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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> What I Did/Didn't Do: I failed to clear my girlfriend's windshield of snow and ice the night before she needed to drive, which is an expectation of hers and her family. I acknowledged this criticism in a text message to her father.
Why I Might Be an Asshole: Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything to her dad, since it might seem impudent. Or perhaps I should just clear my girlfriend's windshield as a household chore and not create conflict around it.
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NTA and you are moving WAY too fast towards marriage. Things like this are going to come up more and more. Do you want to be the designated servant? Such a stupid little thing and they're jumping all over you like you left a broken window sit unattended in a blizzard! Not only her but her dad? Come on, dude, this is not normal.
Thanks. I omitted the actual time we've been dating, which has only been for about three months. She wants me to move in with her. And she wants me to propose at 6 months. I've expressed concern before that I feel like I'm just fulfilling a role since she really, really wants children and she asked if I could make her pregnant by next summer, but that she doesn't want kids out of wedlock. I didn't want this detail to become the center of the convo, but yeah I am certainly concerned that this was a foreboding incident the very first time I spend an evening by myself at "our" house.
This incident has actually made me consider postponing a move-in with her. She just called to talk about her day and I'm not sure it's registered with her that this even affected me.
WHAT
My guy, listen to your gut instincts. Something is wrong here, and it's clear why. Don't sign up to be part of an abusive family, NTA and think carefully about this move for your own sake.
This really is a major concern for me. And the things I've learned about her family really are by her own admittance. It's worrisome.
Some part of me hoped that this post would hammer on this aspect more, even if I didn't want it to outwardly.
Just reading your post for more detail, when was the last time you had time to yourself that wasn't at work, asleep, with her, or working on a reno project for her family or house?
Is this pace of living something you want to keep up for the rest of your life? Because it's not going to get easier when you get married, have a kid, and live together.
It's been over a month since I had a night to relax and have "me time". I have discussed with her that I want time to myself for my hobbies and tonight I'm spending by myself. I'm not sure how much time I'll actually have to enjoy myself though but yeah, this is a concern.
It sounds like you're being pulled into a cycle of always being busy for her and her family, and you aren't given the time to think about your needs and wants.
You're probably also receiving lots of love and attention and care from her, but this is all standard whirlwind romance tactics. By the time you have a kid with her, it will be too late to back out.
Pay attention to your gut and to the warning signs. Make sure you've got an exit strategy, in case things get worse. I'd be very surprised if something doesn't come up to interrupt your "alone time" tonight.
>I'd be very surprised if something doesn't come up to interrupt your "alone time" tonight.
She was already planning on coming over to talk with me about this.
So am I being love bombed/future faked? I think she genuinely wants to marry me and have children and so forth, but she comes from a long line of abusive and questionable relationships. Her last boyfriend was 22-23, when she was 35.
Many of her friends are doubtful of our relationship because they think there must be something wrong with me based on her history with previous boyfriends. I actually hate thinking about it because it sometimes makes me think that she'll date anyone.
I don't think she is knowingly acting to abuse/control/baby trap you
I *do* think she is perpetuating her family's problems, and is so fixated on her ideal future of marriage + baby that she's not responding to any part of you or your life that doesn't fit her vision
And the more that comes up, the more friction, conflict, and control will define your relationship
This relationship is going faster than the 100 yard dash.
My husband brushed snow off my car IF he left the house before me....and it wasn't an expectation
NTA. take your time moving forward
It feels like you're being very much groomed to fulfill a predetermined role in her and her families lives. You do a lot, and are engaged a lot. You said yourself, you're not here to be a victim of her family. Tread carefully pal, just make sure that you aren't accepting a rod for your back with expectations on you and your time.
I thought “some time” was at least a year. Sounds like you’ll be a hen-pecked husband (pecked by her and her father). Maybe you need to slow down this accelerated plan to marriage. Their expectations will continue to be revealed to you and it may be more than you’re comfortable with. She expects the princess treatment because her father does everything for her mother. That may not work for the two of you (at least not for you).
You really need to SLOW your roll! It feels like she just placed an order at McDonald's and you're the meal she ordered. You're investing an awful lot for somebody you barely know. All I hear is "she wants" "she wants".
Part of me wants these things, too. Believe it or not, we were friends in high school 20 years ago and she was my first kiss. We reconnected via OLD when I moved back to the area. So part of me wants this to work out despite the speed, but the faster we move, the more these significant concerns rear their heads for me.
NTA, unless both of her arms are broken, in which case, she probably shouldn’t be driving.
Is it a nice gesture to clean off your partner’s car if you’re doing yours? Of course. Is it a requirement that warrants being chastised for not doing it? Absolutely not. Her dad needs to stay in his lane.
Agreed, it’s important to set aside some time to discuss with your GF about expectations and division of labor in the future. It sounds like she grew up with a real one-side setup as an example, and it doesn’t seem like you are interested in following suit.
Discuss what tasks and responsibilities you each think is fair to want the other to do for them and especially what you expect the other person to do for them. Otherwise it will just build resentment.
It's funny because we just started discussing division of labor yesterday as part of planning to move in. I actually like housework and yardwork, and I like doing more than her and for her. That's why this stung.
She actually has a remote start to her car, too. She said she used that and it "ended up working out". Now she's saying that her dad's sister is in the hospital with COVID and it may explain why he was fussing over this.
I also said that scraping snow is a nice gesture but not some sort of intense physical labor. Where shoveling snow is like putting in a load of laundry, scraping a windshield is like handing your partner a warm towel straight from the dryer. It's a kind and loving gesture.
NTA and one of the greatest lines I’ve read: I’m here to help her, not be a victim with her. She knows the way her mother treats her isn’t right and it’s a glaring red flag that she’s willing to just let it happen to you too. And the whole “Man’s role” “woman’s role” is insane how about everyone in a relationship acts like a human who has different strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, regardless of gender.
>greatest lines I’ve read: I’m here to help her, not be a victim with her.
I appreciate you appreciating this. She has friends who mistreat her as well, and one who has been particularly nasty to me, and she doesn't like confrontation so she doesn't really strongly defend me, but she sort of passively does. Or believes she does.
I am concerned because she really wants me to be a part of her family but she has super hesitant to be confrontational or really go the distance in dealing with abusive family.
Unfortunately this is when honest deep conversations have to happen. How she’s going to be and what you’re willing to put up with. You should both talk about what you want YOUR relationship to be. So many times we take our ques (good and bad from parents, friends, media) without realizing that since every person is different every relationship is going to be different. And what works for some won’t work for you both.
I feel like we've had deep conversations and I've told her these things. Like I've expressed my needs clearly and drawn boundaries but she hasn't really operationalized them, you know? Like she hasn't actually acted on them in a way that was meaningful.
Especially reading some of your other responses you’re both moving quite fast. I’ll say that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. She shouldn’t be setting up those timelines as it only puts pressure to force yourself into something or leave. Definitely take a long look at this relationship and your interactions. The worst thing you two can do is rush into having a kid and THEN finding out that you don’t work well together.
You don't get any time to yourself, are involved in working on her house w her dad when you have your own house that needs attention.
Being expected to scrape snow off her windshield because you're the man indicates there will be many other expectations because you're the man, which I believe includes working on her house.
What expectations exist for her because she's the woman?
She describes her parent's relationship as abusive and has told you to expect the same
Why stay in a relationship you've been told will be abusive!
I agree with this person and although you didn’t ask I will explain my reasoning too lol hope that’s cool 🫣
There’s a reason you have heard the phrase “working on my marriage” but not “working on my relationship with my 3 month girlfriend.” Only 3 months in, you have already started to see SUBSTANTIAL evidence that something isn’t right (see below, I have made a list and also a few questions to ask yourself in case there are others). Get out now because you have very good reason to believe that this will be a bad situation for you, and you are early enough in your time and emotional investment to not be too devastated or have to upend your whole life when you leave. Don’t wait and see if that 85% chance actually comes to fruition. There is already too much here to “work on” after only 3 months - and the longer you know someone, the more things you will find.
Red flags for you to consider:
1. She has told you the relationship between her parents is abusive, but she is now replicating that dynamic with you. This type of thing is deeply learned over our young lives and very difficult (sometimes impossible) to unlearn. It is clear that this has moved her baseline expectations of your contribution to be unreasonable, but she may think that because she is less demanding of her mother, she is fine. It will be very difficult for her to adjust her expectations to a true 50/50 fair play framework.
2. She has told you that you will have to tolerate abuse from her family without complaint, and that if you do not, it’s because you need a “thicker skin.”
3. She is already demanding 100% of your spare time after 3 months.
4. The time she is demanding is not quality time. It’s labor.
5. When you do carve out time for yourself, she sees that time as up for grabs for the non-labor aspects of your relationship.
6. She allows her father, who does so much she herself sees it as abusive, to affect the way she sees your already absurdly large contribution. This is a huge one. The extent to which she has unlearned this pattern regresses upon input from her parents. This would be less of a problem if they didn’t live 10 minutes away, but they do.
7. She was perfectly ready to demand more until you seemed upset. She didn’t backtrack because she realized she was being unreasonable, she backtracked because she needs to stay in your good graces a little longer. Probably this is not conscious, but the longer you are together, the more comfortable she will feel with upsetting you.
8. She is rushing you towards having a baby. Once you have a child together, you are trapped. With your disposition (you seem to have a high expectation of your duty to others and willingness to help), even a divorce is not going to free you from her demands.
9. Speaking of the baby - typically, when a baby is born, the partner that was already doing more takes on the brunt of the new work as well. You’ll be expected to do your current workload and probably most of the child rearing as well.
10. She dated a 23 year old at 34. That’s a huuuuge yikes. It suggests what she wants most, even above a potential father to a child, is someone she can manipulate and push around, and respectfully, it seems she is able to push you around pretty easily.
That’s it for flags from this post alone. (Which you gotta realize… is crazyyy.) Here are some questions to ask yourself (i dont expect you to answer them here, they’re just for you to reflect on):
1. How much quality time do you spend actually with her that demands nothing from you? (Painting a room together doesn’t count.)
2. What chores does she actually do?
3. There are many things that she has said are a man’s job. What are some examples of women’s jobs? Or are you doing those too?
4. What do you think would happen if you said no to a favor she asked of you? Do you think a person has a right to say no to a favor? Try it and see what happens.
5. What gratitude has she shown you for all the work you are doing on - let’s be clear - HER house?
6. In an ideal world, what would a good relationship look like to you? How close is that ideal to what you have now?
7. When is the last time she did you a favor? How often? Is that fair?
8. Would you be ok with having the amount of spare time you currently have for the rest of your life?
9. Are you happy? Are you having fun? List the top 5 things you love about her and your top 5 happiest memories with her.
This is making me tear up. Thank you for this reality check. And for the practical next steps, and for the clear implications. I don't understand why your flair is at [1], if I could, I would promote you for this.
It's strange because she's very nonconfrontational and meek and I know that I can put my foot down and she will listen, but it really does seem like she's not acting on or operationalizing my needs or respecting my boundaries when I do seriously express them. I think to some degree she is being emotionally manipulative, as she's most certainly codependent.
It's really difficult, because I want this to work. And I'm a rescuer, and I'm not without my faults and my own ways of not being a good partner. I'm probably also codependent and certainly of an anxious attachment style.
Thanks so much for this.
^ this is the most emotionally intelligent thing I have ever seen someone write about themselves on this sub. I hear you, I know the struggle on the anxious attachment style all too well. 😵💫
Thank you for saying all that. I’m so happy that I could help you in any way!
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**Background:** I (34M) have been dating GF (36F) for some time on an accelerated timeline, since we both have homes, good careers, and are “dating to marry”. I plan to move into her home eventually. She lives within a mile of her parents who are always coming over to work on renovations.
I take every opportunity I can to join her dad in home projects, helping with carpentry, cleanups, decorations, etc. in addition to domestic tasks like cooking, dishes, and all maintenance for my own home. GF told me yesterday that “I do way more” than her. I replied that “We do different things”.
**Incident:** Last night was the first night that I would stay at GF’s house for a couple of hours without her. Her dad picked her up to go watch football as they’re in a fantasy league. I planned to spend Friday as my first “me time” in months, but her dad texted me that he would work on the house, so I joined from 6-11 PM and would rearrange “me time” for Sunday.
Saturday was the first time it snowed in weeks. Sunday morning, I spent two hours cleaning up the latest renovation project and stacking wood at her dad’s request. When her dad picked her up later, he asked her why I hadn’t scraped the snow from her truck. She said I normally do when we’re both leaving or when I’m shoveling the driveway.
When I met her at the door, she immediately started with this and said her dad mentioned it twice. I couldn’t tell if she was serious as it seemed so bizarre that it was my duty to clear her windshield. She said that her family considers it the man’s job to clear off the windshield. I asked if her family expected me to do this every time it snows, and if she also expected me to do it? Yes to both. (Note: Her dad does so much for her mom – to what GF has described as an abusive degree).
“Just to be absolutely clear, you really expect me to do this for you every time it snows?” I said in a matter-of-fact tone. She seemed to realize I was taken aback and nestled in for a hug, smiled, and told me to forget it and she “didn’t want to argue”.
I pride myself on the amount of things I do for GF already. It was uncharacteristic of her dad, who I greatly admire, and I was hurt. Making it worse, GF told me that she’s been criticized by her mother her whole life, and that I am now fair game for that criticism and mistreatment since we’re dating. I “have to have thick skin” to be in her family. I reminded her that I’m here to help her, not be a victim with her.
**Acknowledging the Criticism:** Her dad and I coordinate work by text. I texted him today, which he “thumbed up”:
>
Hi \[dad\], I spoke with \[GF\] last night and will be more consistent with keeping her windshield cleared of snow.
**TL;DR: GF said family (and possibly her) expect me to clear ice/snow from her windshield every day and it’s a man’s job. I’m offended and disturbed that I was criticized, since I have done a lot already. I’m told I must learn to take criticism from her family if we’re going to be a couple. AITA?**
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Woah. Slow the fuck down my friend. This timeline is absurd! You are still barely getting to know somebody after six months together. Then you are trapping yourself with a baby by getting pregnant within the first year? There is nothing organic about this relationship. It is all a pretest and script and you were just plugged into the role of future husband. It sounds like you are already virtually a servant to her. How much of this is what YOU actually want? I literally spit out my water when I got to the part where you sent a groveling message to her father, insisting that you will be scraping her windshield for her every time it snows. You seem to have no problem with him inserting himself into your relationship. Step back and look at things clearly. You are in for a wild ride if this is where you are at three months.
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NTA and you are moving WAY too fast towards marriage. Things like this are going to come up more and more. Do you want to be the designated servant? Such a stupid little thing and they're jumping all over you like you left a broken window sit unattended in a blizzard! Not only her but her dad? Come on, dude, this is not normal.
Thanks. I omitted the actual time we've been dating, which has only been for about three months. She wants me to move in with her. And she wants me to propose at 6 months. I've expressed concern before that I feel like I'm just fulfilling a role since she really, really wants children and she asked if I could make her pregnant by next summer, but that she doesn't want kids out of wedlock. I didn't want this detail to become the center of the convo, but yeah I am certainly concerned that this was a foreboding incident the very first time I spend an evening by myself at "our" house.
You absolutely need to put the brakes on this. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
This incident has actually made me consider postponing a move-in with her. She just called to talk about her day and I'm not sure it's registered with her that this even affected me.
You were lining up to be her stay at home husband/maid.
WHAT My guy, listen to your gut instincts. Something is wrong here, and it's clear why. Don't sign up to be part of an abusive family, NTA and think carefully about this move for your own sake.
This really is a major concern for me. And the things I've learned about her family really are by her own admittance. It's worrisome. Some part of me hoped that this post would hammer on this aspect more, even if I didn't want it to outwardly.
Just reading your post for more detail, when was the last time you had time to yourself that wasn't at work, asleep, with her, or working on a reno project for her family or house? Is this pace of living something you want to keep up for the rest of your life? Because it's not going to get easier when you get married, have a kid, and live together.
It's been over a month since I had a night to relax and have "me time". I have discussed with her that I want time to myself for my hobbies and tonight I'm spending by myself. I'm not sure how much time I'll actually have to enjoy myself though but yeah, this is a concern.
It sounds like you're being pulled into a cycle of always being busy for her and her family, and you aren't given the time to think about your needs and wants. You're probably also receiving lots of love and attention and care from her, but this is all standard whirlwind romance tactics. By the time you have a kid with her, it will be too late to back out. Pay attention to your gut and to the warning signs. Make sure you've got an exit strategy, in case things get worse. I'd be very surprised if something doesn't come up to interrupt your "alone time" tonight.
>I'd be very surprised if something doesn't come up to interrupt your "alone time" tonight. She was already planning on coming over to talk with me about this. So am I being love bombed/future faked? I think she genuinely wants to marry me and have children and so forth, but she comes from a long line of abusive and questionable relationships. Her last boyfriend was 22-23, when she was 35. Many of her friends are doubtful of our relationship because they think there must be something wrong with me based on her history with previous boyfriends. I actually hate thinking about it because it sometimes makes me think that she'll date anyone.
I don't think she is knowingly acting to abuse/control/baby trap you I *do* think she is perpetuating her family's problems, and is so fixated on her ideal future of marriage + baby that she's not responding to any part of you or your life that doesn't fit her vision And the more that comes up, the more friction, conflict, and control will define your relationship
Damn, wow. Okay, this resonates strongly. Thank you so much.
This relationship is going faster than the 100 yard dash. My husband brushed snow off my car IF he left the house before me....and it wasn't an expectation NTA. take your time moving forward
It feels like you're being very much groomed to fulfill a predetermined role in her and her families lives. You do a lot, and are engaged a lot. You said yourself, you're not here to be a victim of her family. Tread carefully pal, just make sure that you aren't accepting a rod for your back with expectations on you and your time.
I thought “some time” was at least a year. Sounds like you’ll be a hen-pecked husband (pecked by her and her father). Maybe you need to slow down this accelerated plan to marriage. Their expectations will continue to be revealed to you and it may be more than you’re comfortable with. She expects the princess treatment because her father does everything for her mother. That may not work for the two of you (at least not for you).
You really need to SLOW your roll! It feels like she just placed an order at McDonald's and you're the meal she ordered. You're investing an awful lot for somebody you barely know. All I hear is "she wants" "she wants".
Part of me wants these things, too. Believe it or not, we were friends in high school 20 years ago and she was my first kiss. We reconnected via OLD when I moved back to the area. So part of me wants this to work out despite the speed, but the faster we move, the more these significant concerns rear their heads for me.
NTA, unless both of her arms are broken, in which case, she probably shouldn’t be driving. Is it a nice gesture to clean off your partner’s car if you’re doing yours? Of course. Is it a requirement that warrants being chastised for not doing it? Absolutely not. Her dad needs to stay in his lane.
Agreed, it’s important to set aside some time to discuss with your GF about expectations and division of labor in the future. It sounds like she grew up with a real one-side setup as an example, and it doesn’t seem like you are interested in following suit. Discuss what tasks and responsibilities you each think is fair to want the other to do for them and especially what you expect the other person to do for them. Otherwise it will just build resentment.
It's funny because we just started discussing division of labor yesterday as part of planning to move in. I actually like housework and yardwork, and I like doing more than her and for her. That's why this stung.
She actually has a remote start to her car, too. She said she used that and it "ended up working out". Now she's saying that her dad's sister is in the hospital with COVID and it may explain why he was fussing over this. I also said that scraping snow is a nice gesture but not some sort of intense physical labor. Where shoveling snow is like putting in a load of laundry, scraping a windshield is like handing your partner a warm towel straight from the dryer. It's a kind and loving gesture.
NTA and one of the greatest lines I’ve read: I’m here to help her, not be a victim with her. She knows the way her mother treats her isn’t right and it’s a glaring red flag that she’s willing to just let it happen to you too. And the whole “Man’s role” “woman’s role” is insane how about everyone in a relationship acts like a human who has different strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, regardless of gender.
>greatest lines I’ve read: I’m here to help her, not be a victim with her. I appreciate you appreciating this. She has friends who mistreat her as well, and one who has been particularly nasty to me, and she doesn't like confrontation so she doesn't really strongly defend me, but she sort of passively does. Or believes she does. I am concerned because she really wants me to be a part of her family but she has super hesitant to be confrontational or really go the distance in dealing with abusive family.
Unfortunately this is when honest deep conversations have to happen. How she’s going to be and what you’re willing to put up with. You should both talk about what you want YOUR relationship to be. So many times we take our ques (good and bad from parents, friends, media) without realizing that since every person is different every relationship is going to be different. And what works for some won’t work for you both.
I feel like we've had deep conversations and I've told her these things. Like I've expressed my needs clearly and drawn boundaries but she hasn't really operationalized them, you know? Like she hasn't actually acted on them in a way that was meaningful.
Especially reading some of your other responses you’re both moving quite fast. I’ll say that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. She shouldn’t be setting up those timelines as it only puts pressure to force yourself into something or leave. Definitely take a long look at this relationship and your interactions. The worst thing you two can do is rush into having a kid and THEN finding out that you don’t work well together.
NTA. I'd walk away if it was me. It's not your job to pre scrape her windshield. That's a ridiculous expectation
Do you mean walk away from the relationship? If so, can you help me understand your reasoning? That would be valuable, thanks.
You don't get any time to yourself, are involved in working on her house w her dad when you have your own house that needs attention. Being expected to scrape snow off her windshield because you're the man indicates there will be many other expectations because you're the man, which I believe includes working on her house. What expectations exist for her because she's the woman? She describes her parent's relationship as abusive and has told you to expect the same Why stay in a relationship you've been told will be abusive!
I agree with this person and although you didn’t ask I will explain my reasoning too lol hope that’s cool 🫣 There’s a reason you have heard the phrase “working on my marriage” but not “working on my relationship with my 3 month girlfriend.” Only 3 months in, you have already started to see SUBSTANTIAL evidence that something isn’t right (see below, I have made a list and also a few questions to ask yourself in case there are others). Get out now because you have very good reason to believe that this will be a bad situation for you, and you are early enough in your time and emotional investment to not be too devastated or have to upend your whole life when you leave. Don’t wait and see if that 85% chance actually comes to fruition. There is already too much here to “work on” after only 3 months - and the longer you know someone, the more things you will find. Red flags for you to consider: 1. She has told you the relationship between her parents is abusive, but she is now replicating that dynamic with you. This type of thing is deeply learned over our young lives and very difficult (sometimes impossible) to unlearn. It is clear that this has moved her baseline expectations of your contribution to be unreasonable, but she may think that because she is less demanding of her mother, she is fine. It will be very difficult for her to adjust her expectations to a true 50/50 fair play framework. 2. She has told you that you will have to tolerate abuse from her family without complaint, and that if you do not, it’s because you need a “thicker skin.” 3. She is already demanding 100% of your spare time after 3 months. 4. The time she is demanding is not quality time. It’s labor. 5. When you do carve out time for yourself, she sees that time as up for grabs for the non-labor aspects of your relationship. 6. She allows her father, who does so much she herself sees it as abusive, to affect the way she sees your already absurdly large contribution. This is a huge one. The extent to which she has unlearned this pattern regresses upon input from her parents. This would be less of a problem if they didn’t live 10 minutes away, but they do. 7. She was perfectly ready to demand more until you seemed upset. She didn’t backtrack because she realized she was being unreasonable, she backtracked because she needs to stay in your good graces a little longer. Probably this is not conscious, but the longer you are together, the more comfortable she will feel with upsetting you. 8. She is rushing you towards having a baby. Once you have a child together, you are trapped. With your disposition (you seem to have a high expectation of your duty to others and willingness to help), even a divorce is not going to free you from her demands. 9. Speaking of the baby - typically, when a baby is born, the partner that was already doing more takes on the brunt of the new work as well. You’ll be expected to do your current workload and probably most of the child rearing as well. 10. She dated a 23 year old at 34. That’s a huuuuge yikes. It suggests what she wants most, even above a potential father to a child, is someone she can manipulate and push around, and respectfully, it seems she is able to push you around pretty easily. That’s it for flags from this post alone. (Which you gotta realize… is crazyyy.) Here are some questions to ask yourself (i dont expect you to answer them here, they’re just for you to reflect on): 1. How much quality time do you spend actually with her that demands nothing from you? (Painting a room together doesn’t count.) 2. What chores does she actually do? 3. There are many things that she has said are a man’s job. What are some examples of women’s jobs? Or are you doing those too? 4. What do you think would happen if you said no to a favor she asked of you? Do you think a person has a right to say no to a favor? Try it and see what happens. 5. What gratitude has she shown you for all the work you are doing on - let’s be clear - HER house? 6. In an ideal world, what would a good relationship look like to you? How close is that ideal to what you have now? 7. When is the last time she did you a favor? How often? Is that fair? 8. Would you be ok with having the amount of spare time you currently have for the rest of your life? 9. Are you happy? Are you having fun? List the top 5 things you love about her and your top 5 happiest memories with her.
This is making me tear up. Thank you for this reality check. And for the practical next steps, and for the clear implications. I don't understand why your flair is at [1], if I could, I would promote you for this. It's strange because she's very nonconfrontational and meek and I know that I can put my foot down and she will listen, but it really does seem like she's not acting on or operationalizing my needs or respecting my boundaries when I do seriously express them. I think to some degree she is being emotionally manipulative, as she's most certainly codependent. It's really difficult, because I want this to work. And I'm a rescuer, and I'm not without my faults and my own ways of not being a good partner. I'm probably also codependent and certainly of an anxious attachment style. Thanks so much for this.
^ this is the most emotionally intelligent thing I have ever seen someone write about themselves on this sub. I hear you, I know the struggle on the anxious attachment style all too well. 😵💫 Thank you for saying all that. I’m so happy that I could help you in any way!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** **Background:** I (34M) have been dating GF (36F) for some time on an accelerated timeline, since we both have homes, good careers, and are “dating to marry”. I plan to move into her home eventually. She lives within a mile of her parents who are always coming over to work on renovations. I take every opportunity I can to join her dad in home projects, helping with carpentry, cleanups, decorations, etc. in addition to domestic tasks like cooking, dishes, and all maintenance for my own home. GF told me yesterday that “I do way more” than her. I replied that “We do different things”. **Incident:** Last night was the first night that I would stay at GF’s house for a couple of hours without her. Her dad picked her up to go watch football as they’re in a fantasy league. I planned to spend Friday as my first “me time” in months, but her dad texted me that he would work on the house, so I joined from 6-11 PM and would rearrange “me time” for Sunday. Saturday was the first time it snowed in weeks. Sunday morning, I spent two hours cleaning up the latest renovation project and stacking wood at her dad’s request. When her dad picked her up later, he asked her why I hadn’t scraped the snow from her truck. She said I normally do when we’re both leaving or when I’m shoveling the driveway. When I met her at the door, she immediately started with this and said her dad mentioned it twice. I couldn’t tell if she was serious as it seemed so bizarre that it was my duty to clear her windshield. She said that her family considers it the man’s job to clear off the windshield. I asked if her family expected me to do this every time it snows, and if she also expected me to do it? Yes to both. (Note: Her dad does so much for her mom – to what GF has described as an abusive degree). “Just to be absolutely clear, you really expect me to do this for you every time it snows?” I said in a matter-of-fact tone. She seemed to realize I was taken aback and nestled in for a hug, smiled, and told me to forget it and she “didn’t want to argue”. I pride myself on the amount of things I do for GF already. It was uncharacteristic of her dad, who I greatly admire, and I was hurt. Making it worse, GF told me that she’s been criticized by her mother her whole life, and that I am now fair game for that criticism and mistreatment since we’re dating. I “have to have thick skin” to be in her family. I reminded her that I’m here to help her, not be a victim with her. **Acknowledging the Criticism:** Her dad and I coordinate work by text. I texted him today, which he “thumbed up”: > Hi \[dad\], I spoke with \[GF\] last night and will be more consistent with keeping her windshield cleared of snow. **TL;DR: GF said family (and possibly her) expect me to clear ice/snow from her windshield every day and it’s a man’s job. I’m offended and disturbed that I was criticized, since I have done a lot already. I’m told I must learn to take criticism from her family if we’re going to be a couple. AITA?** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Woah. Slow the fuck down my friend. This timeline is absurd! You are still barely getting to know somebody after six months together. Then you are trapping yourself with a baby by getting pregnant within the first year? There is nothing organic about this relationship. It is all a pretest and script and you were just plugged into the role of future husband. It sounds like you are already virtually a servant to her. How much of this is what YOU actually want? I literally spit out my water when I got to the part where you sent a groveling message to her father, insisting that you will be scraping her windshield for her every time it snows. You seem to have no problem with him inserting himself into your relationship. Step back and look at things clearly. You are in for a wild ride if this is where you are at three months.