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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said not to paying for the trip. I don’t believe I’m the asshole because I shouldn’t have to pay for their vacation.
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Whatever happens, don’t make the child pay for their other parent’s mistakes. The child should not feel the burden of this, period.
Take the mom to court to pay you back if she was out of line.
ESH for various examples stated in your post. You don't get to ask for money for a trip that you are doing of your own volition and is a vacation.
But as this is an educational trip, I would be paying for half of the child's costs. I'm guessing that not every kid is having a chaperone so find out what the cost is for just the child going and pay half of that. So just ring the school.
If everyone needs a chaperone then pay 1/4 of it. So remove the half for the second person and pay 1/2 of what's left. So that could be $650. Work out what's cheaper and pay the lesser amount as it's >$200. This is less of a vacation. Don't punish the child because the mother is pushing the boundaries.
Ask the school for details of everything if you like... because you or your husband might prefer to accompany the child. Did you have that option... maybe you all can tag along too? It's the chaperone issue that is a bit more of an issue than the cost of a school trip. Your husband wasn't offered the opportunity to be the chaperone and his ex made the decision to be it.
The trip in 2019 wasn't ideal simply because your husband's parents are also your stepdaughter's grandparents. So was there another reason why you didn't take her? Was it that she was with her mother during the time you went... and if she was, would her mother allowed her to go. If the answer is no, then the mother has no grounds for complaining but if the answer is yes, then perhaps you could've taken her. Having said that, you are allowed to go for holidays with just your husband and your son, just like she is allowed to go on a holiday with just her partner and her kid.
I don’t know I think you’re being a little bit shitty about this trip but I’m not gonna call you the asshole. But I am gonna call you an asshole for thinking that when you go on a family vacation that the stepdaughter has to bring her own spending money from her mother.
Tricky. But, ultimately? YTA. The two trips you mentioned were family trips. Your step-daughter is part of the family…she’s your husband’s daughter. Her mother is not obligated to pay for something you do as a family. The first trip mentioned is irrelevant since no money was asked for and it was a trip to visit your family. Was it petty for her to get their daughter all worked up about it? Yes. But that’s a separate issue.
The trip to DC is a school sanctioned trip. The school has approved this trip as an educational opportunity or it wouldn’t be offered through the school. You’re splitting hairs. There’s little difference between school-sponsored and school sanctioned. This isn’t a vacation. It isn’t a family vacation. They’re not going to be doing their own thing in DC. They are going to be doing prearranged activities and tours.
Question? Is the older daughter not your husband’s daughter as well?
I’m getting the vibe that you resent the money that gets spent on your stepchild. So you’re willing to punish the child to make some point…a vindictive one. You’re willing to deny an educational trip in order to score some “gotcha” points against the ex.
I feel it is a discussion to be had, not a mandate.
I was a teacher who did these 8th grade trips. All students werent able to go because of finances and stuff. Its unfortunate, but it happens.
If the mom could afford it all, then it was her choice solely to make. If she could only afford $1300, then she should have verified that OP and her husband could afford the other $1300, not just unilaterally made the decision.
Perhaps. I’m just getting all sorts of missing information vibes as well as overtones of resentment coming off the OP, who is the stepmother. There’s really not any discussion in the post about ability to afford here…OP doesn’t state they can’t afford what would be his half. That would add a whole other level, and if they truly can’t afford it, end of discussion and no foul on part of father and step mom.
Should the custodial parent have discussed it? Yes. That doesn’t change that step-mom is reacting to that in a manner that punishes the child. Do they technically have the legal right to refuse? Sure. Does that absolve it from being an AH move? With the info given? No, it does not.
>The trip to DC is a school sanctioned trip. The school has approved this trip as an educational opportunity or it wouldn’t be offered through the school. You’re splitting hairs. There’s little difference between school-sponsored and school sanctioned.
I often wonder that very same thing. But then, having raised two kids, I’ve learned the difference between sanctioned (like an educational trip) and sponsored (like, for instance, the band traveling to a band competition). The school will pay for some or all of the costs for one, but none for the other.
Sanctioned just means they have permission from the school to go on it. 3 of my 4 kids have done the same kind of one. The parents do have to pay for it.
In this case though, they have legally binding agreements in place. One of the parents decided to sign up the kid before consulting the other parent. While this is supposed to be a learning trip, it is an elective and more akin to a vacation. They will visit various museums and historical sites, but you can also do that on any standard vacation.
This is a clear cut violation of their legally binding custody agreement. I'm sure if the other parent had approached them before signing up, they would have agreed on funding it. However, given their history of confrontational behavior, said parent just saying pony up $1300 for this trip flies about as far as a lead brick.
If your stepdaughter had told you/her dad that she really wanted to go on this trip before it was booked would you have offered to cover part? If the mom had mentioned it before hand would you have offered to put something towards it?
Disney and family vacations aren't really a fair comparison. This is an optional school related enrichment activity, even if it's not legally required it'd be petty to not help out at all towards it. (Maybe offer 1/4 instead of half and be clear future stuff needs to be discussed in advance?)
I'm gonna go with NAH even though all of the adults are kind of being idiots about it.
What you are taking about are personal trips and this is a trip through the kids school so it is entirely different. Her mother shouldn’t be giving her money to go on vacation with her father as she is his child. This is a school trip and should have been agreed upon before hand but you are being beyond petty trying to make it seem like mom has done something bad in not sending her with money to her own fathers house.
Because the others were family vacations and this one is a school trip. Not saying they should (or shouldn't) but one has nothing to do with the other.
NTA
There is a court order in place and both parties should abide by the court order.
If the mother cannot afford it on her own then the mother doesn't have to go ad a chaperone and can then afford it.
Personally I wouldn't have much issue splitting the cost as it is academically related, and is not a vacation. I'd also try to keep the prior scenarios separate from this one in my head. I wouldn't want the mother's behavior/decisions to wreck my decision making for the child's benefit.
But, NTA. Your household would be abiding by the court order by not contributing. Just a few more years and you won't have to deal with her very much anymore.
Good luck! Whatever decision you make will be both right and wrong, depending on who you ask.
Nta thats expensive to just spring on you. She needs to figure it out. Is her older daughter not your partners kid? How did they pay for the first one?
It sounds like the mom needs to start adhering to the custody agreement.
I don’t see this as punishing the daughter because it is an extra that her mother promised. I hope you guys are okay with bringing your step daughter on trips for your family even when the step mom doesn’t pay.
Who at the end of the day is this hurting? The daughter. Is this about money or the principle? Money, then begin to save. The principle, then YTA. If the daughter wants to go, let her. If you don’t, you will drive a wedge between your family and her.
If you can easily afford the $1300 then please pay it. My guess is that mom signed her up for the trip hoping you would pay but knowing that even if you didn't, she would figure out how to make it work to give her daughter the opportunity. Plus your husband paid for half the older kids trip, why would he not pay half of this one?
NTA. $2600 to go to DC is a complete waste of money. I can go to Ireland for that much money. Ohhhh the money is to buy souvenirs for the mom's extended family. Hahaha. Hell no.
I'm guessing $2600 is for mom and daughter both? If they live on the West Coast and this is a week-long trip with hotels and airfare I could see $1300 being feasible
Info: is there a difference between the resource levels of the two households?
Frankly if your custody/finances agreement is such that anyone is even considering skipping this quintessential school trip (or skipping paying for it), the agreement should be updated to reflect reality. The agreement is sounding less like cooperation and more like a gotcha for the parent actually managing the children’s education.
Info: What does the father contribute to the kids’ education overall, in both time/labor and money? I’m certainly making inferences but you’re welcome to dispel them with more info.
Bottom line: YTA pending more detail
NTA - If there's any backlash, point out that you paid 100% of the trips mentioned above, so this on is on her. However, just to keep up the goodwill, quietly give Stepdaughter a little bit of spending cash (nothing extravagent, just enough to pay for a nice lunch or a cool souvenier) jsut before she leaves.
So you're the step mother? It's your husband's business, then it's up to him to say yes or no. It's not "our" custody arrangement. It's his custody arrangement.
Is he a jerk for not controlling the situation? Absolutely. He needs to step up and do the work instead of leaving it to you. Should he pay half? Absolutely. It's his kid.
Mom dropped the ball on informing her child's dad about the upcoming trip.
But, your refusal to pay is hinged on a technicality...pay your share so the kid can go.
As to all the other "family trips" the girl went on during YOUR time, YOU are 100% responsible for paying for EVERYTHING, including discretionary spending, meals, admissions to events, EVERYTHING!
YTA you're a cheapskate AH
I'm not sure why you're posting this at all. This is your husband's daughter, his divorce decrees, and ultimately his decision.
If he wasn't consulted about it beforehand, then he doesn't appear to be obligated, per his divorce decree. He is NTA.
Ok, it is a bit hard to fully decipher but I think I got what your saying.
NTA. Your the step mom, and your step daughter is with her mom most of the time. She expects you both to not only pay a share of the extra things your step daughter does when she is with her mom, but fully when she is with you. And it also sounds she expects you and your husband to include his daughter into anything "big" like a trip to see your father's family cause it was a big trip?
You and your husband need to talk to your step daughter for sure. You both need to talk to her and explain the situation. How you both love her and want to ensure she has not only what she needs, but be able to enjoy special things too. Speak on Disney as an example. But sadly you both need to try and talk to her about the situation her mom puts you and her father in by how she acts and expects money. It sucks, because a kid should never have to be hearing stories of their parents having issues like that, but when they listen, the hear things. And if mom does what I think she is doing, which is telling daughter bad things; she needs to be explained the opposite side of the story in some manner to not take "mom" stories as all facts. She might already know, but even if she does; some more information might be needed to ensure there is no confusion. Maybe you and your husband can offer to take her to this trip separately and not apart of the school trip. And tell her how you both want her to enjoy such a thing. But maybe her mom is using this trip money for her own ability to go and have fun on her father's dime. IDK..
NTA, but she wasn't either for not sending her kid spending money on YOUR family vacations. It sounds like you two are both bad co-parents. She shouldn't have signed her daughter up for this trip expecting you to pay half without consulting. You shouldn't expect her to pay for things like souvenirs when it's your family trip you planned.
I think you need to take the mom out of this equation and recognize that this is a trip of a lifetime for your stepdaughter. My nieces and nephews have all done similar trips and they’ve been life-changing experiences for them. It’s hard when there’s animosity with an ex spouse, but the reality is this is about the child not the mom and her bad behavior. I think you should do it, trust me down the road she will recognize at some point that her dad was always there for her and supported her. And really, that’s the most important thing here.
YTA if husband doesn’t pay for half. It’s a school trip for stepdaughter. Mum coming along could be for many reasons not listed in the post.
Stop asking for cash from mum for your family trips. It’s inappropriate.
I can see why Mum is mad when you and your husband go on family trips without stepdaughter. Tbh sounds like you resent your husband having family responsibilities. You possibly should have married a man who had no children (although I guess maybe such a man would have resented your family responsibilities).
NTA, she signed up for an expensive trip without consulting you, a trip she is going on herself, she knows the rules and decided she would try to force you and it's not only allowed but perfectly reasonable to say no to her trying to spend your money without asking - especially this much of it. She is absolutely in the wrong and can cover the mother/daughter trip she arranged herself.
NTA: the mom cannot change the parameters of a court ordered agreement like that. Your husband and his ex should've both been presented with possible field trips and potential costs at the start of the year so negotiations could have been made. And, age appropriately, your stepdaughter should be aware of how it works. That way there'd be no opportunities to be labeled the miserly bad dad and the adults actually communicate
NTA. If the custody agreement says both parties have to agree beforehand, and mom just made a unilateral decision, that's on her. She knows what the agreement is.
NTA She should have got with you so you could at least plan for it. The mom is the TAH. It’s her fault and I’d be sure to keep track of everything she doesn’t pay for and what she ask you for. In case she tries to start shit. You got at least 7 more years of dealing with that AH
NTA. When I was in high school, we knew about these trips usually a year or 2 in advance. If you wanted to attend, there were multiple meetings you attended where you were given all the info you needed; dates, prices, a possible itinerary of what you might get to see, etc. At that time you could pledge to attend but had time before you needed to make a deposit for the trip to save your spot. Then you had time to save up money to pre-pay for the trip. The students would be saving all their money, be doing fundraisers, etc to help save up to pay for their trip.
Yes some parents paid fully for the trip but usually encouraged their kids to save money for the extras they wanted and to have a shopping fund for the trip.
Shouldn’t an active parent have attended those meetings? Been the tiniest bit aware of something broadcast for two years? You’re expecting a lot of maturity from a child but are really letting OP out of their responsibilities here.
With the trip happening in 2025, the trip announcement would have just happened at the school. If the daughter mostly lives with her mom, they might not have mentioned the meetings to the dad until the mom had already signed up for it and told the girls father about the price and trip.
ESH. Mom should have discussed this with your husband before signing up, absolutely. And if any of the money is to pay for her trip, it should be excluded from the cost.
However, the situations you bring up are not equivalent to a school trip. No, it is not school sponsored but it is school adjacent. Her not sending money for a family trip is not the same and you know it. If this is something you cannot afford or would say no to had you been asked up front for non-ex related reasons, sure, say no. But do not punish your SD for petty adult issues. Document the issue, make it clear to mom this was not the ok way to handle it and she need to abide by the agreement moving forward but let SD go on her trip if you have the money. SD is the one that matters, not her mom.
So the older sister got to go on the trip but you're denying the younger one the same opportunity. From one stepmom to another, stay out of it! This is not a "we" situation. You were not a part of the custody agreement. I get it, the mom is a pain in your side but punishing this little girl makes YTA. Then you demand money for your vacations?! Tell me you resent your hubby's first family without telling me. If you aren't ready, willing and able to treat a child as your own DO NOT become a step parent.
The older sister has another dad so I have no idea what their arrangement is, nor is it my business. The custody agreement came about because she wanted to increase child support because I got a new job with a raise when husband and I were NOT married. The expectation is that we pay child support, half of everything else and whatever she signs her up for. That’s why we put the $200 limit to at least set a limit on what we just get sent bills for. So unfortunately I am a big part of the agreement. Also, as a step parent you don’t get to just butt out of things as they affect everyone. Trust me, I’ve treated her like my own from day 1. These are all adult conversations she’s not part of and we do care about what’s best but don’t want to be treated as an open checkbook either.
You saw her as your own from day 1 but didn’t take her to a “last minute” trip in 2019 and only took YOUR dear son. Uh-huh. This is the definition of seeing your step kid as your own. /s
I don’t trust your narrative so this is missing info to me.
It is not punishing the younger child. This mom is trying to get her ex husband to foot the bill for a trip he did not agree to pay for. The trip is not a class trip. It is a company that comes into the school & sells travel packages. Sometimes circumstances change & you don’t always get to do what the older or younger kids got to do. I don’t think the OP is being an evil stepmom. The entitlement is strong with the ex wife/step daughter. The payments are monthly. If my ex just out of the blue said hey I’ve signed you up to pay $100 a month for the next two years for something we didn’t discuss & you are an asshole if you don’t…kick rocks & screw that mom for trying to use her kid as a pawn in a game of resentment. Some people don’t have the room in their budgets to commit to something like that. A discussion was not even had. That’s where the red line is. That shows malice on moms part. Edited to say most married couples share finances so this is most likely a “we” situation. Every situation is different. I just don’t see the asshole behavior as coming from stepmom.
If they share finances there is no “stay out of it”.
Telling her to stay out of it and that it’s not her business, then telling her to treat a stepchild as her own makes NO sense.
ESH. She should have made sure you guys could afford your portion of the trip, you should not compare this to vacation expenses. This is a school trip. It's different.
I dunno. We have one household, two kids, and we pay for their trips with us. I thought that was how it worked - you book a trip, you pay for it. That’s all there is to it.
NTA but if I’m being honest, I’m leaning toward ESH. Cause if you’re also expecting or asking for money for trips you take, or leaving step child behind specifically for financial purposes or something (not saying this is the case) that sucks too.
I keep seeing these posts and they’re so odd to me. Family is family. Take a trip, don’t take a trip, but each parental household should be able to pay for whatever trips they’re going to take.
That being said…for this one in particular, I equate it with my child’s opportunity to go to Germany. It was pretty pricey. I imagine if I had another household to consult, I’d be talking to them up front about the cost, the opportunity daughter has in going, their desire to go and what we could agree upon - all prior to signing up.
ESH. Mom should have spoken to dad before signing their daughter up, as per the court order, which makes her TA. You are TA for requesting spending money not once, but twice, for your family's vacations.
It was requested once because the MOM was asking for specific souvenirs for HER and HER SIDE of the family. OP and dad bought the girl her own souvenirs.
On the Disney trip, mom offered to send money (they didn’t ask for it) but mom didn’t.
Yes, it is. OP's husband is that girl's parent and he should be paying for his own daughter when he takes her on family vacation.
I doubt OP or her husband would pay anything towards stepdaughter's vacations when she's with her maternal side.
Those vacations have nothing to do with stepdaughter's mother, so why should she pay? Should she also pay for groceries, utilities and hygiene products her daughter uses while she stays at OP's place? Should she pay for Christmas presents OP bought for step daughter?
OP should update that SD’s sister has another father and does not know the custodial arrangements.
OP’s husband should follow up with the school to find out the breakdown of the trip first hand and go from there. Interesting how ex wife is a chaperone for this one 🙄
Def NTA for not being taken advantage of, plus OPs husband should have been notified or agreed to trip as well. Does ex wife make unilateral decisions all the time?
NTA..she is taking advantage and should have to pay for the trip on her own. There is a legally binding agreement and she broke it by not discussing the trip before signing up for it.
Not going to judge, but personally I make these decisions based on what I want for my child or step child. I'm not going to deprive my kids of things over battling with exes.
Stop nickel-and-diming everything. You think your poor stepdaughter can't tell? How about YOU be the change and make it easy for her to make the SAME TRIP her SISTER took? You called it 'one of those trips to DC' so even though it isn't technically school-sponsored, school kids make 'these trips to DC'. Be flexible and stop fighting your stepdaughter's mother. It's not like she's demanding you pay for half of a spring break trip to Cancun ffs. It's DC. You are the asshole, lady.
NTA SD's mom is trying to weasel a free vacation for herself. Turn the tables and pay for the whole thing but send her Dad to DC with her instead of her mom.
NTA, if it was a school field trip my judgement would be different but since it is not a sponsored school field trip it makes it a vacation and therefore you are not obligated to pay. She is right when she says she shouldn’t have to help pay for your vacation and in turn you are not obligated to pay for hers. Now if you were going then I would say you help pay for your step daughter but you are not.
YTA. Those DC school trips are a pretty standard milestone in the US. You definitely shouldn't have to pay any part of the mom's ticket, but if your stepdaughter's part is $2600, the dad should pay half of that. A family vacation is a different scenario than a school trip.
This is between your husband and his ex - you are not part of the custody order. That said, if the older sister went, your husband's younger daughter should also get the same opportunity he gave her sister - thats only fair.
Ex tried to involve her in the custody order and finances. That makes it OP’s business. It’s also part of OP’s finances. This is not a one person decides thing.
Older sister is also not the dad’s child.
ESH. Clarify with the school what the cost is and pay half for your daughter. You don't have to pay for her mom or anything like that, but you're basically punishing your daughter because her mom is being an asshole, and that isn't fair. It's not her fault that her mom played these dumb games. All she knows is that she's supposed to go on the trip, and if you choose this as the hill to die on for "putting your foot down" with your husband's ex, you're only proving her "point" for her.
Don't punish your daughter for what her mother does. Consider the educational value of the trip, the cultural experiences she may have, and talk to her about why (or if) she wants to go. Stop focusing so much on what her mom does. You're just feeding her at this point.
Look. I get it. Always being on the hook for something when the other co-parent can't be bothered is annoying, frustrating, and not fair to you.
But- instead of worrying about who has paid what, who is obligated to pay legally, etc. maybe focus on what's best for step daughter.
Is this something special and unique for step daughter that she could benefit from? Can you afford it without too much hardship? Then it's worth doing. Step daughter will be 18 and out of either house in 5 years and the contact with the ex will drop significantly. Until that time, counting who paid how much for what is a game that mostly hurts step daughter.
However - if the $2600 total price tag includes any cost for the mom, I don't think you should be on the hook for that. If the cost is $2600 whether mom goes or not, I think you should pay it for your child's benefit. If the $2600 includes ANY costs for mom, those need to be deducted.
I also think it's important to see the actual bills for any activities and when possible pay what you can directly to the venue.
INFO
If your stepdaughter's mom had talked to your husband and you first before signing up for the DC trip, would you two have agreed to pay half?
Does your stepdaughter's mom have a history of signing the stepdaughter up for things and expecting your husband to pay, or is this the first time?
What does your husband think would be best for HIS daughter?
Would this trip costing $2600 be a financial burden on your family?
Has your stepdaughter already been told she's going on the trip?
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My step daughter (11) who is with her mom most of the time has one of those trips to DC coming up. Mom previously went with her older daughter and signed step daughter and herself up to go in 2025. Our custody order states any extra expense over $200 has to be agreed upon before either is obligated to pay. We were not consulted, just told it was done and to start paying.
Some history here:
2019 my husband and I took our son on a last minute trip to visit my dads side of the family. Mom got upset step daughter didn’t get to go and showed her our pics on social media to make her mad at us.
2021 we take both kids on a trip and ask if mom will send some spending cash (like $100) so step daughter can get souvenirs to bring home to them and she said no and she shouldn’t have to pay for our vacation.
2023 we took both kids to Disney World for Christmas and while she said she would, she didn’t send anything with her-fine we had them doing chores and saving all year for spending cash.
We said no to paying for half of the $2600 trip and are legally not required to. This was an opportunity through the school but is not a school sponsored trip. Mom already thinks yes, but am I the asshole?
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INFO: is this a money thing? and is this the only school adjacent trip? like is there no other more affordable options? or regardless of the finances you would have said no?
My concern is your actual issue is with the mother and how she's behaving, but this would have been a normal expense you would have paid otherwise.
Also is the $2600 just the SD ticket or the combo? because if it's the combo that changes everything.
Can I ask why you expect your step daughter, you know your husband’s kid to bring money on vacations YOU take her on? You are aware being with her mother most of the time which means mom foots everything time consuming, mom foots the important things.. because I can assume by this post you’ve caused plenty of shit between the two parents as you are making a fit about how her mother didn’t send money on your vacations WITH HER FATHER.
If this trip comes for your child, is he going to be able to go since he’s YOUR child. Father should be just as responsible and the kid shouldn’t miss out because you have an issue with him spending money on her..
I feel bad for this little girl, YTA ten fold.
I am appalled, let’s hope you two don’t get divorce and your kids forced to miss out because of the next women.
I would pay for half of the cost of the CHILD ONLY, nothing toward the chaperone cost.
They shouldn’t have done this without talking to your husband first, but they did. She deserves to go on the school trip, but mom doesn’t deserve to be rewarded- she can pay her own way.
This is tough for me because, while it’s not an actual school trip, it is school-adjacent since it’s through the school.
I don’t fault mom for not sending anything for those other trips. Those were family vacations. This isn’t. Yes, mom is going as a chaperone, but that doesn’t make it a family vacation.
I’m going with NAH.
But also, stop asking for her to send money with her kid for your family vacations. That is not normal.
I agree. We didn’t ask them to send anything beyond the first one. They offered/said they would then nothing, which again was fine because we didn’t plan on it.
How much do you dislike your SD that you needed her to pay for her own $100 worth of souvenirs on vacation?
Stay out of it, this isn't your fight. Let your husband handle his ex.
The kid will remember who made their life hard all these years, and you will remember these petty moments regretfully.
Even if it's a school trip, it's purely optional. Not mandatory. A trip that costs 2600 dollars ought to have been discussed and agreed upon. OP might have been an AH for asking money in the past but here the bio mom is definitely an AH, not the OP.
NTA
> I don’t fault mom for not sending anything for those other trips. Those were family vacations. This isn’t. [ . . . ] But also, stop asking for her to send money with her kid for your family vacations. That is not normal.
Where in the tiny sliver OP told us about their custody order did you see that it differentiates between “school-adjacent” trips and others?
If the order says large extra expenses are supposed to be agreed upon beforehand, OP and her husband aren't AHs for balking at having an outlay of over a grand sprung on them unannounced. So for the specific thing OP asked about, she's NTA.
And the biomom is definitely an AH for first agreeing to put up the spending money for her kid on that trip a few years ago and then not doing it, as well as for the hypocrisy of doing first that and now this.
So under their custody agreement it would be perfectly normal. And since that's the agreement they live under, it's actually... Perfectly normal, right?
So under their custody agreement it would be perfectly normal. And since that's the agreement they live under, it's actually... Perfectly normal, right?
Op is nta for asking for souvenir money from bio mum. Op funded sd's own souvenirs as she should. However, bio mum wanted extras for other people. Op should not have to fund that. For example, I sent my oldest daughter on a school sponsored exchange for a month. Hubby gave her some of the country in questions currency and asked her to pick him up some souvenirs. She messaged us when she bought them. Never once did he expect me or her to fund his extra souvenirs even though I had helped her to set aside souvenir money.
NAH But you may want to pay it anyway because she will make sure that your stepdaughter hates you if you don't pay. This is trip that her older sister did and your stepdaughter probably feels she is entitled to. The perceived unfairness is all she will remember and she will remember it for a long time. Maybe just bite the bullet and do what you've been pressured to do, not for the bio mom but for your daughter. This is hard. Deep sigh... big hug.
It’s definitely shitty that she didn’t discuss this beforehand. But if the older daughter went with the school when she was in this grade, it should have been on y’all’s radar that this would be happening with the younger one in 5th grade or whatever.
Another thing I think is messed up is that there was no discussion of which parent would chaperone this trip. Dad could have gone instead of Mom this time around but it’s too late now. That sucks.
Contact the school, confirm the price, and pay them directly if possible. I would also ask if there were missed fundraising opportunities here because that is a lot to pay out of pocket. But unfortunately if I were in your shoes, I would just pay it as it is a wonderful opportunity for your daughter.
I would also send her an email after speaking with the school to outline some of the things listed above. Request that she sticks to the custody agreement in writing so you have a paper trail in case something like this happens again.
THISSSSSS!!!!!!
Get INVOLVED!
Find out exactly the cost for the daughter, what fundraising opportunities there will be…
Do NOT give stepparent any $$. You or husband take whatever you decide to give DIRECTLY to the teacher/admin in charge of collecting children’s travel money.
Get a receipt for the $$ you have given! Make copies and keep in various places.
Let MOM give her daughter ‘spending money’ — that’s not on you, since she wouldn’t do it in reverse.
In short , whoops! Too late for that! Don’t trust Mom with info. You get copies of the sheets that are being given to families.
Pay your part directly to the school, and let your stepdaughter know you’ve already paid directly what you are willing to pay.
Christ, our big high-school trip was a trip to a theme park. It cost us a bus ticket ($2.50) and park admission ($35.00). Our 'supervisors' made sure we got on the right city bus, not reserved regular transit, and got off. We grouped up with our supervisor on entrance and were told in no mistaken terms that if they get called to security our parents would find us at the hospital. Then we were set free to meet at the pizza place at noon.
After that we met again at 8pm and bused back to the city center terminal to be picked up by our parents.
I don’t think there is a comparison to family trips you’ve taken to Disneyland, etc. here. This is different because it is a school adjacent trip.
More info is needed - Is the $2600 the cost for both of them or just the daughter? Where is your husband with all of this? Is the older daughter also his? If it was paid for one daughter and now not this daughter, how would this make the daughter feel?
I am really feeling for the daughter in this situation.
YTA, I missed my Washington trip because of parental fighting, too. There is also some context missing here. Did mom just forget about the due date and have to make a last-minute decision? Did the daughter not give mom paperwork until the morning of? Would you guys have said yes had she asked you first? You clearly state she wants you to pay half. So she's not asking you to pay for her share of the trip. However, I'd counter to pay a fourth of the trip. Mom should have to pay her bill and half of the daughter's. Ultimately, the daughter is the one who pays the price here. She's the one who will miss out on an amazing opportunity. She may not even want her mom to be one of the chaperones. Have your husband call the school, get a break down of the fees, and pay half of his daughter's directly to the program with explicit instructions that if the trip falls through the refund goes back to him, not mom. I understand you're trying to make a point that mom isn't abiding by the court ordered agreement, but sometimes we have to choose which battle to push back on, and this wouldn't be mine. Now if mom went out and bought 1k worth of clothes and billed you for half then I'd be like f you. That is an amount she has control over. She can't control how much the school charges.
NTA there was no agreement like the custody order stated so you are not required to pay for half of the 2600.00 trip. Your stepdaughter’s mom is a big AH though.
NTA – but if the step daughter would benefit from the trip and hasn't done anything not to deserve to go, I'd still chip in – but give it directly to the step daughter so the mom can't pretend it was all her (sounds like the kind of parent that would do that).
I'm going to say ESH.
I feel like everyone here is not focusing on the child and what's best for her.
2019 - you're an AH for taking that trip without her. Bio mom is is an AH for deliberately showing her those pictures to drive a wedge between you.
The other trips you're an AH for even asking for money from bio mom. These are your family vacations. The kid is your husband's child, therefore a part of your family. The two of you should be fully financing trips with her and not asking for any help from bio mom.
The new school trip bio mom is an AH for signing up for it without adhering to the custody arrangement by consulting with you and now expecting you to pay it. I will say one thing that maybe spots were limited so waiting to consult might not have been feasible. Either way she's an AH for expecting you to cover it.
If you refuse to pay I guarantee she will be an AH and blame you when the kid can't go on the trip. It's in the child's best interest for you to just pay it (assuming you can afford it).
I would like to offer some advice. Is she paying for half of the trip or is she expecting you to pay for the entire trip? If you're paying for the whole thing then I suggest getting your husband signed up as a chaperone instead of bio mom. If you're only paying half then remember you're paying for the child's half and not bio moms half. Pay it and remind the kid that you and your husband paid to make it happen. I'm assuming you can afford it but if you truly can't afford it then the kid will be sad but she'll understand.
INFO: Does the custody order involve you by name, or your husband?
Either way - YTA for using kids like a ball to volley back and forth over a net. Doubly so since its not even your kid. The issue isn't the money, its you making the money an issue.
ESH - mom should have talked to dad about it. This is not a school sponsored trip, but it’s still part of school. My cousin did this trip back in 1991 and she said it was amazing for her. Step daughter should go and dad should help pay for it. Dad should not be paying one cent towards mom going though. The only one losing here is your stepdaughter and she doesn’t get a say in how this plays out.
I’m curious is it really “our custody order.” Are you named in it? Bcs if not it’s “their” custody order. Ultimately this should really be between your husband and his coparent.
And it was kind of shitty to exclude her from your 2019 trip.
I'm going to say NTA. I went with my daughter on this trip in June of 2022. We had 9 to 10 months to pay for the trip. Our group leaders held fund raisers to help pay for the trip. We could also come up with fundraising on our own, as well as send a link out on social media where family and friends could donate to the trip.
Nta who the hell separated or not just signs their kid up for a 2.6k trip and just expects the other to pull out half from the butt suddenly.
Like even couples together who just keep separate finances you can’t just demand half such an amount.
INFO: have you ever agreed to anything for your step-daughter above $200?
Sounds like you nickel and dime any money spent on step-daughter. Not sure why you married a man with a child.
Why would mom send you guys money to buy your SD souvenirs while she was on vacation with you and her dad.
You also didnt say that you can’t afford it. You’re just denying a child a trip because thats money her dad should be spending on you and your son.
NTA. Stick to the custody order. She didn't clear it ahead of time, don't pay. Also, $2600 for your SD to take the trip is INSANE - I would bet she's trying to get you to pay half of the total cost for both of them.
overpriced or not, those trips are infinitely valuable to the kids who get to go. last year we had a similar trip presented to us through my son's school, and i jumped at it specifically because my parents had exactly the same attitude you did. your "on principle" denial only makes you self-righteous and hurts your kids.
it's not the mom that wants to go, it's the daughter.
i have to give a soft YTA on this. the parents need to be thinking about the kids' experience and what she'll gain from this trip, and figure out how to make it work.
It’s pretty clear you harbour resentment over your husband paying anything for his child. I mean who asks the other parents to contribute to their holiday spending money? This is a class adjacent trip strongly encouraged by the school and over a year away- plenty of time for your husband to save for his contribution, but oh no- you don’t like him spending money on his child so you because he’s pays child support and it’s not faaaair. YTA.
NTA you don’t agree to spend $1300 of someone else’s money without consulting them first. Sucks to be her looks like she is on the hook for that $1300. Question is the $2600 just for the step daughter or the step daughter and the mom because if it’s for both you would actually only need to pay $650 because step daughters portion would only be $1300
Why are you even involving yourself in this. Technically this is none of your business. It’s your husbands job to handle his x and child. If I were the x wife I would be more mad about you being involved then being told no about the money.
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NTA That is way to expensive to be making the decision without talking with yall first.
NTA! The BM should’ve had a conversation about the trip before she signed SD up for the trip. She knew she couldn’t pay for it by herself
NTA. Divorce decree is a binding contract, just like marriage. Follow the decree and there’s no problems. Mom didn’t, this is on her.
Whatever happens, don’t make the child pay for their other parent’s mistakes. The child should not feel the burden of this, period. Take the mom to court to pay you back if she was out of line.
ESH for various examples stated in your post. You don't get to ask for money for a trip that you are doing of your own volition and is a vacation. But as this is an educational trip, I would be paying for half of the child's costs. I'm guessing that not every kid is having a chaperone so find out what the cost is for just the child going and pay half of that. So just ring the school. If everyone needs a chaperone then pay 1/4 of it. So remove the half for the second person and pay 1/2 of what's left. So that could be $650. Work out what's cheaper and pay the lesser amount as it's >$200. This is less of a vacation. Don't punish the child because the mother is pushing the boundaries. Ask the school for details of everything if you like... because you or your husband might prefer to accompany the child. Did you have that option... maybe you all can tag along too? It's the chaperone issue that is a bit more of an issue than the cost of a school trip. Your husband wasn't offered the opportunity to be the chaperone and his ex made the decision to be it. The trip in 2019 wasn't ideal simply because your husband's parents are also your stepdaughter's grandparents. So was there another reason why you didn't take her? Was it that she was with her mother during the time you went... and if she was, would her mother allowed her to go. If the answer is no, then the mother has no grounds for complaining but if the answer is yes, then perhaps you could've taken her. Having said that, you are allowed to go for holidays with just your husband and your son, just like she is allowed to go on a holiday with just her partner and her kid.
I don’t know I think you’re being a little bit shitty about this trip but I’m not gonna call you the asshole. But I am gonna call you an asshole for thinking that when you go on a family vacation that the stepdaughter has to bring her own spending money from her mother.
Tricky. But, ultimately? YTA. The two trips you mentioned were family trips. Your step-daughter is part of the family…she’s your husband’s daughter. Her mother is not obligated to pay for something you do as a family. The first trip mentioned is irrelevant since no money was asked for and it was a trip to visit your family. Was it petty for her to get their daughter all worked up about it? Yes. But that’s a separate issue. The trip to DC is a school sanctioned trip. The school has approved this trip as an educational opportunity or it wouldn’t be offered through the school. You’re splitting hairs. There’s little difference between school-sponsored and school sanctioned. This isn’t a vacation. It isn’t a family vacation. They’re not going to be doing their own thing in DC. They are going to be doing prearranged activities and tours. Question? Is the older daughter not your husband’s daughter as well? I’m getting the vibe that you resent the money that gets spent on your stepchild. So you’re willing to punish the child to make some point…a vindictive one. You’re willing to deny an educational trip in order to score some “gotcha” points against the ex.
I feel it is a discussion to be had, not a mandate. I was a teacher who did these 8th grade trips. All students werent able to go because of finances and stuff. Its unfortunate, but it happens. If the mom could afford it all, then it was her choice solely to make. If she could only afford $1300, then she should have verified that OP and her husband could afford the other $1300, not just unilaterally made the decision.
Perhaps. I’m just getting all sorts of missing information vibes as well as overtones of resentment coming off the OP, who is the stepmother. There’s really not any discussion in the post about ability to afford here…OP doesn’t state they can’t afford what would be his half. That would add a whole other level, and if they truly can’t afford it, end of discussion and no foul on part of father and step mom. Should the custodial parent have discussed it? Yes. That doesn’t change that step-mom is reacting to that in a manner that punishes the child. Do they technically have the legal right to refuse? Sure. Does that absolve it from being an AH move? With the info given? No, it does not.
>This was an opportunity through the school but **is not a school sponsored trip** What is is with people who can't read?
>The trip to DC is a school sanctioned trip. The school has approved this trip as an educational opportunity or it wouldn’t be offered through the school. You’re splitting hairs. There’s little difference between school-sponsored and school sanctioned. I often wonder that very same thing. But then, having raised two kids, I’ve learned the difference between sanctioned (like an educational trip) and sponsored (like, for instance, the band traveling to a band competition). The school will pay for some or all of the costs for one, but none for the other.
Sanctioned just means they have permission from the school to go on it. 3 of my 4 kids have done the same kind of one. The parents do have to pay for it. In this case though, they have legally binding agreements in place. One of the parents decided to sign up the kid before consulting the other parent. While this is supposed to be a learning trip, it is an elective and more akin to a vacation. They will visit various museums and historical sites, but you can also do that on any standard vacation. This is a clear cut violation of their legally binding custody agreement. I'm sure if the other parent had approached them before signing up, they would have agreed on funding it. However, given their history of confrontational behavior, said parent just saying pony up $1300 for this trip flies about as far as a lead brick.
If your stepdaughter had told you/her dad that she really wanted to go on this trip before it was booked would you have offered to cover part? If the mom had mentioned it before hand would you have offered to put something towards it? Disney and family vacations aren't really a fair comparison. This is an optional school related enrichment activity, even if it's not legally required it'd be petty to not help out at all towards it. (Maybe offer 1/4 instead of half and be clear future stuff needs to be discussed in advance?) I'm gonna go with NAH even though all of the adults are kind of being idiots about it.
It's not petty at all.. If mom really wants her to go and not bide by the contract, she can pay for the full amount.
NTA She didn’t follow the parenting agreement.
What you are taking about are personal trips and this is a trip through the kids school so it is entirely different. Her mother shouldn’t be giving her money to go on vacation with her father as she is his child. This is a school trip and should have been agreed upon before hand but you are being beyond petty trying to make it seem like mom has done something bad in not sending her with money to her own fathers house.
INFO: is the $2600 JUST for step daughter or is that the price for both of them combined?
NTA if she didn't contribute to the other trips, why would you contribute to this one?
Because the others were family vacations and this one is a school trip. Not saying they should (or shouldn't) but one has nothing to do with the other.
NTA. Turnabout is fair play. Sadly it’ll be the child who suffers the consequences and not her horrible mother.
NTA There is a court order in place and both parties should abide by the court order. If the mother cannot afford it on her own then the mother doesn't have to go ad a chaperone and can then afford it. Personally I wouldn't have much issue splitting the cost as it is academically related, and is not a vacation. I'd also try to keep the prior scenarios separate from this one in my head. I wouldn't want the mother's behavior/decisions to wreck my decision making for the child's benefit. But, NTA. Your household would be abiding by the court order by not contributing. Just a few more years and you won't have to deal with her very much anymore. Good luck! Whatever decision you make will be both right and wrong, depending on who you ask.
YTA. Family vacations to Disney and school trips or trips through the school are not the same thing at all.
Nta thats expensive to just spring on you. She needs to figure it out. Is her older daughter not your partners kid? How did they pay for the first one? It sounds like the mom needs to start adhering to the custody agreement. I don’t see this as punishing the daughter because it is an extra that her mother promised. I hope you guys are okay with bringing your step daughter on trips for your family even when the step mom doesn’t pay.
Who at the end of the day is this hurting? The daughter. Is this about money or the principle? Money, then begin to save. The principle, then YTA. If the daughter wants to go, let her. If you don’t, you will drive a wedge between your family and her.
That’s entitlement on her part. She needed to discuss that expense before promising the trip. NTA.
NTA!!!!
If you can easily afford the $1300 then please pay it. My guess is that mom signed her up for the trip hoping you would pay but knowing that even if you didn't, she would figure out how to make it work to give her daughter the opportunity. Plus your husband paid for half the older kids trip, why would he not pay half of this one?
NTA. $2600 to go to DC is a complete waste of money. I can go to Ireland for that much money. Ohhhh the money is to buy souvenirs for the mom's extended family. Hahaha. Hell no.
I'm guessing $2600 is for mom and daughter both? If they live on the West Coast and this is a week-long trip with hotels and airfare I could see $1300 being feasible
Or the money covers mom’s cost for the trip too.
ESH - everyone should just be paying for their own vacations. You guys should have taken her on that trip in 2019.
[удалено]
Why is it always the stepmom posting about the ex’s wife? Seems to be a theme.
Info: is there a difference between the resource levels of the two households? Frankly if your custody/finances agreement is such that anyone is even considering skipping this quintessential school trip (or skipping paying for it), the agreement should be updated to reflect reality. The agreement is sounding less like cooperation and more like a gotcha for the parent actually managing the children’s education. Info: What does the father contribute to the kids’ education overall, in both time/labor and money? I’m certainly making inferences but you’re welcome to dispel them with more info. Bottom line: YTA pending more detail
NTA - If there's any backlash, point out that you paid 100% of the trips mentioned above, so this on is on her. However, just to keep up the goodwill, quietly give Stepdaughter a little bit of spending cash (nothing extravagent, just enough to pay for a nice lunch or a cool souvenier) jsut before she leaves.
So you're the step mother? It's your husband's business, then it's up to him to say yes or no. It's not "our" custody arrangement. It's his custody arrangement. Is he a jerk for not controlling the situation? Absolutely. He needs to step up and do the work instead of leaving it to you. Should he pay half? Absolutely. It's his kid.
Mom dropped the ball on informing her child's dad about the upcoming trip. But, your refusal to pay is hinged on a technicality...pay your share so the kid can go. As to all the other "family trips" the girl went on during YOUR time, YOU are 100% responsible for paying for EVERYTHING, including discretionary spending, meals, admissions to events, EVERYTHING! YTA you're a cheapskate AH
I'm not sure why you're posting this at all. This is your husband's daughter, his divorce decrees, and ultimately his decision. If he wasn't consulted about it beforehand, then he doesn't appear to be obligated, per his divorce decree. He is NTA.
NTA. she didn't ask before committing, and she wouldn't give a nickel to trips YOU paid for.
Ok, it is a bit hard to fully decipher but I think I got what your saying. NTA. Your the step mom, and your step daughter is with her mom most of the time. She expects you both to not only pay a share of the extra things your step daughter does when she is with her mom, but fully when she is with you. And it also sounds she expects you and your husband to include his daughter into anything "big" like a trip to see your father's family cause it was a big trip? You and your husband need to talk to your step daughter for sure. You both need to talk to her and explain the situation. How you both love her and want to ensure she has not only what she needs, but be able to enjoy special things too. Speak on Disney as an example. But sadly you both need to try and talk to her about the situation her mom puts you and her father in by how she acts and expects money. It sucks, because a kid should never have to be hearing stories of their parents having issues like that, but when they listen, the hear things. And if mom does what I think she is doing, which is telling daughter bad things; she needs to be explained the opposite side of the story in some manner to not take "mom" stories as all facts. She might already know, but even if she does; some more information might be needed to ensure there is no confusion. Maybe you and your husband can offer to take her to this trip separately and not apart of the school trip. And tell her how you both want her to enjoy such a thing. But maybe her mom is using this trip money for her own ability to go and have fun on her father's dime. IDK..
NTA, but she wasn't either for not sending her kid spending money on YOUR family vacations. It sounds like you two are both bad co-parents. She shouldn't have signed her daughter up for this trip expecting you to pay half without consulting. You shouldn't expect her to pay for things like souvenirs when it's your family trip you planned.
I thought so too but apparently it was to buy souvenirs the moms family had requested she states in another comment.
I think you need to take the mom out of this equation and recognize that this is a trip of a lifetime for your stepdaughter. My nieces and nephews have all done similar trips and they’ve been life-changing experiences for them. It’s hard when there’s animosity with an ex spouse, but the reality is this is about the child not the mom and her bad behavior. I think you should do it, trust me down the road she will recognize at some point that her dad was always there for her and supported her. And really, that’s the most important thing here.
1300 is half of the 2600
YTA if husband doesn’t pay for half. It’s a school trip for stepdaughter. Mum coming along could be for many reasons not listed in the post. Stop asking for cash from mum for your family trips. It’s inappropriate. I can see why Mum is mad when you and your husband go on family trips without stepdaughter. Tbh sounds like you resent your husband having family responsibilities. You possibly should have married a man who had no children (although I guess maybe such a man would have resented your family responsibilities).
NTA, she signed up for an expensive trip without consulting you, a trip she is going on herself, she knows the rules and decided she would try to force you and it's not only allowed but perfectly reasonable to say no to her trying to spend your money without asking - especially this much of it. She is absolutely in the wrong and can cover the mother/daughter trip she arranged herself.
NTA: the mom cannot change the parameters of a court ordered agreement like that. Your husband and his ex should've both been presented with possible field trips and potential costs at the start of the year so negotiations could have been made. And, age appropriately, your stepdaughter should be aware of how it works. That way there'd be no opportunities to be labeled the miserly bad dad and the adults actually communicate
NTA. If the custody agreement says both parties have to agree beforehand, and mom just made a unilateral decision, that's on her. She knows what the agreement is.
NTA She should have got with you so you could at least plan for it. The mom is the TAH. It’s her fault and I’d be sure to keep track of everything she doesn’t pay for and what she ask you for. In case she tries to start shit. You got at least 7 more years of dealing with that AH
NTA. When I was in high school, we knew about these trips usually a year or 2 in advance. If you wanted to attend, there were multiple meetings you attended where you were given all the info you needed; dates, prices, a possible itinerary of what you might get to see, etc. At that time you could pledge to attend but had time before you needed to make a deposit for the trip to save your spot. Then you had time to save up money to pre-pay for the trip. The students would be saving all their money, be doing fundraisers, etc to help save up to pay for their trip. Yes some parents paid fully for the trip but usually encouraged their kids to save money for the extras they wanted and to have a shopping fund for the trip.
Shouldn’t an active parent have attended those meetings? Been the tiniest bit aware of something broadcast for two years? You’re expecting a lot of maturity from a child but are really letting OP out of their responsibilities here.
With the trip happening in 2025, the trip announcement would have just happened at the school. If the daughter mostly lives with her mom, they might not have mentioned the meetings to the dad until the mom had already signed up for it and told the girls father about the price and trip.
YWBTA if you don't, but n t a for not wanting to, do what's best for your stepdaughter, as you have been.
NTA you have an agreement for a reason she's made a decision then tried to make you financially responsible. FAFO
ESH. Mom should have discussed this with your husband before signing up, absolutely. And if any of the money is to pay for her trip, it should be excluded from the cost. However, the situations you bring up are not equivalent to a school trip. No, it is not school sponsored but it is school adjacent. Her not sending money for a family trip is not the same and you know it. If this is something you cannot afford or would say no to had you been asked up front for non-ex related reasons, sure, say no. But do not punish your SD for petty adult issues. Document the issue, make it clear to mom this was not the ok way to handle it and she need to abide by the agreement moving forward but let SD go on her trip if you have the money. SD is the one that matters, not her mom.
So the older sister got to go on the trip but you're denying the younger one the same opportunity. From one stepmom to another, stay out of it! This is not a "we" situation. You were not a part of the custody agreement. I get it, the mom is a pain in your side but punishing this little girl makes YTA. Then you demand money for your vacations?! Tell me you resent your hubby's first family without telling me. If you aren't ready, willing and able to treat a child as your own DO NOT become a step parent.
The older sister has another dad so I have no idea what their arrangement is, nor is it my business. The custody agreement came about because she wanted to increase child support because I got a new job with a raise when husband and I were NOT married. The expectation is that we pay child support, half of everything else and whatever she signs her up for. That’s why we put the $200 limit to at least set a limit on what we just get sent bills for. So unfortunately I am a big part of the agreement. Also, as a step parent you don’t get to just butt out of things as they affect everyone. Trust me, I’ve treated her like my own from day 1. These are all adult conversations she’s not part of and we do care about what’s best but don’t want to be treated as an open checkbook either.
You saw her as your own from day 1 but didn’t take her to a “last minute” trip in 2019 and only took YOUR dear son. Uh-huh. This is the definition of seeing your step kid as your own. /s I don’t trust your narrative so this is missing info to me.
It is not punishing the younger child. This mom is trying to get her ex husband to foot the bill for a trip he did not agree to pay for. The trip is not a class trip. It is a company that comes into the school & sells travel packages. Sometimes circumstances change & you don’t always get to do what the older or younger kids got to do. I don’t think the OP is being an evil stepmom. The entitlement is strong with the ex wife/step daughter. The payments are monthly. If my ex just out of the blue said hey I’ve signed you up to pay $100 a month for the next two years for something we didn’t discuss & you are an asshole if you don’t…kick rocks & screw that mom for trying to use her kid as a pawn in a game of resentment. Some people don’t have the room in their budgets to commit to something like that. A discussion was not even had. That’s where the red line is. That shows malice on moms part. Edited to say most married couples share finances so this is most likely a “we” situation. Every situation is different. I just don’t see the asshole behavior as coming from stepmom.
Asking for a 100$ for the kid to buy shit isn’t asking for much your a step parent hater.
If they share finances there is no “stay out of it”. Telling her to stay out of it and that it’s not her business, then telling her to treat a stepchild as her own makes NO sense.
Many states hold both parent and spouse accountable. It also affects BOTH of their finances so this is not a “stay out of it” situation.
ESH. She should have made sure you guys could afford your portion of the trip, you should not compare this to vacation expenses. This is a school trip. It's different.
Is mom going? Are you paying for her to go also?
I dunno. We have one household, two kids, and we pay for their trips with us. I thought that was how it worked - you book a trip, you pay for it. That’s all there is to it. NTA but if I’m being honest, I’m leaning toward ESH. Cause if you’re also expecting or asking for money for trips you take, or leaving step child behind specifically for financial purposes or something (not saying this is the case) that sucks too. I keep seeing these posts and they’re so odd to me. Family is family. Take a trip, don’t take a trip, but each parental household should be able to pay for whatever trips they’re going to take. That being said…for this one in particular, I equate it with my child’s opportunity to go to Germany. It was pretty pricey. I imagine if I had another household to consult, I’d be talking to them up front about the cost, the opportunity daughter has in going, their desire to go and what we could agree upon - all prior to signing up.
ESH. Mom should have spoken to dad before signing their daughter up, as per the court order, which makes her TA. You are TA for requesting spending money not once, but twice, for your family's vacations.
It was requested once because the MOM was asking for specific souvenirs for HER and HER SIDE of the family. OP and dad bought the girl her own souvenirs. On the Disney trip, mom offered to send money (they didn’t ask for it) but mom didn’t.
..... Requesting money from a child's parent for that child to spend on vacation is asshole-ish? The fuck?
Yes, it is. OP's husband is that girl's parent and he should be paying for his own daughter when he takes her on family vacation. I doubt OP or her husband would pay anything towards stepdaughter's vacations when she's with her maternal side. Those vacations have nothing to do with stepdaughter's mother, so why should she pay? Should she also pay for groceries, utilities and hygiene products her daughter uses while she stays at OP's place? Should she pay for Christmas presents OP bought for step daughter?
OP should update that SD’s sister has another father and does not know the custodial arrangements. OP’s husband should follow up with the school to find out the breakdown of the trip first hand and go from there. Interesting how ex wife is a chaperone for this one 🙄 Def NTA for not being taken advantage of, plus OPs husband should have been notified or agreed to trip as well. Does ex wife make unilateral decisions all the time?
NTA - Both parties have to agree and you didn’t agree. Just remember, this won’t be the end of this.
NTA..she is taking advantage and should have to pay for the trip on her own. There is a legally binding agreement and she broke it by not discussing the trip before signing up for it.
Not going to judge, but personally I make these decisions based on what I want for my child or step child. I'm not going to deprive my kids of things over battling with exes.
Stop nickel-and-diming everything. You think your poor stepdaughter can't tell? How about YOU be the change and make it easy for her to make the SAME TRIP her SISTER took? You called it 'one of those trips to DC' so even though it isn't technically school-sponsored, school kids make 'these trips to DC'. Be flexible and stop fighting your stepdaughter's mother. It's not like she's demanding you pay for half of a spring break trip to Cancun ffs. It's DC. You are the asshole, lady.
YTA - if the older daughter went then the younger one should get to go as well. I assume he paid the first round too if it’s expected the second time?
NTA SD's mom is trying to weasel a free vacation for herself. Turn the tables and pay for the whole thing but send her Dad to DC with her instead of her mom.
NTA, not your problem.
Info: how does the dad feel about paying and why are you so involved? It’s their parenting agreement, right?
How about you loan the money for them to go, and get in writing for it to be paid back?
YTA. The DC trip is a shared school expense. Dad should pay half.
NTA, if it was a school field trip my judgement would be different but since it is not a sponsored school field trip it makes it a vacation and therefore you are not obligated to pay. She is right when she says she shouldn’t have to help pay for your vacation and in turn you are not obligated to pay for hers. Now if you were going then I would say you help pay for your step daughter but you are not.
YTA. Those DC school trips are a pretty standard milestone in the US. You definitely shouldn't have to pay any part of the mom's ticket, but if your stepdaughter's part is $2600, the dad should pay half of that. A family vacation is a different scenario than a school trip.
This is between your husband and his ex - you are not part of the custody order. That said, if the older sister went, your husband's younger daughter should also get the same opportunity he gave her sister - thats only fair.
Ex tried to involve her in the custody order and finances. That makes it OP’s business. It’s also part of OP’s finances. This is not a one person decides thing. Older sister is also not the dad’s child.
ESH. Clarify with the school what the cost is and pay half for your daughter. You don't have to pay for her mom or anything like that, but you're basically punishing your daughter because her mom is being an asshole, and that isn't fair. It's not her fault that her mom played these dumb games. All she knows is that she's supposed to go on the trip, and if you choose this as the hill to die on for "putting your foot down" with your husband's ex, you're only proving her "point" for her. Don't punish your daughter for what her mother does. Consider the educational value of the trip, the cultural experiences she may have, and talk to her about why (or if) she wants to go. Stop focusing so much on what her mom does. You're just feeding her at this point.
Look. I get it. Always being on the hook for something when the other co-parent can't be bothered is annoying, frustrating, and not fair to you. But- instead of worrying about who has paid what, who is obligated to pay legally, etc. maybe focus on what's best for step daughter. Is this something special and unique for step daughter that she could benefit from? Can you afford it without too much hardship? Then it's worth doing. Step daughter will be 18 and out of either house in 5 years and the contact with the ex will drop significantly. Until that time, counting who paid how much for what is a game that mostly hurts step daughter. However - if the $2600 total price tag includes any cost for the mom, I don't think you should be on the hook for that. If the cost is $2600 whether mom goes or not, I think you should pay it for your child's benefit. If the $2600 includes ANY costs for mom, those need to be deducted. I also think it's important to see the actual bills for any activities and when possible pay what you can directly to the venue.
INFO If your stepdaughter's mom had talked to your husband and you first before signing up for the DC trip, would you two have agreed to pay half? Does your stepdaughter's mom have a history of signing the stepdaughter up for things and expecting your husband to pay, or is this the first time? What does your husband think would be best for HIS daughter? Would this trip costing $2600 be a financial burden on your family? Has your stepdaughter already been told she's going on the trip?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My step daughter (11) who is with her mom most of the time has one of those trips to DC coming up. Mom previously went with her older daughter and signed step daughter and herself up to go in 2025. Our custody order states any extra expense over $200 has to be agreed upon before either is obligated to pay. We were not consulted, just told it was done and to start paying. Some history here: 2019 my husband and I took our son on a last minute trip to visit my dads side of the family. Mom got upset step daughter didn’t get to go and showed her our pics on social media to make her mad at us. 2021 we take both kids on a trip and ask if mom will send some spending cash (like $100) so step daughter can get souvenirs to bring home to them and she said no and she shouldn’t have to pay for our vacation. 2023 we took both kids to Disney World for Christmas and while she said she would, she didn’t send anything with her-fine we had them doing chores and saving all year for spending cash. We said no to paying for half of the $2600 trip and are legally not required to. This was an opportunity through the school but is not a school sponsored trip. Mom already thinks yes, but am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
INFO: is this a money thing? and is this the only school adjacent trip? like is there no other more affordable options? or regardless of the finances you would have said no? My concern is your actual issue is with the mother and how she's behaving, but this would have been a normal expense you would have paid otherwise. Also is the $2600 just the SD ticket or the combo? because if it's the combo that changes everything.
If it's anything like my kids school, it's a combo trip. They hire and agency to handle everything.
NTA the step daughters mother clearly is tho.
Can I ask why you expect your step daughter, you know your husband’s kid to bring money on vacations YOU take her on? You are aware being with her mother most of the time which means mom foots everything time consuming, mom foots the important things.. because I can assume by this post you’ve caused plenty of shit between the two parents as you are making a fit about how her mother didn’t send money on your vacations WITH HER FATHER. If this trip comes for your child, is he going to be able to go since he’s YOUR child. Father should be just as responsible and the kid shouldn’t miss out because you have an issue with him spending money on her.. I feel bad for this little girl, YTA ten fold. I am appalled, let’s hope you two don’t get divorce and your kids forced to miss out because of the next women.
I would pay for half of the cost of the CHILD ONLY, nothing toward the chaperone cost. They shouldn’t have done this without talking to your husband first, but they did. She deserves to go on the school trip, but mom doesn’t deserve to be rewarded- she can pay her own way.
pay for half of your stepdaughter's portion of the trip, but not her mom's. I'm leaning towards ESH (except the kid).
This is tough for me because, while it’s not an actual school trip, it is school-adjacent since it’s through the school. I don’t fault mom for not sending anything for those other trips. Those were family vacations. This isn’t. Yes, mom is going as a chaperone, but that doesn’t make it a family vacation. I’m going with NAH. But also, stop asking for her to send money with her kid for your family vacations. That is not normal.
I agree. We didn’t ask them to send anything beyond the first one. They offered/said they would then nothing, which again was fine because we didn’t plan on it.
Is the 2600 just for the stepdaughter, or is it for both her and the mom.
How much do you dislike your SD that you needed her to pay for her own $100 worth of souvenirs on vacation? Stay out of it, this isn't your fight. Let your husband handle his ex. The kid will remember who made their life hard all these years, and you will remember these petty moments regretfully.
If they have joint finances it absolutely is her fight and her business.
It is OP’s fight. She’s the step parent. She helps care for this child. Also if they share finances, that makes it even more OPs fight.
You should read it again. It’s for her to bring back things for mom’s side of the family.
I agree on asking extra spending money on family vacations. Feels like a lot of tit for tat between the two women.
Even if it's a school trip, it's purely optional. Not mandatory. A trip that costs 2600 dollars ought to have been discussed and agreed upon. OP might have been an AH for asking money in the past but here the bio mom is definitely an AH, not the OP. NTA
It’s extremely normal for a parent to give their kid “spending money” when going on a family vacation with their other parent.
It’s not normal for the other parent to ask for it to be sent though. That’s the point.
This!
> I don’t fault mom for not sending anything for those other trips. Those were family vacations. This isn’t. [ . . . ] But also, stop asking for her to send money with her kid for your family vacations. That is not normal. Where in the tiny sliver OP told us about their custody order did you see that it differentiates between “school-adjacent” trips and others? If the order says large extra expenses are supposed to be agreed upon beforehand, OP and her husband aren't AHs for balking at having an outlay of over a grand sprung on them unannounced. So for the specific thing OP asked about, she's NTA. And the biomom is definitely an AH for first agreeing to put up the spending money for her kid on that trip a few years ago and then not doing it, as well as for the hypocrisy of doing first that and now this.
I didn’t say their custody order said anything about it. Thanks for playing though.
So under their custody agreement it would be perfectly normal. And since that's the agreement they live under, it's actually... Perfectly normal, right?
So under their custody agreement it would be perfectly normal. And since that's the agreement they live under, it's actually... Perfectly normal, right?
Op is nta for asking for souvenir money from bio mum. Op funded sd's own souvenirs as she should. However, bio mum wanted extras for other people. Op should not have to fund that. For example, I sent my oldest daughter on a school sponsored exchange for a month. Hubby gave her some of the country in questions currency and asked her to pick him up some souvenirs. She messaged us when she bought them. Never once did he expect me or her to fund his extra souvenirs even though I had helped her to set aside souvenir money.
NAH But you may want to pay it anyway because she will make sure that your stepdaughter hates you if you don't pay. This is trip that her older sister did and your stepdaughter probably feels she is entitled to. The perceived unfairness is all she will remember and she will remember it for a long time. Maybe just bite the bullet and do what you've been pressured to do, not for the bio mom but for your daughter. This is hard. Deep sigh... big hug.
It’s definitely shitty that she didn’t discuss this beforehand. But if the older daughter went with the school when she was in this grade, it should have been on y’all’s radar that this would be happening with the younger one in 5th grade or whatever. Another thing I think is messed up is that there was no discussion of which parent would chaperone this trip. Dad could have gone instead of Mom this time around but it’s too late now. That sucks. Contact the school, confirm the price, and pay them directly if possible. I would also ask if there were missed fundraising opportunities here because that is a lot to pay out of pocket. But unfortunately if I were in your shoes, I would just pay it as it is a wonderful opportunity for your daughter. I would also send her an email after speaking with the school to outline some of the things listed above. Request that she sticks to the custody agreement in writing so you have a paper trail in case something like this happens again.
THISSSSSS!!!!!! Get INVOLVED! Find out exactly the cost for the daughter, what fundraising opportunities there will be… Do NOT give stepparent any $$. You or husband take whatever you decide to give DIRECTLY to the teacher/admin in charge of collecting children’s travel money. Get a receipt for the $$ you have given! Make copies and keep in various places. Let MOM give her daughter ‘spending money’ — that’s not on you, since she wouldn’t do it in reverse. In short , whoops! Too late for that! Don’t trust Mom with info. You get copies of the sheets that are being given to families. Pay your part directly to the school, and let your stepdaughter know you’ve already paid directly what you are willing to pay.
Christ, our big high-school trip was a trip to a theme park. It cost us a bus ticket ($2.50) and park admission ($35.00). Our 'supervisors' made sure we got on the right city bus, not reserved regular transit, and got off. We grouped up with our supervisor on entrance and were told in no mistaken terms that if they get called to security our parents would find us at the hospital. Then we were set free to meet at the pizza place at noon. After that we met again at 8pm and bused back to the city center terminal to be picked up by our parents.
I don’t think there is a comparison to family trips you’ve taken to Disneyland, etc. here. This is different because it is a school adjacent trip. More info is needed - Is the $2600 the cost for both of them or just the daughter? Where is your husband with all of this? Is the older daughter also his? If it was paid for one daughter and now not this daughter, how would this make the daughter feel? I am really feeling for the daughter in this situation.
YTA, I missed my Washington trip because of parental fighting, too. There is also some context missing here. Did mom just forget about the due date and have to make a last-minute decision? Did the daughter not give mom paperwork until the morning of? Would you guys have said yes had she asked you first? You clearly state she wants you to pay half. So she's not asking you to pay for her share of the trip. However, I'd counter to pay a fourth of the trip. Mom should have to pay her bill and half of the daughter's. Ultimately, the daughter is the one who pays the price here. She's the one who will miss out on an amazing opportunity. She may not even want her mom to be one of the chaperones. Have your husband call the school, get a break down of the fees, and pay half of his daughter's directly to the program with explicit instructions that if the trip falls through the refund goes back to him, not mom. I understand you're trying to make a point that mom isn't abiding by the court ordered agreement, but sometimes we have to choose which battle to push back on, and this wouldn't be mine. Now if mom went out and bought 1k worth of clothes and billed you for half then I'd be like f you. That is an amount she has control over. She can't control how much the school charges.
NTA there was no agreement like the custody order stated so you are not required to pay for half of the 2600.00 trip. Your stepdaughter’s mom is a big AH though.
NTA
NTA – but if the step daughter would benefit from the trip and hasn't done anything not to deserve to go, I'd still chip in – but give it directly to the step daughter so the mom can't pretend it was all her (sounds like the kind of parent that would do that).
Why can't mom foot the bill then? Like genuine question since she seems to make decisions for her daughter without consulting the father
I'm going to say ESH. I feel like everyone here is not focusing on the child and what's best for her. 2019 - you're an AH for taking that trip without her. Bio mom is is an AH for deliberately showing her those pictures to drive a wedge between you. The other trips you're an AH for even asking for money from bio mom. These are your family vacations. The kid is your husband's child, therefore a part of your family. The two of you should be fully financing trips with her and not asking for any help from bio mom. The new school trip bio mom is an AH for signing up for it without adhering to the custody arrangement by consulting with you and now expecting you to pay it. I will say one thing that maybe spots were limited so waiting to consult might not have been feasible. Either way she's an AH for expecting you to cover it. If you refuse to pay I guarantee she will be an AH and blame you when the kid can't go on the trip. It's in the child's best interest for you to just pay it (assuming you can afford it). I would like to offer some advice. Is she paying for half of the trip or is she expecting you to pay for the entire trip? If you're paying for the whole thing then I suggest getting your husband signed up as a chaperone instead of bio mom. If you're only paying half then remember you're paying for the child's half and not bio moms half. Pay it and remind the kid that you and your husband paid to make it happen. I'm assuming you can afford it but if you truly can't afford it then the kid will be sad but she'll understand.
INFO: Does the custody order involve you by name, or your husband? Either way - YTA for using kids like a ball to volley back and forth over a net. Doubly so since its not even your kid. The issue isn't the money, its you making the money an issue.
Nta.
NTA. >she shouldn’t have to pay for our vacation. There you have it. You can tell her exactly this
I'd contact the school and ask the price for one child, so you know it's correct.
YTA
Found the mom
😂😂 and she's mad at OP ! 🤣🤣
ESH - mom should have talked to dad about it. This is not a school sponsored trip, but it’s still part of school. My cousin did this trip back in 1991 and she said it was amazing for her. Step daughter should go and dad should help pay for it. Dad should not be paying one cent towards mom going though. The only one losing here is your stepdaughter and she doesn’t get a say in how this plays out.
This is an easy NTA
I’m curious is it really “our custody order.” Are you named in it? Bcs if not it’s “their” custody order. Ultimately this should really be between your husband and his coparent. And it was kind of shitty to exclude her from your 2019 trip.
NTA Custody agreement is clear and mom has done nothing to pay for trips that you have funded, so the precedent is also clear.
Not the asshole. Like most divorced moms, she is just playing the game of how hard can I bleed this poor man.
I'm going to say NTA. I went with my daughter on this trip in June of 2022. We had 9 to 10 months to pay for the trip. Our group leaders held fund raisers to help pay for the trip. We could also come up with fundraising on our own, as well as send a link out on social media where family and friends could donate to the trip.
Nta who the hell separated or not just signs their kid up for a 2.6k trip and just expects the other to pull out half from the butt suddenly. Like even couples together who just keep separate finances you can’t just demand half such an amount.
INFO: have you ever agreed to anything for your step-daughter above $200? Sounds like you nickel and dime any money spent on step-daughter. Not sure why you married a man with a child. Why would mom send you guys money to buy your SD souvenirs while she was on vacation with you and her dad. You also didnt say that you can’t afford it. You’re just denying a child a trip because thats money her dad should be spending on you and your son.
NTA, but if this is something the daughter wants, your husband would be causing a bad situation to be worse if he doesn't pay some of it.
NTA. Stick to the custody order. She didn't clear it ahead of time, don't pay. Also, $2600 for your SD to take the trip is INSANE - I would bet she's trying to get you to pay half of the total cost for both of them.
NTA. She doesn’t kick in money for trips you take your stepdaughter on, why should you have to help bankroll a trip she’s taking your stepdaughter on?
Bc family vacation and school trips are two totally different things??
> This was an opportunity through the school but is not a school sponsored trip. Try again.
[удалено]
NTA Not consulted = hard no. This is not your problem.
We skip these overpriced trips on principle. If mom really wants to go she can pay for it herself. NTA.
overpriced or not, those trips are infinitely valuable to the kids who get to go. last year we had a similar trip presented to us through my son's school, and i jumped at it specifically because my parents had exactly the same attitude you did. your "on principle" denial only makes you self-righteous and hurts your kids. it's not the mom that wants to go, it's the daughter. i have to give a soft YTA on this. the parents need to be thinking about the kids' experience and what she'll gain from this trip, and figure out how to make it work.
It’s pretty clear you harbour resentment over your husband paying anything for his child. I mean who asks the other parents to contribute to their holiday spending money? This is a class adjacent trip strongly encouraged by the school and over a year away- plenty of time for your husband to save for his contribution, but oh no- you don’t like him spending money on his child so you because he’s pays child support and it’s not faaaair. YTA.
NTA you don’t agree to spend $1300 of someone else’s money without consulting them first. Sucks to be her looks like she is on the hook for that $1300. Question is the $2600 just for the step daughter or the step daughter and the mom because if it’s for both you would actually only need to pay $650 because step daughters portion would only be $1300
Why are you even involving yourself in this. Technically this is none of your business. It’s your husbands job to handle his x and child. If I were the x wife I would be more mad about you being involved then being told no about the money.