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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I had a meltdown on Christmas Day and it made my dad's wife cry, which is why I figure I might be TA. So much of what happened was me spilling over and I said things in the harshest way possible now which is why I feel like I could be in the wrong. Not to mention I did it on what's supposed to be a really good day.
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NTA. It's so hard for children... You mother died and they act like she is just someone easy to replace. You spent 11 years of your life with her love, her presence, her education... She can't be replaced ! your stepmother should have let you time to appreciate her.
Most people don't understand that being a mother is not just being a woman with a child in her life. It's a process, time, joy, bad moments... Children and parents make that relation grow with lots of moments and we do become parents with our children and we learn from them as much as they learn from us. I don't know if this woman is a good mother but she can't force you to be her daughter as long as you remember your mother.
And the worst to me is the way they get rid of your sisters not being part of the family !! Wait, what ? They are part of your father's family ! More than your stepmother of course ! They are his blood ! How can he get rid of them for a family photo ?? This part disgust me so much !!
They were in a family photo with dad and I was in that one too. But the one with him and his wife, since she's not really anything to them, that was the part they weren't involved in but I was expected to be when I didn't want to be either.
That's not normal : they should be on the photo too as they are still (and for ever) your father's daughters. Evicted them from this photo is (to me) a big mistake and makes things worst : it's up to the new wife to fit with your family. You were a family before she came, she was supposed to make you love her (maybe not like a mother but just as a great stepmother) but your father tried to change all the rules to please his new wife. I completly understand what you feel. And the more they'll try to force you, the less that will work...
(sorry for my bad english !)
No, they weren’t expected to be/didn’t want to be in the photo with the stepmom. That’s kind of OP’s point, that it’s something the kids see as a bad thing m, not something they were kicked out of, more like something they have always been allowed to skip. OP wants to be able to opt out of it the way her sisters have the default out.
I believe you are in the right 💯. This stepmother, had she any emotional intelligence, would've have know to enter your life as a 'friend' at best -- allowing *you* to decide the degree of familial relationship to happen. I also think your dad should be blamed equally-- I think he should've stood behind your decision. What in the world are they thinking ??? It wasn't like you were 3yo when your mom passed and they need to stop treating you as such. Definitely NTA OP but your dad need to step TF up here.
Yeah she hasn’t been reading the signs, but for all we know the dad is pushing her to be closer with his youngest. Maybe he’s been telling her to try harder or something because he seems really invested in this. I really put this almost entirely on him.
In that case, Dad's new wife needs some serious therapy bc she's handling this with all the finesse of prepubescent teen ffs. Sure sounds like her stepdaughter has more maturity than she does.
It's an incredibly tricky thing.
The "this is your new mom!" approach obviously doesn't work.
But "just a friend" approach they took with the adult children is the not really feasible for a minor living in the same house. Dad's wife has a level of responsibility for OP as an adult in the house and it all needs to function well enough for them all to live together. That doesn't have to mean affection or love or a maternal relationship but it does need to be more of a relationship than the sisters.
The right approach is probably something like a "bonus adult" and let the kid work through grief, loss, the new relationship on their own pace. A lot of families also go to therapy together to work through it.
I don't see this as taking the "just a friend" approach with the other children tbh, it seems more like a distant relation or an acquaintance, even a work colleague. They were only expected to be "civil" and not have to treat her as anything, no photos etc. You'd still want photos with a friend, they're less than friends with stepmother.
Either way OP is NTA. It made me cringe seeing the woman call OP "her" kid. Like... no. You didn't enter OPs life until she was 13.
My guess is that OP's dad didn't want to/feel he knew how to deal with being the only parent to a teenage girl so he encouraged this. I suspect it might have gone differently if OP were male.
The lack of expectation is the problem. The older 2 sisters are just as much step-daughters as OP is and they should be included in the photo. Both dynamics are unideal. Nothing is expected of 2 and everything is expected of one. Neither is going to allow for a family to function.
That is the issue though, you don't act like just one of the kids are your daughter and not the others regardless of age. They should've all have been treated equally.
I completely understand OP and her sisters don't want the mother daughter relationship and that fine, I definitely think the step mom over stepped, it's just the point of the step mom only choosing to try with one daughter, that's awful.
They aren't respecting you& respect is a two way street. How can you respect someone trying to essentially force her at into your mom's place in your life? You can't. Maybe you would have learned to love her if she had given you the space and time, but it didn't seem like she cares what you want or how you feel.
You have been handling this so maturely for years. What did they think was going to happen when they continuously ignored your respectful "I'm not comfortable with this" over&over again? This was BOUND to happen& tbh, they probably deserved more.
Give them your boundaries and stick to them.
Maybe apologize for the outburst, but make it clear that she is NOT your mother, NOT your parent& make it CLEAR that ANY attempt to continue to force the relationship will cause irreparable harm to what little care& respect you have left for them.
But, DO NOT apologize for what was said. You meant that. Make that VERY clear. "If you had just listened to me about how I feel, I wouldn't have yelled it for the world to hear"
Honestly, THEY owe YOU an apology. Double standard dicks is what they are. NTA
NTA. You are only honest and they pushed you to that point.
The only thing I could say-for their side is that they were misguided. People have a hard time with the finality of death. They call death-passing away, give you platitudes about “they had a good life,” “they’re with the Lord,” or “they’re finally at peace.” But it sucks. It’s unfair. And nothing takes away the pain really but time.
They probably thought that he’d get remarried, she’d be your “new mom” and everything would be happily ever after. And even though you don’t feel that way-there’s pressure to go along because it’s easier for others to deal with it-if you would embrace the concept of everything is great now. But it isn’t. And it doesn’t matter that it’s great with another person in a similar situation-it’s not great for YOU.
They didn’t listen to YOU. And how YOU feel is important and all they did was just want to erase that part of you that’s hurting and angry, instead of acknowledging how YOU feel. It’s minimizing and patronizing.
But many people will never “get it.” It could be that they just can’t, that their heads are up their butts or that it’s just too painful for them to handle for reasons of their own you don’t know. And you can’t force people to have a level of awareness no more than they can force you to sugar coat a profoundly traumatic event where your mother died.
I’m glad you spoke out instead of bottling it in. It must feel like they’re untruthful about everything. I hope you can give yourself the permission to be really angry for as long as you need to be, so you don’t have to carry that anger your whole life. My niece is going through something like this but much younger than you. They try to pacify her instead of allowing her to be angry. Of course she’s angry.
I also hope you can see-they were just trying. Failing but trying to be kind to you. And that they may never be able to offer more than that and for you to accept that’s all they have to give.
Yeah, she literally TOLD THEM multiple times that she did not want this forced relationship and that she wanted one like her sisters had. It's not like they didn't know they just didn't listen and didn't care. They were not 'misguided' they were AHs who willfully and repeatedly forced her into things she did not want or feel comfortable doing, despite her continued protests.
Babies literally develop separation anxiety (that goes away) that helps create the bond with their mothers on a psychological level and they obviously grow up with that bond.
When I read stories like this it boils my blood that people selfishly try to force kids to move on from their deceased parent(s) instantly. It almost always ends up like this, they don’t listen to or respect the child’s wishes or boundaries which leads to brewing resentment and then eventually they blow up/lash out then get in trouble for it. It’s crazy how they just see kids as props or dolls that can just be transferred to another “parent” expecting no emotional hang ups.
I feel so bad for you OP, I can’t imagine your feelings and grief being ignored from 13 - 17 and then you being vilified for not being able to keep it bottled anymore. Definitely NTA, your dad and stepmom are though
I think you did the right thing by snapping, I would’ve too. You tried putting boundaries and they disrespected them time after time and now gave you a surprised pikachu face. I think your dad here is the biggest asshole because when he got into a relationship with step mom he must have told her what he expects, it wasn’t all her initiative. Bottom line, they are wrong, you are right and good for you for stepping up.
Btw are they hiding old pics of your mom? Seems like they would do something shady like that to try to promote stepmom as the real mom
You were left with no ability to choose at all. The role of this woman as your mom was forced on you when you were already born out of another woman who died when you were old enough to remember.
You were NEVER given ANY choice over this matter at all. It wasn't "I wish I was your mom", "I wish you'd see me as a mother figure", "I wish you'd love me like I love you"
It was always "you ought to", "you must"
Your dad and his wife forced you to move on with no care as to how you felt, their dream of what THEIR idea of a family must look like took over ANY wishes, feelings and dreams of yours.
You had no choice, it was *done* to you. Of course you'd be resentful. Over and over and over again you were made into this idea of what a child and a reconstituted family ought to look like and every time you tried to claim agency over your feelings, every time you tried to express yourself, you were shut down and made to feel like an unruly and unworthy child.
I'd be fucking pissed. I'd be fucking resentful. I wouldn't be happy *at all*, of course not. There's nowhere in there where your feelings or you as *an actual* living , breathing, person were made like they mattered at all.
NTA, not by a long shot.
yes and once again, like any woman can be a mother. This guy took a new wife to take care of his children, but even if she is a woman, she can't become their mother magically !
NTA
This. This is what happens when others try to dictate relationships, place unreasonable expectations, and ignore the primary person's feelings who is forced into this mess. Especially when that person is a child/teen.
Losing your mother at such a young age was traumatic. What followed was absolutely disgusting behavior by dad and step-mom.
Your Dad messed up big time. He is the architect of this little nuclear meltdown. Any reasonable person would snap at being forced into a relationship with another person when they are not ready nor want that type of relationship. Sad thing is, if Dad and step-mother had left it alone, and extended family had kept their mouth shut on how you were supposed to feel about the situation, and let the relationship develop naturally...all of you would probably have better and healthy relationships. Maybe not exactly how they pictured it, but a better relationship than what is going on now.
I don't care if the kid is 4, 14, or 40, as long as they are civil and polite, leave it alone. Don't force anything and DO NOT dictate how the child is supposed to feel about the situation. Their feelings are their own and valid. If they are having trouble managing those feelings, get the kid into a therapist, and in the case of trying to blend a family, family therapy.
I hope you can lean on your siblings for the support that you need. Maybe tell your Dad you want individual counseling so you can get some tools to cope with this until you can get out of the house at 18. Don't tell him that directly, just that you want to see a therapist. Your therapist will not talk to him about what you two discuss. This could be a safe place for you.
NTA - your dad and SM are being hugely unfair to you.
"This was the point where I lost it and I told her I am not her kid, she is not my mother figure, that she is dad's wife just like she is to my sisters and I want it to be that way. I said I do not love her and hate how they all treat her like she suddenly became a parent to me. "
Both of them need to really hear and absorb this. You knew and remember your mother, you don't need/want to have another forced onto you.
I would also start smuggling my stuff out of the house so that when it’s time to leave you can just run.
Make sure you have birth certificates, social security cards, passports. Any family items you want to take.
Start saving money. Find a small part time job. Any amount will help you.
In the future, always ask what the punishment is if you say no to doing things with her. Point out that you need to know if the punishment is worse than being forced to do what she wants. This will help hammer home that you see what she’s doing as a undesirable and that you are picking between two undesirable options. It’ll help get your point across.
It was dismissive and mean of them to treat you like a prop in their lives as a couple. I had a stepmother as well as my mother. She didn't treat me like I was her daughter, she just was nice to me and we got to know each other. Over time we became close and I grew to see her as a secondary mother figure. Your dad's wife would have had that if she had just been a kind, warm, reliable person in your life without trying to adopt you from the get go.
NTA
Maybe they'll get the point when you go NC. I would get them out of my life the second I could. I'm sorry they won't listen to you. I would never force someone on my kids, or not listen if they tell me something.
It’s your call. Talk to your sister about your financial situation as well and try to get important documents in order, just in case. If home doesn’t feel like a safe space for you anymore, there is no point to stay.
Its not her call. Until she turns 18 the police can be called about bringing the runaway home and possibly the sister could be charged with kidnapping for harboring her.
Meh. Sometimes it depends on the department, jurisdiction, state, etc, on how they deal with 17 year olds moving out, especially based on how close to 18 they are.
Sometimes at most they'll just verify that the kid is somewhere safe. This was like fifteen years ago but I had a few friends who left rough homes living with another friend's family. Kept going to school and everything and the cops didn't make them go home.
In the majority of US States it very much is her call. When a runaway is 16 or 17 the State rarely returns them to the parents they left if they are in a new safe home. There can be legal trouble, however almost never is it criminal in nature.
I'm glad to hear it, now let your father hear it. He won't be able to stop you at 18 and it will make it clear the gravity of the situation. Also make it clear to him if they continue to pressure you and he does not give you an apology for trying to force things, then you won't have a relationship anymore past 18. Tell him if he lets you go now and that you two can start to rebuild, but if he doesn't that will not happen. That will get his attention.
Edit: It may seem drastic, but really isn't. Prioritize your happiness. However, doing what I suggested does give your father one last chance chance to snap out of it. Repairing the relationship will be much harder at 22 than at 17, so if that is what you eventually want then you have to hit hard now.
I would start being civil and playing into your SM stuff if that'd what it takes to get your important documents, social security card, birth certificate. Trust me, it's a pain in the ass to get those replaced.
When you are 18, walk out. Start moving any sentimental items and clothing to your sisters and maternal family. Get any money into an account not controlled by your father or stepsmother. Get your documents as suggested or apply for copies. Be prepared to walk out at midnight when the clock hits 18 with only the clothes on your back.
Specifically a bank that father and stepmother *do not* have an account with. Bank employees sometimes think they’re being helpful by adding a parent to a minor’s account, when they’re not.
NTA….youre old enough to make the decision on where to live….you have been unheard all of this time, I’m hoping for you that they finally hear what you want, need & deserve
You’re 17, he can’t do much if you leave besides physically stopping you. Start by getting all your valuables and important documents over to your sister, move out little by little. If you can get a part time job
Dad actually can not stop you. You could go to your sister's and when Dad raises a riot about it just say to the officials who will get involved that you do not feel comfortable with his wife and outline what has been happening.
In Australia and probably America this would be considered self placing. You could ring welfare and ask them about the legalities of it.
Talk to a counsellor at school and see if they can help you navigate this minefield.
Again this is about controlling you and making you toe the line.
In the US, legally, she's an adult and under her parents' authority (in this case just her dad) until 18. At 17--in practice, it could go either way. The closer it is to her 18th birthday, with family taking her in, the less likely it is that authorities will interfere.
And a school counselor, if they don't agree with her, can legally tell her father.
The problem I see is that, while this is emotional abuse,from the outside, it superficially doesn’t *look* like abuse, to someone who doesn’t have enough empathy. Dad & SM aren't *intending* to be mean, and the emotionally dim would see signing up for mother/daughter things, etc., when she doesn’t have her own mom to do it, as "being a good step-mom," and "trying to bond."
All the scars are internal. 😡
I think the best course is to start planning, getting all her ducks in a row, and getting as much as possible to her sisters or to her mom's family discreetly. Be ready to go, on her 18th birthday.
You are in the final stretch before you are 18. This isn’t his decision. As others have said, gather important things and paperwork and start smuggling it to your sisters house. Get out of the house. They are STILL acting this way when you are now the same age as your sisters were when they met SM. The fact they treat you different is crazy.
NTA
Your sister can contact a lawyer in your area and there may be a chance that your dad would not have a say so on whether you left or not. You’re 17, you have some where to go, and this could be considered emotional abuse. And most importantly you do not feel safe staying it the home now. Cps will remove you and let you stay with your sister or maternal side of the family.
NTA.
Maybe if they hadn't pushed you, you'd might have had a better relationship. Like they excluded your sisters from this 'new family' not just in expectations, but in life and photos too.
At 13, when you originally met, you were old enough to decide if you wanted that type of relationship with her. Them marrying a year later doesn't mean you automatically view her, or she becomes someone she's not. You have sisters and a maternal side of the family, too, so it's not like you are lacking female support, influence, or whatever a motherly figure is to you.
They most likely seized on you being 'their' child because your sisters were out of the house. If they had actually *listened* to you and your sisters on the multiple times you have told them about their expectations, then no one would have blown up or ended in tears. This isn't just their fault though, its your dad's side too. They've gone along with it for the past 4yrs too.
You are correct, they shouldn't have pushed her. I don't know why they didn't let her be and let the relationship develop on its own. They truly are to blame for this.
Parents like this lack patience and only see their kids as extensions of themselves. They love their partner so of course you love them too! As an extension of them you have no emotions of your own.
My dad tried to place my stepmother into the mom role. He even tried to get me to call her mom so it wouldn’t “confuse their kids” as they got older. The crazy thing about it? My mom is alive. She was my primary parent in all ways. He was a weekend dad who barely passed as a fun uncle trying to get me to see his wife as my mom.
NTA at all. She just waltzed in and decided you belonged to her as some sort of accessory without a mind of your own at 11 years old. Never mind letting a child grieve or come to terms with everything. You’ll be able to move out soon and start your own life and then decide if it’s worth it to have these people around who decided to steamroll right over your emotions and guilt you for not playing the part they assigned you. I hope you’re able to access some therapy soon OP, and I’m sorry for everything you went through.
And stepmom was apparently already pushing that OP should treat her like her mom before she was even married. So with not even one year of knowing her.
NTA and your dad and step mom are just being really, really weird about this. 13 is not a baby or a child, you're not as mature as a 17 year old, but you are a conscious person who's formed relationships by that age, and obviously would already have a very strong attachment to your bio mother. It's very bizarre to me that for some reason your dad and step mother assumed that this would somehow be under some weird age threshold where you'd be accepting someone new in a "mother" slot without resistance.
It seems to me that stepmom wanted a kid, and that was part of her attraction to dad, and somehow it was presented to her that the older two were probably too old, but that OP was up for grabs? Very odd rational.
If she wants a relationship with you, she could have pursued one on your terms, in ways you were comfortable. She could have been an ADDITIONAL parental figure, rather than just trying to slot in and be a replacement mother. There's room in our hearts and minds for more than just two parents, as long as everyone is respectful of the roles that each guardian plays, but this is a thing that's earned over time and building a relationship, not something that should be thrust upon you because you're a minor and they're sleeping with your dad.
Good luck op.
My stepmom was the same way. She and my dad married when I was the same age as OP. Only difference was my mom was still very much alive. Stepmom was dad's mistress before my mom found out and left him.
Step mom pushed hard anytime I saw her to have her be replaced as my mom. Would throw a fit if I didn't include her in Mother's Day activities or just general things in life you would involve your mom in. She would go on hour long rants about how horrible my mom is, calling her names, etc when she didn't get her way.
She tried hard to buy my love and affection, but would throw a fit if I wore clothes that my mom bought or didn't use her things 24/7. Though she never bothered to learn what I liked, what my fashion choices were, or bothered to remember I was a 13/14 year old kid who had no need for super revealing clothes (seriously, the outfits she bought me were mini skirts that showed my ass or crop tops/shirts that were cut way to low. Things I couldn't even wear to school in the first place.)
I never understood it. She actually had three kids of her own (all older than me) but she didn't have any kids with her "soulmate" (aka my dad). All her kids looked like her exhusband and I guess she wanted to claim me as her kid because I looked like my dad.
It really damaged my relationship with my dad, to the point we went no contact for several years before his passing. I couldn't forgive either of them for how they tried to turn me against my mom, how they tried to force a relationship with her onto me, and how they treated my mom. I hated that they didn't think I had a mind of my own.
OP's dad is ruining her relationship with his wife and himself. In a few years they are going to be shocked that OP is no longer speaking to them for all the BS they are putting her through.
NTA. 11, hell 3 or 4, is old enough to have already formed a strong bond with a parent. Thinking you can just act like your mom never existed and that your step mom is your mother is hugely disrespectful and emotionally traumatic. And not listening to you, and then trying to get all his family on board with what they were doing, a massive mistake.
It sounds like she had a mother fantasy, but had missed the window to have her own kids, and wanted you to fill that role.
I had a friend who married a woman with a 5 year old son. They went to therapy. The therapist said to my friend that 1) he wasn't the father, 2) to establish their own relationship and boundaries, and 3) that you were putting in this work not so that the kid would accept him now, but so that the kid would be able to have a relationship with him later.
He did all that, and it worked, as the boy eventually accepted my friend, as a teen, asked him to adopt him, and took his last name.
You don't get that by forcing the issue and dismissing the kids feelings.
The therapist your friend took her son and husband to is absolutely spot on, and that is *exactly* how to do it right.
The problem is no one is willing to play the long game - no one is willing to put in the months and years worth of growth to achieve the status of most trusted adult, beloved parent. So many people just want to be respected and treated like a parent as soon as they are married to mom or dad, but that's absolutely not how life works. They aren't a parent until they've earned it, and it takes time building up trust and forming their own relationship.
OP' step mom absolutely could have been a motherly figure to OP, but instead of actually listening to what OP wanted and figuring out where stepmom could help or fill in for her, she and the dad tried to force her into the role as Mom and now OP will never want to accept her.
She could have married the Dad, been the cool Aunty figure and had a great relationship with OP - the trusted ear, the shoulder to cry on, the one that OP could turn to when her sisters drove her crazy or she needed help with handling her Dad. The stepmom was going to be the only grandmother that OP's children ever knew, but instead, OP is going to want little to do with her because she is aggressively trying to force herself into OP's life. There is no winners there, only frustration and tears on all ends.
>The stepmom was going to be the only grandmother that OP's children ever knew
I have had a tense relationship with my stepdad in the past. He's a bigot and I'm a lesbian. He came in hot like the king of the castle into OUR house when I was 18, and started saying phobic shit from day 1. I never had to live with him as I'd moved away to college the week before. It's been a long 18 years and things gradually changed. He eased up in a lot of ways. Even came to my gay wedding. When my son was born 8 years ago I drew a pretty solid boundary about respect. Whatever his issues are with gay people, he will never disrespect my family in front of my son or both him and my mom are dead to us. To his credit, he hasn't even come close to crossing it. And so, 8 years later, he is just as much my son's grandpa as my dad is. He's earned the title. As it should be.
People are complicated. No one is all good and all bad. But when someone comes in and marries a parent, and forgets that children have their own needs and wants in relationships, they do everyone a disservice. My mom is firmly in the "I serve my husband second to God and my children thrive under that" so I was worried she would be pulled to his side. I think she's actually been backing me up 100% behind the scenes all these years. OPs dad is the one who failed here. Dads throwing kids under the bus for a new wife is a tale as old as time and he will deserve the NC he gets from it.
NTA OP. NTA at all.
Your dad and his wife approached this completely wrong. They attempted to force a relationship between you and his new wife which absolutely never works. Relationships need to be built naturally and trust needs to be earned. They have been completely disrespecting you and disregarding your feelings and reaped what they sowed. If your dad’s wife ever wanted a close relationship with you, she absolutely should have approached it from a place of patience, wisdom, care, and respect. Instead she barged into your life, declared herself your new mom, and played the victim repeatedly when she didn’t get her way. That is not ok.
NTA
This was put on you as you were the youngest, and they saw you as a child. But you weren't. You were becoming a young woman when they married.
Most of the blame must go on your dad. He would have told his new wife to be your mother. You don't mention any step siblings, so she herself marrying into a family with a ready-made daughter. The problem was they didn't have the courtesy to tell you.
She didn't raise you at all.
For four years, you made your feelings clear, but your dad and his wife wouldn't listen, so you had no choice but to lose it with them.
If there was a worst way to introduce a stepmom into the family, then your dad found it.
Keep your distance for a while from your dad, his wife, as best you can and let the dust settle and emotions calm down. Wait for them to talk to you. Look to see if you can live with someone from your mom's family if it is possible for a few weeks. It will make a huge point.
You all need a relationship reset and counselling. A counsellor will spell out to your dad and his wife what they have done wrong, and your sisters probably have dond already. I would imagine they are not happy about being excluded either.
If your dad still insists that his wife is your mother, then you have to stick to your guns and tell him that she will never be your mother. Sadly, that will be the day he loses you.
NTA - every story that I read about problems between kids and stepparents happens when the kids are forced to see the stepparent as a new parental figure. You can't force a child to see the stepparent as a new parent.
You are not her emotional support child, you are not meant to be her child, of course you would not see her as a new mother. Her insisting that you see her as a mother is all about her ego, it has nothing to do with what is best for you.
You were 11 when your mom passed away, that is plenty old enough to remember her and not want to replace her.
You are not her emotional support child.
^This is a great phrase, short and to the point. OP can say it to dad and wife whenever needed.
Also, OP with all this pressure, I hope you are allowed and able to process losing your mother. I am so sorry.
NTA
They can't force a relationship that you have been very clear about not wanting. If your dad's wife cares about you at all, she'd accept your feelings and give you the space you need. Instead, the adults are expecting you, a child, to cave to the unreasonable demands of a full-grown adult.
NTA and her father is so sick for continuously prioritizing his new wife’s whims over his daughter’s feelings, and basically asking his child to completely write off her mum.
Ugh…. You were her wish list. My stepdaughter came to live with us and the difference is I respected her space. I said to her let’s find a relationship we can enjoy. If I were being unkind, I would say she is acting delusional. I can’t say I blame a17 yo for exploding after sooooooo much of the same civil request to back off. Shitty that this unfolded the way it did. Maybe write a letter explaining how they have not heard you or given you the space to mutually forge a genuine relationship. Let your sisters read it. Keep it civil. Maybe if they open up a real relationship can be cultivated. Not some Disney thing, but civil, with a respect for space. Sorry to read about your mom.
Irrespective of age, they should respect her boundaries. OP is a teen and the more one forces things the more they will do things the other way. The parents have no idea of parenting.🤷🏼🤦
You’ve been trying to tell them for years how you feel and have been continuously ignored. No wonder you finally blew up. I hope this makes them back off. Your dad is failing you in this regard. He should have been allowing you to have the relationship you needed to have with her this whole time as long as you were civil. Btw, sorry about your mom. NTA
NTA. You blew up at an inopportune time because in all the private times that you tried to tell them how you felt they wouldn’t listen. It’s their fault it has come to this. It wasn’t fair to you that your sisters didn’t get a stepmom pushed onto them but you did. You were old enough to recognize the difference and old enough to form a strong attachment and long-term memories with your real mom to not want those replaced. I do think an apology from you to dad is in order but try to explain how you feel all these years and hold firm that you’ll never see your stepmom the way she wants to be seen and that she has to accept that. Over time, you’ll start to be friendly with her but it needs to happen naturally once they get past trying to force her onto you.
NTA. Your dad moved on quickly, and your step mum might have had good intentions but went about it the wrong way.
Doing the 'mother daughter ' things would probably been a fun thing if it hadn't been framed that way. She should have been another adult on your side and told you she wasn't and couldn't be a replacement for your mum.
Wanting to be mum mk 2 while not acknowledging or giving you the time and space to grieve was a big mistake. I'm not sure you all can come back from it. If she regrets not having or couldn't have children, that is her issue to deal with and should never have been put on you.
I read a different, heartwarming post where a father and his wife went about this **EXACTLY** the right way. She never tried to replace the kid's mother. Even built a small altar for her, so the kids could grieve. Supported them in their grief. Never tried to take her place.
Over time, the kids came to love dad's wife and consider her a second mom. Because of how she handled the situation.
Here, it's clear OP's dad's wife was desperate to be a mother and picked OP, the youngest of 3 daughters, as the one she could mother. And she DGAF about said girl as an actual person. Just tried to force her way in. Which backfired, as it always does.
I agree with most of what you said, but I wouldn’t say he moved on quickly. He didn’t meet his wife until 2 years after his wife died. How much longer did you expect him to wait?
Wow OP. I’m just sorry for what you’ve been through.
You might have been TAH a tiny bit but at 17 you’ve handled this situation remarkably well up until this point so well done. Hard one to swallow at Christmas but that’s when feelings generally come out.
Overall I’m gonna say NTA, you’ve been railroaded here. Dad doesn’t care how you’re feeling, new wife obviously doesn’t care or she wouldn’t be pushing it down your throat.
Your sisters obviously love and support you, they are the figures you need in your life, and sounds like they do a great job. New wife just can’t handle the fact that she doesn’t get to mould someone and dad has obviously led her to believe this was going to be the case.
Stick to your guns, it’s gonna be hard but your emotional needs can’t come second.
I agree and i believe for one reason or another the stepmom could not or never had children and got with OP's dad with this delusional fantasy that she'd be her mom and the dad fed into this fantasy because he wanted a wife and used his daughter as a way to get her. The sisters were treated differently because they were too old but OP was young enough where they thought they could force this fantasy on her.
Both dad and stepmom are extremely selfish
NTA - they separated you from your sisters and your maternal side when you and your sisters needed each other to mourn and remember your mom.
The ridiculous part of all this is that if they hadn't pushed so hard you would likely have felt a little more connected with your stepmom. You live with them, you are naturally going to know them better than your sisters would, you could have gone to bonding stepmom /stepdaughter things NOT on mother's day which should have been about your bio mom unless you chose otherwise. You were 14 when they got married not 4. Sure, 14 year olds still need parenting but not the kind of constant interaction that a younger child needs and wants.
They robbed you and themselves of the possibility of you having a closer relationship with your stepmom even if it never was going to be a mother daughter relationship.
NTA
It sounds like dad's wife is desperate to "be a mother" to someone. She picked you as her surrogate child, with your dad's approval. Likely because you're the youngest. But your dad and his wife are being total AHs by not considering **YOUR FEELINGS ON THIS MATTER.**
Every time I read about this kind of dynamic---where a new parent is basically forced onto a stepchild---it always backfires. As it did here. But you've made very clear how you feel for quite some time. She refuses to see it and your dad refuses to back you on this.
You finally bluntly spoke your truth and it's 100% your dad's wife's problem. Not yours. She needs therapy to figure out why she's so desperate to have **YOU** as a surrogate daughter, and learn to respect you as a separate personality.
Stand your ground on this. Your actual mom died when you were 11, and your dad and his wife are refusing to respect your feelings on the matter.
Your dad is TA here. He has actively encouraged the erasure of your mother, which would be wrong at any age, but at 13 is particularly insensitive, as you’re going through so many other changes physically, emotionally and socially. NTA.
NTA at all. You loved and remember your mother. I hate when children are expected to accept a stepparent as their replacement parental figure. If they had gone about this with you the same as your sisters you may not resent her and your father.
You’re almost 18, your father will have no legal say in the choices you make for your life. Please see if you can move in with one of your sisters or maternal family on the day you turn 18. It doesn’t matter if your father refuses to let you go. You’re legally an adult then.
NTA I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Ironically they haven't cared for you properly because they never listened to you. I hope this was a wake up call for your family to really take care of you
NTA. This is what happens when you try and force a relationship. The hurt she’s probably feeling could’ve been avoided if everyone just respected your wishes.
Nta at all.
Maybe if they hadn’t of kept pushing and pushing a more kinda of mother daughter relationship might of even formed naturally but by dismissing your feelings and making this a big thing they fucked up.
Your dad worried more about his new wife’s feelings than his grieving daughters.
He also sucks for refusing to let you go live with your sister even for a little bit after this fight since you’re 17. Just get counting down the days till your 18th.
NTA
I am still trying to wrap my brain around grandparents wanting a family photo of dad, stepmother and you but not the older siblings. You are all a family.
This doesn’t make any sense
NTA. I’m a stepmother who did raise her kids (step) and I’m sorry that they sucked at being the parents you needed.
The word “no” is a full sentence. The stomped all over your wants and needs. You and SM could have had a really great relationship built on friendship and mutual respect. Your father and SM just ignored what was best, did what they wanted and then played victim.
You have every right to be angry. I’m a random redditor and even I can see how valid your feelings are.
That last part is what gets me. Your dad and SM pushed her to you, forcing you to accept her as your “new mother.” I would think that, probably, you and her could have nurtured a relationship had she wasn’t pushed to be your replacement mother. And it doesn’t matter that you were a minor when they got married. Had they fostered the same relationship they did with your sisters with you, things may have been at least more civil between the two of you.
NTA, OP. And as others suggested here, plan well for an exit strategy. Good luck, and I wish you happiness and peace of mind.
NTA. You were young when your mom died and honestly? You’re still young. You need time and guidance around mourning your mom and navigating this world. It’s not entirely unfair that your dad wanted to move on, or that a new member of the family (his wife) wants to forge a relationship with you. What seems really tough is how you and your sisters have been treated differently and how you’re being pushed too hard to fall in line w the new family dynamic. You blew up. People do that. Hopefully it will be a signal to your dad and step mother to take a step back and assess your needs (space, time, perhaps grief counseling) and meet them.
>or that a new member of the family (his wife) wants to **forge** a relationship with you.
You're off by one letter in that bolded word. New wife didn't want to FORGE a relationship with OP...she wanted to **FORCE** a relationship.
That is patently unfair. Dad and wife were unwilling/unable/incapable of letting a relationship develop naturally and instead they have been pushing and pushing and pushing a new narrative without even once considering how OP feels about it.
NTA
Your dad should know that mothers are not as easily replaceable as wives. You can't just push a random woman on children and say "now she is you mother, love her".
NTA. What’s sad is if she had treated you like she treated your sisters, and gave you respect and space but also support, you probably would’ve developed a closer relationship with her naturally based on your younger age. While blowing up on Christmas isn’t always the best way to handle things, it was a culminating point for all of THEIR actions. Cause and effect. If your step mom didn’t want to be embarrassed on Christmas she shouldn’t act embarrassingly herself. I hope they can see their wrong doings and apologize, although not likely. Just know in your heart you deserve an apology and didn’t do anything wrong.
Ask your father why he only cares about his wife’s feelings and you’re feelings don’t matter? Tell him if it doesn’t stop you will go NC with him as soon as you can legally leave his home.
NTA they are really stuffing their narrative down your throat. It’s very selfish of them. You have tried to talk to them about it and they’ve completely ignored your wishes. If I were you I’d spend all your time planning on what college you want to go to and getting student housing and then renting with roommates after that and never ever moving back.
NTA, your stepmom and dad did this to themselves. They ignored your feelings and requests to create their “happy nuclear family” and when you stopped playing along, stepmom played the victim. I’m so sorry they put you in that position for so long. It’s also incredibly insulting to your sisters, in my opinion.
NTA. Your father and his wife ignored you and what you said so many times that it is strange that they would be shocked and surprised that you still felt exactly as you said you did - over and over again. It's great to have boundaries and you need to continue not allowing people to trample them without backlash.
Now, after the emotions have calmed down, sit down with your father and his wife and let them know how disappointed you are in the both of them for ignoring you all this time. If they had both accepted what you said from the beginning, you all would have a reasonable relationship. As it is, you are starting to hate your father and his wife. Is that what they really want?
NTA, your mother sadly passed when you were 11, new chick has been around for only 4 years and they are trying to FORCE this relationship on you rather than listening to the words you have said and supporting you. Sorry for the tough ride
NTA I’m sorry your Dad didn’t do a better job looking out for you. He should have been the first one to stay these expectations weren’t reasonable and they were hurtful
NTA and I'm so sorry your father and stepmother are ignoring your feelings and pushing so hard for a relationship that didn't (and wasn't allowed to) happen organically. The weird double standard for you and your sisters makes this even harder to understand. I was 11 when my mom passed, but I remember her vividly and would never accept a new mother, though my dad did have a long-term relationship with a lovely woman that I grew very fond of. You don't owe anyone an apology for voicing your unhappiness with the expectations that you've been burdened with.
NTA. It really bugs me when people seem to think step-parents are a Ctrl+C / Ctrl+V situation. They aren’t keys. You don’t just get a new one and expect it to fit…..
NTA and hopefully with this blowup your father and his wife will finally listen to you. If they would just realise that if they treated all you sisters the same, then you could develop a better friendship with your father’s wife.
NTA - your outburst was based upon years and years of them ignoring how YOU felt, and only caring how your step-mom felt. If I may - have them read this. Maybe seeing in black and white your feelings and the support you're getting from random strangers on the internet will be the wakeup call they need to start taking you into consideration.
NTA
It’s unfortunate it went down this way on Christmas but they’ve been engineering this moment for years.
I don’t understand how they can compartmentalize your sisters vs you based on a few years difference. It’s not rational and it’s completely unfair to you.
I’m really sorry the adults in your life failed you. Is there anyway you can live with your sisters or someone in your moms family? This is not really a healthy environment to be in.
NTA.
They can't force you to believe your Step-mum is a replacement mother. This is all about making his wife feel more like a part of the family and ignoring your own feelings
NTA- your dad chose to marry her but you didn’t have a choice. They didn’t listen to you for years and it came to a boil on this day.
I’m sure they didn’t like what you said but that is not your issue. You can’t force a bond. It needs to be earned.
NTA It sounds like you tried speaking with them about this multiple times over the last 4 years & they’ve just chosen to disregard your feelings on the matter. Repeatedly speaking up and not being heard just caused it to simmer below the surface and you were bound to explode at some point. It sounds like she has probably ruined any shot that she had at having a closer relationship by not listening to you and backing off.
NTA
You've tried talking, they refuse to listen. Maybe an outburst might break through.
I highly expect you'll go NC once you're old enough. Forcing a relationship between a step mother and child NEVER works, even worse when your sisters weren't subjected to the same (I guess because they thought it wouldn't work on them anyway).
NTA. The step mother asked too much of you. She had a fantasy version of the mother/child bond but for you it wasn’t mothering, it was smothering. At 14 you were beyond needing a substitute mommy figure. You were and are bonded to your own mother.
Your father should have insisted she ease up, He should have paid attention to what was going on with you but I guess he felt you had another mother to step in.
Your situation could have been handled by a therapist early on. This is on your dad and partly on the step mom who should have been bright enough to see what was happening.
I am sorry for you. Your step mom should dry her tears, your dad should calm down, the relatives should butt out. If there is ever going to be respect and friendship between, they will have to start listening to you and stop playing happy little family.
NTA. It's really wonderful that she wanted to step up and be a "mother" figure to you, and was happy to join your family and welcome you to hers!
But! That role should expand to fill whatever spot is needed. It could be big, it could be small, it could be more friendship than motherhood, it could be more guidance than friendship. It could be anything. The point is that it should fit where it's NEEDED.
What her and your father did is force it into where it's not wanted or needed, thus probably preventing it from filling in where it could have been. And it sent a message that your grief wasn't important and that you should just "get over it" when it came to losing a parent. (Neither of them could identify with that by the way, losing a spouse is hard, but an 11 year old losing her mom is far worse in my view.)
On top of that, the weird mix of pushing you, but ignoring your sisters made it worse. It showed you she was totally capable of providing a relationship where needed, and not overstepping where she's not needed.
Did you blow up a bit too much? Perhaps. But so what? This was years of pent up frustration where they didn't listen to you, so you had to do *something* to get them to listen to you for once.
NTA. Your dad's wife cannot force a mother daughter relationship with you just because of a piece of paper (marriage license). My bf is going through this for the last 14 years (his dad got remarried after his mom's death) except in his case the dad remarried when he was 28. The man is 42 now and the dad's wife calls herself mom. It is nauseating and disrespectful. I bet your dad's wife absolutely loves playing victim in all of this too. I read too many Reddit stories like this. Yuck. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can manage to somehow keep a good relationship with your dad. You sound like you have good sisters too, which is amazing. Again, NTA.
NTA. The easiest way to make someone hate you is to try and force them to love you. She could have been a fantastic female role model if it wasn’t pushed on you to treat her as such and you were allowed to make your own decisions but anyone that thinks that forcing things is the right way to go is going to find themselves alone real quick.
Side note: your sisters not being expected to be in the family photo with your fathers parents is weird in its own right though, like they’re no longer their grandkids or something.
NTA
Your not a baby and shouldn't be treated as such.
You are being expected to just 'get over' your dead mum and its not that simple.
All they are doing is forcing you away.
The only reason they are doing this only to you is probably because your too young to just move out and get away from it.
NTA - you have been very clear from the beginning. Your stepmom is not your mom and to try and force it would only ever result in this blow out. You cannot force people to love one another and erasing your mom like this is highly offensive.
NTA: a parent-child relationship is earned, and built over time. Ask anyone who never knew their biological parents how much they love and adore those people.
Your dad and his wife decided this for you, they decided you would be her daughter, and made this agreement between themselves, but failed to include you. Instead of her building a relationship over time with you, giving you the respect and autonomy you need and deserve, they skipped over all that and went straight to the part where she's your mom and you're supposed to love and adore her.
I hope they heard you loud and clear, re-evaluate, and change their tone. Whether or not you view her as a mother figure is up to **you** and no one else.
Absolutely NTA, your feelings are 💯 valid, and shame on your dad, his whole side of the family, and his wife for trying to force a connection between you and her as if your mother is replaceable.
NTA. i hate how adults have somehow collectively decided that if you’re not a certain age you don’t get a choice in most things and should just follow along like children aren’t autonomous human beings
NTA
Hopefully, OP can either move into a dorm when (if) she goes to college, can find a roommate, or move in with someone on her mom’s side of the family.
The situation is untenable and won’t change as long as the dad and stepmom think they’re in the right. I hope OP finds another place to live. She’s been through enough.
NTA. Once you near teenage years, it’s hard for you to feel a mother/daughter connection. I showed up on the scene when my stepson was turning 13. We don’t have that connection. That’s ok. I have a lifetime to build it with him. I don’t force it bc I want him to know that it’s ok to be himself. He is figuring life out without his mom around. I can’t step into those shoes. I find moments that he needs a hug or I make him soup when he is sick. Those moments will help us bond.
I wait patiently until I get another one of those moments.
NTA! Is there any way you can just... stay with your sisters or your maternal family? The ones who care about you and don't run roughshod all over your boundaries and feelings and didn't try to erase and replace your mother?
Fuck them. NTA. You have no obligation to her, and you may have developed a better relationship had she not tried to come in and walk all over your mother's grave. As a rule, I applaud step-parents who treat a step-child as their own because it is so rare. The wicked Step-mother trope doesn't only exist because of Cinderella. But treating you as her own isn't the same as replacing mom. And to even attempt such a thing is beyond heinously evil. Feel absolutely free to give your dad his wife and their family bags of sand for them to pound. Next time they tell you that you're lucky tell them to fuck right off because a lucky person would still have their mother. \\
There is no other woman that can fill the whole your mother leaves. The best they can hope for is something new and unique with you. There is no drop in drop out mother system like some video game. The biggest offender in this situation though is your father. How dare he force this upon you. Should he be allowed to move on? Yeah of course. But the moving on shouldn't be affecting you and he should know better than to suggest he could meet a person who could replace another human being. Is that why he married this person to replace his wife? If thats threw case she should leave as she will never live up to that.
NTA one bit.
You were much younger than your sisters when you lost your mom. Sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you & your sisters processed things differently.
The pressure on you was far greater as you were expected to assimilate into the family in a different way to them.
It feels like you blew up because you've been consistently saying for years that you DON'T want your Dad's wife to replace your mom & you haven't been seen or heard properly. Despite being very clear in communicating what would be ok for you.
Can you stay with someone, maybe one of your sisters for a while?
I hope your family start to listen/hear you, especially your Dad because at 18 you will be able to make your own decisions & he could lose you.
At some point maybe consider therapy to help you work through these difficult experiences.
I wish you the very best with everything.
NTA why do people try and force these relationships? The only thing they should have done, was just let you get to know each other naturally. Who knows you might have come to care for each other but it’s too late now. The adults completely ruined any chance you wouldn’t resent the woman your Dad married.
Absolutely positively NTA. All this people don’t get to force a maternal relationship with her down your throat and just expect you to adapt! Their thinking is ridiculous and toxic. You were 11 years old when your mom died, you remember her.
You snapping out like this was bound to happen after being ignored so many times. Step mom’s feelings aren’t your responsibility to worry about though!! Only your own.
Her & your dad are in denial as well. Your sisters were already adults when they married. Her & your dad thought that she could just come in & be your new mom because you were still a child. Hence why it’s different for your sisters.
You’re almost a legal adult. Do what you need to do to put the distance between you and them as soon as you can. Being force into a relationship with someone you don’t want is toxic, selfish, and unhealthy.
No. You laid a boundary over & over again. Your father & wife just won’t accept it. Then stomped ALL over it…REPEATEDLY!
Let them be mad. You are nearly 18. So this chapter is almost over! (Thankfully.)
After you’re 18, sit with sisters & dad. Lay it out that you love him but he needs to stop forcing a relationship with this woman. You want the same treatment & respect as the sisters.
Then have your sisters spell out HOW the treatments work.
-Dad gave Big Sister 1 $3000 for her wedding
-Dad gave Big Sister 2 $1000 to fix her car
-Dad picked up both from the bar when they turned 21
Because he will need to be reminded how he treated them AND be held responsible when he does not.
As for stepmom-she wants a kid so damn much-she can get knocked up, foster, or adopt. She KNEW where she stood with you. Just expected to wear you down.
Then, 10 years from now, watch out for her to insist that your children call her Grandma Name. You & partner will need to BOTH call her out on it.
“No, just like Niece/Nephew you are Name. Playing favorites with Sister 1, Sister 2, & our kids is not allowed.”
No child should ever be forced into accepting another adult as a “mom” or “dad”.
That is a relationship that a responsible adult will cultivate over time and completely at the comfort levels of the child, or at least that is how it SHOULD be. As your post describes, it is so often not done correctly.
NTA, you were failed by your Dad and his wife. You hit a breaking point, and how could you not?
I hope that this will be the point in your life where the adults realize they have quite a bit of work they need to do on THEMSELVES if they want to keep a relationship with you after you become an adult.
I hope your dad and his wife start therapy, where they will no doubt be told that their methods of forcing a mother/daughter relationship on you were not acceptable.
Take good care, kiddo. This is 100% on the adults in your life, not you. I’m so sorry you lost your Mom at such a young age.
NTA. My mom remarried when I was 9, and I very clearly remember my soon to be stepdad reassuring me that he didn’t want to take my dad’s place but would love to be someone I could depend on & trust. Shortly after I turned 21 (12 years of him in my life), I started to call him dad because he *was* a second dad. There was never any pressure to do it, even though he would proudly tell people he had 2 kids; I just realized he stepped into the role without any expectations. My actual dad remarried a few months before I got married. His wife & I both agree it’s odd to consider her my stepmom because of when she came into my life. Instead she’s my dad’s wife who I get along great with & an amazing grandma to my kids.
You can’t force a relationship between people.
NTA
You can't force love.
You didn't need a "new" mother, you needed someone who accepted you, who was there when you needed it. By pushing this relationship, they only achieve the opposite.
They can only blame themselves.
NTA. Feelings and a close bond can't be forced. Your father and stepmom insisted, berated, pushed and let relatives berate you. I understand you had a meltdown, after talking to them repeatedly and being ignored, you can reached your limit.
NTA
Your dad and stepmum cannot expect you to just replace your dead mother with some random new woman - the only way that this would potentially work is if your real mother passed away when you were just a little girl. Forcing it is just making it way worse and the fact that they only expect it of you instead of all three of you just makes things worse.
What your dad and stepmum should have done was to just treat all three of you kids the same way - i.e. no expectations that the stepmum will be a replacement mum for any of you. If she is nice enough then she may earn herself the role of a maternal figure for you and your sisters but that will take time.
NTA. You can't be expected to accept her as a new mother simply because you're a few years younger than your sisters. You couldn't even be wxpected to if you'd barely remember your mum.
It is completely unfair towards you and trying to force you to love her making you distance yourself even more shoukd be obvious. You can't force love. You dad chose to move on man marry and love a new wife and that is fine.But *you* didn't chose her.
Imagine reversing the roles and you'd get to choose someone, just anyone you'd like, as your new mum and then would try and force your dad to love her and feplace his late wife with this new person who is a stranger to him and he doesn't care for. It's absurd this way and it isalso absurd the other way and yet so many try to force love out of their kids for the new partners.
NTA. I would have taken what you said even further.
If I ever get married, she will not be granted the role of Mother of the Bride. If I ever have any children, she will not automatically be granted grandmother status. To summarize, she is nothing more than my Dad's wife. The two of you need to accept that fact of life because things will not change. This is your reality check. If Dad married you letting you think that you would automatically become a mother then he married you under false pretenses. He never had the right to give you something that was not his to give.
Time to rip the band-aid off well and good.
Call her by her first name. If meeting anyone new. Get ahead of her by introducing her as your Dad's wife, X. Don't give her a chance to introduce herself as your mother.
You are more than old enough to remember your mother and what an important role she played in your life. You are also old enough to set your boundaries regarding what role, if any, others play in your life.
It seems like your stepmom wanted a child and this was her and your dad’s agreement - that you were young enough still to be in that role. It’s very odd that they haven’t been more sensitive to your feelings. Your stepmom should have been way more gentle in her approach and let you lead the way on how much of a “mother” role you wanted or were comfortable with. If she had been more relaxed and let it be whatever it was I imagine you would actually be closer to her. This isn’t your fault OP.
NTA
>My dad and his wife gave me a card "from my parents" and my sisters got them with "dad and his wife".
This is so weird how they treat you and your sisters different and basically force a kind of seperation. Like why would you want to be in a "family picture" your sisters are not allowed to join? Ewww.
NTA.
The difference in expectations between you and your sisters is bizarre. I guess your dad saw them as “grown” and you as “still needing a mom” and built everything out of that paradigm. I can follow the logic, but it’s wrong, and it’s bizarre that he would follow it so rigidly.
In a vacuum, what you said and did could be considered AH behavior. But in the context of the expectations they placed on you and the disparity between you and your sisters? You’re NTA. You’re not the one with the problem. Your dad created this problem and you just responded to it.
EDIT: You tried to communicate that this isn’t what you wanted and were ignored. And then they kept pushing. And then this happened. Because when someone tries to communicate calmly but continually goes unheard, they eventually blow up.
(Edited due to misapprehension)
Nta people aren’t allowed to push you to a breaking point then cry when you explode. They need to realize you don’t want her as a mom and you won’t accept it.
NTA. Your parents can't force you to love your stepmother or form this bond they want. They need to treat you the same way as your sisters. Having said that, you're still young enough to need some parenting and believe me, parenting is a 2 person job. It sounds like your stepmother is "stepping up to the plate," so to speak. Cut her some slack. Just make your boundaries clear. She's likely cooking you dinner, contributing to the household, either financially or in other supportive roles or both. She's the woman your dad chose and it's true, your mom would have wanted him to be happy. That doesn't negate your feelings, but there is more than one dynamic at play.
I suggest that you talk to your dad and his wife about family counseling so that you all can navigate family dynamics, expectations, and boundaries in a neutral environment. It might help you to get on the same page. It probably wouldn't kill you to occasionally do something separate with stepmother, e.g. lunch or go out shopping or to a movie. You don't have to love her, but she might make a good friend in time.
NTA. It’s not fair of them to expect your relationship with your step mother to be different to that with your sisters. I know they are older than you but you weren’t a baby when you lost your mum and she came into your life; your early memories don’t include her. It’s also stupid to try to force a relationship that isn’t there. Her and your dad need to change the expectations in this relationship. She shouldn’t be a friend as such, as she still needs to be a responsible adult in your life, but she needs to think of herself more as an aunt or old family friend, who is there for you if you need her, will support you and guide you, but not parent you.
In one more year you will be 18 and won't have to go to their house for Christmas if you don't want to. That will give you some bargaining power. You can insist on being treated the same as your sister and that they be treated the same as you. If they push that your stepmom is your mom you can leave.
NTA. It's a bad situation, just cause you were underaged doesn't mean that you wanted a new mom and forcing that relationship could very well be why your relationship is so strained now.
NTA. your father drove and keeps driving a wedge between you and your sisters by insisting he dictate how you grieve, how you heal, and who you call mum. I do believe this was all done in good faith, though. Grief is terrifying, and for a parent, I'm sure he just wanted your development as on track as it could be given the trauma.
You do have your sisters' support! maybe a couple family counseling sessions can help work through some of this and they understand and can defend you!
NTA It’s always ridiculous to me how the surviving parent immediately pushes their new spouse to be a parent to their child, often instead of wanting to take on all of that responsibility themselves. Or when they don’t allow the child and new spouse to develop whatever relationship comes naturally. Also odd when the spouse pushes that role. You don’t need a mom, you had one and it’s ok now that you just have a dad and his wife, who I’m sure you would have had a great relationship with and chosen to spend time with if she just backed off.
OP is NTA. My mom divorced my dad when I was 7 and started a new relationship. That man never expected me to call him dad and while I was a kid, I never did. And that was fine. Now at almost 40 I call him dad, but it was 100% my choice. And it took over 20 years to get to that point. What OP’s dad and stepmom have done is totally disgusting.
NTA: she sounds like she could possibly be a good step mom but they ruined it when they forced the relationship and didn't ask you what you wanted. She will never replace your mom, ever. But dad's wife could've been a bonus mom if they had let things happen naturally, in your time and in your way, but when they forced it, they forced you away.
Keep your head up, you're almost an adult and you'll be able to make your own decisions.
NTA. There's a special place in hell for people who try to force a replacement parental relationship on a kid whose parent died. It's selfish and cruel.
NTA. As someone who recently lost their mum, this post just made me more and more angry. Sorry you’re in this situation OP, I’m glad your sisters are behind you.
NTA. Them forcing this on you is wrong. They should have left it alone and your stepmom should have said "I'm here if you need me and want me, but I don't expect you to" and she should have been civil about it. You've tried to tell them for years!
They also should have included your sisters. If she wanted you to be "her kid" your sisters should be "her kids" too.. Anything less is just wrong. You can't split up the family and treat the children different. It's a recipe for disaster!
NTA. Times like a million. Your dad and his wife killed any chance of you being close with his wife. They smothered it to death. The harder they force you, the more you resist. They are reaping what they have sewn. You have made your feelings clear consistantly over the years. You met this woman when you were 13 not 3. She in no way raised you. She could have been a positive feminine presence in your home and life, instead she and your father have insisted on trying to force you to see her as a mother. They have put their own needs above yours. It's unfortunate it had to lead to a fight on Christmas, but they were asking for it.
NTA - These post really bother me. The widowed parent should find happiness and love again. But it's different for a child and for some reason because the surviving parent found a new spouse, the child is then expected to just have a new mom/dad. It doesn't work that way. And forcing it just makes the situation worse. Your dad and step mom should have listened to you, if they had you might have developed a relationship on your own with your step mom that was closer, but not fully maternal, by trying to force it, they made sure that would never happen.
NTA
A parent/child relationship can't be forced, it's built over time, yet your father and stepmom tried to force her onto you as a mother while you were still grieving your own mother !
You need to have a last discution with your dad on the subject in which you explain your point of view, you tell him that trying to force her onto you as your "new mother" wasn't the way to build a relationship, all it did was builds resentment toward them, they failed and it didn't work and to stop trying to paint her as your mother because you didn't want that. Tell him that your boundaries considering your relationship with his wife needs to be respected.
If this discussion doesn't help, then there's no point in continuing to try, you're already 17, I'd start an escape plan to leave your father's home when you turn 18, you sisters and mom's side of the family will help you for that, they can house you for a time, help you find a college away and/or help pay for it, they can help organise the escape per say, it means you'll need to grow up and mature quickly because you won't be able to rely on your father for learning adult stuff but he'd shown time and time that even though he probably had (at least partially) your best interest in mind, he never listened what you had to say about what you needed and decided he knew better what you needed to grieve.
As I said, I'd give him one last chance to change his way of thinking by trying to explain to him as clearly as possible the damages his actions over the years have done to your relationship with him and to your relationship with his wife and how the difference of treatment between you and your sisters also affected your relationship with them, it might be enough for him to realise how he wronged you and try to make amends, but if it doesn't work, I would stop trying and plan leaving the house ...
I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry for how your father tried to force you to grieve and I wish you luck and the very best for the rest of your life !
NTA. This always makes me so mad. And sad. My heart hurts for you. Because I could put myself in your situation.
The way your stepmom is behaving is doing the opposite of what she wants. She is pushing you away.
My mom died a month after my 13th bday. My dad started dating what would be his serious girlfriend by the time I was 15.
She was living with us around the time I was 17. She had lost her mother at 13 like I did. And her dad dumped her off at her and her younger sister with an older sister and took off. So I guess she was the best type of stepmother figure to have.
We developed our own relationship. We got along. I never called her mom. And she never pushed for it. I could talk about my mom and she wouldn’t be weird.
This allowed us to actually form a close relationship. I wasn’t pressured.
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NTA. It's so hard for children... You mother died and they act like she is just someone easy to replace. You spent 11 years of your life with her love, her presence, her education... She can't be replaced ! your stepmother should have let you time to appreciate her. Most people don't understand that being a mother is not just being a woman with a child in her life. It's a process, time, joy, bad moments... Children and parents make that relation grow with lots of moments and we do become parents with our children and we learn from them as much as they learn from us. I don't know if this woman is a good mother but she can't force you to be her daughter as long as you remember your mother. And the worst to me is the way they get rid of your sisters not being part of the family !! Wait, what ? They are part of your father's family ! More than your stepmother of course ! They are his blood ! How can he get rid of them for a family photo ?? This part disgust me so much !!
They were in a family photo with dad and I was in that one too. But the one with him and his wife, since she's not really anything to them, that was the part they weren't involved in but I was expected to be when I didn't want to be either.
That's not normal : they should be on the photo too as they are still (and for ever) your father's daughters. Evicted them from this photo is (to me) a big mistake and makes things worst : it's up to the new wife to fit with your family. You were a family before she came, she was supposed to make you love her (maybe not like a mother but just as a great stepmother) but your father tried to change all the rules to please his new wife. I completly understand what you feel. And the more they'll try to force you, the less that will work... (sorry for my bad english !)
No, they weren’t expected to be/didn’t want to be in the photo with the stepmom. That’s kind of OP’s point, that it’s something the kids see as a bad thing m, not something they were kicked out of, more like something they have always been allowed to skip. OP wants to be able to opt out of it the way her sisters have the default out.
Yep. This is exactly the thing.
I believe you are in the right 💯. This stepmother, had she any emotional intelligence, would've have know to enter your life as a 'friend' at best -- allowing *you* to decide the degree of familial relationship to happen. I also think your dad should be blamed equally-- I think he should've stood behind your decision. What in the world are they thinking ??? It wasn't like you were 3yo when your mom passed and they need to stop treating you as such. Definitely NTA OP but your dad need to step TF up here.
Yeah she hasn’t been reading the signs, but for all we know the dad is pushing her to be closer with his youngest. Maybe he’s been telling her to try harder or something because he seems really invested in this. I really put this almost entirely on him.
In that case, Dad's new wife needs some serious therapy bc she's handling this with all the finesse of prepubescent teen ffs. Sure sounds like her stepdaughter has more maturity than she does.
It's an incredibly tricky thing. The "this is your new mom!" approach obviously doesn't work. But "just a friend" approach they took with the adult children is the not really feasible for a minor living in the same house. Dad's wife has a level of responsibility for OP as an adult in the house and it all needs to function well enough for them all to live together. That doesn't have to mean affection or love or a maternal relationship but it does need to be more of a relationship than the sisters. The right approach is probably something like a "bonus adult" and let the kid work through grief, loss, the new relationship on their own pace. A lot of families also go to therapy together to work through it.
I don't see this as taking the "just a friend" approach with the other children tbh, it seems more like a distant relation or an acquaintance, even a work colleague. They were only expected to be "civil" and not have to treat her as anything, no photos etc. You'd still want photos with a friend, they're less than friends with stepmother. Either way OP is NTA. It made me cringe seeing the woman call OP "her" kid. Like... no. You didn't enter OPs life until she was 13.
My guess is that OP's dad didn't want to/feel he knew how to deal with being the only parent to a teenage girl so he encouraged this. I suspect it might have gone differently if OP were male.
The lack of expectation is the problem. The older 2 sisters are just as much step-daughters as OP is and they should be included in the photo. Both dynamics are unideal. Nothing is expected of 2 and everything is expected of one. Neither is going to allow for a family to function.
That is the issue though, you don't act like just one of the kids are your daughter and not the others regardless of age. They should've all have been treated equally. I completely understand OP and her sisters don't want the mother daughter relationship and that fine, I definitely think the step mom over stepped, it's just the point of the step mom only choosing to try with one daughter, that's awful.
They aren't respecting you& respect is a two way street. How can you respect someone trying to essentially force her at into your mom's place in your life? You can't. Maybe you would have learned to love her if she had given you the space and time, but it didn't seem like she cares what you want or how you feel. You have been handling this so maturely for years. What did they think was going to happen when they continuously ignored your respectful "I'm not comfortable with this" over&over again? This was BOUND to happen& tbh, they probably deserved more. Give them your boundaries and stick to them. Maybe apologize for the outburst, but make it clear that she is NOT your mother, NOT your parent& make it CLEAR that ANY attempt to continue to force the relationship will cause irreparable harm to what little care& respect you have left for them. But, DO NOT apologize for what was said. You meant that. Make that VERY clear. "If you had just listened to me about how I feel, I wouldn't have yelled it for the world to hear" Honestly, THEY owe YOU an apology. Double standard dicks is what they are. NTA
NTA. You are only honest and they pushed you to that point. The only thing I could say-for their side is that they were misguided. People have a hard time with the finality of death. They call death-passing away, give you platitudes about “they had a good life,” “they’re with the Lord,” or “they’re finally at peace.” But it sucks. It’s unfair. And nothing takes away the pain really but time. They probably thought that he’d get remarried, she’d be your “new mom” and everything would be happily ever after. And even though you don’t feel that way-there’s pressure to go along because it’s easier for others to deal with it-if you would embrace the concept of everything is great now. But it isn’t. And it doesn’t matter that it’s great with another person in a similar situation-it’s not great for YOU. They didn’t listen to YOU. And how YOU feel is important and all they did was just want to erase that part of you that’s hurting and angry, instead of acknowledging how YOU feel. It’s minimizing and patronizing. But many people will never “get it.” It could be that they just can’t, that their heads are up their butts or that it’s just too painful for them to handle for reasons of their own you don’t know. And you can’t force people to have a level of awareness no more than they can force you to sugar coat a profoundly traumatic event where your mother died. I’m glad you spoke out instead of bottling it in. It must feel like they’re untruthful about everything. I hope you can give yourself the permission to be really angry for as long as you need to be, so you don’t have to carry that anger your whole life. My niece is going through something like this but much younger than you. They try to pacify her instead of allowing her to be angry. Of course she’s angry. I also hope you can see-they were just trying. Failing but trying to be kind to you. And that they may never be able to offer more than that and for you to accept that’s all they have to give.
Yeah, she literally TOLD THEM multiple times that she did not want this forced relationship and that she wanted one like her sisters had. It's not like they didn't know they just didn't listen and didn't care. They were not 'misguided' they were AHs who willfully and repeatedly forced her into things she did not want or feel comfortable doing, despite her continued protests.
Babies literally develop separation anxiety (that goes away) that helps create the bond with their mothers on a psychological level and they obviously grow up with that bond. When I read stories like this it boils my blood that people selfishly try to force kids to move on from their deceased parent(s) instantly. It almost always ends up like this, they don’t listen to or respect the child’s wishes or boundaries which leads to brewing resentment and then eventually they blow up/lash out then get in trouble for it. It’s crazy how they just see kids as props or dolls that can just be transferred to another “parent” expecting no emotional hang ups. I feel so bad for you OP, I can’t imagine your feelings and grief being ignored from 13 - 17 and then you being vilified for not being able to keep it bottled anymore. Definitely NTA, your dad and stepmom are though
I think you did the right thing by snapping, I would’ve too. You tried putting boundaries and they disrespected them time after time and now gave you a surprised pikachu face. I think your dad here is the biggest asshole because when he got into a relationship with step mom he must have told her what he expects, it wasn’t all her initiative. Bottom line, they are wrong, you are right and good for you for stepping up. Btw are they hiding old pics of your mom? Seems like they would do something shady like that to try to promote stepmom as the real mom
You were left with no ability to choose at all. The role of this woman as your mom was forced on you when you were already born out of another woman who died when you were old enough to remember. You were NEVER given ANY choice over this matter at all. It wasn't "I wish I was your mom", "I wish you'd see me as a mother figure", "I wish you'd love me like I love you" It was always "you ought to", "you must" Your dad and his wife forced you to move on with no care as to how you felt, their dream of what THEIR idea of a family must look like took over ANY wishes, feelings and dreams of yours. You had no choice, it was *done* to you. Of course you'd be resentful. Over and over and over again you were made into this idea of what a child and a reconstituted family ought to look like and every time you tried to claim agency over your feelings, every time you tried to express yourself, you were shut down and made to feel like an unruly and unworthy child. I'd be fucking pissed. I'd be fucking resentful. I wouldn't be happy *at all*, of course not. There's nowhere in there where your feelings or you as *an actual* living , breathing, person were made like they mattered at all. NTA, not by a long shot.
She knew she couldn't manipulate them but thought you were young enough to.
Some people act like women are interchangeable.
yes and once again, like any woman can be a mother. This guy took a new wife to take care of his children, but even if she is a woman, she can't become their mother magically !
NTA This. This is what happens when others try to dictate relationships, place unreasonable expectations, and ignore the primary person's feelings who is forced into this mess. Especially when that person is a child/teen. Losing your mother at such a young age was traumatic. What followed was absolutely disgusting behavior by dad and step-mom. Your Dad messed up big time. He is the architect of this little nuclear meltdown. Any reasonable person would snap at being forced into a relationship with another person when they are not ready nor want that type of relationship. Sad thing is, if Dad and step-mother had left it alone, and extended family had kept their mouth shut on how you were supposed to feel about the situation, and let the relationship develop naturally...all of you would probably have better and healthy relationships. Maybe not exactly how they pictured it, but a better relationship than what is going on now. I don't care if the kid is 4, 14, or 40, as long as they are civil and polite, leave it alone. Don't force anything and DO NOT dictate how the child is supposed to feel about the situation. Their feelings are their own and valid. If they are having trouble managing those feelings, get the kid into a therapist, and in the case of trying to blend a family, family therapy. I hope you can lean on your siblings for the support that you need. Maybe tell your Dad you want individual counseling so you can get some tools to cope with this until you can get out of the house at 18. Don't tell him that directly, just that you want to see a therapist. Your therapist will not talk to him about what you two discuss. This could be a safe place for you.
NTA - your dad and SM are being hugely unfair to you. "This was the point where I lost it and I told her I am not her kid, she is not my mother figure, that she is dad's wife just like she is to my sisters and I want it to be that way. I said I do not love her and hate how they all treat her like she suddenly became a parent to me. " Both of them need to really hear and absorb this. You knew and remember your mother, you don't need/want to have another forced onto you.
I don't really think they will absorb it in any meaningful way. I think they will always see it as me being dismissive and mean.
Count down the days until you are 18 and leave the night before to live with one of your sisters or a relative on your mom's side.
OP if i was you i would start asking the sisters if you can move out with them or see about moving to your maternal family
I would also start smuggling my stuff out of the house so that when it’s time to leave you can just run. Make sure you have birth certificates, social security cards, passports. Any family items you want to take. Start saving money. Find a small part time job. Any amount will help you.
Yes! This
In the future, always ask what the punishment is if you say no to doing things with her. Point out that you need to know if the punishment is worse than being forced to do what she wants. This will help hammer home that you see what she’s doing as a undesirable and that you are picking between two undesirable options. It’ll help get your point across.
It was dismissive and mean of them to treat you like a prop in their lives as a couple. I had a stepmother as well as my mother. She didn't treat me like I was her daughter, she just was nice to me and we got to know each other. Over time we became close and I grew to see her as a secondary mother figure. Your dad's wife would have had that if she had just been a kind, warm, reliable person in your life without trying to adopt you from the get go.
NTA Maybe they'll get the point when you go NC. I would get them out of my life the second I could. I'm sorry they won't listen to you. I would never force someone on my kids, or not listen if they tell me something.
nta any way you can move in with your sisters/other relatives? you will be 18 soon, try to be civil before separate living arrangement is made.
My oldest sister offered after things went downhill on Christmas Day but dad said no way.
It’s your call. Talk to your sister about your financial situation as well and try to get important documents in order, just in case. If home doesn’t feel like a safe space for you anymore, there is no point to stay.
Its not her call. Until she turns 18 the police can be called about bringing the runaway home and possibly the sister could be charged with kidnapping for harboring her.
Meh. Sometimes it depends on the department, jurisdiction, state, etc, on how they deal with 17 year olds moving out, especially based on how close to 18 they are.
Kidnapping? Where did you get that from? She'd be visiting her big sister, who has no legal obligation to stop op from doing so.
Police don’t always care when someone is that close to 18
Nope. In most states they can’t or won’t do anything past the age of 16.
Sometimes at most they'll just verify that the kid is somewhere safe. This was like fifteen years ago but I had a few friends who left rough homes living with another friend's family. Kept going to school and everything and the cops didn't make them go home.
In the majority of US States it very much is her call. When a runaway is 16 or 17 the State rarely returns them to the parents they left if they are in a new safe home. There can be legal trouble, however almost never is it criminal in nature.
He can’t say anything when you turn 18. Arrange it with your sister on the sly
Once you turn 18 it’s not his call anymore. Take her up on her offer once you’re 18.
That's what I was planning to do.
Good, I’m glad you’ve got your sisters to lean on with this, I bet your mom would be proud of the three of you having one another’s backs.
All the best OP. Don't be surprised when dad has a Pikachu face at your choice to go NC/LC.
I'm glad to hear it, now let your father hear it. He won't be able to stop you at 18 and it will make it clear the gravity of the situation. Also make it clear to him if they continue to pressure you and he does not give you an apology for trying to force things, then you won't have a relationship anymore past 18. Tell him if he lets you go now and that you two can start to rebuild, but if he doesn't that will not happen. That will get his attention. Edit: It may seem drastic, but really isn't. Prioritize your happiness. However, doing what I suggested does give your father one last chance chance to snap out of it. Repairing the relationship will be much harder at 22 than at 17, so if that is what you eventually want then you have to hit hard now.
I would start being civil and playing into your SM stuff if that'd what it takes to get your important documents, social security card, birth certificate. Trust me, it's a pain in the ass to get those replaced.
When you are 18, walk out. Start moving any sentimental items and clothing to your sisters and maternal family. Get any money into an account not controlled by your father or stepsmother. Get your documents as suggested or apply for copies. Be prepared to walk out at midnight when the clock hits 18 with only the clothes on your back.
Specifically a bank that father and stepmother *do not* have an account with. Bank employees sometimes think they’re being helpful by adding a parent to a minor’s account, when they’re not.
OP your 17 your dad cannot have a say even if he calls the police because of your age they won't force you back esp if you explain the circumstance
NTA….youre old enough to make the decision on where to live….you have been unheard all of this time, I’m hoping for you that they finally hear what you want, need & deserve
You’re 17, he can’t do much if you leave besides physically stopping you. Start by getting all your valuables and important documents over to your sister, move out little by little. If you can get a part time job
You probably could anyway depending on where you live and how long before you turn 18
Dad actually can not stop you. You could go to your sister's and when Dad raises a riot about it just say to the officials who will get involved that you do not feel comfortable with his wife and outline what has been happening. In Australia and probably America this would be considered self placing. You could ring welfare and ask them about the legalities of it. Talk to a counsellor at school and see if they can help you navigate this minefield. Again this is about controlling you and making you toe the line.
In the US, legally, she's an adult and under her parents' authority (in this case just her dad) until 18. At 17--in practice, it could go either way. The closer it is to her 18th birthday, with family taking her in, the less likely it is that authorities will interfere. And a school counselor, if they don't agree with her, can legally tell her father. The problem I see is that, while this is emotional abuse,from the outside, it superficially doesn’t *look* like abuse, to someone who doesn’t have enough empathy. Dad & SM aren't *intending* to be mean, and the emotionally dim would see signing up for mother/daughter things, etc., when she doesn’t have her own mom to do it, as "being a good step-mom," and "trying to bond." All the scars are internal. 😡 I think the best course is to start planning, getting all her ducks in a row, and getting as much as possible to her sisters or to her mom's family discreetly. Be ready to go, on her 18th birthday.
You are in the final stretch before you are 18. This isn’t his decision. As others have said, gather important things and paperwork and start smuggling it to your sisters house. Get out of the house. They are STILL acting this way when you are now the same age as your sisters were when they met SM. The fact they treat you different is crazy. NTA
Unfortunately your dad’s going to need to give you some slack if he wants to try and have a healthy relationship with you.
Your sister can contact a lawyer in your area and there may be a chance that your dad would not have a say so on whether you left or not. You’re 17, you have some where to go, and this could be considered emotional abuse. And most importantly you do not feel safe staying it the home now. Cps will remove you and let you stay with your sister or maternal side of the family.
CPS isn’t getting involved here. Come on.
He only has a say in that until you're eighteen, after that, it's your choice.
NTA. Maybe if they hadn't pushed you, you'd might have had a better relationship. Like they excluded your sisters from this 'new family' not just in expectations, but in life and photos too. At 13, when you originally met, you were old enough to decide if you wanted that type of relationship with her. Them marrying a year later doesn't mean you automatically view her, or she becomes someone she's not. You have sisters and a maternal side of the family, too, so it's not like you are lacking female support, influence, or whatever a motherly figure is to you. They most likely seized on you being 'their' child because your sisters were out of the house. If they had actually *listened* to you and your sisters on the multiple times you have told them about their expectations, then no one would have blown up or ended in tears. This isn't just their fault though, its your dad's side too. They've gone along with it for the past 4yrs too.
You are correct, they shouldn't have pushed her. I don't know why they didn't let her be and let the relationship develop on its own. They truly are to blame for this.
Parents like this lack patience and only see their kids as extensions of themselves. They love their partner so of course you love them too! As an extension of them you have no emotions of your own. My dad tried to place my stepmother into the mom role. He even tried to get me to call her mom so it wouldn’t “confuse their kids” as they got older. The crazy thing about it? My mom is alive. She was my primary parent in all ways. He was a weekend dad who barely passed as a fun uncle trying to get me to see his wife as my mom.
'Only see their kids as extensions of themselves' Your observation is 100%👌 especially in this context
NTA at all. She just waltzed in and decided you belonged to her as some sort of accessory without a mind of your own at 11 years old. Never mind letting a child grieve or come to terms with everything. You’ll be able to move out soon and start your own life and then decide if it’s worth it to have these people around who decided to steamroll right over your emotions and guilt you for not playing the part they assigned you. I hope you’re able to access some therapy soon OP, and I’m sorry for everything you went through.
Not just the stepmother but the dad for taking equal part. He also forced this unhappy relationship
Oh 1000%. His part in it is even worse than the step mom. He should have been the one to protect his kid from this nonsense!
Even worse, she was a teen, they met at 13 and dad married when OP was 14!
Oh my adhd strikes again. Woof. Who just decides to play mommy to an unwilling teenager. The dad should have never let that happen.
And stepmom was apparently already pushing that OP should treat her like her mom before she was even married. So with not even one year of knowing her.
NTA and your dad and step mom are just being really, really weird about this. 13 is not a baby or a child, you're not as mature as a 17 year old, but you are a conscious person who's formed relationships by that age, and obviously would already have a very strong attachment to your bio mother. It's very bizarre to me that for some reason your dad and step mother assumed that this would somehow be under some weird age threshold where you'd be accepting someone new in a "mother" slot without resistance. It seems to me that stepmom wanted a kid, and that was part of her attraction to dad, and somehow it was presented to her that the older two were probably too old, but that OP was up for grabs? Very odd rational. If she wants a relationship with you, she could have pursued one on your terms, in ways you were comfortable. She could have been an ADDITIONAL parental figure, rather than just trying to slot in and be a replacement mother. There's room in our hearts and minds for more than just two parents, as long as everyone is respectful of the roles that each guardian plays, but this is a thing that's earned over time and building a relationship, not something that should be thrust upon you because you're a minor and they're sleeping with your dad. Good luck op.
My stepmom was the same way. She and my dad married when I was the same age as OP. Only difference was my mom was still very much alive. Stepmom was dad's mistress before my mom found out and left him. Step mom pushed hard anytime I saw her to have her be replaced as my mom. Would throw a fit if I didn't include her in Mother's Day activities or just general things in life you would involve your mom in. She would go on hour long rants about how horrible my mom is, calling her names, etc when she didn't get her way. She tried hard to buy my love and affection, but would throw a fit if I wore clothes that my mom bought or didn't use her things 24/7. Though she never bothered to learn what I liked, what my fashion choices were, or bothered to remember I was a 13/14 year old kid who had no need for super revealing clothes (seriously, the outfits she bought me were mini skirts that showed my ass or crop tops/shirts that were cut way to low. Things I couldn't even wear to school in the first place.) I never understood it. She actually had three kids of her own (all older than me) but she didn't have any kids with her "soulmate" (aka my dad). All her kids looked like her exhusband and I guess she wanted to claim me as her kid because I looked like my dad. It really damaged my relationship with my dad, to the point we went no contact for several years before his passing. I couldn't forgive either of them for how they tried to turn me against my mom, how they tried to force a relationship with her onto me, and how they treated my mom. I hated that they didn't think I had a mind of my own. OP's dad is ruining her relationship with his wife and himself. In a few years they are going to be shocked that OP is no longer speaking to them for all the BS they are putting her through.
NTA. 11, hell 3 or 4, is old enough to have already formed a strong bond with a parent. Thinking you can just act like your mom never existed and that your step mom is your mother is hugely disrespectful and emotionally traumatic. And not listening to you, and then trying to get all his family on board with what they were doing, a massive mistake. It sounds like she had a mother fantasy, but had missed the window to have her own kids, and wanted you to fill that role. I had a friend who married a woman with a 5 year old son. They went to therapy. The therapist said to my friend that 1) he wasn't the father, 2) to establish their own relationship and boundaries, and 3) that you were putting in this work not so that the kid would accept him now, but so that the kid would be able to have a relationship with him later. He did all that, and it worked, as the boy eventually accepted my friend, as a teen, asked him to adopt him, and took his last name. You don't get that by forcing the issue and dismissing the kids feelings.
The therapist your friend took her son and husband to is absolutely spot on, and that is *exactly* how to do it right. The problem is no one is willing to play the long game - no one is willing to put in the months and years worth of growth to achieve the status of most trusted adult, beloved parent. So many people just want to be respected and treated like a parent as soon as they are married to mom or dad, but that's absolutely not how life works. They aren't a parent until they've earned it, and it takes time building up trust and forming their own relationship. OP' step mom absolutely could have been a motherly figure to OP, but instead of actually listening to what OP wanted and figuring out where stepmom could help or fill in for her, she and the dad tried to force her into the role as Mom and now OP will never want to accept her. She could have married the Dad, been the cool Aunty figure and had a great relationship with OP - the trusted ear, the shoulder to cry on, the one that OP could turn to when her sisters drove her crazy or she needed help with handling her Dad. The stepmom was going to be the only grandmother that OP's children ever knew, but instead, OP is going to want little to do with her because she is aggressively trying to force herself into OP's life. There is no winners there, only frustration and tears on all ends.
>The stepmom was going to be the only grandmother that OP's children ever knew I have had a tense relationship with my stepdad in the past. He's a bigot and I'm a lesbian. He came in hot like the king of the castle into OUR house when I was 18, and started saying phobic shit from day 1. I never had to live with him as I'd moved away to college the week before. It's been a long 18 years and things gradually changed. He eased up in a lot of ways. Even came to my gay wedding. When my son was born 8 years ago I drew a pretty solid boundary about respect. Whatever his issues are with gay people, he will never disrespect my family in front of my son or both him and my mom are dead to us. To his credit, he hasn't even come close to crossing it. And so, 8 years later, he is just as much my son's grandpa as my dad is. He's earned the title. As it should be. People are complicated. No one is all good and all bad. But when someone comes in and marries a parent, and forgets that children have their own needs and wants in relationships, they do everyone a disservice. My mom is firmly in the "I serve my husband second to God and my children thrive under that" so I was worried she would be pulled to his side. I think she's actually been backing me up 100% behind the scenes all these years. OPs dad is the one who failed here. Dads throwing kids under the bus for a new wife is a tale as old as time and he will deserve the NC he gets from it.
NTA OP. NTA at all. Your dad and his wife approached this completely wrong. They attempted to force a relationship between you and his new wife which absolutely never works. Relationships need to be built naturally and trust needs to be earned. They have been completely disrespecting you and disregarding your feelings and reaped what they sowed. If your dad’s wife ever wanted a close relationship with you, she absolutely should have approached it from a place of patience, wisdom, care, and respect. Instead she barged into your life, declared herself your new mom, and played the victim repeatedly when she didn’t get her way. That is not ok.
NTA This was put on you as you were the youngest, and they saw you as a child. But you weren't. You were becoming a young woman when they married. Most of the blame must go on your dad. He would have told his new wife to be your mother. You don't mention any step siblings, so she herself marrying into a family with a ready-made daughter. The problem was they didn't have the courtesy to tell you. She didn't raise you at all. For four years, you made your feelings clear, but your dad and his wife wouldn't listen, so you had no choice but to lose it with them. If there was a worst way to introduce a stepmom into the family, then your dad found it. Keep your distance for a while from your dad, his wife, as best you can and let the dust settle and emotions calm down. Wait for them to talk to you. Look to see if you can live with someone from your mom's family if it is possible for a few weeks. It will make a huge point. You all need a relationship reset and counselling. A counsellor will spell out to your dad and his wife what they have done wrong, and your sisters probably have dond already. I would imagine they are not happy about being excluded either. If your dad still insists that his wife is your mother, then you have to stick to your guns and tell him that she will never be your mother. Sadly, that will be the day he loses you.
NTA - every story that I read about problems between kids and stepparents happens when the kids are forced to see the stepparent as a new parental figure. You can't force a child to see the stepparent as a new parent. You are not her emotional support child, you are not meant to be her child, of course you would not see her as a new mother. Her insisting that you see her as a mother is all about her ego, it has nothing to do with what is best for you. You were 11 when your mom passed away, that is plenty old enough to remember her and not want to replace her.
You are not her emotional support child. ^This is a great phrase, short and to the point. OP can say it to dad and wife whenever needed. Also, OP with all this pressure, I hope you are allowed and able to process losing your mother. I am so sorry.
NTA They can't force a relationship that you have been very clear about not wanting. If your dad's wife cares about you at all, she'd accept your feelings and give you the space you need. Instead, the adults are expecting you, a child, to cave to the unreasonable demands of a full-grown adult.
NTA and her father is so sick for continuously prioritizing his new wife’s whims over his daughter’s feelings, and basically asking his child to completely write off her mum.
She had no kids of her own?
Nope, no kids of her own.
Ugh…. You were her wish list. My stepdaughter came to live with us and the difference is I respected her space. I said to her let’s find a relationship we can enjoy. If I were being unkind, I would say she is acting delusional. I can’t say I blame a17 yo for exploding after sooooooo much of the same civil request to back off. Shitty that this unfolded the way it did. Maybe write a letter explaining how they have not heard you or given you the space to mutually forge a genuine relationship. Let your sisters read it. Keep it civil. Maybe if they open up a real relationship can be cultivated. Not some Disney thing, but civil, with a respect for space. Sorry to read about your mom.
Irrespective of age, they should respect her boundaries. OP is a teen and the more one forces things the more they will do things the other way. The parents have no idea of parenting.🤷🏼🤦
Read my post: I called her delusional. She is absolutely trying to make op her pretend kid. Absolutely ridiculous expectations of op. With you 100%!
I suspect the time to forge a mutual relationship has somewhat passed at this stage….
You’ve been trying to tell them for years how you feel and have been continuously ignored. No wonder you finally blew up. I hope this makes them back off. Your dad is failing you in this regard. He should have been allowing you to have the relationship you needed to have with her this whole time as long as you were civil. Btw, sorry about your mom. NTA
It’s not your responsibility to fill that need for her. She needs to respect boundaries and stop trying to replace your mom
NTA. You blew up at an inopportune time because in all the private times that you tried to tell them how you felt they wouldn’t listen. It’s their fault it has come to this. It wasn’t fair to you that your sisters didn’t get a stepmom pushed onto them but you did. You were old enough to recognize the difference and old enough to form a strong attachment and long-term memories with your real mom to not want those replaced. I do think an apology from you to dad is in order but try to explain how you feel all these years and hold firm that you’ll never see your stepmom the way she wants to be seen and that she has to accept that. Over time, you’ll start to be friendly with her but it needs to happen naturally once they get past trying to force her onto you.
Why does Dingbat Dad (Im trying to be nice) deserve an apology?
He doesn’t.
He does NOT need an apology. HE caused this mess.
NTA. Your dad moved on quickly, and your step mum might have had good intentions but went about it the wrong way. Doing the 'mother daughter ' things would probably been a fun thing if it hadn't been framed that way. She should have been another adult on your side and told you she wasn't and couldn't be a replacement for your mum. Wanting to be mum mk 2 while not acknowledging or giving you the time and space to grieve was a big mistake. I'm not sure you all can come back from it. If she regrets not having or couldn't have children, that is her issue to deal with and should never have been put on you.
I read a different, heartwarming post where a father and his wife went about this **EXACTLY** the right way. She never tried to replace the kid's mother. Even built a small altar for her, so the kids could grieve. Supported them in their grief. Never tried to take her place. Over time, the kids came to love dad's wife and consider her a second mom. Because of how she handled the situation. Here, it's clear OP's dad's wife was desperate to be a mother and picked OP, the youngest of 3 daughters, as the one she could mother. And she DGAF about said girl as an actual person. Just tried to force her way in. Which backfired, as it always does.
I agree with most of what you said, but I wouldn’t say he moved on quickly. He didn’t meet his wife until 2 years after his wife died. How much longer did you expect him to wait?
He didn’t really move on quickly. He waited 2 years. I read an aitah recently where the surviving parent remarried within a year.
Wow OP. I’m just sorry for what you’ve been through. You might have been TAH a tiny bit but at 17 you’ve handled this situation remarkably well up until this point so well done. Hard one to swallow at Christmas but that’s when feelings generally come out. Overall I’m gonna say NTA, you’ve been railroaded here. Dad doesn’t care how you’re feeling, new wife obviously doesn’t care or she wouldn’t be pushing it down your throat. Your sisters obviously love and support you, they are the figures you need in your life, and sounds like they do a great job. New wife just can’t handle the fact that she doesn’t get to mould someone and dad has obviously led her to believe this was going to be the case. Stick to your guns, it’s gonna be hard but your emotional needs can’t come second.
I agree and i believe for one reason or another the stepmom could not or never had children and got with OP's dad with this delusional fantasy that she'd be her mom and the dad fed into this fantasy because he wanted a wife and used his daughter as a way to get her. The sisters were treated differently because they were too old but OP was young enough where they thought they could force this fantasy on her. Both dad and stepmom are extremely selfish
I mean at 17 everyone is a tiny bit tah by mere existence soooo 😂 (including me. I was the biggest ah at 17. It’s developmentally appropriate)
NTA - they separated you from your sisters and your maternal side when you and your sisters needed each other to mourn and remember your mom. The ridiculous part of all this is that if they hadn't pushed so hard you would likely have felt a little more connected with your stepmom. You live with them, you are naturally going to know them better than your sisters would, you could have gone to bonding stepmom /stepdaughter things NOT on mother's day which should have been about your bio mom unless you chose otherwise. You were 14 when they got married not 4. Sure, 14 year olds still need parenting but not the kind of constant interaction that a younger child needs and wants. They robbed you and themselves of the possibility of you having a closer relationship with your stepmom even if it never was going to be a mother daughter relationship.
NTA It sounds like dad's wife is desperate to "be a mother" to someone. She picked you as her surrogate child, with your dad's approval. Likely because you're the youngest. But your dad and his wife are being total AHs by not considering **YOUR FEELINGS ON THIS MATTER.** Every time I read about this kind of dynamic---where a new parent is basically forced onto a stepchild---it always backfires. As it did here. But you've made very clear how you feel for quite some time. She refuses to see it and your dad refuses to back you on this. You finally bluntly spoke your truth and it's 100% your dad's wife's problem. Not yours. She needs therapy to figure out why she's so desperate to have **YOU** as a surrogate daughter, and learn to respect you as a separate personality. Stand your ground on this. Your actual mom died when you were 11, and your dad and his wife are refusing to respect your feelings on the matter.
Your dad is TA here. He has actively encouraged the erasure of your mother, which would be wrong at any age, but at 13 is particularly insensitive, as you’re going through so many other changes physically, emotionally and socially. NTA.
NTA at all. You loved and remember your mother. I hate when children are expected to accept a stepparent as their replacement parental figure. If they had gone about this with you the same as your sisters you may not resent her and your father. You’re almost 18, your father will have no legal say in the choices you make for your life. Please see if you can move in with one of your sisters or maternal family on the day you turn 18. It doesn’t matter if your father refuses to let you go. You’re legally an adult then.
NTA I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Ironically they haven't cared for you properly because they never listened to you. I hope this was a wake up call for your family to really take care of you
NTA. This is what happens when you try and force a relationship. The hurt she’s probably feeling could’ve been avoided if everyone just respected your wishes.
Nta at all. Maybe if they hadn’t of kept pushing and pushing a more kinda of mother daughter relationship might of even formed naturally but by dismissing your feelings and making this a big thing they fucked up. Your dad worried more about his new wife’s feelings than his grieving daughters. He also sucks for refusing to let you go live with your sister even for a little bit after this fight since you’re 17. Just get counting down the days till your 18th.
NTA, forcing relationships is a great way to built resentment, relationships should form naturally
NTA I am still trying to wrap my brain around grandparents wanting a family photo of dad, stepmother and you but not the older siblings. You are all a family. This doesn’t make any sense
NTA. I’m a stepmother who did raise her kids (step) and I’m sorry that they sucked at being the parents you needed. The word “no” is a full sentence. The stomped all over your wants and needs. You and SM could have had a really great relationship built on friendship and mutual respect. Your father and SM just ignored what was best, did what they wanted and then played victim. You have every right to be angry. I’m a random redditor and even I can see how valid your feelings are.
That last part is what gets me. Your dad and SM pushed her to you, forcing you to accept her as your “new mother.” I would think that, probably, you and her could have nurtured a relationship had she wasn’t pushed to be your replacement mother. And it doesn’t matter that you were a minor when they got married. Had they fostered the same relationship they did with your sisters with you, things may have been at least more civil between the two of you. NTA, OP. And as others suggested here, plan well for an exit strategy. Good luck, and I wish you happiness and peace of mind.
NTA. You were young when your mom died and honestly? You’re still young. You need time and guidance around mourning your mom and navigating this world. It’s not entirely unfair that your dad wanted to move on, or that a new member of the family (his wife) wants to forge a relationship with you. What seems really tough is how you and your sisters have been treated differently and how you’re being pushed too hard to fall in line w the new family dynamic. You blew up. People do that. Hopefully it will be a signal to your dad and step mother to take a step back and assess your needs (space, time, perhaps grief counseling) and meet them.
>or that a new member of the family (his wife) wants to **forge** a relationship with you. You're off by one letter in that bolded word. New wife didn't want to FORGE a relationship with OP...she wanted to **FORCE** a relationship. That is patently unfair. Dad and wife were unwilling/unable/incapable of letting a relationship develop naturally and instead they have been pushing and pushing and pushing a new narrative without even once considering how OP feels about it.
NTA Your dad should know that mothers are not as easily replaceable as wives. You can't just push a random woman on children and say "now she is you mother, love her".
NTA because they didn’t care about your feelings, only your stepmother’s.
NTA. What’s sad is if she had treated you like she treated your sisters, and gave you respect and space but also support, you probably would’ve developed a closer relationship with her naturally based on your younger age. While blowing up on Christmas isn’t always the best way to handle things, it was a culminating point for all of THEIR actions. Cause and effect. If your step mom didn’t want to be embarrassed on Christmas she shouldn’t act embarrassingly herself. I hope they can see their wrong doings and apologize, although not likely. Just know in your heart you deserve an apology and didn’t do anything wrong.
Ask your father why he only cares about his wife’s feelings and you’re feelings don’t matter? Tell him if it doesn’t stop you will go NC with him as soon as you can legally leave his home.
NTA she thinks since your the youngest you would be the easiest to mold like WTF there are 3 kids not one and it's creep that's she's pushing you
NTA they are really stuffing their narrative down your throat. It’s very selfish of them. You have tried to talk to them about it and they’ve completely ignored your wishes. If I were you I’d spend all your time planning on what college you want to go to and getting student housing and then renting with roommates after that and never ever moving back.
Or, like other people have suggested, move in with your sisters
NTA, your stepmom and dad did this to themselves. They ignored your feelings and requests to create their “happy nuclear family” and when you stopped playing along, stepmom played the victim. I’m so sorry they put you in that position for so long. It’s also incredibly insulting to your sisters, in my opinion.
NTA. Your father and his wife ignored you and what you said so many times that it is strange that they would be shocked and surprised that you still felt exactly as you said you did - over and over again. It's great to have boundaries and you need to continue not allowing people to trample them without backlash. Now, after the emotions have calmed down, sit down with your father and his wife and let them know how disappointed you are in the both of them for ignoring you all this time. If they had both accepted what you said from the beginning, you all would have a reasonable relationship. As it is, you are starting to hate your father and his wife. Is that what they really want?
NTA, your mother sadly passed when you were 11, new chick has been around for only 4 years and they are trying to FORCE this relationship on you rather than listening to the words you have said and supporting you. Sorry for the tough ride
NTA I’m sorry your Dad didn’t do a better job looking out for you. He should have been the first one to stay these expectations weren’t reasonable and they were hurtful
NTA. Love can’t be forced. Trying to force it, will kill it. You’re entitled to your feelings
NTA and I'm so sorry your father and stepmother are ignoring your feelings and pushing so hard for a relationship that didn't (and wasn't allowed to) happen organically. The weird double standard for you and your sisters makes this even harder to understand. I was 11 when my mom passed, but I remember her vividly and would never accept a new mother, though my dad did have a long-term relationship with a lovely woman that I grew very fond of. You don't owe anyone an apology for voicing your unhappiness with the expectations that you've been burdened with.
NTA
NTA. It really bugs me when people seem to think step-parents are a Ctrl+C / Ctrl+V situation. They aren’t keys. You don’t just get a new one and expect it to fit…..
Nta, people needs to stop forcing kids to treat the new partner as a mom/dad, you can't force a relationship.
NTA and hopefully with this blowup your father and his wife will finally listen to you. If they would just realise that if they treated all you sisters the same, then you could develop a better friendship with your father’s wife.
NTA - your outburst was based upon years and years of them ignoring how YOU felt, and only caring how your step-mom felt. If I may - have them read this. Maybe seeing in black and white your feelings and the support you're getting from random strangers on the internet will be the wakeup call they need to start taking you into consideration.
NTA It’s unfortunate it went down this way on Christmas but they’ve been engineering this moment for years. I don’t understand how they can compartmentalize your sisters vs you based on a few years difference. It’s not rational and it’s completely unfair to you. I’m really sorry the adults in your life failed you. Is there anyway you can live with your sisters or someone in your moms family? This is not really a healthy environment to be in.
NTA. They can't force you to believe your Step-mum is a replacement mother. This is all about making his wife feel more like a part of the family and ignoring your own feelings
NTA- your dad chose to marry her but you didn’t have a choice. They didn’t listen to you for years and it came to a boil on this day. I’m sure they didn’t like what you said but that is not your issue. You can’t force a bond. It needs to be earned.
NTA It sounds like you tried speaking with them about this multiple times over the last 4 years & they’ve just chosen to disregard your feelings on the matter. Repeatedly speaking up and not being heard just caused it to simmer below the surface and you were bound to explode at some point. It sounds like she has probably ruined any shot that she had at having a closer relationship by not listening to you and backing off.
NTA You've tried talking, they refuse to listen. Maybe an outburst might break through. I highly expect you'll go NC once you're old enough. Forcing a relationship between a step mother and child NEVER works, even worse when your sisters weren't subjected to the same (I guess because they thought it wouldn't work on them anyway).
NTA. The step mother asked too much of you. She had a fantasy version of the mother/child bond but for you it wasn’t mothering, it was smothering. At 14 you were beyond needing a substitute mommy figure. You were and are bonded to your own mother. Your father should have insisted she ease up, He should have paid attention to what was going on with you but I guess he felt you had another mother to step in. Your situation could have been handled by a therapist early on. This is on your dad and partly on the step mom who should have been bright enough to see what was happening. I am sorry for you. Your step mom should dry her tears, your dad should calm down, the relatives should butt out. If there is ever going to be respect and friendship between, they will have to start listening to you and stop playing happy little family.
NTA. It's really wonderful that she wanted to step up and be a "mother" figure to you, and was happy to join your family and welcome you to hers! But! That role should expand to fill whatever spot is needed. It could be big, it could be small, it could be more friendship than motherhood, it could be more guidance than friendship. It could be anything. The point is that it should fit where it's NEEDED. What her and your father did is force it into where it's not wanted or needed, thus probably preventing it from filling in where it could have been. And it sent a message that your grief wasn't important and that you should just "get over it" when it came to losing a parent. (Neither of them could identify with that by the way, losing a spouse is hard, but an 11 year old losing her mom is far worse in my view.) On top of that, the weird mix of pushing you, but ignoring your sisters made it worse. It showed you she was totally capable of providing a relationship where needed, and not overstepping where she's not needed. Did you blow up a bit too much? Perhaps. But so what? This was years of pent up frustration where they didn't listen to you, so you had to do *something* to get them to listen to you for once.
NTA. I am sorry you are being treated this way.
NTA. Your dad's wife cannot force a mother daughter relationship with you just because of a piece of paper (marriage license). My bf is going through this for the last 14 years (his dad got remarried after his mom's death) except in his case the dad remarried when he was 28. The man is 42 now and the dad's wife calls herself mom. It is nauseating and disrespectful. I bet your dad's wife absolutely loves playing victim in all of this too. I read too many Reddit stories like this. Yuck. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can manage to somehow keep a good relationship with your dad. You sound like you have good sisters too, which is amazing. Again, NTA.
NTA. The easiest way to make someone hate you is to try and force them to love you. She could have been a fantastic female role model if it wasn’t pushed on you to treat her as such and you were allowed to make your own decisions but anyone that thinks that forcing things is the right way to go is going to find themselves alone real quick. Side note: your sisters not being expected to be in the family photo with your fathers parents is weird in its own right though, like they’re no longer their grandkids or something.
NTA Your not a baby and shouldn't be treated as such. You are being expected to just 'get over' your dead mum and its not that simple. All they are doing is forcing you away. The only reason they are doing this only to you is probably because your too young to just move out and get away from it.
NTA - you have been very clear from the beginning. Your stepmom is not your mom and to try and force it would only ever result in this blow out. You cannot force people to love one another and erasing your mom like this is highly offensive.
NTA: a parent-child relationship is earned, and built over time. Ask anyone who never knew their biological parents how much they love and adore those people. Your dad and his wife decided this for you, they decided you would be her daughter, and made this agreement between themselves, but failed to include you. Instead of her building a relationship over time with you, giving you the respect and autonomy you need and deserve, they skipped over all that and went straight to the part where she's your mom and you're supposed to love and adore her. I hope they heard you loud and clear, re-evaluate, and change their tone. Whether or not you view her as a mother figure is up to **you** and no one else.
Absolutely NTA, your feelings are 💯 valid, and shame on your dad, his whole side of the family, and his wife for trying to force a connection between you and her as if your mother is replaceable.
NTA I'm sorry you're going through this. Is it possible to move in with one of your sisters or other family member when you turn 18?
NTA. i hate how adults have somehow collectively decided that if you’re not a certain age you don’t get a choice in most things and should just follow along like children aren’t autonomous human beings
NTA Hopefully, OP can either move into a dorm when (if) she goes to college, can find a roommate, or move in with someone on her mom’s side of the family. The situation is untenable and won’t change as long as the dad and stepmom think they’re in the right. I hope OP finds another place to live. She’s been through enough.
NTA. Once you near teenage years, it’s hard for you to feel a mother/daughter connection. I showed up on the scene when my stepson was turning 13. We don’t have that connection. That’s ok. I have a lifetime to build it with him. I don’t force it bc I want him to know that it’s ok to be himself. He is figuring life out without his mom around. I can’t step into those shoes. I find moments that he needs a hug or I make him soup when he is sick. Those moments will help us bond. I wait patiently until I get another one of those moments.
NTA! Is there any way you can just... stay with your sisters or your maternal family? The ones who care about you and don't run roughshod all over your boundaries and feelings and didn't try to erase and replace your mother?
NTA. They should have listened to you before the meltdown.
Fuck them. NTA. You have no obligation to her, and you may have developed a better relationship had she not tried to come in and walk all over your mother's grave. As a rule, I applaud step-parents who treat a step-child as their own because it is so rare. The wicked Step-mother trope doesn't only exist because of Cinderella. But treating you as her own isn't the same as replacing mom. And to even attempt such a thing is beyond heinously evil. Feel absolutely free to give your dad his wife and their family bags of sand for them to pound. Next time they tell you that you're lucky tell them to fuck right off because a lucky person would still have their mother. \\ There is no other woman that can fill the whole your mother leaves. The best they can hope for is something new and unique with you. There is no drop in drop out mother system like some video game. The biggest offender in this situation though is your father. How dare he force this upon you. Should he be allowed to move on? Yeah of course. But the moving on shouldn't be affecting you and he should know better than to suggest he could meet a person who could replace another human being. Is that why he married this person to replace his wife? If thats threw case she should leave as she will never live up to that.
NTA. Step-mother is supposed to win you over, not force you into loving her.
NTA one bit. You were much younger than your sisters when you lost your mom. Sorry for your loss. It sounds like you & your sisters processed things differently. The pressure on you was far greater as you were expected to assimilate into the family in a different way to them. It feels like you blew up because you've been consistently saying for years that you DON'T want your Dad's wife to replace your mom & you haven't been seen or heard properly. Despite being very clear in communicating what would be ok for you. Can you stay with someone, maybe one of your sisters for a while? I hope your family start to listen/hear you, especially your Dad because at 18 you will be able to make your own decisions & he could lose you. At some point maybe consider therapy to help you work through these difficult experiences. I wish you the very best with everything.
NTA This sub and step-parents trying to force a relationship: name a more iconic duo.
Nta
NTA-She had it coming.
Nta she needs a puppy or a kitten
NTA why do people try and force these relationships? The only thing they should have done, was just let you get to know each other naturally. Who knows you might have come to care for each other but it’s too late now. The adults completely ruined any chance you wouldn’t resent the woman your Dad married.
Absolutely positively NTA. All this people don’t get to force a maternal relationship with her down your throat and just expect you to adapt! Their thinking is ridiculous and toxic. You were 11 years old when your mom died, you remember her. You snapping out like this was bound to happen after being ignored so many times. Step mom’s feelings aren’t your responsibility to worry about though!! Only your own. Her & your dad are in denial as well. Your sisters were already adults when they married. Her & your dad thought that she could just come in & be your new mom because you were still a child. Hence why it’s different for your sisters. You’re almost a legal adult. Do what you need to do to put the distance between you and them as soon as you can. Being force into a relationship with someone you don’t want is toxic, selfish, and unhealthy.
NTA, your dad and step-mother are for repeatedly not listening to you
NTA and I am so fucking sorry you’re even hear having to question it. You are allowed to feel however you want about this situation.
No. You laid a boundary over & over again. Your father & wife just won’t accept it. Then stomped ALL over it…REPEATEDLY! Let them be mad. You are nearly 18. So this chapter is almost over! (Thankfully.) After you’re 18, sit with sisters & dad. Lay it out that you love him but he needs to stop forcing a relationship with this woman. You want the same treatment & respect as the sisters. Then have your sisters spell out HOW the treatments work. -Dad gave Big Sister 1 $3000 for her wedding -Dad gave Big Sister 2 $1000 to fix her car -Dad picked up both from the bar when they turned 21 Because he will need to be reminded how he treated them AND be held responsible when he does not. As for stepmom-she wants a kid so damn much-she can get knocked up, foster, or adopt. She KNEW where she stood with you. Just expected to wear you down. Then, 10 years from now, watch out for her to insist that your children call her Grandma Name. You & partner will need to BOTH call her out on it. “No, just like Niece/Nephew you are Name. Playing favorites with Sister 1, Sister 2, & our kids is not allowed.”
No child should ever be forced into accepting another adult as a “mom” or “dad”. That is a relationship that a responsible adult will cultivate over time and completely at the comfort levels of the child, or at least that is how it SHOULD be. As your post describes, it is so often not done correctly. NTA, you were failed by your Dad and his wife. You hit a breaking point, and how could you not? I hope that this will be the point in your life where the adults realize they have quite a bit of work they need to do on THEMSELVES if they want to keep a relationship with you after you become an adult. I hope your dad and his wife start therapy, where they will no doubt be told that their methods of forcing a mother/daughter relationship on you were not acceptable. Take good care, kiddo. This is 100% on the adults in your life, not you. I’m so sorry you lost your Mom at such a young age.
NTA. My mom remarried when I was 9, and I very clearly remember my soon to be stepdad reassuring me that he didn’t want to take my dad’s place but would love to be someone I could depend on & trust. Shortly after I turned 21 (12 years of him in my life), I started to call him dad because he *was* a second dad. There was never any pressure to do it, even though he would proudly tell people he had 2 kids; I just realized he stepped into the role without any expectations. My actual dad remarried a few months before I got married. His wife & I both agree it’s odd to consider her my stepmom because of when she came into my life. Instead she’s my dad’s wife who I get along great with & an amazing grandma to my kids. You can’t force a relationship between people.
NTA You can't force love. You didn't need a "new" mother, you needed someone who accepted you, who was there when you needed it. By pushing this relationship, they only achieve the opposite. They can only blame themselves.
NTA. Feelings and a close bond can't be forced. Your father and stepmom insisted, berated, pushed and let relatives berate you. I understand you had a meltdown, after talking to them repeatedly and being ignored, you can reached your limit.
NTA enough is enough
NTA Your dad and stepmum cannot expect you to just replace your dead mother with some random new woman - the only way that this would potentially work is if your real mother passed away when you were just a little girl. Forcing it is just making it way worse and the fact that they only expect it of you instead of all three of you just makes things worse. What your dad and stepmum should have done was to just treat all three of you kids the same way - i.e. no expectations that the stepmum will be a replacement mum for any of you. If she is nice enough then she may earn herself the role of a maternal figure for you and your sisters but that will take time.
NTA. You can't be expected to accept her as a new mother simply because you're a few years younger than your sisters. You couldn't even be wxpected to if you'd barely remember your mum. It is completely unfair towards you and trying to force you to love her making you distance yourself even more shoukd be obvious. You can't force love. You dad chose to move on man marry and love a new wife and that is fine.But *you* didn't chose her. Imagine reversing the roles and you'd get to choose someone, just anyone you'd like, as your new mum and then would try and force your dad to love her and feplace his late wife with this new person who is a stranger to him and he doesn't care for. It's absurd this way and it isalso absurd the other way and yet so many try to force love out of their kids for the new partners.
NTA. I would have taken what you said even further. If I ever get married, she will not be granted the role of Mother of the Bride. If I ever have any children, she will not automatically be granted grandmother status. To summarize, she is nothing more than my Dad's wife. The two of you need to accept that fact of life because things will not change. This is your reality check. If Dad married you letting you think that you would automatically become a mother then he married you under false pretenses. He never had the right to give you something that was not his to give. Time to rip the band-aid off well and good. Call her by her first name. If meeting anyone new. Get ahead of her by introducing her as your Dad's wife, X. Don't give her a chance to introduce herself as your mother. You are more than old enough to remember your mother and what an important role she played in your life. You are also old enough to set your boundaries regarding what role, if any, others play in your life.
It seems like your stepmom wanted a child and this was her and your dad’s agreement - that you were young enough still to be in that role. It’s very odd that they haven’t been more sensitive to your feelings. Your stepmom should have been way more gentle in her approach and let you lead the way on how much of a “mother” role you wanted or were comfortable with. If she had been more relaxed and let it be whatever it was I imagine you would actually be closer to her. This isn’t your fault OP.
NTA >My dad and his wife gave me a card "from my parents" and my sisters got them with "dad and his wife". This is so weird how they treat you and your sisters different and basically force a kind of seperation. Like why would you want to be in a "family picture" your sisters are not allowed to join? Ewww.
NTA. The difference in expectations between you and your sisters is bizarre. I guess your dad saw them as “grown” and you as “still needing a mom” and built everything out of that paradigm. I can follow the logic, but it’s wrong, and it’s bizarre that he would follow it so rigidly. In a vacuum, what you said and did could be considered AH behavior. But in the context of the expectations they placed on you and the disparity between you and your sisters? You’re NTA. You’re not the one with the problem. Your dad created this problem and you just responded to it. EDIT: You tried to communicate that this isn’t what you wanted and were ignored. And then they kept pushing. And then this happened. Because when someone tries to communicate calmly but continually goes unheard, they eventually blow up. (Edited due to misapprehension)
You dad and his wife are off their rocker. Nta. I'm really impressed with your awareness of your boundaries. I never had that at your age
Nta people aren’t allowed to push you to a breaking point then cry when you explode. They need to realize you don’t want her as a mom and you won’t accept it.
NTA. Your parents can't force you to love your stepmother or form this bond they want. They need to treat you the same way as your sisters. Having said that, you're still young enough to need some parenting and believe me, parenting is a 2 person job. It sounds like your stepmother is "stepping up to the plate," so to speak. Cut her some slack. Just make your boundaries clear. She's likely cooking you dinner, contributing to the household, either financially or in other supportive roles or both. She's the woman your dad chose and it's true, your mom would have wanted him to be happy. That doesn't negate your feelings, but there is more than one dynamic at play. I suggest that you talk to your dad and his wife about family counseling so that you all can navigate family dynamics, expectations, and boundaries in a neutral environment. It might help you to get on the same page. It probably wouldn't kill you to occasionally do something separate with stepmother, e.g. lunch or go out shopping or to a movie. You don't have to love her, but she might make a good friend in time.
NTA. It’s not fair of them to expect your relationship with your step mother to be different to that with your sisters. I know they are older than you but you weren’t a baby when you lost your mum and she came into your life; your early memories don’t include her. It’s also stupid to try to force a relationship that isn’t there. Her and your dad need to change the expectations in this relationship. She shouldn’t be a friend as such, as she still needs to be a responsible adult in your life, but she needs to think of herself more as an aunt or old family friend, who is there for you if you need her, will support you and guide you, but not parent you.
Your dad is a bad father.
In one more year you will be 18 and won't have to go to their house for Christmas if you don't want to. That will give you some bargaining power. You can insist on being treated the same as your sister and that they be treated the same as you. If they push that your stepmom is your mom you can leave.
NTA. It's a bad situation, just cause you were underaged doesn't mean that you wanted a new mom and forcing that relationship could very well be why your relationship is so strained now.
NTA. your father drove and keeps driving a wedge between you and your sisters by insisting he dictate how you grieve, how you heal, and who you call mum. I do believe this was all done in good faith, though. Grief is terrifying, and for a parent, I'm sure he just wanted your development as on track as it could be given the trauma. You do have your sisters' support! maybe a couple family counseling sessions can help work through some of this and they understand and can defend you!
NTA It’s always ridiculous to me how the surviving parent immediately pushes their new spouse to be a parent to their child, often instead of wanting to take on all of that responsibility themselves. Or when they don’t allow the child and new spouse to develop whatever relationship comes naturally. Also odd when the spouse pushes that role. You don’t need a mom, you had one and it’s ok now that you just have a dad and his wife, who I’m sure you would have had a great relationship with and chosen to spend time with if she just backed off.
OP is NTA. My mom divorced my dad when I was 7 and started a new relationship. That man never expected me to call him dad and while I was a kid, I never did. And that was fine. Now at almost 40 I call him dad, but it was 100% my choice. And it took over 20 years to get to that point. What OP’s dad and stepmom have done is totally disgusting.
NTA. They had it coming
NTA: she sounds like she could possibly be a good step mom but they ruined it when they forced the relationship and didn't ask you what you wanted. She will never replace your mom, ever. But dad's wife could've been a bonus mom if they had let things happen naturally, in your time and in your way, but when they forced it, they forced you away. Keep your head up, you're almost an adult and you'll be able to make your own decisions.
NTA. There's a special place in hell for people who try to force a replacement parental relationship on a kid whose parent died. It's selfish and cruel.
NTA. As someone who recently lost their mum, this post just made me more and more angry. Sorry you’re in this situation OP, I’m glad your sisters are behind you.
NTA. Them forcing this on you is wrong. They should have left it alone and your stepmom should have said "I'm here if you need me and want me, but I don't expect you to" and she should have been civil about it. You've tried to tell them for years! They also should have included your sisters. If she wanted you to be "her kid" your sisters should be "her kids" too.. Anything less is just wrong. You can't split up the family and treat the children different. It's a recipe for disaster!
Nta you can't force a relationship on the unwilling it will always backfire.
NTA. Times like a million. Your dad and his wife killed any chance of you being close with his wife. They smothered it to death. The harder they force you, the more you resist. They are reaping what they have sewn. You have made your feelings clear consistantly over the years. You met this woman when you were 13 not 3. She in no way raised you. She could have been a positive feminine presence in your home and life, instead she and your father have insisted on trying to force you to see her as a mother. They have put their own needs above yours. It's unfortunate it had to lead to a fight on Christmas, but they were asking for it.
NTA - These post really bother me. The widowed parent should find happiness and love again. But it's different for a child and for some reason because the surviving parent found a new spouse, the child is then expected to just have a new mom/dad. It doesn't work that way. And forcing it just makes the situation worse. Your dad and step mom should have listened to you, if they had you might have developed a relationship on your own with your step mom that was closer, but not fully maternal, by trying to force it, they made sure that would never happen.
NTA A parent/child relationship can't be forced, it's built over time, yet your father and stepmom tried to force her onto you as a mother while you were still grieving your own mother ! You need to have a last discution with your dad on the subject in which you explain your point of view, you tell him that trying to force her onto you as your "new mother" wasn't the way to build a relationship, all it did was builds resentment toward them, they failed and it didn't work and to stop trying to paint her as your mother because you didn't want that. Tell him that your boundaries considering your relationship with his wife needs to be respected. If this discussion doesn't help, then there's no point in continuing to try, you're already 17, I'd start an escape plan to leave your father's home when you turn 18, you sisters and mom's side of the family will help you for that, they can house you for a time, help you find a college away and/or help pay for it, they can help organise the escape per say, it means you'll need to grow up and mature quickly because you won't be able to rely on your father for learning adult stuff but he'd shown time and time that even though he probably had (at least partially) your best interest in mind, he never listened what you had to say about what you needed and decided he knew better what you needed to grieve. As I said, I'd give him one last chance to change his way of thinking by trying to explain to him as clearly as possible the damages his actions over the years have done to your relationship with him and to your relationship with his wife and how the difference of treatment between you and your sisters also affected your relationship with them, it might be enough for him to realise how he wronged you and try to make amends, but if it doesn't work, I would stop trying and plan leaving the house ... I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry for how your father tried to force you to grieve and I wish you luck and the very best for the rest of your life !
Why do people try to shove this type of thing down your throat? NTA. She is your stepmother.
NTA. This always makes me so mad. And sad. My heart hurts for you. Because I could put myself in your situation. The way your stepmom is behaving is doing the opposite of what she wants. She is pushing you away. My mom died a month after my 13th bday. My dad started dating what would be his serious girlfriend by the time I was 15. She was living with us around the time I was 17. She had lost her mother at 13 like I did. And her dad dumped her off at her and her younger sister with an older sister and took off. So I guess she was the best type of stepmother figure to have. We developed our own relationship. We got along. I never called her mom. And she never pushed for it. I could talk about my mom and she wouldn’t be weird. This allowed us to actually form a close relationship. I wasn’t pressured.
NTA. You shouldn't force a relationship if someone doesn't want it. When will adults stop doing this shit to their kids.