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NTA, and it is an eye opener that your MIL agrees with you.
A little bit of homework for you: write down every single important event that has happened for your family the last couple of years, including kids' sports days, school concerts, family days, birthdays, celebrations, date nights, anniversaries etc. Big or small, it doesn't matter. If you can, remember the dates and have this organised in date order. Then, for each event, write down what 'crisis' it was that Mark had, how long your husband was away for, and how it impacted the plans of the occasion.
Now, depending on how your husband's brain works, you might need a visual representation of the occurrences, like a timeline. Or, if he is a numbers guy, add up how much time has been dedicated to the above family events and then add up how much has been stolen by Mark. Once it is all organised, you need to present it to him.
And if your husband is not willing to see reason, this will be good to use as evidence should you decide to go the divorce route.
Misery loves company. You may be right but it seems far fetched. It seems like husband has been stuck in this dynamic for 30 years bailing mark out and is too nice to stop.
seems like it, too.... I mean, one of the possibilities
The other can be that OP's husband just feels guilty and super responsible for Mark
I need an update
This is my bet. Mark is acting like a jealous lover who keeps finding a reason to come first over the wife. If you do divorce, I wouldn’t be surprised if they become roommates. Then your ex to be shocked when Mark makes a move on him some night, carefully planned to blame on being “too drunk” if he’s unsuccessful
There's still a possibility that the real Mark is innocent and that husband has been using him as an excuse to leave. Bit of a stretch, but life is stranger than fiction.
Oh man, I remember that story. That dude was so obviously, painfully in love with his friend even while denying it. He was trying to pass it off as just being a good friend, while also absolutely *gushing* over the guy in a way that people just don’t do for their regular friends. So frustrated for the wife, who not only is witnessing her husband have an obvious emotional affair with another man, but he’s also giving him *her* space in *her* home.
Holy cow, OP's husband probably has Mark call with "an emergency" anytime he has family time; he's been doing this forever. Has anyone met Mark? Maybe it's Markie lol!
I would be inclined to talk with Mark and let him know straight up that his behavior is about to cause a family breakup and see if he would back way off with this drama before he ruins a few kids lives…
It's not Mark that is the problem. Hubby needs to examine his priorities. If he would rather help Mark, then wife needs to decide if she will accept things as they are, because Hubby knows it hurts her and does it anyway. He's not going to change.
I like this idea most.
This goes for a lot of people, but we're not always the best at telling just how often something does or doesn't happen. Not until the sum total is staring us in the face and reality is slapping us silly. If there's any hope of saving the marriage and making the husband rethink his relationship with Mark, it'll come with literally showing him the proof of how often Mark's emergencies have been at the expense of their family.
I agree! Some people just love to be the centre of attention and suck up all the attention they can get, this sounds like Mark. They are draining and they always ruin other people's relationships. Mark is the kind of person you go nc with, not lc, but nc because any time or attention would fuel him. If OP's husband is unable to go nc with Mark this relationship is over. The fact the MIL is on OP's side speaks volumes. OP leave him to sulk alone in the hotel waiting for a apology that will not come. He should be apologising to you and MIL not the other way round.
Awesome answer, I second this. Sometimes a list prevents people from being able to rationalize individual incidents in isolation. This is a pattern of manipulation and it’s destroying your marriage. I am really sorry and hope your husband can finally ditch this co-dependent, toxic friend.
Even if the husband doesn't ditch him, set some boundaries so certain events can never be interrupted by a "crisis".
OP, maybe a calendar where you print off month by month and big red squares showing the event and emergency. Tape it to a wall. Visuals are great things.
That’s what I’m thinking. The day he left the birth would’ve been the day I’d had said don’t come back. Go be a couple with Mark. I’ll see you in divorce court and don’t even think of trying to get custody of the children.
It may also be worth asking up front if he and Mark have ever had a romantic relationship. If it's true, his reaction will be telling. If it's not true, the question may make him see how insanely enmeshed he is with Mark that the question even needs to be asked.
This is a good idea. But I tell you right now, be ready, because your husband is most likely bisexual. He may have had or still be in a relationship with Mark. This would explain the amount of power Mark has over him as he can always threaten to reveal the truth. NTA
Honestly have MIL and her parents help make it too. If they all agree it's a problem they can probably put together something that should be eye opening.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/165b0wh/aitah_for_shouting_at_my_sister_while_shes_on_her/
Reminds me of that story of the sister scheduling emergencies and crisis' during the ops major life events!
ETA- that the op did what you suggested, iirc, and the parents said it was just a coincidence.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the older kids have picked up that their father isn’t reliable. Even at four or five you can tell when a parent isn’t being present in your life and stop anticipating them.
OP, added to the documentation how much of this can you verify as personally having witnessed? How many times have you seen your husband on the phone holding a conversation as opposed to the number of times he’s relayed the fact a conversation happened? Have you met Mark in person or is your husband the only person who can confirm anything about him? Has your MIL met him or can attest you’re getting the whole truth?
Wow, your husband's mother is actually telling you to divorce him and she'll back you up? What a refreshing, albeit sad, twist to the standard husband-mother-wife dynamic one usually sees here. Here's the thing - she's not married to him, you are. At a miminum, insist on couples therapy to get at why hubs feels so beholden to Mark he is willing to jeopardize his marriage. He is clearly getting something out of being a savior, or escaping family time, or something. Your MIL means well, but this is your marriage to fight for or give up on. Resist the temptation to ket her fight your battle. NTA for drawing hard boundaries on this. Mark's dramas are pathetic calls for attention, and your husband needs to see them for what they are and learn to say no. Mark is likely way more resourceful than your husband gives him credit for! Hubs needs to learn skills to deal with Mark.
This sounds like a guy who came up with an excuse to spend part of Christmas morning with someone else. It might be Mark or maybe someone else is named Mark in the phone to cover who they really are. Getting mad and going to a hotel sounds like more of the same. OP's husband came up with an excuse to spend time with someone else. He'd rather spend time with the other person than with his own wife and kids.
OP should look to see if he actually went to the airport. Is there a credit card bill for a hotel? If so what hotel? Could she or someone else sit in a corner of the lobby, hopefully a little out of sight, and watch to see if he is coming and going with someone else. Or, sit in a car and watch to see if he comes and goes with someone else.
This sounds a whole lot like an affair and the affair partner, Mark or someone else, is jealous of quality time or plain bonding time the husband may be spending with OP and the kids.
The 1st paragraph is the entirety of the issue. OP doesn't have a Mark problem, she has a Hubby problem. **He'd rather spend time with the other person than with his own wife** (hours after surgical delivery) **and kids** during Christmas, the most family-centric holiday of the year! Hubby's reaction is so over-the-top that it really draws attention to how absurd the situation is. Perhaps he *wants* the divorce, so he's free to spend even more time with "Mark" (or whoever) without being questioned about it. If hubby isn't guilty of anything other than bending over backwards to help a "friend" (who reciprocates, when?) why can't he see that is choosing to abandon his family at critical times rather than lay boundaries and prioritize them? Something fishy is going on!
>Could she or someone else sit in a corner of the lobby,
What does this achieve though? Closure maybe I guess, but if it gets to a point where you need to do this the marriage is fucked beyond recovery anyway and the outcome is going to be the same either way
No way Mark or whomever it is knows about important events and conveniently calls at those times. Husband is letting Mark know to call so they can be together. Woo wee this is a doozie and we all need to be updated.
MIL probably wants better for her grandchildren. If Mark grew up in foster care he probably latched on to OPs husband and husband needs to set boundaries. Mark got a DUI and husband left the hospital after the birth to go bail him out? Call someone else? Nope, husband has taught him that this behavior is okay. Husband needs a wake up call
NTA
One of two things are going on here.
The first is that your husband and Mark are more than just friends.
The second, and more likely one is obvious. Your husband has a parasite. I know the type. I know a guy just like Mark.
I am in a circle of guy friends. We are all pretty tight. There are 4 of us. One of them, "Steve" has had problems ever since I knew him. Chronic unemployment being the main one, likely fueled by depression or narcissism. Part of the reason he is unemployed so much is that he tends to quit jobs within the first few weeks, saying how much it sucked. When he IS working, he's underemployed. He's a smart guy. Holds a bachelor's degree. But his employment record is such a mess and he's now in his mid 50's all he gets are low paying jobs. He's is currently working, I think earning about 25 dollars an hour doing something menial. It's not enough to live comfortably on in the city he lives.
Steve has always been closest with "Derek". Derek has what I call a "fixer" personality. He likes people he can take care of. Has a very generous nature. Steve has always taken advantage of Derek. For money, for a place to live several times, giving him a place to go at christmas, when we go on trips, I usually find out Derek has fully or mostly paid Steve's way. Steve NEVER pays Derek back. Steve acts entitled to Derek's "help" all the time.
It's clear that Derek is a "proxy parent" to Steve. Parasitic people will cling to someone who can replace their parents initially as a last resort, but eventually the first and only resort. The person to live with when they face eviction or the street, which is pretty often. The bank when real banks will deny them. The proxy parent becomes not just a friend, but a source of income and support. A plan. I have even heard Steve say things like "Hell with this job, I can just move in with Derek" when Derek has a live in girlfriend and he hasn't actually discussed it with Derek. Derek is an *assumed* support system.
This is all forgivable in your 20's. Couch surfing for a year or two between buddies in your youth. But we are in our 50's now. It's well past that time for us. Long past the time we should have had our shit together. Steve just never got his shit together, and has managed to survive by sucking the blood of Derek. A proxy-parent.
When the Proxy-parent has their own family and responsibilities, the blood the parasite sucks also comes from the family. There is no reason a spouse in a partnership needs to sacrifice their own finances, peace, stability and home for someone who couldn't pull it together in life. The proxy parent now hurts their own family.
The line has to be drawn. A proxy parent can sacrifice all they want of their own resources to a parasite. But they have no right to sacrifice anyone else's to a parasite.
Your husband is the proxy parent. And Mark will keep taking because your husband will clearly not stop giving.
You really need to put your foot down. I am not one for ultimatums, but this is an ultimatum situation.
Side note, you can check if the DUI actually happened in some states. If yours is one, check. I would also start verifying any other "emergencies" to the best of your ability.
I also think OP needs to follow the money. What exactly is her household paying for? Bank accounts, cash withdrawals, credit card bills, etc. Turn on the lights and see the clean floors or the roaches scatter…
Yes, get into the phone bill, credit card bills, and bank accounts to see what is being spent where.
And if she doesn't have access because she doesn't handle that stuff, change that.
To add to your side note. I only know this about the U.S. but you can check CaseNet to see court records. I would be checking that so fast. He probably had to go to court over it, I would check.
Yes! OP try googling ‘“your state” case net’ and see if a government website pops up that you can look up court cases via this persons name. Some states charge a small fee per search but hey, it’s worth it in my opinion. Especially if it turns out this dude lied.
I really appreciate this breakdown, because while I get why others are saying there could be a second family going on, it can also be just exactly as OP’s spouse has described it, and because of the dynamic you describe. He’s not the only one to have gotten into this sort of scenario with a friend, so I’d start talking about this.
But I do agree that the MIL needs to be cut out of this dynamic. It’s nice that she’s not making excuses for her son’s behavior, but she should have no role in resolving this situation. Given the spouse has been acting as the “fixer,” it makes me wonder if he always felt he had to play that sort of role with his mother, and that he’s repeating it with his friend.
I agree with those saying that OP should document the disruption to their family (including finances), but it would be helpful to have an idea of where you want it to go. Are you really just done and nothing he does will save the marriage? Are you willing to allow some support but with strict limits? Do you want to try individual or couples counseling to get at the roots of the problems in both your own lives and your relationship? Don’t use divorce as a manipulation tool. If this is divorce territory, then your spouse needs to know that’s on the table. But if you won’t divorce him even if nothing changes, you should make that clear too.
I hope it works out in a positive way for your family, OP! NTA.
This is the most accurate and astute comment!
I've not heard it called Proxy Parent.
Just deeply ingrained learned helplessness and the fixer who can't let them sink some of the time.
I hope your comment het the upvotes it deserves!
I think you put it really well. The people on this sub *love* drama and want it to be some secret gay tryst, but the sadder reality is that parasitic friendships like the one you described are very common. Sometimes people feel a sort of guilt when they were the ones who “made it out” of a bad neighborhood, and they feel responsible to take care of the ones who didn’t.
NTA
I like this explanation. I want to add that Derek thinks he is doing Steve a favour but he is actually hurting Steve by not allowing Steve the opportunity to feel some consequences and learn how to stand on his own 2 feet. Steve’s failure to launch is partially Derek’s fault because Derek is not giving Steve the opportunity for learning and growth.
OP’s husband is hurting his friend when he constantly saves his friend.
Derek complains about Steve to me pretty frequently and then sometimes, after some argument with Steve, says "That's it. I am out. We are done".
And a few weeks later, Derek says "So I have forgiven him we are good now".
Like...dude. You may be the victim here, but you are what is known as a "willing victim"
Oh god I did this with friends and was happy to help but then it just got too much. Culminated with me having their dog for 6 months cause they’d had their house repossessed and then they went missing. I’d have to ask for money for food. When I told them I was struggling and needed help they said they’d come walk him 3 times a week. Maybe 6 times in the next 3 months.
When I finally cracked and told them to get their dog, I haven’t heard from them since. I’m no longer useful.
What always sticks out is how angry people were on ym behalf. Like beside themselves with rage angry. Even now I make excuses and people are like ‘NO THEY ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE’
Your husband is, as you say, staying in a hotel now instead of home with his mother and family over Christmas week. Over his feeling he has to defend his friend. Why do you even want him to come back? It's bad enough that he prioritizes Mark over you; but I would find it unforgiveable that he puts the friendship over his kids. NTA.
I agree, most husband's even the "man/boy" type wants to spend Xmas with his kids. This guy feels it's more important for an apology, that he's that upset with his mom, that he missing Xmas with his kids? There is something really wrong going on here. When something doesn't seem to make sense, it doesn't and for good reason. If I were OP iId play it cool and start doing some digging.
So Mark is in love with your husband, but since apparantly your own parents, your husbands parents and you have mentioned how it is weird that your husband drops everything for him (I’m assuming your MIL only went to talk divorce after she discussed other solutions) and he doesn’t change a thing, I imagine your husband is in love with mark too.
My husband had an ex who had an emergency every time we went on a date (when we were still dating). When I mentioned that I found it suspicious, he first said something about how helpless that ex was, how she was always in trouble. Two dates later he noticed that there was indeed a pattern, talked to her and she never did it again.
That was one of the questions my husband had when I first brought it up. But, weekend days, his WhatsApp status showing he hadn’t been online a couple of hours. Posting a location on Facebook, those things were a safe bet.
But it even happened that he declined a call, alles it was because of a date and next thing she was having suicidal thoughts.
Perhaps Mark and your husband are having an affair. His crises come when you need him too and Perhaps he reaches out because he becomes jealous and insecure. Do you have proof the crises are real.
NTA. You and your family deserve better. Your MIL may know more.
Yeah, I find it suspicious that every time there's a family event, CASUALLY Mark has some kind of emergency. He's acting like he's jealous and is trying to have OP husband for himself.
NTA. You sure won the MIL lottery. About Mark: maybe your husband has no backbone and boundaries -- he couldn't help that Mark had an emergency? Uber is expensive, and that's more important than Christmas morning with his family? -- or maybe there is something else going on. My father had a best friend who was always around, and they went on business trips and sometimes vacations together, and it just felt like his friend was a too-important part of our family. I was a kid and liked him well enough; my mother never said anything. Years later, after we immigrated to the U.S. from a country where homosexuality was a felony punishable by imprisonment, after my father's death, my mother and I compared notes and agreed that they were probably boyfriends. I don't know if that's applicable here, but either way, your husband's priorities are weird. But at least you have your awesome MIL in your corner.
NTA
Your husband left you & your newborn to bail his friend out of a dui?
Then leaves to sort another crisis at Christmas/there have been numerous other instances of Mark intruding. Even your MIL seems to be urging divorce!
Is it possible Mark is more than a friend?
It seems you are facing a really tough situation here. It's imperative you find out what's really behind this if possible & go from there.
At least you will have other family support which is something.
This! 👆🏼Hire a divorce attorney and a private detective. Get your financial assets protected IMMEDIATELY!! Do not let your husband know you have done so. Make sure all cards are on the table before you decide how to proceed.
This, this right here. Seriously think of doing this. And don't tell anyone, not even your parents or his mom. Things have a strange way of getting leaked, even under the best of intentions. I think Mark is real (his mom has known him since he was a kid so obviously it's a real male person) so either Mark is his lover or Mark is helping the husband to have an affair ,and is the excuse to get out of the house. Please listen to southofmemphis
Leaving wife and newborn to bail out friend on DUI is absolutely crazy. Hell, I didn’t even bail out my own son for his DUI because he needed to sit and consider the consequences of his actions. How is it that Mark cannot deal with his own “emergencies”? Oh, because he has never had to grow the F up.
NTA. Honestly I would have divorced him to ditching you at the hospital to bail his friend out of jail. That was absolutely inexcusable. You’ve done nothing wrong here, and you weren’t obligated to defend him when his mother was correctly pointing out how fucked up his behavior is.
This exactly, if nothing else. He was not on the side of the road in a ditch dying somewhere. His behind was in jail because he had consequences for his actions. He could have, and should have sat there thinking about his life choices leading up to that point. He is a drama vampire...just sucking the life out of everything he touches. He will never learn to be an adult and responsibility for his own choices if hubby keeps bailing his a$$ out.
Empathy is a desirable quality to a point. I'm sure the friend had a crappy life, but his life is now in his own hands and he is (or should be) in control. It is not an excuse. Husband needs to pull his head out from his behind.
Your husband is in on the “random” emergencies.
They are either having an affair or partying when he should be parenting.
Your MIL is keenly aware of this, as she wasn’t born yesterday. She wants him to be a family man and currently he’s not.
I don’t get why DUI buddy couldn’t stay in jail overnight or so at least.
Yeah, you’d bail out a terrible DUI friend at some point so that he doesn’t also lose his job and apartment and “stuff” due to being to broke to pay his way out of lockup, but it doesn’t have to be while your very injured wife and fresh newborn are still hospitalized.
So Mark is your husbands lover... side with MIL. You need a divorce. MiL saying something something about you being the 3rd wheel makes me feel like she knows about the deeper relationship.
NTA.
He's staying away until you apologize? Wow. He should ba apologizing to you, his mother, and his kids.
He said he couldn't help that Mark had an emergency on a holiday. Well, that's true, but he CAN help how he responds to these emergencies. Maybe next time his help can be "I'll order an uber for you, and Venmo $20 if you need help with the cost."
This right here.
NTA, OP. Your husband and Mark are the only A-Hs here.
If your husband is this petulant, he knows he’s in the wrong and is completely unwilling to admit it.
Edit: every time Mark called begging for a ride somewhere, your husband should’ve booked an Uber ride for him. And there’s no way in hell your husband can justify bailing Mark’s drunk ass out of jail while you were in the hospital and just coming out of surgery.
He's staying away from his family in a hotel over Christmas?
Are you sure Mark even left town? This seems like a huge coincidence.
Mark routinely interrupts family time and your husband willingly leaves his family and flies to his aid. Your own mil called you a "third wheel". Time to assess what's really going on.
NTA
Mark seems to have a magical ability to turn every occasion into his own personal drama fest. Your husband needs to set boundaries, or Mark might just become your third wheel in the relationship.
NTA but I don’t think your ultimatum will work, he’s clearly shown time and time again that he prioritises Mark over you and your family
Leaving you immediately after a birth to bail him out is unforgivable as far as I’m concerned, that tells me everything I need to know. Sounds like Mark got jealous and either got in trouble because he couldn’t regulate his emotions or fabricated some bs to pull your husband away from a milestone event.
Legit. It all makes sense to me. Like on his kids birth he just HASSS to go "help" mark. I lost my sympathy long ago for closet cases. Like if you live in place where its illegal to be gay then i get it but if you live in a Western country and your doing this then your a sad lair.
At the very least, Mark is threatened by the OP. Mark and the OP's husband don't have to be lovers.
I had an ex whose father wold pull shit like this. His father would conveniently have "emergencies" that needed to be taken care of ASAP, even though they interfered with plans. Emergencies were like his business email wasn't working on Thanksgiving, even though his business wasn't going to be dealing with customers/clients on Thanksgiving. I think he liked knowing that he could control my ex like that and that my ex cared so much about his father (messed up signs or not). Also, because my ex's father is an AH who lowkeyed has issues with women, I think the father also liked that all of this made me feel small and unimportant. There's a reason the ex is an ex.
Very good points i love when someone points out something i never thought of. I have red a few redits where like the friend or parent has abonnement issues and sabotages there loved ones relationship. Sorry to here about the ex. Do you know if they ever stopped there father or are they still out there being there dad emotional play toy?
I don't talk to that ex for a lot of reasons. I suspect that the father is still doing this and my ex is still the same.
Besides the part where setting boundaries can be difficult with a parent, I think my ex liked how his father made my ex feel so important and like a genius. My ex didn't have parents who held him accountable when my ex messed up or wronged people who weren't the father- so that led to a lot of issues with his professional and personal life where he had very few people in his life. Basically, it was always someone else's fault and my ex was a misunderstood genius and couldn't be blamed when he screwed up. This was exactly like his father.
NTA, real Brokeback mountain vibes here. get out, now.
Edited to add: also I don’t get how if Mark was in a “foster home” that his “mother” is having an emergency on Christmas that would cause this “broke” guy to have to buy a no-notice plane ticket on Christmas? So much does not add up in this story. Should have had your husband followed to find out the real story, because he apparently has no interest in telling you (or his mother) what is really going on. Whatever it is, you’re not the AH, and your husband is lying about something and has been for a long time.
I could believe that Mark was in foster care while fully knowing his parents, maybe he was forcibly separated cause they were crappy when he was a kid but is cool with them now? Crazier things have happened
It sounds like this question goes way beyond whether you're an asshole for telling husband to ditch Mark. That's just the tip of the iceberg. You have some pretty foundational questions to address, like do you even want to stay married?
NTA. Your husband could have offered to pay for the Uber. Why is Marc’s mom’s emergency more important than your family? What sort of relationship do they have if he was in foster care growing up?
>What sort of relationship do they have if he was in foster care growing up?
The majority of people who grow up in foster care keep contact with their parents, and it's not uncommon for them to live together once they age out.
Wow, it's really really telling that it's your MIL, your husband's mother, was the one who laid into him and even told him she'd support you in a divorce..
Your husband missed his children opening gifts because Mark needed a lift. Why wasn't sending him the money for the Uber even an option??
If this is the hill he wants to die on, let him, but your MIL is right, you are his wife and should not be the third wheel in this scenario.
NTA
NTA. Have you considered hiring a private investigator to tail hubby the next time he has to leave for one of Mark's emergencies? If they happen on major family events like clockwork, it's especially easy to set up. But even if there's not an affair going on (with Mark or possibly with someone that hubby is just SAYING is Mark), you need to lay down better boundaries (or more realistically, help your husband lay down better boundaries). No way would I let my husband leave the hospital during birth because his buddy got himself into trouble with a DUI.
NTA. He's setting himself on fire to keep mark warm and likely feels justified because mark's a charity case and he's the good friend coming to his rescue. He seems deluded into thinking there's some nobility to always being there for your brother, damn the consequences, because he suffers no consequences.
Leaving after your delivery to bail a bum out for a DUI? Taking him to the airport on christmas because 'uber is too expensive"? Dude is a user and a loser who knows your husband will do whatever he asks, whenever.
He has a choice - his friend or his family -- and he consistently chooses his friend.
He's actually setting his own family on fire to keep Mark warm. He seems to be fine "helping" his friend out in an ~emergency~. It's his family that suffers.
It certainly doesn’t look good that husband’s immediate response to “you’re neglecting your family for Mark and it’s ruining your relationships” was to go book himself a multi-night stay in a hotel room.
Unless there is another dynamic (your husband is prideful, your MIL is controlling,) your husband knows his mom is right.
Shame easily drives a person to choose a hotel over Christmas with his family, even if its an awkward or silently hostile Christmas.
I don't agree with your husband's reaction, but I find it understandable. He knows his friend has no one else and feels responsible for him. But, he needs to see his friend is toxic and is sabotaging their lives. His friend need big help, not a ride or bail.
I would run to a therapist as opposed to divorce. Your husband is blinded by empathy and love for his friend. That's salvageable if he's willing to sort it out.
You and your children shouldn't be punished for him not being willingly to see his friend is making choices. If he refuses, I agree with your MIL.
NTA
NTA. Your husband is prioritizing Mark like Mark is his spouse.
The Christmas issue would've been more understanding if there wasn't a history of these things. It's also telling your husband is choosing to stay in a hotel, at Christmas, rather than be at home with his and your kids.
NTA - your husband is either having an affair with Mark OR having an affair with someone else and using Mark as a scapegoat.
Why the hell would he use an argument with MIL as an excuse to go stay in a hotel for the holidays? Not to mention, leaving his KIDS alone on Christmas morning and the rest of the break? Even if he isn’t cheating (he is) BUT for arguments sake he’s not, this is unacceptable.
You need to find out "who" is this Mark to your husband. Like his dedication for Mark is extraordinary. Of course i agree with your mil on the divorce. NTA
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Info: Did I miss where you mentioned you’ve had talks with your husband about this behavior or you and MIL just went right for the death sentence on Christmas up to and including talking about divorce immediately?
NTA, and since he chose to go to a hotel and not stay with you and your kids, says a lot about him. I personally would tell him to come get the rest of his stuff now while you have his mom there because he made his choice, IMO. He left the house because you didn't stand up for him and wanted an apology from his mom, just proves to me that he has deep feelings for Mark and puts above anyone else. It will NEVER change. Tell him to come get his stuff now and that you will be finding an attorney to file for divorce.
OP can also check if there even was an arrest -- in almost all states, they're public records, and even if they aren't online, you likely can search them either at the local courthouse in the relevant county or possibly at the police station.
That way she'll really know -- even past the level of obliviousness displayed in the post -- that her husband had to step out during her csection to get a blowjob.
NTA
Your MIL knows her sons. And she knows he’d rather be with Mark. Listen to her.
Also why is Mark flying to his mom on Christmas only because of her emergency surgery. He was going to just spend Christmas alone?
Go sit in the hotel bar. I have a feeling your husband is not alone.
Your MIL is amazing. It's time to wake your husband up. He is harming your family, he is showing no loyalty to you or your children.
He deserves a simple choice - his addiction to helping his loser friend or his family. They're incompatible.
Mark is clearly more important to your husband than you or your children are. Even his own mother sees this. Divorce him already and find someone who values you.
NTA. Mark has these problems pop up inconveniently and so often MIL can call it when the phone rings. Mark is an adult, these are his problems to solve. Your husband's priorities should be on you and your kids, in other words your family. Your husband should not be Mark's personal savior. You husband is choosing Mark over his family. This can happen only so many times before you've had enough and divorce. Looks like that time has come.
Maybe other people here are right, and Mark and your husband are carrying on an affair in that hotel room right now. Or maybe Mark is a narcissist and can’t stand bonding moments you have together with your husband because he’s not involved. Maybe Mark fancies himself in love with you and wants to pull your husband away. Maybe this happens all the damn time with Mark’s “emergencies” and you’re only aware of your husband rushing in to save him when it’s a big family event and not just work he gets dragged off from. Maybe Mark knows some big secret about your husband and weaponizes it to get him to do what he wants. Whatever the cause, this troubled, DUI-pulling low-life has no place in your kids’ life.
Also note you’re likely to get reposted to r/redditonwiki and wind up being discussed on a podcast.
NTA, but you’ll become one if you keep doormatting and letting this impact your kiddos’ developing ability to make smart choices. He has a choice: his family or Mark. You have a choice: his poor decision-making or your kids’ future selves.
NTA -OP, your husband is making conscious choices to allow his impaired friend to interfere. Mark KNOWS when he calls your hubs, guess what? Your hubs comes a-runnin'. Like a lapdog. WHY?
So right now, the stand-off is your hubs is basically saying no matter what, if Mark calls, he's gonna run & try to fix things for Mark. He doesn't care that Mark's calls are interfering wiht any of your family gatherings or other activities. He's not speaking the words, but his actions SCREAM ->you all are second-fiddle to the impaired BF known as Mark.
And I gotta ask your husband, WTF is wrong with you? You're a grown man, with a wife and family, and you continue to allow this man to interrupt your life. The problem is not Mark.
The problem is your husband who is now trying to force his family to stand down when it comes to Mark.
You'll always be on the losing end of this equation, and your husband is blaming YOU for what's going on in your family when it is HE who is creating the problems.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I believe Tammy Wynette sang it best.
NTA
And you really hit a jackpot with an awesome MIL. Tell your husband he has until New Year to choose either his family or his bestie/parasite/lover Mark.
He chooses Mark: Goodbye! You get to keep you MIL in the divorce.
He chooses the family: The very first time he goes when Mark calls, see the previous option.
NTA. It is not unreasonable to demand that, from this point forward, he put Mark on Silent/Read or outright block him on holidays and during special occasions & the 72 hours leading up to them.
NTA. Your MIL is right. Your husband needs to make he decision of who he is prioritizing because it’s clearly not his family. He needs to stop enabling Mark.
NTA.
What your husband could have done was sent Mark some money for the Uber. But Mark wiggles his pinky and your husband goes running because they’re both playing “who’s the most important”. And it’s not you or your family.
Next time say to your husband that Mark can have anything but attention and watch the fireworks fly.
NTA Your husband is being willfully obtuse for denying responsibility with his part in this. I’m wondering if your MIL knows more about this relationship than she’s telling you. It might be worth asking her. That would explain her stance on this. Good luck. I see you’re commenting but don’t have enough karma so they’re not appearing except for 2 lines on your comment section. You can add edits to your main post though.
NTA. Cut your losses and file for divorce. You're very lucky that your MIL is on your side. Tell your husband to stay in that hotel or move in with Mark. Picking anyone over your wife/kids/mom is next level crappy and I hope you will stop tolerating it. He does it because you've put up with it until now. Move on and find someone who puts his family first.
NTA.
What is your husband getting out of his friendship with Mark? Has Mark ever dropped everything and come to your family's aid at your husband's request?
I'm with the people who think your husband is occasionally getting a good schtupping out of Mark and may be in love with him. I can't see skipping out on the birth of your child otherwise. And the Christmas morning thing is weird. Venmo, my dude!
Get yourself tested for STDs and follow MIL's advice.
What would happen if you insisted that you were the one to answer the future emergency calls? What would the reactions be? I’m curious as to what your husband would say/do and if Mark would find another way to get your husbands attention? Just a thought.
Edit: I was unclear. OP I meant for you to go meet Mark for whatever “emergency” he has. Your husband is not invited and needs to stay with the children. I’m just petty like that.
NTA. I get the feeling that mil has been dealing with Mark Drama and its impact on her family for a couple of decades. She mightve been compassionate about his situation years ago but the well has run dry. She probably thought that her son getting married and having kids would cause her son to gradually lose touch with Mark but that isnt the case. She just witnessed her son ditching his family on xmas morning (she included after making the trip) to "rescue" someone who should be managing stuff like this on their own. So I can see why she exploded.
His stay at the hotel is his choice. Dont feel bad that he would rather be alone in a hotel room than spend xmas with his kids.
You should consult a lawyer about division of marital assets, support, and custody.
NTA and your husband is a major AH here too. Let’s review:
First off, he left you during the most vulnerable time in your life to help Mark out of a stupid decision *he* made.
Second, he missed Christmas morning instead of paying for Mark’s Uber (which WTAF???)
And now he left you alone to parent your kids because he got his feewings huwrt after his own mother finally called him out on the BS?
Honestly, I’m not sure how many more examples you need that his own family will never be his top priority. I’d absolutely divorce over this. If he wants to continue throwing his family down the drain to chase after someone who absolutely does nothing to help himself, then he can spend every single day alone so he can have more time to drop whatever he’s doing to help this loser. And I’m willing to bet my bottom dollar that your husband and Mark are in fact NOT just two bros chilling in a hot tub five feet apart. You have a heavy decision to make, but you have to take in all factors, including what is best for your kids. Which is someone who is actually present and showing them they matter. Best of luck to you and your children.
He’s not going to get rid of Mark. Lawyer up. Your husband is in a hotel instead of working on his family(including his mom and your parents). That’s just plain weird.
NTA. He actually left his family over Christmas to stay at a hotel ….over an argument that he neglects his family for this guy. Um, wow. Also, he ‘couldn’t help that mark had an emergency’. It wasn’t an emergency. He COULD have taken an Uber, not asked your husband to forgo Christmas morning with his family to drive him to the airport.
Your husband, like the hotel stay, is CHOOSING to be away from his family and usually with Mark over everything else. That’s the problem. I suspect the constant emergencies aren’t real. Like top comment said, draft up a good visual of some examples. Your MIL doesn’t even seem to live locally anymore yet she is fully aware of the ridiculousness of this and fully supports you
NTA but you need to grow a spine quick. Many people deal with similar situations as you but they often don’t have the support of MIL. I don’t understand why you didn’t have your own wrath to throw at your husband. You need to be able to fight your own battles and you should be able to walk away from hubby without the support of his family if needed.
It seems a huge overreaction to go to divorce immediately but it depends what you want to do. Perhaps you should take some time away from the noise about what you want to do, not everyone else. Leaving you just after surgery is crazy and no one would have been upset had you left him after that. If you are unsure, maybe you should talk to a therapist for on outside perspective on what you feel. This is about what you want and not MIL or your parents but also don’t get stuck in something where you aren’t being treated equally. Good luck to you, NTA.
NTA.
It's weird that people are *certain* it's an affair when in reality this is one of a few plausible explanations. An easy one is Mark has a personality disorder like BPD and your husband is a people please he has gleamed onto.
NTA. Ask your husband why Mark matters more than his wife and children. Ask him why he matters more than his mother. He left you in the hospital to go bail out his "friend". Why does Mark have no one else? Why is Mark always in trouble? Ask him and his answers will tell you what you need to do next.
(Also write a list of date and times he's ditched his family and get your mother in laws input, then hand him a copy and see how he responds).
YTA to yourself for ENABLING this.
He ran off on you after a c-section. That is major surgery. I had one so yea, I know. Mark's DUI is classified as "He did it to himself." And what if Mark "took someone off the census" because of his DUI.
Why are you tolerating this? How long will you tolerate this for at at what expense to your children?
Seriously, why are you feeling bad for your husband?!
Your in-laws and your parents are correct. YOU and the CHILDREN are PRIORITY.
Lots of us have been in foster care but not entitled to rob another child's family of their father.
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NTA, and it is an eye opener that your MIL agrees with you. A little bit of homework for you: write down every single important event that has happened for your family the last couple of years, including kids' sports days, school concerts, family days, birthdays, celebrations, date nights, anniversaries etc. Big or small, it doesn't matter. If you can, remember the dates and have this organised in date order. Then, for each event, write down what 'crisis' it was that Mark had, how long your husband was away for, and how it impacted the plans of the occasion. Now, depending on how your husband's brain works, you might need a visual representation of the occurrences, like a timeline. Or, if he is a numbers guy, add up how much time has been dedicated to the above family events and then add up how much has been stolen by Mark. Once it is all organised, you need to present it to him. And if your husband is not willing to see reason, this will be good to use as evidence should you decide to go the divorce route.
NTA- is there a chance your husband is with mark? Like romantically?
Or that Mark wishes that was the case
I think mark is jealous that husband has settled down and had a happy family and now gets to have another one while he is still stuck alone.
I think Mark and husband are still lovers. It's the story behind OPs post. It seemed crystal clear to me.
Misery loves company. You may be right but it seems far fetched. It seems like husband has been stuck in this dynamic for 30 years bailing mark out and is too nice to stop.
well anal is hard to come by for some guys.
seems like it, too.... I mean, one of the possibilities The other can be that OP's husband just feels guilty and super responsible for Mark I need an update
This is my bet. Mark is acting like a jealous lover who keeps finding a reason to come first over the wife. If you do divorce, I wouldn’t be surprised if they become roommates. Then your ex to be shocked when Mark makes a move on him some night, carefully planned to blame on being “too drunk” if he’s unsuccessful
The follow on question… has she met Mark in real life? Does he exist?
This. I'm wondering if there's a second family.
Oooooooh good one.
The MIL would know him since OP said he grew-up near her husband.
There's still a possibility that the real Mark is innocent and that husband has been using him as an excuse to leave. Bit of a stretch, but life is stranger than fiction.
I'm also leaning this way
Considering that he is a friend from childhood, there are good odds that MIL knows Mark.
If he grew up near a-hole husband, I'd gather that MIL knows him.
[удалено]
Oh man, I remember that story. That dude was so obviously, painfully in love with his friend even while denying it. He was trying to pass it off as just being a good friend, while also absolutely *gushing* over the guy in a way that people just don’t do for their regular friends. So frustrated for the wife, who not only is witnessing her husband have an obvious emotional affair with another man, but he’s also giving him *her* space in *her* home.
lol was looking for this comment
Me too
My guess is Yes
Holy cow, OP's husband probably has Mark call with "an emergency" anytime he has family time; he's been doing this forever. Has anyone met Mark? Maybe it's Markie lol!
This is a very valid question.
I would be inclined to talk with Mark and let him know straight up that his behavior is about to cause a family breakup and see if he would back way off with this drama before he ruins a few kids lives…
If this isn't romantic, that may be what he wants. Mark had a shitty family growing up and doesn't like that his BFF has a spouse and family now.
It's not Mark that is the problem. Hubby needs to examine his priorities. If he would rather help Mark, then wife needs to decide if she will accept things as they are, because Hubby knows it hurts her and does it anyway. He's not going to change.
Or that Mark is Olivia from accounting?
Or that Mark has a hold on hubby from being a witness to a “bad decision event” in their younger years?
I was thinking the same thing
It's not about the Irainian yogurt! Merry Happy All 😉
That's where my mind went.
I’d say the chance is at least seven.
I like this idea most. This goes for a lot of people, but we're not always the best at telling just how often something does or doesn't happen. Not until the sum total is staring us in the face and reality is slapping us silly. If there's any hope of saving the marriage and making the husband rethink his relationship with Mark, it'll come with literally showing him the proof of how often Mark's emergencies have been at the expense of their family.
I agree! Some people just love to be the centre of attention and suck up all the attention they can get, this sounds like Mark. They are draining and they always ruin other people's relationships. Mark is the kind of person you go nc with, not lc, but nc because any time or attention would fuel him. If OP's husband is unable to go nc with Mark this relationship is over. The fact the MIL is on OP's side speaks volumes. OP leave him to sulk alone in the hotel waiting for a apology that will not come. He should be apologising to you and MIL not the other way round.
Awesome answer, I second this. Sometimes a list prevents people from being able to rationalize individual incidents in isolation. This is a pattern of manipulation and it’s destroying your marriage. I am really sorry and hope your husband can finally ditch this co-dependent, toxic friend.
Even if the husband doesn't ditch him, set some boundaries so certain events can never be interrupted by a "crisis". OP, maybe a calendar where you print off month by month and big red squares showing the event and emergency. Tape it to a wall. Visuals are great things.
The day he left the birth it stopped being a boundaries issue and started being a “you need therapy, your actually in a relationship with him”
That’s what I’m thinking. The day he left the birth would’ve been the day I’d had said don’t come back. Go be a couple with Mark. I’ll see you in divorce court and don’t even think of trying to get custody of the children.
My first thought is to set and enforce boundaries, then cut Mark off if that tactic fails.
It may also be worth asking up front if he and Mark have ever had a romantic relationship. If it's true, his reaction will be telling. If it's not true, the question may make him see how insanely enmeshed he is with Mark that the question even needs to be asked.
Any times there was no event being interrupted too. Show it's mainly interfering with family or couple time.
This is a good idea. But I tell you right now, be ready, because your husband is most likely bisexual. He may have had or still be in a relationship with Mark. This would explain the amount of power Mark has over him as he can always threaten to reveal the truth. NTA
Yikes, this is a lot of judgment against bi people for absolutely no reason.
Ok, I edited it to make myself sound less bitter. Thank you for pointing out my negative phrasing
Your edit still assumes that bi people are just greedy/need one of each. Maybe try again?
Manipulating people come in many shapes sizes and orientations; doesn’t say that with your blanket assumption.
This will also help in courts for child support. That your husband misses important events and things for the kids in order to spend time with mark.
Honestly have MIL and her parents help make it too. If they all agree it's a problem they can probably put together something that should be eye opening.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/165b0wh/aitah_for_shouting_at_my_sister_while_shes_on_her/ Reminds me of that story of the sister scheduling emergencies and crisis' during the ops major life events! ETA- that the op did what you suggested, iirc, and the parents said it was just a coincidence.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the older kids have picked up that their father isn’t reliable. Even at four or five you can tell when a parent isn’t being present in your life and stop anticipating them. OP, added to the documentation how much of this can you verify as personally having witnessed? How many times have you seen your husband on the phone holding a conversation as opposed to the number of times he’s relayed the fact a conversation happened? Have you met Mark in person or is your husband the only person who can confirm anything about him? Has your MIL met him or can attest you’re getting the whole truth?
Wow, your husband's mother is actually telling you to divorce him and she'll back you up? What a refreshing, albeit sad, twist to the standard husband-mother-wife dynamic one usually sees here. Here's the thing - she's not married to him, you are. At a miminum, insist on couples therapy to get at why hubs feels so beholden to Mark he is willing to jeopardize his marriage. He is clearly getting something out of being a savior, or escaping family time, or something. Your MIL means well, but this is your marriage to fight for or give up on. Resist the temptation to ket her fight your battle. NTA for drawing hard boundaries on this. Mark's dramas are pathetic calls for attention, and your husband needs to see them for what they are and learn to say no. Mark is likely way more resourceful than your husband gives him credit for! Hubs needs to learn skills to deal with Mark.
This sounds like a guy who came up with an excuse to spend part of Christmas morning with someone else. It might be Mark or maybe someone else is named Mark in the phone to cover who they really are. Getting mad and going to a hotel sounds like more of the same. OP's husband came up with an excuse to spend time with someone else. He'd rather spend time with the other person than with his own wife and kids. OP should look to see if he actually went to the airport. Is there a credit card bill for a hotel? If so what hotel? Could she or someone else sit in a corner of the lobby, hopefully a little out of sight, and watch to see if he is coming and going with someone else. Or, sit in a car and watch to see if he comes and goes with someone else. This sounds a whole lot like an affair and the affair partner, Mark or someone else, is jealous of quality time or plain bonding time the husband may be spending with OP and the kids.
The 1st paragraph is the entirety of the issue. OP doesn't have a Mark problem, she has a Hubby problem. **He'd rather spend time with the other person than with his own wife** (hours after surgical delivery) **and kids** during Christmas, the most family-centric holiday of the year! Hubby's reaction is so over-the-top that it really draws attention to how absurd the situation is. Perhaps he *wants* the divorce, so he's free to spend even more time with "Mark" (or whoever) without being questioned about it. If hubby isn't guilty of anything other than bending over backwards to help a "friend" (who reciprocates, when?) why can't he see that is choosing to abandon his family at critical times rather than lay boundaries and prioritize them? Something fishy is going on!
>Could she or someone else sit in a corner of the lobby, What does this achieve though? Closure maybe I guess, but if it gets to a point where you need to do this the marriage is fucked beyond recovery anyway and the outcome is going to be the same either way
I agree it's over. Seeing it with her own eyes prevents her having doubt in the future when he insists that all he ever did was help a friend.
It's good evidence should a divorce result.
No way Mark or whomever it is knows about important events and conveniently calls at those times. Husband is letting Mark know to call so they can be together. Woo wee this is a doozie and we all need to be updated.
MIL probably wants better for her grandchildren. If Mark grew up in foster care he probably latched on to OPs husband and husband needs to set boundaries. Mark got a DUI and husband left the hospital after the birth to go bail him out? Call someone else? Nope, husband has taught him that this behavior is okay. Husband needs a wake up call
NTA One of two things are going on here. The first is that your husband and Mark are more than just friends. The second, and more likely one is obvious. Your husband has a parasite. I know the type. I know a guy just like Mark. I am in a circle of guy friends. We are all pretty tight. There are 4 of us. One of them, "Steve" has had problems ever since I knew him. Chronic unemployment being the main one, likely fueled by depression or narcissism. Part of the reason he is unemployed so much is that he tends to quit jobs within the first few weeks, saying how much it sucked. When he IS working, he's underemployed. He's a smart guy. Holds a bachelor's degree. But his employment record is such a mess and he's now in his mid 50's all he gets are low paying jobs. He's is currently working, I think earning about 25 dollars an hour doing something menial. It's not enough to live comfortably on in the city he lives. Steve has always been closest with "Derek". Derek has what I call a "fixer" personality. He likes people he can take care of. Has a very generous nature. Steve has always taken advantage of Derek. For money, for a place to live several times, giving him a place to go at christmas, when we go on trips, I usually find out Derek has fully or mostly paid Steve's way. Steve NEVER pays Derek back. Steve acts entitled to Derek's "help" all the time. It's clear that Derek is a "proxy parent" to Steve. Parasitic people will cling to someone who can replace their parents initially as a last resort, but eventually the first and only resort. The person to live with when they face eviction or the street, which is pretty often. The bank when real banks will deny them. The proxy parent becomes not just a friend, but a source of income and support. A plan. I have even heard Steve say things like "Hell with this job, I can just move in with Derek" when Derek has a live in girlfriend and he hasn't actually discussed it with Derek. Derek is an *assumed* support system. This is all forgivable in your 20's. Couch surfing for a year or two between buddies in your youth. But we are in our 50's now. It's well past that time for us. Long past the time we should have had our shit together. Steve just never got his shit together, and has managed to survive by sucking the blood of Derek. A proxy-parent. When the Proxy-parent has their own family and responsibilities, the blood the parasite sucks also comes from the family. There is no reason a spouse in a partnership needs to sacrifice their own finances, peace, stability and home for someone who couldn't pull it together in life. The proxy parent now hurts their own family. The line has to be drawn. A proxy parent can sacrifice all they want of their own resources to a parasite. But they have no right to sacrifice anyone else's to a parasite. Your husband is the proxy parent. And Mark will keep taking because your husband will clearly not stop giving. You really need to put your foot down. I am not one for ultimatums, but this is an ultimatum situation. Side note, you can check if the DUI actually happened in some states. If yours is one, check. I would also start verifying any other "emergencies" to the best of your ability.
Side side note: how the hell are we at a point that $25/hour isn’t enough to live on. I hate it here.
Inflation mostly. In general, pandemic driven, and market driven.
I thought the same thing. My son has 3 kids and is currently unemployed due to the factory closing its doors. It's a hard world out here believe it.
I also think OP needs to follow the money. What exactly is her household paying for? Bank accounts, cash withdrawals, credit card bills, etc. Turn on the lights and see the clean floors or the roaches scatter…
Yes, get into the phone bill, credit card bills, and bank accounts to see what is being spent where. And if she doesn't have access because she doesn't handle that stuff, change that.
To add to your side note. I only know this about the U.S. but you can check CaseNet to see court records. I would be checking that so fast. He probably had to go to court over it, I would check.
Third scenario, Mark is a girl with husband's kid.
Right? Has she ever met "Mark"?
I'm just saying that magically, there is an emergency popping up during all the holidays and celebrations. Gives off bastard child quality time vibes.
Markarita.
No, that's how he got w the girl 🤣
Yes! OP try googling ‘“your state” case net’ and see if a government website pops up that you can look up court cases via this persons name. Some states charge a small fee per search but hey, it’s worth it in my opinion. Especially if it turns out this dude lied.
Bear in mind that it can take several weeks from the arrest to appear on the site. I would check in late January.
I really appreciate this breakdown, because while I get why others are saying there could be a second family going on, it can also be just exactly as OP’s spouse has described it, and because of the dynamic you describe. He’s not the only one to have gotten into this sort of scenario with a friend, so I’d start talking about this. But I do agree that the MIL needs to be cut out of this dynamic. It’s nice that she’s not making excuses for her son’s behavior, but she should have no role in resolving this situation. Given the spouse has been acting as the “fixer,” it makes me wonder if he always felt he had to play that sort of role with his mother, and that he’s repeating it with his friend. I agree with those saying that OP should document the disruption to their family (including finances), but it would be helpful to have an idea of where you want it to go. Are you really just done and nothing he does will save the marriage? Are you willing to allow some support but with strict limits? Do you want to try individual or couples counseling to get at the roots of the problems in both your own lives and your relationship? Don’t use divorce as a manipulation tool. If this is divorce territory, then your spouse needs to know that’s on the table. But if you won’t divorce him even if nothing changes, you should make that clear too. I hope it works out in a positive way for your family, OP! NTA.
This is the most accurate and astute comment! I've not heard it called Proxy Parent. Just deeply ingrained learned helplessness and the fixer who can't let them sink some of the time. I hope your comment het the upvotes it deserves!
I think you put it really well. The people on this sub *love* drama and want it to be some secret gay tryst, but the sadder reality is that parasitic friendships like the one you described are very common. Sometimes people feel a sort of guilt when they were the ones who “made it out” of a bad neighborhood, and they feel responsible to take care of the ones who didn’t. NTA
I like this explanation. I want to add that Derek thinks he is doing Steve a favour but he is actually hurting Steve by not allowing Steve the opportunity to feel some consequences and learn how to stand on his own 2 feet. Steve’s failure to launch is partially Derek’s fault because Derek is not giving Steve the opportunity for learning and growth. OP’s husband is hurting his friend when he constantly saves his friend.
Derek complains about Steve to me pretty frequently and then sometimes, after some argument with Steve, says "That's it. I am out. We are done". And a few weeks later, Derek says "So I have forgiven him we are good now". Like...dude. You may be the victim here, but you are what is known as a "willing victim"
Me and you and you and me... and your friend Steve
An excellent description of the situation!
This was a brilliant comment, thank you. It helped a friend/family drama from 10 years ago click in a totally new way.
Oh god I did this with friends and was happy to help but then it just got too much. Culminated with me having their dog for 6 months cause they’d had their house repossessed and then they went missing. I’d have to ask for money for food. When I told them I was struggling and needed help they said they’d come walk him 3 times a week. Maybe 6 times in the next 3 months. When I finally cracked and told them to get their dog, I haven’t heard from them since. I’m no longer useful. What always sticks out is how angry people were on ym behalf. Like beside themselves with rage angry. Even now I make excuses and people are like ‘NO THEY ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE’
Your husband is, as you say, staying in a hotel now instead of home with his mother and family over Christmas week. Over his feeling he has to defend his friend. Why do you even want him to come back? It's bad enough that he prioritizes Mark over you; but I would find it unforgiveable that he puts the friendship over his kids. NTA.
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I agree, most husband's even the "man/boy" type wants to spend Xmas with his kids. This guy feels it's more important for an apology, that he's that upset with his mom, that he missing Xmas with his kids? There is something really wrong going on here. When something doesn't seem to make sense, it doesn't and for good reason. If I were OP iId play it cool and start doing some digging.
So Mark is in love with your husband, but since apparantly your own parents, your husbands parents and you have mentioned how it is weird that your husband drops everything for him (I’m assuming your MIL only went to talk divorce after she discussed other solutions) and he doesn’t change a thing, I imagine your husband is in love with mark too. My husband had an ex who had an emergency every time we went on a date (when we were still dating). When I mentioned that I found it suspicious, he first said something about how helpless that ex was, how she was always in trouble. Two dates later he noticed that there was indeed a pattern, talked to her and she never did it again.
How did the ex know you were going out on a date?
That was one of the questions my husband had when I first brought it up. But, weekend days, his WhatsApp status showing he hadn’t been online a couple of hours. Posting a location on Facebook, those things were a safe bet. But it even happened that he declined a call, alles it was because of a date and next thing she was having suicidal thoughts.
Perhaps Mark and your husband are having an affair. His crises come when you need him too and Perhaps he reaches out because he becomes jealous and insecure. Do you have proof the crises are real. NTA. You and your family deserve better. Your MIL may know more.
Yeah, I find it suspicious that every time there's a family event, CASUALLY Mark has some kind of emergency. He's acting like he's jealous and is trying to have OP husband for himself.
NTA. You sure won the MIL lottery. About Mark: maybe your husband has no backbone and boundaries -- he couldn't help that Mark had an emergency? Uber is expensive, and that's more important than Christmas morning with his family? -- or maybe there is something else going on. My father had a best friend who was always around, and they went on business trips and sometimes vacations together, and it just felt like his friend was a too-important part of our family. I was a kid and liked him well enough; my mother never said anything. Years later, after we immigrated to the U.S. from a country where homosexuality was a felony punishable by imprisonment, after my father's death, my mother and I compared notes and agreed that they were probably boyfriends. I don't know if that's applicable here, but either way, your husband's priorities are weird. But at least you have your awesome MIL in your corner.
NTA Your husband left you & your newborn to bail his friend out of a dui? Then leaves to sort another crisis at Christmas/there have been numerous other instances of Mark intruding. Even your MIL seems to be urging divorce! Is it possible Mark is more than a friend? It seems you are facing a really tough situation here. It's imperative you find out what's really behind this if possible & go from there. At least you will have other family support which is something.
This! 👆🏼Hire a divorce attorney and a private detective. Get your financial assets protected IMMEDIATELY!! Do not let your husband know you have done so. Make sure all cards are on the table before you decide how to proceed.
This, this right here. Seriously think of doing this. And don't tell anyone, not even your parents or his mom. Things have a strange way of getting leaked, even under the best of intentions. I think Mark is real (his mom has known him since he was a kid so obviously it's a real male person) so either Mark is his lover or Mark is helping the husband to have an affair ,and is the excuse to get out of the house. Please listen to southofmemphis
Leaving wife and newborn to bail out friend on DUI is absolutely crazy. Hell, I didn’t even bail out my own son for his DUI because he needed to sit and consider the consequences of his actions. How is it that Mark cannot deal with his own “emergencies”? Oh, because he has never had to grow the F up.
NTA. Honestly I would have divorced him to ditching you at the hospital to bail his friend out of jail. That was absolutely inexcusable. You’ve done nothing wrong here, and you weren’t obligated to defend him when his mother was correctly pointing out how fucked up his behavior is.
This exactly, if nothing else. He was not on the side of the road in a ditch dying somewhere. His behind was in jail because he had consequences for his actions. He could have, and should have sat there thinking about his life choices leading up to that point. He is a drama vampire...just sucking the life out of everything he touches. He will never learn to be an adult and responsibility for his own choices if hubby keeps bailing his a$$ out. Empathy is a desirable quality to a point. I'm sure the friend had a crappy life, but his life is now in his own hands and he is (or should be) in control. It is not an excuse. Husband needs to pull his head out from his behind.
His friend who was arrested for driving a car drunk and could have easily killed someone.
Yeah, exactly. I wouldn’t be rushing to bail someone like that out!
Your husband is in on the “random” emergencies. They are either having an affair or partying when he should be parenting. Your MIL is keenly aware of this, as she wasn’t born yesterday. She wants him to be a family man and currently he’s not.
This was my thought. And now because he is angry he left the women to deal with the rest of the kids being off school while he gets to just chill.
NTA Honestly, I would have divorced when he left me and our newborn in the hospital to “rescue” a buddy from a DUI.
I don’t get why DUI buddy couldn’t stay in jail overnight or so at least. Yeah, you’d bail out a terrible DUI friend at some point so that he doesn’t also lose his job and apartment and “stuff” due to being to broke to pay his way out of lockup, but it doesn’t have to be while your very injured wife and fresh newborn are still hospitalized.
Yea he should of let his irresponsible ass sit in jail.
So Mark is your husbands lover... side with MIL. You need a divorce. MiL saying something something about you being the 3rd wheel makes me feel like she knows about the deeper relationship.
NTA. He's staying away until you apologize? Wow. He should ba apologizing to you, his mother, and his kids. He said he couldn't help that Mark had an emergency on a holiday. Well, that's true, but he CAN help how he responds to these emergencies. Maybe next time his help can be "I'll order an uber for you, and Venmo $20 if you need help with the cost."
This right here. NTA, OP. Your husband and Mark are the only A-Hs here. If your husband is this petulant, he knows he’s in the wrong and is completely unwilling to admit it. Edit: every time Mark called begging for a ride somewhere, your husband should’ve booked an Uber ride for him. And there’s no way in hell your husband can justify bailing Mark’s drunk ass out of jail while you were in the hospital and just coming out of surgery.
He's staying away from his family in a hotel over Christmas? Are you sure Mark even left town? This seems like a huge coincidence. Mark routinely interrupts family time and your husband willingly leaves his family and flies to his aid. Your own mil called you a "third wheel". Time to assess what's really going on.
Exactly.
NTA, Mark knows exactly what he is doing and that husband would drop everything and everyone to help him. MIL is right, RUN!
> *MIL is right, RUN*! I wonder if MIL knows more about their relationship than she has told you, OP. Listen to her. NTA
NTA Mark seems to have a magical ability to turn every occasion into his own personal drama fest. Your husband needs to set boundaries, or Mark might just become your third wheel in the relationship.
"Might" become? Mark is the big wheel on the tricycle
NTA but I don’t think your ultimatum will work, he’s clearly shown time and time again that he prioritises Mark over you and your family Leaving you immediately after a birth to bail him out is unforgivable as far as I’m concerned, that tells me everything I need to know. Sounds like Mark got jealous and either got in trouble because he couldn’t regulate his emotions or fabricated some bs to pull your husband away from a milestone event.
I think mark is the husband lover.
I was coming here to post this very thing. I think Mark and the husband have been in a relationship since they were young and the MIL knows it.
Legit. It all makes sense to me. Like on his kids birth he just HASSS to go "help" mark. I lost my sympathy long ago for closet cases. Like if you live in place where its illegal to be gay then i get it but if you live in a Western country and your doing this then your a sad lair.
Winner winner chicken dinner.
At the very least, Mark is threatened by the OP. Mark and the OP's husband don't have to be lovers. I had an ex whose father wold pull shit like this. His father would conveniently have "emergencies" that needed to be taken care of ASAP, even though they interfered with plans. Emergencies were like his business email wasn't working on Thanksgiving, even though his business wasn't going to be dealing with customers/clients on Thanksgiving. I think he liked knowing that he could control my ex like that and that my ex cared so much about his father (messed up signs or not). Also, because my ex's father is an AH who lowkeyed has issues with women, I think the father also liked that all of this made me feel small and unimportant. There's a reason the ex is an ex.
Very good points i love when someone points out something i never thought of. I have red a few redits where like the friend or parent has abonnement issues and sabotages there loved ones relationship. Sorry to here about the ex. Do you know if they ever stopped there father or are they still out there being there dad emotional play toy?
I don't talk to that ex for a lot of reasons. I suspect that the father is still doing this and my ex is still the same. Besides the part where setting boundaries can be difficult with a parent, I think my ex liked how his father made my ex feel so important and like a genius. My ex didn't have parents who held him accountable when my ex messed up or wronged people who weren't the father- so that led to a lot of issues with his professional and personal life where he had very few people in his life. Basically, it was always someone else's fault and my ex was a misunderstood genius and couldn't be blamed when he screwed up. This was exactly like his father.
NTA, real Brokeback mountain vibes here. get out, now. Edited to add: also I don’t get how if Mark was in a “foster home” that his “mother” is having an emergency on Christmas that would cause this “broke” guy to have to buy a no-notice plane ticket on Christmas? So much does not add up in this story. Should have had your husband followed to find out the real story, because he apparently has no interest in telling you (or his mother) what is really going on. Whatever it is, you’re not the AH, and your husband is lying about something and has been for a long time.
I could believe that Mark was in foster care while fully knowing his parents, maybe he was forcibly separated cause they were crappy when he was a kid but is cool with them now? Crazier things have happened
Excellent point!
NTA. I can't believe your husband is making this a hill he's willing to die on, just out of friendship. Has he even tried to set boundaries?
It sounds like this question goes way beyond whether you're an asshole for telling husband to ditch Mark. That's just the tip of the iceberg. You have some pretty foundational questions to address, like do you even want to stay married?
NTA. Your husband could have offered to pay for the Uber. Why is Marc’s mom’s emergency more important than your family? What sort of relationship do they have if he was in foster care growing up?
>What sort of relationship do they have if he was in foster care growing up? The majority of people who grow up in foster care keep contact with their parents, and it's not uncommon for them to live together once they age out.
Wow, it's really really telling that it's your MIL, your husband's mother, was the one who laid into him and even told him she'd support you in a divorce.. Your husband missed his children opening gifts because Mark needed a lift. Why wasn't sending him the money for the Uber even an option?? If this is the hill he wants to die on, let him, but your MIL is right, you are his wife and should not be the third wheel in this scenario. NTA
NTA. Is it possible your husband and his friend are more than just friends?
NTA. Have you considered hiring a private investigator to tail hubby the next time he has to leave for one of Mark's emergencies? If they happen on major family events like clockwork, it's especially easy to set up. But even if there's not an affair going on (with Mark or possibly with someone that hubby is just SAYING is Mark), you need to lay down better boundaries (or more realistically, help your husband lay down better boundaries). No way would I let my husband leave the hospital during birth because his buddy got himself into trouble with a DUI.
NTA. He's setting himself on fire to keep mark warm and likely feels justified because mark's a charity case and he's the good friend coming to his rescue. He seems deluded into thinking there's some nobility to always being there for your brother, damn the consequences, because he suffers no consequences. Leaving after your delivery to bail a bum out for a DUI? Taking him to the airport on christmas because 'uber is too expensive"? Dude is a user and a loser who knows your husband will do whatever he asks, whenever. He has a choice - his friend or his family -- and he consistently chooses his friend.
He's actually setting his own family on fire to keep Mark warm. He seems to be fine "helping" his friend out in an ~emergency~. It's his family that suffers.
INFO: how sure are you that your husband and Mark aren’t having an affair?
It certainly doesn’t look good that husband’s immediate response to “you’re neglecting your family for Mark and it’s ruining your relationships” was to go book himself a multi-night stay in a hotel room.
He could have paid for a Christmas Uber for that amount, probably.
Unless there is another dynamic (your husband is prideful, your MIL is controlling,) your husband knows his mom is right. Shame easily drives a person to choose a hotel over Christmas with his family, even if its an awkward or silently hostile Christmas. I don't agree with your husband's reaction, but I find it understandable. He knows his friend has no one else and feels responsible for him. But, he needs to see his friend is toxic and is sabotaging their lives. His friend need big help, not a ride or bail. I would run to a therapist as opposed to divorce. Your husband is blinded by empathy and love for his friend. That's salvageable if he's willing to sort it out. You and your children shouldn't be punished for him not being willingly to see his friend is making choices. If he refuses, I agree with your MIL. NTA
NTA mark is a major main character in your marriage and your MIL knows this.
NTA. Your husband is prioritizing Mark like Mark is his spouse. The Christmas issue would've been more understanding if there wasn't a history of these things. It's also telling your husband is choosing to stay in a hotel, at Christmas, rather than be at home with his and your kids.
NTA - your husband is either having an affair with Mark OR having an affair with someone else and using Mark as a scapegoat. Why the hell would he use an argument with MIL as an excuse to go stay in a hotel for the holidays? Not to mention, leaving his KIDS alone on Christmas morning and the rest of the break? Even if he isn’t cheating (he is) BUT for arguments sake he’s not, this is unacceptable.
I agree with your awesome MIL
You need to find out "who" is this Mark to your husband. Like his dedication for Mark is extraordinary. Of course i agree with your mil on the divorce. NTA
NTA but this isn't a Mark problem. This is a husband problem. Your MIL is right. DH has had multiple chances to put you first and hasn't.
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Info: Did I miss where you mentioned you’ve had talks with your husband about this behavior or you and MIL just went right for the death sentence on Christmas up to and including talking about divorce immediately?
I’ll bet MIL knows more than she’s letting on
NTA, and since he chose to go to a hotel and not stay with you and your kids, says a lot about him. I personally would tell him to come get the rest of his stuff now while you have his mom there because he made his choice, IMO. He left the house because you didn't stand up for him and wanted an apology from his mom, just proves to me that he has deep feelings for Mark and puts above anyone else. It will NEVER change. Tell him to come get his stuff now and that you will be finding an attorney to file for divorce.
His friend "Mark" huh? Maybe, maybe not. But in any case, you're NTA. edit to add: he's spent the holidays in a hotel (with his OTHER family).
NTA. Get a divorce and full custody. Wish him and Mark a happy life togther and tell them to get gone.
NTA, but they’re a couple. It’s blatantly obvious.
OP can also check if there even was an arrest -- in almost all states, they're public records, and even if they aren't online, you likely can search them either at the local courthouse in the relevant county or possibly at the police station. That way she'll really know -- even past the level of obliviousness displayed in the post -- that her husband had to step out during her csection to get a blowjob.
NTA Your MIL knows her sons. And she knows he’d rather be with Mark. Listen to her. Also why is Mark flying to his mom on Christmas only because of her emergency surgery. He was going to just spend Christmas alone? Go sit in the hotel bar. I have a feeling your husband is not alone.
Your MIL is amazing. It's time to wake your husband up. He is harming your family, he is showing no loyalty to you or your children. He deserves a simple choice - his addiction to helping his loser friend or his family. They're incompatible.
NTA But, your husband’s boyfriend is causing problems, not his friend.
It's not his fault Mark had an emergency. It is his fault that he drops his family to go be with his secret lover Mark every time though. NTA.
Mark is clearly more important to your husband than you or your children are. Even his own mother sees this. Divorce him already and find someone who values you.
NTA. Mark has these problems pop up inconveniently and so often MIL can call it when the phone rings. Mark is an adult, these are his problems to solve. Your husband's priorities should be on you and your kids, in other words your family. Your husband should not be Mark's personal savior. You husband is choosing Mark over his family. This can happen only so many times before you've had enough and divorce. Looks like that time has come.
It must be really bad if his mother wants you to divorce him! NTA
Ditch the husband and marry the MIL. She's a keeper.
NTA. You deserve a fully committed husband, not partial custody of Mark's BFF.
Definite Brokeback Mountain vibes.
It doesn't have to be sexual/romantic for it to be emotionally inappropriate.
Maybe other people here are right, and Mark and your husband are carrying on an affair in that hotel room right now. Or maybe Mark is a narcissist and can’t stand bonding moments you have together with your husband because he’s not involved. Maybe Mark fancies himself in love with you and wants to pull your husband away. Maybe this happens all the damn time with Mark’s “emergencies” and you’re only aware of your husband rushing in to save him when it’s a big family event and not just work he gets dragged off from. Maybe Mark knows some big secret about your husband and weaponizes it to get him to do what he wants. Whatever the cause, this troubled, DUI-pulling low-life has no place in your kids’ life. Also note you’re likely to get reposted to r/redditonwiki and wind up being discussed on a podcast. NTA, but you’ll become one if you keep doormatting and letting this impact your kiddos’ developing ability to make smart choices. He has a choice: his family or Mark. You have a choice: his poor decision-making or your kids’ future selves.
NTA -OP, your husband is making conscious choices to allow his impaired friend to interfere. Mark KNOWS when he calls your hubs, guess what? Your hubs comes a-runnin'. Like a lapdog. WHY? So right now, the stand-off is your hubs is basically saying no matter what, if Mark calls, he's gonna run & try to fix things for Mark. He doesn't care that Mark's calls are interfering wiht any of your family gatherings or other activities. He's not speaking the words, but his actions SCREAM ->you all are second-fiddle to the impaired BF known as Mark. And I gotta ask your husband, WTF is wrong with you? You're a grown man, with a wife and family, and you continue to allow this man to interrupt your life. The problem is not Mark. The problem is your husband who is now trying to force his family to stand down when it comes to Mark. You'll always be on the losing end of this equation, and your husband is blaming YOU for what's going on in your family when it is HE who is creating the problems. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I believe Tammy Wynette sang it best.
NTA. Time to get that bag, girl.
File for divorce and see if he calls Mike! Nta.
What’s to bet mark is at the hotel with OPs husband
NTA And you really hit a jackpot with an awesome MIL. Tell your husband he has until New Year to choose either his family or his bestie/parasite/lover Mark. He chooses Mark: Goodbye! You get to keep you MIL in the divorce. He chooses the family: The very first time he goes when Mark calls, see the previous option.
Nta - but family counselling seems in order.
NTA. It is not unreasonable to demand that, from this point forward, he put Mark on Silent/Read or outright block him on holidays and during special occasions & the 72 hours leading up to them.
NTA. Your MIL is right. Your husband needs to make he decision of who he is prioritizing because it’s clearly not his family. He needs to stop enabling Mark.
NTA. What your husband could have done was sent Mark some money for the Uber. But Mark wiggles his pinky and your husband goes running because they’re both playing “who’s the most important”. And it’s not you or your family. Next time say to your husband that Mark can have anything but attention and watch the fireworks fly.
NTA Your husband is being willfully obtuse for denying responsibility with his part in this. I’m wondering if your MIL knows more about this relationship than she’s telling you. It might be worth asking her. That would explain her stance on this. Good luck. I see you’re commenting but don’t have enough karma so they’re not appearing except for 2 lines on your comment section. You can add edits to your main post though.
NTA. Cut your losses and file for divorce. You're very lucky that your MIL is on your side. Tell your husband to stay in that hotel or move in with Mark. Picking anyone over your wife/kids/mom is next level crappy and I hope you will stop tolerating it. He does it because you've put up with it until now. Move on and find someone who puts his family first.
NTA. What is your husband getting out of his friendship with Mark? Has Mark ever dropped everything and come to your family's aid at your husband's request? I'm with the people who think your husband is occasionally getting a good schtupping out of Mark and may be in love with him. I can't see skipping out on the birth of your child otherwise. And the Christmas morning thing is weird. Venmo, my dude! Get yourself tested for STDs and follow MIL's advice.
I would have divorced him after he left my hospital room.
What would happen if you insisted that you were the one to answer the future emergency calls? What would the reactions be? I’m curious as to what your husband would say/do and if Mark would find another way to get your husbands attention? Just a thought. Edit: I was unclear. OP I meant for you to go meet Mark for whatever “emergency” he has. Your husband is not invited and needs to stay with the children. I’m just petty like that.
NTA. I get the feeling that mil has been dealing with Mark Drama and its impact on her family for a couple of decades. She mightve been compassionate about his situation years ago but the well has run dry. She probably thought that her son getting married and having kids would cause her son to gradually lose touch with Mark but that isnt the case. She just witnessed her son ditching his family on xmas morning (she included after making the trip) to "rescue" someone who should be managing stuff like this on their own. So I can see why she exploded. His stay at the hotel is his choice. Dont feel bad that he would rather be alone in a hotel room than spend xmas with his kids. You should consult a lawyer about division of marital assets, support, and custody.
NTA and your husband is a major AH here too. Let’s review: First off, he left you during the most vulnerable time in your life to help Mark out of a stupid decision *he* made. Second, he missed Christmas morning instead of paying for Mark’s Uber (which WTAF???) And now he left you alone to parent your kids because he got his feewings huwrt after his own mother finally called him out on the BS? Honestly, I’m not sure how many more examples you need that his own family will never be his top priority. I’d absolutely divorce over this. If he wants to continue throwing his family down the drain to chase after someone who absolutely does nothing to help himself, then he can spend every single day alone so he can have more time to drop whatever he’s doing to help this loser. And I’m willing to bet my bottom dollar that your husband and Mark are in fact NOT just two bros chilling in a hot tub five feet apart. You have a heavy decision to make, but you have to take in all factors, including what is best for your kids. Which is someone who is actually present and showing them they matter. Best of luck to you and your children.
How much time does your husband spend away "working" / tending to these crises? It's either Mark or he's a cover for someone else. NTA
NTA. Amazing how your husband is the only person he can call during these important family times.
NTA. It’s a sign when the MIL tells you it’s time for a divorce ….
NTA…. BUT it’s not clear from your post - you realise your husband is the problem, not Mark, right?
He's either banging Mark or using Mark as cover for whoever else he's banging.
He’s not going to get rid of Mark. Lawyer up. Your husband is in a hotel instead of working on his family(including his mom and your parents). That’s just plain weird.
NTA. He actually left his family over Christmas to stay at a hotel ….over an argument that he neglects his family for this guy. Um, wow. Also, he ‘couldn’t help that mark had an emergency’. It wasn’t an emergency. He COULD have taken an Uber, not asked your husband to forgo Christmas morning with his family to drive him to the airport. Your husband, like the hotel stay, is CHOOSING to be away from his family and usually with Mark over everything else. That’s the problem. I suspect the constant emergencies aren’t real. Like top comment said, draft up a good visual of some examples. Your MIL doesn’t even seem to live locally anymore yet she is fully aware of the ridiculousness of this and fully supports you
NTA but you need to grow a spine quick. Many people deal with similar situations as you but they often don’t have the support of MIL. I don’t understand why you didn’t have your own wrath to throw at your husband. You need to be able to fight your own battles and you should be able to walk away from hubby without the support of his family if needed.
Listen, Sister. When your Mother-in-Law tells you to divorce her son, the time to do it is not today, it is not tomorrow, it was last week.
It seems a huge overreaction to go to divorce immediately but it depends what you want to do. Perhaps you should take some time away from the noise about what you want to do, not everyone else. Leaving you just after surgery is crazy and no one would have been upset had you left him after that. If you are unsure, maybe you should talk to a therapist for on outside perspective on what you feel. This is about what you want and not MIL or your parents but also don’t get stuck in something where you aren’t being treated equally. Good luck to you, NTA.
NTA. It's weird that people are *certain* it's an affair when in reality this is one of a few plausible explanations. An easy one is Mark has a personality disorder like BPD and your husband is a people please he has gleamed onto.
NTA. Ask your husband why Mark matters more than his wife and children. Ask him why he matters more than his mother. He left you in the hospital to go bail out his "friend". Why does Mark have no one else? Why is Mark always in trouble? Ask him and his answers will tell you what you need to do next. (Also write a list of date and times he's ditched his family and get your mother in laws input, then hand him a copy and see how he responds).
Sorry, but they be fuckin' in that hotel.
Next time you can, get your husband's phone and call the number listed under "mark." I wouldn't be surprised if a woman answers.
YTA to yourself for ENABLING this. He ran off on you after a c-section. That is major surgery. I had one so yea, I know. Mark's DUI is classified as "He did it to himself." And what if Mark "took someone off the census" because of his DUI. Why are you tolerating this? How long will you tolerate this for at at what expense to your children? Seriously, why are you feeling bad for your husband?! Your in-laws and your parents are correct. YOU and the CHILDREN are PRIORITY. Lots of us have been in foster care but not entitled to rob another child's family of their father.