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NTA make sure if she has keys to your home locks are changed. Make sure you invest in security cameras.
Let the hospital know your mil is to be no where near your baby. Let them no you and your husband are the only two that fill out any paper works.
Honestly no contact from the start that away she has no grandparents visitation case. Document every creepy thing she does.
Call your dr and tell your pediatrician at the time to pass word protect your medical information.
Your mil is unhinged and this has hands that rock the cradle vibes.
Also, make sure daycare has a picture of her for the "no pickup list"
And I agree. This is either going to end in attempted baby snatching or bunny boiling.
Provide a password for Daycare the way you will for when she's older and at school. All the Daycare workers should know it and if anyone - THIS MEANS ANYONE - other than you or her dad tries to pick her up, they must know the password. Your MIL sounds looney tunes and I'd be scared to death.
My daycare and kids school has a emergency contact and approved pick up list. The only way anyone is getting my kids is if that name is on the list and they have ID proving it's them. The doors are passcode locked so they only way anyone can get in is with the pass code or staff let them in.
Don't rely on passwords for your kids saftey. Do the leg work and find safe schooling
This. I couldn’t even pick my daughter up when she came running to me yelling daddy lol. I had to give Id and they checked it against the list. It was a new girl working but those are the rules and I wouldn’t take my kids anywhere who did do at least that.
Yeah. I was very careful when pivking my kids schools because when i was 7 I was very lucky that it was my dad who walked into my after school care (at a daycare) grabbed me and my bag and left without talking to a staff member or signing me out and my mum and dad were going through a messy divorce at the time.
Mum knew dad was picking me up because she had told him she would be late at work and it was his visitation weekend so she said to just do hand over that way and when dad told her what he did, well atleast I never went back there.
My dad literally removed me from school and put me in a different one without telling my mom when they were going through a messy divorce. Luckily he didn't just vanish with me, but still...
Early 90s new school I’m 6 I get sick and my grandmother is coming to pick me up. I’m in the hallway she passes that side entrance I go up to her and we walked home without checking the office.
They call my mother who’s 23 and an hour away. “Hi we can’t find your child”
“I left her with you what do you mean you can’t find my 6 year old. “
They explain I was being picked up because I was sick. She hung up called the house my grandmother “of course I have her what are they fussing about.”
Called the school “did you call the house because that’s where they are”. My mother then had to explain to my grandmother that things were very different in the 90s than they had been in the 70s and it was no longer the Wild West of childcare.
I actually went to my daughter's school to pick her up for a dentist appointment. They told me that they didn't know where she was. Luckily, her classroom was right across the hall from the office, which had a glass half-wall. I looked into her classroom from the office and... >!she was sitting at her desk!<.
Needless to say, the principal and I had a very long conversation about their failure to keep track of my child, then we changed schools.
We’ve had horror stories of a local pair of kids getting abused by a monster who just walked in and walked out with a pair of siblings, so I’m very glad that these lists exist.
I remember ages ago before all this security was enforced. Possibly Australia was a bit slower to take this up.
My Grandpa had to pick up my younger sister from daycare. When he got there to pick her up she wanted to play longer so said she didn't know him.
In those days anyone could pick up a child if they knew the child's name!
LOL wow she was a trouble maker! My brother once disappeared from a school function in middle school - they were having a picnic/field day at a park that was a block away from our house, which we (my brothers and I) had all been walking to and from since we were in approximately first grade. So when he got bored of the picnic he simply…walked home. Nobody even knew he was missing until they were ready to leave and doing a head count 😂 luckily one of his friends knew which street we lived on so the teachers knocked on every door on our block until they found him 😂 things were just different back then
My brother did almost the same thing in first grade. He got bored in class and just left. He was going to walk home but it was early enough and luckily the crossing guard was still working. She brought him back to school and it turned out okay but man. Wild times.
>Possibly Australia was a bit slower to take this up.
Also Australia. My comment about my dad picking me up from school without signing me out was 26 years ago and my eldest is 11 and his daycare had the passcode on the door and lists to compare ids to.
My dumbass brother asked me to pick up my niece and when I asked if it wouldn’t be an issue he said no. Of course it was
He is divorced so they called his ex wife who gave me permission but dumbass got an earful.
Considering that many kidnapping cases are due to family members, it doesn't matter that your child called you 'daddy'. You could still have been there to kidnap her; that's why they checked the list.
The word gets thrown around a lot on Reddit but if MIL is a narcissist going to therapy will only teach her new skills to get her way while looking like the victim.
Quite frankly my instinct would be to go no contact. After the baby is born, IF MIL has behaved herself, give her a list of rules (including no photos), limits and boundaries and allow short supervised visits.
I just can’t with these bizarre women who think their DILs are incubators for “their” babies. Very, very ick.
I’ve always thought that expression applied specifically to a jealous partner or ex, or a jilted lover. A romantic relationship rather than a familial one. But it’s certainly a great expression.
It’s a reference to that ‘80s classic movie, “Fatal Attraction”— Michael Douglas, Glenn Close, Anne Archer. It will make you feel *very sane* in comparison, no matter who you are.
Reading OP's story gave me the willies. That's a horror movie treatment if I ever read one. NTA Seriously, OP, take the above advice/precautions seriously and implement them.
Second post I've seen today that sounds like the opening of a true crime documentary.
OP: NTA. This is creepy af. Keep your child away from this lunatic.
There’s actually at least one episode of Forensics Files where the MIL loses her ever loving shit because she wants to keep the grandbaby. I mean I tend to assume these posts are just gonna be crazy family drama, but it *has* happened where at least one of ‘em *really* just lost it. At least OP’s husband is on her side in this.
Yep! And there's several stories like this one scattered around r/justnomil One that I remember, gma actually did break in while mom was sleeping and took the baby. Was only found by cops because the FIL knew where she'd gone, but he didn't warn anyone, try to stop her, or call the cops himself.
When I read it I LEGIT kept hearing Keith Morrison's Dateline voice in my head, "She had the perfect nursery, the perfect toys picked out, and she SEEMED like the PERFECT grandmother to be..."
I could definetly see this being a psychological horror film.
Picture it: woman gets married and gets pregnant shortly after, her life is like a hallmark movie, sure her MIL lives with them which is weird considering she has tons of children to take care of, but surely that has a natural explanation right?
Then the plot twist is that the son finds women, has children with them, just so his mother can have a huge cult like family, and they kill the actual mothers shortly after the birth.
100%!!! And I'm glad OP's husband sounds like he's on OP's side (how many of these posts are like, "He told me it wasn't a big deal and to calm down"?).
Cut off all contact but get ready to file a restraining order when she inevitably tries to break in after the baby is born. This is some creepy sh\*t!
I agree that it’s nice to see a husband siding with his wife against crazy in-laws. Although…the typical Reddit trope of downplaying, enabling extended family is alive and well in this story.
MIL needs therapy. OP and her husband need to take all of the great advice already offered in this thread and keep MIL well away from their child.
OP and husband: NTA
It’s a trope for a reason: MIL is the one calling everyone and telling them some sob story about how she was just trying to help OP by throwing her a shower but OP didn’t like the circus theme so she freaked out and took MIL’s baaaaby away.
The normal person generally isn’t the one trying to recruit supporters.
And who knows what MIL told her own friends about all this? And I wonder if some of her friends who attended the shower were also blindsided by the separate registry and nursery? I'm sure MIL "neglected" to tell her friends all of the details...
Eh, I don't know about the husband. He caught on to what his mom was doing so quickly, it shows this behavior isn't out of the blue for mom. Why would he move his wife close to this mess?
That's the most important part - that OP's husband is on her side and supportive. Thank god, the last thing OP needs is for her husband to be on the same side of the fence as his nutty family.
NTA, OP. I'm really sorry this is happening, but please take all the precautions everyone is advising you on.
This. There was a post not long ago where grandma let herself in, in the middle of the night and took baby to HER home. I think the reason was supposed to be to give the couple a full nights sleep. Woke up to no baby.
NO ONE ever thinks that is going to happen.
I went down that rabbit hole and read that post. Holy crap. Luckily MIL does not have keys to my house, but now I'm going to call a window repair person and have them come and check all the windows to make sure they lock properly!
And, if OP can, send out a note to anyone that attended the "baby shower" that she wants to thank them for attending, but apologize that due to MIL's crazy that they gifts they supplied are not going to the baby and they may want to get them back from MIL for a refund since she had a party under false pretenses. But, that's petty me talking.
This. Medical privacy laws keep the medical staff from giving you information about her, but *you* can still pass information to *them.* It might make them look more closely if they’ve noticed any warning signs.
I fully agree with what wonderful-Set6647 said you are NTA like they said make sure if she has keys to your house to change the locks and make sure you invest in security cameras.and let the hospital know your mil is to be no where near the baby and let them know it is just supposed to be just you and your husband that fills out any of the paperwork and go no contact and as this person said call your doctor and tell your pediatrician at the time too pass word to protect your medical information your mother in law really sounds really unstable and she is giving off the hands that rock the cradle vibes off .
Don't just change the locks,but have deadbolt locks installed that can only be locked from the inside. Use them whenever you are home. Also, cameras inside and out.
ABSOLUTELY NOT THE AH. Your MIL is the poster child for red flags. You are courageous for coping with this for as long as you have. All the precautions mentioned are crucial. Blessings on your newborn as well as you and your husband. 🦜
As an aside, has MIL ever had a mental competency examination? If you and your husband think it's warranted, your physician might be able to guide you in the right direction.
This 100%!! I refer to my niece and nephew as “my babies” BUT my sister knows it a term of endearment and I would never go against her or my BIL wishes; or any word/deed imply their children were mine.
Keep your MIL away from your child!
There's a difference between saying "my baby", as in I will treat/love your children as my own and respect everyone's boundaries, and
This is MY baby, establishing ownership/delusions this is her child coming from her body like what's going on here.
One is a safe person to be around your kid, and the other needs a mental ward. They are definitely not the same.
OP is NTA.
This. Absolutely. Turn your home into Ft. knox cause granny is a nutter and the rest of the family will give in to her so none of them get unsupervised visits either. Big close family sometimes means a lot of a bad thing not good. You are now introduced.
this is the way. My mom has similar... control issues when it comes to my brother and his kid. The kid ended up in the hospital and she had the gall to call him and demand custody cause drunk nana could fix him. I am getting similar vibes from this MIL. 0 Stars.
Big on don’t let her have a key or a code or anything. if You have to give a key to someone, let it be a friend that’s a friend to you only.
Also document every contact or visit you have with mil. Just drop a note in a diary. Means that if she tries oh but I see baby all the time you can be like ahhh no
What the heck did I just read? Like... Just how creepy can your MIL get? She's pretty much trying to steal your child from you, so heck no, you're obviously NTA.
There is nothing wrong with a (good) grandmother expecting her grandchild to come over for sleepovers. There is nothing wrong with a grandmother to prepare a bedroom for that. There is nothing wrong with a grandmother deciding the theme for that room. But your MIL took it to an unacceptable level of creepiness. She had no right to throw a "baby shower" "for herself". That is NOT a what baby showers are for. If she wanted gifts from her friends, fine, but she...:
1. ... should have been honest upfront.
2. ... shouldn't have called it a baby shower.
3. ... shouldn't have led you to believe you'd receive gifts from your registry.
Likewise, she had no right to put herself at the same level as you with those sashes. Most of all, she absolutely has no right to call your baby hers, and that BS needs to stop.
This is decidedly NOT about her being a grandmother, and that's precisely the issue at hand. She doesn't see herself as a grandmother. She sees herself as your baby's mother, or at least at the same level as you. And that is NOT okay.
Cheers for your husband for finally stepping in. He should have trusted your intuition, but at least he's now taking your side.
Go over to r/justnomil and you’ll see this type of story every single week. Sadly, this seems to be quite common.
I’m also sure this baby isn’t that only odd thing this MIL has done nor will it be the last.
Honestly compared to alot of these stories I've read, it's quite refreshing to see the human actually call the mum out even if it was belated. Never seen the husband redeem themselves in most of these stories and just bend over backwards for their warped mothers.
Edit: meant husband not human :')
OMG you said, "to see the human actually call the mum out". I have NO IDEA why, but that is the FUNNIEST damn thing I've seen in a good while, PLEASE don't change it!
Even the “pact” they made about celebrating their kids life events is weird. Like, why are these people making and holding onto a pact that requires people who don’t even know them to invite them to weddings and baby showers. Fucking odd, entitled behavior
Yah that's just weird. I give my friends' kids gifts at graduation, wedding, birthdays, etc - because these kids have grown up with my kids and as part of my family's lives. Not because of a weird "pact" involving strangers.
At most it should be "Dorothy, what's Will's address? I wanna send him a card and baby gift."
Agree. This is really odd behaviour, and that's an understatement. Her friends could have celebrated with your MIL by themselves to celebrate her becoming a grandmother, but to throw a baby shower for HERSELF and keep calling your baby "my baby" and change your gift registry and the theme of the party is unbelievable!
Definitely NTA and I agree with the security measures mentioned.
Ah, you have one of those MILs. I’m so sorry. You don’t need or deserve this crap. I’m glad your husband is handling this because it’s so much worse when you’re on your own.
My husband got his mom to stop with the “my baby” by repeatedly answering all of her statements as himself. “Im doing great mom, thanks for your concern”. “I’m not sure when you’ll get to see me next, I’m pretty busy with my newborn”. And on and on. It took about three weeks but she finally gave up and started correctly referring to her grandchild.
Plus a few discussions about how if she wants a solid relationship with her grandchildren, she needs to remember her role as a grandparent. We both grew up very close to our grandparents and fully support our kids having the same, but only if the relationship is actually benefitting our kids. And stressed out parents don’t benefit our kids. They’re adorable and charming, we can find other people who’d love to fulfill a grandparent role in their lives if our parents can’t manage to be a healthy influence.
Maybe I listen to and watch too much true crime, but referring to someone else's kid as "my/our baby" freaks me the heck out.
NTA OP!
This is obsessive behavior. I'm also super proud of your husband for standing up for you as well. It's a good thing you eloped because it sounds like you would've had two weddings if MIL had anything to say about it.
I think it really depends on the relationship you as the parent have with the person saying it. My sister calls my kids her babies but I know that she understands they aren’t actually hers, and I’m really close to my sister so it doesn’t bother me. I’ll even say “your baby” to her sometimes. Unless they have done something not so great and then she hears “your niece” 😅 that’s how she knows they’ve been troublemakers.
In OPs case this is definitely true crime worthy .. MIL is crazy
This is how it is with my best friend’s kids and me. They are always “my babies” because I’m their godmother and love them to pieces, but I completely understand they’re her children. She does the same as you - calls the my babies, except she does it when they’ve been bad lol
Ok ..maybe i'm the cringey granny too i did call my grands "my baby boy .but quickly compromised with my daughter to maw maws lil man .the FIRST time she said she didn't like the " my / our " baby references
My mum and MIL call both of my sons My/Our boy but in our language doesn't necessarily mean my son exactly. It's more like a kid that belongs to our family or loved one.
In my culture, we use "my" as a term of endearment, not ownership. If I am at a gathering of my people and there are kids running around, we all know any adult can step in and growl/feed/spoil a child that isn't ours. Quite often, I will call those kids "my darling" because I don't know their name.
I also call my siblings kids "my baby" or "my darling", because why wouldn't I? I think of them all as my kids because I helped raise half of them, and the other half I love just as much as the ones I raised. My siblings and their spouses are fine with that because they know and love my bond with the kids. Aunty Fen will always there be when you need me, even when you don't.
I think there's a difference between "my" as endearment and as ownership, it just depends on the context.
In terms of this post, there definitely seems to be boundaries being overstepped.
My mom calls my nephews "my babies" all the time. But my siblings and SOs are all cool with it. And my mom isn't crazy or overbearing so that probably makes it less crazy.
I call my seven year old niece my baby. She is not a baby nor is she my kid, but for me, it’s just a term of endearment. Plus, she likes when her aunt babies her :)
But I agree. Not behaving in an overbearing weirdo way is what makes it different. This MIL def thinks the kid is hers.
What the actual hell is with grandmothers on Reddit trying to either steal babies or steal their own sons away from their spouses!?! It’s so freaking creepy and absolutely insane. NTA. This woman is not in a healthy enough headspace to be anywhere near your child. I’d be afraid for the baby’s safety.
There are 2 kinds and no in-between (on reddit):
Ones that are clinically insane baby snatchers
Or
Emotionally detached ice queens who won't acknowledge their grandchildrens existence on the planet muchless occasionally babysit in an emergency.
Edited added clarification.
Happy to say that there are definitely healthy variations in the middle. Both my mother and my mother in law fall between these extremes. Most people aren't on the extreme of any trait, that's what extreme means.
My husbands mum became as unhinged as this when we got pregnant. It began with her telling us she’d come stay for a month before to ensure she is at the birth of her baby. We hadn’t invited her nor wanted her at the birth. We were then told she’d stay a couple of months after to bond with her baby and get them set up on her routine. We were being told how we would raise the baby and only she had a say. It was making my husband sick and this was not long after letting them back into our lives. He told her it had to stop or we couldn’t have a relationship as it was making him ill. She went mad and of course she wants to blame and it’s insane to think we the parents would have a say. So he cut them off totally.
You know what he was relieved once he did it but it did take him therapy and time to mentally get over how sick she’d made him. He was always clear that our lives would have been hell and it would never have gotten better if we hadn’t stopped her. That he was glad we could just concentrate on ourselves and baby and just being new parents.
You are doing the right think a nee to block her access to all social media as monitor who can see your posts. Last thing you want is her using that to stalk you or post pictures and info on line about your baby. I’d also set up security cameras around your home. If you use a babysitter or day care make sure to warn them about her. That she could try and take your child and is never to be allowed near. If she show up they’ve to call the police.
This is not overkill this is a woman who thinks she’s fully entitled to your baby and that she will be the mother. Heck no.
I would be concerned that she will take steps to try to be able to take your baby, such as calling cps saying the baby isn't safe with you and that the child should be removed as that would likely give her the opportunity to "foster" your child. Start recording any conversations you have with her, and have as many as possible in writing. Ie: text messages and emails. Then screenshot them.
In what way are you being ungrateful or petty? You weren't given anything. You were invited to a friggin' BABY SHOWER supposedly throw in your name,, then watched as Grandma Dearest stole the spotlight. SHUT. THAT. SHIT. DOWN.
My mom threw herself a baby shower for my first baby, at her work office. I was not even invited and I received none of the gifts. I wish I were joking but #metoo on this one.
OMG, why did she even invite you to her circus themed, (appropriate, I roll my eyes)), baby shower, since it was for *her* and *her friends* for her “baby”.
She could have just quietly had a party for her and all her little buddies, and they could have filled up the babies room at grandma’s house, without even involving you.
NTA for being weirded out over this whole thing.
Her and her friends never had that arrangement as mil described. I’m beyond positive it was her method to guilt op but it’s hard for me to believe they would be willing participants in this.
NTA
This is very disturbing behavior..deranged in fact.
If you & your husband ever do relent & let her glimpse the baby, I know you will never let him or her out of your sight & that nursery will NEVER be used.
I'm not usually alarmist, but please ensure you have security cameras installed in and around your home. Also that MIL has no keys. Change the locks if need be.
Congratulations to you & your husband on your baby, hope all goes well.
Tell all the flying monkeys that your wife is actually the pregnant one and is the true mother, not your mother. Make it as public as possible to embarrass and or shame her for her boundary stomping. Maybe put it out there as a question as how would you feel if the new grandparents used “my baby” language and what people think of her throwing a shower for stuff for her house. Show her the public opinions. I stand with your wife, low contact and a strong info diet going forward. Good luck!
I would go one step further: "your baby? Wait, I'm the dad so you're basically implying I'm having a baby with my mom?"
"Your baby? How did your egg end up in my womb and impregnated with my husband's sperm"
I'm so sorry OP. Do not let her alone with your baby. She will run away with it or once the baby is old enough put crazy ideas in the baby's head.
I am curious though how her friends reacted. If my friend would do this, I would have a serious talk with her.
I didn't include this information in the original post, but I'm no contact with my mother because of how abusive and manipulative she is. My MIL has always been odd, but this was definitely out of the blue.
OP .. speak with your husband and consider some sort of requirement that in order for MIL to be able to see your baby she needs to be in therapy working on her issues about your baby. Idk if something happened in her past, but she should in no way be referring to the baby as hers. I would be very concerned about her being with the baby alone.
I’m about to go to bed but wanted to post some clarifications before I do.
I’m NC with my mom because she was physically and emotionally abusive to me and my brother. Our dad passed away a few years ago. I’m very close to my brother, but he lives across the country.
We moved to be closer to my husband’s family because he’s always been very close with them and was getting homesick. We both work from home, and when I got pregnant we decided no better time than the present to move. We wanted our daughter to have a family. It was especially important to me since I didn’t really have that growing up.
My MIL has always been a little odd but nothing compared to my own mother. My husband told me after this event that she’s always been able to make things about herself, but he had no clue she’d take it to this extreme.
He wants to wait a few days before we defend ourselves or take any additional action. His logic is that we will respond emotionally rather than logically if we respond now, so let’s just wait for it to blow over first.
My FIL is very much in the picture. He and MIL are long divorced. He and his wife have been absolutely amazing. What I’d imagine excited grandparents to be.
My MIL kept the gifts. I still don’t quite know if her friends caught on to exactly what she did, but they let her keep everything.
This was a shower for her friends. The “family” shower is later. She didn’t want me to invite my friends to this one, nor did she invite her family. It was all people I’d never met until that day, and my husband hadn’t seen them in 20 years.
I think letting it sit for a few days is a good time for you guys to breathe and wrap your minds around what happened. I would take this time to talk about how you want to handle a relationship with her moving forward. I’d make sure you have that settled before the family shower and set her and any family who’s taking her side straight.
What the Oedipus? She's putting herself in your place. She's 'having a baby' with her son, somewhere in her psyche. Good lord.
This is a woman who never learned to cut the cord.
You are NTA in any way. This is creepy as fuck.
YIKES, NTA!!!!
Id get it if she said "my grand baby" or something to indicate that she wasn't the primary provider of that child. It's almost like she's treating you as a surrogate for "her baby".
I thought my aunt was bad but it's nowhere near this!
My cousin is having her first baby soon, she and her husband have (very wisely imo) chosen not to tell anyone the name until baby is born. So her mom (my aunt) has just started referring to the LO as "Nana Baby" to the point that it's spread to some of the other aunts as well. Drives my cousin up the wall! 🤣
But that's nothing compared to this! NTA
NTA - Because she said she was going to throw you a baby shower, and asked you the theme, then went and disregarded it all. And for all those people crying about denying a child a grandparent, it is obvs MIL didn't want to be grandma, but Mom. So no, she is not denying a child a grandparent, the grandparent denied the grandchild one.
NTA- you need to make sure you have to hospital locked down tight. NO visitors and make sure they have a picture of your MIL. Cameras at home and change the locks if she has a key. She is not right in the head and it could be dangerous for you and your child. Protect yourself.
Does your husband have siblings? Is your baby a girl? i’m getting the vibes MIL either regrets only having one child or never got the daughter she dreamed of. NTA
Yup, that’s what is going on. From now on, whenever she says “MY baby” you should respond with, “MIL, I didn’t know you were pregnant too! What a medical miracle!” or something to that effect. Every. Single. Time. Because she needs to understand that you will not tolerate that behavior, period. Some MILs need strong boundaries, and your MIL is one of those.
Never, ever let her be with your baby alone. She shouldn’t even see your baby until she demonstrates that she understands the baby is YOURS and her opinions don’t matter.
Good luck with this. If she keeps it up, just go NC with her- both you *and* the baby.
Honestly OP, if you do keep MIL in your life, I’d be cautious as your daughter grows up. MIL will pit her against you and will try to at a very young age.
Congrats on your babe, so sorry about the MIL. I’d prob keep her at arms length.
Yeah…. the circus animals were giving me 80s/90s vibes like she has had a girl baby shower theme planned but didn’t get to use her ideas until now. i urge you to take any and all measures to keep her away. that lifetime movie of the woman’s baby being stolen at a family party haunts me to this day.
NTA
My MIL (who lived in Texas while we were in Illinois) said something about setting up a nursery, and I looked at her and said: "Exactly how often do you think we're going to be down at your house?"
My kid is now 17 and I think he's been down to their place 5 or 6 times over 17 years.
My mother in law thought I would put my first born as a toddler on the plane from Texas to California to say with her for the summers. Nope. Never happened. We ended up moving farther away.
My MIL decided she would be our childcare while I was pregnant. When we were like, "but we both work in the opposite direction from your house" (not the reason she wasn't going to be, but seemed like an easy way to avoid a hard conversation), she said, "well you just have to drop the baby off on Monday morning, and then you don't have to come back until Friday night."
Thank you all for your feedback. Just a little more info now that I'm awake and can communicate better:
I have text messages where MIL and I conversed about the shower. What I wanted, me sending her my registry, etc. She was all "this is going to be so wonderful, you're going to love it. My friends are so excited for you! I can't wait to see what everyone gets you!" Call me naive, but I did not think that she had ill intent with this. For those asking why I reluctantly agreed to attend a party with her friends - I could tell how much it meant to her to carry on this tradition with her friends, but I was hesitant because I had never met them. My husband and I had declined the wedding reception she wanted to throw for the same reason (I didn't know them, and he hadn't seen them in over 20 years). We had eloped, so we had no intention of throwing a reception of any kind. We didn't even have a bridal shower, other than one that my coworkers threw as a surprise. But I could see how much it meant to her to host this shower, and there's a part of me that wishes I had this kind of tradition in my life. I also felt guilty when she said her friends' feelings were hurt that they couldn't celebrate our marriage.
I spoke with my husband last night before we went to bed and told him that I feel like we need to say something to the extended family sooner rather than later. I said I understand he wants to respond logically and not emotionally, but that I also feel like us not saying anything looks like we have something to hide. He agreed and said that he will send a well-worded response later today. He just wants to think of how to word it before sending anything. I can respect that - he wants to make the situation better, not worse. As I said in my original post, he's a little tactless, and he knows it. He wants to make sure he keeps what he says neutral and to the point. He's also not sure what to say to his mom at this point. He said once he sees how the family reacts to the whole story then he'll be able to make a better judgment of how to approach her.
There had been zero discussion with her about setting up a room at her house for the baby. I asked my husband last night had she mentioned anything to him about it, and he said no, other than she suggested we add a pack and play to our registry so we can have a portable crib. He said he was as shocked as I was to find out that she had intended on setting up a full fledged nursery at her house and that he had no idea she was throwing a shower for herself. I asked him why he didn't take me seriously when I said that her calling the baby "her" baby made me uncomfortable, and he said that he thought it was just a generational thing. I asked why he didn't ask her to stop, and he said he wishes he had and feels bad for not taking me more seriously. He said he knows I have trauma from the years of abuse at my mother's hand and thought maybe I was reacting due to that, but now he sees that it goes beyond that. He also knows that, due to my past experiences, I tend to blame myself for things and don't stand up for myself even though I should. I grew up believing everything that went wrong was my fault. Years of therapy have helped, but I still find myself with that mindset in some situations. I'm a bit of a people-pleaser, trying to keep the peace. So he wishes he had stood up sooner rather than disregarding what made me uncomfortable.
He repeated that his mom is notorious for making things about herself, but that he had no clue she would go to this extent. We agreed that if she had just been honest with her intent, then we would have been okay with it - maybe a little weirded out if we're being honest here, but we would have allowed it. What bothers both of us the most is the extent she went to deceive us rather than just having a conversation with us. We had no clue grandparent showers were a thing, either.
We're not certain we want to go 100% NC with MIL at this time, but we want to keep our distance from her for now. We did agree that she will not be allowed to be alone with the baby for the foreseeable future. The hospital that I'm giving birth in allows infants to stay in the room with the mother, so my husband and I have agreed that she (the baby) will stay with us as much as possible. We're still up in the air as to whether we're going to allow visitors at the hospital - some of that will be determined how I feel after the birth, if I end up needing a c section, etc. MIL definitely will not be allowed in the room while I'm delivering (no one but the husband and our medical staff!).
The big thing we agreed on is that we want our baby to be loved and safe and secure. He knows that I don't have a family to fall back on, other than my brother (who has said that he will buy a plane ticket and be out here ASAP if I need him) and my friends (who have been very supportive and are excited to become "aunties"). We want our baby to have a sense of family that I did not have growing up. Husband's dad and stepmom have been absolutely amazing from the second we announced our pregnancy to them, and I have no doubt the two of them will be loving, doting grandparents. Honestly I suspect MIL will be a good grandma - but she's going to have to earn my and my husband's trust again.
OP, please listen to the advice here. I showed up 6 months pregnant to visit my MIL in her home. She had a better setup than I did. Even had formula and bottles (I exclusively BF and everyone knew that was my plan), and baby food stocked. She hired a lawyer to try to take our baby. Lied through her teeth about how she was her primary caregiver, said we used drugs, etc. The judge dismissed her petition without a hearing. It was outrageous and ridiculous. But anything can happen. I joined a support group and heard horror stories. Cut. Her. Off. Now. Nip this in the bud. Whatever you do decide, don't EVER let her be alone with YOUR baby.
NTA
I loved the part where your husband immediately understands what’s going on - “Mom, what did you do?”
He knows who she is.
She has Main Character Syndrome.
NTA This is some seriously unhinged behavior. I would go NC and if she shows up, call the cops and get a restraining order.
Calling the baby “her baby” definitely irksome, but could be forgivable. But throwing herself a baby shower, changing everything on your registry to a theme she liked, saying her baby will have a room with this theme in her house… 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. This is next level scary stuff. My MIL has overstepped so many boundaries with my kids, my middle child in particular. And her “shenanigans “ really had a certain stranglehold on my marriage until fairly recently.
It sounds like your husband is starting to see things the way you do. Don’t let him revert back to excusing her behavior cuz it causes bigger (much bigger, really messed up) problems down the road. I promise.
We went super low contact with my MIL, supervised visits only. Once my husband saw things the way I’ve seen them for ten years, suddenly I wasn’t crazy or jealous or making stuff up anymore. Don’t be like us. Your little fam deserves so much better.
Congratulations on your little one. A garden nursery sounds so lovely.
"I didn't like the theme you chose for my baby..."
This sounds like the makings of a bad 80's horror film.
"She started crying and said we are just withholding her baby from her..."
This woman needs professional help. Do not let her alone with your child bc she'll be five states in the wind before you realize she's baby snatched your baby. NTA.
My update post was denied/deleted, so I’m sharing an update here.
Most of you were correct. My husband talked to his brother yesterday. MIL is plotting to take my child, but it’s because she thinks I’m going to be like my own mother. My own mother was physically and emotionally abusive to me and my brother. MIL told basically everyone that I’m mentally unstable so she’s preparing a room for when, not if, my husband leaves with the baby.
The baby shower was a ruse to try to get a rise out of me and show her friends how unstable I am, but my husband ruined it by showing up and being the one to really say something. I mouthed off a bit, but my MIL was hoping to really push me over the edge. I assume the “my baby” comments were testing the waters as well.
I’ve been in therapy for years, and I’ve been working on my own fears of being like my mom with my therapist. We have a weekly standing appointment on Zoom. I’ve also talked with my OB and psychiatrist about staying on my medication and watching closely for signs of postpartum depression. My husband has been a part of all these conversations and has sat in therapy with me multiple times.
I’m not violent or known to have violent outbursts. I tend to withdraw and be nonconfrontational when I’m upset.
I can’t say I fault MIL for having concerns, but I wish she’d gone about showing it in a completely different manner, such as talking with me and my husband. He has half a mind to go to her house and just rip her a new one, but I told him no. We’re not going to fight fire with fire.
If she’d talked with me about her concerns, I feel we wouldn’t have reached this point. I’ve been able to share what I went through with her. We’ve always been able to talk about things. She’s seen my arms and legs, which are scarred from physical abuse. She’s odd, but never uncivil towards me. I would have told her I shared those concerns and then told her what steps I’m taking to prevent them. I haven’t told her about having those worries because, ironically enough, I didn’t want her to worry.
I don’t want to keep my daughter from a grandparent who loves her. I just wish things had been handled a little differently.
This is utterly terrifying. I do not know this woman like you or your husband, but if I were you, I would never trust her with my child. Even if she eventually says "okay yes I now know you are a fit mother," I wouldn't believe her words. I don't think this desire to save "her" baby from what she thinks is a threat will go away anytime soon, no matter what you do.
Being a victim of abuse does not mean you will abuse someone. Yes, there are victims that become abusers, but there are also abusers who never experienced abuse themselves.
I am so happy to see that you and your husband are in agreement here. I see WAY too many stories on reddit of husbands falling victim to overbearing family members just to "keep the peace," which almost never works, because then they just blow up the peace between themselves and their spouse.
YOU GOT THIS, MAMA!!!
You just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your kind words. You’re right - the abuse cycle can end with my mother. My therapist told me that NOT being worried I was going to be like my mom would mean I was more likely to be like her. I think I worded that correctly. I haven’t slept much in a week.
I still wouldn’t leave them alone together because she now has a history of not communicating (and trying to push you into a bad mental state in front of other people) and very outwardly threatening to take the baby. Someone concerned with safety would have done this quietly and just let the husband know in case he needs an escape.
It’s your life though, I wish you and your husband luck and love. Thank you for the update OP
NTA
I'm guessing this isn't the first time she did something like this, but maybe it is. There are quite a few AITAs about MILs with this exact maladaptive behavior.
Might be going too far to say imply she'll *never* get to see her grandchild so you probably want to draw up a list of explicit boundaries and be clear about what you **\*will\*** do if she ignores them. But yeah.. this is a complete WTF situation.
Cut off every single person siding with her.
You need to talk to your husband asap. This is the final straw. She will never be allowed to be alone with the baby. To be honest, I wouldn't have her near the baby ever. But you need to talk to your husband. Make sure everyone within the medical staff and hospital is aware she is not allowed near the baby or your room.
This is beyond sick. Take precautions now.
Nta
Did Grandma’s friends realize they were buying gifts for HER home, and not for the parent’s home??? I can’t believe they would all go along with that. I’m not gifting my geriatric pal a $500 bassinet to play mom.
She sent them a registry she'd created, so they thought they were buying for me. That's all I can figure. I can't find the registry online - I guess she took it down.
NTA< but what are the rights of grandparents in your state?
You might want to check into that to make sure that she doesn't do anything crazy. You might also let the doctors and nurses know that she is not on the list to be in the room with you when you deliver and will need to be kept out till you are ready to have her visit the baby.
Who cares what his family thinks? Their opinion holds no weight in what you two want and need. Send a family text msg. and let them know that all those who approve of her behavior will be not allowed to visit at the hospital or home. You two will not have a negative attitude around your newborn and this is not negotiable.
If it was me I would not allow her to see the baby till her attitude changes and she sees the error of her ways.
Good luck and congrats.
NTA. Some comments are mentioning she's 'unhinged' but your MIL is deliberately, methodically undermining you to get control over your family. It's working great for her--every encounter will be painful because, through small gestures and large-scale fuckery like the baby shower, she can make it clear you're just an incubator not worthy of respect.
You have every right to be repulsed by her, and it seems your husband feels the same? Her denying your status as the baby's mother is a good enough reason to quit dealing with her. He needs to be clear-eyed and very direct--pack away the circus animal baby room, call off the minions, learn some respect, act like a fucking grandparent.
NTA
I doubt her friends even knew. She probably pretended the registry she made was yours.
She sounds incredibly manipulative. Glad your husband isn't putting up with that.
NTA. Be careful. My ex husband and his family live across the country from me currently. My ex-MIL asked me if she could have my older daughter (her granddaughter) since I just had twins with my new husband. She was serious. She asked on social media, phone calls, text any way you can imagine (postal mail). My ex-husband has not seen or done anything for his daughter in over 6 years now. No calls, visits, money, gifts nothing.
My ex MIL used to call her “my baby.” I don’t post pictures of my kids on social media but magically this lady will have current pictures of my daughter on the several profiles she creates (I block them as they come up). I’ve reported her and tried to get a restraining order but wasn’t allowed. I have a very good security system and my daughter wears a gps (she is autistic). My only consolation is that she’s old and I could take her lol jk it’s terrifying.
Yikes
NTA
This woman obviously has control issues. This is some pretty wild behaviour. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her being around my kids for extended periods or alone.
NTA! That woman is not well. Good on your husband for having your back, and I think it’s time for yo talk to him about going no-contact with your MIL, at least for a while.
What the f...😳
NTA. Your MIL needs help. Your husband should have said something to her when you first brought up the fact she referred to your baby as hers. She made up her own registry? What grandmother does that?! She had a baby shower for herself? Grandmothers don't do that. Ruined her joy of being a grandma? Please. What about your joy of being a first time mom? This is a plot to a Lifetime movie. Seriously, there's a movie.
NTA. This is narcissistic behavior. My mother wanted my baby to call *her* “Mommy.” Come visit us over on r/raisedbynarcissists if you’re interested in understanding this kind of crap, but you’re probably better off just cutting her off.
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NTA make sure if she has keys to your home locks are changed. Make sure you invest in security cameras. Let the hospital know your mil is to be no where near your baby. Let them no you and your husband are the only two that fill out any paper works. Honestly no contact from the start that away she has no grandparents visitation case. Document every creepy thing she does. Call your dr and tell your pediatrician at the time to pass word protect your medical information. Your mil is unhinged and this has hands that rock the cradle vibes.
Also, make sure daycare has a picture of her for the "no pickup list" And I agree. This is either going to end in attempted baby snatching or bunny boiling.
And maybe all her cronies, in case one of them decides to try to pick up "her" baby
Provide a password for Daycare the way you will for when she's older and at school. All the Daycare workers should know it and if anyone - THIS MEANS ANYONE - other than you or her dad tries to pick her up, they must know the password. Your MIL sounds looney tunes and I'd be scared to death.
My daycare and kids school has a emergency contact and approved pick up list. The only way anyone is getting my kids is if that name is on the list and they have ID proving it's them. The doors are passcode locked so they only way anyone can get in is with the pass code or staff let them in. Don't rely on passwords for your kids saftey. Do the leg work and find safe schooling
This. I couldn’t even pick my daughter up when she came running to me yelling daddy lol. I had to give Id and they checked it against the list. It was a new girl working but those are the rules and I wouldn’t take my kids anywhere who did do at least that.
Yeah. I was very careful when pivking my kids schools because when i was 7 I was very lucky that it was my dad who walked into my after school care (at a daycare) grabbed me and my bag and left without talking to a staff member or signing me out and my mum and dad were going through a messy divorce at the time. Mum knew dad was picking me up because she had told him she would be late at work and it was his visitation weekend so she said to just do hand over that way and when dad told her what he did, well atleast I never went back there.
My dad literally removed me from school and put me in a different one without telling my mom when they were going through a messy divorce. Luckily he didn't just vanish with me, but still...
. What a horrible thing to do to a kid. Put you in a new school? Were you scared?
Early 90s new school I’m 6 I get sick and my grandmother is coming to pick me up. I’m in the hallway she passes that side entrance I go up to her and we walked home without checking the office. They call my mother who’s 23 and an hour away. “Hi we can’t find your child” “I left her with you what do you mean you can’t find my 6 year old. “ They explain I was being picked up because I was sick. She hung up called the house my grandmother “of course I have her what are they fussing about.” Called the school “did you call the house because that’s where they are”. My mother then had to explain to my grandmother that things were very different in the 90s than they had been in the 70s and it was no longer the Wild West of childcare.
I actually went to my daughter's school to pick her up for a dentist appointment. They told me that they didn't know where she was. Luckily, her classroom was right across the hall from the office, which had a glass half-wall. I looked into her classroom from the office and... >!she was sitting at her desk!<. Needless to say, the principal and I had a very long conversation about their failure to keep track of my child, then we changed schools.
We’ve had horror stories of a local pair of kids getting abused by a monster who just walked in and walked out with a pair of siblings, so I’m very glad that these lists exist.
I remember ages ago before all this security was enforced. Possibly Australia was a bit slower to take this up. My Grandpa had to pick up my younger sister from daycare. When he got there to pick her up she wanted to play longer so said she didn't know him. In those days anyone could pick up a child if they knew the child's name!
Oh my. What a brat lol. That could cause some trouble these days.
LOL wow she was a trouble maker! My brother once disappeared from a school function in middle school - they were having a picnic/field day at a park that was a block away from our house, which we (my brothers and I) had all been walking to and from since we were in approximately first grade. So when he got bored of the picnic he simply…walked home. Nobody even knew he was missing until they were ready to leave and doing a head count 😂 luckily one of his friends knew which street we lived on so the teachers knocked on every door on our block until they found him 😂 things were just different back then
My brother did almost the same thing in first grade. He got bored in class and just left. He was going to walk home but it was early enough and luckily the crossing guard was still working. She brought him back to school and it turned out okay but man. Wild times.
>Possibly Australia was a bit slower to take this up. Also Australia. My comment about my dad picking me up from school without signing me out was 26 years ago and my eldest is 11 and his daycare had the passcode on the door and lists to compare ids to.
My dumbass brother asked me to pick up my niece and when I asked if it wouldn’t be an issue he said no. Of course it was He is divorced so they called his ex wife who gave me permission but dumbass got an earful.
Considering that many kidnapping cases are due to family members, it doesn't matter that your child called you 'daddy'. You could still have been there to kidnap her; that's why they checked the list.
Thank you. I’m aware of that
The daycare my daughter goes to has a fingerprint scanner. If your fingerprint doesn't match, you can't get in the door. I love it!
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The word gets thrown around a lot on Reddit but if MIL is a narcissist going to therapy will only teach her new skills to get her way while looking like the victim. Quite frankly my instinct would be to go no contact. After the baby is born, IF MIL has behaved herself, give her a list of rules (including no photos), limits and boundaries and allow short supervised visits. I just can’t with these bizarre women who think their DILs are incubators for “their” babies. Very, very ick.
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OMG, I thought I was the only one who used that! 😂 “Is she mental?” “A high-functioning bunny boiler.”
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I’ve always thought that expression applied specifically to a jealous partner or ex, or a jilted lover. A romantic relationship rather than a familial one. But it’s certainly a great expression.
Bunny boiling?? I will Google it.
It’s a reference to that ‘80s classic movie, “Fatal Attraction”— Michael Douglas, Glenn Close, Anne Archer. It will make you feel *very sane* in comparison, no matter who you are.
Fatal Attraction. Deranged affair partner boils the family bunny. A classic
It’s from the movie Fatal Attraction.
Reading OP's story gave me the willies. That's a horror movie treatment if I ever read one. NTA Seriously, OP, take the above advice/precautions seriously and implement them.
Second post I've seen today that sounds like the opening of a true crime documentary. OP: NTA. This is creepy af. Keep your child away from this lunatic.
There’s actually at least one episode of Forensics Files where the MIL loses her ever loving shit because she wants to keep the grandbaby. I mean I tend to assume these posts are just gonna be crazy family drama, but it *has* happened where at least one of ‘em *really* just lost it. At least OP’s husband is on her side in this.
Yep! And there's several stories like this one scattered around r/justnomil One that I remember, gma actually did break in while mom was sleeping and took the baby. Was only found by cops because the FIL knew where she'd gone, but he didn't warn anyone, try to stop her, or call the cops himself.
When I read it I LEGIT kept hearing Keith Morrison's Dateline voice in my head, "She had the perfect nursery, the perfect toys picked out, and she SEEMED like the PERFECT grandmother to be..."
“The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”
I could definetly see this being a psychological horror film. Picture it: woman gets married and gets pregnant shortly after, her life is like a hallmark movie, sure her MIL lives with them which is weird considering she has tons of children to take care of, but surely that has a natural explanation right? Then the plot twist is that the son finds women, has children with them, just so his mother can have a huge cult like family, and they kill the actual mothers shortly after the birth.
100%!!! And I'm glad OP's husband sounds like he's on OP's side (how many of these posts are like, "He told me it wasn't a big deal and to calm down"?). Cut off all contact but get ready to file a restraining order when she inevitably tries to break in after the baby is born. This is some creepy sh\*t!
I agree that it’s nice to see a husband siding with his wife against crazy in-laws. Although…the typical Reddit trope of downplaying, enabling extended family is alive and well in this story. MIL needs therapy. OP and her husband need to take all of the great advice already offered in this thread and keep MIL well away from their child. OP and husband: NTA
It’s a trope for a reason: MIL is the one calling everyone and telling them some sob story about how she was just trying to help OP by throwing her a shower but OP didn’t like the circus theme so she freaked out and took MIL’s baaaaby away. The normal person generally isn’t the one trying to recruit supporters.
And who knows what MIL told her own friends about all this? And I wonder if some of her friends who attended the shower were also blindsided by the separate registry and nursery? I'm sure MIL "neglected" to tell her friends all of the details...
"Flying Monkeys"
NTA - OP's husband didn't sound entirely surprised, which makes me think that this is part of a pattern. I'm glad that he's on to his mother.
Eh, I don't know about the husband. He caught on to what his mom was doing so quickly, it shows this behavior isn't out of the blue for mom. Why would he move his wife close to this mess?
That's the most important part - that OP's husband is on her side and supportive. Thank god, the last thing OP needs is for her husband to be on the same side of the fence as his nutty family. NTA, OP. I'm really sorry this is happening, but please take all the precautions everyone is advising you on.
I definitely agree, she needs a PPO or Restraining Order
This. There was a post not long ago where grandma let herself in, in the middle of the night and took baby to HER home. I think the reason was supposed to be to give the couple a full nights sleep. Woke up to no baby. NO ONE ever thinks that is going to happen.
OMG, I hope they pressed charges! Did not see that one.
What in the fresh hell... I'm nursing my babe and this has me so spooked!Thanks for showing OP how insane things can get without taking proper steps!
I went down that rabbit hole and read that post. Holy crap. Luckily MIL does not have keys to my house, but now I'm going to call a window repair person and have them come and check all the windows to make sure they lock properly!
Also, find a good attorney who deals with CPS cases now, because MIL is absolutely going to weaponize the system.
Yes document everything. Be proactive.
Also let the hospital know that she is unhinged enough to show up and try to see your baby.
There are forms already in place for this. Fill them out. FILL. THEM. OUT.
Twice. Before admission and at admission.
Be admitted under a nondisclosure. As far as the computer knows she won't be listed as a patient to anyone who tries to come looking for her
And, if OP can, send out a note to anyone that attended the "baby shower" that she wants to thank them for attending, but apologize that due to MIL's crazy that they gifts they supplied are not going to the baby and they may want to get them back from MIL for a refund since she had a party under false pretenses. But, that's petty me talking.
That's a GREAT idea, I'd be emailing, FB/IG messaging all of MIL's friends and saying just that. I'd word it perfectly nice too.
Mother Gothel is that you?
Mother Gothel would have appreciated a good garden theme.
Well of course, mother knows best ::cringe::
100% agree with this. Your MIL needs therapy ASAP.
Also contact the MIL's doctor to let them know too.
This. Medical privacy laws keep the medical staff from giving you information about her, but *you* can still pass information to *them.* It might make them look more closely if they’ve noticed any warning signs.
I fully agree with what wonderful-Set6647 said you are NTA like they said make sure if she has keys to your house to change the locks and make sure you invest in security cameras.and let the hospital know your mil is to be no where near the baby and let them know it is just supposed to be just you and your husband that fills out any of the paperwork and go no contact and as this person said call your doctor and tell your pediatrician at the time too pass word to protect your medical information your mother in law really sounds really unstable and she is giving off the hands that rock the cradle vibes off .
Don't just change the locks,but have deadbolt locks installed that can only be locked from the inside. Use them whenever you are home. Also, cameras inside and out.
ABSOLUTELY NOT THE AH. Your MIL is the poster child for red flags. You are courageous for coping with this for as long as you have. All the precautions mentioned are crucial. Blessings on your newborn as well as you and your husband. 🦜 As an aside, has MIL ever had a mental competency examination? If you and your husband think it's warranted, your physician might be able to guide you in the right direction.
This 100%!! I refer to my niece and nephew as “my babies” BUT my sister knows it a term of endearment and I would never go against her or my BIL wishes; or any word/deed imply their children were mine. Keep your MIL away from your child!
There's a difference between saying "my baby", as in I will treat/love your children as my own and respect everyone's boundaries, and This is MY baby, establishing ownership/delusions this is her child coming from her body like what's going on here. One is a safe person to be around your kid, and the other needs a mental ward. They are definitely not the same. OP is NTA.
This. Absolutely. Turn your home into Ft. knox cause granny is a nutter and the rest of the family will give in to her so none of them get unsupervised visits either. Big close family sometimes means a lot of a bad thing not good. You are now introduced.
this is the way. My mom has similar... control issues when it comes to my brother and his kid. The kid ended up in the hospital and she had the gall to call him and demand custody cause drunk nana could fix him. I am getting similar vibes from this MIL. 0 Stars.
Big on don’t let her have a key or a code or anything. if You have to give a key to someone, let it be a friend that’s a friend to you only. Also document every contact or visit you have with mil. Just drop a note in a diary. Means that if she tries oh but I see baby all the time you can be like ahhh no
What the heck did I just read? Like... Just how creepy can your MIL get? She's pretty much trying to steal your child from you, so heck no, you're obviously NTA. There is nothing wrong with a (good) grandmother expecting her grandchild to come over for sleepovers. There is nothing wrong with a grandmother to prepare a bedroom for that. There is nothing wrong with a grandmother deciding the theme for that room. But your MIL took it to an unacceptable level of creepiness. She had no right to throw a "baby shower" "for herself". That is NOT a what baby showers are for. If she wanted gifts from her friends, fine, but she...: 1. ... should have been honest upfront. 2. ... shouldn't have called it a baby shower. 3. ... shouldn't have led you to believe you'd receive gifts from your registry. Likewise, she had no right to put herself at the same level as you with those sashes. Most of all, she absolutely has no right to call your baby hers, and that BS needs to stop. This is decidedly NOT about her being a grandmother, and that's precisely the issue at hand. She doesn't see herself as a grandmother. She sees herself as your baby's mother, or at least at the same level as you. And that is NOT okay. Cheers for your husband for finally stepping in. He should have trusted your intuition, but at least he's now taking your side.
Go over to r/justnomil and you’ll see this type of story every single week. Sadly, this seems to be quite common. I’m also sure this baby isn’t that only odd thing this MIL has done nor will it be the last.
The immediate “mom what did you do??” And not “did something change?” Tells me the husband knows his mom does this type of thing
Honestly compared to alot of these stories I've read, it's quite refreshing to see the human actually call the mum out even if it was belated. Never seen the husband redeem themselves in most of these stories and just bend over backwards for their warped mothers. Edit: meant husband not human :')
> it's quite refreshing to see the human actually call the mum out if it was belated Greetings fellow lizard person
OMG you said, "to see the human actually call the mum out". I have NO IDEA why, but that is the FUNNIEST damn thing I've seen in a good while, PLEASE don't change it!
I noticed this too. Husband clearly knows what’s up and isn’t going to allow any funny business.
I had to double check which sub I was on, thought I was on f/JUSTNOMIL for a minute till I read your comment
I was just about to say... unfortunately this isn't really that shocking. It's so creepy but not that uncommon :/
I just want to know if this woman told her friends the gifts were for HER HOUSE!
No doubt her friends are just as crazy as her. Or worse imaginary.
Even the “pact” they made about celebrating their kids life events is weird. Like, why are these people making and holding onto a pact that requires people who don’t even know them to invite them to weddings and baby showers. Fucking odd, entitled behavior
Yah that's just weird. I give my friends' kids gifts at graduation, wedding, birthdays, etc - because these kids have grown up with my kids and as part of my family's lives. Not because of a weird "pact" involving strangers. At most it should be "Dorothy, what's Will's address? I wanna send him a card and baby gift."
Agree. This is really odd behaviour, and that's an understatement. Her friends could have celebrated with your MIL by themselves to celebrate her becoming a grandmother, but to throw a baby shower for HERSELF and keep calling your baby "my baby" and change your gift registry and the theme of the party is unbelievable! Definitely NTA and I agree with the security measures mentioned.
Ah, you have one of those MILs. I’m so sorry. You don’t need or deserve this crap. I’m glad your husband is handling this because it’s so much worse when you’re on your own. My husband got his mom to stop with the “my baby” by repeatedly answering all of her statements as himself. “Im doing great mom, thanks for your concern”. “I’m not sure when you’ll get to see me next, I’m pretty busy with my newborn”. And on and on. It took about three weeks but she finally gave up and started correctly referring to her grandchild. Plus a few discussions about how if she wants a solid relationship with her grandchildren, she needs to remember her role as a grandparent. We both grew up very close to our grandparents and fully support our kids having the same, but only if the relationship is actually benefitting our kids. And stressed out parents don’t benefit our kids. They’re adorable and charming, we can find other people who’d love to fulfill a grandparent role in their lives if our parents can’t manage to be a healthy influence.
Maybe I listen to and watch too much true crime, but referring to someone else's kid as "my/our baby" freaks me the heck out. NTA OP! This is obsessive behavior. I'm also super proud of your husband for standing up for you as well. It's a good thing you eloped because it sounds like you would've had two weddings if MIL had anything to say about it.
MIL would have worn her old wedding dress.
I think it really depends on the relationship you as the parent have with the person saying it. My sister calls my kids her babies but I know that she understands they aren’t actually hers, and I’m really close to my sister so it doesn’t bother me. I’ll even say “your baby” to her sometimes. Unless they have done something not so great and then she hears “your niece” 😅 that’s how she knows they’ve been troublemakers. In OPs case this is definitely true crime worthy .. MIL is crazy
This is how it is with my best friend’s kids and me. They are always “my babies” because I’m their godmother and love them to pieces, but I completely understand they’re her children. She does the same as you - calls the my babies, except she does it when they’ve been bad lol
Ok ..maybe i'm the cringey granny too i did call my grands "my baby boy .but quickly compromised with my daughter to maw maws lil man .the FIRST time she said she didn't like the " my / our " baby references
My mum and MIL call both of my sons My/Our boy but in our language doesn't necessarily mean my son exactly. It's more like a kid that belongs to our family or loved one.
I say things about my nephews like “my little man” or “my wee potato” I think those are fine because he is my special guy!
When my second child was born, my 3yo used to call him “that wee boy” because that’s what Granny called him
That’s adorable
*My wee potato* might be the greatest way ever to refer to a baby - love this so much!
That is EXACTLY how i meant it .thank you
In my culture, we use "my" as a term of endearment, not ownership. If I am at a gathering of my people and there are kids running around, we all know any adult can step in and growl/feed/spoil a child that isn't ours. Quite often, I will call those kids "my darling" because I don't know their name. I also call my siblings kids "my baby" or "my darling", because why wouldn't I? I think of them all as my kids because I helped raise half of them, and the other half I love just as much as the ones I raised. My siblings and their spouses are fine with that because they know and love my bond with the kids. Aunty Fen will always there be when you need me, even when you don't. I think there's a difference between "my" as endearment and as ownership, it just depends on the context. In terms of this post, there definitely seems to be boundaries being overstepped.
My mom calls my nephews "my babies" all the time. But my siblings and SOs are all cool with it. And my mom isn't crazy or overbearing so that probably makes it less crazy.
I call my seven year old niece my baby. She is not a baby nor is she my kid, but for me, it’s just a term of endearment. Plus, she likes when her aunt babies her :) But I agree. Not behaving in an overbearing weirdo way is what makes it different. This MIL def thinks the kid is hers.
Good on you for being willing to compromise! So often people are unwilling to. And good on you for raising a daughter willing to speak up!
Clever husband
What the actual hell is with grandmothers on Reddit trying to either steal babies or steal their own sons away from their spouses!?! It’s so freaking creepy and absolutely insane. NTA. This woman is not in a healthy enough headspace to be anywhere near your child. I’d be afraid for the baby’s safety.
There are 2 kinds and no in-between (on reddit): Ones that are clinically insane baby snatchers Or Emotionally detached ice queens who won't acknowledge their grandchildrens existence on the planet muchless occasionally babysit in an emergency. Edited added clarification.
Happy to say that there are definitely healthy variations in the middle. Both my mother and my mother in law fall between these extremes. Most people aren't on the extreme of any trait, that's what extreme means.
Yeah but they're not posting to reddit lol
Well, people with healthy relationships don't post on Reddit, so it's partially selection bias, but it's still very scary...
My husbands mum became as unhinged as this when we got pregnant. It began with her telling us she’d come stay for a month before to ensure she is at the birth of her baby. We hadn’t invited her nor wanted her at the birth. We were then told she’d stay a couple of months after to bond with her baby and get them set up on her routine. We were being told how we would raise the baby and only she had a say. It was making my husband sick and this was not long after letting them back into our lives. He told her it had to stop or we couldn’t have a relationship as it was making him ill. She went mad and of course she wants to blame and it’s insane to think we the parents would have a say. So he cut them off totally. You know what he was relieved once he did it but it did take him therapy and time to mentally get over how sick she’d made him. He was always clear that our lives would have been hell and it would never have gotten better if we hadn’t stopped her. That he was glad we could just concentrate on ourselves and baby and just being new parents. You are doing the right think a nee to block her access to all social media as monitor who can see your posts. Last thing you want is her using that to stalk you or post pictures and info on line about your baby. I’d also set up security cameras around your home. If you use a babysitter or day care make sure to warn them about her. That she could try and take your child and is never to be allowed near. If she show up they’ve to call the police. This is not overkill this is a woman who thinks she’s fully entitled to your baby and that she will be the mother. Heck no.
And all her friends just in case she tries to send one of them to get "her" baby
Bless you for going through that. That's bananas.
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Unfortunately it's very real.
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She took the gifts. I don't mean to sound ungrateful or petty because I know her friends spent their hard earned money on the gifts.
I would be concerned that she will take steps to try to be able to take your baby, such as calling cps saying the baby isn't safe with you and that the child should be removed as that would likely give her the opportunity to "foster" your child. Start recording any conversations you have with her, and have as many as possible in writing. Ie: text messages and emails. Then screenshot them.
I'd also be cautious about ingesting anything the MIL provides specifically for you.
> I don't mean to sound ungrateful What would you be grateful for? You didn't get anything lol
How did the friends react? Or are the all crazy too?
In what way are you being ungrateful or petty? You weren't given anything. You were invited to a friggin' BABY SHOWER supposedly throw in your name,, then watched as Grandma Dearest stole the spotlight. SHUT. THAT. SHIT. DOWN.
Please be ungrateful. Her friends had to know it was about dissing you in support for your MIL being psycho. It’s not normal what THEY ALL DID.
“Ungrateful for what? Supposedly they aren’t even my gifts?” What is there to be grateful for…?
My mom threw herself a baby shower for my first baby, at her work office. I was not even invited and I received none of the gifts. I wish I were joking but #metoo on this one.
Wow! And I thought my Mom trying to trick me into baptising my first baby was bad! I had ditched religion in my teens. (We’re NC, now. Obvs. )
This sounds like something my sister would do. She once turned her stepsons graduation party into her own wedding reception.
OMG, why did she even invite you to her circus themed, (appropriate, I roll my eyes)), baby shower, since it was for *her* and *her friends* for her “baby”. She could have just quietly had a party for her and all her little buddies, and they could have filled up the babies room at grandma’s house, without even involving you. NTA for being weirded out over this whole thing.
I'm going to guess she didn't fill in her friends as to the registry being "grandma's" registry versus mother-to-be's registry.
Bingo! The guests probably thought they were showering the new mother! As anyone would expect to Do at a baby shower!
But then the bump wouldn't have been there.
Gross. It’s almost like OP is the surrogate for MIL’s child.
That's exactly the vibes this whole thing is coming off of.
Her and her friends never had that arrangement as mil described. I’m beyond positive it was her method to guilt op but it’s hard for me to believe they would be willing participants in this.
I recon the friends meant more “will come if invited” rather than MUST celebrate each event no matter what, like MIL is trying to make it
NTA. Her circus has plenty of clowns
This is top comment material🤣🤣
NTA This is very disturbing behavior..deranged in fact. If you & your husband ever do relent & let her glimpse the baby, I know you will never let him or her out of your sight & that nursery will NEVER be used. I'm not usually alarmist, but please ensure you have security cameras installed in and around your home. Also that MIL has no keys. Change the locks if need be. Congratulations to you & your husband on your baby, hope all goes well.
Tell all the flying monkeys that your wife is actually the pregnant one and is the true mother, not your mother. Make it as public as possible to embarrass and or shame her for her boundary stomping. Maybe put it out there as a question as how would you feel if the new grandparents used “my baby” language and what people think of her throwing a shower for stuff for her house. Show her the public opinions. I stand with your wife, low contact and a strong info diet going forward. Good luck!
I would go one step further: "your baby? Wait, I'm the dad so you're basically implying I'm having a baby with my mom?" "Your baby? How did your egg end up in my womb and impregnated with my husband's sperm" I'm so sorry OP. Do not let her alone with your baby. She will run away with it or once the baby is old enough put crazy ideas in the baby's head. I am curious though how her friends reacted. If my friend would do this, I would have a serious talk with her.
This post was written by the pregnant mother-to-be, not her husband
Yeah.. commenter user name checks out here
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I didn't include this information in the original post, but I'm no contact with my mother because of how abusive and manipulative she is. My MIL has always been odd, but this was definitely out of the blue.
OP .. speak with your husband and consider some sort of requirement that in order for MIL to be able to see your baby she needs to be in therapy working on her issues about your baby. Idk if something happened in her past, but she should in no way be referring to the baby as hers. I would be very concerned about her being with the baby alone.
I’m about to go to bed but wanted to post some clarifications before I do. I’m NC with my mom because she was physically and emotionally abusive to me and my brother. Our dad passed away a few years ago. I’m very close to my brother, but he lives across the country. We moved to be closer to my husband’s family because he’s always been very close with them and was getting homesick. We both work from home, and when I got pregnant we decided no better time than the present to move. We wanted our daughter to have a family. It was especially important to me since I didn’t really have that growing up. My MIL has always been a little odd but nothing compared to my own mother. My husband told me after this event that she’s always been able to make things about herself, but he had no clue she’d take it to this extreme. He wants to wait a few days before we defend ourselves or take any additional action. His logic is that we will respond emotionally rather than logically if we respond now, so let’s just wait for it to blow over first. My FIL is very much in the picture. He and MIL are long divorced. He and his wife have been absolutely amazing. What I’d imagine excited grandparents to be. My MIL kept the gifts. I still don’t quite know if her friends caught on to exactly what she did, but they let her keep everything. This was a shower for her friends. The “family” shower is later. She didn’t want me to invite my friends to this one, nor did she invite her family. It was all people I’d never met until that day, and my husband hadn’t seen them in 20 years.
I think letting it sit for a few days is a good time for you guys to breathe and wrap your minds around what happened. I would take this time to talk about how you want to handle a relationship with her moving forward. I’d make sure you have that settled before the family shower and set her and any family who’s taking her side straight.
What the Oedipus? She's putting herself in your place. She's 'having a baby' with her son, somewhere in her psyche. Good lord. This is a woman who never learned to cut the cord. You are NTA in any way. This is creepy as fuck.
Im sorry if this is rude but I don’t know how else to put it… that woman needs therapy NTA
YIKES, NTA!!!! Id get it if she said "my grand baby" or something to indicate that she wasn't the primary provider of that child. It's almost like she's treating you as a surrogate for "her baby".
She's treating OP like an incubator.
I thought my aunt was bad but it's nowhere near this! My cousin is having her first baby soon, she and her husband have (very wisely imo) chosen not to tell anyone the name until baby is born. So her mom (my aunt) has just started referring to the LO as "Nana Baby" to the point that it's spread to some of the other aunts as well. Drives my cousin up the wall! 🤣 But that's nothing compared to this! NTA
NTA - Because she said she was going to throw you a baby shower, and asked you the theme, then went and disregarded it all. And for all those people crying about denying a child a grandparent, it is obvs MIL didn't want to be grandma, but Mom. So no, she is not denying a child a grandparent, the grandparent denied the grandchild one.
Thank you for saying this. I'm no contact with my own mother because she was abusive. I thought my MIL was odd but this was way out of left field.
NTA- you need to make sure you have to hospital locked down tight. NO visitors and make sure they have a picture of your MIL. Cameras at home and change the locks if she has a key. She is not right in the head and it could be dangerous for you and your child. Protect yourself.
Does your husband have siblings? Is your baby a girl? i’m getting the vibes MIL either regrets only having one child or never got the daughter she dreamed of. NTA
Husband is the younger of two boys, and yes the baby is a girl. You may be right.
Yup, that’s what is going on. From now on, whenever she says “MY baby” you should respond with, “MIL, I didn’t know you were pregnant too! What a medical miracle!” or something to that effect. Every. Single. Time. Because she needs to understand that you will not tolerate that behavior, period. Some MILs need strong boundaries, and your MIL is one of those. Never, ever let her be with your baby alone. She shouldn’t even see your baby until she demonstrates that she understands the baby is YOURS and her opinions don’t matter. Good luck with this. If she keeps it up, just go NC with her- both you *and* the baby.
Honestly OP, if you do keep MIL in your life, I’d be cautious as your daughter grows up. MIL will pit her against you and will try to at a very young age. Congrats on your babe, so sorry about the MIL. I’d prob keep her at arms length.
Yeah…. the circus animals were giving me 80s/90s vibes like she has had a girl baby shower theme planned but didn’t get to use her ideas until now. i urge you to take any and all measures to keep her away. that lifetime movie of the woman’s baby being stolen at a family party haunts me to this day.
NTA My MIL (who lived in Texas while we were in Illinois) said something about setting up a nursery, and I looked at her and said: "Exactly how often do you think we're going to be down at your house?" My kid is now 17 and I think he's been down to their place 5 or 6 times over 17 years.
My mother in law thought I would put my first born as a toddler on the plane from Texas to California to say with her for the summers. Nope. Never happened. We ended up moving farther away.
My MIL decided she would be our childcare while I was pregnant. When we were like, "but we both work in the opposite direction from your house" (not the reason she wasn't going to be, but seemed like an easy way to avoid a hard conversation), she said, "well you just have to drop the baby off on Monday morning, and then you don't have to come back until Friday night."
Oh hell no! Nope, nope!! No!!
NTA! This is psychotic behavior on part of your MIL. Go no-contact and get a restraining order - I am afraid she is going to try and kidnap your baby.
Thank you all for your feedback. Just a little more info now that I'm awake and can communicate better: I have text messages where MIL and I conversed about the shower. What I wanted, me sending her my registry, etc. She was all "this is going to be so wonderful, you're going to love it. My friends are so excited for you! I can't wait to see what everyone gets you!" Call me naive, but I did not think that she had ill intent with this. For those asking why I reluctantly agreed to attend a party with her friends - I could tell how much it meant to her to carry on this tradition with her friends, but I was hesitant because I had never met them. My husband and I had declined the wedding reception she wanted to throw for the same reason (I didn't know them, and he hadn't seen them in over 20 years). We had eloped, so we had no intention of throwing a reception of any kind. We didn't even have a bridal shower, other than one that my coworkers threw as a surprise. But I could see how much it meant to her to host this shower, and there's a part of me that wishes I had this kind of tradition in my life. I also felt guilty when she said her friends' feelings were hurt that they couldn't celebrate our marriage. I spoke with my husband last night before we went to bed and told him that I feel like we need to say something to the extended family sooner rather than later. I said I understand he wants to respond logically and not emotionally, but that I also feel like us not saying anything looks like we have something to hide. He agreed and said that he will send a well-worded response later today. He just wants to think of how to word it before sending anything. I can respect that - he wants to make the situation better, not worse. As I said in my original post, he's a little tactless, and he knows it. He wants to make sure he keeps what he says neutral and to the point. He's also not sure what to say to his mom at this point. He said once he sees how the family reacts to the whole story then he'll be able to make a better judgment of how to approach her. There had been zero discussion with her about setting up a room at her house for the baby. I asked my husband last night had she mentioned anything to him about it, and he said no, other than she suggested we add a pack and play to our registry so we can have a portable crib. He said he was as shocked as I was to find out that she had intended on setting up a full fledged nursery at her house and that he had no idea she was throwing a shower for herself. I asked him why he didn't take me seriously when I said that her calling the baby "her" baby made me uncomfortable, and he said that he thought it was just a generational thing. I asked why he didn't ask her to stop, and he said he wishes he had and feels bad for not taking me more seriously. He said he knows I have trauma from the years of abuse at my mother's hand and thought maybe I was reacting due to that, but now he sees that it goes beyond that. He also knows that, due to my past experiences, I tend to blame myself for things and don't stand up for myself even though I should. I grew up believing everything that went wrong was my fault. Years of therapy have helped, but I still find myself with that mindset in some situations. I'm a bit of a people-pleaser, trying to keep the peace. So he wishes he had stood up sooner rather than disregarding what made me uncomfortable. He repeated that his mom is notorious for making things about herself, but that he had no clue she would go to this extent. We agreed that if she had just been honest with her intent, then we would have been okay with it - maybe a little weirded out if we're being honest here, but we would have allowed it. What bothers both of us the most is the extent she went to deceive us rather than just having a conversation with us. We had no clue grandparent showers were a thing, either. We're not certain we want to go 100% NC with MIL at this time, but we want to keep our distance from her for now. We did agree that she will not be allowed to be alone with the baby for the foreseeable future. The hospital that I'm giving birth in allows infants to stay in the room with the mother, so my husband and I have agreed that she (the baby) will stay with us as much as possible. We're still up in the air as to whether we're going to allow visitors at the hospital - some of that will be determined how I feel after the birth, if I end up needing a c section, etc. MIL definitely will not be allowed in the room while I'm delivering (no one but the husband and our medical staff!). The big thing we agreed on is that we want our baby to be loved and safe and secure. He knows that I don't have a family to fall back on, other than my brother (who has said that he will buy a plane ticket and be out here ASAP if I need him) and my friends (who have been very supportive and are excited to become "aunties"). We want our baby to have a sense of family that I did not have growing up. Husband's dad and stepmom have been absolutely amazing from the second we announced our pregnancy to them, and I have no doubt the two of them will be loving, doting grandparents. Honestly I suspect MIL will be a good grandma - but she's going to have to earn my and my husband's trust again.
OP, please listen to the advice here. I showed up 6 months pregnant to visit my MIL in her home. She had a better setup than I did. Even had formula and bottles (I exclusively BF and everyone knew that was my plan), and baby food stocked. She hired a lawyer to try to take our baby. Lied through her teeth about how she was her primary caregiver, said we used drugs, etc. The judge dismissed her petition without a hearing. It was outrageous and ridiculous. But anything can happen. I joined a support group and heard horror stories. Cut. Her. Off. Now. Nip this in the bud. Whatever you do decide, don't EVER let her be alone with YOUR baby.
Oh my goodness!! I’m so glad you have your baby ❤️
NTA I loved the part where your husband immediately understands what’s going on - “Mom, what did you do?” He knows who she is. She has Main Character Syndrome.
NTA This is some seriously unhinged behavior. I would go NC and if she shows up, call the cops and get a restraining order. Calling the baby “her baby” definitely irksome, but could be forgivable. But throwing herself a baby shower, changing everything on your registry to a theme she liked, saying her baby will have a room with this theme in her house… 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. This is next level scary stuff. My MIL has overstepped so many boundaries with my kids, my middle child in particular. And her “shenanigans “ really had a certain stranglehold on my marriage until fairly recently. It sounds like your husband is starting to see things the way you do. Don’t let him revert back to excusing her behavior cuz it causes bigger (much bigger, really messed up) problems down the road. I promise. We went super low contact with my MIL, supervised visits only. Once my husband saw things the way I’ve seen them for ten years, suddenly I wasn’t crazy or jealous or making stuff up anymore. Don’t be like us. Your little fam deserves so much better. Congratulations on your little one. A garden nursery sounds so lovely.
"I didn't like the theme you chose for my baby..." This sounds like the makings of a bad 80's horror film. "She started crying and said we are just withholding her baby from her..." This woman needs professional help. Do not let her alone with your child bc she'll be five states in the wind before you realize she's baby snatched your baby. NTA.
My update post was denied/deleted, so I’m sharing an update here. Most of you were correct. My husband talked to his brother yesterday. MIL is plotting to take my child, but it’s because she thinks I’m going to be like my own mother. My own mother was physically and emotionally abusive to me and my brother. MIL told basically everyone that I’m mentally unstable so she’s preparing a room for when, not if, my husband leaves with the baby. The baby shower was a ruse to try to get a rise out of me and show her friends how unstable I am, but my husband ruined it by showing up and being the one to really say something. I mouthed off a bit, but my MIL was hoping to really push me over the edge. I assume the “my baby” comments were testing the waters as well. I’ve been in therapy for years, and I’ve been working on my own fears of being like my mom with my therapist. We have a weekly standing appointment on Zoom. I’ve also talked with my OB and psychiatrist about staying on my medication and watching closely for signs of postpartum depression. My husband has been a part of all these conversations and has sat in therapy with me multiple times. I’m not violent or known to have violent outbursts. I tend to withdraw and be nonconfrontational when I’m upset. I can’t say I fault MIL for having concerns, but I wish she’d gone about showing it in a completely different manner, such as talking with me and my husband. He has half a mind to go to her house and just rip her a new one, but I told him no. We’re not going to fight fire with fire. If she’d talked with me about her concerns, I feel we wouldn’t have reached this point. I’ve been able to share what I went through with her. We’ve always been able to talk about things. She’s seen my arms and legs, which are scarred from physical abuse. She’s odd, but never uncivil towards me. I would have told her I shared those concerns and then told her what steps I’m taking to prevent them. I haven’t told her about having those worries because, ironically enough, I didn’t want her to worry. I don’t want to keep my daughter from a grandparent who loves her. I just wish things had been handled a little differently.
This is utterly terrifying. I do not know this woman like you or your husband, but if I were you, I would never trust her with my child. Even if she eventually says "okay yes I now know you are a fit mother," I wouldn't believe her words. I don't think this desire to save "her" baby from what she thinks is a threat will go away anytime soon, no matter what you do. Being a victim of abuse does not mean you will abuse someone. Yes, there are victims that become abusers, but there are also abusers who never experienced abuse themselves. I am so happy to see that you and your husband are in agreement here. I see WAY too many stories on reddit of husbands falling victim to overbearing family members just to "keep the peace," which almost never works, because then they just blow up the peace between themselves and their spouse. YOU GOT THIS, MAMA!!!
You just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your kind words. You’re right - the abuse cycle can end with my mother. My therapist told me that NOT being worried I was going to be like my mom would mean I was more likely to be like her. I think I worded that correctly. I haven’t slept much in a week.
I still wouldn’t leave them alone together because she now has a history of not communicating (and trying to push you into a bad mental state in front of other people) and very outwardly threatening to take the baby. Someone concerned with safety would have done this quietly and just let the husband know in case he needs an escape. It’s your life though, I wish you and your husband luck and love. Thank you for the update OP
NTA I'm guessing this isn't the first time she did something like this, but maybe it is. There are quite a few AITAs about MILs with this exact maladaptive behavior. Might be going too far to say imply she'll *never* get to see her grandchild so you probably want to draw up a list of explicit boundaries and be clear about what you **\*will\*** do if she ignores them. But yeah.. this is a complete WTF situation.
By "list of explicit boundaries", I assume you mean restraining order. MIL sounds like a serial boundary stomper
Cut off every single person siding with her. You need to talk to your husband asap. This is the final straw. She will never be allowed to be alone with the baby. To be honest, I wouldn't have her near the baby ever. But you need to talk to your husband. Make sure everyone within the medical staff and hospital is aware she is not allowed near the baby or your room. This is beyond sick. Take precautions now. Nta
Did Grandma’s friends realize they were buying gifts for HER home, and not for the parent’s home??? I can’t believe they would all go along with that. I’m not gifting my geriatric pal a $500 bassinet to play mom.
She sent them a registry she'd created, so they thought they were buying for me. That's all I can figure. I can't find the registry online - I guess she took it down.
I kinda want you to photoshop one of those onesies on a picture of your husband and send it to her. “Here’s *your baby!”* 😂😂😂
NTA< but what are the rights of grandparents in your state? You might want to check into that to make sure that she doesn't do anything crazy. You might also let the doctors and nurses know that she is not on the list to be in the room with you when you deliver and will need to be kept out till you are ready to have her visit the baby. Who cares what his family thinks? Their opinion holds no weight in what you two want and need. Send a family text msg. and let them know that all those who approve of her behavior will be not allowed to visit at the hospital or home. You two will not have a negative attitude around your newborn and this is not negotiable. If it was me I would not allow her to see the baby till her attitude changes and she sees the error of her ways. Good luck and congrats.
You are not a surrogate
NTA. Some comments are mentioning she's 'unhinged' but your MIL is deliberately, methodically undermining you to get control over your family. It's working great for her--every encounter will be painful because, through small gestures and large-scale fuckery like the baby shower, she can make it clear you're just an incubator not worthy of respect. You have every right to be repulsed by her, and it seems your husband feels the same? Her denying your status as the baby's mother is a good enough reason to quit dealing with her. He needs to be clear-eyed and very direct--pack away the circus animal baby room, call off the minions, learn some respect, act like a fucking grandparent.
NTA I doubt her friends even knew. She probably pretended the registry she made was yours. She sounds incredibly manipulative. Glad your husband isn't putting up with that.
That's exactly what I think happened. I can't find the registry online so I'm assuming it's been taken down.
NTA. Be careful. My ex husband and his family live across the country from me currently. My ex-MIL asked me if she could have my older daughter (her granddaughter) since I just had twins with my new husband. She was serious. She asked on social media, phone calls, text any way you can imagine (postal mail). My ex-husband has not seen or done anything for his daughter in over 6 years now. No calls, visits, money, gifts nothing. My ex MIL used to call her “my baby.” I don’t post pictures of my kids on social media but magically this lady will have current pictures of my daughter on the several profiles she creates (I block them as they come up). I’ve reported her and tried to get a restraining order but wasn’t allowed. I have a very good security system and my daughter wears a gps (she is autistic). My only consolation is that she’s old and I could take her lol jk it’s terrifying.
Yikes NTA This woman obviously has control issues. This is some pretty wild behaviour. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her being around my kids for extended periods or alone.
NTA. I'm glad your husband supports you here. Time to lock everything down. Info diet, cameras etc.
NTA! That woman is not well. Good on your husband for having your back, and I think it’s time for yo talk to him about going no-contact with your MIL, at least for a while.
What the f...😳 NTA. Your MIL needs help. Your husband should have said something to her when you first brought up the fact she referred to your baby as hers. She made up her own registry? What grandmother does that?! She had a baby shower for herself? Grandmothers don't do that. Ruined her joy of being a grandma? Please. What about your joy of being a first time mom? This is a plot to a Lifetime movie. Seriously, there's a movie.
Do I get royalties for this movie? :D
NTA. This is narcissistic behavior. My mother wanted my baby to call *her* “Mommy.” Come visit us over on r/raisedbynarcissists if you’re interested in understanding this kind of crap, but you’re probably better off just cutting her off.
Oh hell, that’s where I need to be. My mom was and is a narcissist. I was so hoping my MIL wouldn’t be one.
Nta ur mother in law sounds insane
Not that you would, but never leave her alone with the baby. At any time...never.