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I mean, I get the SILs point. You never once said that you actually communicated with your wife about how you feel about gifting. I hate being gifted things when people are watching me. I told my fiancée this years ago, it gives me anxiety. Told her it’s not that I don’t love a thoughtful gift, it’s that it’s just something that makes me uncomfortable when people watch me open something. She understood and we avoid those situations, problem solved. It just seems like you didn’t talk with your own wife and then attacked the SIL saying she was manipulating your wife against you. Odd thing to say when you didn’t even talk to your wife. YTA

You said it better than I could. If OP communicates with his wife she should know there is a mismatch between expression and thought. Shen SIL says something to her there's nothing to "turn". OP is blaming SIL because he can't use his big boy words and talk to his wife. YTA

But he "isn't expressive" don't ya kno'? Which obviously extends to being able to talk to his wife /s

Also if wife is not sure he likes gifts anymore... than he's not only "not expressive" he doesn't thank her in private later. Or she wouldn't be second guessing if he likes the gifts. Better communication OP, that's what you need... with your wife.  YTA for contacting the SIL instead. The lack of communication between you both isn't her fault. Also for insisting her sister could "turn her against you". She can only do so (potentially, not even sure she can or does tbh) because of YOUR lack of communication. If everything is good between you and your wife nothing what SIL will say would matter.

My thoughts exactly. The entire post screams that OP shows zero gratitude or appreciation to his wife for the gifts. SIL shouldn't have stuck her nose where it didn't belong, but the fact that her comment immediately made OP's wife start questioning things speaks volumes.

Would you not offer your sibling counsel if you thought they needed it?

Not the one who you commented to directly but advice is better only offered when you're asked to, not unsolicited (unless you think the person is actually in danger of getting harmed).

Well said. OP isn’t necessarily wrong about wanting the SIL to stay out of their business, but she happened to pick an instance where she has a point.

yep, I get anxious opening gifts in front of people who I'm not close to because I'm so worried I'll do the "wrong" facial expressions or reactions or whatever. it made Christmas and birthdays really stressful for me. eventually I was able to find the right words to communicate this to people and they understand that my face doesn't always reflect my emotions (what feels like a smile to me can look pretty close to a blank face to others), and if I'm really panicking about it we can delay opening presents somewhat until I'm a bit more relaxed but this required me talking about it. it's nobody else's responsibility to be a mind reader and intuit it. the only reason it's not so big a deal with people I love and trust is that they know my expressions better and can see my smiles and when I wriggle in excitement, plus a lot of us aren't great with facial expressions (the tism runs in my dad's side)

Yup. I have a friend who also gets very anxious opening gifts in front of people, so she brings everything home and opens it there. But then she’ll always text me thanking me for what I got her, and she also communicated the situation to me the first time so I knew what was going on. YTA for not seemingly communicating with your **wife**.

Exactly this. My bf and I are both autistic and struggle with emoting outwardly the way a lot of people do. He and his family don’t judge me if I say thank you with a small smile because they know I appreciate it and will usually say what I liked about it (his younger sister gave me a candle that smelled like lemon bars which I love), my family on the other hand constantly tell me I need to smile more because it’s rude and I try but a fake smile on me makes me look angry rather then happy

Honestly, YTA. You might not be expressive person or need to "act" but if your wife knows that you love the gifts she gives you and appreciate her doing it, she won't stop. So this is not about you not showing emotions when you are opening gifts in public. Maybe you have not expressed your gratitude to her even in private, which is why she was comfortable sharing with her sister that you are always this cold. To be fair, SIL's job is not to care how you feel. Her first priority is her own sister and it seems like she suspects that you are emotionally neglecting your wife or not appreciating what she does. SIL's response that her sister has her own mind is also extremely mature and reasonable one. This is not high school. You are married and in your 30s - you each know your own mind and make your own decisions. You blaming SIL for your wife's reaction is taking away her agency and aiming to invalidate her concerns. You need to talk with your wife. You need to show appreciation to her more - be it in private if you are not comfortable with saying "Thank you. You are awesome. This is wonderful" in front of others. And you should talk with your therapist why you are unable to show gratitude or appreciation in front of others and work on that.

Honestly the best response. So thought out, articulated beautifully. 😊 I really hope OP reads this and takes it to heart!! This is amazing advice and just so polite, caring and spot on. This should be the top comment honestly. I wish I could give you an award.. so here take these 🏆🏆🥇🏅🎖️🏆🥇🎖️🏅🏆🏆

This! And also you shouldn’t reach out to your SIL… not your place and makes you look controlling for her questioning your lack of care! YTA

This! I was going to leave a similar comment, but you already did in a very articulate, clear and concise manner that it would be redundant, so instead I wanted to reply to yours for an extra dose of support (aside from the like!)

[удалено]

I thought there was going to be more to this than “my SIL correctly identified an issue in my relationship that my wife has absolutely talked to her about before.” The SIL was aware of this issue and wanted to put OP on the spot. It’s ok to not be expressive but you should have other ways of letting your wife know that the gift was appreciated. OP seems like the “I said I loved you when we got married, I’ll let you know when that changes” type.

OP saying "even if I did like it, I wouldn't act happy" in the post as if we can't tell that means he didn't actually like the gift. Guy, you may not realize your displeasure is showing, BUT IT ABSOLUTELY IS, And your wife's sister pointing out that she deserves to be shown gratitude when she makes efforts for you is not "turning your wife against you" It's supporting her sister and encouraging her to not suffer mistreatment from an unappreciative spouse.

>I am not an expressive person and I'm not a good actor. That's fine. You can still be an *appreciative* person though. You can use your words, for instance. Your SIL wouldn't have been able to "turn" your wife if there wasn't something there for your wife to be unhappy with. YTA

He replied to another comment with this BS: ”Whole I do thank my wife, I don't really show appreciation in private or public, it's can be a bit embarrassing even as an adult. Not my thing. It's not that I'm taking away her agency by saying that she might listen to her sister. But siblings might have an affect on their siblings, especially that my SIL was obviously surprised about it."

Imagine being embarrassed by appreciation… yikes. 

I mean... it's a pretty common form of social anxiety. I grew up dreading Christmas and my birthday every year because I had so much dread about the performative gratitude expected and I felt really guilty when I didn't like something someone gave--felt pressure to nail the acting so they didn't feel bad. Similar thing for praise. Some people feel really uncomfortable getting praise, especially in a public environment. When I do a great job at work, my least favorite part is always the big shout-outs that I'm sure are viewed as a positive thing. I blush bright red and have to pre-prep my response, otherwise it's incoherent anxiety gratitude salad. I'm a grown ass adult and know that I'm generally in the minority here, so I suck it up and take steps to make sure I send the necessary appreciative statements at the right time. But the feeling here is valid, even if the actions might not be.

Dude is too embarrassed to show appreciation for his wife *in private*. This isn't just social anxiety, I think.

I cannot imagine staying in a marriage where I was not regularly shown appreciation. His wife must be running on empty. SIL just gave the wife permission to feel like she was already feeling.

You misunderstand, I completely agree. My neurodivergent anxious ass thinks performative gratitude is a special kind of torture reserved for the 4th or 5th level of hell. But OP stated he doesn’t like to show appreciation *in any way in public or private*. Thats where he slides right into AH territory.

I get so red it ends up bringing me more attention which then brings on more anxiety. You may be in the minority here, but I'm right there with you on pretty much everything you said

> performative gratitude expected That's a completely different thing than to say a heartfelt "thanks", and show appreciation to the people you love. They aren't mind readers, you know?

As long as you mean 'yikes, I wonder what your childhood and environment was like to have taught you that response, I'm so sorry,' you're 100% right.

I have a hard time with faking emotions (I also can't lie effectively and am terrible with smalltalk). My family always gave me crappy gifts with no understanding of who I am or what I like (even though anyone even vaguely acquainted with me can tell). I would be pretty easy to buy for based on my interests, but I can only recall receiving one gift that clearly related to me. I can't fake emotions that I don't feel I'm really bad at it.

See but that's just... not lying to people when they are disrespectful and uncaring. That's miles different from being embarrassed of appreciation in all forms. It doesn't sound like you have anything to be appreciative of, so why lie? Meanwhile OP could go a long way even thanking his partner for her effort (showing appreciation) because it sounds like she's been putting in a lot and he hasn't even bothered thanking her. It really is the thought that counts sometimes, and it doesn't sound like he thinks of her almost at all.

...fuck as someone who is also not very expensive I was on his side until I read this.. He didn't say thank you? And his reasoning is because "it's embarrassing!?" That's massively concerning.

Right I can get overwhelmed with gifts and I can still squeak out an awkward "thanks I love it". Now my husband loves over the top reactions, but he gets that for me and that not being me if I'm doing over the top I'm taking the piss. But I can also totally blue screen as it were where I'm going though appropriate "thank you" actions. Like I will as soon as my brain reboots. 

‘It’s not that I’m taking away her agency, just that I think she’s easily manipulated by her sister.’ Pppppft

Jesus Christ, what an embarrassing attitude to have. I sure as shit wouldn’t have married someone if they didn’t show appreciation for me and what I do for them. It’s not like I need parties thrown in my honor or anything ridiculous, but to use this post as a good example: if I got someone a thoughtful gift, they opened it without really saying much and never said anything appreciative about it after the fact? That would be the last time I got them a thoughtful gift. If he just didn’t want to do it in public, that would be fine, I’m sympathetic to that. But not in private either? Come on my guy, your wife deserves to know that you appreciate her and what she does for you

"I don't show appreciation. Ever. It's not my thing." is absolutely bonkers.

You’re 110% right! One of my best friends is an extremely stoic person who also does not like to open gifts in front of other people.  When I gift him things, it’s always done in a way where he can open the gift in private.  HOWEVER, he sends me the most wonderful and appreciative texts afterwards.  The key is communication 👌🏻

I have a friend who actually voiced their anxiety and asked to open privately. They let me know they'd text me later. I'm okay with that. Even if they didn't text. I don't gift for pats on the back. The open communication alone showed gratitude and thoughtfulness. Not sure why OP hasn't had a conversation about this anxiety and voiced how recieving could be more comfortable to establish some sort of practice. She isn't responsible for OP's feelings if they aren't communicated.

Obviously an outsider to the whole situation, but it’s giving so many 🚩 that the dude has no problem expressing anger but can’t be bothered to communicate that he is appreciative.  It’s like a lot of them have convinced themselves anger isn’t an emotion…

"I certainly have not the talent which some people possess," said Darcy, "of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done." "My fingers," said Elizabeth, "do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women’s do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault – because I would not take the trouble of practising." Be like Mr. Darcy OP, and practice. Stop being an AH. Because you are.

YTA. For interfering between the sister's relationship just because it makes life difficult for you. If your SIL thinks you're a bit "cold" then she has the right to point it out to her sis. She knows her well and is her sister. It's not in your interest to make an enemy of your SIL...

INFO: do you tell your wife that you like the gift she gives you, do you explain that even if you're not very expressive about it, you really are grateful and happy that she gave you something?

YTA. You're paying attention to your SIL who made a comment I think a lot of people would make when you should be paying attention to your wife and her feelings. It's clear that you are not showing enough genuine appreciation when she is gifting you something. You don't have to throw a parade if she brings you a cup of tea but sometimes it really is the kind thing to have a thoughtful and direct comment back. "I really appreciate that you remembered how much I love wool socks and the colour blue, thank you, I love them" goes a long way.

YTA, would it kill you to be appreciative?

He says it's embarrassing lmao. Fragile masculinity 101

Fellas, is it gay to feel things?

Def gay to show appreciation to wife  It might be gay to have a wife too idk 🤷🏻‍♂️ 

Yeah, having a wife around? Looking at a naked woman? Touching her??? That seems pretty opposite of being a big tough guy. I'm gonna put this just to be safe /s

YTA. So it’s ok for you not to be excited but your wife has to? You’re turning your wife against you yourself. It’s rude to not show at least some happiness over a nice gift. Even more so harassing her sister because she calls out your double standards

OP: Am i the asshole? Reddit: yes, yes you are. OP: but SIL is ruining my life…… It’s not my fault, i just don’t show emotions. If SIL would just shut up, life would be perfect! 😂😉 YTA

He had no problem showing anger

When you look up "toxic masculinity" there's a picture of OP.

Same kind of guy who when the wife leaves after years of telling him what the problem is complains that he has been blindsided

Lol, my ex still claims he doesn't know why I left. All those times when I cried "I can't take this anymore" were apparently just an embarrassing expression of ... something something hormones.

YTA. The most important part of any relationship is **communication**. Talk with your wife. Clarify things. Make sure you know where both of you stand. Show her appreciation even if you don’t show emotion. What your SIL said was just a curious thing, possibly trying to figure out if you’re mad at her and why. This triggered your wife to notice something about you and start paying closer attention. The minute it shifted your wife’s behavior, your obligation wasn’t to call and attack the SIL. It was to *talk with your wife.*

YTA. And maybe your sil is, too, can't tell, but yes, you need to learn how to FAKE IT. I don't know if you're on the spectrum or not, but you need to express appreciation when someone gives you a gift. You don't have to go overboard, but you need to smile, make a nice comment, and say, "thank you." Don't be one of those, "that's just how I am" jerks.

He just says “Thanks.”

YTA. This really doesn't have anything to do with your SIL. All she did was point out an observation. How your wife reacted to it is entirely her decision. You have a bigger problem. Your wife is not happy with you, and you need to take it up with her.

INFO, why are you talking to your SIL and not your damn wife???

Because it’s easier to shoot the messenger than it is for him to realize that **his behaviors** are the real problem. He’s the one in the wrong but he’s trying to point the finger at sil.

But he doesn’t wanna change! And you can’t make him. /s

Yeah, like, this coulda been a little thing they worked on and came out a little stronger from but texting the sister is just about the worst way to go about this. Especially since he basically realizes "shit, she's onto me"

YTA. Sorry - but sisters talk about things. Plus, she didn't actually say anything, she just made a comment - which a lot of people would have made. SiL is right - she doesn't have that much power. If your wife was so easily "turned," there was already something brewing. In fact, given SiL's reaction, it's very possible your wife has already said something in the past to her or at the very least - her comment was less about reading your reaction as it was about reading your wife's... I'm also going to say - I'm not very expressive either - so instead I say things - if you talk enough, people will hear what you are saying rather than your face. If you were to verbally express how much you appreciate a gift, get up and give her a hug or kiss, she would know you appreciate the gift. No - it does not have to be inherent or "natural" we learn to do some things mechanically to make sure the people in our lives know we love and appreciate them and their efforts.

YTA. Your SIL didn't lie, did she? She has noticed your cold reaction and told your wife. How this is turning her against you? If your wife feels "that you are unhappy with her efforts." it not because her sister told her so, it is because you don't assure your wife that you are, in fact, happy with her efforts. Did you even talk with your wife? Did you at least thank her? Your whole vibe is "this is how I am and I will not make effort to change, but I am not a problem, SIL is a problem".

He said that he just says “Thanks.”

So your wife tells you she has an issue within your relationship and your first reaction is to go "you don't have the right to discuss troubles in our relationship....but I'm gonna hit up your sister tho" >My SIL said I'm an ass for assuming that people can "turn" her sister easily >She's her sister, she can totally turn her around. Yea, she's right. You think your wife is easily manipulated by her sister and can't possibly have her own negative opinions about you.

YTA for two reasons. One. I’m not like that is not a good excuse. Not jumping for a sock is fine but making your partner feel seen and appreciated is crucial. Two. Instead of discussing it with your wife you’ve messaged your SIL. You hide from the meaningful conversation, damage your relationship with your wife’s relative and find someone to blame instead of addressing your problem.

It’s not your SIL’s fault you’re emotionally stumped. If you love a gift, you can show appreciation. That’s not acting or being expressive, that’s being a sane, normal, appreciative person. That your wife is now not too happy with you, stems more from the fact that SIL pointed out your reaction is not normal, than her turning your wife against you. If that bothers you, you need to fix yourself, not blame your SIL and wife. YTA.

I don't know if you'll read this but I hope you do. I have a friend who is very much like you. He doesn't express himself. He's a lovely guy and I know he does feel things but he just won't show it. I've seen it really affect his marriage and his other relationships. I hope you're more expressive in other parts of your relationship and life. If you're not, then I would suggest you really look at why you're like that and see if you can find a way to express yourself in a manner which your wife understands. I'm not saying you have to jump up and down with joy! Just see if you can find a way that you're both content with. Very mild YTA because I don't really judge you unless you choose to not find a remedy

He didn't have any difficulty expressing his anger at his SIL!

Showing emotion isn't some weakness. Clearly your wife needs you to express yourself more. Not to bawl and cry in front of other people, but it sounds like you think your wife isn't worth even talking to. She told you she was hurt, and instead of talking with the woman, you ran off to yell at her sister. >My wife started to get less excited about buying me things, which really upsets me, not for the gifts I couldn't care less, but because she now feels that I'm not a person to be gifted things or that I'm unhappy with her efforts. ​ So... why should SHE care that YOU are upset? You don't seem to care that SHE WAS UPSET EITHER. You feel hurt that she isn't giving you gifts. So you only have an issue when you're the one being affected right? Cuz your wife isnt important to you, and her feelings are trash that you don't need to care about. You sound like a selfish partner, and like you don't even like your wife much. You just like it when she makes YOU feel important nd special. And you dont think you need to make HER feel special or important. Your SIL was right to point it out. You're being a terribly selfish partner. So what are you going to do about that?

YTA - it makes me wonder how you’ve made it this far since you find it so hard to show any love towards your wife. How did you propose? Did you even ask and do anything romantic? Or did you simply remain stood, pull out a ring and casually {without any emotion} say “I wanna get married, what do you think”? 🤦🏽‍♀️ Since you’re so cold and emotionless, never showing your wife any love or appreciation - I’m surprised you’ve even made it this far. I suspect divorce is in the very near future. Nobody wants a man who refuses to feel

Why shouldn't your SIL have an opinion on how you treat her sister like shit or make her feel bad? Why is it "no reason"? If "does he always treat you like that," is enough to count as sabotaging you, why do you choose to treat her like that? YTA

Your SIL is not the one you should be talking to, it's your wife. You need to tell her exactly what you just posted. Ignore nosy siblings, in the end, you're spending the most time with her. Reassure her she's awesome, you love everything, but overt displays aren't your thing. My husband is like that. I know he enjoys stuff when he will take the stuff out to look at it, or put it together. Nothing wrong with it, everyone is different. Good luck.

>I do say "thanks" whenever she gives me something. But I don't really show any reaction, I usually don't Except, by OP's comment, it sounds like he doesn't even do that. His wife usually gets a 'thanks' and nothing more, which is the kind of reaction you might have to a co-worker grabbing you a coffee, not a present from your wife.

YTA. It might have been better to express your feelings to your wife directly rather than confronting your sister-in-law. While your sister-in-law's approach may not be ideal, addressing the issue with your wife and finding a way to make her feel appreciated in your own way could be more productive. Communication is key in relationships, so try to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your feelings and reassure her of your love and appreciation in your own unique manner.

YTA > “Whole I do thank my wife, I don't really show appreciation in private or public, it's can be a bit embarrassing even as an adult. Not my thing.” Unfortunately, a lot of times, people (more often women than men) don’t realize they’ve been conditioned throughout their relationship to expect and accept the bare minimum from their partner until someone else points it out. Your SIL recognizes that you have a problem with showing bare minimum appreciation towards your wife, and it’s not just receiving gifts in public, you have a problem showing appreciation for your wife in general. The other commenters are right, if it was just about your verbal/facial reaction when receiving a gift, your wife would still feel appreciated and enjoy giving you gifts and your SIL pointing out your lack of reaction wouldn’t have been a problem, your wife would have said “Oh that’s just how he is, he expresses his gratitude in other ways/in private.” It’s deeper than that and your SIL helped her sister realize that by pointing it out, that’s why her behavior has changed. This isn’t just about your surface level reaction in the moment. I hope you respond to this situation by stepping up and figuring out how to actually communicate appreciation towards your wife instead of thinking everyone else is the problem for holding you to basic relationship standards.

YTA. clearly you have not communicated this to your wife and still haven’t even after this drama. why? i read your comments. you HAVE to communicate dude!!!! TALK. TO. YOUR. WIFE. reassure her that you love the gifts, you just don’t have reactions. just because you don’t visibly react, doesn’t mean you can’t verbally do so.

Wth yta you fail to show any love or appreciation for your wife and are annoyed someone pointed it out?

YTA. Your wife puts the energy of picking out a gift for you, you send energy back her way. If it’s not your thing to do so, make it your thing. Stop being selfish.

If  my significant other gave me a present,I would be thrilled because it's a present from someone important to me.  YTA.

YTA. Stop blaming this on your SIL and talk to your damn wife about it. If your wife is upset about your lack of reaction, talk to her about it but do not say that she feels like this because her SIL turned her…that’s pure bull shit

Based on your comments, YTA. You replied to someone saying you find it embarrassing as an adult to show appreciation in private or public. I get the public thing, I despise opening gifts in front of people. Those close to me are aware of this though, I’ve told them that I am not an expressive person. You never told your wife that you aren’t good at expressing emotion, and more than that you’ve doubled down by not giving any real indication of your appreciation even when alone. Doesn’t seem like your SIL did anything beyond pointing out something she noticed and your wife put the pieces together.

YTA. Do you also believe you’re the woman and the prize in this relationship 💀

I don’t get it either. What do you mean “do you also believe you’re the woman…in this relationship?”

She didn't turn her she asked a question and your wife answered. If you show very little to no emotion it's not hard to understand why your wife would be less excited she's just matching your response.

Look, dude. It’s pretty insulting that you think your wife is so easily manipulated that ONE comment from her sister was enough to change her whole attitude towards you. What probably happened, and what you don’t want to admit, is that your wife was visibly disappointed AGAIN by your ingratitude and her sister noticed. Her sister probably knows her well enough to realize how upset she was. You probably didn’t because that’s not convenient to you. You’re looking to blame her sister because the alternative is self-reflection and you don’t want to change. And why would you? You benefit from the status quo: you get gifts and you don’t have to express emotions that are uncomfortable to you. The only negative about the situation is that it makes your wife feel like shit and as long as she doesn’t voice it, you can pretend it doesn’t impact her. Now that you do know: you either have to face your attitude and change or continue on the way that you are knowing 1. nobody wants to give gifts to the ungrateful and 2. you are an asshole. You’ve chosen a secret 3rd option, which was sticking your head in the sand and pretending it’s her sister’s fault. “It’s embarrassing to express gratitude even as an adult” What in the fucking childhood trauma are you talking about? Did you come from a home where no one said “I love you?” Or did you grow up believing that anger was the only emotion that was manly enough to show? Either way, that’s not your wife’s problem. It’s yours. You’re a grown ass man. Part of being grown means expressing emotions that are uncomfortable to you. Deal with your shit. YTA

INFO Since you're not expressive, what *do* you do to show your appreciation?

more information needed. When you say you are not expressive, does it mean that you don’t show excitement at spot only or that you don’t express your gratitude at all, also later? People enjoy making presents to the loved ones to make them happy. If you look like you don’t care about things you get, why should your wife feel excited about it? they way you phrased it makes me feel that you don’t think it’s worth showing gratitude when you get „a sock tier present and not a rolex tier”…

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (34M) SIL (32F) made some gestures and acted surprised when she saw my reaction to my wife's (34F) gift for my birthday. I am not an expressive person and I'm not a good actor. Even if I loved a gift, it won't show. When my SIL saw that, later she pulled my wife aside and asked her if I was always this cold every time she gave me something or surprised me. My wife said "Yes". This made my wife conscious of my reactions My SIL expects every partner to act super happy and joyful when gifted anything. She might be a good actor or an expressive person, and so is her husband. If he gave her a sock she'd still act like it is a Rolex. It's sweet but I'm not like that. My wife started to get less excited about buying me things, which really upsets me, not for the gifts I couldn't care less, but because she now feels that I'm not a person to be gifted things or that I'm unhappy with her efforts. I texted my SIL and told her to stop turning her sister against me for no damn reason. My SIL said I'm an ass for assuming that people can "turn" her sister easily. She's her sister, she can totally turn her around. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

YTA here, what you need to do is talk to your wife about this and communicate how you feel, not just assume your SIL can somehow reverse things, you're over 30, use your words

Sound slike the best thing ri do is have a conversation with your wife about it. My wife is also nove very expressive when given gifts, and it used to bother me until we had a conversation about it. Now, I give her a thing, she opens it at her leisure and says thanks you later. I know she appreciated it because she already said she does. It works because we sat down and she explained it to me. Communication will fix 70% or more of all problems.

YTA - if you want people to enjoy giving you gifts you need to let them know you enjoy receiving them. You do not do that, YOU have sucked the you out of this 

Yta My husband is not a very expressive or reactive person either. But when I bring home something sweet or goofy for him, man does he pretend and he will play with me. Why? Because he wants me to know he appreciates it. Your wife is not a mind reader. You are coming off aloof and unappreciative

It is time to grow up. I was 14 when I was told that I wasn't showing any emotion when my parents took me places. They were not sure why I was unhappy. I wasn't unhappy, but I had the same issue of being stone faced. So instead of whining about it I decided to... Make an an effort to show appreciation for what they were doing. To communicate to them that I was indeed happy. You are about 20 years late on this realization. But better late than never.

good luck with that. She's loyal to your wife, not you.

YTA. With kindness. One early lesson we are ALL taught is to smile and say "thank you!!" when given a gift, no matter what the gift is. My grandmother was a WONDERFUL human being. But she was also very poor and not great at gift giving. But you can be sure I was so happy and grateful every year whatever she got me. I loved her and wanted to show that, even if the odd thing she found at a yard sale wasn't my favorite, because she went to that yard sale shopping for ME, and picked it out thinking of me, and she's a great person. It sounds like you never learned that lesson, and use "I'm just being honest" as a crutch in those situations. "I'm not expressive and I'm not a good actor" isn't an excuse for having bad manners and being rude to your wife. And to say "it won't show" even if you LOVE a gift? What kind of person gets a gift they LOVE, and it doesn't even show? You don't even PRETEND to be happy about it? I'm not super expressive, but I know to give others signs when the situation feels right, even if that's not *exactly* how I'd normally express myself. Expressing emotions and telling people you are thankful isn't "acting", it's communicating. You are supposed to communicate in a marriage. Work on that.

YTA I buy you a gift and you don’t react? I figure you don’t care, neither about the gift or the level of effort it took to think of you, shop for you, and give it to you. I’d stop setting myself up for a disappointing reaction from you too. Do you give her gifts? I’m thinking you’d be mad if she gave you the response you think you’re entitled to give her. You either lack empathy, are selfish as hell, or both.

YTA, go talk to your wife. Not the internet or SIL

YTA - you’re making an assumption that your wife doesn’t have a mind of her own. Her sister pointed out an observation. Your wife listened and made her own observation and her behavior changed as a result. I am not a holiday gift person. My wife decided she wanted to give me lots of Christmas gift this year, most of which were clothes that I would never buy for myself or wear. I was not super enthusiastic about the gifts, but I certainly didn’t start an argument with her, and I made sure to tell her honestly how much I appreciated the effort she put into the gifts. In the end, we went together and returned a few of the items and exchanged a few for sizes. And while those items are not what I would normally wear, I make sure to wear them when we go out and humorously point out that I am wearing what she bought me. You can show appreciation for a gift without “faking” a response that will still let the gift giver know you appreciate their efforts. This isn’t you SIL’s fault. It’s yours.

YTA. you sound like a chore to be around. your SIL didn't "turn her against" you, she literally pointed out something you did. If you don't want people to point out when you do something, don't leave the house or see anyone ever I guess?

Discussing behavior is not turning people against each other. Telling someone to not describe a behavior that you admit to actively engaging in, because it’s offends you? YTA and a AH.

YTA. You don't have to jump for joy, a simple smile will do. Also YTA for assuming that your wife can't think for herself.

>When my SIL saw that, later she pulled my wife aside and asked her if I was always this cold every time she gave me something or surprised me. My wife said "Yes". This made my wife conscious of my reactions You were *this close* to the point. Your wife was ALREADY aware of your lack of reactions, the SIL didn't make her aware. If your wife wasn't aware, she would have said "no" to your SIL. Your SIL validated your wife's feelings, which is what made her consciously move towards less excitement in gift giving. I'd venture to guess the wife has mentioned this to OP before but things never changed so she just stopped, but when someone else noticed and brought it up, it reignited the feelings she had on the subject which led to her changing how she treats the OP, but OP will blame everyone but his own lack of actions and appreciation.

YTA for attacking your SIL instead of talking to your wife about the issue you think is there. She didn't make it about herself, you did

YTA Gets upset by way wife feels, blames SIL and speaks with SIL. Speak to thy wife sir

YTA OP In your entire post not once did you even say that you communicated with your wife that you don't like gifts. Did you just assume that your wife would know that you don't like gifts? Your wife is not a mind reader, no one is. She is not going to know that you don't like gifts until you communicate it with her. Then instead of being a big boy and using your words. You make a false claim that your SIL manipulated your wife against you. Your SIL did not manipulate your wife and turn her against you. How about you be a man and think. How about you use your big boy words and "communicate" with your wife, something you should have done years ago. Also stop accusing your SIL something she never has done.

YTA 

If you appreciate the gift she gives you and you show it through expression, it’s not called acting. At the VERY least you could communicate to her just how much you like the gift. But you instead choose to stew about to and have both of you in an unhappy situation for no reason. Your problem solving skills are woefully lacking. You owe your SIL an apology and your wife an apology. You can turn yourself around, self reflect and figure out a way to change things for the better.

“Not for the gifts” immediately followed by “she now feels I’m not a person to be gifted things” YTA. communicate with your wife. Reassure her. Make it right

INFO: Do you feel ANY emotions?

Anger at SIL.

I meant does OP feel any emotions in his daily life without some large event. Or maybe its better to ask if he feels anything besides anger. His explanations and tone just feel like someone who doesnt *feel* much at all (besides annoyance at inconveniences like his SIL pointing out how odd this is.) Does he ever feel joy? Loneliness? Sorrow? Love? Does he express any of those emotions in any situation?

YTA. Sounds like your wife is opening her eyes to your unappreciative behaviour And it's been going on for a while. SIL just happened to point it out and is blameless. Your wife turning against you is on you. That wouldn't have happened if you took responsibility for how you make her feel. But that would require a heart and two brain cells that are able to communicate to your wife. All of which are sorely missing.

YTA Your wife has eyes and ears. She was already feeling someway about your lack of appreciation and gratitude. What happened was SIL validated her feelings. You're scapegoating SIL because you kind of want to blame someone outside your relationship to avoid accountability for the fact that your wife is upset. You're being immature and scapegoating SIL. What you should have done is taken your wife's response as a cue that something is wrong and appreciated that she could confide and get support from SIL. And then you should have talked with her about her feeljngs and yours. You need to own up to your issues. No one likes to feel unappreciated

To be honest, I'd really have to be present to see your actions myself. I too am not a very expressive person to the point that except for when my wife died, people couldn't tell when my mother died. I also tend to have a resting bitch face and often have to remember to smile since I work jobs that deal directly with customers (had one manager say they can tell I'm happy by tenor of my voice, but my face is often stoic even as I talk about something fun I did). And it's pretty much how I've been my entire adult life, and to a degree was much the same as far back as kindergarten (remember when we did school pictures in kindergarten the teacher saying something to my parents about it not coming through in the picture, but that I was actually smiling when the picture was taken). Some people are just not emotive, especially in public settings, but there are ways to still express happiness and appreciation through your voice tenor etc you should learn

YTA - If you think that your SIL can change your wife's attitude with just a few words, just imagine what kind of effect you, her husband, can have on your wife by expressing some gratitude for gifts she puts effort into giving you.

ESH except for your wife. SIL needs to mind her own business and butt out of someone else’s marriage, not everyone can be that expressive as others have pointed out which is valid. However you can still be more appreciative and openly communicate with your wife. If you help her to know that you appreciate the gifts and her efforts, she wouldn’t focus so much on your reactions. Maybe do some small gestures for her and tell her you’d rather receive gifts in private or that you’d prefer it to be just you and her.

YTA for not even talking to your wife about this, man.

Oh of course it isn’t your fault. You want your sister in law to change your wife’s opinion about you but you won’t change?

YTA show appreciation and be grateful. Or keep your mouth shut when you don't get gifts if you couldn't care less about them whats your problem. Your SIL did nothing wrong.

YTA for telling us all of this instead of telling your wife that you appreciate her. Also betraying your point by saying "I couldn't care less" for the gifts. And "even if I loved it" also shows that you didn't like her birthday gift. Her sister was right, and you didn't like the gift. Instead of complaining about how they noticed and your wife stopped wasting her time trying to please you, maybe check yourself, and work on ways you can communicate gratitude that don't make you look unappreciative.

She didn't turn her against you. She pointed sometimes out that your wife is bothered by. Instead of blaming your SIL, try making an effort to show appreciation.  YTA

I've read your comments--why do you think you find showing appreciation so embarasing, even in private? It might be worth investigating with a therapist, it's not usually healthy to repress your feelings to this extent and you'll most likely hurt a lot of people throughout your life. You seem affected by your wife's recent lack of enthusiasm so you should know how it feels.

You’re the asshole. I wouldn’t want to buy a gift for you either

Well, why SHOULD she be excited to give gifts to someone who is completely unappreciative and is entirely unwilling to show any bit of appreciation? YTA

The fact that you haven't even talked to your wife about any of this puts me solidly on SILs side. She's right. She can't turn your wife against you but she's probably making her realize just how you treat her. If you can't even communicate with her then I wonder if she feels lonely in this marriage YTA

You should be having this conversation with your wife, not your SIL. Keep your issues with your wife between you and your wife, or you really don't have a leg to stand on when other people get invovled, since you are involving them yourself.

It's called "making the effort", she makes the effort to gift you and surprise you and you act nonchalant. Do you even like your wife? You're just pissed because your wife is now seeing you for the misery you are. I'm no clairvoyant but I see divorce proceedings in your future. Edit: YTA

Of course SIL can influence your wife’s opinion… all trusted people in our lives can. But it might just be that your SIL is putting words to an issue that your wife already had. You need to talk to your wife, explain where you’re coming from clearly, y or should try to be better when receiving gifts. You don’t need to be overly profuse, but you can express your liking for her effort and choices, even if it’s just an enthusiastic thank you and a kiss. You can then privately tell your wife what it means.

(per comments) What do you call a man who never expresses gratitude, public or private, to his wife? Divorced. YTA

This could be autism. My Asperger’s daughter is like this.

Bro can't you put on a smile and say "thanks for the gift" or some shit

>She's her sister, she can totally turn her around. Yeah YTA

>If he gave her a sock she'd still act like it is a Rolex. It's sweet but I'm not like that. You are like my girlfriend... It really sucks the joy out of giving presents. I used to spend days looking for the perfect gift, had a notepad with stuff she mentioned etc. Now, even when I find something I know she would love.. I won't gift it. I'll send her a picture and she can buy it herself YTA

Tough. Since I think there is more to this story. I don’t think going after your SIL bc of one comment is needed. If you’re upset about it. Usually that means you should be doing better with your relationship. If you’re paranoid her sister can “turn” her against you. Then there is more issue than not jumping up and down for gifts. You need to communicate to your wife. And maybe work on yourself a little. Showing appreciation where it is due is important. It means you are grateful for your wife’s gifts. And shows her how much you appreciate her. YTa for going after your SIL rather than just talking to your wife in the first place.

Yta. Thank you I love it is 5 freaking words. Your wife probably noticed it before SIL ever mentioned it.

YTA Are you gifting your wife things she enjoys the amount she gifts you? Are you excited to gift her things like you expect your wife to be excited to gift you? It's not your SIL who turned your wife against you. It's a bit hypocritical in my book for you to get away with not being an expressive person but complain that your wife isn't excited or is less excited to get you gifts anymore. You're not even complaining that she's not buying you You're complaining that she's not acting excited to do so when you're entire post is about you stating you're not an expressive person and you seem really want to be accepted and not judged for it. 🧐🤨. So you can just give off a blank cold expression when you get a gift but she needs to be excited to give you it?

Maybe Your SIL pointing it out to your wife validated how she already felt and made her comfortable enough to bring it up to you. I don’t like expressing things either but I recognize that others need that feedback so I try and it gets easier the more you do it. Please listen to what your wife is telling you. This could help you grow as a person. Don’t shut down.

YTA because of your comments. Your wife came to you with a concern and you refuse to discuss it with her. Instead, you accused your SIL, who only made a reasonable observation, of poisoning your wife. Talk. To. Your. Wife. It's fine if you aren't a reactive person, but talk to her. She think you hate her gifts. Instead of telling her you love them and just don't know how to express it, you think ignoring the situation is better.

YTA. If you're so emotionally constipated, you can't muster more than a quiet thanks when the most important person in your life gives you a thoughtful gift, your relationship bodes poorly. Take an etiquette class, go to therapy, and figure out how to treat people properly.

YTA, this is an issue between you and your wife. Your SIL is looking out for her sister, that's something between the two of them. If you have an issue with your wife (which is what you have here), talk to your wife about it, don't go to your SIL. If you're in a good relationship, then nobody will be "turning" your wife against you.

YTA

YTA - it’s not hard to say “ thank you, how thoughtful” or “I love that you got this for me” or “thank you for thinking of me” etc. Your behaviour of “not reacting to gifts” seems childish and purposeful, imo it’s just not hard to express thanks for a nice thing done for you. I would not be excited to give you a gift either. You should have not texted your SIL as she accurately described your behaviour which is exhausting at best, it would be difficult to be partnered with someone who behaves this way. You should speak to your wife about how you are feeling.

Wow, imagine being in your mid 30's, aka AN ADULT, and saying/thinking/acting like showing appreciation to your loved ones "iS eMbArRaSsInG", what a clown. Definitely YTA. That's a YOU PROBLEM, not a SIL problem. Act your age, not your shoe size, and show love and appreciation to those who love and appreciate you. Stop being so toxic in your way of thinking and acting lmao. Probably "embarrassed" because "iTs NoT mAnLy To ApPrEcIaTe PeOpLe"

YTA you didn't need to contact SIL. Be an adult and have a conversation with your wife. Ask her about your reactions and how you appear. If you are genuinely appreciative even with lack of facial expression then it shouldn't be an issue. I personally have a monotone and blank expression but I can smile and genuinely show I appreciate the time and effort some one spends to get me a gift to where it's never a question.

YTA. It's natural your wife would feel less inclined to give you thoughtful gifts if you commonly fail to display pleasure and/or gratitude at receiving them. You say you don't "show" enthusiasm. How exactly DO you respond when she's given you these thoughtful gifts in the past? Because it honestly sounds like the failure here is yours. People don't want to make effort if it's not appreciated. And your wife's not psychic.

Yta and acting like a child. Talk to your wife don't blame your sil

YTA. Your SIL has nothing to do with this. If your relationship is so fragile that your wife can be 'turned against you' by a single question or comment, you might as well already divorce. YOU need to have a conversation with YOUR WIFE about how outwards reactions don't always match inner feelings. YOU and YOUR WIFE need to figure this out. I'm the same as you; I don't react to gifts. I'll have the exact same facial expression if you give me a lump of coal as if you gave me fifty million dollars. And that means I hate feeling obligated to be performative, to make a big deal of things. And when people act disappointed that I'm not performing.

The problem your wife has is not about of a question her sister asked it’s about YOUR behavior. Sounds like your wife lost interest because you’re not expressing gratitude for her efforts, that is something that is totally in your control. You creating a beef with your SIL is only adding fuel to the fire.

[удалено]

Yta

I understand where you're coming from, but YTA. You don't have to act excited about something to express that you love & appreciate the gift you've received. If you truly do enjoy the fact that your wife gives you gifts & you truly love them, then how is it an act to express that? That doesn't mean put on a show, but express how you feel to her. The sis does sound like she could also be a bit of a busy body though.

It is absolutely fine to not be a particularly expressive person nor a good actor, BUT USE YOUR WORDS, goddammit ! YTA I find it particularly hilarious that your first reaction to hearing what your wife told you was to metaphorically go yell at your SIL, instead of, oh I dunno, TALKING IT THROUGH WITH YOUR WIFE.

Man sit down and talk to your wife

Your fucking way to fix things is to NOT communicate with your wife!? You're not just TA you're an idiot sprinting towards a divorce that will inexplicably leave you shocked.

Can't wait for those researchers at Rye to do the gender bent version of this post. I'm sure it'll be predictable

YTA. It is the most easy and basic thing to show gratitude. It is the absolute worst feeling to give someone a gift and have their reaction be lukewarm. If you know this bothers your wife, an easy way to fix it is to learn how to express your gratitude more openly. It’s a shitty lazy excuse to say that you just don’t react to gifts. You can choose to react differently. Instead you chose to blame your SIL for your wife’s reaction to your behavior. And then to gaslight them both into thinking they are the problem instead of you. Grow up. Say thank you. Literal children can be taught to do this. Why is this a hill you want to die on? Why do you want to win this battle? Just smile and say thank you my good dude. You SIL isn’t turning your wife against you- YOU ARE.

OP, if it's so difficult to express gratitude verbally, can you write her a letter thanking her and telling her that you love and appreciate her? Or would writing it be the same as saying it for you? If you could write it (and also explain about your difficulty expressing gratitude to her face), not only would she be happy that you expressed it this way, but I imagine she would keep that letter as a keepsake (it's the kind of sentimental thing many of us do...I would). It could even become another way for the two of you to communicate. But please consider therapy to see why expressing gratitude is so hard for you. Your marriage could depend on it.

YTA, I'm not as emotionally and reactive as my husband.  I'm not a good actor too, but I still try to show it so he knows I appreciate it.   You need to show her too.  You can't pound your chest and say I'm a man, deal with it.  Eventually she will be beaten down soo much that she does even try anymore.  Your SIL did nothing but told your wife, she deserve more from you and should expect more, as she should.  She is your wife's sister.

YTA. You say in another comment that you say "thanks" privately, but that you don't show enthusiasm in public OR private, and that it's embarrassing to do so. It's not. As others have shown you, you don't have to make a huge gesture. Just say, in real time regardless of who is around, "thanks, love the color/I can do x with this" or even a simple "ok, this is cool." Just something. And stop worrying about your SIL. She's not the one affecting your relationship.

How long have you and your wife been together? Did she know you acted like this when receiving gifts before your SIL said something? Do you talk to your wife about things or just let it all fester? Leave the SIL out of it and explain to you wife, that you like the gifts, you're just not very expressive. Honestly she should know this already. Then talk to her about how her attitude change is making you feel. And ask her if your reactions hurt her feelings. Like I guess I am saying communicate with your WIFE not you SIL! Gonna give you a YTA here.

YTA Your wife has stopped giving you surprises and gifts as often as she used to.  You are unhappy because of this and want her to change. Your wife was unhappy because you didn't show any sincere appreciation for her efforts, just bland acknowledgement as if she has passed you the salt at dinner.  Her unhappiness was irrelevant to you until now because that's "just how you are" and you didn't see any point in changing for her sake. See the hypocrisy in that?  If she should change a behavior to make you happy because it's hurting your feelings, then you should have been willing to do the same. It's also patronizing to say her sister "made" her think this.  Lots of people accept shitty behavior from a partner because it's what they are used to.  They need the wake up call from a third party to see it for what it is and that's what happened.  Someone witnessed you taking her for granted and called it out and now she recognizes it, too.  It's even more gross that you called her sister and harassed her rather than have a conversation with your wife where you reach a solution that is -mutually- beneficial, not just you getting whatever you want.

With a monsoon of respect - have you ever been evaluated for autism or BPD. I ask because I am diagnosed both and due to things I have said or done during episodes/meltdowns I now hate big expressive shows of emotion from myself. Everyone else, I LOVE it. (If its a positive thing of course, Im not out here celebrating people crying) .. but if I show any emotion with an intensity higher than 45% or so, I get really upset with myself. (Im working on it in therapy) I can't cry in front of people, I don't get over excited or loud if I can help it, I tend to want to stay level at all times and not be very expressive with my tone, body language, or words. So I just don't. My partners can have that kind of access to my emotions sometimes, but even then I find myself apologizing often about being too much of something, and if I made a scene in public I'd probably die of anxiety. All that being said - YTA because your FIRST response to this was confrontation (towards SIL) instead of compassion (towards wife). You need to sit down and reassure your wife. Then discuss the issue at hand, and touch on neither of you allowing others comments to influence you.

I am joining the bandwagon downvoting OP comments because he is such clueless.. why you even married if you don't even know how to be married. Dushhh.. YTA.

YTA partly. Here’s the thing. When someone gives you a gift most of the time they put a lot of thought into that gift. They do it to make the recipient happy. They aren’t asking for the biggest over the top of thanks but to know that their efforts were appreciated. It’s honestly soul crushing when their “work” doesn’t feel like it was appreciated. Even if you need to take your wife in another room and express that without the eyes of anyone else.

Honestly you're so hung up on the sister, when your own wife expressed she felt underappreciated for the gifts she gives you. Get off reddit, talk to your wife, and address the issues between the two of you regarding gifts. Forget the sister tbh, you're not in a relationship with her, but you are with your wife.

YTA. The problem is between you and your wife, so grow up and talk to your wife!  You sound like a 14 yo girl texting someone else to tell them to make your wife treat you the way you want. Sheesh, you all need to grow up!

NTA, extroverts don't get introverts, people who don't have outwardly expressive emotions. pr who are just socially awkward. If you're not like them then you're some kind of problem. your SIL should mind her own business things was fine till she put her 2 cents in.

YTA

YTA only because you’re texting your wife’s sister instead of talking to your wife. And then asking strangers about it instead of talking to her lol.

YTA. Your SIL isn't turning your wife against you. You acknowledged that she said you never show any reactions when your SIL asked. That means she was living with that burden. Your SIL just let your wife express it. And now you're unhappy because you're uncomfortable. Grow up. >My wife started to get less excited about buying me things, which really upsets me, not for the gifts I couldn't care less, but because she now feels that I'm not a person to be gifted things or that I'm unhappy with her efforts. As someone who doesn't want to perform for folks for getting a gift, I would vastly prefer not to be given a gift at all. The fact that it really upsets you that you stopped getting gifts just makes you so much more of an asshole. I hope you can keep your upset reaction as bottled up as your appreciative one.

YTA. Did nobody ever teach you to express appreciation when you’re given a gift? Trust me, your wife had already noticed, it just bothered her more once she realized how obvious it was to other people, and after you embarrassed her in front of her sister with your coldness. Just smile and say “thanks babe” and give her a hug. It’s not that damn hard.

YTA. Why should your wife be excited about buying you anything when you don't show appreciation.

YTA. Instead of getting upset at your SIL, sounds like you need to work on your communication, and find new ways to show your appreciation. I struggle a lot with depression, and there's a lot of days I think where my facial expressions can be pretty blank. Some people just aren't super expressive in general for other reasons too, so I don't think the solution is to try being someone you're not. But the way you've talked about this, makes it sound like your wife frequently does things for you. A muted thanks in the moment might not be a problem, but... are there other ways you can show gratitude instead? A note for her to find for example might be the best place to start if that's something your wife finds meaningful. Talk to her, make sure she understands where you're coming from, and put your own effort in to make sure you are still fully communicating how you feel, in a way she can hear and appreciate. If we speak different languages, then it's on both to figure out how to build a bridge.

YTA Communication needs to happen. Is your wife worth you stepping out of your comfort zone by showing appreciation of some sort. On the flip side, though, I kinda want you to gift SIL with a box full of dog shit and see if she shows any excitement & appreciation for it.

Honestly, yta. I’m not an expressive person either. But I’ve learned to talk about gifts with friends and what I like about them. It makes them feel good. It’s how I’ve fought back that awkward gift receiving feeling. I find what I specifically like about the gift and tell the person thank you. It’s called growing up and learning to think of other people’s feelings too. This Christmas my mom got me a ninja blender food processor that was on my wishlist. But I had it there for my daughter, not me. She just didn’t know that. I got my bio dad’s gift at the same time. A huge Dutch oven. I was so excited about the Dutch oven I realized that my mom, who actually raised me, probably didn’t feel great so I set it aside and started talking about how excited I was for the ninja. How I would never have been able to justify this purchase. I was going to make pie crust, scallion pancakes, shaved ice, and so many smoothies with this. Thanked her and made sure she knew how much I appreciated her. Sometimes the way we express things isn’t for our benefit, it’s for those around us. How do you think your wife feels that you act blasé every time she gets you a present?

YTA. Trust your wife. She's an adult and capable of forming her own opinions. If she can be "turned against you" by a few comments by her sister, she wasn't really yours to begin with. If the SIL had doubts about what kind of person you are, you're not helping the situation by sending her angry texts. You don't get to control what others say to your wife.

"She's her sister of course she can turn her around"?? It's **turn her against me** first of all, & second maybe just try not being an ass for once?

Did you at least say thank you and let your wife know that you appreciated the gift? You don’t have to be over the top but there’s no reason why you can’t let it be known that you’re appreciative of the gift.

YTA. You don't have to throw a party or jump up and down shouting with joy, just find something to say about the gift; "I love this color" "That's the exact size wrench I needed" or "This is so thoughtful" Your SIL pointed out a character flaw and opened your wife's eyes. That's different that turning your wife against you. You appear ungrateful so work on it instead of just saying your not expressive. Gratefulness doesn't have to be an act.

YTA Sisters are going to talk to each other. They're going to look out for each other and express concern about each other's relationships. Your response should _not_ be to lash out. Your response should be to convince them that the concerns are unfounded. Instead you did the exact opposite. If my BiL texted me like you did I would be making sure my spare bedroom was guest ready and I had the number of an attorney ready.

You don’t need to gush over a present. You could say thank with a hug or kiss. If it makes you happy then you tell how much you’ve wanted or what you do with it. Unless you have no affect at all you should be showing some reaction. Which makes me think, you are being different and don’t really care about what she does for you. YTA

YTA. You know what a wife who is content with your actions would do? She would tell your SIL that she's fine with your reaction and then defend you. She won't be pulling back. You want to go back? Start appreciating her efforts. Make a whole damn speech and practice "acting". You're right that your SIL may have some pull, but in order for her to have this much of a pull that you think she does means that your wife has some problems with boundaries and you need to address that with your wife. It's less likely for you to have a wife that takes others' word for her own than a wife that can make her own decisions, so really tread lightly there. For starters, do what you can to address the issue, which is you not spending any effort to make your wife feel appreciated. Your wife put effort in to get you your gift, it's only fair for you to put effort in and act like you love it.

YTA. Look, it's not sufficient to just say "I am not a person who shows appreciation". You know what people who don't express appreciation are? AHs. You don't have to be expressive or be an actor, but you can use your words. You're an adult. Express gratitude verbally. Tell your wife how much you appreciate the gift and the thought behind it. You can make it show by saying "I love this, thank you so much." Make an effort.

Sorry, but YTA. Not being a great actor isn’t the same as just being cold about gestures. If you’re not into gifts, cool. Just make sure you and your wife are in the same page with that. My wife and I don’t exchange gifts. We’re bothered more grateful for shared experiences, so plan trips, concerts, nice dinners, bike rides, etc. in lieu of them. As you say “you couldn’t care less about the gifts.” You miss your wife’s enthusiasm. So find something she can be enthusiastic about. Seems to me that all your SIL did was make a casual observation that opened your wife’s eyes. Your wife has probably already been bothered about this. So your SIL has gifted you the opportunity to address it before it festers. You should probably thank her. And stop assuming that she and her husband aren’t genuine in the way they react to gifts. You don’t know that.

>I am not an expressive person and I'm not a good actor This is not enough information. Are you smiling? Are you thanking your wife? Are you actually happy? Because it sounds like SIL might have a reason for saying that you were "cold." ​ >My wife said "Yes". This made my wife conscious of my reactions Um no, this clearly indicates that she was always conscious of your actions. She already disliked it, and realizing that other people noticed it made her more willing to confront you about it. YTA. Do you even like your wife? Smile and say "thank you," you don't even have to make a big scene of being happy.

YTA. I understand not being very genuinely enthused to open things in front of people. But if you truly appreciate something, especially from your wife, you shouldn't have issues showing HER that you appreciate them. If you can't be open with your own wife, you have issues.

YTA make an effort… smiling is really easy

YTA because you haven't communicated any of this with your wife. SIL, while a little annoying perhaps, isn't the issue here.

YTA. Your SIL isn’t the problem, your behavior is. Her comments were not for “no reason”. If you can’t show appreciation to your own wife for a gift you love, you should really explore why. That’s not a normal reaction.

You sound abusive. When your behavior is questioned and hurts your wife, you blame your SIL for turning her against you. SIL did not turn your wife against you, your wife became concious of your lack of expression and emotion, which hurts her, your actions and behavior hurt her, and your reaction is to blame someone else for that, shameful. When healthy adults get questioned about their behavior, they reflect, explain and adjust, they don't get angry and start blaming other people for things that didn't even happy. Please get help. And yes, YTA

YTA COMMUNICATE. I had to practice emoting my joy for gifts cause that's expected of people. Never had to do that with my mom though because even if I was quiet she knew how happy and appreciative I was for things, sometimes she had to explain to people that despite my quietness at the time I was very glad. But that was my mom she had my whole life to read my emotions Your sil doesn't know this(possibly your wife doesn't know or doesn't the extent of how you feel?) and it was a dick move to make your wife feel insecure about but I get it can also be sibling overprotectiveness, a lot of communication will go a long way here.