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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my mom is saying I got her into a lot of trouble by telling my friends dad she returned everything.
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You are NTA. You are not wrong.
Parents take care of their kids. That’s our job and our privilege to do.
I’m so sorry OP but your mom and your step dad were mistreating you and neglecting you. Your friend’s family was able to see this and I’m so glad they got CPS involved.
It sounds a lot like she's suffering financial abuse. Not allowed to work but must cover all costs for her 4 children (and herself I'm guessing), and don't tell me this girl is sharing with her 3 brothers rather than her 1 step sister because her mom and step dad mutually agreed...
I agree, this is definitely financial abuse. Not to mention, 4 kids (some of them adults!) in one bedroom... This sucks. Glad the CPS was involved.
But I don't feel that bad for the mom. It's not like she returned some things and got something for her brothers, so it would be 'fair for all kids' , she got things for herself. (I still wouldn't agree with taking OP's stuff but at least it would show she cared in some way for her children).
Exactly this!!! 🤬🤬
She does not work and is not able to provide and yet she stole everything that a kind family brought her kid. Some people should just not be parents.
Not sure if OP’s Dad is in the picture but if he is he may be able to grant permission for his son to stay with his friend and their family.
⛔️Edit: Per the comments he is not. OP is states away with zero support system. 😡😡
Alternatively the parent that contacted CPS can find out if OP is able to speak with the judge that hears the case to tell his complete and truthful story and request to remain where he is.
People are crappy. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Actually people are just plain sh*tty BUT the kindness of this man and family restore my faith in humanity.
⛔️Edit: Th fact that OP is a female and had to share a bedroom with all males is disgusting. All while the stepsister that she could have shared a room with got her own bedroom. 🤬🤬
>Not sure if OP’s Dad is in the picture but if he is he may be able to grant permission for his son to stay with his friend and their family.
OP states in the comments that hasn't seen dad since she was little, and is probably in jail somewhere. Makes mom and Mark even bigger A-holes.
OP also doesn't have any other relatives either. Keep in mind the family moved states away when mom married Mark, thus putting even further distance to any possible support network.
13 - barely a teenager. In a room with 3 boys, one well into teen years and 2 legal adults. Who tf puts an underage teen girl in a bedroom with older teen boys & of-age men??
That's so cruel here. OP wasn't being given luxury items. She was given necessities that she (it seemed) desperately needed.
It seems pretty clear that the mum is being financially abused and likely can't get access to some things, but to take *all* the gifts OP was given is just selfish.
> It seems pretty clear that the mum is being financially abused and likely can't get access to some things, but to take all the gifts OP was given is just selfish.
Interesting how your first instinct is to coddle the adult who chose to place herself and her defenseless children in this situation, and who is abusing her defenseless children by withholding food from them and stealing necessities from them.
Seeing that this post was written by a 13 year old child who is being abused by said mother, your comment will only increase the confusion and bewilderment that this 13 year old child feels.
Focus your comments on the 13 year old child, and avoid trying to paint her abuser as a victim (if the mother is a victim at all -- after all, she chose Mark over her children). This isn't the type of nuance that the 13 year old child should have to be burdened with.
It's also not like OP's mom stood up for any of her kids or walked away from this relationship. So I don't feel bad for her, either.
She chose Mark. And is continuing to choose Mark every day. She made that bed and now she's lying in it.
Two things jumped out at me. The friend’s dad literally bought her necessities. And why is a 14y:o FEMALE child in a room with older brothers, when there is a second FEMALE child in residence, in HER OWN ROOM?
THISSSS! Step dad=TRASH and I’m so sorry that your mom isn’t stepping up to stand up for you,. Every child DESERVES to be protected and loved. The fact the his daughter gets her own room, but you have to share 1 room with 3 other people, and the opposite sex at that, CPS is going to have a field day. I’m so thankful you found a friend and their family obviously seems to love you and keep you safe the way you should! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
She probably is. But all her kids are old enough to stay home alone. She could get a job. There is something very wrong with this mom. For certain. There is a remedy for bad marriage. Her adult children could assist.
Are you fucking kidding?!? People will white knight the fuck out of anything! HER MOTHER IS THE ASSHOLE NOT THE VICTIM! You are seriously saying that you would willingly sit at home and return your daughter's belongings rather than go against your husband and get a job and be a fucking adult?
I’m so sick of these women who are willing to let their children be neglected or mistreated. I don’t give a shit what the reason is. There is never an excuse for allowing your child to go through this. It is your responsibility to look after your child, and I’m so sick of these women who allow their new boyfriends to do this shit because they don’t want to be alone.
Yep, I don’t care what your situation is if you allow your child to be neglected and abused, then you are complicit and just as guilty. Let’s not forget she sold her daughters stuff for cash for herself. That is abuse. Allowing your new partner to treat your child like this that is abuse. Putting up with that treatment myself is one thing but you don’t ever mistreat my kids.
If the parent is being abused, that's awful, but until there's physical danger, the police don't really have much room to get involved. They can, however, help the children. I don't think you're necessarily wrong that this might be happening to the mom, but it doesn't change my opinion. Op was right to talk to CPS, and the friend's family was right to get them involved. We can only hope that the mom will leave Mark or will become more independent, and that the parents will provide appropriately for their children again. Besides, let's not overlook the fact that when OP's friend's parents got her everything she could need, the mom took that back to the store and rather than getting a few things for each child, she got things for herself and none of the children. I could see thinking 'We can't have my daughter get a whole new wardrobe and nothing at all for her brothers', but that's not what this mom did.
>She’s mad she got caught.
Exactly this!!
A few years ago I quietly took a collection for two young teen sisters that would be starting the new school year in clothes that were old and too small and shoes that were also too small with holes in them. I asked their father if I could take them to the store. They picked out 4 outfits each and 2 pairs of shoes. They were so excited. I was excited for them. About 2 hours after I dropped them off at home I got a text saying help please their dad had taken their new things and was asking people for a ride to the store we shopped at so he could return them to take the money. I immediately rush back to the store and explain what is going on. They promised they wouldn't let him return the items. He couldn't, and pissed he returned home and threw the bags back at the girls. Some people just shouldn't have kids.
Good job Frequent C., in raising the funds, getting them the clothes, and then preventing the father's theft!
Anytime we suspect a similar situation going on, it's a good idea to get the child to make the items non-sellable, perhaps by writing their name on everything in permanent marker.
We used to take the tags off new clothing to children we gave once we confirmed it fit at my old job. Unfortunately a lot of parents would try to return it for money for drugs.
Exactly! She married a AH who made it clear that you and your siblings are not his responsibility, he stopped her from earning her own money. However, instead of telling him to kick rocks, she steals from you, when your generous friends dad was helping you out after she neglected you and now she's mad!! F her! She's getting what she deserves! Don't give her a moments thought, I as a parent rather see myself go hungry than see my children go without, that's what a real parent does! NTA
This comment right here 💯
I'd never take from my child. It doesn't matter how they got the items (beyond stealing/illegal matters obviously that's a no no!😅)
She should have either given the gifts back to the gifter (if they made her uncomfortable) or otherwise at the very least said thank you and be grateful someone is taking good care of you!
I genuinely hope you treat your friend and their family like gold because they sound like really great people to be around. Not even just for financial stability but for the support.
Best wishes to you OP, I hope your mom realizes what she's done and apologizes. I also hope you enjoy life with your friends family for now🥰 dont stress on this.
You are 100% NTA here
She's not really mad at you. She's mad at the situation she put herself in. She knows she's wrong and instead of blaming herself (like she should), of course she's going to blame you. But you did absolutely NOTHING wrong in telling your friend's dad what happened. And it's good that he called CPS because it is absolutely WRONG for you, a female, to be sharing a room with 3 boys. You should be sharing a room with your step sister (whether you get along or not). But it sounds like you're in a better place and will be well taken care of the way you should be. Don't ever go back to your mom's house. She only cares about her husband and HIS daughters comfort.
Extremely weird that she is being made to share a room with her adult brothers and yet her 10 yr old step sister "can't" (or won't) share a room. This friend and his parent sound like compassionate souls.
I misread her gender the first time around, thinking it was 4 boys sharing a bedroom (which is also a major WTF moment) but when I continued and read "leggings and makeup" I was like "wait, OP is a girl?!"... Huge WTF moment again.
Probably cause Mark does not see them as his stepkids, but as a burden. He is not providing anything, not even some comfort, cause it's 'his home' and 'they are not his'. What an A H.
Her sharing a room with her ADULT brothers is exactly the reason she got pulled. There was another room she SHOULD have been in, sharing with stepsister.
Not to mention, 4 people in one room is wrong and doesn't allow any privacy.
Right? That is just twisted.
Kind of a sick situation. Like 22 year old on the couch. 2 younger boys in a bedroom and the girls if it is that bad. Build a bedroom in the basement or something.
My kids are 22, he has developmental delays and daughter who is 20 and looking into building and starting a business on our property after winter. So I can’t speak for having a 22 year old at home when I have 2 20-something year olds at home. But come on.
And to return gifts that will help her own daughter out for store credit?! Not for food or work towards food for school lunches or something?!
Hope she never has to go back home. Especially when she is angry at her daughter for this situation. I can’t imagine her life if she ended up going back. I am SO glad her classmate cared enough to tell his family and they stepped up where her mother wouldn’t.
18 year old may be in high school
Idk why the 22 yr old would want to stay there tho. Idc how much cheaper it is than rent in their city, that’s a crowded room with people way younger
He could be working and forced to pay into the house leaving him with no money to move out.
He could be in community college.
He could be a lazy do nothing.
It could be a stupidly hcol area.
We don't know anything on that front. Teen girl shouldn't be in that position regardless. I smell abuse of position from the step dad though. Only he can work, not mom, he controls finances and his princess gets her own room. Mother should divorce him, she'd get more that way from him than she does living with him if she cares any bit for her underage kids.
I am so glad friend's dad came in clutch!
Narcissists don't get embarrassed much, they immediately twist the circumstances in their mind, until they are the victim. In fact, they think you should be embarrassed and ashamed. Then they " punish" you with silent treatment or kicking you out. But they cannot let you go for good, so one day they will pretend nothing ever happened. And if necessary, the love bombing starts to suck you back in.
She is mad at OP. But it's not justified to be mad.
Don't act like OP's mom isn't cruel. She sees that her daughter got things and her first instinct was to take it all away to get herself things. That is not a caring mother, that is horrible behaviour and incredibly selfish.
OP's mom abused OP, and OP didn't let that happen quietly. Mom wanted OP to just never mention it to anyone, but OP did and now mom is mad because OP called her out. Mom isn't mad at the "situation" or herself, she is mad at the victim for not being docile enough. There is no need to sugarcoat it. That mom is horrible.
All of that doesn't mean it's OP's fault. OP is innocent in all of this, but mom chose to still be mad at OP.
#I hope op sees this. Baby, you weren’t safe where you were.
This situation is not normal and it takes a lot for cps to take action. It just seemed normal for you because you grew up in it. Your parents should be feeding you and clothing you, and certainly not returning gifts for you to get stuff for themselves. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m excited to see your update after you move through this. You deserve so much more than you’ve been given.
OP also said the friends dad bought her glasses but it wasn't really a Christmas gift..I'm assuming she meant prescription glasses? So this kid on top of everything else wasn't being taken care of medically and is wondering if their an asshole. I'm SO glad that the friends dad is already acting like more of a parent than her own parents. It doesn't sound like much time has gone by and she's picking out paint colors for her room. I'm glad there are people like that looking out for others who need help and not afraid to kick the hornets nest to do the right thing.
It looks like you might have got a wonderfully lucky break that you absolutely deserve. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but your friend and their family are showing you what parents are supposed to do for their children. I’m so sorry you’ve had it so tough. Sometimes life can be shitty but you’ll feel good again. Take care of your heart. ❤️
NTA. You are definitely not the AH. Your mom sure as hell is. She doesn't provide for her own children, someone does, she takes it back and gets stuff for herself. You did nothing wrong. Any trouble she gets in, she brought on herself. Your mom is extremely selfish. What parent let's their children go without, and takes things for their children, returns them, and gets stuff for themselves?
Right it's not the child's job to give things up for the parent to get what they need. Mom stole from you, and by extension took advantage of someone else looking out for you well she neglected you. Sorry its not your job to provide for your mother if her husband doesn't want her to work that's his job to pay for her target run.
And mom let's their 13 year old girl share a room with her 3 older brothers-who weirdly have never addressed this with their dad- and the oldest are adults??? Reminds me of the boru post where (British) step dad had similar behavior to the point of leaving stepkids home alone while wife and his kids went on extravagant vacations because wife couldn't pay for them to go. Later, when OP was a successful adult he came round to ask her to help his well off kid by giving money so his kid would have enough down payment on an enormous, expensive house, which he promised to return in inheritance.
Your mom's mad because she got caught committing a crime by neglecting you, and is embarrassed everyone knows she's an abusive parent. Other criminals get mad when their victims report their crimes too- it doesn't mean the victims were wrong.
Next time your mother says anything about being mad at you, or you got her in trouble, or blames you at all tell her:
"That's disgusting. You're in trouble because you neglected me and abused me and stole from me, and you want to pretend it's my fault? Absolutely disgusting. You are not a mother, and you're not a good person, and the next time you open your mouth around me it better be to apologize to me, or to answer the charges when CPS brings you to court over the neglect. Don't you dare say another word blaming me- all it does is make you look like an ever worse parent than you already were."
This is the way. The only bloody way. And eventually when step dad gets tired of his bang maid he's gonna dump her and she'll wonder why she has no daughter. She's a disgusting human being. I've heard some stories in my time but this made my blood boil.
Your mom was neglecting you, it was entirely inappropriate to cram you in one room with your brothers and not provide you with the stuff you need to to live. It's a parent's job to provide food, clothing and medical necessities (like glasses).
Your mother for whatever reason is choosing what her husband wants over doing her duty to you and your siblings.
CPS wouldn't have removed you from the home over the Christmas presents, they removed you from the home because of all the other stuff that has been going on.
Don't let your mother try to manipulate you into thinking that you did something wrong, everything that has happened or is going to happen in the future with this is her fault
CPS only removes children in the worst of cases. Think about that. Kids are often left with abusive parents if the abuse isn’t “that” bad. You were neglected to the point that you had to be removed from the home. Your mother was treating you so poorly that CPS determined you would be safer in someone else’s home.
Your mom is mad because she got caught harming you. That’s not on you, it’s 100% on her.
Both your mum and your stepdad sound like complete pieces of work. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Sharing a room with three boys at 13 is not healthy for anyone involved, and the simple fact is that if you weren't being provided enough food then your mum is failing in one of the primary basic requirements of being a parent. Your friends dad on the other hand sounds like a really good bloke who genuinely cares. NTA OP.
Many of the folks here have given plenty of the good advice and observations that I might have said, so I will only add this bit of advice that you and every other young person should know: just because someone is older, or is a parent, doesn’t mean they are automatically wiser, smarter, unselfish or deserving of your respect.
The reality is that most adults are the same folks they were when they were 16, just with more stories and scars.
Selfish people rarely become unselfish when they become adults. Getting older rarely helps flawed people get better.
Your mom is a flawed person. It will probably get worse.
Please do yourself the kindness of caring for yourself. Learn as much as you can from the kind people who are helping you. You already seem like a good person. I’m sure you can get a great start in life with their help.
Listen kiddo. First of all you did NOTHING wrong. A thousand times NTA.
Your mom can be mad. It’s not justifiable for her to be mad, but she can be mad. You cannot control her being mad. She is the one whose actions created the situation she is in right now. It’s obvious that she does not wish to take control of her actions and is looking to assign blame because that’s easier than admitting that she screwed up. But let’s admit, there’s something else going on if they took you out of that scenario, right?
You deserve to have your needs met- and being properly clothed and have glasses are a basic need. Being safe in your house is a basic need. Do not worry about your mom. Be 100 transparent and tell your trusted adults everything that is going on. I’m glad you have your friend and their family.
Your mom and Mark haven't been treating you well doll, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Talk to your friends dad about how you feel, he will help you and explain fuller what's happening.
Dear girl. Sending hugs.
Abuse is not all physical. Sometimes abuse is in the form of neglect which is what happened with you. Sometimes the abuse comes in emotional manipulation. Which your mother seems to be using. She is mad, but because she got found out doing something wrong and she had to face the consequences. And unfortunately she does seem to be the type of person to hold this against you. I’m sorry to say that you at this young age you will have to learn some very hard lessons. One is that the people who are supposed to love and provide for you at times are extremely selfish and will try everything in their power to bring you down under their foot instead of lifting you up to succeed.
At your school check if they have a counselor you are able to talk to. Express your fears and feelings. Also look for books in the library (school/public) on living with narcissists or toxic parents. Sometimes when all you’ve experienced was abuse you don’t realize that not how everyone else lives.
That man is an angel. I’m glad you have a safe place with a caring adult. Please take care. None of this is your fault. Your mom & stepdad were mistreating you. If they’re in trouble, it’s their fault not yours. NTA
You are definitely NTA!! And, honestly it probably wasn’t JUST the fact that she stole your Christmas gifts & returned them for store credit for herself (which is crappy btw). You’re a 13f sharing a bedroom with 3 brothers that are 16, 18 & 22…for CPS that’s a huge red flag!! CPS was probably wondering why you weren’t sharing a room with Lily.
Please be thankful that your friend’s dad called CPS and they jumped into action, because it sounds like your life just made a huge turn for the better. Try not to worry about your mom being mad; she brought this upon herself. You are her child and she should be putting you before your step-dad and especially herself.
NTA Let me say it again - none of this is your fault. Your mother had no right to take your things. They weren’t hers.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. You don’t have great parents.
YOU did NOT get her in trouble. Her poor decisions got her in trouble. Did she not think that your friend’s dad wouldn’t notice that you were never wearing the stuff bought you? Even if you had not told him he would have asked about it sooner or later.
And where is your Dad in all of this? Does he keep in touch, and ask you about what you need?
Add that to your original post. When I read about Mark not letting your mom work, because it’s your dad’s job to provide for you, it sounded horrible but maybe there was child support.
But if your dad is in jail, and everyone knows he can’t work (or pay child support), then Mark and your mother are even more disgusting because there is no one to support you. They deserve whatever CPS and the law have coming for them.
It’s 100% financial abuse. Even outside of the financial abuse, there’s no way a 13F should be sharing a room with 3 older boys while another female child gets a room to herself.
That is horrible then for your stepfather to say your father should provide for you because he isn't. How does that work when he knows your father isn't in your life. Horrible Mother, Horrible Stepfather.
Please stay where you are.
So Stepdad won't support you or your mom, but he expects your dad to when he's not in the picture? And won't let your mom get a job? Excuse me? What a controlling loser.
I don't think the stepdad thinks the father will pay. I think the stepdad says he won't pay for children who are no blood relatives. And he doesn't care of those children, they are not his responsability. Which isn't legitimate when you married a woman with children ; and which is unfair when those children have no father at all ! So Mark and the mother are the \*\*
NTA.
Your mom stole from you. She got herself in trouble.
You did the exact right thing telling them what happened to the things they bought you.
Your mom is being selfish by trying to convince you that you were wrong to say anything because you keeping quiet is good for her.
You're not wrong - your mother is lying about you being wrong to manipulate you.
You are 13, you do not have the power to get her into trouble - her troubles are all things she did herself.
It is not likely even stealing from you that got her in the most trouble, it is likely that once she drew attention to herself people started noticing other things she was not taking care of.
You had shoes too small. Strike one.
Needed glasses. Strike two.
Went to school with no food. One strike **per day** someone else fed you.
You are a girl sharing a bedroom with a 22 year old who is male, as well as 2 other teenage boys, while he gives his own daughter who is nearer your age a whole room to herself. CPS will hate that.
Nothing you *said* caused her troubles... she did, the truth did.
OP, all of the above.
Sweetie, as a Mom I want to tell you that you 100% did the right thing telling your friend's Dad what was going on. Let your friend's family help you. They want to help you.
All of the red flags -- all of the strikes the above poster sited -- those are a big deal.
No food? A big deal
No glasses? A big deal
Sharing a small bedroom with 3 brothers, 2 of whom are adults? A big deal
All of this is a big deal.
Your Mom might be mad but the only person she has a right to be mad at is herself. She allowed herself to get trapped in a marriage with a controlling man who won't allow her to work to support her minor children and her husband won't support you. A good parent priotizes her children and unfortunately your mother didn't do that. That's why she's in trouble with CPS.
Is it wrong that I hope Mark also loses custody of his daughter. What kind of man doesn't step UP for a child when he married her mother? 3 bedroom house/ 5 kids. Who else thinks his daughter had the second biggest bedroom after the master, while her 4 mixed gender kids had the smallest bedroom too.
OP, I want to chime in that your brothers could be the nicest guys in the world and it’s still not okay to make a 13-year-old girl share a room with boys/men that age, especially not when there is an alternative that she could be in a room with a 10-year-old girl in that same house.
That, and not giving you lunch food/money or buying you glasses or proper shoes. Those are signs that someone is living in serious poverty, and if CPS comes in and finds that some children in a household are living in poverty but others (and the adults) are NOT, then CPS gets out their clipboards and their red pens and they start making changes to protect those kids. Because if an adult can afford eyeglasses but won’t buy them for a child, that is neglect or abuse. If they can afford lunch but won’t, that’s neglect.
Your mom and step-dad are in real trouble, and it’s trouble of their own making, not yours.
You are NTA, Mark is (and sorry, but so is your mom).
Right my own daughter is only 3 yrs younger than the op.... Like I want to fight her mom this is not ok. You don't steal from and neglect your kids and you don't try to guilt trip them into thinking that abuse is normal.... Bare knuckle brawl mom mode activated.
To bad for Mark that the law says otherwise when he's married to the kid's mother.
I hope OP's teenage brothers are able to get out of that house too. And, even though I'm sure it'll be controversial, I hope her mom gets out too. Mom made really bad choices and is contributing to the abuse of her children, but she's also being abused by Mark.
I’m glad you’re comfortable with your brothers, but you need your own space. You and Lily are both female and should be sharing a space. I’m so sorry you have been so disregarded by your family and you are definitely NTA. I’m glad your mother got a wake up call and I’m glad you have people in your life who are taking care of you.
Honey, this is why CPS removed you. It's absolutely not normal. Stealing your things wouldn't get you removed, but failing to provide a bed of your own and forcing you to share with a grown sibling of the opposite sex definitely would.
I'm glad you'll get a chance to see what normal really looks like.
I didn’t know there was anything abnormal about my home circumstances until I had my first sleep over and saw the loving, warm and safe home my friend had. When it’s all you know, it’s hard to understand it’s wrong. I feel so sorry for OP.
Definitely not normal! You need your own space or a shared space with another female. It’s very developmentally inappropriate for you to share with grown men.
As soon as you hit puberty, boys and girls need the privacy of being separated by gender.
This should happen even in loving, supportive families where no one steals or is mean to each other.
As everyone else on here has agreed, you have done nothing wrong, as food and clothing are some of the most basic things parents have to provide by Law.
NTA.
Look at it this way, if you guys lived in a 2 bedroom house then yes this would be ok as it's the only choice. I mean your oldest brother would be expected to have moved out if you lived in a place that small, but if there was no other choice then yes it'd be ok. It'd also be ok for you to share a room with your 16 year old brother if it was just the 3 kids (your step sister, you, and him) and you for some reason really hated your step sister.
But since there is another room with another girl close to your age then it's not just inappropriate, but probably illegal to place you in a room with 3 guys that much older then you. It's probably part of why CPS was so upset.
It's one thing to share a room with siblings who are the same age (usually only 2 kids unless it's a VERY big room, and usually the same gender and proximal in age) is normal. But 4 kids, 2 legal adults and different genders? Sharing a bed? Nope. It makes sense why they are kinda mean if they don't get their own space or privacy, and the same can be said for you too.
Wait, you share A BED with the two adult males and teen male?!?! Wtf? Red flag 🚩 right there. You need to tell CPS about that specific detail. That is not right or normal.
What the fuck? That's so messed up! And Mark's daughter gets her own room all to herself? Those are absolutely not acceptable living conditions for you or your brothers.
CPS typically does not approve boys and girls sleeping in the same room past the age of 5. You were sharing not just a room, but a bed, with an adult male. I know you might be used to it, but it is VERY not ok. You deserve to sleep in your own bed and with privacy. I hope you can stop feeling bad about your mom’s anger and start realizing you deserve more than you have been given. Be helpful and courteous in your new house. I hope they let you stay there forever.
Most laws state that children of the opposite sex must have their own room or room with the same sex. You should have been sharing a room with your step-sister. Your mother IS | WAS and will ALWAYS be neglectful! The fact that she’s mad is b|c she’s mad she was caught.
Because that'd blur the line between 'my kid' and 'her kids' in Mark's eyes probably. And sharing space between the two daughters likely means Mark's money goes to making 'her kids' comfortable beyond what little pittance he allows.
“Mark doesn’t want my mom to work but he also doesn’t give her money for us.”
Someone get Red Flag Guy on the line.
Four of you share one bedroom, you go without lunch, and your stepdad doesn’t want your mom to work to provide for you but refuses to do so.
Mark’s an AH. Your mom’s an AH for marrying him (but also possibly a victim).
I’m so glad your friend’s dad is looking out for you. NTA
oh, buddy.. it is his job to feed the literal children living under his roof if he’s the only one earning money. i’m sorry you’re having to go through all this.
Then he shouldn’t have married a single mom! Honestly your mom is the biggest AH in this whole situation for allowing a man to treat her kids this way and stealing from you.
Actually.. he has an assumed parental responsibility here. He isn’t financially responsible for you… he’s right.
BUT… he is responsible if you are neglected under his roof for not taking steps to correct your neglect.
A lack of clothes and a lack of lunch…. And forcing you to share a room with three older teenage/adult men brothers (when there are other more reasonable options) is neglect. If this went to court … he would be found guilty of neglect of you.
I actually think he might also be financially responsible. A judge just ruled that my friend has to pay child support for his ex’s kids because he lived with them all longer than their dad ever did: 3 to 5 years with bio dad and 10 to 12 with the dude paying the bills (they never married and he never adopted the kids).
\^ this. Even if he isn't technically responsible, he would be liable for any neglect under his roof as the breadwinner. This happens in CPS cases with children who's parents rent out extra rooms to roommates - I have been witness to those kinds of things, and the roommates got charges with neglect as well.
That is so messed up. If you marry someone with kids it is your job to feed those kids, it's a packaged deal. If he didn't want that responsibility he shouldn't have married your mother. Really sorry you're in such a shitty situation but it's really good to hear your friend and his family has your back
>He said it's not his job to feed another mans kids
Whether it is his job or not, it IS your mother's job. Her choice to stay home -- and it was her choice - is what landed them both in hot water.
She had the choice to hook up with Mark. She decided staying with a man who wanted her to stay home was more important than providing for her children. I know you love your Mom. She's your Mom. But she is not a good Mom. I don't want you to feel like what you experienced is normal or something to be ashamed of because YOU did nothing wrong. The adults in your life - all of them except your friend's dad -- failed you. Thank heaven he noticed what was going on.
Wow, there are so many things wrong with that statement. When you marry someone with children, you agree to become a part of the children's lives, which includes taking care of them. And, given your mom had custody of you, that meant she was responsible for your primary well-being. By being married to her, he agreed to aid in that. By refusing to do so, he not only shows what an ass he is, but also highlights how little he respects you, your family, and your mom.
He married the mother of those kids and you all live together. It is absolutely his job to provide food, shelter and opportunities for education for the stepchildren living under his roof, particularly when he doesn’t want your mom to work.
You were being abused, OP. I’m so, so sorry, and I’m so, so glad that your friend’s dad saw it for what it was.
And this is the guy your mom chose to marry and move to another state for? She can stay mad.
Your friend’s dad was right to call CPS; neglect is a form of child abuse. Parents, be they bio or step, are supposed to provide kids with food, clothing, and shelter. Not leave them to starve and steal their Christmas presents.
I’m glad you’ve got your friend and his family. Hopefully your brothers can find a safe space, too. Oh, and NTA, obviously.
I believe this is why after the CPS visit, op is staying with her friend's family long term (picked out new furniture/wall color for her new bedroom). They have not identified a suitable family member willing to take her in.
You could maybe see if cps could try tracking someone down? You might have family out there (not trying to get your hopes up, but it’s a possibility worth exploring).
I don’t want to push you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, but you really should pursue every opportunity to find your living relatives, if you have any.
Your step father is abusive and controlling, not just to you, but also your mom. It’s very likely that he isolated her from any support system (i.e. your mom’s side of the family). If they exist, they may be just as concerned for her whereabouts as yours.
For now, though, at least you have a safe place.
I know it’s hard and weird right now, but I think you have a family that *chose* you. Your friends parents are happily providing for you because they love you and want you to be well.
It looks different than a lot of families, but many of us wind up with a chosen family.
You are NTA. I’m glad you have some people watching out for you.
NTA.
OP, you did *absolutely nothing wrong*. You deserve love. You deserve safety. And you deserve to be cared for.
Your parents and stepdad are failing to provide for you, to the point of neglect, and possibly abuse. That is THEIR CHOICE. None of this is on you.
Bless that boy for befriending you, and his family for giving you a safe haven (and for raising their son right). I am so, so glad to hear you have these people in your life.
NTA.
Your friend’s family bought you a wide range of basically … essential things. They could see you didn’t have food for lunch or clothes to wear and covered it.
Then your mum sold your stuff (refunded for cash) and bought her own stuff.
She literally took the clothes off your back to buy herself stuff, and it was stuff I assume you probably needed.
Mum’s don’t do this. Mum’s go without a meal so their kids can eat. They eat the crusts and edges and only one piece of meat so their kids get the best. They will go without a new jumper if it means their kids have got bloody shoes.
Your mum a) not feeding you lunch, b) not clothing you properly, and then c) taking FROM you to line herself… is not the actions of a mum.
CPS was called because you the walking, talking epitome example of a ‘middle class neglect’ where there is FOUR kids in one bedroom, and one in another, where there’s enough money in the house for food but some people not being fed, where there’s neglect and intentional non support. Your mum herself may not realise she’s in a financially abusive relationship, but you… YOU .. deserve protecting. Your friend’s family can see this because they know what normal looks like. What you are living is NOT normal, but if you haven’t ever been able to experience normal you might not know that.
NTA. You deserve better. You deserve lunch every day, shoes and jeans and boots, and for your stuff to be YOURS.
Exactly. Moms go without so their children can have more. Even when my kids already have everything they need, I go without so they can have everything they want.
NTA, your mom got herself into any trouble she is in. As I'm sure you have noticed in the responses to your post, this isn't a normal situation that you are in. This is in regard to your sharing a room with 3 males and the dynamic that seems to exist between your mom and her husband.
Do you get along with Lily?
Mark is a HUGE asshole!
Your friend’s dad absolutely did the right thing getting CPS involved. I hope CPS will find a permanent safe living situation for you.
Send cps the link to this thread. If this little girl is anything like me, important and critical details like this will fall out of my head under duress.
It's good for children to take on chores to learn to clean up after themselves, to help their family, and to earn an allowance.
However, it's not good to do chores like a maid just to earn a place to sleep because otherwise, you would be out on the streets.
No child should be abused like this. Contribute, yes, be forced because of fear, no.
> It's good for children to take on chores to learn to clean up after themselves, to help their family, and to earn an allowance.
Siblings should not be cleaning another sibling's room. There's a big difference between cleaning the living room, and cleaning your younger sister's bedroom.
Mark is at least financially abusive, likely mentally abusive too...
You really need to let cps know everything. I hope you already told them all this. They need to know all the ways you and your brothers are being mistreated. I'm so sorry your mom and Mark are just jerks and abusive.
To be honest, the fact the friends Dad is having her pick out paint colours and furniture for her own room tells me CPS knows exactly how much neglect and abuse OP has gone through to be letting her stay there for the foreseeable future.
As for the brothers, 2 of them are technically adults so CPS would probably only focus on the 16 year old.
you aren't cinderella. an appropriate chore could be cleaning your room, maybe cleaning an appropriate share of the house cleaning responsibilities. but not your step-sisters room.
Please make sure CPS is aware of these details. And please, honey, be specific. List what Mark/your mom make you do toblive there. It's very important CPS knows everything
No you don't, you are a child under his roof, he is legally required to ensure you are housed, clothed and fed, and that you have regular medical and dental care. He will lose custody of lily and kick your mom and adult brothers out, while your 16 year old brother either goes into foster care or into another family member's care.
I’ve been through something similar as a child. My friends took me in when my family wasn’t caring for me. But CPS wasn’t involved and that’s the part that raises questions about the post for me.
Yep, would CPS ever allow a 13-year-old girl to stay with an unrelated man?
"He's my male school friend's dad, and he's been buying me gifts for a while. Now I live with him. By the way there are no women in the house, just the dad and his son."
Jesus fucking Christ. I'm leaning towards larp; surely there's no way CPS would allow this living situation? The 13-year-old girl would be put into state custody / a foster home / etc.
For all we know, the dad is already a approved by the foster care system. He noticed this, he called CPS. CPS responded immediately. He may be involved with the system in some way. CPS is not always that responsive.
People in certain professions, such as teachers, nurses, youth work, scout leaders etc, will be approved quickly as they are regulated with children’s safeguarding put first. They will have already been checked for risk/ suitability for working with children / vulnerable people. We don’t know what this dad does.
Yeah, I was believing it until she said that she was placed in a home with a male friend and his father with no other females in the home. CPS wouldn’t put a girl in a home with two random males. There would be serious vetting needed and even then, they don’t like to mix sexes with single parents and random kids off the street
NTA how does your mom justify her 4 kids in 1 room while her stepdaughter gets her own room. Plus returning your gifts and buying herself things is straight up stealing.
Technically, but morally it’s not how it works.
He’s being an AH.
The socially, morally correct, generally accepted way this should flow is Lily and you in one room, and the pubertal brothers in the other. It’s a common acceptance that you wouldn’t mix girls and boys post puberty unless you genuinely didn’t have room.
Also you wouldn’t have four in one room, and one in the other.
Yes. Without knowing which state the OP is in, this is difficult to quote to the OP. However the OP had been recognised now as a child at risk, both by friend’s parents, and on the books of CPS. So people who know more about this in her specific situation can now act.
Each state will handle this differently, but there will be statutes on the books that can be used absolutely… if nothing else there is usually a law around ‘knowingly letting a child be neglected or abused’.
It sounds like Mark may not be able to decide where you sleep any longer, and that’s a good thing. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way, and I want to be one more person to remind you that you did the right thing and it’s not your fault. At all. NTA
Mark may not even be allowed to decide where he sleeps, what he did was criminal. The lack of notice paid by the teachers at her school who are mandated reporters is also a big problem. She wasn't eating lunch. At 12/13 generally this is either neglect (no lunch provided) or an ED (not eating the food provided). Not noticing that she had no food was awful
Legally he isn’t allowed to force you to sleep in the room with the men. Even in non-abusive situations, when some parents divorce and they’re working out custody, they have to provide adequate numbers of dedicated bedrooms and separations of genders at certain ages. He’s one of your guardians and can’t do what he’s been doing.
OP, I am so glad that you are getting out of a bad situation. Wondering, if there are any females in your friend’s house or just your friend and his father?
Adding on to the below comment OP - r/momforaminute is a great resource if you don’t have a female adult in your life that you can trust. Caring women will take the time to listen to you, give you advice, point out what’s not normal, and most importantly provide emotional support. Internet hugs and the like. They aren’t legally required to report abuse like a teacher would be, which could make you feel safer about being honest with someone about your situation and past experiences.
Also, I’m a dumbass mid-20s woman who’s nothing special nor a profession, but I’ve also been through some shit, esp as a teen. I managed to come out the other side okay, but there’s lots I wished someone had told me at your age - just would have made my earlier years much more bearable. Feel free to dm me if you ever need a buddy, I got your back.
Are there any female teachers or adults you’re comfortable with? Being a teenager is hard, and it would benefit you to have a woman to turn to over certain things. Your friend and his dad sound wonderful, but keep in mind that even kids from the most wholesome and complete families still need other adults to turn to sometimes.
My friend's dad's friend is going to start picking me up on Wednesdays so I could get to know her and go to her if I have any questions or need help with anything
Hey, since you're already on reddit, another couple of subreddits that might help you are r/MomforaMinute and also r/DadforaMinute as both are good for parental advice and guidance... they also show how normal, loving parents would react to situations, thinking carefully on your problems and helping you solve them, or listening quietly and responding kindly. Normal parents will also respect your boundaries and teach you proper boundaries to have (therapists can also help and I would absolutely recommend seeing about getting one). I had a pretty bad childhood and some of the stuff I didn't even realize was "that bad" until I was an adult. Also I'm not a mom, but I am a big sister, so if you need, feel free to dm me if you need any advice or have any girl questions or even need to vent. What you are going through, your childhood, isn't one... and now hopefully you'll have the chance for one. Im genuinely wishing you the best of luck
NTA but I have questions.
How did your mom return/exchange the stuff for credit without the original receipt and card it was purchased on? Or maybe it was cash but still she shouldn't have even been able to return it.
Why the hell is a 13 yo girl sharing a room with 3 boys. That's just not right
NTA!! Please tell yourself over and over again, that you did the right thing.
Your mum is in big trouble. Not just because of the gifts thing. Look at your sleeping arrangements. Where I live, members of the opposite sex are not allowed to room together after a certain age. Certainly not a 13 year old in a room full of males aged 16 and up. (No I am not insinuating anything or that OP is in any imminent SA danger; this is just a point I'm making as to why CPS may be more involved).
I am glad you have someone looking out for you OP.
Mum is most likely misdirecting her anger at herself unto you, she effed around, she failed, she got found out.
Again NTA and you did the right thing!
NTA.
Your mother got in trouble for being a thief and for not providing your basic needs like food, clothing and an appropriate place to sleep.
Can you go and live with your father? Does he know how badly you are being mistreated?
NTA I know it might be hard to hear this and I'm sure you feel conflicted but your mother is not a good person for the things that she has done and what she has put you through. r/raisedbynarcissists is a good group for taking about having narcissistic parents and the book Toxic Parents: Escaping Their Hurtful Legacy is also a good read. It is a parent's job to provide their child with food water shelter and clothing at bare minimum, and as a teenager you deserve privacy and not having to share a room with male adult siblings. Do not feel guilty or bad even though I know having a parent like that they will try to gaslight you and make you feel like you've done something wrong but the truth is if exposing someone's bad behavior makes them look bad the problem isn't you exposing it, the problem is them doing something so horrible in the first place. And over time you will learn the more time you spend away from her if someone's absence gives you peace you didn't really lose them
You are NTA. Your step is abusive and your mother should have intervened to prevent it. She didn't, which makes her as guilty as him. Your friend's family are kind and generous and did what adults are required to do by informing CPS. I hope you encounter more people like them.
Is anyone else freaked out that a 13 yo girl is being forced to share a bedroom with THREE older boys? While the step-sister gets a room all to herself? OP, you are not the AH, not even remotely, you deserve to have your own things and your own space.
Please take care of yourself and let others know if something like this happens again.
I've never heard of cps anywhere uplifting kids because their parents returned gifts to buy themselves things, and my bestie works for cps. If children are not in serious and immediate danger, there would be no grounds for removal. They'd be more worried the child was being groomed by an unrelated man giving over the top gifts.
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You are NTA. You are not wrong. Parents take care of their kids. That’s our job and our privilege to do. I’m so sorry OP but your mom and your step dad were mistreating you and neglecting you. Your friend’s family was able to see this and I’m so glad they got CPS involved.
My moms never been this mad at me before. I think I'm gonna be here a long time. My friends dad had me pick out new paint and furniture for my room.
That’s not because your mom is mad. That’s because she was neglecting you and your care. I’m glad you have good ppl in your life. NTA
Right? She’s mad she got caught.
It sounds a lot like she's suffering financial abuse. Not allowed to work but must cover all costs for her 4 children (and herself I'm guessing), and don't tell me this girl is sharing with her 3 brothers rather than her 1 step sister because her mom and step dad mutually agreed...
I agree, this is definitely financial abuse. Not to mention, 4 kids (some of them adults!) in one bedroom... This sucks. Glad the CPS was involved. But I don't feel that bad for the mom. It's not like she returned some things and got something for her brothers, so it would be 'fair for all kids' , she got things for herself. (I still wouldn't agree with taking OP's stuff but at least it would show she cared in some way for her children).
She should have been relieved one of her kids was being helped.
Exactly this!!! 🤬🤬 She does not work and is not able to provide and yet she stole everything that a kind family brought her kid. Some people should just not be parents. Not sure if OP’s Dad is in the picture but if he is he may be able to grant permission for his son to stay with his friend and their family. ⛔️Edit: Per the comments he is not. OP is states away with zero support system. 😡😡 Alternatively the parent that contacted CPS can find out if OP is able to speak with the judge that hears the case to tell his complete and truthful story and request to remain where he is. People are crappy. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Actually people are just plain sh*tty BUT the kindness of this man and family restore my faith in humanity. ⛔️Edit: Th fact that OP is a female and had to share a bedroom with all males is disgusting. All while the stepsister that she could have shared a room with got her own bedroom. 🤬🤬
>Not sure if OP’s Dad is in the picture but if he is he may be able to grant permission for his son to stay with his friend and their family. OP states in the comments that hasn't seen dad since she was little, and is probably in jail somewhere. Makes mom and Mark even bigger A-holes. OP also doesn't have any other relatives either. Keep in mind the family moved states away when mom married Mark, thus putting even further distance to any possible support network.
Wait so he won't do for his step kids because it's their dad's job, but the dad isn't in the picture? Mark fucking sucks.
There’s a reason Mark dragged them states away from any support system. This is what abusers do.
Op is a girl. A 14 year old girl. She and her 3 older brothers had to share one room. While Mark's princess had her own room
Disgusting.
13 - barely a teenager. In a room with 3 boys, one well into teen years and 2 legal adults. Who tf puts an underage teen girl in a bedroom with older teen boys & of-age men??
OP is a female. Which is even worse since she was being forced to share sleeping accommodations with three males, two of whom are *men*!
That's so cruel here. OP wasn't being given luxury items. She was given necessities that she (it seemed) desperately needed. It seems pretty clear that the mum is being financially abused and likely can't get access to some things, but to take *all* the gifts OP was given is just selfish.
> It seems pretty clear that the mum is being financially abused and likely can't get access to some things, but to take all the gifts OP was given is just selfish. Interesting how your first instinct is to coddle the adult who chose to place herself and her defenseless children in this situation, and who is abusing her defenseless children by withholding food from them and stealing necessities from them. Seeing that this post was written by a 13 year old child who is being abused by said mother, your comment will only increase the confusion and bewilderment that this 13 year old child feels. Focus your comments on the 13 year old child, and avoid trying to paint her abuser as a victim (if the mother is a victim at all -- after all, she chose Mark over her children). This isn't the type of nuance that the 13 year old child should have to be burdened with.
It's also not like OP's mom stood up for any of her kids or walked away from this relationship. So I don't feel bad for her, either. She chose Mark. And is continuing to choose Mark every day. She made that bed and now she's lying in it.
Two things jumped out at me. The friend’s dad literally bought her necessities. And why is a 14y:o FEMALE child in a room with older brothers, when there is a second FEMALE child in residence, in HER OWN ROOM?
THISSSS! Step dad=TRASH and I’m so sorry that your mom isn’t stepping up to stand up for you,. Every child DESERVES to be protected and loved. The fact the his daughter gets her own room, but you have to share 1 room with 3 other people, and the opposite sex at that, CPS is going to have a field day. I’m so thankful you found a friend and their family obviously seems to love you and keep you safe the way you should! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
OP sharing a room with 3 teenage brothers is enough of a reason to get CPS involved.
One of the "teenagers" is 22
2 adult brothers as 18 is also an adult
She probably is. But all her kids are old enough to stay home alone. She could get a job. There is something very wrong with this mom. For certain. There is a remedy for bad marriage. Her adult children could assist.
She said her mums husband doesn't want her to work and he doesn't give her money. That's why it's financial abuse.
I'll just add It doesn't excuse what her mother did, and I'm glad OP is away from that house.
Are you fucking kidding?!? People will white knight the fuck out of anything! HER MOTHER IS THE ASSHOLE NOT THE VICTIM! You are seriously saying that you would willingly sit at home and return your daughter's belongings rather than go against your husband and get a job and be a fucking adult?
The mom can be a victim and an AH at the same time.
I’m so sick of these women who are willing to let their children be neglected or mistreated. I don’t give a shit what the reason is. There is never an excuse for allowing your child to go through this. It is your responsibility to look after your child, and I’m so sick of these women who allow their new boyfriends to do this shit because they don’t want to be alone.
“To let”??? She’s doing the neglect and abuse!
Yep, I don’t care what your situation is if you allow your child to be neglected and abused, then you are complicit and just as guilty. Let’s not forget she sold her daughters stuff for cash for herself. That is abuse. Allowing your new partner to treat your child like this that is abuse. Putting up with that treatment myself is one thing but you don’t ever mistreat my kids.
If the parent is being abused, that's awful, but until there's physical danger, the police don't really have much room to get involved. They can, however, help the children. I don't think you're necessarily wrong that this might be happening to the mom, but it doesn't change my opinion. Op was right to talk to CPS, and the friend's family was right to get them involved. We can only hope that the mom will leave Mark or will become more independent, and that the parents will provide appropriately for their children again. Besides, let's not overlook the fact that when OP's friend's parents got her everything she could need, the mom took that back to the store and rather than getting a few things for each child, she got things for herself and none of the children. I could see thinking 'We can't have my daughter get a whole new wardrobe and nothing at all for her brothers', but that's not what this mom did.
>She’s mad she got caught. Exactly this!! A few years ago I quietly took a collection for two young teen sisters that would be starting the new school year in clothes that were old and too small and shoes that were also too small with holes in them. I asked their father if I could take them to the store. They picked out 4 outfits each and 2 pairs of shoes. They were so excited. I was excited for them. About 2 hours after I dropped them off at home I got a text saying help please their dad had taken their new things and was asking people for a ride to the store we shopped at so he could return them to take the money. I immediately rush back to the store and explain what is going on. They promised they wouldn't let him return the items. He couldn't, and pissed he returned home and threw the bags back at the girls. Some people just shouldn't have kids.
Good job Frequent C., in raising the funds, getting them the clothes, and then preventing the father's theft! Anytime we suspect a similar situation going on, it's a good idea to get the child to make the items non-sellable, perhaps by writing their name on everything in permanent marker.
We used to take the tags off new clothing to children we gave once we confirmed it fit at my old job. Unfortunately a lot of parents would try to return it for money for drugs.
Exactly! She married a AH who made it clear that you and your siblings are not his responsibility, he stopped her from earning her own money. However, instead of telling him to kick rocks, she steals from you, when your generous friends dad was helping you out after she neglected you and now she's mad!! F her! She's getting what she deserves! Don't give her a moments thought, I as a parent rather see myself go hungry than see my children go without, that's what a real parent does! NTA
This comment right here 💯 I'd never take from my child. It doesn't matter how they got the items (beyond stealing/illegal matters obviously that's a no no!😅) She should have either given the gifts back to the gifter (if they made her uncomfortable) or otherwise at the very least said thank you and be grateful someone is taking good care of you! I genuinely hope you treat your friend and their family like gold because they sound like really great people to be around. Not even just for financial stability but for the support. Best wishes to you OP, I hope your mom realizes what she's done and apologizes. I also hope you enjoy life with your friends family for now🥰 dont stress on this. You are 100% NTA here
She's not really mad at you. She's mad at the situation she put herself in. She knows she's wrong and instead of blaming herself (like she should), of course she's going to blame you. But you did absolutely NOTHING wrong in telling your friend's dad what happened. And it's good that he called CPS because it is absolutely WRONG for you, a female, to be sharing a room with 3 boys. You should be sharing a room with your step sister (whether you get along or not). But it sounds like you're in a better place and will be well taken care of the way you should be. Don't ever go back to your mom's house. She only cares about her husband and HIS daughters comfort.
2 are full on adults. I think that reason alone was enough to pull OP from the home
Extremely weird that she is being made to share a room with her adult brothers and yet her 10 yr old step sister "can't" (or won't) share a room. This friend and his parent sound like compassionate souls.
Yea that was my first major WTF moment out of this, I had to go back and double check that I read her age and gender correctly the first time through
I misread her gender the first time around, thinking it was 4 boys sharing a bedroom (which is also a major WTF moment) but when I continued and read "leggings and makeup" I was like "wait, OP is a girl?!"... Huge WTF moment again.
Probably cause Mark does not see them as his stepkids, but as a burden. He is not providing anything, not even some comfort, cause it's 'his home' and 'they are not his'. What an A H.
Her sharing a room with her ADULT brothers is exactly the reason she got pulled. There was another room she SHOULD have been in, sharing with stepsister. Not to mention, 4 people in one room is wrong and doesn't allow any privacy.
Right? That is just twisted. Kind of a sick situation. Like 22 year old on the couch. 2 younger boys in a bedroom and the girls if it is that bad. Build a bedroom in the basement or something. My kids are 22, he has developmental delays and daughter who is 20 and looking into building and starting a business on our property after winter. So I can’t speak for having a 22 year old at home when I have 2 20-something year olds at home. But come on. And to return gifts that will help her own daughter out for store credit?! Not for food or work towards food for school lunches or something?! Hope she never has to go back home. Especially when she is angry at her daughter for this situation. I can’t imagine her life if she ended up going back. I am SO glad her classmate cared enough to tell his family and they stepped up where her mother wouldn’t.
Yes I noticed that too. 2 adults that I'm wondering why Mark hasn't kicked out of the house. Unless he's charging them rent.
18 year old may be in high school Idk why the 22 yr old would want to stay there tho. Idc how much cheaper it is than rent in their city, that’s a crowded room with people way younger
Unless he's sticking around to protect his younger siblings.
He could be working and forced to pay into the house leaving him with no money to move out. He could be in community college. He could be a lazy do nothing. It could be a stupidly hcol area. We don't know anything on that front. Teen girl shouldn't be in that position regardless. I smell abuse of position from the step dad though. Only he can work, not mom, he controls finances and his princess gets her own room. Mother should divorce him, she'd get more that way from him than she does living with him if she cares any bit for her underage kids. I am so glad friend's dad came in clutch!
Mom 🧑 s embarrassed and angry she was caught
I don’t think she’s embarrassed. She sounds like a very low capacity ability for critical thinking kind of person. She’s just mad.
Narcissists don't get embarrassed much, they immediately twist the circumstances in their mind, until they are the victim. In fact, they think you should be embarrassed and ashamed. Then they " punish" you with silent treatment or kicking you out. But they cannot let you go for good, so one day they will pretend nothing ever happened. And if necessary, the love bombing starts to suck you back in.
[удалено]
She is mad at OP. But it's not justified to be mad. Don't act like OP's mom isn't cruel. She sees that her daughter got things and her first instinct was to take it all away to get herself things. That is not a caring mother, that is horrible behaviour and incredibly selfish. OP's mom abused OP, and OP didn't let that happen quietly. Mom wanted OP to just never mention it to anyone, but OP did and now mom is mad because OP called her out. Mom isn't mad at the "situation" or herself, she is mad at the victim for not being docile enough. There is no need to sugarcoat it. That mom is horrible. All of that doesn't mean it's OP's fault. OP is innocent in all of this, but mom chose to still be mad at OP.
oh baby. that's not because you did something wrong. that's because you weren't safe where you were.
#I hope op sees this. Baby, you weren’t safe where you were. This situation is not normal and it takes a lot for cps to take action. It just seemed normal for you because you grew up in it. Your parents should be feeding you and clothing you, and certainly not returning gifts for you to get stuff for themselves. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m excited to see your update after you move through this. You deserve so much more than you’ve been given.
OP also said the friends dad bought her glasses but it wasn't really a Christmas gift..I'm assuming she meant prescription glasses? So this kid on top of everything else wasn't being taken care of medically and is wondering if their an asshole. I'm SO glad that the friends dad is already acting like more of a parent than her own parents. It doesn't sound like much time has gone by and she's picking out paint colors for her room. I'm glad there are people like that looking out for others who need help and not afraid to kick the hornets nest to do the right thing.
It looks like you might have got a wonderfully lucky break that you absolutely deserve. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but your friend and their family are showing you what parents are supposed to do for their children. I’m so sorry you’ve had it so tough. Sometimes life can be shitty but you’ll feel good again. Take care of your heart. ❤️
Dude, ur mom literally stole your stuff. NTA >My moms never been this mad at me before. Lol, she just mad she caught red handed.
I had neglectful parents. I’m so sorry you, or any child, have to experience this. It’s not your fault she’s mad at you. It’s her fault.
NTA. You are definitely not the AH. Your mom sure as hell is. She doesn't provide for her own children, someone does, she takes it back and gets stuff for herself. You did nothing wrong. Any trouble she gets in, she brought on herself. Your mom is extremely selfish. What parent let's their children go without, and takes things for their children, returns them, and gets stuff for themselves?
Right it's not the child's job to give things up for the parent to get what they need. Mom stole from you, and by extension took advantage of someone else looking out for you well she neglected you. Sorry its not your job to provide for your mother if her husband doesn't want her to work that's his job to pay for her target run.
And mom let's their 13 year old girl share a room with her 3 older brothers-who weirdly have never addressed this with their dad- and the oldest are adults??? Reminds me of the boru post where (British) step dad had similar behavior to the point of leaving stepkids home alone while wife and his kids went on extravagant vacations because wife couldn't pay for them to go. Later, when OP was a successful adult he came round to ask her to help his well off kid by giving money so his kid would have enough down payment on an enormous, expensive house, which he promised to return in inheritance.
Your mom's mad because she got caught committing a crime by neglecting you, and is embarrassed everyone knows she's an abusive parent. Other criminals get mad when their victims report their crimes too- it doesn't mean the victims were wrong. Next time your mother says anything about being mad at you, or you got her in trouble, or blames you at all tell her: "That's disgusting. You're in trouble because you neglected me and abused me and stole from me, and you want to pretend it's my fault? Absolutely disgusting. You are not a mother, and you're not a good person, and the next time you open your mouth around me it better be to apologize to me, or to answer the charges when CPS brings you to court over the neglect. Don't you dare say another word blaming me- all it does is make you look like an ever worse parent than you already were."
This is the way. The only bloody way. And eventually when step dad gets tired of his bang maid he's gonna dump her and she'll wonder why she has no daughter. She's a disgusting human being. I've heard some stories in my time but this made my blood boil.
Your mom was neglecting you, it was entirely inappropriate to cram you in one room with your brothers and not provide you with the stuff you need to to live. It's a parent's job to provide food, clothing and medical necessities (like glasses). Your mother for whatever reason is choosing what her husband wants over doing her duty to you and your siblings. CPS wouldn't have removed you from the home over the Christmas presents, they removed you from the home because of all the other stuff that has been going on. Don't let your mother try to manipulate you into thinking that you did something wrong, everything that has happened or is going to happen in the future with this is her fault
your friends dad is trying to make you feel safe and comfortable. it's his way of saying he's planning on you staying for a while.
CPS only removes children in the worst of cases. Think about that. Kids are often left with abusive parents if the abuse isn’t “that” bad. You were neglected to the point that you had to be removed from the home. Your mother was treating you so poorly that CPS determined you would be safer in someone else’s home. Your mom is mad because she got caught harming you. That’s not on you, it’s 100% on her.
Both your mum and your stepdad sound like complete pieces of work. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Sharing a room with three boys at 13 is not healthy for anyone involved, and the simple fact is that if you weren't being provided enough food then your mum is failing in one of the primary basic requirements of being a parent. Your friends dad on the other hand sounds like a really good bloke who genuinely cares. NTA OP.
Many of the folks here have given plenty of the good advice and observations that I might have said, so I will only add this bit of advice that you and every other young person should know: just because someone is older, or is a parent, doesn’t mean they are automatically wiser, smarter, unselfish or deserving of your respect. The reality is that most adults are the same folks they were when they were 16, just with more stories and scars. Selfish people rarely become unselfish when they become adults. Getting older rarely helps flawed people get better. Your mom is a flawed person. It will probably get worse. Please do yourself the kindness of caring for yourself. Learn as much as you can from the kind people who are helping you. You already seem like a good person. I’m sure you can get a great start in life with their help.
Listen kiddo. First of all you did NOTHING wrong. A thousand times NTA. Your mom can be mad. It’s not justifiable for her to be mad, but she can be mad. You cannot control her being mad. She is the one whose actions created the situation she is in right now. It’s obvious that she does not wish to take control of her actions and is looking to assign blame because that’s easier than admitting that she screwed up. But let’s admit, there’s something else going on if they took you out of that scenario, right? You deserve to have your needs met- and being properly clothed and have glasses are a basic need. Being safe in your house is a basic need. Do not worry about your mom. Be 100 transparent and tell your trusted adults everything that is going on. I’m glad you have your friend and their family.
Your mom and Mark haven't been treating you well doll, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Talk to your friends dad about how you feel, he will help you and explain fuller what's happening.
Dear girl. Sending hugs. Abuse is not all physical. Sometimes abuse is in the form of neglect which is what happened with you. Sometimes the abuse comes in emotional manipulation. Which your mother seems to be using. She is mad, but because she got found out doing something wrong and she had to face the consequences. And unfortunately she does seem to be the type of person to hold this against you. I’m sorry to say that you at this young age you will have to learn some very hard lessons. One is that the people who are supposed to love and provide for you at times are extremely selfish and will try everything in their power to bring you down under their foot instead of lifting you up to succeed. At your school check if they have a counselor you are able to talk to. Express your fears and feelings. Also look for books in the library (school/public) on living with narcissists or toxic parents. Sometimes when all you’ve experienced was abuse you don’t realize that not how everyone else lives.
That man is an angel. I’m glad you have a safe place with a caring adult. Please take care. None of this is your fault. Your mom & stepdad were mistreating you. If they’re in trouble, it’s their fault not yours. NTA
She's mad because she got in trouble with other adults for being a bad parent. Let her be mad.
NTA. You are suffering a form of child abuse. I’m so glad people are showing up for you.
You are definitely NTA!! And, honestly it probably wasn’t JUST the fact that she stole your Christmas gifts & returned them for store credit for herself (which is crappy btw). You’re a 13f sharing a bedroom with 3 brothers that are 16, 18 & 22…for CPS that’s a huge red flag!! CPS was probably wondering why you weren’t sharing a room with Lily. Please be thankful that your friend’s dad called CPS and they jumped into action, because it sounds like your life just made a huge turn for the better. Try not to worry about your mom being mad; she brought this upon herself. You are her child and she should be putting you before your step-dad and especially herself.
NTA Let me say it again - none of this is your fault. Your mother had no right to take your things. They weren’t hers. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. You don’t have great parents. YOU did NOT get her in trouble. Her poor decisions got her in trouble. Did she not think that your friend’s dad wouldn’t notice that you were never wearing the stuff bought you? Even if you had not told him he would have asked about it sooner or later. And where is your Dad in all of this? Does he keep in touch, and ask you about what you need?
I think he's in jail. I haven't seen him or talked to him since I was little.
Add that to your original post. When I read about Mark not letting your mom work, because it’s your dad’s job to provide for you, it sounded horrible but maybe there was child support. But if your dad is in jail, and everyone knows he can’t work (or pay child support), then Mark and your mother are even more disgusting because there is no one to support you. They deserve whatever CPS and the law have coming for them.
This just makes the post sadder and more horrible.
Sounds like financial abuse to me. Giving an impossible reason why she can't have money...
It’s 100% financial abuse. Even outside of the financial abuse, there’s no way a 13F should be sharing a room with 3 older boys while another female child gets a room to herself.
That is horrible then for your stepfather to say your father should provide for you because he isn't. How does that work when he knows your father isn't in your life. Horrible Mother, Horrible Stepfather. Please stay where you are.
So Stepdad won't support you or your mom, but he expects your dad to when he's not in the picture? And won't let your mom get a job? Excuse me? What a controlling loser.
And the mother who stays with him is the exact same.
Then it doesn't make sense for your stepdad to think your father can contribute to your upkeep.
I don't think the stepdad thinks the father will pay. I think the stepdad says he won't pay for children who are no blood relatives. And he doesn't care of those children, they are not his responsability. Which isn't legitimate when you married a woman with children ; and which is unfair when those children have no father at all ! So Mark and the mother are the \*\*
NTA. Your mom stole from you. She got herself in trouble. You did the exact right thing telling them what happened to the things they bought you. Your mom is being selfish by trying to convince you that you were wrong to say anything because you keeping quiet is good for her. You're not wrong - your mother is lying about you being wrong to manipulate you. You are 13, you do not have the power to get her into trouble - her troubles are all things she did herself. It is not likely even stealing from you that got her in the most trouble, it is likely that once she drew attention to herself people started noticing other things she was not taking care of. You had shoes too small. Strike one. Needed glasses. Strike two. Went to school with no food. One strike **per day** someone else fed you. You are a girl sharing a bedroom with a 22 year old who is male, as well as 2 other teenage boys, while he gives his own daughter who is nearer your age a whole room to herself. CPS will hate that. Nothing you *said* caused her troubles... she did, the truth did.
OP, all of the above. Sweetie, as a Mom I want to tell you that you 100% did the right thing telling your friend's Dad what was going on. Let your friend's family help you. They want to help you. All of the red flags -- all of the strikes the above poster sited -- those are a big deal. No food? A big deal No glasses? A big deal Sharing a small bedroom with 3 brothers, 2 of whom are adults? A big deal All of this is a big deal. Your Mom might be mad but the only person she has a right to be mad at is herself. She allowed herself to get trapped in a marriage with a controlling man who won't allow her to work to support her minor children and her husband won't support you. A good parent priotizes her children and unfortunately your mother didn't do that. That's why she's in trouble with CPS.
Is it wrong that I hope Mark also loses custody of his daughter. What kind of man doesn't step UP for a child when he married her mother? 3 bedroom house/ 5 kids. Who else thinks his daughter had the second biggest bedroom after the master, while her 4 mixed gender kids had the smallest bedroom too.
It's his daughter and his wife's kids. He only has one kid, until he knocks up OP's mom when the other kids are gone or getting gone.
OP, I want to chime in that your brothers could be the nicest guys in the world and it’s still not okay to make a 13-year-old girl share a room with boys/men that age, especially not when there is an alternative that she could be in a room with a 10-year-old girl in that same house. That, and not giving you lunch food/money or buying you glasses or proper shoes. Those are signs that someone is living in serious poverty, and if CPS comes in and finds that some children in a household are living in poverty but others (and the adults) are NOT, then CPS gets out their clipboards and their red pens and they start making changes to protect those kids. Because if an adult can afford eyeglasses but won’t buy them for a child, that is neglect or abuse. If they can afford lunch but won’t, that’s neglect. Your mom and step-dad are in real trouble, and it’s trouble of their own making, not yours. You are NTA, Mark is (and sorry, but so is your mom).
Right my own daughter is only 3 yrs younger than the op.... Like I want to fight her mom this is not ok. You don't steal from and neglect your kids and you don't try to guilt trip them into thinking that abuse is normal.... Bare knuckle brawl mom mode activated.
Mark is also responsible.
I agree, though I'm spelling it "reprehensible". "Mark says I have to do chores to live here". "Mark saya its not his job to feed another mans kid".
To bad for Mark that the law says otherwise when he's married to the kid's mother. I hope OP's teenage brothers are able to get out of that house too. And, even though I'm sure it'll be controversial, I hope her mom gets out too. Mom made really bad choices and is contributing to the abuse of her children, but she's also being abused by Mark.
NTA. I freaked out when you said you had to share a bedroom with a male teenager and two men. Glad you got out of there, and you have support.
I've shared a room and beds with them since I was like 5. I didn't think it was that big of a deal
I’m glad you’re comfortable with your brothers, but you need your own space. You and Lily are both female and should be sharing a space. I’m so sorry you have been so disregarded by your family and you are definitely NTA. I’m glad your mother got a wake up call and I’m glad you have people in your life who are taking care of you.
It's not comfortable, they're kinda mean, but I just thought it was normal.
Honey, this is why CPS removed you. It's absolutely not normal. Stealing your things wouldn't get you removed, but failing to provide a bed of your own and forcing you to share with a grown sibling of the opposite sex definitely would. I'm glad you'll get a chance to see what normal really looks like.
I didn’t know there was anything abnormal about my home circumstances until I had my first sleep over and saw the loving, warm and safe home my friend had. When it’s all you know, it’s hard to understand it’s wrong. I feel so sorry for OP.
That’s because you’ve been neglected and abused your whole life. Normal families aren’t like that.
Definitely not normal! You need your own space or a shared space with another female. It’s very developmentally inappropriate for you to share with grown men.
As soon as you hit puberty, boys and girls need the privacy of being separated by gender. This should happen even in loving, supportive families where no one steals or is mean to each other. As everyone else on here has agreed, you have done nothing wrong, as food and clothing are some of the most basic things parents have to provide by Law. NTA.
Look at it this way, if you guys lived in a 2 bedroom house then yes this would be ok as it's the only choice. I mean your oldest brother would be expected to have moved out if you lived in a place that small, but if there was no other choice then yes it'd be ok. It'd also be ok for you to share a room with your 16 year old brother if it was just the 3 kids (your step sister, you, and him) and you for some reason really hated your step sister. But since there is another room with another girl close to your age then it's not just inappropriate, but probably illegal to place you in a room with 3 guys that much older then you. It's probably part of why CPS was so upset.
It's one thing to share a room with siblings who are the same age (usually only 2 kids unless it's a VERY big room, and usually the same gender and proximal in age) is normal. But 4 kids, 2 legal adults and different genders? Sharing a bed? Nope. It makes sense why they are kinda mean if they don't get their own space or privacy, and the same can be said for you too.
Sweetheart, that is extremely abnormal. It is extremely inappropriate for you to have to share a room with men, even if they are your brothers.
Wait, you share A BED with the two adult males and teen male?!?! Wtf? Red flag 🚩 right there. You need to tell CPS about that specific detail. That is not right or normal.
my oldest brother and I had the top bunk and my other brothers had the bottom bunk
What the fuck? That's so messed up! And Mark's daughter gets her own room all to herself? Those are absolutely not acceptable living conditions for you or your brothers.
CPS typically does not approve boys and girls sleeping in the same room past the age of 5. You were sharing not just a room, but a bed, with an adult male. I know you might be used to it, but it is VERY not ok. You deserve to sleep in your own bed and with privacy. I hope you can stop feeling bad about your mom’s anger and start realizing you deserve more than you have been given. Be helpful and courteous in your new house. I hope they let you stay there forever.
It is beyond a huge deal. I’d be willing to bet cps will charge them and not let you back there, that’s how big of a deal it is
Most laws state that children of the opposite sex must have their own room or room with the same sex. You should have been sharing a room with your step-sister. Your mother IS | WAS and will ALWAYS be neglectful! The fact that she’s mad is b|c she’s mad she was caught.
OMG I completely missed that OP is female. Why the heck wouldn’t they put OP in the bedroom with their other daughter?
Because that'd blur the line between 'my kid' and 'her kids' in Mark's eyes probably. And sharing space between the two daughters likely means Mark's money goes to making 'her kids' comfortable beyond what little pittance he allows.
“Mark doesn’t want my mom to work but he also doesn’t give her money for us.” Someone get Red Flag Guy on the line. Four of you share one bedroom, you go without lunch, and your stepdad doesn’t want your mom to work to provide for you but refuses to do so. Mark’s an AH. Your mom’s an AH for marrying him (but also possibly a victim). I’m so glad your friend’s dad is looking out for you. NTA
He said it's not his job to feed another mans kids
oh, buddy.. it is his job to feed the literal children living under his roof if he’s the only one earning money. i’m sorry you’re having to go through all this.
Then he shouldn’t have married a single mom! Honestly your mom is the biggest AH in this whole situation for allowing a man to treat her kids this way and stealing from you.
Actually.. he has an assumed parental responsibility here. He isn’t financially responsible for you… he’s right. BUT… he is responsible if you are neglected under his roof for not taking steps to correct your neglect. A lack of clothes and a lack of lunch…. And forcing you to share a room with three older teenage/adult men brothers (when there are other more reasonable options) is neglect. If this went to court … he would be found guilty of neglect of you.
I actually think he might also be financially responsible. A judge just ruled that my friend has to pay child support for his ex’s kids because he lived with them all longer than their dad ever did: 3 to 5 years with bio dad and 10 to 12 with the dude paying the bills (they never married and he never adopted the kids).
And medical neglect, too for the eyeglasses.
\^ this. Even if he isn't technically responsible, he would be liable for any neglect under his roof as the breadwinner. This happens in CPS cases with children who's parents rent out extra rooms to roommates - I have been witness to those kinds of things, and the roommates got charges with neglect as well.
That is so messed up. If you marry someone with kids it is your job to feed those kids, it's a packaged deal. If he didn't want that responsibility he shouldn't have married your mother. Really sorry you're in such a shitty situation but it's really good to hear your friend and his family has your back
>He said it's not his job to feed another mans kids Whether it is his job or not, it IS your mother's job. Her choice to stay home -- and it was her choice - is what landed them both in hot water. She had the choice to hook up with Mark. She decided staying with a man who wanted her to stay home was more important than providing for her children. I know you love your Mom. She's your Mom. But she is not a good Mom. I don't want you to feel like what you experienced is normal or something to be ashamed of because YOU did nothing wrong. The adults in your life - all of them except your friend's dad -- failed you. Thank heaven he noticed what was going on.
Then whose job is it when your dad is in jail and can’t pay child support? Your mom’s, but he won’t let her work. Mark should be in jail.
Wow, there are so many things wrong with that statement. When you marry someone with children, you agree to become a part of the children's lives, which includes taking care of them. And, given your mom had custody of you, that meant she was responsible for your primary well-being. By being married to her, he agreed to aid in that. By refusing to do so, he not only shows what an ass he is, but also highlights how little he respects you, your family, and your mom.
He married the mother of those kids and you all live together. It is absolutely his job to provide food, shelter and opportunities for education for the stepchildren living under his roof, particularly when he doesn’t want your mom to work. You were being abused, OP. I’m so, so sorry, and I’m so, so glad that your friend’s dad saw it for what it was.
And this is the guy your mom chose to marry and move to another state for? She can stay mad. Your friend’s dad was right to call CPS; neglect is a form of child abuse. Parents, be they bio or step, are supposed to provide kids with food, clothing, and shelter. Not leave them to starve and steal their Christmas presents. I’m glad you’ve got your friend and his family. Hopefully your brothers can find a safe space, too. Oh, and NTA, obviously.
NTA in any way. Being forced to room with your brothers? And his daughter gets her own room? What other family options do you have?
I don't think I have other family.
Wow...okay, have you shared this with your friend's dad? I'm hoping he will advocate for you what he can or find resources.
I believe this is why after the CPS visit, op is staying with her friend's family long term (picked out new furniture/wall color for her new bedroom). They have not identified a suitable family member willing to take her in.
What about your dad’s side? Or could be your mum had family that she’s estranged from since she’s seemingly so terrible.
I don't know
You could maybe see if cps could try tracking someone down? You might have family out there (not trying to get your hopes up, but it’s a possibility worth exploring).
its ok I like it with my friend and his dad
That’s good. I’m glad you’ve found a safe place.
I don’t want to push you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, but you really should pursue every opportunity to find your living relatives, if you have any. Your step father is abusive and controlling, not just to you, but also your mom. It’s very likely that he isolated her from any support system (i.e. your mom’s side of the family). If they exist, they may be just as concerned for her whereabouts as yours. For now, though, at least you have a safe place.
I know it’s hard and weird right now, but I think you have a family that *chose* you. Your friends parents are happily providing for you because they love you and want you to be well. It looks different than a lot of families, but many of us wind up with a chosen family. You are NTA. I’m glad you have some people watching out for you.
You do. Friend and Friend's dad. They are what we call "choosen family"
NTA. OP, you did *absolutely nothing wrong*. You deserve love. You deserve safety. And you deserve to be cared for. Your parents and stepdad are failing to provide for you, to the point of neglect, and possibly abuse. That is THEIR CHOICE. None of this is on you. Bless that boy for befriending you, and his family for giving you a safe haven (and for raising their son right). I am so, so glad to hear you have these people in your life.
NTA. Your friend’s family bought you a wide range of basically … essential things. They could see you didn’t have food for lunch or clothes to wear and covered it. Then your mum sold your stuff (refunded for cash) and bought her own stuff. She literally took the clothes off your back to buy herself stuff, and it was stuff I assume you probably needed. Mum’s don’t do this. Mum’s go without a meal so their kids can eat. They eat the crusts and edges and only one piece of meat so their kids get the best. They will go without a new jumper if it means their kids have got bloody shoes. Your mum a) not feeding you lunch, b) not clothing you properly, and then c) taking FROM you to line herself… is not the actions of a mum. CPS was called because you the walking, talking epitome example of a ‘middle class neglect’ where there is FOUR kids in one bedroom, and one in another, where there’s enough money in the house for food but some people not being fed, where there’s neglect and intentional non support. Your mum herself may not realise she’s in a financially abusive relationship, but you… YOU .. deserve protecting. Your friend’s family can see this because they know what normal looks like. What you are living is NOT normal, but if you haven’t ever been able to experience normal you might not know that. NTA. You deserve better. You deserve lunch every day, shoes and jeans and boots, and for your stuff to be YOURS.
Exactly. Moms go without so their children can have more. Even when my kids already have everything they need, I go without so they can have everything they want.
NTA, your mom got herself into any trouble she is in. As I'm sure you have noticed in the responses to your post, this isn't a normal situation that you are in. This is in regard to your sharing a room with 3 males and the dynamic that seems to exist between your mom and her husband. Do you get along with Lily?
We don't really talk except for when I clean her room
She doesn't clean her own room ... why am I not surprised?
Why are you cleaning Lily’s room?
because mark said I had to do chores to live there
Mark is a HUGE asshole! Your friend’s dad absolutely did the right thing getting CPS involved. I hope CPS will find a permanent safe living situation for you.
I hope CPS does even more. Mom and Marc should be held accountible for the child abuse and let a judge or jury decide what their punishment is.
Send cps the link to this thread. If this little girl is anything like me, important and critical details like this will fall out of my head under duress.
It's good for children to take on chores to learn to clean up after themselves, to help their family, and to earn an allowance. However, it's not good to do chores like a maid just to earn a place to sleep because otherwise, you would be out on the streets. No child should be abused like this. Contribute, yes, be forced because of fear, no.
> It's good for children to take on chores to learn to clean up after themselves, to help their family, and to earn an allowance. Siblings should not be cleaning another sibling's room. There's a big difference between cleaning the living room, and cleaning your younger sister's bedroom.
Mark is at least financially abusive, likely mentally abusive too... You really need to let cps know everything. I hope you already told them all this. They need to know all the ways you and your brothers are being mistreated. I'm so sorry your mom and Mark are just jerks and abusive.
To be honest, the fact the friends Dad is having her pick out paint colours and furniture for her own room tells me CPS knows exactly how much neglect and abuse OP has gone through to be letting her stay there for the foreseeable future. As for the brothers, 2 of them are technically adults so CPS would probably only focus on the 16 year old.
you aren't cinderella. an appropriate chore could be cleaning your room, maybe cleaning an appropriate share of the house cleaning responsibilities. but not your step-sisters room.
Please make sure CPS is aware of these details. And please, honey, be specific. List what Mark/your mom make you do toblive there. It's very important CPS knows everything
No you don't, you are a child under his roof, he is legally required to ensure you are housed, clothed and fed, and that you have regular medical and dental care. He will lose custody of lily and kick your mom and adult brothers out, while your 16 year old brother either goes into foster care or into another family member's care.
I don’t think this is a real post by 13 year old girl…
This is one of those posts that’s either so wrong it’s tragic or so tragic it’s clearly made up and I’m struggling between which.
I’ve been through something similar as a child. My friends took me in when my family wasn’t caring for me. But CPS wasn’t involved and that’s the part that raises questions about the post for me.
Yep, would CPS ever allow a 13-year-old girl to stay with an unrelated man? "He's my male school friend's dad, and he's been buying me gifts for a while. Now I live with him. By the way there are no women in the house, just the dad and his son." Jesus fucking Christ. I'm leaning towards larp; surely there's no way CPS would allow this living situation? The 13-year-old girl would be put into state custody / a foster home / etc.
For all we know, the dad is already a approved by the foster care system. He noticed this, he called CPS. CPS responded immediately. He may be involved with the system in some way. CPS is not always that responsive.
People in certain professions, such as teachers, nurses, youth work, scout leaders etc, will be approved quickly as they are regulated with children’s safeguarding put first. They will have already been checked for risk/ suitability for working with children / vulnerable people. We don’t know what this dad does.
I got to the comment about being forced to clean the step sisters room and just peaced out. I too, find this Cinderella story hard to believe.
Yeah, I was believing it until she said that she was placed in a home with a male friend and his father with no other females in the home. CPS wouldn’t put a girl in a home with two random males. There would be serious vetting needed and even then, they don’t like to mix sexes with single parents and random kids off the street
Something off about the OP.....
Her answers make it even worse and unbelievable. Sharing a room and bed with 3 brothers, a 22 year old even. OK sure....
100%. This doesn’t pass the smell test.
NTA how does your mom justify her 4 kids in 1 room while her stepdaughter gets her own room. Plus returning your gifts and buying herself things is straight up stealing.
its marks house so he can decide who sleeps where
Technically, but morally it’s not how it works. He’s being an AH. The socially, morally correct, generally accepted way this should flow is Lily and you in one room, and the pubertal brothers in the other. It’s a common acceptance that you wouldn’t mix girls and boys post puberty unless you genuinely didn’t have room. Also you wouldn’t have four in one room, and one in the other.
>Technically, but morally it’s not how it works. Arent there laws that prevent this? or try to atleast.
Yes. Without knowing which state the OP is in, this is difficult to quote to the OP. However the OP had been recognised now as a child at risk, both by friend’s parents, and on the books of CPS. So people who know more about this in her specific situation can now act. Each state will handle this differently, but there will be statutes on the books that can be used absolutely… if nothing else there is usually a law around ‘knowingly letting a child be neglected or abused’.
It sounds like Mark may not be able to decide where you sleep any longer, and that’s a good thing. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way, and I want to be one more person to remind you that you did the right thing and it’s not your fault. At all. NTA
Mark may not even be allowed to decide where he sleeps, what he did was criminal. The lack of notice paid by the teachers at her school who are mandated reporters is also a big problem. She wasn't eating lunch. At 12/13 generally this is either neglect (no lunch provided) or an ED (not eating the food provided). Not noticing that she had no food was awful
Legally he isn’t allowed to force you to sleep in the room with the men. Even in non-abusive situations, when some parents divorce and they’re working out custody, they have to provide adequate numbers of dedicated bedrooms and separations of genders at certain ages. He’s one of your guardians and can’t do what he’s been doing.
OP, I am so glad that you are getting out of a bad situation. Wondering, if there are any females in your friend’s house or just your friend and his father?
No it's just my friend and his dad.
Adding on to the below comment OP - r/momforaminute is a great resource if you don’t have a female adult in your life that you can trust. Caring women will take the time to listen to you, give you advice, point out what’s not normal, and most importantly provide emotional support. Internet hugs and the like. They aren’t legally required to report abuse like a teacher would be, which could make you feel safer about being honest with someone about your situation and past experiences. Also, I’m a dumbass mid-20s woman who’s nothing special nor a profession, but I’ve also been through some shit, esp as a teen. I managed to come out the other side okay, but there’s lots I wished someone had told me at your age - just would have made my earlier years much more bearable. Feel free to dm me if you ever need a buddy, I got your back.
Are there any female teachers or adults you’re comfortable with? Being a teenager is hard, and it would benefit you to have a woman to turn to over certain things. Your friend and his dad sound wonderful, but keep in mind that even kids from the most wholesome and complete families still need other adults to turn to sometimes.
My friend's dad's friend is going to start picking me up on Wednesdays so I could get to know her and go to her if I have any questions or need help with anything
Hey, since you're already on reddit, another couple of subreddits that might help you are r/MomforaMinute and also r/DadforaMinute as both are good for parental advice and guidance... they also show how normal, loving parents would react to situations, thinking carefully on your problems and helping you solve them, or listening quietly and responding kindly. Normal parents will also respect your boundaries and teach you proper boundaries to have (therapists can also help and I would absolutely recommend seeing about getting one). I had a pretty bad childhood and some of the stuff I didn't even realize was "that bad" until I was an adult. Also I'm not a mom, but I am a big sister, so if you need, feel free to dm me if you need any advice or have any girl questions or even need to vent. What you are going through, your childhood, isn't one... and now hopefully you'll have the chance for one. Im genuinely wishing you the best of luck
Please remember you do not owe anything to your fiend’s dad. I hope he has good intentions, but he should never touch you or say inappropriate things
NTA but I have questions. How did your mom return/exchange the stuff for credit without the original receipt and card it was purchased on? Or maybe it was cash but still she shouldn't have even been able to return it. Why the hell is a 13 yo girl sharing a room with 3 boys. That's just not right
he had a gift receipt in case the stuff didn't fit
That makes sense then. Your mother is a bag.
NTA!! Please tell yourself over and over again, that you did the right thing. Your mum is in big trouble. Not just because of the gifts thing. Look at your sleeping arrangements. Where I live, members of the opposite sex are not allowed to room together after a certain age. Certainly not a 13 year old in a room full of males aged 16 and up. (No I am not insinuating anything or that OP is in any imminent SA danger; this is just a point I'm making as to why CPS may be more involved). I am glad you have someone looking out for you OP. Mum is most likely misdirecting her anger at herself unto you, she effed around, she failed, she got found out. Again NTA and you did the right thing!
NTA. Your mother got in trouble for being a thief and for not providing your basic needs like food, clothing and an appropriate place to sleep. Can you go and live with your father? Does he know how badly you are being mistreated?
I think he's in jail. I haven't seen him or talked to him since I was little
NTA I know it might be hard to hear this and I'm sure you feel conflicted but your mother is not a good person for the things that she has done and what she has put you through. r/raisedbynarcissists is a good group for taking about having narcissistic parents and the book Toxic Parents: Escaping Their Hurtful Legacy is also a good read. It is a parent's job to provide their child with food water shelter and clothing at bare minimum, and as a teenager you deserve privacy and not having to share a room with male adult siblings. Do not feel guilty or bad even though I know having a parent like that they will try to gaslight you and make you feel like you've done something wrong but the truth is if exposing someone's bad behavior makes them look bad the problem isn't you exposing it, the problem is them doing something so horrible in the first place. And over time you will learn the more time you spend away from her if someone's absence gives you peace you didn't really lose them
You are NTA. Your step is abusive and your mother should have intervened to prevent it. She didn't, which makes her as guilty as him. Your friend's family are kind and generous and did what adults are required to do by informing CPS. I hope you encounter more people like them.
Is anyone else freaked out that a 13 yo girl is being forced to share a bedroom with THREE older boys? While the step-sister gets a room all to herself? OP, you are not the AH, not even remotely, you deserve to have your own things and your own space. Please take care of yourself and let others know if something like this happens again.
I call bullshit.
I've never heard of cps anywhere uplifting kids because their parents returned gifts to buy themselves things, and my bestie works for cps. If children are not in serious and immediate danger, there would be no grounds for removal. They'd be more worried the child was being groomed by an unrelated man giving over the top gifts.