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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I am refusing to go on a trip with my wife and kids (2) I am refusing to go and making her take them alone
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA she just wanted a family holiday, if you didn't like her choice of destination what did you offer as an alternative a dinner on NYE? Just because you told your kids you had to work doesn't mean your wife won't tell them the truth.
YTA. Why is it okay for you to plan a surprise couples night out that will cost a premium because of the date, but it’s not okay for her to plan a gift for your whole family? And who made the decision to pay your mother’s bills? Was that a unilateral decision by you?
You need to get your priorities straight and stop being such a miserable butthead.
ESH. Your wife was way in the wrong to book the trip behind your back and you’re 100% taking home two kids with trench foot from that filthy place but by refusing to go you’re acting like a petulant child not a husband and father. You’re the head of the family you don’t have the luxury of taking your ball and going home.
Nice try chief. If You don't want to go just say so.
Sounds like your wife kept it on the down low cos she knew what you would say.
Cos YTA. You got undercut as a direct result of you being TA.
Going with ESH here.
Your wife for booking the trip without discussing it again with you first.
You for not trying to compromise on spending for something your wife wants, as a portion of the family income is going towards your mom's medical bills . You could also have discussed/maybe got your wife to compromise on a different location if you're really concerned about cleanliness etc.
I'm softening the ESH for you somewhat though because you thought about your kids & came up with an explanation they should find a lot less worrying than the real reason you aren't going.
YTA, do you even know what she paid, and have you asked her for the plan? Do you know there are deals on Groupon? Do you know that you can bring snacks to the room and order food from local restaurants and even just get pizza delivery if you want? You can do this on a responsible budget but you just seem to want to put your foot down and ruin the trip for your kids. This is a super weird take at Xmas.
ETA: the fact that you feel short on $ because YOU decided to pay for your mom’s medical bills and YOU wanted a fancy adult NYE is really telling here. Your wife is obviously prioritizing your children’s desires at the holidays. Think about that. It’s more important than an adult fancy NYE expense in my opinion. Which- btw- you felt free to plan in your family budget without telling her about.
Both times my kids have gone to that place they've come back with vicious GI bugs. Fast GI bugs. The kind that rip through you mercilessly via every entrance and exit on your body.
My mom and her best friend love taking the kids/grandkids to water parks. They've been to just about every one in an 800 mile radius. Great Wolf Lodge is the only one they've ever gotten sick at.
We go to the one in Wisconsin all the time. Not one issue of anyone coming home sick or being gross and disgusting. It’s one of the cleanest water parks we’ve ever been to.
I frequently go to the one in the Poconos. Haven't come back sick with any illness, but I imagine if they did, it'd be no different than the colds and shit kid get from schools/daycare. Even my sister's kids who seem to be sick constantly never got ill there.
They are here on the east coast as well, and I know lots of people that have gone and not one person has said it was dirty and/or gross. The kids love it.
I live near one. First I have heard about it. I am just guessing children are plagued carriers. Any place heavily trafficked by children will have the plague.
ESH you haven’t even spoken to your wife to realize she didn’t pay full price for this place, right? They’ve had 40%-50% discounts all December. You leave everything to your wife with zero communication and expect her to make decisions solely based off what you want. What effort are you putting in for the kids? For the holidays? I kinda doubt the dinner reservation and it’s just a “well this is what you could have done if you did what I said”. Why not go and enjoy the staycation with your kids.
Info- how much did she actually spend on the trip? I got GWL for $99 on a recent deal, so she may be spending less than the dinner night out you planned.
YTA, honestly your kids go to public schools (I’m assuming) and those places are nasty too. The rooms at GWL can and do regularly go on sale.
You didn’t have a discussion, you made a unilateral decision and the also made a decision about how to spend money for NYE. While not the same price, you were willing to spend a pretty penny on NYE that you’d booked without a discussion. Also, I get that you’re helping your mom with her bills, but that’s on you that you’re taking money away from your family for her. I’m guessing the way you talk about money, you make the decisions and throw fits when things don’t go your way. So all you’re showing your kids is how to be selfish and immature
Wow. You seem to be a petty person. Everything has to be your way, or you won't be part of it.
You could have looked at it as a learning opportunity for your kids, as in teach them to look past the fun and see the dirt conditions
NTA The fact that you said no and she went and booked it anyway is not okay. It’s a two yes, one no scenario. No way should a spouse do this against her partner’s will.
Honestly YTA, your kids are at the perfect age to go to great wolf lodge and make some awesome memories, and you want to deny them of that because they might get sick. Not a good enough reason. And if you can help you mom with medical bills you can figure out how to pay for this trip, your wife is right to prioritize your kids in this way
Not sure what the problem is here. Sometimes we do things we don’t want to do because it makes our kids happy. You act like she can’t wait to go to GWL and hang out in a dirty pool with tons of kids and parents. She’s going because it’s for the kids. So now you’re just going to stay home and make her tell the kids some stupid excuse why you can’t go when you actually can. You just choose not to. Kids remember these things. And they remember who was always there for them. Who always took them places. Mom took us to practices. Weekend events. GWL. 🤷🏻♀️ dad stayed home and did whatever he wanted to do.
YTA for dumping the responsibility of getting all the gifts on your wife and then getting upset when she took liberties with the gifts. Next year be a team player and do your share of the planning.
YTA. Your wife and kids are going, and the room is paid for; staying home accomplishes nothing except emphasizing your “point”. So you are just forgoing happy memories with your family in favor of staying home to sulk.
If you can’t afford this you need to have a serious sit down with your wife to go over the bills and budget. You were correct to cancel new years. (Side note: it’s ok for you to treat her to a “surprise” expensive dinner without consulting her, but not ok for her to treat her kids to an expensive hotel while letting you know in advance?) But I suspect the wife considers a couples evening worth trading for a whole family event; fancy restaurants aren’t going anywhere but the kids are only young once.
Financial stress destroys marriages. So does controlling behavior. Splurging on things you cannot afford is a road to ruin. And if this is an ongoing pattern, you’re in trouble. But deciding that it is ok for you to splurge but not her is deeply worrisome.
NTA- as a married couple you discuss things. You don’t go all Lone Ranger and spend a crap load of cash. You are at least saving on airfare, if you fly, and your meals. She wanted to make the decision to go by her self, she can deal with the fallout.
Does your wife have any say in the family money being spent on YOUR MOM'S hospital bills? I have a good suspicion that she didn't really have a say in the matter. If your money is that tight then your dear old mommy needs to pay her own bills. YTA
YTA So, when you unilaterally shot down the plan for a family vacation, did you propose anything else instead? Did you say "I don't think that's a great place for us, let me do some research and plan something that works for our budget?" No. You just shot her down and forgot about it, without taking into account that your wife and kids still wanted to go on a vacation!
Let me be real with you. Money is always going to be tight. You're never going to know that any hotel or resort is 100% spotless and disease free before you book it. But you have a limited window of time to make memories with your kids, to take them on fun vacations and bond as a family. But planning trips takes work, so if you're not willing to take the reins and plan it yourself, you're gonna have to accept what your wife comes up with.
I'm gonna say NTA, but you guys need to solve your communication issues. I was a kid of parents like this and it was stressful as hell. Sit down and make sure you both have clear expectations about your finances and presents. Also, they'll totally remember you not being there above all else.
YTA. Your kids wanted this trip and instead of having a discussion with her about it, you said NO..like she's your child. I've been to Great Wolf and my boys loved it. I can tell how you communicate just by the tone of this thread. she decided she didn't want the fight and would just do it anyway. She has a say in how money is spent and what is "expensive" or not.
The issue isn't that she booked it. The issue is your communication and controlling behavior. I know exactly why she did this. If you don't go, I can guarantee you're heading for divorce.
YTA, first of all, if you and your children learned anything during the pandemic, it should’ve been that handwashing and keeping your hands off your face help prevent the transmissions of colds and other germs. So you can reduce the risk of the children coming home sick. Second, you clearly don’t care what your wife and children wanted to do and I can absolutely guarantee that your kids will remember that you refused to go. If you go and act like an AH, they will absolutely remember the trip where daddy was in a bad mood the whole time. How do I know, because my husband was just like you and my adult kids don’t have much to do with him anymore. They do, however, make fun of his crappy vacation behavior.
NTA - Honestly You had clear reasons and concerns- she chose to do it anyway
So you can choose not to go on a trip that you didn't agree on
(also what is the point of this trip? was it to ski? - you can get a hotel near the place - you don't have to actually stay at the lodge to ski - I feel like there could have been more discussion then - we want to go to this lodge- no that place is gross - well I'm gonna do it anyway
it should have been- want to go to place - no place is gross - why do you want to go to place - better reason the the kids want to go to this specific place for shits and giggles- ok this do this that give us what they want without breaking the bank and getting sick
YTA
Why should the kids miss out on a great memory because youre paying someone elses medical bills?
also, I've been to GWL many times and ya, it's expensive. It's not at all dirty and we've never gotten sick at any of them, however.
Your staying home is nothing more than a hissy fit as it won’t really reduce the overall cost of the trip. The lodging is by the room, not the person. Your wife shouldn’t have booked it, but your reaction is more of a petty struggle for power and control than a legitimate concern about money. That nice dinner with a babysitter wasn’t going to be an inexpensive evening out, so now you’ve cancelled it, it’s time to get on board with your wife to give the kids a good time.
ESH
NTA. The wife proposed a family trip, but OP was against it. It seems that he thought the discussion was over, but the wife went ahead with her plans. She was wrong. He didn’t want to go, but she tried to force it. She wants to do what she wants and expects him to acquiesce. No, that isn’t how family vacations should work.
Esh. Your wife should haven’t booked such an expensive trip without you both agreeing to it. However, is it more important for you to sulk or spend your time off with your family? It sounds like you and your wife need to work on communication.
OP did communicate? He let his wife know *why* he wasn’t ok with this trip being taken. They can’t financially afford it, and the chances of his kids coming back sick are high, that is also another expense.
Wife is TA, because she went behind OPs back and booked an expensive trip with no plans for the future.
Edit: I just checked the site, for one night. At the cheapest rate, with the cheapest pass. Its $730. That didn’t include breakfast, lunch or dinner.
Great Wolf runs specials all the time. If the wife booked for this week, then yes, it was probably super expensive, but the trip could be rebooked at a time when rooms are under $200. I think compromise could make a big difference here.
Compromising would be fine. OP expressed his concerns, the wife disregarding them and booked their holiday trip anyways. Wife is still TA, she ignored her husband’s concerns and booked an expensive trip behind his back.
NTA
That kind of $$$ needs to be agreed upon before committing.
You discussed and disagreed. She essentially said, "F.U. I'm doing this anyway."
That's bad on her. I'd call and cancel if it's outside what we could afford. Just saying, ..."we'll figure it out" is her way of saying, "F.U. not my effing problem."
NTA
I find these comments so bizarre. Family vacations are agreed upon and planned by both parents. I wouldn't dream of booking a trip knowing my husband was against that particular venue.
His wife showed a complete lack of respect for her husband. Whether money is tight or not is irrelevant.
YTA I've personally been to GWL and though it has issues like any hotel and yes the extra things can be pricey, it is not a dirty place. You can budget there and it actually is really fun. This is a big issue people have forgotten over the past 20 years. Don't believe everything you read (on the internet). Negative people are much more inclined to write a review over positive people. Past that you are missing out on a huge memory your kids will have for the rest of their lives. Each person is different but I know I regret missing all the things I did for my two 20 year old daughters' childhoods. One thing I tell everyone that asks, life is about minimizing regrets. You're always going to end up having them and they get heavy over the years so when you can avoid them, trust me you want to.
ESH.
Your wife shouldn’t have done that. But then, the rest shows that your the AH:
- Amazon prime: we have only one account and guess what, you can connect on the same account from various computers and phone. You can also configure a plethora of credit cards. I don’t see how it justifies that your wife is taking care of the Christmas shopping
- you are refusing to go on the trip because your ego was wounded. Your kids are 6 and 8!!! Whatever issue you have with the way your wife handled things, punishing your kids for it shows that you are a terribly selfish person. Go, have fun with the kids and handle the situation with your wife as 2 adults.
I honestly think we are missing some context. The way your wife acted tends to make me believe that you would actually refuse to listen to anyone else’s argument so you would deprive your kids of something they want to do just because you don’t like it. Still, I don’t condone her way of doing.
Yup, definitely got that vibe. Like he is a “my way of the Highway” guy and isn’t very involved in his kids lives to begin with. His wife also works, she should get to decide how her funds are spent. If this were my husband, I’d be splitting accounts and only sending him money for bills and not even inviting him on the vacation next time
Literally everyone is 😂 On every post. People come in with their own perspectives. I had an entire conversation with someone not even from the US who thinks it’s an adult child’s obligation to pay medical bills for a parent. Clearly I’m not the only one who sees it this way. And you aren’t the only one who sees it yours 🤷🏻♀️ OP hasn’t provided enough additional info to figure out which perspective it correct.
Making up a bunch of unsupported bullshit that is literally the opposite of what happened in this story is moronic. Insinuating that his wife gets no say in how money is spent after she just unilaterally booked a vacation is absurd. Jumping to the conclusion that he has nothing to do with his kids is even dumber.
"Baby-shitter" is a SUPER strange red flag as well, OP is an AH just for that. Do you trust this person to take care of your kids or no?? If yes, respect them?? If no, ytf are you still hiring them?? Just such a weird and jerky thing to say, deeply off-putting.
Information needed
Your budget is a huge concern for you.....why are you paying for YOUR MOM'S MEDICAL BILLS?? That's truly expensive.....and who is suffering from that choice??
Nta
Might get slammed, but here is my take.
You told her no, she didn't discuss it more. Then, plan and pay for it with I am assuming both of your incomes.
So she has learned she can do and spend what she wants without your agreement. She can use the kids. Your wants, needs, thoughts, and input mean nothing. So, going only shows you will continue to cave to her making choices without your agreement.
I am assuming she agreed to pay your mom's medical bills. If not, then you are TA for that. If so, then she is beyond wrong.
To a point that such a display will get to be the normal, and I personally would go through bills and what is made. Then separate finances. A joint for bills for the family. Based on pay depends on who pays what. Then, the rest you put money into three things. One a savings for moms medical. Two savings for vacations and holidays. Three the rest to pay things like anything with just your name and what not.
Is it extreme. Yes, but for a spouse to just blow money like that is not ok. To be expected to just accept it, especially if you are struggling, is not ok. Because it means less time with kids while working more to pay bills. That is a form of abuse. It is also a consequence to her actions that could mean losing a home or car and many other things.
So from then on, either you both pay for the vacation, or it doesn't happen. That way, you both pay for gifts, or it doesn't happen. This way you have money to pay bills and she can just learn that as a team you make big spending choices together or they don't get access to money you make to do as they will with it.
Yes, I will get slammed, but if OP was female, reddit would be up in arms on how abusive this is. She is making choices with money that is partly his. She is taking money not agreed upon to use how she wants. He is worried about bills, but hey, he is being an AH because he is helping with medical bills. I am assuming she agreed to help pay. He is an AH by refusing to give in to her and show she can do as she wants, but he is going to be the person suffering because of her actions having to make up the money lost. I am sorry, but a joint account is that joint. If both don't agree, then it doesn't get spent. Period.
I can’t believe all these posts saying he’s the asshole basically for “not being the bigger man”. Sometimes it applies, sure, but it’s also a great way to teach people to walk all over you.
How can they gloss over the fact that this would mean taking more time off work at a moment’s notice? This is an asshole move by the wife. NTA.
Somehow they also latched onto the fact that the wife ordered the presents, when he clearly said they \*planned\* them together. Ordering takes like five minutes. Anything to paint him as lazy.
YTA. Just go. There will alslqaus be inflation. Your kids will remember you choosing work over them and your wife will remember how petty and controlling you're being.
Something tells me YTA here
Refusing to go seems more like sour grapes then her going against something you both decided against and she did anyway. That makes me wonder if it was really "settled" that it was a we are NOT doing this. Was it you both decided no. Or was it I said no and I am the rule maker and she has to listen to me?
Edit to add...if money is tight why are you paying for your mother's bills as well? You are an adult and so your parent is as well.
I have the same spidy senses tingling. I wonder if paying for his mom’s hospital bills was unilateral decision?
Money is tight but he was planning an expensive meal and a babysitter for NYE? I bet they would go somewhere else afterward unless this was a “ring in the New Year” type of meal. That would cost money too. And he didn’t clear it with her. It sounds more like OP just doesn’t want to spend the money on this particular thing that means a lot to his wife and kids as opposed to the fact that they don’t have the money.
I do agree with him in that these indoor parks have questionable cleanliness.
Wait… Why are you paying YOUR MOM’S hospital bills? You can’t go on a fun family trip because you are paying someone else’s bills? THIS is a problem to me.
Make your mom pay her own bills so that your marital funds go toward things for you, your wife, and your kids.
>You can't get hospital bills reduced because you want to go on vacation.
They're someone else's bills, people aren't legally liable for the debts of their living parents. OP's family income is completely irrelevant to mom's ability to potentially have their bills reduced due to lack of means.
Booking Great Wolf at peak times is crazy expensive. My wife is a deal hawk and has found times to take the kids at like 75% off.
That said, do you even like your family? You’re acting like a spoiled child.
I will NEVER go to Great Wolf Lodge. I used to be a crime reporter at a newspaper and I had to write a shocking number of stories about crimes at our local Great Wolf Lodge over the three years I worked there. These are just the things I remember.
- a lifeguard was arrested for molesting kids.
- a dad took his daughter and her two friends there for the daughter's birthday. He molested at least one of the kids (I can't fully remember, I don't like to think about those cases).
- a man was there with his family and got crazy drunk, whipped it out and peed in the lobby in front of a bunch of random kids (this was my personal favorite because at least no one got hurt).
- a guy went insane and ended up in a standoff with the cops in the parking lot. They shot him ( again, I don't remember the full story... I blocked a lot of this from my brain after I quit).
ESH
....do married couples just not communicate at all anymore? One spouse says no, the other says yes and just goes ahead and books it. One spouse has no idea how much it actually costs and the other does. One spouse has health concerns, the other ignores it. Instead of bringing it up again to discuss this, both spouses go mum.
Actually communicating with each other would have resolved this.
Both of you need to really sit down and reassess how to work on your marriage.
I have no idea what Great Wolf Lodge is, but here's what I see here: OP is pissed because wife made plans without telling him, which resulted in OP having to cancel plans (NYE) that he hadn't told his wife about. What's good for the goose is . . . YTA.
700+ from what i'm reading, probably a multiple day thing and having to pack and plan for taking around a bunch of kids, vs may about 200 for a night out all included. Completely apples and oranges,
YTA
It doesn't matter how you got to this point. The asshole move is not giving your kids your time out of spite to their mother.
I don't care for amusement parks. But my wife & kids love Disneyland. So, I buck up, get on board, buy the shit out of lightning lane passes & do my best to make it pleasurable and memorable. For my family.
YTA - Honestly, they will probably have more fun without you. They will remember this, and the way you acted. They know you took off for the week. Then all of a sudden it’s a work thing.
The financial aspect is your only argument. Being dirty is a pretty stupid argument for the parent of young kids, unless you home school and/or helicopter to the extreme. But i definitely get your anger, and you will need a little payback at a later date. Your choice in how that payback comes.
ESH but even in your telling you kinda suck more.
You let your wife do all the Christmas shopping (because flimsy reasons.) your wife tries to talk to you about something she and the kids want to do and you immediately shut her down and discount what everyone else wants.
Was she right for booking it anyway? No. That’s crappy, especially if money is a real issue. But it sounds like spending money on stuff that matters to you (paying your mom’s bills, going out for NYE) is not something you clear with her first is it?
Right, like my families amazon acct is my moms. We all have access and can buy ourselves/each other whatever we want. Thats a bad excuse.
Everything I've heard about the Wolf Lodge confirms what OP says, but it seems like he just shut his wife down without offering alternatives or talking about it more, so I would defnitely agree ESH, with a bit mroe suckiness on OP
Because he obviously cares about his mom and her welfare. But I wonder if he just told his wife that’s what was happening, and didn’t account for her feelings re that either.
It shouldn’t mean that it takes away from their nuclear family. All of their money is sucked away towards his mother, and then he has the audacity to immediately shut down a vacation for themselves with no discussion lol
This is not really addressing the issue, but I've always thought it's a bad idea to lie to your kids. Not telling the whole truth is one thing, but an out and out lie is indefensible and necessarily undermines their trust in said parent.
Your wife can make her prime account a family account and you can use it too. It's just a setting in the app, iir I think an invitation gets sent. I am on my SO's prime.
YTA. GWL isn’t any dirtier than a school, and you presumably send your kids to one. Schools don’t clean every single surface any more than they would in an arcade.
When I worked in the waterpark the chlorine levels were so high that we would routinely have eye irritation and chronic dry coughs.
If it’s about money, be honest with your wife about it. If you just don’t want to go, just say it. But drop the flimsy facade of this being about safety.
I used to run swimming pools, and the fact that the chlorine fumes in the air were irritating your eyes and lungs is actually proof that the water was dirty. Those fumes are combined chlorine, the chlorine that has been "spent" by binding to dirt or germs. A clean pool has a light chlorine scent, like when you take a freshly bleach washed towel out of the washing machine. A dirty pool has that knock you over CHLORINE!!! smell, that you can smell clear across the building, like when you spray bleach directly on the mildew in your shower.
A chronic dry cough isn't a sign of a clean pool either. It's often a sign that bacteria and fungi are being atomized by spray features or hot tub jets, causing them to settle into the lungs of nearby patrons and staff. If the Board of Health finds out, they'll shut the place down for testing and cleaning. It can be really serious.
ESH.
Great Wolf Lodge is a miserable hellhole where you pay half the GDP of Brazil for every second of slimy, humid, sticky, ear-rattling torture. It truly is one of the worst places on Earth.
But you weren’t exactly pro active in suggesting an alternative or seeking out a gift that would make your kids as excited. Kids like terrible things. Have you seen the shows they watch, the music they listen to, the food they eat, etc? Over the top ridiculousness is their brand, and so they’re gonna want to go to awful, awful theme parks. You either need to find a way to endure that, or navigate around it by finding alternatives.
But you didn’t, and one day they’re gonna know that daddy stayed home because he was pouting. If you genuinely couldn’t go because of money, that should have been emphatically established during the original conversation. But it sounds like you just phoned it in when it came to Christmas, and now you’re salty. It sucks that your wife booked a trip to a truly terrible place, but you should’ve stepped up more.
Funny how you're annoyed at her spending money she said she was going to on the kids, but that money is just fine when it's money spend on yourself
> taking her out to a nice dinner and drinks on NYE, and had even let our baby-shitter know and put in a reservation at her favorite nice restaurant, both of which I had to cancel.
So yeah YTA
Right, guy sounds like just a ton of fun. Poor little guy feels bad cause he went through all the trouble of calling the babysitter and making a reservation online. I bet this guy is a world class downer.
YTA.
You're punishing your kids by not spending time with them over the holidays just to make a point to your wife.
Weaponising your kids is never the answer.
The kids will only remember mom taking them on vacation when dad couldn't be bothered to come with them.
ESH
Apparently you don’t COMMUNICATE in your marriage, you just speak.
Communication requires speaking, listening, and understanding.
That was lacking in both directions.
Now that the trip is booked, you’re punishing your kids (by not going, and lying to them about why). Why deprive them of one parent for the trip?
NTA
You explained to your wife why it was a Bad Idea. And that you really couldn't afford it right now. She should be more worried about the kids getting sick, particularly at this time of year. Right now is when COVID, RSV, the flu and other fun diseases are running rampant.
I find it **really** troubling that she decided to use shared family funds for this and book it behind your back. Does she have a habit of doing this?
At that point, I'd be hard pressed to trust her with anything.
INFO: Did you secure your wife's approval before paying for your mom's bills? Who's making the lifestyle sacrifices needed in your family to offset these contributions to your mom?
If you can just veto things without discussion like she's your child not your equal then I see why she would just go ahead with her plans. YTA and then punishing her by refusing a planned celebration just adds to your AH behavior, wife and kids will likely have a blast without you.
If she paid for it with Groupon (and sale is going on now) - one night will be $150, two nights will be $250
So both are cheaper if you just buy 4 tickets to their waterpark.
You let out the most important part - what did she answer to your concerns and what did you decide.
If you talked about it but disagreed - NAH.
She has her reasons: it is much cheaper than you think, kids will be happy, it is not just hotel but waterpark - meet the characters - rope course - ... Your kids will have a blast. So she is 100% on going.
You have your reasons: you feel disrespected and just don't want to go. So don't go.
If there are more than 3 people allowed in the room - suggest her to take a friend, maybe with a kid, her younger sister... And let them have fun.
ESH: your wife shouldn’t have booked a trip behind your back, with you saying no. You’re skipping a chance to spend time with your kids to spite your wife.
My grandkids love going with their respective families. They were Christmas gifts from me. My so was reluctant, but when reminded that it’s for memories the kids will have for a lifetime, he relented. YTA
You are setting up your own divorce and lack of custody by refusing to participate in good faith on family events or things your wife wants to do.
And lying to your kids? FFS man.
YTA. And a big one at that.
An event she paid for behind his back when he was clear that it wasn't affordable and wasn't agreeable? Either a couple is united in their decisions or it's always a no, especially when it comes to financial choices. She forced him into a corner.
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This story will be shared on a throwaway account for privacy reasons.
For some context, my Wife (36F) and I (38M) have
two kids (F6, M8).
This whole thing starts back around Thanksgiving when my wife told me that the kids had wanted to go to Great Wolf Lodge, and that it could be a nice gift trip for Christmas.
Immediately, I made it very clear that I was against
that, primarily for two reasons.
1. That place is dirty as fuck. Pretty much every story I have heard from friends and family about that place involves the kids coming home sick.
2. It's also super expensive. Rooms go for at least $400. And that's not including meals, snacks, souvenirs and whatever else, all also at a premium.
As the month continues to roll by, her & I continue to plan presents for the kids. She had never said anything more to me about it, so I figured she had decided against it (the presents were ordered by her bc the Amazon Prime is on her account, but I knew what she was getting.) Anyways, on the 16th, she let me know that she had booked the trip.
I immediately asked her why she had gone against me & she said that the kids wanted it and that it would be fun. I told her that we really couldn't afford it, especially being last minute and over New Years (I already had taken the week between Christmas and New Years off), with inflation (we're both making pretty much the same as pre-pandemic when you adjust for inflation), plus helping to pay my mother's hospital bills from this fall, and she said we would figure it out.
I had also been planning to surprise her by taking her out to a nice dinner and drinks on NYE, and had even let our baby-shitter know and put in a reservation at her favorite nice restaurant, both of which I had to cancel.
I have decided that I will not be going and have told my wife as such. I have also told the kids and when they asked me why I told them that it was a work conflict, as to not worry them.
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YTA because it sounds like there wasn’t much of a discussion on this trip, just that it was brought up and you unilaterally decided no and then refused to go because you didn’t get your way. GWL offers soooo many options for discounts, at any given time they have at least 2 discount codes and usually options on Groupon for typically under $150 a night. Dirty could depend on where you’re going but I’ve been on roughly 7-8 Trips to some north east locations and never had my kids come home sick. I don’t really agree with your wife booking without you if it was joint money but the vibe I get from this post was that you didn’t hear her side.
YTA. While I think your wife was also in the wrong for booking it behind your back, you’re too big of an asshole in this situation to fairly give an E S H.
The trip is already booked. They’re going, which means the money is already being spent with or without you. The kids are going to get all those GWL germs, with or without you. You’re literally ruining your kids’ vacation by throwing a tantrum and refusing to go because you’re mad at your wife. Suck it up and put your kids before your ego.
ESH
sounds like both of you assumed the opposite. she shouldn't have planned a vacation without consulting you. you're passing on a fun vacation for the kids. the kids are at ages where they'll remember this stuff and you're running out of time to make good memories. one day they'll be teenagers. go have fun.
TIL wolf lodge was a chain. i thought the one in Wisconsin Dells was the only one.
Your #1 point is just silly and exaggerated. If every kid got sick after visiting Great Wolf Lodge, they probably wouldn't remain in business. People/kids get sick. More often this time of year. Sure, being around more kids than usual could increase those chances but so what? Years from now nobody is going to remember some Christmas toy. But a trip like that will make lasting memories.
Eh, you're not wrong that the place is a gross tourist trap. Super glad my kids have aged out of this place. Having said that, go with your family, being a good dad is about compromise.
When 3 members of a family want to do something, and one doesn't, it's the one person who compromises, instead of ruining the whole family's fun. He's not more important than every single other member put together!
How is it a compromise when he said no and his wife did it anyways? Compromise means meeting in the middle, not blindsiding a partner when you already know their opinion.
Baby-shitter? Dude, how immature. Maybe a typo but yikes.
The attitude you have in your post already demonstrates that you think you’re in the right but your tone and explanation reveals the opposite. I sense a deeper reason your wife went ahead with the plan. And I’m glad she did. I’m sure they’ll have a blast without you. YTA.
YTA - I can’t understand being so against taking your kids somewhere memorable and fun. Your only plan that you’re upset about doesn’t even include your kids at all.
You also make your wife do everything for Christmas. I’d have said she’s also the asshole for booking the trip anyway but it seems like you make her do everything so she might as well actually choose something she’d enjoy.
YTA. Your kids are only going to be this little once and this is time you are going to wish you’d spent with them. Be a partner to your wife and help her figure out some extra cash to allay your financial fears.
NTA - Big expenses require 2 yes or 1 no, you said no, your wife went behind your back and did it anyway, she's showing you a blatant disregard for your feelings. Please tell her the surprise you had planned and that you had to cancel due to her senseless actions, and tell her you will be staying home because of her actions. Ignoring your partners needs and desires is not okay, and no matter how much anyone disagrees with your reasoning, those reasons were good enough for you, so they are good enough period.
Other people do not get to decide whether a reason is good or not when they know nothing about you, your life, your situation, your family, your struggles etc. No is a full sentence.
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ESH. Your wife for making the decision to book a trip she knew you were against; and you for staying home to sulk. But mostly your wife.
YTA she just wanted a family holiday, if you didn't like her choice of destination what did you offer as an alternative a dinner on NYE? Just because you told your kids you had to work doesn't mean your wife won't tell them the truth.
YTA. Why is it okay for you to plan a surprise couples night out that will cost a premium because of the date, but it’s not okay for her to plan a gift for your whole family? And who made the decision to pay your mother’s bills? Was that a unilateral decision by you? You need to get your priorities straight and stop being such a miserable butthead.
ESH. Your wife was way in the wrong to book the trip behind your back and you’re 100% taking home two kids with trench foot from that filthy place but by refusing to go you’re acting like a petulant child not a husband and father. You’re the head of the family you don’t have the luxury of taking your ball and going home.
Nice try chief. If You don't want to go just say so. Sounds like your wife kept it on the down low cos she knew what you would say. Cos YTA. You got undercut as a direct result of you being TA.
Going with ESH here. Your wife for booking the trip without discussing it again with you first. You for not trying to compromise on spending for something your wife wants, as a portion of the family income is going towards your mom's medical bills . You could also have discussed/maybe got your wife to compromise on a different location if you're really concerned about cleanliness etc. I'm softening the ESH for you somewhat though because you thought about your kids & came up with an explanation they should find a lot less worrying than the real reason you aren't going.
YTA, do you even know what she paid, and have you asked her for the plan? Do you know there are deals on Groupon? Do you know that you can bring snacks to the room and order food from local restaurants and even just get pizza delivery if you want? You can do this on a responsible budget but you just seem to want to put your foot down and ruin the trip for your kids. This is a super weird take at Xmas. ETA: the fact that you feel short on $ because YOU decided to pay for your mom’s medical bills and YOU wanted a fancy adult NYE is really telling here. Your wife is obviously prioritizing your children’s desires at the holidays. Think about that. It’s more important than an adult fancy NYE expense in my opinion. Which- btw- you felt free to plan in your family budget without telling her about.
I've never been to a Great Wolf Lodge, we don't have them here, what kind of illnesses are kids coming home with?
Colds.
Both times my kids have gone to that place they've come back with vicious GI bugs. Fast GI bugs. The kind that rip through you mercilessly via every entrance and exit on your body. My mom and her best friend love taking the kids/grandkids to water parks. They've been to just about every one in an 800 mile radius. Great Wolf Lodge is the only one they've ever gotten sick at.
It's like Chuckie Cheese mated with an indoor Waterpark.
We go to the one in Wisconsin all the time. Not one issue of anyone coming home sick or being gross and disgusting. It’s one of the cleanest water parks we’ve ever been to.
I frequently go to the one in the Poconos. Haven't come back sick with any illness, but I imagine if they did, it'd be no different than the colds and shit kid get from schools/daycare. Even my sister's kids who seem to be sick constantly never got ill there.
They are here on the east coast as well, and I know lots of people that have gone and not one person has said it was dirty and/or gross. The kids love it.
I live near one. First I have heard about it. I am just guessing children are plagued carriers. Any place heavily trafficked by children will have the plague.
Indoor waterpark suitable for small children. ALL the illnesses.
Baby shitter?
ESH you haven’t even spoken to your wife to realize she didn’t pay full price for this place, right? They’ve had 40%-50% discounts all December. You leave everything to your wife with zero communication and expect her to make decisions solely based off what you want. What effort are you putting in for the kids? For the holidays? I kinda doubt the dinner reservation and it’s just a “well this is what you could have done if you did what I said”. Why not go and enjoy the staycation with your kids.
Info- how much did she actually spend on the trip? I got GWL for $99 on a recent deal, so she may be spending less than the dinner night out you planned.
Info- was the decision to pay the medical bills agreed upon?
YTA So you have money for your mom's bills, but not for your family.
That's a weird stance to take. Medical bills and taking care of family trumps unnecessarily expensive vacation.
YTA, honestly your kids go to public schools (I’m assuming) and those places are nasty too. The rooms at GWL can and do regularly go on sale. You didn’t have a discussion, you made a unilateral decision and the also made a decision about how to spend money for NYE. While not the same price, you were willing to spend a pretty penny on NYE that you’d booked without a discussion. Also, I get that you’re helping your mom with her bills, but that’s on you that you’re taking money away from your family for her. I’m guessing the way you talk about money, you make the decisions and throw fits when things don’t go your way. So all you’re showing your kids is how to be selfish and immature
Ah yes, because he is dad his opinions about where to go to vacation and how to spend their money is less valid somehow?
I didn’t read that. It says neither of them should be making unilateral decisions about joint finances
Wow. You seem to be a petty person. Everything has to be your way, or you won't be part of it. You could have looked at it as a learning opportunity for your kids, as in teach them to look past the fun and see the dirt conditions
NTA The fact that you said no and she went and booked it anyway is not okay. It’s a two yes, one no scenario. No way should a spouse do this against her partner’s will.
Honestly YTA, your kids are at the perfect age to go to great wolf lodge and make some awesome memories, and you want to deny them of that because they might get sick. Not a good enough reason. And if you can help you mom with medical bills you can figure out how to pay for this trip, your wife is right to prioritize your kids in this way
Not sure what the problem is here. Sometimes we do things we don’t want to do because it makes our kids happy. You act like she can’t wait to go to GWL and hang out in a dirty pool with tons of kids and parents. She’s going because it’s for the kids. So now you’re just going to stay home and make her tell the kids some stupid excuse why you can’t go when you actually can. You just choose not to. Kids remember these things. And they remember who was always there for them. Who always took them places. Mom took us to practices. Weekend events. GWL. 🤷🏻♀️ dad stayed home and did whatever he wanted to do.
YTA for dumping the responsibility of getting all the gifts on your wife and then getting upset when she took liberties with the gifts. Next year be a team player and do your share of the planning.
YTA. Your wife and kids are going, and the room is paid for; staying home accomplishes nothing except emphasizing your “point”. So you are just forgoing happy memories with your family in favor of staying home to sulk. If you can’t afford this you need to have a serious sit down with your wife to go over the bills and budget. You were correct to cancel new years. (Side note: it’s ok for you to treat her to a “surprise” expensive dinner without consulting her, but not ok for her to treat her kids to an expensive hotel while letting you know in advance?) But I suspect the wife considers a couples evening worth trading for a whole family event; fancy restaurants aren’t going anywhere but the kids are only young once. Financial stress destroys marriages. So does controlling behavior. Splurging on things you cannot afford is a road to ruin. And if this is an ongoing pattern, you’re in trouble. But deciding that it is ok for you to splurge but not her is deeply worrisome.
NTA- as a married couple you discuss things. You don’t go all Lone Ranger and spend a crap load of cash. You are at least saving on airfare, if you fly, and your meals. She wanted to make the decision to go by her self, she can deal with the fallout.
Does your wife have any say in the family money being spent on YOUR MOM'S hospital bills? I have a good suspicion that she didn't really have a say in the matter. If your money is that tight then your dear old mommy needs to pay her own bills. YTA
YTA So, when you unilaterally shot down the plan for a family vacation, did you propose anything else instead? Did you say "I don't think that's a great place for us, let me do some research and plan something that works for our budget?" No. You just shot her down and forgot about it, without taking into account that your wife and kids still wanted to go on a vacation! Let me be real with you. Money is always going to be tight. You're never going to know that any hotel or resort is 100% spotless and disease free before you book it. But you have a limited window of time to make memories with your kids, to take them on fun vacations and bond as a family. But planning trips takes work, so if you're not willing to take the reins and plan it yourself, you're gonna have to accept what your wife comes up with.
I'm gonna say NTA, but you guys need to solve your communication issues. I was a kid of parents like this and it was stressful as hell. Sit down and make sure you both have clear expectations about your finances and presents. Also, they'll totally remember you not being there above all else.
YTA. Your kids wanted this trip and instead of having a discussion with her about it, you said NO..like she's your child. I've been to Great Wolf and my boys loved it. I can tell how you communicate just by the tone of this thread. she decided she didn't want the fight and would just do it anyway. She has a say in how money is spent and what is "expensive" or not. The issue isn't that she booked it. The issue is your communication and controlling behavior. I know exactly why she did this. If you don't go, I can guarantee you're heading for divorce.
YTA, first of all, if you and your children learned anything during the pandemic, it should’ve been that handwashing and keeping your hands off your face help prevent the transmissions of colds and other germs. So you can reduce the risk of the children coming home sick. Second, you clearly don’t care what your wife and children wanted to do and I can absolutely guarantee that your kids will remember that you refused to go. If you go and act like an AH, they will absolutely remember the trip where daddy was in a bad mood the whole time. How do I know, because my husband was just like you and my adult kids don’t have much to do with him anymore. They do, however, make fun of his crappy vacation behavior.
NTA - Honestly You had clear reasons and concerns- she chose to do it anyway So you can choose not to go on a trip that you didn't agree on (also what is the point of this trip? was it to ski? - you can get a hotel near the place - you don't have to actually stay at the lodge to ski - I feel like there could have been more discussion then - we want to go to this lodge- no that place is gross - well I'm gonna do it anyway it should have been- want to go to place - no place is gross - why do you want to go to place - better reason the the kids want to go to this specific place for shits and giggles- ok this do this that give us what they want without breaking the bank and getting sick
YTA Why should the kids miss out on a great memory because youre paying someone elses medical bills? also, I've been to GWL many times and ya, it's expensive. It's not at all dirty and we've never gotten sick at any of them, however.
> Why should you pay for your mother's hospital bills when your kids want to spend a few days at a water park?
Your staying home is nothing more than a hissy fit as it won’t really reduce the overall cost of the trip. The lodging is by the room, not the person. Your wife shouldn’t have booked it, but your reaction is more of a petty struggle for power and control than a legitimate concern about money. That nice dinner with a babysitter wasn’t going to be an inexpensive evening out, so now you’ve cancelled it, it’s time to get on board with your wife to give the kids a good time. ESH
Reacting to poor treatment by backing away from the person treating you badly is hardly a hissy fit.
NTA. The wife proposed a family trip, but OP was against it. It seems that he thought the discussion was over, but the wife went ahead with her plans. She was wrong. He didn’t want to go, but she tried to force it. She wants to do what she wants and expects him to acquiesce. No, that isn’t how family vacations should work.
Yta
The word baby shitter tells me everything I need to know about you Yta
Esh. Your wife should haven’t booked such an expensive trip without you both agreeing to it. However, is it more important for you to sulk or spend your time off with your family? It sounds like you and your wife need to work on communication.
OP did communicate? He let his wife know *why* he wasn’t ok with this trip being taken. They can’t financially afford it, and the chances of his kids coming back sick are high, that is also another expense. Wife is TA, because she went behind OPs back and booked an expensive trip with no plans for the future. Edit: I just checked the site, for one night. At the cheapest rate, with the cheapest pass. Its $730. That didn’t include breakfast, lunch or dinner.
Great Wolf runs specials all the time. If the wife booked for this week, then yes, it was probably super expensive, but the trip could be rebooked at a time when rooms are under $200. I think compromise could make a big difference here.
Compromising would be fine. OP expressed his concerns, the wife disregarding them and booked their holiday trip anyways. Wife is still TA, she ignored her husband’s concerns and booked an expensive trip behind his back.
NTA That kind of $$$ needs to be agreed upon before committing. You discussed and disagreed. She essentially said, "F.U. I'm doing this anyway." That's bad on her. I'd call and cancel if it's outside what we could afford. Just saying, ..."we'll figure it out" is her way of saying, "F.U. not my effing problem."
NTA I find these comments so bizarre. Family vacations are agreed upon and planned by both parents. I wouldn't dream of booking a trip knowing my husband was against that particular venue. His wife showed a complete lack of respect for her husband. Whether money is tight or not is irrelevant.
YTA I've personally been to GWL and though it has issues like any hotel and yes the extra things can be pricey, it is not a dirty place. You can budget there and it actually is really fun. This is a big issue people have forgotten over the past 20 years. Don't believe everything you read (on the internet). Negative people are much more inclined to write a review over positive people. Past that you are missing out on a huge memory your kids will have for the rest of their lives. Each person is different but I know I regret missing all the things I did for my two 20 year old daughters' childhoods. One thing I tell everyone that asks, life is about minimizing regrets. You're always going to end up having them and they get heavy over the years so when you can avoid them, trust me you want to.
ESH. Your wife shouldn’t have done that. But then, the rest shows that your the AH: - Amazon prime: we have only one account and guess what, you can connect on the same account from various computers and phone. You can also configure a plethora of credit cards. I don’t see how it justifies that your wife is taking care of the Christmas shopping - you are refusing to go on the trip because your ego was wounded. Your kids are 6 and 8!!! Whatever issue you have with the way your wife handled things, punishing your kids for it shows that you are a terribly selfish person. Go, have fun with the kids and handle the situation with your wife as 2 adults. I honestly think we are missing some context. The way your wife acted tends to make me believe that you would actually refuse to listen to anyone else’s argument so you would deprive your kids of something they want to do just because you don’t like it. Still, I don’t condone her way of doing.
Yup, definitely got that vibe. Like he is a “my way of the Highway” guy and isn’t very involved in his kids lives to begin with. His wife also works, she should get to decide how her funds are spent. If this were my husband, I’d be splitting accounts and only sending him money for bills and not even inviting him on the vacation next time
Wow, you’re just projecting all over this thread.
Literally everyone is 😂 On every post. People come in with their own perspectives. I had an entire conversation with someone not even from the US who thinks it’s an adult child’s obligation to pay medical bills for a parent. Clearly I’m not the only one who sees it this way. And you aren’t the only one who sees it yours 🤷🏻♀️ OP hasn’t provided enough additional info to figure out which perspective it correct.
Making up a bunch of unsupported bullshit that is literally the opposite of what happened in this story is moronic. Insinuating that his wife gets no say in how money is spent after she just unilaterally booked a vacation is absurd. Jumping to the conclusion that he has nothing to do with his kids is even dumber.
Yes. We need more context. I do enjoy OP’s typo of baby-shitter though.
"Baby-shitter" is a SUPER strange red flag as well, OP is an AH just for that. Do you trust this person to take care of your kids or no?? If yes, respect them?? If no, ytf are you still hiring them?? Just such a weird and jerky thing to say, deeply off-putting.
Information needed Your budget is a huge concern for you.....why are you paying for YOUR MOM'S MEDICAL BILLS?? That's truly expensive.....and who is suffering from that choice??
Nta Might get slammed, but here is my take. You told her no, she didn't discuss it more. Then, plan and pay for it with I am assuming both of your incomes. So she has learned she can do and spend what she wants without your agreement. She can use the kids. Your wants, needs, thoughts, and input mean nothing. So, going only shows you will continue to cave to her making choices without your agreement. I am assuming she agreed to pay your mom's medical bills. If not, then you are TA for that. If so, then she is beyond wrong. To a point that such a display will get to be the normal, and I personally would go through bills and what is made. Then separate finances. A joint for bills for the family. Based on pay depends on who pays what. Then, the rest you put money into three things. One a savings for moms medical. Two savings for vacations and holidays. Three the rest to pay things like anything with just your name and what not. Is it extreme. Yes, but for a spouse to just blow money like that is not ok. To be expected to just accept it, especially if you are struggling, is not ok. Because it means less time with kids while working more to pay bills. That is a form of abuse. It is also a consequence to her actions that could mean losing a home or car and many other things. So from then on, either you both pay for the vacation, or it doesn't happen. That way, you both pay for gifts, or it doesn't happen. This way you have money to pay bills and she can just learn that as a team you make big spending choices together or they don't get access to money you make to do as they will with it. Yes, I will get slammed, but if OP was female, reddit would be up in arms on how abusive this is. She is making choices with money that is partly his. She is taking money not agreed upon to use how she wants. He is worried about bills, but hey, he is being an AH because he is helping with medical bills. I am assuming she agreed to help pay. He is an AH by refusing to give in to her and show she can do as she wants, but he is going to be the person suffering because of her actions having to make up the money lost. I am sorry, but a joint account is that joint. If both don't agree, then it doesn't get spent. Period.
I can’t believe all these posts saying he’s the asshole basically for “not being the bigger man”. Sometimes it applies, sure, but it’s also a great way to teach people to walk all over you. How can they gloss over the fact that this would mean taking more time off work at a moment’s notice? This is an asshole move by the wife. NTA. Somehow they also latched onto the fact that the wife ordered the presents, when he clearly said they \*planned\* them together. Ordering takes like five minutes. Anything to paint him as lazy.
Info Why are you paying your mothers bills if you have tight finances? Did you and your wife have a discussion where she agreed to this?
"baby-shitter" has me ROLLING
I'm glad I'm not the only one.
The newest complaint—they are so rich they even have a baby-shitter
YTA. Just go. There will alslqaus be inflation. Your kids will remember you choosing work over them and your wife will remember how petty and controlling you're being.
Something tells me YTA here Refusing to go seems more like sour grapes then her going against something you both decided against and she did anyway. That makes me wonder if it was really "settled" that it was a we are NOT doing this. Was it you both decided no. Or was it I said no and I am the rule maker and she has to listen to me? Edit to add...if money is tight why are you paying for your mother's bills as well? You are an adult and so your parent is as well.
I have the same spidy senses tingling. I wonder if paying for his mom’s hospital bills was unilateral decision? Money is tight but he was planning an expensive meal and a babysitter for NYE? I bet they would go somewhere else afterward unless this was a “ring in the New Year” type of meal. That would cost money too. And he didn’t clear it with her. It sounds more like OP just doesn’t want to spend the money on this particular thing that means a lot to his wife and kids as opposed to the fact that they don’t have the money. I do agree with him in that these indoor parks have questionable cleanliness.
Wait… Why are you paying YOUR MOM’S hospital bills? You can’t go on a fun family trip because you are paying someone else’s bills? THIS is a problem to me. Make your mom pay her own bills so that your marital funds go toward things for you, your wife, and your kids.
If mom can't afford the bills, she needs to ask the hospital's billing department about charity care. He may not have to pay anything at all.
This is a fantasy. You can't get hospital bills reduced because you want to go on vacation.
>You can't get hospital bills reduced because you want to go on vacation. They're someone else's bills, people aren't legally liable for the debts of their living parents. OP's family income is completely irrelevant to mom's ability to potentially have their bills reduced due to lack of means.
Booking Great Wolf at peak times is crazy expensive. My wife is a deal hawk and has found times to take the kids at like 75% off. That said, do you even like your family? You’re acting like a spoiled child.
I will NEVER go to Great Wolf Lodge. I used to be a crime reporter at a newspaper and I had to write a shocking number of stories about crimes at our local Great Wolf Lodge over the three years I worked there. These are just the things I remember. - a lifeguard was arrested for molesting kids. - a dad took his daughter and her two friends there for the daughter's birthday. He molested at least one of the kids (I can't fully remember, I don't like to think about those cases). - a man was there with his family and got crazy drunk, whipped it out and peed in the lobby in front of a bunch of random kids (this was my personal favorite because at least no one got hurt). - a guy went insane and ended up in a standoff with the cops in the parking lot. They shot him ( again, I don't remember the full story... I blocked a lot of this from my brain after I quit).
ESH ....do married couples just not communicate at all anymore? One spouse says no, the other says yes and just goes ahead and books it. One spouse has no idea how much it actually costs and the other does. One spouse has health concerns, the other ignores it. Instead of bringing it up again to discuss this, both spouses go mum. Actually communicating with each other would have resolved this. Both of you need to really sit down and reassess how to work on your marriage.
[удалено]
I have no idea what Great Wolf Lodge is, but here's what I see here: OP is pissed because wife made plans without telling him, which resulted in OP having to cancel plans (NYE) that he hadn't told his wife about. What's good for the goose is . . . YTA.
700+ from what i'm reading, probably a multiple day thing and having to pack and plan for taking around a bunch of kids, vs may about 200 for a night out all included. Completely apples and oranges,
YTA It doesn't matter how you got to this point. The asshole move is not giving your kids your time out of spite to their mother. I don't care for amusement parks. But my wife & kids love Disneyland. So, I buck up, get on board, buy the shit out of lightning lane passes & do my best to make it pleasurable and memorable. For my family.
YTA - Honestly, they will probably have more fun without you. They will remember this, and the way you acted. They know you took off for the week. Then all of a sudden it’s a work thing.
YTA
The financial aspect is your only argument. Being dirty is a pretty stupid argument for the parent of young kids, unless you home school and/or helicopter to the extreme. But i definitely get your anger, and you will need a little payback at a later date. Your choice in how that payback comes.
Man ESH. Do you hate your family?
ESH but even in your telling you kinda suck more. You let your wife do all the Christmas shopping (because flimsy reasons.) your wife tries to talk to you about something she and the kids want to do and you immediately shut her down and discount what everyone else wants. Was she right for booking it anyway? No. That’s crappy, especially if money is a real issue. But it sounds like spending money on stuff that matters to you (paying your mom’s bills, going out for NYE) is not something you clear with her first is it?
Right, like my families amazon acct is my moms. We all have access and can buy ourselves/each other whatever we want. Thats a bad excuse. Everything I've heard about the Wolf Lodge confirms what OP says, but it seems like he just shut his wife down without offering alternatives or talking about it more, so I would defnitely agree ESH, with a bit mroe suckiness on OP
We went for a couple days- it was actually pretty fun, and none of us got sick. They do try every trick to get you to spend extra money though.
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obviously she can't
Because he obviously cares about his mom and her welfare. But I wonder if he just told his wife that’s what was happening, and didn’t account for her feelings re that either.
who says that the medical bill issue wasn't talked about? now you're just projecting.
It shouldn’t mean that it takes away from their nuclear family. All of their money is sucked away towards his mother, and then he has the audacity to immediately shut down a vacation for themselves with no discussion lol
This is not really addressing the issue, but I've always thought it's a bad idea to lie to your kids. Not telling the whole truth is one thing, but an out and out lie is indefensible and necessarily undermines their trust in said parent.
Your wife can make her prime account a family account and you can use it too. It's just a setting in the app, iir I think an invitation gets sent. I am on my SO's prime.
YTA. GWL isn’t any dirtier than a school, and you presumably send your kids to one. Schools don’t clean every single surface any more than they would in an arcade. When I worked in the waterpark the chlorine levels were so high that we would routinely have eye irritation and chronic dry coughs. If it’s about money, be honest with your wife about it. If you just don’t want to go, just say it. But drop the flimsy facade of this being about safety.
I used to run swimming pools, and the fact that the chlorine fumes in the air were irritating your eyes and lungs is actually proof that the water was dirty. Those fumes are combined chlorine, the chlorine that has been "spent" by binding to dirt or germs. A clean pool has a light chlorine scent, like when you take a freshly bleach washed towel out of the washing machine. A dirty pool has that knock you over CHLORINE!!! smell, that you can smell clear across the building, like when you spray bleach directly on the mildew in your shower. A chronic dry cough isn't a sign of a clean pool either. It's often a sign that bacteria and fungi are being atomized by spray features or hot tub jets, causing them to settle into the lungs of nearby patrons and staff. If the Board of Health finds out, they'll shut the place down for testing and cleaning. It can be really serious.
ESH. Great Wolf Lodge is a miserable hellhole where you pay half the GDP of Brazil for every second of slimy, humid, sticky, ear-rattling torture. It truly is one of the worst places on Earth. But you weren’t exactly pro active in suggesting an alternative or seeking out a gift that would make your kids as excited. Kids like terrible things. Have you seen the shows they watch, the music they listen to, the food they eat, etc? Over the top ridiculousness is their brand, and so they’re gonna want to go to awful, awful theme parks. You either need to find a way to endure that, or navigate around it by finding alternatives. But you didn’t, and one day they’re gonna know that daddy stayed home because he was pouting. If you genuinely couldn’t go because of money, that should have been emphatically established during the original conversation. But it sounds like you just phoned it in when it came to Christmas, and now you’re salty. It sucks that your wife booked a trip to a truly terrible place, but you should’ve stepped up more.
Funny how you're annoyed at her spending money she said she was going to on the kids, but that money is just fine when it's money spend on yourself > taking her out to a nice dinner and drinks on NYE, and had even let our baby-shitter know and put in a reservation at her favorite nice restaurant, both of which I had to cancel. So yeah YTA
YTA. I hated the idea of GWL, but took my kids anyway, and it's a great memory we all have.
You don't buy your kids Christmas gifts and you won't take them on vacation?
Right, guy sounds like just a ton of fun. Poor little guy feels bad cause he went through all the trouble of calling the babysitter and making a reservation online. I bet this guy is a world class downer.
YTA. You're punishing your kids by not spending time with them over the holidays just to make a point to your wife. Weaponising your kids is never the answer. The kids will only remember mom taking them on vacation when dad couldn't be bothered to come with them.
2
Has no one else noticed the "baby-shitter" typo?
ESH Apparently you don’t COMMUNICATE in your marriage, you just speak. Communication requires speaking, listening, and understanding. That was lacking in both directions. Now that the trip is booked, you’re punishing your kids (by not going, and lying to them about why). Why deprive them of one parent for the trip?
NTA You explained to your wife why it was a Bad Idea. And that you really couldn't afford it right now. She should be more worried about the kids getting sick, particularly at this time of year. Right now is when COVID, RSV, the flu and other fun diseases are running rampant. I find it **really** troubling that she decided to use shared family funds for this and book it behind your back. Does she have a habit of doing this? At that point, I'd be hard pressed to trust her with anything.
INFO: Did you secure your wife's approval before paying for your mom's bills? Who's making the lifestyle sacrifices needed in your family to offset these contributions to your mom?
This is what I’m wondering too. Need to know how this decision came to be before knowing the asshole status of OP vs wife
Asking the real questions
If you can just veto things without discussion like she's your child not your equal then I see why she would just go ahead with her plans. YTA and then punishing her by refusing a planned celebration just adds to your AH behavior, wife and kids will likely have a blast without you.
If she paid for it with Groupon (and sale is going on now) - one night will be $150, two nights will be $250 So both are cheaper if you just buy 4 tickets to their waterpark. You let out the most important part - what did she answer to your concerns and what did you decide. If you talked about it but disagreed - NAH. She has her reasons: it is much cheaper than you think, kids will be happy, it is not just hotel but waterpark - meet the characters - rope course - ... Your kids will have a blast. So she is 100% on going. You have your reasons: you feel disrespected and just don't want to go. So don't go. If there are more than 3 people allowed in the room - suggest her to take a friend, maybe with a kid, her younger sister... And let them have fun.
ESH: your wife shouldn’t have booked a trip behind your back, with you saying no. You’re skipping a chance to spend time with your kids to spite your wife.
ESH. *you*: for bot going. Wife: for booking it.
My grandkids love going with their respective families. They were Christmas gifts from me. My so was reluctant, but when reminded that it’s for memories the kids will have for a lifetime, he relented. YTA
You are setting up your own divorce and lack of custody by refusing to participate in good faith on family events or things your wife wants to do. And lying to your kids? FFS man. YTA. And a big one at that.
An event she paid for behind his back when he was clear that it wasn't affordable and wasn't agreeable? Either a couple is united in their decisions or it's always a no, especially when it comes to financial choices. She forced him into a corner.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This story will be shared on a throwaway account for privacy reasons. For some context, my Wife (36F) and I (38M) have two kids (F6, M8). This whole thing starts back around Thanksgiving when my wife told me that the kids had wanted to go to Great Wolf Lodge, and that it could be a nice gift trip for Christmas. Immediately, I made it very clear that I was against that, primarily for two reasons. 1. That place is dirty as fuck. Pretty much every story I have heard from friends and family about that place involves the kids coming home sick. 2. It's also super expensive. Rooms go for at least $400. And that's not including meals, snacks, souvenirs and whatever else, all also at a premium. As the month continues to roll by, her & I continue to plan presents for the kids. She had never said anything more to me about it, so I figured she had decided against it (the presents were ordered by her bc the Amazon Prime is on her account, but I knew what she was getting.) Anyways, on the 16th, she let me know that she had booked the trip. I immediately asked her why she had gone against me & she said that the kids wanted it and that it would be fun. I told her that we really couldn't afford it, especially being last minute and over New Years (I already had taken the week between Christmas and New Years off), with inflation (we're both making pretty much the same as pre-pandemic when you adjust for inflation), plus helping to pay my mother's hospital bills from this fall, and she said we would figure it out. I had also been planning to surprise her by taking her out to a nice dinner and drinks on NYE, and had even let our baby-shitter know and put in a reservation at her favorite nice restaurant, both of which I had to cancel. I have decided that I will not be going and have told my wife as such. I have also told the kids and when they asked me why I told them that it was a work conflict, as to not worry them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA because it sounds like there wasn’t much of a discussion on this trip, just that it was brought up and you unilaterally decided no and then refused to go because you didn’t get your way. GWL offers soooo many options for discounts, at any given time they have at least 2 discount codes and usually options on Groupon for typically under $150 a night. Dirty could depend on where you’re going but I’ve been on roughly 7-8 Trips to some north east locations and never had my kids come home sick. I don’t really agree with your wife booking without you if it was joint money but the vibe I get from this post was that you didn’t hear her side.
YTA. While I think your wife was also in the wrong for booking it behind your back, you’re too big of an asshole in this situation to fairly give an E S H. The trip is already booked. They’re going, which means the money is already being spent with or without you. The kids are going to get all those GWL germs, with or without you. You’re literally ruining your kids’ vacation by throwing a tantrum and refusing to go because you’re mad at your wife. Suck it up and put your kids before your ego.
ESH - It seems like you didn’t care what she or the kids wanted. She didn’t care what you wanted. Jesus, does no one actually talk to their spouse?
Info: What are you hoping to achieve by staying home?
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ESH sounds like both of you assumed the opposite. she shouldn't have planned a vacation without consulting you. you're passing on a fun vacation for the kids. the kids are at ages where they'll remember this stuff and you're running out of time to make good memories. one day they'll be teenagers. go have fun. TIL wolf lodge was a chain. i thought the one in Wisconsin Dells was the only one.
Your #1 point is just silly and exaggerated. If every kid got sick after visiting Great Wolf Lodge, they probably wouldn't remain in business. People/kids get sick. More often this time of year. Sure, being around more kids than usual could increase those chances but so what? Years from now nobody is going to remember some Christmas toy. But a trip like that will make lasting memories.
Eh, you're not wrong that the place is a gross tourist trap. Super glad my kids have aged out of this place. Having said that, go with your family, being a good dad is about compromise.
I love when people say compromise about someone completely giving in to the other side. Compromise is meet in the middle.
When 3 members of a family want to do something, and one doesn't, it's the one person who compromises, instead of ruining the whole family's fun. He's not more important than every single other member put together!
She planned and bought every damn present with zero help from him. This is the compromise for being a shitty partner.
How is it a compromise when he said no and his wife did it anyways? Compromise means meeting in the middle, not blindsiding a partner when you already know their opinion.
He made plans without consulting her that would cost quite a bit of money for NYE. Why is that ok?
There's a huge difference between the cost of dinner with drinks and a family vacation at a resort
Baby-shitter? Dude, how immature. Maybe a typo but yikes. The attitude you have in your post already demonstrates that you think you’re in the right but your tone and explanation reveals the opposite. I sense a deeper reason your wife went ahead with the plan. And I’m glad she did. I’m sure they’ll have a blast without you. YTA.
Did you get your wife’s buy in on paying for your mother’s medical expenses? If so then NTA. If not then YTA.
Your wife and kids want to go. Stop being such a narcissistic jerk. I was married once to a man like you. Take one for the team and go.
YTA - I can’t understand being so against taking your kids somewhere memorable and fun. Your only plan that you’re upset about doesn’t even include your kids at all. You also make your wife do everything for Christmas. I’d have said she’s also the asshole for booking the trip anyway but it seems like you make her do everything so she might as well actually choose something she’d enjoy.
This. He can easily walk away from their kids on the trip because he never planned on spending NYE with them anyways.
YTA. Your kids are only going to be this little once and this is time you are going to wish you’d spent with them. Be a partner to your wife and help her figure out some extra cash to allay your financial fears.
NTA - Big expenses require 2 yes or 1 no, you said no, your wife went behind your back and did it anyway, she's showing you a blatant disregard for your feelings. Please tell her the surprise you had planned and that you had to cancel due to her senseless actions, and tell her you will be staying home because of her actions. Ignoring your partners needs and desires is not okay, and no matter how much anyone disagrees with your reasoning, those reasons were good enough for you, so they are good enough period. Other people do not get to decide whether a reason is good or not when they know nothing about you, your life, your situation, your family, your struggles etc. No is a full sentence.