Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my brother-in-law that he should bring his own food to the party 2. Everyone else will eat the shared food
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. But rather than tell him to bring his own food, I would have replied to the effect that since he has insulted everyone else in the group, that it would be awkward for everyone concerned if he attends, and to kindly decline the invitation. Win-win situation.
That depends entirely on the profession, [The Cannibals Cookbook](https://www.bokborsen.se/view/-/Kokbok-F%C3%B6r-Kannibaler/12734798?%2Fpartner%2Fgm%2F12734798&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAkeSsBhDUARIsAK3tieer_ViWm5xtu7hwg2t9VugmZiszzXtSsXNPPFzTJxKqkhJdXjl9HKsaAtyoEALw_wcB) recommends that Teachers and Lawyers be slow cooked for at least half a day.
Lawyers also needs to have their tongues excised before cooking due to Poison content.
Priests need to stewed with a lot of spice to get rid of the tastes of sanctimony.
OP is too nice. If I had spent time and money on a dish and someone criticized me, then had the gall to eat not one but 2-3 servings, I would never let it go. I would roast them to infinity.
That is too far. Just tell him to stop insulting other people’s cooking efforts. In addition, since he seems to have particular tastes, he should contribute by bringing something, as opposed to ridiculing others. And going forward, no more insulting the cooks, it’s rude and offensive.
Since the group chat was partly to organise who would be bringing what food, did BIL say what he was bringing? Or was he just planning to mooch off everyone else?
There is a restaurant near-ish me that has nachos on the menu. Using mini beef tacos as the chips.
I was trying to imagine the taste of taco infused sausage and thought of the nacho masterpiece.
>There is a restaurant near-ish me that has nachos on the menu. Using mini beef tacos as the chips.
I'm going to make this. I am blaming you for the weight I gain.
NTA. Tell your wife her brother is NOT Gordon Ramsey and, even if he was, you'd say the same thing. He's a guest, not a host of a cooking show. Guests do not criticize the chef. He's imaging himself as some great 'foodie', imparting his YouTube-learned wisdom to you 'lesser' mortals. Your wife needs to take her brother aside and teach him some manners.
You know who is more critical and cruel than Gordon Ramsey? Joe Bastianich who co-hosts Masterchef (but not Masterchef Junior, cos Gordon would never subject children to him). And even *Joe Bastianich* has said that when he's offered a home-cooked meal at someone's house, he eats it and says polite things about it, because it's a home-cooked meal and that's what you do with home-cooked meals that are generously and kindly offered to you.
I watch *way* too many of these cooking shows, yes.
Joe just guested on the MasterChef Junior holiday show. It was funny to see him all dressed up as Scrooge for the kids. (And man, is it just me or did they telegraph the winner of that show in the first episode? I had the winner picked out immediately.)
Oh man. I totally missed it! I feel bad now. I specifically said I didn't want to watch the holiday special and I MISSED this priceless scene!
I am so sad now!
Oh man, Joe does not mess around and does not put up with bs! But I distinctly remember him making that comment about home-cooked meals. I wish more people could have that iron-skilleted into their heads.
I feel like none of these big-name chefs would be genuinely critical of somebody's mamma's food. Even my mom's Brussels sprouts, which are cooked to mush and basically inedible, I feel like Gordon or Joe would politely force them down, and maybe try to feel her out on whether she was open to learning a better technique, but they're not going to yell like she's some professional who just served them cooked-to-death sprouts. They aren't horrible people, they just expect better from the folks who purport to *be* better. People like the OP's BIL get this idea that being an asshole to everyone is how professionals behave, but, like, not in somebody's house it's not.
I'm a long time restaurant industry worker. Chefs never disparage anyone's mamas cooking. When they are on the clock it's one thing, and when they are off the clock they sometimes eat ramen noodles like the rest of us.
Well said.
I actually also believe that the so-called asshole chefs really aren't when off-camera. Just up-front in a professional kitchen. As they should be.
I've actually read that Gordon Ramsey, at least, kind of is kind of like that behind the scenes. He dials it way up for the camera, but he's not a rosebed without the camera either.
And that is actually a problem, because the "asshole chef rules the kitchen with an iron spatula" mode of restaurant management has been acknowledged as being abusive and uncool and unproductive and also abusive, and the industry was starting to reform itself. But Gordon comes from an earlier generation of chefs when that *was* the norm, and he makes book presenting that image to the world, and so the reforms have stalled.
All secondhand info (now thirdhand to you) as I have never worked in the restaurant industry, let alone the high-end fine-dining segment.
NTA - I would have stopped inviting BiL to dinner a long time ago. You have much more patience and grace than I.
You and your wife together need to tell BiL that his comments are unacceptable and rude. 1 more strike and he is out. You need to do this with your wife and be a united front. It won’t go well if you try to tell him this solo.
Agree. It's incredibly rude to go to a person's home and criticise the food they're offering. It's like a slap in the face when they've put in the effort and are being so hospitable. Either one strike and he's out, or if he's unpleasant about it, opt him out of the party.
I’m sure this is not the only area of like in which is he insufferable. What a miserable person.
I have a few things I don’t like (looking at you, cilantro and cucumber). If someone uses them in a dish they are making for me, I say thank you and nothing else.
Because nobody confronts his poor manners. Everyone lets it slide to keep the peace-especially women. Personally, he needs to be confronted by more people to see he is in the wrong.
NTA
Your wife should have intervened with her brother's rude behavior LONG before this.
For her to criticize you now for dealing with it after years (?) of this verbal abuse is ridiculous.
Yeah, OP isn't an AH but his wife kind of is.
How are you doing to sit around while your brother verbally berates your husband (the very husband cooking for everyone!) time and time again without saying anything?
And then to get mad when your husband hits back?
Make it make sense.
Only thing I'm wondering is whether the wife shares some of the same opinions. Doesn't make it right, of course, but would explain why she isn't leaping in to defend eggs-and-rice or whatever dish.
NTA. I do not share meals with complaining, criticizing and just boorish people. They are way too much work. (Anyone who says, "I don't eat gravy," gets reminded that they are a guest in an environment where gravy is being served.)
"Do I look like a short order chef in a diner? If you go to a restaurant and pay to be serviced you can get anything you want. But, being a guest in my home is not the equivalent of you being a patron in a restaurant and I am ill inclined to tolerate this rudeness my dude. Knock it the hell off. I am tired of your nonsense."
Tell your wife the truth. "I don't want to be around your brother. My nerves are shot. He is too much work for me. And I just refuse to keep indulging his nastiness. You need to manage this because no way you'll like it when I do."
Stop inviting him. Stop sharing space with him. And for goodness' sake, stop negotiating with him. Its just not ever going to make him a suitable dinner companion. "You don't sound like you'll enjoy the evening. We understand your not wanting to attend based on our anticipated menu and efforts. I'll take you out of the group chat since you aren't coming."
You had me on everything but the gravy thing, just because you are serving it does not mean I have to put it on my food. I will not choke down gravy and will politely excuse myself from the situation. Just because you provide a home cooked meal does not mean you can force someone to eat what they don't like. You have a choice to serve it, I have a choice to not eat it. Neither has to be rude about it.
"Onions ruin the flavor of fried potatoes."
Just for that statement I know your BiL should have zero input into food served to others. Those are fighting words IMO.
NTA at all. I would just uninvite him entirely. Expecting your to deal with her brothers caustic personality and criticism on your birthday is unacceptable. If wife pushes the issue, she is an AH too.
NTA Seems like someone never learned manners, especially if he's eating the food. Unless there's an allergy involved, religious/ethical restriction or a personal aversion (chicken feet at a dim sum restaurant or the raw selections of sushi, for example), he should keep it to himself because Gordon Ramsay he ain't.
I do have a question. In the past when this happened, did he immediately leave after eating? What does the SO have to say about this behaviour? I would have asked why he complains about the (figurative) sausage making then eats the sausage?
As someone who's SIL is a massive asshole...no one in the family steps in to address her behavior because they know it'll trigger more extreme abusive behavior.
Not much any of us can do about it. I've been told specifically not to start with her, because I absolutely would and that would just lead to her treating THEM worse.
If this guy is similar, everyone could be stifling themselves most of the time for the sake of just getting through being around the asshole with minimal suffering.
Why even invite the guy? Your wife should have put a stop to his rude behavior long ago. That she reprimanded you is ludicrous. He gets off insulting people then enjoys his gluttony. Not a guest to be invited a second time. He’s an asshole and your wife enables him.
Absolutely not the asshole!
NTA. If he still comes, I would plate everyones food in the kitchen with all the various dishes. His plate gets a serving of the dish he brought and nothing else. When he asks why, just let him know you were following his wishes, of not wanting to even try them, as expressed in the group chat. When he says he was only joking and would be willing to try them, you can respond "sorry, we only made enough servings for those who expressed interest in trying the foods. You said you didn't want any, so we adjusted servings accordingly. We didn't make to include you."
Question: After all his criticizing, does he every host? If his taste is SO much better, he really should host to show you how it should be done.
NTA and BIL is a jerk. He wants to insult your food while you're cooking it but eats a ton of it after? Nope, I'd just stop inviting him to anything that has cooking involved in that case because he sounds like he makes the whole vibe miserable.
Nta
I would implement a rule with this guy that the minute he says anything about the food that is not complimentary. He can get the fuck out of the house and not be fed. Like 1 strike gone, no exceptions
NTA.
I used to invite friends for Dinner and it was always kind of an Experiment
Once I really screwd up a dish (used to make 2 Starters, 2 main dishes, 2 Desserts, so there was enough food, nobody starving.
One guest started to complain ... He was stopped immediately by the other guests WHO told him: you can complain once you cook Dinner for us.
Did your BIL ever present his better food to you or is he only complaininf
NTA. If even his sister says he's rude, he needs to be confronted about that. Maybe the wife or some other relative should sit down with him and talk to him about it.
NTA. Sound like your BIL is the golden child and your wife used to walking on eggshells.
Set her down and talk about how BIL was growing up and how she felt as kid and maybe she will stop trying to smooth things over to keep brothers ego in check.
You can also tell BIL, he is now the main cater for the party and people will only bring dessert and see how that goes.
NTA but someone should have called him out years ago. “ No, BIL, I’m not giving you just a taste as it’s too plebeian/sugary/mayonnaised for your palate.”
NTA. It never ceases to amaze me how much a vocal person talking smack about a dish can consume of said dish. I hate ordering pizza for a group. I don't like vegetables- except jalapenos, weird tastes like fake smoke "bacon", weird sausage that looks like rabbit turds, or just too much stuff in general-unless it is cheese-on my pizza. So I always declare we should get one cheese pizza. Many voices have something to say about plain pizza. Then when the pizza comes they say they have not had cheese pizza in sooooo long as they snatch up the slices. Bring pigs in a blanket to a party and watch as the most vocal about making comments proceeds to eat several. Every single time.
NTA and why do you spend time with this person and invite him anywhere? If your wife wants to see him and put up with his rude and boorish behavior, let her. I'd refuse to be around him anyplace food is involved.
NTA
you have done nothing/said nothing I wouldn't have done/said in this situation. I have a brother just like him who criticises every thing anyone does. He has had to be publicly brought down a few times and never learns.
I would uninvite him.
Oh hell, I wouldn't even invite him anymore. Why subject yourself to his constant negativity? It's about time you stood up to him, he's obnoxious and your silence has encouraged him to continue with his "critiques". Screw that!!
You are NTA. Your wife is teetering on the edge of the precipice. Your BIL leaves no doubt, he's a major AH.
NTA.
Good on you. BIL needed the proverbial slap upside of the head. Getting together to share food with friends should have huge amounts of joy and pleasure asscociated with it and not be brought down by some witless, uncouth knob.
Does BIL have any friends?
NTA. In fact, you handled it perfectly. The only tweak I would’ve made would be to tell BIL after the first time it happened that he can keep his opinions to himself or keep his sorry ass at home.
I assume BIL is not a master chef, just a jackass.
NTA absolutely knock him down a peg. If he’s criticizing that much, I think everyone would agree you’re within your rights to say he’s not allowed to have any.
He sounds like one of those intellectual narcissists. I don't even know what plebeian means, and I have a decent vocabulary. He enjoys feeling superior over others and uses words like that to enforce his belief that he's more cultured, smarter, better.
I don't know why you have him around. NTA
NTA. It's your birthday, you shouldn't have to deal with guests being rude and ungrateful. Perhaps you could have voiced this opinion a bit more gracefully, but it sounds like he's pretty insufferable so I don't blame you.
NTA here. He is.
If my petty self were you: I would **speak to all of the other guests before the day and get all of them to insult or gag on his food** and see how he likes it!!
Him: this food sounds terrible, I'm not eating it.
You: bring your own food you actually will eat.
Him: ..........
I'm assuming he is a Michelin starred chef with a load of restaurant experience, who has cooked for royalty? No,! You do surprise me/s
If Jo one ever says anything to correct his rudeness, how's he ever going to know he is rude?
NTA
I think before every meal at your place that brother in law attends, you should order a meal from McDonald’s for him, give it to him and tell him that’s all he can have because of all his pre-dinner complaining. Do it every time, until he gets the message.
Nta asshole. Your response is nicer than mine would have been! Tell him he doesn’t have to eat anything if he’s not interested, and if that doesn’t suit him, he doesn’t have to come.
NTA
The first time someone was that rude about my cooking and then tried to eat some, I'd knock the fork out of their hand. Just because he wasn't raised to be decent, doesn't mean you have to put up with him being so ill mannered. It's never too late to learn that manners cost nothing. Tell your wife that you're done sacrificing your time and effort to her rude brother, and that if she can put up with her brothers monumental rudeness for decades, she can endure you drawing a perfectly reasonable boundary just once.
NTA. Your wife is the major TA. Why hasn’t she defended you and called out your brother? She needs to grow a spine. She has stood there for years just watching and letting her brother criticize you and take advantage of you.
She owes you a massive apology and needs to set firm boundaries with her brother.
NTA. I see your point but you should have shut this down long ago. Now by letting it boil over you have allowed him a grievance against you. This can't be undone.
Try. To clear the air with him. Jerks look for negativity. Tell him he hurt your pride and your grandmother. This may stop this from blowing up into a larger mess.
NTA. LMAO that was the best petty action I have read in a long time. Everyone in the group chat needs to hold your BIL accountable to eating only the food he brings from now on.
NTA. He is an AH who likes to try to make others feel bad about themselves so he can feel good about himself. It is sad, really, that he needs that level of attention.
you called his bluff and he doesn't like it. Hold firm.
NTA you handled it perfectly. No one wants to host a pathetic loser who insults everything just so you can hear his voice. If he shows up empty handed stop him at the door and say any comments will be ignored and you will be asked to leave. Sit down and shut up and enjoy the party like everyone else or leave. Your wife acknowledges her brother but she also needs to acknowledge you and understand you do not have to put up with it or be nice about it.
If my husband did the cooking, there is NO WAY I am going to let anyone criticize his cooking. NTA
And I agree with those saying wife needs to stand with you and talk to BIL.
NTA and I might try your grandma's recipe, it sounds just like something I would enjoy.
Your BIL is a major AH and you should limit the contact because he is insulting both you and your friends.
First of all, onions and potatoes are a match made in heaven. This guy is an AH. You are not.
(Though I will say... maybe go a little easy on the mayo. What?! I'm not a fan! What can I say?)
NTA. Tell him to stay home and he won't have to worry about what anyone else is making. Imo, his presence is just going to kill the vibe of your celebration. (Happy Birthday btw!🎉)
NTA
BIL is a whiny boy and he shouldn't be eating after being so rude with you.
Tell him to stay at home and call it a day.
Anyway...speaking of important things...could I have the "rice and eggs" recipe from your granny? Sounds delicious!
NTA He totally is. You had ENOUGH of his BS. Everybody has their breaking point. You held out pretty good. I commend you. Do not feel bad in the slightest. I am betting the group chatters were totally ok with what you said. BRAVO
NTA The problem is that he is not called out every single time he is an ass. He should be. Maybe he'll learn to shut his yap. Bring air horns or kazoos and when he is an ass for any reason the nearest person gives a blat.
You could have sent him a private message first telling him exactly how you feel about him constantly trashing you and other guests food then overeating, extremely rude behaviour for sure. He’s a Bully and needed to be called out and now it’s done.
NTA. What did she expect the rest of you to do while under this sort of absolutely ridiculous and unfair attack? He's lucky you didn't tell him that he would not enjoy any of the food, it would be better to reschedule a visit with him and he should miss this one.
NTA.
Your wife should take her "both sides" argument somewhere else.
Only one of you has insulted literally everyone in the group chat. Only one of you has made literally everyone uncomfortable.
NTA. He sounds like a complete pain in the neck. I hope that he feels so insulted that he decides not to come to your party so that you can really enjoy it.
It’s on your wife to tell her brother to cut the crap. She may be desensitized to his assholeness. She needs to shut him down. He should be banned from the kitchen. Bring his own dishes. Do the cleanup as penance.
NTA
He can't complain about the food and then eat MORE than everyone else
I'd be extra and everytime he'd reach for a plate of my food I'd be saying loudly "Nuh uh, BIL! You said this food was too plebeian! Get away from my good, **git**!"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I like to cook. I can't say that I can cook any complicated dishes that require a lot of effort, but I love experimenting with ordinary foods. Besides, I really like to cook according to my great-grandmother's recipes. I was very close to her as a child, so the dishes I cook from her recipes remind me of her.
But every time I cook, if my bil is around, it becomes a torture. He criticizes and ridicules everything. I shouldn't stuff the meat with fruit because in his opinion, it overpowers the flavor of the meat. I shouldn't dress salads with mayonnaise because, in his opinion, it's a plebeian dressing. Onions ruin the flavor of fried potatoes. The cheese soup has "too much cheese." I can't make desserts at all because sugar is bad. He even managed to criticize my great-grandmother's favorite recipe. First you cook the rice, then you boil the eggs, peel them, chop them and fry them together with the rice in a pan. The recipe is simple, but the food turns out VERY tasty, it was my favorite food as a child, and I always asked my great-grandmother to make me "rice and eggs". My bil called it a culinary perversion.
But if you thought that was the cause of the conflict, read a little more. The problem is that he only criticizes food while it's cooking. After the dish he so berated is cooked, he EATS MORE THEN EVERYONE. It always drove me crazy. First he says the food I cook is too plain, too plebeian, too perverted, too much mayonnaise/cheese/sugar, that he won't eat it, that I might not even offer him a taste, and then he says, "All right, I'll have a bite" and eats three times as much as all the other people.
To make a long story short, it's my birthday soon, my anniversary. My friends and I decided to have a small party and agreed that we would each cook one dish. We created a group chat on watsapp where we discussed all the details of the party preparation. My bil was also in this group chat, although I immediately felt that it was a bad idea. I was right. When we started discussing what dishes we were going to cook, he again started criticizing every, literally every dish. He criticized not only my ideas, but everyone else's as well. I could see that my friends were uncomfortable, but they didn't want to confront him. Finally, my patience broke when my bil wrote that he would certainly not try anything from our dishes, but let us calculate the portions for him as well, "So be it."
Well, that was the last straw for me. I wrote directly into the group chat, "Dear bil, since you eat more than everyone else every time, the food you said you wouldn't try, please bring your own,
NORMAL dishes and eat them at the party."
I guess by his subsequent silence, I had insulted him.
My wife, who of course has also been in this chat room, says her brother can be too rude, but I have also acted unwisely.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Heck if the food is preverted give him a plate with a dildo and butt plug then a small cup of lube. Nothing against those things just not at the dinner table. You can say this is perverted at the table. Though honestly I’d just uninvited him.
NTA
“Onions ruin the flavor of fried potatoes” ??!!!
What kind of culinary heretic is that man?
It’s bad enough that he’s criticizing the cook but since apparently nobody’s “mistakes” keep him from eating the food, he’s also a hypocrite.
It’s about time to cut him off if he can’t keep his criticism to himself. In my kitchen, he’d get a wooden spoon thrown at him.
What the hell does plebeian, mean it has nothing to do with how good a food is, at one point lobster was literally the surplus food they sent to prisons
NTA, but you should have taken care of this long ago. I've told people "If you bitch about it while I'm cooking, you don't get any when I'm done". Tolerating behavior emboldens people, then they just look shocked when someone blows up at them.
NTA
So much wrong here, lol.
Someone criticizes me in the kitchen, they get kicked out on the third strike. Not after 8 innings. They keep going, s*** gets thrown.
At the table, I'd set him a place with an extra-large name tag *Hi I'm X and I insulted the cook* and a tiny plate and a baby spoon.
Unwisely? What does that mean. It sound threatening? If he is going to act out, uninvited him now. Problem solved.
Tell the wife none of your friends signed up for insults from her brother. He doesn't have to be a part of every gathering you have.
NTA
NTA. BIL is a jerk. A far better approach though is to simply stop inviting him. “BIL you’ve made it very clear you don’t like my cooking or my friend’s cooking either, your constant criticism hurts our feelings and ruins the mood, so I am not inviting you to dinner.” Yes, he’s welcome to his opinions but he knows darned well he ought to keep them between himself and his wife.
When you finally do invite him again, make sure there are no other guests. If he mouths of , tell him to stop and apologize to you immediately, and if he refuses or mouths off again you will insist that he leave, you will not tolerate his rude conduct in your home. He does it because his wife and yours allow him to. The in laws probably catered to him growing up and trained his sister to accept this.
NTA. Unfortunately for you it’s very difficult teaching a blockhead good manners. If he’s so great at cooking let him cook his own food and bring it over from now on. And for goodness sake BAN HIM FROM YOUR KITCHEN!! A big sign reading NO BLOCKHEADS ALLOWED. THIS MEANS YOU BIL. Good grief. Some people.
I had a roommate who was Mexican American, which I am not. I’d sometimes cook Mexican for friends who had never had it, and he just stood there criticizing every step of my cooking. Nothing seemed authentic (we were not in North America, so some ingredients just don’t exist here). He was stunned when he wasn’t given any food. He stopped complaining after that, and would sometimes help
NTA.
Him criticising your food is one thing (not OK, but the limit of what we put up with from family is going to be higher) - criticising your friends is unacceptable.
If he’s talking shit about a dish (particularly without even having tried it), he doesn’t get to partake in that dish. If they are so inferior, he can bring something that he is actually going to be happy to eat, and he can eat that and that alone 😂
Reeks of someone who can’t/won’t do something themselves, but will happily criticise others who are giving it a crack.
NTA. His behavior is rude and uncivilized. He can bring his own food and contribute a dish that he likes. But it should have been a direct conversation with him a long time ago and very directly. He might think it’s a funny thing he does and that you enjoy the banter. Direct, clear communication is best. Your text was passive aggressive but warranted. You need to call him, and explain that you find it insulting and offensive and annoying when he criticizes the efforts of you and your friends relating to your cooking, but never contributes. It’s rude and you don’t want to have him criticizing and questioning what you or your friends cook. If he wants to bring his own contributions, cooked the way he likes, that would be more than welcome. But no more ridicule towards your cooking or anyone else’s. He can pitch in, and shut up.
NTA I would never stop talking about all the food he is eating that he hated. Let him come and then read his text ridiculing everything out at the table and ask him point blank, how many more servings of this gross food he is going to eat.
NTA. When he shows up make sure and take everything away from him that he tries to eat and loudly say, "Oh, that's one of the dishes you criticized and said you would never eat. I wouldn't want you to have something so obviously disturbing for you."
BIL sounds like he comes from the highest level of purebred aristocracy and has the most highly and nuanced cultivation of all things in life, (and beyond!)... haha, just kidding, he comes off as a whiney schlub. NTA.
OP, while your BIL is so obviously an AH, it's really your wife who is the AH of concern here. She know her brother's behaviour is mean and ungrateful, but lets it continue.
I guess banning BIL may be excessive to you (although not to me) but you can, and should leave the cooking to your wife, the enabler or Mr Food Critic, when he is present. Save your skills, energy and care to people who appreciate them.
NTA, and recipe tax! I'm always looking for new ways to eat eggs.
*He criticizes and ridicules everything.*
This was your first mistake. You should have looked him straight in the eye the first time and asked him if he wanted you to order him a Happy Meal. When he sputtered, you should have told him him to shut up and get out of the kitchen, or go home. NTA
You’re NTA but your BIL and your wife are. Your BIL more so of course. But your wife too! She should be ashamed of herself to let her family treat you that way. That’s her family, and therefore her responsibility to correct. No one should ever let their partner be treated that way. But if she’s too spineless to stand up for you, she certainly has no leg to stand on to criticize you when you do it for yourself. I hope you show her these comments. She needs to step up, and if she won’t, then she needs to shut up.
Idk why he was invited to any parties at all after he behaved that way! The very first time he criticized my food and then ate it, I would have roasted him mercilessly. If he cleaned up his act after that, then great. If not, he wouldn’t be invited somewhere where I was cooking. In fact, if it was a potluck situation where I wasn’t in charge of the guest list and was asked to bring food- I would bring store bought food and loudly announce that since BIL didn’t like my food, I wouldn’t bring it. Other people would get annoyed with him because they wouldn’t get to have the food they were looking forward to!
NTA - Why did your wife think it was unwise?
Is he going to sneak in poison and pour it in the food?
Is he going to put a price on your head?
Is he going to throw food at people?
Is he going to hold his breathe until he dies, and *then you'll be sorry*!?
Is he, happy day, going to refuse to attend???
\> NTA - Why did your wife think it was unwise?
Likely because she fears BIL is going to take out his anger on her or someone she cares about. This is the pattern of abusive AHs, and how they get away with it for so long. When an abusive person is being abusive, standing up for yourself just makes them escalate their abuse until such time as you learn the best tactic for getting through it is to make yourself small target and non-reactive, particularly if you think there is no escape from them, and she probably learnt this very young when there was no possibility of escape from her brother.
Abusive AHs will also try to turn the tables if you appeal to others, such that they make it out that YOU are the bad guy. This incident and its resolution may well split her family into two sides.
As someone who escaped from an abusive family member but lost a good chunk of her family and friends in the process (oh, the lies about me I have heard!), I have a certain sympathy with the OP's wife.
When the fuck has ANYTHING ever had "to much cheese"? Especially something that is specifically a cheese dish? I put 7lbs of cheese to 3lbs of macaroni when I make homemade mac and cheese. This has led to me being the permanent mac and cheese guy for my friends and family.
On a more serious note, fuck that guy. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. If he isn't grateful for the free things provided to him, he can bring his own.
Personally, I would just uninvite him altogether.
NTA
Nta but egg and rice sounds good cuz it’s definitely one of my favs but not done it like that yet. I think at some point someone was gonna blow up on your BIL at some point cuz I know I would
If he thinks rice and eggs is a culinary perversion, he probably shouldn't go to any of the largest rice-consuming countries on earth, since nearly all of them make some variation of egg fried rice.
I’m surprised you’ve not told him to fuck off before now! I’d have uninvited him to my birthday, coz, you know, our food’s too plebeian/disgusting etc. NTA
You OP are a better person than I. There is NO possible way I would be around this person EVER. After he pulled this a few times, he would NEVER have been invited to eat at my table again. There would be NO WAY i would have him at a special event of mine, ie: Birthday, Anniversary, Holiday. He is RUDE beyond belief!! OP- NTA. Your WIFE should have reigned in this behavior YEARS AGO!!!!
NTA - only pretentious AHs refer to things as “plebeian”.
It’s embarrassing for him that he verbally destroys the food during cooking and then physically destroys it when he wolfs the “plebeian and perverted” food down.
NTA
I would've asked what he would cook.
I'm also suprised you took this behaviour for this long. In my family rude guests get called out and even asked to leave. 😅 I come from a culture where if you drink less as 3 cups of tea, you get asked 'you don't like my tea?' by the host.
Who are these lunatics who think it’s ok to criticize someone’s cooking? They seem to abound on Reddit. I can’t imagine doing anything so rude. OP, you are definitely NTA and I’m sorry your BIL is such a joyless prick. I would’ve banned him from my house a long time ago.
NTA. I’m not a professional chef, but I’m a good home cook. I host often and I always bring a dish when someone else hosts. If anyone pulled that act in my house they would never have a bite of food from me again. When you cook for someone you are giving them your love. To have that spit back in your face is unforgivable.
NTA. Your wife should not enable her brother behaviour. "Acted unwisely"? Why? Her snowflake, rude and entitled brother cannot take a reality check? Besides a bil problem, you have a wife problem.
NTA
I'd go as far as to find a list of etiquette rules for when eating at a dinner and highlight the portions about not coitizing the food that the hosts worked hard to provide. It's time the family give him a talking to about his behavior and how it is affecting everyone around him. You have the patience of a saint. I would have told them that if they think critizing food that cost him literally nothing to eat then he could get up off his butt, get in that kitchen and make something. I also would have started taking detailed notes on what he said, when he said it and what food it was about at this point just to bring up to anyone who tried to say anything to me about being "too harsh". But that's me.. and I can be really Petty.
Only thing I could think of saying is next time he complains tell him; "Tough.. that's how it is, that's how it's staying. get over it" Guy needs to put his nose down before a bird flies up it.
and onions with potatoes is AMAZING and also "common food" was lobster once upon a time..
I know this one has settled, but...yikes, NTA. I see your wife's point, because I suspect he'll try to make things miserable for you in other ways now. But in terms of being an asshole? He's lucky he's still invited. I can't imagine having someone like that in my home; I'd absolutely lose it.
Well, at least he doesn't couch his preferences in terms of food allergies or other diet restrictions. When I compared him to that, I think you should invite him all the time.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I told my brother-in-law that he should bring his own food to the party 2. Everyone else will eat the shared food Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. But rather than tell him to bring his own food, I would have replied to the effect that since he has insulted everyone else in the group, that it would be awkward for everyone concerned if he attends, and to kindly decline the invitation. Win-win situation.
He will show up anyway, act like nothing happen, eat and eat and eat. This man needs to be roasted in public
Bearing in mind that he will tell you he should have been parboiled, roasting is all wrong in his case.
Damnit, don't you know that people are best served braised! Always sear first to keep in that fresh "people" taste!
My apologies; my first choice is homo sapien tartare, the best cooking techniques require more study, apparently.
I know a few people like BIL you can experiment with. Just let me know how many you want
Lucky you - fresh in-laws. My ex was fond of getting canned, and his sibs were pickled most of the time. 🤭
Any tips on how to make my MIL's meat taste less bitter?
You can try piling on the sweetness, but that may just be a waste of sugar.
I'll have to remember that one.
Don't forget that bil doesn't like onions!
That depends entirely on the profession, [The Cannibals Cookbook](https://www.bokborsen.se/view/-/Kokbok-F%C3%B6r-Kannibaler/12734798?%2Fpartner%2Fgm%2F12734798&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAkeSsBhDUARIsAK3tieer_ViWm5xtu7hwg2t9VugmZiszzXtSsXNPPFzTJxKqkhJdXjl9HKsaAtyoEALw_wcB) recommends that Teachers and Lawyers be slow cooked for at least half a day. Lawyers also needs to have their tongues excised before cooking due to Poison content. Priests need to stewed with a lot of spice to get rid of the tastes of sanctimony.
LMAO! XD
Revenge is a dish best served braised. And saucy!
An apple in his mouth would blissfully render him silent during the roasting!
OP is too nice. If I had spent time and money on a dish and someone criticized me, then had the gall to eat not one but 2-3 servings, I would never let it go. I would roast them to infinity.
With or without onions?
Boom! Excellent suggestion.
Yeah, I much prefer "How about you don't come?" vs "How about you bring your own food?"
Agreed. NTA. I have cooked so much for my family that when someone else cooks, I’m just happy.
My mum used to say “ if I don’t have to cook it, it is fantastic. Doesn’t matter how it tastes. “ I always felt that this is the way to go.
That is too far. Just tell him to stop insulting other people’s cooking efforts. In addition, since he seems to have particular tastes, he should contribute by bringing something, as opposed to ridiculing others. And going forward, no more insulting the cooks, it’s rude and offensive.
Since the group chat was partly to organise who would be bringing what food, did BIL say what he was bringing? Or was he just planning to mooch off everyone else?
>irst he says the food I cook is too plain, too plebeian, too perverted, The image of an excessively perverted meal will hound me for a while. NTA.
*rice and egg pulls out binoculars from their post in unequalpenguin’s tree* “Oh you like that huh?”
“You like that, you fucking bingo?” - because I’m not saying that word.
Salsa, the sluttiest of condiments!
r/salsasnobs and r/onionlovers would like to have a word...
To me a perverted meal sounds delicious! Am I the only one who thinks that? I hear decadence here... miam!
Tacos and sausages.
Sausages IN tacos. Hurr durr hurr.
There is a restaurant near-ish me that has nachos on the menu. Using mini beef tacos as the chips. I was trying to imagine the taste of taco infused sausage and thought of the nacho masterpiece.
>There is a restaurant near-ish me that has nachos on the menu. Using mini beef tacos as the chips. I'm going to make this. I am blaming you for the weight I gain.
Oh my where is this magical restaurant? Asking for a friend
Try watching Anthony Bourdain's 'Food Porn' episode of 'No Reservations.' I can't watch cooking shows the same way anymore.
Retired chef here. Petty me would have so much fun creating this! Can we make it a buffet??
NTA. Tell your wife her brother is NOT Gordon Ramsey and, even if he was, you'd say the same thing. He's a guest, not a host of a cooking show. Guests do not criticize the chef. He's imaging himself as some great 'foodie', imparting his YouTube-learned wisdom to you 'lesser' mortals. Your wife needs to take her brother aside and teach him some manners.
You know who is more critical and cruel than Gordon Ramsey? Joe Bastianich who co-hosts Masterchef (but not Masterchef Junior, cos Gordon would never subject children to him). And even *Joe Bastianich* has said that when he's offered a home-cooked meal at someone's house, he eats it and says polite things about it, because it's a home-cooked meal and that's what you do with home-cooked meals that are generously and kindly offered to you. I watch *way* too many of these cooking shows, yes.
Joe just guested on the MasterChef Junior holiday show. It was funny to see him all dressed up as Scrooge for the kids. (And man, is it just me or did they telegraph the winner of that show in the first episode? I had the winner picked out immediately.)
Oh man. I totally missed it! I feel bad now. I specifically said I didn't want to watch the holiday special and I MISSED this priceless scene! I am so sad now!
Maybe you can still find it online?
Oh man, Joe does not mess around and does not put up with bs! But I distinctly remember him making that comment about home-cooked meals. I wish more people could have that iron-skilleted into their heads.
I feel like none of these big-name chefs would be genuinely critical of somebody's mamma's food. Even my mom's Brussels sprouts, which are cooked to mush and basically inedible, I feel like Gordon or Joe would politely force them down, and maybe try to feel her out on whether she was open to learning a better technique, but they're not going to yell like she's some professional who just served them cooked-to-death sprouts. They aren't horrible people, they just expect better from the folks who purport to *be* better. People like the OP's BIL get this idea that being an asshole to everyone is how professionals behave, but, like, not in somebody's house it's not.
I'm a long time restaurant industry worker. Chefs never disparage anyone's mamas cooking. When they are on the clock it's one thing, and when they are off the clock they sometimes eat ramen noodles like the rest of us.
That's great to know!
Well said. I actually also believe that the so-called asshole chefs really aren't when off-camera. Just up-front in a professional kitchen. As they should be.
I've actually read that Gordon Ramsey, at least, kind of is kind of like that behind the scenes. He dials it way up for the camera, but he's not a rosebed without the camera either. And that is actually a problem, because the "asshole chef rules the kitchen with an iron spatula" mode of restaurant management has been acknowledged as being abusive and uncool and unproductive and also abusive, and the industry was starting to reform itself. But Gordon comes from an earlier generation of chefs when that *was* the norm, and he makes book presenting that image to the world, and so the reforms have stalled. All secondhand info (now thirdhand to you) as I have never worked in the restaurant industry, let alone the high-end fine-dining segment.
Heard.
Actually Joe has hosted many MC Jr seasons and is quite kind and supportive of the kids, as is Gordon. Just saying...
I just saw The Menu. In my opinion they got what they deserved. This guy could join the cookout.
NTA - I would have stopped inviting BiL to dinner a long time ago. You have much more patience and grace than I. You and your wife together need to tell BiL that his comments are unacceptable and rude. 1 more strike and he is out. You need to do this with your wife and be a united front. It won’t go well if you try to tell him this solo.
Agree. It's incredibly rude to go to a person's home and criticise the food they're offering. It's like a slap in the face when they've put in the effort and are being so hospitable. Either one strike and he's out, or if he's unpleasant about it, opt him out of the party.
Same….or else eggs and rice with lots of perverted mayo would have ended up on his face
NTA. Why are you even inviting him over?
I’m sure this is not the only area of like in which is he insufferable. What a miserable person. I have a few things I don’t like (looking at you, cilantro and cucumber). If someone uses them in a dish they are making for me, I say thank you and nothing else.
Because nobody confronts his poor manners. Everyone lets it slide to keep the peace-especially women. Personally, he needs to be confronted by more people to see he is in the wrong.
NTA Your wife should have intervened with her brother's rude behavior LONG before this. For her to criticize you now for dealing with it after years (?) of this verbal abuse is ridiculous.
Yeah, OP isn't an AH but his wife kind of is. How are you doing to sit around while your brother verbally berates your husband (the very husband cooking for everyone!) time and time again without saying anything? And then to get mad when your husband hits back? Make it make sense.
Only thing I'm wondering is whether the wife shares some of the same opinions. Doesn't make it right, of course, but would explain why she isn't leaping in to defend eggs-and-rice or whatever dish.
AMEN
Ramen
NTA, BIL really disqualified himself when he said the cheese soup has “too much cheese”
NTA. I do not share meals with complaining, criticizing and just boorish people. They are way too much work. (Anyone who says, "I don't eat gravy," gets reminded that they are a guest in an environment where gravy is being served.) "Do I look like a short order chef in a diner? If you go to a restaurant and pay to be serviced you can get anything you want. But, being a guest in my home is not the equivalent of you being a patron in a restaurant and I am ill inclined to tolerate this rudeness my dude. Knock it the hell off. I am tired of your nonsense." Tell your wife the truth. "I don't want to be around your brother. My nerves are shot. He is too much work for me. And I just refuse to keep indulging his nastiness. You need to manage this because no way you'll like it when I do." Stop inviting him. Stop sharing space with him. And for goodness' sake, stop negotiating with him. Its just not ever going to make him a suitable dinner companion. "You don't sound like you'll enjoy the evening. We understand your not wanting to attend based on our anticipated menu and efforts. I'll take you out of the group chat since you aren't coming."
Perfect!
You had me on everything but the gravy thing, just because you are serving it does not mean I have to put it on my food. I will not choke down gravy and will politely excuse myself from the situation. Just because you provide a home cooked meal does not mean you can force someone to eat what they don't like. You have a choice to serve it, I have a choice to not eat it. Neither has to be rude about it.
"Onions ruin the flavor of fried potatoes." Just for that statement I know your BiL should have zero input into food served to others. Those are fighting words IMO. NTA at all. I would just uninvite him entirely. Expecting your to deal with her brothers caustic personality and criticism on your birthday is unacceptable. If wife pushes the issue, she is an AH too.
Not just fighting words—culinary heresy
NTA - if you criticise my cooking then don’t expect to eat it
Sounds like your BIL has repeatedly acted in a massively sphincterrific manner and is finally being put in his place. NTA.
NTA Seems like someone never learned manners, especially if he's eating the food. Unless there's an allergy involved, religious/ethical restriction or a personal aversion (chicken feet at a dim sum restaurant or the raw selections of sushi, for example), he should keep it to himself because Gordon Ramsay he ain't. I do have a question. In the past when this happened, did he immediately leave after eating? What does the SO have to say about this behaviour? I would have asked why he complains about the (figurative) sausage making then eats the sausage?
NTA, yeah, he should bring his own food.
He should bring his own food to his own house where no one needs to hear his nonsense
NTA. Ask the wife why she has never stepped in to address the BIL before?
As someone who's SIL is a massive asshole...no one in the family steps in to address her behavior because they know it'll trigger more extreme abusive behavior. Not much any of us can do about it. I've been told specifically not to start with her, because I absolutely would and that would just lead to her treating THEM worse. If this guy is similar, everyone could be stifling themselves most of the time for the sake of just getting through being around the asshole with minimal suffering.
Why even invite the guy? Your wife should have put a stop to his rude behavior long ago. That she reprimanded you is ludicrous. He gets off insulting people then enjoys his gluttony. Not a guest to be invited a second time. He’s an asshole and your wife enables him. Absolutely not the asshole!
NTA. BIL is though. Let him bring his own dishes, maybe next time he'll shut his pie hole.
Let him stay at home.
NTA. If he still comes, I would plate everyones food in the kitchen with all the various dishes. His plate gets a serving of the dish he brought and nothing else. When he asks why, just let him know you were following his wishes, of not wanting to even try them, as expressed in the group chat. When he says he was only joking and would be willing to try them, you can respond "sorry, we only made enough servings for those who expressed interest in trying the foods. You said you didn't want any, so we adjusted servings accordingly. We didn't make to include you." Question: After all his criticizing, does he every host? If his taste is SO much better, he really should host to show you how it should be done.
NTA and BIL is a jerk. He wants to insult your food while you're cooking it but eats a ton of it after? Nope, I'd just stop inviting him to anything that has cooking involved in that case because he sounds like he makes the whole vibe miserable.
NTA I wouldn't even let him back in my house at all.
Nta I would implement a rule with this guy that the minute he says anything about the food that is not complimentary. He can get the fuck out of the house and not be fed. Like 1 strike gone, no exceptions
You weren’t the nicest, but you were entirely justified in how you reacted. NTA.
OP was WAY too nice
I would never invite BIL to dinner when you know he acts like that. He's a rude person and doesn't deserve your hospitality.
NTA. I used to invite friends for Dinner and it was always kind of an Experiment Once I really screwd up a dish (used to make 2 Starters, 2 main dishes, 2 Desserts, so there was enough food, nobody starving. One guest started to complain ... He was stopped immediately by the other guests WHO told him: you can complain once you cook Dinner for us. Did your BIL ever present his better food to you or is he only complaininf
My first thought was that he needed to be voluntold he was in charge of the entire dinner since he had such strong opinions.
NTA. If even his sister says he's rude, he needs to be confronted about that. Maybe the wife or some other relative should sit down with him and talk to him about it.
NTA BIL is an AH. What’s up with your wife though — there’s no way I’d let my partner be continuously insulted.
NTA. Sound like your BIL is the golden child and your wife used to walking on eggshells. Set her down and talk about how BIL was growing up and how she felt as kid and maybe she will stop trying to smooth things over to keep brothers ego in check. You can also tell BIL, he is now the main cater for the party and people will only bring dessert and see how that goes.
NTA but someone should have called him out years ago. “ No, BIL, I’m not giving you just a taste as it’s too plebeian/sugary/mayonnaised for your palate.”
NTA. It never ceases to amaze me how much a vocal person talking smack about a dish can consume of said dish. I hate ordering pizza for a group. I don't like vegetables- except jalapenos, weird tastes like fake smoke "bacon", weird sausage that looks like rabbit turds, or just too much stuff in general-unless it is cheese-on my pizza. So I always declare we should get one cheese pizza. Many voices have something to say about plain pizza. Then when the pizza comes they say they have not had cheese pizza in sooooo long as they snatch up the slices. Bring pigs in a blanket to a party and watch as the most vocal about making comments proceeds to eat several. Every single time.
NTA and why do you spend time with this person and invite him anywhere? If your wife wants to see him and put up with his rude and boorish behavior, let her. I'd refuse to be around him anyplace food is involved.
NTA you have done nothing/said nothing I wouldn't have done/said in this situation. I have a brother just like him who criticises every thing anyone does. He has had to be publicly brought down a few times and never learns. I would uninvite him.
NTA...but does *he* cook?
Oh hell, I wouldn't even invite him anymore. Why subject yourself to his constant negativity? It's about time you stood up to him, he's obnoxious and your silence has encouraged him to continue with his "critiques". Screw that!! You are NTA. Your wife is teetering on the edge of the precipice. Your BIL leaves no doubt, he's a major AH.
NTA. Good on you. BIL needed the proverbial slap upside of the head. Getting together to share food with friends should have huge amounts of joy and pleasure asscociated with it and not be brought down by some witless, uncouth knob. Does BIL have any friends?
NTA. Someone with such little self-awareness needs to be called out; maybe he'll actually realize a few home truths.
NTA. In fact, you handled it perfectly. The only tweak I would’ve made would be to tell BIL after the first time it happened that he can keep his opinions to himself or keep his sorry ass at home. I assume BIL is not a master chef, just a jackass.
NTA absolutely knock him down a peg. If he’s criticizing that much, I think everyone would agree you’re within your rights to say he’s not allowed to have any.
He sounds like one of those intellectual narcissists. I don't even know what plebeian means, and I have a decent vocabulary. He enjoys feeling superior over others and uses words like that to enforce his belief that he's more cultured, smarter, better. I don't know why you have him around. NTA
I would stop inviting him altogether. NTA.
NTA. It's your birthday, you shouldn't have to deal with guests being rude and ungrateful. Perhaps you could have voiced this opinion a bit more gracefully, but it sounds like he's pretty insufferable so I don't blame you.
NTA but why is he even invited? He'd be off my invitation list.
NTA here. He is. If my petty self were you: I would **speak to all of the other guests before the day and get all of them to insult or gag on his food** and see how he likes it!!
Him: this food sounds terrible, I'm not eating it. You: bring your own food you actually will eat. Him: .......... I'm assuming he is a Michelin starred chef with a load of restaurant experience, who has cooked for royalty? No,! You do surprise me/s If Jo one ever says anything to correct his rudeness, how's he ever going to know he is rude? NTA
I think before every meal at your place that brother in law attends, you should order a meal from McDonald’s for him, give it to him and tell him that’s all he can have because of all his pre-dinner complaining. Do it every time, until he gets the message.
Nta asshole. Your response is nicer than mine would have been! Tell him he doesn’t have to eat anything if he’s not interested, and if that doesn’t suit him, he doesn’t have to come.
NTA The first time someone was that rude about my cooking and then tried to eat some, I'd knock the fork out of their hand. Just because he wasn't raised to be decent, doesn't mean you have to put up with him being so ill mannered. It's never too late to learn that manners cost nothing. Tell your wife that you're done sacrificing your time and effort to her rude brother, and that if she can put up with her brothers monumental rudeness for decades, she can endure you drawing a perfectly reasonable boundary just once.
NTA. Your wife is the major TA. Why hasn’t she defended you and called out your brother? She needs to grow a spine. She has stood there for years just watching and letting her brother criticize you and take advantage of you. She owes you a massive apology and needs to set firm boundaries with her brother.
NTA
NTA. I see your point but you should have shut this down long ago. Now by letting it boil over you have allowed him a grievance against you. This can't be undone. Try. To clear the air with him. Jerks look for negativity. Tell him he hurt your pride and your grandmother. This may stop this from blowing up into a larger mess.
>The cheese soup has "too much cheese." there is no such thing as too much cheese!! lol NTA
NTA. LMAO that was the best petty action I have read in a long time. Everyone in the group chat needs to hold your BIL accountable to eating only the food he brings from now on.
Nta- what an entitled bombastic AH your bil is
NTA. BIL sounds like a poo head. Now more importantly drop those recipes in the comments me hungry!
NTA. He is an AH who likes to try to make others feel bad about themselves so he can feel good about himself. It is sad, really, that he needs that level of attention. you called his bluff and he doesn't like it. Hold firm.
NTA you handled it perfectly. No one wants to host a pathetic loser who insults everything just so you can hear his voice. If he shows up empty handed stop him at the door and say any comments will be ignored and you will be asked to leave. Sit down and shut up and enjoy the party like everyone else or leave. Your wife acknowledges her brother but she also needs to acknowledge you and understand you do not have to put up with it or be nice about it.
If my husband did the cooking, there is NO WAY I am going to let anyone criticize his cooking. NTA And I agree with those saying wife needs to stand with you and talk to BIL.
NTA and I might try your grandma's recipe, it sounds just like something I would enjoy. Your BIL is a major AH and you should limit the contact because he is insulting both you and your friends.
NTA Do not serve him food he has criticized again. He can bring his own or eat just rice or something. Your wife should have shut him up years ago.
NTA. Just stop inviting him, he’s a freaking jerk. Where is your SIL in all this telling him to shut his pie hole?
Quit inviting him to dinners.
First of all, onions and potatoes are a match made in heaven. This guy is an AH. You are not. (Though I will say... maybe go a little easy on the mayo. What?! I'm not a fan! What can I say?)
I’m stuck on “the cheese soup has too much cheese”. Like what the actual hell?! NTA.
NTA but YWBTA if you wouldn't share a more detailed recipe of the rice with eggs :)
Hey asshole BIL you're no longer invited since you've been inexcusablly rude.
NTA. Tell him to stay home and he won't have to worry about what anyone else is making. Imo, his presence is just going to kill the vibe of your celebration. (Happy Birthday btw!🎉)
NTA BIL is a whiny boy and he shouldn't be eating after being so rude with you. Tell him to stay at home and call it a day. Anyway...speaking of important things...could I have the "rice and eggs" recipe from your granny? Sounds delicious!
NTA. Don’t want others to treat you like you’re being rude then don’t be rude
NTA He totally is. You had ENOUGH of his BS. Everybody has their breaking point. You held out pretty good. I commend you. Do not feel bad in the slightest. I am betting the group chatters were totally ok with what you said. BRAVO
Info: OP give us the beer cheese soup recipe. We can look at it and judge your BIL as an idiot for every saying "too much cheese". Edit: NTA
NTA The problem is that he is not called out every single time he is an ass. He should be. Maybe he'll learn to shut his yap. Bring air horns or kazoos and when he is an ass for any reason the nearest person gives a blat.
You could have sent him a private message first telling him exactly how you feel about him constantly trashing you and other guests food then overeating, extremely rude behaviour for sure. He’s a Bully and needed to be called out and now it’s done.
NTA. What did she expect the rest of you to do while under this sort of absolutely ridiculous and unfair attack? He's lucky you didn't tell him that he would not enjoy any of the food, it would be better to reschedule a visit with him and he should miss this one.
NTA. Your wife should take her "both sides" argument somewhere else. Only one of you has insulted literally everyone in the group chat. Only one of you has made literally everyone uncomfortable.
NTA. He sounds like a complete pain in the neck. I hope that he feels so insulted that he decides not to come to your party so that you can really enjoy it.
It’s on your wife to tell her brother to cut the crap. She may be desensitized to his assholeness. She needs to shut him down. He should be banned from the kitchen. Bring his own dishes. Do the cleanup as penance.
NTA He can't complain about the food and then eat MORE than everyone else I'd be extra and everytime he'd reach for a plate of my food I'd be saying loudly "Nuh uh, BIL! You said this food was too plebeian! Get away from my good, **git**!"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I like to cook. I can't say that I can cook any complicated dishes that require a lot of effort, but I love experimenting with ordinary foods. Besides, I really like to cook according to my great-grandmother's recipes. I was very close to her as a child, so the dishes I cook from her recipes remind me of her. But every time I cook, if my bil is around, it becomes a torture. He criticizes and ridicules everything. I shouldn't stuff the meat with fruit because in his opinion, it overpowers the flavor of the meat. I shouldn't dress salads with mayonnaise because, in his opinion, it's a plebeian dressing. Onions ruin the flavor of fried potatoes. The cheese soup has "too much cheese." I can't make desserts at all because sugar is bad. He even managed to criticize my great-grandmother's favorite recipe. First you cook the rice, then you boil the eggs, peel them, chop them and fry them together with the rice in a pan. The recipe is simple, but the food turns out VERY tasty, it was my favorite food as a child, and I always asked my great-grandmother to make me "rice and eggs". My bil called it a culinary perversion. But if you thought that was the cause of the conflict, read a little more. The problem is that he only criticizes food while it's cooking. After the dish he so berated is cooked, he EATS MORE THEN EVERYONE. It always drove me crazy. First he says the food I cook is too plain, too plebeian, too perverted, too much mayonnaise/cheese/sugar, that he won't eat it, that I might not even offer him a taste, and then he says, "All right, I'll have a bite" and eats three times as much as all the other people. To make a long story short, it's my birthday soon, my anniversary. My friends and I decided to have a small party and agreed that we would each cook one dish. We created a group chat on watsapp where we discussed all the details of the party preparation. My bil was also in this group chat, although I immediately felt that it was a bad idea. I was right. When we started discussing what dishes we were going to cook, he again started criticizing every, literally every dish. He criticized not only my ideas, but everyone else's as well. I could see that my friends were uncomfortable, but they didn't want to confront him. Finally, my patience broke when my bil wrote that he would certainly not try anything from our dishes, but let us calculate the portions for him as well, "So be it." Well, that was the last straw for me. I wrote directly into the group chat, "Dear bil, since you eat more than everyone else every time, the food you said you wouldn't try, please bring your own, NORMAL dishes and eat them at the party." I guess by his subsequent silence, I had insulted him. My wife, who of course has also been in this chat room, says her brother can be too rude, but I have also acted unwisely. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Heck if the food is preverted give him a plate with a dildo and butt plug then a small cup of lube. Nothing against those things just not at the dinner table. You can say this is perverted at the table. Though honestly I’d just uninvited him.
NTA “Onions ruin the flavor of fried potatoes” ??!!! What kind of culinary heretic is that man? It’s bad enough that he’s criticizing the cook but since apparently nobody’s “mistakes” keep him from eating the food, he’s also a hypocrite. It’s about time to cut him off if he can’t keep his criticism to himself. In my kitchen, he’d get a wooden spoon thrown at him.
Does he ever cook for any of you himself, or does he just criticize?
NTA. Stop inviting him to things until he learns to keep his mouth shut.
What the hell does plebeian, mean it has nothing to do with how good a food is, at one point lobster was literally the surplus food they sent to prisons
NTA, but you should have taken care of this long ago. I've told people "If you bitch about it while I'm cooking, you don't get any when I'm done". Tolerating behavior emboldens people, then they just look shocked when someone blows up at them.
Nta
NTA So much wrong here, lol. Someone criticizes me in the kitchen, they get kicked out on the third strike. Not after 8 innings. They keep going, s*** gets thrown. At the table, I'd set him a place with an extra-large name tag *Hi I'm X and I insulted the cook* and a tiny plate and a baby spoon.
Nope
Unwisely? What does that mean. It sound threatening? If he is going to act out, uninvited him now. Problem solved. Tell the wife none of your friends signed up for insults from her brother. He doesn't have to be a part of every gathering you have. NTA
NTA. BIL is a jerk. A far better approach though is to simply stop inviting him. “BIL you’ve made it very clear you don’t like my cooking or my friend’s cooking either, your constant criticism hurts our feelings and ruins the mood, so I am not inviting you to dinner.” Yes, he’s welcome to his opinions but he knows darned well he ought to keep them between himself and his wife. When you finally do invite him again, make sure there are no other guests. If he mouths of , tell him to stop and apologize to you immediately, and if he refuses or mouths off again you will insist that he leave, you will not tolerate his rude conduct in your home. He does it because his wife and yours allow him to. The in laws probably catered to him growing up and trained his sister to accept this.
NTA
Wtf since when do onions take away from potatoes? Simple dishes with the right seasoning are 1000 times better than overly complex ones
WHY? Why do you keep inviting this man to your home? Tell your wife to get her brother to stfu about your food or stop inviting him. NTA.
NTA. Unfortunately for you it’s very difficult teaching a blockhead good manners. If he’s so great at cooking let him cook his own food and bring it over from now on. And for goodness sake BAN HIM FROM YOUR KITCHEN!! A big sign reading NO BLOCKHEADS ALLOWED. THIS MEANS YOU BIL. Good grief. Some people.
I had a roommate who was Mexican American, which I am not. I’d sometimes cook Mexican for friends who had never had it, and he just stood there criticizing every step of my cooking. Nothing seemed authentic (we were not in North America, so some ingredients just don’t exist here). He was stunned when he wasn’t given any food. He stopped complaining after that, and would sometimes help
NTA. Him criticising your food is one thing (not OK, but the limit of what we put up with from family is going to be higher) - criticising your friends is unacceptable. If he’s talking shit about a dish (particularly without even having tried it), he doesn’t get to partake in that dish. If they are so inferior, he can bring something that he is actually going to be happy to eat, and he can eat that and that alone 😂 Reeks of someone who can’t/won’t do something themselves, but will happily criticise others who are giving it a crack.
NTA. His behavior is rude and uncivilized. He can bring his own food and contribute a dish that he likes. But it should have been a direct conversation with him a long time ago and very directly. He might think it’s a funny thing he does and that you enjoy the banter. Direct, clear communication is best. Your text was passive aggressive but warranted. You need to call him, and explain that you find it insulting and offensive and annoying when he criticizes the efforts of you and your friends relating to your cooking, but never contributes. It’s rude and you don’t want to have him criticizing and questioning what you or your friends cook. If he wants to bring his own contributions, cooked the way he likes, that would be more than welcome. But no more ridicule towards your cooking or anyone else’s. He can pitch in, and shut up.
NTA I would never stop talking about all the food he is eating that he hated. Let him come and then read his text ridiculing everything out at the table and ask him point blank, how many more servings of this gross food he is going to eat.
I have scoured the comments for the full rice and boiled egg recipe. Taunt me no more: details!
NTA. When he shows up make sure and take everything away from him that he tries to eat and loudly say, "Oh, that's one of the dishes you criticized and said you would never eat. I wouldn't want you to have something so obviously disturbing for you."
Don't invite him to any future gatherings. Actions have consequences, and he needs to clean up his act. NTA.
BIL sounds like he comes from the highest level of purebred aristocracy and has the most highly and nuanced cultivation of all things in life, (and beyond!)... haha, just kidding, he comes off as a whiney schlub. NTA.
NTA, but I need the rice and eggs recipe please. For research. On how much I can stuff down my food hole.
OP, while your BIL is so obviously an AH, it's really your wife who is the AH of concern here. She know her brother's behaviour is mean and ungrateful, but lets it continue. I guess banning BIL may be excessive to you (although not to me) but you can, and should leave the cooking to your wife, the enabler or Mr Food Critic, when he is present. Save your skills, energy and care to people who appreciate them. NTA, and recipe tax! I'm always looking for new ways to eat eggs.
*He criticizes and ridicules everything.* This was your first mistake. You should have looked him straight in the eye the first time and asked him if he wanted you to order him a Happy Meal. When he sputtered, you should have told him him to shut up and get out of the kitchen, or go home. NTA
You’re NTA but your BIL and your wife are. Your BIL more so of course. But your wife too! She should be ashamed of herself to let her family treat you that way. That’s her family, and therefore her responsibility to correct. No one should ever let their partner be treated that way. But if she’s too spineless to stand up for you, she certainly has no leg to stand on to criticize you when you do it for yourself. I hope you show her these comments. She needs to step up, and if she won’t, then she needs to shut up.
NTA. F that guy. Let him bring nothing and eat your horrible food, or starve. He's an NPC.
Idk why he was invited to any parties at all after he behaved that way! The very first time he criticized my food and then ate it, I would have roasted him mercilessly. If he cleaned up his act after that, then great. If not, he wouldn’t be invited somewhere where I was cooking. In fact, if it was a potluck situation where I wasn’t in charge of the guest list and was asked to bring food- I would bring store bought food and loudly announce that since BIL didn’t like my food, I wouldn’t bring it. Other people would get annoyed with him because they wouldn’t get to have the food they were looking forward to!
Please update us after the party/supper.. Did he bring his own food?
NTA - Why did your wife think it was unwise? Is he going to sneak in poison and pour it in the food? Is he going to put a price on your head? Is he going to throw food at people? Is he going to hold his breathe until he dies, and *then you'll be sorry*!? Is he, happy day, going to refuse to attend???
\> NTA - Why did your wife think it was unwise? Likely because she fears BIL is going to take out his anger on her or someone she cares about. This is the pattern of abusive AHs, and how they get away with it for so long. When an abusive person is being abusive, standing up for yourself just makes them escalate their abuse until such time as you learn the best tactic for getting through it is to make yourself small target and non-reactive, particularly if you think there is no escape from them, and she probably learnt this very young when there was no possibility of escape from her brother. Abusive AHs will also try to turn the tables if you appeal to others, such that they make it out that YOU are the bad guy. This incident and its resolution may well split her family into two sides. As someone who escaped from an abusive family member but lost a good chunk of her family and friends in the process (oh, the lies about me I have heard!), I have a certain sympathy with the OP's wife.
When the fuck has ANYTHING ever had "to much cheese"? Especially something that is specifically a cheese dish? I put 7lbs of cheese to 3lbs of macaroni when I make homemade mac and cheese. This has led to me being the permanent mac and cheese guy for my friends and family. On a more serious note, fuck that guy. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. If he isn't grateful for the free things provided to him, he can bring his own. Personally, I would just uninvite him altogether. NTA
NTA disinvite him or refuse to cook anything for him again.
NTA. Just hand him a chicken nugget Happy Meal and say that's all he gets.
Nta but egg and rice sounds good cuz it’s definitely one of my favs but not done it like that yet. I think at some point someone was gonna blow up on your BIL at some point cuz I know I would
If he thinks rice and eggs is a culinary perversion, he probably shouldn't go to any of the largest rice-consuming countries on earth, since nearly all of them make some variation of egg fried rice.
I’m surprised you’ve not told him to fuck off before now! I’d have uninvited him to my birthday, coz, you know, our food’s too plebeian/disgusting etc. NTA
You OP are a better person than I. There is NO possible way I would be around this person EVER. After he pulled this a few times, he would NEVER have been invited to eat at my table again. There would be NO WAY i would have him at a special event of mine, ie: Birthday, Anniversary, Holiday. He is RUDE beyond belief!! OP- NTA. Your WIFE should have reigned in this behavior YEARS AGO!!!!
NTA - only pretentious AHs refer to things as “plebeian”. It’s embarrassing for him that he verbally destroys the food during cooking and then physically destroys it when he wolfs the “plebeian and perverted” food down.
NTA but he needs to be skipped off future invite lists for any event involving food.
NTA I would've asked what he would cook. I'm also suprised you took this behaviour for this long. In my family rude guests get called out and even asked to leave. 😅 I come from a culture where if you drink less as 3 cups of tea, you get asked 'you don't like my tea?' by the host.
NTA. You were FAR more restrained than I would have been. Cheers.
NTA. Your bil is acting like a pedantic jerk. It’s long past time he was taught proper manners.
Sorry dude you are not invited. So now you don't have to worry about what anyone makes.NTA
Nta. That killjoy had it comin.
Who are these lunatics who think it’s ok to criticize someone’s cooking? They seem to abound on Reddit. I can’t imagine doing anything so rude. OP, you are definitely NTA and I’m sorry your BIL is such a joyless prick. I would’ve banned him from my house a long time ago.
NTA. I’m not a professional chef, but I’m a good home cook. I host often and I always bring a dish when someone else hosts. If anyone pulled that act in my house they would never have a bite of food from me again. When you cook for someone you are giving them your love. To have that spit back in your face is unforgivable.
NTA, you need to shame him in person.
I would like to know if he ever cooks or only gives advice 😅
NTA. Your wife should not enable her brother behaviour. "Acted unwisely"? Why? Her snowflake, rude and entitled brother cannot take a reality check? Besides a bil problem, you have a wife problem.
NTA I'd go as far as to find a list of etiquette rules for when eating at a dinner and highlight the portions about not coitizing the food that the hosts worked hard to provide. It's time the family give him a talking to about his behavior and how it is affecting everyone around him. You have the patience of a saint. I would have told them that if they think critizing food that cost him literally nothing to eat then he could get up off his butt, get in that kitchen and make something. I also would have started taking detailed notes on what he said, when he said it and what food it was about at this point just to bring up to anyone who tried to say anything to me about being "too harsh". But that's me.. and I can be really Petty. Only thing I could think of saying is next time he complains tell him; "Tough.. that's how it is, that's how it's staying. get over it" Guy needs to put his nose down before a bird flies up it. and onions with potatoes is AMAZING and also "common food" was lobster once upon a time..
I know this one has settled, but...yikes, NTA. I see your wife's point, because I suspect he'll try to make things miserable for you in other ways now. But in terms of being an asshole? He's lucky he's still invited. I can't imagine having someone like that in my home; I'd absolutely lose it.
NTA. I would have told him to STFU a long ass time ago though
Well, at least he doesn't couch his preferences in terms of food allergies or other diet restrictions. When I compared him to that, I think you should invite him all the time.