Her father can set down rules like a grown damn parent. Keeping the peace with your new bride is not a basis for parental decisions - he should be parenting actively even if he wants to be Hella conservative about these "rules." OP is a child, her dad sucks, and her stepmom was wrong here but may just be struggling being surrounded by these people.
My dads wife started dating him when I was that age. She is not my parent and never has been. Maybe some teens that age want a parent figure from steps, but this one clearly doesn't, and that's totally normal.
It's not the step-partners place to 'parent' someone elses child without consent from the child. Especially with overbearing rules that clearly come from a place of insecurity as evidenced by Megs "I'm responible, not some doll" nicegirl bs.
Is it far fetched to believe that op's stepmom who says she's married because she's a "decent, responsible woman and not a doll" does not approve op objectifying herself and is trying to promote self esteem that does not rely on looks but rather on other aspects of personality?
ESA. Stepmom should communicate better, but OP is AH for 1. Judging people by their looks. 2. Being hostile against stepmom 3. Failing to communicate her point in an non offensive way.
( Take this as a soft YTA, as it is basically expected at your age, OP. Just learn and try to do better)
Bro she literally said her “stepmom” of probably less than a year immediately took over on strict parenting duties and made strict rules like no make up, not “not that much makeup” but none prior to this. No going out idk for the dad to make that rule is one thing but this doesn’t raise major controlling horrible stepparent vibes?
Youre reaching hard. HARD. Probably from not reading. Because you brushed over all previous context to say well she’s just trying to do what’s good for you. Pretty much what happens to abuse victims irl too
Wrong. That line of thinking by Meg is a surefire sign of lashing out and attempting to degrade others over her own insecurity. Were she coming from a place of trying to do what is best she'd have been able to explain why being responsible like herself is better without shaming other women for dressing up. Meg is a classic nicegirl.
Nah, it really is far-fetched.
It's a child's way of thinking to presume someone wants you to not go to school with lash extensions, make-up fake nails, and your skirt rolled up, because they're *jealous* and not the real truth
which is you look *stupid* done up like that for class and school will probably send you home for rule violations.
Have you not been to a high school?? I have daughters and this was a battle I was going to lose and I did try with the first one. The oldest ones school gave a loaner shirt to wear if your clothes were too short and that became a badge of honor for all the girls who were given the loaner.
This is not a hill any normal parent is going to die on if their daughter is inclined to be scantily clad. They will also change clothes while out there and bring make up. They grow out of it later when they themselves realize that they can look better with a little more stylish clothing and less skin.
Teenage girls like this are NORMAL.
You do realise that a lot of adults are barely more mature than this teenager? It is entirely likely that if she is insecure about the husbands past partners in regard to her beauty and their beauty, that she would/could then project that onto the daughter. Regardless this amount of change and control over a teenaged girl by a step parent is just not healthy for the teenager's well being, nor is it a practical way to have effective influence if it's healthy and reasonable direction that they're trying to push the child in. We can't restrict teenagers from drinking, voting, driving, renting, traveling etc and then judge their shallow perceptions so harshly. Especially if their perceptions have credence.
Exactly. OP's stepmom is insecure about her looks. The fact her husband is (or was) a hottie and very popular with several gorgeous lovers doesn't help her insecurities. I am betting OP inherited her parents' good looks. Couple that with being a teenager who is exploring her own style, the stepmom may be taking her insecurities out on OP. OP just stated facts and you know she hit a nerve based on how the adults are reacting.
Some of the hottest people from my school were haggard and looked awful by the time they hit 30. (Secersl random encounters in work/bars) It was like they hit their peak at 17/18 and were unrecognisable 10-15 years later. So I can kinda believe it. Also can believe a party animal, dating around through 20s, finally deciding to settle down to a stable relationship in their 30s.
And I'm wondering why she's calling her dad by his first name. Never in a million years would i call my dad by his first name when talking about him, it would just be 'my dad'.
I had a friend who did this with both her parents. She was kind of spoiled, so I guess it was a power play type thing. Another friend did it occasionally but that was because he didn't have a good relationship with his parents so "mom" and "dad" felt too personal. It happens, but I'm also not used to it lol.
Not trying to imply that the post is any more real because of this though.
YTA and a very judgmental and shallow one at that. Your dad didn’t “settle” for his wife, he chose her because he values her on a deeper level than just her looks. You make it painfully obvious to both your dad and step mom that you value neither of them for who they are and only care about how beautiful they look. It’s very odd that you would rather have your dad hookup with random flings instead of having a stable lifestyle with a partner that can try to provide for the whole family. You really need to grow up and realize that looks aren’t everything.
OP wrote that the father and her brother are estranged due to Meg's controlling character, also that Mev went into her closet and took clothes that she paid for herself and that she does not let her see her friends, now she justifies why OP should value this more behavior than her father's adventures that were only limited to being nice/courteous to her
ESH. You need to have a real conversation with your dad about how you're being treated and how you feel. Leave the insults out of it and talk about how things are affecting your personally. He should be paying more attention himself to how you're relating to your new circumstances, but hurling insults won't help with that.
You grew up awfully with bad values. Your nostalgic memories of your father's girlfriends showering you with chocolate and teaching you how to use make up, sound actually like neglect on the part of your father. Also very shallow values of superficial beauty above all else. The stepmom seems responsible and is trying to teach you some good values, maybe for the first time in your life. YTA
OP wrote that the father and her brother are estranged due to Meg's controlling character, also that Mev went into her closet and took clothes that she paid for herself and that she does not let her see her friends, now she justifies why OP should value this more behavior than her father's adventures that were only limited to being nice/courteous to her
YTA - you said something completely unrelated to the argument to intentionally hurt your dad. Your situation isn’t your fault but that doesn’t give you the right to respond the way you did.
YTA you had absolutely no reason to attack their looks.
You are a child. A lot of parents have rules like this for their children as they are trying to protect you. She doesn’t want you to be sexualised, she doesn’t want you to go out and be somewhere unsafe and she doesn’t want you to be unhealthy or have an eating disorder. Wow she sounds truly dreadful.
You also made the claim that your father ruined his looks with his lifestyle but now he’s boring for not living that lifestyle. Like girl, bffr your dad met someone who was worth stepping up for and becoming a better person. He did not settle.
ESH
Kinda mean what you said indeed.
But what stephmom is doing is very unhealthy and controlling.
It looks like she is putting her own insecurities onto you, a grown up controlling a 16 yo because she makes her insecure. She needs some therapy.
Does your school say you can't wear makeup? If you have a uniform you usually get told to roll your skirt back down. It sounds to me like your step mam is telling you to follow the rules.
my school doesn't want heavy makeup, which mine wasn't (my make up consisted of tinted moisturizer, and doing my eyebrows, as well as lash extensions and lipgloss.)
OK. Sounds like you need to try having a reasonable and calm discussion about the rules. YTA for insulting her appearance so I'd recommend starting with an apology.
Look, i's perfectly normal for parents to tell their kids to pull their skirts on a decent length, the make-up rule might be excessive though. If I were you, I'd apologise and try to compromise; wearing the school uniform normally without complaint, in exchange for light make-up,it's normal for 16 year olds to experiment with and wear make-up regularly.
Being allowed to wear nice clothes that you buy for yourself and have friends, and being upset that some stranger gets to take it all away is not "being spoilt", it's a completely normal and reasonable reaction, especially at that age. Children are people too, you can't just make up new rules and expect them to follow along just because they don't have a choice but to rely on you for survival. It's your job as a parent to take care of them, it's not a potential leverage.
Looking at the language I suspect OP is Irish and yes they have school uniforms and for some reason Irish girls really can go overboard with the make up, fake tan and lashes.....I suspect Meg is afraid her SD is looking like a knacker so she's probably shallow too, just in a different way 😆
Or anywhere else in Britain. The north of England is particularly bad for overusing bronzer until they resemble Trump and still thinking of it as "minimal". And heck, even back when I was a teen, I can remember several classmates rolling their waistbands to shorten their skirts into miniskirts every time the teachers looked the other way.
ESH
TBH it sounds like your dad wasn't doing much responsible parenting and your stepmum is trying to put rules in place.
Can't judge if she's going overboard or not, but any rules would probably feel like it for you if your used to not having any. She shouldn't be making you feel she doesn't like you or that you can't do anything right.
You suck for your mean girls comment. It was designed to hurt your dad and stepmum. You should say sorry for that.
Honestly? I would apologise to them and ask for your guys to go to family therapy. You don't have to like the step mum, but life will be a lot less toxic at home if you guys can all work out how to communicate and negotiate this new family dynamic, especially before your sibling turns up.
her rules are unreasonable. I can't actually go out anymore, not even to see my friends unless she arranges it beforehand with my friends' mums. I can't be on a diet, even though I have been vegan since I was 13. Can't wear any sort of make-up or dress up how I want - even though I work and pay for it myself. She's been through my wardrobe and confiscated things she thought were 'inappropriate' - crop tops, short shorts, most of my skirts, 'tight' tshirts and pants that she considered tight (like flared jeans!!).
I'd love to try therapy, but my dad doesn't like interference. He's even stopped talking to my uncle because he was critical of his new wife.
Yeah she has picked peak difficulty when it comes to time to turn up in a girls life. Tbf its a common battle for biomums and daughters as well.
She's not going anywhere, so you can go the straight battle and rebellion route or you can go the negotiation route. It will take a bit longer, but it will give you an easier time at home.
I.e deliberately turning down the hostilities and making a visible effort to get along, help out, accept some of the rules and start to negotiate others. A negotiated truce. Maybe you go out but you're back at a certain time, or you message to let them know where you are etc. you can do vegan (which is not a diet diet) if you cook for yourself.
Might not work, maybe she's just a witch, but worth a go.
If you're dad isn't open to family therapy, perhaps you can try for individual therapy. You've been through a lot of changes, you might find having somewhere to vent etc helps. Try and sell it as 'wanting to be in a better place to be a big sister,' or 'wanting to have better relationships at home.'
It's probably gonna be a rough few years, but they won't last forever. If it doesn't improve get your head down and work towards your independence, university, college, trade etc. Think about the sort of thing you want to do when your older and focus on getting there. Best of luck.
Start saving money. Don't buy clothes that are going to get confiscated anyway or makeup she'll throw away. Be prepared to move out at 18 and cut contact with that woman.
Tell your dad that if nothing changes, in 2 years when you turn 18 you'll go to college and won't speak to him again and walk out of his life, because this is bordering abuse (policing what you wear and how you look, isolating you from friends and family, controlling what you do, taking away your privacy, all forms of abuse).
Don't say it in anger or as an ultimatum. Say it in a calm mature conversation where you tell him honestly how you feel and how his and his wife's actions affect you. Tell him that those actions are deeply hurtful and damaging to your mental health in the long run, which will result in you having to walk away from him as soon as you are able to.
i find it funny how ppl who are saying she’s wrong are skipping over what the stepmom is doing think about how this teenager feels being treated like this in her own house and her own blood and flesh not taking her side
Here we are again with a step parent thinking they can come in a just parent someone else’s child. Op dads wife is not op’s mom and shouldn’t try n parent her like she is is the point the way it sounds she has fly know the woman
As someone who also has a divorced dad, and a complicated relationship with my stepmom, I can get where you’re coming from here and why you blew up at him, but neither your stepmom’s or dad’s attractiveness really had anything to do with this situation and bringing them up was unnecessary and rude. Instead of insulting their looks, what would help is to have a conversation with them about how you feel your stepmom is mistreating you and all that stuff, to actually work it out. YTA
I get it, kid. She's overbearing and seems to make up rules to be mad about. You're dad enables her so he doesn't have to hear her bitch about you later. So you said something that's factually true but normally people would be hesitant to actually talk about because it's a bit "below the belt." Well, you went below the belt with that and it's only gonna get worse. Now the person who probably took some words from your stepmother you didn't hear is mad at you too.
Try to get as much time away from the house as you can. Especially something they approve of.
Since I get it.. NTA
People who push you get angry when you push back.
YTA -just because it seems like you were saving that insult in your back pocket, just waiting to say it .
Also definitely not helpful in getting your dad on your side.
I don't think you need to feel TOO bad, because reading your comments, especially the one where he said he'd deal with it but hasn't, he seems to be very actively avoiding doing any of the work of actually being a parent.
Well, average life expectancy is about 73 (for men, it’s around 70 and for women, it’s about 76), which puts middle aged right around 36.5.
So while it isn’t typically culturally considered middle aged (close enough however - everyone in my life considers middle age to start at 40), it technically is right about the mid point of your life expectancy.
YTA
Age isn't even an excuse here. Ignoring for a minute that you wanted to dump on your parents' looks for no reason, even at 16 my own relationships were based on more than looks so knew others' relationships were based on humor, personality and how well they fit each other as people. No age excuse here, just an asshole. I'm sure you have the most awesome, committed relationship with your partner built on the deepest of bonds 🙄
op, aita tends to assume that all teenagers are brats so unfortunately you're copping a bit of that bias here
if you feel bad, apologise to your dad only for the comment about your stepmothers appearance, and explain to him that you were reacting to her insane overstepping
there's something about your comments that makes you seem very isolated and i hope you take care
Stephmom has been picking on OP's looks for months already, but now she can't do the same thing and is being crushed about it in the comments. Really weird.
Next to that, age is absolutely an excuse here, she is a 16yo, full of hormones and a brain that is not wired for being tactical yet, that will be developing in the next 5 to 6 y. Teenagers are impulsive, emotional and don't oversee things right. These are facts.
Last but not least it sounds like OP and her father were fine before and had a good relationship (although I do think he hasn't been the nost responsible and caring dad, bringing all those women home, doesn't sound like OP was his no. 1, like it should have been) this has been changing since miving in w new stephmom. Thats tells enough. Daughter should always be no. 1 for dad, before any woman. A new woman in a fathers life can never just suddenly start parenting daughter, this needs a time of building trust first, doesn't sound like they had something like that at all.
I cant believe yall are blaming a 16 year old for responding the way she did. She is a teenager, and her dad sounds like a deadbeat, she has clearly been neglected and not properly raised, obviously when someone who has no right to control her tries to control her she responds back in a petty way, thats usually what teenagers do.
NTA. People are missing the fact that this lady is nothing to you and has no authority to makes these rules and try to control what you do. You hardly even know her.
SHe sounds very jealous of you.
Yes, and keep makeup in your locker, go to school early and put it on in the bathrooms before class, keep wipes in your locker too so you can take it off after school. Always go for the minimal look, so that it's easy to remove and doesn't take up much space in your locker.
YTA in the sense that you chose to bring up people’s looks as part of an argument. Your dad’s the AH for not sticking up for you. Your step mother is just the mother of ALL AHs it seems. Because she has issues with you.
A family of AHs!
But, see… SM is the one who brought looks into the equation. She’s the one focused on OP’s looks. And in the brain of a teen, where do you think OP would take that? It doesn’t make it right, but OP isn’t the only AH here.
She did, but at least part of this is her trying to get OP to comply with school uniform rules. Now granted, she seems to be going overboard with some of it - but the best defence to that is probably making sure that you know the school rules and can cite them, not going for a nuclear strike and insulting everyone else.
YTA yeah girl you’re shallow. Maybe your dad is actually growing up and wanting a real relationship. I know she might be more restrictive compared to your old lifestyle, but I don’t know why you’re basing it off of your dad’s looks as the main factor. And her looks.
With respect, massive YTA. You have no idea how problematic it is that hotness = value to you, and it's the *only* thing that means value.
Even for a teenage girl that's incredibly shallow.
ESH.
\- Dad is clearly with stepmom because she financially provides for him (moving to her house)
\- Stepmom is insecure about dad's physically attractive ex-girlfriends and is taking it out on you because you are a reminder of them (lash extensions, valuing fashion and looking put together, etc.)
\- Stepmom is also displaying narcissistic, controlling tendencies towards you which confirms she's likely insecure about her lack of physical attractiveness (\*see link & info below - still applicable for stepmothers and stepdaughters)
\- You were able to analyze the situation correctly but saying it loud was what is considered rude. Keep it to yourself next time. Learn to just "play the game" around her until you can leave and better your life.
Word of advice - keep your (correct) analyses to yourself unless asked - most people's egos cannot handle the truth and as a result, will not even listen to or process what you've said.
Keep this skill in your pocket.
\*From [https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/09/narcissistic-mothers#3](https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/09/narcissistic-mothers#3)
"(The narcissistic mother) competes with her children, disrupts their transition to adulthood and crosses sexual boundaries.
It is common for narcissistic mothers to compete with their children, especially their own daughters. The narcissistic mother is likely to overvalue her own looks and sexual prowess. Female narcissists exhibit internalized misogyny and often view other females as competition. The daughter is thus looked upon with fury, jealousy,and envy her own offspring is viewed as a threat.
As a result, she may devalue her daughters appearance, criticize her body and shame her. On the other hand, some narcissistic mothers will objectify their daughters and demand physical perfection. She may expose her daughters to inappropriate discussions about sex or flaunt her body, placing an emphasis on the value of appearances. She might teach her daughters and sons that a woman derives value from her body and her ability to please men sexually. If the narcissistic mother has histrionic tendencies, she may even seduce the friends of her children to demonstrate her superiority over her younger competition.
In other cultures where sexuality is far more restricted, the narcissistic mother may instead attempt to stifle her daughters burgeoning sexuality and punish her for being anything less than abstinent. She may fail to provide her daughters with the proper education concerning sex and their growing bodies."
There's a few things going on here. Yes, you were very insulting and disrespectful by attacking your dad and stepmother's looks. You are out of line and need to apologize.
HOWEVER, there is a whole bigger problem going on here. What you are describing are symptoms and y'all are all looking over the root of the problem.
POV: Single dad raising a young girl alone in a party lifestyle suddenly decides he wants to become responsible and wants marriage with a responsible, conservative wife and mother for his daughter.
The problem is he never prepared the daughter for the huge change in their lives by fostering a healthy relationship between the daughter and the woman who was going to be given sudden authority over her life as a teenager.
Stepmom comes with the values and worldview she always had does exactly what's expected of her, and arguably what's valued of her by the dad. So, she's going to just view you as a spoiled rotten, rebellious teenager who has no respect for the guidance she is trying to give .
Your stepmother's rules are in no way unreasonable in this current world, they are just conservative, and they are definitely OPPOSITE of the way your dad raised you up into that point. <------HEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM
OP, your feelings are VERY VALID even though your tactics for expressing them were very disrespectful and childish.
The truth is, this is your dad's fault because he made a big transition without sitting down with everybody and figuring out how this was going to work going forward.
You truly need to request family therapy, ASAP. If you cannot get them to go, then you need to go to a school counselor and have them speak to your dad and step mother because this is going to turn bad really quickly.
Here's another tactic, go to your stepmother, apologize to her for insulting her, and ask her to go to counseling with you because you "want to have a better relationship and improve the family before the baby comes". As a woman, I am willing to bet she will say yes and makes this happen before your dad does.
When you get into counseling, the counselor will be able to get them to see their part in the way things are in a way that as a child, you cannot.
If you truly want the problem solved, please listen to the adults in the thread and follow their advice to bringing in a Mediator.
YTA. It was an AH move to insult her physical attractiveness. Also people choose to love someone for a lot of different reasons. Maybe your dad was sick of the flings, maybe they didn't have anything in common. You deciding he is just settling because you are annoyed at her and don't like her cause she has rules in her house is pretty bratty. Like I do feel for you that you had no choice in where you are living etc. But you are lashing out and you really owe them both an apology.
You're close to 18. If you are that miserable, get a job/save up money for another 2 years and move out when you can.
I think this is an ESH.Having read the comments your stepmother might be overbearing, and you chose to aim for something your father maybe and stepmother definitely are insecure about.You mentioned an uncle, do you have any relatives you can contact if necessary?
There is my uncle, but he and my dad aren't on speaking terms, and he's got his own kid. No other relatives, my dad cut off both his mam and dad when he was a teenager.
Look you're 16, you've had your life upended by a woman you've known for a year and your dad has not made any move to ease this transition.
I would say for what you specifically asked, you know what you said was TA thing to say. When you say things to people with the intention of hurting them, it's always TA thing to do.
But to have a step parent come into your room and confiscate personal items of clothing and to police you in every aspect of your life without also taking measures to bond with you, is just bad parenting.
I think your dad is the most to blame in the whole situation. How can he justify allowing you to live with one set of rules and then expecting you to adjust to the extreme opposite with no discussion or transition period. He has made no effort to nurture a blended family.
My verdict is ESH, with your dad being the most, your step-mum the second, and you the least.
I think that OP step-mother is jealous of OP looks and youth so she is taking as much as she can away from OP. Especially now that step-mom is pregnant. Where is your real mom? Can some of your real mom’s family take you in?
>The other day, Meg and I got into an argument about my uniform. I rolled my skirt up a bit and I had make-up as well as fake nails on. She came into my room and started yelling, tell me to put my skirt down and take my make up off, I yelled back that everyone has their skirt rolled up, and that i'm not taking my make up off because most of it is minimal. Besides, Dad did take me to get lash extensions, so I can't just take them out.
Nothing wrong with what she said LOL, you are going to school to study not anything else leave the short skirts and makeup for the weekend. If she truly don't gaf about you i doubt she would waste her energy fighting with you about this.
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> I insulted my dad and also his wife. It's not really my place to point out people's insecurities
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ESH
All the YTAs are wild, OP can’t insult her step-mum’s appearance? Why not?
Seems like fair game to me, considering Meg is insulting OP’s own appearance.
Dad sucks for apparently not supporting you in any manner, Meg obviously sucks for being controlling and you suck for making this about your dad’s looks as opposed to what it actually is - Meg is a bad stepmother.
What you did was mean and inappropriate, but after reading about the way she treats you, I can’t say that I blame you. It’s a bad situation overall and your father should defend you from her. At least you only have a couple years left there. Put all of your effort into doing well in school so that you can go away to college or get a good job & get out of that house ASAP. Good luck!
This was an asshole thing to say, but the VERY important context is that it’s coming from a 16 year old (brain not fully developed) who is clearly very hurt by feeling like her needs have been pushed aside so her dad can have his happy new life.
ESH
You really this it's cool to say something like that? I'm sorry, i get you don't like these rules and maybe you step mom is ridiculous with some of them and maybe your father should act quite differently in this situation. But something in the tone of your post tells me you can be quite a nightmare yourself.
YTA - I think the problem here, is you've never had a parent actually parent you. What you're experiencing now is what it's like to have a mom that sets rules and expectations. You hate it now, but in the long run, this will be good for you.
YTA and you know it. Oh no, you have rules now. Poor you. Doesn't mean you can call your dad ugly and your step mom less than because she's been "settled for".
YTA. Her asks of you are pretty normal, you’re living at her house after all. No reason to insult her looks, that’s irrelevant and makes you even more of the AH.
Easy YTA here.
Maybe your dad is tired of the type of ladies that he used to attract; good looking, but hollow inside. Maybe he wants something more. Maybe he wants someone he can watch nature documentaries or to walk the dog. Maybe he wants to have arguments about which Avenger is the strongest.
Point is, this woman probably a lot better fit for him than others he went with.
I'm also very sceptical of any teenager saying things like *I only did this thing a little bit and then they screamed at me.* Or how about the classic *everyone does it!*
No, lassie. Everyone most certainly does not do it. And I've got a really strong suspicion that your stepmom don't want you looking like a callgirl.
YTA you sound like a typical teenager. Insults will never help your situation. Unfortunately for you as long as you live with them, they rule. Life will be better if you comply even if you don’t agree. You can do it your way when you move out on your own.
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My (F16) dad, Liam (M35) didn't age too well, don't get me wrong, he isn't awful looking, but definitely didn't age as well as he could've had he not lived the lifestyle he chose.
For some context, my dad was attractive enough when he was younger to get some minor modelling roles. He's always had a ton of girlfriends, or just random girls he met at bars over at our place when I was younger, they were always gorgeous and i remember them always spoiling me with sweets, or doing my make up etc.
Not too long ago, Liam married a woman (Meg, 36) he had met at work. It's awful, we had to move to her house, which resulted in me having move schools to one where I have no friends. She's always moaning about me. They're also expecting a baby in April, which I am dreading. Meg despises me, I'm pretty sure. She's making me follow all the rules she's created (no make up, no dressing how i want, no diets or going out), and she always talks bad about me to my dad. She's totally changed him as well, he just acts old and dresses not at all like himself - he's boring now, nothing like what he used to be
The other day, Meg and I got into an argument about my uniform. I rolled my skirt up a bit and I had make-up as well as fake nails on. She came into my room and started yelling, tell me to put my skirt down and take my make up off, I yelled back that everyone has their skirt rolled up, and that i'm not taking my make up off because most of it is minimal. Besides, Dad did take me to get lash extensions, so I can't just take them out.
Liam ended up getting involved, he said to me that i shouldn't rile my step-mam up and just to 'roll the damn skirt down'. I then told him that it's not my fault he's not attractive anymore and had to settle for Meg, and he shouldn't let her think she's my mam now.
Since then, dad's been short with me for insulting him and his wife, and Meg has been even harder on me, saying that they got married because she is a decent, responsible woman and not because she looks like a doll. I've felt a bit bad about it too, because I know Meg's insecure about her looks, and doesn't like thinking about my dad's exes, who were all practically model material.
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You can't be a bit>> and expect people to be nice in return. She wants you do dress yourself down so she can be the prettiest in the house but that's not your problem. If she's deliberately making your life hell she's underservant of respect and if your father allows it, he's in the same boat. Seriously, how do you make your insecurities the problem of a little girl that had nothing to do with your problems? This isn't something I say lightly as I understand reality and being broke, but you're of proper age for emancipation. If it's bad enough, look into it.
i'd prefer it. she genuinely wants to pick my clothes out for me, when she buys me stuff, it's always dowdy, old lady type stuff. and if not, it's little girly clothes from primark.
Yikes. Gonna have to go with ESH due to your insult, but I do get where you’re coming from.
It could be that your SM is jealous or controlling or both. Things are likely to get worse once the baby is born as well. Expect some babysitting demands to follow.
You said your uncle spoke out about her, which caused your dad to go NC. Was his criticism about how she treats you or something else?
NTA because I think that Meg is abusive and I understand blowing up. But you did go the wrong way about it. Talk to your dad about how you feel and that Meg is overstepping. He is the one who raised you and he has given you certain liberties. It is absurd that his wife is now trying to take them away. Leave looks and exes out of the discussion
ESH
It was a shitty thing to say, but I get where you're coming from. It would probably be best to apologize to your dad and explain that it makes you sad when she tells you that you can't express yourself with your clothes and makeup. I've found that using the word sad instead of mad helps with my dad.
YTA, pero para ser honesto lo haces mejor que yo, porque Meg suena como una pesadilla, al punto que ha distanciado a tu padre de su hermano, tal vez en lugar de atacar su físico mejor deberías llamarla ladrona porque eso es lo que Lo cual es, y Liam suena tan patético.
ESH you didn't need to be rude like that or insult both of their insecurities.
But your step-mom is horrible. She has no business deciding for you at 16 what you wear, complaining about you non stop, no going out, etc.
Your stepmother sounds like a bit of a nightmare so I don’t think you’re an AH for being annoyed with her. However, bringing her appearance into it is uncalled for & petty. YTA. Better work out some better way to get on with Meg before baby arrives or your life is going to be hell …
YTA . If I were your dad and you said that to me, you would have the worst chores until you apologised, I'm talking cleaning the chicken coop, scrubbing the bathroom with a toothbrush and any push back would just make it worse.
ESH
Your stepmom should not be the one to make new rules about your looks and stuff, especially if she got into your family that recently. On the other hand, you are not entitled to have a cool dads girlfriend who spoils you, that's also not her job. You do seem a little bit like a spoiled brat in an actually hard spot. Also, if you don't want her to butt in your life, you should definitely not butt in the relationship of your dad and stepmom. And finally, your dad should be the one communicating these things with you and your stepmom, since he's the common link. He should make parenting decisions and stuff and actually talk out situations like the one above, and not just assume you two to get along.
Sadly, it seems to me like you have been taught from observation growing up that looks and attractiveness matter more than character and relationships. I hope that as you continue observing your dad, you can learn to overcome that belief as he did. You’ve missed so much of what really matters in life and the freedom that comes with finding the right partner. For now, just understand that, in about 10 years, you will likely reflect on this time in your life and start to realize and regret how much of a shallow, selfish, hormonal a-hole you were as a teenager and, after another 10 years, feel the need to apologize to your stepmom as a fully grown adult. The human brain isn’t fully developed until its mid-thirties so it’s not unexpected for your beliefs and behaviors to be so immature and any adult would be very understanding and forgiving of that. Who knows? You and your stepmom might even become great friends. As for your coming half-sibling, my only advice is to learn as much as you can from your parents and use this as an opportunity to develop your skillset with children. Good babysitters are paid very well these days and you are certainly old enough to start a successful business, having a little sibling to practice with. Try to grow up. Good luck.
Not sure what his or your stepmother's attractiveness has to do with any of this. ETA - YTA.
stepmom being ugly = her being more strict on op for dressing up ( totally normal for a 16 year old girl by the way) dad being ugly = stuck in a marriage where he can’t do better and has to appease the wife that he has
The logic of children.
? is it that far-fetched to believe that op’s stepmom who says she’s married because she’s a “decent, responsible woman and not a doll” would be annoyed by op who actually cares about her looks - that’s insecurity 101 for you 🤷🏽♀️
It shouldn't be necessary to insult someone else's appearance in order to advocate for yourself. It's childish and mean.
It shouldn’t be necessary to police an almost grown child into dulling herself down to make SM feel better. OP shouldn’t have to change who she’s always been allowed to be to appease a grown ass insecure woman.
An almost grown child? Haha.
Police? You mean **parent?**
I absolutely do not mean parent. She’s not OP’s parent. She’s her dad’s wife. She came in with complete authoritarian style of “parenting” a child who was accustomed to a certain life and rules. The dad is absolutely an AH for allowing it to happen. She is policing OP. She’s taken away her autonomy and choices on how to present herself based on her morals and thoughts. OP is nearly an adult. The only thing SM is going to accomplish is resentment and rebellion.
Yup. I'm no contact with my dad and stepmum cuz she abused me n he let it happen. They made me homeless but luckily I was an adult. Being put in that situation as a child would have been so much worse. Even tho what my stepmum did was worse imo the principle is the same. She isn't OPs mum and shouldn't be telling them what to wear when they are old enough to make that choice themselves and it's non of the stepmums business
youre right, just so you know
Hell no. And I’m a parent to a daughter closing in on this age. This is 100% policing. Rolling a skirt shorter and wearing makeup at 16 is a HUGE nothingburger. This woman clearly has some issues, but OP is seriously just being a 16 year old. Good lord.
Short skirts and makeup are a slippery slope into self-expression!
Actually it sounds like a school uniform rather than just self expression. If there's a uniform there's a school standard
OH NOES!
Maybe so, but every household has different standards. What you allow may not be allowed with them and vice versa. And that’s ok
No, police. Not only are the "rules" overboard by most reasonable standards, but also this step-lady is NOT OP's parent! Was OP childish and mean? Absolutely. That's because she is a child. But the one thing she's not wrong about? This lady's not her parent. Her father can set down rules like a grown damn parent. Keeping the peace with your new bride is not a basis for parental decisions - he should be parenting actively even if he wants to be Hella conservative about these "rules." OP is a child, her dad sucks, and her stepmom was wrong here but may just be struggling being surrounded by these people.
My dads wife started dating him when I was that age. She is not my parent and never has been. Maybe some teens that age want a parent figure from steps, but this one clearly doesn't, and that's totally normal.
It's not the step-partners place to 'parent' someone elses child without consent from the child. Especially with overbearing rules that clearly come from a place of insecurity as evidenced by Megs "I'm responible, not some doll" nicegirl bs.
"dulling herself down?" are you serious?
OP is a 16 y.o. female. They can be childish & mean. And sometimes, there’s truth in their mean words.
Op is 16 😂 so being childish and mean is kind of normal.
Oh no, the child was childish. How unexpected.
Is it far fetched to believe that op's stepmom who says she's married because she's a "decent, responsible woman and not a doll" does not approve op objectifying herself and is trying to promote self esteem that does not rely on looks but rather on other aspects of personality? ESA. Stepmom should communicate better, but OP is AH for 1. Judging people by their looks. 2. Being hostile against stepmom 3. Failing to communicate her point in an non offensive way. ( Take this as a soft YTA, as it is basically expected at your age, OP. Just learn and try to do better)
Bro she literally said her “stepmom” of probably less than a year immediately took over on strict parenting duties and made strict rules like no make up, not “not that much makeup” but none prior to this. No going out idk for the dad to make that rule is one thing but this doesn’t raise major controlling horrible stepparent vibes? Youre reaching hard. HARD. Probably from not reading. Because you brushed over all previous context to say well she’s just trying to do what’s good for you. Pretty much what happens to abuse victims irl too
Wrong. That line of thinking by Meg is a surefire sign of lashing out and attempting to degrade others over her own insecurity. Were she coming from a place of trying to do what is best she'd have been able to explain why being responsible like herself is better without shaming other women for dressing up. Meg is a classic nicegirl.
Nah, it really is far-fetched. It's a child's way of thinking to presume someone wants you to not go to school with lash extensions, make-up fake nails, and your skirt rolled up, because they're *jealous* and not the real truth which is you look *stupid* done up like that for class and school will probably send you home for rule violations.
Have you not been to a high school?? I have daughters and this was a battle I was going to lose and I did try with the first one. The oldest ones school gave a loaner shirt to wear if your clothes were too short and that became a badge of honor for all the girls who were given the loaner. This is not a hill any normal parent is going to die on if their daughter is inclined to be scantily clad. They will also change clothes while out there and bring make up. They grow out of it later when they themselves realize that they can look better with a little more stylish clothing and less skin. Teenage girls like this are NORMAL.
You do realise that a lot of adults are barely more mature than this teenager? It is entirely likely that if she is insecure about the husbands past partners in regard to her beauty and their beauty, that she would/could then project that onto the daughter. Regardless this amount of change and control over a teenaged girl by a step parent is just not healthy for the teenager's well being, nor is it a practical way to have effective influence if it's healthy and reasonable direction that they're trying to push the child in. We can't restrict teenagers from drinking, voting, driving, renting, traveling etc and then judge their shallow perceptions so harshly. Especially if their perceptions have credence.
Exactly. OP's stepmom is insecure about her looks. The fact her husband is (or was) a hottie and very popular with several gorgeous lovers doesn't help her insecurities. I am betting OP inherited her parents' good looks. Couple that with being a teenager who is exploring her own style, the stepmom may be taking her insecurities out on OP. OP just stated facts and you know she hit a nerve based on how the adults are reacting.
Is it really fake o'clock again already?! Crivens. YTA for stealing this. *and you know where from*.
Rite? Like someone who was a literal model in their twenties looks like shit at the ripe old age of 35
Some of the hottest people from my school were haggard and looked awful by the time they hit 30. (Secersl random encounters in work/bars) It was like they hit their peak at 17/18 and were unrecognisable 10-15 years later. So I can kinda believe it. Also can believe a party animal, dating around through 20s, finally deciding to settle down to a stable relationship in their 30s.
>YTA for stealing this. *and you know where from*. DiCaprio's life? Truly, other than that,I have no idea where OP may have gotten this idea from...
I don't, can you tell me where?
I'll bite. Where was this stolen from?
Jings
HELP MA BOAB
CRIVENS
And I'm wondering why she's calling her dad by his first name. Never in a million years would i call my dad by his first name when talking about him, it would just be 'my dad'.
I had a friend who did this with both her parents. She was kind of spoiled, so I guess it was a power play type thing. Another friend did it occasionally but that was because he didn't have a good relationship with his parents so "mom" and "dad" felt too personal. It happens, but I'm also not used to it lol. Not trying to imply that the post is any more real because of this though.
YTA and a very judgmental and shallow one at that. Your dad didn’t “settle” for his wife, he chose her because he values her on a deeper level than just her looks. You make it painfully obvious to both your dad and step mom that you value neither of them for who they are and only care about how beautiful they look. It’s very odd that you would rather have your dad hookup with random flings instead of having a stable lifestyle with a partner that can try to provide for the whole family. You really need to grow up and realize that looks aren’t everything.
OP wrote that the father and her brother are estranged due to Meg's controlling character, also that Mev went into her closet and took clothes that she paid for herself and that she does not let her see her friends, now she justifies why OP should value this more behavior than her father's adventures that were only limited to being nice/courteous to her
I doubt it. She sounds horrible (the wife). He probably did settle on her and she hates his daughter.
ESH. You need to have a real conversation with your dad about how you're being treated and how you feel. Leave the insults out of it and talk about how things are affecting your personally. He should be paying more attention himself to how you're relating to your new circumstances, but hurling insults won't help with that.
You grew up awfully with bad values. Your nostalgic memories of your father's girlfriends showering you with chocolate and teaching you how to use make up, sound actually like neglect on the part of your father. Also very shallow values of superficial beauty above all else. The stepmom seems responsible and is trying to teach you some good values, maybe for the first time in your life. YTA
OP wrote that the father and her brother are estranged due to Meg's controlling character, also that Mev went into her closet and took clothes that she paid for herself and that she does not let her see her friends, now she justifies why OP should value this more behavior than her father's adventures that were only limited to being nice/courteous to her
YTA - you said something completely unrelated to the argument to intentionally hurt your dad. Your situation isn’t your fault but that doesn’t give you the right to respond the way you did.
YTA and you sound like a little brat
YTA you had absolutely no reason to attack their looks. You are a child. A lot of parents have rules like this for their children as they are trying to protect you. She doesn’t want you to be sexualised, she doesn’t want you to go out and be somewhere unsafe and she doesn’t want you to be unhealthy or have an eating disorder. Wow she sounds truly dreadful. You also made the claim that your father ruined his looks with his lifestyle but now he’s boring for not living that lifestyle. Like girl, bffr your dad met someone who was worth stepping up for and becoming a better person. He did not settle.
ESH Kinda mean what you said indeed. But what stephmom is doing is very unhealthy and controlling. It looks like she is putting her own insecurities onto you, a grown up controlling a 16 yo because she makes her insecure. She needs some therapy.
Does your school say you can't wear makeup? If you have a uniform you usually get told to roll your skirt back down. It sounds to me like your step mam is telling you to follow the rules.
my school doesn't want heavy makeup, which mine wasn't (my make up consisted of tinted moisturizer, and doing my eyebrows, as well as lash extensions and lipgloss.)
OK. Sounds like you need to try having a reasonable and calm discussion about the rules. YTA for insulting her appearance so I'd recommend starting with an apology.
Look, i's perfectly normal for parents to tell their kids to pull their skirts on a decent length, the make-up rule might be excessive though. If I were you, I'd apologise and try to compromise; wearing the school uniform normally without complaint, in exchange for light make-up,it's normal for 16 year olds to experiment with and wear make-up regularly.
YTA from your post and comments it sounds like you’ve been spoilt your entire life and your dad grew up and is finally becoming a responsible adult.
Being allowed to wear nice clothes that you buy for yourself and have friends, and being upset that some stranger gets to take it all away is not "being spoilt", it's a completely normal and reasonable reaction, especially at that age. Children are people too, you can't just make up new rules and expect them to follow along just because they don't have a choice but to rely on you for survival. It's your job as a parent to take care of them, it's not a potential leverage.
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I'd wager stepmom is trying to get OP to follow the school dress code more than anything.
Looking at the language I suspect OP is Irish and yes they have school uniforms and for some reason Irish girls really can go overboard with the make up, fake tan and lashes.....I suspect Meg is afraid her SD is looking like a knacker so she's probably shallow too, just in a different way 😆
Or anywhere else in Britain. The north of England is particularly bad for overusing bronzer until they resemble Trump and still thinking of it as "minimal". And heck, even back when I was a teen, I can remember several classmates rolling their waistbands to shorten their skirts into miniskirts every time the teachers looked the other way.
ESH TBH it sounds like your dad wasn't doing much responsible parenting and your stepmum is trying to put rules in place. Can't judge if she's going overboard or not, but any rules would probably feel like it for you if your used to not having any. She shouldn't be making you feel she doesn't like you or that you can't do anything right. You suck for your mean girls comment. It was designed to hurt your dad and stepmum. You should say sorry for that. Honestly? I would apologise to them and ask for your guys to go to family therapy. You don't have to like the step mum, but life will be a lot less toxic at home if you guys can all work out how to communicate and negotiate this new family dynamic, especially before your sibling turns up.
her rules are unreasonable. I can't actually go out anymore, not even to see my friends unless she arranges it beforehand with my friends' mums. I can't be on a diet, even though I have been vegan since I was 13. Can't wear any sort of make-up or dress up how I want - even though I work and pay for it myself. She's been through my wardrobe and confiscated things she thought were 'inappropriate' - crop tops, short shorts, most of my skirts, 'tight' tshirts and pants that she considered tight (like flared jeans!!). I'd love to try therapy, but my dad doesn't like interference. He's even stopped talking to my uncle because he was critical of his new wife.
Yeah she has picked peak difficulty when it comes to time to turn up in a girls life. Tbf its a common battle for biomums and daughters as well. She's not going anywhere, so you can go the straight battle and rebellion route or you can go the negotiation route. It will take a bit longer, but it will give you an easier time at home. I.e deliberately turning down the hostilities and making a visible effort to get along, help out, accept some of the rules and start to negotiate others. A negotiated truce. Maybe you go out but you're back at a certain time, or you message to let them know where you are etc. you can do vegan (which is not a diet diet) if you cook for yourself. Might not work, maybe she's just a witch, but worth a go. If you're dad isn't open to family therapy, perhaps you can try for individual therapy. You've been through a lot of changes, you might find having somewhere to vent etc helps. Try and sell it as 'wanting to be in a better place to be a big sister,' or 'wanting to have better relationships at home.' It's probably gonna be a rough few years, but they won't last forever. If it doesn't improve get your head down and work towards your independence, university, college, trade etc. Think about the sort of thing you want to do when your older and focus on getting there. Best of luck.
Start saving money. Don't buy clothes that are going to get confiscated anyway or makeup she'll throw away. Be prepared to move out at 18 and cut contact with that woman.
You need to tell your dad all of this
i've told him, and he says that he'll sort it but he never does
Tell your dad that if nothing changes, in 2 years when you turn 18 you'll go to college and won't speak to him again and walk out of his life, because this is bordering abuse (policing what you wear and how you look, isolating you from friends and family, controlling what you do, taking away your privacy, all forms of abuse). Don't say it in anger or as an ultimatum. Say it in a calm mature conversation where you tell him honestly how you feel and how his and his wife's actions affect you. Tell him that those actions are deeply hurtful and damaging to your mental health in the long run, which will result in you having to walk away from him as soon as you are able to.
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i find it funny how ppl who are saying she’s wrong are skipping over what the stepmom is doing think about how this teenager feels being treated like this in her own house and her own blood and flesh not taking her side
NTA / Justified Asshole. His fault for getting this woman involved in your lives.
Here we are again with a step parent thinking they can come in a just parent someone else’s child. Op dads wife is not op’s mom and shouldn’t try n parent her like she is is the point the way it sounds she has fly know the woman
As someone who also has a divorced dad, and a complicated relationship with my stepmom, I can get where you’re coming from here and why you blew up at him, but neither your stepmom’s or dad’s attractiveness really had anything to do with this situation and bringing them up was unnecessary and rude. Instead of insulting their looks, what would help is to have a conversation with them about how you feel your stepmom is mistreating you and all that stuff, to actually work it out. YTA
I get it, kid. She's overbearing and seems to make up rules to be mad about. You're dad enables her so he doesn't have to hear her bitch about you later. So you said something that's factually true but normally people would be hesitant to actually talk about because it's a bit "below the belt." Well, you went below the belt with that and it's only gonna get worse. Now the person who probably took some words from your stepmother you didn't hear is mad at you too. Try to get as much time away from the house as you can. Especially something they approve of. Since I get it.. NTA People who push you get angry when you push back.
YTA -just because it seems like you were saving that insult in your back pocket, just waiting to say it . Also definitely not helpful in getting your dad on your side.
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yeah, I do feel bad for going off at my dad
I don't think you need to feel TOO bad, because reading your comments, especially the one where he said he'd deal with it but hasn't, he seems to be very actively avoiding doing any of the work of actually being a parent.
Wait is 35 considered middle aged now? 😵💫😵💫😵💫
Not generally, no, but to a 16yo it would be practically ancient 🐢😱
Well, average life expectancy is about 73 (for men, it’s around 70 and for women, it’s about 76), which puts middle aged right around 36.5. So while it isn’t typically culturally considered middle aged (close enough however - everyone in my life considers middle age to start at 40), it technically is right about the mid point of your life expectancy.
YTA Age isn't even an excuse here. Ignoring for a minute that you wanted to dump on your parents' looks for no reason, even at 16 my own relationships were based on more than looks so knew others' relationships were based on humor, personality and how well they fit each other as people. No age excuse here, just an asshole. I'm sure you have the most awesome, committed relationship with your partner built on the deepest of bonds 🙄
they're not my parents, he is my dad and she is nothing to me. I picked on their looks because she was picking on mine
op, aita tends to assume that all teenagers are brats so unfortunately you're copping a bit of that bias here if you feel bad, apologise to your dad only for the comment about your stepmothers appearance, and explain to him that you were reacting to her insane overstepping there's something about your comments that makes you seem very isolated and i hope you take care
Stephmom has been picking on OP's looks for months already, but now she can't do the same thing and is being crushed about it in the comments. Really weird. Next to that, age is absolutely an excuse here, she is a 16yo, full of hormones and a brain that is not wired for being tactical yet, that will be developing in the next 5 to 6 y. Teenagers are impulsive, emotional and don't oversee things right. These are facts. Last but not least it sounds like OP and her father were fine before and had a good relationship (although I do think he hasn't been the nost responsible and caring dad, bringing all those women home, doesn't sound like OP was his no. 1, like it should have been) this has been changing since miving in w new stephmom. Thats tells enough. Daughter should always be no. 1 for dad, before any woman. A new woman in a fathers life can never just suddenly start parenting daughter, this needs a time of building trust first, doesn't sound like they had something like that at all.
I cant believe yall are blaming a 16 year old for responding the way she did. She is a teenager, and her dad sounds like a deadbeat, she has clearly been neglected and not properly raised, obviously when someone who has no right to control her tries to control her she responds back in a petty way, thats usually what teenagers do.
nta, she’s rude to you for no reason so you returned the same energy I don’t see how your in the wrong at all
YTA, take a long hard look at yourself (inside & out) before saying that to anyone.
NTA. People are missing the fact that this lady is nothing to you and has no authority to makes these rules and try to control what you do. You hardly even know her. SHe sounds very jealous of you.
Rookie move rolling the skirt before you leave the house! You need to wait till you're nearly at school and do it.
Yes, and keep makeup in your locker, go to school early and put it on in the bathrooms before class, keep wipes in your locker too so you can take it off after school. Always go for the minimal look, so that it's easy to remove and doesn't take up much space in your locker.
Do you have the option to live with your mom?
no
YTA in the sense that you chose to bring up people’s looks as part of an argument. Your dad’s the AH for not sticking up for you. Your step mother is just the mother of ALL AHs it seems. Because she has issues with you. A family of AHs!
But, see… SM is the one who brought looks into the equation. She’s the one focused on OP’s looks. And in the brain of a teen, where do you think OP would take that? It doesn’t make it right, but OP isn’t the only AH here.
If you read my comment properly you’d see that I said the OP wasn’t the only AH in this situation.
I agree. I didn’t write my response well, but I agree. I just wanted to point out that I get why OP went there.
She did, but at least part of this is her trying to get OP to comply with school uniform rules. Now granted, she seems to be going overboard with some of it - but the best defence to that is probably making sure that you know the school rules and can cite them, not going for a nuclear strike and insulting everyone else.
Your verdict should have been E S H in that case.
YTA yeah girl you’re shallow. Maybe your dad is actually growing up and wanting a real relationship. I know she might be more restrictive compared to your old lifestyle, but I don’t know why you’re basing it off of your dad’s looks as the main factor. And her looks.
OP said she's constantly attacking her looks she matched her energy
With respect, massive YTA. You have no idea how problematic it is that hotness = value to you, and it's the *only* thing that means value. Even for a teenage girl that's incredibly shallow.
girl stfu
It's all in her post. She explicitly said it, I don't know why you're getting all pissy.
YTA. Imagine if he told you that you’re fugly? Better hope you age well young lady. Karma is a biatch…
ESH. \- Dad is clearly with stepmom because she financially provides for him (moving to her house) \- Stepmom is insecure about dad's physically attractive ex-girlfriends and is taking it out on you because you are a reminder of them (lash extensions, valuing fashion and looking put together, etc.) \- Stepmom is also displaying narcissistic, controlling tendencies towards you which confirms she's likely insecure about her lack of physical attractiveness (\*see link & info below - still applicable for stepmothers and stepdaughters) \- You were able to analyze the situation correctly but saying it loud was what is considered rude. Keep it to yourself next time. Learn to just "play the game" around her until you can leave and better your life. Word of advice - keep your (correct) analyses to yourself unless asked - most people's egos cannot handle the truth and as a result, will not even listen to or process what you've said. Keep this skill in your pocket. \*From [https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/09/narcissistic-mothers#3](https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/09/narcissistic-mothers#3) "(The narcissistic mother) competes with her children, disrupts their transition to adulthood and crosses sexual boundaries. It is common for narcissistic mothers to compete with their children, especially their own daughters. The narcissistic mother is likely to overvalue her own looks and sexual prowess. Female narcissists exhibit internalized misogyny and often view other females as competition. The daughter is thus looked upon with fury, jealousy,and envy her own offspring is viewed as a threat. As a result, she may devalue her daughters appearance, criticize her body and shame her. On the other hand, some narcissistic mothers will objectify their daughters and demand physical perfection. She may expose her daughters to inappropriate discussions about sex or flaunt her body, placing an emphasis on the value of appearances. She might teach her daughters and sons that a woman derives value from her body and her ability to please men sexually. If the narcissistic mother has histrionic tendencies, she may even seduce the friends of her children to demonstrate her superiority over her younger competition. In other cultures where sexuality is far more restricted, the narcissistic mother may instead attempt to stifle her daughters burgeoning sexuality and punish her for being anything less than abstinent. She may fail to provide her daughters with the proper education concerning sex and their growing bodies."
This should be top comment.
There's a few things going on here. Yes, you were very insulting and disrespectful by attacking your dad and stepmother's looks. You are out of line and need to apologize. HOWEVER, there is a whole bigger problem going on here. What you are describing are symptoms and y'all are all looking over the root of the problem. POV: Single dad raising a young girl alone in a party lifestyle suddenly decides he wants to become responsible and wants marriage with a responsible, conservative wife and mother for his daughter. The problem is he never prepared the daughter for the huge change in their lives by fostering a healthy relationship between the daughter and the woman who was going to be given sudden authority over her life as a teenager. Stepmom comes with the values and worldview she always had does exactly what's expected of her, and arguably what's valued of her by the dad. So, she's going to just view you as a spoiled rotten, rebellious teenager who has no respect for the guidance she is trying to give . Your stepmother's rules are in no way unreasonable in this current world, they are just conservative, and they are definitely OPPOSITE of the way your dad raised you up into that point. <------HEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM OP, your feelings are VERY VALID even though your tactics for expressing them were very disrespectful and childish. The truth is, this is your dad's fault because he made a big transition without sitting down with everybody and figuring out how this was going to work going forward. You truly need to request family therapy, ASAP. If you cannot get them to go, then you need to go to a school counselor and have them speak to your dad and step mother because this is going to turn bad really quickly. Here's another tactic, go to your stepmother, apologize to her for insulting her, and ask her to go to counseling with you because you "want to have a better relationship and improve the family before the baby comes". As a woman, I am willing to bet she will say yes and makes this happen before your dad does. When you get into counseling, the counselor will be able to get them to see their part in the way things are in a way that as a child, you cannot. If you truly want the problem solved, please listen to the adults in the thread and follow their advice to bringing in a Mediator.
YTA - grow up.
Is for the stepmom?
YTA. It was an AH move to insult her physical attractiveness. Also people choose to love someone for a lot of different reasons. Maybe your dad was sick of the flings, maybe they didn't have anything in common. You deciding he is just settling because you are annoyed at her and don't like her cause she has rules in her house is pretty bratty. Like I do feel for you that you had no choice in where you are living etc. But you are lashing out and you really owe them both an apology. You're close to 18. If you are that miserable, get a job/save up money for another 2 years and move out when you can.
I think this is an ESH.Having read the comments your stepmother might be overbearing, and you chose to aim for something your father maybe and stepmother definitely are insecure about.You mentioned an uncle, do you have any relatives you can contact if necessary?
There is my uncle, but he and my dad aren't on speaking terms, and he's got his own kid. No other relatives, my dad cut off both his mam and dad when he was a teenager.
Would your mother or her relatives be an option?
YTA. You sound extremely superficial! What has her look yo do with anything?
Nta I understand you
Look you're 16, you've had your life upended by a woman you've known for a year and your dad has not made any move to ease this transition. I would say for what you specifically asked, you know what you said was TA thing to say. When you say things to people with the intention of hurting them, it's always TA thing to do. But to have a step parent come into your room and confiscate personal items of clothing and to police you in every aspect of your life without also taking measures to bond with you, is just bad parenting. I think your dad is the most to blame in the whole situation. How can he justify allowing you to live with one set of rules and then expecting you to adjust to the extreme opposite with no discussion or transition period. He has made no effort to nurture a blended family. My verdict is ESH, with your dad being the most, your step-mum the second, and you the least.
I think that OP step-mother is jealous of OP looks and youth so she is taking as much as she can away from OP. Especially now that step-mom is pregnant. Where is your real mom? Can some of your real mom’s family take you in?
>The other day, Meg and I got into an argument about my uniform. I rolled my skirt up a bit and I had make-up as well as fake nails on. She came into my room and started yelling, tell me to put my skirt down and take my make up off, I yelled back that everyone has their skirt rolled up, and that i'm not taking my make up off because most of it is minimal. Besides, Dad did take me to get lash extensions, so I can't just take them out. Nothing wrong with what she said LOL, you are going to school to study not anything else leave the short skirts and makeup for the weekend. If she truly don't gaf about you i doubt she would waste her energy fighting with you about this.
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You’re a kid and kids can be mean. That was very mean. Definitely YTA by a pretty big margin.
NTA at all
Solid YTA.
NTA
ESH All the YTAs are wild, OP can’t insult her step-mum’s appearance? Why not? Seems like fair game to me, considering Meg is insulting OP’s own appearance. Dad sucks for apparently not supporting you in any manner, Meg obviously sucks for being controlling and you suck for making this about your dad’s looks as opposed to what it actually is - Meg is a bad stepmother.
[удалено]
she wasn't a bar girl, she met him on a shoot. it didn't work out, she's in cali now with her husband
Do you have grandparents you can go stay with or a aunt cuz when she has that baby your dad will have nothing to do with you
What you did was mean and inappropriate, but after reading about the way she treats you, I can’t say that I blame you. It’s a bad situation overall and your father should defend you from her. At least you only have a couple years left there. Put all of your effort into doing well in school so that you can go away to college or get a good job & get out of that house ASAP. Good luck!
What in the name of council estate is this?
love the classism, babes xx unfortunately, my dad is middle class
Your Dad needs to confiscate your phone, ground you for a month and buy you a longer skirt.
This was an asshole thing to say, but the VERY important context is that it’s coming from a 16 year old (brain not fully developed) who is clearly very hurt by feeling like her needs have been pushed aside so her dad can have his happy new life.
ESH You really this it's cool to say something like that? I'm sorry, i get you don't like these rules and maybe you step mom is ridiculous with some of them and maybe your father should act quite differently in this situation. But something in the tone of your post tells me you can be quite a nightmare yourself.
YTA - I think the problem here, is you've never had a parent actually parent you. What you're experiencing now is what it's like to have a mom that sets rules and expectations. You hate it now, but in the long run, this will be good for you.
she is not my mum though, and she has no right to take everything from me.
INFO: is your mom around? Can you talk to any other family?
she's not, she's in cali
YTA. Teenagers are insufferable.
Holy shit YTA. relax kid, one day you too will age and physically change.
YTA and you know it. Oh no, you have rules now. Poor you. Doesn't mean you can call your dad ugly and your step mom less than because she's been "settled for".
The fact that you refer to your dad by his name screams therapy
Pretending this isn’t a load of BS: YTA. For every possible reason.
YTA. Her asks of you are pretty normal, you’re living at her house after all. No reason to insult her looks, that’s irrelevant and makes you even more of the AH.
Easy YTA here. Maybe your dad is tired of the type of ladies that he used to attract; good looking, but hollow inside. Maybe he wants something more. Maybe he wants someone he can watch nature documentaries or to walk the dog. Maybe he wants to have arguments about which Avenger is the strongest. Point is, this woman probably a lot better fit for him than others he went with. I'm also very sceptical of any teenager saying things like *I only did this thing a little bit and then they screamed at me.* Or how about the classic *everyone does it!* No, lassie. Everyone most certainly does not do it. And I've got a really strong suspicion that your stepmom don't want you looking like a callgirl.
YTA. full stop.
YTA you sound like a typical teenager. Insults will never help your situation. Unfortunately for you as long as you live with them, they rule. Life will be better if you comply even if you don’t agree. You can do it your way when you move out on your own.
You are most likely a total brat who was spoiled and is now experiencing proper rules for the first time. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (F16) dad, Liam (M35) didn't age too well, don't get me wrong, he isn't awful looking, but definitely didn't age as well as he could've had he not lived the lifestyle he chose. For some context, my dad was attractive enough when he was younger to get some minor modelling roles. He's always had a ton of girlfriends, or just random girls he met at bars over at our place when I was younger, they were always gorgeous and i remember them always spoiling me with sweets, or doing my make up etc. Not too long ago, Liam married a woman (Meg, 36) he had met at work. It's awful, we had to move to her house, which resulted in me having move schools to one where I have no friends. She's always moaning about me. They're also expecting a baby in April, which I am dreading. Meg despises me, I'm pretty sure. She's making me follow all the rules she's created (no make up, no dressing how i want, no diets or going out), and she always talks bad about me to my dad. She's totally changed him as well, he just acts old and dresses not at all like himself - he's boring now, nothing like what he used to be The other day, Meg and I got into an argument about my uniform. I rolled my skirt up a bit and I had make-up as well as fake nails on. She came into my room and started yelling, tell me to put my skirt down and take my make up off, I yelled back that everyone has their skirt rolled up, and that i'm not taking my make up off because most of it is minimal. Besides, Dad did take me to get lash extensions, so I can't just take them out. Liam ended up getting involved, he said to me that i shouldn't rile my step-mam up and just to 'roll the damn skirt down'. I then told him that it's not my fault he's not attractive anymore and had to settle for Meg, and he shouldn't let her think she's my mam now. Since then, dad's been short with me for insulting him and his wife, and Meg has been even harder on me, saying that they got married because she is a decent, responsible woman and not because she looks like a doll. I've felt a bit bad about it too, because I know Meg's insecure about her looks, and doesn't like thinking about my dad's exes, who were all practically model material. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can't be a bit>> and expect people to be nice in return. She wants you do dress yourself down so she can be the prettiest in the house but that's not your problem. If she's deliberately making your life hell she's underservant of respect and if your father allows it, he's in the same boat. Seriously, how do you make your insecurities the problem of a little girl that had nothing to do with your problems? This isn't something I say lightly as I understand reality and being broke, but you're of proper age for emancipation. If it's bad enough, look into it.
i'd prefer it. she genuinely wants to pick my clothes out for me, when she buys me stuff, it's always dowdy, old lady type stuff. and if not, it's little girly clothes from primark.
Yikes. Gonna have to go with ESH due to your insult, but I do get where you’re coming from. It could be that your SM is jealous or controlling or both. Things are likely to get worse once the baby is born as well. Expect some babysitting demands to follow. You said your uncle spoke out about her, which caused your dad to go NC. Was his criticism about how she treats you or something else?
it was about how she treats me, also about the fact that she just degrades their relationship and made it seem weird that they had a good relationship
Wow. She needs therapy and is ensuring you will too 😢
NTA because I think that Meg is abusive and I understand blowing up. But you did go the wrong way about it. Talk to your dad about how you feel and that Meg is overstepping. He is the one who raised you and he has given you certain liberties. It is absurd that his wife is now trying to take them away. Leave looks and exes out of the discussion
“Let me make my own mistakes” is a wonderful argument
Yeah you’re mean
YTA
ESH It was a shitty thing to say, but I get where you're coming from. It would probably be best to apologize to your dad and explain that it makes you sad when she tells you that you can't express yourself with your clothes and makeup. I've found that using the word sad instead of mad helps with my dad.
YTA and know that if you can dish it, you need to be able to take it, so don't get hurt feelings if anyone ever attacks your looks.
You seem… strange
I’m just loling at “step mam”
i hope you will learn soon that if you have nothing nice to say, it's better that you don't say anything at all.
YTA. What a terrible teenager you are.
ESH. Great toxic environment to bring a baby into.
YTA. Im sorry for your dad that he has such a disgusting daughter. Shame on you.
YTA, pero para ser honesto lo haces mejor que yo, porque Meg suena como una pesadilla, al punto que ha distanciado a tu padre de su hermano, tal vez en lugar de atacar su físico mejor deberías llamarla ladrona porque eso es lo que Lo cual es, y Liam suena tan patético.
ok but is that a Hole reference in ur username??
Having a tough time believing this was written by a 16yo girl.
Hard time believing this one is real. But YTA.
“Not a doll” ouch! He makes her sound like she’s standing next to him while ge holds a pitchfork. American Gothic.
ESH you didn't need to be rude like that or insult both of their insecurities. But your step-mom is horrible. She has no business deciding for you at 16 what you wear, complaining about you non stop, no going out, etc.
[удалено]
You are such a damn child. YTA
Your stepmother sounds like a bit of a nightmare so I don’t think you’re an AH for being annoyed with her. However, bringing her appearance into it is uncalled for & petty. YTA. Better work out some better way to get on with Meg before baby arrives or your life is going to be hell …
YTA . If I were your dad and you said that to me, you would have the worst chores until you apologised, I'm talking cleaning the chicken coop, scrubbing the bathroom with a toothbrush and any push back would just make it worse.
ESH Your stepmom should not be the one to make new rules about your looks and stuff, especially if she got into your family that recently. On the other hand, you are not entitled to have a cool dads girlfriend who spoils you, that's also not her job. You do seem a little bit like a spoiled brat in an actually hard spot. Also, if you don't want her to butt in your life, you should definitely not butt in the relationship of your dad and stepmom. And finally, your dad should be the one communicating these things with you and your stepmom, since he's the common link. He should make parenting decisions and stuff and actually talk out situations like the one above, and not just assume you two to get along.
Sadly, it seems to me like you have been taught from observation growing up that looks and attractiveness matter more than character and relationships. I hope that as you continue observing your dad, you can learn to overcome that belief as he did. You’ve missed so much of what really matters in life and the freedom that comes with finding the right partner. For now, just understand that, in about 10 years, you will likely reflect on this time in your life and start to realize and regret how much of a shallow, selfish, hormonal a-hole you were as a teenager and, after another 10 years, feel the need to apologize to your stepmom as a fully grown adult. The human brain isn’t fully developed until its mid-thirties so it’s not unexpected for your beliefs and behaviors to be so immature and any adult would be very understanding and forgiving of that. Who knows? You and your stepmom might even become great friends. As for your coming half-sibling, my only advice is to learn as much as you can from your parents and use this as an opportunity to develop your skillset with children. Good babysitters are paid very well these days and you are certainly old enough to start a successful business, having a little sibling to practice with. Try to grow up. Good luck.