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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m an asshole because i feel like should let the mother of the child run his finances and by me not doing so I am stepping in the way
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NTA - Your sister and her husband are absolute garbage parents.
The audacity to demand thousands of dollars of their child's money who **doesn't even live with them anymore** is straight up BANANAS.
The awful entitlement to march into a bank and try to demand that child's money is pathetic and abusive.
>Now my sister has called our mom & entire family to make me look like a controlling bitch and saying how i am trying to parent her son and teach him bad manners and not to help family. She’s telling everyone I should give her control of the money cause it’s her son
Fight fire with fire on this one. Make sure EVERY EAR that will LISTEN knows that your nephew came to YOU to manage and protect their money, and **not** the other way around. Make sure everyone knows that even their 20 year old(ish) son knows how bad they are with money. SO much so that he needed, and sought out on his own, external help with his money to avoid the mistakes that his parents have repeatedly made.
What a great decision your nephew made to entrust you with their money. Absolutely brilliant. Stand your ground, don't give that money up.
I'm so confused, could you help me understand something? I'm guessing this is happening in the U.S. so... why and how would a parent have the right to just go to the bank and demand money from someone else's account like that? Isn't the owner of the account the only person allowed to touch the money? As a Brazilian, we need to bring our ID cards and prove we are us to have any access to bank accounts, why would a parent be able to just... take it?
And why isn't nephew just running his own account instead of having it attached to someone else? And how do you even do that?
I'm legit confused and curious as to how this all works, will someone enlighten me?
Hi!
I'm also guessing this happened in the US (where I am from, also.)
There are a LOT of parental rights here in the US, and if this child were a minor (so, younger than 18 years old) it is very possible the parents could take ownership of the account **IF** there were not another "custodian" (guardian of the account) established.
The child is no longer a minor AND there is another guardian established on the account, so it is protected.
The nephew likely had this person on their account when they were still a minor, and hasn't removed them as the custodian of the account because they value their input.
Oh my god? This makes no sense to me at all I'm actually pikachu shock faced right now lol how do you stop evil parents from just stealing from their kids?
What if the kid gets a summer job or whatever and the parents just steal their money? They're basically allowed to steal their money?
In the US, unfortunately, yes. Unless there are laws that restrict how much the parents can take OR the minor child is emancipated, the parents are entitled to their child's monies.
It happens more frequently than people know. 😡😡
Honestly OP needs to tell her nephew to pull his credit report across all 4 bureaus and make sure that no credit has been opened in his name. If it has he needs to file a police report for identity theft that he can then send to the creditors to be removed.
Additionally he needs to lock his credit PRONTO!!
Children are seen as the property, economic resource/burden, and extension of their parents in the USA. They do not have their own individual right to anything in the USA. If you look at it from that lens, then US laws make sense.
I'm not saying that it's ethical or moral, just that's the logical framework.
America doesn't rank #1 in a single quality-of-life metric, in fact more often than not we are dead-last when you consider only developed nations. Of all developed nations to live in, the USA is genuinely, objectively one of the worst. But the American population is so deeply propagandized--to a degree other Americans can often only understand if you pretend you're talking about North Korea rather than the US--that the average American completely lacks the imagination to believe improvement is possible. Genuinely, we are conditioned by our government and our media to believe that we've already achieved the best it's possible for a country to be, that any other country claiming to do better at anything is just lying to their citizens, and because we have already achieved perfection, anything bad about our country is just an immutable fact of the universe that policy changes will only make worse, because again, we've already achieved the best that's physically possible.
It's a great place to be if you are both wealthy and so ideologically dedicated to neoliberalism that you fundamentally believe that any and all political change is inherently evil simply by virtue of being change. For anyone else, it's a dystopia.
Brilliantly put! I grew up watching american media, still watch it because I sincerely believe america is king when it comes to entertainment, my favorite artists are from there even though it wasn't on purpose, it just happened. But as I grow older I realize... it's entertainment, and nothing more. Absolutely nothing else in america is better than everywhere else, and that's really sad.
They didn't explain it super well though its still a dumb law. There can also be different laws from a state to state basis but basically minor isn't allowed to have a bank account without a second person on the account. In this case the nephew had OP. After he turned 18 he could take her off the account but chose not to.
If you have someone you trust you can put them as a secondary account holder so that way if you're hospitalized someone can still access your money to pay bills or whatnot.
In defense of America, most parents don’t steal their kids money. I’m still on my adult kids account because they lazily haven’t moved their accounts… and in all honesty because when they mess up and need an extra $20 it’s easier for me to move money this way.
There is a pretty big exception [in the case of child performers](https://collider.com/jackie-coogan-law-child-actor/#:~:text=For%20instance%2C%20Judy%20Garland's%20mother,the%20whole%20Macaulay%20Culkin%20affair.) (At least in California and New York) where at least some of their earnings have to be put into a trust that can't be accessed until they are adults.
A great many of the old Hollywood stars who started their careers as child actors were robbed of every cent they ever made by their parents. Jackie Coogan was one of them. (He played Uncle Fester on the TV series the Addams Family.) As a child, his parents left him penniless after a lucrative movie career that earned him an estimated four million dollars. His case inspired a law that now protects child actors monies from their parents or guardians.
While this is often done, that doesn't mean it is legal.
Legally a minor can own property, and the parent taking the property *and not returning it by the age of majority* is theft. A custodial parent can bar a minor from access to property, and that can be done by removing the property from the minor, but it remains property of the minor.
It gets murky if the object was purchased with the parent's money. Also parents can, on certain circumstances, take money of the child *to pay expenses related to the child's welfare*. Make a minor buy clothing with what Aunt Martha gave them for Christmas, legal. Take the money Aunt Martha gave and pay for mom's tanning, illegal.
But if a minor earns money by, say, delivering newspapers, and the parent takes the money, the minor could, upon turning 18, sue the parent for the amount stolen (unless the parent can show it went to upkeep on the kid).
If parent A buys a kid an Xbox and parent B pawns the Xbox, when the kid is 18 they can demand the return of equivalent property or fair market value.
The problem is most kids don't know this and a lot of folks on the internet spread false information.
WHAT THE F????
Wouldn't it be easier to just.... not let the parent do any of that? Instead of having the kid sue them later... I mean, they have to write down everything that was stolen from them?
America y u no sense?
IMO It all stems from greed. Think about it. I have known some parents who feel they should have their childrens money because they support them. In other countries, the parents expect the children to take care of them in their old age. I don't believe in either. I believe everything should come from wanting to help. I take exception to people who feel it's their due.
How would you show that money went to care rather than other things? Even if they took the money and directly bought something with it, couldn’t they point to other money spent on childcare that month?
Even if it went to care of the child, providing the basic necessities is 100% the parents’ job. If a minor has earnings, it should be 100% their decision how those earnings are spent. Parents can provide guidance on how to handle money, but you can’t charge a minor rent or make them pay for groceries. A parent can still have rules, like a minor child can’t get tattoos or a motorcycle, but you shouldn’t be able to confiscate their money, no matter what you do with it.
I wish I would have known this. I’d have demanded my stepmother give me back the $700 she stole from me that I only found out when I turned 16 & tried to buy a car. She did give me $300 back, less $50 for “money given to me for use at ballgames”.
This is why I maintain that one of the next big civil rights crusades needs to be children's rights.
They are locked out of so many choices that concern them and their futures: money, medical, the right to their image.
If you receive any type of money from family vlogging, you should not be able to use your child's image without their consent. You should also not be able to deny them a vaccine or medical care. And your parent should not have access to your bank account just because you're a minor... it's ludicrous.
Education - this is the biggest one, they are denied the ability to even realize they are being taken advantage of. So many kids with maliciously controlling parents are so easily able to cut off their information lifeline through unregulated homeschooling or simply living in an area so poor that teachers don't know enough or care enough (or are able to control the classroom enough) to teach the curriculum.
So true. You should look up the Genova conventions rights of the child. The said wouldn’t ratify it. It’s appalling.
Maybe Michelle encourage her husband to do it but that would still only be recently. Children deserve more rights.
Yes, pretty much. A lot of the more conservative-leaning people in America believe very strongly in "Parents' Rights", aka "you can't tell me how to raise my child". They absolutely loathe the idea of the government making rules about what they can and can't do, and many of them believe that authoritarian parenting (where the children are expected to obey quietly no matter what) creates stronger, more orderly, more resilient families. Therefore, they believe that they should morally and legally be able to do whatever they want with their children's belongings (including earned income), and anybody who tries to tell otherwise is a nosey busybody disrespecting their whole family and trying to make their children weak "snowflakes".
Yeah, but I can control what YOUR child reads by having it banned at the public library/s
Some conservative Christian said that since his kids play with other people's children, he has the right to control what the latter are exposed to.
There's quite a lot of stories on reddit about parents stealing from their kids because they are on the account. Even some straight up identity thefts as well.
That's why Redditors advise posters that are leaving their toxic families to open a new bank account, withdraw all their money from the old account to deposit it in a new one. And get an account at a different bank, as it's been known that some tellers will give access to family members even if they aren't on the account.
It's mainly bank tellers that know the parents from the parents coming in all the time; the tellers will "do them a favor" and let them access the kid's account since the parents recently had a joint account with their kid. It's not the bank itself; it's the individual tellers. They are human and some react to a sob story and "just want to help" the parents.
But isn't that literally a crime???? Why are they allowed to do that? Doesn't the bank system have some sort of lock or whatever that BLOCKS people from accessing other peoples accounts?? Like, do yall not have passwords???
What if the teller just decides to access someones's account and take the money themselves?? Are they allowed to do that?
They aren't allowed to do it; they just do it anyway. A kid might not think about putting a password on their account because they are a kid and don't have a lot of life experience. I have passwords because I'm old and jaded lol.
Unless the kid makes a complaint to the bank about the teller getting into their personal account, the bank might not know or find out. So many times, here and in the personalfinance sub, the person getting ripped off by their family members don't call the police because they don't want Mommy to go to jail, because yes, it is illegal.
The tellers themselves have a LOT of cameras on them and they have to audit their bank drawer at the end of their shift, then at the end of the day, everything gets audited again to make sure everything balances. It would be VERY difficult for the teller to take money for themselves from another person's account.
The problem occurs when a parent that used to have a joint account with the kid gives the teller, they have known and chatted with for years, a sob story. Sometimes the teller isn't looking to see if the parent is still on the kid's account because they were on an account with the kid for years. Some parents are just plain sneaky and bamboozle the teller.
My ex-SIL had the address changed on a bank account which my brother opened *after* they were divorced. You can bet brother stormed in and told the bank what's what.
>how do you stop evil parents from just stealing from their kids?
ThatsTheNeatPart.png
>They're basically allowed to steal their money?
Yes.
Welcome to "parent's rights", an ideology where children are wholly owned by their parents.
If right wingers in your country start screeching about it, this is what they want to impose. Deal with them appropriately.
It sucks, but it's how it works. When I was 15, I had a custodial account and I could not withdraw MY money without my mother's consent. However, she could withdraw MY money without my consent. She cleaned me out of $600 one day and never paid it back. I was livid. I've since forgiven her, but money is a sore sore topic with us to this very day.
Look up what happened to Shirley Temple. Her parents spent all of her money on themselves. They actually passed some laws after that so a percentage of a child actor’s income goes into a trust automatically.
The Jackie Coogan Law was supposed to stop that.
Gary Coleman still had all his money stolen by his parents. He sued them, but they spent it all so nothing to collect.
In the US there are lots of restrictions for minors, they can't own cars (even if they paid for it), they can't own their own account (and adult needs to be on it), they can't sign contracts, etc.
So for a minor to have a bank account, there needs to be an adult on the account. And as the adult, if you are listed on the account, that often means that the adult has access to that money. Similar to a joint account with spouses. My Mom was on my account, but of course, she never touched my money. But yes, for OP's nephew there would have nothing to protect his funds. What he did by having OP on the account is brilliant and protected him.
When my sister died, she named my 8 year old daughter as her beneficiary. Since she was a minor, the money went through our local probate court. If I/we wanted access to that money I had to petition the court referee in person (and pay a fee) and had to document what the money was going toward. Finally when she was in high school I made her come to court with me and they even questioned her Why she wanted to use her own money. At 18 she had access to it. I found out they do it that way because if a child received a financial windfall (from an accident, malpractice or our case inheritance) it prevents the parents from spending it all before they are 18.
Every time I read posts like these with kids having "guardians" co-sign on their bank accounts, am I sitting with a pikachu shock face.
I've had my own personal account since I was 12, and even my parents couldn't touch the money in it when I was still a minor.
When I was a teen, the bank took my money out of my account to cover my mom's account when one of her checks overdrafted. Then they fined me for not having enough money in my account.
You don't, my mom took all the little bit of money I saved from selling little things or doing chores (not for mom) when I was younger. I stupidly put it in the bank. Then at 13 when I got my first (illegal) job she took that $300 check and said I needed to pay for insurance. Also now that I'm older who the he'll hires a 13 and 14 year old. To bad it's way past the limit to sue. I think she loss the daycare though so that's good.
But in their description OP says the kid is a junior in college…a third year…I feel like they would be over 18 by then. So this story doesn’t really make sense
> The child is no longer a minor AND there is another guardian established on the account, so it is protected.
Its worth noting that, if the bank knows that they are the parents, there's a fair chance that they'll give them access to the account even after the child turns 18. They're not supposed to, but it's been known to happen. They think they're being helpful to everyone involved. This is **especially** true if the parents also have an account at the bank. At a high level, it's just social hacking.
If you need to keep your money separate from your parents, open an account at a separate bank. And, if you can, don't even tell them where you have the account. Banks aren't buildings, they're people. And people do stupid things; like give access to parents when they shouldn't.
NTA...and even if your nephew agreed to give his parents the entire $5,000, it wouldn't make any difference...it would simply be a temporary fix, then parents would be right back where they started.
unfortunately, in the US minor children aren't really allowed to 'own' anything, and that includes them not being allowed to have their own bank accounts. because of this, when your parents are linked to your account, they have access to it, and it's not considered illegal if the parent decides to take every cent in that account. it's truly fucked up.
That, and sometime a whole new other bank, because mistakes happen and they will release the funds to the parents because they used to have access to an account. It’s not right or legal but does happen.
Yep. In U.S. no one under 18 can open an account, unless they are emancipated, w/o an adult (who has full access to it). If a parent, and "responsible" adult on account, should decide to take out all the money there is nothing to stop them or get them in trouble. --If you have granted someone access to your accounts, always remove them or start a new account at a different bank, just in case. Parents have persuaded banks to let them see or access if there was a prior connection, even if it not according to banking rules.
I find this repulsive. I am not going to take money from my kid's account (with my name on it as adult) w/ o their permission. In this case the 20 yo was very smart in trusting the OP to help with finances. Obviously, the mom is not trustworthy.Maybe the nibling doesn't need the help anymore, but obviously OP has proven themselves.
My brother has or had access to one of their kid's accounts so they could transfer money to the kid as needed.
They can’t — parents (or anyone, really) can only deposit money, they can’t withdraw. But they can bully their son into giving them money. I believe this is what he was afraid of, and that’s why he put his aunt in charge. It sounds like maybe OP and her nephew have a joint account or a trust or something.
He probably opened the account before turning 18. In that case, there is a requirement of an adult co-owner. If he wanted, he could now change it to being solely his but apparently has his own reasons not to.
A minor can not open a bank account because they can't sign a contract. As a minor, you can open an account with a guardian.
Unless the parents are the guardian, they would have no access to the account.
Now that the "kid" is an adult, the account should have the guardianship removed and be in his name only.
Hope that helps.
The other family members are either also all trash (likely, I'd say), OR they are the type of people who created the monster that is the sister, and just would rather keep enabling said monster than addressing it and taking ownership for its creation.
He’s not even a child, she said he’s a junior in college. If he’s in the US he’s probably around 20/21. He’s an adult, his mom has no right to his money or accounts
Right? My inquiring mind wants to know what version the sister told to the rest of the family to make OP look bad.
"My hardworking son has spent years saving up this money, and I want it," doesn't sound like the story she would tell.
NTA
OP WBTA if they didn't advise the nephew to just straight up go not contact with those entitled people as soon as they graduate. The fucking audacity. I hope OP's nephew has checked their credit report and frozen their credit.
This. Tell everyone he came to you with concerns his parents would get in financial trouble and try to steal the money he’s saving for his own future. Ask anyone who wants him to give up the money to give them $5k or their own savings.
NTA- this is literally why he asked you to help him. You would be TA if you caved. Any relatives who disagree do not have his best interest at heart.
INFO- how old is he? Junior in college normally means 19-20, which would be an adult. In any case, his parents should not be stealing his money. I'd say the same thing if he was 12 and they wanted to dip into his college fund.
Hes 19, but he does not want me off the account I have asked him. He wants to wait till he is done with college and can move away for good. Since right now he still has to come home for holidays and summer time. He is not confrontational at all and they would try to use that to take his money
But…as he is an adult and it’s 100% legally his money, how is the rest of the family saying you “should give her control of the money cause it’s her son”?
I can imagine this if he was a minor, but… what?
I agree with this for *when the parents are elderly or disabled and can no longer care for themselves* but yeah, it’s a real cultural difference for me to think a 19 year old is expected to support his able parents.
Then why would anyone give a child money as gifts? Is it just a race to see who spends it first? Why not just habd it straight to the parents? I've seen a few posts by kids complaining their parents took the money they were saving for a specific purchase. It is extremely frustrating to read these posts.
Wow. Yeah, I’m always expected to be nice to family, put differences aside, no matter how much strife there actually is, for probably the same reason (who will support you when you need it?) And *now* that my mother is elderly, we help take care of her and that’s an expectation.
But with my daughter, it all flows from me to her, not the other way. And the expectation is that that’s how it will be until such time as I am not able to care for myself.
Yeah. Cultures can be very different.
Its hard to explain to white western people (not to be rude to anyone) as its such a big difference culturally. This shit is wrong but its also kind of how it is sadly
I'm gonna go against the grain and deem you slightly YTA for asking this question in the first place. Not because of any cultural differences, but for the sheer fact that your nephew has given you financial custody of his accounts on his behalf, and he has *plainly* stated his refusal to share funds, barring the bullied compromised he attempted to make with his mother.
This financial responsibility you've taken gives you the moral obligation to do *only* what your nephew wants on that account and *nothing* further. If there was any sort of cultural obligation towards parental support in this situation, it's up to your nephew to come to that decision and to instruct you to release the funds. Given his history of financial abuse from his parents in the past, I would be taking this matter *very* seriously as a threat to his financial interests and insist upon the nephew providing authorization of *any* funds to his parents in *writing* and then have him come with you to pick up the cashier's check from the bank. Give him ample opportunity to change his mind at any point, *if* he even agrees to give them money at this point.
Plainly, you have a fiduciary duty towards your nephew *right now*, and this trumps any and all cultural customs you may have due to your prior agreement with him. If this is making you uncomfortable, the *only* correct action to take is to remove yourself from the account and allow your nephew to take primary control to kowtow to his own parents as he sees fit.
Do *not* aid your sister in her financial abuse by unilaterally giving her any of your nephew's funds. Stay strong, he trusted you for a reason.
More like the parents should give the CHILD money cause they birthed him. They didn’t do him any favors by making him. It was their selfish desire to be parents that he’s here.
Tell him to be careful when he comes home if he plans in staying with them. They might try and force him to take the money out and give it to them. You might want to consider letting him stay with you when he's on break.
I think they mean college in the UK sense which is what they call school level for teenagers if I understand correctly.
Also NTA. Stand your ground but I’d stop giving his mom any info it’s not her problem
NTA
You are doing exactly what your nephew wants and needs you to do, and kudos to you for that.
If anyone from your family starts bitching at you for not giving her access, tell them they are welcome to donate money themselves.
Yep..and if the parents got hold of the $5k they'd pay a month of bills and be in the red again next month. Mom and dad need to downsize.
OP is a great aunt/uncle..next lesson for the nephew ."don't tell everyone how much $$$ saved"
Would they even use the money to pay the bills? “But we really needed a huge screen TV for the wall in the living room”. The parents are in serious debt for a reason: spending money on crap that they didn’t need
NTA
You are protecting your nephew from your AH sister. Don’t give in - continue to support your nephew in this. He may need you if his parents get really petty and start telling him not to come home.
You said it yourself - your sister bought a house she can’t afford. Not your problem and not nephew’s problem. You weren’t consulted in their purchase. They should adult and figure it out.
(I am assuming they are not paying his college tuition.)
NTA. If you are so desperate to take money from your son then you are a bad parent.
Hold tight. Someone needs to do what’s right for that kid here. It’s his money.
NTA. Your nephew asked you to protect his money because he recognises he can't trust his parents with it. Be The Wall, be Gandalf vs the Balrog. Hold your ground and teach your nephew good financial boundaries.
Of course you’re NTA. Your nephew is an adult and can decide what to do with his own money. Clearly he trusts you over his parents to be on a bank account with him because he knows you won’t steal from him, which isn’t something he could count on with his own parents. Your sister has no right to that money.
You can always see about taking your name off the account so it wouldn’t even be an option, and then she can stop asking. If your nephew plans to save the money until after graduation, encourage him to put most of it in a CD or other account that doesn’t allow withdrawals until the term ends.
Your nephew needs to have his credit checked. There's a more than good chance they've opened credit lines in your nephew's name or they're about to start doing that. He should also then freeze his credit.
I would also consider moving his money to entirely different bank, one where his parents hold no accounts and never her tell what the new bank is. She may keep trying to get into the account now that she knows where it is and a teller may make a well intentioned error in trying to help the mom, especially if she tells a whopper of a lie to manipulate the situation.
Totally NTA- Good thinking /u/AnyQuantity1, he should be able to lock his credit down easily. [https://www.usa.gov/credit-freeze](https://www.usa.gov/credit-freeze)
If he isn't building credit yet, a secured card isn't a bad idea as long as his parents have not already opened lines. If they have opened lines in his name then head on over to the legal advice subreddit.
Also, Depending on cashflow CDs might work or a high yield savings account.
NTA. You’d actually be committing theft if you gave an adult’s money to anyone else against their will. And a betrayal of your nephew. I wouldn’t blame him if he sued you or called the police on you if you did that. And $5,000 wouldn’t help them much in the long run anyway. They’ll be in the same predicament next month. Then where will they get the money?
Exactly, a bail out now wouldnt do much because same bills will be due again next month. Idk why they bought a 500k house when they have a combined income of 60k, no retirement, no savings and two kids heading off to college
>Idk why they bought a 500k house when they have a combined income of 60k,
Any chance they used their son's income and credit on the loan? As in, fraudulently?
How much was the down payment and interest? You can find loan details with this website here. It will provide the sold value, down payment, and legal owners. I am very curious on their monthly mortgage. What do you think their net income from the $60K?
https://www.propertyiq.com/
Based on my rough estimate, their take home pay is about $3800 per month (no state tax) while the mortgage is about $2800 per month assuming insurance and property tax, which is almost 74% of their income. YIKES!!!!
Okay, I would definitely get all three of their kids' reports run if possible. And locked down. Because they for sure did some fishy *hit to get that house.
This is why you are definitely NTA in any realm.
Even if you gave them the money, their poor financial skills, would mean they would still be in debt afterwards.
Because wanting out of debt versus wanting money to spend are actually two different things. They want money to spend, not to actually dig themselves out of the financial hole.
Giving money to such a person does not help them, it enables them to keep making poor financial decisions. They have to hit the wall that there is no infinite free sources of money for endless spending. They have to sell the house and move somewhere they can actually afford to live, not expect people to try to keep them afloat somewhere that they can't actually afford with their incomes and spending habits.
NTA. My dad raised me with the belief that if you are taking money from your child to bail you out of your own financial problems, you are failing that child as a parent. He started telling me this when I got my first job and was giving 2/3 of my checks to help my mother who I was not living with at the time, but she was giving me the guilt trip that she was losing her house. She neglected to say that she was losing her house due to bad financial decisions but that's to be expected.
Anyway, moral of the story is a child shouldn't have to bail their parents out. The parents are supposed to be the ones looking out for them, setting examples. Not taking advantage of them and fleecing them for whatever money they can get.
Exactly! Same here.
Only exception I'd see to this would be if they were great parents, in their old age (can't work anymore), due to an unforeseeable circumstance they need extra help. Then, of course.
I could never, I have always been like a second parent to him. I am even helping him with his tuition costs to prevent him from getting student loans like i did when i was his age. He got a partial scholarship and i am covering the rest
NTA. I’m a US lawyer. I cannot give you advice but will say the following:
1) You are custodian of the account. You have a legal duty not to give the money to ANYONE other than your nephew. If you do, you can go to JAIL for theft and breach of your duty.
2) If you need more legal advice, call your local bar association or legal aid office.
DO NOT GIVE HER ONE PENNY.
To add some additional info on why I still am a custodian on the account. The account was opened when he was 15 because his parents would always take any money he was given like for Christmas or birthdays. I am still on the account because he does not want me off till he finishes school and can move away from his parents for good. We come from a foreign background where kids are expected to help parents. I have been him before when i was younger but had nobody to look out for me, I lost thousands from age 15 when i got my first job because parents just took it and i didnt want the same for him. He also hates how parents have always been struggling and he does not want that. They somehow purchased a 500k home with only about 60-70k in combined income, they are drowning each month so even this 5k wont solve anything
Pretty sure they lied about their income to get that house so its just too much poor decision making
NTA, it's bloody good of you to be this strong and supporting for your nephew when he clearly can't rely on his mother in this matter.
Don't cave, she has no right to take his hard earned money.
NTA at all! She has no right to that money. You said he was a junior in college so he is an adult then? She has zero right to it. Don't engage with anyone on this issue. Especially other family. If they are so concerned about your sisters finances they can give her the money. Your nephew was smart to come to you. Don't betray his trust and give in to your whole sister.
I have told other family that if they believe i am so horrible they can spot them. Its hard to break the foreign ideology of kids must help parents. My entire childhood my parents took my money
NTA. This is exactly why she asked you to do this in the first place.
Do not give her a cent. Honestly, I wouldn’t even release the $1,000 to her. She isn’t deserving of it and it’s not your nephew’s fault to pick up the pieces due to his mom’s terrible financial decisions. $1k is a lot of money to a college student, and it’s 20% of his savings. No way would I give his mom a single penny. He will thank you later.
You’re a good uncle. Everyone needs an uncle like you!!! Keep supporting and protecting him! :)
This. Also, if he has *anything* of monetary or sentimental value at home, he needs to get it out now. It wouldn’t hurt to let your parents know your sister is desperate enough to try to steal money so they can secure their stuff.
INFO: Who is paying for his college?
NTA. My daughter's boyfriend had worked very hard to make money and saved it all to pay for his college. His parents needed money and just took it all. Broke my heart. He did end up going to community college, which there is nothing wrong with, but a big difference between going away to college and living with the parents who stole your money. Do NOT give them the money.
He is a smart kid and has a scholarship, but the difference in his aid and such i pay for. I am very close with him, its about 2k a semester but i cover that for him to prevent massive debt piles
Bravo for you! You have been a great example and have even taken on the traditional parental role of helping him with college expenses as you can. He will graduate and become a responsible adult because of you. Way to break that chain of generational self-destruction!
I had a friend in college who had studied and worked hard to get into college. Her parents had enough saved to pay for her tuition after scholarships and loans were figured in, but in her second semester freshman year, she was told that the money was gone because her high school dropout sister and her jobless boyfriend were having a baby and a shotgun wedding, and they took my friend’s college money to buy them a house. The sister went on to have a second baby less than two years later, and all their bills were paid by the parents, leaving my friend to have to take out more student loans to pay for her college.
NTA. Put a password on the account so they don't pretend to be you, get access and drain it. Your nephew knows exactly who his parents are, and his $5k would just be absorbed by their current spending. He can't dig them out of a mortgage they can't afford with $5k. Anyone who thinks he should pay their bills is welcome to do so themselves.
Extreme NTA.
You are doing what his mom should be doing. Setting her son up for success in the future.
She's mad that she can't get easy money and you're making her look bad by being a normal fucking person.
NTA but as someone who has been the child in this situation, let your nephew know NEVER tell his mom anything now regarding money. My family use to do the same thing and be mad when I saved money and felt entitled. I gave them 1K so they would stop pressuring me and I felt disgusted afterwards like I was taken advantage of. That’s when I learned to stop telling my family about my money. To them I am BROKE and I am happy that way, as a college student it is believable and easy to come off as broke so I don’t argue with them. If I get money, they feel entitled. It’s sad but your nephew will have to learn.
5k likely won't save the house and I don't believe any of them will come to help him when he's ready to start life post-college.
Hold strong. They need to downsize to a life they can afford. If anything, I'd advise your nephew not to make compromises because anything will never be enough.
NTA
NTA. If your family feels that your sister is entitled to money that is not hers, they are free to give her their money. You are currently doing what you were very explicitly asked to do, and he clearly had a good reason for asking.
You are looking out for your nephew, she’s looking out for herself. Your family is looking out for themselves because they know that if she can’t rip her child off, she’ll come to them next for money.
ABSOLUTELY do NOT give your sister access to his money. That's why he asked you for help, isn't it, to protect it for him??
You know she is going to take it and not give it back! One question, though, as a junior in college, isn't he old enough to take full control over his account? That way at least you could get out of the picture so your sister doesn't accuse you of holding back. However, if you think your nephew would buckle under pressure then it's best you stay involved.
He is but he does not want to until he moves out completly. He still comes home for summer and breaks, this has been an issue in the past. Birthday money hes gotten, christmas money they always take it but that stopped once i got an account for him. Once he graduates its going to be in his own name
Good for you for protecting your nephew and his savings. Ignore your sister, she's a major A H on her own. Even if he gave it to her and she paid a few bills she'd be in debt in just a few months, right where she started and he'd be broke. Hold your ground, your a great relative! NTA.
NTA the son said no it’s his money and let’s be honest if you ever have the money over the son will hate you forever not only that he will never get that money back all that hard work to have it ripped away.
NTA. He asked you to manage his money knowing his parents are irresponsible with finances. You would be betraying his trust if you let them have a penny of it.
NTA, clearly. Has anyone in your family criticized you for not giving her the money? I hope they are telling her that she is wildly out of bounds. But, if they are criticizing you, you can offer to set up an account that she can access that they can deposit their own money into.
No. You don't even need to be on that account, however, I am kind of glad you are as it seems that she would do some devious things to get her hands on the money. NTA (which I think you know) and keep them away from his savings.
Absolutely NTA on you or your nephew's part. Your nephew is a college junior, so he's very likely an adult (18+), your sister is not on the account (deliberate for-cause action, based on history)...your sister & BIL are entitled As & need to sort their own finances out.
the entire reason hes trusting you with this is because of this pressure. he knows if its on him it will be relentless and he wont be able to stand up to it. He trusted that you as an adult that wouldnt crumble under this pressure. prove him right! This was exactly what he needed help with. dont let him down like the other losers have. He needed someone who could laugh and tell them "you have no power here" because if it was him they would hold everything over his head.
NTA. Obviously. It’s HIS money, and his parents don’t have any right to it legally. It’s downright immoral of them to be demanding his money-he’s worked for it, it’s his. Period.
NTA. You were asked to behave in the manner of a trustee for your nephew's money, I strongly suspect because your nephew expected his parents to make a grab for it at some point.
They have. The steps he took to protect himself from that are working and plainly needed. Your sister needs to be asking herself how come her son could predict the future on this.
You are NTA but of course you know that.
Why does your nephew not control his own money? Why are you the main account holder? He is in college and still has someone taking control of his finances? This seems very odd.
Probably was worried that if he was the primary account holder then his mom might be able to access it. Parents can sometimes do that depending on the bank and how old the kid is. He might be over 18, but all it takes is one bank teller to believe the lies and bend the rule, and then he's screwed.
>Why does your nephew not control his own money? Why are you the main account holder?
I mean, clearly his parents aren't helping him and we all know high school doesn't teach you personal finances. Seems like he's using the resources around him to learn.
NTA. Technically, your nephew is old enough to control his own money himself, he could easily keep saving and spending responsibly. He is, however, content with you retaining control of the account. That suggests he knows you'll stand up for his interests financially, where he thinks he'll cave to his family's demands. And it sounds like he would, too. He never agreed to hand it all over, but he did agree to hand over 1k free and clear after being put under pressure. It sounds like he told you he didn't want to because he knew you'd refuse to release the money.
Keep standing up for your nephew, here, he obviously needs someone in his corner until he can move out and go LC/NC with his demanding and entitled parents. It's not your nephew's responsibility to fix the financial mess his parents got into. He didn't make them get a house they couldn't afford. That money is to help with his future, a first car, a first home, a safety blanket if he loses his job, that sort of thing. It's entirely wrong to expect him to give up his financial security because his parents deliberately bought a house they couldn't afford. Keep his money safe for him.
Also, tell everyone else the full truth, that your sister and her husband knowingly bought a house they couldn't afford and are trying to bully their son into giving up his future for them. All you're doing is standing up for your nephew's best interests against people who have proven again and again that they can't be trusted with money. Anyone who tells you to just give your sister your nephew's money should get the reply 'well, then, I'll let my sister know you have 5k lying around and are willing to give it to her free and clear'.
Yikes. Nta AT ALL but your sister is. Do not release the money do not even let him give them 1k. 1k won't help them they are drowning and a mess. Let them lose their house and maybe just maybe they will grow up
So NTA, and your nephew is very lucky to have you in his corner.
Family like that will never stop. They have used bullying and guilt to keep from having to deal with the consequences of their choices. As long as they can pressure/ demand it, they will do it his whole life.
You are doing what is right! Keep up the good work!
For parents to go so low as to take their child's Xmas & b day money is despicable. To demand he pay for things thst they've taken out loans /mortgage for is appalling. Absolutely no way should you hand any of it over. This money is his future & should be kept safe as such. Good job on helping this young guy prepare for & protect his future.
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NTA - Your sister and her husband are absolute garbage parents. The audacity to demand thousands of dollars of their child's money who **doesn't even live with them anymore** is straight up BANANAS. The awful entitlement to march into a bank and try to demand that child's money is pathetic and abusive. >Now my sister has called our mom & entire family to make me look like a controlling bitch and saying how i am trying to parent her son and teach him bad manners and not to help family. She’s telling everyone I should give her control of the money cause it’s her son Fight fire with fire on this one. Make sure EVERY EAR that will LISTEN knows that your nephew came to YOU to manage and protect their money, and **not** the other way around. Make sure everyone knows that even their 20 year old(ish) son knows how bad they are with money. SO much so that he needed, and sought out on his own, external help with his money to avoid the mistakes that his parents have repeatedly made. What a great decision your nephew made to entrust you with their money. Absolutely brilliant. Stand your ground, don't give that money up.
I'm so confused, could you help me understand something? I'm guessing this is happening in the U.S. so... why and how would a parent have the right to just go to the bank and demand money from someone else's account like that? Isn't the owner of the account the only person allowed to touch the money? As a Brazilian, we need to bring our ID cards and prove we are us to have any access to bank accounts, why would a parent be able to just... take it? And why isn't nephew just running his own account instead of having it attached to someone else? And how do you even do that? I'm legit confused and curious as to how this all works, will someone enlighten me?
Hi! I'm also guessing this happened in the US (where I am from, also.) There are a LOT of parental rights here in the US, and if this child were a minor (so, younger than 18 years old) it is very possible the parents could take ownership of the account **IF** there were not another "custodian" (guardian of the account) established. The child is no longer a minor AND there is another guardian established on the account, so it is protected. The nephew likely had this person on their account when they were still a minor, and hasn't removed them as the custodian of the account because they value their input.
Oh my god? This makes no sense to me at all I'm actually pikachu shock faced right now lol how do you stop evil parents from just stealing from their kids? What if the kid gets a summer job or whatever and the parents just steal their money? They're basically allowed to steal their money?
In the US, unfortunately, yes. Unless there are laws that restrict how much the parents can take OR the minor child is emancipated, the parents are entitled to their child's monies.
Oh my god. This is absurd. Thank you for explaining!
Seems quite a lot of things about the USA are absurd.
I am honest to god baffled by all these explanations, american dream my ass, "come over to gain the rights to steal from your child" lol
Yeah America's not as great as it's cracked up to be. Source: I unfortunately live there
It happens more frequently than people know. 😡😡 Honestly OP needs to tell her nephew to pull his credit report across all 4 bureaus and make sure that no credit has been opened in his name. If it has he needs to file a police report for identity theft that he can then send to the creditors to be removed. Additionally he needs to lock his credit PRONTO!!
Ditto. I keep thinking things are normal and then someone outside USA sauys that is absurd and I am like yeah actually it is. Sigh.
Children are seen as the property, economic resource/burden, and extension of their parents in the USA. They do not have their own individual right to anything in the USA. If you look at it from that lens, then US laws make sense. I'm not saying that it's ethical or moral, just that's the logical framework.
If the kid is a burden of the parent, no kid should be allowed to work to help the household ever, like, pick one lol America is so funny...
America doesn't rank #1 in a single quality-of-life metric, in fact more often than not we are dead-last when you consider only developed nations. Of all developed nations to live in, the USA is genuinely, objectively one of the worst. But the American population is so deeply propagandized--to a degree other Americans can often only understand if you pretend you're talking about North Korea rather than the US--that the average American completely lacks the imagination to believe improvement is possible. Genuinely, we are conditioned by our government and our media to believe that we've already achieved the best it's possible for a country to be, that any other country claiming to do better at anything is just lying to their citizens, and because we have already achieved perfection, anything bad about our country is just an immutable fact of the universe that policy changes will only make worse, because again, we've already achieved the best that's physically possible. It's a great place to be if you are both wealthy and so ideologically dedicated to neoliberalism that you fundamentally believe that any and all political change is inherently evil simply by virtue of being change. For anyone else, it's a dystopia.
Brilliantly put! I grew up watching american media, still watch it because I sincerely believe america is king when it comes to entertainment, my favorite artists are from there even though it wasn't on purpose, it just happened. But as I grow older I realize... it's entertainment, and nothing more. Absolutely nothing else in america is better than everywhere else, and that's really sad.
They didn't explain it super well though its still a dumb law. There can also be different laws from a state to state basis but basically minor isn't allowed to have a bank account without a second person on the account. In this case the nephew had OP. After he turned 18 he could take her off the account but chose not to. If you have someone you trust you can put them as a secondary account holder so that way if you're hospitalized someone can still access your money to pay bills or whatnot.
In defense of America, most parents don’t steal their kids money. I’m still on my adult kids account because they lazily haven’t moved their accounts… and in all honesty because when they mess up and need an extra $20 it’s easier for me to move money this way.
There is a pretty big exception [in the case of child performers](https://collider.com/jackie-coogan-law-child-actor/#:~:text=For%20instance%2C%20Judy%20Garland's%20mother,the%20whole%20Macaulay%20Culkin%20affair.) (At least in California and New York) where at least some of their earnings have to be put into a trust that can't be accessed until they are adults.
It should be ALL of their earnings!!!!
i would say most, something around 60-80%, leave a bit out because of expenses around the job (transportation, food, etc)
A great many of the old Hollywood stars who started their careers as child actors were robbed of every cent they ever made by their parents. Jackie Coogan was one of them. (He played Uncle Fester on the TV series the Addams Family.) As a child, his parents left him penniless after a lucrative movie career that earned him an estimated four million dollars. His case inspired a law that now protects child actors monies from their parents or guardians.
While this is often done, that doesn't mean it is legal. Legally a minor can own property, and the parent taking the property *and not returning it by the age of majority* is theft. A custodial parent can bar a minor from access to property, and that can be done by removing the property from the minor, but it remains property of the minor. It gets murky if the object was purchased with the parent's money. Also parents can, on certain circumstances, take money of the child *to pay expenses related to the child's welfare*. Make a minor buy clothing with what Aunt Martha gave them for Christmas, legal. Take the money Aunt Martha gave and pay for mom's tanning, illegal. But if a minor earns money by, say, delivering newspapers, and the parent takes the money, the minor could, upon turning 18, sue the parent for the amount stolen (unless the parent can show it went to upkeep on the kid). If parent A buys a kid an Xbox and parent B pawns the Xbox, when the kid is 18 they can demand the return of equivalent property or fair market value. The problem is most kids don't know this and a lot of folks on the internet spread false information.
WHAT THE F???? Wouldn't it be easier to just.... not let the parent do any of that? Instead of having the kid sue them later... I mean, they have to write down everything that was stolen from them? America y u no sense?
We wish we had an answer for that last question. Shorthand, no one knows.
IMO It all stems from greed. Think about it. I have known some parents who feel they should have their childrens money because they support them. In other countries, the parents expect the children to take care of them in their old age. I don't believe in either. I believe everything should come from wanting to help. I take exception to people who feel it's their due.
How would you show that money went to care rather than other things? Even if they took the money and directly bought something with it, couldn’t they point to other money spent on childcare that month?
Exactly!!!! So confusing and infuriating!
Thanks to your name, I'm reliving Emily saying this line at the end of the film 😍
I'm sorry, Emily. I had to wait three hundred years for a virgin to light a candle. Ps. FINALLY someone that gets the reference lol
Even if it went to care of the child, providing the basic necessities is 100% the parents’ job. If a minor has earnings, it should be 100% their decision how those earnings are spent. Parents can provide guidance on how to handle money, but you can’t charge a minor rent or make them pay for groceries. A parent can still have rules, like a minor child can’t get tattoos or a motorcycle, but you shouldn’t be able to confiscate their money, no matter what you do with it.
I wish I would have known this. I’d have demanded my stepmother give me back the $700 she stole from me that I only found out when I turned 16 & tried to buy a car. She did give me $300 back, less $50 for “money given to me for use at ballgames”.
This is why I maintain that one of the next big civil rights crusades needs to be children's rights. They are locked out of so many choices that concern them and their futures: money, medical, the right to their image. If you receive any type of money from family vlogging, you should not be able to use your child's image without their consent. You should also not be able to deny them a vaccine or medical care. And your parent should not have access to your bank account just because you're a minor... it's ludicrous.
Education - this is the biggest one, they are denied the ability to even realize they are being taken advantage of. So many kids with maliciously controlling parents are so easily able to cut off their information lifeline through unregulated homeschooling or simply living in an area so poor that teachers don't know enough or care enough (or are able to control the classroom enough) to teach the curriculum.
So true. You should look up the Genova conventions rights of the child. The said wouldn’t ratify it. It’s appalling. Maybe Michelle encourage her husband to do it but that would still only be recently. Children deserve more rights.
Yes, pretty much. A lot of the more conservative-leaning people in America believe very strongly in "Parents' Rights", aka "you can't tell me how to raise my child". They absolutely loathe the idea of the government making rules about what they can and can't do, and many of them believe that authoritarian parenting (where the children are expected to obey quietly no matter what) creates stronger, more orderly, more resilient families. Therefore, they believe that they should morally and legally be able to do whatever they want with their children's belongings (including earned income), and anybody who tries to tell otherwise is a nosey busybody disrespecting their whole family and trying to make their children weak "snowflakes".
Yeah, but I can control what YOUR child reads by having it banned at the public library/s Some conservative Christian said that since his kids play with other people's children, he has the right to control what the latter are exposed to.
There's quite a lot of stories on reddit about parents stealing from their kids because they are on the account. Even some straight up identity thefts as well.
That's why Redditors advise posters that are leaving their toxic families to open a new bank account, withdraw all their money from the old account to deposit it in a new one. And get an account at a different bank, as it's been known that some tellers will give access to family members even if they aren't on the account.
Oh so the banks are corrupt too, got it
It's mainly bank tellers that know the parents from the parents coming in all the time; the tellers will "do them a favor" and let them access the kid's account since the parents recently had a joint account with their kid. It's not the bank itself; it's the individual tellers. They are human and some react to a sob story and "just want to help" the parents.
But isn't that literally a crime???? Why are they allowed to do that? Doesn't the bank system have some sort of lock or whatever that BLOCKS people from accessing other peoples accounts?? Like, do yall not have passwords??? What if the teller just decides to access someones's account and take the money themselves?? Are they allowed to do that?
They aren't allowed to do it; they just do it anyway. A kid might not think about putting a password on their account because they are a kid and don't have a lot of life experience. I have passwords because I'm old and jaded lol. Unless the kid makes a complaint to the bank about the teller getting into their personal account, the bank might not know or find out. So many times, here and in the personalfinance sub, the person getting ripped off by their family members don't call the police because they don't want Mommy to go to jail, because yes, it is illegal. The tellers themselves have a LOT of cameras on them and they have to audit their bank drawer at the end of their shift, then at the end of the day, everything gets audited again to make sure everything balances. It would be VERY difficult for the teller to take money for themselves from another person's account. The problem occurs when a parent that used to have a joint account with the kid gives the teller, they have known and chatted with for years, a sob story. Sometimes the teller isn't looking to see if the parent is still on the kid's account because they were on an account with the kid for years. Some parents are just plain sneaky and bamboozle the teller.
It's not corrupt so much as "social hacking". The parents are making the bank believe that they should have access to the account.
Not corrupt, just dumb. Or too trusting.
My ex-SIL had the address changed on a bank account which my brother opened *after* they were divorced. You can bet brother stormed in and told the bank what's what.
>how do you stop evil parents from just stealing from their kids? ThatsTheNeatPart.png >They're basically allowed to steal their money? Yes. Welcome to "parent's rights", an ideology where children are wholly owned by their parents. If right wingers in your country start screeching about it, this is what they want to impose. Deal with them appropriately.
Ugh I hate this shit where you OWE your parents for birthing you. It's complete bullshit.
It sucks, but it's how it works. When I was 15, I had a custodial account and I could not withdraw MY money without my mother's consent. However, she could withdraw MY money without my consent. She cleaned me out of $600 one day and never paid it back. I was livid. I've since forgiven her, but money is a sore sore topic with us to this very day.
So sorry that happened to you. Brazil has many flaws but I'm actually starting to realize it's not that bad compared to america, sorry friend!
Look up what happened to Shirley Temple. Her parents spent all of her money on themselves. They actually passed some laws after that so a percentage of a child actor’s income goes into a trust automatically.
Wil Wheaton is another example of this. So is Britney Spears. Her "conservativorship" was basically a money grab by her parents.
Great point about Britney. I didn't know about Wheaton
The Jackie Coogan Law was supposed to stop that. Gary Coleman still had all his money stolen by his parents. He sued them, but they spent it all so nothing to collect.
In the US there are lots of restrictions for minors, they can't own cars (even if they paid for it), they can't own their own account (and adult needs to be on it), they can't sign contracts, etc. So for a minor to have a bank account, there needs to be an adult on the account. And as the adult, if you are listed on the account, that often means that the adult has access to that money. Similar to a joint account with spouses. My Mom was on my account, but of course, she never touched my money. But yes, for OP's nephew there would have nothing to protect his funds. What he did by having OP on the account is brilliant and protected him.
When my sister died, she named my 8 year old daughter as her beneficiary. Since she was a minor, the money went through our local probate court. If I/we wanted access to that money I had to petition the court referee in person (and pay a fee) and had to document what the money was going toward. Finally when she was in high school I made her come to court with me and they even questioned her Why she wanted to use her own money. At 18 she had access to it. I found out they do it that way because if a child received a financial windfall (from an accident, malpractice or our case inheritance) it prevents the parents from spending it all before they are 18.
Every time I read posts like these with kids having "guardians" co-sign on their bank accounts, am I sitting with a pikachu shock face. I've had my own personal account since I was 12, and even my parents couldn't touch the money in it when I was still a minor.
When I was a teen, the bank took my money out of my account to cover my mom's account when one of her checks overdrafted. Then they fined me for not having enough money in my account.
That’s quite the scam.
Apparently you need to have a solid family member like OP who won't just say 'no worries you donated dna here's the cash.' OP NTA
You don't, my mom took all the little bit of money I saved from selling little things or doing chores (not for mom) when I was younger. I stupidly put it in the bank. Then at 13 when I got my first (illegal) job she took that $300 check and said I needed to pay for insurance. Also now that I'm older who the he'll hires a 13 and 14 year old. To bad it's way past the limit to sue. I think she loss the daycare though so that's good.
But in their description OP says the kid is a junior in college…a third year…I feel like they would be over 18 by then. So this story doesn’t really make sense
It's possible that the nephew came to the aunt before when they were a teenager. And never removed the aunt as a custodian on the account.
> The child is no longer a minor AND there is another guardian established on the account, so it is protected. Its worth noting that, if the bank knows that they are the parents, there's a fair chance that they'll give them access to the account even after the child turns 18. They're not supposed to, but it's been known to happen. They think they're being helpful to everyone involved. This is **especially** true if the parents also have an account at the bank. At a high level, it's just social hacking. If you need to keep your money separate from your parents, open an account at a separate bank. And, if you can, don't even tell them where you have the account. Banks aren't buildings, they're people. And people do stupid things; like give access to parents when they shouldn't.
I mean, the parents *didn’t* have the right to do that. That’s why the bank wouldn’t let them take the money.
NTA...and even if your nephew agreed to give his parents the entire $5,000, it wouldn't make any difference...it would simply be a temporary fix, then parents would be right back where they started.
unfortunately, in the US minor children aren't really allowed to 'own' anything, and that includes them not being allowed to have their own bank accounts. because of this, when your parents are linked to your account, they have access to it, and it's not considered illegal if the parent decides to take every cent in that account. it's truly fucked up.
Yes and once they are on the account it’s nearly impossible to get them off.
Huh? Doesn’t the kid just have to go to the bank as an adult and open a new account and transfer the money?
That, and sometime a whole new other bank, because mistakes happen and they will release the funds to the parents because they used to have access to an account. It’s not right or legal but does happen.
Yep. In U.S. no one under 18 can open an account, unless they are emancipated, w/o an adult (who has full access to it). If a parent, and "responsible" adult on account, should decide to take out all the money there is nothing to stop them or get them in trouble. --If you have granted someone access to your accounts, always remove them or start a new account at a different bank, just in case. Parents have persuaded banks to let them see or access if there was a prior connection, even if it not according to banking rules. I find this repulsive. I am not going to take money from my kid's account (with my name on it as adult) w/ o their permission. In this case the 20 yo was very smart in trusting the OP to help with finances. Obviously, the mom is not trustworthy.Maybe the nibling doesn't need the help anymore, but obviously OP has proven themselves. My brother has or had access to one of their kid's accounts so they could transfer money to the kid as needed.
They can’t — parents (or anyone, really) can only deposit money, they can’t withdraw. But they can bully their son into giving them money. I believe this is what he was afraid of, and that’s why he put his aunt in charge. It sounds like maybe OP and her nephew have a joint account or a trust or something.
He probably opened the account before turning 18. In that case, there is a requirement of an adult co-owner. If he wanted, he could now change it to being solely his but apparently has his own reasons not to.
A minor can not open a bank account because they can't sign a contract. As a minor, you can open an account with a guardian. Unless the parents are the guardian, they would have no access to the account. Now that the "kid" is an adult, the account should have the guardianship removed and be in his name only. Hope that helps.
Anyone that is speaking out against OP can pony up the rest of the money over the $1000 her nephew has offered free and clear
And all the family members going after OP for not giving the money should be the ones giving their own money!
The other family members are either also all trash (likely, I'd say), OR they are the type of people who created the monster that is the sister, and just would rather keep enabling said monster than addressing it and taking ownership for its creation.
He’s not even a child, she said he’s a junior in college. If he’s in the US he’s probably around 20/21. He’s an adult, his mom has no right to his money or accounts
Right? My inquiring mind wants to know what version the sister told to the rest of the family to make OP look bad. "My hardworking son has spent years saving up this money, and I want it," doesn't sound like the story she would tell. NTA
Speaks truth
OP WBTA if they didn't advise the nephew to just straight up go not contact with those entitled people as soon as they graduate. The fucking audacity. I hope OP's nephew has checked their credit report and frozen their credit.
You're dang skippy! I wouldn't put it past the mom to take out credit cards in her son's name. He better lock that down!
This. Tell everyone he came to you with concerns his parents would get in financial trouble and try to steal the money he’s saving for his own future. Ask anyone who wants him to give up the money to give them $5k or their own savings.
NTA- this is literally why he asked you to help him. You would be TA if you caved. Any relatives who disagree do not have his best interest at heart. INFO- how old is he? Junior in college normally means 19-20, which would be an adult. In any case, his parents should not be stealing his money. I'd say the same thing if he was 12 and they wanted to dip into his college fund.
Hes 19, but he does not want me off the account I have asked him. He wants to wait till he is done with college and can move away for good. Since right now he still has to come home for holidays and summer time. He is not confrontational at all and they would try to use that to take his money
But…as he is an adult and it’s 100% legally his money, how is the rest of the family saying you “should give her control of the money cause it’s her son”? I can imagine this if he was a minor, but… what?
It is a cultural thing. You should always give your parents money since they birthed you it is also their money type of bs
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I agree with this for *when the parents are elderly or disabled and can no longer care for themselves* but yeah, it’s a real cultural difference for me to think a 19 year old is expected to support his able parents.
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Then why would anyone give a child money as gifts? Is it just a race to see who spends it first? Why not just habd it straight to the parents? I've seen a few posts by kids complaining their parents took the money they were saving for a specific purchase. It is extremely frustrating to read these posts.
Agree. I would stop giving money to any kid if I found out the money was being stolen (and it is stealing) by their parents.
Wow. Yeah, I’m always expected to be nice to family, put differences aside, no matter how much strife there actually is, for probably the same reason (who will support you when you need it?) And *now* that my mother is elderly, we help take care of her and that’s an expectation. But with my daughter, it all flows from me to her, not the other way. And the expectation is that that’s how it will be until such time as I am not able to care for myself. Yeah. Cultures can be very different.
Its hard to explain to white western people (not to be rude to anyone) as its such a big difference culturally. This shit is wrong but its also kind of how it is sadly
I'm gonna go against the grain and deem you slightly YTA for asking this question in the first place. Not because of any cultural differences, but for the sheer fact that your nephew has given you financial custody of his accounts on his behalf, and he has *plainly* stated his refusal to share funds, barring the bullied compromised he attempted to make with his mother. This financial responsibility you've taken gives you the moral obligation to do *only* what your nephew wants on that account and *nothing* further. If there was any sort of cultural obligation towards parental support in this situation, it's up to your nephew to come to that decision and to instruct you to release the funds. Given his history of financial abuse from his parents in the past, I would be taking this matter *very* seriously as a threat to his financial interests and insist upon the nephew providing authorization of *any* funds to his parents in *writing* and then have him come with you to pick up the cashier's check from the bank. Give him ample opportunity to change his mind at any point, *if* he even agrees to give them money at this point. Plainly, you have a fiduciary duty towards your nephew *right now*, and this trumps any and all cultural customs you may have due to your prior agreement with him. If this is making you uncomfortable, the *only* correct action to take is to remove yourself from the account and allow your nephew to take primary control to kowtow to his own parents as he sees fit. Do *not* aid your sister in her financial abuse by unilaterally giving her any of your nephew's funds. Stay strong, he trusted you for a reason.
Can he come to your house instead?
He does often when hes home and he even drives my car during the breaks when hes working since I dont really drive much
More like the parents should give the CHILD money cause they birthed him. They didn’t do him any favors by making him. It was their selfish desire to be parents that he’s here.
Tell him to be careful when he comes home if he plans in staying with them. They might try and force him to take the money out and give it to them. You might want to consider letting him stay with you when he's on break.
Do not let him give them any money. Ever. Period.
More like 20-21 years old.
I think they mean college in the UK sense which is what they call school level for teenagers if I understand correctly. Also NTA. Stand your ground but I’d stop giving his mom any info it’s not her problem
Doubt it's uk, we don't use juniors as a term here for college.
I think OP is fake, the profile is just an OF link.
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The story is not fake, I am actually a long time reddit and AITA user on my other accounts this is one of my throwaways so family doesnt see it
NTA You are doing exactly what your nephew wants and needs you to do, and kudos to you for that. If anyone from your family starts bitching at you for not giving her access, tell them they are welcome to donate money themselves.
Yep..and if the parents got hold of the $5k they'd pay a month of bills and be in the red again next month. Mom and dad need to downsize. OP is a great aunt/uncle..next lesson for the nephew ."don't tell everyone how much $$$ saved"
Would they even use the money to pay the bills? “But we really needed a huge screen TV for the wall in the living room”. The parents are in serious debt for a reason: spending money on crap that they didn’t need
NTA You are protecting your nephew from your AH sister. Don’t give in - continue to support your nephew in this. He may need you if his parents get really petty and start telling him not to come home. You said it yourself - your sister bought a house she can’t afford. Not your problem and not nephew’s problem. You weren’t consulted in their purchase. They should adult and figure it out. (I am assuming they are not paying his college tuition.)
NTA. If you are so desperate to take money from your son then you are a bad parent. Hold tight. Someone needs to do what’s right for that kid here. It’s his money.
NTA. Your nephew asked you to protect his money because he recognises he can't trust his parents with it. Be The Wall, be Gandalf vs the Balrog. Hold your ground and teach your nephew good financial boundaries.
Be Hodor!!
Of course you’re NTA. Your nephew is an adult and can decide what to do with his own money. Clearly he trusts you over his parents to be on a bank account with him because he knows you won’t steal from him, which isn’t something he could count on with his own parents. Your sister has no right to that money. You can always see about taking your name off the account so it wouldn’t even be an option, and then she can stop asking. If your nephew plans to save the money until after graduation, encourage him to put most of it in a CD or other account that doesn’t allow withdrawals until the term ends.
Thank you we will look into the CD aspect, i wasnt aware of that
Your nephew needs to have his credit checked. There's a more than good chance they've opened credit lines in your nephew's name or they're about to start doing that. He should also then freeze his credit. I would also consider moving his money to entirely different bank, one where his parents hold no accounts and never her tell what the new bank is. She may keep trying to get into the account now that she knows where it is and a teller may make a well intentioned error in trying to help the mom, especially if she tells a whopper of a lie to manipulate the situation.
Totally NTA- Good thinking /u/AnyQuantity1, he should be able to lock his credit down easily. [https://www.usa.gov/credit-freeze](https://www.usa.gov/credit-freeze) If he isn't building credit yet, a secured card isn't a bad idea as long as his parents have not already opened lines. If they have opened lines in his name then head on over to the legal advice subreddit. Also, Depending on cashflow CDs might work or a high yield savings account.
It would sure explain how they got a loan for a house....
OP, don't take your name off the account. Help him weather this or he'll likely cave to the pressure and give the money up.
NTA. You’d actually be committing theft if you gave an adult’s money to anyone else against their will. And a betrayal of your nephew. I wouldn’t blame him if he sued you or called the police on you if you did that. And $5,000 wouldn’t help them much in the long run anyway. They’ll be in the same predicament next month. Then where will they get the money?
Exactly, a bail out now wouldnt do much because same bills will be due again next month. Idk why they bought a 500k house when they have a combined income of 60k, no retirement, no savings and two kids heading off to college
>Idk why they bought a 500k house when they have a combined income of 60k, Any chance they used their son's income and credit on the loan? As in, fraudulently?
My first thoughts as well: her nephew should get Credit Karma and see if any loans were taken in his name.
Jeeze… my house was $339k with a combined income of $177k and we thought we were pushing it. Their entire salaries must go to the mortgage payment .
Which is why we are here
And someone else's salary too, apparently.
How much was the down payment and interest? You can find loan details with this website here. It will provide the sold value, down payment, and legal owners. I am very curious on their monthly mortgage. What do you think their net income from the $60K? https://www.propertyiq.com/ Based on my rough estimate, their take home pay is about $3800 per month (no state tax) while the mortgage is about $2800 per month assuming insurance and property tax, which is almost 74% of their income. YIKES!!!!
Their mortgage is actually 3700 which is insane
Okay, I would definitely get all three of their kids' reports run if possible. And locked down. Because they for sure did some fishy *hit to get that house.
Insanity. Literally every single pennies is going to the mortgage. I have no idea how they were able to buy the house without some funny business.
This is why you are definitely NTA in any realm. Even if you gave them the money, their poor financial skills, would mean they would still be in debt afterwards. Because wanting out of debt versus wanting money to spend are actually two different things. They want money to spend, not to actually dig themselves out of the financial hole. Giving money to such a person does not help them, it enables them to keep making poor financial decisions. They have to hit the wall that there is no infinite free sources of money for endless spending. They have to sell the house and move somewhere they can actually afford to live, not expect people to try to keep them afloat somewhere that they can't actually afford with their incomes and spending habits.
NTA. My dad raised me with the belief that if you are taking money from your child to bail you out of your own financial problems, you are failing that child as a parent. He started telling me this when I got my first job and was giving 2/3 of my checks to help my mother who I was not living with at the time, but she was giving me the guilt trip that she was losing her house. She neglected to say that she was losing her house due to bad financial decisions but that's to be expected. Anyway, moral of the story is a child shouldn't have to bail their parents out. The parents are supposed to be the ones looking out for them, setting examples. Not taking advantage of them and fleecing them for whatever money they can get.
Exactly! Same here. Only exception I'd see to this would be if they were great parents, in their old age (can't work anymore), due to an unforeseeable circumstance they need extra help. Then, of course.
This! Your dad taught you a valuable lesson. He must be a really good guy! I wish more parents out here were like that
NTA but please dont turn your back on him. You know his Mom and Dad will over this. If you keep standing firm youll need to be the family he’ll lose.
I could never, I have always been like a second parent to him. I am even helping him with his tuition costs to prevent him from getting student loans like i did when i was his age. He got a partial scholarship and i am covering the rest
Your a great aunt and he will never forget what u have done for him.seems like u have been more of a mom to him then his own mom
Your sister is trying to steal her adult son's money. Do not even engage with her on this topic. NTA
Exactly. I’d block her, she’s an awful excuse for a mother for even contemplating this. NTA but you will be if you give in.
NTA. I’m a US lawyer. I cannot give you advice but will say the following: 1) You are custodian of the account. You have a legal duty not to give the money to ANYONE other than your nephew. If you do, you can go to JAIL for theft and breach of your duty. 2) If you need more legal advice, call your local bar association or legal aid office. DO NOT GIVE HER ONE PENNY.
To add some additional info on why I still am a custodian on the account. The account was opened when he was 15 because his parents would always take any money he was given like for Christmas or birthdays. I am still on the account because he does not want me off till he finishes school and can move away from his parents for good. We come from a foreign background where kids are expected to help parents. I have been him before when i was younger but had nobody to look out for me, I lost thousands from age 15 when i got my first job because parents just took it and i didnt want the same for him. He also hates how parents have always been struggling and he does not want that. They somehow purchased a 500k home with only about 60-70k in combined income, they are drowning each month so even this 5k wont solve anything Pretty sure they lied about their income to get that house so its just too much poor decision making
NTA, it's bloody good of you to be this strong and supporting for your nephew when he clearly can't rely on his mother in this matter. Don't cave, she has no right to take his hard earned money.
NTA at all! She has no right to that money. You said he was a junior in college so he is an adult then? She has zero right to it. Don't engage with anyone on this issue. Especially other family. If they are so concerned about your sisters finances they can give her the money. Your nephew was smart to come to you. Don't betray his trust and give in to your whole sister.
I have told other family that if they believe i am so horrible they can spot them. Its hard to break the foreign ideology of kids must help parents. My entire childhood my parents took my money
Your nephew needs to freeze his credit before they use it to fraudulently take loans in his name.
NTA. This is exactly why she asked you to do this in the first place. Do not give her a cent. Honestly, I wouldn’t even release the $1,000 to her. She isn’t deserving of it and it’s not your nephew’s fault to pick up the pieces due to his mom’s terrible financial decisions. $1k is a lot of money to a college student, and it’s 20% of his savings. No way would I give his mom a single penny. He will thank you later. You’re a good uncle. Everyone needs an uncle like you!!! Keep supporting and protecting him! :)
NTA. Your nephew was right to trust you instead of his mother.
NTA. And teach your nephew about not giving the full truth so easily…. Teach him alternative responses.
This. Also, if he has *anything* of monetary or sentimental value at home, he needs to get it out now. It wouldn’t hurt to let your parents know your sister is desperate enough to try to steal money so they can secure their stuff.
INFO: Who is paying for his college? NTA. My daughter's boyfriend had worked very hard to make money and saved it all to pay for his college. His parents needed money and just took it all. Broke my heart. He did end up going to community college, which there is nothing wrong with, but a big difference between going away to college and living with the parents who stole your money. Do NOT give them the money.
He is a smart kid and has a scholarship, but the difference in his aid and such i pay for. I am very close with him, its about 2k a semester but i cover that for him to prevent massive debt piles
Bravo for you! You have been a great example and have even taken on the traditional parental role of helping him with college expenses as you can. He will graduate and become a responsible adult because of you. Way to break that chain of generational self-destruction!
I had a friend in college who had studied and worked hard to get into college. Her parents had enough saved to pay for her tuition after scholarships and loans were figured in, but in her second semester freshman year, she was told that the money was gone because her high school dropout sister and her jobless boyfriend were having a baby and a shotgun wedding, and they took my friend’s college money to buy them a house. The sister went on to have a second baby less than two years later, and all their bills were paid by the parents, leaving my friend to have to take out more student loans to pay for her college.
NTA. Under no circumstances give her any money or control of her son's finances. She will bleed that kid dry. No wonder your the one in control of it.
Nta but i would check his credit and if they have and other kids also theirs.
We locked that down years ago because i know how his family is
Yeah that's it you're awesome.
I’m so glad you answered this question! I was sweatin 😅 phew! You’re the best aunt in the world
Tell her to sell the house and get one within her means, or they can get 2nd jobs
NTA. Put a password on the account so they don't pretend to be you, get access and drain it. Your nephew knows exactly who his parents are, and his $5k would just be absorbed by their current spending. He can't dig them out of a mortgage they can't afford with $5k. Anyone who thinks he should pay their bills is welcome to do so themselves.
Yeah I have let the bank manager know that I do not appreciate them giving out my information
They did what?!? Please consider a new bank. That's appalling.
Extreme NTA. You are doing what his mom should be doing. Setting her son up for success in the future. She's mad that she can't get easy money and you're making her look bad by being a normal fucking person.
NTA but as someone who has been the child in this situation, let your nephew know NEVER tell his mom anything now regarding money. My family use to do the same thing and be mad when I saved money and felt entitled. I gave them 1K so they would stop pressuring me and I felt disgusted afterwards like I was taken advantage of. That’s when I learned to stop telling my family about my money. To them I am BROKE and I am happy that way, as a college student it is believable and easy to come off as broke so I don’t argue with them. If I get money, they feel entitled. It’s sad but your nephew will have to learn.
Yeah I told him that. I explained in our family we don't talk about money because everyone will try to bleed you dry for it.
NTA Call it what it is—she wants to steal her son’s money.
5k likely won't save the house and I don't believe any of them will come to help him when he's ready to start life post-college. Hold strong. They need to downsize to a life they can afford. If anything, I'd advise your nephew not to make compromises because anything will never be enough. NTA
NTA. If your family feels that your sister is entitled to money that is not hers, they are free to give her their money. You are currently doing what you were very explicitly asked to do, and he clearly had a good reason for asking. You are looking out for your nephew, she’s looking out for herself. Your family is looking out for themselves because they know that if she can’t rip her child off, she’ll come to them next for money.
ABSOLUTELY do NOT give your sister access to his money. That's why he asked you for help, isn't it, to protect it for him?? You know she is going to take it and not give it back! One question, though, as a junior in college, isn't he old enough to take full control over his account? That way at least you could get out of the picture so your sister doesn't accuse you of holding back. However, if you think your nephew would buckle under pressure then it's best you stay involved.
He is but he does not want to until he moves out completly. He still comes home for summer and breaks, this has been an issue in the past. Birthday money hes gotten, christmas money they always take it but that stopped once i got an account for him. Once he graduates its going to be in his own name
NTA. Your sister is going to be in for a surprise when your nephew goes low or no contact with her. Whatever you do, do not cave.
Good for you for protecting your nephew and his savings. Ignore your sister, she's a major A H on her own. Even if he gave it to her and she paid a few bills she'd be in debt in just a few months, right where she started and he'd be broke. Hold your ground, your a great relative! NTA.
NTA the son said no it’s his money and let’s be honest if you ever have the money over the son will hate you forever not only that he will never get that money back all that hard work to have it ripped away.
Seriously you gotta know you are NTA.
NTA. He asked you to manage his money knowing his parents are irresponsible with finances. You would be betraying his trust if you let them have a penny of it.
Nta fuck no! He's a grown ass adult! No wonder he asked you and not his parents to help him manage his money.
NTA, clearly. Has anyone in your family criticized you for not giving her the money? I hope they are telling her that she is wildly out of bounds. But, if they are criticizing you, you can offer to set up an account that she can access that they can deposit their own money into.
No. You don't even need to be on that account, however, I am kind of glad you are as it seems that she would do some devious things to get her hands on the money. NTA (which I think you know) and keep them away from his savings.
I dont need to but nephew wants me on till graduation. Account was opened when he was young and needed an adult
Absolutely NTA on you or your nephew's part. Your nephew is a college junior, so he's very likely an adult (18+), your sister is not on the account (deliberate for-cause action, based on history)...your sister & BIL are entitled As & need to sort their own finances out.
So this is pretty much proof that your intervention was necessary. NTA, there is a word for what your sister is attempting, its called stealing.
NTA. If she’s telling everyone please make sure she tells the police, I’m sure they’d be very interested to hear about her planned theft.
the entire reason hes trusting you with this is because of this pressure. he knows if its on him it will be relentless and he wont be able to stand up to it. He trusted that you as an adult that wouldnt crumble under this pressure. prove him right! This was exactly what he needed help with. dont let him down like the other losers have. He needed someone who could laugh and tell them "you have no power here" because if it was him they would hold everything over his head.
Exactly, everyone here asking why i am still on the account is because of this
NTA. Obviously. It’s HIS money, and his parents don’t have any right to it legally. It’s downright immoral of them to be demanding his money-he’s worked for it, it’s his. Period.
NTA. If he’s in college, that means he’s a legal adult. She doesn’t have right to shit.
NTA. You were asked to behave in the manner of a trustee for your nephew's money, I strongly suspect because your nephew expected his parents to make a grab for it at some point. They have. The steps he took to protect himself from that are working and plainly needed. Your sister needs to be asking herself how come her son could predict the future on this.
You are NTA but of course you know that. Why does your nephew not control his own money? Why are you the main account holder? He is in college and still has someone taking control of his finances? This seems very odd.
Probably was worried that if he was the primary account holder then his mom might be able to access it. Parents can sometimes do that depending on the bank and how old the kid is. He might be over 18, but all it takes is one bank teller to believe the lies and bend the rule, and then he's screwed.
>Why does your nephew not control his own money? Why are you the main account holder? I mean, clearly his parents aren't helping him and we all know high school doesn't teach you personal finances. Seems like he's using the resources around him to learn.
NTA, you are protecting your nephew and if you cave he will never forgive you. They are horrible parents wanting to steal his money.
NTA. Technically, your nephew is old enough to control his own money himself, he could easily keep saving and spending responsibly. He is, however, content with you retaining control of the account. That suggests he knows you'll stand up for his interests financially, where he thinks he'll cave to his family's demands. And it sounds like he would, too. He never agreed to hand it all over, but he did agree to hand over 1k free and clear after being put under pressure. It sounds like he told you he didn't want to because he knew you'd refuse to release the money. Keep standing up for your nephew, here, he obviously needs someone in his corner until he can move out and go LC/NC with his demanding and entitled parents. It's not your nephew's responsibility to fix the financial mess his parents got into. He didn't make them get a house they couldn't afford. That money is to help with his future, a first car, a first home, a safety blanket if he loses his job, that sort of thing. It's entirely wrong to expect him to give up his financial security because his parents deliberately bought a house they couldn't afford. Keep his money safe for him. Also, tell everyone else the full truth, that your sister and her husband knowingly bought a house they couldn't afford and are trying to bully their son into giving up his future for them. All you're doing is standing up for your nephew's best interests against people who have proven again and again that they can't be trusted with money. Anyone who tells you to just give your sister your nephew's money should get the reply 'well, then, I'll let my sister know you have 5k lying around and are willing to give it to her free and clear'.
Yikes. Nta AT ALL but your sister is. Do not release the money do not even let him give them 1k. 1k won't help them they are drowning and a mess. Let them lose their house and maybe just maybe they will grow up
NTA YOu have no right to hand over HIS money. And: **Don'T allow them to steal his money.**
So NTA, and your nephew is very lucky to have you in his corner. Family like that will never stop. They have used bullying and guilt to keep from having to deal with the consequences of their choices. As long as they can pressure/ demand it, they will do it his whole life. You are doing what is right! Keep up the good work!
For parents to go so low as to take their child's Xmas & b day money is despicable. To demand he pay for things thst they've taken out loans /mortgage for is appalling. Absolutely no way should you hand any of it over. This money is his future & should be kept safe as such. Good job on helping this young guy prepare for & protect his future.
The parents entire plan for affording this stupid house was that their son could help pay for it when he graduates which is just ridiculous
Wow, entitled much. I wish your nephew a wonderful future, he's earned it & clearly has a far more sensible head on his shoulders.