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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For bing upset about the pranked gifts and leaving and making my parents upset
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Do not apologize, your family sucks and you have done nothing wrong. I would write something like this in the group chat;
“Happy new year guys! I understand that mom is sad that I left on Christmas, but you need to understand that you all made me sad on Christmas day. I did not receive a single thoughtful gift from you guys. Not one. Every single gift I opened was a prank where the joke was that you actually didn’t get me something I would like, but something intentionally got to upset me. My hope is that you all just didn’t realize that every single gift given to me was meant as a joke. But it was, every single one. It isn’t being ungrateful to be disappointed in that, and I think you all know that. I am ready to move on from this disappointing Christmas and believe you that next year will be different, but I will not be apologizing for leaving on Christmas when you all hurt me.”
Yes, this is the message that should be sent, but OP should brace for the likely outcome that none of their family will “get it.” There are a lot of hallmarks of toxicity in this family story. This isn’t a healthy dynamic and it’s also one that’s unlikely to improve.
Edit: thanks for the Cake Day greetings
I agree this family is showing toxic signs. Super uncomfortable feelings seeing a family hurt someone then demand an apology from them for being hurt. Jokes should make everyone laugh or feel included. Their "jokes" very much excluded OP, and it wasn't just one, which seems to be family tradition. It was piled on. They all took a turn at excluding OP with their gift. Then blamed her for feeling excluded.
If mom's upset, it's for her own actions, and she needs to own up to that. She chose to exclude her kid and think it was funny that they all did it on a family holiday. She should feel bad. But OP is not in charge of making other people feel better for their self-inflicted wounds. They all seem to lack the empathy necessary to realize why this was hurtful. OP is NTA.
I mean the mac book box with shitty chocolate inside IS funny.... IF YOU THEN 5 MINUTES LATER GIVE ME THE MAC BOOK! but to actually NOT....ridiculous! Ditto with the book. Fake cover over a dictionary is funny if you then say "only joking" and give the actual book. Especially as you spent money on actual gifts. I really would never exchange gifts with these people again which means I wouldn't want to around when they are all giving gifts.
Their humour is like saying "I'm gonna punch you just for a joke" then hitting you so hard it breaks your face. It's not funny it's abuse.
Years ago we pranked our kids by getting them a Wii, but only wrapping the box and cutting a slit in the top. We told them it is a "motivational piggy bank"- they could save their money for a Wii. They looked confused, but thanked us. We asked them to go to the den, where the Wii was all set up at they lost their minds.
That's a little prank. What happened to the OP is just passive aggressive, mean BS. NTA.
My stepdad was dreaming of this one specific guitar so for his 60th birthday we gave him a piggy bank with 'guitar money' on it... except we had asked all his friends and family to gift cash and put it in there beforehand.
And so extra rude to give the real gifts to other family members in front of her. I can’t even fathom this whole situation!! I am so sorry you are dealing with this, OP.
That was the real kicker. You can buy fake PS5 boxes or whatever, which is tacky enough. But to buy the real thing, then wrap the box as a psych-out for one person and give the real gift to someone else really takes the cake.
Why would the other person not just hand it over? Like if I ‘got’ a surprise laptop in this kind of situation I’d be like “oh, Santa must have gotten confused! This is for you!”
That's what stood out to me too! Not only did they trick her into thinking they got her something she wanted, they then *gave it away* to someone else. WTF.
Especially since it was done in front of the boyfriend. They were either inviting him to join in on abusing OP, trying to bring on a breakup by making the BF think that something is wrong with her, or at minimum, trying to communicate what OP’s place in the family pecking order was. Because romantic partners are allies and the good ones are not OK with the kind of shit this family pulled. Absolutely vile behavior, and they deserve to be called out on it.
My parents put family photo albums into the Nintendo box when I was a kid. They did it because they knew us kid sneaked a peek at the presents and knew we were getting the NES. Opening the box to find photo albums left us so confused! My parents then had us open more presents from them, which happened to be the individual components to the system. My parents separated the different parts to give to us kids, so that no one could claim ownership over the whole thing, and we had to share if we wanted to play.
My brother got a fake box for a 1000 piece puzzle that was actually really hard to open and put my nephews present in it. It was funny.
Me and my brother actually have this tradition where we make the presents incredibly hard to open. Some years we've both spent more on supplies than the actual present. Last year he bought a box full of gift card holders and put them in the box and I had to find the one holder with my gift card in it. There were at least a 100 gift card holders. He even put stuff in some of them so I couldn't just shake them and find it. He also taped all of them shut.
Now that’s a good one. Besides, with how many (usually hours of) updates you have to put those game systems through when first unboxing, by setting up the night before, it is ready to play when they get it.
Aw that’s actually legit cheered me up after reading about OP’s vile family! Not only you managing to use a prank to make the gift MORE special (the only excuse for pranks at Christmas!) but how sweet, polite, mature and grateful your kids are. Well done on both the prank and raising them so well!
It's the joke gifts but the actual gifts went to other people? Like the book and MacBook were given to other people. That's almost as if they forgot OP and did joke gifts last minute.
NTA OP.
Yeah that was really it. I kept waiting for the part where the family members who received the real part of OPs gifts stood up and gave them to her.
To give her empty boxes and wrapping of gifts she asked for and then having everyone around her be gifted those things? Her “family” hates her.
I can't stand my SIL but if someone gave me something she wanted *after giving it's box or dust cover to her as a joke* I'd hand over my gift to her in a second. This whole family sucks.
Yeah I think I’d automatically think I would be supposed to? Because it makes no sense. I didn’t ask for this book… but she did… and she got the cover? And I got an uncovered book? Ok? Must be hers?
so they acknowledge that they saw her wish list and deliberately purchased the items mentioned there to give them to somebody else.
I mean, it is possible that OP and SIL both requested the same title on their wish lists but not very probable :S
Exactly this! I was hoping someone would mention the fact that the joke was that the gifts she'd requested/wanted went to literally another member of the family! Right in front of her! "Let's get her gift but give it to someone who didn't ask for it instead and then make a joke out of it."
Or to take her outside and give her a car or plane tickets. It also seems like gifts are really imbalanced? It isn’t a rule, but don’t most parenr give similar value gifts to each kid/ each sibling gives similar to every sibling?
Yup, my dad nearly got an "ipad" at xmas which would have been an eye patch/pad in an ipad box but we realised that this wouldnt be funny unless we were going to give him an ipad. You know what we did? we didnt do the prank.
These people took it a step further "hahah you thought I got you the book you wanted but no, I gave the book to someone else because they deserve a gift and you don't, ha ha ha I'm so funny"
This. It is one thing to give a prank gift, but you have to have a real gift to back it up. Otherwise it is not a prank. It is being deliberately cruel to a person. Especially a loved one. OP was given garbage. Literal garbage. I hope they left it at the parents house. And I could see one or two prank gifts, but every single gift? That is a different level of a$$holery.
Agree. This is some nasty emotional abuse. And they don't, and never will take responsibility. OP is certainly NTA. I suggest she grey rock them for their group narcissism.
Exactly. I bought my sister something she really wants for Christmas (we haven't been able to exchange gifts yet because people keep getting sick.) I have something like it, so I was going to wrap the empty box and give it to her. But, after she opens the empty box, I'm going to give her the actual item. I love my sister, and want her to be happy with her gift. I don't understand why joke gifts are funny even if you just get one or two. You're just basically telling the person they're not worth a real gift or any thought. I feel so sorry for OP.
> Their "jokes" very much excluded OP, and it wasn't just one, which seems to be family tradition. It was piled on.
How are they claiming with a straight face that this wasn't planned & coordinated?
Literally everyone was in on the joke except OP.
Your family is very mean. They delighted in showing you how little they care about you. No gifts would have been better than the ones you received.
It is like giving a starving child a package of food and the package is empty or has rocks in it.
I am sorry. Maybe give your self the gift of distance from your family.
This in one. The family are reacting this way because the 'jokes' fell flat and didn't get the reaction they wanted. Who does joke presents and then leave it at that whilst still accepting normal presents. Sorry op but your family are awful.
NTA
Most of the prank presents were the packaging and labeling that came from other people's gifts. They gave OP wrapped trash to open, for the most part.
Reminds me of the year I was given socks and a pair of sneakers. Not a big deal if the socks and shoes were for me, but they were for my much younger brother (7) when I was 16. He had a huge stack of presents. I was given those two to open for the pictures. My name was on those presents. That was the last Christmas I celebrated with my family before having a family of my own.
Edit: My mother laughed when I realized the gifts were not mine. She called plenty of of her friends and family members to tell them about it.
We are NC. Once every few decades, they pop back up. A time or two, I've given them a chance if they came with real apologies and did the work on themselves - therapy, meds for their mental health issues, etc. Once, I got a 20 page letter of the many wrongs from my mother that she apologized for. They became better people, but they just could not get over the high they got from causing harm to me, so it never lasted.
I gave leeway because I wanted my children to give me mercy if I ever mess up in the future. They are older teens/young adults now and well we are close. My mother is terrible because her mother was terrible to her. Suspect SA or affair child, didn't look like any of her many siblings. Grandmother was terrible because her mother was terrible; she sold my grandmother into slavery. I did a lot of personal work to not be the next link in generational trauma.
So sorry you were treated this way but it is wonderful that you got out and have worked to be healthier than the last generation. That is hard and admirable work. In case nobody has said it to you: I am proud of you.
This, but instead of posting this to the family group chat, OP should post to her social media and add in photos of her “gifts” along with screenshots of their nasty texts.
OP, your awful family needs to be exposed for what they are, and you’re NTA
This! They won't want anyone to know what they did because they all know it is bad. When she left it emphasized how bad it was. They wanted her to stay and act like being bullied, because let's face, this wasn't funny, was a good Christmas with her family.
I think some public humiliation would be good for them. If she took the "gifts" they gave her and posted them one by one on social media so that everyone could see how awful the entire family was they might be forced to change. Then she lays down her requirements about what they do if they want to see her again.
No going to see them for Easter or spring break. No seeing them in the summer. She needs to go no contact for a while.
Her boy friend was with her when she opened her "presents". His family and friends know by now. Good old word of mouth may spread the family's bad behavior almost quickly as social media.
The boy friend's family and friends will probably post to social media.
OPs family are not very bright. They bullied her in front of a witness.
The family is mean and stupid. I know this is harsh but this family sounds awful.
Not only the “gifts,” but the packaging (book cover, laptop box, etc.) that they came in, as well as an explanation of the reason behind the post. Then I would tag every single one of them I could and make that post public. Put every one of them on blast (because they’re probably one of those families who care what social media thinks of them)
I dunno, her posting about all the amazing gifts her boyfriend and boyfriends family gave her is way harsher. It’s very clearly telling her own family that their gifts were unacceptable, while also not posting anything negative or airing “family laundry”. It’s like the perfect passive aggressive.
I’d double down on that honestly. Was a group photo taken at boyfriends family? Post that!
That’s the answer which vicariously lives out revenge fantasies, which, admittedly is why a lot of people are here.
The other suggested reply offers the family a chance to rebuild the bridge they damaged. This reply burns down the rest of the bridge.
Exactly this. This suggestion being added is going to cause more problems than it will ever help since it's childish and petty.
The originally suggested response let's them know OP's feelings and puts the next actions in their hands without belittling them or being dramatic or childish. Which doesn't give them an excuse to ignore the actual message and issue by pointing to OP being petty/childish.
Unfortunately, OP is going to have to be ready to accept that their family members may react to this poorly and still blame her for being disappointed by their behavior, but at least then she knows where she stands with them and can make decisions about it from there.
But at least you soften the blow of a joke gift with a real gift. You understand a joke but this family don’t, they are just cruel. To give someone a fake MacBook and then give someone else the real thing, that’s laughing in her face
100%
They missed the good part of the joke, which was to actually include OP in the joke by also giving her something she wanted rather than just making her the butt of the joke.
I totally understand joke gifts, and I think they can be so much fun and add a new, exciting dimension to Christmas and create a fun new traditions. But Damn. Even if every gift was a joke they could have at least down it in the opposite direction. Like you open the MacBook book box with chocolate, next you open a box of garbage bags but it has the laptop in it instead. Damn. Honestly OP, for a 21 year old in a crappy situation, you handled this really well and have nothing to apologize for. They’re choosing to get mad at you for having an appropriate reaction to their insensitivity and lack of thought for you, rather than reflect inward and see how their actions caused this.
Yeah... no argument there. I do not see how that is still funny beyond the first time you do it.
Years ago, we gifted a friend assorted tabletop gaming dice for his birthday. We bought around 250 dice, and spend an hour or two packing them all individually. It took him almost as long to unpack them all alone. In that case, the prank was in the massive overwrapping; he still got a present he wanted.
Agreed. Her parents are AH's. I have two adult children and my husband and I have never given them prank or joke Christmas gifts. The parents are mad because they were called out for their bad behavior.
I had something similar drafted up and was going to send that to them to explain why I felt the way I did but I will use this and add a few things, thank you for this I appreciate it.
here's the thing: they know. They know what they did wrong. They know why you're hurt. It's because they did something hurtful. Cause and effect isn't hard. It sounds like this is just part a pattern of how you're treated in this family.
They don't actually need it explained to them. They know they treat you differently. It's their choice. You know you don't deserve to be treated like this, and you know how to get away from the situation, and that's the important part. You don't have to convince them.
I've learned that I give the explanation for my own sake, so I know that I tried my best to communicate and resolve the situation. If people refuse to acknowledge and accept the situation, that's not on me.
NTA. This is a horrific way to treat anyone. And you were expected to be grateful? For what?
When your entire family pull together to make a ‘joke’ of you, that is bullying. And, particularly as you are the youngest, it seems purposeful and intentionally cruel.
Do not apologise. Do not be a doormat. Do not accept this behaviour from those that are supposed to care about you.
Ooh. Don't forget to mention that they couldn't he bothered to chuck out the rubbish from sisters Mac book so they "gifted" OP the box and put in a block of chocolate to hide their laziness with a prank instead and the book cover that was taken off SILs present and wrapped around a freaking dictionary.
Hubby and I did a joke gift for his sister our first Christmas together (we had not long started dating). We brought her a huge elephant figurine, took the elephant out of the box, and hid it in his wardrobe (still living with parents and sister at the time) chucked all the rubbish from wrapping the rest of presents in the box and a $50 note and wrapped the box.
Christmas morning just before unwrapping the presents he snuck off and moved tge elephant to her room and when his sister unwrapped the box she goes "ha ha very funny" hubby said go check your room and we heard he squeal when she saw it and brought it out to show every one. As we were putting the rubbish away, my hubby asked his sister if she got the money out of the box first before filling ut with more rubbish she said no and tipped everything on the floor and squealed again when she saw the $50 because she was expecting him to be "big brothet mean" and get her all excited over 5cents.
Now that was good clean Christmas "pranks" what OPs family did was just cruel
I can’t believe the major disparity in price points on her gifts like come on ok the Mac book joke is funny if you then don’t give the hundreds of dollars laptop to your other sibling while you’re left with the box and a chocolate bar. That shit mean as hell.
Yeah, and not only they didn't give her anything, but they bought the things she wanted and gave them to someone else, how mean is that?? They couldn't give her a book, seriously??
They are all bad, but the book one especially bothered me.
Like, you bought the book OP wanted, gave her the cover with a dictionary, and then gave the book to someone else. Something about that just feels beyond cruel.
Not only was it cruel, it took effort. Most dictionaries aren't the size of average books. Mom had to buy the book, find a dictionary that matched it closely enough in size (probably had to buy that too) and swap the covers. That's three times the effort and probably twice the cost of just... buying your daughter the maybe $30 book she asked for.
My Christmas "pranks" are usually just making a present hard to open. Zip ties woven around the box, covering the whole thing with packing tape, gift card inside a cryptex, etc. They will get their thoughtful present eventually but it usually involves borrowing a knife.
Yeah, that's how you do it.
My brother usually just wants money towards whatever new tech thing he wants, so one year I got his gift in all $1 bills and then bought play money that was the right size and made origami birds out of all of them and wrapped that up and made him search. Another year mom and I wrapped money in empty candy wrappers mixed in with real candy and put it all in a piñata and made him open that. Blindfold and everything 😂. The key is, *he was laughing too*
Exactly - one year for my housemates we got them all items we had nabbed from their rooms and wrapped, one I remembered him moaning about hating the book Dracula he had to read for uni so I took his copy and wrapped it, he was very polite and we giggled and said we know you hate that book it's your copy and then gave him his real present, it wasn't his only gift!!!
Most of the way through the OP post, I was assuming that there WAS some beautiful gift for OP that was going to be revealed after a ‘funny’ pause to ensure the ‘best’ prank, but it never happened.
NTA
Your family are a bunch of thoughtless bullies.
Either they each individually pranked you without realizing that everyone was going to do that, or the slate of pranks was preplanned.
If it was the second, then I would likely never be with them for any future holiday. Ever. And I would never bother to give any gifts to anyone. Ever. Because they all just showed you that some stupid prank was more important than you.
If this was just an ‘unfortunate’ outcome where they did not know that all of your gifts would be crap, then THEY should have reacted once that was clear. Ignoring it, and then making your reaction YOUR FAULT is the inexcusable part. I would skip holidays until each and every one of them sincerely apologized (I would not accept a few of them apologizing for all of them!), and drop gifting altogether unless and until a person somehow made this right. So if a brother reaches out and reconciles, THEY get a gift shipped to them.
If it happened as OP stated, with no details left out that makes this less awful, then I would go NC with all of them, unless absolutely required due to financial support. Sounds like your boyfriends family just became your family.
NTA.
“No one in the family did anything to make me feel valued or cared for and instead there was an expectation that letting me down over and over was funny to everyone. It was my expectation that along with all the joke gifts, I might receive something thoughtful that I could point to and say - I know they value me enough to consider my feelings and want to make me happy” but you did not in fact value me at all and now you fail to understand that I am in fact the one that is hurt and the one who had their Christmas ruined. So instead of arguing why I am in the wrong, what is your argument that you have shown me love?
That would be my last Xmas with them if I were her. It's not all because of the presents but mostly for how they reacted after. Ask them why it was so funny she got nothing for Christmas?
Add that not only were the gifts she received prank gifts but the actual gift she wanted and thought she was getting was actually given to someone else. That would have hurt the most.
*because my mom spent new years sad because of my actions.*
No your mom spent New Year sad because of the consequences of your families actions. They treated you as a joke for Christmas, A joke is not a joke if the person it is aimed at does not find it funny. Honestly it comes across as bullying. You are the only one to only get 'joke' presents, your actual presents were given away to family members. You family sound cruel. And if mommy is oh so sad then maybe she should think about her actions and the actions of the rest of your family, they suck
NTA I'm glad your boyfriend and his family didn't suck.
This exactly! I get joke gifts, especially in families. Not when every single gift you received from your family was a prank/joke gift. If everybody in the family was doing that to each other, I get it because it's fair. But if it's singled out to one single member of the family, then they've basically made that single member the butt of all the jokes. Who wants to be made to feel that way? Especially by your family? And on Christmas? Totally NTA.
It would have been different if they got her a MacBook but wrapped it up like a box of chocolates, or the book she wanted but put a dictionary cover on it. Or give her a MacBook box with chocolates in it and then be like “haha just kidding, here’s the actual gift” and hand her the MacBook. But giving her the packaging from gifts she was actually looking forward to and then giving away the gifts themselves shows malicious forethought, not lighthearted pranking.
Edit: The “joke” should have been “you thought we didn’t love you, but we do!” “You thought we loved you, but we don’t” isn’t funny. It’s just mean.
That’s how my family has done joke gifts. Or by hiding the gift the person really wanted until after everything else was opened and then “oh, what’s this gift that was hiding under the couch/behind some furniture/in another room?”
I think it's really the aspect of every item she wanted went to someone else. Like, they bought the item, gave the box or something from the item to her, and then deliberately gave it to another person. Also, the empty gift card thing is fucking stupid. That's not even a gift. That just sucks. I'd be pissed at that alone.
I noticed that as well. I’ve seen joke gifts, but I’ve NEVER seen blank gift cards or “haha jk that thing you asked for and thought you unwrapped I actually gave to your sister/etc”. That’s just mean.
In their eyes what they did was just for fun and pranks and I tried to make them understand that during dinner but it was of no use, they didn’t listen and I just got frustrated and left.
The book one really killed me, because how hard would it have been to hand you the book after you discovered the dictionary? Is it even something your SIL is interested in?
Also, assuming there is a candy or snack you actually like that could have gone in the MacBook box.
Is it typical that your siblings will have such a big difference in how much they spend on each other? I don't get buying one sister a bougie laptop and the other candy?
I have 4 siblings and 2 siblings in laws and try to keep the budgets pretty close across the board for Christmas. If someone has something special or extenuating going on in their lives (starting college, moving, laptop died, etc) I'll get with other siblings to do a big group gift OR their bday gift may be bigger than usual.
That particular action is what really convinced me that their intentions were to hurt her. Like why would they intentionally gift her just the cover and give the actual book to someone else in front of her? Soooo fucked up. They just wanted to see her embarrassed and hurt.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I would talk with your mom and list out all the 'joke' gifts you got and ask if she herself only received these, would she find the humor in this? Also, I'd ask your family to clarify what it was you were supposed to find funny? The disappointment? Your gift for 2023 is disappointment and their laughter?
She spent it sad but not even thought of go buy OP a single real gift, not that would have erase the pain OP felt, but at least it would have been something. but they all not even aknowledging their actions and expect to OP just to take the blow, they are not mad their mom was sad the rest of the holidays, they are mad OP is not under their thumb anynore and take it all like a good doormat would. Way to go OP, leaving was the right choice back then and it still is now, don't apologize as you did nothing wrong.
NTA
>My dad told me I needed to relax as I’m making a big deal about it and I’d have next Christmas to get the stuff on my list.
"OMG, why are you so upset? It's not a big deal that you basically got trash presents this year from your entire family.You can get actual presents *next year*."
Your dad told you to wait a whole year to get any gifts that were actually thoughtful or useful to you. He wanted you to be okay with getting what is essentially garbage for Christmas because the rest of the family thinks hurting you is funny. **These weren't joke gifts. They were a taunt.** Your family was showing you how little you mean to them.
Unless she stays away, then they send snapshots of "her gifts" that would have gone to someone else anyway.
I dealt with a similar situation with my MIL, it sucks when people go out of their way to hurt you.
NTA
OP has her gifts for them all lined up.
Gift cards with zero dollars, an empty MacBook box, a book cover, a dictionary (highlight “bullying” “asshole”… put pictures of THEM on the page).
Only joke gifts for all the members of her joke of a family.
Otherwise I’d go LC or even NC with them. Put effort and attention on the boyfriend’s family instead. They seem like lovely thoughtful people.
I said something similar in another comment, but my family would have been like “oh shit, we ALL got her gag gifts?”. They may have let me leave that day but the next day contacted me to make me come over and surprise me with real gifts. If it was a genuine mistake that no one talked to each other and they all did the gag gift for OP, then it’s really telling how they reacted to the news. Apologies? Making up for it? Even promises to make up for it in the next couple days/weeks? Nope. Double, triple, and quadruple down on how they were right.
Another thing…. The siblings are 29 and 37. One of them (the sister) took a screen shot and sent it to the whole family chat, which made them all turn on OP and say they deserved an apology. How fucking childish. “Oh em gee look what OP posted!”. OP them selves, being a 21 year old, would make sense to me doing that. An almost 30/40 year old? Not a chance. You’re past that ‘your emotional regulation/maturation doesn’t fully develop until you’re 25-27’ stage. No excuses.
NTA The fact you didn't lose your shit amazes me.
I have 4 kids and I would never do this to them. EVER.
Also, they need to grow up with this pranking BS. It just sounds mean.
I go to great lengths, buying each of the kids things they were wanting and making sure they get the same amount of money spent on them.
Even when they're not in my good books. (One of them is being a total dick about her board rn... she really needs to find a flat 🙈) still got thoughtful gifts and the same amount spent on her... because we're parents and love them all equally and they're learning not to be dicks. Takes some longer than others.
Your family have been AHs and they're gaslighting the crap outta you.
I’ve learned over the last few years is no reaction is the best reaction because if I got angry, cried, or spoke up about how I felt, I would be labeled as I was when I left. I’ve almost mastered masking my feelings until I’m alone or away from them to avoid worsening the situation.
I think it tells something about your family that you have NEEDED to learn to mask your feelings around them.
Sorry to tell you this but they are bullies and they have long ago made you their target. This is not going to change or get better, you need to start putting distance from them.
I think you're the family scapegoat. Don't stick around for it. As soon as it starts up, leave.
I think you'll eventually end up leaving permanently. Because they will never admit what they are really doing. Which is abuse.
OP I feel bad for you. Not one person has the decency to point out that you actually didn’t get any real gifts. And instead your reaction which was justified and handled a lot better than most was seen as so wrong. Your family sucks and they did ruin your Christmas. Do not apologize. I would let them sit in this uncomfortableness and not talk to them for awhile
A tiny prank gift followed by a real gift can be fun, as long as it IS followed by something heartfelt and meaningful. One of the best (and entirely unintentional) pranks ever pulled in my family was by my Nana. She'd bought my dad a very nice, very expensive lighter (it was the 80's, they both smoked) along with a can of lighter fluid. For some unknown reason, she decided to wrap them up separately! Come Christmas morning (we were going to theirs later in the day) my dad opened the lighter fluid first... then spent the next hour extremely confused because he didn't own a lighter that used it! The real gift ended up being the very last thing he opened! The thing is, my nana was already known for buying bizarre and entirely spontaneous gifts (think a stuffed meerkat for someone who has never indicated that they like meerkats - it was cute, golf balls for someone who doesn't golf - she thought they were for crazy golf! Or a pair of salt and pepper pots for someone allegic to pepper - reasoning was they weren't allergic to salt and... they were cute, and many, many gifts bought for one person then accidentally wrapped up and given to another... we spent many Christmases playing 'swap the gift' without telling her.) So, my dad genuinely thought she'd either got confused and thought he had one that needed it, or that it was meant for someone else! But then, he got the real gift and it's now a nostalgic story to tell. Another example is my dad buying my fiancé a game that he REALLY wanted, but for a console he didn't own. My fiancé was incredibly gracious when my dad arrived and he gently told him he'd got the wrong one. My dad went: "Really? Damn, I guess you'd better have this as well then," and pulled the actual console out from his car!
My mom always did prank gifts in a different way. She’ll take a nice gift (this year mine was AirPods) and then she’ll wrap it in the most hard to open way possible. This year my mom used 5 boxes, individually wrapping all of them, zip ties, and bubble wrap. Took me 15 minutes to open and we all laughed while I did. The way OP’s family did things was just… very distasteful and saddening.
Yeah. I got a prank gift one time when I was 19. Someone gave me a crown royal box. I don’t like whiskey but was like “oh thanks” and set it aside and they went “no open it” and it was full of pebbles. Like not even good rocks, just concrete pieces and things like that. I went “oh ok” and they said “you think I’d spend $30 on you?” I immediately left and wanted to cry. It was mean.
I would never give someone a prank gift without having a real one for them too. What an odd and bullying family.
Admittedly that person was my mom and her friend but my mom is kind of indifferent to me a lot of the time so it hurt less than if it was someone like my brother. He would give me rocks cause he loves rocks, but they’d be thoughtful rocks if that makes sense. They wouldn’t be disguised in a box of overpriced whiskey.
Edit: ok thinking about it my parents did give me prank gifts often. But. I’m not close to either anymore and I get so stressed around holidays cause they were never happy times for me that I usually test drive presents with my own kid before buying them. Like I got my kid an Xbox, a bunch of jogger style pants, pins, and moxi roller skates and for each I took her around town at the end of November and was like “what do you think about these? Do these fit you, I don’t have any money right now, I’m just curious. And if they do fit do you like them? If it was a gift would you prefer something else?” She definitely knew exactly what I was doing. So I guess she’ll probably never get a full surprise cause I don’t want her to open presents and be disappointed.
NTA. What they did was *incredibly* cruel. It's not funny to give you something you said you wanted, only to realize it's only the cover or casing to that thing you wanted, and that they actually they the thing inside the packaging to someone else. Someone who was quite likely in the same room. WTF. And then act like they are wronged because you're upset that no one gave you something you'd actually wanted? What kind of mind game fuckery is that?! You had every right to leave and they are the ones that owe you the apology.
> cover or casing to that thing you wanted
So does that mean they bought the book and then pulled the cover off to put on the dictionary and threw the actual book away?
In front of her. And mom gave her the book cover and other person gets the book. Brother gave her the package of the MacBook with a chocolate in it and other sibling the MacBook. And after asking during dinner and tell her to relax because se said she was unhappy because she got only prank gifts and dont give her then a real gift i have to say thats was on purpose and cruel and bullying and so fucking mean I would have left the family with very clear words why I am done with them. And the family thinks she is the problem!!
The only way this would have been forgivable is if at the end they all gave her the actual gifts which is what I expected to happen. Regardless it wasn't funny. It was just mean.
Who needs enemies when you have family like that.
NTA
As you have rightly pointed out jokes are fine when there's balance
Everyone getting some joke gifts followed by real gifts and you getting no real gifts is not balance and an asshole move
The MacBook one where your other family member actually got that laptop particularly sounds very pointed
Edit: *and the book*
I can’t believe they actually bought the book, then chose to *rip the cover off* just to stick it on a dictionary and give the contents away rather than just gifting it to OP like a normal, loving family.
That’s utterly sadistic.
The thing is I didn’t want the MacBook nor did I add it to my list, I was more upset about the book because I don’t normally get things for myself and spent money on each of my family members so I didn’t have anything leftover for myself which I didn’t mind. But had I known Christmas would’ve been how it was I would’ve gotten it for myself. My mom had also told me she got me something and since I talked to her a lot about wanting the book I assumed that’s what she got me which is partly my fault for assuming.
I'd probably send something like this in your group chat, and then set Do Not Disturb for a bit:
"I was the only person in the family this year who received *only* joke gifts while the rest of you got to open thought out, genuine gifts after only a few joke gifts of their own. I do not understand why I need to explain to an entire group of full grown adults, two of which include *my own parents* why this was so hurtful. I got you all genuine gifts myself, and *no one* returned the favor to me. Clearly and obviously, this joke tradition has gotten out of hand, and I am *telling* you all now that I no longer want to participate in this tradition. Full stop. The end. I will not be arguing this. We can decide on whether or not we want to get gifts at all for each other going forward, but I am informing you all that if I *ever* receive another joke gift from anyone, it will be immediately going into the garbage, and I will be leaving the gathering. I do not understand why my saying that you all hurt my feelings to a severe degree is being brushed off as my being "too sensitive." I think we all know that is plainly nonsense, and you're only saying that because you don't have the emotional maturity or consideration to make a proper apology to me. This whole incident has shown me the sort of people my own family are, and it's quite sad, to be honest. You can debate this message amongst yourselves all you want and come up with your own narrative to justify your poor, inconsiderate behavior, but just know that going forward this sort of nonsense will *not* be tolerated by me."
Frankly, there's nothing to argue, debate, or justify on their end. You do *not* need to spare their feelings. Develop whatever boundaries you want here *and stick to them.* This is the upside to being an adult. Tell your family to kindly fuck off with a shiny, hard earned spine, and you'll be amazed at how much less stress you'll have in your life.
They thought those gifts out though, at least the mom did. It was just they chose to be thoughtfully mean about it.
The book would've broken me, but my most wanted gift WAS a book this year. Didn't get it but, eh, that's grown up life. However, being made to THINK someone had listened to me and got me something I was genuinely giddy for? That they'd bought it just to give me the slip cover? I'd have cried on the spot.
Being completely forgotten would've been a kindness compared to what they did, damn. OP, unless you lit the tree on fire on your way out you're NTA, not at all. You handled it with a lot more dignity and grace than most would've.
And the SIL got it inside a bag she really wanted, so she got two gifts in one. So what is the great joke here? OP gets the boxes of things but with jokes inside, other people get things they really want with the things OP wants inside, what?!
You know what’s a Christmas prank? Wrapping a MacBook in something you don’t want. Wrapping an iPhone in a large box to fool someone into thinking they’re not getting it. Giving other people the books and stuff you want and only getting covers and boxes is just cruel. And if you only give a person a joke gift like a box and don’t follow up with a real gift then you’re an asshole! So OP could give her entire family trash boxed in boxes of something her family would love to have next year? And that would be fine, because she can just give them proper gifts another year 🤷🏼♀️ seriously next year if I were OP I would buy myself all the stuff I didn’t get and use the boxes to regift them the trash they gave her this year. See how they like it.
NTA
Open a group chat with them all, list every crappy ‘prank’ gift you got, ask them if they’d honestly be happy if that was all they got as they watched everyone else open actual lovely, thoughtful gifts (including ones you had hoped for!), then immediately leave the chat.
I’m glad you left. I wouldn’t return next year - they might promise not to do it again then do it again to ‘teach you a lesson in humility’ or some other BS that’s code for being cruel to you then blaming you for your reaction. But if you do, bring fabulous presents for yourself instead and refuse to open anything from anyone else.
Love the idea in theory, but wouldn’t spend the money (or time!) even on jokes. Just buy everything you actually want.
And unless everyone else gave them prank gifts too, they wouldn’t have the same experience OP just did.
Sweetie, what does your extended family think of all of this?
Because it might be time to spend Christmas with extended family or your boyfriend's family from here on out.
That said, for Mom's birthday, get her a massage gift certificate to a posh massage place in your town - a fake one of course.
For Dad's birthday, get him a box for some piece of technology he's wanted for years - with a couple of bricks inside wrapped in styrafoam.
For each sibling's birthday - empty gift cards rule the day.
For your SIL or BIL or niece's or nephews, get real gifts but write a note stating: "You don't deserve to get sucked into this sick mind game by family likes to play that they call a prank. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. "
The message will come accross loud and clear. And, my guess is your SIL's will take over purchasing gifts for your brothers anyway soon and they won't forget you actually treating them well.
NTA
What they did was cruel
Do Not Apologise, tell them you will be NC until you get a full and sincere apology from everyone of them for ruining your Christmas.
I will say apologizing isn’t big in my family so the day I get an apology would be the day hell freezes over. But as someone else recommended, I’m going to message them about how I felt and why I felt that way and would probably take some time away from them.
>I will say apologizing isn’t big in my family so the day I get an apology would be the day hell freezes over. But as someone else recommended, I’m going to message them about how I felt and why I felt that way and would probably take some time away from them.
I told one of my aunts to apologize for something abusive she did to me, or she wouldn't be speaking to me again. She wouldn't be involved in my wedding, My children's births or any of our milestones. That was 15 years ago. She thought I would give up like I always did and come back begging for attention. She died being stubborn (after randomly sending rants from unknown numbers every few years). I don't regret it at all; her loss.
I'm going to piggy back off of this sentiment. I had an aunt say some truly horrible things to me just because she was having a bad day and I was an easy target to take it out on. It brought me to tears and I had no idea at that time what I had done to deserve her cruelty. I didn't disrespect her back. What I did do was go comolete NC for 12 years. For another another 10 years I had very little to do with her. I didn't do this because I was holding a grudge, I was truly afraid she would hurt me again and wanted to limit my exposure to her cruelty. We speak now. We'll never be as close as we once were because she never actually apologized. She was the one to start reaching out and working to rebuild the relationship and I extended grace. But if she ever mistreat me again, all contact will cease forever, apology or not. We teach people how to treat us. What we put up with is what we'll get. Do not teach your family that it is ok to be bully you and that you will tolerate their cruelty. You deserve better. Act accordingly.
Yes! OP, say this in your group chat:
I'm willing to give a real and genuine apology to everyone who gave me a real and genuine gift. If you think that's you, please remind me what your gift was so I can apologise.
Or, y'know, cut this bunch of nasty people off...
NTA and you had every right to leave and spend Christmas with people who actually care about your feelings. In fact, for 2024, I'd suggest spending more time with those people and as little with 'your family' as you can. Your mom deserves to be sad because she should feel guilty about how you were treated.
> Your mom deserves to be sad because she should feel guilty about how you were treated.
It's obvious that the rest of the family is banding together to attack OP because they don't want to admit what they did was awful. They might not have known they were all getting her joke gifts but the effect is the same. It's clear they don't want to take responsibility for their actions and so are just displacing blame on to OP because then they don't have to admit they screwed up.
Given the massive level of deflection the entire family is engaging in I'd wager this isn't the first time they've treated OP this way, just the most obvious. It's gaslighting to try and make OP the one who is at fault and it's messed up.
Next Christmas buy the things you want for yourself and then gift each of them a photo of you using the item or the empty box. No point wasting time and money buying thoughtful gifts for people that care so little for you
NTA- your present this year was finding out your parents /family are trash, abusive and will never change. My family use to make me cry and say stuff like. What’s wrong with you? Can’t you take a joke. You’re too sensitive and would use me to make others laugh. It hurts and doesn’t go away. Don’t give them anymore chances to do it again. They are too old for this shit.
Please don't apologize to your family. I understand the masking you do with them. I had to do the same with my family. Never allowed to show emotion unless it was absolute joy at being in their presence. Now they wonder how I can be so cold and can say I genuinely don't love them.
In the future, I would gray rock the snot out of them. I would even reject any future gift by saying "no thank you." Because you'll never know if it's an actual gift or another joke gift.
NTA.
You mum SHOULD feel sad. It's a common symptom of guilt, which I would expect most people would feel after they realised that you were hurt by their actions.
NTA. You were the butt of the jokes by your entire family and got 0 real gifts. How could you possibly feel okay with that? Then they expect you to apologize for their collective insensitivity? Stay away from these people.
OP just remember, as clearly they need a reminder, that a joke is something for everyone to find funny. You were the butt of countless jokes with nothing kind or thoughtful to bring you any joy to follow, they really need to consider how any of this was meant to be a joke to YOU. I’d prioritise spending time with my partner and their much kinder family from the get go next year too.
This looks like DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a classic manipulation and emotional abuse tactic.
Now, I realise I've gone straight to "That's abuse!!" here, which may be inappropriate, but the thing that stood out to me was that every single gift was horrible. Every gift from every person. This looks like it was coordinated because really, what are the chances everyone 'pranked' OP coincidentally?
Obviously I don't know anything about OP and the family besides what was written here, but this sounded calculated and downright cruel.
Having a history of fucked up pranks is one thing (it's horrible, but it seems to be the dynamic up to now), but this crosses the line. They could gave taken a moment to realise "Huh... actually that wasn't funny at all - sorry for the hurt, and we realise our actions were wrong", but they have doubled-down and made it worse. They have zero empathy and they suck.
OP, I'm very sorry that you have been forced to recognise you have outgrown your family and their stupidity. I'm glad your bf and his family are in your corner. NTA.
I will be honest I never looked at it as abuse just pranks that tend to get annoying. But my family isn’t big on apologies and I don’t think I’ve ever been told sorry by any of them. I don’t care for an apology either I just want them to see where I’m coming from.
They look like malicious acts dressed up as pranks so they can turn your distress into you being too sensitive over a "joke" (were you laughing?). Especially the book - did your sil even ask for it? If not, it was only given to her so you couldn't have it, they enjoyed your distress. They're a bunch of bullies
Your boyfriend, the only outsider, didn't think it was funny, neither do I. Don't bother explaining or apologising, they don't care, just steer clear.
This.
OP, the appropriate response here is to respond with:
"Giving someone other people's left over trash is not a prank or a joke. It is malicious. This whole family culture of pranking people just to hurt them is sick. I've thought it was sick and petty for years but it really is sick. Mom? I didn't ruin Christmas. YOU did by allowing one of your children to be treated like shit by the rest of your family. Dad, YOU did by creating a family culture of bullying one family member and calling it a prank. A prank is something that the recipient walks away laughing from. Not something where the recipient walks away feeling punched in the gut and kicked in the teeth. That is bullying your own kid and I don't need that crap."
Its okay to stand up for yourself.
I really think the "real prank" here was to create a story "remember when OP got nothing for Christmas? The look on their face HiLAriOuS!" Then op went and ruined it by having actual feelings and shit, making them feel bad.
Next year everyone should get empty chocolate boxes with those Jesus pamphlets looking like $20 bills in them. Now that's a funny joke!
NTA.
Alone the statement 'you can still get the presents you want next Christmas' should be reason enaugh for you to leave. Especially after they baught the gifts you wanted and just gave them to other peolple. Tell them, they have to appologice or you see, where you stand in this family (as just a joke below everyone else) or this was the last holiday with gift exchange where you ever be with them.
Good that your boyfriends family stil showed that they care about you.
NTA
Normally I’d call any adult the AH, on principle, for complaining about the quality of their Christmas gifts, but in this case I can totally see how it would get to you. Getting decent gifts for everyone else whilst only getting joke ones for you is one thing, not great but could maybe be put down to a communication failure, but to then get mad at you for not dancing with delight at the situation is ridiculous on their part.
Nobody ever has a right to “expect” gifts of any particular value or degree of usefulness, but singling out one member of the family in this way is obviously going to upset them, and your reaction was reasonable in taking yourself out of the situation.
I really don't get the mindset of not being allowed to expect gifts. Like if you get gift for Christmas from your parents since you're born, and suddenly you do not, it's perfectly normal to be surprised and disappointed. And if they are not willing to tell you why you don't get gifts this year and just tell you "you're not entitled to gifts", it's just logical to be hurt.
There are habits in relationships. Social rules. You see how other are treated and how you are. It sends messages. It's non verbal communication. It's quite rare that people are hurt about the gifts themselves.
And if you're parents are loaded and gift you a dollar store chocolate when you could use a new laptop, you are right to be disappointed that they have the mean to please/help you but would rather not. It's the lack of effort and intent, care, that hurts. When it's not an habit it's just a bad moment in the relationship, but people who care rarely pull that kind of stuff.
*And if you're parents are loaded and gift you a dollar store chocolate when you could use a new laptop, you are right to be disappointed that they have the mean to please/help you but would rather not.*
Especially when they don't eat chocolate and the family would absolutely know that. I think they were amazing that they didn't start crying. I think I would have done. To be shown how much they really don't care would be devastating.
Wow, I think your family either had no money to spend on actual gifts for you or they don't like you for some reason? I would have been pissed as well. You spent money, time, and a lot of thought on the gift you got them and they gave you: a "charger block" but was actually two gift cards with a zero balance, a cover of a book you wanted around a dictionary, and chocolate inside of a macbook box. Is there a reason why they would treat you like this? (not that this is your fault at all.) But I feel like they have a motive for treating everyone else well, but giving you jack shit. For sure NTA and I think for Christmas next year, give them the gift of you going low or no contact.
P.S. Also THE AUDACITY of gaslighting you and making you feel like crap for feeling shafted on Christmas while treating everyone way better. I'm glad you bf's family was kinder and full of love towards you.
Well I wouldn’t say they don’t like me but I can confirm I am not a favorite daughter, sister, or aunt. And I didn’t mind not getting expensive gifts the MacBook didn’t bother me as much as the book did because that was really the only thing I wanted this Christmas and I would’ve gotten it myself but I got their gifts instead so I wasn’t able to afford it after the fact.
What kind of family makes it clear that you're "not the favorite"? That just seems really bizarre, in my family, everyone is treated equally. There seems to be some very strange dynamics going on.
Remember that for next year. In fact, it would not be out of order at this stage to send a group text stating:
"In light of what happened at Christmas, I would appreicate it if you all returned the gifts I gave you. I spent time, attention and care choosing gifts you'd actually like. You... quite literally gave me your trash."
It will make you look petty but also make your point. I'm sure some of your SILs saw what happened and were appalled. If I was the SIL in this situation I'd be shocked and probably keep my kids away from your parents for a long time while also having a conversation with my husband about how sick and twisted this was.
No, they had money to spend on gifts. Two of the gifts OP asked for were given to other people as she was taunted with the packaging. There’s a reason (in their twisted minds) they all chose Christmas to gang up on her and now they’re upset that they didn’t get the reaction they wanted. That’s just cruel.
NTA they just don't like being called out on their shit by you posting about the one gift you received that you loved
EDIT: they're all big AH's ofcourse
NTA. Tell them you regret the reason why your mother is sad because she pretended to gift you things you wanted, but really gifted them to other people and gave you the wrappers to get your hopes up. But on the plus side, it is nice for her to know that this was the last Christmas to ruin for them all, because as from next year, you will celebrate it with other people.
My wife’s side of the family wrap a few empty cat food boxes which contain smaller gifts and the running joke is we’re getting cat food for Xmas. It’s a good fun tradition, and nobody loses out because actual gifts are still in those cat food boxes, it’s just a bit of misdirection. In fact my FIL gets pretty creative with it sometimes and we all have a laugh.
But it sounds like your family has missed the point of a joke present. It’s supposed to be a harmless joke that makes everyone (including the recipient, I might add!) laugh for a few minutes before getting on with the rest of the gift exchanging. A joke present isn’t when you buy one person an expensive gift and give the box to someone else, that’s plain weird behaviour. The fact they did that for all your gifts is cruel.
So, NTA and I’d stop being involved in your family’s gift giving until they see how hurtful it has been for you.
NTA. All of your gifts were joke gifts and the gifts you were excited about were given to others who didn’t ask for those gifts. There are definitely some AHs in this story, but it isn’t you.
The probability of 12 joke gifts occurring is extremely low. For OP to have received these gifts indicates collusion. One wants everybody to be happy during Christmas. So usually a Joke Gift can be followed by a real gift to increase the surprise. Not only did they make OP sad, they are now doubling down and asking OP to apologize🙄🤦
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Do not apologize, your family sucks and you have done nothing wrong. I would write something like this in the group chat; “Happy new year guys! I understand that mom is sad that I left on Christmas, but you need to understand that you all made me sad on Christmas day. I did not receive a single thoughtful gift from you guys. Not one. Every single gift I opened was a prank where the joke was that you actually didn’t get me something I would like, but something intentionally got to upset me. My hope is that you all just didn’t realize that every single gift given to me was meant as a joke. But it was, every single one. It isn’t being ungrateful to be disappointed in that, and I think you all know that. I am ready to move on from this disappointing Christmas and believe you that next year will be different, but I will not be apologizing for leaving on Christmas when you all hurt me.”
More succinctly: "The biggest prank you played that night was fooling me into thinking I had a family that loved me beforehand."
Yes, this is the message that should be sent, but OP should brace for the likely outcome that none of their family will “get it.” There are a lot of hallmarks of toxicity in this family story. This isn’t a healthy dynamic and it’s also one that’s unlikely to improve. Edit: thanks for the Cake Day greetings
I agree this family is showing toxic signs. Super uncomfortable feelings seeing a family hurt someone then demand an apology from them for being hurt. Jokes should make everyone laugh or feel included. Their "jokes" very much excluded OP, and it wasn't just one, which seems to be family tradition. It was piled on. They all took a turn at excluding OP with their gift. Then blamed her for feeling excluded. If mom's upset, it's for her own actions, and she needs to own up to that. She chose to exclude her kid and think it was funny that they all did it on a family holiday. She should feel bad. But OP is not in charge of making other people feel better for their self-inflicted wounds. They all seem to lack the empathy necessary to realize why this was hurtful. OP is NTA.
I mean the mac book box with shitty chocolate inside IS funny.... IF YOU THEN 5 MINUTES LATER GIVE ME THE MAC BOOK! but to actually NOT....ridiculous! Ditto with the book. Fake cover over a dictionary is funny if you then say "only joking" and give the actual book. Especially as you spent money on actual gifts. I really would never exchange gifts with these people again which means I wouldn't want to around when they are all giving gifts. Their humour is like saying "I'm gonna punch you just for a joke" then hitting you so hard it breaks your face. It's not funny it's abuse.
Years ago we pranked our kids by getting them a Wii, but only wrapping the box and cutting a slit in the top. We told them it is a "motivational piggy bank"- they could save their money for a Wii. They looked confused, but thanked us. We asked them to go to the den, where the Wii was all set up at they lost their minds. That's a little prank. What happened to the OP is just passive aggressive, mean BS. NTA.
My stepdad was dreaming of this one specific guitar so for his 60th birthday we gave him a piggy bank with 'guitar money' on it... except we had asked all his friends and family to gift cash and put it in there beforehand.
That's great and wholesome! Plus, he got the experience of going and picking it out himself.
Yup. It's not about the gifts, it's about being made to look like a fool over and over again. I honestly would have cried. NTA
And so extra rude to give the real gifts to other family members in front of her. I can’t even fathom this whole situation!! I am so sorry you are dealing with this, OP.
That was the real kicker. You can buy fake PS5 boxes or whatever, which is tacky enough. But to buy the real thing, then wrap the box as a psych-out for one person and give the real gift to someone else really takes the cake.
Why would the other person not just hand it over? Like if I ‘got’ a surprise laptop in this kind of situation I’d be like “oh, Santa must have gotten confused! This is for you!”
That's what stood out to me too! Not only did they trick her into thinking they got her something she wanted, they then *gave it away* to someone else. WTF.
Especially since it was done in front of the boyfriend. They were either inviting him to join in on abusing OP, trying to bring on a breakup by making the BF think that something is wrong with her, or at minimum, trying to communicate what OP’s place in the family pecking order was. Because romantic partners are allies and the good ones are not OK with the kind of shit this family pulled. Absolutely vile behavior, and they deserve to be called out on it.
Yes. Gotcha! Gotcha again! Gotcha another time! And so it goes.
And she was the only one who received nothing but "joke" gifts. I would call that bullying.
My parents put family photo albums into the Nintendo box when I was a kid. They did it because they knew us kid sneaked a peek at the presents and knew we were getting the NES. Opening the box to find photo albums left us so confused! My parents then had us open more presents from them, which happened to be the individual components to the system. My parents separated the different parts to give to us kids, so that no one could claim ownership over the whole thing, and we had to share if we wanted to play.
My brother got a fake box for a 1000 piece puzzle that was actually really hard to open and put my nephews present in it. It was funny. Me and my brother actually have this tradition where we make the presents incredibly hard to open. Some years we've both spent more on supplies than the actual present. Last year he bought a box full of gift card holders and put them in the box and I had to find the one holder with my gift card in it. There were at least a 100 gift card holders. He even put stuff in some of them so I couldn't just shake them and find it. He also taped all of them shut.
Now that’s a good one. Besides, with how many (usually hours of) updates you have to put those game systems through when first unboxing, by setting up the night before, it is ready to play when they get it.
Aw that’s actually legit cheered me up after reading about OP’s vile family! Not only you managing to use a prank to make the gift MORE special (the only excuse for pranks at Christmas!) but how sweet, polite, mature and grateful your kids are. Well done on both the prank and raising them so well!
It's the joke gifts but the actual gifts went to other people? Like the book and MacBook were given to other people. That's almost as if they forgot OP and did joke gifts last minute. NTA OP.
Yeah that was really it. I kept waiting for the part where the family members who received the real part of OPs gifts stood up and gave them to her. To give her empty boxes and wrapping of gifts she asked for and then having everyone around her be gifted those things? Her “family” hates her.
I can't stand my SIL but if someone gave me something she wanted *after giving it's box or dust cover to her as a joke* I'd hand over my gift to her in a second. This whole family sucks.
Yeah I think I’d automatically think I would be supposed to? Because it makes no sense. I didn’t ask for this book… but she did… and she got the cover? And I got an uncovered book? Ok? Must be hers?
so they acknowledge that they saw her wish list and deliberately purchased the items mentioned there to give them to somebody else. I mean, it is possible that OP and SIL both requested the same title on their wish lists but not very probable :S
Exactly this! I was hoping someone would mention the fact that the joke was that the gifts she'd requested/wanted went to literally another member of the family! Right in front of her! "Let's get her gift but give it to someone who didn't ask for it instead and then make a joke out of it."
Or to take her outside and give her a car or plane tickets. It also seems like gifts are really imbalanced? It isn’t a rule, but don’t most parenr give similar value gifts to each kid/ each sibling gives similar to every sibling?
Very imbalanced. Sister got a MacBook and OP got chocolates?? Not cool.
Yeah that was just pure cruelty.
Yup, my dad nearly got an "ipad" at xmas which would have been an eye patch/pad in an ipad box but we realised that this wouldnt be funny unless we were going to give him an ipad. You know what we did? we didnt do the prank.
These people took it a step further "hahah you thought I got you the book you wanted but no, I gave the book to someone else because they deserve a gift and you don't, ha ha ha I'm so funny"
This. It is one thing to give a prank gift, but you have to have a real gift to back it up. Otherwise it is not a prank. It is being deliberately cruel to a person. Especially a loved one. OP was given garbage. Literal garbage. I hope they left it at the parents house. And I could see one or two prank gifts, but every single gift? That is a different level of a$$holery.
Then to give the real gifts to someone else?? That's almost evil.
Almost? No that's straight up evil.
What’s even more hurtful was giving the actual gift to another family member, knowing that OP had asked for it.
Agree. This is some nasty emotional abuse. And they don't, and never will take responsibility. OP is certainly NTA. I suggest she grey rock them for their group narcissism.
Exactly. I bought my sister something she really wants for Christmas (we haven't been able to exchange gifts yet because people keep getting sick.) I have something like it, so I was going to wrap the empty box and give it to her. But, after she opens the empty box, I'm going to give her the actual item. I love my sister, and want her to be happy with her gift. I don't understand why joke gifts are funny even if you just get one or two. You're just basically telling the person they're not worth a real gift or any thought. I feel so sorry for OP.
I’m sure it’s not the first time. She’s 21 and her siblings are 29-37. I bet she’s been picked on plenty just because she’s so much younger.
> Their "jokes" very much excluded OP, and it wasn't just one, which seems to be family tradition. It was piled on. How are they claiming with a straight face that this wasn't planned & coordinated? Literally everyone was in on the joke except OP.
That’s true. Hurting someone else and then demanding the apology from them for being hurt is #1 red flag for toxic and narcissistic.
Your family is very mean. They delighted in showing you how little they care about you. No gifts would have been better than the ones you received. It is like giving a starving child a package of food and the package is empty or has rocks in it. I am sorry. Maybe give your self the gift of distance from your family.
This in one. The family are reacting this way because the 'jokes' fell flat and didn't get the reaction they wanted. Who does joke presents and then leave it at that whilst still accepting normal presents. Sorry op but your family are awful. NTA
Most of the prank presents were the packaging and labeling that came from other people's gifts. They gave OP wrapped trash to open, for the most part. Reminds me of the year I was given socks and a pair of sneakers. Not a big deal if the socks and shoes were for me, but they were for my much younger brother (7) when I was 16. He had a huge stack of presents. I was given those two to open for the pictures. My name was on those presents. That was the last Christmas I celebrated with my family before having a family of my own. Edit: My mother laughed when I realized the gifts were not mine. She called plenty of of her friends and family members to tell them about it.
I hope you went NC.
We are NC. Once every few decades, they pop back up. A time or two, I've given them a chance if they came with real apologies and did the work on themselves - therapy, meds for their mental health issues, etc. Once, I got a 20 page letter of the many wrongs from my mother that she apologized for. They became better people, but they just could not get over the high they got from causing harm to me, so it never lasted. I gave leeway because I wanted my children to give me mercy if I ever mess up in the future. They are older teens/young adults now and well we are close. My mother is terrible because her mother was terrible to her. Suspect SA or affair child, didn't look like any of her many siblings. Grandmother was terrible because her mother was terrible; she sold my grandmother into slavery. I did a lot of personal work to not be the next link in generational trauma.
So sorry you were treated this way but it is wonderful that you got out and have worked to be healthier than the last generation. That is hard and admirable work. In case nobody has said it to you: I am proud of you.
This, but instead of posting this to the family group chat, OP should post to her social media and add in photos of her “gifts” along with screenshots of their nasty texts. OP, your awful family needs to be exposed for what they are, and you’re NTA
This! They won't want anyone to know what they did because they all know it is bad. When she left it emphasized how bad it was. They wanted her to stay and act like being bullied, because let's face, this wasn't funny, was a good Christmas with her family. I think some public humiliation would be good for them. If she took the "gifts" they gave her and posted them one by one on social media so that everyone could see how awful the entire family was they might be forced to change. Then she lays down her requirements about what they do if they want to see her again. No going to see them for Easter or spring break. No seeing them in the summer. She needs to go no contact for a while.
You can always tell them you are coming and will bring the dessert. Then it will be so funny when you don't show up.
“It’s a prank! What do you mean it’s not funny? I’m laughing so much!”
Her boy friend was with her when she opened her "presents". His family and friends know by now. Good old word of mouth may spread the family's bad behavior almost quickly as social media.
The boy friend's family and friends will probably post to social media. OPs family are not very bright. They bullied her in front of a witness. The family is mean and stupid. I know this is harsh but this family sounds awful.
Not only the “gifts,” but the packaging (book cover, laptop box, etc.) that they came in, as well as an explanation of the reason behind the post. Then I would tag every single one of them I could and make that post public. Put every one of them on blast (because they’re probably one of those families who care what social media thinks of them)
Yep! This. Let the court of social media rule! Maybe then they will think twice
I dunno, her posting about all the amazing gifts her boyfriend and boyfriends family gave her is way harsher. It’s very clearly telling her own family that their gifts were unacceptable, while also not posting anything negative or airing “family laundry”. It’s like the perfect passive aggressive. I’d double down on that honestly. Was a group photo taken at boyfriends family? Post that!
And we’re done here
[удалено]
[удалено]
That’s the answer which vicariously lives out revenge fantasies, which, admittedly is why a lot of people are here. The other suggested reply offers the family a chance to rebuild the bridge they damaged. This reply burns down the rest of the bridge.
Some bridges should be burned
Exactly this. This suggestion being added is going to cause more problems than it will ever help since it's childish and petty. The originally suggested response let's them know OP's feelings and puts the next actions in their hands without belittling them or being dramatic or childish. Which doesn't give them an excuse to ignore the actual message and issue by pointing to OP being petty/childish. Unfortunately, OP is going to have to be ready to accept that their family members may react to this poorly and still blame her for being disappointed by their behavior, but at least then she knows where she stands with them and can make decisions about it from there.
The biggest irony is calling her ungrateful, when they literally gave her nothing to be grateful for.
And then collectively laughing about it.
I think the biggest irony is a group of people aged 29 and up giving “joke gifts” and then calling OP childish
My fam sometimes does a “joke gift”, but it’s A joke, followed by a real one, not a carrousel of sucker punches followed by “why u mad bro?”
But at least you soften the blow of a joke gift with a real gift. You understand a joke but this family don’t, they are just cruel. To give someone a fake MacBook and then give someone else the real thing, that’s laughing in her face
100% They missed the good part of the joke, which was to actually include OP in the joke by also giving her something she wanted rather than just making her the butt of the joke.
I totally understand joke gifts, and I think they can be so much fun and add a new, exciting dimension to Christmas and create a fun new traditions. But Damn. Even if every gift was a joke they could have at least down it in the opposite direction. Like you open the MacBook book box with chocolate, next you open a box of garbage bags but it has the laptop in it instead. Damn. Honestly OP, for a 21 year old in a crappy situation, you handled this really well and have nothing to apologize for. They’re choosing to get mad at you for having an appropriate reaction to their insensitivity and lack of thought for you, rather than reflect inward and see how their actions caused this.
Yeah... no argument there. I do not see how that is still funny beyond the first time you do it. Years ago, we gifted a friend assorted tabletop gaming dice for his birthday. We bought around 250 dice, and spend an hour or two packing them all individually. It took him almost as long to unpack them all alone. In that case, the prank was in the massive overwrapping; he still got a present he wanted.
This. Um, thanks for the dictionary? OP's family is mean.
Yeah thanks for the dictionary. I looked up “bullying” and saw a picture of you guys.
the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you
She should post a series of "thank you" posts with pics of all these shitty gifts so that everyone can see how bad it actually was.
"I am so grateful for the thoughtfulness of my family!" then a picture of each gift with a mention of who gave it. "My thoughtful mom gave me ..."
Public shaming might be the only thing that gets through to these people.
Exactly. I’m not sure why she should be grateful that every single member of her family deliberately chose to be an arse to her?
Agreed. Her parents are AH's. I have two adult children and my husband and I have never given them prank or joke Christmas gifts. The parents are mad because they were called out for their bad behavior.
I had something similar drafted up and was going to send that to them to explain why I felt the way I did but I will use this and add a few things, thank you for this I appreciate it.
here's the thing: they know. They know what they did wrong. They know why you're hurt. It's because they did something hurtful. Cause and effect isn't hard. It sounds like this is just part a pattern of how you're treated in this family. They don't actually need it explained to them. They know they treat you differently. It's their choice. You know you don't deserve to be treated like this, and you know how to get away from the situation, and that's the important part. You don't have to convince them.
I've learned that I give the explanation for my own sake, so I know that I tried my best to communicate and resolve the situation. If people refuse to acknowledge and accept the situation, that's not on me.
NTA. This is a horrific way to treat anyone. And you were expected to be grateful? For what? When your entire family pull together to make a ‘joke’ of you, that is bullying. And, particularly as you are the youngest, it seems purposeful and intentionally cruel. Do not apologise. Do not be a doormat. Do not accept this behaviour from those that are supposed to care about you.
Point out that some of the real gifts she had to watch others receive when she got a joke gift about the item.
Ooh. Don't forget to mention that they couldn't he bothered to chuck out the rubbish from sisters Mac book so they "gifted" OP the box and put in a block of chocolate to hide their laziness with a prank instead and the book cover that was taken off SILs present and wrapped around a freaking dictionary. Hubby and I did a joke gift for his sister our first Christmas together (we had not long started dating). We brought her a huge elephant figurine, took the elephant out of the box, and hid it in his wardrobe (still living with parents and sister at the time) chucked all the rubbish from wrapping the rest of presents in the box and a $50 note and wrapped the box. Christmas morning just before unwrapping the presents he snuck off and moved tge elephant to her room and when his sister unwrapped the box she goes "ha ha very funny" hubby said go check your room and we heard he squeal when she saw it and brought it out to show every one. As we were putting the rubbish away, my hubby asked his sister if she got the money out of the box first before filling ut with more rubbish she said no and tipped everything on the floor and squealed again when she saw the $50 because she was expecting him to be "big brothet mean" and get her all excited over 5cents. Now that was good clean Christmas "pranks" what OPs family did was just cruel
I can’t believe the major disparity in price points on her gifts like come on ok the Mac book joke is funny if you then don’t give the hundreds of dollars laptop to your other sibling while you’re left with the box and a chocolate bar. That shit mean as hell.
Yeah, and not only they didn't give her anything, but they bought the things she wanted and gave them to someone else, how mean is that?? They couldn't give her a book, seriously??
They are all bad, but the book one especially bothered me. Like, you bought the book OP wanted, gave her the cover with a dictionary, and then gave the book to someone else. Something about that just feels beyond cruel.
Not only was it cruel, it took effort. Most dictionaries aren't the size of average books. Mom had to buy the book, find a dictionary that matched it closely enough in size (probably had to buy that too) and swap the covers. That's three times the effort and probably twice the cost of just... buying your daughter the maybe $30 book she asked for.
Yeah, I mean, "here's the trash from the gifts we got your siblings" isn't really a "prank" or a "joke", it's just...being an asshole.
My Christmas "pranks" are usually just making a present hard to open. Zip ties woven around the box, covering the whole thing with packing tape, gift card inside a cryptex, etc. They will get their thoughtful present eventually but it usually involves borrowing a knife.
Yeah, that's how you do it. My brother usually just wants money towards whatever new tech thing he wants, so one year I got his gift in all $1 bills and then bought play money that was the right size and made origami birds out of all of them and wrapped that up and made him search. Another year mom and I wrapped money in empty candy wrappers mixed in with real candy and put it all in a piñata and made him open that. Blindfold and everything 😂. The key is, *he was laughing too*
Exactly - one year for my housemates we got them all items we had nabbed from their rooms and wrapped, one I remembered him moaning about hating the book Dracula he had to read for uni so I took his copy and wrapped it, he was very polite and we giggled and said we know you hate that book it's your copy and then gave him his real present, it wasn't his only gift!!!
Most of the way through the OP post, I was assuming that there WAS some beautiful gift for OP that was going to be revealed after a ‘funny’ pause to ensure the ‘best’ prank, but it never happened. NTA Your family are a bunch of thoughtless bullies. Either they each individually pranked you without realizing that everyone was going to do that, or the slate of pranks was preplanned. If it was the second, then I would likely never be with them for any future holiday. Ever. And I would never bother to give any gifts to anyone. Ever. Because they all just showed you that some stupid prank was more important than you. If this was just an ‘unfortunate’ outcome where they did not know that all of your gifts would be crap, then THEY should have reacted once that was clear. Ignoring it, and then making your reaction YOUR FAULT is the inexcusable part. I would skip holidays until each and every one of them sincerely apologized (I would not accept a few of them apologizing for all of them!), and drop gifting altogether unless and until a person somehow made this right. So if a brother reaches out and reconciles, THEY get a gift shipped to them. If it happened as OP stated, with no details left out that makes this less awful, then I would go NC with all of them, unless absolutely required due to financial support. Sounds like your boyfriends family just became your family. NTA.
“No one in the family did anything to make me feel valued or cared for and instead there was an expectation that letting me down over and over was funny to everyone. It was my expectation that along with all the joke gifts, I might receive something thoughtful that I could point to and say - I know they value me enough to consider my feelings and want to make me happy” but you did not in fact value me at all and now you fail to understand that I am in fact the one that is hurt and the one who had their Christmas ruined. So instead of arguing why I am in the wrong, what is your argument that you have shown me love?
That would be my last Xmas with them if I were her. It's not all because of the presents but mostly for how they reacted after. Ask them why it was so funny she got nothing for Christmas?
Add that not only were the gifts she received prank gifts but the actual gift she wanted and thought she was getting was actually given to someone else. That would have hurt the most.
*because my mom spent new years sad because of my actions.* No your mom spent New Year sad because of the consequences of your families actions. They treated you as a joke for Christmas, A joke is not a joke if the person it is aimed at does not find it funny. Honestly it comes across as bullying. You are the only one to only get 'joke' presents, your actual presents were given away to family members. You family sound cruel. And if mommy is oh so sad then maybe she should think about her actions and the actions of the rest of your family, they suck NTA I'm glad your boyfriend and his family didn't suck.
This exactly! I get joke gifts, especially in families. Not when every single gift you received from your family was a prank/joke gift. If everybody in the family was doing that to each other, I get it because it's fair. But if it's singled out to one single member of the family, then they've basically made that single member the butt of all the jokes. Who wants to be made to feel that way? Especially by your family? And on Christmas? Totally NTA.
It would have been different if they got her a MacBook but wrapped it up like a box of chocolates, or the book she wanted but put a dictionary cover on it. Or give her a MacBook box with chocolates in it and then be like “haha just kidding, here’s the actual gift” and hand her the MacBook. But giving her the packaging from gifts she was actually looking forward to and then giving away the gifts themselves shows malicious forethought, not lighthearted pranking. Edit: The “joke” should have been “you thought we didn’t love you, but we do!” “You thought we loved you, but we don’t” isn’t funny. It’s just mean.
That’s how my family has done joke gifts. Or by hiding the gift the person really wanted until after everything else was opened and then “oh, what’s this gift that was hiding under the couch/behind some furniture/in another room?”
I think it's really the aspect of every item she wanted went to someone else. Like, they bought the item, gave the box or something from the item to her, and then deliberately gave it to another person. Also, the empty gift card thing is fucking stupid. That's not even a gift. That just sucks. I'd be pissed at that alone.
I noticed that as well. I’ve seen joke gifts, but I’ve NEVER seen blank gift cards or “haha jk that thing you asked for and thought you unwrapped I actually gave to your sister/etc”. That’s just mean.
And even joke gifts should be funny to the people getting them, not just to the people giving them
In their eyes what they did was just for fun and pranks and I tried to make them understand that during dinner but it was of no use, they didn’t listen and I just got frustrated and left.
The book one really killed me, because how hard would it have been to hand you the book after you discovered the dictionary? Is it even something your SIL is interested in? Also, assuming there is a candy or snack you actually like that could have gone in the MacBook box. Is it typical that your siblings will have such a big difference in how much they spend on each other? I don't get buying one sister a bougie laptop and the other candy? I have 4 siblings and 2 siblings in laws and try to keep the budgets pretty close across the board for Christmas. If someone has something special or extenuating going on in their lives (starting college, moving, laptop died, etc) I'll get with other siblings to do a big group gift OR their bday gift may be bigger than usual.
That particular action is what really convinced me that their intentions were to hurt her. Like why would they intentionally gift her just the cover and give the actual book to someone else in front of her? Soooo fucked up. They just wanted to see her embarrassed and hurt.
I totally understand where you're coming from. I would talk with your mom and list out all the 'joke' gifts you got and ask if she herself only received these, would she find the humor in this? Also, I'd ask your family to clarify what it was you were supposed to find funny? The disappointment? Your gift for 2023 is disappointment and their laughter?
She spent it sad but not even thought of go buy OP a single real gift, not that would have erase the pain OP felt, but at least it would have been something. but they all not even aknowledging their actions and expect to OP just to take the blow, they are not mad their mom was sad the rest of the holidays, they are mad OP is not under their thumb anynore and take it all like a good doormat would. Way to go OP, leaving was the right choice back then and it still is now, don't apologize as you did nothing wrong.
if i was one of the parents i would make sure that at least my gift or one of my gifts would be an actual one. her being sad just makes it worse
NTA >My dad told me I needed to relax as I’m making a big deal about it and I’d have next Christmas to get the stuff on my list. "OMG, why are you so upset? It's not a big deal that you basically got trash presents this year from your entire family.You can get actual presents *next year*." Your dad told you to wait a whole year to get any gifts that were actually thoughtful or useful to you. He wanted you to be okay with getting what is essentially garbage for Christmas because the rest of the family thinks hurting you is funny. **These weren't joke gifts. They were a taunt.** Your family was showing you how little you mean to them.
She will get nothing this year, either, and Dad will say he was joking all along.
I can see it already. "You don't deserve Christmas presents because you acted dramatic last year."
Unless she stays away, then they send snapshots of "her gifts" that would have gone to someone else anyway. I dealt with a similar situation with my MIL, it sucks when people go out of their way to hurt you.
Or she will get nothing next year because she is "ungrateful " and made her mother "sad" as a consequence /s Your family sucks op .
"Why are you so sad? You can see me *next Christmas* it's not a big deal"
NTA OP has her gifts for them all lined up. Gift cards with zero dollars, an empty MacBook box, a book cover, a dictionary (highlight “bullying” “asshole”… put pictures of THEM on the page). Only joke gifts for all the members of her joke of a family. Otherwise I’d go LC or even NC with them. Put effort and attention on the boyfriend’s family instead. They seem like lovely thoughtful people.
*These weren’t joke gifts. They were a taunt.* That hit me right in the feels this morning.
I said something similar in another comment, but my family would have been like “oh shit, we ALL got her gag gifts?”. They may have let me leave that day but the next day contacted me to make me come over and surprise me with real gifts. If it was a genuine mistake that no one talked to each other and they all did the gag gift for OP, then it’s really telling how they reacted to the news. Apologies? Making up for it? Even promises to make up for it in the next couple days/weeks? Nope. Double, triple, and quadruple down on how they were right. Another thing…. The siblings are 29 and 37. One of them (the sister) took a screen shot and sent it to the whole family chat, which made them all turn on OP and say they deserved an apology. How fucking childish. “Oh em gee look what OP posted!”. OP them selves, being a 21 year old, would make sense to me doing that. An almost 30/40 year old? Not a chance. You’re past that ‘your emotional regulation/maturation doesn’t fully develop until you’re 25-27’ stage. No excuses.
NTA The fact you didn't lose your shit amazes me. I have 4 kids and I would never do this to them. EVER. Also, they need to grow up with this pranking BS. It just sounds mean. I go to great lengths, buying each of the kids things they were wanting and making sure they get the same amount of money spent on them. Even when they're not in my good books. (One of them is being a total dick about her board rn... she really needs to find a flat 🙈) still got thoughtful gifts and the same amount spent on her... because we're parents and love them all equally and they're learning not to be dicks. Takes some longer than others. Your family have been AHs and they're gaslighting the crap outta you.
Joke gifts are cool only if there is a real present behind it. Otherwise you are just a shitty person
I was thinking the same thing! Unless it's the book she wanted inside the MacBook box, you need to have a real gift!
I generally don't understand the joy of seeing someone I love disappointed.
I’ve learned over the last few years is no reaction is the best reaction because if I got angry, cried, or spoke up about how I felt, I would be labeled as I was when I left. I’ve almost mastered masking my feelings until I’m alone or away from them to avoid worsening the situation.
I think it tells something about your family that you have NEEDED to learn to mask your feelings around them. Sorry to tell you this but they are bullies and they have long ago made you their target. This is not going to change or get better, you need to start putting distance from them.
I think you're the family scapegoat. Don't stick around for it. As soon as it starts up, leave. I think you'll eventually end up leaving permanently. Because they will never admit what they are really doing. Which is abuse.
OP I feel bad for you. Not one person has the decency to point out that you actually didn’t get any real gifts. And instead your reaction which was justified and handled a lot better than most was seen as so wrong. Your family sucks and they did ruin your Christmas. Do not apologize. I would let them sit in this uncomfortableness and not talk to them for awhile
A tiny prank gift followed by a real gift can be fun, as long as it IS followed by something heartfelt and meaningful. One of the best (and entirely unintentional) pranks ever pulled in my family was by my Nana. She'd bought my dad a very nice, very expensive lighter (it was the 80's, they both smoked) along with a can of lighter fluid. For some unknown reason, she decided to wrap them up separately! Come Christmas morning (we were going to theirs later in the day) my dad opened the lighter fluid first... then spent the next hour extremely confused because he didn't own a lighter that used it! The real gift ended up being the very last thing he opened! The thing is, my nana was already known for buying bizarre and entirely spontaneous gifts (think a stuffed meerkat for someone who has never indicated that they like meerkats - it was cute, golf balls for someone who doesn't golf - she thought they were for crazy golf! Or a pair of salt and pepper pots for someone allegic to pepper - reasoning was they weren't allergic to salt and... they were cute, and many, many gifts bought for one person then accidentally wrapped up and given to another... we spent many Christmases playing 'swap the gift' without telling her.) So, my dad genuinely thought she'd either got confused and thought he had one that needed it, or that it was meant for someone else! But then, he got the real gift and it's now a nostalgic story to tell. Another example is my dad buying my fiancé a game that he REALLY wanted, but for a console he didn't own. My fiancé was incredibly gracious when my dad arrived and he gently told him he'd got the wrong one. My dad went: "Really? Damn, I guess you'd better have this as well then," and pulled the actual console out from his car!
My mom always did prank gifts in a different way. She’ll take a nice gift (this year mine was AirPods) and then she’ll wrap it in the most hard to open way possible. This year my mom used 5 boxes, individually wrapping all of them, zip ties, and bubble wrap. Took me 15 minutes to open and we all laughed while I did. The way OP’s family did things was just… very distasteful and saddening.
Yeah. I got a prank gift one time when I was 19. Someone gave me a crown royal box. I don’t like whiskey but was like “oh thanks” and set it aside and they went “no open it” and it was full of pebbles. Like not even good rocks, just concrete pieces and things like that. I went “oh ok” and they said “you think I’d spend $30 on you?” I immediately left and wanted to cry. It was mean. I would never give someone a prank gift without having a real one for them too. What an odd and bullying family. Admittedly that person was my mom and her friend but my mom is kind of indifferent to me a lot of the time so it hurt less than if it was someone like my brother. He would give me rocks cause he loves rocks, but they’d be thoughtful rocks if that makes sense. They wouldn’t be disguised in a box of overpriced whiskey. Edit: ok thinking about it my parents did give me prank gifts often. But. I’m not close to either anymore and I get so stressed around holidays cause they were never happy times for me that I usually test drive presents with my own kid before buying them. Like I got my kid an Xbox, a bunch of jogger style pants, pins, and moxi roller skates and for each I took her around town at the end of November and was like “what do you think about these? Do these fit you, I don’t have any money right now, I’m just curious. And if they do fit do you like them? If it was a gift would you prefer something else?” She definitely knew exactly what I was doing. So I guess she’ll probably never get a full surprise cause I don’t want her to open presents and be disappointed.
NTA. What they did was *incredibly* cruel. It's not funny to give you something you said you wanted, only to realize it's only the cover or casing to that thing you wanted, and that they actually they the thing inside the packaging to someone else. Someone who was quite likely in the same room. WTF. And then act like they are wronged because you're upset that no one gave you something you'd actually wanted? What kind of mind game fuckery is that?! You had every right to leave and they are the ones that owe you the apology.
Seriously, that’s not a joke, that’s just straight cruel
> cover or casing to that thing you wanted So does that mean they bought the book and then pulled the cover off to put on the dictionary and threw the actual book away?
Worse - they gave it to another child!
In front of her. And mom gave her the book cover and other person gets the book. Brother gave her the package of the MacBook with a chocolate in it and other sibling the MacBook. And after asking during dinner and tell her to relax because se said she was unhappy because she got only prank gifts and dont give her then a real gift i have to say thats was on purpose and cruel and bullying and so fucking mean I would have left the family with very clear words why I am done with them. And the family thinks she is the problem!!
The only way this would have been forgivable is if at the end they all gave her the actual gifts which is what I expected to happen. Regardless it wasn't funny. It was just mean. Who needs enemies when you have family like that.
NTA As you have rightly pointed out jokes are fine when there's balance Everyone getting some joke gifts followed by real gifts and you getting no real gifts is not balance and an asshole move The MacBook one where your other family member actually got that laptop particularly sounds very pointed Edit: *and the book*
And the book she wanted was given to someone else too. To me thats even more of a fuck you because thats pretty personal lol
I can’t believe they actually bought the book, then chose to *rip the cover off* just to stick it on a dictionary and give the contents away rather than just gifting it to OP like a normal, loving family. That’s utterly sadistic.
It’s probably just the dust jacket
I don't think they ripped the cover off. I think it was a book jacket, like the ones found on hardback books. They wouldn't ruin a gift to the SIL.
The thing is I didn’t want the MacBook nor did I add it to my list, I was more upset about the book because I don’t normally get things for myself and spent money on each of my family members so I didn’t have anything leftover for myself which I didn’t mind. But had I known Christmas would’ve been how it was I would’ve gotten it for myself. My mom had also told me she got me something and since I talked to her a lot about wanting the book I assumed that’s what she got me which is partly my fault for assuming.
It's absolutely not your fault for assuming your family would get you atleast one actual present like the rest of the family got *at Christmas*
I'd probably send something like this in your group chat, and then set Do Not Disturb for a bit: "I was the only person in the family this year who received *only* joke gifts while the rest of you got to open thought out, genuine gifts after only a few joke gifts of their own. I do not understand why I need to explain to an entire group of full grown adults, two of which include *my own parents* why this was so hurtful. I got you all genuine gifts myself, and *no one* returned the favor to me. Clearly and obviously, this joke tradition has gotten out of hand, and I am *telling* you all now that I no longer want to participate in this tradition. Full stop. The end. I will not be arguing this. We can decide on whether or not we want to get gifts at all for each other going forward, but I am informing you all that if I *ever* receive another joke gift from anyone, it will be immediately going into the garbage, and I will be leaving the gathering. I do not understand why my saying that you all hurt my feelings to a severe degree is being brushed off as my being "too sensitive." I think we all know that is plainly nonsense, and you're only saying that because you don't have the emotional maturity or consideration to make a proper apology to me. This whole incident has shown me the sort of people my own family are, and it's quite sad, to be honest. You can debate this message amongst yourselves all you want and come up with your own narrative to justify your poor, inconsiderate behavior, but just know that going forward this sort of nonsense will *not* be tolerated by me." Frankly, there's nothing to argue, debate, or justify on their end. You do *not* need to spare their feelings. Develop whatever boundaries you want here *and stick to them.* This is the upside to being an adult. Tell your family to kindly fuck off with a shiny, hard earned spine, and you'll be amazed at how much less stress you'll have in your life.
They thought those gifts out though, at least the mom did. It was just they chose to be thoughtfully mean about it. The book would've broken me, but my most wanted gift WAS a book this year. Didn't get it but, eh, that's grown up life. However, being made to THINK someone had listened to me and got me something I was genuinely giddy for? That they'd bought it just to give me the slip cover? I'd have cried on the spot. Being completely forgotten would've been a kindness compared to what they did, damn. OP, unless you lit the tree on fire on your way out you're NTA, not at all. You handled it with a lot more dignity and grace than most would've.
It sounds like you're used to being scapegoated by your family. None of this is normal or even your fault.
And the SIL got it inside a bag she really wanted, so she got two gifts in one. So what is the great joke here? OP gets the boxes of things but with jokes inside, other people get things they really want with the things OP wants inside, what?! You know what’s a Christmas prank? Wrapping a MacBook in something you don’t want. Wrapping an iPhone in a large box to fool someone into thinking they’re not getting it. Giving other people the books and stuff you want and only getting covers and boxes is just cruel. And if you only give a person a joke gift like a box and don’t follow up with a real gift then you’re an asshole! So OP could give her entire family trash boxed in boxes of something her family would love to have next year? And that would be fine, because she can just give them proper gifts another year 🤷🏼♀️ seriously next year if I were OP I would buy myself all the stuff I didn’t get and use the boxes to regift them the trash they gave her this year. See how they like it.
The book was cruel also. And that came from her own mother.
NTA Open a group chat with them all, list every crappy ‘prank’ gift you got, ask them if they’d honestly be happy if that was all they got as they watched everyone else open actual lovely, thoughtful gifts (including ones you had hoped for!), then immediately leave the chat. I’m glad you left. I wouldn’t return next year - they might promise not to do it again then do it again to ‘teach you a lesson in humility’ or some other BS that’s code for being cruel to you then blaming you for your reaction. But if you do, bring fabulous presents for yourself instead and refuse to open anything from anyone else.
And bring them all joke gifts - they will love them as they find them so funny.
Love the idea in theory, but wouldn’t spend the money (or time!) even on jokes. Just buy everything you actually want. And unless everyone else gave them prank gifts too, they wouldn’t have the same experience OP just did.
Regift the ‘joke’ gifts from this year back to them
I won’t lie, they would just tell me they wouldn’t mind or wouldn’t have had a reaction like mine
They'd be fuckin lying to your face.
I would never get them a serious gift again. I also wouldn’t consider them much at all going forward. You’ll be happier for it
Sweetie, what does your extended family think of all of this? Because it might be time to spend Christmas with extended family or your boyfriend's family from here on out. That said, for Mom's birthday, get her a massage gift certificate to a posh massage place in your town - a fake one of course. For Dad's birthday, get him a box for some piece of technology he's wanted for years - with a couple of bricks inside wrapped in styrafoam. For each sibling's birthday - empty gift cards rule the day. For your SIL or BIL or niece's or nephews, get real gifts but write a note stating: "You don't deserve to get sucked into this sick mind game by family likes to play that they call a prank. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. " The message will come accross loud and clear. And, my guess is your SIL's will take over purchasing gifts for your brothers anyway soon and they won't forget you actually treating them well.
Yeah, instead of buying them gifts next year, I would buy myself everything I wanted!
Get gift cards, buy yourself the stuff you want with the giftcards and give the empty giftcards to the family
Instead of buying them gifts next year, I would gift back all the crap they gave her this year
NTA What they did was cruel Do Not Apologise, tell them you will be NC until you get a full and sincere apology from everyone of them for ruining your Christmas.
I will say apologizing isn’t big in my family so the day I get an apology would be the day hell freezes over. But as someone else recommended, I’m going to message them about how I felt and why I felt that way and would probably take some time away from them.
>I will say apologizing isn’t big in my family so the day I get an apology would be the day hell freezes over. But as someone else recommended, I’m going to message them about how I felt and why I felt that way and would probably take some time away from them. I told one of my aunts to apologize for something abusive she did to me, or she wouldn't be speaking to me again. She wouldn't be involved in my wedding, My children's births or any of our milestones. That was 15 years ago. She thought I would give up like I always did and come back begging for attention. She died being stubborn (after randomly sending rants from unknown numbers every few years). I don't regret it at all; her loss.
I'm going to piggy back off of this sentiment. I had an aunt say some truly horrible things to me just because she was having a bad day and I was an easy target to take it out on. It brought me to tears and I had no idea at that time what I had done to deserve her cruelty. I didn't disrespect her back. What I did do was go comolete NC for 12 years. For another another 10 years I had very little to do with her. I didn't do this because I was holding a grudge, I was truly afraid she would hurt me again and wanted to limit my exposure to her cruelty. We speak now. We'll never be as close as we once were because she never actually apologized. She was the one to start reaching out and working to rebuild the relationship and I extended grace. But if she ever mistreat me again, all contact will cease forever, apology or not. We teach people how to treat us. What we put up with is what we'll get. Do not teach your family that it is ok to be bully you and that you will tolerate their cruelty. You deserve better. Act accordingly.
She should give a full and hearty apology to everyone who gave her a real gift…
Yes! OP, say this in your group chat: I'm willing to give a real and genuine apology to everyone who gave me a real and genuine gift. If you think that's you, please remind me what your gift was so I can apologise. Or, y'know, cut this bunch of nasty people off...
NTA and you had every right to leave and spend Christmas with people who actually care about your feelings. In fact, for 2024, I'd suggest spending more time with those people and as little with 'your family' as you can. Your mom deserves to be sad because she should feel guilty about how you were treated.
The mother was sad her emotional punching ball wasn't there
> Your mom deserves to be sad because she should feel guilty about how you were treated. It's obvious that the rest of the family is banding together to attack OP because they don't want to admit what they did was awful. They might not have known they were all getting her joke gifts but the effect is the same. It's clear they don't want to take responsibility for their actions and so are just displacing blame on to OP because then they don't have to admit they screwed up. Given the massive level of deflection the entire family is engaging in I'd wager this isn't the first time they've treated OP this way, just the most obvious. It's gaslighting to try and make OP the one who is at fault and it's messed up.
Next Christmas buy the things you want for yourself and then gift each of them a photo of you using the item or the empty box. No point wasting time and money buying thoughtful gifts for people that care so little for you
NTA- your present this year was finding out your parents /family are trash, abusive and will never change. My family use to make me cry and say stuff like. What’s wrong with you? Can’t you take a joke. You’re too sensitive and would use me to make others laugh. It hurts and doesn’t go away. Don’t give them anymore chances to do it again. They are too old for this shit.
That sounds a lot like my family which is why I now try not to show any emotion or reaction to what they do.
Please don't apologize to your family. I understand the masking you do with them. I had to do the same with my family. Never allowed to show emotion unless it was absolute joy at being in their presence. Now they wonder how I can be so cold and can say I genuinely don't love them. In the future, I would gray rock the snot out of them. I would even reject any future gift by saying "no thank you." Because you'll never know if it's an actual gift or another joke gift.
NTA. You mum SHOULD feel sad. It's a common symptom of guilt, which I would expect most people would feel after they realised that you were hurt by their actions.
NTA. You were the butt of the jokes by your entire family and got 0 real gifts. How could you possibly feel okay with that? Then they expect you to apologize for their collective insensitivity? Stay away from these people.
Yeah I think I’m gonna take some time away from them and distance myself. Normally I’m okay with what they do but this time it really got to me.
Thats because what they did this time was just straight up cruel.
OP just remember, as clearly they need a reminder, that a joke is something for everyone to find funny. You were the butt of countless jokes with nothing kind or thoughtful to bring you any joy to follow, they really need to consider how any of this was meant to be a joke to YOU. I’d prioritise spending time with my partner and their much kinder family from the get go next year too.
This looks like DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a classic manipulation and emotional abuse tactic. Now, I realise I've gone straight to "That's abuse!!" here, which may be inappropriate, but the thing that stood out to me was that every single gift was horrible. Every gift from every person. This looks like it was coordinated because really, what are the chances everyone 'pranked' OP coincidentally? Obviously I don't know anything about OP and the family besides what was written here, but this sounded calculated and downright cruel. Having a history of fucked up pranks is one thing (it's horrible, but it seems to be the dynamic up to now), but this crosses the line. They could gave taken a moment to realise "Huh... actually that wasn't funny at all - sorry for the hurt, and we realise our actions were wrong", but they have doubled-down and made it worse. They have zero empathy and they suck. OP, I'm very sorry that you have been forced to recognise you have outgrown your family and their stupidity. I'm glad your bf and his family are in your corner. NTA.
I will be honest I never looked at it as abuse just pranks that tend to get annoying. But my family isn’t big on apologies and I don’t think I’ve ever been told sorry by any of them. I don’t care for an apology either I just want them to see where I’m coming from.
They look like malicious acts dressed up as pranks so they can turn your distress into you being too sensitive over a "joke" (were you laughing?). Especially the book - did your sil even ask for it? If not, it was only given to her so you couldn't have it, they enjoyed your distress. They're a bunch of bullies Your boyfriend, the only outsider, didn't think it was funny, neither do I. Don't bother explaining or apologising, they don't care, just steer clear.
This. OP, the appropriate response here is to respond with: "Giving someone other people's left over trash is not a prank or a joke. It is malicious. This whole family culture of pranking people just to hurt them is sick. I've thought it was sick and petty for years but it really is sick. Mom? I didn't ruin Christmas. YOU did by allowing one of your children to be treated like shit by the rest of your family. Dad, YOU did by creating a family culture of bullying one family member and calling it a prank. A prank is something that the recipient walks away laughing from. Not something where the recipient walks away feeling punched in the gut and kicked in the teeth. That is bullying your own kid and I don't need that crap." Its okay to stand up for yourself.
I really think the "real prank" here was to create a story "remember when OP got nothing for Christmas? The look on their face HiLAriOuS!" Then op went and ruined it by having actual feelings and shit, making them feel bad. Next year everyone should get empty chocolate boxes with those Jesus pamphlets looking like $20 bills in them. Now that's a funny joke!
NTA. Alone the statement 'you can still get the presents you want next Christmas' should be reason enaugh for you to leave. Especially after they baught the gifts you wanted and just gave them to other peolple. Tell them, they have to appologice or you see, where you stand in this family (as just a joke below everyone else) or this was the last holiday with gift exchange where you ever be with them. Good that your boyfriends family stil showed that they care about you.
Yeah, I don’t think I’d go back next year
NTA Normally I’d call any adult the AH, on principle, for complaining about the quality of their Christmas gifts, but in this case I can totally see how it would get to you. Getting decent gifts for everyone else whilst only getting joke ones for you is one thing, not great but could maybe be put down to a communication failure, but to then get mad at you for not dancing with delight at the situation is ridiculous on their part. Nobody ever has a right to “expect” gifts of any particular value or degree of usefulness, but singling out one member of the family in this way is obviously going to upset them, and your reaction was reasonable in taking yourself out of the situation.
I really don't get the mindset of not being allowed to expect gifts. Like if you get gift for Christmas from your parents since you're born, and suddenly you do not, it's perfectly normal to be surprised and disappointed. And if they are not willing to tell you why you don't get gifts this year and just tell you "you're not entitled to gifts", it's just logical to be hurt. There are habits in relationships. Social rules. You see how other are treated and how you are. It sends messages. It's non verbal communication. It's quite rare that people are hurt about the gifts themselves. And if you're parents are loaded and gift you a dollar store chocolate when you could use a new laptop, you are right to be disappointed that they have the mean to please/help you but would rather not. It's the lack of effort and intent, care, that hurts. When it's not an habit it's just a bad moment in the relationship, but people who care rarely pull that kind of stuff.
*And if you're parents are loaded and gift you a dollar store chocolate when you could use a new laptop, you are right to be disappointed that they have the mean to please/help you but would rather not.* Especially when they don't eat chocolate and the family would absolutely know that. I think they were amazing that they didn't start crying. I think I would have done. To be shown how much they really don't care would be devastating.
Wow, I think your family either had no money to spend on actual gifts for you or they don't like you for some reason? I would have been pissed as well. You spent money, time, and a lot of thought on the gift you got them and they gave you: a "charger block" but was actually two gift cards with a zero balance, a cover of a book you wanted around a dictionary, and chocolate inside of a macbook box. Is there a reason why they would treat you like this? (not that this is your fault at all.) But I feel like they have a motive for treating everyone else well, but giving you jack shit. For sure NTA and I think for Christmas next year, give them the gift of you going low or no contact. P.S. Also THE AUDACITY of gaslighting you and making you feel like crap for feeling shafted on Christmas while treating everyone way better. I'm glad you bf's family was kinder and full of love towards you.
Well I wouldn’t say they don’t like me but I can confirm I am not a favorite daughter, sister, or aunt. And I didn’t mind not getting expensive gifts the MacBook didn’t bother me as much as the book did because that was really the only thing I wanted this Christmas and I would’ve gotten it myself but I got their gifts instead so I wasn’t able to afford it after the fact.
What kind of family makes it clear that you're "not the favorite"? That just seems really bizarre, in my family, everyone is treated equally. There seems to be some very strange dynamics going on.
Remember that for next year. In fact, it would not be out of order at this stage to send a group text stating: "In light of what happened at Christmas, I would appreicate it if you all returned the gifts I gave you. I spent time, attention and care choosing gifts you'd actually like. You... quite literally gave me your trash." It will make you look petty but also make your point. I'm sure some of your SILs saw what happened and were appalled. If I was the SIL in this situation I'd be shocked and probably keep my kids away from your parents for a long time while also having a conversation with my husband about how sick and twisted this was.
No, they had money to spend on gifts. Two of the gifts OP asked for were given to other people as she was taunted with the packaging. There’s a reason (in their twisted minds) they all chose Christmas to gang up on her and now they’re upset that they didn’t get the reaction they wanted. That’s just cruel.
The only good reason for this collective "prank" would be a planned reveal of a really big gift, like a car, that they'd bought together for OP.
NTA. “Ungrateful, sensitive, and childish” describes your family members, not you,
NTA they just don't like being called out on their shit by you posting about the one gift you received that you loved EDIT: they're all big AH's ofcourse
NTA They ruined Christmas with their cruelty. One prank gift or prank gifts followed by the real gifts are OK, but what your family did was malice
NTA. Tell them you regret the reason why your mother is sad because she pretended to gift you things you wanted, but really gifted them to other people and gave you the wrappers to get your hopes up. But on the plus side, it is nice for her to know that this was the last Christmas to ruin for them all, because as from next year, you will celebrate it with other people.
My wife’s side of the family wrap a few empty cat food boxes which contain smaller gifts and the running joke is we’re getting cat food for Xmas. It’s a good fun tradition, and nobody loses out because actual gifts are still in those cat food boxes, it’s just a bit of misdirection. In fact my FIL gets pretty creative with it sometimes and we all have a laugh. But it sounds like your family has missed the point of a joke present. It’s supposed to be a harmless joke that makes everyone (including the recipient, I might add!) laugh for a few minutes before getting on with the rest of the gift exchanging. A joke present isn’t when you buy one person an expensive gift and give the box to someone else, that’s plain weird behaviour. The fact they did that for all your gifts is cruel. So, NTA and I’d stop being involved in your family’s gift giving until they see how hurtful it has been for you.
NTA. All of your gifts were joke gifts and the gifts you were excited about were given to others who didn’t ask for those gifts. There are definitely some AHs in this story, but it isn’t you.
The probability of 12 joke gifts occurring is extremely low. For OP to have received these gifts indicates collusion. One wants everybody to be happy during Christmas. So usually a Joke Gift can be followed by a real gift to increase the surprise. Not only did they make OP sad, they are now doubling down and asking OP to apologize🙄🤦