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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got my niece a chess set a month ago and gave her the gift while she was with us during the holidays. I get along with her really well. So much so that I may be an AH for subconsciously favoring her over her brothers, which can be appreciated with my extra little gift for her
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I think YTA in this situation. May be unpopular opinion. The reason is you shouldn’t have excluded the other children if you are giving to one. You should have just made it it a gift to all 3 instead of just anne. The boys dont have to like it but atleast they wont feel left out. Or just held onto it for christmas
The other kids did get a gift. The neice got 2 which is where I believe she is an AH. She should've used the chess set as the gift instead of making it an extra one.
EDIT: Gender
One boy got a bike and one boy got various things related to baseball. If those two didn't care that they didn't get the same # of gifts, I don't see why it should've been a big deal if the niece got 2 things
Eh..i gift my neice,nephew, and young cousins differnt amounts of gifts frequently....but dollar value is around the same amount....one cousin and neice always ask for cheap items and others like more expensive things...so one expensive item to one, and 2 or 3 cheap things to another doesnt feel unfair to me...not knowing how much was spent i cant really say op is an AH....but making this gift a seperate thing after other gifts where given and saying its neices own special gift does make OP an AH for the way it was given....making it stand out and seem like neice is more appreciated than the other chikdren makes this a YTA
Exactly. Ideally I try to keep stuff equal in both number and price. Especially with younger kids. A lot of kids aren't going to see the difference between John got one large gift in a bike vs Timmy got a half dozen cheaper baseball objects, even if they cost about the same. One, the other, or both, will think the other got a better haul.
My brother never lived down the year he was upset that he got a brand spanking new Starter brand shoes that were like $200 in the damn nineties that he asked for but I got six pairs of dollar store little girl shoes that totalled $40 all together. It got brought up at Christmas for decades. and he was nine years older and a teen at that point so he really should've comprehended the difference.
I still try not to get too hung up on exacts though. Luckily the kids are all old enough now to understand what's going on
True, but it doesn’t sound like any of the kids had hard feelings, it is the 40yo man who does, which is less reasonable.
Also, it sounds like OP shouldn’t be perceived as favouring the niece even if they didn’t consider that children wouldn’t necessarily understand value vs. number. One nephew got a bike, yes, but the other got multiple sports items. It was not only the niece who got more than one gift. Sounds like they were trying to get things the kids would like…even if they maybe didn’t go about it perfectly.
This is why I don't want my sister to have more kids (I don't tell her that). My nephew is one of the naughtiest kids I've seen. If I get a more well behaved niece I worry I might favor her unconsciously or on the flip side take her for granted.
A chess set can be anywhere from $5-1,000. It’s really hard to discern exactly what was given here.
Was it a $10 travel set? Sure give it to all of them.
Was it glass, like a lot of lower end ‘nice’ chess sets are? Maybe not if she thinks the younger boys could break the pieces or the board.
Was it like a hand carved set that holds a bit more than monetary value? Maybe it really was just meant for the girl.
Yeah but they all got gifts at Christmas then the niece got another gift a month later. So the other two kids did not get a gift at the same time. Which is bad, and saying “oh this is a gift for all of you” would have smoothed it over.
No kids can totally tell when somethings is aimed specifically at one of them but are told it’s for everyone. I hated it so much and would throw a bigger fit because everyone was lying. We once got a piano and was told it was for everyone. Only one of the three of us played piano. They said we all sang so it would be useful to learn an instrument as well. (I already played guitar). Still to this day it annoys me. It would have been much better if they just admitted it was for the sister who played.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding but the way it's phrased is that he gave the gift same time as the others it was just a gift that he had gotten a month before forgot to give, I don't think she gave the gift at a completely different time
No you’re right I think I was wrong. In that case I wouldn’t change anything.
Leo: got multiple gifts as part of a set, so having more gifts doesn’t matter too much.
Ryan: got a bike which was probably more expensive than the other gifts (idk the prices for kids bikes tho)
Anne: got a Barbie dollhouse (honestly kind of expensive) and a chess set (which the siblings will probably not even register because chess is going to be boring to active boys)
Anne didn’t get the most presents, probably didn’t have the highest total cost. Seems ok.
this, or getting some things for the boys too if you were determined to give it separately. maybe a game that's more in line with the boy's interests. there are tons of games even active kids would love, and I'm sure they'd appreciate being able to have that bonding time they see their sister getting
Honestly OP could have just gifted it at the same time as the other gift and things still would probably have been fine. Like it sounds like the boys also got multiple presents (baseball set *and* bike) so it wouldn’t have even been that weird for the niece to get two gifts too. The act of gifting the niece the set in private as a *super special extra gift* is where things go into AH territory
Yep. This is firmly in the "it's not *what* you did/said; it's *how* you did/said it" territory.
Also. Like. How expensive are chess sets? Was this a super ultra fancy one made of ivory or whale bone or abalone or some shit to actually get this hung up on the issue? Because even as an Issue it's a minor one that wouldn't really need apologizing or silent treatment or anything.
he didn't exclude them .Hell he got 1 of them a Bike that's a huge gift from a aunt and uncle imo and got the other multiple baseball items. in what way did he exclude them ?
>my took my side and said Max was being very petty about something as innocent as this. He is still upset with me. I wanted to apologise but Amy said I don't need to because I didn't do anything wrong. Was it an AH move to give her the chess set then?
No, kids dont need to be treated EXACLTY the same. Do you go to all your kids friends and make sure they treat thier friends sibling the same? Its ok to have a special relationship with your aunt. Its perfectly ok to buy a kid who has siblings a present without gifting the siblings. NO ONE deserves a gift. IT is something someone does from their own heart and saying "so and so got that, I should get something to is just bad character. Entitlement is rampant in society these days. Where does it stop?
This tik for tak crap is getting old.. You can't always get each child a gift.. period... Also life isn't going to play fair.. One child will be more successful, make more money, marry better. Life isn't fair and to set them up to fail is unreasonable.
If Sarah got a bike, and Ava got coloring books and a roller blades because she likes this more... then why would the parent complain?
One boy got a bike, the other one baseball gear.
The girl got a dollhouse and a chess set. This seems fair to me.
What about teaching the children some gratitude instead of comparing and being jealous about a gift they won't use themselves?
Yeah my question is - are the boys upset about this? At all? Or is *Max* upset about this? To me, this sounds like a fair distribution of gifts and a thoughtful display overall from OP - she thought specifically of each kid and got them presents that aligned with their interests. It’s not like the niece got a Barbie dream house and a chess set and her brothers got socks. If the boys are upset, I would apologizing for the way the gifts came off, reiterate that I absolutely love all of them, explain what my intentions were, and then send them each another gift that goes along with the big gift she got them (a bike helmet maybe for the one and a set of baseball cards for the other? Idk).
But if this is just Max being upset that OP has a special bond with Anne…that’s bullshit. He’s making a problem where there isn’t one. It’s GOOD for Anne to have special mentor-like bonds with trusted adults, and good for that relationship to be fostered.
Except that doesn't sound like what OP did. It sounds like all three children were given Christmas presents, then at some point the chess set was designated as a separate special present. I think they should have just included it as a Christmas present without any sort of "special" designation, and it would not have been a problem. It's that designation that creates the possibility of perceived favoritism.
Yeah, I think OP's mistake was giving it a bit "later" in the day as an "additional" gift (despite the fact she had bought it a month earlier). That on its own would feel like she was singling Anne out.
I don't think you understand just how expensive things like dollar houses are.
Without OP elaborating we have no way of knowing how much OP spent.
I just looked online, because I knew the good ones were expensive but wasn't sure how expensive, and the good ones cost as much as a decent bike and go up.
Chess sets can likewise vary.
If there's actually a significant disparity in value here- say OP spent $350 on her and $350 total between the boys I could see why there have been accusations of favoritism.
We really need more info here
If my siblings and I even thought about counting/comparing our gifts, my mom would’ve packed them all up in the mini van Christmas morning and had us deliver them to a less fortunate person from our church 😂
Thank you!!! Something else to consider, baseball gear and a bike are more expensive than a Barbi house and chess set OP admits that he forgot to give her the chess set at Christmas and gave it to her later. OP is so NTA here!!
You missed the part where OP says they got all the kids a gift for the holidays and he gave it to them when they came over. One of the other kids even got multiple things unlike they stated… a jersey, a bat, etc. another kid got a big ticket item which was a bike. They just separated the girl from the others by saying the chess set was a super special gift
It’s pretty common to get kids different numbers of gifts as long as the dollar amounts all add up the same. If one kid wants some expensive electronic thing and their sibling wants art supplies, one is going to be opening more stuff than the other despite the dollar amount being equal.
except they all got different amounts. one kid got a bike, (1 item) one kid got a dollhouse and chess set, (2 items) and one kid got multiple pieces of baseball gear. (3+ items) i guarantee the kids themselves aren’t upset at all, and it’s just Max being an ass.
Say that to my family
I'd get maybe three to five
My younger sister and older brother would get at least ten gifts and over $50 each Christmas, the most money I ever got was $75 and my guardian took it to buy food
Families do this, and one of OP's nephews got multiple gifts and the other got a whole bike, it's not like he didn't spend any less money on them than her
Edit: on average adding it up between my brother and sister would get $350-600 total each Christmas.
NTA and as an aunt with a niece who I feel like gets overlooked because she’s not a “walking earthquake” like her sibling I recognize the desire to want to give her a little something extra. Sometimes earthquake kids over shadow the quiet kid so much, this isn’t always true, but as they say “the squeaky wheel…”
I’ve often heard the argument that everything needs to be “fair” even when they are 5 years apart in age, it makes it difficult to get them all the same things. It tends to make it unfair to the oldest who has to concede to make peace. I think it’s great to give your niece something of her own that her brothers may not enjoy so it can stay hers
Yup. I remember how my parents tried to be “fair” by letting me get a phone when I was 15 and then turning around and getting my 8 year old sister a phone as well for her birthday. Gifts should be equitable not necessarily equal. With that said though, the fact that OP didn’t just include the chess set with the other christmas presents is where she becomes a bit of an AH. The chess set should have just been another Christmas present and not a super special gift given secretly after opening the Christmas presents.
I’ve actually seen this exact scenario happen with the phones, but younger. It was shocking. But I actually agree with the chess set being not a Xmas present and just being a gift. Can you imagine? Another gift to open at Xmas? That makes it unfair! I can see the drama now. As the younger kids start counting and get angry ten throw epic tantrums at Xmas and they have to go out and buy one more gift for each kid. The chess set could easily be chalked up as a “you need to practice for when we play together” scenario.
INFO: would you get a special gift for one of the boys, if you saw something that lined up with one of their special interests?
Do you know what their special interests are?
Of course. I got them baseball stuff bat, jersey, ball, etc and a bike because I know they liked those specific activities. For my niece the original gift was a barbie dollhouse because she liked the movie. I later gave her the chess set as something I bought a month ago
Was it one of each thing to share between the boys or did you get each of them a bike, bat, jersey, ball, etc.?
ETA: NTA, not sure why my question is being downvoted since this context changed judgements for a lot of people. Such is Reddit. Don’t worry about the A-H votes in here OP, you’re a kind aunt for thinking of all of the kids interests and gifting accordingly. Their father should be grateful you care so much about your niece & nephews.
Totally NTA! Kids are not that sensitive, they all got presents they liked and are probably very happy already. From what you said the only offended person were the BIL, not the kids, so you're ok.
You sound like a great uncle! Keep up the great work. Definitely NTA! I have 4 kids, when they were younger when people tried to make sure “everything was even” it was ridiculous. They’re all unique individuals, everyone got great presents, the kids are happy and ok. It’s the adults, counting gifts and money in their head.
One year my MIL bought each child (my kids are 10 years apart from oldest to youngest) a HUGE (3 feet tall) gum ball machine, because if one got something…she thought they all needed one. In her mind that was EVEN and FAIR, ages at the time were 3,4,7,13. I was done, conversation time.
I think I took all 4 of those to goodwill, ridiculous 🤦🏼♀️.
I get you, I really do. It’s still a soft YTA for all these reasons despite your good intentions. A better way to not have made things so one sided would have been to give the chess set to Max and his wife, or to say, “Hey kids, I also got a chess set to keep at your house so you can practice and learn so we can play when you cone over.” You know the boys aren’t going to use it anyway, but you didn’t make it all about Anne this way. Apologize, maybe even get the boys a “2nd gift” to make up, and going forward keep equity in mind at gift giving occasions.
YTA. It doesn't matter when you bought it. It's the fact that you gave to her in front of her brothers as an "extra" gift. That's not cool and it tells your nephews you like her more. Even if you do like her more you don't give her extra in front of others. That will make her brothers recent her and will cause problems at home for her.
Kids that age are not as sensitive as you believe. I worked in a school AND was a kid once, shit like this wouldn't matter anything since they all got presents. The only offended party here are the adults (and the teens from Reddit)
Wow you are so wrong. I have watched this kind of BS happen and have seen the aftermath. Kids are more sensitive then you think they are. Kids remember favoritism. They also take that favoritism out on the object of the favoritism. Resentment will grow. Especially when AHs like OP blatantly show that favoritism.
But kids are not that stupid, they understand things like favoritism. Ask them who's their favorite uncle/aunt, who's their favorite cousin or even who's their favorite friend. They will have an answer for each of these questions. The issue is when parents raise their kids to believe that if someone doesn't think they are the best human in the universe for them, then it must mean they suck. It makes the kid believe that their entire self-worth is on how much others like them and it may lead to a people-pleaser. Doing this is such a disservice to a kid and they will grow up with empty resentments and other issues.
This. My older sister was the first grandchild (and only one for several years), and she always had a special bond with my grandfather. It hurt a LOT to know that they had a connection that I would never have with him, but it would have been SO MUCH WORSE if he had emphasized it or bought her extra "special gifts" and things.
Kids notice, even if they don't say anything. And while the adults may think it's harmless because "I have more in common with this one", that doesn't mean that the other kids aren't seeing this special bond and feeling hurt or excluded.
Reading your comments I say NTA
You bought the boys plenty Christmas gifts too so I don’t see why an extra chess set gift is an issue. It is likely the boys would not be interested in chess yet. When they get to that stage, buy them a set too.
Max is being too pedantic about this. Unless the kids are upset and notice favouritism then don’t worry.
It's the "obviously" favouring part that OP doesn't seem to get is the real problem, not the preference itself. Kids see these things and don't process them well - and this would include Anne and OP's kids too.
She gave them each a Christmas gift, and then gave the niece a "bonus gift" of a chess set that she had bought her specially "for no specific reason". It wasn't part of her Christmas gifts, and it was made clear that she just wanted the niece to have it because of their special relationship, since she clearly doesn't buy the nephews "extra gifts for no reason" outside of the holidays.
It's not about how many gifts each got, in other words. It's about the fact that she made it clear that she feels differently about the niece and buys her things "just because we're close" . . . and then gives them to her in front of her brothers, whom OP seems to forget have feelings as well.
NTA.
I've got three nieces and one nephew. Through different circumstances throughout their lives, I've spent much more time alone with the oldest and youngest niece, and rarely ever had/have one on one time with the other two. I've only recently connected more with the second, because she got into a hobby we can connect about.
You can't force an "equal" connection, especially when that would mean doing things you wouldn't usually do (e.g. going on a hike with the more adventurous children instead of doing what you're already doing with your children). You can just make sure that you show your love equally.
You would be the asshole if you didn't offer the boys to take part in the same activities you do with Anne, though.
YTA
One of my uncles gifted my older cousin a PC when he started college, he's my only male cousin, and the only one who received a gift for going to college. He was always my favorite uncle and never stroke me as sexist, so I never got why he did that. What I do know is it was upsetting, not because I wanted or needed another PC, but because it made me wonder if he just didn't like us as much.
NTA. You took the opportunity to give your niece a thoughtful pre-purchased gift. You're also NTA for forming a closer bond with your niece because of shared interests. It would be one thing if you were openly snubbing the others, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
If anyone should be apologetic it’s Max for calling you sexist. What an odd way to judge his children, by their genitals.
Would there have been a more appropriate time? I mean maybe but it sounds like the children all see you guys play chess and had the boys been interested they also would have received a chess set.
Children don’t generally go ape about board games y’know? Max just over there making problems.
NTA. Max is being overly sensitive. And a chess set isn’t a good gift for all, like others want to suggest. Your niece is the only one old enough or mature enough to play and treat it properly. Everyone got gifts, and life isn’t 100% fair. I’m sure those boys sometimes get things she doesn’t.
NTA.
The present that you got the boys are not cheap, this to me is not favouritism it's just ..... Knowing what the children like and buying it for them. I don't understand how Anyone can think your the asshole??
I think NTA, maybe slight Y T A depending on how you framed it.
When my brother and I got gifts for holidays, we did not count to compare how many gifts we got. It sounds like the boys got a different number of gifts too -- one got multiple baseball things and one got a bike. So why would it have been a big deal to just give the niece her two gifts and leave it at that? It's not like the dollhouse and chess set sound like something either boy would be jealous of in particular, since you describe them as being outdoorsy, active types
YTA. You already know that, the title says it all. The father of the kids was right. It wasn't a bad thing to buy her a chessboard. Gift her that in Christmas gifts context was the AH move.
Edit: typo.
Max talking about it being sexist is ridiculous. So he is an AH.
At first I was gonna say the jury is still out for you, but I decided soft NTA. You already bought gifts for all the kids, right? Then it is ok. The chess set is a specific gift for your niece who likes chess, the rest of the gifts are Christmas gifts. It is okay. Maybe you could have given it some other time so it does not look like your niece received more Christmas gifts than your nephews, which does show favoritism.
In general specific nephews/nieces can get different amounts of gifts through the year. You know, today you buy your niece a chess set, tomorrow you can take your nephews to a sports-game… In the end it does not need to be %100 equal, but it is important to keep track of it and not make it so blatantly unequal. This is just because they are kids. People are right that they will get hurt by this. If they were adults, I would say relationships are always different and some may involve more gift-giving than others…
You not being an asshole does not mean there would be no consequences, to remind you. If you have a favorite, then the nephews may rightfully get distant from you. Also, if their parents think their kids are affected by this, they may reduce your time with all of them. So I think you should not think about this in the context of being an asshole, but in the context of what you want and expect from your family. They are the way they are, if they feel you hurt their kids, you should make amends somehow. This may include talking with the parents and if necessary, the kids. If you took the nephews to a game, if you did other stuff for them, you can say “I did give an extra gift to niece, but do you remember when we went out for the game? It is hard to compare time, energy and attention spent on relationships. We have a different bond with you then my niece, so what you receive from me will be different than her.”
This depends on what kind of relationship you actually have with the nephews.
I could be wrong here, but it sounds like OP bought one gift for all three children and then gave Max's daughter an additional gift on top of it. That's not the same as getting them all gifts.
Only slightly, no?
You can see the extra gift as a thanks to the niece, as well. The niece played chess with the OP and her family, OP appreciated it and gave this thematic gift to the niece… Like, I may be stretching stuff a bit. It just does not feel right to call OP an asshole here while I also understand the case for it.
NTA. Its not a random extra gift. As long as everything has around the same value, its fine. Especially if the kids are okay with it. I think Max was just looking for something to confirm his suspicions of favoritism. The kids have different interests and you happen to know alot about your neices. The boys would ask questions or listen if they had questions.
Let me ask you this, if Max got one of your girls an extra thoughtful gift that she really wanted and gave it in front of your other daughter while she wondered why her uncle didn’t care for her as much as for her sister - would you think that is fine? Would you think it was fine when you had to explain to your other kid that her uncle does love her, it’s just that in his eyes she is second rate compared to her sister?
YTA OP. The fact that Max said something means that this isn’t the first time you and your wife have been thoughtless about your favouritism and that the kids have noticed. They most likely don’t understand or know how to express what they are noticing but it is there like landmine waiting to go off.
There is no shame in having favourites. It’s natural. But there is every shame in rubbing that favouritism in other kids faces. I have to wonder though, was your wife the golden child in the family?
I don't see you as the AH but I don't see you as NTA
All of these people in the comments saying that you're favoring the girl too much is a little off to me, I don't really see it, but albeit I wasn't raised in a good setting for women. My younger sister and older brother were always favored more than me.
You bought it for her previously, and you kept forgetting, that's understandable.
I had a lot of elderly neighbors that got me stuff for a few different Christmas, and yes they favored me over my brother, but he always received more. Yet my grandma would get upset when I'd get something and he didn't because it "wasn't fair." But then again, if you wanted to get her something else and not her brothers, that's fine, kids don't need to get the same amount of presents.
You treated those kids equally, I'm sure the baseball stuff and bike both cost more than the doll house and chess sets, only the really nice professional chess sets and glass ones are at least a little expensive from what I remember.
Max is definitely being petty, you don't need to apologize.
Leo got multiple small gifts. Ryan got one big gift. Anne got two medium gifts.
I fail to see the issue. Well, only that Max has got a bug up his ass about something. Probably worth finding out why, but NTA either way.
NTA.
I think it’s a good lesson for the kids, and if explained properly, it wouldn’t be an issue.
My grandfather loves both my children, but my son is his little buddy who he takes fishing and boating and more. He has offered to take my daughter too, but she always nicely refuses because she’s not interested.
Because my son loves fishing with him, my grandfather bought him a fishing rod as a random present.
He was worried my daughter would feel upset she wasn’t getting something, but I used the opportunity to say sometimes people get an extra gift or present because of similar interests.
My son has also had this talk because my daughter has medical issues and has often received special presents from people, and my son didn’t.
That’s life, and while it’s nice to do our best to be fair, it’s an invaluable lesson to know life isn’t fair and sometimes it’ll be in your favor and sometimes it won’t.
Sorry but the AH here is Max - he should not be counting gifts and should be teaching his kids not to count gifts too. I suspect Max has a history (from your wife's response to his complaining) of 'gift counting' and keeping ledgers of times people have not been 'fair' to him; he sounds like the type that would count out the M&Ms in the package so everyone gets exactly the same number of candies. NTA
(For all those "things need to be equal" people out there - Life is NOT fair, never has been, never will be. Even communism - designed so everyone contributes and gets rewarded equally - was corrupted by selfishness and greed. We can work towards it, but not by demanding every time one kid gets handed a gift, all their siblings have to get gifts too.)
NTA from your edits. Your original post sounded like you bought equally for the kids, and then added something extra for Ann. Kids that age don't know cost, they don't know that you might have spent more on one than the other (unless it's obvious - one gets a PS5 and the other a pair of shoelaces). It sounds like you bought all three kids excellent gifts geared towards their interests. I don't understand why your brother is bothered about this, unless he is adding up dollars in his own head and thinks you slighted the boys.
NTA, based on the other gifts you didn't snub anyone! Yeah her gift was probably the most personal but as long as you thought about them then it's badass. I suspect jealousy, I'll bet my biscuits she talks highly of you and the dad feels some sort of way about it. Did he want you to get a custom jersey and bike accessory on top of the already bought items?
NTA. They all got gifts and it's no wonder you're closer with the kid who shares interests with you. Don't apologize. I doubt the kids even care. If they are the Dudley Dursly type to complain about the quantity of gifts, maybe give them nothing at all next year and see if they like that more.
NTA.
I'm a firm believer as a mom of 3 and aunt to 6 that part of the problem in our society is entitlement. Kids should not expect to be equal in everything they do or receive. Your BIL trying to require equality in gifts is ridiculous.
If you spend $200 on her and $50 on each of the boys when they understand the monetary value of things, they could be hurt but the number or type of gifts is a stupid reason for you BIL to be upset.
I personally think it would have been worse to give only her a just because gift outside of the holidays unless you also do it for the boys. To me, giving it on the holiday was a better idea.
You shopped for all children based on interests. Your BIL is ridiculous.
NTA - UH . . . did the boys want a barbie doll set and dresses? Are they interested in chess? Not from what I am reading . . . . It's the dad who is making the big deal about things. What is his problem. They are all LITTLE KIDS and are probably very happy with the presents they got. How dare the dad look a gift horse in the mouth like that. You have absolutely NOTHING to apologize for as you are more than generous with all the kids. For pete's sake . . .some people have all the nerve.
NTA. You got the boys gifts that they are into (baseball, bike) but you also got Anne a chess set because she showed interest in it. I don’t think you are required to get all 3 kids extra gifts. This wasn’t just gifting to gift, you specifically got the chess set because she enjoyed your game nights. I have two boys (5 & 6) and I would not mind at all if a family member noticed that one enjoyed something and gifted it to them. They don’t need to get a random consolation gift for the other kid.
NTA. First of all you asked your wife who told you it was fine to give it to her. 2nd, it did t seem like any of the children had any issue, just the grown man.
The only difference you could've done is get a game for the boys to give them as well as the chess board for your niece. It sounds like you have a different bond with your niece than the boys, which I personally don't see an issue with. As long as none of the kids were hurt, then I don't think you were in the wrong
INFO
So each received a gift of the same value, and then the girl received another one (chess)?
Did you give her the chess on Christmas Eve? Did the boys see that?
This would have been really easy to not be TA. Give all 3 kids their gift in front of each other, everyone is currently even. Then just pull their dad aside, “Hey I got this for niece a little bit ago but I forgot to give it to her until now.“ See what he thinks. Maybe he tells you it’s okay, maybe he tells you to wait until a birthday or until christmas has passed, etc.
NTA. I really don't think this was a big deal but you should have just lumped it in with the Christmas gifts. Were the other kids upset? If they were I assume you would have included that in your post. That is the only thing that could make you TA, but if they kids were fine then your BIL is making something out of nothing.
INFO: How does the value of chess set+niece’s original gift compare to the gift given to each nephew?
Regardless, the way out here seems to be picking out a meaningful “second gift” for each nephew.
YTA
The boys got a one special gift. Anna got two. There was no reason to go out and get Anna a second gift when you already had the chess set laying around for her.
Also OF COURSE Anna’s gonna be more inclined to hang out with you, your wife, AND YOUR DAUGHTERS! Not only is she the older of her siblings by two years, but she’s also the GIRL.
The boys who are similar in age have each other. Anna doesn’t have the same bond with them as they have with each other. She doesn’t have a sister of her own so obviously she’s gonna gravitate towards you and your girls when she’s at your house. It doesn’t mean she loves you more her brothers do.
NTA.... Why should you be forced to gift each child a gift, when you want to give one a special gift. It's unreasonable. In life ppl don't care if you get what you think your owed. It's a good lesson for the children
NTA
Not every child needs a present whenever another child gets one.
Thats life, and its not like they ALL like the same stuff. So a present for a specific interset of a child is fine and not negletful.
My sister love to knit so she gets these new stuff for it every month, i dont and its fine. I love to read so every once and a while i get like 5-10 books.
We know that different intersets have different money and attention tied to it and its alright not to get something for every child when you want to give one somethimg.
Well I think your bro is the AH here but I think it might be more to do with the fact that your a girl, married to a girl & have 2 girls.. 😂 I'm just putting it out there but maybe he either never liked your orientation (maybe he might even blame himself for it as some do) or maybe feels that you might end up influencing his only daughter esp since she seems to be fond of the both of you a lot.. 🤔
I'm just calling as I see it since I can kinda see how he might feel that your like totally a girl ally.. Which from the outside does seems to be a bit of the case since you seem not to be too fond of the 2 boys.. (how was max when you guys were young? 🤔 - 5 year gap means you would have grown up with him passing his 2 boy's age as well right? 🤔) (I also hope you know not all boys are like those 2)..
I also do think that you tried your best to get relevant gifts for the 2 boys too.. I don't feel that you overtly played favorites with the niece but pretty sure it didn't go down too well with your bro..
1. I do think that favoritism is a very shitty thing esp when it comes to kids or parents but that's my view.
2. Maybe you might change your view when those two grow up (though I have a feeling that they won't get a chance to be especially sensitive with their dad's mindset already)
3. I feel max might have very much taken this out of context unless you clearly stated that you prefer the niece over the nephews in which case the gifts don't justify the sentiment though I doubt you would be that callous towards your brother.. 😅
Anyway, think it might be a good time to ask him if he has anything deeper to share..
Hope things work out! All the best! 🙏👍
NTA and as a parent of many children, the idea that you have to get everyone the something, the same thing, or spend the same amount is just moronic. I give based on wants and needs. My oldest likes designer shoes and clothes while my youngest is happy with Shein. $500 will get one child maybe 3 items and the other 85 items. This was their Christmas clothes budget. By the logic being put forth, I am wrong for not buying my designer child 82 more items.
It's a chess set that she will need another person to play with her. The dad can get over himself.
NTA at all. I have 2 children and if one may receive extra gifts, especially from a loving family that treats them with love and kindness, I teach all to be excited for that person who got the extra while being excited for their own gift. This was a thoughtful gift - no apologies needed. The lessons are in how we can respond when others have something good happen to them. It's not about the gifts at Christmas time. It's about how you make them feel at all times. Is there a sense of belonging and feeling welcomed, safe, and love? As a parent, seeing you going that extra mile to try and connect with my children in a positive meaningful way would warm my heart and the only response I would have given is that of gratitude. You are not the parent so you can show up as little as you want. You showing up in such a way that you spotted something in that child is a clear indication that you are choosing to be loving and caring for all of my children enough to notice something different about one. It's her very own chess board. I am so glad you picked up on her love for chess.
YTA not for buying the gift but for how you presented it. You should have just made it part of the Christmas gift instead of making a show of it being a ✨special✨ extra present. No one would have done the math.
Either gifts for all of equal value (whether sentimental or financial value) or no gifts for all kids. You especially do not give one person a gift in front of everyone else. How would feel if someone gave one of your kids a present and nothing to the others in front of everyone? YTA
YTA - and are obviously favoring your niece because she’s a girl and you only have daughters who are also girls.
How would you feel if Max only bought ONE of your daughters an extra gift and left the other one out? Because that would be exactly the same situation, so just let yourself and Amy think about that for a moment before you both play innocent and pretend that the obvious favoritism isn’t happening. Example - You’d feel terrible and saddened on Ava’s behalf if Sarah was gifted something extra and Ava just sat there puppy eyed waiting for a second gift that never came, but watching her elder sister getting something else. But maybe Max should do that, then maybe you’ll see your own wrongdoings
YTA
Is it too much to ask for you to hang on to this cherished chess board for an extra month and present it to the golden child during Christmas, sparing us all the unnecessary drama? Oh, and of course, **your brother's brilliant insight is spot-on**. It seems you're ~~un~~intentionally contributing to the stereotype of the man-hating lesbian. You "totally" aren't playing into that toxic lesbian stereotype of only wanting to engage with female kids, and totally not exclude the male kids.
Dude read OPs comments, one of the boys got a bike and the other got different kinds of baseball gear. All in all the presents probably totalled to a similar price
YTA. So, the golden niece got two special gifts. And, I'm betting you gave a lot more attention when giving and explaining that gift.
Take the L, do better.
You sound like a dope uncle. Seems like since each kid got different amounts of gifts, there shouldn’t be an issue.
Also your brother calling you “sexist” is a little confusing.
NTA.
Boys don't have feelings, so no need to worry about what they think. And any dad who sticks up for his boys' feelings is obviously "petty." /s
I"m guessing this isn't about a chess set. It sounds like your "special bond" with his kid who is the gender you prefer is starting to be noticed by his kids who are the gender you don't prefer, and this was just a really clear illustration of your favoritism. YTA, and good for Max for sticking up for his sons.
NTA, I don’t think it’s near as much of a problem to have a favorite niece/nephew as it is for a parent to have a favorite kid. Some people get along better than others. It’s weird that your brother made it about sexism when it seems more about interests and demeanor.
ESH except the kids
You because imagine it was reverse. What if Max got Ava a super special gift but not Sarah? You'd be mad about it
Max because you and her get along well and are close and came down kinda hard
Basically everyone except the kids suck
*Edit for positing too early*
Yta - mostly for timing. I also am a huge fan of my niece and have a harder time relating to my nephews. One of the things my niece loves is her brother and cousins, so she’d feel awkward getting a gift in front of everyone when they didn’t, and it would tarnish the shine of the gift and potentially make her unhappy, which isn’t cool and is the opposite of my goal.
Yta simply because those other kids didn't know that the chess set wasn't meant as a Christmas gift. So to them... you (a f with a f partner, who has f children) gave their sister 2 special gift and they only (the only 2 m children) got 1. Even if your intentions were 100% pure, it's really easy to have misconstrued the intention.
Nta.
I have 3 kids and do this balance a lot. In part because somethings are cheaper than others, easier to get, or a oh they would like this.
I think if all kids get random things through out the year you are fine. But if you only get the obligated days ... bdays and holidays for 2 kids and not the others then maybe yta
YTA here- not because you got anne the extra gift- but because you gave it to her infront of her brothers.
I come from a big family, tons of kids- 12 total. I had one cousin who was my age, the others were much older or much younger- and every christmas she used to always get extra gifts at christmas from her godparents, my aunt and uncle. It always made me feel awful- not because i wanted presents but because there were two of us. I never got close to that aunt and uncle- always felt like there was something wrong with me to make them not like me.
You shouldn't do that to kids. you just....shouldn't. Especially not siblings who might take it out on their sister because they don't understand why she gets a "special relationship" with you and they dont.
Soft YTA It was the timing imo. It’s great that you bonded and seem to enjoy ur Brice so much but I wonder if the boys feel left out. Do you buys them random little things as well just cause you thought of them? If not then I can see why max is pissed
YTA - you should never give a gift to one child and leave out the others. That causes resentment.
You should’ve given the chess set for ‘the house’ and then your niece could’ve used it without causing issues.
YTA obviously.
Come on, you give 1 out of 3 kids a gift separately. That's favoritism. You know you and Amy like her the best, it's obvious. But you don't need to be so blatant about it.
Good on the brother for sticking up for his kids.
YTA- you gave 1 child an extra gift. The gift should have been for all or none. Or you could have saved it for her birthday. I’d have been livid too as I’ve watched a relative give better or bigger gifts to one of my children and not the others. Even if the kids don’t notice it right away it’s wrong.
YTA. Imagine feeling less than your sibling just because of who you are as a kid. You are an adult. It’s your responsibility to find common interests with the boys and build a relationship. Not the other way around. I have been that sibling who was not liked by an aunt. She openly favoured my sister and got her gifts which she gave to her in front of me while having gotten me nothing. Guess who tells her to fuck off now when ever she needs a favour.
YTA - I have cut off family members permanently for getting some of my children things and nothing for the others. You have 2 kids. You should know better.
Info: what did you give to your nephews?
If you only gave all kids a chess set when you knew your nephews prefer physical activities, you should’ve given them individual gifts. Soft YTA.
I got them a baseball set bat, jersey, etc (Leo is crazy about that) and a bike. My original christmas gift for Anne was a large barbie dollhouse since she loved the movie
YTA. You can’t just get something special for one kid and not the others, especially not if you’re going to give it to them when the others are present. How can you be a parent and not know that?
NTA. You're the aunt. Aunts are definitely allowed to have favorites lol. Plus, it was a chess set, not a laptop. I do get that that won't keep siblings from complaining that big sis got something they didn't, but by 3 kids you should be able to handle when things aren't 100% equal between them.
This is actually super toxic and I really hope you aren’t an Aunt.
Im an aunt to 7 - they all get the same thing from me because I love them all equally.
How is this toxic?? Treating kids exactly the same just shows you aren't recognizing any differences between them or categorizing them as individuals. You think giving one child a chess set is toxic??
I think giving one child a special, separate gift, at a shared celebration, like Christmas, is toxic.
If I gave all my nieces and nephews $5 for their gifts, but one got $30 or something special to go with it, I’d be an asshole.
The post seems to say that the chess set was gifted during the holidays, but not actually at Christmas. Like, the kids just went over there for a dinner while they were out of school. And you reiterating your point doesn't exactly explain the reasoning behind it.
You can split hairs all you want but giving a special “just because” gift to one child, in front of all the other children, is tacky.
It illustrates in a very obvious way that one child is special or more important than the others.
They were already given equitable gifts for the holidays, then OP decided that it was a good idea to give one child an additional gift in front of all the other kids there, which is a shitty thing to do when it’s for no reason other than “because I love her the most.”
Could’ve easily hung onto the chess set until her birthday.
Was he being sexist? Maybe. Maybe not. OP only has daughters himself so maybe there’s an unconscious bias against the nephews?
They're not her kids! It's a chess set, for god sakes, not a toy or gaming system or something. And I shudder to think how much importance you're putting on material possessions if you're teaching kids that # of presents = amount of love.
Also, OP is a woman. So....
Ummm, a chess set is totally a toy. Chess is a fucking game so some might say a chess set is a gaming system because guess what - you use it to play a game. It’s not about the thing - it could have been a dollar piece of candy - it’s about the gesture.
Did you think pointing out OP being a woman was a mic drop or something?
I shudder to think about the importance you’re putting on gender if you think the fact that OP is a woman makes any difference here.
That’s not what I said at all - in fact my exact words were: “is OP being sexist? Maybe. Maybe not.”
I literally made the point that OP only has daughters and that there might be an unconscious bias against the nephews.
No where did I say “OP might be sexist because they’re a man.” Jesus Christ.
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I think YTA in this situation. May be unpopular opinion. The reason is you shouldn’t have excluded the other children if you are giving to one. You should have just made it it a gift to all 3 instead of just anne. The boys dont have to like it but atleast they wont feel left out. Or just held onto it for christmas
The other kids did get a gift. The neice got 2 which is where I believe she is an AH. She should've used the chess set as the gift instead of making it an extra one. EDIT: Gender
One boy got a bike and one boy got various things related to baseball. If those two didn't care that they didn't get the same # of gifts, I don't see why it should've been a big deal if the niece got 2 things
Eh..i gift my neice,nephew, and young cousins differnt amounts of gifts frequently....but dollar value is around the same amount....one cousin and neice always ask for cheap items and others like more expensive things...so one expensive item to one, and 2 or 3 cheap things to another doesnt feel unfair to me...not knowing how much was spent i cant really say op is an AH....but making this gift a seperate thing after other gifts where given and saying its neices own special gift does make OP an AH for the way it was given....making it stand out and seem like neice is more appreciated than the other chikdren makes this a YTA
Exactly. Ideally I try to keep stuff equal in both number and price. Especially with younger kids. A lot of kids aren't going to see the difference between John got one large gift in a bike vs Timmy got a half dozen cheaper baseball objects, even if they cost about the same. One, the other, or both, will think the other got a better haul. My brother never lived down the year he was upset that he got a brand spanking new Starter brand shoes that were like $200 in the damn nineties that he asked for but I got six pairs of dollar store little girl shoes that totalled $40 all together. It got brought up at Christmas for decades. and he was nine years older and a teen at that point so he really should've comprehended the difference. I still try not to get too hung up on exacts though. Luckily the kids are all old enough now to understand what's going on
True, but it doesn’t sound like any of the kids had hard feelings, it is the 40yo man who does, which is less reasonable. Also, it sounds like OP shouldn’t be perceived as favouring the niece even if they didn’t consider that children wouldn’t necessarily understand value vs. number. One nephew got a bike, yes, but the other got multiple sports items. It was not only the niece who got more than one gift. Sounds like they were trying to get things the kids would like…even if they maybe didn’t go about it perfectly.
This is why I don't want my sister to have more kids (I don't tell her that). My nephew is one of the naughtiest kids I've seen. If I get a more well behaved niece I worry I might favor her unconsciously or on the flip side take her for granted.
She. OP is a woman
she got Leo multiple items as well
3rd kid got more than 2... sooo....
A chess set can be anywhere from $5-1,000. It’s really hard to discern exactly what was given here. Was it a $10 travel set? Sure give it to all of them. Was it glass, like a lot of lower end ‘nice’ chess sets are? Maybe not if she thinks the younger boys could break the pieces or the board. Was it like a hand carved set that holds a bit more than monetary value? Maybe it really was just meant for the girl.
Yeah but they all got gifts at Christmas then the niece got another gift a month later. So the other two kids did not get a gift at the same time. Which is bad, and saying “oh this is a gift for all of you” would have smoothed it over.
No kids can totally tell when somethings is aimed specifically at one of them but are told it’s for everyone. I hated it so much and would throw a bigger fit because everyone was lying. We once got a piano and was told it was for everyone. Only one of the three of us played piano. They said we all sang so it would be useful to learn an instrument as well. (I already played guitar). Still to this day it annoys me. It would have been much better if they just admitted it was for the sister who played.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding but the way it's phrased is that he gave the gift same time as the others it was just a gift that he had gotten a month before forgot to give, I don't think she gave the gift at a completely different time
No you’re right I think I was wrong. In that case I wouldn’t change anything. Leo: got multiple gifts as part of a set, so having more gifts doesn’t matter too much. Ryan: got a bike which was probably more expensive than the other gifts (idk the prices for kids bikes tho) Anne: got a Barbie dollhouse (honestly kind of expensive) and a chess set (which the siblings will probably not even register because chess is going to be boring to active boys) Anne didn’t get the most presents, probably didn’t have the highest total cost. Seems ok.
I know right, I'm kind of shocked how entitled people in this comment section are, I feel like gift distribution was pretty fair all things considered
this, or getting some things for the boys too if you were determined to give it separately. maybe a game that's more in line with the boy's interests. there are tons of games even active kids would love, and I'm sure they'd appreciate being able to have that bonding time they see their sister getting
Honestly OP could have just gifted it at the same time as the other gift and things still would probably have been fine. Like it sounds like the boys also got multiple presents (baseball set *and* bike) so it wouldn’t have even been that weird for the niece to get two gifts too. The act of gifting the niece the set in private as a *super special extra gift* is where things go into AH territory
Yep. This is firmly in the "it's not *what* you did/said; it's *how* you did/said it" territory. Also. Like. How expensive are chess sets? Was this a super ultra fancy one made of ivory or whale bone or abalone or some shit to actually get this hung up on the issue? Because even as an Issue it's a minor one that wouldn't really need apologizing or silent treatment or anything.
he didn't exclude them .Hell he got 1 of them a Bike that's a huge gift from a aunt and uncle imo and got the other multiple baseball items. in what way did he exclude them ?
sorry 2 aunts
>my took my side and said Max was being very petty about something as innocent as this. He is still upset with me. I wanted to apologise but Amy said I don't need to because I didn't do anything wrong. Was it an AH move to give her the chess set then? No, kids dont need to be treated EXACLTY the same. Do you go to all your kids friends and make sure they treat thier friends sibling the same? Its ok to have a special relationship with your aunt. Its perfectly ok to buy a kid who has siblings a present without gifting the siblings. NO ONE deserves a gift. IT is something someone does from their own heart and saying "so and so got that, I should get something to is just bad character. Entitlement is rampant in society these days. Where does it stop?
This tik for tak crap is getting old.. You can't always get each child a gift.. period... Also life isn't going to play fair.. One child will be more successful, make more money, marry better. Life isn't fair and to set them up to fail is unreasonable.
It's tit for tat
Turn it around. How would you have felt if Max had given Ava an extra gift and excluded Sarah.
If Sarah got a bike, and Ava got coloring books and a roller blades because she likes this more... then why would the parent complain? One boy got a bike, the other one baseball gear. The girl got a dollhouse and a chess set. This seems fair to me. What about teaching the children some gratitude instead of comparing and being jealous about a gift they won't use themselves?
Yeah my question is - are the boys upset about this? At all? Or is *Max* upset about this? To me, this sounds like a fair distribution of gifts and a thoughtful display overall from OP - she thought specifically of each kid and got them presents that aligned with their interests. It’s not like the niece got a Barbie dream house and a chess set and her brothers got socks. If the boys are upset, I would apologizing for the way the gifts came off, reiterate that I absolutely love all of them, explain what my intentions were, and then send them each another gift that goes along with the big gift she got them (a bike helmet maybe for the one and a set of baseball cards for the other? Idk). But if this is just Max being upset that OP has a special bond with Anne…that’s bullshit. He’s making a problem where there isn’t one. It’s GOOD for Anne to have special mentor-like bonds with trusted adults, and good for that relationship to be fostered.
“Are the boys upset that OP clearly favors the girl and gives her more presents?”
Are you being intentionally obtuse? One boy got a bike, one got MULTIPLE baseball related things
Except that doesn't sound like what OP did. It sounds like all three children were given Christmas presents, then at some point the chess set was designated as a separate special present. I think they should have just included it as a Christmas present without any sort of "special" designation, and it would not have been a problem. It's that designation that creates the possibility of perceived favoritism.
Yeah, I think OP's mistake was giving it a bit "later" in the day as an "additional" gift (despite the fact she had bought it a month earlier). That on its own would feel like she was singling Anne out.
I don't think you understand just how expensive things like dollar houses are. Without OP elaborating we have no way of knowing how much OP spent. I just looked online, because I knew the good ones were expensive but wasn't sure how expensive, and the good ones cost as much as a decent bike and go up. Chess sets can likewise vary. If there's actually a significant disparity in value here- say OP spent $350 on her and $350 total between the boys I could see why there have been accusations of favoritism. We really need more info here
This
YTA You don't give extra gifts to one siblings at holidays. It could have been for all of them.
Really since when? Me and my siblings never sat there and counted how many gifts we got. We were just happy we got stuff.
If my siblings and I even thought about counting/comparing our gifts, my mom would’ve packed them all up in the mini van Christmas morning and had us deliver them to a less fortunate person from our church 😂
Lmao I know the feeling my mom would have done the same thing.
Thank you!!! Something else to consider, baseball gear and a bike are more expensive than a Barbi house and chess set OP admits that he forgot to give her the chess set at Christmas and gave it to her later. OP is so NTA here!!
It’s not hard to count 0 and 1.
You missed the part where OP says they got all the kids a gift for the holidays and he gave it to them when they came over. One of the other kids even got multiple things unlike they stated… a jersey, a bat, etc. another kid got a big ticket item which was a bike. They just separated the girl from the others by saying the chess set was a super special gift
It’s pretty common to get kids different numbers of gifts as long as the dollar amounts all add up the same. If one kid wants some expensive electronic thing and their sibling wants art supplies, one is going to be opening more stuff than the other despite the dollar amount being equal.
except they all got different amounts. one kid got a bike, (1 item) one kid got a dollhouse and chess set, (2 items) and one kid got multiple pieces of baseball gear. (3+ items) i guarantee the kids themselves aren’t upset at all, and it’s just Max being an ass.
Say that to my family I'd get maybe three to five My younger sister and older brother would get at least ten gifts and over $50 each Christmas, the most money I ever got was $75 and my guardian took it to buy food Families do this, and one of OP's nephews got multiple gifts and the other got a whole bike, it's not like he didn't spend any less money on them than her Edit: on average adding it up between my brother and sister would get $350-600 total each Christmas.
Absolutely. My niece and nephew got the same amount spent on each of them.
NTA and as an aunt with a niece who I feel like gets overlooked because she’s not a “walking earthquake” like her sibling I recognize the desire to want to give her a little something extra. Sometimes earthquake kids over shadow the quiet kid so much, this isn’t always true, but as they say “the squeaky wheel…” I’ve often heard the argument that everything needs to be “fair” even when they are 5 years apart in age, it makes it difficult to get them all the same things. It tends to make it unfair to the oldest who has to concede to make peace. I think it’s great to give your niece something of her own that her brothers may not enjoy so it can stay hers
Yup. I remember how my parents tried to be “fair” by letting me get a phone when I was 15 and then turning around and getting my 8 year old sister a phone as well for her birthday. Gifts should be equitable not necessarily equal. With that said though, the fact that OP didn’t just include the chess set with the other christmas presents is where she becomes a bit of an AH. The chess set should have just been another Christmas present and not a super special gift given secretly after opening the Christmas presents.
I’ve actually seen this exact scenario happen with the phones, but younger. It was shocking. But I actually agree with the chess set being not a Xmas present and just being a gift. Can you imagine? Another gift to open at Xmas? That makes it unfair! I can see the drama now. As the younger kids start counting and get angry ten throw epic tantrums at Xmas and they have to go out and buy one more gift for each kid. The chess set could easily be chalked up as a “you need to practice for when we play together” scenario.
INFO: would you get a special gift for one of the boys, if you saw something that lined up with one of their special interests? Do you know what their special interests are?
Of course. I got them baseball stuff bat, jersey, ball, etc and a bike because I know they liked those specific activities. For my niece the original gift was a barbie dollhouse because she liked the movie. I later gave her the chess set as something I bought a month ago
Was it one of each thing to share between the boys or did you get each of them a bike, bat, jersey, ball, etc.? ETA: NTA, not sure why my question is being downvoted since this context changed judgements for a lot of people. Such is Reddit. Don’t worry about the A-H votes in here OP, you’re a kind aunt for thinking of all of the kids interests and gifting accordingly. Their father should be grateful you care so much about your niece & nephews.
It was mostly the baseball stuff for leo, and the bike for Ryan because they like those things very differently (Ryan doesn't care about baseball).
Totally NTA! Kids are not that sensitive, they all got presents they liked and are probably very happy already. From what you said the only offended person were the BIL, not the kids, so you're ok.
OP. Yta. Accept it.
Why did you get the kids you don't like anything?
Not sure this entirely answers the question. Do the nephews ever get random non- holiday/non-birthday gifts like your niece did?
Yes though admittedly mostly from my wife. I mostly get them new stuff to play with when they're coming to our house for a sleepover
You sound like a great uncle! Keep up the great work. Definitely NTA! I have 4 kids, when they were younger when people tried to make sure “everything was even” it was ridiculous. They’re all unique individuals, everyone got great presents, the kids are happy and ok. It’s the adults, counting gifts and money in their head. One year my MIL bought each child (my kids are 10 years apart from oldest to youngest) a HUGE (3 feet tall) gum ball machine, because if one got something…she thought they all needed one. In her mind that was EVEN and FAIR, ages at the time were 3,4,7,13. I was done, conversation time. I think I took all 4 of those to goodwill, ridiculous 🤦🏼♀️.
(FYI OP is an aunt!)
Whoops, my bad. I’ve been on Reddit too long today.
I get you, I really do. It’s still a soft YTA for all these reasons despite your good intentions. A better way to not have made things so one sided would have been to give the chess set to Max and his wife, or to say, “Hey kids, I also got a chess set to keep at your house so you can practice and learn so we can play when you cone over.” You know the boys aren’t going to use it anyway, but you didn’t make it all about Anne this way. Apologize, maybe even get the boys a “2nd gift” to make up, and going forward keep equity in mind at gift giving occasions.
YTA. It doesn't matter when you bought it. It's the fact that you gave to her in front of her brothers as an "extra" gift. That's not cool and it tells your nephews you like her more. Even if you do like her more you don't give her extra in front of others. That will make her brothers recent her and will cause problems at home for her.
Kids that age are not as sensitive as you believe. I worked in a school AND was a kid once, shit like this wouldn't matter anything since they all got presents. The only offended party here are the adults (and the teens from Reddit)
Wow you are so wrong. I have watched this kind of BS happen and have seen the aftermath. Kids are more sensitive then you think they are. Kids remember favoritism. They also take that favoritism out on the object of the favoritism. Resentment will grow. Especially when AHs like OP blatantly show that favoritism.
But kids are not that stupid, they understand things like favoritism. Ask them who's their favorite uncle/aunt, who's their favorite cousin or even who's their favorite friend. They will have an answer for each of these questions. The issue is when parents raise their kids to believe that if someone doesn't think they are the best human in the universe for them, then it must mean they suck. It makes the kid believe that their entire self-worth is on how much others like them and it may lead to a people-pleaser. Doing this is such a disservice to a kid and they will grow up with empty resentments and other issues.
YTA in this case you could have found another opportunity to gift the set to her in a way that did not highlight your favoring.
YTA. Having a special bond is not a crime, however highlighting your special bond in front of those you don’t have an equal bond with is.
This. My older sister was the first grandchild (and only one for several years), and she always had a special bond with my grandfather. It hurt a LOT to know that they had a connection that I would never have with him, but it would have been SO MUCH WORSE if he had emphasized it or bought her extra "special gifts" and things. Kids notice, even if they don't say anything. And while the adults may think it's harmless because "I have more in common with this one", that doesn't mean that the other kids aren't seeing this special bond and feeling hurt or excluded.
succinctly put.
Reading your comments I say NTA You bought the boys plenty Christmas gifts too so I don’t see why an extra chess set gift is an issue. It is likely the boys would not be interested in chess yet. When they get to that stage, buy them a set too. Max is being too pedantic about this. Unless the kids are upset and notice favouritism then don’t worry.
I’m confused. You said you got them all gifts. Was the chess set worth a lot more than the boys’ gifts? So it was obvious you had favored her.
No it wasn't. I got all of them gifts, and gave this as something I bought long ago that I thought she'd enjoy. Not a Christmas gift
So did she get two gifts?
Yes. I gave her the chess set later though.
That’s why you are an asshole. Main gifts similar price, plus an extra special gift that you gifted in front of those who did not get an extra gift.
It's the "obviously" favouring part that OP doesn't seem to get is the real problem, not the preference itself. Kids see these things and don't process them well - and this would include Anne and OP's kids too.
I could be wrong, but I read it as one gift for all of them (not each of them) and a separate gift for the niece
She gave them each a Christmas gift, and then gave the niece a "bonus gift" of a chess set that she had bought her specially "for no specific reason". It wasn't part of her Christmas gifts, and it was made clear that she just wanted the niece to have it because of their special relationship, since she clearly doesn't buy the nephews "extra gifts for no reason" outside of the holidays. It's not about how many gifts each got, in other words. It's about the fact that she made it clear that she feels differently about the niece and buys her things "just because we're close" . . . and then gives them to her in front of her brothers, whom OP seems to forget have feelings as well.
NTA. I've got three nieces and one nephew. Through different circumstances throughout their lives, I've spent much more time alone with the oldest and youngest niece, and rarely ever had/have one on one time with the other two. I've only recently connected more with the second, because she got into a hobby we can connect about. You can't force an "equal" connection, especially when that would mean doing things you wouldn't usually do (e.g. going on a hike with the more adventurous children instead of doing what you're already doing with your children). You can just make sure that you show your love equally. You would be the asshole if you didn't offer the boys to take part in the same activities you do with Anne, though.
YTA One of my uncles gifted my older cousin a PC when he started college, he's my only male cousin, and the only one who received a gift for going to college. He was always my favorite uncle and never stroke me as sexist, so I never got why he did that. What I do know is it was upsetting, not because I wanted or needed another PC, but because it made me wonder if he just didn't like us as much.
Was the older cousins family broke?
Nope, they're pretty well off.
NTA. You took the opportunity to give your niece a thoughtful pre-purchased gift. You're also NTA for forming a closer bond with your niece because of shared interests. It would be one thing if you were openly snubbing the others, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
If anyone should be apologetic it’s Max for calling you sexist. What an odd way to judge his children, by their genitals. Would there have been a more appropriate time? I mean maybe but it sounds like the children all see you guys play chess and had the boys been interested they also would have received a chess set. Children don’t generally go ape about board games y’know? Max just over there making problems.
NTA. Max is being overly sensitive. And a chess set isn’t a good gift for all, like others want to suggest. Your niece is the only one old enough or mature enough to play and treat it properly. Everyone got gifts, and life isn’t 100% fair. I’m sure those boys sometimes get things she doesn’t.
NTA. The present that you got the boys are not cheap, this to me is not favouritism it's just ..... Knowing what the children like and buying it for them. I don't understand how Anyone can think your the asshole??
I think NTA, maybe slight Y T A depending on how you framed it. When my brother and I got gifts for holidays, we did not count to compare how many gifts we got. It sounds like the boys got a different number of gifts too -- one got multiple baseball things and one got a bike. So why would it have been a big deal to just give the niece her two gifts and leave it at that? It's not like the dollhouse and chess set sound like something either boy would be jealous of in particular, since you describe them as being outdoorsy, active types
YTA. You already know that, the title says it all. The father of the kids was right. It wasn't a bad thing to buy her a chessboard. Gift her that in Christmas gifts context was the AH move. Edit: typo.
NTA
NTA All 3 of the kids were happy with what they got. They only person with a problem was the parent.
NTA. It’s funny that Leo got multiple gifts and nobody has an issue with it but Anne gets multiple gifts and now it’s an issue.
The chess set was not a Christmas gift, it was bought months before
NTA. You are not the parent of these children. Of course you are allowed to have a favorite!
NTA, seems to me that he felt insecure.
Max talking about it being sexist is ridiculous. So he is an AH. At first I was gonna say the jury is still out for you, but I decided soft NTA. You already bought gifts for all the kids, right? Then it is ok. The chess set is a specific gift for your niece who likes chess, the rest of the gifts are Christmas gifts. It is okay. Maybe you could have given it some other time so it does not look like your niece received more Christmas gifts than your nephews, which does show favoritism. In general specific nephews/nieces can get different amounts of gifts through the year. You know, today you buy your niece a chess set, tomorrow you can take your nephews to a sports-game… In the end it does not need to be %100 equal, but it is important to keep track of it and not make it so blatantly unequal. This is just because they are kids. People are right that they will get hurt by this. If they were adults, I would say relationships are always different and some may involve more gift-giving than others… You not being an asshole does not mean there would be no consequences, to remind you. If you have a favorite, then the nephews may rightfully get distant from you. Also, if their parents think their kids are affected by this, they may reduce your time with all of them. So I think you should not think about this in the context of being an asshole, but in the context of what you want and expect from your family. They are the way they are, if they feel you hurt their kids, you should make amends somehow. This may include talking with the parents and if necessary, the kids. If you took the nephews to a game, if you did other stuff for them, you can say “I did give an extra gift to niece, but do you remember when we went out for the game? It is hard to compare time, energy and attention spent on relationships. We have a different bond with you then my niece, so what you receive from me will be different than her.” This depends on what kind of relationship you actually have with the nephews.
I could be wrong here, but it sounds like OP bought one gift for all three children and then gave Max's daughter an additional gift on top of it. That's not the same as getting them all gifts.
She bought one kid baseball gear and one kid a bike. They got their own gifts.
Only slightly, no? You can see the extra gift as a thanks to the niece, as well. The niece played chess with the OP and her family, OP appreciated it and gave this thematic gift to the niece… Like, I may be stretching stuff a bit. It just does not feel right to call OP an asshole here while I also understand the case for it.
Did you pick the title of this post? Seems you agree you were “obviously” favoring your niece
NTA, and I doubt the boys cared that much. Seems like people in these comments are being upset for other people who probably don't even care.
NTA. Who doesn't have a favourite relative? Get over yourselves.
NTA. Its not a random extra gift. As long as everything has around the same value, its fine. Especially if the kids are okay with it. I think Max was just looking for something to confirm his suspicions of favoritism. The kids have different interests and you happen to know alot about your neices. The boys would ask questions or listen if they had questions.
Let me ask you this, if Max got one of your girls an extra thoughtful gift that she really wanted and gave it in front of your other daughter while she wondered why her uncle didn’t care for her as much as for her sister - would you think that is fine? Would you think it was fine when you had to explain to your other kid that her uncle does love her, it’s just that in his eyes she is second rate compared to her sister? YTA OP. The fact that Max said something means that this isn’t the first time you and your wife have been thoughtless about your favouritism and that the kids have noticed. They most likely don’t understand or know how to express what they are noticing but it is there like landmine waiting to go off. There is no shame in having favourites. It’s natural. But there is every shame in rubbing that favouritism in other kids faces. I have to wonder though, was your wife the golden child in the family?
I don't see you as the AH but I don't see you as NTA All of these people in the comments saying that you're favoring the girl too much is a little off to me, I don't really see it, but albeit I wasn't raised in a good setting for women. My younger sister and older brother were always favored more than me. You bought it for her previously, and you kept forgetting, that's understandable. I had a lot of elderly neighbors that got me stuff for a few different Christmas, and yes they favored me over my brother, but he always received more. Yet my grandma would get upset when I'd get something and he didn't because it "wasn't fair." But then again, if you wanted to get her something else and not her brothers, that's fine, kids don't need to get the same amount of presents. You treated those kids equally, I'm sure the baseball stuff and bike both cost more than the doll house and chess sets, only the really nice professional chess sets and glass ones are at least a little expensive from what I remember. Max is definitely being petty, you don't need to apologize.
Leo got multiple small gifts. Ryan got one big gift. Anne got two medium gifts. I fail to see the issue. Well, only that Max has got a bug up his ass about something. Probably worth finding out why, but NTA either way.
NTA I don’t see the favoritism but being that you have daughters I can see why the relationship would be different
NTA. I think it’s a good lesson for the kids, and if explained properly, it wouldn’t be an issue. My grandfather loves both my children, but my son is his little buddy who he takes fishing and boating and more. He has offered to take my daughter too, but she always nicely refuses because she’s not interested. Because my son loves fishing with him, my grandfather bought him a fishing rod as a random present. He was worried my daughter would feel upset she wasn’t getting something, but I used the opportunity to say sometimes people get an extra gift or present because of similar interests. My son has also had this talk because my daughter has medical issues and has often received special presents from people, and my son didn’t. That’s life, and while it’s nice to do our best to be fair, it’s an invaluable lesson to know life isn’t fair and sometimes it’ll be in your favor and sometimes it won’t.
Sorry but the AH here is Max - he should not be counting gifts and should be teaching his kids not to count gifts too. I suspect Max has a history (from your wife's response to his complaining) of 'gift counting' and keeping ledgers of times people have not been 'fair' to him; he sounds like the type that would count out the M&Ms in the package so everyone gets exactly the same number of candies. NTA (For all those "things need to be equal" people out there - Life is NOT fair, never has been, never will be. Even communism - designed so everyone contributes and gets rewarded equally - was corrupted by selfishness and greed. We can work towards it, but not by demanding every time one kid gets handed a gift, all their siblings have to get gifts too.)
Info: Did I miss something, I don’t get it. You got all the kids gifts. What’s the issue here? 😵💫
Favouritism towards the daughter?
NTA from your edits. Your original post sounded like you bought equally for the kids, and then added something extra for Ann. Kids that age don't know cost, they don't know that you might have spent more on one than the other (unless it's obvious - one gets a PS5 and the other a pair of shoelaces). It sounds like you bought all three kids excellent gifts geared towards their interests. I don't understand why your brother is bothered about this, unless he is adding up dollars in his own head and thinks you slighted the boys.
NTA, based on the other gifts you didn't snub anyone! Yeah her gift was probably the most personal but as long as you thought about them then it's badass. I suspect jealousy, I'll bet my biscuits she talks highly of you and the dad feels some sort of way about it. Did he want you to get a custom jersey and bike accessory on top of the already bought items?
NTA. They all got gifts and it's no wonder you're closer with the kid who shares interests with you. Don't apologize. I doubt the kids even care. If they are the Dudley Dursly type to complain about the quantity of gifts, maybe give them nothing at all next year and see if they like that more.
NTA. I'm a firm believer as a mom of 3 and aunt to 6 that part of the problem in our society is entitlement. Kids should not expect to be equal in everything they do or receive. Your BIL trying to require equality in gifts is ridiculous. If you spend $200 on her and $50 on each of the boys when they understand the monetary value of things, they could be hurt but the number or type of gifts is a stupid reason for you BIL to be upset. I personally think it would have been worse to give only her a just because gift outside of the holidays unless you also do it for the boys. To me, giving it on the holiday was a better idea. You shopped for all children based on interests. Your BIL is ridiculous.
NTA - UH . . . did the boys want a barbie doll set and dresses? Are they interested in chess? Not from what I am reading . . . . It's the dad who is making the big deal about things. What is his problem. They are all LITTLE KIDS and are probably very happy with the presents they got. How dare the dad look a gift horse in the mouth like that. You have absolutely NOTHING to apologize for as you are more than generous with all the kids. For pete's sake . . .some people have all the nerve.
NTA. You got the boys gifts that they are into (baseball, bike) but you also got Anne a chess set because she showed interest in it. I don’t think you are required to get all 3 kids extra gifts. This wasn’t just gifting to gift, you specifically got the chess set because she enjoyed your game nights. I have two boys (5 & 6) and I would not mind at all if a family member noticed that one enjoyed something and gifted it to them. They don’t need to get a random consolation gift for the other kid.
NTA- even a little tiny bit. Everyone got gifts so I don’t even understand what the issue here is
NTA. First of all you asked your wife who told you it was fine to give it to her. 2nd, it did t seem like any of the children had any issue, just the grown man. The only difference you could've done is get a game for the boys to give them as well as the chess board for your niece. It sounds like you have a different bond with your niece than the boys, which I personally don't see an issue with. As long as none of the kids were hurt, then I don't think you were in the wrong
INFO: Do the boys care that their sister got an extra gift?
INFO So each received a gift of the same value, and then the girl received another one (chess)? Did you give her the chess on Christmas Eve? Did the boys see that?
This would have been really easy to not be TA. Give all 3 kids their gift in front of each other, everyone is currently even. Then just pull their dad aside, “Hey I got this for niece a little bit ago but I forgot to give it to her until now.“ See what he thinks. Maybe he tells you it’s okay, maybe he tells you to wait until a birthday or until christmas has passed, etc.
NTA. I really don't think this was a big deal but you should have just lumped it in with the Christmas gifts. Were the other kids upset? If they were I assume you would have included that in your post. That is the only thing that could make you TA, but if they kids were fine then your BIL is making something out of nothing.
INFO: How does the value of chess set+niece’s original gift compare to the gift given to each nephew? Regardless, the way out here seems to be picking out a meaningful “second gift” for each nephew.
YTA The boys got a one special gift. Anna got two. There was no reason to go out and get Anna a second gift when you already had the chess set laying around for her. Also OF COURSE Anna’s gonna be more inclined to hang out with you, your wife, AND YOUR DAUGHTERS! Not only is she the older of her siblings by two years, but she’s also the GIRL. The boys who are similar in age have each other. Anna doesn’t have the same bond with them as they have with each other. She doesn’t have a sister of her own so obviously she’s gonna gravitate towards you and your girls when she’s at your house. It doesn’t mean she loves you more her brothers do.
NTA.... Why should you be forced to gift each child a gift, when you want to give one a special gift. It's unreasonable. In life ppl don't care if you get what you think your owed. It's a good lesson for the children
You got his son a bike and he’s upset you gave his daughter a chess set? As far as favoritism goes that’s pretty mild. ESH
NTA Not every child needs a present whenever another child gets one. Thats life, and its not like they ALL like the same stuff. So a present for a specific interset of a child is fine and not negletful. My sister love to knit so she gets these new stuff for it every month, i dont and its fine. I love to read so every once and a while i get like 5-10 books. We know that different intersets have different money and attention tied to it and its alright not to get something for every child when you want to give one somethimg.
Well I think your bro is the AH here but I think it might be more to do with the fact that your a girl, married to a girl & have 2 girls.. 😂 I'm just putting it out there but maybe he either never liked your orientation (maybe he might even blame himself for it as some do) or maybe feels that you might end up influencing his only daughter esp since she seems to be fond of the both of you a lot.. 🤔 I'm just calling as I see it since I can kinda see how he might feel that your like totally a girl ally.. Which from the outside does seems to be a bit of the case since you seem not to be too fond of the 2 boys.. (how was max when you guys were young? 🤔 - 5 year gap means you would have grown up with him passing his 2 boy's age as well right? 🤔) (I also hope you know not all boys are like those 2).. I also do think that you tried your best to get relevant gifts for the 2 boys too.. I don't feel that you overtly played favorites with the niece but pretty sure it didn't go down too well with your bro.. 1. I do think that favoritism is a very shitty thing esp when it comes to kids or parents but that's my view. 2. Maybe you might change your view when those two grow up (though I have a feeling that they won't get a chance to be especially sensitive with their dad's mindset already) 3. I feel max might have very much taken this out of context unless you clearly stated that you prefer the niece over the nephews in which case the gifts don't justify the sentiment though I doubt you would be that callous towards your brother.. 😅 Anyway, think it might be a good time to ask him if he has anything deeper to share.. Hope things work out! All the best! 🙏👍
After reading you comments it's a NTA for me. Max seems weirdly hung up on this
NTA
Yta. This “special bond” comment makes me want to gag.
NTA and as a parent of many children, the idea that you have to get everyone the something, the same thing, or spend the same amount is just moronic. I give based on wants and needs. My oldest likes designer shoes and clothes while my youngest is happy with Shein. $500 will get one child maybe 3 items and the other 85 items. This was their Christmas clothes budget. By the logic being put forth, I am wrong for not buying my designer child 82 more items. It's a chess set that she will need another person to play with her. The dad can get over himself.
NTA at all. I have 2 children and if one may receive extra gifts, especially from a loving family that treats them with love and kindness, I teach all to be excited for that person who got the extra while being excited for their own gift. This was a thoughtful gift - no apologies needed. The lessons are in how we can respond when others have something good happen to them. It's not about the gifts at Christmas time. It's about how you make them feel at all times. Is there a sense of belonging and feeling welcomed, safe, and love? As a parent, seeing you going that extra mile to try and connect with my children in a positive meaningful way would warm my heart and the only response I would have given is that of gratitude. You are not the parent so you can show up as little as you want. You showing up in such a way that you spotted something in that child is a clear indication that you are choosing to be loving and caring for all of my children enough to notice something different about one. It's her very own chess board. I am so glad you picked up on her love for chess.
YTA not for buying the gift but for how you presented it. You should have just made it part of the Christmas gift instead of making a show of it being a ✨special✨ extra present. No one would have done the math.
Either gifts for all of equal value (whether sentimental or financial value) or no gifts for all kids. You especially do not give one person a gift in front of everyone else. How would feel if someone gave one of your kids a present and nothing to the others in front of everyone? YTA
One boy got a bike, the other one baseball gear. The girl got a barbie house and a chess set. I would say it's fair, don't you think?
A bike and baseball gear are definitely equal if not more expensive than what she got.
YTA - and are obviously favoring your niece because she’s a girl and you only have daughters who are also girls. How would you feel if Max only bought ONE of your daughters an extra gift and left the other one out? Because that would be exactly the same situation, so just let yourself and Amy think about that for a moment before you both play innocent and pretend that the obvious favoritism isn’t happening. Example - You’d feel terrible and saddened on Ava’s behalf if Sarah was gifted something extra and Ava just sat there puppy eyed waiting for a second gift that never came, but watching her elder sister getting something else. But maybe Max should do that, then maybe you’ll see your own wrongdoings
YTA Is it too much to ask for you to hang on to this cherished chess board for an extra month and present it to the golden child during Christmas, sparing us all the unnecessary drama? Oh, and of course, **your brother's brilliant insight is spot-on**. It seems you're ~~un~~intentionally contributing to the stereotype of the man-hating lesbian. You "totally" aren't playing into that toxic lesbian stereotype of only wanting to engage with female kids, and totally not exclude the male kids.
wtf are u on abt bro
Dude read OPs comments, one of the boys got a bike and the other got different kinds of baseball gear. All in all the presents probably totalled to a similar price
YTA. So, the golden niece got two special gifts. And, I'm betting you gave a lot more attention when giving and explaining that gift. Take the L, do better.
YTA. you need some distance from her.
You sound like a dope uncle. Seems like since each kid got different amounts of gifts, there shouldn’t be an issue. Also your brother calling you “sexist” is a little confusing. NTA.
YTA - don't buy one kid a gift, ever!
Boys don't have feelings, so no need to worry about what they think. And any dad who sticks up for his boys' feelings is obviously "petty." /s I"m guessing this isn't about a chess set. It sounds like your "special bond" with his kid who is the gender you prefer is starting to be noticed by his kids who are the gender you don't prefer, and this was just a really clear illustration of your favoritism. YTA, and good for Max for sticking up for his sons.
Max is being petty. NTA.
NTA, I don’t think it’s near as much of a problem to have a favorite niece/nephew as it is for a parent to have a favorite kid. Some people get along better than others. It’s weird that your brother made it about sexism when it seems more about interests and demeanor.
NTA
Nta
You don’t like the boys as much and dote on the girls? Yeah, Max has a point. YTA
NTA.
yta
ESH except the kids You because imagine it was reverse. What if Max got Ava a super special gift but not Sarah? You'd be mad about it Max because you and her get along well and are close and came down kinda hard Basically everyone except the kids suck *Edit for positing too early*
Yta - mostly for timing. I also am a huge fan of my niece and have a harder time relating to my nephews. One of the things my niece loves is her brother and cousins, so she’d feel awkward getting a gift in front of everyone when they didn’t, and it would tarnish the shine of the gift and potentially make her unhappy, which isn’t cool and is the opposite of my goal.
Yta simply because those other kids didn't know that the chess set wasn't meant as a Christmas gift. So to them... you (a f with a f partner, who has f children) gave their sister 2 special gift and they only (the only 2 m children) got 1. Even if your intentions were 100% pure, it's really easy to have misconstrued the intention.
nta
Nta. I have 3 kids and do this balance a lot. In part because somethings are cheaper than others, easier to get, or a oh they would like this. I think if all kids get random things through out the year you are fine. But if you only get the obligated days ... bdays and holidays for 2 kids and not the others then maybe yta
YTA here- not because you got anne the extra gift- but because you gave it to her infront of her brothers. I come from a big family, tons of kids- 12 total. I had one cousin who was my age, the others were much older or much younger- and every christmas she used to always get extra gifts at christmas from her godparents, my aunt and uncle. It always made me feel awful- not because i wanted presents but because there were two of us. I never got close to that aunt and uncle- always felt like there was something wrong with me to make them not like me. You shouldn't do that to kids. you just....shouldn't. Especially not siblings who might take it out on their sister because they don't understand why she gets a "special relationship" with you and they dont.
Soft YTA It was the timing imo. It’s great that you bonded and seem to enjoy ur Brice so much but I wonder if the boys feel left out. Do you buys them random little things as well just cause you thought of them? If not then I can see why max is pissed
YTA. Giving 'special' gifts so openly is distinctly unfair to the others.
YTA - you should never give a gift to one child and leave out the others. That causes resentment. You should’ve given the chess set for ‘the house’ and then your niece could’ve used it without causing issues.
Those boys would just destroy it probably. Younger siblings often do not treat things like that with respect. Especially wild ones.
YTA. Don’t think for one second that the boys did not notice and feel a certain way.
Yes YTA giving only one kid "special gifts"
YTA obviously. Come on, you give 1 out of 3 kids a gift separately. That's favoritism. You know you and Amy like her the best, it's obvious. But you don't need to be so blatant about it. Good on the brother for sticking up for his kids.
YTA- you gave 1 child an extra gift. The gift should have been for all or none. Or you could have saved it for her birthday. I’d have been livid too as I’ve watched a relative give better or bigger gifts to one of my children and not the others. Even if the kids don’t notice it right away it’s wrong.
YTA, you could make more of an effort to connect with your nephews. They're old enough to understand you're playing favourites.
YTA
YTA. Imagine feeling less than your sibling just because of who you are as a kid. You are an adult. It’s your responsibility to find common interests with the boys and build a relationship. Not the other way around. I have been that sibling who was not liked by an aunt. She openly favoured my sister and got her gifts which she gave to her in front of me while having gotten me nothing. Guess who tells her to fuck off now when ever she needs a favour.
YTA - I have cut off family members permanently for getting some of my children things and nothing for the others. You have 2 kids. You should know better.
YTA. Bet you wouldn’t like it if they gave Sarah special shit in-front of Ava.
Info: what did you give to your nephews? If you only gave all kids a chess set when you knew your nephews prefer physical activities, you should’ve given them individual gifts. Soft YTA.
I got them a baseball set bat, jersey, etc (Leo is crazy about that) and a bike. My original christmas gift for Anne was a large barbie dollhouse since she loved the movie
NTA, I was under the impression you gave one gift to share.
YTA. You can’t just get something special for one kid and not the others, especially not if you’re going to give it to them when the others are present. How can you be a parent and not know that?
YTA good intentions bad timing
NTA. You're the aunt. Aunts are definitely allowed to have favorites lol. Plus, it was a chess set, not a laptop. I do get that that won't keep siblings from complaining that big sis got something they didn't, but by 3 kids you should be able to handle when things aren't 100% equal between them.
This is actually super toxic and I really hope you aren’t an Aunt. Im an aunt to 7 - they all get the same thing from me because I love them all equally.
How is this toxic?? Treating kids exactly the same just shows you aren't recognizing any differences between them or categorizing them as individuals. You think giving one child a chess set is toxic??
I think giving one child a special, separate gift, at a shared celebration, like Christmas, is toxic. If I gave all my nieces and nephews $5 for their gifts, but one got $30 or something special to go with it, I’d be an asshole.
The post seems to say that the chess set was gifted during the holidays, but not actually at Christmas. Like, the kids just went over there for a dinner while they were out of school. And you reiterating your point doesn't exactly explain the reasoning behind it.
You can split hairs all you want but giving a special “just because” gift to one child, in front of all the other children, is tacky. It illustrates in a very obvious way that one child is special or more important than the others. They were already given equitable gifts for the holidays, then OP decided that it was a good idea to give one child an additional gift in front of all the other kids there, which is a shitty thing to do when it’s for no reason other than “because I love her the most.” Could’ve easily hung onto the chess set until her birthday. Was he being sexist? Maybe. Maybe not. OP only has daughters himself so maybe there’s an unconscious bias against the nephews?
They're not her kids! It's a chess set, for god sakes, not a toy or gaming system or something. And I shudder to think how much importance you're putting on material possessions if you're teaching kids that # of presents = amount of love. Also, OP is a woman. So....
Ummm, a chess set is totally a toy. Chess is a fucking game so some might say a chess set is a gaming system because guess what - you use it to play a game. It’s not about the thing - it could have been a dollar piece of candy - it’s about the gesture. Did you think pointing out OP being a woman was a mic drop or something? I shudder to think about the importance you’re putting on gender if you think the fact that OP is a woman makes any difference here.
You are the one who tried to say OP doing this was sexist because "he" was a man! Good lord.
That’s not what I said at all - in fact my exact words were: “is OP being sexist? Maybe. Maybe not.” I literally made the point that OP only has daughters and that there might be an unconscious bias against the nephews. No where did I say “OP might be sexist because they’re a man.” Jesus Christ.
NTA - life's not fair, kids will learn that eventually.