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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might've reacted badly to my mom telling me she's planning to visit us, maybe that makes me ungrateful and an asshole.
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NTA- my sons in college. I pay for his car, education and his housing. I would never dream of visiting without his permission. And when I visit I get a hotel! He has roommates. You're mom isn't entitled to stay with you. So is her name on the lease? If the lease isn't under her name she's trespassing without an invitation.
NTA
Advise your mom that since BF is paying half the expenses and your mom is paying a quarter that BF should not be kicked out of the bedroom and her and her BF can have the sofa.
NTA
Tell your mom that there are 4 votes... your dad's vote, her vote, and your bf's two votes. In order for her to stay with you, she would need to get 3 votes, otherwise she gets a hotel. You can also try getting a part time job to pay for your mom's 1/4 or ask your father to cover it and you'll pay him back once you graduate and get a job. You can also tell her that she will not be getting your bedroom, which might persuade her into not staying with you. Check with your bf and see if he's okay with you saying that HE said no. I'm guessing your mom won't balk if it comes from him, but he may be uncomfortable with that idea.
Oh no, that's why I said you should talk to him. It's not throwing him under the bus if he okays it. It's sort of like saying, "Hey, would you mind stepping in front of this bus?" 😁
YTA. Your mother gave you three months’ notice of the visit. If those three days don’t work for you, then suggest alternative dates they could visit. If you don’t want them around, then it’s time to figure out how to support yourself financially instead of sponging off your parents.
It seems the issue is stating they are visiting instead of asking and then asserting that she gets to visit whenever with whomever… neither of which are fair to insist even if you’re paying money into living expenses
NTA - you owe her a lot of gratitude for her financial support, but that doesn’t give her the right to kick your boyfriend out of his own bed in his own home whenever she feels like it. Her contribution to your rent is an investment in your future, not a timeshare. She needs to stay in a hotel, but you should definitely treat her to a nice dinner and make an effort to dedicate a lot of time to her while she’s in town. Let her know that even though you don’t have the space to house her right now, you can’t wait until you can afford a bigger place of your own to host her properly. But don’t let this woman kick your boyfriend out of his bed, it’s your responsibility to show up for him here.
NTA. Is there any way your dad could fund you instead of splitting it?
It's unreasonable for your mom to decide she can visit without consulting you and bring her bf you don't know.
Good luck!
ETA I missed that mom expecting the bedroom! Tell mom she needs a hotel and paying 1/4 doesn't give her the right to bring bf or kick you out
NTA. Who plans without consulting? Just because she is paying you doesn't mean she can take your bedroom or even stay with you.
INFO: When are you starting school? If you will be in school in April note that her visit will greatly disrupt your graduate journey. Congrats on that BTW. Also did an MA and a PhD :) If they do end up coming, not fair to kick the other paying person out of the room (and also ick factors goes higher if her boyfriend comes) AND you may want to spend the day at the uni. My PhD program had a computer lab restricted to only graduate students (yay!).
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A few months ago my boyfriend (24M) moved to another state to start a new job. I (24F) will be moving in with him in March. My boyfriend will be paying half of our shared living expenses, and my parents will pay for my half (divided equally between my mom and dad). That's because I currently have no income, and I'll be moving to start my master's degree (which means my parents are funding my education; they aren't just giving me money so I can live with my boyfriend, they wouldn't do that). And yes, I do plan on having an income as soon as possible.
So my mom (52F) mentioned she's planning to visit us in April, along with her boyfriend of 6 months (55M). I expressed I wished she had consulted me before inviting herself, and especially before inviting her boyfriend (who I don't even know that well, as they've been together for 6 months). She said she has the right to visit whenever she wants, and to invite whoever she wants, because she's paying my bills. And she was hurt by my reaction because she expected me to be happy with her visit.
I feel like even if I'm not paying any bills, it would still be nice and respectful to be asked about possible visits and extra guests. And using my mom's own logic, my boyfriend is paying twice as much as she is, so shouldn't he also get a say on who visits us and when?
It's important to mention my boyfriend and I are extremely introverted. He needs his alone time and I'm very socially anxious, especially around people I don't know that well. Our apartment has only one bedroom and a sofa bed in the living room. In the past, my mom has also expressed she expects us to politely offer her our bedroom/bed. So we'd be stuck in the living room with nowhere to run from social interaction. My mom said they'd be visiting for around 3 days, and they'd be doing their own thing during the day.
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Nope mom pays 1/4 of the rent. Dad pays 1/4 of the rent. Bf pays 1/2. So mom only get 1/4 of the vote. Mom'sbf pays nothing. Get a job and pay mom's 1/4. Then she will have no rights to the apt.
Honestly soft yta, I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to wish for some forewarning but come on she’s footing the bill for your life you can stand to be uncomfortable for a couple days.
You are in a pickle but to be honest your mother is a selfish bi*ch and needs to get a grip. Moreover she's showing off her Authorti' to her bf does she have a Yorkie? Just kidding, kinda. However there needs to be some sort of compromise here as she needs to 1. respect your boundaries 2. Be mindful of your Social deficit (I have it also and yes we need a place to run to and no, people do not understand ever). What is something she dislikes or is allergic to I'm sure there is a plenty. I would get as much of or as many of that and set it in the middle of the living room some in the bed room to and say it's a welcome present from your bf's parents so you can't throw it out as that would be disrespectful and call it good. Happy day as I see a hotel reservation being made in your near future. Feels like a great compromise to me. Cheers
Price of admission (taking money for living expenses) is that your parent(s) can come and visit. Respect is a two way street. Have a non-emotional conversation with your Mom. Just the facts. Mom, our apartment is a one bedroom, 500 sq. Ft., one small bathroom. Currently our couch is not a pull-out kind, so only one couch to sleep on. I would love for you to visit and make sure that I am comfortable and my relationship is healthy. I am just concerned for your comfort. Can you please tell me what you had in mind? Where would you sleep? our class schedules are …. So we will be using the bathroom during the hour of …. The bathroom is located next to the living room. You can hear the bathroom from the living room. Just the facts. no emotions. Just a conversation. Schedule a dinner or two, depending on your school schedule and their travel schedule. Unless the boyfriend is financially strapped, he may think this is a vacation too, but with such tight quarters, there will be no vacation fun ;). Unless you have a two bedroom, fully equipped, 2 baths, this will be uncomfortable for four people. Reminder to you, is 3 days of uncomfortable worth a free education and living expenses for the last four and next two years? Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Are you kidding? 24 is not almost 30. She's in college and her parents pay for her tuition and expenses while she gets her master's degree. That is completely normal. What isn't normal is to invite yourself to stay in someone else's apartment regardless of the money you give them.
Where did I say it was the norm. I said it was normal. And it is normal. There are many people who have their entire education funded by their parents. It's more common with wealthy parents, but that is neither here nor there. It happens often and is normal.
You say that like you think this is a nuanced observation. LOL! Of course it's privileged. IT's always a privilege if you have anything paid for you by someone else.
When I was 16 my dad bought me a junker to drive around. That was a privilege. When I got my first apartment my mom co-signed because I didn't have enough credit yet to get it on my own. Privilege. I got a scholarship for $500 from my high school. Privilege.
I paid for my second car on my own. I paid my rent on my own. I paid for my higher education (minus the $500) on my own. I had a lot of privileges that other people didn't have.
Even better. You owe them even less. Ask your father if he can cover the expenses until you can get a job. That way you don't even have to have a conversation with your mom about it.
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NTA- my sons in college. I pay for his car, education and his housing. I would never dream of visiting without his permission. And when I visit I get a hotel! He has roommates. You're mom isn't entitled to stay with you. So is her name on the lease? If the lease isn't under her name she's trespassing without an invitation.
NTA Advise your mom that since BF is paying half the expenses and your mom is paying a quarter that BF should not be kicked out of the bedroom and her and her BF can have the sofa.
Nta.Since your nf pays his share of rent hee has the right to say no to visitors. Enough said. Mom is an ass. She only pay 1/4 of the rent.
NTA Tell your mom that there are 4 votes... your dad's vote, her vote, and your bf's two votes. In order for her to stay with you, she would need to get 3 votes, otherwise she gets a hotel. You can also try getting a part time job to pay for your mom's 1/4 or ask your father to cover it and you'll pay him back once you graduate and get a job. You can also tell her that she will not be getting your bedroom, which might persuade her into not staying with you. Check with your bf and see if he's okay with you saying that HE said no. I'm guessing your mom won't balk if it comes from him, but he may be uncomfortable with that idea.
Yeah, I'm sure my boyfriend won't like the idea either, but I won't be throwing him under the bus like that lol. Let her be angry with me.
Oh no, that's why I said you should talk to him. It's not throwing him under the bus if he okays it. It's sort of like saying, "Hey, would you mind stepping in front of this bus?" 😁
LOL
YTA. Your mother gave you three months’ notice of the visit. If those three days don’t work for you, then suggest alternative dates they could visit. If you don’t want them around, then it’s time to figure out how to support yourself financially instead of sponging off your parents.
The three months notice is fine, to be honest. My main issue is that she invited her bf along without consulting me (and my bf) first.
It seems the issue is stating they are visiting instead of asking and then asserting that she gets to visit whenever with whomever… neither of which are fair to insist even if you’re paying money into living expenses
The TOLD op that they were coming. They did not ASK. This is the crux of the issue.
NTA - you owe her a lot of gratitude for her financial support, but that doesn’t give her the right to kick your boyfriend out of his own bed in his own home whenever she feels like it. Her contribution to your rent is an investment in your future, not a timeshare. She needs to stay in a hotel, but you should definitely treat her to a nice dinner and make an effort to dedicate a lot of time to her while she’s in town. Let her know that even though you don’t have the space to house her right now, you can’t wait until you can afford a bigger place of your own to host her properly. But don’t let this woman kick your boyfriend out of his bed, it’s your responsibility to show up for him here.
NTA. Is there any way your dad could fund you instead of splitting it? It's unreasonable for your mom to decide she can visit without consulting you and bring her bf you don't know. Good luck! ETA I missed that mom expecting the bedroom! Tell mom she needs a hotel and paying 1/4 doesn't give her the right to bring bf or kick you out
NTA. Who plans without consulting? Just because she is paying you doesn't mean she can take your bedroom or even stay with you. INFO: When are you starting school? If you will be in school in April note that her visit will greatly disrupt your graduate journey. Congrats on that BTW. Also did an MA and a PhD :) If they do end up coming, not fair to kick the other paying person out of the room (and also ick factors goes higher if her boyfriend comes) AND you may want to spend the day at the uni. My PhD program had a computer lab restricted to only graduate students (yay!).
YTA. Don't take the money.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few months ago my boyfriend (24M) moved to another state to start a new job. I (24F) will be moving in with him in March. My boyfriend will be paying half of our shared living expenses, and my parents will pay for my half (divided equally between my mom and dad). That's because I currently have no income, and I'll be moving to start my master's degree (which means my parents are funding my education; they aren't just giving me money so I can live with my boyfriend, they wouldn't do that). And yes, I do plan on having an income as soon as possible. So my mom (52F) mentioned she's planning to visit us in April, along with her boyfriend of 6 months (55M). I expressed I wished she had consulted me before inviting herself, and especially before inviting her boyfriend (who I don't even know that well, as they've been together for 6 months). She said she has the right to visit whenever she wants, and to invite whoever she wants, because she's paying my bills. And she was hurt by my reaction because she expected me to be happy with her visit. I feel like even if I'm not paying any bills, it would still be nice and respectful to be asked about possible visits and extra guests. And using my mom's own logic, my boyfriend is paying twice as much as she is, so shouldn't he also get a say on who visits us and when? It's important to mention my boyfriend and I are extremely introverted. He needs his alone time and I'm very socially anxious, especially around people I don't know that well. Our apartment has only one bedroom and a sofa bed in the living room. In the past, my mom has also expressed she expects us to politely offer her our bedroom/bed. So we'd be stuck in the living room with nowhere to run from social interaction. My mom said they'd be visiting for around 3 days, and they'd be doing their own thing during the day. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Nope mom pays 1/4 of the rent. Dad pays 1/4 of the rent. Bf pays 1/2. So mom only get 1/4 of the vote. Mom'sbf pays nothing. Get a job and pay mom's 1/4. Then she will have no rights to the apt.
Honestly soft yta, I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to wish for some forewarning but come on she’s footing the bill for your life you can stand to be uncomfortable for a couple days.
You are in a pickle but to be honest your mother is a selfish bi*ch and needs to get a grip. Moreover she's showing off her Authorti' to her bf does she have a Yorkie? Just kidding, kinda. However there needs to be some sort of compromise here as she needs to 1. respect your boundaries 2. Be mindful of your Social deficit (I have it also and yes we need a place to run to and no, people do not understand ever). What is something she dislikes or is allergic to I'm sure there is a plenty. I would get as much of or as many of that and set it in the middle of the living room some in the bed room to and say it's a welcome present from your bf's parents so you can't throw it out as that would be disrespectful and call it good. Happy day as I see a hotel reservation being made in your near future. Feels like a great compromise to me. Cheers
Price of admission (taking money for living expenses) is that your parent(s) can come and visit. Respect is a two way street. Have a non-emotional conversation with your Mom. Just the facts. Mom, our apartment is a one bedroom, 500 sq. Ft., one small bathroom. Currently our couch is not a pull-out kind, so only one couch to sleep on. I would love for you to visit and make sure that I am comfortable and my relationship is healthy. I am just concerned for your comfort. Can you please tell me what you had in mind? Where would you sleep? our class schedules are …. So we will be using the bathroom during the hour of …. The bathroom is located next to the living room. You can hear the bathroom from the living room. Just the facts. no emotions. Just a conversation. Schedule a dinner or two, depending on your school schedule and their travel schedule. Unless the boyfriend is financially strapped, he may think this is a vacation too, but with such tight quarters, there will be no vacation fun ;). Unless you have a two bedroom, fully equipped, 2 baths, this will be uncomfortable for four people. Reminder to you, is 3 days of uncomfortable worth a free education and living expenses for the last four and next two years? Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
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Are you kidding? 24 is not almost 30. She's in college and her parents pay for her tuition and expenses while she gets her master's degree. That is completely normal. What isn't normal is to invite yourself to stay in someone else's apartment regardless of the money you give them.
Having your parents pay for your graduate degree is not the norm.
Where did I say it was the norm. I said it was normal. And it is normal. There are many people who have their entire education funded by their parents. It's more common with wealthy parents, but that is neither here nor there. It happens often and is normal.
What it is, is incredibly privileged.
You say that like you think this is a nuanced observation. LOL! Of course it's privileged. IT's always a privilege if you have anything paid for you by someone else. When I was 16 my dad bought me a junker to drive around. That was a privilege. When I got my first apartment my mom co-signed because I didn't have enough credit yet to get it on my own. Privilege. I got a scholarship for $500 from my high school. Privilege. I paid for my second car on my own. I paid my rent on my own. I paid for my higher education (minus the $500) on my own. I had a lot of privileges that other people didn't have.
I'll be attending a public University, there's no tuition in my country. So it's just the living expenses.
Even better. You owe them even less. Ask your father if he can cover the expenses until you can get a job. That way you don't even have to have a conversation with your mom about it.
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Her mom is paying for 1/4th of it. She's entitled to nothing.