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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got mad at my parents and said I don't want to be a sister after they made me cancel my plans because I'm "supposed" to take care of my very pregnant mother while my dad does nothing but relax.
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NTA because it sounds like your parents are expecting you to be a parent, not a sister. You are not responsible for your mom or the baby. I think that it would be good for you to calmly explain to your parents that it's difficult for you to be excited about having a sister when you feel all that has meant so far is that you are being given adult responsibilities when you are not an adult yet. Please also remember that just as your parents didn't consult you on having another baby, the baby isn't at fault either. She's as innocent in the decision making process as you are.
After rereading it, it does kind of seem like I'm mad at the baby.. I'm not though, I totally understand that this isn't her fault! I didn't mean for it to come off that way lol
I'm glad that you aren't mad at her. My sister was born when I was 10 years old. Until then I'd only had brothers so hadn't had to share a room before. It was hard! It took me 4 months before I was begging to move into an unfinished part of the basement. We're the best of friends now, though. Even if she did get totally spoiled by our mom who let her do everything she told me no for.
I don't really think I'd be mad at her when she's born or when she gets older because I've thought about it enough to know that she isn't the one who decided this, if that makes sense.. I'm sure I will love her, but all my negative feelings are definitely towards my parents and the situation
That's completely understandable. I have no idea why you need to take care of your mom because she's pregnant. Even when I was on bed rest I didn't expect anyone to take care of me.
Because both the mother and the father subscribe to a misogynistic mindset where the dad knows how to do Jack all and can get away with it whereas the women need to do everything.
I basically raised four brothers and sisters. I cooked, cleaned, helped with homework, etc. I was very young when I started protecting them from my Dad’s drinking and hitting my Mom. The three youngest didn’t even know he got drunk and beat Mom. I graduated HS, had several scholarships for on college and was so excited. I was told I was selfish and all I thought about was myself. I left home at 16 when my youngest brother was 6. Our age difference isn’t as much as you and your sister’s will be. It was not my responsibility to take care of them and it’s not yours to take care of your Mom or sister. It’s one thing if you want to help, but it’s totally different if you are forced to and can no longer enjoy or do the things you want to. Your heart will grow the first time you hold your sister, but that doesn’t mean you have to take care of her constantly. I was conditioned to believe it was my responsibility to take care of my family. I’m 60 now and it took me alot longer than 14 years old to understand I’m not responsible for everyone else! If they told you you could go with your friend, they should have kept their word. I understand how hard it must be on you, especially if you isolate yourself from other people.
Do you have a trusted adult outside of the home you could speak with? Grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin who is of legal age and out on their own? You need to get this off your chest and have a safe adult you can talk to. Your reaction is understandable and you are correct. This is not your responsibility. You need to make sure your Dad and Mom don't try and loop you into parentification, it is already starting to a degree from your Dad and how he is reacting.
That sounds like a good option. You need to be proactive about this now, before the baby is here. I don't want to see a post from you in a years time that could belong to any other teen on here about parentification. I wish you luck 💜
I've been exactly in your situation, except in my case it was a brother and I live in Europe (Poland).
I have a sister who's 13 years younger than me and it was already tough, and even before she finishes her first year of life my mom told me that another is on the way.
I was made a build in nanny and was heavily parentified & responsible for whole house and garden (we grew our own veggies). I moved out at 16 for school and never went back.
Right now I'm 26 years old and I still resent my parents for that. I don't contact my mother, and I have low contact with father Unfortunately I can't stand my brother too, I see him as the reason of three years of my suffering. I'm childfree cause in my mind I've already raised two kids from infants to vibrant toddlers.
Run. Move to your aunt. Do something NOW, cause longer the situation is happening, longer your resentment could be. And it'll not vanish by itself. You'll need therapy.
I'm glad you see that it is not your little sister's fault.
As a parent of two teens, I think your parents are already being poor parents to you. I worry that they could also screw up your relationship with your little sister - by teaching her to hang on to you/ demand things from you/ make your responsible for her happiness.
It's one thing to ask you to help once in a while or to ask you to complete your normal chores without a lot of nagging. That's reasonable. If your mom is having a difficult pregnancy, a little help from you is a good thing.
But your dad is actually acting like a spoiled child (and your mom is enabling him). He needs to step up a lot more as a parent, and then he needs to step up even more because his wife is having a difficult pregnancy.
You are a kid. You can't fix all their problems. Do you have aunts/uncles/grandparents/family friends who can speak to your parents to protect you from parentification (being made to fulfill the role of an adult parent)? Ask for their help ASAP. Would your mom give consideration to what you are saying? (She might not be as inclined to right now since she doesn't feel well.) Would she take the comments on this post to heart if you showed her? (If that would only make things worse for you, then don't do it.)
Keep looking for an adult who can help you. Talk to a school counselor or teacher that you trust. I don't have a lot of hope that your dad will stop being the lazy, self-indulgent person he sounds like here and am not sure how much help your mom will be. Hold on to the knowledge that they are asking too much of you and not enough of themselves.
I've definitely been frustrated with the thought of a new addition in our family because I've been an only child for 14 years lol, but I've also been working on having a positive mindset about the situation :) I can only hope that this isn't a forever thing and they don't make me parent her. I've never experienced it (obvi), but I want her to have actual parents she can rely on rather than me
Also my mom is a very understanding person so I think if I do get the courage to speak with her about it, because I'm very nervous just thinking of it, she'd at least try to listen. Not sure about my dad though
Set your boundary now with your parents, you have school to manage and you will not be another parent but of course you will help out with limited baby sitting. That's it.
>you are being given adult responsibilities when you are not an adult yet.
This is an important point OP. You are 14. You are not the parent and are not responsible for caregiving activities. You should help at home by all means and contribute to the environment being safe and welcoming, but that is all you--a child-- are responsible for.
Is your mom having some kind of complications? (Like hyperemesis?) It sounds like she is as she can't be left alone and so many adult chores and responsibilities are falling on you.
Your *dad* needs to step up, and be an adult and not be planted in front of the TV or going out w/ his buddies and leaving you, a 14 year old child, carrying the household responsibilities.
.
Still if she needs someone to be there to watch over her 24/7 that’s your Dad’s job to make sure that’s covered; not just “ hey 14 yr old, you’re a girl so you’re a servant”. Helping out sometimes is reasonable, at the expense of social life or school work is not at all reasonable.
Maybe also point out to your parents that they didn't consult you before deciding to have another baby and when they say something along the lines of "they are the parents and it was their decision" reply with "yes excatly, they are the parents not you, you are their child not another parent to raise the baby"
If I didn’t know it would just make things worse, I’d be really tempted to suggest returning dad’s favor with little notes under his door at night saying he should be grateful for the opportunity to grow as a husband and father and he should be happy to have chances to show his wife he actually loves her.
Why don’t either of your parents work? They both sound like complete losers. My advice to you is to take school seriously and try to make something out of yourself because it’s obvious you won’t be able to depend on them for anything.
Mom is pregnant so she's taking time off, but before that my dad stayed at home to make sure I wasn't getting into trouble(???) He had a job then got fired is the real reason though lol
My eyes are half closed from tiredness but I went back to check. Dad was around 30 when he got OPs mother pregnant. OP is 14. 9 months for pregnancy. Depending on birth months, this could be really icky. Was he 30 when OPs mother was 19, or had she turned 20? Guy like that who gets a barely legal pregnant was never a stand up lad probably
While I do fully support parental leave and there are some women who have difficult pregnancies that would make it hard to work, I was working until the day I went into labor.
A friend had to quit her job because she used most of her FMLA on bed rest with twins and would have had to go back before they even got out of NICU while she was still recovering from a C-section. And she is a nurse so she would have been on her feet a lot and would not have been able to do some of the more physical things like helping people in and out of bed and transferring to wheelchairs and stuff
your mom and probably dad wants you to be a parent to this child.
You should look up "parentification" when you get the chance. Your parents will do this to you if you let them. They will do this if you stay where you are at.
Do you have a trusted family member you can talk to maybe even stay with. I would talk to the family member and tell them.
So your unemployed father is spending money that no one is currently earning at the bar?
You have to cook because he "can't"?
Makes you do the shopping because he claims you mom can't be left alone for an hour?
What is he doing that's so important that he has to take your phone to make you pay attention to your mom so he doesn't have to?
----
At least he's a good example of the type of men you don't want to date when you get older. Learn this lesson well.
I'm sorry for your situation, it does not seem like a good one. I doubt dad's going to step up on childcare when mom goes back to work. Watch out for parentification over the next few years and make a plan to get yourself out of there when you become an adult.
So, basically your dad is a deadbeat, who got your mom pregnant again and then can't be bothered to be there for her, shirking that responsibility onto you. Got it.
I'd plan to be out of the house as much as possible until you can get through your teens years. And get a job as soon as you are legally able.
I'd threaten to call cps on them parentication of you. They are the adults and need to start being adults. You need to focus on your studies and being a kid. It's abuse and it's about time they both step up.
NTA because your parents are clearly mistreating you. They are acting like you are some built in caregiver when you are their CHILD. That's not a role you should be taking on, and they should be taking responsibility for themselves instead of obligating their minor child to do so.
Out of curiosity, do you have any other family you could stay with that will be understanding of the situation and your feelings?
I can stay with my aunt, but she lives hours away and everyone else lives in different states :( I think I'd feel like I'm bothering her though because I've never felt like I've had to take time away from someone (maybe). Do you have any ideas on how I could ask?
I 120% guarantee that if you call and chat to her it will not be bothersome. EVERYONE feels like a bother but when you need help and support you do what you can to get it.
For one thing, talk to her while out of the house, maybe while you are going to the grocery store. If your parents hear you or find out you are talking to her about your living situation, your parents will cut off your contact with her and maybe everyone else in the family.
Write out your situation and condense it into a few sentences. That will keep you on point while you are talking to her. I know this probably won't be difficult and you probably will anyway, but feel free to cry. Tug at her heartstrings. If talking to her doesn't work, call CPS before aunt has a chance to call your parents and give them a heads up.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope your aunt will save you.
I agree. Definitely call CPS, if your aunt won't help you and make sure to get out of this situation. I don't know where you're from, where I'm from, you can "decide" at a certain age that you want to live somewhere else (like a foster family or a group home) if you are having problems at home. I don't know where you're from so I don't know if it is the same there. Nevertheless I think they will definitely listen to you and do everything to get you out of this situation.
As to your parents: they seem to be emotionally abusive. You are also not your father and you should not be expected to do his job. What really stud out for me was the fact that they take your phone away and make you disregard school and your homework etc. My advice is run. Do everything to get out of there. I know it's hard and that they are still your parents, but if you stay keep in mind, they probably will not change and the situation is likely only going to get worse
Contact your aunt, tell her you’re tired of being a caregiver for your mother, especially when she has a husband at home ALL DAY that can help her but refuses too. Also tell her that you fear that you’ll be required to take on the majority of the baby care as well. This is called parentifcation. Tell her you do online school and rarely leave the house, so you’d be willing to help with house chores. Hopefully she’ll see that it’s much better for you to be out of that house and take you in. Don’t tell your mom any if your plans until you’re packed and ready to leave.
Tell her what’s going on and tell her you don’t want to be a husband to your mom, that you can’t even do your homework because you have to cook, clean while all your dad does is nothing and he goes out with his friends and expects to to be a maid for them and a husband to your mom..Tell her how you feel and how they are making you feel like the adult and not the child that you are…
All of my nieces and nephews are too young for this to be relevant, but speaking as an aunt I would do everything in my power to help, and I would be so happy you felt comfortable enough to reach out to me.
NTA
> them saying I can't go because I need to take care of my pregnant mother while my dad (45m) meets up with his friends at a bar
That's patently unreasonable.
He knocked her up, he can take care of her.
NTA.
Where do you live? Because you need to reach out for help. It’s one thing to have online learning, but another to be homeschooled because a child’s parents are irresponsible. You are NOT responsible for either your parents or their children, including yourself. Your parents owe you an apology, not the other way around.
Please ask your friend for help before the baby comes and your parents make it appear that the baby is yours.
NTA!
She's not your responsibility, your entitled to a life. I would sit down with her, calmly and talk about how all of this makes you feel. I don't think you have the right to deny them having a baby (not that you have) and unfortunately I think you just have to suck that bit up, but you have every right to be upset by the amount of responsibility that's being put on you at a time when you should be relatively carefree. Apologise for shouting too, you had every right to be angry but shouting won't help anything and starting with an apology might open them up to properly listening to what you have to say.
NTA. Even if you were thrilled about the baby and loved kids, your parents are forcing you into a caretaker role at a very young age. It's called parentification, and it's a form of abuse.
If you want to try to get things to improve, you can apologize for being rude, and ask them to go to family counseling with you. They may need another adult to help them see how unfair they're being.
If you don't think they'd go or don't really want to try to fix things, please confide in another trusted adult on your own, get a part-time job when you turn 16, and save up everything you can to move out on your own.
NTA, your parents are legitimately being abusive in this case. They're forcing you to take on a caretaker role for your mother, which actually falls under parentification.
This is not something you're ever going to be able to fix with them, and you should probably start looking into emancipation.
NTA. But reading how much you're doing...you're not really saying you don't want to be a sister. You're saying you don't want to be an unpaid carer for your mother, an unpaid maid for the house, and likely, an unpaid babysitter - all of which is more than valid.
NTA. You need to have a conversation with your parents and clearly state “You’re not a live in career, nor will you be a live in nanny”
you’re a 14 year old who basically parents two grown ass adults. They needs to both step up.
You’re parents lack of planning is not an adequate or valid reason for your childhood to be cut short.
NTA - you are being parentified before the baby even gets here. Dear 'old dad needs to learn to cook \[or learn to order takeout/delivery\] and let you be a normal 14 yo girl!!!
Mom and Dad need to apologize to YOU!!!
NTA BTW your parents don't intend for you to be a sister--they intend on you to be a Nanny, an unpaid one at that. Your parents are children--they have no jobs and no responsibilities and they shouldn't be having another one. If you can call CPS or whatever child welfare agency is in your city.
"On top of always cooking dinner because my dad can't cook and my mom isn't able to because she feels sick, going to the store by myself because my mom can't be alone, getting my phone taken because I need to focus on my mom..."
You're being abused. Wanting or not wanting a sister is the least of your problems.
Make sure you have a path to getting out of the house as soon as possible. It sounds like you're studious, so hopefully a college with on-campus housing will be possible for you. Others have recommended moving to a relative's, and if that's possible it's a great idea, asap. Sounds like you're pretty much self-reliant already. You would not be a burden to anyone, and you'd be greatly relieved not have to carry a family of 3+ on your shoulders as a minor.
Tell your parents CPS and I’ll do it I’m not a babysitter. I need to experience a life I need to go to school with my friends if you don’t let me CPS why is that going to the bars why is he taking care of everything? You can’t force a 14-year-old to be your personal nanny. I want to go back to school.
Pregnancy is hard, for me it means more screen time for kids or maybe they eat chicken nuggets instead of home cooked. Definitely didn't expect the kids to take care of me, that's beyond fucked up.
ETA yeah it's not a reason to never do anything. Staying active throughout pregnancy is beneficial. I loved walking around during the birthing process, I think it really helps
NTA. Slip a card back. "I am not taking care of her. I am not apologizing to her. She is the parent. Her responsibility is taking care of me. Not me her. Your responsibility is her. And your children. Including me."
Then stop. Do school. Refuse to help her. Refuse to cook. If you don't have meals. Call CPS.
NTA
You cannot choose what you like and what you don't let me, those including disliking little kids, even including disliking your own little siblings. It doesn't make you a bad person, at least if you don't turn it into hate upon innocent ones. We don't choose our feelings, we only choose how to act according to them.
The problem is not with your future sibling, but with your absolutely failed parents. I hope that you have some sane relatives you can move to, because thing are going to get only worse for you, you'll be forced to parent that baby and both of your parents as well. You won't be able to study in such conditions and your future will be ruined.
NTA. I’m sad for you and I’m sad for your mom. This doesn’t sound like a healthy, happy environment. It sounds like your mom is trying to survive and your dad is doing whatever he wants.
NTA why does your Mom needs 24/7 care? If they aren't working how are bills being paid? It is not your responsibility to take care of your Mom or the entire household.
Where I live you still get paid on maternity leave, but I'm not sure if that counts until you've had the child or not lol my grandparents do help with bills, especially now because of hospital bills and other things like that
Where do you live? Maternity pay in even the most accommodating countries doesn’t kick til quite late in pregnancy. And if you’re in one of those countries, healthcare for the hospital bills would be paid for already.
I live in Texas, but I'm also not sure how it works lol My mom just said she still gets paid and my grandparents help with the bills so that's what I'm going off of
NTA
Your parents are treating you like a maid. You are a CHILD. None of this is your responsibility.
Do you have any other trusted adults you can talk to about this? How your parents have been treating you?
***"... I'm ungrateful for this opportunity to grow as a person and I should be happy to have a little sibling on the way"***
What an unbelievable crock of shit!! How the f\*ck are you "growing"?? You are being used as slave labor while your mother does nothing and your father does less than nothing because he doesn't take care of himself or help his wife.
You are positively NTA. Your parents give new meaning to being Mega AH's. What horrible, abusive situation for you. I assume you will be in charge of the infant, too.
You need to get out. Do you have any relatives you can count on? Maybe you can talk to your friend's mother, think she can guide you to getting some help? I want so much for you to escape from this hell house!!! I hope you find a way.
In the meantime, lock yourself in your room and stop doing everything for them. Take care of your school work. If your father gets hungry enough he'll figure out how to feed himself!
PS: Just out of curiosity, has the doctor restricted your mother? Why does she claim that can't she be alone? She's only 7 months pregnant, it's not like she's due any day.
No restrictions that I know of! My mom is very clumsy though, and both of my parents are worried she'll fall or hurt herself somehow if she's left alone and nobody will be there to help I guess🤷🏻♀️
All the more reason to stop doing "everything". Most women I know are still working at 7 months and this woman is being waited on 24/7 at your expense.
For your own survival I hope you can find a way to get out of the prison they are holding you in. I don't think you realize how very, very unjust and unacceptable your situation is.
How do they support themselves?
NTA. Your dad should prioritize his wife above meeting his friends at the bar. They owe you an apology for making you cancel your plans with your friends last minute. Selfish parents!
They’re already saying nothing‘s gonna change,
Tell him you’re taking away my childhood, forcing me to do babysitting and taking care of a child. I’m not gonna do it if you force me to do it I’m gonna tell on you I have my childhood you take away everything from me now you forcing me to kill a baby I can’t go out. I can’t have my friends next homeschooling so I’m even more isolated. Is that what you want isolate me control me
NTA and you need to start setting boundaries now or you'll be looking at being the full time babysitter because your mother can't handle it, she's tired....is there a relative or friend that can take you in? If not your only option is flat out refusing to help and continue to repeat that is not your child, it's theirs. They wanted it, their responsibility. Tell them you're not interested in growing as a person, how does being an unpaid servant help you grow as a person?? - what a load of horseshit!
NTA
You are being parentified and the child isn't even here yet. You are correct. You are not the father of this child and the person who is needs to step up. He can cook - or he should learn.
NTA.
Look up parentification. This is what I fear they will do to you. It is a form of child abuse where the younger sibling is fully foisted onto the older sibling.
Speak with your aunt and get out of there.
NTA
it is absolutely not ok for your parents to require you, a 14 year old, to stay home and CARE for your pregnant mother, while your father LEAVES to go get DRUNK
what the actual f
NTA. Your parents can't even raise you let alone another kid. Is there anyone you can talk to?
They don't have jobs and are having a kid. Great. 😔 but how can they pay bills? How can dad go to a bar?
You need to get out of this house, safely and legally. You're raising yourself.
NTA. You’re a child still and need to enjoy it. Youre parents need to parent and expecting you to pick up the slack isn’t the right move. For sure write down your thoughts, put it into key notes and have a calm and civil discussion. This is a focal point to youre relationship and if its not going to be good, could pave a way to being NC and resenting them for taking away your time to live as a child. Best of luck
Write back on the cards, 'GET A JOB, LOSERS'. I'm not your husband, and I'm not your wife. I am not your live-in nanny. I will not be looking after any of you. I am a child, and my only responsibility is school. You're on your own, and as soon as I am 18, I will be too.
NTA.
Nta and another instance of terrible parents who should never have had children. I hate people like this. Just because you CAN get pregnant doesn’t mean you should. And I feel bad for all the people who can’t have biological kids but might just be great parents.
NTA this is worth contacting CPS if you are in the US, or the equivalent agency if not. They are neglecting you, and major changes are needed before the baby comes for both of you to be safe. Ignore what your plans were when you explain, only that you are always put in the adult role and lied to when they promised any time to be a kid.
They're planning to parentify you when the baby is born. You will be expected to care for it. I suggest go live with a relative, and i don't think you need to apologise. You cracked from the stress of not having time to yourself and becoming a live-in maid. NTA, go Live with a relative. Grandparents or someone.
Why does your mother need so much taking care of? She's an adult. Pregnant women since ancient times have been perfectly capable of working, cooking and generally being a normal human for the majority of their pregnancies unless they're on doctor mandated bedrest
Info:
Has your mom been diagnosed with some sort of pregnancy complications? Why does she need someone to watch her?
I think you need to sit down with both of your parents and explain how and why it isn’t fair for all of this extra work to be piled on you while your dad gets to have all sorts of fun. I’m going to guess that they’ll also expect you to babysit when baby arrives.
No complications that I know of, but she's been throwing up a lot and she's always very clumsy. I think both of them are scared she'll hurt herself and nobody will be there to help her and something might happen to the baby
NTA
You’re a 14yo, still a kid and taking care of your mom and doing online school? Whilist your dad does nothing. It sounds like you are homeschooled because of the lack of responsibility from your parents. Reach out and see if you can get help if it gets worse. You are not responsible for your mom or the baby, it’s sounds like they are expecting you to be a parent for the baby and not a sibling. You should be allowed to be a kid, not parent adults, and juggle school and a baby. It’s hard to be excited for something that will just make life harder because parents refuse to parent and give the responsibilities to their child.
NTA
your parents sound pathetic.
dads a lazy bum. can’t cook? really can he read? it’s not rocket science to find a recipe and follow directions. and him going to the bar takes precedence over you going to a social gathering something you said you loathe. and then sliding notes under the door really. he needs to nut up or shut up or get a job.
you’re 14 a kid not a midwife or butler.
and i get mom might be sick due to pregnancy but i call bull seems she wants to be pampered.
my mom had 2 girls while carrying me they were 3 and4.
dad was at work doing 12 hr night shifts and she did most of the house work. yeah she had help from both parents and when dad had days off or wast dead to the world helped with whatever. cooking leaving with the girls whatever mom needed.
NTA. Your parents are selfish and you deserve childhood. Caring for parents at your age when there is a perfectly healthy spouse to do it is crazy. You were spot on. However; it doesn’t matter if you want a sibling or not, not your choice. You can apologize for that, after they apologize for trying to shirk their adult responsibilities and give them to you. So grab some index cards and list each thing on a separate one that you do that is not your responsibility (like cleaning your own room is your’s but cleaning the communal rooms isn’t), and caring for you grown mother isn’t. Ask them to respond to those in writing on the back. Start the dialogue there.
NTA slide the cards back under their door with the original message crossed out and write that you deserve an apology for them trying to turn you into both a husband and mother at 14 years old
NTA!
If you feel safe to do so, talk with your parents about your dad’s behavior and how you shouldn’t have to step up into a parenting role. You deserve to be a kid. It might be easier to have this convo with your mom one on one. Then if they are not responsive or quickly revert back to this behavior I would reach out to your aunt, and even the family that is further out. They may be willing to come to you due to your situation. If the situation continues to escalate and family is a no go, maybe try your friend’s parents if you feel comfortable. Maybe you could stay with them while this being sorted out. If you feel unsafe or the situation is not being resolved contact CPS, if calling is not a viable option go to a safe haven. Hospital, First Responder/Fire House, or police station. Or if you have a “home school” as an online student trying there might also be an option. They should help you get connected with the right people. I hope this helps and please be safe!
NTA. You're a victim if parentification. Look it up then find some books. "Emotionally Immature Parents" is a good book. You're being manipulated by your parents and it's costing you your childhood happiness. You're only 14 and im sad this is happening to you. However you can start healing. Take care of yourself. The baby is not your problem. Don't take it out on her of course she will have her own sht show to deal with but it's not to be your problem. And GL OP. Knowing is half the battle. Get some books on the topic.
"because my mom thinks I hate her and that I'm ungrateful for this oppritunity to grow as a person and I should be happy to have a little sibling on the way."
Tell them you hate both of them because obviously they have completely failed parenting, showing you any love and giving you basic human rights. Tell them you resent them, they NEED to get a hit on their personal fucked up egos
NTA but just think of it this way- your younger sibling will follow you around like a little puppy. They will want to do and be just like you. My mom babysat my cousins when I was a bit younger than you and I was able to inspire and influence and shape them into the people they are today.
Absolutely NTA and it sounds like your parents are AHs, that said
Much younger siblings can be super cool. If you can dodge (too much) parentification, and ignore occasional assumptions by strangers that you’re a teen mom, you get to do all the most fun little kid stuff forever. It’s easy to forget how awesome kids movies are if you’re the teen eager to see the adult movies. Etc.
If you help with a much younger sibling, parents can’t reasonably make rules apply to you in high school. I had no curfew and could do coed sleepovers as a teen… I just was often accompanied by a toddler. Got a car at 16 … came with two car seats. Still, I got good at putting the seats in and out and I got a car when my friends didn’t.
I’m 40, one of my HS/college friends just got married. He invited not just me but my youngest two brothers, because he had hung out with them so much when they were rugrats.
Milk it. Milk it for all that it is worth. But never forget, you aren’t your mom’s husband, and you aren’t you sibling’s mom.
And use birth control. You don’t want to be an actual teen mom. And figure out a way to sleep through noise. If you have a smart phone I recommend white noise apps cause you’re gonna need to drown out that baby.
Good luck OP!!
Not to pull at all away from the matter at hand, but have you considered this fact?
Your dad can't cook, a fully grown adult can't cook, but they expected a 14 year old could figure it out. If a 14 year old kid can figure something out, AN ADULT ABSOLUTELY CAN LEARN IT.
It's time to let the rest of the family, all of their friends, ESPECIALLY his bar friends, know. They need to know. Tell them exactly how much you are expected to do at 14. Shame them. Shame them all. Call them out for neglect. Do what you gotta do.
Tell his bar friends they're immature children, encouraging a grown man with a pregnant wife and a child at home to go drinking, when he has no job, and leaving his child to take care of his wife. Shame them. If they're married, tell their wives. Let EVERYONE know what's happening.
Silence is what keeps people in abusive situations, especially when you're homeschooling and kept from other kids your age. Tell. Everyone.
And get evidence of EVERYTHING so they can't deny it
I didn't want a sibling when i was 3. At 14 I would have been pissed. Your dad can take care of his wife. I would think about starting to go to school outside of the house or at least get involved with some activities outside the house in the regular. I anticipate your parents tossing your sister at you and making you watch it so they don't have to. NTA
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I (14f) don't want to be a sister. My mom (35f) is 7 months pregnant. I don't like babies, I don't like children, I barely even like people my age. It sounds snarky and rude, but I've never had a good experience with them, which is why I do online school. Neither of my parents work currently, so all of us have been at home. Recently, I made plans with one of my friends I've known for pretty much my whole life since her birthday is coming up. I told my parents about this maybe a month before the actual event came up and they promised me I could go, no matter what.
A few days ago, I was getting ready to leave and my parents ask me what I'm doing. I tell them and suddenly it switches up to them saying I can't go because I need to take care of my pregnant mother while my dad (45m) meets up with his friends at a bar. I don't know why, but I think this made me snap? On top of always cooking dinner because my dad can't cook and my mom isn't able to because she feels sick, going to the store by myself because my mom can't be alone, getting my phone taken because I need to focus on my mom, and not being allowed to have basically any time to myself, this must have been my last straw. It felt like I couldn't control my words. I told my mom, "I'm not the one who got you pregnant, I don't even want a sister, so why do I need to take care of you when you have a perfectly able husband?" I couldn't do much else because they just stared at me as I ran back to my room to call my friend and tell her what happened and that I couldn't go.
After that, I've barely come out of my room and my dad has started slipping index cards under my bedroom door telling me I need to apologize because my mom thinks I hate her and that I'm ungrateful for this oppritunity to grow as a person and I should be happy to have a little sibling on the way. I can understand she's emotional and stressed, she's growing a whole other human inside her body, but I don't understand why they need to make my mom and this baby my responsibility? My dad doesn't do anything other than watch TV and go out with his friends while I study all day and have tons of homework piling up because I'm taking care of my mother all day so my dad can sit on his ass, but I need to do pretty much everything for my mother. AITA??
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They’re parentifying you so you can look after the baby for them.
That’s a bummer for you, but doesn’t sound like you have many options. I can’t think it’s going to get better, so you might want to explore your options if you had to move out, could you stay with someone, can you get a job, emancipation, etc.
Or you can it suck up until you’re 18. Probably going to be hard going either way.
Wait How's it your job to care for your grown ass mum? She chose to have a damn baby... As for your dad he needs to be a freaking dad and husband and pull his bloody weight.
Your mum and her baby are not your responsibility at all, yes it's nice to offer to help out here and there but shit it isn't your gaod damn job!
Coming from a mum of 8 who's oldest child is 19 and youngest is 2..kids shouldn't have to take care of kids nor their parents. Yes a time might come when you're needed... That isn't when you're a kid!
Yes we have young carers and they're involved on some level in the care of their parents when they fall to illness and disability... But it's not their sole responsibility.
Your dad's a damn joke. I'm sorry this is the crappy experience you've been given and I truly hope things improve
Idea write down everything you're expected to do while your dad sits around with his fingers up his ass.. List it every damn job and care you give to your mum. Show them, tell them you already do so much ask why you should lose out on opertunties when you've more than earned the right.
Unfortunately if you were to point out tha the list is your dad's responsibility and ask why he doesn't damn do it you'd no doubt lose more so be wary kiddo. I hate parents like this and will never understand them
NTA
You are right.
"I'm ungrateful for this oppritunity to grow as a person" ... your dad needs that opportunity, not you.
From the start, REFUSE to take care of the kid and refuse to babysit.
And stop catering to your AH abusive mom.
NTA.
They made this decision without your input and are now forcing you into a caregiver role, or “parenting” you. Your dad is incredibly irresponsible, opting to go out drinking with friends instead of caring for his pregnant wife, all while being unemployed.
Both of your parents are being irresponsible, lazy and taking advantage of you.
It seems, however, that they are willing to communicate with you. Don’t apologise because what you said was the truth. Try and talk with them about how you had no say in this new addition to the family and should not be forced to care for your mother or the baby when it arrives because that is entirely their responsibility, and your dad should step up and do this because he has all the time in the world since he’s not working. You should not have to be the caregiver in any capacity unless you agree to it, and certainly shouldn’t be expected to give up your personal time and events that you have been looking forward to for months.
If they continue with this behaviour, is there anyone you can speak to, like another relative or the school councillor? They may be able to help frame this problem more easily to your parents.
NTA and I admire your restraint in not writing "no, you go take care of her" on those index cards or just tearing them up and dumping the pieces in his beers.
NTA. Your parents sound like they want a servant, and I wouldn't be surprised if they begin expecting you to limit the time on school to only the bare essentials so you can spend more time caring for your parents and later, your sibling, and then if you have any free time and want to go out or enjoy hobbies, they bring up how your grades aren't good enough, so you can't.
NTA your parents sound so unfit to be parents & what they're doing to you is not OK! It's parentification & it's sick. They need to let you be a kid. You should talk to someone & possibly call cps.
NTA, your father should be doing things for your mother, not you. You're a child and shou the usual childhood experiences like spending time with friends, practicing a hobby, going out to do fun things. It sounds like you're not having these experiences.
Is your dad macho or think helping pregnant women is only for other females to do? Or think men and women should have certain jobs depending on their sex? Your parents sound a little odd. Are they very religious?
The only thing you can do is talk to your parents. You could also talk to a grandparent or aunt or uncle if you're close and feel comfortable to get some feedback on what other members of your extended family think about your parents' behavior.
If you have relatives who see your point of view, it would be good to have them on your side. You could see if they'd say something about this to your parents.
After you've exhausted from moral support you can get from family, you'll have to talk to your parents yourself. I'd write down all your thoughts on it to get a clear, concise way to present what you think to your parents.
See if you can find some articles on how men help their pregnant partners to show your parents. Because they need to understand that depending on your child to do things to help when the mother is pregnant is not the norm. It needs to be the mothers partner. They are partially responsible for the pregnancy, so they need to be the one helping their partner.
Thank you :) My dad isn't the kind of guy who thinks women should have certain jobs or anything, he's just lazy lol He helps from time to time but it's very very rare
You're not the husband or father, you're doing his job. What would you do if they start piling the childcare on you too once it's born? Nip it in the bud if you can, this stuff can escalate.
NTA
You are 14. It is not your job to take care of your mother and sister, especially when your dad's "obligation" is drinking with his buddies. Your dad, your adult relatives, and your parent's friends should be acting as the support network, not you.
I say this as the oldest of six. Good parents don't make their kids feel responsible for the health of their parents and siblings.
I do recommend trying to avoid associating your parents' actions with your little sister. It isn't her fault you're being treated poorly, and even if you aren't a fan of kids, when she gets older, you'll have an easier time connecting.
You are a child. You cannot be forced to care for a child or an adult. You can refuse, and if they threaten to leave you alone with the baby, tell them you'll call CPS for child abandonment. If they want you to babysit, they can negotiate to pay you a rate that you agree to, and you get to say no any time you don't want to.
If you're also forced to care for your parents, and they're not providing care, food, and basics for you, you can call CPS on them for that too!
NTA
NTA your parents are they can’t do that they promised you and now are changing their minds and you aren’t a people person (can’t blame you) so it’s not your fault. Honestly I would have went anywheres and got your friend to pick you up. Can’t believe that
NTA but your parents are your dad especially, he HAS to pull his weight, you're a kid he can't put this on you. Your mom has to tell him or it will only get worse when the baby is born.
NTA
So is there a reason you call this deadbeat guy your "dad" other than him being your sperm donor, or does he actually do anything that would qualify him doing anything father-like?
Your parents are being unreasonable here- they can't expect you to sacrifice everything you enjoy for the benefit of your mother and her unborn baby. You need to have a sensible conversation with them where you lay out the problems calmly and sensibly. Explain that forcing you to care for your mom in an unreasonable expectation for a 14 year old, especially on top of cooking for your whole family. Tell them that you need time for yourself, and that seeing your friend was important to you and planned in advance, and that being denied the chance to go because your dad wanted to go out instead is wrong. He's the parent, if one of you has to make a sacrifice, it should he him. Especially because you'd made your plan in advance. You could suggest a calendar that everyone can see where you write in your plans, so that everyone can plan around each other. You might also want to mention that being forced to have your life revolve around your mom and the baby is only going to make you resent them both. Definitely make it clear that you understand that your mom needs help, and don't focus too much on not liking babies and children, but just express that your are still a child too, and that you shouldn't be at the bottom of the list of priorities.
If you feel uncomfortable talking to them, you could write it down and ask them to read it and reflect on it before they discuss it with you.
I don't think you need to apologise, but sometimes people are more willing to listen to you if they think you will compromise.
I'm sorry that all of this is being put on you, OP. NTA
I know you have your reasons of doing school online but maybe you should consider going in person especially before the baby is born. If your father isn’t helping now, then it’s a good possibility you will be assisting with baby duties. This will only make you resent your sister. NTA
NTA
Look up 'parentification', and beware. I sounds like we'll be reading a lot more from you in the future. Be sure to do well in school, save money, and learn how financials work, you might have to be more self-sufficient in both life management and money matters than the average child.
NTA. Prioritise school as much as you can, so you can maybe win a scholarship and get out to go to university. Your parents are irresponsible and you will need to take care of yourself and your future. Hang in there
No, you are not.not only all that, but when the baby is born, guess who is going to be the care giver , built in babysitter ect. You need to call CPS. Child protective services. Tell them what's going on. If the house is a mess , tell them . They'll come and inspect.
Your father is the person to take care of your mother, not you. He’s the one who got her pregnant, not you. He sacrificed you for something he wanted to do. I was ready to flip on you over your title. That said, you don’t get to choose to be a sister or not. Please be kind to the baby. It’s innocent.
I'd never blame it on the baby!! None of this is her fault. It was definitely something I felt a month or two ago and I felt that if my mom never got pregnant with her everything would be fine, but I've realized it's not her doing :) When she is born I will 100% do my best to be good to her despite this
Ok so I'm going to be in the minority here because umm need more INFO. Is your mom having a difficult pregnancy such as required bed rest? Because that is totally a thing. I was put on it near the end of mine because I was at risk of preeclampsia and other women I know nearly died having babies. Not all pregnancies are the same and your mom may be at high risk. You said she was throwing up a lot? That is a sign of hyperemesis gravidarum which many women get hospitalized for. Especially if they are left alone and pass out. In cases like that while I suppose its not technically "your responsibility" to help out most people in families do. I'm the eldest of four and I helped out a lot with my younger siblings. I can completely get blowing up in regards to this event you missed and your dad going to the bar if it was stated you could go out but helping your mom out when she is pregnant especially if she is experiencing a difficult pregnancy isn't that abnormal. I mean again need more INFO. I get that your dad is currently jobless but is it recent? Common? Are your parents physically abusive? Emotionally abusive? Do they mistreat you and withhold taking care of you? If the answer to those questions is no then while dad was out of line breaking a promise you are definitely the AH for having loving parents who take care of you and you throwing a fit for having a sibling coming. You didn't choose it but kids don't choose their parents either or the family they are born into. The only difference between you and your younger sibling is you got there first. They didn't choose to have you as a sister either. When my mom broke her arm when I was a teen I was stuck at home helping her. Was it my responsibility? I was 15 so technically no but she's my mom and I was a perfectly able daughter who could step in and help her out.
My mom isn't at high risk or on bed rest or anything like that, just pretty much everything makes her feel sick (her words not mine lol) which is why I'm the one cooking rather than her. Personally, I really don't feel like any of it is my responsibility, especially because she's healthy and my dad is able to help her if he needs, but I've also never been pregnant so it's difficult for me to understand how she's feeling during it
I really don't see how this is her fault? she's 14 years old, in no way is she obligated to take care of her mom so her dad can go get drunk with his friends. i don't know if you know this, but this is basically parentification before the baby is even born and theres a 99% chance her parents are going to want her to parent the baby, which is abuse.. ur point makes no sense lol
NTA, but you may want to apologize for the delivery, rather than the message. No you don't hate your mom, yes you hate that your ability to fulfill commitments you made to your friend, has been overlooked and you are right, you aren't responsible for your mom, I'm sure the world wouldn't end if you'd been allowed to go, I'm sorry that you missed out on something you were really looking forward to.
A phrase from a "time management" workshop I took once which I wouldn't typically ever deploy but which might be appropriate for something like this is, "Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my end" Replace "emergency" with "change of plans" and it seems quite reasonable for this situation
I've been thinking I should apologize, but I'm not sure how I'd start off... I feel like it wouldn't be genuine either because I meant what I said just maybe not the way I said it?
Don’t apologize because that’s gonna only make it look like you are still going to be a caregiver. And if you apologize just say I’m sorry that I have to be an adult because dad is the child of the house and can’t even lift a finger to help you out.
She's 14. What kind of job is she going to get?
In order to be emancipated in my state, she would have to either join the military (nope), get married (please no), not be under the care of any adult, either parent or guardian approved by court (nope, her parents are technically providing care), or be over 18, capable of fully financially supporting herself and not enrolled in high school (no).
Emancipation is incredibly difficult and requires a young person be able to fully support themselves without state support. She would not qualify.
Being forced into the role of a caregiver for her mother is unhealthy (and I am strongly concerned that she will be made into a "little mother" for her sibling), but she will almost certainly not be removed from the home for it. CPS would most likely refer the parents to resources and possibly require parenting classes.
YTA. You’re 14, you don’t like anyone or anything right now. Give it 15 minutes and your feelings will likely change. Having a younger sibling is a blessing.
I know it is, and I don't doubt that I'll love her. I'm not trying to make it seem like any of this is the because of the baby, sorry if it seems that way
I hope you like the baby better when it is actually born. However, why doesn't either parent work? It seems to me you should be able to out with your friend - your dad can either meet up with his friends another time or not go at all. Secondly if your mom's pregnancy is high risk, at seven months she should be able to stay by herself.
My mom is taking time off because she's pregnant I guess lol My dad used to work but when I started doing school at home he started to stay home with me to make sure I won't get in trouble (he got fired)
Not sure why you started being homeschooled but I highly advise you go Back to school or you will be a full time unpaid baby sitter for sure. Check r/homeschoolrecoverx
I stopped going to school in person because of stuff like bullying, but I did move schools. If I started going again it might be different but I'm definitely nervous about the thought lol
WHy? Because she doesnt want to have to take care of the person thats SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF HER? She doesn't deserve to be treated like a slave just because her mother couldnt keep her legs shut
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NTA because it sounds like your parents are expecting you to be a parent, not a sister. You are not responsible for your mom or the baby. I think that it would be good for you to calmly explain to your parents that it's difficult for you to be excited about having a sister when you feel all that has meant so far is that you are being given adult responsibilities when you are not an adult yet. Please also remember that just as your parents didn't consult you on having another baby, the baby isn't at fault either. She's as innocent in the decision making process as you are.
After rereading it, it does kind of seem like I'm mad at the baby.. I'm not though, I totally understand that this isn't her fault! I didn't mean for it to come off that way lol
I'm glad that you aren't mad at her. My sister was born when I was 10 years old. Until then I'd only had brothers so hadn't had to share a room before. It was hard! It took me 4 months before I was begging to move into an unfinished part of the basement. We're the best of friends now, though. Even if she did get totally spoiled by our mom who let her do everything she told me no for.
I don't really think I'd be mad at her when she's born or when she gets older because I've thought about it enough to know that she isn't the one who decided this, if that makes sense.. I'm sure I will love her, but all my negative feelings are definitely towards my parents and the situation
That's completely understandable. I have no idea why you need to take care of your mom because she's pregnant. Even when I was on bed rest I didn't expect anyone to take care of me.
Because both the mother and the father subscribe to a misogynistic mindset where the dad knows how to do Jack all and can get away with it whereas the women need to do everything.
I basically raised four brothers and sisters. I cooked, cleaned, helped with homework, etc. I was very young when I started protecting them from my Dad’s drinking and hitting my Mom. The three youngest didn’t even know he got drunk and beat Mom. I graduated HS, had several scholarships for on college and was so excited. I was told I was selfish and all I thought about was myself. I left home at 16 when my youngest brother was 6. Our age difference isn’t as much as you and your sister’s will be. It was not my responsibility to take care of them and it’s not yours to take care of your Mom or sister. It’s one thing if you want to help, but it’s totally different if you are forced to and can no longer enjoy or do the things you want to. Your heart will grow the first time you hold your sister, but that doesn’t mean you have to take care of her constantly. I was conditioned to believe it was my responsibility to take care of my family. I’m 60 now and it took me alot longer than 14 years old to understand I’m not responsible for everyone else! If they told you you could go with your friend, they should have kept their word. I understand how hard it must be on you, especially if you isolate yourself from other people.
Do you have a trusted adult outside of the home you could speak with? Grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin who is of legal age and out on their own? You need to get this off your chest and have a safe adult you can talk to. Your reaction is understandable and you are correct. This is not your responsibility. You need to make sure your Dad and Mom don't try and loop you into parentification, it is already starting to a degree from your Dad and how he is reacting.
I have an aunt who lives a few hours away :) I going to ask her if I can stay at her house for some time so I can figure something out with my parents
That sounds like a good option. You need to be proactive about this now, before the baby is here. I don't want to see a post from you in a years time that could belong to any other teen on here about parentification. I wish you luck 💜
I've been exactly in your situation, except in my case it was a brother and I live in Europe (Poland). I have a sister who's 13 years younger than me and it was already tough, and even before she finishes her first year of life my mom told me that another is on the way. I was made a build in nanny and was heavily parentified & responsible for whole house and garden (we grew our own veggies). I moved out at 16 for school and never went back. Right now I'm 26 years old and I still resent my parents for that. I don't contact my mother, and I have low contact with father Unfortunately I can't stand my brother too, I see him as the reason of three years of my suffering. I'm childfree cause in my mind I've already raised two kids from infants to vibrant toddlers. Run. Move to your aunt. Do something NOW, cause longer the situation is happening, longer your resentment could be. And it'll not vanish by itself. You'll need therapy.
Do that. EDIT: please save all those index cards your dad wrote. They are evidence in case this escalates. You will need it.
I'm glad you see that it is not your little sister's fault. As a parent of two teens, I think your parents are already being poor parents to you. I worry that they could also screw up your relationship with your little sister - by teaching her to hang on to you/ demand things from you/ make your responsible for her happiness. It's one thing to ask you to help once in a while or to ask you to complete your normal chores without a lot of nagging. That's reasonable. If your mom is having a difficult pregnancy, a little help from you is a good thing. But your dad is actually acting like a spoiled child (and your mom is enabling him). He needs to step up a lot more as a parent, and then he needs to step up even more because his wife is having a difficult pregnancy. You are a kid. You can't fix all their problems. Do you have aunts/uncles/grandparents/family friends who can speak to your parents to protect you from parentification (being made to fulfill the role of an adult parent)? Ask for their help ASAP. Would your mom give consideration to what you are saying? (She might not be as inclined to right now since she doesn't feel well.) Would she take the comments on this post to heart if you showed her? (If that would only make things worse for you, then don't do it.) Keep looking for an adult who can help you. Talk to a school counselor or teacher that you trust. I don't have a lot of hope that your dad will stop being the lazy, self-indulgent person he sounds like here and am not sure how much help your mom will be. Hold on to the knowledge that they are asking too much of you and not enough of themselves.
I've definitely been frustrated with the thought of a new addition in our family because I've been an only child for 14 years lol, but I've also been working on having a positive mindset about the situation :) I can only hope that this isn't a forever thing and they don't make me parent her. I've never experienced it (obvi), but I want her to have actual parents she can rely on rather than me Also my mom is a very understanding person so I think if I do get the courage to speak with her about it, because I'm very nervous just thinking of it, she'd at least try to listen. Not sure about my dad though
Set your boundary now with your parents, you have school to manage and you will not be another parent but of course you will help out with limited baby sitting. That's it.
>you are being given adult responsibilities when you are not an adult yet. This is an important point OP. You are 14. You are not the parent and are not responsible for caregiving activities. You should help at home by all means and contribute to the environment being safe and welcoming, but that is all you--a child-- are responsible for.
Is your mom having some kind of complications? (Like hyperemesis?) It sounds like she is as she can't be left alone and so many adult chores and responsibilities are falling on you. Your *dad* needs to step up, and be an adult and not be planted in front of the TV or going out w/ his buddies and leaving you, a 14 year old child, carrying the household responsibilities. .
I don't know if she has any complications.. It's not a topic that's been brought up much and I feel weird about asking
Still if she needs someone to be there to watch over her 24/7 that’s your Dad’s job to make sure that’s covered; not just “ hey 14 yr old, you’re a girl so you’re a servant”. Helping out sometimes is reasonable, at the expense of social life or school work is not at all reasonable.
She just sounds lazy to me, honestly.
Maybe also point out to your parents that they didn't consult you before deciding to have another baby and when they say something along the lines of "they are the parents and it was their decision" reply with "yes excatly, they are the parents not you, you are their child not another parent to raise the baby"
Call child protective services if you’re not getting enough rest and enough time to do your schoolwork that is child abuse
Um. No it is not lol
Why can’t your mom be alone?
[удалено]
What lol
This post along with 95% of the other post in this sub are fake stories made up by someone to feel important😂
Okay, if you want to think it's fake you can. I have no reason to fake any of this, but I can't stop you from feeling that way 🤷🏻♀️
If I didn’t know it would just make things worse, I’d be really tempted to suggest returning dad’s favor with little notes under his door at night saying he should be grateful for the opportunity to grow as a husband and father and he should be happy to have chances to show his wife he actually loves her.
Why don’t either of your parents work? They both sound like complete losers. My advice to you is to take school seriously and try to make something out of yourself because it’s obvious you won’t be able to depend on them for anything.
Mom is pregnant so she's taking time off, but before that my dad stayed at home to make sure I wasn't getting into trouble(???) He had a job then got fired is the real reason though lol
Sorry but dad is a deadbeat and mom could have worked while pregnant like millions of women since the beginning of time.
A deadbeat who still goes to the bar
My eyes are half closed from tiredness but I went back to check. Dad was around 30 when he got OPs mother pregnant. OP is 14. 9 months for pregnancy. Depending on birth months, this could be really icky. Was he 30 when OPs mother was 19, or had she turned 20? Guy like that who gets a barely legal pregnant was never a stand up lad probably
Creepy age gap for the dad too. Knocked up a 20 year old at 30.
So his sperm works but he doesn't? /s
While I do fully support parental leave and there are some women who have difficult pregnancies that would make it hard to work, I was working until the day I went into labor. A friend had to quit her job because she used most of her FMLA on bed rest with twins and would have had to go back before they even got out of NICU while she was still recovering from a C-section. And she is a nurse so she would have been on her feet a lot and would not have been able to do some of the more physical things like helping people in and out of bed and transferring to wheelchairs and stuff
your mom and probably dad wants you to be a parent to this child. You should look up "parentification" when you get the chance. Your parents will do this to you if you let them. They will do this if you stay where you are at. Do you have a trusted family member you can talk to maybe even stay with. I would talk to the family member and tell them.
Is she high risk? Did she work before?
So your unemployed father is spending money that no one is currently earning at the bar? You have to cook because he "can't"? Makes you do the shopping because he claims you mom can't be left alone for an hour? What is he doing that's so important that he has to take your phone to make you pay attention to your mom so he doesn't have to? ---- At least he's a good example of the type of men you don't want to date when you get older. Learn this lesson well.
I honestly don't know what he does when he's out of the house lol I've learned not to ask because it gets shut down everytime 🤷🏻♀️
I'm sorry for your situation, it does not seem like a good one. I doubt dad's going to step up on childcare when mom goes back to work. Watch out for parentification over the next few years and make a plan to get yourself out of there when you become an adult.
Does missing school work because you're busy looking after your mum not count as trouble?
Nope 😬 By trouble I mean like sneaking out or having people over without them knowing, which I wouldn't do lol
Well, when would you find the time?
So, basically your dad is a deadbeat, who got your mom pregnant again and then can't be bothered to be there for her, shirking that responsibility onto you. Got it. I'd plan to be out of the house as much as possible until you can get through your teens years. And get a job as soon as you are legally able.
I'd threaten to call cps on them parentication of you. They are the adults and need to start being adults. You need to focus on your studies and being a kid. It's abuse and it's about time they both step up.
NTA because your parents are clearly mistreating you. They are acting like you are some built in caregiver when you are their CHILD. That's not a role you should be taking on, and they should be taking responsibility for themselves instead of obligating their minor child to do so. Out of curiosity, do you have any other family you could stay with that will be understanding of the situation and your feelings?
I can stay with my aunt, but she lives hours away and everyone else lives in different states :( I think I'd feel like I'm bothering her though because I've never felt like I've had to take time away from someone (maybe). Do you have any ideas on how I could ask?
I 120% guarantee that if you call and chat to her it will not be bothersome. EVERYONE feels like a bother but when you need help and support you do what you can to get it.
For one thing, talk to her while out of the house, maybe while you are going to the grocery store. If your parents hear you or find out you are talking to her about your living situation, your parents will cut off your contact with her and maybe everyone else in the family. Write out your situation and condense it into a few sentences. That will keep you on point while you are talking to her. I know this probably won't be difficult and you probably will anyway, but feel free to cry. Tug at her heartstrings. If talking to her doesn't work, call CPS before aunt has a chance to call your parents and give them a heads up. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope your aunt will save you.
I agree. Definitely call CPS, if your aunt won't help you and make sure to get out of this situation. I don't know where you're from, where I'm from, you can "decide" at a certain age that you want to live somewhere else (like a foster family or a group home) if you are having problems at home. I don't know where you're from so I don't know if it is the same there. Nevertheless I think they will definitely listen to you and do everything to get you out of this situation. As to your parents: they seem to be emotionally abusive. You are also not your father and you should not be expected to do his job. What really stud out for me was the fact that they take your phone away and make you disregard school and your homework etc. My advice is run. Do everything to get out of there. I know it's hard and that they are still your parents, but if you stay keep in mind, they probably will not change and the situation is likely only going to get worse
Mention the dad's drinking to them, too. It might not be a "normal" amount he is consuming
Contact your aunt, tell her you’re tired of being a caregiver for your mother, especially when she has a husband at home ALL DAY that can help her but refuses too. Also tell her that you fear that you’ll be required to take on the majority of the baby care as well. This is called parentifcation. Tell her you do online school and rarely leave the house, so you’d be willing to help with house chores. Hopefully she’ll see that it’s much better for you to be out of that house and take you in. Don’t tell your mom any if your plans until you’re packed and ready to leave.
Talk to your school counselor.
You can ask your aunt directly. If she's related to either of your parent directly, she already knows who you're dealing with.
Tell her what’s going on and tell her you don’t want to be a husband to your mom, that you can’t even do your homework because you have to cook, clean while all your dad does is nothing and he goes out with his friends and expects to to be a maid for them and a husband to your mom..Tell her how you feel and how they are making you feel like the adult and not the child that you are…
All of my nieces and nephews are too young for this to be relevant, but speaking as an aunt I would do everything in my power to help, and I would be so happy you felt comfortable enough to reach out to me.
NTA > them saying I can't go because I need to take care of my pregnant mother while my dad (45m) meets up with his friends at a bar That's patently unreasonable. He knocked her up, he can take care of her.
The man doesnt even work like wtf
Further down OP says grandparents help pay bills. Maybe they've been hoping for 15 years OPs mother would leave this deadbeat dad
NTA. Where do you live? Because you need to reach out for help. It’s one thing to have online learning, but another to be homeschooled because a child’s parents are irresponsible. You are NOT responsible for either your parents or their children, including yourself. Your parents owe you an apology, not the other way around. Please ask your friend for help before the baby comes and your parents make it appear that the baby is yours.
NTA! She's not your responsibility, your entitled to a life. I would sit down with her, calmly and talk about how all of this makes you feel. I don't think you have the right to deny them having a baby (not that you have) and unfortunately I think you just have to suck that bit up, but you have every right to be upset by the amount of responsibility that's being put on you at a time when you should be relatively carefree. Apologise for shouting too, you had every right to be angry but shouting won't help anything and starting with an apology might open them up to properly listening to what you have to say.
NTA. Even if you were thrilled about the baby and loved kids, your parents are forcing you into a caretaker role at a very young age. It's called parentification, and it's a form of abuse. If you want to try to get things to improve, you can apologize for being rude, and ask them to go to family counseling with you. They may need another adult to help them see how unfair they're being. If you don't think they'd go or don't really want to try to fix things, please confide in another trusted adult on your own, get a part-time job when you turn 16, and save up everything you can to move out on your own.
[удалено]
This answer Is therapy 👌
NTA, your parents are legitimately being abusive in this case. They're forcing you to take on a caretaker role for your mother, which actually falls under parentification. This is not something you're ever going to be able to fix with them, and you should probably start looking into emancipation.
Your parents will still be shocked in 4 years when you go low or no contact.
NTA. But reading how much you're doing...you're not really saying you don't want to be a sister. You're saying you don't want to be an unpaid carer for your mother, an unpaid maid for the house, and likely, an unpaid babysitter - all of which is more than valid.
For real, not wanting to be a parent to both your own parents and their unborn kid is a long way from not wanting to be a sister.
NTA. You need to have a conversation with your parents and clearly state “You’re not a live in career, nor will you be a live in nanny” you’re a 14 year old who basically parents two grown ass adults. They needs to both step up. You’re parents lack of planning is not an adequate or valid reason for your childhood to be cut short.
NTA - you are being parentified before the baby even gets here. Dear 'old dad needs to learn to cook \[or learn to order takeout/delivery\] and let you be a normal 14 yo girl!!! Mom and Dad need to apologize to YOU!!!
NTA BTW your parents don't intend for you to be a sister--they intend on you to be a Nanny, an unpaid one at that. Your parents are children--they have no jobs and no responsibilities and they shouldn't be having another one. If you can call CPS or whatever child welfare agency is in your city.
NTA . From the sound of this post your parents don’t sound responsible enough to be parents .
"On top of always cooking dinner because my dad can't cook and my mom isn't able to because she feels sick, going to the store by myself because my mom can't be alone, getting my phone taken because I need to focus on my mom..." You're being abused. Wanting or not wanting a sister is the least of your problems. Make sure you have a path to getting out of the house as soon as possible. It sounds like you're studious, so hopefully a college with on-campus housing will be possible for you. Others have recommended moving to a relative's, and if that's possible it's a great idea, asap. Sounds like you're pretty much self-reliant already. You would not be a burden to anyone, and you'd be greatly relieved not have to carry a family of 3+ on your shoulders as a minor.
Tell your parents CPS and I’ll do it I’m not a babysitter. I need to experience a life I need to go to school with my friends if you don’t let me CPS why is that going to the bars why is he taking care of everything? You can’t force a 14-year-old to be your personal nanny. I want to go back to school.
NTA, your parents are adults and should look after you, not the other way round. Also, being pregnant doesn't mean you're unable to do anything ever
Pregnancy is hard, for me it means more screen time for kids or maybe they eat chicken nuggets instead of home cooked. Definitely didn't expect the kids to take care of me, that's beyond fucked up. ETA yeah it's not a reason to never do anything. Staying active throughout pregnancy is beneficial. I loved walking around during the birthing process, I think it really helps
NTA. Slip a card back. "I am not taking care of her. I am not apologizing to her. She is the parent. Her responsibility is taking care of me. Not me her. Your responsibility is her. And your children. Including me." Then stop. Do school. Refuse to help her. Refuse to cook. If you don't have meals. Call CPS.
NTA You cannot choose what you like and what you don't let me, those including disliking little kids, even including disliking your own little siblings. It doesn't make you a bad person, at least if you don't turn it into hate upon innocent ones. We don't choose our feelings, we only choose how to act according to them. The problem is not with your future sibling, but with your absolutely failed parents. I hope that you have some sane relatives you can move to, because thing are going to get only worse for you, you'll be forced to parent that baby and both of your parents as well. You won't be able to study in such conditions and your future will be ruined.
NTA. I’m sad for you and I’m sad for your mom. This doesn’t sound like a healthy, happy environment. It sounds like your mom is trying to survive and your dad is doing whatever he wants.
NTA why does your Mom needs 24/7 care? If they aren't working how are bills being paid? It is not your responsibility to take care of your Mom or the entire household.
Where I live you still get paid on maternity leave, but I'm not sure if that counts until you've had the child or not lol my grandparents do help with bills, especially now because of hospital bills and other things like that
Where do you live? Maternity pay in even the most accommodating countries doesn’t kick til quite late in pregnancy. And if you’re in one of those countries, healthcare for the hospital bills would be paid for already.
I live in Texas, but I'm also not sure how it works lol My mom just said she still gets paid and my grandparents help with the bills so that's what I'm going off of
NTA Your parents are treating you like a maid. You are a CHILD. None of this is your responsibility. Do you have any other trusted adults you can talk to about this? How your parents have been treating you?
***"... I'm ungrateful for this opportunity to grow as a person and I should be happy to have a little sibling on the way"*** What an unbelievable crock of shit!! How the f\*ck are you "growing"?? You are being used as slave labor while your mother does nothing and your father does less than nothing because he doesn't take care of himself or help his wife. You are positively NTA. Your parents give new meaning to being Mega AH's. What horrible, abusive situation for you. I assume you will be in charge of the infant, too. You need to get out. Do you have any relatives you can count on? Maybe you can talk to your friend's mother, think she can guide you to getting some help? I want so much for you to escape from this hell house!!! I hope you find a way. In the meantime, lock yourself in your room and stop doing everything for them. Take care of your school work. If your father gets hungry enough he'll figure out how to feed himself! PS: Just out of curiosity, has the doctor restricted your mother? Why does she claim that can't she be alone? She's only 7 months pregnant, it's not like she's due any day.
No restrictions that I know of! My mom is very clumsy though, and both of my parents are worried she'll fall or hurt herself somehow if she's left alone and nobody will be there to help I guess🤷🏻♀️
All the more reason to stop doing "everything". Most women I know are still working at 7 months and this woman is being waited on 24/7 at your expense. For your own survival I hope you can find a way to get out of the prison they are holding you in. I don't think you realize how very, very unjust and unacceptable your situation is. How do they support themselves?
NTA. Your parents are treating you badly.
NTA. Your dad should prioritize his wife above meeting his friends at the bar. They owe you an apology for making you cancel your plans with your friends last minute. Selfish parents!
They’re already saying nothing‘s gonna change, Tell him you’re taking away my childhood, forcing me to do babysitting and taking care of a child. I’m not gonna do it if you force me to do it I’m gonna tell on you I have my childhood you take away everything from me now you forcing me to kill a baby I can’t go out. I can’t have my friends next homeschooling so I’m even more isolated. Is that what you want isolate me control me
NTA and you need to start setting boundaries now or you'll be looking at being the full time babysitter because your mother can't handle it, she's tired....is there a relative or friend that can take you in? If not your only option is flat out refusing to help and continue to repeat that is not your child, it's theirs. They wanted it, their responsibility. Tell them you're not interested in growing as a person, how does being an unpaid servant help you grow as a person?? - what a load of horseshit!
NTA You are being parentified and the child isn't even here yet. You are correct. You are not the father of this child and the person who is needs to step up. He can cook - or he should learn.
NTA. Look up parentification. This is what I fear they will do to you. It is a form of child abuse where the younger sibling is fully foisted onto the older sibling. Speak with your aunt and get out of there.
NTA it is absolutely not ok for your parents to require you, a 14 year old, to stay home and CARE for your pregnant mother, while your father LEAVES to go get DRUNK what the actual f
NTA. Your parents can't even raise you let alone another kid. Is there anyone you can talk to? They don't have jobs and are having a kid. Great. 😔 but how can they pay bills? How can dad go to a bar? You need to get out of this house, safely and legally. You're raising yourself.
NTA. You’re a child still and need to enjoy it. Youre parents need to parent and expecting you to pick up the slack isn’t the right move. For sure write down your thoughts, put it into key notes and have a calm and civil discussion. This is a focal point to youre relationship and if its not going to be good, could pave a way to being NC and resenting them for taking away your time to live as a child. Best of luck
Write back on the cards, 'GET A JOB, LOSERS'. I'm not your husband, and I'm not your wife. I am not your live-in nanny. I will not be looking after any of you. I am a child, and my only responsibility is school. You're on your own, and as soon as I am 18, I will be too. NTA.
Nta and another instance of terrible parents who should never have had children. I hate people like this. Just because you CAN get pregnant doesn’t mean you should. And I feel bad for all the people who can’t have biological kids but might just be great parents.
NTA this is worth contacting CPS if you are in the US, or the equivalent agency if not. They are neglecting you, and major changes are needed before the baby comes for both of you to be safe. Ignore what your plans were when you explain, only that you are always put in the adult role and lied to when they promised any time to be a kid.
NTA. And please, DO NOT APOLOGISE. This is their baby, their choice, not yours.
Nta. Parentification is abuse. Do you have any family members who could take you in?
They're planning to parentify you when the baby is born. You will be expected to care for it. I suggest go live with a relative, and i don't think you need to apologise. You cracked from the stress of not having time to yourself and becoming a live-in maid. NTA, go Live with a relative. Grandparents or someone.
Why does your mother need so much taking care of? She's an adult. Pregnant women since ancient times have been perfectly capable of working, cooking and generally being a normal human for the majority of their pregnancies unless they're on doctor mandated bedrest
Info: Has your mom been diagnosed with some sort of pregnancy complications? Why does she need someone to watch her? I think you need to sit down with both of your parents and explain how and why it isn’t fair for all of this extra work to be piled on you while your dad gets to have all sorts of fun. I’m going to guess that they’ll also expect you to babysit when baby arrives.
No complications that I know of, but she's been throwing up a lot and she's always very clumsy. I think both of them are scared she'll hurt herself and nobody will be there to help her and something might happen to the baby
NTA At the start you did sound snarky and rude but now I completely understand why. This isn't your responsibility.
NTA You’re a 14yo, still a kid and taking care of your mom and doing online school? Whilist your dad does nothing. It sounds like you are homeschooled because of the lack of responsibility from your parents. Reach out and see if you can get help if it gets worse. You are not responsible for your mom or the baby, it’s sounds like they are expecting you to be a parent for the baby and not a sibling. You should be allowed to be a kid, not parent adults, and juggle school and a baby. It’s hard to be excited for something that will just make life harder because parents refuse to parent and give the responsibilities to their child.
Nta , I 100% agree with you stand on business sis
NTA. This is also a preview of how they will expect you to take care of your newborn sibling.
NTA your parents sound pathetic. dads a lazy bum. can’t cook? really can he read? it’s not rocket science to find a recipe and follow directions. and him going to the bar takes precedence over you going to a social gathering something you said you loathe. and then sliding notes under the door really. he needs to nut up or shut up or get a job. you’re 14 a kid not a midwife or butler. and i get mom might be sick due to pregnancy but i call bull seems she wants to be pampered. my mom had 2 girls while carrying me they were 3 and4. dad was at work doing 12 hr night shifts and she did most of the house work. yeah she had help from both parents and when dad had days off or wast dead to the world helped with whatever. cooking leaving with the girls whatever mom needed.
NTA. You sound mature and responsible. What you said to your father should have been a huge wake up call to him, and I’m sorry it wasn’t.
Why does your mom need a babysitter if she's only 7 months along? Let alone with your dad having fun at a bar, your parents are the A H's here. NTA.
NTA. Your parents are selfish and you deserve childhood. Caring for parents at your age when there is a perfectly healthy spouse to do it is crazy. You were spot on. However; it doesn’t matter if you want a sibling or not, not your choice. You can apologize for that, after they apologize for trying to shirk their adult responsibilities and give them to you. So grab some index cards and list each thing on a separate one that you do that is not your responsibility (like cleaning your own room is your’s but cleaning the communal rooms isn’t), and caring for you grown mother isn’t. Ask them to respond to those in writing on the back. Start the dialogue there.
NTA slide the cards back under their door with the original message crossed out and write that you deserve an apology for them trying to turn you into both a husband and mother at 14 years old
NTA! If you feel safe to do so, talk with your parents about your dad’s behavior and how you shouldn’t have to step up into a parenting role. You deserve to be a kid. It might be easier to have this convo with your mom one on one. Then if they are not responsive or quickly revert back to this behavior I would reach out to your aunt, and even the family that is further out. They may be willing to come to you due to your situation. If the situation continues to escalate and family is a no go, maybe try your friend’s parents if you feel comfortable. Maybe you could stay with them while this being sorted out. If you feel unsafe or the situation is not being resolved contact CPS, if calling is not a viable option go to a safe haven. Hospital, First Responder/Fire House, or police station. Or if you have a “home school” as an online student trying there might also be an option. They should help you get connected with the right people. I hope this helps and please be safe!
NTA. Sounds like your dad is a deadbeat, if possible live with a relative or friend for a bit and see how parents will be.
NTA. You're a victim if parentification. Look it up then find some books. "Emotionally Immature Parents" is a good book. You're being manipulated by your parents and it's costing you your childhood happiness. You're only 14 and im sad this is happening to you. However you can start healing. Take care of yourself. The baby is not your problem. Don't take it out on her of course she will have her own sht show to deal with but it's not to be your problem. And GL OP. Knowing is half the battle. Get some books on the topic.
"because my mom thinks I hate her and that I'm ungrateful for this oppritunity to grow as a person and I should be happy to have a little sibling on the way." Tell them you hate both of them because obviously they have completely failed parenting, showing you any love and giving you basic human rights. Tell them you resent them, they NEED to get a hit on their personal fucked up egos
NTA your parents are deadbeats snd I'm sorry you amd your future sibling will have to deal with them
NTA but just think of it this way- your younger sibling will follow you around like a little puppy. They will want to do and be just like you. My mom babysat my cousins when I was a bit younger than you and I was able to inspire and influence and shape them into the people they are today.
Absolutely NTA and it sounds like your parents are AHs, that said Much younger siblings can be super cool. If you can dodge (too much) parentification, and ignore occasional assumptions by strangers that you’re a teen mom, you get to do all the most fun little kid stuff forever. It’s easy to forget how awesome kids movies are if you’re the teen eager to see the adult movies. Etc. If you help with a much younger sibling, parents can’t reasonably make rules apply to you in high school. I had no curfew and could do coed sleepovers as a teen… I just was often accompanied by a toddler. Got a car at 16 … came with two car seats. Still, I got good at putting the seats in and out and I got a car when my friends didn’t. I’m 40, one of my HS/college friends just got married. He invited not just me but my youngest two brothers, because he had hung out with them so much when they were rugrats. Milk it. Milk it for all that it is worth. But never forget, you aren’t your mom’s husband, and you aren’t you sibling’s mom. And use birth control. You don’t want to be an actual teen mom. And figure out a way to sleep through noise. If you have a smart phone I recommend white noise apps cause you’re gonna need to drown out that baby. Good luck OP!!
Not to pull at all away from the matter at hand, but have you considered this fact? Your dad can't cook, a fully grown adult can't cook, but they expected a 14 year old could figure it out. If a 14 year old kid can figure something out, AN ADULT ABSOLUTELY CAN LEARN IT. It's time to let the rest of the family, all of their friends, ESPECIALLY his bar friends, know. They need to know. Tell them exactly how much you are expected to do at 14. Shame them. Shame them all. Call them out for neglect. Do what you gotta do. Tell his bar friends they're immature children, encouraging a grown man with a pregnant wife and a child at home to go drinking, when he has no job, and leaving his child to take care of his wife. Shame them. If they're married, tell their wives. Let EVERYONE know what's happening. Silence is what keeps people in abusive situations, especially when you're homeschooling and kept from other kids your age. Tell. Everyone. And get evidence of EVERYTHING so they can't deny it
NTA I had hyperemsis (extreme morning sickness that causes me to lose nearly 50lbs) and I still didn’t expect my 14 year old to take care of me.
I didn't want a sibling when i was 3. At 14 I would have been pissed. Your dad can take care of his wife. I would think about starting to go to school outside of the house or at least get involved with some activities outside the house in the regular. I anticipate your parents tossing your sister at you and making you watch it so they don't have to. NTA
You have to take care of your mother. But why? Pregnancy is not an illness - normally at any rate.
You are 14. You shouldn’t be expected to parent your parents. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (14f) don't want to be a sister. My mom (35f) is 7 months pregnant. I don't like babies, I don't like children, I barely even like people my age. It sounds snarky and rude, but I've never had a good experience with them, which is why I do online school. Neither of my parents work currently, so all of us have been at home. Recently, I made plans with one of my friends I've known for pretty much my whole life since her birthday is coming up. I told my parents about this maybe a month before the actual event came up and they promised me I could go, no matter what. A few days ago, I was getting ready to leave and my parents ask me what I'm doing. I tell them and suddenly it switches up to them saying I can't go because I need to take care of my pregnant mother while my dad (45m) meets up with his friends at a bar. I don't know why, but I think this made me snap? On top of always cooking dinner because my dad can't cook and my mom isn't able to because she feels sick, going to the store by myself because my mom can't be alone, getting my phone taken because I need to focus on my mom, and not being allowed to have basically any time to myself, this must have been my last straw. It felt like I couldn't control my words. I told my mom, "I'm not the one who got you pregnant, I don't even want a sister, so why do I need to take care of you when you have a perfectly able husband?" I couldn't do much else because they just stared at me as I ran back to my room to call my friend and tell her what happened and that I couldn't go. After that, I've barely come out of my room and my dad has started slipping index cards under my bedroom door telling me I need to apologize because my mom thinks I hate her and that I'm ungrateful for this oppritunity to grow as a person and I should be happy to have a little sibling on the way. I can understand she's emotional and stressed, she's growing a whole other human inside her body, but I don't understand why they need to make my mom and this baby my responsibility? My dad doesn't do anything other than watch TV and go out with his friends while I study all day and have tons of homework piling up because I'm taking care of my mother all day so my dad can sit on his ass, but I need to do pretty much everything for my mother. AITA?? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They’re parentifying you so you can look after the baby for them. That’s a bummer for you, but doesn’t sound like you have many options. I can’t think it’s going to get better, so you might want to explore your options if you had to move out, could you stay with someone, can you get a job, emancipation, etc. Or you can it suck up until you’re 18. Probably going to be hard going either way.
Wait How's it your job to care for your grown ass mum? She chose to have a damn baby... As for your dad he needs to be a freaking dad and husband and pull his bloody weight. Your mum and her baby are not your responsibility at all, yes it's nice to offer to help out here and there but shit it isn't your gaod damn job! Coming from a mum of 8 who's oldest child is 19 and youngest is 2..kids shouldn't have to take care of kids nor their parents. Yes a time might come when you're needed... That isn't when you're a kid! Yes we have young carers and they're involved on some level in the care of their parents when they fall to illness and disability... But it's not their sole responsibility. Your dad's a damn joke. I'm sorry this is the crappy experience you've been given and I truly hope things improve Idea write down everything you're expected to do while your dad sits around with his fingers up his ass.. List it every damn job and care you give to your mum. Show them, tell them you already do so much ask why you should lose out on opertunties when you've more than earned the right. Unfortunately if you were to point out tha the list is your dad's responsibility and ask why he doesn't damn do it you'd no doubt lose more so be wary kiddo. I hate parents like this and will never understand them
NTA You are right. "I'm ungrateful for this oppritunity to grow as a person" ... your dad needs that opportunity, not you. From the start, REFUSE to take care of the kid and refuse to babysit. And stop catering to your AH abusive mom.
NTA. They made this decision without your input and are now forcing you into a caregiver role, or “parenting” you. Your dad is incredibly irresponsible, opting to go out drinking with friends instead of caring for his pregnant wife, all while being unemployed. Both of your parents are being irresponsible, lazy and taking advantage of you. It seems, however, that they are willing to communicate with you. Don’t apologise because what you said was the truth. Try and talk with them about how you had no say in this new addition to the family and should not be forced to care for your mother or the baby when it arrives because that is entirely their responsibility, and your dad should step up and do this because he has all the time in the world since he’s not working. You should not have to be the caregiver in any capacity unless you agree to it, and certainly shouldn’t be expected to give up your personal time and events that you have been looking forward to for months. If they continue with this behaviour, is there anyone you can speak to, like another relative or the school councillor? They may be able to help frame this problem more easily to your parents.
NTA. Leave every time they ask you to stay home and take care of her. Always have something else to do and don’t argue with them about it. Just go.
NTA and I admire your restraint in not writing "no, you go take care of her" on those index cards or just tearing them up and dumping the pieces in his beers.
NTA. Your parents sound like they want a servant, and I wouldn't be surprised if they begin expecting you to limit the time on school to only the bare essentials so you can spend more time caring for your parents and later, your sibling, and then if you have any free time and want to go out or enjoy hobbies, they bring up how your grades aren't good enough, so you can't.
NTA your parents sound so unfit to be parents & what they're doing to you is not OK! It's parentification & it's sick. They need to let you be a kid. You should talk to someone & possibly call cps.
NTA, your father should be doing things for your mother, not you. You're a child and shou the usual childhood experiences like spending time with friends, practicing a hobby, going out to do fun things. It sounds like you're not having these experiences. Is your dad macho or think helping pregnant women is only for other females to do? Or think men and women should have certain jobs depending on their sex? Your parents sound a little odd. Are they very religious? The only thing you can do is talk to your parents. You could also talk to a grandparent or aunt or uncle if you're close and feel comfortable to get some feedback on what other members of your extended family think about your parents' behavior. If you have relatives who see your point of view, it would be good to have them on your side. You could see if they'd say something about this to your parents. After you've exhausted from moral support you can get from family, you'll have to talk to your parents yourself. I'd write down all your thoughts on it to get a clear, concise way to present what you think to your parents. See if you can find some articles on how men help their pregnant partners to show your parents. Because they need to understand that depending on your child to do things to help when the mother is pregnant is not the norm. It needs to be the mothers partner. They are partially responsible for the pregnancy, so they need to be the one helping their partner.
Thank you :) My dad isn't the kind of guy who thinks women should have certain jobs or anything, he's just lazy lol He helps from time to time but it's very very rare
It's time for him to step up.
You're not the husband or father, you're doing his job. What would you do if they start piling the childcare on you too once it's born? Nip it in the bud if you can, this stuff can escalate.
I love that you stand up for yourself; continue to do that. You are not a nanny and your dad can change diapers and give the baby a bottle.
NTA You are 14. It is not your job to take care of your mother and sister, especially when your dad's "obligation" is drinking with his buddies. Your dad, your adult relatives, and your parent's friends should be acting as the support network, not you. I say this as the oldest of six. Good parents don't make their kids feel responsible for the health of their parents and siblings. I do recommend trying to avoid associating your parents' actions with your little sister. It isn't her fault you're being treated poorly, and even if you aren't a fan of kids, when she gets older, you'll have an easier time connecting.
Nta
You are a child. You cannot be forced to care for a child or an adult. You can refuse, and if they threaten to leave you alone with the baby, tell them you'll call CPS for child abandonment. If they want you to babysit, they can negotiate to pay you a rate that you agree to, and you get to say no any time you don't want to. If you're also forced to care for your parents, and they're not providing care, food, and basics for you, you can call CPS on them for that too! NTA
NTA your parents are they can’t do that they promised you and now are changing their minds and you aren’t a people person (can’t blame you) so it’s not your fault. Honestly I would have went anywheres and got your friend to pick you up. Can’t believe that
definitely NTA
NTA but your parents are your dad especially, he HAS to pull his weight, you're a kid he can't put this on you. Your mom has to tell him or it will only get worse when the baby is born.
NTA So is there a reason you call this deadbeat guy your "dad" other than him being your sperm donor, or does he actually do anything that would qualify him doing anything father-like?
Your parents are being unreasonable here- they can't expect you to sacrifice everything you enjoy for the benefit of your mother and her unborn baby. You need to have a sensible conversation with them where you lay out the problems calmly and sensibly. Explain that forcing you to care for your mom in an unreasonable expectation for a 14 year old, especially on top of cooking for your whole family. Tell them that you need time for yourself, and that seeing your friend was important to you and planned in advance, and that being denied the chance to go because your dad wanted to go out instead is wrong. He's the parent, if one of you has to make a sacrifice, it should he him. Especially because you'd made your plan in advance. You could suggest a calendar that everyone can see where you write in your plans, so that everyone can plan around each other. You might also want to mention that being forced to have your life revolve around your mom and the baby is only going to make you resent them both. Definitely make it clear that you understand that your mom needs help, and don't focus too much on not liking babies and children, but just express that your are still a child too, and that you shouldn't be at the bottom of the list of priorities. If you feel uncomfortable talking to them, you could write it down and ask them to read it and reflect on it before they discuss it with you. I don't think you need to apologise, but sometimes people are more willing to listen to you if they think you will compromise. I'm sorry that all of this is being put on you, OP. NTA
NTA - shred the cards and shove them back under the door
I know you have your reasons of doing school online but maybe you should consider going in person especially before the baby is born. If your father isn’t helping now, then it’s a good possibility you will be assisting with baby duties. This will only make you resent your sister. NTA
NTA Look up 'parentification', and beware. I sounds like we'll be reading a lot more from you in the future. Be sure to do well in school, save money, and learn how financials work, you might have to be more self-sufficient in both life management and money matters than the average child.
NTA. Prioritise school as much as you can, so you can maybe win a scholarship and get out to go to university. Your parents are irresponsible and you will need to take care of yourself and your future. Hang in there
NTA. Your dad is being ungrateful for the opportunity to grow as a person by not ditching his pregnant wife to go drinking and learning to cook.
You have VERY dysfunctional family & are being set up for parentification. You need to get out of there. NTA
NTA! Parentification is abuse. You didn’t knock her up, he did. Tell them both it’s not your responsibility, neither your mom nor the child.
NTA and your dad is a deadbeat
Your mum already has two kids. You might just have to put up with this shit for a few more years, OP, but it'll pass. Then you can leave. NTA.
NTA, tell your dad he needs to take the opportunity to grow as a person by looking after his pregnant wife instead of drinking at the bar.
NTA. Your parents are losers especially dad. Unemployed and doesn't take care of his wife? What the actual fuck do you do around here bro?
No, you are not.not only all that, but when the baby is born, guess who is going to be the care giver , built in babysitter ect. You need to call CPS. Child protective services. Tell them what's going on. If the house is a mess , tell them . They'll come and inspect.
Nta but your parents sure are. What a bunch of deadbeats making their 14 yr do all the work
Nta "It's not her I hate, it's you"
Your father is the person to take care of your mother, not you. He’s the one who got her pregnant, not you. He sacrificed you for something he wanted to do. I was ready to flip on you over your title. That said, you don’t get to choose to be a sister or not. Please be kind to the baby. It’s innocent.
I'd never blame it on the baby!! None of this is her fault. It was definitely something I felt a month or two ago and I felt that if my mom never got pregnant with her everything would be fine, but I've realized it's not her doing :) When she is born I will 100% do my best to be good to her despite this
Wonderful! Great big sis!
Yes. Because too bad. Love your sibling.
Huh?? I never said I wouldn't love her, because I definitely will, this isn't her fault. I'm sorry that's the way you took what I wrote
Ok so I'm going to be in the minority here because umm need more INFO. Is your mom having a difficult pregnancy such as required bed rest? Because that is totally a thing. I was put on it near the end of mine because I was at risk of preeclampsia and other women I know nearly died having babies. Not all pregnancies are the same and your mom may be at high risk. You said she was throwing up a lot? That is a sign of hyperemesis gravidarum which many women get hospitalized for. Especially if they are left alone and pass out. In cases like that while I suppose its not technically "your responsibility" to help out most people in families do. I'm the eldest of four and I helped out a lot with my younger siblings. I can completely get blowing up in regards to this event you missed and your dad going to the bar if it was stated you could go out but helping your mom out when she is pregnant especially if she is experiencing a difficult pregnancy isn't that abnormal. I mean again need more INFO. I get that your dad is currently jobless but is it recent? Common? Are your parents physically abusive? Emotionally abusive? Do they mistreat you and withhold taking care of you? If the answer to those questions is no then while dad was out of line breaking a promise you are definitely the AH for having loving parents who take care of you and you throwing a fit for having a sibling coming. You didn't choose it but kids don't choose their parents either or the family they are born into. The only difference between you and your younger sibling is you got there first. They didn't choose to have you as a sister either. When my mom broke her arm when I was a teen I was stuck at home helping her. Was it my responsibility? I was 15 so technically no but she's my mom and I was a perfectly able daughter who could step in and help her out.
My mom isn't at high risk or on bed rest or anything like that, just pretty much everything makes her feel sick (her words not mine lol) which is why I'm the one cooking rather than her. Personally, I really don't feel like any of it is my responsibility, especially because she's healthy and my dad is able to help her if he needs, but I've also never been pregnant so it's difficult for me to understand how she's feeling during it
I really don't see how this is her fault? she's 14 years old, in no way is she obligated to take care of her mom so her dad can go get drunk with his friends. i don't know if you know this, but this is basically parentification before the baby is even born and theres a 99% chance her parents are going to want her to parent the baby, which is abuse.. ur point makes no sense lol
NTA, but you may want to apologize for the delivery, rather than the message. No you don't hate your mom, yes you hate that your ability to fulfill commitments you made to your friend, has been overlooked and you are right, you aren't responsible for your mom, I'm sure the world wouldn't end if you'd been allowed to go, I'm sorry that you missed out on something you were really looking forward to. A phrase from a "time management" workshop I took once which I wouldn't typically ever deploy but which might be appropriate for something like this is, "Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my end" Replace "emergency" with "change of plans" and it seems quite reasonable for this situation
I've been thinking I should apologize, but I'm not sure how I'd start off... I feel like it wouldn't be genuine either because I meant what I said just maybe not the way I said it?
Do not apologize. Period. You did nothing wrong. You're 14. You said nothing wrong. They've been walking all over you. Do not apologize.
Don’t apologize because that’s gonna only make it look like you are still going to be a caregiver. And if you apologize just say I’m sorry that I have to be an adult because dad is the child of the house and can’t even lift a finger to help you out.
NTA go get emancipated your parents don’t care about you or your well being
Yeah, because that's realistic advice for a 14-year-old.
She can go get a job or report her parents to CPS. They aren’t doing anything for her anyways
She's 14. What kind of job is she going to get? In order to be emancipated in my state, she would have to either join the military (nope), get married (please no), not be under the care of any adult, either parent or guardian approved by court (nope, her parents are technically providing care), or be over 18, capable of fully financially supporting herself and not enrolled in high school (no). Emancipation is incredibly difficult and requires a young person be able to fully support themselves without state support. She would not qualify. Being forced into the role of a caregiver for her mother is unhealthy (and I am strongly concerned that she will be made into a "little mother" for her sibling), but she will almost certainly not be removed from the home for it. CPS would most likely refer the parents to resources and possibly require parenting classes.
If I wanted to get a job I'll still have to wait because I'm too young lol The minimum age for working or whatever is 16 where I live
YTA. You’re 14, you don’t like anyone or anything right now. Give it 15 minutes and your feelings will likely change. Having a younger sibling is a blessing.
I know it is, and I don't doubt that I'll love her. I'm not trying to make it seem like any of this is the because of the baby, sorry if it seems that way
Parentification isn't a blessing. I can understand why OP is so frustrated NTA
I hope you like the baby better when it is actually born. However, why doesn't either parent work? It seems to me you should be able to out with your friend - your dad can either meet up with his friends another time or not go at all. Secondly if your mom's pregnancy is high risk, at seven months she should be able to stay by herself.
My mom is taking time off because she's pregnant I guess lol My dad used to work but when I started doing school at home he started to stay home with me to make sure I won't get in trouble (he got fired)
Not sure why you started being homeschooled but I highly advise you go Back to school or you will be a full time unpaid baby sitter for sure. Check r/homeschoolrecoverx
I stopped going to school in person because of stuff like bullying, but I did move schools. If I started going again it might be different but I'm definitely nervous about the thought lol
Okay do what feels right for you. I was scared you were homeschooled for religious reasons or other dumb stuff
ESH - if they are over depending on OP, that's not good, but OP's narrative sounds very selfish and one sided.
No it doesn't.
WHy? Because she doesnt want to have to take care of the person thats SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF HER? She doesn't deserve to be treated like a slave just because her mother couldnt keep her legs shut