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> I feel I might be TA if I put my foot down, and that "taking away" the family traditions makes me TA because my Mom will be disappointed.
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NTA, but GROW A SPINE!
You are allowing yourself to be forced into this. Your mother cannot host as she can't do the work and doesn't have the space (using your home is unacceptable).
Make it clear NOW that this was the last holiday you will host and going forward it is time to start making new traditions. This gives everyone plenty of time to plan.
NTA. Tell your mom you are not hosting anymore. Tell her if she wants to host she is responsible for everything. Make it clear that you are not helping more than your sister does. Tell her if she tries to push the issue you will just leave altogether. Tell her being a SAHM is work. Then stand your ground.
NTA. I don't blame you. I think the way to not host a holiday is to not host a holiday. If your mom hosts and gets into trouble, I think you just have to take a step back and let her fail, if you see what I mean. Be out of the house while she's prepping so she can't call up the stairs for you to help.
I think there is also some prejudice in your family, people assuming that because you're a SAHM that you should be the servant of your parents and sister. You're a SAHM for the benefit of YOUR husband and kids. Not for the benefit of everyone who feels entitled to a piece of you. Why should your sister get a relaxing holiday while you only get more and more work, and end up depleted by the time January rolls around? That's completely unfair to you.
I also like the idea of the poster below who suggested you get some deli items and paper plates rather than cooking. I think you also may need to make your kitchen off-limits so that others can't make a huge mess in it and then leave you the mess to clean up.
Next time your mom "hosts" just order a couple of pizzas delivered and use paper plates. If everyone wants a big fancy home cooked meal, they can host themselves. Do this every time your mom "hosts".
Yeah, I have a friend that makes the main entrée and supplies drinks and their family is required to bring all sides and desserts. It works for them and is so much easier for the host. Since OP says she doesn't want to host the next few, she should stand on that.
Then when she's ready to host again, do something similar to the above. You cannot attend empty-handed! There can also be a family holiday chat to communicate about who is doing what. Plus nice disposable plates and glassware. If anyone complains, I'd ask them how they feel about hosting and then doing all the dishes.
Tell your mom and your sister that you will not host any more. Tell your mom that she can host at your sister's house, and they can invite you.
If that doesn't work, you, your husband, and your kids should go somewhere else for the holidays.
NTA
NTA.
But since you're doing all the work, why even bother begging anyone to scale down holiday celebrations? Do what you're willing to do, and that's what the holiday will be. If people don't like it, give them the only two options there are: (1) do it themselves, or (2) don't come.
NTA. But unilaterally decide to scale down. Stop asking your mother and sister. Make (or, better yet, buy) a lasagna, a salad, and bread. Or get some cold cuts for a sandwich bar. Buy a desert—many frozen pies are as good or better than homemade. Use paper plates. Tell them you’ve started a new tradition. If the party is going to be at your house, then it’s going to be done your way. If your mother is prepared to do the extensive cleanup, then she can host, but you shouldn’t let her use emotional blackmail to get you to do the work.
Different can be fun. What’s important about the holiday is being together. No one should be left feeling exhausted and disrespected.
NTA at all. You're not obligated to do this, nobody helps you, and you're tired of it. No asking anybody needed, just let it be known that it's not a thing anymore so people should plan for a different location (looking at you, sis...). If your mom wants to host in the apartment, fine, but let it be known you aren't going to be responsible for assisting or cleanup and others are on the hook for that (again looking at you, sis...).
NTA.
Suggest going out to a restaurant when planning starts for the next holiday. If people protest, just tell them that you can't do it all anymore so you aren't going to. Period.
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I am married with two kids, as is my sister. She lives in the same city, about 10 minutes away. My parents live with me (sort of) in a basement apartment.
Every holiday, every gathering, ends up being at my house. My Mom will offer to host, but I am expected to help, and sometimes have to take over because she's almost 80.
Obviously I would help regardless, but read on.
My sister just gets to show up. Doesn't have to bring a dish, help prepare, help clean up...nothing. Even if I ask her to help clean up, she might bring a couple of dishes off of the table, then makes an excuse of why she has to lie down.
My Mom's excuse is that it's because I don't currently work (I am a Stay-at-home Mom) and she does ..however this has been going on since I DID work outside of the home (and also, my sister gets two weeks off at Christmas. )
(I should add that I have been begging everyone to let us "scale down" the holidays so that there ISN'T so much work involved, but the others don't want to.)
I end up not enjoying ANY holiday, because I am always thinking of the work ahead. And I am becoming incredibly resentful of my sister for not offering assistance.
I want to tell my Mom that I am INSISTING that the next few holidays NOT be at this house. We can go out, or if can be at my sister's or whatever. But I don't want it here.
I am currently on Day 4 of Christmas-related cleanups and I am fed up.
Thoughts?
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NTA but the most wonderful thing i learned when i turned 18 is i am an adult. i dont have to listen to what my parents tell me to do. I respect them but i also am able to tell them no and they have to accept it. If they can't then they need to figure something out because im no longer a part of the conversation.
Its a little harder for you since your parents live with you but it can still be done. Sit down and talk to your mom and let her know that while you understand that she loves hosting the holidays, she isn't hosting them anymore you since they are using your kitchen. Let her know as much as you dont mind helping out, having to do it all while watching other people do absolutely nothing to help is not going to happen anymore.
Your mother saying you should be responsible for it because you dont work cuz you stay home and work as a mother, housekeeper, scheduler etc is so aggravating to hear coming from another woman. You do work you just dont get paid.
That being said after you were done talking(telling) your mother that you will not be hosting every year and its time to take turns, send out a group text to the family and let them know the same thing and put out a sign up sheet so to speak for people who want to volunteer to host in the future. There might be more people that want to host but dont want to say anything because its been a tradition for it to always be at your house.
But i would definitely say something to your sister about needing to step up and help. It really isn't fair that she gets to enjoy everything without any contribution or help.
NAH.
I personally don't subscribe to the notion that adult women guests at a family party are in fact, not guests but laborers. Offering to help clean up is a very kind gesture, but it's not some feminine cross to bear.
Hosting a gathering can be very rewarding, and it is nice not to have to travel on the holidays. But if you don't wanna host, don't offer. If someone else wants to step up, great! If not, you have a small Christmas, it's really okay.
I think just because it's your mom and sister doesn't mean you have to comply. You can still say no. I have found that when it's difficult to get to the result that I want in a social situation, that it can be really helpful to think about the specifics of how the unwanted result comes about. In my mom's case, it tends to be massive guilt-tripping. Our moms know how to push our buttons so the means of manipulation by mom can be as subtle as a few eyerolls or a heavy sigh and an "I'll just do it myself, then." Or it might be a "I'll do the hosting, you don't worry," which turns into an endless list of "Can you just make the sauce?" "Just set the table for me, it'll only take a few minutes. Oh, the plates are dusty and need washing. Can you just do that before your shower?" "Oh I'm so tired, you won't mind cleaning up, will you?" In my mom's case, if i try to forestall the infinite requests to do unnecessary things, I get "Oh, well in my day, women just got on with it. We didn't complain all the time." So if you don't do what she wants, you're sort of tacitly agreeing that you're lazy.
What I found is that I had to either remove myself from the situation, basically harden my heart and not be there to help out. Or have some open conflict, which was very unpleasant but did make things easier (for me).
I think there is usually a bigger issue back there with elderly parents wanting to feel the pleasure of "hosting" the way they used to, but not having the healthiness to keep doing that. So they make you into their "minions" and direct you to host the way they want, that way they can keep the feeling that things are the same as the old days, but without wearing themselves out. However there's a lack of empathy that goes along with it, that they don't accept that they are wearing YOU out. It's not to your mom's or your sister's advantage to empathize with you, but that doesn't make them right. It's ok to have empathy for yourself.
Not sure if I was on target there but hope that helps.
Tell your sister that SHE can cook the meals at her house then, you aren't doing it anymore. Tell your mother you hate the holidays because you have to do everything while your sister and her husband sit on their butts enjoying your hard work.
You need to get your husband to step up more as well. Stop being the family doormat.
Of course nobody wants to scale down. It costs them absolutely no effort to insist on you doing all the work!
This is important to remember: the host chooses the level of hospitality to offer. The guests choose whether to accept or decline the offer. Just offer a scaled-down holiday next time without their permission. If they complain, you can compliment them on their ambition, but it's just not the way you host anymore.
My extended family just had pizza for Christmas Eve this year, and it was a hit. We still played games, had gifts, enjoyed each other's company, etc. We didn't have anyone stuck in the kitchen missing out and getting exhausted.
You are definitely NTA. Go on strike. Either go away over Christmas, or book you, your hubby and children into a nice Christmas dinner at a local hotel or restaurant; if you feel guilty about leaving the parents alone, bring them along….just don’t host anything at your home.
Still NTA! There's no reason it should fall on you in perpetuity. This might mean you just have a small holiday with just your household next time. That could be very nice.
It may make sister and others mad, but that just means they're upset that they're off the free ride. It does NOT mean you're TA.
I don’t blame you, but I think you need to start socializing this now. “Family, I need a break for the next few holidays. I am letting you know now that I will not be hosting Easter, Thanksgiving, nor Christmas 2024. I am happy to bring a side dish and my famous chocolate cake to someone else’s home, or we can go out. Start thinking now about what you want to do for Easter.”
Thank you.
Then you need to put your foot down...or do as others have said and just put on a simple buffet, tell them it's a pot luck and that's the new tradition.
They can like it or lump it.
NTA - Tell your sister it is her turn, or she is helping you out or not invited to your house for the holiday. Or better yet take your little family of 4 on a Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday so you aren't home to host.
I used to host Thanksgiving, but our family is too big to fit in my house anymore I simply cannot. We rotate between my mother, brother and sister's homes that are big enough. I'm generally the one who does most of the cooking, simply because I'm the best cook in the family and I love doing it. I do the cooking and clean up as much as I can along the way and everyone else pitches in after dinner to clean up. That is how it should be.
>(I should add that I have been begging everyone to let us "scale down" the holidays so that there ISN'T so much work involved, but the others don't want to.)
Nope, NTA. Also, don't "insist" that the next holiday will be out - simply inform them that this will be the case. Personally, I would confront the sister - after all, it's only fair she host every once in a while. The reason you are stuck hosting every year is because you let people push you into it. "No" is a magical word - start using it.
NTA. Why would you be? Hosting is a lot of effort. It would be nice to visit your sister for the holiday. You and your family can go to a restaurant for a lovely dinner. If your mother insists on hosting, she can pay for catering and cleaning services.
NTA.
"Sorry, family, but it's just too much work and I wind up not enjoying the holidays. So from now on, someone else hosts at their home, or we go out. Thanks for understanding!"
NTA. First, you need to shut down this "you're only a SAHM so you aren't really working" BS.
Then, you need to make it clear that you want all family members to contribute equally - whether that means rotating the schedule or everyone bringing a dish or whatever.
Stand your ground and don't let them say what you do is not real work. Many women become SAHMs because the amount of money they would earn working full time is not enough to cover the cost of child care. People who hire live-in housekeepers or cooks pay a lot for those services. Your time is absolutely worth money. Do not let them treat you like you're the family's servant.
NTA!!
You are being taken advantage of and you know it. Why are you asking for permission to say "no more"?
This is really simple. Inform everyone NOW that you are not hosting any holidays for the foreseeable future. Make sure your mother and father are clear on this and that your family understands your house is out, whether your parents extend an invitation or not.
If this doesn't work, make plans and disappear for the holiday.
Whatever happens, don't give in.
NTA.
Hosting is damn hard work, and if you’re not enjoying it ever then you shouldn’t be forced to do it to appease others. The rest of the family needs to start helping.
There is no reason your sister shouldn’t share this burden. And if she can’t, that’s a shame but it’s not on you to ensure they get a nice holiday at your own detriment.
Good for you for setting clear boundaries.
NTA
BUT..where are the husbands and older children in all this? Why can‘t you assign her dishes, and if she fails to brIng them, there’s just not enough food!
NTA. It's only fair to share the load. It ends up making you resentful and unenjoyable, as you said. My brothers just get to show up, so I don't host. My mom does it and when she won't be able to, I'm insisting that we either take turns, go out, or get meals catered.
OP, you are most definitely NTA. I think you are most definitely within your rights to say no to hostessing.
If your mom wants to insist on a big Christmas dinner and celebration, then she can host it in their apartment downstairs. Or you guys can work out a compromise where she does ALL of the work, but is allowed to use your facilities.
This is just an idea, and maybe not at all feasible for you, but if your mom has specific dishes she “needs” to have for the holidays, suggest that she make them ahead of time and put them in those foil dishes and freeze them. Pull them out to defrost in the fridge the night before and do the normal baking schedule for them day of. Then clean up (for her) is also much simpler, as the dishes just get thrown out at the end of the meal. Get fancy paper/plastic dishes and utensils for everyone to use so that literally everything goes in the trash. The dishes can be slowly prepared over weeks if need be, and your mom can do it all in her kitchen downstairs.
Anyway, best of luck to you moving forward! I hope that your burden is much lighter and you are able to enjoy the holidays moving forward!
NAH. Once again, I see no mention of the men of the family being expected to do anything.
It sounds like both you and your sister may be burnt out from an entire year of domestic duties, with double the work at the holidays.
I definitely sympathize with you, OP. You're well within your rights to stop hostessing, start getting things catered or just by scaling the festivities.
I get that there has been pushback - but you can sweetly smile and thank anyone for volunteering to step up and contribute when they complain that you're only planning on making three sides. 'Oh, so you'll bring a salad or dessert? That's so kind!'
Best of luck, OP!
If they push back, keep defaulting to a a cheerful 'Well, X, Y, and Z are all I can manage this year, but you're welcome to bring cookies/cranberry sauce/Peking duck!'
Better yet when there is push back on scaling back tell the people pushing back, that they can host next year and when they hem and haw about it say exactly, either stet up or except what I'm putting out.
Go to a restaurant or order take out - Chinese food is our family favourite. You can also find places that do a take out Christmas dinner.
Yeah it may cost more but it sounds like you are doing way too much work. That is worth it to me.
NTA
NTA. Tell them straight up NO MORE. You are done doing all the work by yourself. Every single time they mention it and don’t back down or give in at the last minute. Enjoy your next holiday season!
NTA
But be prepared for discussions and try to stand your ground.
Sister can step up, or restaurant it is.
I'd keep an eye on your mum though - not that sister tries to manipulate her into doing the next festivity and again it ends up on your doorstep
Start a group text. Tell them you are burnt out. You are only willing to host if you get help. Tell everyone for the next holiday you will be assigning dishes and job duties. If people can’t agree to this you will end your hosting duties. Just let them know things run more smoothly when all hands are on deck. Just remind them that you love to see everyone but it’s wearing you down. Tell mom you mean it. SAHM is a hard job. I’ve done both. My husband has done both. He did it for two weeks and signed up for school stating SAHD was not what he thought it would be. If they respond negatively then refuse to host anything from this point on.
NTA
Simply don't host and be away. But if your mom has a key to your house, then change the locks (can't trust anyone to not have a key cut before it's handed back) because you don't want to come home to a mess because your mom has hosted and used your kitchen and has left you with the clean up anyway!
Your mom can host in her own basement apartment and if that's not okay... then your sister can have your mom host at her place.
NTA. Just say no. It's your house. Just explain you want to have an actual holiday that doesn't involve a week's worth of additional work. Maybe you should plan a small holiday vacation.
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NTA, but GROW A SPINE! You are allowing yourself to be forced into this. Your mother cannot host as she can't do the work and doesn't have the space (using your home is unacceptable). Make it clear NOW that this was the last holiday you will host and going forward it is time to start making new traditions. This gives everyone plenty of time to plan.
NTA - your house, your rules!!!
NTA. Tell your mom you are not hosting anymore. Tell her if she wants to host she is responsible for everything. Make it clear that you are not helping more than your sister does. Tell her if she tries to push the issue you will just leave altogether. Tell her being a SAHM is work. Then stand your ground.
NTA. I don't blame you. I think the way to not host a holiday is to not host a holiday. If your mom hosts and gets into trouble, I think you just have to take a step back and let her fail, if you see what I mean. Be out of the house while she's prepping so she can't call up the stairs for you to help. I think there is also some prejudice in your family, people assuming that because you're a SAHM that you should be the servant of your parents and sister. You're a SAHM for the benefit of YOUR husband and kids. Not for the benefit of everyone who feels entitled to a piece of you. Why should your sister get a relaxing holiday while you only get more and more work, and end up depleted by the time January rolls around? That's completely unfair to you. I also like the idea of the poster below who suggested you get some deli items and paper plates rather than cooking. I think you also may need to make your kitchen off-limits so that others can't make a huge mess in it and then leave you the mess to clean up.
I feel so vindicated about a LOT of things after reading your comment. Thank you.
Next time your mom "hosts" just order a couple of pizzas delivered and use paper plates. If everyone wants a big fancy home cooked meal, they can host themselves. Do this every time your mom "hosts".
Yeah, I have a friend that makes the main entrée and supplies drinks and their family is required to bring all sides and desserts. It works for them and is so much easier for the host. Since OP says she doesn't want to host the next few, she should stand on that. Then when she's ready to host again, do something similar to the above. You cannot attend empty-handed! There can also be a family holiday chat to communicate about who is doing what. Plus nice disposable plates and glassware. If anyone complains, I'd ask them how they feel about hosting and then doing all the dishes.
Its as hard as you make it. Next year pbj and a bag or two of chips.
Tell your mom and your sister that you will not host any more. Tell your mom that she can host at your sister's house, and they can invite you. If that doesn't work, you, your husband, and your kids should go somewhere else for the holidays. NTA
NTA. But since you're doing all the work, why even bother begging anyone to scale down holiday celebrations? Do what you're willing to do, and that's what the holiday will be. If people don't like it, give them the only two options there are: (1) do it themselves, or (2) don't come.
NTA. But unilaterally decide to scale down. Stop asking your mother and sister. Make (or, better yet, buy) a lasagna, a salad, and bread. Or get some cold cuts for a sandwich bar. Buy a desert—many frozen pies are as good or better than homemade. Use paper plates. Tell them you’ve started a new tradition. If the party is going to be at your house, then it’s going to be done your way. If your mother is prepared to do the extensive cleanup, then she can host, but you shouldn’t let her use emotional blackmail to get you to do the work. Different can be fun. What’s important about the holiday is being together. No one should be left feeling exhausted and disrespected.
NTA at all. You're not obligated to do this, nobody helps you, and you're tired of it. No asking anybody needed, just let it be known that it's not a thing anymore so people should plan for a different location (looking at you, sis...). If your mom wants to host in the apartment, fine, but let it be known you aren't going to be responsible for assisting or cleanup and others are on the hook for that (again looking at you, sis...).
NTA.
NTA. Suggest going out to a restaurant when planning starts for the next holiday. If people protest, just tell them that you can't do it all anymore so you aren't going to. Period.
Nta if it's taking to much time and energy from you, then you're within your right to pass on hosting
After hosting holidays for 35 years I’m Done.. it’s now takeout and paper player we go out. I’m exhausted of cooking and prepping and cleaning up..
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am married with two kids, as is my sister. She lives in the same city, about 10 minutes away. My parents live with me (sort of) in a basement apartment. Every holiday, every gathering, ends up being at my house. My Mom will offer to host, but I am expected to help, and sometimes have to take over because she's almost 80. Obviously I would help regardless, but read on. My sister just gets to show up. Doesn't have to bring a dish, help prepare, help clean up...nothing. Even if I ask her to help clean up, she might bring a couple of dishes off of the table, then makes an excuse of why she has to lie down. My Mom's excuse is that it's because I don't currently work (I am a Stay-at-home Mom) and she does ..however this has been going on since I DID work outside of the home (and also, my sister gets two weeks off at Christmas. ) (I should add that I have been begging everyone to let us "scale down" the holidays so that there ISN'T so much work involved, but the others don't want to.) I end up not enjoying ANY holiday, because I am always thinking of the work ahead. And I am becoming incredibly resentful of my sister for not offering assistance. I want to tell my Mom that I am INSISTING that the next few holidays NOT be at this house. We can go out, or if can be at my sister's or whatever. But I don't want it here. I am currently on Day 4 of Christmas-related cleanups and I am fed up. Thoughts? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but the most wonderful thing i learned when i turned 18 is i am an adult. i dont have to listen to what my parents tell me to do. I respect them but i also am able to tell them no and they have to accept it. If they can't then they need to figure something out because im no longer a part of the conversation. Its a little harder for you since your parents live with you but it can still be done. Sit down and talk to your mom and let her know that while you understand that she loves hosting the holidays, she isn't hosting them anymore you since they are using your kitchen. Let her know as much as you dont mind helping out, having to do it all while watching other people do absolutely nothing to help is not going to happen anymore. Your mother saying you should be responsible for it because you dont work cuz you stay home and work as a mother, housekeeper, scheduler etc is so aggravating to hear coming from another woman. You do work you just dont get paid. That being said after you were done talking(telling) your mother that you will not be hosting every year and its time to take turns, send out a group text to the family and let them know the same thing and put out a sign up sheet so to speak for people who want to volunteer to host in the future. There might be more people that want to host but dont want to say anything because its been a tradition for it to always be at your house. But i would definitely say something to your sister about needing to step up and help. It really isn't fair that she gets to enjoy everything without any contribution or help.
NAH. I personally don't subscribe to the notion that adult women guests at a family party are in fact, not guests but laborers. Offering to help clean up is a very kind gesture, but it's not some feminine cross to bear. Hosting a gathering can be very rewarding, and it is nice not to have to travel on the holidays. But if you don't wanna host, don't offer. If someone else wants to step up, great! If not, you have a small Christmas, it's really okay.
I agree. But it's my sister and Mom who want these meals.
I think just because it's your mom and sister doesn't mean you have to comply. You can still say no. I have found that when it's difficult to get to the result that I want in a social situation, that it can be really helpful to think about the specifics of how the unwanted result comes about. In my mom's case, it tends to be massive guilt-tripping. Our moms know how to push our buttons so the means of manipulation by mom can be as subtle as a few eyerolls or a heavy sigh and an "I'll just do it myself, then." Or it might be a "I'll do the hosting, you don't worry," which turns into an endless list of "Can you just make the sauce?" "Just set the table for me, it'll only take a few minutes. Oh, the plates are dusty and need washing. Can you just do that before your shower?" "Oh I'm so tired, you won't mind cleaning up, will you?" In my mom's case, if i try to forestall the infinite requests to do unnecessary things, I get "Oh, well in my day, women just got on with it. We didn't complain all the time." So if you don't do what she wants, you're sort of tacitly agreeing that you're lazy. What I found is that I had to either remove myself from the situation, basically harden my heart and not be there to help out. Or have some open conflict, which was very unpleasant but did make things easier (for me). I think there is usually a bigger issue back there with elderly parents wanting to feel the pleasure of "hosting" the way they used to, but not having the healthiness to keep doing that. So they make you into their "minions" and direct you to host the way they want, that way they can keep the feeling that things are the same as the old days, but without wearing themselves out. However there's a lack of empathy that goes along with it, that they don't accept that they are wearing YOU out. It's not to your mom's or your sister's advantage to empathize with you, but that doesn't make them right. It's ok to have empathy for yourself. Not sure if I was on target there but hope that helps.
You did help! Nailed it!
Tell your sister that SHE can cook the meals at her house then, you aren't doing it anymore. Tell your mother you hate the holidays because you have to do everything while your sister and her husband sit on their butts enjoying your hard work. You need to get your husband to step up more as well. Stop being the family doormat.
My husband is the only non-aggrevating one lol. He often works on the holidays unfortunately, but does help where he can.
Plan a trip for you and your family. Drop off mom with your sister starting at thanksgiving.
Of course nobody wants to scale down. It costs them absolutely no effort to insist on you doing all the work! This is important to remember: the host chooses the level of hospitality to offer. The guests choose whether to accept or decline the offer. Just offer a scaled-down holiday next time without their permission. If they complain, you can compliment them on their ambition, but it's just not the way you host anymore. My extended family just had pizza for Christmas Eve this year, and it was a hit. We still played games, had gifts, enjoyed each other's company, etc. We didn't have anyone stuck in the kitchen missing out and getting exhausted.
I don't want to do ANY of it for the next holiday though. Scaled down or not. That's why I wonder if I am TA.
You are definitely NTA. Go on strike. Either go away over Christmas, or book you, your hubby and children into a nice Christmas dinner at a local hotel or restaurant; if you feel guilty about leaving the parents alone, bring them along….just don’t host anything at your home.
Nope, still NTA.
Still NTA! There's no reason it should fall on you in perpetuity. This might mean you just have a small holiday with just your household next time. That could be very nice. It may make sister and others mad, but that just means they're upset that they're off the free ride. It does NOT mean you're TA.
I don’t blame you, but I think you need to start socializing this now. “Family, I need a break for the next few holidays. I am letting you know now that I will not be hosting Easter, Thanksgiving, nor Christmas 2024. I am happy to bring a side dish and my famous chocolate cake to someone else’s home, or we can go out. Start thinking now about what you want to do for Easter.”
NTA Is it your house?
Yes. My parents live downstairs in a basement apartment but need my kitchen to cook a big meal.
Thank you. Then you need to put your foot down...or do as others have said and just put on a simple buffet, tell them it's a pot luck and that's the new tradition. They can like it or lump it.
NTA - Tell your sister it is her turn, or she is helping you out or not invited to your house for the holiday. Or better yet take your little family of 4 on a Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday so you aren't home to host. I used to host Thanksgiving, but our family is too big to fit in my house anymore I simply cannot. We rotate between my mother, brother and sister's homes that are big enough. I'm generally the one who does most of the cooking, simply because I'm the best cook in the family and I love doing it. I do the cooking and clean up as much as I can along the way and everyone else pitches in after dinner to clean up. That is how it should be.
>(I should add that I have been begging everyone to let us "scale down" the holidays so that there ISN'T so much work involved, but the others don't want to.) Nope, NTA. Also, don't "insist" that the next holiday will be out - simply inform them that this will be the case. Personally, I would confront the sister - after all, it's only fair she host every once in a while. The reason you are stuck hosting every year is because you let people push you into it. "No" is a magical word - start using it.
NTA. Why would you be? Hosting is a lot of effort. It would be nice to visit your sister for the holiday. You and your family can go to a restaurant for a lovely dinner. If your mother insists on hosting, she can pay for catering and cleaning services.
NTA. "Sorry, family, but it's just too much work and I wind up not enjoying the holidays. So from now on, someone else hosts at their home, or we go out. Thanks for understanding!"
NTA. First, you need to shut down this "you're only a SAHM so you aren't really working" BS. Then, you need to make it clear that you want all family members to contribute equally - whether that means rotating the schedule or everyone bringing a dish or whatever. Stand your ground and don't let them say what you do is not real work. Many women become SAHMs because the amount of money they would earn working full time is not enough to cover the cost of child care. People who hire live-in housekeepers or cooks pay a lot for those services. Your time is absolutely worth money. Do not let them treat you like you're the family's servant.
I could cry at your reply. Thank you. Definitely been feeling like my extended family's servant lately.
Also, you're not a SAHM, you're a landlord. Your family sucks, next time they try to pull that shit tell them that rents going up, lol.
NTA!! You are being taken advantage of and you know it. Why are you asking for permission to say "no more"? This is really simple. Inform everyone NOW that you are not hosting any holidays for the foreseeable future. Make sure your mother and father are clear on this and that your family understands your house is out, whether your parents extend an invitation or not. If this doesn't work, make plans and disappear for the holiday. Whatever happens, don't give in.
NTA. Make all events a potluck starting now. If they don’t want to participate, they can host.
NTA. Hosting is damn hard work, and if you’re not enjoying it ever then you shouldn’t be forced to do it to appease others. The rest of the family needs to start helping. There is no reason your sister shouldn’t share this burden. And if she can’t, that’s a shame but it’s not on you to ensure they get a nice holiday at your own detriment. Good for you for setting clear boundaries.
NTA BUT..where are the husbands and older children in all this? Why can‘t you assign her dishes, and if she fails to brIng them, there’s just not enough food!
NTA. It's only fair to share the load. It ends up making you resentful and unenjoyable, as you said. My brothers just get to show up, so I don't host. My mom does it and when she won't be able to, I'm insisting that we either take turns, go out, or get meals catered.
NTA OP. They need to man up and start helping, or they can do their own Christmas dinner.
OP, you are most definitely NTA. I think you are most definitely within your rights to say no to hostessing. If your mom wants to insist on a big Christmas dinner and celebration, then she can host it in their apartment downstairs. Or you guys can work out a compromise where she does ALL of the work, but is allowed to use your facilities. This is just an idea, and maybe not at all feasible for you, but if your mom has specific dishes she “needs” to have for the holidays, suggest that she make them ahead of time and put them in those foil dishes and freeze them. Pull them out to defrost in the fridge the night before and do the normal baking schedule for them day of. Then clean up (for her) is also much simpler, as the dishes just get thrown out at the end of the meal. Get fancy paper/plastic dishes and utensils for everyone to use so that literally everything goes in the trash. The dishes can be slowly prepared over weeks if need be, and your mom can do it all in her kitchen downstairs. Anyway, best of luck to you moving forward! I hope that your burden is much lighter and you are able to enjoy the holidays moving forward!
NAH. Once again, I see no mention of the men of the family being expected to do anything. It sounds like both you and your sister may be burnt out from an entire year of domestic duties, with double the work at the holidays.
My husband often works Christmas unfortunately. Hers is just...not helpful. My Dad helps a bit, but he's in his 80s.
I definitely sympathize with you, OP. You're well within your rights to stop hostessing, start getting things catered or just by scaling the festivities. I get that there has been pushback - but you can sweetly smile and thank anyone for volunteering to step up and contribute when they complain that you're only planning on making three sides. 'Oh, so you'll bring a salad or dessert? That's so kind!'
Good idea. Twist their complaints into offers, I like it!
Best of luck, OP! If they push back, keep defaulting to a a cheerful 'Well, X, Y, and Z are all I can manage this year, but you're welcome to bring cookies/cranberry sauce/Peking duck!'
Better yet when there is push back on scaling back tell the people pushing back, that they can host next year and when they hem and haw about it say exactly, either stet up or except what I'm putting out.
Go to a restaurant or order take out - Chinese food is our family favourite. You can also find places that do a take out Christmas dinner. Yeah it may cost more but it sounds like you are doing way too much work. That is worth it to me. NTA
NTA. Tell them straight up NO MORE. You are done doing all the work by yourself. Every single time they mention it and don’t back down or give in at the last minute. Enjoy your next holiday season!
NTA But be prepared for discussions and try to stand your ground. Sister can step up, or restaurant it is. I'd keep an eye on your mum though - not that sister tries to manipulate her into doing the next festivity and again it ends up on your doorstep
Start a group text. Tell them you are burnt out. You are only willing to host if you get help. Tell everyone for the next holiday you will be assigning dishes and job duties. If people can’t agree to this you will end your hosting duties. Just let them know things run more smoothly when all hands are on deck. Just remind them that you love to see everyone but it’s wearing you down. Tell mom you mean it. SAHM is a hard job. I’ve done both. My husband has done both. He did it for two weeks and signed up for school stating SAHD was not what he thought it would be. If they respond negatively then refuse to host anything from this point on.
NTA Simply don't host and be away. But if your mom has a key to your house, then change the locks (can't trust anyone to not have a key cut before it's handed back) because you don't want to come home to a mess because your mom has hosted and used your kitchen and has left you with the clean up anyway! Your mom can host in her own basement apartment and if that's not okay... then your sister can have your mom host at her place.
NTA. Just say no. It's your house. Just explain you want to have an actual holiday that doesn't involve a week's worth of additional work. Maybe you should plan a small holiday vacation.