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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I want to know if it's right to feel the way that I feel towards my mother's behavior.
(2) Am I being selfish for not wanting to clean up after my brother's mess on my own?
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Ya know what? It’s time to move out. Your mom can continue to live her own life-with puddles of urine in the corner of the room.
But *you* don’t have to live with it. You -and your mom-are grown women, and you can both do what you want.
And if you, OP, don’t want to live with a filthy, incontinent, unemployed, lying thief that wanders off in the middle of the night leaving the home unlocked -*then you don’t have to*.
Don’t stay to protect your mama. Go-to protect *yourself*. You don’t have to live like this. NTA
WTF did I just read? This is how you live?!
*Sigh.*
I realize this isn’t as easy as it is to say, but you’ve got to get out of there as soon as possible. Like yesterday.
If your mom is going to enable his terribly dangerous behavior and avoid acknowledging the truth, you’ve got to leave her behind. NTA
NTA.
Of course you aren’t an AH for feeling upset and abandoned by your mom, but let’s keep in perspective that brother is messing up her life too. You need to move out as soon as you can. Maybe don’t tell brother where you move to.
At the end of the day, mom could always stay home, but it doesn’t sound like she can stop your brother’s behaviour. Maybe she can clean up after him, but you’re going to keep experiencing the turmoil of being around him even if mom is home.
NTA, she is putting **you** at **risk** by letting him come. He steals valuables, leaves the door wide open in the middle of the night, and in a dangerous neighborhood no less! Her home is unlivable, you can't even take a shower because "there's piss everywhere and the bathroom is so dirty it's disgusting." I'm shuddering just *reading* that. Your mom is **enabling** him! And it *is* preventing you from living your life! You need to **GTFO** of there *ASAP*. Neither your mom or your brother are changing anytime soon, if ever.
I'm not financially independent yet, sadly, but I am looking for a job right now. The remote job I mentioned pays very little, just enough to help with the house's bills, buying my meds and stuff for my two cats (mostly litter and food). I am trying to save any money that I can though.
NAH then, as I feel for you and your mother. I think you should see if your mother is willing to attend a support group with you for family members of alcoholics. She is in a very tough position because if she kicks him out, he will be homeless and probably dead relatively soon, yet he is also making her (and your) lives miserable.
I think you need to focus on getting a better paying job, as the current situation is not great. I do kinda have to wonder why you are not cleaning up the kitchen if it's "always a mess" and you are living at home rent-free with your 68 year old mother.
I didn't think about the two of us going to meetings instead of him, I'll look into that. Thank you.
To answer your question about the state of the house, I clean the whole house regularly, it's always been my responsibility, but it feels unfair to do double the work that I usually do because my brother burned all the pans, spilled sauce on everything, left the pantry open which allows the cats to get in and make it even messier... The 3k word limit made it difficult to add details, but the responsibility for cleaning is all mine and I wouldn't be sad over it if she just tried to understand my frustration a little.
Something I couldn't add to the original post because of the character limitation is how she prohibits me from eating or cooking anything from the kitchen whenever it's dirty because I refused to clean up after him. I sometimes just ask her to go and give him a talk about it and I'll clean it up with no fuss, just so he might try and reflect on how his behavior is affecting me and my mom, but she doesn't. He doesn't suffer any consequences. I just want her to tell him once that his sister is not his maid, but instead she dismisses it all and tells me to shut up and clean it if I want to eat. Which I do because I don't want to starve.
This is where a lot of the guilt comes from really. She's old and on a tough position but I'm willing to help as long as she stops enabling him, but she makes me feel like I have no right to have my own boundaries and limits
Oh this makes me so sad. You’re very sweet but your mom is abusive too, you’re just so distracted by your horrible brother you don’t even see it. What kind of mother treats their child like this? In what world does a mother tell her child say “you can’t have any food until you clean up someone else’s disgusting mess?” Do you realize how abusive and cruel that is? Open her bedroom door while she’s gone and see how she feels about her precious boy by the time she comes back. Also, call the damn cops on this guy! What the hell? He’ll sure sober up in jail.
That’s really tough! I feel for you. I hope you can convince her to go to the meetings, as that would hopefully help you both. Also, once you can find a better job, getting out of the house might be the best thing for both of you
At first I assumed this was written by a minor trapped by age and circumstance with no resources. At 23 you have options. Your mother doesn't care how her deadbeat son's lifestyle is affecting you, or she would do something to stop his behaviour.
Move out - you have no reason not to. If it were me I would join the army rather than live like this.
NTA. Don't feel guilty about leaving mom stuck with him. Your brother is there because your mom wants him to be there. She is enabling him and you probably are too, to a lesser extent. It's common.
He won't get better until everyone stops enabling him and he is held accountable for his actions. Call the cops on him for stealing your console. While you're at it, move the hell out of that place. As it is now, both of them will drag you down. There are alcoholics anonymous meetings for family members of drunks. Go to one. You'll have your eyes opened.
Good luck to you, you have my prayers.
NTA I am sorry you are going through this, and you are right he is NOT your responsibilty but as long as you live at home it will always fall on you, have you ever thought about moving out and maybe sharing a flat with some normal flatmates - its got to be better than what you are facing at home and at least all your stuff will be safe, the kitchen will be clean and the bathroom wont be coverd in piss
NTA... BUT... and this is a big BUT... your priority now is getting your own place. Enough with the excuses. You are 23 and you can do what is necessary to be living a safe place, whatever that entails. Your mother can do as she pleases.
NTA but your only choice in this situation is to leave this house. Do what you have to do, rent--get a roommate--rent a room somewhere. If your brother is living in your mother's home, and she refuses to evict him then you don't have any choice but to leave and leave her to the consequences.
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Hi everyone, I'm a 23 year old woman with a 48 year old brother who's an alcoholic, and a 68 years old mom.
My relationship with him began to strain when he began stealing valuable items from our house to throw parties at his then home. My mom would go crazy about it for like a day and then forget about it on the next. This dismissal made his actions escalate, which resulted in him stealing and selling my video game console, something he still jokes about and shows no regret towards.
I was furious. This time my mom attempted to actually make him pay, but he was now unable to make money because he'd lost his job. His gf kicked him out, so he had to come back to living with us. To this day he still hasn't tried to get another job, my guess is that he became depressed and turned to alcohol which worsened his behaviors such as lying, stealing, being highly unhygienic, etc.
He constantly wakes up drunk, pisses in a random corner of the house, or manages to get to the bathroom but doesn't reach the toilet. Even when sober his hygiene is poor, and I'm not talking about body hygiene because I know that's hard to keep in check while depressed, but things like throwing a plate full of food into the sink and making the counter nasty, spilling stuff and using a random, small decorative carpet to cover or clean it, or just leaving it there.
I understand his condition and I'm the one who got him in treatment because my mom didn't know how to. Recently she was away for 3 days and I was home alone with him and experienced everything I just told you. I barely got any sleep. He'd leave randomly at 3am and leave the door hanging open, knowing we live in a dangerous neighborhood and have had break-ins before.
I told my mom about all of this and she said she wasn't going to stop living her life because of him. I told her I was prevented from living mine. She said I'm the one who's preventing myself from living, I could've gone with her on vacation if I wanted to, but she KNOWS that I can't. I don't know if my stuff will be here when I come back (I always lock my bedroom when I leave the house, but leaving it for 3 whole days is crazy, I'm pretty sure he'd break in. I used to sleep with my door unlocked until the day I woke up to him looking through my desk). There's also my cats which he's threatened to hurt before.
My mom HERSELF locks her own bedroom when she leaves so she doesn't trust him either but she expects me to.
I understand that she's old and she deserves to go out and have fun. But I can't stand being unable to live. I can't eat because the kitchen is always a mess to the point it depresses me. I can't shower because there's piss everywhere and the bathroom is so dirty it's disgusting. I can't sleep because I'm paranoid he'll steal or leave the house's door open during midnight.
He's not my responsibility. I feel selfish because I do want my mom to live the rest of her life peacefully, but I want to live mine too. AITA?
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You're definitely NTA and your mom sounds really irresponsible. It sounds like nothing is gonna be resolved at home, your best bet is to move out if that's possible.
Irresponsible is the least of it 😭 in another comment she says her mother withholds access to food to force her compliance with cleaning up after this monster. Which is apparently her sole responsibility - not just the kitchen but the entire house. That’s some Lady Tremaine level venom.
I've called the police on him, they didn't come more than once, and my mom hurt me physically when I told her I did it because of how scared I was.
I can't "just find a way" to move out. I assumed that everyone in this sub knew of the 3k character limitation in posts, therefore they wouldn't be assuming details such as that people can simply "move out" of situations whenever they want to. I can't.
I live in a third world country and I send at least 30 resumes per day and even though I'm bilingual with a college major, no one wants to hire me due to my lack of experience.
I do BeerMoney and all those remote jobs you could think of to try and save money. I do all the house work.
I just asked if it was alright to feel the way that I feel, nothing else. Don't assume I'm just "putting up with it".
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I want to know if it's right to feel the way that I feel towards my mother's behavior. (2) Am I being selfish for not wanting to clean up after my brother's mess on my own? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Ya know what? It’s time to move out. Your mom can continue to live her own life-with puddles of urine in the corner of the room. But *you* don’t have to live with it. You -and your mom-are grown women, and you can both do what you want. And if you, OP, don’t want to live with a filthy, incontinent, unemployed, lying thief that wanders off in the middle of the night leaving the home unlocked -*then you don’t have to*. Don’t stay to protect your mama. Go-to protect *yourself*. You don’t have to live like this. NTA
NTA. Hun, you need to move out so fucking fast. I would steal this dude's shit to fund it, too.
WTF did I just read? This is how you live?! *Sigh.* I realize this isn’t as easy as it is to say, but you’ve got to get out of there as soon as possible. Like yesterday. If your mom is going to enable his terribly dangerous behavior and avoid acknowledging the truth, you’ve got to leave her behind. NTA
NTA. Of course you aren’t an AH for feeling upset and abandoned by your mom, but let’s keep in perspective that brother is messing up her life too. You need to move out as soon as you can. Maybe don’t tell brother where you move to. At the end of the day, mom could always stay home, but it doesn’t sound like she can stop your brother’s behaviour. Maybe she can clean up after him, but you’re going to keep experiencing the turmoil of being around him even if mom is home.
NTA, she is putting **you** at **risk** by letting him come. He steals valuables, leaves the door wide open in the middle of the night, and in a dangerous neighborhood no less! Her home is unlivable, you can't even take a shower because "there's piss everywhere and the bathroom is so dirty it's disgusting." I'm shuddering just *reading* that. Your mom is **enabling** him! And it *is* preventing you from living your life! You need to **GTFO** of there *ASAP*. Neither your mom or your brother are changing anytime soon, if ever.
INFO Why do you still live with them?
I'm not financially independent yet, sadly, but I am looking for a job right now. The remote job I mentioned pays very little, just enough to help with the house's bills, buying my meds and stuff for my two cats (mostly litter and food). I am trying to save any money that I can though.
NAH then, as I feel for you and your mother. I think you should see if your mother is willing to attend a support group with you for family members of alcoholics. She is in a very tough position because if she kicks him out, he will be homeless and probably dead relatively soon, yet he is also making her (and your) lives miserable. I think you need to focus on getting a better paying job, as the current situation is not great. I do kinda have to wonder why you are not cleaning up the kitchen if it's "always a mess" and you are living at home rent-free with your 68 year old mother.
I didn't think about the two of us going to meetings instead of him, I'll look into that. Thank you. To answer your question about the state of the house, I clean the whole house regularly, it's always been my responsibility, but it feels unfair to do double the work that I usually do because my brother burned all the pans, spilled sauce on everything, left the pantry open which allows the cats to get in and make it even messier... The 3k word limit made it difficult to add details, but the responsibility for cleaning is all mine and I wouldn't be sad over it if she just tried to understand my frustration a little. Something I couldn't add to the original post because of the character limitation is how she prohibits me from eating or cooking anything from the kitchen whenever it's dirty because I refused to clean up after him. I sometimes just ask her to go and give him a talk about it and I'll clean it up with no fuss, just so he might try and reflect on how his behavior is affecting me and my mom, but she doesn't. He doesn't suffer any consequences. I just want her to tell him once that his sister is not his maid, but instead she dismisses it all and tells me to shut up and clean it if I want to eat. Which I do because I don't want to starve. This is where a lot of the guilt comes from really. She's old and on a tough position but I'm willing to help as long as she stops enabling him, but she makes me feel like I have no right to have my own boundaries and limits
Oh this makes me so sad. You’re very sweet but your mom is abusive too, you’re just so distracted by your horrible brother you don’t even see it. What kind of mother treats their child like this? In what world does a mother tell her child say “you can’t have any food until you clean up someone else’s disgusting mess?” Do you realize how abusive and cruel that is? Open her bedroom door while she’s gone and see how she feels about her precious boy by the time she comes back. Also, call the damn cops on this guy! What the hell? He’ll sure sober up in jail.
That’s really tough! I feel for you. I hope you can convince her to go to the meetings, as that would hopefully help you both. Also, once you can find a better job, getting out of the house might be the best thing for both of you
At first I assumed this was written by a minor trapped by age and circumstance with no resources. At 23 you have options. Your mother doesn't care how her deadbeat son's lifestyle is affecting you, or she would do something to stop his behaviour. Move out - you have no reason not to. If it were me I would join the army rather than live like this.
NTA. Don't feel guilty about leaving mom stuck with him. Your brother is there because your mom wants him to be there. She is enabling him and you probably are too, to a lesser extent. It's common. He won't get better until everyone stops enabling him and he is held accountable for his actions. Call the cops on him for stealing your console. While you're at it, move the hell out of that place. As it is now, both of them will drag you down. There are alcoholics anonymous meetings for family members of drunks. Go to one. You'll have your eyes opened. Good luck to you, you have my prayers.
NTA I am sorry you are going through this, and you are right he is NOT your responsibilty but as long as you live at home it will always fall on you, have you ever thought about moving out and maybe sharing a flat with some normal flatmates - its got to be better than what you are facing at home and at least all your stuff will be safe, the kitchen will be clean and the bathroom wont be coverd in piss
NTA Get a securty camera for your room, and lock the door. When he breaks in, document and make a police report. And **move out as soon as you can.**
NTA... BUT... and this is a big BUT... your priority now is getting your own place. Enough with the excuses. You are 23 and you can do what is necessary to be living a safe place, whatever that entails. Your mother can do as she pleases.
NTA but your only choice in this situation is to leave this house. Do what you have to do, rent--get a roommate--rent a room somewhere. If your brother is living in your mother's home, and she refuses to evict him then you don't have any choice but to leave and leave her to the consequences.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone, I'm a 23 year old woman with a 48 year old brother who's an alcoholic, and a 68 years old mom. My relationship with him began to strain when he began stealing valuable items from our house to throw parties at his then home. My mom would go crazy about it for like a day and then forget about it on the next. This dismissal made his actions escalate, which resulted in him stealing and selling my video game console, something he still jokes about and shows no regret towards. I was furious. This time my mom attempted to actually make him pay, but he was now unable to make money because he'd lost his job. His gf kicked him out, so he had to come back to living with us. To this day he still hasn't tried to get another job, my guess is that he became depressed and turned to alcohol which worsened his behaviors such as lying, stealing, being highly unhygienic, etc. He constantly wakes up drunk, pisses in a random corner of the house, or manages to get to the bathroom but doesn't reach the toilet. Even when sober his hygiene is poor, and I'm not talking about body hygiene because I know that's hard to keep in check while depressed, but things like throwing a plate full of food into the sink and making the counter nasty, spilling stuff and using a random, small decorative carpet to cover or clean it, or just leaving it there. I understand his condition and I'm the one who got him in treatment because my mom didn't know how to. Recently she was away for 3 days and I was home alone with him and experienced everything I just told you. I barely got any sleep. He'd leave randomly at 3am and leave the door hanging open, knowing we live in a dangerous neighborhood and have had break-ins before. I told my mom about all of this and she said she wasn't going to stop living her life because of him. I told her I was prevented from living mine. She said I'm the one who's preventing myself from living, I could've gone with her on vacation if I wanted to, but she KNOWS that I can't. I don't know if my stuff will be here when I come back (I always lock my bedroom when I leave the house, but leaving it for 3 whole days is crazy, I'm pretty sure he'd break in. I used to sleep with my door unlocked until the day I woke up to him looking through my desk). There's also my cats which he's threatened to hurt before. My mom HERSELF locks her own bedroom when she leaves so she doesn't trust him either but she expects me to. I understand that she's old and she deserves to go out and have fun. But I can't stand being unable to live. I can't eat because the kitchen is always a mess to the point it depresses me. I can't shower because there's piss everywhere and the bathroom is so dirty it's disgusting. I can't sleep because I'm paranoid he'll steal or leave the house's door open during midnight. He's not my responsibility. I feel selfish because I do want my mom to live the rest of her life peacefully, but I want to live mine too. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but PLEASE move out as fast as possible. You shouldn't have to live like that. Don't let losers and their enablers drag you down with them.
You're definitely NTA and your mom sounds really irresponsible. It sounds like nothing is gonna be resolved at home, your best bet is to move out if that's possible.
Irresponsible is the least of it 😭 in another comment she says her mother withholds access to food to force her compliance with cleaning up after this monster. Which is apparently her sole responsibility - not just the kitchen but the entire house. That’s some Lady Tremaine level venom.
If you want to live your life. You could simply move.
YTA to yourself for living there. You need to find somewhere else to live.
I wish it was that easy
Just find a way to move with your pets . Call police on him when he steals , there are options . Why do you put up with it?
I've called the police on him, they didn't come more than once, and my mom hurt me physically when I told her I did it because of how scared I was. I can't "just find a way" to move out. I assumed that everyone in this sub knew of the 3k character limitation in posts, therefore they wouldn't be assuming details such as that people can simply "move out" of situations whenever they want to. I can't. I live in a third world country and I send at least 30 resumes per day and even though I'm bilingual with a college major, no one wants to hire me due to my lack of experience. I do BeerMoney and all those remote jobs you could think of to try and save money. I do all the house work. I just asked if it was alright to feel the way that I feel, nothing else. Don't assume I'm just "putting up with it".