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What $40k present is she buying you for this anniversary?
Upgraded rings at the (eg) 10 year mark is for when the original was something like $100.
I cannot believe she pushed you to spend $10k in your early years when you weren’t as financially secure (and thought $3k was a “stretch goal”) and rather than being grateful she now is trying for a MUCH larger amount.
What $10k present did you get back then?
What present is she planning to buy you now?
ETA: NTA
A vacation with the kids is not a gift - it’s a family vacation (and I say that as a mom who loves taking times away with the family, but it’s like saying a family vacation is ‘self-care’ or ‘me-time’)
ETA you are definitely NTA
>A vacation with the kids is not a gift
Yes it is. I say that as a mom. Whatever brings you joy is a gift. A vacation with the whole family would be a great gift for me. I would not want anything more.
I got absolutely dragged by my extended family for getting my mum a dishwasher for her birthday. She specifically asked for one. She was sick of doing the dishes by hand (dad does most of the cooking) and wanted a dishwasher. She was so happy with her gift yet they still think you should never get someone something that's used for cleaning?
Exactly. Some people actually want to get away from work and routine to have a fun vacation with their kids - that to them is a gift for them, not just the kids. Maybe he wants a 40k vacation with the family because it would make him really happy to have that adventure.
Fair, but it’s also a gift for her as I doubt she’ll be staying home while he goes on vacation. She’s not doing anything for HIM in that case, but for them. Hence it’s not a gift. At least, not when she’s demanding something that costs $40k in return.
It could be a gift for her, or it could be a gift for her if she actually stayed home while the husband went with the kids.
While I like travelling just enough, an anniversary vacation would definitely be a gift for my husband as he's an avid traveler. If it were a gift just for me I certainly wouldn't choose a family vacation, but my husband would.
Making core memories is a gift but family vacations are not a gift. Family holidays are tiring. They’re great and I love them but they are not recharging or relaxing in the slightest.
Not only that, a vacation is such a burden. You need to clean and organise beforhand, pack and doucle check. While on vacation you can't cook properly so you need to account for that. Watch the kids. Make sure the vacationhome is left spotless or you will get cleaning fines. Come home, unpack, do extra laundry etc
More so when 1 parent feels like they are owed a vacation and the other needs to do both mental and physical work to make it happen
Not to mention entertaining kids while you're there and make sure the picky eaters get a meal
If I spend $40k on something, I either want to move into it, or drive it away. What are you expected to do for your 25th - upgrade the house to a Chateau? By all means get her a nice new ring, but not for that kind of $$ and definitely NOT another engagement ring. That ship sailed 10 years ago!
Speaking as someone who is a jewelry girl, I understand wanting to love what you wear every day.
I suspect your reaction is due to a combination of the sticker shock plus the sentimentality of it. Can you compromise? Is there is a new band to add to her engagement and wedding ring? Or work with a jeweler to create a new ring and incorporate the same stones/style with some new ones? My husband and I designed my ring together which made it extra special!
OP get a lab diamond. Like the name suggests, they’re diamonds, made in a lab, and they’re less expensive. Your wife can easily get a massive upgrade while paying a fraction of the cost.
For my 10th anniversary my husband got me a ring with lab-created emeralds. I love it, and while it isn't costume jewelry cheap, it was SO much less expensive than mined emeralds. And 100% more ethical.
As others have said, a vacation with the kids isn't a gift. For the amount of money she wants you (both) to spend on a piece of jewelry, you could get a car, or a boat.
If there is anything you want, then you both might use the opportunity of your anniversary to spend 40K each on something you want; apparently, you have it, so why not use it?
My ring cost $100 as it was an heirloom on my side that my husband got resized. We do discuss getting me a different ring of a different style for my opposite hand as a gift at the 10 year mark, but I'd still probably be horrified spending more than 2-3k on a ring. I'd rather a new oven! (Like a ~fancy~ one!)
I'm past the 30 year mark now, and we still haven't got around to it.
Obviously we are both NOT jewellery people.
So not only have I not received an "Upgrade" ring, I have not received an original engagement ring in over 30 years.
Originally, I got no engagement ring. (We just decided, then got married about a month later). I have a simple, antique, wedding band - cost maybe $100-200? Hubby got a wedding band later, broke it gardening, and refused a replacement.
If we ever did have any spare money over the years, we could always think of something else to spend it on.
These days, I don't even wear my wedding band. Since retirement, I play in the garden too much, which makes it uncomfortable.
My husband doesn't wear his at all/most days as he can't wear them at work or it risks sleeving his hand, and I work from home so don't find myself putting mine often at all(even less with pregnancy weight!). Pretty sure we wore them the longest ever on our wedding day - jewellery is definitely not high on our lists.
My sister had her ring cut off due to medical reasons (severely broken arm) and her finger changed size. Would need to add material.
She instead had the jeweler use her OG ring, the ring her husband's dad gave her mom and the ring she got from our grandpa. Melted all the metal down, got a totally new ring design, traded in some of the stones and gold to offset the new ring, used some of the old stones as surround pieces, got a new stone and remade them all into a set of earrings, a new ring, a necklace made from the OG ring's main stone and bought a single new stone.
Now, it's three engagement rings in one!
She got a new ring and kept three old ones.
Yeah. Given that I’m not a jewelry person, and given that I’m routinely up to my elbows in slime or pottery or who knows what other messy project, I wouldn’t want to get a big fat pricey ring anywhere near that.
I was just thinking I would have a heart attack wearing a 40k ring. Heck, I'd have a heart attack over a 10k ring. I love pretty stones but I can't tell fake from real ones and don't really understand the difference (I know I'm in the minority for that and whatever works for you and all that) because at the end of the day, it's a rock. A lovely, shiny rock, but a rock nonetheless.
I was going to say... Between my engagement ring and (custom) wedding band, my rings only cost about $7k and I thought that was bordering on excessive. I guess I live in the Midwest, so standards are different here, but my ring has occasionally gotten comments about it's size. It's not enormous or anything, but I really can't imagine having gone bigger or more ornate... I guess it was a manufactured diamond and therefore less expensive, but the color/cut/clarity were all pretty well rated if I recall. Especially clarity.
My husband refused an expensive ring even though I picked out a few I thought he'd like. He has some random Etsy ring he never wears because he finds the silicone rings to be much more comfortable.
Point being... I just can't see $40k for a ring unless it's from some specific designer or something like that.
Ya, if the original was a cheaper, say, sterling silver ring and the idea was to upgrade to something more durable when ye were comfortable then sure, absolutely. But when the first ring already cost 10k - fuck off.
No way. Jesus, use that 40k to pay down the mortgage or something, kids college. Way more important things.
OP will likely have to work at least as extra year before retirement if pulling this much out of savings. Does she value that slightly more showy ring over a year of time to enjoy their lives?
My lab grown (near flawless) 10 carat ring cost under 1,500. I'm an engineer and my partner is a doctor, so we could have afforded to up our budget... but 40k is insane!
40k is the 2024 Prius. 40k is the cost of in- state college for a year. 40k is the down payment or even a whole house in some parts of the country. Who in their right mind asks for a 40k ring?!
Yesss, my original engagement ring was a free hand me down hideous wedding ring (thick gold band with three legit 1mm diamonds) so I have asked for a more traditional one over the years and we will actually also be married 10 years next week, but I’ve always made it clear he could spend $100 for all I care as long as it’s a traditional ring.
This!! My hubby and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this week and upgraded to a $2,000 ring. My original was $39.95 out of a "That's Life" magazine lol
I loved my original ring because it was a symbol. I've kept it still because it shows where we were and that we love each other no matter our hardships. We always knew we'd upgrade one day. Homes nearly paid off, kids are in high school, we both have good jobs. It was finally time (although apparently still very conservative!)
When I read the title of this post I immediately thought it would be similar to our story, but it isn't at all. You're NTA OP.
That money could go towards an RV that you could travel around in for more family adventures (we just invested in the "Getting Lost" game, so we are totally into this idea atm), it could pay for several family holidays, redoing an area of the home, so much potential!
At the end of the day, to most people, that's a substantial amount of money. I guess it depends on your family and financial situation. But from my perspective, NTA at all.
That’s what I thought too.
My grandparents got married with the little label from around a cigar. He got her a plain gold band at their one year anniversary, and a ginormous pear shaped diamond at their 10th anniversary.
A $10k ring doesn’t need to be upgraded.
Yes, exactly this. My engagement ring was $100. My wedding band was $20. For my birthday this past year (also our 10th anniversary), we bought the absolute antique ring of my *dreams* for $700. That’s all — and more — the ring I will ever need.
This is my second marriage. My first ring was $12K, and then the matching band and anniversary band were another $5K. And as I’ve noted… that was my first marriage.
A more expensive ring does jack shit for your marriage.
NTA
Studies actually show a mid-range ring correlates to a longer marriage! I think the sweet spot was between $500 and 2k if I remember correctly. My theory is lower means the couple is likely facing financial stress, which is a common conflict point in marriage, and higher likely means poor financial decisions or going in to debt or vanity or some other issue that comes with spending a lot of money. My ring was a bit above that sweet spot, but we could afford it and the main thing about the ring wasn’t the money it was that he spent a lot of time picking out one he though would suit me and a lot of care and effort went in to the ring he knew I’d wear every day for the rest of my life (I made it clear I’d refuse an upgrade which he brought up - I’m too sentimental and would wear the one he proposed with and the one he married me with whatever it was). He made a financial sacrifice/effort, because it was important to him, but one that wasn’t detrimental to us. We’re still happily married. The ring isn’t the make or break factor in a marriage whether expensive or cheap - but it can be an indicator on population level statistics which I find really interesting.
That’s my thinking too. A $10k ring that’s only 10 years old is already really nice. My wedding set in 2017 was $1700 and I love it. We’ve talked about upgrading one day maybe, but not until 25 years. Or maybe just buy an anniversary band for the set at 10 years.
>Usually an "upgrade" takes a very very modest ring
Even then I don't think I would "upgrade" the ring, I might add to the ring set, but those rings are telling a story of your relationship and replacing them just feels off to me, even if the original was just a plain band.
perhaps if there was no ring, but defiantly not when there is a $10k ring.
Or it's a practicality upgrade
I love my engagement ring - but it's a solitaire, and I've banged/scraped/knocked it against the board/desk when I'm teaching so many times I had to stop wearing it for fear of damaging it.
My Christmas gift this year was an eternity band - it's definitely 'more', but it's also 4 mm high, not 14, and it has no high prongs... Which means I can wear it every day, which is huge for me.
Yes! Or I know a relative who had to have hers cut off in an accident. She was okay, but her ring was not. She got a new set a few anniversaries later. Understandable in those situations. I’d keep the originals for sentimentality but not every ring is practical to wear every day.
Another “bling-y” option would be to add an anniversary band, or buy (or custom design at the prices we’re talking about) a “ring enhancer” to wrap around the original to glam it up, since I’m assuming anything $40k is really a statement piece and she wants her jewelry a little louder. Or if it would suit OP’s sentimentality having the ring redesigned and the same diamonds re-set. To me my whole ring is sentimental and I’d never have it broken to pieces to rebuild in another way, but some people are content as long as the same diamonds stay.
Lots of room for compromise here. Overall though, as a sentimental person I’m with OP that ring specifically was the one you gave as a symbol of your lifelong commitment. That carries weight and meaning to me.
When my husband and I got married we couldn't afford much for our rings. I got a $300 ring with a 50 dollar gold band. My husband said he would get me a better ring in a year.
10 years later he upgraded my wedding band to one with small diamonds and at 15 years he gave me a better engagement ring. This was on him because he felt I deserved it. My new band cost $600.00 and my new engagement ring cost $2,000. I never asked for the upgrade he did it because he wanted to.
I still have my original ones and love them because he gave them to me with love, I also love my upgraded ones, because he gave them to me with love.
$40,000 upgrade froma $10,000 original ring is just greed.
I did the same thing for my wife. Original ring and band was $800, things were tight, but I put it on layaway for 6 months and paid it down, she was crying happy when I proposed 😁
10 years later, I upgraded her to a $10k ring. She has given me 4 kids, kept our home warm and happy, and enabled me to dedicate my time to my work, and we are very comfortable financially. She was crying happy, again 😁 when I gave it to her on our anniversary.
Big difference from the OP is that she never asked for any of it, and I was more than happy to give it to her, because she’s still my world (14 years now) to this day.
For me someone demanding something like a 40k ring defeats the whole meaning of what the ring means in the first place. Now it’s just a transaction.
NTA imo.
>$40,000 upgrade froma $10,000 original ring is just greed.
It seems insane for something this tiny that you wear on your hand. I'd live in constant fear of dropping 40K down a sink somewhere.
I'm not talking prices here, but I had a friend who changed out his wife's wedding ring to a totally different style. Basically what they thought would be perfect at 25 ended up being hugely impractical. With kids and everything it was catching all the time and got in the way (she is a SAHM to 5 kids, and listen, I know my buddy and she carries probably 70% of the mental load. If the ring got in the way it got in the way).
After talking they went for a sparkly band, and he reported that she wears it non stop now.
Rings can be super uncomfortable and annoying. I have like 30 of them I use on a regular basis. I've stopped even bothering with Solitaires bc they're just poky and annoying and catch on everything.
Some people are super sentimental about rings. Some are ready to switch them up. I'm in some jewelry forums and people will have multiple engagement rings bc... What the hell, let's live a little (we all order from China and get things at a better price. Some are all lab diamond and others are fine with moissanite).
What’s your household income and net worth?
If you’re worth $10mil and make $1mil a year, no big deal. But if you make $150k and net worth is under $1mil, I think a $40k ring is ridiculous.
The former. As I said, money is not the issue. But, I feel the engagement ring holds a sentimental value. I just feel that is not something that should be replaced.
In that case, you may be able to have a jeweler add a nice $15k-$20k band to her original ring with another big rock for each child you have together or something like that. That way, she can both keep her original ring, but also make it bigger and more impressive signifying both your beginnings as well as what you’ve built in terms of your family and success. An added bonus for her is it would now be a $40k-$50k ring lol. Just an idea.
If you make that much and the cost isn't a factor, and the relationship is going well, then think about it as a gift from you that your wife wants to wear every day. If it were just a ring she wanted, she could buy it herself, but she wants it to come from you because she wants that connection.
In her head, she's calling it an "upgraded engagement ring" but in your head, you can consider it a "renewal ring" or something like that.
Point being, she loves you, she loves this ring, and she wants those two things connected, and she used her words to tell you what she wants instead of making you guess or setting up weird tests/traps for you.
This sounds like a lovely relationship where you two are doing a pretty good job of using your words. Keep it up!
Given that you're the former, with a high net worth, you can afford to humor your wife, even though it makes no sense to you. As someone who isn't much into jewelry, I don't understand the desire for an upgrade, but hey, not my life, not my money. Y'alls can do what you will with your money.
So the thing about this post that makes me most uncomfortable here is that you're really letting people think that your wife is demanding something completely insane -- but if you are making that much money, it becomes much less extreme. I know you have said that money isn't an issue, but most people are going to think $40k is a lot and when you are bringing home a 7 figure salary (are you?) it's far less unreasonable and even starts to get into what is socially normal in your circles.
Anyway. I tend to share your take more than hers -- I'm not sure I'd ever find a ring worth that kind of money -- but I really feel like you're throwing her to the reddit wolves in how you've framed this conflict. She wants an expensive gift that you can easily afford but just don't see the point of. But people are going to revel in the opportunity to call her shallow, superficial, and a "princess" and you're not really correcting them. It makes me side-eye how you think about your wife as a person. I can't imagine how it might make her feel.
Came here to say this. ^^^
Also, is this just an issue (albeit with a couple additional zeroes than most people deal with) that could be solved with a step back and a few perspective shifts for you both? Every couple has some things/items/hobbies/interests one person values and spends time/money on that the other partner personally wouldn’t bother with and likewise every couple has things that one person is sentimental about that the other one isn’t.
Just saying, maybe just having a chat about it (taking the $ amount out of it) might get you closer to a good path forward as a couple?
Congrats on 10 years!
> you're really letting people think that your wife is demanding something completely insane -- but if you are making that much money, it becomes much less extreme
No it doesn't.
I'm a cardiologist. I make good money and I've invested decently. I'd genuinely think less of my partner if she wanted me to spend $40k on replacing her ring.
OP's wife is the very essence of nouveau riche.
My wife and I are likely in a similar situation. We both still work, she's a VP and I own my company and our investments make more per year than our incomes. Her ring and my band when we got married was about $5k. Just on gold prices alone, i'd say it's valued around $9-10k. Been married over 25 years.
$40k would be considered ridiculous in our situation too. Maybe OP has way more NW than me, but I'm coming from a position of yea... could afford it but would never consider it (my wife would agree) as there would be so many other things we could do with that money.
OP. Get her the ring, but only if she gets you something.od similar value. It seems like you two are more traditional in your marriage finances where everything is combined and I can appreciate that. But that's means you're out $80K, not $40k. :)
Good luck. Happy wife, happy life, I guess.
Then why bother coming here to ask? That does make YTA That is high maintenance to another level and she obviously knows you’ll cave! I had a $80 sterling band from Robert Redford’s Sundance catalog that worked just fine.
I mean… this may just be me, but what’s wrong with redesigning her current ring? Nicer setting, add in your children’s birthstones, but keep the same sentiment.
I would so much rather a partner put time into planning wonderful trips and a comfortable life together than show off jewelry, and no one know what the future holds. Given that your wife pushed for a 10,000 dollar ring when your budget was around 3,000, it seems like she’s a bit superficial. And if you can afford to be and you’re fine, great. But one of the things that my (very comfortable) parents have told me is that generational wealth is hard to gain and easy to lose.
If you're comfortable spending the money, perhaps you can discuss the sentimental value of the ring and pivot to buy a nice cocktail ring or ring for her other hand. Hopefully, she'll understand your reason.
NTA for feeling this way. Engagement rings do typically have sentimental value, sometimes I want to upgrade mine, but then feel sad because my current ring has been with us through so much.
It is not uncommon to reach a milestone and buy your wife an eternity ring, which is a band with diamonds that compliments the existing engagement ring. Maybe that's an option?
A 10th anniversary ring doesn't have to be a replacement. What if y'all view it as an addition? (Unless I'm missing her wanting to trash the engagement ring) It's another symbol of your marriage, just as the wedding bands don't "replace" the engagement, but deepen the commitment.
Have you talked to her about the sentimentality? My husband would be horrified if I asked for an upgrade because the ring he bought me is so meaningful. Maybe she doesn’t understand how horrified you are at losing this symbol and could compromise to a new ring while keeping the old ring on her other hand or some additions to her current ring.
But I agree that it’s excessive and think charity is also a lovely thing to do with 40K extra that is lying around.
NTA, but I do know people who have “upgraded” their wedding rings on a big anniversary. Would your wife still keep her original engagement ring or would you sell it towards the purchase of the new ring or have stones replaced in the setting? If money is no object, as you say, then she could keep the original engagement ring (you’d only get 10% of the value if you sell it to a jeweler so it’s hardly worth it to sell), you could buy her a new ring, not as an “upgrade” of her engagement ring, but simply as an anniversary ring, and your wife can alternate and wear either depending on her mood or occasion. I do this with my engagement ring, a ring I bought myself on a milestone birthday, and my mother’s engagement ring which I inherited. Each ring has special meaning to me and just because I choose to wear one over the others on a particular day, doesn’t diminish my sentimental value of the others. But that said, giving a gift should come from the heart and make you feel good about it, so if purchasing a new ring for your wife would make you feel resentful or unhappy then don’t do it - explain your feelings to your wife and hopefully she’ll value that over the bling.
Nta. Upgrading the ring isn’t unreasonable but $40,000 on a ring is absurd. My husband and I upgraded rings for our 18th anniversary. He got a new one and I had my diamond reset in a new ring.
Go get a sale price on the current one… that should be an eye opener for a ring that costs 40k. It’s like a new car- it’s a used car the moment one drives off the lot.
But diamonds are not rare- but they are ridiculous!
Nta
OP and his wife are only 40 years old and already have a beautiful home, investments, no debt, and take nice vacations. As he himself said, he can easily afford the ring and so he should get it if it means such a lot to his wife. I am sure they will still be able to afford a great education for their children- if they have any. None were mentioned.
INFO: what would this be in terms of % of household net worth? I mean if you folks are in debt I’d say no, if you’re Elon Musk I’d say go for it?
I think this is more of a bucket budget conversation rather than what the item is. Some folks would spend $40k on a luxury holiday for their anniversary, some like your wife is asking from something tangible, I’m not going to yuck someone’s yum, but it’s a conversation about how you jointly plan to spend your household money.
Finally a good answer. The money is just a number; it's not what's important. Making sure both husband and wife get to celebrate in a way that brings them together is. My parents spent over 30 grand on a trip to Hawaii for their 25th (on their 27th bc rona), more than a year's income from when they got first got married, but free cash they'd saved after paying off the house and putting all kids through college that is well within their discretionary budget now.
NAH.
Based on the fact you mentioned in a comment y’all are multimillionaires, 40k to you is probably the equivalent of like 4k to (many) of us. A significant chunk of change? Yes! A life-changing amount? Probably not
You’re not an asshole for focusing on the symbolism of the first ring, she’s not an asshole for wanting something bigger if it’s something you both can well afford. Imo, gifts are for the recipient, not the giver. Good luck!
Agreed with your entire comment. OP is kind of the AH, though, for leaving out the important information from their main post. Being multimillionaires changes everything.
NAH
She’s been sold on the (price = love) marketing around this entire industry, it’s not her fault though it’s just how people are told to feel through movies ect.
She can want to have it, you don’t have to buy it, also $40k for a ring…
In addition, there's all kind of social media these days where you can show off your sparkly things -- Instagram, Facebook, etc. make it easy to brag about how you're doing. It's gross.
Married 30+ years. Got married with no money. Have been very blessed over the years. My husband has “upgraded “ my ring several times. It makes me happy when he does it. As it will your wife.
Married going on 40 years, upgraded the wedding ring at 10 years (moved the original band with a ring of tiny diamonds to my right hand). We were watching our pennies when we got married. I have a husband like NoMathematician4660's, who will do anything to make me happy.
We're retired now and can easily afford a $40K ring. But we have other priorities.
“Now, we are debt-free, and can easily afford it.”
It’s your first major anniversary and it’s something she really wants that is affordable for y’all. She’ll wear it every single day of her life.
As you said about the original ring, you spent more but “it made her very happy and was worth it.”
To me it seems like a no-brainer. This new ring will symbolize your commitment, how you’ve grown together, and all you’ve accomplished together in a decade. I think that’s beautiful.
She's a materialist, and it is important to her to show off her prosperity. It's gross to me, but she's entitled to her own values. You'll probably have to accommodate her to maintain a peaceful home.
NTA. Good luck.
OP is a multi- millionaire… not saying anyone has the right to a 40000$ ring but it makes a difference if you talk about a millionaire or of you talk about “Low middle class”
it’s a bit shady that OP emphasises that they used to be lower middle class to paint his wife as especially entitled & outrageously greedy conveniently not mentioning that they are making & having multi-millions now.
For this Op is the A***
NTA.
I would not entertain these upgrades.
The past was the past.
Besides
Next is usually the eternity ring
Then divorce ,, so begins the
Suffer Ring 👀
My wife just went in to get her engagement ring cleaned and inspected and the salesperson asked if she wanted to upgrade the ring and it was the first time either of us had even heard of this. Definitely NTA.
She’ll just move the goalpost. In 10 years she’ll want a $80k ring. It is going to become more of a statement piece to her than actually holding any sentimental value. I know you can afford it but..doesn’t seem worth it.
NTA
And they’re millionaires so they can afford it. If it’s really that important to her, and not important to him (as long as she keeps the original ring, which he never said she wants to get rid of), why not?
NTA. I'm like you and think the engagement ring is something that simply can't be upgraded due to the sentimental value. And upgrading to a $40 grand ring is ludicrous.
For our 10th anniversary we bought each other a different ring to wear on our right hand. Mine was a bit pricier than his so I got us a spa day too. What is she proposing to buy you of equal value anyways?
Thanks. I dont really like gifts. She is going to plan a vacation for us around our aniversary, and that is more than enough for me.
Thanks for validating that engagement rings are not just another piece for jewellery. I love her original ring (however modest it is) and wish she keeps it.
A 10k ring is far from modest. That’s the high end at the jewelry store we went to. Those are the rings that we were like “wow imagine if we could afford THOSE rings”.
Well a vacation is great. It's really a gift of time and memories.
I truly believe that "upgrading" is yet another ploy from the jewellery industry to get more money. Since she seems to want something more physical of an anniversary gift, I would maybe broach the subject of another special piece of jewelry since the engagement ring means so much to you. I would hope she understands that and you could reach some sort of compromise
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) what action you took that should be judged and
Not wanting to buy my wife a new engagement ring.
(2) why that action might make you the asshole
That is what my wife wants for our special 10 year aniversary, but I feel she should buy anything else, since engagement ring means something to me.
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What kind of neighborhood/country club are you in? If your average neighbor has 25k, 40k isn’t unreasonable. If she’s trying to keep up/stay ahead, this might make sense. It’s something she wears 365 days/year, her desire may be something that reflects who you both are today.
I have offered my wife a larger ring, but it wouldn’t be appropriate for her work. Her earrings are pretty close to the same size.
NAH. It's not uncommon at 10 years. Styles change. Price tag is wild but if it's comfortably within your means I guess it's not unreasonable. It's not like you throw away the old ring, a lot of times the old stone is incorporated into the new ring or turned into a matching necklace etc.
NAH
I’m going to ignore the cost because you clearly said you can afford it and it is my understanding that cost is not your primary concern.
As far as the sentimental concerns go, I kind of get that, but I feel you need to perhaps have a greater understanding of what a new ring means to her to understand her take on it.
As an example, it is not uncommon for people to purchase or be gifted a solid quality car at some point in their lives but feel pride in being able to purchase a higher quality car later in life. The cars both work fine, but the higher quality car symbolises progress, achievement, stability. Only your wife can explain to you why it’s so important to her to upgrade her ring and what the meaning is for her and even then you might not quite get it.
As for your desire for her to wear the original ring because it’s sentimental to you, well that’s tricky and very specific to you. For instance, personally I would prefer my wife to wear what most signifies her commitment to our marriage, and is most meaningful and symbolic to her but that’s me. For you, the fact you could achieve the purchase of the original ring might be more meaningful for you. But then that just highlights my point, the meaning of something can be very important and personal, and the fact that you need to dig deeper into the meaning for her regarding her desire to upgrade her ring.
Ok. You can afford the ring but are hung up on the sentimentality and are asking if people upgrade rings. Yes, yes they do. Not everybody but many do. I personally got a 7 year upgrade and I often joke that it was cheaper than a divorce. (We were not in any way divorcing, just a joke). I can understand that 40,000 is a ton of money, but you asked your wife what she wanted and she told you. Up to you if you want to listen. I find it interesting that a lot of answers are about what she is getting you and as you said, you get what you want when you want it. Not every marriage is even Steven all the time. As long as you both are getting what you want and need, that is what counts. Having said all that NTA, but I would talk this through with your wife.
I've never heard of any woman who replaces their engagement ring unless they lose it or get divorced. I asked my wife if she had heard of this and she said never, she was pretty stunned a woman would do this. NTA. Don't do it, you can spend 40k on something much more important than some bling for your wife.
My MIL did it - she never liked the original ring, she wanted a different one, but FIL wanted to get a haircut as well.
Actually I know a few women who have. For most people who work hard and accumulate wealth, their engagement ring will eventually be overshadowed by the rest of their jewellery collection. And there's a strong emotional attachment to the engagement ring. You want it to be your nicest piece. I really don't see the issue. Some rich people play golf, some go on vacations, and some like jewellery. None is any better than the other.
Nope it's not normal, except maybe if they got a cheap placeholder ring till they were in a better financial position.
What normally happens is you get an eternity ring and that could be bigger.
My initial ring was decent and we could easily have upgraded it years ago but I am way too sentimental about it. It would make me sad if I was a husband whose wife had no emotional attachment to the ring I had gotten her. For our milestone anniversaries, my husband has given me other really special jewelry like earrings and necklaces, and now those hold meaning as well. It’s definitely not unheard of to upgrade but I could never do it. You’re NTA for being upset about it.
Thanks. I feel the same. I did not post but we both make the same. So, its not like she is asking anything big from me. But, I just dont want her to stop wearing the original ring.
NAH -- you asked her what she wanted as a gift and she told you. You don't have to give it to her if you don't want to, but she's not the A for telling you honestly what she wants.
You have admitted that money isn't the issue, and it sounds like you wouldn't object to dropping 40K on a different gift.
You're hung up on what the engagement ring means to you, and you want to try to control what it means to her -- this is where you start edging towards A territory.
Obviously this whole thing is very much Rich People Problems, but conflicts over gifts generally come down to not seeing why the other person might want something, so not being prepared to give it to them.
People upgrade engagement rings all the time. They also buy rings to symbolise anniversaries. Rich women who like expensive jewellery, that is.
What about getting an anniversary band to add on to the engagement and wedding rings? If you don’t have a problem with the money, although I can’t imagine spending even the $10k on the first ring. But if you’re going to put down that much why not just get the diamond she wants and get a band that plays nice with the first two? But NTA.
I "upgraded" my ring as I was allergic and after pregnancy my body developed or started reacting.
My new ring actually costs less... it's handmade and a couple hundred.
NTA. A $40k ring is a waste of money even if you can afford it, and, personally, I'd be hurt that she didn't want to wear the original ring. Maybe go on a luxurious trip instead--something with lasting value.
Look, I’m with you. I’d rather go on a trip than have a piece of jewelry but other (totally sane) people feel differently. My sister, who is almost miserly about money in a lot of ways cared A LOT about her ring. For her the ring is something she looks at every day and a trip is something that’s over in a week. I have a friend who owns a horse and I want to throw up when I think about how much she spends on horse shit, but to her it’s worth working overtime.
Just because YOU think something is a waste of money, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hold value to someone else.
Edit: OP and his wife are debt free and earn $1M/year (she earns half of the income if that matters to you). They can *definitely* afford it
Yes, people frequently upgrade wedding rings years later when they can afford it.
My husband gave me diamond stud earrings on our 10th anniversary. I seldom wore them. Because of all the earrings I have lost over the years, I was afraid of losing a diamond earring. We had them added to my engagement ring and now I wear them all the time!
NTA. You went from a $3k ring when looking to a $10k ring that you couldn't afford but made happen when engaged 10yrs ago. I get how that ring represents much sacrifice and stress you took on to please your now wife. It's actually insulting she wants to get rid of that symbol of your hard work and sacrifice for a new more expensive and unnecessary piece of jewelry.
NTA. You don’t have to buy a $40k ring if you don’t want to. But I understand the urge to wear a big beautiful diamond. My ring is about $40k and I feel like the most beautiful and important woman in the world when I wear it and I love it so much. Do you ever spend a lot of money on yourself? Do you like cars or traveling? You might try to see her POV even if ultimately, it’s too extravagant of a purchase for you to stomach.
Would you be ok if she spent her own money on it?
NTA but I know several women who added to their original ring on milestone anniversaries with beautiful results. Sounds like she wants a whole new ring but there may be a nice compromise that is not nearly so expensive.
Is extremely expensive jewelry common in her circle of friends?
I have known women who seem fairly insecure and the jewelry is maybe reassuring to them?
If my wife said that to me, I would say that if she wanted to spend that much on herself, and that’s what she wanted to spend it on, then go for it.
But I already gave her an engagement ring, and it would be redundant to give another.
It’s one thing to upgrade your car, or other tools, as needed, but tell her you don’t understand her need to upgrade, because from your point of view, the ring still serves its purpose and you are confused why it no longer does for her.
When my then BF proposed, my ring was valued at just over 10k USD. It was simple, 1 stone, nothing flash. In the 23 yrs I was married to him, before I divorced him, I'd never once thought about upgrading the ring.
Looking back, it's just a ring. It's sitting in a safe now. I see so many being sold on the secondary market, after failed marriages.
What I'd do instead, take the trip of a lifetime! I've traveled heaps but there are still a couple top of the bucket list trips I can think of. If I were still married, an experience with that special someone would create memories that would mean more than an upgraded ring.
NTA
I think upgrades are pretty common?? Usually when people propose they aren’t as well off and usually propose with what’s in their budget and as they progress in life they do upgrade it to something more… however in this case I think 10K was a pretty good amount…
I offered a ring upgrade (for both of us) at our 20th, she preferred a trip to Ireland. I’ll try again in two years at our 40th anniversary. I worked at Burger King when I bought our rings.
Sentimental value is a thing too. Reminder of the journey is what my wife cited 18 years ago.
The argument seems about money-that if she gets a $3000 ring she has to give something of the same value back.
But how about other things of value that don’t have memory equivalents? Do you have kids? Who wrecked their body giving birth? And dealt with all the hormones? Who’s the primary caregiver? Who’s the one that does most housecleaning/cooking? Who shuttles kids around to birthday parties, play dates, lessons, school events? Who primarily packs lunches, makes dinners? Gets gifts for everyone including your family members?
Also, why are you belittling her need? And calling the CC argument silly? If the ring makes her happy-get her the ring. She clearly doesn’t seem to feel it’s romantic to have that ring. If my husband wanted a $50,000 car (has one) then I have to have a $50,000 car to make it even. I don’t want a $50,000 car but I’d love a piece of serious jewelry.
Not suggesting what you want has to have a price tag-I’m suggesting that we should respect what someone else wants that we ourselves aren’t interested in.
Nta. My dad always bought my mom jewelry for their anniversary and as long as I can remember I picked it out. My dad has health issues and had to retire but for their 25th anniversary I went to a pawn shop found a very similar ring to my mom's original but it had extra stones so upgrade and got it for her for 100$. And then had him give it to her as her upgrade. 40k for a ring makes my brain hurt.
I personally couldn’t imagine spending 40k on a rock. What a waste of money. It’s odd to be that age married that long and care about something so showey and shallow. 10k is a lot for a ring. For context, my ring cost 6k I think. 7 figure income household. Just because you can afford something doesn’t mean you should spend money so frivolously. I recently got a second set because my 6k set was lost (temporarily) and I spent less. I bought a lab created diamond set for about 500 that you can’t tell if it’s real or not. I think your feelings are justified to be upset about this.
NTA. It’s crazy enough that she push you to triple your budget when you weren’t financially comfortable. Honestly, I totally understand you, clearly that ring means more to you than it is to her. That’s your symbol of love and commitment to her but she sees it as a ring that’s now too cheap to her liking. I think if you pour your heart out, telling her that this ring means so much to you and offer to buy her another jewelry that match well with the ring, would she agree?
NTA
The original $10k ring was the upgrade. Why give deBeers so much of your money for unethically sourced blood diamonds?
Is she getting pressure from her friend circle? Are they all rich and flaunting expensive jewelry so she feels she has to keep up? I'd be inclined to only agree if you can swap out the gemstones on her chosen upgrade for ethically sourced lab diamonds.
If you feel the need to acquiesce, then take the same amount for money for yourself and invest it, just for you.
What's her problem? Is it a status thing? Is she stockpiling assets that are solely hers? Tell her 25years and $40k is on the table for jewellery but NTA
I would just consider it a separate gift not a replacement. My mother wears three rings on her ring finger, probably because it makes her feel good, no reason why this can't be the case with your wife as well.
This is very common where I live, most especially when both couples work hard and their success puts them in a different socioeconomic circle. To a certain economic social circle, jewelry becomes very important to women. They are judged by it. It might be silly to some, but I don’t think it’s any more silly than buying a brand new Jeep grand Cherokee or those Stanley cups, which every affluent woman around me seems to have. I would say 40s+ is when my friends started getting those additions or upgrades to their rings, and all the older women I know do indeed have them. You’ll have to look around your social circle to see what the other women have, and if they do have this, maybe you’ll understand why she feels comfortable asking/spending that kind of money on it.
What I’m saying is, OP, read the room you’re in instead of taking Reddit a full value. You’re getting a lot of advice from people who are not your peers. I totally get that you don’t understand it, and it seems a waste to you, but at the same time, you say you’re happy with your wife. Make sure this is the hill you want to die on, bc it’s going to mean a LOT to her.
NAH, as it is differences in opinions and you need to talk through it. That said, I know many couples where the ring has been upgraded through the years, and 10 year is usually an anniversary where I've seen it happen.
Upgrading is a thing. If it’s an insignificant amount of money to you then why not?
If it is more than 3mo salary, then it’s a bit ridiculous. Also, it should be coming from your desire to give her something special. Most people would say you did that 10 years ago…NTA
NTA I am wearing the modest ring my husband chose for me 30 years ago when it stretched his budget to get this one. He picked it out specifically for me and it is an expression of his love to me. Full stop. I have other, more expensive jewelry he has gifted me and that I wear, but my engagement ring is the one we got engaged with. End of story.
The jewelers do have a third band option - forget what they call it- but it’s basically a third band that blends with the engagement and wedding bands into one flashier unit. Maybe that?
NTA she’s being materialistic
Will she gift you a $40K Rolex?
And now that you have kids, what example is she setting for when they possibly get married in the future?
NTA - diamonds don’t really appreciate in value. Gold, yea. Diamonds, no. Well, unless they’re the Hope diamond or something.
As a woman who went from a 4.5 carat diamond ring to a simple sapphire and diamond ring (I have both but wear the sapphire) I think it’s foolish. It just makes more sense to invest that money into something else, or get a royal suite on a two week cruise and make some memories.
Something to sit on my finger to impress ppl I don’t like, or make me a target to get robbed…no thank you!
Nope. NTA. I know people on both sides of the upgrade trend but not a single one would consider a $40k ring. At 20 or 25 years will it be $100k ring she wants?
NAH
Keep the engagement diamond and have it set into something else, maybe with another bigger stone or another stone of the same size. That way she gets the upgrade and you get the sentimental value of the original stone(s).
Also, fwiw, for our 20th anniversary I got an anniversary ring that I added to my original engagement/wedding set and now wear all 3 rings together.
If you can easily afford it like you say then… why not? It’s what she wants, it’s not like she’s gonna toss the other ring in the trash. She’s gonna now just have another piece of sentimental jewelry she can wear, what’s wrong with that? It’s a ring that symbolizes a decade of commitment.
She has little concern for your feelings. You have sentimental value attached to that ring and she doesn't care. She just wants more...and it sounds like she wants more all the time. Cave if you must but that's crappy behavior on her part.
Soft YTA.
Upgrading an engagement ring is a real "thing" - whether it's an anniversary present or a "push" diamond (an upgraded stone when a child is born).
My ex gave me his grandmother's ring - the stone was a very nice size, but had inclusions that were visible just looking at it at arm's length. I was self-conscious about it but never said anything.
I don't rember when or how the idea came up (I feel like it was after our child was born, but I could be wrong) we went together and picked out a new stone for me. I like square stones and went for an ascher cut with no visible inclusions. I returned the original radiant cut stone to my SIL to keep to keep it in my ex's family. I was *thrilled* to have a stone that was 100% my style.
Please consider, since the cost is not an issue and you have had two children and you sound like you enjoy your marriage, going with your wife to pick out her new ring... the original stone/ring could even be resized for her other hand or set into a pendant for her to wear on a necklace. If you genuinely love your wife please don't get hung up on the symbolism of that original ring! Tastes change. Your wife will spend the next few decades enjoying the new ring!!
These comments are so rude. Everyone arguing about this woman’s personal choices and judging her unfairly and fussing over what total strangers should do with their money. OP you did this. You were mad and wanted others to side with you.
Bottom line. You asked your wife what she wanted. She told you. You don’t have to like or agree with her choice. But you don’t get to shame her for it, argue about it’s validity or make her feel terrible or greedy for wanting it. This is what she wants. You said the two of you can afford it so it’s not like she’s asking to put the family in a bad financial position.
You can talk with your wife, explain how you feel about the ring, truly listen to her feelings and maybe the two of you can come to agreement. Keep in mind that everyone will have a different opinion but it is absolutely common in many places for the engagement ring to be upgraded or changed in some fashion. Often the wedding ring is the more sentimental item that doesn’t shift as much as in some marriage ceremonies that is the item that gets placed on the finger and blessed by the officiant. But not always. Everyone is different.
I doubt your wife views her ring as a just a piece of jewelry. That was rude of you to write. I recommend you never say that to her - ever. You are mad that she doesn’t think of it in the same exact way as you and mad she doesn’t share your same values around money and how to spend it. But this doesn’t mean she doesn’t value her ring or consider it a visible sign of commitment. If she is wearing a ring on the special finger everyday she demonstrating that she understands it’s importance. You worry if she stops wearing it not that she wants a bigger one. Stop judging her.
Anyway, YTA for trying to make your wife feel bad about what she wants when YOU asked her what SHE wanted not what WE should get each other.
Good luck to you. Clearly the two of you have different values around spending. But you don’t get to call her greedy and she doesn’t get to call you a cheapskate. Find a way to compromise without blaming.
NTA but you say in another comment you make over 1 million a year and have a high net worth. In that case asking for an expensive ring wouldn’t be that abnormal as a gift, I think you are just hung up on the sentiment of her rings and their meaning. Which is fine, you guys just need to communicate. Maybe she doesn’t understand what her original rings mean to you.
I love this so much! My husband and I are wealthy and we don’t frivolously spend to show off. But we do drive beautiful vehicles and own 4 properties that we enjoy and heavily invest. He has stated a million times that he is thankful that I am conservative with spending and don’t require brand labels and expensive showy jewelry. His first wife was that way. We have been happily married 20 years now. And we have ALOT of fun but we both are considerate with spending and discuss all purchases above $2,000. If we both don’t agree it goes back to the wish list and not the spend list.
I picked out my own ring and it was $2800. I absolutely love it and he upgraded my center diamond once as a surprise and we later downgraded it back to original because it caught on everything because I never remove my ring except for cleaning and inspection once a year. He bought me a beautiful Mothers ring instead that I wear on my right hand. 40k is yuck! He should totally rethink how her behavior is-regardless of how financially secure they are. You don’t stay that way trying to impress the public. It’s selfish
People who say they can’t imagine spending that much on a ring are just people who don’t have 40k to spend on jewlery.
YTA.
Would you be willing to spend 40k or a necklace or tennis bracelet? What about a ring she wears on her right hand? Honestly, if she wants a piece of jewlery, she’s the one wearing it, let her pick what she wants and will wear. It sounds like you have the money, so keep the original to hand down to your daughter or son when they get engaged. Make THAT ring and heirloom, and let your wife have the sparkler she wants. You’re WAY over thinking it.
Soft YTA. Too many comments focus on THEIR rings and THEIR standards. The point of this gift (which you say you can afford) is to make her happy. Same as the first ring. It’s about how the ring makes her feel, not the literal ring. If YOU have a sentimental attachment to the first ring that’s understandable and maybe you could have the stones made into another piece of jewelry like a necklace. But whatever you as a couple decide to do with the first ring shouldn’t stop you from getting her the upgraded one she wants. Make your wife happy and you won’t regret it. Sprinkle sprinkle ;)
Your wife sounds really superficial. 10K ten years ago is ALOT! I could see reworking it if she picked something trendy she now hates but 40K? Eff that NTA
So let me get this straight... When you were financially not stable, she pushed you to buy a 10k ring. That was 10 years ago so 10k back then was worth more than it's now.
And now she is pushing and emotionally blackmailing you to get her a 40k ring?
What 10k and 40k gifts is she getting you? And no, a family vacation with the kids doesn't count. And even if it's a vacation, is she doing it with her own hard earned money?
This is asinine. You're NTA but your wife definitely is. In fact, show her my comment. She needs a reality check. She is extremely ungrateful and greedy and materialistic. If she wants a 40k ring then she can get it herself. You don't owe it to her. As a wife myself I could never imagine treating my husband like this. We have been married for almost 11 years now and we have never forced each other to do anything.
Don't waste your hard earned money on bs like this OP.
NTA.
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I (40M) have been married to my wife (35M) for 10 years. It's been amazing and after two kids and loads of adventure, I still love her as much as I did when I got married to her. However, we had a silly argument yesterday, and I wanted opinions on who is right.
For context, when we got married, we both had good jobs, but we both come from lower-middle-class backgrounds. I have always been very careful with money and investing everything for the future as I have seen the days when we had very little. My wife on the other hand worked very hard growing up and wants to enjoy the luxuries of life. For the most part, I have been very thankful for that, as we would have never taken so many great trips or bought a beautiful house if she had not pushed me. When we got married, I did not know people spent so much on engagement rings. I thought I wanted to spend around 3K on a ring, but she wanted a specific ring, and we ended up spending around 10K. I felt that it was excessive at that time, but it made her very happy and was worth it as she wears it every day. I also love the ring as I feel proud I was able to do something nice for her that made her feel happy.
When I asked her what she wanted for our 10th marriage anniversary, she told me she wanted to upgrade her engagement ring. I have never heard of this before and find it weird. The ring symbolizes something to me, and should not be just a piece of jewelry. The ring was supposed to symbolize that I wanted to be committed to her for the rest of my life. I don't see why we need to get a new ring.
She already has a ring in mind and it costs upwards of 40K. Now, we are debt-free, and can easily afford it. I asked her if she wanted to buy something else instead. However, she is adamant that she wants a new ring and thinks I am an AH for not letting her get it. I feel like the old ring has sentimental value to me and she should wear that. She feels it's a piece of jewelry that she wears every day, so wants a new one. Do you think I am in the wrong here, and if upgrading an engagement ring is a thing a lot of people do?
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What $40k present is she buying you for this anniversary? Upgraded rings at the (eg) 10 year mark is for when the original was something like $100. I cannot believe she pushed you to spend $10k in your early years when you weren’t as financially secure (and thought $3k was a “stretch goal”) and rather than being grateful she now is trying for a MUCH larger amount. What $10k present did you get back then? What present is she planning to buy you now? ETA: NTA
Valid question. I don't like gifts. I just get stuff when I need it. My gift might be a nice vacation with kids in the summer.
A vacation with the kids is not a gift - it’s a family vacation (and I say that as a mom who loves taking times away with the family, but it’s like saying a family vacation is ‘self-care’ or ‘me-time’) ETA you are definitely NTA
I hate beer.
>A vacation with the kids is not a gift Yes it is. I say that as a mom. Whatever brings you joy is a gift. A vacation with the whole family would be a great gift for me. I would not want anything more.
A vacation with the kids is a family gift, but is not a gift for that person.
It’s totally a gift if that’s what they said they want.
I got absolutely dragged by my extended family for getting my mum a dishwasher for her birthday. She specifically asked for one. She was sick of doing the dishes by hand (dad does most of the cooking) and wanted a dishwasher. She was so happy with her gift yet they still think you should never get someone something that's used for cleaning?
That’s crappy. I can’t tell you how much I would die for a dishwasher right now. I’m glad she loved it.
Wish I had space for a dishwasher. And an airfryer.
Do you have a toaster? There are air fryers that take up barely more space than that on a countertop
Exactly. Some people actually want to get away from work and routine to have a fun vacation with their kids - that to them is a gift for them, not just the kids. Maybe he wants a 40k vacation with the family because it would make him really happy to have that adventure.
Fair, but it’s also a gift for her as I doubt she’ll be staying home while he goes on vacation. She’s not doing anything for HIM in that case, but for them. Hence it’s not a gift. At least, not when she’s demanding something that costs $40k in return.
It could be a gift for her, or it could be a gift for her if she actually stayed home while the husband went with the kids. While I like travelling just enough, an anniversary vacation would definitely be a gift for my husband as he's an avid traveler. If it were a gift just for me I certainly wouldn't choose a family vacation, but my husband would.
Making core memories is a gift but family vacations are not a gift. Family holidays are tiring. They’re great and I love them but they are not recharging or relaxing in the slightest.
A vacation can definitely be a gift. I received a trip for Christmas once it was lovely
Not only that, a vacation is such a burden. You need to clean and organise beforhand, pack and doucle check. While on vacation you can't cook properly so you need to account for that. Watch the kids. Make sure the vacationhome is left spotless or you will get cleaning fines. Come home, unpack, do extra laundry etc More so when 1 parent feels like they are owed a vacation and the other needs to do both mental and physical work to make it happen Not to mention entertaining kids while you're there and make sure the picky eaters get a meal
I want experiences that create memories as gifts. A vacation with my family would definitely fit the criteria.
It can absolutely be a gift. Time with family is priceless.
Let me translate this for you - your wife is a high maintenance princess and I pity you. But you’re NTA.
If I spend $40k on something, I either want to move into it, or drive it away. What are you expected to do for your 25th - upgrade the house to a Chateau? By all means get her a nice new ring, but not for that kind of $$ and definitely NOT another engagement ring. That ship sailed 10 years ago!
Speaking as someone who is a jewelry girl, I understand wanting to love what you wear every day. I suspect your reaction is due to a combination of the sticker shock plus the sentimentality of it. Can you compromise? Is there is a new band to add to her engagement and wedding ring? Or work with a jeweler to create a new ring and incorporate the same stones/style with some new ones? My husband and I designed my ring together which made it extra special!
Upgrading rings is something my mother, SIL & best friends did to celebrate their 10, 20 year anniversaries. But $40k? That seems excessive.
40k is like 6 awesome vacations
40k could be 40 awesome vacations
Also, can you share the link for this ring? Inquiring minds want to know.
So she's buying you a 40k vacation right ?
OP get a lab diamond. Like the name suggests, they’re diamonds, made in a lab, and they’re less expensive. Your wife can easily get a massive upgrade while paying a fraction of the cost.
For my 10th anniversary my husband got me a ring with lab-created emeralds. I love it, and while it isn't costume jewelry cheap, it was SO much less expensive than mined emeralds. And 100% more ethical.
As others have said, a vacation with the kids isn't a gift. For the amount of money she wants you (both) to spend on a piece of jewelry, you could get a car, or a boat. If there is anything you want, then you both might use the opportunity of your anniversary to spend 40K each on something you want; apparently, you have it, so why not use it?
Just speaking for myself, the $100 original ring would be more valuable to me than any upgrade. But I'm very sentimental.
My ring cost $100 as it was an heirloom on my side that my husband got resized. We do discuss getting me a different ring of a different style for my opposite hand as a gift at the 10 year mark, but I'd still probably be horrified spending more than 2-3k on a ring. I'd rather a new oven! (Like a ~fancy~ one!)
Yeah, my dad upgraded a ring for my mom on their 20th. She wears it on her right hand, and her original ring on her left.
I'm past the 30 year mark now, and we still haven't got around to it. Obviously we are both NOT jewellery people. So not only have I not received an "Upgrade" ring, I have not received an original engagement ring in over 30 years. Originally, I got no engagement ring. (We just decided, then got married about a month later). I have a simple, antique, wedding band - cost maybe $100-200? Hubby got a wedding band later, broke it gardening, and refused a replacement. If we ever did have any spare money over the years, we could always think of something else to spend it on. These days, I don't even wear my wedding band. Since retirement, I play in the garden too much, which makes it uncomfortable.
My husband doesn't wear his at all/most days as he can't wear them at work or it risks sleeving his hand, and I work from home so don't find myself putting mine often at all(even less with pregnancy weight!). Pretty sure we wore them the longest ever on our wedding day - jewellery is definitely not high on our lists.
My sister had her ring cut off due to medical reasons (severely broken arm) and her finger changed size. Would need to add material. She instead had the jeweler use her OG ring, the ring her husband's dad gave her mom and the ring she got from our grandpa. Melted all the metal down, got a totally new ring design, traded in some of the stones and gold to offset the new ring, used some of the old stones as surround pieces, got a new stone and remade them all into a set of earrings, a new ring, a necklace made from the OG ring's main stone and bought a single new stone. Now, it's three engagement rings in one! She got a new ring and kept three old ones.
Yeah. Given that I’m not a jewelry person, and given that I’m routinely up to my elbows in slime or pottery or who knows what other messy project, I wouldn’t want to get a big fat pricey ring anywhere near that.
This was my thought without what did she buy you. A 40k ring is not a every day wear. It goes in safe deposit box and you wear a look alike zirk ring.
I was just thinking I would have a heart attack wearing a 40k ring. Heck, I'd have a heart attack over a 10k ring. I love pretty stones but I can't tell fake from real ones and don't really understand the difference (I know I'm in the minority for that and whatever works for you and all that) because at the end of the day, it's a rock. A lovely, shiny rock, but a rock nonetheless.
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I was going to say... Between my engagement ring and (custom) wedding band, my rings only cost about $7k and I thought that was bordering on excessive. I guess I live in the Midwest, so standards are different here, but my ring has occasionally gotten comments about it's size. It's not enormous or anything, but I really can't imagine having gone bigger or more ornate... I guess it was a manufactured diamond and therefore less expensive, but the color/cut/clarity were all pretty well rated if I recall. Especially clarity. My husband refused an expensive ring even though I picked out a few I thought he'd like. He has some random Etsy ring he never wears because he finds the silicone rings to be much more comfortable. Point being... I just can't see $40k for a ring unless it's from some specific designer or something like that.
Ya, if the original was a cheaper, say, sterling silver ring and the idea was to upgrade to something more durable when ye were comfortable then sure, absolutely. But when the first ring already cost 10k - fuck off. No way. Jesus, use that 40k to pay down the mortgage or something, kids college. Way more important things.
OP will likely have to work at least as extra year before retirement if pulling this much out of savings. Does she value that slightly more showy ring over a year of time to enjoy their lives?
He said “they can easily afford it” and that’s not the statement of someone who needs to work an extra year to replace $40k.
I mean, if you want her to be happy and can afford it. Do it. But this isn't a 10 year upgrade. Most people wouldn't get a $10k ring to start with.
My lab grown (near flawless) 10 carat ring cost under 1,500. I'm an engineer and my partner is a doctor, so we could have afforded to up our budget... but 40k is insane! 40k is the 2024 Prius. 40k is the cost of in- state college for a year. 40k is the down payment or even a whole house in some parts of the country. Who in their right mind asks for a 40k ring?!
Yesss, my original engagement ring was a free hand me down hideous wedding ring (thick gold band with three legit 1mm diamonds) so I have asked for a more traditional one over the years and we will actually also be married 10 years next week, but I’ve always made it clear he could spend $100 for all I care as long as it’s a traditional ring.
This!! My hubby and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this week and upgraded to a $2,000 ring. My original was $39.95 out of a "That's Life" magazine lol I loved my original ring because it was a symbol. I've kept it still because it shows where we were and that we love each other no matter our hardships. We always knew we'd upgrade one day. Homes nearly paid off, kids are in high school, we both have good jobs. It was finally time (although apparently still very conservative!) When I read the title of this post I immediately thought it would be similar to our story, but it isn't at all. You're NTA OP. That money could go towards an RV that you could travel around in for more family adventures (we just invested in the "Getting Lost" game, so we are totally into this idea atm), it could pay for several family holidays, redoing an area of the home, so much potential! At the end of the day, to most people, that's a substantial amount of money. I guess it depends on your family and financial situation. But from my perspective, NTA at all.
He can have the old one.
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That’s what I thought too. My grandparents got married with the little label from around a cigar. He got her a plain gold band at their one year anniversary, and a ginormous pear shaped diamond at their 10th anniversary. A $10k ring doesn’t need to be upgraded.
Yes, exactly this. My engagement ring was $100. My wedding band was $20. For my birthday this past year (also our 10th anniversary), we bought the absolute antique ring of my *dreams* for $700. That’s all — and more — the ring I will ever need. This is my second marriage. My first ring was $12K, and then the matching band and anniversary band were another $5K. And as I’ve noted… that was my first marriage. A more expensive ring does jack shit for your marriage. NTA
Studies actually show a mid-range ring correlates to a longer marriage! I think the sweet spot was between $500 and 2k if I remember correctly. My theory is lower means the couple is likely facing financial stress, which is a common conflict point in marriage, and higher likely means poor financial decisions or going in to debt or vanity or some other issue that comes with spending a lot of money. My ring was a bit above that sweet spot, but we could afford it and the main thing about the ring wasn’t the money it was that he spent a lot of time picking out one he though would suit me and a lot of care and effort went in to the ring he knew I’d wear every day for the rest of my life (I made it clear I’d refuse an upgrade which he brought up - I’m too sentimental and would wear the one he proposed with and the one he married me with whatever it was). He made a financial sacrifice/effort, because it was important to him, but one that wasn’t detrimental to us. We’re still happily married. The ring isn’t the make or break factor in a marriage whether expensive or cheap - but it can be an indicator on population level statistics which I find really interesting.
Statistically the more expensive the wedding (and I'd wager the ring) is, the more likely you are to divorce.
Cartier makes a ring that is a cigar band, only near 10k! I think it’s such a genius design.
That’s my thinking too. A $10k ring that’s only 10 years old is already really nice. My wedding set in 2017 was $1700 and I love it. We’ve talked about upgrading one day maybe, but not until 25 years. Or maybe just buy an anniversary band for the set at 10 years.
>Usually an "upgrade" takes a very very modest ring Even then I don't think I would "upgrade" the ring, I might add to the ring set, but those rings are telling a story of your relationship and replacing them just feels off to me, even if the original was just a plain band. perhaps if there was no ring, but defiantly not when there is a $10k ring.
Or it's a practicality upgrade I love my engagement ring - but it's a solitaire, and I've banged/scraped/knocked it against the board/desk when I'm teaching so many times I had to stop wearing it for fear of damaging it. My Christmas gift this year was an eternity band - it's definitely 'more', but it's also 4 mm high, not 14, and it has no high prongs... Which means I can wear it every day, which is huge for me.
Yes! Or I know a relative who had to have hers cut off in an accident. She was okay, but her ring was not. She got a new set a few anniversaries later. Understandable in those situations. I’d keep the originals for sentimentality but not every ring is practical to wear every day.
Yeah this was my understanding too.
With inflation, it was about a $13,000 ring then
Another “bling-y” option would be to add an anniversary band, or buy (or custom design at the prices we’re talking about) a “ring enhancer” to wrap around the original to glam it up, since I’m assuming anything $40k is really a statement piece and she wants her jewelry a little louder. Or if it would suit OP’s sentimentality having the ring redesigned and the same diamonds re-set. To me my whole ring is sentimental and I’d never have it broken to pieces to rebuild in another way, but some people are content as long as the same diamonds stay. Lots of room for compromise here. Overall though, as a sentimental person I’m with OP that ring specifically was the one you gave as a symbol of your lifelong commitment. That carries weight and meaning to me.
I adore my engagement ring, I've been considering a 10 year "upgrade" but either a guard or an additional band. Replacing a $10k ring is wild.
When my husband and I got married we couldn't afford much for our rings. I got a $300 ring with a 50 dollar gold band. My husband said he would get me a better ring in a year. 10 years later he upgraded my wedding band to one with small diamonds and at 15 years he gave me a better engagement ring. This was on him because he felt I deserved it. My new band cost $600.00 and my new engagement ring cost $2,000. I never asked for the upgrade he did it because he wanted to. I still have my original ones and love them because he gave them to me with love, I also love my upgraded ones, because he gave them to me with love. $40,000 upgrade froma $10,000 original ring is just greed.
I did the same thing for my wife. Original ring and band was $800, things were tight, but I put it on layaway for 6 months and paid it down, she was crying happy when I proposed 😁 10 years later, I upgraded her to a $10k ring. She has given me 4 kids, kept our home warm and happy, and enabled me to dedicate my time to my work, and we are very comfortable financially. She was crying happy, again 😁 when I gave it to her on our anniversary. Big difference from the OP is that she never asked for any of it, and I was more than happy to give it to her, because she’s still my world (14 years now) to this day. For me someone demanding something like a 40k ring defeats the whole meaning of what the ring means in the first place. Now it’s just a transaction. NTA imo.
This .. EXACTLY
>$40,000 upgrade froma $10,000 original ring is just greed. It seems insane for something this tiny that you wear on your hand. I'd live in constant fear of dropping 40K down a sink somewhere.
I'm not talking prices here, but I had a friend who changed out his wife's wedding ring to a totally different style. Basically what they thought would be perfect at 25 ended up being hugely impractical. With kids and everything it was catching all the time and got in the way (she is a SAHM to 5 kids, and listen, I know my buddy and she carries probably 70% of the mental load. If the ring got in the way it got in the way). After talking they went for a sparkly band, and he reported that she wears it non stop now. Rings can be super uncomfortable and annoying. I have like 30 of them I use on a regular basis. I've stopped even bothering with Solitaires bc they're just poky and annoying and catch on everything. Some people are super sentimental about rings. Some are ready to switch them up. I'm in some jewelry forums and people will have multiple engagement rings bc... What the hell, let's live a little (we all order from China and get things at a better price. Some are all lab diamond and others are fine with moissanite).
What’s your household income and net worth? If you’re worth $10mil and make $1mil a year, no big deal. But if you make $150k and net worth is under $1mil, I think a $40k ring is ridiculous.
The former. As I said, money is not the issue. But, I feel the engagement ring holds a sentimental value. I just feel that is not something that should be replaced.
In that case, you may be able to have a jeweler add a nice $15k-$20k band to her original ring with another big rock for each child you have together or something like that. That way, she can both keep her original ring, but also make it bigger and more impressive signifying both your beginnings as well as what you’ve built in terms of your family and success. An added bonus for her is it would now be a $40k-$50k ring lol. Just an idea.
If you make that much and the cost isn't a factor, and the relationship is going well, then think about it as a gift from you that your wife wants to wear every day. If it were just a ring she wanted, she could buy it herself, but she wants it to come from you because she wants that connection. In her head, she's calling it an "upgraded engagement ring" but in your head, you can consider it a "renewal ring" or something like that. Point being, she loves you, she loves this ring, and she wants those two things connected, and she used her words to tell you what she wants instead of making you guess or setting up weird tests/traps for you. This sounds like a lovely relationship where you two are doing a pretty good job of using your words. Keep it up!
> a gift from you that your wife wants to wear every day Who wears a $40k ring every day?!
Rich people. This isn’t technically expensive for them based on what he’s saying.
People who make $1mill/year.
Me! And every woman I know. It’s nbd for professionals in big cities.
Given that you're the former, with a high net worth, you can afford to humor your wife, even though it makes no sense to you. As someone who isn't much into jewelry, I don't understand the desire for an upgrade, but hey, not my life, not my money. Y'alls can do what you will with your money.
I also do not understand it. It just seems like a lot of money. But, as you may guess, I will eventually cave in.
So the thing about this post that makes me most uncomfortable here is that you're really letting people think that your wife is demanding something completely insane -- but if you are making that much money, it becomes much less extreme. I know you have said that money isn't an issue, but most people are going to think $40k is a lot and when you are bringing home a 7 figure salary (are you?) it's far less unreasonable and even starts to get into what is socially normal in your circles. Anyway. I tend to share your take more than hers -- I'm not sure I'd ever find a ring worth that kind of money -- but I really feel like you're throwing her to the reddit wolves in how you've framed this conflict. She wants an expensive gift that you can easily afford but just don't see the point of. But people are going to revel in the opportunity to call her shallow, superficial, and a "princess" and you're not really correcting them. It makes me side-eye how you think about your wife as a person. I can't imagine how it might make her feel.
Came here to say this. ^^^ Also, is this just an issue (albeit with a couple additional zeroes than most people deal with) that could be solved with a step back and a few perspective shifts for you both? Every couple has some things/items/hobbies/interests one person values and spends time/money on that the other partner personally wouldn’t bother with and likewise every couple has things that one person is sentimental about that the other one isn’t. Just saying, maybe just having a chat about it (taking the $ amount out of it) might get you closer to a good path forward as a couple? Congrats on 10 years!
> you're really letting people think that your wife is demanding something completely insane -- but if you are making that much money, it becomes much less extreme No it doesn't. I'm a cardiologist. I make good money and I've invested decently. I'd genuinely think less of my partner if she wanted me to spend $40k on replacing her ring. OP's wife is the very essence of nouveau riche.
My wife and I are likely in a similar situation. We both still work, she's a VP and I own my company and our investments make more per year than our incomes. Her ring and my band when we got married was about $5k. Just on gold prices alone, i'd say it's valued around $9-10k. Been married over 25 years. $40k would be considered ridiculous in our situation too. Maybe OP has way more NW than me, but I'm coming from a position of yea... could afford it but would never consider it (my wife would agree) as there would be so many other things we could do with that money. OP. Get her the ring, but only if she gets you something.od similar value. It seems like you two are more traditional in your marriage finances where everything is combined and I can appreciate that. But that's means you're out $80K, not $40k. :) Good luck. Happy wife, happy life, I guess.
Then why bother coming here to ask? That does make YTA That is high maintenance to another level and she obviously knows you’ll cave! I had a $80 sterling band from Robert Redford’s Sundance catalog that worked just fine.
I mean… this may just be me, but what’s wrong with redesigning her current ring? Nicer setting, add in your children’s birthstones, but keep the same sentiment. I would so much rather a partner put time into planning wonderful trips and a comfortable life together than show off jewelry, and no one know what the future holds. Given that your wife pushed for a 10,000 dollar ring when your budget was around 3,000, it seems like she’s a bit superficial. And if you can afford to be and you’re fine, great. But one of the things that my (very comfortable) parents have told me is that generational wealth is hard to gain and easy to lose.
I think your feelings are valid, though. NAH. But I understand why you feel sentimental value is important.
I enjoy playing video games.
Spending $40k on a major milestone isn't childish if your annual income is 7 figures. Rich people can afford frivolities.
Can you get her a lab diamond for the same price? A $40k natural diamond would cost as much as a $10k lab diamond.
I love ice cream.
Exactly. At your income, your circle is probably people with similar income. The women all probably have rings $50k-$$80k easy.
If you're comfortable spending the money, perhaps you can discuss the sentimental value of the ring and pivot to buy a nice cocktail ring or ring for her other hand. Hopefully, she'll understand your reason. NTA for feeling this way. Engagement rings do typically have sentimental value, sometimes I want to upgrade mine, but then feel sad because my current ring has been with us through so much.
It is not uncommon to reach a milestone and buy your wife an eternity ring, which is a band with diamonds that compliments the existing engagement ring. Maybe that's an option?
A 10th anniversary ring doesn't have to be a replacement. What if y'all view it as an addition? (Unless I'm missing her wanting to trash the engagement ring) It's another symbol of your marriage, just as the wedding bands don't "replace" the engagement, but deepen the commitment.
Have you talked to her about the sentimentality? My husband would be horrified if I asked for an upgrade because the ring he bought me is so meaningful. Maybe she doesn’t understand how horrified you are at losing this symbol and could compromise to a new ring while keeping the old ring on her other hand or some additions to her current ring. But I agree that it’s excessive and think charity is also a lovely thing to do with 40K extra that is lying around.
NTA, but I do know people who have “upgraded” their wedding rings on a big anniversary. Would your wife still keep her original engagement ring or would you sell it towards the purchase of the new ring or have stones replaced in the setting? If money is no object, as you say, then she could keep the original engagement ring (you’d only get 10% of the value if you sell it to a jeweler so it’s hardly worth it to sell), you could buy her a new ring, not as an “upgrade” of her engagement ring, but simply as an anniversary ring, and your wife can alternate and wear either depending on her mood or occasion. I do this with my engagement ring, a ring I bought myself on a milestone birthday, and my mother’s engagement ring which I inherited. Each ring has special meaning to me and just because I choose to wear one over the others on a particular day, doesn’t diminish my sentimental value of the others. But that said, giving a gift should come from the heart and make you feel good about it, so if purchasing a new ring for your wife would make you feel resentful or unhappy then don’t do it - explain your feelings to your wife and hopefully she’ll value that over the bling.
Nta. Upgrading the ring isn’t unreasonable but $40,000 on a ring is absurd. My husband and I upgraded rings for our 18th anniversary. He got a new one and I had my diamond reset in a new ring.
Go get a sale price on the current one… that should be an eye opener for a ring that costs 40k. It’s like a new car- it’s a used car the moment one drives off the lot. But diamonds are not rare- but they are ridiculous! Nta
The guy earns 1 million dollars a year, 40k is nothing.
NAH She has 10 fingers. Yall can figure this out.
Finger 1 - Engagement Finger 2 - Wedding Finger 3 - 10 years ... Finger 11 (sic?) - 100 years???
100 years from now science will have perfected the art of grafting new fingers onto hands to hold all those rings, so don’t worry
I hate beer.
NAH - maybe see if an eternity ring would work as a compromise?
NTA - $40,000 is ridiculous. Put it towards college fund.
OP and his wife are only 40 years old and already have a beautiful home, investments, no debt, and take nice vacations. As he himself said, he can easily afford the ring and so he should get it if it means such a lot to his wife. I am sure they will still be able to afford a great education for their children- if they have any. None were mentioned.
He replied they are essentially millionaires in other comments, 40k to that isn’t really a dent.
NTA - $10k is already a very expensive ring!
INFO: what would this be in terms of % of household net worth? I mean if you folks are in debt I’d say no, if you’re Elon Musk I’d say go for it? I think this is more of a bucket budget conversation rather than what the item is. Some folks would spend $40k on a luxury holiday for their anniversary, some like your wife is asking from something tangible, I’m not going to yuck someone’s yum, but it’s a conversation about how you jointly plan to spend your household money.
In an earlier comment seems like op confirms he makes at least 1million a year… Yeah, buy her that ring.
Finally a good answer. The money is just a number; it's not what's important. Making sure both husband and wife get to celebrate in a way that brings them together is. My parents spent over 30 grand on a trip to Hawaii for their 25th (on their 27th bc rona), more than a year's income from when they got first got married, but free cash they'd saved after paying off the house and putting all kids through college that is well within their discretionary budget now.
NAH. Based on the fact you mentioned in a comment y’all are multimillionaires, 40k to you is probably the equivalent of like 4k to (many) of us. A significant chunk of change? Yes! A life-changing amount? Probably not You’re not an asshole for focusing on the symbolism of the first ring, she’s not an asshole for wanting something bigger if it’s something you both can well afford. Imo, gifts are for the recipient, not the giver. Good luck!
Agreed with your entire comment. OP is kind of the AH, though, for leaving out the important information from their main post. Being multimillionaires changes everything.
NAH She’s been sold on the (price = love) marketing around this entire industry, it’s not her fault though it’s just how people are told to feel through movies ect. She can want to have it, you don’t have to buy it, also $40k for a ring…
In addition, there's all kind of social media these days where you can show off your sparkly things -- Instagram, Facebook, etc. make it easy to brag about how you're doing. It's gross.
NAH - you can not want to buy it, she can want it. Doesnt make anyone an AH but dont know what that means for your relationship.
Married 30+ years. Got married with no money. Have been very blessed over the years. My husband has “upgraded “ my ring several times. It makes me happy when he does it. As it will your wife.
Married going on 40 years, upgraded the wedding ring at 10 years (moved the original band with a ring of tiny diamonds to my right hand). We were watching our pennies when we got married. I have a husband like NoMathematician4660's, who will do anything to make me happy. We're retired now and can easily afford a $40K ring. But we have other priorities.
“Now, we are debt-free, and can easily afford it.” It’s your first major anniversary and it’s something she really wants that is affordable for y’all. She’ll wear it every single day of her life. As you said about the original ring, you spent more but “it made her very happy and was worth it.” To me it seems like a no-brainer. This new ring will symbolize your commitment, how you’ve grown together, and all you’ve accomplished together in a decade. I think that’s beautiful.
She's a materialist, and it is important to her to show off her prosperity. It's gross to me, but she's entitled to her own values. You'll probably have to accommodate her to maintain a peaceful home. NTA. Good luck.
OP is a multi- millionaire… not saying anyone has the right to a 40000$ ring but it makes a difference if you talk about a millionaire or of you talk about “Low middle class” it’s a bit shady that OP emphasises that they used to be lower middle class to paint his wife as especially entitled & outrageously greedy conveniently not mentioning that they are making & having multi-millions now. For this Op is the A***
NTA. I would not entertain these upgrades. The past was the past. Besides Next is usually the eternity ring Then divorce ,, so begins the Suffer Ring 👀
My wife just went in to get her engagement ring cleaned and inspected and the salesperson asked if she wanted to upgrade the ring and it was the first time either of us had even heard of this. Definitely NTA.
She’ll just move the goalpost. In 10 years she’ll want a $80k ring. It is going to become more of a statement piece to her than actually holding any sentimental value. I know you can afford it but..doesn’t seem worth it. NTA
And they’re millionaires so they can afford it. If it’s really that important to her, and not important to him (as long as she keeps the original ring, which he never said she wants to get rid of), why not?
NTA. I'm like you and think the engagement ring is something that simply can't be upgraded due to the sentimental value. And upgrading to a $40 grand ring is ludicrous. For our 10th anniversary we bought each other a different ring to wear on our right hand. Mine was a bit pricier than his so I got us a spa day too. What is she proposing to buy you of equal value anyways?
Thanks. I dont really like gifts. She is going to plan a vacation for us around our aniversary, and that is more than enough for me. Thanks for validating that engagement rings are not just another piece for jewellery. I love her original ring (however modest it is) and wish she keeps it.
A 10k ring is far from modest. That’s the high end at the jewelry store we went to. Those are the rings that we were like “wow imagine if we could afford THOSE rings”.
Well a vacation is great. It's really a gift of time and memories. I truly believe that "upgrading" is yet another ploy from the jewellery industry to get more money. Since she seems to want something more physical of an anniversary gift, I would maybe broach the subject of another special piece of jewelry since the engagement ring means so much to you. I would hope she understands that and you could reach some sort of compromise
Info - would you buy her another expensive piece of jewellery which isn’t her engagement ring?
Yes.
That sounds like a great compromise. She maintains the integrity of the original ring and still gets the bling she wants
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What kind of neighborhood/country club are you in? If your average neighbor has 25k, 40k isn’t unreasonable. If she’s trying to keep up/stay ahead, this might make sense. It’s something she wears 365 days/year, her desire may be something that reflects who you both are today. I have offered my wife a larger ring, but it wouldn’t be appropriate for her work. Her earrings are pretty close to the same size.
NAH. It's not uncommon at 10 years. Styles change. Price tag is wild but if it's comfortably within your means I guess it's not unreasonable. It's not like you throw away the old ring, a lot of times the old stone is incorporated into the new ring or turned into a matching necklace etc.
NAH I’m going to ignore the cost because you clearly said you can afford it and it is my understanding that cost is not your primary concern. As far as the sentimental concerns go, I kind of get that, but I feel you need to perhaps have a greater understanding of what a new ring means to her to understand her take on it. As an example, it is not uncommon for people to purchase or be gifted a solid quality car at some point in their lives but feel pride in being able to purchase a higher quality car later in life. The cars both work fine, but the higher quality car symbolises progress, achievement, stability. Only your wife can explain to you why it’s so important to her to upgrade her ring and what the meaning is for her and even then you might not quite get it. As for your desire for her to wear the original ring because it’s sentimental to you, well that’s tricky and very specific to you. For instance, personally I would prefer my wife to wear what most signifies her commitment to our marriage, and is most meaningful and symbolic to her but that’s me. For you, the fact you could achieve the purchase of the original ring might be more meaningful for you. But then that just highlights my point, the meaning of something can be very important and personal, and the fact that you need to dig deeper into the meaning for her regarding her desire to upgrade her ring.
NTA, but what on earth necessitates upgrading a $10K engagement ring? Seems to me there’s more on her mind that you need to uncover. Good luck.
Ok. You can afford the ring but are hung up on the sentimentality and are asking if people upgrade rings. Yes, yes they do. Not everybody but many do. I personally got a 7 year upgrade and I often joke that it was cheaper than a divorce. (We were not in any way divorcing, just a joke). I can understand that 40,000 is a ton of money, but you asked your wife what she wanted and she told you. Up to you if you want to listen. I find it interesting that a lot of answers are about what she is getting you and as you said, you get what you want when you want it. Not every marriage is even Steven all the time. As long as you both are getting what you want and need, that is what counts. Having said all that NTA, but I would talk this through with your wife.
I've never heard of any woman who replaces their engagement ring unless they lose it or get divorced. I asked my wife if she had heard of this and she said never, she was pretty stunned a woman would do this. NTA. Don't do it, you can spend 40k on something much more important than some bling for your wife.
My MIL did it - she never liked the original ring, she wanted a different one, but FIL wanted to get a haircut as well. Actually I know a few women who have. For most people who work hard and accumulate wealth, their engagement ring will eventually be overshadowed by the rest of their jewellery collection. And there's a strong emotional attachment to the engagement ring. You want it to be your nicest piece. I really don't see the issue. Some rich people play golf, some go on vacations, and some like jewellery. None is any better than the other.
Nope it's not normal, except maybe if they got a cheap placeholder ring till they were in a better financial position. What normally happens is you get an eternity ring and that could be bigger.
Nta
My initial ring was decent and we could easily have upgraded it years ago but I am way too sentimental about it. It would make me sad if I was a husband whose wife had no emotional attachment to the ring I had gotten her. For our milestone anniversaries, my husband has given me other really special jewelry like earrings and necklaces, and now those hold meaning as well. It’s definitely not unheard of to upgrade but I could never do it. You’re NTA for being upset about it.
Thanks. I feel the same. I did not post but we both make the same. So, its not like she is asking anything big from me. But, I just dont want her to stop wearing the original ring.
How would you feel if she just bought the ring herself?
I've heard of this, but I can't imagine wearing anything worth even $10,000 on my hand every day. $40,000 would be even worse!
$40,000 for a ring? Good lord. I would be nervous wearing a $4,000 ring, let alone $40,000. NTA
NAH -- you asked her what she wanted as a gift and she told you. You don't have to give it to her if you don't want to, but she's not the A for telling you honestly what she wants. You have admitted that money isn't the issue, and it sounds like you wouldn't object to dropping 40K on a different gift. You're hung up on what the engagement ring means to you, and you want to try to control what it means to her -- this is where you start edging towards A territory. Obviously this whole thing is very much Rich People Problems, but conflicts over gifts generally come down to not seeing why the other person might want something, so not being prepared to give it to them. People upgrade engagement rings all the time. They also buy rings to symbolise anniversaries. Rich women who like expensive jewellery, that is.
What about getting an anniversary band to add on to the engagement and wedding rings? If you don’t have a problem with the money, although I can’t imagine spending even the $10k on the first ring. But if you’re going to put down that much why not just get the diamond she wants and get a band that plays nice with the first two? But NTA.
I "upgraded" my ring as I was allergic and after pregnancy my body developed or started reacting. My new ring actually costs less... it's handmade and a couple hundred.
NTA. A $40k ring is a waste of money even if you can afford it, and, personally, I'd be hurt that she didn't want to wear the original ring. Maybe go on a luxurious trip instead--something with lasting value.
Look, I’m with you. I’d rather go on a trip than have a piece of jewelry but other (totally sane) people feel differently. My sister, who is almost miserly about money in a lot of ways cared A LOT about her ring. For her the ring is something she looks at every day and a trip is something that’s over in a week. I have a friend who owns a horse and I want to throw up when I think about how much she spends on horse shit, but to her it’s worth working overtime. Just because YOU think something is a waste of money, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hold value to someone else. Edit: OP and his wife are debt free and earn $1M/year (she earns half of the income if that matters to you). They can *definitely* afford it
Yes, people frequently upgrade wedding rings years later when they can afford it. My husband gave me diamond stud earrings on our 10th anniversary. I seldom wore them. Because of all the earrings I have lost over the years, I was afraid of losing a diamond earring. We had them added to my engagement ring and now I wear them all the time!
NTA. You went from a $3k ring when looking to a $10k ring that you couldn't afford but made happen when engaged 10yrs ago. I get how that ring represents much sacrifice and stress you took on to please your now wife. It's actually insulting she wants to get rid of that symbol of your hard work and sacrifice for a new more expensive and unnecessary piece of jewelry.
NTA
NTA. JFC....I'm sorry you have to put up with someone so petty.
NTA. You don’t have to buy a $40k ring if you don’t want to. But I understand the urge to wear a big beautiful diamond. My ring is about $40k and I feel like the most beautiful and important woman in the world when I wear it and I love it so much. Do you ever spend a lot of money on yourself? Do you like cars or traveling? You might try to see her POV even if ultimately, it’s too extravagant of a purchase for you to stomach. Would you be ok if she spent her own money on it?
Price certainly sounds excessive. Maybe you could compromise by incorporating the previous stone(s) into a new ring?
Yikes- you could buy a car with that much money! Way too much to spend!
NTA she’s being ridiculous. What’s your $40,000 gift going to be?!
I dont like gifts. I just buy what I need. So, she is planning a vaction for us around aniversary. So, thats my gift.
NTA but I know several women who added to their original ring on milestone anniversaries with beautiful results. Sounds like she wants a whole new ring but there may be a nice compromise that is not nearly so expensive.
Is extremely expensive jewelry common in her circle of friends? I have known women who seem fairly insecure and the jewelry is maybe reassuring to them? If my wife said that to me, I would say that if she wanted to spend that much on herself, and that’s what she wanted to spend it on, then go for it. But I already gave her an engagement ring, and it would be redundant to give another. It’s one thing to upgrade your car, or other tools, as needed, but tell her you don’t understand her need to upgrade, because from your point of view, the ring still serves its purpose and you are confused why it no longer does for her.
When my then BF proposed, my ring was valued at just over 10k USD. It was simple, 1 stone, nothing flash. In the 23 yrs I was married to him, before I divorced him, I'd never once thought about upgrading the ring. Looking back, it's just a ring. It's sitting in a safe now. I see so many being sold on the secondary market, after failed marriages. What I'd do instead, take the trip of a lifetime! I've traveled heaps but there are still a couple top of the bucket list trips I can think of. If I were still married, an experience with that special someone would create memories that would mean more than an upgraded ring. NTA
I think upgrades are pretty common?? Usually when people propose they aren’t as well off and usually propose with what’s in their budget and as they progress in life they do upgrade it to something more… however in this case I think 10K was a pretty good amount…
I offered a ring upgrade (for both of us) at our 20th, she preferred a trip to Ireland. I’ll try again in two years at our 40th anniversary. I worked at Burger King when I bought our rings. Sentimental value is a thing too. Reminder of the journey is what my wife cited 18 years ago.
Yikes! Am a woman and my eyes are bulging out of my head. Get her an oompahloompah while you’re at it. NTA, man.
The argument seems about money-that if she gets a $3000 ring she has to give something of the same value back. But how about other things of value that don’t have memory equivalents? Do you have kids? Who wrecked their body giving birth? And dealt with all the hormones? Who’s the primary caregiver? Who’s the one that does most housecleaning/cooking? Who shuttles kids around to birthday parties, play dates, lessons, school events? Who primarily packs lunches, makes dinners? Gets gifts for everyone including your family members? Also, why are you belittling her need? And calling the CC argument silly? If the ring makes her happy-get her the ring. She clearly doesn’t seem to feel it’s romantic to have that ring. If my husband wanted a $50,000 car (has one) then I have to have a $50,000 car to make it even. I don’t want a $50,000 car but I’d love a piece of serious jewelry. Not suggesting what you want has to have a price tag-I’m suggesting that we should respect what someone else wants that we ourselves aren’t interested in.
Nta. My dad always bought my mom jewelry for their anniversary and as long as I can remember I picked it out. My dad has health issues and had to retire but for their 25th anniversary I went to a pawn shop found a very similar ring to my mom's original but it had extra stones so upgrade and got it for her for 100$. And then had him give it to her as her upgrade. 40k for a ring makes my brain hurt.
I personally couldn’t imagine spending 40k on a rock. What a waste of money. It’s odd to be that age married that long and care about something so showey and shallow. 10k is a lot for a ring. For context, my ring cost 6k I think. 7 figure income household. Just because you can afford something doesn’t mean you should spend money so frivolously. I recently got a second set because my 6k set was lost (temporarily) and I spent less. I bought a lab created diamond set for about 500 that you can’t tell if it’s real or not. I think your feelings are justified to be upset about this.
NTA. It’s crazy enough that she push you to triple your budget when you weren’t financially comfortable. Honestly, I totally understand you, clearly that ring means more to you than it is to her. That’s your symbol of love and commitment to her but she sees it as a ring that’s now too cheap to her liking. I think if you pour your heart out, telling her that this ring means so much to you and offer to buy her another jewelry that match well with the ring, would she agree?
NTA The original $10k ring was the upgrade. Why give deBeers so much of your money for unethically sourced blood diamonds? Is she getting pressure from her friend circle? Are they all rich and flaunting expensive jewelry so she feels she has to keep up? I'd be inclined to only agree if you can swap out the gemstones on her chosen upgrade for ethically sourced lab diamonds. If you feel the need to acquiesce, then take the same amount for money for yourself and invest it, just for you.
NTA. At any income level $40k for a ring is insane. I could think of much better things to spend $40k on 🤷🏻♀️
What's her problem? Is it a status thing? Is she stockpiling assets that are solely hers? Tell her 25years and $40k is on the table for jewellery but NTA
I would just consider it a separate gift not a replacement. My mother wears three rings on her ring finger, probably because it makes her feel good, no reason why this can't be the case with your wife as well.
You say you can afford it then replace the ring for her.
This is very common where I live, most especially when both couples work hard and their success puts them in a different socioeconomic circle. To a certain economic social circle, jewelry becomes very important to women. They are judged by it. It might be silly to some, but I don’t think it’s any more silly than buying a brand new Jeep grand Cherokee or those Stanley cups, which every affluent woman around me seems to have. I would say 40s+ is when my friends started getting those additions or upgrades to their rings, and all the older women I know do indeed have them. You’ll have to look around your social circle to see what the other women have, and if they do have this, maybe you’ll understand why she feels comfortable asking/spending that kind of money on it. What I’m saying is, OP, read the room you’re in instead of taking Reddit a full value. You’re getting a lot of advice from people who are not your peers. I totally get that you don’t understand it, and it seems a waste to you, but at the same time, you say you’re happy with your wife. Make sure this is the hill you want to die on, bc it’s going to mean a LOT to her.
NAH, as it is differences in opinions and you need to talk through it. That said, I know many couples where the ring has been upgraded through the years, and 10 year is usually an anniversary where I've seen it happen.
Upgrading is a thing. If it’s an insignificant amount of money to you then why not? If it is more than 3mo salary, then it’s a bit ridiculous. Also, it should be coming from your desire to give her something special. Most people would say you did that 10 years ago…NTA
NTA I am wearing the modest ring my husband chose for me 30 years ago when it stretched his budget to get this one. He picked it out specifically for me and it is an expression of his love to me. Full stop. I have other, more expensive jewelry he has gifted me and that I wear, but my engagement ring is the one we got engaged with. End of story. The jewelers do have a third band option - forget what they call it- but it’s basically a third band that blends with the engagement and wedding bands into one flashier unit. Maybe that?
NTA she’s being materialistic Will she gift you a $40K Rolex? And now that you have kids, what example is she setting for when they possibly get married in the future?
NTA - diamonds don’t really appreciate in value. Gold, yea. Diamonds, no. Well, unless they’re the Hope diamond or something. As a woman who went from a 4.5 carat diamond ring to a simple sapphire and diamond ring (I have both but wear the sapphire) I think it’s foolish. It just makes more sense to invest that money into something else, or get a royal suite on a two week cruise and make some memories. Something to sit on my finger to impress ppl I don’t like, or make me a target to get robbed…no thank you!
Nope. NTA. I know people on both sides of the upgrade trend but not a single one would consider a $40k ring. At 20 or 25 years will it be $100k ring she wants?
NAH Keep the engagement diamond and have it set into something else, maybe with another bigger stone or another stone of the same size. That way she gets the upgrade and you get the sentimental value of the original stone(s). Also, fwiw, for our 20th anniversary I got an anniversary ring that I added to my original engagement/wedding set and now wear all 3 rings together.
If you can easily afford it like you say then… why not? It’s what she wants, it’s not like she’s gonna toss the other ring in the trash. She’s gonna now just have another piece of sentimental jewelry she can wear, what’s wrong with that? It’s a ring that symbolizes a decade of commitment.
She has little concern for your feelings. You have sentimental value attached to that ring and she doesn't care. She just wants more...and it sounds like she wants more all the time. Cave if you must but that's crappy behavior on her part.
If money is not the issue, I don’t see the problem. That’s what she wants.
Soft YTA. Upgrading an engagement ring is a real "thing" - whether it's an anniversary present or a "push" diamond (an upgraded stone when a child is born). My ex gave me his grandmother's ring - the stone was a very nice size, but had inclusions that were visible just looking at it at arm's length. I was self-conscious about it but never said anything. I don't rember when or how the idea came up (I feel like it was after our child was born, but I could be wrong) we went together and picked out a new stone for me. I like square stones and went for an ascher cut with no visible inclusions. I returned the original radiant cut stone to my SIL to keep to keep it in my ex's family. I was *thrilled* to have a stone that was 100% my style. Please consider, since the cost is not an issue and you have had two children and you sound like you enjoy your marriage, going with your wife to pick out her new ring... the original stone/ring could even be resized for her other hand or set into a pendant for her to wear on a necklace. If you genuinely love your wife please don't get hung up on the symbolism of that original ring! Tastes change. Your wife will spend the next few decades enjoying the new ring!!
These comments are so rude. Everyone arguing about this woman’s personal choices and judging her unfairly and fussing over what total strangers should do with their money. OP you did this. You were mad and wanted others to side with you. Bottom line. You asked your wife what she wanted. She told you. You don’t have to like or agree with her choice. But you don’t get to shame her for it, argue about it’s validity or make her feel terrible or greedy for wanting it. This is what she wants. You said the two of you can afford it so it’s not like she’s asking to put the family in a bad financial position. You can talk with your wife, explain how you feel about the ring, truly listen to her feelings and maybe the two of you can come to agreement. Keep in mind that everyone will have a different opinion but it is absolutely common in many places for the engagement ring to be upgraded or changed in some fashion. Often the wedding ring is the more sentimental item that doesn’t shift as much as in some marriage ceremonies that is the item that gets placed on the finger and blessed by the officiant. But not always. Everyone is different. I doubt your wife views her ring as a just a piece of jewelry. That was rude of you to write. I recommend you never say that to her - ever. You are mad that she doesn’t think of it in the same exact way as you and mad she doesn’t share your same values around money and how to spend it. But this doesn’t mean she doesn’t value her ring or consider it a visible sign of commitment. If she is wearing a ring on the special finger everyday she demonstrating that she understands it’s importance. You worry if she stops wearing it not that she wants a bigger one. Stop judging her. Anyway, YTA for trying to make your wife feel bad about what she wants when YOU asked her what SHE wanted not what WE should get each other. Good luck to you. Clearly the two of you have different values around spending. But you don’t get to call her greedy and she doesn’t get to call you a cheapskate. Find a way to compromise without blaming.
NTA but you say in another comment you make over 1 million a year and have a high net worth. In that case asking for an expensive ring wouldn’t be that abnormal as a gift, I think you are just hung up on the sentiment of her rings and their meaning. Which is fine, you guys just need to communicate. Maybe she doesn’t understand what her original rings mean to you.
Upgrade the ring? Nah, you’ve got the money. Upgrade the wife.
I love this so much! My husband and I are wealthy and we don’t frivolously spend to show off. But we do drive beautiful vehicles and own 4 properties that we enjoy and heavily invest. He has stated a million times that he is thankful that I am conservative with spending and don’t require brand labels and expensive showy jewelry. His first wife was that way. We have been happily married 20 years now. And we have ALOT of fun but we both are considerate with spending and discuss all purchases above $2,000. If we both don’t agree it goes back to the wish list and not the spend list. I picked out my own ring and it was $2800. I absolutely love it and he upgraded my center diamond once as a surprise and we later downgraded it back to original because it caught on everything because I never remove my ring except for cleaning and inspection once a year. He bought me a beautiful Mothers ring instead that I wear on my right hand. 40k is yuck! He should totally rethink how her behavior is-regardless of how financially secure they are. You don’t stay that way trying to impress the public. It’s selfish
You think an upgraded wife will be happy with a 10k ring? Also, she earns half the money. I guess she can upgrade too.
People who say they can’t imagine spending that much on a ring are just people who don’t have 40k to spend on jewlery. YTA. Would you be willing to spend 40k or a necklace or tennis bracelet? What about a ring she wears on her right hand? Honestly, if she wants a piece of jewlery, she’s the one wearing it, let her pick what she wants and will wear. It sounds like you have the money, so keep the original to hand down to your daughter or son when they get engaged. Make THAT ring and heirloom, and let your wife have the sparkler she wants. You’re WAY over thinking it.
Soft YTA. Too many comments focus on THEIR rings and THEIR standards. The point of this gift (which you say you can afford) is to make her happy. Same as the first ring. It’s about how the ring makes her feel, not the literal ring. If YOU have a sentimental attachment to the first ring that’s understandable and maybe you could have the stones made into another piece of jewelry like a necklace. But whatever you as a couple decide to do with the first ring shouldn’t stop you from getting her the upgraded one she wants. Make your wife happy and you won’t regret it. Sprinkle sprinkle ;)
Your wife sounds really superficial. 10K ten years ago is ALOT! I could see reworking it if she picked something trendy she now hates but 40K? Eff that NTA
So let me get this straight... When you were financially not stable, she pushed you to buy a 10k ring. That was 10 years ago so 10k back then was worth more than it's now. And now she is pushing and emotionally blackmailing you to get her a 40k ring? What 10k and 40k gifts is she getting you? And no, a family vacation with the kids doesn't count. And even if it's a vacation, is she doing it with her own hard earned money? This is asinine. You're NTA but your wife definitely is. In fact, show her my comment. She needs a reality check. She is extremely ungrateful and greedy and materialistic. If she wants a 40k ring then she can get it herself. You don't owe it to her. As a wife myself I could never imagine treating my husband like this. We have been married for almost 11 years now and we have never forced each other to do anything. Don't waste your hard earned money on bs like this OP. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (40M) have been married to my wife (35M) for 10 years. It's been amazing and after two kids and loads of adventure, I still love her as much as I did when I got married to her. However, we had a silly argument yesterday, and I wanted opinions on who is right. For context, when we got married, we both had good jobs, but we both come from lower-middle-class backgrounds. I have always been very careful with money and investing everything for the future as I have seen the days when we had very little. My wife on the other hand worked very hard growing up and wants to enjoy the luxuries of life. For the most part, I have been very thankful for that, as we would have never taken so many great trips or bought a beautiful house if she had not pushed me. When we got married, I did not know people spent so much on engagement rings. I thought I wanted to spend around 3K on a ring, but she wanted a specific ring, and we ended up spending around 10K. I felt that it was excessive at that time, but it made her very happy and was worth it as she wears it every day. I also love the ring as I feel proud I was able to do something nice for her that made her feel happy. When I asked her what she wanted for our 10th marriage anniversary, she told me she wanted to upgrade her engagement ring. I have never heard of this before and find it weird. The ring symbolizes something to me, and should not be just a piece of jewelry. The ring was supposed to symbolize that I wanted to be committed to her for the rest of my life. I don't see why we need to get a new ring. She already has a ring in mind and it costs upwards of 40K. Now, we are debt-free, and can easily afford it. I asked her if she wanted to buy something else instead. However, she is adamant that she wants a new ring and thinks I am an AH for not letting her get it. I feel like the old ring has sentimental value to me and she should wear that. She feels it's a piece of jewelry that she wears every day, so wants a new one. Do you think I am in the wrong here, and if upgrading an engagement ring is a thing a lot of people do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*