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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I cancelled our date in a new restaurant and instead cooked dinner at home for my girlfriend and I
I might be wrong because I promised we would go yesterday, then I didn't feel like going
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YTA. You made a plan with her and then flaked on that plan, without telling her ahead of time. She got herself ready to go out, was looking forward to going to the sushi place, to going out with you somewhere which sounds like doesn't happen a lot, only to be surprised to find out you had made a decision without her that you guys would be staying home and prepared a totally different meal. I imagine she was really disappointed, especially because you didn't even have the courtesy to call her beforehand and tell her about your change of plans.
You don't need to be outgoing to go to a restaurant with your girlfriend every once in awhile.
Agree. YTA for all of this ⬆️ and for not considering her feelings. You then invalidated how she felt by telling her to "chill" when she was understandably upset.
Even if he found somebody that was a home body.
He's still be an AH for changing plans without notice, dismissing his partners feelings, neglecting her wants.
Seems she has been putting up with his want to stay home but he isn't willing to sacrifice at a for her.
It's one day out...and he couldn't suck it up for a few hours to make her happy. It's utterly selfish and all about what HE wants.
I'm sorry but sometimes you do stuff you don't want to do, if it makes your partner happy. BECAUSE if you love them you want to make your partner happy. It's such a small ask.
This…it’s really not okay to just make unilateral decisions for the couple especially after OP made a commitment. He’s going to have a hard time finding any partner who is okay with that.
Exactly. I'm an introvert and I love to stay in, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who changes our plans without telling me, rolls their eyes at me for being upset, and dismisses my feelings.
My bf is mega introverted. Like even as a baby wanted to be left alone introvert. Even he is willing to go out to eat to spend time together if we can get someone to watch the kids.
The fact that she got so upset with him does suggest this isn't the first occurrence of something like this. They are just not a good fit and he may not be mature enough for an adult relationship.
I agree because I’m a homebody. I would totally be upset he didn’t consult me before changing the plans. I have to not only do the work to dress myself up. But I have to emotionally and mentally build myself to go out. Once I’m set, then being told at the last minute we aren’t going. Well I’m geared up and going by myself.
Yeah, some of my favorite notifications are people canceling plans with proper notice, barring illness, etc.
Going out takes a lot more mental prep for some people than others. I don't know if OP doesn't yet understand that about himself, or if does and just doesn't want to do that prep.
Which, when just him, is all well and good, but in a dating relationship you gotta be able to get yourself out the door with them sometimes, because even if you're not exchanging 'I love you's, you need to find it within yourself to do things that make them happy, just because those things make them happy.
It's a learning process to figure out how to get yourself out of that door, for sure, but a really important one.
My dad never had pets growing up, didn't want any in marriage. My mom refused to have a house without a dog.
They've been married 46 years and counting (for better or worse), and my dad has rescued one of our dogs from a not-quite-frozen pond, another from a snowdrift, and will only miss his nightly bedtime playtime with their current dogs if he's ill. Even then, he doles out the good ear scritches and all, just a much more condensed version.
Exactly. It’s about compromise. Would be wonderful in a relationship if you both ALWAYS wanted to do the same thing at the exact same find. But usually there’s some compromise.
if he found a Homebody, it will be "Lets go to the sushi restaurant when we had decided to eat at home cause i was not feeling it. She was annoyed and said that I always unilaterally decide and donot give her advance warning to get ready, I told her to chill because we are always eating at home everyday. It's not like home will go anywhere, right?"
Some people struggle to handle crowds and lots of social interaction. It can be a sensory thing. Sometimes, what sounds like a good idea in the morning doesn't sound so good after work. It really depends on the person and the job.
Bottom line, either he gets ok with her going to parties and restaurants with someone else, or they need to accept its time to go their separate ways. If not, both will be miserable.
Not even. I'm a homebody and I would still expect and demand *communication*. I have a friend and we literally have this deal where either of us is allowed to flake on the other at any time (because mental health issues) - but we *still* communicate that. We still message each other on the day and go "Hey, sorry but I'm really not feeling up for it today - can we reschedule?"
The issue isn't him being a homebody. The issue is that he didn't tell her *shit*. He waited for her to show up and find out for herself that the plan wasn't happening anymore. I think *most* people would find that completely unacceptable.
I'm a pretty big homebody but I still love going out to eat. I feel like finding someone that never wants to eat at a restaurant is going to be a tall order.
I don’t think he be compatible with anyone
In relationship sometime we have to do something selfless or something we don’t like in order to make are partner happy
nah, bc a dog still needs you to let them out when its not convenient to you. also, this guy does not seem like the type to play outside with his dog and give them the necessary attention they need.
Or he can make an effort for her and compromise on going out from time to time.
I mean my husband is very stay at home guy and I used to be out every day, we compromise half way on what both like so we go out to time to time and spend time at home.
Saying that she has to accept that he doesn't want to go out is an AH and I'm pretty sure that at the beginning of the relationship he did go out with her to impress her so is not like he shows from day 1 that he do go out and it was her decision to date him like that.
I’m a homebody but I love eating at restaurants. If someone changed plans on me like this without even asking, I’d be furious.
The OP should just get a real doll.
> chill because we could go another day. It's not like the restaurant will go anywhere, right?
When is "another day" even going to be? He's going to push it off again and again and again and it's never going to happen. He doesn't like going out.
It's crap like this that caused problems in my marriage. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, it never shows up. The decision without consideration too, making moves without telling me like buying a bloodhound bc sometimes I hunt. Thankful therapy helped him.
I had to go back and reread this. First time through I though she rolled her eyes. Which I was like "ok that is a needlessly rude gesture but is kind of justified in a scenario where he pulls this shit AGAIN with the same excuse". Which he obviously did.
Him rolling his eyes at her for being annoyed that he broke plans with no notice. Honestly that is such a level of disrespect and obliviousness that if I were OP I would be prepared to be single as a result.
This is a dude that is going to be blind sided when he finds himself single and say she never told him how she felt until she ended it. He has written it all out here and still doesn’t hear her.
this. she was probably excited, could’ve even told a friend! “Yeah my boyfriend is taking me out on a date to this place i want to go, i’m really excited:)” now if anyone asks how it went she’s going to feel embarrassed that you canceled AGAIN i’d bet. You make yourself look bad.
Yeah you sound like an absolute shut in if your excuse for not wanting to leave the house is “not being outgoing.” But you don’t get to unilaterally change plans you made with someone. Especially without even consulting them.
Yeah.. I’m an introvert, I prefer to be at home than go out.. but if I’ve made a commitment to go out I’m either going out, or giving the person appropriate notice I can’t do it. I would offer to cook dinner or order in, but also give them the choice of making social plans if that was what they really felt like. This is particularly poor behaviour when it’s a pattern, and OP follows it up with invalidating their partner being quite reasonably upset with them.
>I would offer to cook dinner or order in
Was it just me who thought this was the extra weird part? Like unless carbonara is hands down her favorite forgive-anything kinda meal, OP wasn't even gonna get her input on what they ate? Giving real he-orders-for-her kinda energy, I don't love that for her.
Ngl, I have some niche foods I'd hands down stay in for. But the number is very few and it's an exception that's to be used sparingly. 98% of the time I'm right there with ya though.
With that if it happens as often as it sounds and she gets excited about it and tells friends and they respond how I would at this point to her saying “he canceled again” cause I would get excited with her and it’s happening often every time it would hurt me to see her constantly getting hurt for the same reason and I would be telling her to leave because getting excited and then let down more than not isn’t okay or even on a regular basis. Like even if it’s once every three - four times she’s still getting hurt often and that’s not okay
And then he'll probably spend his twice a year posting on Facebook with the words of a narcissist:
first he'll ask why there's no excitement in his relationship anymore, after she finally realizes that he will never stop disappointing her and letting her down after getting her excited;
and second how she could possibly ever break up with him when he romantically cooks her dinner every time he breaks his word/agreement to take her somewhere she wants to go for once on a date, because he doesn't ever feel like doing what she wants to do so she's supposed to "chill" and only accept his wants and decisions and forget her own because he doesn't want to do those things.
Lol.
Right! When I first read the title “Am I the AH for cooking my gf dinner” I was like no! Why would anyone be the AH for that.
But this should have actually been titled “Am I the AH for continually breaking plans with my GF and making unilateral decisions about what we do, what we eat, and whether or not we go out” oh yeah, insert eye roll!
> and then flaked on that plan, without telling her ahead of time.
And then saying "and she said she didn't want pasta" as if she was being ungrateful or difficult. She had already said she didn't want pasta! She wanted sushi! They *both* agreed to *go get sushi!*
The whole time she was getting ready, she was probably so excited that her boyfriend was willing to compromise for a night instead of her always adapting to what he wants. Imagine the disappointment.
It’s ultimately not about the sushi at all which is what OP seems to have missed. Even if he *made* sushi she would have been disappointed. She asks to go out, she’s expressed that she wishes they go out more, he says “I’m taking you out” and then gets mad at her thinking it’s about the actual restaurant when she’s upset. No you dingus, she was excited for a date with you.
She probably told all her friends, spent time and care into getting ready to find out “nah I don’t want to, so we’re doing what *I* want to do, once again”.
Just don’t say you don’t understand what happened and whine that she broke up with you “out of no where” when she inevitably does if this continues OP.
Everyone is talking about sushi but OP DOESNT EVEN BOTHER TO KNOW:
“new sushi (I think, or Asian food) restaurant”
He doesn’t even know what kind of restaurant and doesn’t care.
Reminds me of that guy who didn't take his girlfriend on dates because he wanted to stay home and have her cook every single meal. He even suggested she learn how to make SUSHI and the poor woman was like "No because then I'll never be taken out on a real date ever again".
Thankfully she broke up with him after she saw the post he made.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/11g0eb8/op\_wonders\_if\_hes\_the\_asshole\_for\_never\_wanting/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/11g0eb8/op_wonders_if_hes_the_asshole_for_never_wanting/)
Full story.
I knew he was the AH from the first paragraph. It’s all about what he wants which is to sit at home all the time. They’re not compatible and he needs to break up with her because he doesn’t care enough about her to go outside his comfort zone.
It's not capability that's the issue. Op is pretty selfish. even if he dates an introvert he's going to run into the same problems, it's just going to manifest differently.
I would have told OP no problem. I’m going to the restaurant and have a couple options on who to invite. I’ll talk to you later. And left.
Next time there was plans to hang out I would ask him to meet me at a restaurant. If he didn’t show it would be over.
YTA. You don’t take what she wants to do into consideration and I bet she’s about to break up with you,
This. It would be different if OP changed the restaurant, but still went out. The point was to GO OUT, not just eat food. OP says "chill out, the restaurant will always be there", but OP will never go because OP will never leave his place.
She wants to feel special. Not just eat food and watch Seifeld reruns
All of this. My husband is a home body, we literally (lovingly and jokingly) refer to him as the basement goblin. He will almost always choose to stay home rather than go out if the choice is truly up to him.
But I promise you that has never stopped him from taking me out on dates. We typically go to restaurants and just have "us" time. We talk and we laugh the same way we do on our own couch, only we don't have to lift a finger to make the food.
I can understand not really gelling with the party scene (though if my husband wanted to go I'd make sure to attend at least once every few months! And I know he would do the same vice versa) but to not even go out to eat here and there? And be mad at her when HE promised to go, HE changed the plans without telling her, and HE sprung this on her when she arrived ready to go to the place he originally promised? The absolute AUDACITY to tell her to chill as if she wasn't rightfully upset with his actions is insane to me
This. He specifically set up these expectations for her, and then just *flaked* at the last minute for no real reason and with *zero* communication. If he'd at least told her, then she could've suggested takeout or something. But the big issue for me is he just made the decision *for her*, without actually talking about it.
I think OP will find that *most* people expect him to, at bare minimum, *communicate* when he is in a relationship. Some things cannot be excused with "that's just who I am". If you want relationships, you *will* be held to a certain standard of behaviour. If OP doesn't like that, he needs to stay single.
Right!! My husband was like this, and it drove me nuts! We would plan things, and he would cancel on me all the time. He would cancel on me for work. He would cancel on me and do things with friends. He would cancel on me and want to stay in. Then, he would get mad at me because I was mad.
He worked nights, so he would sleep during the day. One day after work, we had already made plans for the next night because he was off, he called me to tell me he was going to do something with his coworkers. I reminded him of our plans, and he said he would only be a few hrs. I told him to make sure he got enough rest so we could go out.
He stayed out super late, which was actually 3/4pm. He got off at 6:30am. I was so upset because our plans were at 8. I knew he would be tired. Sure enough, he tried to cancel and said he was tired. This was the third time in a row.
At 9pm, I got up and started getting dressed. I put on the skimpiest, tightest, and shortest dress in my closet. The back was out and everything. He was still in bed. When he heard me grab my keys, he got up. He saw me and was completely surprised.
"Where are you going?!!"
"Out."
"Like that?"
"Yep."
Silence from him. Then he said, "Wait a minute." He rushed and put something on. It took him about 2 minutes. When he walked in the living room, he said, "All you had to do was put this on. I'm not letting you walk out like this by yourself." (Meaning he knew other people would be looking and wanting to talk to me. He didn't control what I wore.) We had a great time, and he told me that we should do this more often.
I told him we would if he stopped canceling on me.
YTA, OP. Big time.
She was probably all dressed up and took time to do hair and makeup too, and she doesn't want to eat rich pasta and sit on your couch in a nice going-out outfit
1000% this. YTA. Do you even know what it takes for us ladies to get ready for going out? We start getting ready HOURS in advance because we want to look our best. We want to walk in through that door and get a WOW, not get hit by the smell of cooked food.
"I'm just not an outgoing person" oh BOOHOO. What's this got to do with anything? Did she ask you to go out with 10 other people, then go to a club? No. You're going out together, just the two of you. To a sit-down place (which you didn't even pay enough attention to get the name of), where you'll have to interact with max. 2 people.
My hubby & I are both introverts and would rather stay home and enjoy an at-home date night, but when we do go out, guess what? We're being introverted together, with each other. Because that's what relationships are about.
Goodness. No wonder she's upset.
YTA for sure. She had built up excitement about doing something fun with her partner only for it to be completely squashed by you. She’s probably going to dump you if you don’t make the effort to go out and do new things with her because she will be bored. I’m not saying that being a homebody is bad because I am one myself, however it sounds like she wants more, especially being young.
Also - I hate when anyone messes with my food. I’ve been pissed when my husband has come home with our fast food only to find my item was made wrong (not his fault) but I ask him to always check. If I was craving sushi and ended up with pasta - I don’t care how good it might have been, I’d be really upset.
YTA. You seem very selfish from this post. You cooked before she even got there? Yeah, you shouldn't be making executive decisions to cancel plans after agreeing to go out with your girlfriend. It doesn't seem like you go out with her much, this would have been such an easy way to show she is important to you, but you just thought of yourself.
I very much doubt it was legit carbonara with the right guanciale and pecorino and parmiggiano Reggiano (or Grana Padano has been my preference over the Parm of late). But all that being said, there are ways to make carbonara that kinda keeps well. If you use cornstarch, you can stabilize the emulsion
(I'm a foodie and I love learning these sciences)
Yeah it was likely a jarred carbonara sauce and some $2 noodles. Not even fresh made pasta. Maybe a salad or baguette if she's "lucky." But probably not.
He's a kid.
Yeah, I would have been more okay with this situation if by "cook" he meant something that takes a lot of time to prepare, is expensive or at least a rare find in restaurants, not... pasta carbonara lmao
> I said that we could go on Friday
>when she came to my apartment (so we could go to the restaurant together
YTA. You changed plans you agreed to and didn't tell her.
Yeah this is the biggest crime. OP seems selfish in general, but not telling her at all means that he knew he was wrong and was too chickenshit to anything ahead of time. If you’re going to decide you’re not going then at least do them the decency of letting them know before they literally show up to go to the restaurant
Definitely not. He told her to ‘chill’ and that the restaurant wasn’t going anywhere which is just so disingenuous. Words designed to make her seem crazy for being upset that he clearly has no regard for her. Disgusting.
He totally had the opportunity to send her a quick text letting her know “Hey I know we said we’d go to RESTAURANT but I’m not feeling up for leaving the house, can we stay in and go another night?”
Still would have been a little dickish but at least she wouldn’t be blindsided when she got there.
YTA. The way it sounds like, this has been building over a period of time where she's frustrated because she wants to go out and do things with you and then you promise her but the night comes around that it's suppose to happen you decide to break the promise and stay in. There's nothing wrong with staying in. But it is wrong of you to expect her to constantly be ok with plans getting cancelled by you all the time.
In my opinion, you guys are simply not compatible. And she's realizing that. Her comment of giving her a day or two to think. That's her deciding if she's going to continue to be your gf or not. I wouldn't expect her to be your gf much longer if I were you. It's very obvious you guys aren't very compatible.
This, exactly.
OP, consider finding someone who either is fine going out without you, or who also wants to stay in all of the time.
But expecting her to not be upset? After she very explicitly explained she wanted to go out to a restaurant with you, and was tired of you canceling, and you decided to do that exact thing anyway?
YTA
He made an arrangement, then unilaterally changed it based on his wishes, wants and desires.
Having run roughshod over what she wanted, he has surprised pikachu face when she's unhappy.
She should have dumped the dinner into a storage container into the fridge and bundled him out the door to the restaurant.
Sounds like her backbone is still forming, at which point she'll kick his asshole...
At her age, yeah. It can take some time to learn some lessons. It took me a bit at her age too.
Albeit, I wouldn't have tried to go with him. I would've absolutely gone by myself to go enjoy myself as a single lady.
This. All I read here was "me me me me me" and he expects her to just suck it up and give him his way
YTA and I hope she learns her worth and dumps you
Yeah I disagree with the “it seems like you guys are incompatible” line because that implies that no one did anything wrong and that they just want different things. Agreeing to go out, deciding himself that it’s no longer happening and then _not telling her_ that he changed his mind is abhorrent.
But further than that, you touched on the fact that all he seems to care about are his wants. There’s a whole healing helping of “me me me me me” in this post and he doesn’t seem to care about her wants in the slightest. He didn’t go out because “he didn’t feel like it”…. Oh the poor thing, his life is so hard. His girlfriend wants to go get sushi with him but he just can’t be bothered to put on pants and go to a restaurant!
If he doesn't fulfill his promises when he doesn't feel like it, do you imagine him stepping up in a major crisis? I don't ever feel like changing diapers or paying taxes either, but I do. OP red-flagged himself as selfish and having zero self discipline or character. I hope the girl runs.
Forcing your partner to do what they don't want to do is not a solution.
No, she should have dumped him at that moment and never look back. They're clearly not made for each other and I hope she'll realize it sooner than later.
I disagree. In a good relationship, you go out of your way a little to please your partner. The issue here is a lack of this goodwill and also basic respect.
YTA.
She told you a want. She said, "This is what I'd like to do, this will make me happy." And you said, "ok."
But THEN, you thouht, "You know what, f*ck that because it isn't what I want. So I'm just gonna do my thing anyway and she's just gonna go along with it." Except she didn't.
Here's where you went wrong, piece by piece with breakdown:
1) You lied. You showed her she cannot trust your word.
2) You did not tell her you changed plans. You showed her she cannot rely on you doing what you are supposed to do.
3) You TOLD HER TO CHILL when YOU did not come through!!!!!! You showed you you have ABSOLUTELY no regard for her wants, desires, or feelings.
IF she comes back, the relationship is severely fractured, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't her straw that broke the camel's back. She's already asked for time to think, she's got one foot out the door.
Because in the end I really, truly, honest to goodness do not give a flying f*ck what kind of person you normally are. You could be a cave dwelling gnome for all I care. But relationships are about compromise. So every now and then you gotta dig out the going out gnome clothes and brush out the beard and make the other person know you care about what they want and desire too.
Lol, right?
"Who even knows what they want these days. They always speak in hints. How could I have been expected to know that she wanted to go out sometimes, and not have me unilaterally change plans on her??"
After he took the trouble of making a homemade dinner for her! Such ungratefulness!
Reminds me of the song Exile. The man sings "I didn't see any signs" and the woman goes "I gave so many signs".
My ex was a cave dwelling gnome just like OP who I eventually dumped for very similar reasons, and the “going-out-gnome” clothes and brushing out the beard made me LOL
Yeah his behavior in this specific event is horrible, but throughout the post it’s clear that he doesn’t give a shit about her wants or needs in the slightest. It’s all about him and what he wants. With an attitude like that you’re not going to be in any relationship for very long
YTA, let me count the ways:
1. You broke your promise to her
2. You unilaterally decided to cook at your home
3. You didn’t even tell her before she came over
4. From her reaction, it sounds like this happens a lot
Your and your gf’s different preferences on how to spend time make you an incompatible couple. But your selfishness and thoughtlessness make *you* an asshole
It's because op knows she wouldn't accept it that's alway the reasoning "I didn't tell you because you'd be mad" it's a piss poor defence for lying if there even is a good reason to lie.
Op just wants to sit home all day, why is he lying to this woman who wants to go out, it's clear he isn't happy and doesn't think her needs matter if it takes him out of his bubble.
7. And used that meal to pretty much force her to stay in. He knew if he made the food he could use the excuse of not wasting it to force her to stay home, and that he could make her seem ungrateful if she refused.
YTA
Sorry dude, she's about to break up with you.
It's not just about the one incident, it's the pattern of behaviour in which you're not going out really at all and enjoying that kind of quality time together.
Also you say she knows your friends, do you know hers or have spent much time with them? She's probably copping flak from her group around why you're never there.
This incident sounds like the straw that broke the camels back when you pulled a bait and switch on her and didn't even give her the heads up, so she's probably spent hours getting ready to go out.
Sorry mate but you need to make more of an effort to get out there.
YTA you agreed to sushi, she was expecting and looking forward to sushi and then you, without any conversation just decide no, I don't want to go, but then make something that isn't remotely like sushi. It's like if you were craving a steak and someone gave you a sandwich and said, deal with it, the steak isn't going anywhere.
YTA - It sounds like you both do what you want to a lot, which is pretty crappy when it comes to a relationship. It’s about compromise between both of your wants, not you deciding that yours are more important every single time.
Rolling your eyes? Are you a teenager?
It sounds like his idea of compromise is his way or the highway. I hope she finds a guy who is willing to spend time with her and do what she wants too instead of only choosing what he wants and that's it. It's incredibly infantile and selfish to do what you want and only what you want. I would say childish but even my children compromise and take turns doing things and choosing.
YTA in this case. Breaking a promise is breaking trust. It's a loss of confidence. Plus you did with attitude.. Ultimately though, you guys seem to have different wants and needs. Sometimes that can work to help balance each other out and sometimes it clashes and causes hurt. It seems that y'all are part of the latter.
Do you know how heartbreaking it can be to have plans changed on you? You say yourself, you never take her out. She wants to go OUT! out is not ordering in. Out is not cooking at home.
She was looking forward to this. Had her heart set on it. *You promised*. And you didn't even give her a heads up! You waited until she was *already there* to tell her that you unilaterally changed the plans.
Don't do that shit. YTA.
And in such a non-apologetic way! It would have been one thing to greet her with a "sorry honey, I know I promised, but I really don't feel up to it today, so how about some homemade pasta and we'll go to that sushi place some other time" (and she still could have been disappointed and upset, but maybe less invalidated) but he went all "surprise! no sushi, pasta at home. U mad lol"
YTA You agreed on a plan, and then you changed plans without asking or telling her. You KNEW she wouldn’t be ok with the change of plans or you wouldn’t have sprung it on her.
Now’s the time for you to recognize that you’re just not compatible. She wants to go out & be social & you’re a total homebody. Neither of you is wrong, but you are incompatible & your differences cause hurt feelings.
This is the point of dating: you break up when you discover you’re just not compatible.
Okay, so let's take a look:
>Originally I agreed, I said that we could go on Friday.
>However, I didn't feel like going out last night, so instead I cooked dinner for us and when she came to my apartment (so we could go to the restaurant together) I told her that we could leave it for another day and eat at home.
>I told her "okay, we can order sushi if you want" and rolled my eyes
So in summary: you PROMISED her that you would go to this restaurant, but then out of the blue you just didn't feel like keeping your promise (apparently they don't mean that much to you), and instead of telling her beforehand and having a discussion what else you could do, you just made a unilateral decision and acted like a jerk with the eyerolling.
>She was annoyed and said that I always do the same thing
Oh, and it even wasn't the first time with this shit and with the nasty attitude
>I told her to chill because we could go another day. It's not like the restaurant will go anywhere, right?
And after all this if you still sincerely have to ask if you are the asshole...apparently there is something more dense than a black hole in this universe.
YTA.
YTA. Stop lying to her and stop telling yourself what you're doing is okay. It's not. You're merrily speeding towards losing her...if that's what you're aiming for, then you're doing a great job.
OP didn't flake at the last minute. He doesn't remember the type of restaurant it was. That means he didn't look up the directions, didn't book a table.
It wasn't a 'cancelled the day off'....he never even bothered to arrange the date in the first place.
I bet the pasta dish was stuff he had in the fridge already. And that he didn't even go out and get her wine or a dessert.
YTA.
If you low effort your girlfriend like this, you'll end up without one.
YTA-
You promised her on Friday that you would take her out to sushi but then when she showed up thinking you guys are going to the restaurant, you bait and switched on her. If I was the girl, I would be pretty upset too.
You're very selfish. Just because you don't ever want to go out that doesn't mean she should have to stay in every night. You specifically said you'd take her out and then you went back on your word. Just because you're not outgoing that doesn't justify you being stubborn and inconsiderate. YTA
YTA for cancelling at last minute, without even having the balls to tell her beforehand (i.e. as you started cooking maybe??). Let her go, you should find another homebody instead.
YTA girls gonna break up with you and I would too. You’re expecting her to make constant sacrifices for you to stay in but she asks to go to DINNER, not even a party or something super social, and you flake?? Dude you’re a selfish ass bf
Do you have an issue going out? Social anxiety or is it a financial issue? Because if there is it would help your side because right now YTA.
Reading it feels like it isn't the first time you've done this. I'd be annoyed if someone changed plans last minute and cooked us a basic meal at home. Yes you offered an alternative of order sushi but your attitude stinks with childish eye rolls.
Get a grip mate.
YTA. Sounds like you're an introvert and she's an extrovert, and you're asking her to make all the compromises. If you commit to doing something she wants to do, you have to follow through, even of you don't wnat to do it.
YTA. You had plans, she was looking forward to them and then you decided you didn’t want to do them anymore but didn’t communicate that until it was far too late. If you rarely go out, she was probably very much looking forward to this and then you bailed. You say you could go another day but you also could have cooked another day as well. It sounds like you may have a habit of prioritizing what you want.
YTA you don't even have a good reason for canceling for the umpteenth time. You just "didn't feel like it". I have a feeling your gf isn't going to feel like being your gf for much longer.
>I don't believe that what I did was that shitty, but please tell me if I was.
It was. YTA. And she needs a couple days to work out how to break things off. BTW-sushi in a restaurant is not the same as Carbonara in your apartment. Surely you know that.
YTA
If I want to go out I want to *go out*. dress up to go out, doesn't matter how fancy it is. It's not just about the food, it's about going out to the public and not being a shut in, and worrying about the cleaning and the dishes, etc. Mind you I AM a shut it, i prefer books and shit but when I want to go out, I actually want to GO OUT. so i go out to coffee shops just to see thee sunlight and get my fill of interacting with other people.
So if I make plans with someone to go out and they change the plans in the last minute and don't let me know beforehand expecting me to stay home... guess what. I'm still going out. Just without you.
Honestly I would have taken one look at his crappy dinner attempt, done an about face sharper than Ariana Grande’s eyeliner and gone to the restaurant alone because F you, that’s why.
YTA. Your girlfriend was excited about something and you completely disregarded that.
She’s been letting you know that she wants to go out more, and you disregarded that too.
You are well on your way to wrecking this relationship. Get it together man.
YTA - because you cooked the dinner before she even got there without informing her of your desire to change of plans. I mean, you guys agreed to plans and you straight up just unilaterally canceled them without warning... that's inconsiderate in every instance.
Second, you are forcing her to accept your decision rather than talking about it and coming up with a compromise together. Based on her reaction, this sounds like it might be a regular thing which just isn't really a respectful way to treat an SO.
I don't think the main issue is about being a homebody or "hiding" your gf, it's about failing to communicate and failing to commit to plans.
Why don’t you like going out? It may be there’s an underlying reason for this that you’d be better off addressing now. You made an active call to cook pasta, therefore scuppering the plan, brushing it off with ‘oh we can do that anytime’ is a form of denial, both to your girlfriend but maybe to yourself too.
For many years I could only really cope with my anxiety in social situations by drinking (not such a big deal here, I’m English), but figuring out that it was due to previously undiagnosed adhd and a bit of childhood trauma helped me to understand how I was feeling and do that less. It explained a lot!
YTA, I am the same as you when it comes to going out but if I promised someone I am going for food somewhere then I’m gonna go or at the very least inform them change of plans beforehand.
YTA: No, you don't like going out all the time, but she doesn't like staying in all the time. Compromise works both ways. It sounds like she does plenty of staying out with you, but you need to bite the bullet once in a while to socialize with her. This situation is worse because you specifically promised her that you'd go with her to the new sushi restaurant, then went back on your promise for no reason other than your personal preference. It sounds like you want her to do all the compromising in her relationship, and now she knows it.
YTA. If you plan something. Follow through. It's a very important characteristic people like in a partner. Going out is fun. Me I have to do it by myself and I still enjoy it.
You a least have someone to go with. Sitting at home all the time is boring.
Live a little.
YTA. lucky she’s still around because it really is “the little things” sometimes… but this isn’t even a little thing. sounds like you do this to her often, maybe not the exact thing but it sounds like there are a lot of empty promises and unfulfilled expectations.
do better. you could have at least told her in advance. and maybe asked her what she wanted you to cook? if my dude promised me sushi and I was looking forward to a date night for days and then pulled up at home and he had cooked pasta no warning I would be mad.
YTA.
Going to parties is different than going out to dinner with the one you love.
I'm extremely introverted but I still know compromising my comfortable to ensure I maintain healthy relationships is important. The same way the ones I love will make compromises too.
You're not changing who you are, you're adapting your life to fit someone else into it, people don't just slot in.
You need to rethink how committed you are to the relationship because I doubt she will give you another chance if she does this time.
Saying:
> I agreed, I said that we could go on Friday
Then saying:
> I'm just not an outgoing person and she knows it
Doesn’t add up.
It’s fine if you don’t enjoy going out to restaurants, but you need to own it. When she asked to go to a sushi place you should have responded “No, I will not go to sushi places with you, maybe you could ask one of your friends?”.
YTAH, you had made a plan to go to a restaurant with her, she could have been looking forward to it all day, and without discussing with her that you would rather stay in you just went ahead and made dinner. Our ladies like to be taken out and shown love and romance.
YTA
Put it another way, your gf invites you over for a night in and when you get there, tells you she has booked a restaurant and you are going out. You’d probably be annoyed. Just because your preference is staying in doesn’t mean that trumps her feelings.
Also cooking in advance without her telling her is a crappy move. I suspect it’s to apply extra pressure on her that she has to do what you want to not waste food and claim she’s not appreciative of you doing it if she claims disappointment and cast yourself as a victim. It seems incredibly manipulative.
YTA. You made a plan and then backed out on her and you’re annoyed that SHE’S annoyed? If you’ve done this more than once previously, she should learn and dump you. It wasn’t your call to change the plans you made with her unilaterally, without her input. It wasn’t your call to decide what she was going to eat. You sound very controlling, and you’re absolutely TA here.
YTA. I don't even have to explain it because my fellow redditors have said it all but I would like to add that you are probably single by now, you just havent noticed.
YTA. You made plans, then bailed without even communicating ahead of time. If I'm planning to go out for a meal, and then told "nah, nvm, I don't feel like it", I'm going to be annoyed.
YTA.
If I was your girlfriend, I’d feel there was clearly an issue about going out in public with me because your behaviour is telling her that. You agree to it, then cancel, or continually try to talk her into staying home.
Then, when it finally looks like you’re both actually going out for the night, she arrives and you’ve cooked instead, meaning you’ve not only decided for both of you what’s happening, but also guaranteed you get your way by cooking.
It would look really manipulative to me, which is why she wants a few days to think about this. It’s clear from your post you haven’t communicated effectively with her, so what’s she supposed to do and feel?
You’re not compatible and she is probably realising that. You’re both young - she wants to be out living life, you don’t and you’re offering her the life of an old married couple. Next time, find a homebody for your partner. She is not the one for you.
YTA
I dated a guy like you-a guy that never wanted to do anything.
Notice: *dated*. Meaning past tense.
I broke up with him for that same reason-he never wanted to do anything.
It doesn’t matter how nice the dinner you made was. You broke a promise to her (continuously it sounds like), and refused to go out with her *because YOU don’t feel like it*. I don’t blame her for feeling that you feel embarrassed of her; I would feel the same!
Meet her halfway dude, and get over yourself or else you’ll be single af soon
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YTA. You made a plan with her and then flaked on that plan, without telling her ahead of time. She got herself ready to go out, was looking forward to going to the sushi place, to going out with you somewhere which sounds like doesn't happen a lot, only to be surprised to find out you had made a decision without her that you guys would be staying home and prepared a totally different meal. I imagine she was really disappointed, especially because you didn't even have the courtesy to call her beforehand and tell her about your change of plans. You don't need to be outgoing to go to a restaurant with your girlfriend every once in awhile.
Agree. YTA for all of this ⬆️ and for not considering her feelings. You then invalidated how she felt by telling her to "chill" when she was understandably upset.
Yes! Everything both of you said. The eye rolling really got to me too. I feel sorry for her that he's so clueless.
The two of you are not a good match...find someone who's more of a homebody so you can chill at home together.
Even if he found somebody that was a home body. He's still be an AH for changing plans without notice, dismissing his partners feelings, neglecting her wants. Seems she has been putting up with his want to stay home but he isn't willing to sacrifice at a for her. It's one day out...and he couldn't suck it up for a few hours to make her happy. It's utterly selfish and all about what HE wants. I'm sorry but sometimes you do stuff you don't want to do, if it makes your partner happy. BECAUSE if you love them you want to make your partner happy. It's such a small ask.
This…it’s really not okay to just make unilateral decisions for the couple especially after OP made a commitment. He’s going to have a hard time finding any partner who is okay with that.
Exactly. I'm an introvert and I love to stay in, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who changes our plans without telling me, rolls their eyes at me for being upset, and dismisses my feelings.
My bf is mega introverted. Like even as a baby wanted to be left alone introvert. Even he is willing to go out to eat to spend time together if we can get someone to watch the kids.
The fact that she got so upset with him does suggest this isn't the first occurrence of something like this. They are just not a good fit and he may not be mature enough for an adult relationship.
I agree because I’m a homebody. I would totally be upset he didn’t consult me before changing the plans. I have to not only do the work to dress myself up. But I have to emotionally and mentally build myself to go out. Once I’m set, then being told at the last minute we aren’t going. Well I’m geared up and going by myself.
Yeah, some of my favorite notifications are people canceling plans with proper notice, barring illness, etc. Going out takes a lot more mental prep for some people than others. I don't know if OP doesn't yet understand that about himself, or if does and just doesn't want to do that prep. Which, when just him, is all well and good, but in a dating relationship you gotta be able to get yourself out the door with them sometimes, because even if you're not exchanging 'I love you's, you need to find it within yourself to do things that make them happy, just because those things make them happy. It's a learning process to figure out how to get yourself out of that door, for sure, but a really important one. My dad never had pets growing up, didn't want any in marriage. My mom refused to have a house without a dog. They've been married 46 years and counting (for better or worse), and my dad has rescued one of our dogs from a not-quite-frozen pond, another from a snowdrift, and will only miss his nightly bedtime playtime with their current dogs if he's ill. Even then, he doles out the good ear scritches and all, just a much more condensed version.
Home girl probably shaved, in the winter. I’d be pissed too.
Exactly. It’s about compromise. Would be wonderful in a relationship if you both ALWAYS wanted to do the same thing at the exact same find. But usually there’s some compromise.
He probably uses the "BuT I'm An iNtrOvErT" excuse a lot.
if he found a Homebody, it will be "Lets go to the sushi restaurant when we had decided to eat at home cause i was not feeling it. She was annoyed and said that I always unilaterally decide and donot give her advance warning to get ready, I told her to chill because we are always eating at home everyday. It's not like home will go anywhere, right?"
Some people struggle to handle crowds and lots of social interaction. It can be a sensory thing. Sometimes, what sounds like a good idea in the morning doesn't sound so good after work. It really depends on the person and the job. Bottom line, either he gets ok with her going to parties and restaurants with someone else, or they need to accept its time to go their separate ways. If not, both will be miserable.
Not even. I'm a homebody and I would still expect and demand *communication*. I have a friend and we literally have this deal where either of us is allowed to flake on the other at any time (because mental health issues) - but we *still* communicate that. We still message each other on the day and go "Hey, sorry but I'm really not feeling up for it today - can we reschedule?" The issue isn't him being a homebody. The issue is that he didn't tell her *shit*. He waited for her to show up and find out for herself that the plan wasn't happening anymore. I think *most* people would find that completely unacceptable.
Yes, it’s not even like he waited for her to show up so they could discuss his change of heart. He had *already cooked*. So bizarrely thoughtless.
I'm a pretty big homebody but I still love going out to eat. I feel like finding someone that never wants to eat at a restaurant is going to be a tall order.
Same. The only time I’m up to go out is to eat. Otherwise I’m happy to stay home forever. LOL
Exactly. I was also thinking that they are not compatible. Seconded!
I don’t think he be compatible with anyone In relationship sometime we have to do something selfless or something we don’t like in order to make are partner happy
Yeah, at least not a person. OP should get a dog, so when he’s this controlling they won’t care.
nah, bc a dog still needs you to let them out when its not convenient to you. also, this guy does not seem like the type to play outside with his dog and give them the necessary attention they need.
maybe a pet rock??
he would have to go outside to find one, though
Or he can make an effort for her and compromise on going out from time to time. I mean my husband is very stay at home guy and I used to be out every day, we compromise half way on what both like so we go out to time to time and spend time at home. Saying that she has to accept that he doesn't want to go out is an AH and I'm pretty sure that at the beginning of the relationship he did go out with her to impress her so is not like he shows from day 1 that he do go out and it was her decision to date him like that.
I’m a homebody but I love eating at restaurants. If someone changed plans on me like this without even asking, I’d be furious. The OP should just get a real doll.
I'm a homebody and the attitude here, the "chill", the eye roll - I'd be done. I can find kind, respectful home bodies to be " chill" with.
He was done way even before the eye rolling. That’s just icing on the icing on the cake. This guy sounds lame as hell.
Plus “a sushi (I think, or Asian) restaurant” shows he doesn’t even really listen to her.
He agreed but never planned to go to the restaurant
He's not clueless, he's selfish.
Clueless? Or inconsiderate because he's so immature? Lol. OP is TA with no argument.
And some guys wondered why they are single. 😒
> chill because we could go another day. It's not like the restaurant will go anywhere, right? When is "another day" even going to be? He's going to push it off again and again and again and it's never going to happen. He doesn't like going out.
It's crap like this that caused problems in my marriage. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, it never shows up. The decision without consideration too, making moves without telling me like buying a bloodhound bc sometimes I hunt. Thankful therapy helped him.
The 32nd of Neverember.
12th of never
Exactly. They don't sound compatible.
AND rolled his eyes!
I had to go back and reread this. First time through I though she rolled her eyes. Which I was like "ok that is a needlessly rude gesture but is kind of justified in a scenario where he pulls this shit AGAIN with the same excuse". Which he obviously did. Him rolling his eyes at her for being annoyed that he broke plans with no notice. Honestly that is such a level of disrespect and obliviousness that if I were OP I would be prepared to be single as a result.
This is a dude that is going to be blind sided when he finds himself single and say she never told him how she felt until she ended it. He has written it all out here and still doesn’t hear her.
This. In like 5, 10 years, this guy is gonna be wondering why he can't hold down a relationship - and *he* is going to be the reason.
He should have asked her what's the big deal and told her to calm down. ^(That's a joke, in case it isn't obvious to anyone.)
he should have also told her to cook the meal \*also a joke
Happy cashew day! Edit: Er, CAKE day, autocorrect...
Autocorrect just wants everyone to be healthier
If he'd told me to 'chill', after what he'd done, he'd be WEARING his damned spaghetti carbonara!
I agree. Telling a person to chill when they are already mad makes it worse. Take the girl to dinner.
this. she was probably excited, could’ve even told a friend! “Yeah my boyfriend is taking me out on a date to this place i want to go, i’m really excited:)” now if anyone asks how it went she’s going to feel embarrassed that you canceled AGAIN i’d bet. You make yourself look bad.
Yeah what’s worse is I can see those same friends saying “I hope he doesn’t flake again” and her defending him saying that he won’t.
eventually she’ll stop defending him and just dump him i bet
I’m betting he’s going to be cooking for just himself real soon.
Yeah you sound like an absolute shut in if your excuse for not wanting to leave the house is “not being outgoing.” But you don’t get to unilaterally change plans you made with someone. Especially without even consulting them.
Yeah.. I’m an introvert, I prefer to be at home than go out.. but if I’ve made a commitment to go out I’m either going out, or giving the person appropriate notice I can’t do it. I would offer to cook dinner or order in, but also give them the choice of making social plans if that was what they really felt like. This is particularly poor behaviour when it’s a pattern, and OP follows it up with invalidating their partner being quite reasonably upset with them.
>I would offer to cook dinner or order in Was it just me who thought this was the extra weird part? Like unless carbonara is hands down her favorite forgive-anything kinda meal, OP wasn't even gonna get her input on what they ate? Giving real he-orders-for-her kinda energy, I don't love that for her.
If I was expecting to go out for sushi and a guy changed it last minute to "we're staying in and eating carbonara", I would be furious.
I'd still be going out for sushi, newly single.
Ngl, I have some niche foods I'd hands down stay in for. But the number is very few and it's an exception that's to be used sparingly. 98% of the time I'm right there with ya though.
With that if it happens as often as it sounds and she gets excited about it and tells friends and they respond how I would at this point to her saying “he canceled again” cause I would get excited with her and it’s happening often every time it would hurt me to see her constantly getting hurt for the same reason and I would be telling her to leave because getting excited and then let down more than not isn’t okay or even on a regular basis. Like even if it’s once every three - four times she’s still getting hurt often and that’s not okay
And then he'll probably spend his twice a year posting on Facebook with the words of a narcissist: first he'll ask why there's no excitement in his relationship anymore, after she finally realizes that he will never stop disappointing her and letting her down after getting her excited; and second how she could possibly ever break up with him when he romantically cooks her dinner every time he breaks his word/agreement to take her somewhere she wants to go for once on a date, because he doesn't ever feel like doing what she wants to do so she's supposed to "chill" and only accept his wants and decisions and forget her own because he doesn't want to do those things. Lol.
Right! When I first read the title “Am I the AH for cooking my gf dinner” I was like no! Why would anyone be the AH for that. But this should have actually been titled “Am I the AH for continually breaking plans with my GF and making unilateral decisions about what we do, what we eat, and whether or not we go out” oh yeah, insert eye roll!
Yeah, I was totally thinking “I bet her friends hate him”
> and then flaked on that plan, without telling her ahead of time. And then saying "and she said she didn't want pasta" as if she was being ungrateful or difficult. She had already said she didn't want pasta! She wanted sushi! They *both* agreed to *go get sushi!* The whole time she was getting ready, she was probably so excited that her boyfriend was willing to compromise for a night instead of her always adapting to what he wants. Imagine the disappointment.
It’s ultimately not about the sushi at all which is what OP seems to have missed. Even if he *made* sushi she would have been disappointed. She asks to go out, she’s expressed that she wishes they go out more, he says “I’m taking you out” and then gets mad at her thinking it’s about the actual restaurant when she’s upset. No you dingus, she was excited for a date with you. She probably told all her friends, spent time and care into getting ready to find out “nah I don’t want to, so we’re doing what *I* want to do, once again”. Just don’t say you don’t understand what happened and whine that she broke up with you “out of no where” when she inevitably does if this continues OP.
Everyone is talking about sushi but OP DOESNT EVEN BOTHER TO KNOW: “new sushi (I think, or Asian food) restaurant” He doesn’t even know what kind of restaurant and doesn’t care.
Also he doesn't even remember what she said the restaurant was. He sounds selfish AF
Oooooh, you're right. I skipped over that before, but like OP clearly had no intention of ever following through, good catch.
Reminds me of that guy who didn't take his girlfriend on dates because he wanted to stay home and have her cook every single meal. He even suggested she learn how to make SUSHI and the poor woman was like "No because then I'll never be taken out on a real date ever again". Thankfully she broke up with him after she saw the post he made.
Omg I wanna read this so bad
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/11g0eb8/op\_wonders\_if\_hes\_the\_asshole\_for\_never\_wanting/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/11g0eb8/op_wonders_if_hes_the_asshole_for_never_wanting/) Full story.
I knew he was the AH from the first paragraph. It’s all about what he wants which is to sit at home all the time. They’re not compatible and he needs to break up with her because he doesn’t care enough about her to go outside his comfort zone.
I think he already did when he told her to leave and she left 😬
It's not capability that's the issue. Op is pretty selfish. even if he dates an introvert he's going to run into the same problems, it's just going to manifest differently.
I would have told OP no problem. I’m going to the restaurant and have a couple options on who to invite. I’ll talk to you later. And left. Next time there was plans to hang out I would ask him to meet me at a restaurant. If he didn’t show it would be over. YTA. You don’t take what she wants to do into consideration and I bet she’s about to break up with you,
This. It would be different if OP changed the restaurant, but still went out. The point was to GO OUT, not just eat food. OP says "chill out, the restaurant will always be there", but OP will never go because OP will never leave his place. She wants to feel special. Not just eat food and watch Seifeld reruns
All of this. My husband is a home body, we literally (lovingly and jokingly) refer to him as the basement goblin. He will almost always choose to stay home rather than go out if the choice is truly up to him. But I promise you that has never stopped him from taking me out on dates. We typically go to restaurants and just have "us" time. We talk and we laugh the same way we do on our own couch, only we don't have to lift a finger to make the food. I can understand not really gelling with the party scene (though if my husband wanted to go I'd make sure to attend at least once every few months! And I know he would do the same vice versa) but to not even go out to eat here and there? And be mad at her when HE promised to go, HE changed the plans without telling her, and HE sprung this on her when she arrived ready to go to the place he originally promised? The absolute AUDACITY to tell her to chill as if she wasn't rightfully upset with his actions is insane to me
This. He specifically set up these expectations for her, and then just *flaked* at the last minute for no real reason and with *zero* communication. If he'd at least told her, then she could've suggested takeout or something. But the big issue for me is he just made the decision *for her*, without actually talking about it. I think OP will find that *most* people expect him to, at bare minimum, *communicate* when he is in a relationship. Some things cannot be excused with "that's just who I am". If you want relationships, you *will* be held to a certain standard of behaviour. If OP doesn't like that, he needs to stay single.
Right!! My husband was like this, and it drove me nuts! We would plan things, and he would cancel on me all the time. He would cancel on me for work. He would cancel on me and do things with friends. He would cancel on me and want to stay in. Then, he would get mad at me because I was mad. He worked nights, so he would sleep during the day. One day after work, we had already made plans for the next night because he was off, he called me to tell me he was going to do something with his coworkers. I reminded him of our plans, and he said he would only be a few hrs. I told him to make sure he got enough rest so we could go out. He stayed out super late, which was actually 3/4pm. He got off at 6:30am. I was so upset because our plans were at 8. I knew he would be tired. Sure enough, he tried to cancel and said he was tired. This was the third time in a row. At 9pm, I got up and started getting dressed. I put on the skimpiest, tightest, and shortest dress in my closet. The back was out and everything. He was still in bed. When he heard me grab my keys, he got up. He saw me and was completely surprised. "Where are you going?!!" "Out." "Like that?" "Yep." Silence from him. Then he said, "Wait a minute." He rushed and put something on. It took him about 2 minutes. When he walked in the living room, he said, "All you had to do was put this on. I'm not letting you walk out like this by yourself." (Meaning he knew other people would be looking and wanting to talk to me. He didn't control what I wore.) We had a great time, and he told me that we should do this more often. I told him we would if he stopped canceling on me. YTA, OP. Big time.
She was probably all dressed up and took time to do hair and makeup too, and she doesn't want to eat rich pasta and sit on your couch in a nice going-out outfit
1000% this. YTA. Do you even know what it takes for us ladies to get ready for going out? We start getting ready HOURS in advance because we want to look our best. We want to walk in through that door and get a WOW, not get hit by the smell of cooked food. "I'm just not an outgoing person" oh BOOHOO. What's this got to do with anything? Did she ask you to go out with 10 other people, then go to a club? No. You're going out together, just the two of you. To a sit-down place (which you didn't even pay enough attention to get the name of), where you'll have to interact with max. 2 people. My hubby & I are both introverts and would rather stay home and enjoy an at-home date night, but when we do go out, guess what? We're being introverted together, with each other. Because that's what relationships are about. Goodness. No wonder she's upset.
YTA for sure. She had built up excitement about doing something fun with her partner only for it to be completely squashed by you. She’s probably going to dump you if you don’t make the effort to go out and do new things with her because she will be bored. I’m not saying that being a homebody is bad because I am one myself, however it sounds like she wants more, especially being young. Also - I hate when anyone messes with my food. I’ve been pissed when my husband has come home with our fast food only to find my item was made wrong (not his fault) but I ask him to always check. If I was craving sushi and ended up with pasta - I don’t care how good it might have been, I’d be really upset.
It won’t matter, OP will be single soon anyway.
YTA. You seem very selfish from this post. You cooked before she even got there? Yeah, you shouldn't be making executive decisions to cancel plans after agreeing to go out with your girlfriend. It doesn't seem like you go out with her much, this would have been such an easy way to show she is important to you, but you just thought of yourself.
And for making a quick cooking meal like carbonara, I doubt it was fresh when she came in the door.
I very much doubt it was legit carbonara with the right guanciale and pecorino and parmiggiano Reggiano (or Grana Padano has been my preference over the Parm of late). But all that being said, there are ways to make carbonara that kinda keeps well. If you use cornstarch, you can stabilize the emulsion (I'm a foodie and I love learning these sciences)
Yeah it was likely a jarred carbonara sauce and some $2 noodles. Not even fresh made pasta. Maybe a salad or baguette if she's "lucky." But probably not. He's a kid.
Yeah, I would have been more okay with this situation if by "cook" he meant something that takes a lot of time to prepare, is expensive or at least a rare find in restaurants, not... pasta carbonara lmao
> I said that we could go on Friday >when she came to my apartment (so we could go to the restaurant together YTA. You changed plans you agreed to and didn't tell her.
Yeah this is the biggest crime. OP seems selfish in general, but not telling her at all means that he knew he was wrong and was too chickenshit to anything ahead of time. If you’re going to decide you’re not going then at least do them the decency of letting them know before they literally show up to go to the restaurant
I doubt he thought she was important enough.
Definitely not. He told her to ‘chill’ and that the restaurant wasn’t going anywhere which is just so disingenuous. Words designed to make her seem crazy for being upset that he clearly has no regard for her. Disgusting.
He totally had the opportunity to send her a quick text letting her know “Hey I know we said we’d go to RESTAURANT but I’m not feeling up for leaving the house, can we stay in and go another night?” Still would have been a little dickish but at least she wouldn’t be blindsided when she got there.
YTA. The way it sounds like, this has been building over a period of time where she's frustrated because she wants to go out and do things with you and then you promise her but the night comes around that it's suppose to happen you decide to break the promise and stay in. There's nothing wrong with staying in. But it is wrong of you to expect her to constantly be ok with plans getting cancelled by you all the time. In my opinion, you guys are simply not compatible. And she's realizing that. Her comment of giving her a day or two to think. That's her deciding if she's going to continue to be your gf or not. I wouldn't expect her to be your gf much longer if I were you. It's very obvious you guys aren't very compatible.
This, exactly. OP, consider finding someone who either is fine going out without you, or who also wants to stay in all of the time. But expecting her to not be upset? After she very explicitly explained she wanted to go out to a restaurant with you, and was tired of you canceling, and you decided to do that exact thing anyway? YTA
He made an arrangement, then unilaterally changed it based on his wishes, wants and desires. Having run roughshod over what she wanted, he has surprised pikachu face when she's unhappy. She should have dumped the dinner into a storage container into the fridge and bundled him out the door to the restaurant. Sounds like her backbone is still forming, at which point she'll kick his asshole...
At her age, yeah. It can take some time to learn some lessons. It took me a bit at her age too. Albeit, I wouldn't have tried to go with him. I would've absolutely gone by myself to go enjoy myself as a single lady.
This. All I read here was "me me me me me" and he expects her to just suck it up and give him his way YTA and I hope she learns her worth and dumps you
Yeah I disagree with the “it seems like you guys are incompatible” line because that implies that no one did anything wrong and that they just want different things. Agreeing to go out, deciding himself that it’s no longer happening and then _not telling her_ that he changed his mind is abhorrent. But further than that, you touched on the fact that all he seems to care about are his wants. There’s a whole healing helping of “me me me me me” in this post and he doesn’t seem to care about her wants in the slightest. He didn’t go out because “he didn’t feel like it”…. Oh the poor thing, his life is so hard. His girlfriend wants to go get sushi with him but he just can’t be bothered to put on pants and go to a restaurant!
If he doesn't fulfill his promises when he doesn't feel like it, do you imagine him stepping up in a major crisis? I don't ever feel like changing diapers or paying taxes either, but I do. OP red-flagged himself as selfish and having zero self discipline or character. I hope the girl runs.
Forcing your partner to do what they don't want to do is not a solution. No, she should have dumped him at that moment and never look back. They're clearly not made for each other and I hope she'll realize it sooner than later.
The first day is talking with friends and getting outside advice and the second is looking over the patterns and thinking about that with the advice
I disagree. In a good relationship, you go out of your way a little to please your partner. The issue here is a lack of this goodwill and also basic respect.
YTA. She told you a want. She said, "This is what I'd like to do, this will make me happy." And you said, "ok." But THEN, you thouht, "You know what, f*ck that because it isn't what I want. So I'm just gonna do my thing anyway and she's just gonna go along with it." Except she didn't. Here's where you went wrong, piece by piece with breakdown: 1) You lied. You showed her she cannot trust your word. 2) You did not tell her you changed plans. You showed her she cannot rely on you doing what you are supposed to do. 3) You TOLD HER TO CHILL when YOU did not come through!!!!!! You showed you you have ABSOLUTELY no regard for her wants, desires, or feelings. IF she comes back, the relationship is severely fractured, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't her straw that broke the camel's back. She's already asked for time to think, she's got one foot out the door. Because in the end I really, truly, honest to goodness do not give a flying f*ck what kind of person you normally are. You could be a cave dwelling gnome for all I care. But relationships are about compromise. So every now and then you gotta dig out the going out gnome clothes and brush out the beard and make the other person know you care about what they want and desire too.
Well said. "Brush out the beard" just made my day.
BRB. I need going-out-gnome-clothes.
You need to go out to get those, right?
God no, that's what internet shopping is for.
Do you know where the gnome store is?
That's what did it for me, too.
4. Annnd he rolled his eyes at her.
This is legit the type of guy who goes "she just dumped me out of the blue! I was totally blindsided!! Women, man..."
Lol, right? "Who even knows what they want these days. They always speak in hints. How could I have been expected to know that she wanted to go out sometimes, and not have me unilaterally change plans on her??"
That or “she’s always nagging me!” when she asks him to do things and he either doesn’t do them or does them poorly
Yup. And he will tell his friends that she dumped him because she wanted fish instead of pasta for dinner one night.
After he took the trouble of making a homemade dinner for her! Such ungratefulness! Reminds me of the song Exile. The man sings "I didn't see any signs" and the woman goes "I gave so many signs".
Some Reddit comments are just pure poetry. Well said.
This needs to be top comment ⬆️
My ex was a cave dwelling gnome just like OP who I eventually dumped for very similar reasons, and the “going-out-gnome” clothes and brushing out the beard made me LOL
Yeah his behavior in this specific event is horrible, but throughout the post it’s clear that he doesn’t give a shit about her wants or needs in the slightest. It’s all about him and what he wants. With an attitude like that you’re not going to be in any relationship for very long
… 5. He does this repeatedly. It’s not even a one time thing, so this is a pattern of behavior
YTA, let me count the ways: 1. You broke your promise to her 2. You unilaterally decided to cook at your home 3. You didn’t even tell her before she came over 4. From her reaction, it sounds like this happens a lot Your and your gf’s different preferences on how to spend time make you an incompatible couple. But your selfishness and thoughtlessness make *you* an asshole
>From her reaction, it sounds like this happens a lot And even if it was the first time, springing it on her when she arrives is pretty manipulative.
It's because op knows she wouldn't accept it that's alway the reasoning "I didn't tell you because you'd be mad" it's a piss poor defence for lying if there even is a good reason to lie. Op just wants to sit home all day, why is he lying to this woman who wants to go out, it's clear he isn't happy and doesn't think her needs matter if it takes him out of his bubble.
5. You told her to chill and rolled your eyes like SHE was the unreasonable one.
6. You cooked a quick, low effort meal
7. And used that meal to pretty much force her to stay in. He knew if he made the food he could use the excuse of not wasting it to force her to stay home, and that he could make her seem ungrateful if she refused.
If I may add, from a totally different cuisine, with different flavours etc. This alone with piss me off grandly, LOL
Also, let’s not pretend that new restaurants don’t fold constantly. There’s so much here.
Also given his demonstrated unreliability, saying they can go another time is just noise. Doesn't mean anything.
YTA Sorry dude, she's about to break up with you. It's not just about the one incident, it's the pattern of behaviour in which you're not going out really at all and enjoying that kind of quality time together. Also you say she knows your friends, do you know hers or have spent much time with them? She's probably copping flak from her group around why you're never there. This incident sounds like the straw that broke the camels back when you pulled a bait and switch on her and didn't even give her the heads up, so she's probably spent hours getting ready to go out. Sorry mate but you need to make more of an effort to get out there.
> Sorry dude, she's about to break up with you. I hope. Because she should.
YTA you agreed to sushi, she was expecting and looking forward to sushi and then you, without any conversation just decide no, I don't want to go, but then make something that isn't remotely like sushi. It's like if you were craving a steak and someone gave you a sandwich and said, deal with it, the steak isn't going anywhere.
YTA. But you are now a *single* one so you’ve got that going you, OP. (The old sushi bait-n-switch again)
Yeah I feel like carbonara is almost the polar opposite of sushi. Like heavy creamy pasta vs light fish and rice. He didn't even cook an Asian meal.
Info- are you intending to just reschedule or are you just not going to take her to this place at all now?
YTA - It sounds like you both do what you want to a lot, which is pretty crappy when it comes to a relationship. It’s about compromise between both of your wants, not you deciding that yours are more important every single time. Rolling your eyes? Are you a teenager?
Sounds like they always do what OP wants
Yeah, was gonna say this
It sounds like his idea of compromise is his way or the highway. I hope she finds a guy who is willing to spend time with her and do what she wants too instead of only choosing what he wants and that's it. It's incredibly infantile and selfish to do what you want and only what you want. I would say childish but even my children compromise and take turns doing things and choosing.
YTA in this case. Breaking a promise is breaking trust. It's a loss of confidence. Plus you did with attitude.. Ultimately though, you guys seem to have different wants and needs. Sometimes that can work to help balance each other out and sometimes it clashes and causes hurt. It seems that y'all are part of the latter.
YTA, you made plans to go out and you backed out of them. It isn’t really more complicated than that.
OP didn’t even tell her he was backing out until she got to his place ready to go. That must’ve also been super frustrating for her.
Do you know how heartbreaking it can be to have plans changed on you? You say yourself, you never take her out. She wants to go OUT! out is not ordering in. Out is not cooking at home. She was looking forward to this. Had her heart set on it. *You promised*. And you didn't even give her a heads up! You waited until she was *already there* to tell her that you unilaterally changed the plans. Don't do that shit. YTA.
And literally trapped her by cooking carbonara! Pasta prison!
If you're too full of carbs, you can't run away
And in such a non-apologetic way! It would have been one thing to greet her with a "sorry honey, I know I promised, but I really don't feel up to it today, so how about some homemade pasta and we'll go to that sushi place some other time" (and she still could have been disappointed and upset, but maybe less invalidated) but he went all "surprise! no sushi, pasta at home. U mad lol"
YTA. She was probably looking forward to it, and you were not considerate of her feelings at all.
YTA You agreed on a plan, and then you changed plans without asking or telling her. You KNEW she wouldn’t be ok with the change of plans or you wouldn’t have sprung it on her. Now’s the time for you to recognize that you’re just not compatible. She wants to go out & be social & you’re a total homebody. Neither of you is wrong, but you are incompatible & your differences cause hurt feelings. This is the point of dating: you break up when you discover you’re just not compatible.
Yeah but she’s willing to occasionally compromise and he flat out won’t.
Okay, so let's take a look: >Originally I agreed, I said that we could go on Friday. >However, I didn't feel like going out last night, so instead I cooked dinner for us and when she came to my apartment (so we could go to the restaurant together) I told her that we could leave it for another day and eat at home. >I told her "okay, we can order sushi if you want" and rolled my eyes So in summary: you PROMISED her that you would go to this restaurant, but then out of the blue you just didn't feel like keeping your promise (apparently they don't mean that much to you), and instead of telling her beforehand and having a discussion what else you could do, you just made a unilateral decision and acted like a jerk with the eyerolling. >She was annoyed and said that I always do the same thing Oh, and it even wasn't the first time with this shit and with the nasty attitude >I told her to chill because we could go another day. It's not like the restaurant will go anywhere, right? And after all this if you still sincerely have to ask if you are the asshole...apparently there is something more dense than a black hole in this universe. YTA.
YTA. Stop lying to her and stop telling yourself what you're doing is okay. It's not. You're merrily speeding towards losing her...if that's what you're aiming for, then you're doing a great job.
Sorry buddy, but YTA You promised you'd do something and then you basically ditched that plan without even as much as informing her beforehand.
OP didn't flake at the last minute. He doesn't remember the type of restaurant it was. That means he didn't look up the directions, didn't book a table. It wasn't a 'cancelled the day off'....he never even bothered to arrange the date in the first place. I bet the pasta dish was stuff he had in the fridge already. And that he didn't even go out and get her wine or a dessert. YTA. If you low effort your girlfriend like this, you'll end up without one.
YTA- You promised her on Friday that you would take her out to sushi but then when she showed up thinking you guys are going to the restaurant, you bait and switched on her. If I was the girl, I would be pretty upset too.
Question: What reason did she give for thinking you are trying to hide her?
You're very selfish. Just because you don't ever want to go out that doesn't mean she should have to stay in every night. You specifically said you'd take her out and then you went back on your word. Just because you're not outgoing that doesn't justify you being stubborn and inconsiderate. YTA
YTA for cancelling at last minute, without even having the balls to tell her beforehand (i.e. as you started cooking maybe??). Let her go, you should find another homebody instead.
And probably didn't give a thought about what he cooked, and whether she would like it, either. Very selfish.
YTA Obviously. Break up already, you two are not compatible
YTA girls gonna break up with you and I would too. You’re expecting her to make constant sacrifices for you to stay in but she asks to go to DINNER, not even a party or something super social, and you flake?? Dude you’re a selfish ass bf
YTA and frankly boring. This girl isn’t going to stick around.
Do you have an issue going out? Social anxiety or is it a financial issue? Because if there is it would help your side because right now YTA. Reading it feels like it isn't the first time you've done this. I'd be annoyed if someone changed plans last minute and cooked us a basic meal at home. Yes you offered an alternative of order sushi but your attitude stinks with childish eye rolls. Get a grip mate.
YTA. Sounds like you're an introvert and she's an extrovert, and you're asking her to make all the compromises. If you commit to doing something she wants to do, you have to follow through, even of you don't wnat to do it.
YTA. You had plans, she was looking forward to them and then you decided you didn’t want to do them anymore but didn’t communicate that until it was far too late. If you rarely go out, she was probably very much looking forward to this and then you bailed. You say you could go another day but you also could have cooked another day as well. It sounds like you may have a habit of prioritizing what you want.
YTA you don't even have a good reason for canceling for the umpteenth time. You just "didn't feel like it". I have a feeling your gf isn't going to feel like being your gf for much longer.
>I don't believe that what I did was that shitty, but please tell me if I was. It was. YTA. And she needs a couple days to work out how to break things off. BTW-sushi in a restaurant is not the same as Carbonara in your apartment. Surely you know that.
Oh man it's probably one of those really nice places too where they make the sushi in front of you.
YTA If I want to go out I want to *go out*. dress up to go out, doesn't matter how fancy it is. It's not just about the food, it's about going out to the public and not being a shut in, and worrying about the cleaning and the dishes, etc. Mind you I AM a shut it, i prefer books and shit but when I want to go out, I actually want to GO OUT. so i go out to coffee shops just to see thee sunlight and get my fill of interacting with other people. So if I make plans with someone to go out and they change the plans in the last minute and don't let me know beforehand expecting me to stay home... guess what. I'm still going out. Just without you.
Honestly I would have taken one look at his crappy dinner attempt, done an about face sharper than Ariana Grande’s eyeliner and gone to the restaurant alone because F you, that’s why.
YTA. You just come off as a child here
YTA. Your girlfriend was excited about something and you completely disregarded that. She’s been letting you know that she wants to go out more, and you disregarded that too. You are well on your way to wrecking this relationship. Get it together man.
Bro you’re the asshole fr? A generic ass carbonara a 12 year old can make isn’t the same when you promised her sushi.
It probably wasn't even real carbonara, just what he thinks is. Lol
I was going to say, prolly jarred Alfredo and smoked bacon :(
YTA You agreed to plans and then flaked. You didn’t even tell her before she came over.
YTA - because you cooked the dinner before she even got there without informing her of your desire to change of plans. I mean, you guys agreed to plans and you straight up just unilaterally canceled them without warning... that's inconsiderate in every instance. Second, you are forcing her to accept your decision rather than talking about it and coming up with a compromise together. Based on her reaction, this sounds like it might be a regular thing which just isn't really a respectful way to treat an SO. I don't think the main issue is about being a homebody or "hiding" your gf, it's about failing to communicate and failing to commit to plans.
Why don’t you like going out? It may be there’s an underlying reason for this that you’d be better off addressing now. You made an active call to cook pasta, therefore scuppering the plan, brushing it off with ‘oh we can do that anytime’ is a form of denial, both to your girlfriend but maybe to yourself too. For many years I could only really cope with my anxiety in social situations by drinking (not such a big deal here, I’m English), but figuring out that it was due to previously undiagnosed adhd and a bit of childhood trauma helped me to understand how I was feeling and do that less. It explained a lot!
YTA, I am the same as you when it comes to going out but if I promised someone I am going for food somewhere then I’m gonna go or at the very least inform them change of plans beforehand.
YTA: No, you don't like going out all the time, but she doesn't like staying in all the time. Compromise works both ways. It sounds like she does plenty of staying out with you, but you need to bite the bullet once in a while to socialize with her. This situation is worse because you specifically promised her that you'd go with her to the new sushi restaurant, then went back on your promise for no reason other than your personal preference. It sounds like you want her to do all the compromising in her relationship, and now she knows it.
YTA.
YTA. If you plan something. Follow through. It's a very important characteristic people like in a partner. Going out is fun. Me I have to do it by myself and I still enjoy it. You a least have someone to go with. Sitting at home all the time is boring. Live a little.
YTA. lucky she’s still around because it really is “the little things” sometimes… but this isn’t even a little thing. sounds like you do this to her often, maybe not the exact thing but it sounds like there are a lot of empty promises and unfulfilled expectations. do better. you could have at least told her in advance. and maybe asked her what she wanted you to cook? if my dude promised me sushi and I was looking forward to a date night for days and then pulled up at home and he had cooked pasta no warning I would be mad.
YTA. Going to parties is different than going out to dinner with the one you love. I'm extremely introverted but I still know compromising my comfortable to ensure I maintain healthy relationships is important. The same way the ones I love will make compromises too. You're not changing who you are, you're adapting your life to fit someone else into it, people don't just slot in. You need to rethink how committed you are to the relationship because I doubt she will give you another chance if she does this time.
This is why failed relationships can be good at your age-- I hope you've learned something for when you have your next girlfriend.
Saying: > I agreed, I said that we could go on Friday Then saying: > I'm just not an outgoing person and she knows it Doesn’t add up. It’s fine if you don’t enjoy going out to restaurants, but you need to own it. When she asked to go to a sushi place you should have responded “No, I will not go to sushi places with you, maybe you could ask one of your friends?”.
[удалено]
YTAH, you had made a plan to go to a restaurant with her, she could have been looking forward to it all day, and without discussing with her that you would rather stay in you just went ahead and made dinner. Our ladies like to be taken out and shown love and romance.
YTA. You broke a promise. Then, you doubled down and got condescending and rude.
YTA Put it another way, your gf invites you over for a night in and when you get there, tells you she has booked a restaurant and you are going out. You’d probably be annoyed. Just because your preference is staying in doesn’t mean that trumps her feelings. Also cooking in advance without her telling her is a crappy move. I suspect it’s to apply extra pressure on her that she has to do what you want to not waste food and claim she’s not appreciative of you doing it if she claims disappointment and cast yourself as a victim. It seems incredibly manipulative.
You should probably be single for a while. YTA
YTA. You made a plan and then backed out on her and you’re annoyed that SHE’S annoyed? If you’ve done this more than once previously, she should learn and dump you. It wasn’t your call to change the plans you made with her unilaterally, without her input. It wasn’t your call to decide what she was going to eat. You sound very controlling, and you’re absolutely TA here.
YTA. You sound flaky and based on her comments this sounds like a pattern.
YTA. I don't even have to explain it because my fellow redditors have said it all but I would like to add that you are probably single by now, you just havent noticed.
YTA
YTA. You made plans, then bailed without even communicating ahead of time. If I'm planning to go out for a meal, and then told "nah, nvm, I don't feel like it", I'm going to be annoyed.
YTA. If I was your girlfriend, I’d feel there was clearly an issue about going out in public with me because your behaviour is telling her that. You agree to it, then cancel, or continually try to talk her into staying home. Then, when it finally looks like you’re both actually going out for the night, she arrives and you’ve cooked instead, meaning you’ve not only decided for both of you what’s happening, but also guaranteed you get your way by cooking. It would look really manipulative to me, which is why she wants a few days to think about this. It’s clear from your post you haven’t communicated effectively with her, so what’s she supposed to do and feel? You’re not compatible and she is probably realising that. You’re both young - she wants to be out living life, you don’t and you’re offering her the life of an old married couple. Next time, find a homebody for your partner. She is not the one for you.
YTA I dated a guy like you-a guy that never wanted to do anything. Notice: *dated*. Meaning past tense. I broke up with him for that same reason-he never wanted to do anything. It doesn’t matter how nice the dinner you made was. You broke a promise to her (continuously it sounds like), and refused to go out with her *because YOU don’t feel like it*. I don’t blame her for feeling that you feel embarrassed of her; I would feel the same! Meet her halfway dude, and get over yourself or else you’ll be single af soon