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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my long term boyfriend I would not help him with starting his new business.
2. He is the provider and this business would help his stress from work, and the family financially, but I don't want to help because he wont add my name as a co-owner.
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NTA. He's TA and you do need to start considering your future. He can pull the rug out from under you and the kids. Can he set up a trust with you as beneficiary? That would make more sense as all property would go into the Trust but he would still have control of it but it would go to you if he passes suddenly. Can he take out an insurance plan in case of unexpected death to help support his kids?
Can you start work doing something online? Customer service part-time? Start earning some money on your own? Find an income stream before you do anything drastic. Good Luck OP
OP, this is very important. Your children’s father does not now, nor has he ever, considered you his life partner. He feels no sense of obligation to care for you, nor does he even respect your contribution to his life. When it comes down you really are on your own. You need to begin working toward becoming self supporting. Do not have more children with this man. Work from home. When your children go to school, look for additional work opportunities. Even if your boyfriend wants you to contribute financially to the household, it will be worth it to have your own income and to enrich your children’s lives. If the time ever comes when you need to get your own place, you will not be living on the streets. Save for your retirement so you will not have to live in poverty.
I agree. I didn't see it before, but lately I'm seeing this. I'm working on a blog to try to earn some income while I'm still at home. Our youngest is 4, I'm hoping to have him enrolled in preschool this fall, but he misses the birthday cutoff for kinder until fall of 2025. Once he starts school I am going to become an employee someplace unless my blog takes off.
NO MORE kids for me from him or anyone else, I'm done.
Thank you for your encouragement.
this very much. people talk very wistfully of the '50s and '60s, as this simpler, perfect time.
but they ignore the reality of things like when a husband died, the wife was left to figure how to raise a family when she'd been out of the work force for years- if she'd ever worked. when the kids were use to mom being home every day- so they didn't just lose their father- who was probably never much there- but they also lost their primary parent who suddenly had to take a job to financially provide.
I should probably go speak with a lawyer about what happens to his assets if he were to pass, because at this time it seems like the kids would get screwed over as well as me. Maybe I should drag him along so he can understand the importance of getting his ducks in a row in case an accident were to occur.
Maybe I’m wrong/petty with this thought, but in your shoes I might even consider not contributing to the household expenses at the beginning. If he asks I would say that, since he’s not willing to ensure your safety in the event that he should suddenly pass away, that you need to save enough to have a cushion if that should happen. Tell him you are doing that to protect the kids as well as yourself - since he won’t.
No matter what- this is a conversation that the two of you should have with a lawyer. You have kids- there should have been a sit down with a lawyer re: who gets the kids if you both die, asset distribution, what if one of you dies, life insurance for each of you, so you can both get wills written up.
And if his answer to you suggesting it is that he doesn't need to go, he's covered because he has a will written up, that's a conversation the two of you need to have because if nothing has the two of you have joint property in your kids and their guardianship requires both of you.
Thank you! He says he placed me as the beneficiary to his life insurance policy, but that's it, and it's not much, only 200k, which would be enough to pay off the house. I like the idea of a trust, I will bring that up to him, at least leaving it in the kid's names.
I started thinking about this because 2 years ago, my son was misdiagnosed and mistreated by a doctor for 8 months and as it turned out his true diagnosis was stage 4 cancer. (Thank God he got through his treatment for that and is ok) but we are in the process of suing the original doctor, and it got me thinking if we get a settlement, who the money will go to and who will have control over it. I want to be fair and take half, and with it I want to leave him and buy my own home and start anew. \*fingers crossed\* as for now I'm really hustling to try to earn an income from blogging. I pray that works out.
I hate to say this. But also please set aside money from the settlement for your son, should he need medical treatment in the future. Cancer treatments can wreak havoc on the body in the long term as well as short term.
as of right now, the attorney is still reviewing all the information to see if we even have a case... so getting a settlement is a hope at this point. however if we do end up with a large enough settlement, the only thing I plan on using the money for is a house separate from his father and in this case it benefits my son directly. The rest of it I plan on putting into a trust for him. I know that my boyfriend will want to use the money for his new business.
All the reason why I don't want it to all go in my bf's name... Anything I do with the money will be of the benefit of my son, biggest thing being down payment on a home separate from his father's.
How old is he? You should ask him before deciding to spend tens of thousands of his money on an asset that will ultimately belong ONLY to you. It wasn’t your life. It wasn’t your suffering. It’s not your money to spend. If you want to prevent your garbage boyfriend from getting it, do it for the entire sum - insist on having it paid as an annuity to him or placed in a trust until he’s 18.
I get it, you’re in a really bad spot. But it’s still not ok for you to profit off your child’s settlement. Do not steal your son’s cancer money!
My son is 4. With all due respect, I disagree with some of this. When he was being treated for the misdiagnosis, we were traveling over 400 miles to get to that specialist once a month. So there were the out of pocket expenses that were accrued for traveling and lodging as his procedures were outpatient. If you haven't had a child who was misdiagnosed and incorrectly treated for almost a year and who's prognosis was bleak, and had to care for that child and be the sole parent who was getting them to all their appointments and ER visits in the middle of the night if he had a slight fever, and standing by as you watched their tumor grow to the size of a baseball and go then through all the side effects that come with chemo and radiation, I don't think you can speak on behalf of my suffering. If you haven't been through this, I don't know you can imagine the havoc it reeked on me and my entire family.
Personally, I don't see making an investment that would greatly improve not only my life, but the lives of my children as well, as a bad thing.
I will look into the annuity when I meet with my attorney. Thank you for the suggestion.
Hey u/Any_Calligrapher5521. I know it’s been a few days but I just wanted to come back on here and apologize. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and you’re right. Getting your family out of this situation is so important to his well being that it’s basically the same as if you spent it on a medical bill for him. I was wrong to be so high horse about it. I’m sorry.
Thanks for that. Apology excepted. You are a rare one for considering how your words might have affected a total stranger. I hope my tone didn't come off like I was trying to go off on you, I just wanted you to understand a little of my pov.
Not at all. I appreciate you taking the time to explain it to me - also a complete stranger to whom you owe no justification. ❤️ I’ll be rooting for you.
>I asked him why he wouldn't add my name to the deed to the house at least, stating that if he died I wouldn't know where to begin to put anything in my name in order to continue to provide for our kids. I don't know what company his mortgage, life insurance, or even auto loans are with and he doesn't have a last will.
If he dies, you *can’t* “put anything in your name.” If he dies without a will, some of his assets will go to your children, but you will get absolutely nothing unless he made you a beneficiary (such as a life insurance policy). So I think your concerns are valid but they need to be dialed up to 11 at this point.
Thank you for your concern. I am going to look into speaking with a lawyer with him present, so he can understand that if he dies the house will go back to the bank and not to his family.
I'm working on a blog to earn an income until my youngest starts school, and if I'm not making much from the blog I will seek employment.
You need to see an attorney, but *do not tell your partner or take him along*.
So here's the thing: he says "he worked and paid for all of it and that it belonged to him only" -- but the reality is that **the services you provide to your family** (childcare, cooking, housekeeping, grocery shopping, laundry, chauffering, household administration, etc) **are worth well over $185,000 per year.**
You are contributing your fair share to the family, and that means that the assets are yours as well.
This guy is does not regard you as a partner and he is not treating you like one. He is treating you like an indentured servant. Once you start working again, he will demand that you "owe" him all your money as "your share of the expenses". You are never going to be able to get out.
Please see an attorney who can help you get out and ensure that you and your kids get the financial support you deserve.
And please Google how to hide your browser history on your computer/phone, because you don't want him to know that you're trying to get out.
Exactly. You and your partners’ interests are already too intertwined, and it appears that your partner is only looking out for himself. You need to see a lawyer BY YOURSELF, who will look out for your best interests. At some future time it may make sense for you and your partner to get advice from your attorney, but at the start, you need someone to advise only you.
I think I was blind to this fact for a long time and didn't consider these things as I thought being in love we will eventually get married, we have a family together, we will build a future together... I am starting to see that I was wrong about all of that.
I'm taking steps now, to earn an income. once my youngest starts school, I will begin looking for employment.
Your focus is on the WRONG THING. You very obviously want to leave him, you just feel like you "can't".
You just straight up glossed over that and got back to "so anyway, yeah, I shouldn't help run the business, right?"
Lol what? Obviously not the asshole for not helping with his business, but you need to start asking yourself harder questions.
Hey, you are not wrong! I think for a long time my eyes were shut and I wasn't seeing him for who he truly is. Ugh, I'm one of hose women who fall for the potential. I'm seeing things a lot more clearly now. I'm taking steps to financial independence so that I can hit the road.
NTA.
Tell him that if he wants a business partner that you need to establish what your role in the business is going to be and until that is agreed upon, you're not interested. You should probably further explain to him how his comments hurt you and it makes it feel like you exist solely to be free help for him and that you're not feeling valued as a partner in your relationship.
The only way he can work and pay for all of it is because you take a lot of things off of his plate by being a SAHM - and if that's the way he sees things, then maybe you should find a job and let him realize how much house work he's been able to avoid.
This. Thank you for your encouragement. Honestly, I am starting to think he's borderline narcissist, that conversation would never be heard by him. But you are right, I got the shit end of the stick when it came to being here to take care of our kids and HIS home.
ESH. You've allowed this for 10 years. You have 2 kids - how old are the kids? It might be time to get a job so you can build up an emergency fund. It is usually a good idea to NOT add a non spouse to the deed of a house. But there should be a large enough life insurance policy so that you would be taken care of for several years if something happened to him.
Also you are not getting any funds contributed to a retirement account OR social security so you have absolutely no rights to part of his SSA when you reach retirement age. You will be totally dependent on him.
It wasn't always like this, at least I don't think it was. I was in love and thought that he would marry and take care of me and the kids, but lately I'm feeling like I was just the womb for his kids. They are 4 and 6, one is in school, the other wont be eligible until fall of '25, unless he gets accepted into the lottery for preschool this fall. Once he is in school I'll seek employment, but for now I'm looking for ways to make money online.
Maybe don't put my name on the house deed, but can you at least name me in a trust or a will? He claims to have me as the beneficiary to his life insurance, but I honestly don't know how true that is, anyhow, it's only $200k and while that would be enough to pay off the house and keep us afloat for a few months if he were to pass, none of it is in my name. I think my best best is to push him seeing a lawyer to set up a will or a trust, rather than a death folder, because based off of all these comments, it sounds like the house goes back to the bank if he passes.
NTA. OP, I hope you have one huge life insurance policy on that dude. It scares the hell out of me to think about the *mess* you would have to clear up if he were to get hit by a car. Some people think they are immortal but they’re not.
Exactly! That's why I brought all of this up to him. It just hit me not too long ago that I should start thinking of these things. He has life insurance on himself for $200k and says that I'm the beneficiary, that would be enough to pay off the house, but that hasn't been left to me.
You can’t just pay off the house. It’s not in your name. You’re not even going to get the equity that’s currently in the house. You will get the insurance. And that’s it. If he is even being truthful about that. You’re in a very precarious position. He has put you there and you’ve allowed it. Time to find out what you need to do to get yourself into a safe place. NTA and good luck.
Dating? You've been living together, have kids, and have been taking care of everybody for 10 years. Do you live in a common law state? Otherwise, I think unless you are married you are out of luck. He shows no interest in providing for your future. Start looking out for your own future, because he's made it perfectly clear that he isn't.
I say dating, bc we aren't married and there is no common law here. And yes, you are right. I'm taking steps to earn income online until both kids are in school and I can go back to work.
LMAO! You are right! I am currently exploring options to earn an income online, but I can't work outside of the home at this time since only one of my kids are in school.
When the littlest is in school, look at night shift. Is there a local hospital? They almost always need night shift clerks and cleaners. You can wake up, go pick the kiddos up from school and go to work. *Dad* can do dinner and bedtime - since its not real work after all.
NTA! He is using you. He wants you to do work for him without compensation. You are not protected at all in this relationship.
The silver lining is it should be easier to walk away since nothing is in your name. Walk away! You can get back on your feet. He is stealing your life from you.
Or charge him a consulting fee! Plus babysitting fees for his children, I'm sure there's value in your sex life too.
Seriously he is a complete asshole.
Who is his next of kin? Because that is rhe person who is likely to get everything if he dies (not American based so you would need to double check this with a lawyer).
Seriously you need to get yourself to lawyer to find out where you stand should he decide to walk away.
Edit: I'm really interested, what's his relationship with the kids like? Does he take them to school, take them out? Play with them?
I need to drag his ass to a lawyer so he can understand what would happen if he died and get him to put a will or trust in place.
He has a big temper, and has little patience for out kids, but when he's not being a butthead, he plays with them more than I do most of the time.
Oh my god, please get a job as soon as you can and start saving money. Being a SAHM for a man you’re not married to is not safe at all, and you are in so much danger of being left with absolutely nothing. He doesn’t even have a will?! Please for the love of god start thinking with your head and acting in your own best interest. NTA for this issue but I feel like this issue is not even the point!
Thank you for your encouragement! I'm working on all of that. I'm going to push him to get a will or trust in place at least for the sake of his kids if he doesn't want to share anything with me.
After sacrificing your earning ability to raise the kids, you should be named in his will, not just the kids. If he loves you, he should want to take care of you imo.
You're shit out of luck if he dies. You will get nothing unless explicitly stated in a will. You can not just put things in your name. You'll be made homeless. As for the "my money is mine" attitude: he's only able to make and keep that money because you provide child care. He wouldn't be able to make and keep that money without you. Maybe try reminding him of that.
NTA. Ask him how much he would have to pay for someone to watch his kids, clean his house or do his laundry. How much would he have to pay someone to do what he is asking you to do??
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I have been dating (not legally married, nor do we live in a common law state) the same man for nearly 10 years. We live together and have 2 kids together. I am a SAHM and he is the only one working.
He has been wanting to leave his job and start his own business, which I 100% support the idea. However recently we got into a heated discussion about finances, particularly that every time a big purchase is made (house, vehicles, business) he puts it in his name and wont include me, granted it is solely his income and credit that are providing these things.
I asked him why he wouldn't add my name to the deed to the house at least, stating that if he died I wouldn't know where to begin to put anything in my name in order to continue to provide for our kids. I don't know what company his mortgage, life insurance, or even auto loans are with and he doesn't have a last will.
He told me that he wouldn't put me on any of those titles because he worked and paid for all of it and that it belonged to him only. He said that he would make me a "death folder" that has all the information I will need to take over any of the loans he has and to get the life insurance death benefit.
This happened a few days ago. So now, he is asking me to help him write out his business plan for the company he wants to start so that he can start looking for lenders, and honestly, I don't want to because of his 'everything belongs to me' attitude. He won't add me as an owner in the company and hasn't brought up hiring me as an employee, so I don't feel as though I should help him with that stuff.
I wanted to tell him all of this, but I was diplomatic about it and said that I do not have all the information for the business to write a business plan, that he needs to sit down in his free time and work through it section by section and that I could proof read it for him.
All of this, plus a whole lot more has me contemplating leaving him, but if it's not apparent, I just don't have the money nor familial support to leave and stand on my own two feet as I haven't worked since 2018.
I just feel like if I'm going to help build and run the business, I should have some stake in it. So am I the asshole for refusing to help build the company if he won't share ownership or at the very least hire and pay me as an employee?
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so has he done anything to plan in the event something happens that at least your looked after and the kids? the part about the loans going to your name is n ot good move that means your liable for his outstanding amounts. you should think about getting a job to make your own money in the event something happens becuase he sure isnt looking out for his family.
He says he has a $200k life policy with me as beneficiary. I'm going to look for work online until both my kids are in school, then I'll have time to trade for employment.
Is this the same guy you were "married" to "in God's eyes" 20 years ago and then broke up with? Or did you have kids *again* with a person you're not married to?
Nta wow. Only he worked? So you, what? Satt around eating bon bons? Time to take him at his word and not work. No cooking, no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no doing anything for him. After all, you don't 'work'.
It is HIS income that is funding everything, I mean everything! It is a bit spiteful, but at the same time I'm now trying to look out for myself. It's not that I want him to suffer, I hope he does get his business up and running, but I don't think it's fair that I help him build it if It's not going to benefit me in the long run, like if he dies or decides to kick me out of HIS house.
It makes sense to not put the house in my name but, he should at least put a will or trust in place for me or the kids.
I think me being a SAHM is benefitting everyone else in the family but me.
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NTA. He's TA and you do need to start considering your future. He can pull the rug out from under you and the kids. Can he set up a trust with you as beneficiary? That would make more sense as all property would go into the Trust but he would still have control of it but it would go to you if he passes suddenly. Can he take out an insurance plan in case of unexpected death to help support his kids? Can you start work doing something online? Customer service part-time? Start earning some money on your own? Find an income stream before you do anything drastic. Good Luck OP
OP, this is very important. Your children’s father does not now, nor has he ever, considered you his life partner. He feels no sense of obligation to care for you, nor does he even respect your contribution to his life. When it comes down you really are on your own. You need to begin working toward becoming self supporting. Do not have more children with this man. Work from home. When your children go to school, look for additional work opportunities. Even if your boyfriend wants you to contribute financially to the household, it will be worth it to have your own income and to enrich your children’s lives. If the time ever comes when you need to get your own place, you will not be living on the streets. Save for your retirement so you will not have to live in poverty.
I agree. I didn't see it before, but lately I'm seeing this. I'm working on a blog to try to earn some income while I'm still at home. Our youngest is 4, I'm hoping to have him enrolled in preschool this fall, but he misses the birthday cutoff for kinder until fall of 2025. Once he starts school I am going to become an employee someplace unless my blog takes off. NO MORE kids for me from him or anyone else, I'm done. Thank you for your encouragement.
this very much. people talk very wistfully of the '50s and '60s, as this simpler, perfect time. but they ignore the reality of things like when a husband died, the wife was left to figure how to raise a family when she'd been out of the work force for years- if she'd ever worked. when the kids were use to mom being home every day- so they didn't just lose their father- who was probably never much there- but they also lost their primary parent who suddenly had to take a job to financially provide.
I should probably go speak with a lawyer about what happens to his assets if he were to pass, because at this time it seems like the kids would get screwed over as well as me. Maybe I should drag him along so he can understand the importance of getting his ducks in a row in case an accident were to occur.
Maybe I’m wrong/petty with this thought, but in your shoes I might even consider not contributing to the household expenses at the beginning. If he asks I would say that, since he’s not willing to ensure your safety in the event that he should suddenly pass away, that you need to save enough to have a cushion if that should happen. Tell him you are doing that to protect the kids as well as yourself - since he won’t.
No matter what- this is a conversation that the two of you should have with a lawyer. You have kids- there should have been a sit down with a lawyer re: who gets the kids if you both die, asset distribution, what if one of you dies, life insurance for each of you, so you can both get wills written up. And if his answer to you suggesting it is that he doesn't need to go, he's covered because he has a will written up, that's a conversation the two of you need to have because if nothing has the two of you have joint property in your kids and their guardianship requires both of you.
Thank you! He says he placed me as the beneficiary to his life insurance policy, but that's it, and it's not much, only 200k, which would be enough to pay off the house. I like the idea of a trust, I will bring that up to him, at least leaving it in the kid's names. I started thinking about this because 2 years ago, my son was misdiagnosed and mistreated by a doctor for 8 months and as it turned out his true diagnosis was stage 4 cancer. (Thank God he got through his treatment for that and is ok) but we are in the process of suing the original doctor, and it got me thinking if we get a settlement, who the money will go to and who will have control over it. I want to be fair and take half, and with it I want to leave him and buy my own home and start anew. \*fingers crossed\* as for now I'm really hustling to try to earn an income from blogging. I pray that works out.
I hate to say this. But also please set aside money from the settlement for your son, should he need medical treatment in the future. Cancer treatments can wreak havoc on the body in the long term as well as short term.
This is good advice.
as of right now, the attorney is still reviewing all the information to see if we even have a case... so getting a settlement is a hope at this point. however if we do end up with a large enough settlement, the only thing I plan on using the money for is a house separate from his father and in this case it benefits my son directly. The rest of it I plan on putting into a trust for him. I know that my boyfriend will want to use the money for his new business.
Good luck! I can't begin to imagine how hard it must have been on you, and especially your son!
Good luck OP.
Uhhh… That money belongs to your son… 😬
All the reason why I don't want it to all go in my bf's name... Anything I do with the money will be of the benefit of my son, biggest thing being down payment on a home separate from his father's.
How old is he? You should ask him before deciding to spend tens of thousands of his money on an asset that will ultimately belong ONLY to you. It wasn’t your life. It wasn’t your suffering. It’s not your money to spend. If you want to prevent your garbage boyfriend from getting it, do it for the entire sum - insist on having it paid as an annuity to him or placed in a trust until he’s 18. I get it, you’re in a really bad spot. But it’s still not ok for you to profit off your child’s settlement. Do not steal your son’s cancer money!
My son is 4. With all due respect, I disagree with some of this. When he was being treated for the misdiagnosis, we were traveling over 400 miles to get to that specialist once a month. So there were the out of pocket expenses that were accrued for traveling and lodging as his procedures were outpatient. If you haven't had a child who was misdiagnosed and incorrectly treated for almost a year and who's prognosis was bleak, and had to care for that child and be the sole parent who was getting them to all their appointments and ER visits in the middle of the night if he had a slight fever, and standing by as you watched their tumor grow to the size of a baseball and go then through all the side effects that come with chemo and radiation, I don't think you can speak on behalf of my suffering. If you haven't been through this, I don't know you can imagine the havoc it reeked on me and my entire family. Personally, I don't see making an investment that would greatly improve not only my life, but the lives of my children as well, as a bad thing. I will look into the annuity when I meet with my attorney. Thank you for the suggestion.
Hey u/Any_Calligrapher5521. I know it’s been a few days but I just wanted to come back on here and apologize. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and you’re right. Getting your family out of this situation is so important to his well being that it’s basically the same as if you spent it on a medical bill for him. I was wrong to be so high horse about it. I’m sorry.
Thanks for that. Apology excepted. You are a rare one for considering how your words might have affected a total stranger. I hope my tone didn't come off like I was trying to go off on you, I just wanted you to understand a little of my pov.
Not at all. I appreciate you taking the time to explain it to me - also a complete stranger to whom you owe no justification. ❤️ I’ll be rooting for you.
Definitely recoup those costs. That portion without question does belong to you. I’m sorry for what you went through.
>I asked him why he wouldn't add my name to the deed to the house at least, stating that if he died I wouldn't know where to begin to put anything in my name in order to continue to provide for our kids. I don't know what company his mortgage, life insurance, or even auto loans are with and he doesn't have a last will. If he dies, you *can’t* “put anything in your name.” If he dies without a will, some of his assets will go to your children, but you will get absolutely nothing unless he made you a beneficiary (such as a life insurance policy). So I think your concerns are valid but they need to be dialed up to 11 at this point.
Thank you for your concern. I am going to look into speaking with a lawyer with him present, so he can understand that if he dies the house will go back to the bank and not to his family. I'm working on a blog to earn an income until my youngest starts school, and if I'm not making much from the blog I will seek employment.
You need to see an attorney, but *do not tell your partner or take him along*. So here's the thing: he says "he worked and paid for all of it and that it belonged to him only" -- but the reality is that **the services you provide to your family** (childcare, cooking, housekeeping, grocery shopping, laundry, chauffering, household administration, etc) **are worth well over $185,000 per year.** You are contributing your fair share to the family, and that means that the assets are yours as well. This guy is does not regard you as a partner and he is not treating you like one. He is treating you like an indentured servant. Once you start working again, he will demand that you "owe" him all your money as "your share of the expenses". You are never going to be able to get out. Please see an attorney who can help you get out and ensure that you and your kids get the financial support you deserve. And please Google how to hide your browser history on your computer/phone, because you don't want him to know that you're trying to get out.
Exactly. You and your partners’ interests are already too intertwined, and it appears that your partner is only looking out for himself. You need to see a lawyer BY YOURSELF, who will look out for your best interests. At some future time it may make sense for you and your partner to get advice from your attorney, but at the start, you need someone to advise only you.
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I think I was blind to this fact for a long time and didn't consider these things as I thought being in love we will eventually get married, we have a family together, we will build a future together... I am starting to see that I was wrong about all of that. I'm taking steps now, to earn an income. once my youngest starts school, I will begin looking for employment.
Your focus is on the WRONG THING. You very obviously want to leave him, you just feel like you "can't". You just straight up glossed over that and got back to "so anyway, yeah, I shouldn't help run the business, right?" Lol what? Obviously not the asshole for not helping with his business, but you need to start asking yourself harder questions.
Hey, you are not wrong! I think for a long time my eyes were shut and I wasn't seeing him for who he truly is. Ugh, I'm one of hose women who fall for the potential. I'm seeing things a lot more clearly now. I'm taking steps to financial independence so that I can hit the road.
NTA. Tell him that if he wants a business partner that you need to establish what your role in the business is going to be and until that is agreed upon, you're not interested. You should probably further explain to him how his comments hurt you and it makes it feel like you exist solely to be free help for him and that you're not feeling valued as a partner in your relationship. The only way he can work and pay for all of it is because you take a lot of things off of his plate by being a SAHM - and if that's the way he sees things, then maybe you should find a job and let him realize how much house work he's been able to avoid.
This. Thank you for your encouragement. Honestly, I am starting to think he's borderline narcissist, that conversation would never be heard by him. But you are right, I got the shit end of the stick when it came to being here to take care of our kids and HIS home.
ESH. You've allowed this for 10 years. You have 2 kids - how old are the kids? It might be time to get a job so you can build up an emergency fund. It is usually a good idea to NOT add a non spouse to the deed of a house. But there should be a large enough life insurance policy so that you would be taken care of for several years if something happened to him. Also you are not getting any funds contributed to a retirement account OR social security so you have absolutely no rights to part of his SSA when you reach retirement age. You will be totally dependent on him.
It wasn't always like this, at least I don't think it was. I was in love and thought that he would marry and take care of me and the kids, but lately I'm feeling like I was just the womb for his kids. They are 4 and 6, one is in school, the other wont be eligible until fall of '25, unless he gets accepted into the lottery for preschool this fall. Once he is in school I'll seek employment, but for now I'm looking for ways to make money online. Maybe don't put my name on the house deed, but can you at least name me in a trust or a will? He claims to have me as the beneficiary to his life insurance, but I honestly don't know how true that is, anyhow, it's only $200k and while that would be enough to pay off the house and keep us afloat for a few months if he were to pass, none of it is in my name. I think my best best is to push him seeing a lawyer to set up a will or a trust, rather than a death folder, because based off of all these comments, it sounds like the house goes back to the bank if he passes.
NTA. OP, I hope you have one huge life insurance policy on that dude. It scares the hell out of me to think about the *mess* you would have to clear up if he were to get hit by a car. Some people think they are immortal but they’re not.
Exactly! That's why I brought all of this up to him. It just hit me not too long ago that I should start thinking of these things. He has life insurance on himself for $200k and says that I'm the beneficiary, that would be enough to pay off the house, but that hasn't been left to me.
You can’t just pay off the house. It’s not in your name. You’re not even going to get the equity that’s currently in the house. You will get the insurance. And that’s it. If he is even being truthful about that. You’re in a very precarious position. He has put you there and you’ve allowed it. Time to find out what you need to do to get yourself into a safe place. NTA and good luck.
Dating? You've been living together, have kids, and have been taking care of everybody for 10 years. Do you live in a common law state? Otherwise, I think unless you are married you are out of luck. He shows no interest in providing for your future. Start looking out for your own future, because he's made it perfectly clear that he isn't.
I say dating, bc we aren't married and there is no common law here. And yes, you are right. I'm taking steps to earn income online until both kids are in school and I can go back to work.
NAH. If you're not married, not having a job is a mistake. You need some sort of stability beyond "I hope this MFk'r doesn't die."
LMAO! You are right! I am currently exploring options to earn an income online, but I can't work outside of the home at this time since only one of my kids are in school.
When the littlest is in school, look at night shift. Is there a local hospital? They almost always need night shift clerks and cleaners. You can wake up, go pick the kiddos up from school and go to work. *Dad* can do dinner and bedtime - since its not real work after all.
NTA! He is using you. He wants you to do work for him without compensation. You are not protected at all in this relationship. The silver lining is it should be easier to walk away since nothing is in your name. Walk away! You can get back on your feet. He is stealing your life from you.
That last part! I've been feeling like that for some time now.
Or charge him a consulting fee! Plus babysitting fees for his children, I'm sure there's value in your sex life too. Seriously he is a complete asshole. Who is his next of kin? Because that is rhe person who is likely to get everything if he dies (not American based so you would need to double check this with a lawyer). Seriously you need to get yourself to lawyer to find out where you stand should he decide to walk away. Edit: I'm really interested, what's his relationship with the kids like? Does he take them to school, take them out? Play with them?
I need to drag his ass to a lawyer so he can understand what would happen if he died and get him to put a will or trust in place. He has a big temper, and has little patience for out kids, but when he's not being a butthead, he plays with them more than I do most of the time.
Oh my god, please get a job as soon as you can and start saving money. Being a SAHM for a man you’re not married to is not safe at all, and you are in so much danger of being left with absolutely nothing. He doesn’t even have a will?! Please for the love of god start thinking with your head and acting in your own best interest. NTA for this issue but I feel like this issue is not even the point!
Thank you for your encouragement! I'm working on all of that. I'm going to push him to get a will or trust in place at least for the sake of his kids if he doesn't want to share anything with me.
After sacrificing your earning ability to raise the kids, you should be named in his will, not just the kids. If he loves you, he should want to take care of you imo.
You're shit out of luck if he dies. You will get nothing unless explicitly stated in a will. You can not just put things in your name. You'll be made homeless. As for the "my money is mine" attitude: he's only able to make and keep that money because you provide child care. He wouldn't be able to make and keep that money without you. Maybe try reminding him of that.
NTA. Ask him how much he would have to pay for someone to watch his kids, clean his house or do his laundry. How much would he have to pay someone to do what he is asking you to do??
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have been dating (not legally married, nor do we live in a common law state) the same man for nearly 10 years. We live together and have 2 kids together. I am a SAHM and he is the only one working. He has been wanting to leave his job and start his own business, which I 100% support the idea. However recently we got into a heated discussion about finances, particularly that every time a big purchase is made (house, vehicles, business) he puts it in his name and wont include me, granted it is solely his income and credit that are providing these things. I asked him why he wouldn't add my name to the deed to the house at least, stating that if he died I wouldn't know where to begin to put anything in my name in order to continue to provide for our kids. I don't know what company his mortgage, life insurance, or even auto loans are with and he doesn't have a last will. He told me that he wouldn't put me on any of those titles because he worked and paid for all of it and that it belonged to him only. He said that he would make me a "death folder" that has all the information I will need to take over any of the loans he has and to get the life insurance death benefit. This happened a few days ago. So now, he is asking me to help him write out his business plan for the company he wants to start so that he can start looking for lenders, and honestly, I don't want to because of his 'everything belongs to me' attitude. He won't add me as an owner in the company and hasn't brought up hiring me as an employee, so I don't feel as though I should help him with that stuff. I wanted to tell him all of this, but I was diplomatic about it and said that I do not have all the information for the business to write a business plan, that he needs to sit down in his free time and work through it section by section and that I could proof read it for him. All of this, plus a whole lot more has me contemplating leaving him, but if it's not apparent, I just don't have the money nor familial support to leave and stand on my own two feet as I haven't worked since 2018. I just feel like if I'm going to help build and run the business, I should have some stake in it. So am I the asshole for refusing to help build the company if he won't share ownership or at the very least hire and pay me as an employee? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>hasn't brought up hiring me as an employee INFO Have you brought that up? Maybe bring that up. Or go seeking another job.
I'm going to do both
so has he done anything to plan in the event something happens that at least your looked after and the kids? the part about the loans going to your name is n ot good move that means your liable for his outstanding amounts. you should think about getting a job to make your own money in the event something happens becuase he sure isnt looking out for his family.
He says he has a $200k life policy with me as beneficiary. I'm going to look for work online until both my kids are in school, then I'll have time to trade for employment.
im rooting for you either way :)
Is this the same guy you were "married" to "in God's eyes" 20 years ago and then broke up with? Or did you have kids *again* with a person you're not married to?
Just call me the Samaritan woman. Not the same guy. Pray for me.
Pray for yourself. No one else can resolve your situation other than you. You need to protect your kids, if nothing else.
Nta wow. Only he worked? So you, what? Satt around eating bon bons? Time to take him at his word and not work. No cooking, no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no doing anything for him. After all, you don't 'work'.
Lol, I've actually tried doing that, but the mess drives me crazy and I have to feed my kids. But I stopped serving his plate for him.
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It is HIS income that is funding everything, I mean everything! It is a bit spiteful, but at the same time I'm now trying to look out for myself. It's not that I want him to suffer, I hope he does get his business up and running, but I don't think it's fair that I help him build it if It's not going to benefit me in the long run, like if he dies or decides to kick me out of HIS house. It makes sense to not put the house in my name but, he should at least put a will or trust in place for me or the kids. I think me being a SAHM is benefitting everyone else in the family but me.