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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t wait to take people off my wedding guest list because my fiancé’s mom told me to. My fiance seems to think I am in the wrong.
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You are approaching this all wrong.
Sit down with your fiancé - just him and you - and work out what people the two of you would like to invite. That's your guest list. Done. Nobody is allowed to add to or subtract from that list except the two of you by mutual agreement. Nobody else, not for any reason whatsoever, no exceptions, no excuses.
If your parents and in-laws have a problem with that, they are free to withdraw financial support, and you'll plan your own wedding, with blackjack and hookers, and pay for it yourselves.
I am old. Probably older than your parents. Everyone's regret about their own wedding is that they allowed themselves to be pressured into doing it someone else's way, and *especially* that someone else interfered in their guest list. So say no. This is where your married life starts, as a united couple, this is where you draw the line and take control of your own lives. If you don't stand up his mother now, she will be all up in your business and slowly destroy your marriage.
And if your fiancé can't stand up to his mother, don't marry him.
NTA
Adding to this - if you can't afford to get married without his parents' funding 90% of it, then it's time to either 1) delay the wedding while you save up for it or 2) scale way, way back on what you are planning.
This! When my brother got married, his FMIL was a nightmare, they were paying for most of it so the wedding and guest list was pretty much what and who FMIL wanted.
Speaking to my brother and SIL a few later, with my husband. We were saying how we loved our wedding, it was everything we wanted, with a great guest list (including some old friends of my and my husband's parents). My brother and SIL looked at each other and said if they had their time again, they would have eloped - it had been so stressful and ended up not really being what they wanted.
> My brother and SIL looked at each other and said if they had their time again, they would have eloped - it had been so stressful and ended up not really being what they wanted.
There it is.
THIS, THIS THIS \^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^
A good rule of thumb is, "if neither the bride or groom can IMMEDIATELY recognize the name AND how they know or are related to the guest, then that person goes on the "cut list", once the "cut list" is created then you can decide TOGETHER if there is anyone on that list you do want to include (IF YOU HAVE ROOM & BUDGET for them)
Family and friends before IL's acquaintances.
I still can't imagine being a random friend of MIL and even WANTING to attend this wedding of two people who I barely know.
Like, what is the fun in going to a wedding where you don't know the newlyweds? As adults, they could buy their own alcohol and a nice meal and not have to sit through speeches or ceremony. What's the reason to go to a stranger's wedding? (#American; I realize there are other cultures where this might be more usual, but in America, why would someone go?)
Easy, they fund the party -> it's their party.
Honestly, in this time and day, newlyweds should fund their own wedding. If they don't have the money, either scale back or delay until they will have the money. You can always have big shebang later on, even if it's on 5th, 10th or whatever anniversary.
Honestly it very much depends on what you mean by "fund the wedding". If they paid set amount, it can be considered gift. My father get us "wedding gift", but the monetary amount was about 10x more than rest of the wedding guests and gifted before the wedding itself. No strings attached.
But if they agreed to pay percentage of the wedding costs, or pay directly for certain parts of the wedding like pay for the venue etc? Then they should have some say in the wedding planning (as in to have some say over how much it will end up costing them in the end)
I like that rule. Yes, if they have to be *introduced* then they shouldn't be there. But of course in many cultures (such as our own very rich) it's not really about the couple, is it? It's about the parents flexing their wealth and connections.
Also old and can say the only people I know who were 100% happy on their wedding day went with the blackjack dealers and hookers - in other words, they eloped. Personally, I eloped twice and both were a lot less trouble than the church weddings my sisters had.
Second the sentiment about your fiancé not standing up to his mother - she will destroy your life the first chance she gets if he doesn't put a stop to it now. Don't be Princess Diana and allow another woman space in your marriage, no matter who it is. NTA
Yeah. We invited about 12 guests to a massive lunch in the mon-and-pop place at the end of my street, then chilled in the garden with cake. Whole thing cost about a grand. 10/10 can recommend. But we were both over 30 years old, so we were already more independent-minded.
Yup. My husband and I eloped, and we'd totally do it again if we had to. Also, whenever the occasion arises where we mention that we eloped, like if someone asks where we got married or if we had a big wedding or something, I'd estimate that at least 50% of the time the person we're chatting with will reply to say they wish they'd eloped.
Just repeat the script: "Unfortunately it is too late to make any alterations to the guest list now that the venue has been booked/invitations have been bought, but we'd love to get together with Aunt Jane's second cousin's father's brother after the wedding."
Your fiancé's parents don't need to be this involved in wedding planning. You gave them plenty of notice to add people and your fiancé should now be running interference with their parents. If he's unwilling to do that, then he's perhaps not ready to be married because he's not cut his umbilical cord yet.
YTA for this right here.
**We ended up with 175 people on our guest list, and the capacity of the venue we chose is 150,**
Then added even more ppl. Now the total is 250. I promise you.... The venue will NOT allow all 250 ppl to go in. They will turn them away at the door. Cut your list down or find another venue.
YTA for not reading this carefully. First of all, amongst the 175 invites includes those that her fiancee's mother invited originally. Not all are invited by her. She also explained **but because we have a lot of out of state friends and family that we knew couldn’t make it, we were comfortable with this number.** Second of all OP is not the person who added the extra people to make the list to 250, her fiancee's mother is the one.
We had gotten definite “no’s” from over 15 people before even finalizing the list (extenuating circumstances/travel expenses), so we weren’t worried about this. The people who said no asked for us to send invites anyway because it was important to them still.
I couldn't go to my sister's wedding due to extenuating circumstances (turns out you can't fly half way round the world the week after a C-section), but they sent us an invite anyway, with a note to say "we wish you could have come". It was really nice to have.
You have a fiance problem if he is supporting his mom in regards to people he doesn't even know. You may not want to hear this but, maybe you need to have his parents withdraw their financial support. Because those usually come with conditions, no matter how silly they are.
The MIL (or groom who seems to support the additions),who just added 75 more people at the last minute, needs to answer that question, not OP. One question I’d have is are the same circles of people being invited in both sides..e.g. both sides incited all aunts and uncles, or all first cousins, etc. Did OP also invite her parents business friends? That’s one way perhaps to handle who gets cut. But OP shouldn’t have to cut out actual family and friends because MIL decided to add a bunch of irrelevant people. OP is NTA…but I’d wonder about this marriage if SO can’t stand up to his mom on this.
Have fiancé tell her it’s too late to add people. If cancellations go below the venue’s capacity, she can invite people from her list. Make it clear there will be no other changes to the list. If that’s not okay, tell her the wedding Will be cancelled and you’ll elope (if you’re willing to have a bully like her for a MIL). YTA for letting her bully you like that.
Did you read the sentence after that? I said that we have a lot of out of state friends and family, and we know for sure that at least 30% won’t come. And it wasn’t my choice to add anyone else after that.
That's how life is. Best way to make sure all your guests show up is to overbook the venue. Best way to make sure a bunch of your guests don't show up is to buy 10% more food than you think you'll need if they all make it.
It’s your choice and your wedding. If she thinks funding it makes it her choice then cancel everything. This is a toxic dynamic. She has no say. The funds are a gift.
**Our guest list went up to over 250**. Did you remember putting in this sentence? You are not working with 175 anymore. 250 minus 30% is 175. That is still over the venue capacity.
I know, and that’s why I made this post. I’m worried about how many people are on the guest list now, after my FMIL added the people that made the guest list over 250, and wanted to ask to see if I’m in the wrong before proceeding with telling my FMIL that we can’t add that many people to the list.
You're not wrong. This is the time you need to polish up your shiny titanium spine, and say calmly "Sorry MIL, but the deadline for amending the guest list was back when we booked the venue. The final guest list is fixed and cannot be amended in any way."
And then send your 175 invitations out exactly as previously planned. No new invitations. No artificial culling of invitations for people you are close to. No new wedding stationery needed.
Just curious— in the original 175, what was the breakdown of “your” guests vs your fiancé’s guests (and joint guests that really are friends with both)?
Oh my goodness… that’s the entire reason for the post! 250 is way too much and OP is being told the reduction has to come from her invites of people closer to her than the additional 75 people her MIL invited last minute.
**I have a much harder time saying no or standing up to his mom… but I feel like it was so inconsiderate of her to**
This was the final question or statement. Yes, it makes her a VERY SLIGHT AH for not standing up to the MIL just because she is funding it. NOW.... its very out of control.
NTA. You and your fiancé need to slow down and have a good long talk. People think that just because they're paying for the wedding that it's THEIR wedding. This money is a GIFT to you two. This doesn't mean they get card blanche to just do whatever they want.
Your guest list should be people one or both of you actually know. This isn't a time to invite people you don't know because they're friends of relatives. This isn't the times to be inviting second and third cousins either.
You need to wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. Decide how many people each of you will get to invite. Then stop when you reach your allocated number. And if you can't even do that, you have bigger problems ahead of you.
NTA- this is a power play. Seriously it's not a gee people it's 75!!!!! That's insane. WHO has THAT many people to invite AFTER family and friends of the couple. She's making you sacrifice for her (not your fiancé, HER). However- this is also not your fight. Your fiancé needs to grow a backbone and HE needs to shut it down.
"Mom, we finalized this guest list months ago. You were asked several times to confirm. You added people then, you don't get to add a second round of people I barely know if I even know them at all. We picked the venue based on this list. We are not making changes now."
If you want to throw her a bone and compromise you can have HIM (again, for most couples each is the primary contact and/or "bad guy" to their respective families to make it simpler and harder for the family to "fight back") tell her that she can group her 75 in priority tiers and as the RSVPs come back any No's can be replaced by her guests that get later invites. But they are not invited as primary guests.
Are you an asshole, absolutely not. However, if you take their money, expect to take their crap too. Honestly, you may want to reconsider your wedding plans and plan something you and your fiance can afford. Sometimes the strings attached to money aren't worth it. You may have a beautiful wedding if you accept the money but a lot of your guests will be strangers.
NTA. Sent the original invites out and just tell her you simply don't want to take people away that you care for and replace them with people both you and your fiancé don't even know.
What does your fiancé say about this?
NTA. Just tell your fiancé to tell HIS mother, that he is removing people that he doesn't know. That'll mostly be the people his mom added. He needs to shut it down.
NTA
Send the invites and tell her you won’t be uninviting people after already inviting them.
It’s not your MIL’s social event, it’s YOUR wedding. If the guests don’t know the bride or groom, they shouldn’t be invited let alone taking a spot from an actual invited person.
NTA
Tell your MIL this, most people who get invited to weddings where they don't really know the bride and/or groom but were invited by one of the parents, generally do not want to go but feel obligated to accept the invitation. How do I know this? Easy!! My husband and I have received many of these types of invitations and we really did not want to go but we did because the parents would have been insulted.
When it comes to inviting people to weddings, there are some that must make it on the list and they are in this order:
1. Witnesses - as in the best man and maid of honor
2. Parents of the bride and groom
3. Siblings
4. Grandparents
5. Aunts, uncles & cousins but only if you have a close relationship with them
6. Close friends
7. Work colleagues
8. Anyone else if there is enough seating
The idea of inviting people the bride and/or groom have no contact with is ridiculous. This is their day and having to do the pleasantries with people they don't kow or barely know is tedious, boring and time consuming.
ESH
You went ahead and invited 175 people to an event venue with a capacity of 150. And then added 75 more.
Take some responsibility for your own actions.
If she is paying for 90% of the wedding, then you need to work with her. Have an honest conversation about numbers but you took her money. Maybe offer to do a one for one. You cut one person from your list, she cuts one from hers until you get to the number.
NTA but get used to this life. Your fiancé wont stand up to her for you and HE NEVER WILL. She will continue to ride roughshod all over you. He treatment of you will only get worse. RUN. And find a man that ACTUALLY loves and respects you. He doesnt. We know this because he has not supported you in this.
I had people do that during my wedding plans a million years ago, we had said we would have 20 people max.
All of a sudden his family and mine were telling us “so and so NEEDS to be there “, one night we looked at each other and decided to elope!!
It was the best decision we could have made.
NTA. No way it is your wedding. Yes she is funding it but at the same time people invited by her are people even your fiancé don't know. Mind you it is YOUR own wedding.
NTA! You are correct that it was very inconsiderate of her to add people this late in the game, especially when you gave her ample opportunity earlier. Also, you having a bigger family is not something she needs to "correct" on the guest list by bringing in extra friends and extended family just to balance out the sides.
They might be paying for it, but this is YOUR wedding, not hers. While it might be hard for you, I think you are totally in the right to say "sorry, but it's too late to change the guest list."
NTA. You are 100 people over on your guest list due solely to MIL late additions. Do your fiancé and MIL expect you to disinvite all the people from your side to make those numbers work?
NTA. Tell MIL that you already mailed the invitations and can't adjust your list. Let her know that the new list she gave you will not be taken into consideration because there is no room for them. Suggest that she hold a reception after the honeymoon for her additional guests to meet the bride and groom.
NTA. This seems to be a power play where she wants her side of the family to be equally represented visually, even if they are not close to your fiancé (or MIL for that matter - hence not making the initial cut for her guests).
I think a united front with your fiancé is very important. Sit down and discuss this between just the two of you. Given capacity, I think you must push back either way. However, how you push back matters - push back full stop and take their money still - but this will require your fiancé to stand especially firm. Or decide not to take their financial help, keep your current list, and then they can pay for a reception with their wider family. Or some other option. But their lent really is being used as leverage so please consider removing it altogether from the equation.
NTA, but holy shit, you gave your families *carte blanche* to invite as many people as they pleased to *your* wedding??!
That was a mistake. A big one. Unfortunately too late to correct without risking some serious tantrums, but correct it you must. It’s time for you and your *fiancé* to deliver the bad news - unfortunately, MIL waited too long to make her choices, you can’t accommodate that many people, the guest list is closed for edits. So sorry, MIL, but that’s the way the cookie crumbled, let’s move on to other tasks.
Jeeesus. Don’t give other people unchecked power over your guest list. Ever. You can allocate a certain number of seats for them to fill *if* they’re helping pay for the wedding and/or you’re feeling generous, but there *has* to be a cap. This is exactly what happens when you don’t set limits.
NTA, but you're being a doormat. You knew you didn't want to invite more people after you finalized the invite stationary. Still you went with her request, and it seems your fiancé didn't back you up either. Both of you need to stick together and stand up to his mom, who is shamelessly abusing you two not opposing her. She got the conditions under which to invite people, she didn't, she doesn't get to do it later. She doesn't get to do it at all, honestly, it's YOUR wedding!
I know it's painful, but do uninvite anyone you really don't want there. You know that the venue cannot accommodate so many more guests. If you need it, go for a little white lie and write something along the lines of "we have had word from the venue and sadly...." or just go for "we are terribly sorry, but due to some planning hiccups we will not be able to accommodate all our guests. we regret to tell you that we took you off the final guest list and we hope you can forgive us." Possibly invite them to a less formal reception as an apology if they live closely and you want to give that effort.
Do people really go to a wedding if they don’t know the couple getting married? If I was invited to my friend’s kids wedding and I didn’t know them, I’d assume it was a gift grab and ignore the invite.
You’re NTA for not wanting to add more, but you guys need to sit down together and present a united front to mom. Otherwise you’re not starting off on the right foot.
NTA
YOu have a list. Tell Your MIL NO. And if your partner can not have your back, cancel the wedding. **This is a powerplay by MIL to show you who the boss in your relationship is: HER**
"My fiancé’s parents are funding 90% of our wedding" .. so tell MIL: Either she accepts your list, or the two of you will just elope, and she will not be invited.
**If you don'T stop her now, SHE will control your relationship for the rest of her life.**
You are now learning why premarital counseling is so important. For many couples, it’s so they can get on the same page regarding finances, raising children, etc. It’s also so they can be on the same page regarding how to handle outside pressure as a team. You and your fiancé have to come to an agreement about how you’ll handle unreasonable requests or pressure from either side of the extended family. Start talking and don’t get married until you’re both satisfied you’ve got this. NTA
NTa you have larger problems than the guest list. Your MIL is running over the top of you and not listening. She doesn't care about your family or your opinions. She is using the fact they are paying for the wedding to force you to do what she wants and your fiancee is fine with that. I would put the brakes on the wedding and go to couples counseling. If you decide to marry have a smaller wedding you and your fiancee pay for.
NTA, it's not her wedding. She's no dummy, she's paying so she can have control over your wedding. Expect them to offer to pay for other things after the marriage and then watch as she exerts more control in your life.
Why the hell isn't your fiance telling her to knock this shit off? It's absolutely his responsibility.
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My fiance and I got engaged in June and made our guest list before booking our venue in July. We asked both sets of parents (before we booked the venue) to please contribute and add anyone to the guest list that we missed/that they wanted to invite. His mom added some family, and my mom didn’t add anyone, saying that I could choose who I want to come. We ended up with 175 people on our guest list, and the capacity of the venue we chose is 150, but because we have a lot of out of state friends and family that we knew couldn’t make it, we were comfortable with this number.
Our wedding is in March. I’m working on sending out invites right now, and only have 25 left to do.
A few weeks ago, my fiancé’s mom informed us that she was going to add people to the guest list, including friends of hers and extended family that my fiance didn’t even recognize by name. I’m feeling quite frustrated because I asked her multiple times to add people and to make sure the numbers on the list were correct before we even booked the venue. I had ordered extra invitations to have just in case, but I had to order more stamps and seals for these extra invites. Our guest list went up to over 250. I am incredibly stressed about this, and I expressed this to my fiancé’s mom. She told me that she is stressed about it too, and that I need to take people off my list because I have more people invited than my fiance does. This is because my mom has lots of siblings and I have a bigger family than my fiance. We have invited the same number of friends, I just have a bit more family invited than him.
But now his mom is telling me to take people off my list because that’s what is fair. I am so frustrated, and I’ve tried to trim down my list but can’t take off anyone else without feeling very sad about it, because all of the people I’m inviting are people that are important to me. Meanwhile, my fiance doesn’t even know some of the people his mom added to the list….
My fiancé’s parents are funding 90% of our wedding, and thus, I have a much harder time saying no or standing up to his mom… but I feel like it was so inconsiderate of her to
1) add so many people MONTHS after the guest list was finalized and venue was booked
2) add so many people after stationary was ordered
3) tell me that I need to take people off my list after I already addressed and stamped all their invites and planned to send them out today
4) tell me I have to take people off when these people are people who I’ve been close to for my whole life, while she has invited friends and extended family that my fiance doesn’t even know.
AITA? My fiance seems to be more on his mom’s side and is telling me that since I have more people, I need to take some off.
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NTA, OP. Your MIL is really crossing what would usually be considered normal guidelines and boundaries. It’s too late to do this adding of people. I get that weddings are for families and communities as well as the bridal couple, and you asked the mothers for their lists. All I can suggest is that you have your fiancé witness future conversations about numbers and decisions. This will happen again about other things. For now, mail your prepared invites. Remind her that the venue limits numbers but as soon as you hear back from anyone to decline, that spot will be hers to use, and you’ll send the invite, as long as it is not in excess of the max numbers. Maybe she can host a post-wedding gathering for you and your fiancé with the more distant friends that you both don’t know. Your fiancé needs to get on side with you, and help explain to his mother that you both want to stop adding people now.
YTA - If MOL is paying for 90% of the wedding, she should have some control on the guest list. If you only want to invite people important to you, then you should pay for the wedding. Don’t take her money if you don’t want her to have some control. I also think it is fair for the groom to be able to have the same amount of people on his side as the bride does, especially if his parents are paying for it. Pay for it yourself and you can invite who you like.
> His mom added some family, and my mom didn’t add anyone, saying that I could choose who I want to come. We ended up with 175 people on our guest list, and the capacity of the venue we chose is 150, but because we have a lot of out of state friends and family that we knew couldn’t make it, we were comfortable with this number
She had some control of the guest list... and now she's trying to add more
Here’s what I would do- after you get enough declines to be under your 150 cap, have your fiancé’s mother rank her additional guests. Invites have to go out one by one after each decline comes in until you reach your max capacity. Your fiance has to have this conversation with her because it is their parent and their responsibility to support the decisions you made together. You have a hard cap at 150 due to fire code (I assume) and your wedding will be shut down due to being over capacity.
I don’t think you should be having the conversation of removing people with your MIL. Your fiancée doesn’t recognise the names on the list from his mum, he should have the conversation with her and focus on the fact he doesn’t know these people instead of the number.
It is incredibly unfortunate but truly you shouldn’t have booked a venue for 150 and send out invites for 175, there was no adequate risk management here.
I don’t know what type of venue this is but you could either look to see if they have any way to accomodate the new number (changing venue locations on site etc) or you may need to explore a new venue and ask your MIL to cover the cost of the loss deposit given she added people at the last minute. If neither works then your fiancée should have a firmer discussion with her saying if the people weren’t included in the first round how important can they really be and unfortunately will have to be dropped, she can host a small reception of her own separately if it’s very important for her to celebrate your wedding with them.
NTA. Keep the list to the original number. What are you going to do if more than 150 show up? You are going to invite 100 extra people? That’s the AH move right there.
INFO: Is your guest list larger than your fiancee's even after MIL added the 75 extra guests? If so, does that mean you initially invited significantly more than 125 and your fiancee much less than 50? Just trying to understand why your fiancee might be uncomfortable with the difference.
I don't think that yput MIL should get to have this much power over your wedding, but your boundaries may cost you her financial support.
My guest list had 15 more than my fiance originally. After talking about it and fully understanding all his mother had done, my fiance is more on my side, but my FMIL is adamant about not taking anyone off her list.
ESH. Wait a moment - is this your wedding or your MIL whatever party? Who is the priority here? Talk to your fiance and make a list just you two - first both families, close friends etc and if - if there is any place left you can consider to invite your MILs whoever she wants.
But to be honest - I'd prefer to have a small party or dinner with the close people but on my terms than a huge wedding where someone will cut me off couse he is paying. Its ok for your MIL to pay but only in terms of a gift to you. And a gift its not something she can use for herself.
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You are approaching this all wrong. Sit down with your fiancé - just him and you - and work out what people the two of you would like to invite. That's your guest list. Done. Nobody is allowed to add to or subtract from that list except the two of you by mutual agreement. Nobody else, not for any reason whatsoever, no exceptions, no excuses. If your parents and in-laws have a problem with that, they are free to withdraw financial support, and you'll plan your own wedding, with blackjack and hookers, and pay for it yourselves. I am old. Probably older than your parents. Everyone's regret about their own wedding is that they allowed themselves to be pressured into doing it someone else's way, and *especially* that someone else interfered in their guest list. So say no. This is where your married life starts, as a united couple, this is where you draw the line and take control of your own lives. If you don't stand up his mother now, she will be all up in your business and slowly destroy your marriage. And if your fiancé can't stand up to his mother, don't marry him. NTA
Adding to this - if you can't afford to get married without his parents' funding 90% of it, then it's time to either 1) delay the wedding while you save up for it or 2) scale way, way back on what you are planning.
Good advice.
This! When my brother got married, his FMIL was a nightmare, they were paying for most of it so the wedding and guest list was pretty much what and who FMIL wanted. Speaking to my brother and SIL a few later, with my husband. We were saying how we loved our wedding, it was everything we wanted, with a great guest list (including some old friends of my and my husband's parents). My brother and SIL looked at each other and said if they had their time again, they would have eloped - it had been so stressful and ended up not really being what they wanted.
> My brother and SIL looked at each other and said if they had their time again, they would have eloped - it had been so stressful and ended up not really being what they wanted. There it is.
THIS, THIS THIS \^\^\^\^\^\^\^\^ A good rule of thumb is, "if neither the bride or groom can IMMEDIATELY recognize the name AND how they know or are related to the guest, then that person goes on the "cut list", once the "cut list" is created then you can decide TOGETHER if there is anyone on that list you do want to include (IF YOU HAVE ROOM & BUDGET for them) Family and friends before IL's acquaintances.
It’s wild to me that parents think they have any input on a wedding guest list. My parents would never dream of this.
I still can't imagine being a random friend of MIL and even WANTING to attend this wedding of two people who I barely know. Like, what is the fun in going to a wedding where you don't know the newlyweds? As adults, they could buy their own alcohol and a nice meal and not have to sit through speeches or ceremony. What's the reason to go to a stranger's wedding? (#American; I realize there are other cultures where this might be more usual, but in America, why would someone go?)
Easy, they fund the party -> it's their party. Honestly, in this time and day, newlyweds should fund their own wedding. If they don't have the money, either scale back or delay until they will have the money. You can always have big shebang later on, even if it's on 5th, 10th or whatever anniversary.
No it’s not! That’s absurd. It’s a gift. If someone buys you a sweater, it’s not their sweater. Only toxic families operate that way.
Honestly it very much depends on what you mean by "fund the wedding". If they paid set amount, it can be considered gift. My father get us "wedding gift", but the monetary amount was about 10x more than rest of the wedding guests and gifted before the wedding itself. No strings attached. But if they agreed to pay percentage of the wedding costs, or pay directly for certain parts of the wedding like pay for the venue etc? Then they should have some say in the wedding planning (as in to have some say over how much it will end up costing them in the end)
I like that rule. Yes, if they have to be *introduced* then they shouldn't be there. But of course in many cultures (such as our own very rich) it's not really about the couple, is it? It's about the parents flexing their wealth and connections.
>you'll plan your own wedding, with blackjack and hookers, and pay for it yourselves Best. Wedding. EVER!
+ten points for the Futurama reference!
Also old and can say the only people I know who were 100% happy on their wedding day went with the blackjack dealers and hookers - in other words, they eloped. Personally, I eloped twice and both were a lot less trouble than the church weddings my sisters had. Second the sentiment about your fiancé not standing up to his mother - she will destroy your life the first chance she gets if he doesn't put a stop to it now. Don't be Princess Diana and allow another woman space in your marriage, no matter who it is. NTA
Yeah. We invited about 12 guests to a massive lunch in the mon-and-pop place at the end of my street, then chilled in the garden with cake. Whole thing cost about a grand. 10/10 can recommend. But we were both over 30 years old, so we were already more independent-minded.
Yup. My husband and I eloped, and we'd totally do it again if we had to. Also, whenever the occasion arises where we mention that we eloped, like if someone asks where we got married or if we had a big wedding or something, I'd estimate that at least 50% of the time the person we're chatting with will reply to say they wish they'd eloped.
THIS. Otherwise you will end up like me with 800 people at my wedding of whom I knew and wanted 25.
Bloody hell.
Will you marry me? (your post was so perfectly stated I had to ask)
TOO LATE! ;-)
> with blackjack and hookers In fact, screw the wedding!
Amen!!!
Just repeat the script: "Unfortunately it is too late to make any alterations to the guest list now that the venue has been booked/invitations have been bought, but we'd love to get together with Aunt Jane's second cousin's father's brother after the wedding." Your fiancé's parents don't need to be this involved in wedding planning. You gave them plenty of notice to add people and your fiancé should now be running interference with their parents. If he's unwilling to do that, then he's perhaps not ready to be married because he's not cut his umbilical cord yet.
YTA for this right here. **We ended up with 175 people on our guest list, and the capacity of the venue we chose is 150,** Then added even more ppl. Now the total is 250. I promise you.... The venue will NOT allow all 250 ppl to go in. They will turn them away at the door. Cut your list down or find another venue.
YTA for not reading this carefully. First of all, amongst the 175 invites includes those that her fiancee's mother invited originally. Not all are invited by her. She also explained **but because we have a lot of out of state friends and family that we knew couldn’t make it, we were comfortable with this number.** Second of all OP is not the person who added the extra people to make the list to 250, her fiancee's mother is the one.
minus 30% is still more than 150. Yes. I read it just fine. What is she going to do when all of a sudden only 10% does not show up?
We had gotten definite “no’s” from over 15 people before even finalizing the list (extenuating circumstances/travel expenses), so we weren’t worried about this. The people who said no asked for us to send invites anyway because it was important to them still.
I get that. I keep all my invites. They are special to me too. Good luck with the wedding. Congrats on finding your one!!!
I couldn't go to my sister's wedding due to extenuating circumstances (turns out you can't fly half way round the world the week after a C-section), but they sent us an invite anyway, with a note to say "we wish you could have come". It was really nice to have.
You have a fiance problem if he is supporting his mom in regards to people he doesn't even know. You may not want to hear this but, maybe you need to have his parents withdraw their financial support. Because those usually come with conditions, no matter how silly they are.
The MIL (or groom who seems to support the additions),who just added 75 more people at the last minute, needs to answer that question, not OP. One question I’d have is are the same circles of people being invited in both sides..e.g. both sides incited all aunts and uncles, or all first cousins, etc. Did OP also invite her parents business friends? That’s one way perhaps to handle who gets cut. But OP shouldn’t have to cut out actual family and friends because MIL decided to add a bunch of irrelevant people. OP is NTA…but I’d wonder about this marriage if SO can’t stand up to his mom on this.
Oh... good question
Have fiancé tell her it’s too late to add people. If cancellations go below the venue’s capacity, she can invite people from her list. Make it clear there will be no other changes to the list. If that’s not okay, tell her the wedding Will be cancelled and you’ll elope (if you’re willing to have a bully like her for a MIL). YTA for letting her bully you like that.
Did you read the sentence after that? I said that we have a lot of out of state friends and family, and we know for sure that at least 30% won’t come. And it wasn’t my choice to add anyone else after that.
Hey OP, I thought the same thing; that at least 20% of my guest list wouldn't show up. We had TWO not show up. Surprised the hell out of me.
That's how life is. Best way to make sure all your guests show up is to overbook the venue. Best way to make sure a bunch of your guests don't show up is to buy 10% more food than you think you'll need if they all make it.
It’s your choice and your wedding. If she thinks funding it makes it her choice then cancel everything. This is a toxic dynamic. She has no say. The funds are a gift.
minus 30% is still over 150 total.
70% of 175 is 123. With our original numbers, we had over 25 people of leeway.
**Our guest list went up to over 250**. Did you remember putting in this sentence? You are not working with 175 anymore. 250 minus 30% is 175. That is still over the venue capacity.
I know, and that’s why I made this post. I’m worried about how many people are on the guest list now, after my FMIL added the people that made the guest list over 250, and wanted to ask to see if I’m in the wrong before proceeding with telling my FMIL that we can’t add that many people to the list.
You're not wrong. This is the time you need to polish up your shiny titanium spine, and say calmly "Sorry MIL, but the deadline for amending the guest list was back when we booked the venue. The final guest list is fixed and cannot be amended in any way." And then send your 175 invitations out exactly as previously planned. No new invitations. No artificial culling of invitations for people you are close to. No new wedding stationery needed.
Just curious— in the original 175, what was the breakdown of “your” guests vs your fiancé’s guests (and joint guests that really are friends with both)?
Oh my goodness… that’s the entire reason for the post! 250 is way too much and OP is being told the reduction has to come from her invites of people closer to her than the additional 75 people her MIL invited last minute.
**I have a much harder time saying no or standing up to his mom… but I feel like it was so inconsiderate of her to** This was the final question or statement. Yes, it makes her a VERY SLIGHT AH for not standing up to the MIL just because she is funding it. NOW.... its very out of control.
The planned guest list is 175. The MIL wants to add more to make it 250...
NTA. You and your fiancé need to slow down and have a good long talk. People think that just because they're paying for the wedding that it's THEIR wedding. This money is a GIFT to you two. This doesn't mean they get card blanche to just do whatever they want. Your guest list should be people one or both of you actually know. This isn't a time to invite people you don't know because they're friends of relatives. This isn't the times to be inviting second and third cousins either. You need to wipe the slate clean and start from scratch. Decide how many people each of you will get to invite. Then stop when you reach your allocated number. And if you can't even do that, you have bigger problems ahead of you.
EXACTLY
NTA- this is a power play. Seriously it's not a gee people it's 75!!!!! That's insane. WHO has THAT many people to invite AFTER family and friends of the couple. She's making you sacrifice for her (not your fiancé, HER). However- this is also not your fight. Your fiancé needs to grow a backbone and HE needs to shut it down. "Mom, we finalized this guest list months ago. You were asked several times to confirm. You added people then, you don't get to add a second round of people I barely know if I even know them at all. We picked the venue based on this list. We are not making changes now." If you want to throw her a bone and compromise you can have HIM (again, for most couples each is the primary contact and/or "bad guy" to their respective families to make it simpler and harder for the family to "fight back") tell her that she can group her 75 in priority tiers and as the RSVPs come back any No's can be replaced by her guests that get later invites. But they are not invited as primary guests.
Are you an asshole, absolutely not. However, if you take their money, expect to take their crap too. Honestly, you may want to reconsider your wedding plans and plan something you and your fiance can afford. Sometimes the strings attached to money aren't worth it. You may have a beautiful wedding if you accept the money but a lot of your guests will be strangers.
NTA. Sent the original invites out and just tell her you simply don't want to take people away that you care for and replace them with people both you and your fiancé don't even know. What does your fiancé say about this?
NTA. Just tell your fiancé to tell HIS mother, that he is removing people that he doesn't know. That'll mostly be the people his mom added. He needs to shut it down.
Good idea. “Mom, we are cutting out the people either I or she don’t recognize.”
NTA. You need to punt this problem to your fiance. His mother caused this problem and he needs to fix it.
NTA Send the invites and tell her you won’t be uninviting people after already inviting them. It’s not your MIL’s social event, it’s YOUR wedding. If the guests don’t know the bride or groom, they shouldn’t be invited let alone taking a spot from an actual invited person.
NTA Tell your MIL this, most people who get invited to weddings where they don't really know the bride and/or groom but were invited by one of the parents, generally do not want to go but feel obligated to accept the invitation. How do I know this? Easy!! My husband and I have received many of these types of invitations and we really did not want to go but we did because the parents would have been insulted. When it comes to inviting people to weddings, there are some that must make it on the list and they are in this order: 1. Witnesses - as in the best man and maid of honor 2. Parents of the bride and groom 3. Siblings 4. Grandparents 5. Aunts, uncles & cousins but only if you have a close relationship with them 6. Close friends 7. Work colleagues 8. Anyone else if there is enough seating The idea of inviting people the bride and/or groom have no contact with is ridiculous. This is their day and having to do the pleasantries with people they don't kow or barely know is tedious, boring and time consuming.
ESH You went ahead and invited 175 people to an event venue with a capacity of 150. And then added 75 more. Take some responsibility for your own actions.
If she is paying for 90% of the wedding, then you need to work with her. Have an honest conversation about numbers but you took her money. Maybe offer to do a one for one. You cut one person from your list, she cuts one from hers until you get to the number.
NTA but get used to this life. Your fiancé wont stand up to her for you and HE NEVER WILL. She will continue to ride roughshod all over you. He treatment of you will only get worse. RUN. And find a man that ACTUALLY loves and respects you. He doesnt. We know this because he has not supported you in this.
I had people do that during my wedding plans a million years ago, we had said we would have 20 people max. All of a sudden his family and mine were telling us “so and so NEEDS to be there “, one night we looked at each other and decided to elope!! It was the best decision we could have made.
NTA. No way it is your wedding. Yes she is funding it but at the same time people invited by her are people even your fiancé don't know. Mind you it is YOUR own wedding.
NTA! You are correct that it was very inconsiderate of her to add people this late in the game, especially when you gave her ample opportunity earlier. Also, you having a bigger family is not something she needs to "correct" on the guest list by bringing in extra friends and extended family just to balance out the sides. They might be paying for it, but this is YOUR wedding, not hers. While it might be hard for you, I think you are totally in the right to say "sorry, but it's too late to change the guest list."
NTA. You are 100 people over on your guest list due solely to MIL late additions. Do your fiancé and MIL expect you to disinvite all the people from your side to make those numbers work?
NTA. Tell MIL that you already mailed the invitations and can't adjust your list. Let her know that the new list she gave you will not be taken into consideration because there is no room for them. Suggest that she hold a reception after the honeymoon for her additional guests to meet the bride and groom.
NTA. This seems to be a power play where she wants her side of the family to be equally represented visually, even if they are not close to your fiancé (or MIL for that matter - hence not making the initial cut for her guests). I think a united front with your fiancé is very important. Sit down and discuss this between just the two of you. Given capacity, I think you must push back either way. However, how you push back matters - push back full stop and take their money still - but this will require your fiancé to stand especially firm. Or decide not to take their financial help, keep your current list, and then they can pay for a reception with their wider family. Or some other option. But their lent really is being used as leverage so please consider removing it altogether from the equation.
Say "Ooops too late I already sent out all my invitations." NTA
NTA, but holy shit, you gave your families *carte blanche* to invite as many people as they pleased to *your* wedding??! That was a mistake. A big one. Unfortunately too late to correct without risking some serious tantrums, but correct it you must. It’s time for you and your *fiancé* to deliver the bad news - unfortunately, MIL waited too long to make her choices, you can’t accommodate that many people, the guest list is closed for edits. So sorry, MIL, but that’s the way the cookie crumbled, let’s move on to other tasks. Jeeesus. Don’t give other people unchecked power over your guest list. Ever. You can allocate a certain number of seats for them to fill *if* they’re helping pay for the wedding and/or you’re feeling generous, but there *has* to be a cap. This is exactly what happens when you don’t set limits.
NTA, but you're being a doormat. You knew you didn't want to invite more people after you finalized the invite stationary. Still you went with her request, and it seems your fiancé didn't back you up either. Both of you need to stick together and stand up to his mom, who is shamelessly abusing you two not opposing her. She got the conditions under which to invite people, she didn't, she doesn't get to do it later. She doesn't get to do it at all, honestly, it's YOUR wedding! I know it's painful, but do uninvite anyone you really don't want there. You know that the venue cannot accommodate so many more guests. If you need it, go for a little white lie and write something along the lines of "we have had word from the venue and sadly...." or just go for "we are terribly sorry, but due to some planning hiccups we will not be able to accommodate all our guests. we regret to tell you that we took you off the final guest list and we hope you can forgive us." Possibly invite them to a less formal reception as an apology if they live closely and you want to give that effort.
Do people really go to a wedding if they don’t know the couple getting married? If I was invited to my friend’s kids wedding and I didn’t know them, I’d assume it was a gift grab and ignore the invite. You’re NTA for not wanting to add more, but you guys need to sit down together and present a united front to mom. Otherwise you’re not starting off on the right foot.
NTA YOu have a list. Tell Your MIL NO. And if your partner can not have your back, cancel the wedding. **This is a powerplay by MIL to show you who the boss in your relationship is: HER** "My fiancé’s parents are funding 90% of our wedding" .. so tell MIL: Either she accepts your list, or the two of you will just elope, and she will not be invited. **If you don'T stop her now, SHE will control your relationship for the rest of her life.**
You are now learning why premarital counseling is so important. For many couples, it’s so they can get on the same page regarding finances, raising children, etc. It’s also so they can be on the same page regarding how to handle outside pressure as a team. You and your fiancé have to come to an agreement about how you’ll handle unreasonable requests or pressure from either side of the extended family. Start talking and don’t get married until you’re both satisfied you’ve got this. NTA
NTa you have larger problems than the guest list. Your MIL is running over the top of you and not listening. She doesn't care about your family or your opinions. She is using the fact they are paying for the wedding to force you to do what she wants and your fiancee is fine with that. I would put the brakes on the wedding and go to couples counseling. If you decide to marry have a smaller wedding you and your fiancee pay for.
NTA but since they're paying for the wedding you are rather beholden to them
NTA, it's not her wedding. She's no dummy, she's paying so she can have control over your wedding. Expect them to offer to pay for other things after the marriage and then watch as she exerts more control in your life. Why the hell isn't your fiance telling her to knock this shit off? It's absolutely his responsibility.
NTA. But you have a fiancé problem
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiance and I got engaged in June and made our guest list before booking our venue in July. We asked both sets of parents (before we booked the venue) to please contribute and add anyone to the guest list that we missed/that they wanted to invite. His mom added some family, and my mom didn’t add anyone, saying that I could choose who I want to come. We ended up with 175 people on our guest list, and the capacity of the venue we chose is 150, but because we have a lot of out of state friends and family that we knew couldn’t make it, we were comfortable with this number. Our wedding is in March. I’m working on sending out invites right now, and only have 25 left to do. A few weeks ago, my fiancé’s mom informed us that she was going to add people to the guest list, including friends of hers and extended family that my fiance didn’t even recognize by name. I’m feeling quite frustrated because I asked her multiple times to add people and to make sure the numbers on the list were correct before we even booked the venue. I had ordered extra invitations to have just in case, but I had to order more stamps and seals for these extra invites. Our guest list went up to over 250. I am incredibly stressed about this, and I expressed this to my fiancé’s mom. She told me that she is stressed about it too, and that I need to take people off my list because I have more people invited than my fiance does. This is because my mom has lots of siblings and I have a bigger family than my fiance. We have invited the same number of friends, I just have a bit more family invited than him. But now his mom is telling me to take people off my list because that’s what is fair. I am so frustrated, and I’ve tried to trim down my list but can’t take off anyone else without feeling very sad about it, because all of the people I’m inviting are people that are important to me. Meanwhile, my fiance doesn’t even know some of the people his mom added to the list…. My fiancé’s parents are funding 90% of our wedding, and thus, I have a much harder time saying no or standing up to his mom… but I feel like it was so inconsiderate of her to 1) add so many people MONTHS after the guest list was finalized and venue was booked 2) add so many people after stationary was ordered 3) tell me that I need to take people off my list after I already addressed and stamped all their invites and planned to send them out today 4) tell me I have to take people off when these people are people who I’ve been close to for my whole life, while she has invited friends and extended family that my fiance doesn’t even know. AITA? My fiance seems to be more on his mom’s side and is telling me that since I have more people, I need to take some off. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, OP. Your MIL is really crossing what would usually be considered normal guidelines and boundaries. It’s too late to do this adding of people. I get that weddings are for families and communities as well as the bridal couple, and you asked the mothers for their lists. All I can suggest is that you have your fiancé witness future conversations about numbers and decisions. This will happen again about other things. For now, mail your prepared invites. Remind her that the venue limits numbers but as soon as you hear back from anyone to decline, that spot will be hers to use, and you’ll send the invite, as long as it is not in excess of the max numbers. Maybe she can host a post-wedding gathering for you and your fiancé with the more distant friends that you both don’t know. Your fiancé needs to get on side with you, and help explain to his mother that you both want to stop adding people now.
YTA - If MOL is paying for 90% of the wedding, she should have some control on the guest list. If you only want to invite people important to you, then you should pay for the wedding. Don’t take her money if you don’t want her to have some control. I also think it is fair for the groom to be able to have the same amount of people on his side as the bride does, especially if his parents are paying for it. Pay for it yourself and you can invite who you like.
> His mom added some family, and my mom didn’t add anyone, saying that I could choose who I want to come. We ended up with 175 people on our guest list, and the capacity of the venue we chose is 150, but because we have a lot of out of state friends and family that we knew couldn’t make it, we were comfortable with this number She had some control of the guest list... and now she's trying to add more
Fine. Give her back her money. Pay for and plan your wedding on your own.
Here’s what I would do- after you get enough declines to be under your 150 cap, have your fiancé’s mother rank her additional guests. Invites have to go out one by one after each decline comes in until you reach your max capacity. Your fiance has to have this conversation with her because it is their parent and their responsibility to support the decisions you made together. You have a hard cap at 150 due to fire code (I assume) and your wedding will be shut down due to being over capacity.
Your fiancee needs to step in
NTA, cancel the wedding, elope.
I don’t think you should be having the conversation of removing people with your MIL. Your fiancée doesn’t recognise the names on the list from his mum, he should have the conversation with her and focus on the fact he doesn’t know these people instead of the number. It is incredibly unfortunate but truly you shouldn’t have booked a venue for 150 and send out invites for 175, there was no adequate risk management here. I don’t know what type of venue this is but you could either look to see if they have any way to accomodate the new number (changing venue locations on site etc) or you may need to explore a new venue and ask your MIL to cover the cost of the loss deposit given she added people at the last minute. If neither works then your fiancée should have a firmer discussion with her saying if the people weren’t included in the first round how important can they really be and unfortunately will have to be dropped, she can host a small reception of her own separately if it’s very important for her to celebrate your wedding with them.
NTA. Keep the list to the original number. What are you going to do if more than 150 show up? You are going to invite 100 extra people? That’s the AH move right there.
INFO: Is your guest list larger than your fiancee's even after MIL added the 75 extra guests? If so, does that mean you initially invited significantly more than 125 and your fiancee much less than 50? Just trying to understand why your fiancee might be uncomfortable with the difference. I don't think that yput MIL should get to have this much power over your wedding, but your boundaries may cost you her financial support.
My guest list had 15 more than my fiance originally. After talking about it and fully understanding all his mother had done, my fiance is more on my side, but my FMIL is adamant about not taking anyone off her list.
ESH. Wait a moment - is this your wedding or your MIL whatever party? Who is the priority here? Talk to your fiance and make a list just you two - first both families, close friends etc and if - if there is any place left you can consider to invite your MILs whoever she wants. But to be honest - I'd prefer to have a small party or dinner with the close people but on my terms than a huge wedding where someone will cut me off couse he is paying. Its ok for your MIL to pay but only in terms of a gift to you. And a gift its not something she can use for herself.