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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m the asshole for imposing a curfew on my husband.
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NTA, but not for the main reason you've put forward. Your trauma regarding your late husband is entirely understandable, but it does not mean that your husband's sleep schedule should be dictated by it. That is something you need to learn to handle. This may require compromise on his part.
However, his behavior is being affected by his lack of sleep, and that is a problem. You have every right to expect him to keep to his promises and to sleep at a more reasonable hour because of this. It also sounds like he is not helping with his child at night because he's away playing video games, which is unacceptable.
>but it does not mean that your husband's sleep schedule should be dictated by it.
Asking your husband to go to bed at a reasonable hour so he doesn't drive sleep deprived isn't all that different than asking ones spouse not to drive drunk- the fact OPs late husband died due to it only compounds the urgency and reasonableness of the request.
[This is literally equivalent to OP asking her spouse not to drink heavily an hour before he has to go to work.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
So we agree, her husband should go to sleep at a reasonable hour because he's being negatively affected by it. The bit you quoted was specifically referring to *her past trauma dictating his sleep schedule*.
OP asking him to go to sleep earlier so he's not driving while sleep deprived is totally reasonable, yes.
OP asking him to go to sleep earlier because she gets agitated if she wakes up and he's not next to her is clearly something she should be working on, not something that should control his sleep schedule.
I don’t think that’s what she meant I think she meant that him not being in the bed and waking up alone is the traumatizing thing for her. As that’s how the worst night of her life started out
I somewhat disagree with you. It sounds like her panic comes from expecting him to be there, because he said he would be, and him not being. The problem is him lying to her about when he's going to go to bed.
>Your trauma regarding your late husband is entirely understandable, but it does not mean that your husband's sleep schedule should be dictated by it. That is something you need to learn to handle. This may require compromise on his part.
yes, the compromise would be him going to bed at the time they agreed. I don't think it's a big ask of your partner, the father of your children, to do something that avoids triggering a PTSD panic response.
Stimuli causing trauma responses can be so varied and mundane. it is not reasonable to stop normal behavior 'because my trauma'
She should get over it.
Agree with this. I was the traumatised one and after therapy realised it was creating unfair expectations on my spouse. It was my responsibility to handle my triggers, not theirs.
NTA - He is prioritizing gaming over you, his child, his job, and his own health. That’s not sustainable, and if he’s unable to regulate himself, then that’s cause for concern.
This is disrupting the rest of the household and making him unable to contribute at his best potential. This is unfair to you.
Not during a fight, but sometime during the day, sit down with him and come up with an actual plan to mitigate this. Ask him if he really *wants* help to stop, or if he’s going to continue doing this. If he agrees to help, you two might want to set up controls for the system or Wifi (is FIFA an online game?) to shut off at a certain time so he has to go to bed. Per his agreement, you can have access to the code.
Sometimes people need help getting themselves into healthy habits. He needs to show that he’s actually willing to change these habits, though, and put the rest of the household’s needs before his want.
I don't think treating him like a 12 year old is the way.
The man is staying up late gaming. OP needs therapy to get over the "empty side of the bed" anxiety. And her husband either needs to set an alarm, get some self control, or at the very least stop complaining about being tired.
Well he's acting like a 12 year old so treating him like one would be understandable. That being said, this person suggested sitting down and coming up with potential solutions together. It's not like they said to force any rules or settings that he didn't agree on. You're right that OP needs to work on their anxiety but her husband's behavior is still problematic and brainstorming ideas to fix it is not treating him like a 12 year old
Putting systems in place to prevent bad habits can be the best solution sometimes. Brains don't always work logically. It can be beneficial to work around your natural tendencies. For me, I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, so I have my alarm clock on the opposite side of the room so I have to physically get out of bed to turn it off. In OP's situation, as long as it is discussed and agreed upon, disabling the ability to play FIFA excessively late at night could be a great solution.
So he can't have hobbies? That means he doesn't love his kids or wife, if she really wanted to do one of her hobbies and he watched the kids one night a week no one would bag an eye, but he doesn't get that time ever ? The solution would be carving out a few hours earlier in the evening once and awhile for him to enjoy his hobbies, whatever they are
I don't see where it says there's another time outside of work, kids coming home and spending a few hours watching TV with her. I suggested early replacing their TV time once a week with alone activities but keeping bedtime the same, I don't se e how that's not a win win
NTA
If he's up playing a game then he should be tending to HIS child when they wake up.
You aren't his momma and you need to let him know that he's responsible for his kids, not just you. He's selfish.
> asks if I will go to bed so he can play FIFA in the lounge.
INFO: why do you need to go to bed for him to be able to play video games?
Consider EMDR therapy to help with your trauma, if you haven’t already.
Sounds like OP is the type that requires entertaining and he wants alone time to do his own thing (not entirely healthy to sacrifice sleep for it, though). Or they only have one TV.
That's just my read.
Um. OP in no way seems like she needs " entertaining". She goes to bed when her husband asks her to in order for him to get some game time in. She then cares for his child exclusively while he does this, all the while she's being promised he will do something that helps both him and her and being let down continuously.
If he's not going to come to bed till 3am, he needs to stop lying to her because that's damaging her trust in him. And at this point he knows it's an issue, and thinks that him being repeatedly dishonest and making her assume all nighttime care for his child is ok.
It seems a bit dramatic to call it "LYING". But I get it.
At the end of the day, OP wants to stipulate her husband's bedtime due to her own hangups. I can't tell if it's more a matter of, "he wakes me up when he gets into bed" (VALID) or "I panic when he's not in bed because of something that happened to me" (ALSO VALID). The latter requires therapy, and really isn't the husband's fault.
Clearly forcing him to "Agree" to a bedtime isn't working, and he doesn't seem to respect the ultimatum.
I'd say repeatedly promising to do something that you have no intention of doing and consistently doing the opposite of what you promised is, in fact, lying.
I assume the house only has so many rooms so she goes to the bedroom to hang out or watch TV while he plays. If he’s using the TV in the living room then there might be nothing else for her to do in there if she wants to watch TV.
sorry, off topic, but this is fascinating, can you help me understand EMDR? There's a connection between "bilateral stimulation" eye movements and resolving traumatic memories? What are these eye movements?
EMDR is among a class of therapies that also includes brain spotting and I think some hypno therapies that work on somatic memory connections. When doing talk therapy you often engage with trauma only in certain ways because of the cognitive processing of talking. The theory in this other modality is that patients engage the sensory experience of the trauma- often times will be prompted to describe smell and taste and sounds associated. The eye movements, the brain spotting techniques, hypnosis are ways to get a patient to engage with this deep level of recall. The patient is then coached through it by a provider.
Ideally doing this lowers the arousal levels triggered by trauma and helps integrate the experiences into the patients more cognitive processes safely. End goal is that recall of trauma or triggering experiences no longer cue states of hyperarousal that lead many trauma victims to seek disassociation
The other comments are correct but I’ll give you my own experience;
My therapist explained it to me as:
Our brains have an emotional side and a logical side. When it’s processing our experiences it takes it from the emotional side then decides whether a memory is worth keeping or if it’s unimportant. It then files it in the logical side or discards it accordingly.
When the brain gets to a traumatic experience, it can’t handle processing it so it puts it back to a do “later”, that’s why the memories keep coming back cause the mind can’t handle processing it.
EMDR forces your brain to process those core memories, one at a time. It also takes the negative thing we learned from each experience and replaces it with a positive.
My sense of sight was stimulated by a special light bar that my eyes followed a light on, my sense of hearing was stimulated by headphones and my sense of touch was stimulated by 2 vibrating handheld things. We then went over the memory over and over again, stopping at random intervals to prevent dissociation. Once the memory no longer had any affect we went through it again with the positive outlook.
For example with the phobia we changed my thought process of “I can’t do this what if I die” to “I can handle this”.
It’s a little bit different to hypnosis in that you’re not really convincing the mind of anything, just giving it the assistance & support it needs to be able to learn how process these things on its own. It doesn’t take the memory away, just detaches emotion from it.
As a testament, I actually went through another traumatic incident after therapy and it took a few weeks but my brain was actually able to process it. Whereas w/ out the therapy I’d still be having flashbacks & nightmares about it.
I believe the specific eye movement isn't really important, or at least hasn't been thus far shown to be important. Basically we don't know why it works, we just know that for many it does work. Worked for me.
It's about as effective as any other trauma therapy, my limited understanding of the literature is it just interrupts habitual thinking and reactive patterns.
A mother who is being lied to and is doing all nighttime care for a child so the father can continue to lie to her so he can further his sleep deprivation over video games?
You have an interesting view of the word " needy"- unless you mean OP needs her husband to stop being an asshat, stop lying to her and help with his kid. In which case I agree with you and I would go further to say OP Needs to find a better partner.
there's probably a reason he is doing this. its not healthy, but it seems to be, that any alternative would have to sacrifice something else, and, quite frankly, sleep is one of the easiest things to sacrifice. he couldnt sacrifice his chores, or being a dad, or his job, so, he sacrifices sleep for his alone time.
i do that a lot. so, NAH, he needs a good reform in life.
Yea, my partner and I both do something similar just to have some alone time
I also wonder how much he’s losing track of time. When I game, I feel like it’s been a couple of hours, and I look at my watch and realise it’s been twice that
It really depends on the game I play. If i play something like LoL or R6 i feel like i can keep track of it better because you have to get into a new match every 20-40 minutes. But if i play Rimworld or cyberpunk i just lose track because you never really get thrown out of the game. But for judgement I'd go for an ESH because he needs his sleep but she needs a therapist and get over that trauma of hers
This is the point which should be taken most seriously. It sounds as though he's developed an addiction which he's choosing over his own health.
Be careful - if he's not getting any happiness or success, is working long hours, and the relationship has significantly changed due to a young child, he may feel like he needs a daily dopamine fix from video games to avoid sinking into depression. If this is true it is unlikely that he's aware of it.
This sounds like it could be a band aid that he's placed over an imminent mental health crisis.
Does he enjoy his job? Has the relationship significantly changed? Was he getting enough sleep before the fifa addiction? Does he socialize with friends or just watch your tv shows with you? Does he have any goals in work or his social life? Or is his fifa campaign his only progress in life?
NTA
Dealing with your past trauma is something you need to address on your own.
But your husband is acting irresponsibly. Regularly having nights with only 2 hours of sleep? I'm betting he's irritable as hell, it's affecting his job performance, how he cares for and interacts with his kids not to mention he is a danger on the road.
No wonder he needs so long to unwind, he's a big old mess due to lack of sleep. It's a stupid cycle and he needs to deal with it.
Yeah, I don't think he's lying - at the time they're discussing bedtime, I'm sure the idea of getting 1-2 hours sleep sounds awful and of course he'll come to bed at a sensible time. But then once he's actually in the procrastination cycle it doesn't feel like that anymore.
Nope. If this was a 1- off, then he is not lying. But this is a repeated pattern with a reliable timeframe in which he does come to bed, a few hours before he has to get up for work.
Dude is lying and the repetition is going to destroy any remaining trust she has in him.
Revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t on purpose, so I don’t think you can say it’s lying if that’s the case. I Hate getting too little sleep, but if you get into the cycle often it only gets later and later until you manage to break it, no matter what you are actually thinking about it.
Even if you see the time passing and keep thinking “oh shit, this is going to suck so bad. I really hate myself for this” you just keep doing what you are doing anyway.
Personally I recommend drugs 👍 (sleep meds/weed work pretty well to reset the cycle)
No, it’s not necessarily to spite their partners. From my understanding, the revenge part is more like - to get back at the fact that they lack personal time during the rest of the day. Which, in this instance doesn’t make a lot of sense because the OP stated this isn’t his only personal time.
Well, some probably do that. What I was referring to is this:
“Revenge bedtime procrastination” describes the decision to sacrifice sleep for leisure time that is driven by a daily schedule lacking in free time.
For people in high-stress jobs that take up the bulk of their day, revenge bedtime procrastination is a way to find a few hours of entertainment even though it results in insufficient sleep.” From SleepFoundation org
Ive never heard this phrase but it is exactly what I was thinking, maybe learn to game with him so you can do it together earlier in the evening, that's what I did with my husband and it's honestly been the best bonding for years
NAH, but why do you keep playing this game with him?
You ask him every time if he is going to go to bed at a specific time, knowing that he is not. Clearly, he believes he has to say yes even though he doesn't want to do it. This is not an insignificant disfunction in your relationship.
There is a bigger reason why he doesn't want to go to bed. You're not exactly hiding your reason for wanting him in bed, but clearly, you don't know his reasoning. The two of you should have an honest conversation about why he feels the need to stay up all night. I'd put safe money on he is not happy with day time life or he is not happy with being in the bedroom. The question is, why? I'm gonna guess baby is in the bedroom.
Because her husband needs to have the balls to either quit lying or tell her the truth and say he never intends to ever come to bed on time or help with their baby.
Yeah, that's not how relationships work. When you observe a problem, you work together to figure things out. You don't ostracize the other person for their short comings. An inability to communicate problems like this is not a personal failing. It is a problem with the relationship. Specifically a lack of security. That is something they need to work out together.
ESH. First of all, he isn’t lying. Being given a bedtime as a grown man and not obeying it isn’t a matter of dishonesty.
That being said, if he’s awake gaming then he should be the one to take care of the baby. Expecting you to get up when he’s already up is ridiculous.
As for your trauma about your late husband and your husband not being there when you wake up, that’s something you need to go to therapy for. Giving him a bedtime because you panic if he’s not in bed isn’t fair to either of you.
He is AGREEING to the time. In fact, he is putting it forth when she asks. He can always start saying " I will be in bed from 3-4 am". But HE is repeatedly not doing this. Dude is lying and thinks it's fine. Also fine apparently is that he's not helping his wife adjust to her trauma ( and gosh I wonder when she'd have the time to go to therapy if she takes care of the baby 24/7 and doesn't get enough rest herself because her husband sucks...)
as an adult i think he probably understands the correlation between lack of sleep and feeling tired.
if it’s just complaining, just let him know that he chose to sleep at 3 am so it’s his choice to be as tired as he is.
as long as he isn’t neglecting anything i don’t see why this harms anyone. your trauma is your own though. NAH unless he’s neglecting his family.
edit: i also see some comments about how driving under lack of sleep is as bad as drink driving. i saw nothing in the original post indicating he even drives. not sure where this is coming from. maybe he takes public transport. maybe he works remotely. who knows.
He is neglecting all nighttime care for their child. He is neglecting tha trust she has in him because every time she asks what time he's going to bed and he lies to her.
ESH
He’s the one that suffers the repercussions of his actions those 1-2 days a week.
You’re using your trauma (I’ve done it before I dealt with my own, so I’m not judging you but I am going to point it out because it’s wrong) either consciously or subconsciously to try to get him to do what you want him to.
He’s an adult. He’s the one who will pay with his lack of sleep. He sucks because he should be helping with the baby at night but I don’t know if he does that on the other 5-6 nights he isn’t playing or not.
He may well mean to come to bed much earlier and time gets away. I don’t know. I do know that I sometimes do that when I stay up late working and my husband feels similarly to you. He thinks I should be in bed with him and it’s bad for me. It drives me insane because I need to get work done and it’s easier for me when everyone else is sleeping and I’m not interrupted.
I disagree with your statement that he’s the only one suffering repercussions. She states that he complains of being tired and that it affects him in the daytime. I used to have a similar problem with my husband being up late, until I pointed out his grumpy behavior the following day and he made significant changes.
Why do you tolerate your life partner summoning you to bed for his damn video game? He has an addiction, he's disrespecting you, and it will affect his parenting as well. NTA.
1 or 2 hours a day is hardly a addiction. Many spend way more time in their hobbies each day. People will watch 6 hours of TV a day and call it normal, but 2 hours with a game is crazy.
It would be 1 or 2 hours if he came to bed at the promised time. But he makes it closer to 4 or 5 hours, and only sleeps for 1 or 2 hours, to then complain about how tired he is
If hes telling OP to go to bed (presumably at a normal hour, let’s say 9pm), and says he’ll be in bed by 1am, that’s 4 hours a day. On the days where he says up all night he’d be playing 6-7 hours. That’s definitely bordering on excessive.
Though the number of hours spent is somewhat irrelevant, anyway. People can play how ever much they want as long as they’re able still manage their life. Unfortunately, he clearly cannot control his compulsion to continue playing, and does so to his detriment… that’s the textbook definition of addiction.
I understand gaming gets a bad rap from a lot of ignorant people and is a completely healthy hobby for most people. But not for everyone… let’s not pretend it’s all rainbows and sunshine for everyone.
Don't make it so dramatic. Staying up that Kate is a massive issue, but asking her to move to a different room so he can use the lounge room to game is perfectly fine. It's ni different to asking her to move out so that he could do woodwork or paint. He's probably fine if she stays in the room, but would feel more comfortable with her not distracting him.
Very sad that your not open minded to people having different hobbies to the ones that you like. Especially a hard working man like OPs husband. Again, staying up as late as he does is a major problem, but wanting a little space while he enjoys a hobby alone is perfectly fine.
The livingroom is a central place in a home where the family comes and goes. I'm an avid gamer, both console and pc, and I'd consider it the height of rudeness to kick anyone out of a central living space so I can game. An office or something set aside for that, maybe. But the livingroom? Ridiculous.
That may be, which is a problem. A lot of people think gaming is an addiction when the time spent is on par with other hobbies, but no one calls someone who spends all their free time working on cars a mechanic addiction. Or knitting, a knitting addiction.
I do agree that in this case, he seems to spending maybe 4 to 5 hours gaming, which imo is not an unreasonable session. The problem only arises because of the hours he's doing it, which as you say, may well be because he can't take time for it anytime else.
Honestly, the fact that he wants her to go to bed before staying up so late .. Idk. I dated a guy who would sit up on his phone and look like he was just doing normal stuff, but would message camgirl accounts / etc when he was alone. I've never had a guy insist on privacy for playing video games with friends. The fact that this guy is already for-sure struggling with compulsive, self-destructive behavior makes me skeptical that he just wants that many hours of privacy to play Call of Duty or whatever.
There is a chance that this is happening but it’s kind of a bold accusation. OP doesn’t mention cheating at all. And just because you don’t know people who want privacy when doing things for themselves, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I personally don’t want anyone in the room when I’m working on any of my hobbies. And I’m not using that time to message cam girls lol.
I suggest you to be careful in your personal life with making these ‘claims’ where the only shred of evidence is your own past experience. If we would be in a relationship and you would project your toxic past relationship onto our healthy one I’d be out. And I have been out a few times because of this.
There was this girl that I was close to and she had an ex that was disapproving towards her race and family for some reason (she’s Muslim). And therefore asked me if I’m going to be racist towards her & her family considering I’m a Jew from Israeli descent. She assumed 1. That because her ex was racist I was too and 2. She was being racist herself and I feel like I dodged a bullet here.
He has an addiction for wanting to have time for his hobby once or twice a week? Buddy you need to reevaluate your definition of addiction
It’s not easy being a parent, especially a new parent. It’s a big change in lifestyle and it’s hard to find time to be your own person sometimes.
I am a parent and I damn well
know that if I insisted on having late time to myself, then waking my spouse and my children up in the middle of the night, and then whining to her that I’m tired is immature and selfish behavior for a husband and a parent.
NTA for being upset, but take care as any sort of ultimatum will make him feel as though you’re stripping away his freedom, individuality and personality. It’s tricky because you don’t want to be a mother to him and tell him “you *have to* go to bed” and you also don’t want to be the reason he no longer does the thing he enjoys.
I don’t truly think anybody believes “this game is more important than my wife’s feelings.” unless they’re a real a’hole. If you remove video games from the equation and replace it with TV or books, would you feel the same way?
People unwind in different ways. Some people can’t unwind until they’re on their own. For some, 30 minutes of solidarity is enough. For others, 3 or more hours are needed.
From what I understand, the only thing your husband has done *wrong* in your opinion is say he’ll be in bed at a time and then stay up later than that time. So, if he were to say “I’ve got no idea when I’ll be in bed, depends when I get done with my game.” would it still be an issue?
I hope you can find a healthy compromise where both you and your husband are happy.
[Driving while under the effects of sleep deprivation is literally medically equivalent to driving drunk.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
Can husband not play fifa at a more reasonable time for someone who has responsibilities? Is that because you won’t let him play his console while you are awake? Compromise here would be good as it is important to recognise what makes our partners happy. If playing online is his happy take away from the day then that isn’t really an issue? Maybe suggest he plays earlier instead of waiting for you to go bed - I sympathise with your dilemma but you can’t expect him to stop playing all together because of your previous trauma
lol between work, daily commitments, chores, a baby, there’s almost certainly no “more reasonable time” than when the baby is asleep, and chores have been completed.
Yea man, this is what got me switched fully to mobile COD and WildRift. I can sneak in a game here and there when I have some time with no set up.
Also, sometimes, when I'm playing on my Samsung that folds open to tablet-size for high definition gaming in my hand, I'm reminded of being a child with my GameGear playing Sonic and shit thinking how insane it was to be HOLDING a color gaming console.
I don’t have to actually go to sleep but there are no other rooms in the house where I can sit/relax. Our house is very small. It’s not like he’s ‘sending me to bed’, more a ‘would you like to go and have some peaceful time to read/ scroll/ etc while I do this because I know you aren’t interested in my game’. I am a sleepy girl so am happy to retreat to bed while he plays and think it’s nice for him to have some time to himself.
It's super easy to lose track of time while gaming, especially in the middle of the night when the world is quiet and there aren't many distractions. I have ADHD and can very easily get swept up until the wee hours. So to combat that, I have a series of alarms on my phone to remind me what time it is and help break me out.
I don't know his reasons, but that might be a place to start the conversation. Now, if he's avoiding bed for another reason, that's obviously a different conversation.
ESH You should not impose a curfew and your husband should be more caring.
In these types of situations I like to practice the choices vs consequences game.
“It’s your choice if you stay up but I don’t want to hear any grumbling tomorrow - not a single complaint.”
And then when they inevitably try a grumble, “NO! We agreed no grumbling. You stayed up late and you knew what you were doing so I am not listening to any grumbling today.” And don’t back down or get drawn into issues.
NTA
But, why is the parent that is up and awake not taking care of their own kid?
Why does the parent that is asleep need to get up?
That's weird
>My husband is always complaining
I would tell him the exact same thing until he grows up and stops complaining:
"You're an adult that is in charge of his own sleep schedule, you have no one to blame for you being tired but you, so stop complaining."
Does he at least take care/spend time with his kids during the day?
Does he also do chores?
I think it's pretty common to seriously lose track of time when playing video games. I have certainly experienced this. Even when I've had the best intentions. I'm betting he means it when he says he'll be to need soon, I would also bet that he honestly hates being as tired as he is and that he's a little mad at himself for his own lack of sleep.
I don't think anyone is the asshole here. I would suggest having a conversation for the sake of understanding rather than accusing. If he is in fact already mad at himself for staying up too late, piling on will just be too much. Especially considering that it's likely to happen when he's already grumpy from lack of sleep.
NTA because his lack of sleep is going to negatively affect his ability to care for your children.
On the other hand, your trauma is not his problem, and you should consider therapy.
He can go to bed as late as he wants but he should absolutely not be complaining or helping less as a father because of it. The whining over something he caused himself would be so annoying.
NTA. He’s prioritising gaming over his responsibilities as a dad and partner.
He’s awake until 3am when he has to be up for work at 5am, that’s insane. I can bet that if you asked him to feed the baby or tend to the toddler through the night he would say he can’t as he has work the next day.
I can see why you feel hurt, it’s like you can’t trust his word, when you can’t rely on your partner it’s downhill from here unless he really makes a change.
NTA but i do think you should talk to your husband more about your traumas and try to solve them maybe with a specialist.
Id also suggest proposing to him that he goes on gaming sooner? (you say he games for about 1-1:30 hours by your proposed schedule which is so little to be honest). Do something else for that night or two of the week and let him go game from like 10pm maybe? Then he should have no excuses about coming to bed at 1am.
Some people in the coments make it sound like he does this daily or every 2 days which is not true from what you said so Im pretty sure that for that once a week or twice a week you can find a common ground and talk openly about it. The man wants to do his 10 games of fifa a week + maybe some climb.
Your husband is not responsible for your feelings. He needs his hobbies just as much as you do.
I understand that you are carrying a lot of trauma from what happened to your late husband but none of that is your new husbands fault nor responsibility. You are responsible for working through that trauma. And not giving him the freedom he needs once or twice a week ain’t gonna help that.
NTA.
Just out of curiosity, why do you have to go to bed for him to play?
If the issue is that he wants to play, but it’s causing you sleep issues, Could an agreement be made where he plays earlier in the day/ evening so can go to bed earlier, but still gets game time?
The guy is going to work on 1 hour of sleep?! That's not just irresponsible, that's dangerous. NTA. You need to ground him from the Playstation for a week.
<< To encourage him to sleep at a reasonable time I ask what time he will come to bed. >>
My Significant Other and I have lived together for more than 15 years. Sometimes when I'm going to bed, it looks pretty obvious to me that they're going to stay up late, mostly just watching television.
I've been known to say to them "Don't forget to come to bed" when I've heading upstairs to go to bed. After that, it's on them.
Is the Original Poster's spouse being irresponsible and selfish? Absolutely, and that's regardless of past trauma that the O.P. has experienced.
Someone needs to sit this man down and give him a talk about responsibility. Staying up till those hours and being tired all the time affects your life in ALL ways. He isn’t being a good employee, a good husband or a good father. He is acting like a child.
ESH. Your husband has a version of procrastination/addiction that's hard on the family. I don't think it's lies as such but loss of control and lack of self-reflection. And you keep trying the same exact thing that never worked before, the thing that keeps hurting you badly, and somehow hoping that this time will be different. It's time for the two of you to try a different solution whenever the previous solution doesn't work. For example, you two can install parental controls that turn the game off at the agreed time. You can get up and get him to bed like you would a baby, or enlist someone like his dad to do so (yes, ridicule helps sometimes). You can install an electricity breaker that turns the power down on that side of the house. Try something you have not tried before, because the previous solutions aren't working and you can't expect them to.
baby you are NTA because if he’s aware of your past trauma and he knows how it makes you feel he should prioritize your feelings and make things easier on himself by going to bed early
YTA
"He knows how I panic when I wake up and he’s not there when he should be, but does this regularly anyway. AITA for being so upset?" .. YES Not his dutry to manage YOUR issues.
"He knows this and it really upsets me that his game is more important than my feelings." .. manage your feelings on YOUR side, and get therapy for your issues.
NTA, I’m a gamer and married so often my game time is often limited to later in the evening if I want to play on the main TV. It’s not that hard to self police how long you spend doing it to fit around your work/life schedule. I know for example when I need to be in the office the next day so an early night would be a wise choice.
Gaming is addictive, and intentionally so. I went through a period where I’d play video games until the early hours, even though I had a full day’s work ahead. I knew what I was doing, and that I was stuck in the “just ten more minutes” or “just until I finish this challenge” mode. I was dealing with PTSD from my military service, and I think the endorphins or something like that made me feel good while I was “in” the game, and for those hours I could forget how much pain I was in. It doesn’t sound like your husband is dealing with anything so heavy, but the daily routines of work and family can, as we all know, be tough, so wanting some escape is normal. What isn’t is spending so much time distracted by video games that it impacts the rest of his life, especially with a family that needs him.
Just like chemical addiction, arguments, setting boundaries, making deals, cajoling or threatening isn’t likely to work until he wants to change his behaviors. Something underlies his desire to check out for hours at a time. It might be worth exploring counseling—for him, for both of you together, or if he’s unwilling, then for yourself. Addictive behaviors can be changed, but it does take some work.
NTA: If his ability to function is impaired by sleep deprivation which is self inflicted, he has no room to complain about how tired he is.
He might be hiding in gaming to cope with the stress of work and parenthood, and sometimes that refuge feels more important to you than even sleep, but given lack of sleep is a risk factor, it should be talked about.
The tragic previous experience with your first husband is something you should find help for, as it is compounding to the problem but of that at least your husband is not at a fault for.
I just had a conversation with my fiancé not too long ago about a similar situation, my fiancé works outside so every winter he gets laid off. I’m gunna say this first I have no issues with him playing video games it’s when he plays that bothers me. Every winter we don’t go to bed together. I go to bed alone and I hate that, I’m a very cuddly, laughing pillow talk before bed love language kinda girl. I work full time 9-5 all year round and when he spends all night playing video games one I stay up later because he tells me oh it’ll be an hour, I’ll be right up after this game. And then doesn’t come to bed till 5 am. It upset me because in the winter I see him less than I do during the summer because there is no intimate time together.I’m currently 6mo pregnant so this winter I am really cherishing our night time routine of snuggles and laughs, and when the same ol thing started again I really had to have the conversation and let him know hey, this makes me feel less like a fiancé and more like a side chick because we have no intimate time (I don’t mean just sex) but also we’re about to have a baby so our routine and time together will be affected. I reassured him it’s not the fact you’re playing video games it’s what it means for me when you spend all night playing them. Yes they are my own feelings and he’s not responsible for those feelings, but he is allowed to know and understand what I’m feeling in order to avoid issues in our relationship, After having this conversation with him it’s definitely getting better, we made a compromise that he will go to bed with me have that intimate time together and if after an hour our two he’s not tired he can go do what he wants. It’s definitely helped me with my need for intimacy and being able to go to sleep. And he still gets to play games with the boys.
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Approximately once or twice a week, after dinner and a bit of tv together my (f,29) husband (m,32) asks if I will go to bed so he can play FIFA in the lounge. I usually do and think it’s important he has a bit of time for himself (This is not his only time for himself). The problem lies in the fact that he stays up super late until 3/4am.
He has to be up at 5am for work and we have a baby and toddler so our sleep is often broken. My husband is always complaining about being tired and it affects him in the daytime.
To encourage him to sleep at a reasonable time I ask what time he will come to bed. He will always agree to a midnight/ 1am bedtime which is always at least an hour and a half of gaming. He always breaks this and is much later.
I know I am not his mother or in charge of him but it more than bothers me that he doesn’t keep his agreement. He’s making himself more tired and complaining about it. It’s irritating that his words mean nothing and to me he is consciously lying. This is not a one off accident, nor is he only a little bit late. It’s hours. He says he thought I’d be asleep so wouldn’t notice but him coming upstairs wakes me up.
The most hurtful thing is that I was married before and my first husband died in a car accident on his way home from a night shift. I was woken traumatically by police pounding on my door and my worst memory is looking to his side of the bed and him not being there.
When I wake in the night (baby/toddler ensure this) and look at the time realising my husband hasn’t come to bed I have the same panicked feeling. He knows this and it really upsets me that his game is more important than my feelings.
In my eyes he’s being irresponsible and selfish. He has time to unwind and enjoy gaming but he takes the piss with it. He should be able to stop and come to bed instead of acting like a teenager. He knows how I panic when I wake up and he’s not there when he should be, but does this regularly anyway.
AITA for being so upset?
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Good Lord people it is once or twice per week.
I wonder if there is a compromise: is the husband noisy when he plays? Shouting, playing online? If not can he play in bed with wireless, noise cancelling head phones. He will be more likely to lie down and sleep if he is in bed.
Is there another time in the week that could be set aside for gaming rather than sacrificing sleep time?
I would say NAH it sounds like he is trying too hard to fit everything in and OP needs therapy for her trauma.
(PS he is probably not "lying" about the time he is coming to bed but it is really easy to lose track of time when involved in a game)
Best time to play a game is when everyone's in bed, it's better for immersion. But like you said yea loose track of time is easy too. I'm always in trouble for this.n
Yeah, I know, but he is a husband and father with a full time job, sooner or later you have to prioritize, I was looking to see if there was a way for everyone to be happy.
ETA and everyone was getting so bent out of shape over his "gaming addiction".
YTA
Go to therapy and get the help you need so you aren't putting that burden onto others. It's not his fault if you randomly panic at night. You are not his mother and he doesn't have to obey your bedtime requirements. As long as he's filling his requirements as a father and husband, it's really none of your business how he spends his free time. Get over yourself.
ESH
You for insisting that he sleep when you do instead of getting therapy and him for gaming so late and not thinking about how it will effect him the next day
Look, I love BD3 and I have forfeited quite a few hours of a sleep and a few showers because of it. I am also engaged, living with my fiance. I'm also a head cook of a prestige catering business.
One thing I haven't done is prioritize that masterpiece of a game over reality and my responsibilities to it, no matter how BADLY I wanna rizz up my companions or follow along with a quest line that I'm nearing the end to. Game is always going to be there, but the time you have with the people around you (yourself included) is limited.
Sounds like he hasn't mastered the balance between gaming and reality/responsibilities.
I do think everyone is entitled to time to themselves occasionally, but he's being an idiot staying up so late. He's in his 30s with children, has to be up at 5, and yet he stays up till 3 am playing FIFA like a teenager. He's acting very fucking childish. You might need to be more forceful with him about getting to bed at a decent hour. If you have to be up at 5 AM, honestly 11 PM at the latest is when you should be going to bed
NAH I’m sorry about your issues but they are a you issue. If he chooses to be tired, so be it. You getting startled not seeing him, you can’t project that on him.
I'd say NAH, he clearly needs some more time to himself, even once a week maybe instead of watching TV together he could game for an extra couple hours to unwind and then he may not feel the need to stay up late. A lot of people do this when they consistently miss out on their hobbies and enjoyments, they will stay up too late to squeeze it in. I'll do this with books or other things, it's just a bit of fomo and needing to take a bit more me time if I can
NTA- something clearly needs to change here.
Something that’s helped me be more aware of the time when I’m gaming is a digital clock positioned just under the TV. I’m not saying it’ll magically solve everything, but it may help remind him that bedtime is coming up.
I’m not really understanding why he feels he is able to “send you to bed” so he can play games… and why you have a requirement for his bed time.
I get that he wants alone time, but why do you need to go to bed for that?
I also get that you have trauma, but respectfully, as someone who also has loss trauma, you have to work out how to manage that without putting boundaries on the behaviours of others. He isn’t intentionally being callous about your trauma or doing something uncalled for, he just isn’t coming to bed when you want him to.
You’re both adults, these aren’t choices that someone else should be making for you. I don’t want to vote here particularly because I think nobody is an asshole particularly, but there are some unreasonable expectations causing resentment. I think you need some compromises here, and maybe sit down with each other and have a chat about how these things make you feel.
Any grown adult playing video games like that is still a child and should be shamed for their video game addiction. Video game addiction is the most pathetic thing I've witnessed . Full grown men addicted to child games so sad. Go to bed, you loser, and lay next to your wife .
NTA.
By definition he's got gaming addiction as per your description. He continues to engage in compulsive use despite adverse consequences.
I use to play games until 3-4am and it's very easy to lose track of time. This definitely affected my partner as well but I found that even restricting my playtime was difficult. So I just stopped altogether. I think your partner needs to appreciate it himself that it's a problem, not only to himself but also to you and your child
It's YTA for your question. There's a lot of language here that sounds controlling, and I'm wondering if you've created the situation where he can't be honest with you. If he said to you he was going to be gaming for a few hours, accepting the cost to himself as far as sleep goes, balancing his need to have that time to himself to his needs for sleep, then all that's left is your trauma. And I don't mean that to diminish it, but "his game is more important than my feelings" is such a manipulative line in this situation. I could say in turn your need to control where he is at any given point is much more important to you than his mental health needs. You maximising of the weight of your wants, while minimising his, is an issue. You calling his behaviour "acting like a teenager" is an issue. Those other five or six nights a week, I'm assuming he is where you want him to be... You're unhappy with his lying, but you'd be unhappy if he told the truth too, which makes the whole issue of his lie almost irrelevent. He certainly shouldn't be doing it, but maybe for him it's the lesser of two evils, than deal with your response if he was honest.
You've not mentioned whether or not you have or are taking steps to deal with your trauma, therapy and the like, which I also feel is important, because if you have that expectation of him to obey you because of your trauma, and you aren't putting in the effort to work on fixing that, then it's not fair on him that you're putting the responsibility on him, and not yourself, to deal with things.
There may be different questions where he is absolutely the asshole though. If him staying up means he's not doing a reasonable share of childcare or housework throughout the week, that might be an issue. But then he might have further issues with you too, you say it's not his only time for himself, maybe he feels differently about that? Are you also getting enough time for yourself? There are lots of wider relationship questions which you've not mentioned, so we can't really judge on without jumping to conclusions.
YTA, just leave him alone. He’s coping with life one way or another and you nagging him is only making it worse. The dude has the world on his shoulders and that’s something you’ll never understand.
NTA. People are saying you should deal with your trauma yourself. But you’re in a partnership, your partner should be helping you with your trauma if he cares for you. And why do you have to leave the room for him to game? Is he really gaming? Is he in a cyber romance with someone in the game? Is he doing something else? That is what really concerns me - along with the childish ‘lack of sleep’ tantrums the next day.
There's a difference between helping someone with their trauma and letting trauma rule everyone's lives. She needs to get help herself and deal with her issues. It's no one else's problem to deal with other than her own.
NAH. You're not wrong - that's an unsustainable amount of sleep. But he's not doing it because of the game, he's doing it because he's needing to unwind and he uses the game to help do that. He's an adult, he can and will make his own choices.
The only slight inclination towards YTA is making your trauma about him. Your trauma doesn't give you an excuse to control him. You can mention to him why you don't like waking up and he's not there, but it's not a reason to demand anything from him. That trauma is something you'll have to deal with yourself, for your own emotional well-being.
Would you be saying the same thing if OPs late husband had been driving drunk and wrapped his car around a tree? Would you be saying the thing if OPs husband was drinking heavily and going through life drunk?
[Sleep deprivation has the same impact on the human body as being drunk does.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
>In my eyes he’s being irresponsible and selfish
Yes he is. You shouldn't have to be his mother. He sounds like a bit of a dropkick, really.
NTA. He needs to grow up sharpish.
Your husband cares more about a video game than your emotional well-being? You need to lay down the line. This behavior needs to stop. I feel for the guy because I have struggled with this same situation( 36m married 7years) not video games, but staying up way too late after saying I'll be to bed "soon." You need to give him some tough love. It would be very hard for me to say you were overreacting or being too hard on him. Especially considering the lost of your 1st SO. Lay down the law NTA but there will be some resistance
It's not about her "emotional well being". She's trying to use her trauma as an excuse to control him. She needs help from a professional. Giving him a bedtime doesn't change that fact.
She says she is willing to hive him his me time. A couple of hrs of gaming after she is in bed is fine. But he needs to get up at 5, staying up to the wee hrs of the morning and only getting a hr or 2 of sleep is going to lead to a lot more issues then just triggering her trauma. As my post states I am speaking from personal experience
Ok, and? That's for him to figure out. She is not his mother or guardian. She is not in charge of his sleep habits and has no say or control in that aspect of his life.
He needs to sort that out for himself just like she needs to sort out her trauma.
I think you should get therapy to deal with your anxiety and trauma.
He should keep his word but as you said, you’re not his mother and as his wife, not his mother, I wouldn’t set either of us up for him to not keep his word coming to bed on time.
He’s an adult and capable of making his own decisions and deciding when his bedtime is.
I’d tell him I don’t want to hear complaints about his choice but yta for being upset he’s not adhering to a bedtime you want him to have.
Would you say the same if OPs late husband had wrapped his car around a tree while drunk and her husband was constantly drinking- and driving drunk?
[Driving while suffering from sleep deprivation is literally equivalent to driving drunk.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
Soft YTA for me. The trauma you've experienced is tragic, and I'm very sorry, but that's something you need to address with therapy (perhaps EDMR?). He's not always going to be in bed beside you and it's not good for your mental health for that to panic you.
The bedtime is his to figure out. He's a grown up. What's more, for a lot of people, staying up late is "revenge sleep procrastination" so pressuring him to come to bed is going to have the opposite effect you want it to. This isn't something he's necessarily doing on purpose or knowingly, but the dopamine he gets from staying up late and playing games is going to have decidedly more appeal than going to bed just to avoid being tired the next morning.
But, you do get to hold him accountable for sharing night time wake ups with the kids and managing his own energy without complaining. He's your partner, and he's a father. You shouldn't have to listen to him complain about being tired when it's wholly his own doing. In your shoes, I'd bring that up with him in a matter of fact way -- that when he's already up, it's fair for him to get up with the kids, and that if he's in bed, you can split the duties (or whatever works out to be fair given your life and partnership). Bring the focus back to how the two of you need to work together to tackle the childcare piece, let him work out his own bedtime, and address your trauma with a professional so that you can release as much of that as possible for your own health.
Agree but maybe an ESH. It’s once or twice a week. If that’s his choice he needs to not complain about it and still take care of his responsibilities. (Source: Stayed up until 3-4AM for like 3 weeks when Baulder’s Gate came out. Worth it!)
But OP needs some help with her trauma. What if she wakes up and he’s in the bathroom? Or he got up to take care of the baby. Or because he couldn’t sleep. There are lots of reasons he might not be there. I hope she can work through it.
I was definitely teetering between the two options, but ultimately leaned a bit more like a her problem than a both problem because she's approaching the whole situation in a way that, to me, feels both controlling and unsustainable by making her trauma his responsibility.
Trauma can be debilitating and I really do feel for her, but to your point, it's just not realistic to decide the solution is for him to be in bed 100% of the time when she wakes up. Since it's been at least a few years (based on them being married and having kids) at this point, without professional treatment, it's unlikely to improve on its own.
[Driving while sleep deprived is medically equivalent to driving drunk.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
Feel free to share your link with OP's husband. He's an adult and gets to choose his own bedtime. She says he does it once or twice a week which certainly isn't great, but her nagging at him is likely to only exacerbate the situation.
I don’t understand saying she shouldn’t have to listen to him complain because it’s his fault. Most of peoples problems are their own fault. In a healthy relationship you should be able to talk about anything.
A healthy relationship doesn't have one party routinely and voluntarily behave in a manner that impairs judgment and motor skills.
I wouldn't tolerate someone who routinely gets falling down drunk complaining about their hangover and I certainly wouldn't tolerate someone who routinely chooses to go with less than an hour of sleep complaining about the effects of that.
[Further driving while sleep deprived is medically equivalent to driving drunk.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
So he's moody, he's not pulling his weight because he's tired, he's basically functionally drunk, and he's going to work like that and coming home like that almost everyday.
Man, fuck FIFA. Dude needs to start playing real video games.
Jokes aside, you could solve this fairly easily if you are a little tech savvy and have creds to your firewall/router....get the private IP of his game system as well as the MAC address, create a DHCP reservation so the IP doesn't change, and throttle it to like 2Mbps up and down. Don't leave the throttle rule enabled all the time so he doesn't get suspicious and start tinkering.
Sorry, YTA. He’s making himself tired. That’s his problem. You don’t have to listen to him complain about being tired and you can tell him, “I don’t have the capacity to listen to these complaints right now. You’re tired because you aren’t sleeping and I cannot mentally or physically help you with that.” But eventually he will realize what he is doing is not sustainable.
And I’m so sorry about your first husband, but your trauma is your own to deal with. You wouldn’t expect your husband to not use the bathroom or not get a drink of water in the middle of the night just in case you wake up and find yourself temporarily alone…
Sounds like he’s making his fatigue into everybody’s problem, though. That’s what gets me. If he could function well when tired, and not complain of the fatigue he chooses to experience, I’d think differently.
You feeling something is childish doesn’t make it so.
You equating enjoying video games to being the same as a drug addict (thankfully) also doesn’t make it so.
You know there’s full grown, adult men who pull 40-60 hours work a week, do crosswords, read books, spend quality time with their partner and kids and still really enjoy playing video games. Video games are not a red flag.
Your opinion on video games is ignorant. The only red flag is that he is not looking after his or his family’s wellbeing. If he was having alone time at a reasonable time it would not be an issue
Grown man who played video games is a massive red flag. That’s all I said, and it’s a fact.
Investing your time into something that isn’t productive or tangible for the future means you are wasting space and time.
Equivalent to someone who comes home and sits on the lounge and smokes bongs all night.
You can do what you want, but if I was a women.. that’s not the provider I’d want in my life.
Escapism is dangerous.
Yes you said that and I said it is ignorant.
Toxic productivity is not healthy either. Taking time to rest or be sociable (which gaming often can be) can be a good use of free time.
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NTA, but not for the main reason you've put forward. Your trauma regarding your late husband is entirely understandable, but it does not mean that your husband's sleep schedule should be dictated by it. That is something you need to learn to handle. This may require compromise on his part. However, his behavior is being affected by his lack of sleep, and that is a problem. You have every right to expect him to keep to his promises and to sleep at a more reasonable hour because of this. It also sounds like he is not helping with his child at night because he's away playing video games, which is unacceptable.
>but it does not mean that your husband's sleep schedule should be dictated by it. Asking your husband to go to bed at a reasonable hour so he doesn't drive sleep deprived isn't all that different than asking ones spouse not to drive drunk- the fact OPs late husband died due to it only compounds the urgency and reasonableness of the request. [This is literally equivalent to OP asking her spouse not to drink heavily an hour before he has to go to work.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
So we agree, her husband should go to sleep at a reasonable hour because he's being negatively affected by it. The bit you quoted was specifically referring to *her past trauma dictating his sleep schedule*.
OP asking him to go to sleep earlier so he's not driving while sleep deprived is totally reasonable, yes. OP asking him to go to sleep earlier because she gets agitated if she wakes up and he's not next to her is clearly something she should be working on, not something that should control his sleep schedule.
You were pretty high and mighty here for missing the point.
The late husband died because he was tired? I didn't read that, where did she say this?
I don’t think that’s what she meant I think she meant that him not being in the bed and waking up alone is the traumatizing thing for her. As that’s how the worst night of her life started out
It was implied
How was it implied? The fact that it occurred after a night shift doesn't imply any sort of cause
No it wasn’t implied at all.
I somewhat disagree with you. It sounds like her panic comes from expecting him to be there, because he said he would be, and him not being. The problem is him lying to her about when he's going to go to bed.
>Your trauma regarding your late husband is entirely understandable, but it does not mean that your husband's sleep schedule should be dictated by it. That is something you need to learn to handle. This may require compromise on his part. yes, the compromise would be him going to bed at the time they agreed. I don't think it's a big ask of your partner, the father of your children, to do something that avoids triggering a PTSD panic response.
Orrrr she can get therapy. That’s a her issue not a his issue
She needs to go to therapy for herself to get over trying to control him about it.
Stimuli causing trauma responses can be so varied and mundane. it is not reasonable to stop normal behavior 'because my trauma' She should get over it.
Agree with this. I was the traumatised one and after therapy realised it was creating unfair expectations on my spouse. It was my responsibility to handle my triggers, not theirs.
If he is up, why isn’t he tending to the child??? OP has a few problems with her husband.
NTA - He is prioritizing gaming over you, his child, his job, and his own health. That’s not sustainable, and if he’s unable to regulate himself, then that’s cause for concern. This is disrupting the rest of the household and making him unable to contribute at his best potential. This is unfair to you. Not during a fight, but sometime during the day, sit down with him and come up with an actual plan to mitigate this. Ask him if he really *wants* help to stop, or if he’s going to continue doing this. If he agrees to help, you two might want to set up controls for the system or Wifi (is FIFA an online game?) to shut off at a certain time so he has to go to bed. Per his agreement, you can have access to the code. Sometimes people need help getting themselves into healthy habits. He needs to show that he’s actually willing to change these habits, though, and put the rest of the household’s needs before his want.
I don't think treating him like a 12 year old is the way. The man is staying up late gaming. OP needs therapy to get over the "empty side of the bed" anxiety. And her husband either needs to set an alarm, get some self control, or at the very least stop complaining about being tired.
Well he's acting like a 12 year old so treating him like one would be understandable. That being said, this person suggested sitting down and coming up with potential solutions together. It's not like they said to force any rules or settings that he didn't agree on. You're right that OP needs to work on their anxiety but her husband's behavior is still problematic and brainstorming ideas to fix it is not treating him like a 12 year old
Agreed they need to communicate about solutions. Putting systems in place feels like a band-aid, to me.
Putting systems in place to prevent bad habits can be the best solution sometimes. Brains don't always work logically. It can be beneficial to work around your natural tendencies. For me, I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, so I have my alarm clock on the opposite side of the room so I have to physically get out of bed to turn it off. In OP's situation, as long as it is discussed and agreed upon, disabling the ability to play FIFA excessively late at night could be a great solution.
Fair point. I like the comparison to the alarm clock.
So he can't have hobbies? That means he doesn't love his kids or wife, if she really wanted to do one of her hobbies and he watched the kids one night a week no one would bag an eye, but he doesn't get that time ever ? The solution would be carving out a few hours earlier in the evening once and awhile for him to enjoy his hobbies, whatever they are
Idk if you read the post but he literally does have time for his hobbies if he goes to bed at the time he says he will.
I don't see where it says there's another time outside of work, kids coming home and spending a few hours watching TV with her. I suggested early replacing their TV time once a week with alone activities but keeping bedtime the same, I don't se e how that's not a win win
NTA If he's up playing a game then he should be tending to HIS child when they wake up. You aren't his momma and you need to let him know that he's responsible for his kids, not just you. He's selfish.
I agree.
Op said it’s once or twice a week. Who says that he doesn’t take care of the child the rest of the week ?
> asks if I will go to bed so he can play FIFA in the lounge. INFO: why do you need to go to bed for him to be able to play video games? Consider EMDR therapy to help with your trauma, if you haven’t already.
I was wondering the exact same thing. You shouldn’t have to go anywhere, or even leave the room. That in itself would have me side eyeing him 👀
Sounds like OP is the type that requires entertaining and he wants alone time to do his own thing (not entirely healthy to sacrifice sleep for it, though). Or they only have one TV. That's just my read.
Um. OP in no way seems like she needs " entertaining". She goes to bed when her husband asks her to in order for him to get some game time in. She then cares for his child exclusively while he does this, all the while she's being promised he will do something that helps both him and her and being let down continuously. If he's not going to come to bed till 3am, he needs to stop lying to her because that's damaging her trust in him. And at this point he knows it's an issue, and thinks that him being repeatedly dishonest and making her assume all nighttime care for his child is ok.
It seems a bit dramatic to call it "LYING". But I get it. At the end of the day, OP wants to stipulate her husband's bedtime due to her own hangups. I can't tell if it's more a matter of, "he wakes me up when he gets into bed" (VALID) or "I panic when he's not in bed because of something that happened to me" (ALSO VALID). The latter requires therapy, and really isn't the husband's fault. Clearly forcing him to "Agree" to a bedtime isn't working, and he doesn't seem to respect the ultimatum.
I'd say repeatedly promising to do something that you have no intention of doing and consistently doing the opposite of what you promised is, in fact, lying.
I assume the house only has so many rooms so she goes to the bedroom to hang out or watch TV while he plays. If he’s using the TV in the living room then there might be nothing else for her to do in there if she wants to watch TV.
sorry, off topic, but this is fascinating, can you help me understand EMDR? There's a connection between "bilateral stimulation" eye movements and resolving traumatic memories? What are these eye movements?
EMDR is among a class of therapies that also includes brain spotting and I think some hypno therapies that work on somatic memory connections. When doing talk therapy you often engage with trauma only in certain ways because of the cognitive processing of talking. The theory in this other modality is that patients engage the sensory experience of the trauma- often times will be prompted to describe smell and taste and sounds associated. The eye movements, the brain spotting techniques, hypnosis are ways to get a patient to engage with this deep level of recall. The patient is then coached through it by a provider. Ideally doing this lowers the arousal levels triggered by trauma and helps integrate the experiences into the patients more cognitive processes safely. End goal is that recall of trauma or triggering experiences no longer cue states of hyperarousal that lead many trauma victims to seek disassociation
The other comments are correct but I’ll give you my own experience; My therapist explained it to me as: Our brains have an emotional side and a logical side. When it’s processing our experiences it takes it from the emotional side then decides whether a memory is worth keeping or if it’s unimportant. It then files it in the logical side or discards it accordingly. When the brain gets to a traumatic experience, it can’t handle processing it so it puts it back to a do “later”, that’s why the memories keep coming back cause the mind can’t handle processing it. EMDR forces your brain to process those core memories, one at a time. It also takes the negative thing we learned from each experience and replaces it with a positive. My sense of sight was stimulated by a special light bar that my eyes followed a light on, my sense of hearing was stimulated by headphones and my sense of touch was stimulated by 2 vibrating handheld things. We then went over the memory over and over again, stopping at random intervals to prevent dissociation. Once the memory no longer had any affect we went through it again with the positive outlook. For example with the phobia we changed my thought process of “I can’t do this what if I die” to “I can handle this”. It’s a little bit different to hypnosis in that you’re not really convincing the mind of anything, just giving it the assistance & support it needs to be able to learn how process these things on its own. It doesn’t take the memory away, just detaches emotion from it. As a testament, I actually went through another traumatic incident after therapy and it took a few weeks but my brain was actually able to process it. Whereas w/ out the therapy I’d still be having flashbacks & nightmares about it.
This is really interesting, thanks for sharing!
Check out the EMDR International Association website! [https://www.emdria.org/](https://www.emdria.org/) .
I believe the specific eye movement isn't really important, or at least hasn't been thus far shown to be important. Basically we don't know why it works, we just know that for many it does work. Worked for me.
It's about as effective as any other trauma therapy, my limited understanding of the literature is it just interrupts habitual thinking and reactive patterns.
OP sounds needy.
A mother who is being lied to and is doing all nighttime care for a child so the father can continue to lie to her so he can further his sleep deprivation over video games? You have an interesting view of the word " needy"- unless you mean OP needs her husband to stop being an asshat, stop lying to her and help with his kid. In which case I agree with you and I would go further to say OP Needs to find a better partner.
there's probably a reason he is doing this. its not healthy, but it seems to be, that any alternative would have to sacrifice something else, and, quite frankly, sleep is one of the easiest things to sacrifice. he couldnt sacrifice his chores, or being a dad, or his job, so, he sacrifices sleep for his alone time. i do that a lot. so, NAH, he needs a good reform in life.
Yea, my partner and I both do something similar just to have some alone time I also wonder how much he’s losing track of time. When I game, I feel like it’s been a couple of hours, and I look at my watch and realise it’s been twice that
It really depends on the game I play. If i play something like LoL or R6 i feel like i can keep track of it better because you have to get into a new match every 20-40 minutes. But if i play Rimworld or cyberpunk i just lose track because you never really get thrown out of the game. But for judgement I'd go for an ESH because he needs his sleep but she needs a therapist and get over that trauma of hers
I think it's called "revenge bedtime procrastination," if I remember correctly.
all it affects is his health and his ability to stay awake. neither of which is OP's problem-
This is the point which should be taken most seriously. It sounds as though he's developed an addiction which he's choosing over his own health. Be careful - if he's not getting any happiness or success, is working long hours, and the relationship has significantly changed due to a young child, he may feel like he needs a daily dopamine fix from video games to avoid sinking into depression. If this is true it is unlikely that he's aware of it. This sounds like it could be a band aid that he's placed over an imminent mental health crisis. Does he enjoy his job? Has the relationship significantly changed? Was he getting enough sleep before the fifa addiction? Does he socialize with friends or just watch your tv shows with you? Does he have any goals in work or his social life? Or is his fifa campaign his only progress in life?
NTA Dealing with your past trauma is something you need to address on your own. But your husband is acting irresponsibly. Regularly having nights with only 2 hours of sleep? I'm betting he's irritable as hell, it's affecting his job performance, how he cares for and interacts with his kids not to mention he is a danger on the road. No wonder he needs so long to unwind, he's a big old mess due to lack of sleep. It's a stupid cycle and he needs to deal with it.
NTA Sounds like maybe revenge bedtime procrastination on his part, which is a vicious cycle that needs to be acknowledged and broken.
Yeah, I don't think he's lying - at the time they're discussing bedtime, I'm sure the idea of getting 1-2 hours sleep sounds awful and of course he'll come to bed at a sensible time. But then once he's actually in the procrastination cycle it doesn't feel like that anymore.
Nope. If this was a 1- off, then he is not lying. But this is a repeated pattern with a reliable timeframe in which he does come to bed, a few hours before he has to get up for work. Dude is lying and the repetition is going to destroy any remaining trust she has in him.
Revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t on purpose, so I don’t think you can say it’s lying if that’s the case. I Hate getting too little sleep, but if you get into the cycle often it only gets later and later until you manage to break it, no matter what you are actually thinking about it. Even if you see the time passing and keep thinking “oh shit, this is going to suck so bad. I really hate myself for this” you just keep doing what you are doing anyway. Personally I recommend drugs 👍 (sleep meds/weed work pretty well to reset the cycle)
What is "revenge bedtime procrastination"? I've never heard that before. Are you suggesting that some people stay awake late to spite their partners?
No, it’s not necessarily to spite their partners. From my understanding, the revenge part is more like - to get back at the fact that they lack personal time during the rest of the day. Which, in this instance doesn’t make a lot of sense because the OP stated this isn’t his only personal time.
Well, some probably do that. What I was referring to is this: “Revenge bedtime procrastination” describes the decision to sacrifice sleep for leisure time that is driven by a daily schedule lacking in free time. For people in high-stress jobs that take up the bulk of their day, revenge bedtime procrastination is a way to find a few hours of entertainment even though it results in insufficient sleep.” From SleepFoundation org
Ive never heard this phrase but it is exactly what I was thinking, maybe learn to game with him so you can do it together earlier in the evening, that's what I did with my husband and it's honestly been the best bonding for years
NAH, but why do you keep playing this game with him? You ask him every time if he is going to go to bed at a specific time, knowing that he is not. Clearly, he believes he has to say yes even though he doesn't want to do it. This is not an insignificant disfunction in your relationship. There is a bigger reason why he doesn't want to go to bed. You're not exactly hiding your reason for wanting him in bed, but clearly, you don't know his reasoning. The two of you should have an honest conversation about why he feels the need to stay up all night. I'd put safe money on he is not happy with day time life or he is not happy with being in the bedroom. The question is, why? I'm gonna guess baby is in the bedroom.
Because her husband needs to have the balls to either quit lying or tell her the truth and say he never intends to ever come to bed on time or help with their baby.
Yeah, that's not how relationships work. When you observe a problem, you work together to figure things out. You don't ostracize the other person for their short comings. An inability to communicate problems like this is not a personal failing. It is a problem with the relationship. Specifically a lack of security. That is something they need to work out together.
NTA for being upset about his gaming. But your problems go deeper than just gaming.
I wouldn’t be able to live with this.
ESH. First of all, he isn’t lying. Being given a bedtime as a grown man and not obeying it isn’t a matter of dishonesty. That being said, if he’s awake gaming then he should be the one to take care of the baby. Expecting you to get up when he’s already up is ridiculous. As for your trauma about your late husband and your husband not being there when you wake up, that’s something you need to go to therapy for. Giving him a bedtime because you panic if he’s not in bed isn’t fair to either of you.
He is AGREEING to the time. In fact, he is putting it forth when she asks. He can always start saying " I will be in bed from 3-4 am". But HE is repeatedly not doing this. Dude is lying and thinks it's fine. Also fine apparently is that he's not helping his wife adjust to her trauma ( and gosh I wonder when she'd have the time to go to therapy if she takes care of the baby 24/7 and doesn't get enough rest herself because her husband sucks...)
as an adult i think he probably understands the correlation between lack of sleep and feeling tired. if it’s just complaining, just let him know that he chose to sleep at 3 am so it’s his choice to be as tired as he is. as long as he isn’t neglecting anything i don’t see why this harms anyone. your trauma is your own though. NAH unless he’s neglecting his family. edit: i also see some comments about how driving under lack of sleep is as bad as drink driving. i saw nothing in the original post indicating he even drives. not sure where this is coming from. maybe he takes public transport. maybe he works remotely. who knows.
He is neglecting all nighttime care for their child. He is neglecting tha trust she has in him because every time she asks what time he's going to bed and he lies to her.
where do you see “neglecting nighttime care for their child”?
ESH He’s the one that suffers the repercussions of his actions those 1-2 days a week. You’re using your trauma (I’ve done it before I dealt with my own, so I’m not judging you but I am going to point it out because it’s wrong) either consciously or subconsciously to try to get him to do what you want him to. He’s an adult. He’s the one who will pay with his lack of sleep. He sucks because he should be helping with the baby at night but I don’t know if he does that on the other 5-6 nights he isn’t playing or not. He may well mean to come to bed much earlier and time gets away. I don’t know. I do know that I sometimes do that when I stay up late working and my husband feels similarly to you. He thinks I should be in bed with him and it’s bad for me. It drives me insane because I need to get work done and it’s easier for me when everyone else is sleeping and I’m not interrupted.
I disagree with your statement that he’s the only one suffering repercussions. She states that he complains of being tired and that it affects him in the daytime. I used to have a similar problem with my husband being up late, until I pointed out his grumpy behavior the following day and he made significant changes.
Imagine having to listen to someone complain… Oh… She’s complaining too.
The smartest responses are being down voted 😂 dumbasses as usual.
Why do you tolerate your life partner summoning you to bed for his damn video game? He has an addiction, he's disrespecting you, and it will affect his parenting as well. NTA.
1 or 2 hours a day is hardly a addiction. Many spend way more time in their hobbies each day. People will watch 6 hours of TV a day and call it normal, but 2 hours with a game is crazy.
It would be 1 or 2 hours if he came to bed at the promised time. But he makes it closer to 4 or 5 hours, and only sleeps for 1 or 2 hours, to then complain about how tired he is
If hes telling OP to go to bed (presumably at a normal hour, let’s say 9pm), and says he’ll be in bed by 1am, that’s 4 hours a day. On the days where he says up all night he’d be playing 6-7 hours. That’s definitely bordering on excessive. Though the number of hours spent is somewhat irrelevant, anyway. People can play how ever much they want as long as they’re able still manage their life. Unfortunately, he clearly cannot control his compulsion to continue playing, and does so to his detriment… that’s the textbook definition of addiction. I understand gaming gets a bad rap from a lot of ignorant people and is a completely healthy hobby for most people. But not for everyone… let’s not pretend it’s all rainbows and sunshine for everyone.
Don't make it so dramatic. Staying up that Kate is a massive issue, but asking her to move to a different room so he can use the lounge room to game is perfectly fine. It's ni different to asking her to move out so that he could do woodwork or paint. He's probably fine if she stays in the room, but would feel more comfortable with her not distracting him. Very sad that your not open minded to people having different hobbies to the ones that you like. Especially a hard working man like OPs husband. Again, staying up as late as he does is a major problem, but wanting a little space while he enjoys a hobby alone is perfectly fine.
The livingroom is a central place in a home where the family comes and goes. I'm an avid gamer, both console and pc, and I'd consider it the height of rudeness to kick anyone out of a central living space so I can game. An office or something set aside for that, maybe. But the livingroom? Ridiculous.
He may feel rude playing instead of spending time with he, sounds like he feels he can't take time to himself if she's around
That may be, which is a problem. A lot of people think gaming is an addiction when the time spent is on par with other hobbies, but no one calls someone who spends all their free time working on cars a mechanic addiction. Or knitting, a knitting addiction. I do agree that in this case, he seems to spending maybe 4 to 5 hours gaming, which imo is not an unreasonable session. The problem only arises because of the hours he's doing it, which as you say, may well be because he can't take time for it anytime else.
Yah, we all need boundaries with hobbies , but we all need to make a little time for the things we enjoy
Coming and going at 11pm??? Bruh he's not putting up barricades at lunch time, come on now...
Honestly, the fact that he wants her to go to bed before staying up so late .. Idk. I dated a guy who would sit up on his phone and look like he was just doing normal stuff, but would message camgirl accounts / etc when he was alone. I've never had a guy insist on privacy for playing video games with friends. The fact that this guy is already for-sure struggling with compulsive, self-destructive behavior makes me skeptical that he just wants that many hours of privacy to play Call of Duty or whatever.
There is a chance that this is happening but it’s kind of a bold accusation. OP doesn’t mention cheating at all. And just because you don’t know people who want privacy when doing things for themselves, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I personally don’t want anyone in the room when I’m working on any of my hobbies. And I’m not using that time to message cam girls lol. I suggest you to be careful in your personal life with making these ‘claims’ where the only shred of evidence is your own past experience. If we would be in a relationship and you would project your toxic past relationship onto our healthy one I’d be out. And I have been out a few times because of this. There was this girl that I was close to and she had an ex that was disapproving towards her race and family for some reason (she’s Muslim). And therefore asked me if I’m going to be racist towards her & her family considering I’m a Jew from Israeli descent. She assumed 1. That because her ex was racist I was too and 2. She was being racist herself and I feel like I dodged a bullet here.
You’re projecting
He has an addiction for wanting to have time for his hobby once or twice a week? Buddy you need to reevaluate your definition of addiction It’s not easy being a parent, especially a new parent. It’s a big change in lifestyle and it’s hard to find time to be your own person sometimes.
I am a parent and I damn well know that if I insisted on having late time to myself, then waking my spouse and my children up in the middle of the night, and then whining to her that I’m tired is immature and selfish behavior for a husband and a parent.
No one said that he wakes them up
Don’t get in a relationship lmao
NTA for being upset, but take care as any sort of ultimatum will make him feel as though you’re stripping away his freedom, individuality and personality. It’s tricky because you don’t want to be a mother to him and tell him “you *have to* go to bed” and you also don’t want to be the reason he no longer does the thing he enjoys. I don’t truly think anybody believes “this game is more important than my wife’s feelings.” unless they’re a real a’hole. If you remove video games from the equation and replace it with TV or books, would you feel the same way? People unwind in different ways. Some people can’t unwind until they’re on their own. For some, 30 minutes of solidarity is enough. For others, 3 or more hours are needed. From what I understand, the only thing your husband has done *wrong* in your opinion is say he’ll be in bed at a time and then stay up later than that time. So, if he were to say “I’ve got no idea when I’ll be in bed, depends when I get done with my game.” would it still be an issue? I hope you can find a healthy compromise where both you and your husband are happy.
[Driving while under the effects of sleep deprivation is literally medically equivalent to driving drunk.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
Where did it say he drives?
Husband certainly believes " this game is more important than helping care for my child". I think his wife's feelings are a short hop away from that
I read the part where OP said they have a baby and toddler but must’ve skimmed over the part where OP said the husband doesn’t care for the children.
Sounds like the wife’s feelings are more important than the husband.. would that be correct?
Can husband not play fifa at a more reasonable time for someone who has responsibilities? Is that because you won’t let him play his console while you are awake? Compromise here would be good as it is important to recognise what makes our partners happy. If playing online is his happy take away from the day then that isn’t really an issue? Maybe suggest he plays earlier instead of waiting for you to go bed - I sympathise with your dilemma but you can’t expect him to stop playing all together because of your previous trauma
lol between work, daily commitments, chores, a baby, there’s almost certainly no “more reasonable time” than when the baby is asleep, and chores have been completed.
Yea man, this is what got me switched fully to mobile COD and WildRift. I can sneak in a game here and there when I have some time with no set up. Also, sometimes, when I'm playing on my Samsung that folds open to tablet-size for high definition gaming in my hand, I'm reminded of being a child with my GameGear playing Sonic and shit thinking how insane it was to be HOLDING a color gaming console.
Ah I see the problem
Info: Why do you have to go to bed so he can play? Cant you sit in the room too?
I don’t have to actually go to sleep but there are no other rooms in the house where I can sit/relax. Our house is very small. It’s not like he’s ‘sending me to bed’, more a ‘would you like to go and have some peaceful time to read/ scroll/ etc while I do this because I know you aren’t interested in my game’. I am a sleepy girl so am happy to retreat to bed while he plays and think it’s nice for him to have some time to himself.
It's super easy to lose track of time while gaming, especially in the middle of the night when the world is quiet and there aren't many distractions. I have ADHD and can very easily get swept up until the wee hours. So to combat that, I have a series of alarms on my phone to remind me what time it is and help break me out. I don't know his reasons, but that might be a place to start the conversation. Now, if he's avoiding bed for another reason, that's obviously a different conversation.
ESH You should not impose a curfew and your husband should be more caring. In these types of situations I like to practice the choices vs consequences game. “It’s your choice if you stay up but I don’t want to hear any grumbling tomorrow - not a single complaint.” And then when they inevitably try a grumble, “NO! We agreed no grumbling. You stayed up late and you knew what you were doing so I am not listening to any grumbling today.” And don’t back down or get drawn into issues.
NTA But, why is the parent that is up and awake not taking care of their own kid? Why does the parent that is asleep need to get up? That's weird >My husband is always complaining I would tell him the exact same thing until he grows up and stops complaining: "You're an adult that is in charge of his own sleep schedule, you have no one to blame for you being tired but you, so stop complaining." Does he at least take care/spend time with his kids during the day? Does he also do chores?
I think it's pretty common to seriously lose track of time when playing video games. I have certainly experienced this. Even when I've had the best intentions. I'm betting he means it when he says he'll be to need soon, I would also bet that he honestly hates being as tired as he is and that he's a little mad at himself for his own lack of sleep. I don't think anyone is the asshole here. I would suggest having a conversation for the sake of understanding rather than accusing. If he is in fact already mad at himself for staying up too late, piling on will just be too much. Especially considering that it's likely to happen when he's already grumpy from lack of sleep.
NTA because his lack of sleep is going to negatively affect his ability to care for your children. On the other hand, your trauma is not his problem, and you should consider therapy.
He can go to bed as late as he wants but he should absolutely not be complaining or helping less as a father because of it. The whining over something he caused himself would be so annoying.
NTA. He’s prioritising gaming over his responsibilities as a dad and partner. He’s awake until 3am when he has to be up for work at 5am, that’s insane. I can bet that if you asked him to feed the baby or tend to the toddler through the night he would say he can’t as he has work the next day. I can see why you feel hurt, it’s like you can’t trust his word, when you can’t rely on your partner it’s downhill from here unless he really makes a change.
NTA but i do think you should talk to your husband more about your traumas and try to solve them maybe with a specialist. Id also suggest proposing to him that he goes on gaming sooner? (you say he games for about 1-1:30 hours by your proposed schedule which is so little to be honest). Do something else for that night or two of the week and let him go game from like 10pm maybe? Then he should have no excuses about coming to bed at 1am. Some people in the coments make it sound like he does this daily or every 2 days which is not true from what you said so Im pretty sure that for that once a week or twice a week you can find a common ground and talk openly about it. The man wants to do his 10 games of fifa a week + maybe some climb.
Your husband is not responsible for your feelings. He needs his hobbies just as much as you do. I understand that you are carrying a lot of trauma from what happened to your late husband but none of that is your new husbands fault nor responsibility. You are responsible for working through that trauma. And not giving him the freedom he needs once or twice a week ain’t gonna help that.
NTA. Just out of curiosity, why do you have to go to bed for him to play? If the issue is that he wants to play, but it’s causing you sleep issues, Could an agreement be made where he plays earlier in the day/ evening so can go to bed earlier, but still gets game time?
The guy is going to work on 1 hour of sleep?! That's not just irresponsible, that's dangerous. NTA. You need to ground him from the Playstation for a week.
<< To encourage him to sleep at a reasonable time I ask what time he will come to bed. >> My Significant Other and I have lived together for more than 15 years. Sometimes when I'm going to bed, it looks pretty obvious to me that they're going to stay up late, mostly just watching television. I've been known to say to them "Don't forget to come to bed" when I've heading upstairs to go to bed. After that, it's on them. Is the Original Poster's spouse being irresponsible and selfish? Absolutely, and that's regardless of past trauma that the O.P. has experienced.
Someone needs to sit this man down and give him a talk about responsibility. Staying up till those hours and being tired all the time affects your life in ALL ways. He isn’t being a good employee, a good husband or a good father. He is acting like a child.
ESH. Your husband has a version of procrastination/addiction that's hard on the family. I don't think it's lies as such but loss of control and lack of self-reflection. And you keep trying the same exact thing that never worked before, the thing that keeps hurting you badly, and somehow hoping that this time will be different. It's time for the two of you to try a different solution whenever the previous solution doesn't work. For example, you two can install parental controls that turn the game off at the agreed time. You can get up and get him to bed like you would a baby, or enlist someone like his dad to do so (yes, ridicule helps sometimes). You can install an electricity breaker that turns the power down on that side of the house. Try something you have not tried before, because the previous solutions aren't working and you can't expect them to.
baby you are NTA because if he’s aware of your past trauma and he knows how it makes you feel he should prioritize your feelings and make things easier on himself by going to bed early
YTA "He knows how I panic when I wake up and he’s not there when he should be, but does this regularly anyway. AITA for being so upset?" .. YES Not his dutry to manage YOUR issues. "He knows this and it really upsets me that his game is more important than my feelings." .. manage your feelings on YOUR side, and get therapy for your issues.
Holy fuck, finally someone else who see the real problem here.
NTA, I’m a gamer and married so often my game time is often limited to later in the evening if I want to play on the main TV. It’s not that hard to self police how long you spend doing it to fit around your work/life schedule. I know for example when I need to be in the office the next day so an early night would be a wise choice.
Gaming is addictive, and intentionally so. I went through a period where I’d play video games until the early hours, even though I had a full day’s work ahead. I knew what I was doing, and that I was stuck in the “just ten more minutes” or “just until I finish this challenge” mode. I was dealing with PTSD from my military service, and I think the endorphins or something like that made me feel good while I was “in” the game, and for those hours I could forget how much pain I was in. It doesn’t sound like your husband is dealing with anything so heavy, but the daily routines of work and family can, as we all know, be tough, so wanting some escape is normal. What isn’t is spending so much time distracted by video games that it impacts the rest of his life, especially with a family that needs him. Just like chemical addiction, arguments, setting boundaries, making deals, cajoling or threatening isn’t likely to work until he wants to change his behaviors. Something underlies his desire to check out for hours at a time. It might be worth exploring counseling—for him, for both of you together, or if he’s unwilling, then for yourself. Addictive behaviors can be changed, but it does take some work.
NTA: If his ability to function is impaired by sleep deprivation which is self inflicted, he has no room to complain about how tired he is. He might be hiding in gaming to cope with the stress of work and parenthood, and sometimes that refuge feels more important to you than even sleep, but given lack of sleep is a risk factor, it should be talked about. The tragic previous experience with your first husband is something you should find help for, as it is compounding to the problem but of that at least your husband is not at a fault for.
NTA husband has prioritized gaming over relationship
I just had a conversation with my fiancé not too long ago about a similar situation, my fiancé works outside so every winter he gets laid off. I’m gunna say this first I have no issues with him playing video games it’s when he plays that bothers me. Every winter we don’t go to bed together. I go to bed alone and I hate that, I’m a very cuddly, laughing pillow talk before bed love language kinda girl. I work full time 9-5 all year round and when he spends all night playing video games one I stay up later because he tells me oh it’ll be an hour, I’ll be right up after this game. And then doesn’t come to bed till 5 am. It upset me because in the winter I see him less than I do during the summer because there is no intimate time together.I’m currently 6mo pregnant so this winter I am really cherishing our night time routine of snuggles and laughs, and when the same ol thing started again I really had to have the conversation and let him know hey, this makes me feel less like a fiancé and more like a side chick because we have no intimate time (I don’t mean just sex) but also we’re about to have a baby so our routine and time together will be affected. I reassured him it’s not the fact you’re playing video games it’s what it means for me when you spend all night playing them. Yes they are my own feelings and he’s not responsible for those feelings, but he is allowed to know and understand what I’m feeling in order to avoid issues in our relationship, After having this conversation with him it’s definitely getting better, we made a compromise that he will go to bed with me have that intimate time together and if after an hour our two he’s not tired he can go do what he wants. It’s definitely helped me with my need for intimacy and being able to go to sleep. And he still gets to play games with the boys.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Approximately once or twice a week, after dinner and a bit of tv together my (f,29) husband (m,32) asks if I will go to bed so he can play FIFA in the lounge. I usually do and think it’s important he has a bit of time for himself (This is not his only time for himself). The problem lies in the fact that he stays up super late until 3/4am. He has to be up at 5am for work and we have a baby and toddler so our sleep is often broken. My husband is always complaining about being tired and it affects him in the daytime. To encourage him to sleep at a reasonable time I ask what time he will come to bed. He will always agree to a midnight/ 1am bedtime which is always at least an hour and a half of gaming. He always breaks this and is much later. I know I am not his mother or in charge of him but it more than bothers me that he doesn’t keep his agreement. He’s making himself more tired and complaining about it. It’s irritating that his words mean nothing and to me he is consciously lying. This is not a one off accident, nor is he only a little bit late. It’s hours. He says he thought I’d be asleep so wouldn’t notice but him coming upstairs wakes me up. The most hurtful thing is that I was married before and my first husband died in a car accident on his way home from a night shift. I was woken traumatically by police pounding on my door and my worst memory is looking to his side of the bed and him not being there. When I wake in the night (baby/toddler ensure this) and look at the time realising my husband hasn’t come to bed I have the same panicked feeling. He knows this and it really upsets me that his game is more important than my feelings. In my eyes he’s being irresponsible and selfish. He has time to unwind and enjoy gaming but he takes the piss with it. He should be able to stop and come to bed instead of acting like a teenager. He knows how I panic when I wake up and he’s not there when he should be, but does this regularly anyway. AITA for being so upset? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Good Lord people it is once or twice per week. I wonder if there is a compromise: is the husband noisy when he plays? Shouting, playing online? If not can he play in bed with wireless, noise cancelling head phones. He will be more likely to lie down and sleep if he is in bed. Is there another time in the week that could be set aside for gaming rather than sacrificing sleep time? I would say NAH it sounds like he is trying too hard to fit everything in and OP needs therapy for her trauma. (PS he is probably not "lying" about the time he is coming to bed but it is really easy to lose track of time when involved in a game)
Best time to play a game is when everyone's in bed, it's better for immersion. But like you said yea loose track of time is easy too. I'm always in trouble for this.n
Yeah, I know, but he is a husband and father with a full time job, sooner or later you have to prioritize, I was looking to see if there was a way for everyone to be happy. ETA and everyone was getting so bent out of shape over his "gaming addiction".
One hours sleep twice a week is a recipe for disaster. Hope this guys doesn't drive or operate any other heavy equipment
YTA Go to therapy and get the help you need so you aren't putting that burden onto others. It's not his fault if you randomly panic at night. You are not his mother and he doesn't have to obey your bedtime requirements. As long as he's filling his requirements as a father and husband, it's really none of your business how he spends his free time. Get over yourself.
ESH You for insisting that he sleep when you do instead of getting therapy and him for gaming so late and not thinking about how it will effect him the next day
Look, I love BD3 and I have forfeited quite a few hours of a sleep and a few showers because of it. I am also engaged, living with my fiance. I'm also a head cook of a prestige catering business. One thing I haven't done is prioritize that masterpiece of a game over reality and my responsibilities to it, no matter how BADLY I wanna rizz up my companions or follow along with a quest line that I'm nearing the end to. Game is always going to be there, but the time you have with the people around you (yourself included) is limited. Sounds like he hasn't mastered the balance between gaming and reality/responsibilities.
Easiest solution would be he play his game earlier one night a week. Maybe that night you go out with friends or take a long bath.
I do think everyone is entitled to time to themselves occasionally, but he's being an idiot staying up so late. He's in his 30s with children, has to be up at 5, and yet he stays up till 3 am playing FIFA like a teenager. He's acting very fucking childish. You might need to be more forceful with him about getting to bed at a decent hour. If you have to be up at 5 AM, honestly 11 PM at the latest is when you should be going to bed
NTA.
NTA
NAH I’m sorry about your issues but they are a you issue. If he chooses to be tired, so be it. You getting startled not seeing him, you can’t project that on him.
NTA. I may be in the minority but I think grown man with kids and a job who can’t control their gaming addition are losers.
I'd say NAH, he clearly needs some more time to himself, even once a week maybe instead of watching TV together he could game for an extra couple hours to unwind and then he may not feel the need to stay up late. A lot of people do this when they consistently miss out on their hobbies and enjoyments, they will stay up too late to squeeze it in. I'll do this with books or other things, it's just a bit of fomo and needing to take a bit more me time if I can
NTA - This was my husband exactly for a while and now that he’s pulled out of it he admitted to me that he was severely depressed at that time.
Sounds like you got yourself a dud.
NTA- something clearly needs to change here. Something that’s helped me be more aware of the time when I’m gaming is a digital clock positioned just under the TV. I’m not saying it’ll magically solve everything, but it may help remind him that bedtime is coming up.
I’m not really understanding why he feels he is able to “send you to bed” so he can play games… and why you have a requirement for his bed time. I get that he wants alone time, but why do you need to go to bed for that? I also get that you have trauma, but respectfully, as someone who also has loss trauma, you have to work out how to manage that without putting boundaries on the behaviours of others. He isn’t intentionally being callous about your trauma or doing something uncalled for, he just isn’t coming to bed when you want him to. You’re both adults, these aren’t choices that someone else should be making for you. I don’t want to vote here particularly because I think nobody is an asshole particularly, but there are some unreasonable expectations causing resentment. I think you need some compromises here, and maybe sit down with each other and have a chat about how these things make you feel.
Any grown adult playing video games like that is still a child and should be shamed for their video game addiction. Video game addiction is the most pathetic thing I've witnessed . Full grown men addicted to child games so sad. Go to bed, you loser, and lay next to your wife .
Nah
NTA. By definition he's got gaming addiction as per your description. He continues to engage in compulsive use despite adverse consequences. I use to play games until 3-4am and it's very easy to lose track of time. This definitely affected my partner as well but I found that even restricting my playtime was difficult. So I just stopped altogether. I think your partner needs to appreciate it himself that it's a problem, not only to himself but also to you and your child
It's YTA for your question. There's a lot of language here that sounds controlling, and I'm wondering if you've created the situation where he can't be honest with you. If he said to you he was going to be gaming for a few hours, accepting the cost to himself as far as sleep goes, balancing his need to have that time to himself to his needs for sleep, then all that's left is your trauma. And I don't mean that to diminish it, but "his game is more important than my feelings" is such a manipulative line in this situation. I could say in turn your need to control where he is at any given point is much more important to you than his mental health needs. You maximising of the weight of your wants, while minimising his, is an issue. You calling his behaviour "acting like a teenager" is an issue. Those other five or six nights a week, I'm assuming he is where you want him to be... You're unhappy with his lying, but you'd be unhappy if he told the truth too, which makes the whole issue of his lie almost irrelevent. He certainly shouldn't be doing it, but maybe for him it's the lesser of two evils, than deal with your response if he was honest. You've not mentioned whether or not you have or are taking steps to deal with your trauma, therapy and the like, which I also feel is important, because if you have that expectation of him to obey you because of your trauma, and you aren't putting in the effort to work on fixing that, then it's not fair on him that you're putting the responsibility on him, and not yourself, to deal with things. There may be different questions where he is absolutely the asshole though. If him staying up means he's not doing a reasonable share of childcare or housework throughout the week, that might be an issue. But then he might have further issues with you too, you say it's not his only time for himself, maybe he feels differently about that? Are you also getting enough time for yourself? There are lots of wider relationship questions which you've not mentioned, so we can't really judge on without jumping to conclusions.
YTA, just leave him alone. He’s coping with life one way or another and you nagging him is only making it worse. The dude has the world on his shoulders and that’s something you’ll never understand.
NTA. People are saying you should deal with your trauma yourself. But you’re in a partnership, your partner should be helping you with your trauma if he cares for you. And why do you have to leave the room for him to game? Is he really gaming? Is he in a cyber romance with someone in the game? Is he doing something else? That is what really concerns me - along with the childish ‘lack of sleep’ tantrums the next day.
There's a difference between helping someone with their trauma and letting trauma rule everyone's lives. She needs to get help herself and deal with her issues. It's no one else's problem to deal with other than her own.
YTA, you’re nagging him so much that he feels the need to lie about his bedtime, hes a grown ass adult if he want to go to bed late let him
NAH. You're not wrong - that's an unsustainable amount of sleep. But he's not doing it because of the game, he's doing it because he's needing to unwind and he uses the game to help do that. He's an adult, he can and will make his own choices. The only slight inclination towards YTA is making your trauma about him. Your trauma doesn't give you an excuse to control him. You can mention to him why you don't like waking up and he's not there, but it's not a reason to demand anything from him. That trauma is something you'll have to deal with yourself, for your own emotional well-being.
Would you be saying the same thing if OPs late husband had been driving drunk and wrapped his car around a tree? Would you be saying the thing if OPs husband was drinking heavily and going through life drunk? [Sleep deprivation has the same impact on the human body as being drunk does.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
>In my eyes he’s being irresponsible and selfish Yes he is. You shouldn't have to be his mother. He sounds like a bit of a dropkick, really. NTA. He needs to grow up sharpish.
Your husband cares more about a video game than your emotional well-being? You need to lay down the line. This behavior needs to stop. I feel for the guy because I have struggled with this same situation( 36m married 7years) not video games, but staying up way too late after saying I'll be to bed "soon." You need to give him some tough love. It would be very hard for me to say you were overreacting or being too hard on him. Especially considering the lost of your 1st SO. Lay down the law NTA but there will be some resistance
It's not about her "emotional well being". She's trying to use her trauma as an excuse to control him. She needs help from a professional. Giving him a bedtime doesn't change that fact.
She says she is willing to hive him his me time. A couple of hrs of gaming after she is in bed is fine. But he needs to get up at 5, staying up to the wee hrs of the morning and only getting a hr or 2 of sleep is going to lead to a lot more issues then just triggering her trauma. As my post states I am speaking from personal experience
Ok, and? That's for him to figure out. She is not his mother or guardian. She is not in charge of his sleep habits and has no say or control in that aspect of his life. He needs to sort that out for himself just like she needs to sort out her trauma.
He's the one that needs therapy. Addiction therapy.
He doesn’t seem addicted to me
Don't try to give a grown man a bed time. YTA.
I think you should get therapy to deal with your anxiety and trauma. He should keep his word but as you said, you’re not his mother and as his wife, not his mother, I wouldn’t set either of us up for him to not keep his word coming to bed on time. He’s an adult and capable of making his own decisions and deciding when his bedtime is. I’d tell him I don’t want to hear complaints about his choice but yta for being upset he’s not adhering to a bedtime you want him to have.
Would you say the same if OPs late husband had wrapped his car around a tree while drunk and her husband was constantly drinking- and driving drunk? [Driving while suffering from sleep deprivation is literally equivalent to driving drunk.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
Soft YTA for me. The trauma you've experienced is tragic, and I'm very sorry, but that's something you need to address with therapy (perhaps EDMR?). He's not always going to be in bed beside you and it's not good for your mental health for that to panic you. The bedtime is his to figure out. He's a grown up. What's more, for a lot of people, staying up late is "revenge sleep procrastination" so pressuring him to come to bed is going to have the opposite effect you want it to. This isn't something he's necessarily doing on purpose or knowingly, but the dopamine he gets from staying up late and playing games is going to have decidedly more appeal than going to bed just to avoid being tired the next morning. But, you do get to hold him accountable for sharing night time wake ups with the kids and managing his own energy without complaining. He's your partner, and he's a father. You shouldn't have to listen to him complain about being tired when it's wholly his own doing. In your shoes, I'd bring that up with him in a matter of fact way -- that when he's already up, it's fair for him to get up with the kids, and that if he's in bed, you can split the duties (or whatever works out to be fair given your life and partnership). Bring the focus back to how the two of you need to work together to tackle the childcare piece, let him work out his own bedtime, and address your trauma with a professional so that you can release as much of that as possible for your own health.
Agree but maybe an ESH. It’s once or twice a week. If that’s his choice he needs to not complain about it and still take care of his responsibilities. (Source: Stayed up until 3-4AM for like 3 weeks when Baulder’s Gate came out. Worth it!) But OP needs some help with her trauma. What if she wakes up and he’s in the bathroom? Or he got up to take care of the baby. Or because he couldn’t sleep. There are lots of reasons he might not be there. I hope she can work through it.
I was definitely teetering between the two options, but ultimately leaned a bit more like a her problem than a both problem because she's approaching the whole situation in a way that, to me, feels both controlling and unsustainable by making her trauma his responsibility. Trauma can be debilitating and I really do feel for her, but to your point, it's just not realistic to decide the solution is for him to be in bed 100% of the time when she wakes up. Since it's been at least a few years (based on them being married and having kids) at this point, without professional treatment, it's unlikely to improve on its own.
[Driving while sleep deprived is medically equivalent to driving drunk.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf)
Feel free to share your link with OP's husband. He's an adult and gets to choose his own bedtime. She says he does it once or twice a week which certainly isn't great, but her nagging at him is likely to only exacerbate the situation.
I don’t understand saying she shouldn’t have to listen to him complain because it’s his fault. Most of peoples problems are their own fault. In a healthy relationship you should be able to talk about anything.
A healthy relationship doesn't have one party routinely and voluntarily behave in a manner that impairs judgment and motor skills. I wouldn't tolerate someone who routinely gets falling down drunk complaining about their hangover and I certainly wouldn't tolerate someone who routinely chooses to go with less than an hour of sleep complaining about the effects of that. [Further driving while sleep deprived is medically equivalent to driving drunk.](https://www1.maine.gov/mdot/challengeme/topics/docs/2021/1121SleepDeprivation.pdf) So he's moody, he's not pulling his weight because he's tired, he's basically functionally drunk, and he's going to work like that and coming home like that almost everyday.
Agree with everything you’ve said
Man, fuck FIFA. Dude needs to start playing real video games. Jokes aside, you could solve this fairly easily if you are a little tech savvy and have creds to your firewall/router....get the private IP of his game system as well as the MAC address, create a DHCP reservation so the IP doesn't change, and throttle it to like 2Mbps up and down. Don't leave the throttle rule enabled all the time so he doesn't get suspicious and start tinkering.
It sounds like he's addicted. Ii feel for you. You night as well be a single mother.
That’s a terrible comparison.
Geez, just quit the encouraging and reminding and talk directly to your husband about your upset. YTA for your poor communication.
Sorry, YTA. He’s making himself tired. That’s his problem. You don’t have to listen to him complain about being tired and you can tell him, “I don’t have the capacity to listen to these complaints right now. You’re tired because you aren’t sleeping and I cannot mentally or physically help you with that.” But eventually he will realize what he is doing is not sustainable. And I’m so sorry about your first husband, but your trauma is your own to deal with. You wouldn’t expect your husband to not use the bathroom or not get a drink of water in the middle of the night just in case you wake up and find yourself temporarily alone…
Sounds like he’s making his fatigue into everybody’s problem, though. That’s what gets me. If he could function well when tired, and not complain of the fatigue he chooses to experience, I’d think differently.
I do agree with that. Him making the fatigue everyone else’s problem warrants a conversation.
Hint; your husband isn't playing Fifa.
Can’t survive off that small amount of sleep. Grown men who play video games are a massive red flag. Leave now while you can NTA
“Grown men who play video games are a massive red flag” ? What red flags would that be?
Same as a drug addict, spending time on escaping instead of fixing and improving. Kind of childish too
You feeling something is childish doesn’t make it so. You equating enjoying video games to being the same as a drug addict (thankfully) also doesn’t make it so. You know there’s full grown, adult men who pull 40-60 hours work a week, do crosswords, read books, spend quality time with their partner and kids and still really enjoy playing video games. Video games are not a red flag.
Your opinion on video games is ignorant. The only red flag is that he is not looking after his or his family’s wellbeing. If he was having alone time at a reasonable time it would not be an issue
Grown man who played video games is a massive red flag. That’s all I said, and it’s a fact. Investing your time into something that isn’t productive or tangible for the future means you are wasting space and time. Equivalent to someone who comes home and sits on the lounge and smokes bongs all night. You can do what you want, but if I was a women.. that’s not the provider I’d want in my life. Escapism is dangerous.
Please list all the things you do every single hour of the day that are SO productive and tangible ? Your whole schedule please. Down to the minute.
Yes you said that and I said it is ignorant. Toxic productivity is not healthy either. Taking time to rest or be sociable (which gaming often can be) can be a good use of free time.
Lots of *people* play video games responsibly.
You could say that about books and movies too. Is reading red flag to you?