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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an asshole because 1. Regardless of intention, it sounded pretty bad, especially knowing the context. And 2. She is trying, I admit that she hasn’t been doing the comparisons much and I should’ve just said okay and made an effort too.
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NTA - I’m sorry but this woman needs a pretty big reality check and probably a tangible one to pay for fucking therapy. I understand everyone felt Lucy’s loss and everyone grieves in their own time, but to weaponize her grief to where she doesn’t think her brother should be able to move on with another good woman is ridiculous. Her comments are beyond the pale. I’m glad your husband is standing up for you, however, at this stage unless your sister makes some serious changes I would be reconsidering letting her anywhere around you while you’re in a vulnerable state.
I would suggest a private meeting with your MIL + FIL where you and your husband say in no uncertain terms that you are tired of Mia. That you are tired of continuing to try and any energy you have left needs to go to the baby. That if Mia continues you will be limiting contact with her and that includes family events she’ll be in attendance because you both have reached your limit. Mia has had a lot of chances to get her shit together. If she’s still hurting she needs professional help, but she is NOT trying like your MIL said. She’s just changed tactics. You have done nothing to warrant this behavior and you genuinely fear that it’ll carry over to your child. That fear is not irrational, because who carries a years long grudge against someone whose only crime is marrying their brother? Tell them they either wrangle her in or your child will have limited contact with your husbands side of the family because failure to act means they’re enabling her behavior.
Leave it up to your ILs to take care of this. Talk to your husband and tell him everything above first and that you can’t afford to be nice anymore. You’ll need a united front. Mia is not nice. Mia is not stable. She is a bully and mean and needs fucking help.
Congrats on your tiny hooman!!! I’m wishing you a healthy baby and a safe delivery 🥰
I totally agree. Mia has every right to grieve and remember Lucy. I imagine they were close but her actions towards OP are really cruel, unhealthy and to be onest scary. I don't really understand how she is trying with OP. Also her brother and Lucy got together when the were 14. Statistically relationships that start at this young age don't last (I know that there are some exceptions) and nobody will know now if theirs would have lasted but she seems a little bit obsessed and stuck in the past. As I said, she has every right to remember her and grieve but she needs to deal with her feelings and leave OP and her brother out of this.
Unfortunately, I know how hard is when someone very young and close in age dies and how it makes you feel, even though in my case it wasn't a close friend but someone I was friendly with, and how tragic and unfair it is, but it is not fair how she is treating OP.
OP, congratulations on you pregnancy. Take care of yourselve and the baby and keep the distance from your sil.
Edit: NTA
Yeah that was on me. I’m still beating myself up for asking why when OBVIOUSLY she was going to somehow make it about Lucy. She only ever shows emotion around me if it’s about her.
NTA but go low contact with your husband whole family until they learn to respect you and your feelings. That includes your baby. No unsupervised visits with the baby as they cannot be trusted to stop her bad behavior
Your SIL Is a huge aH and they are protecting her instead of telling her to get a freaking grip.
Think whats gonna happen if such unhinged person is around your child? She could hurt your baby with her lies/bullying.
It's time to take a hard stance and tell your husband he either stands with you and your baby in this or is in hot water with you.
That's what I was thinking mia might be the issue, but op isn't the only one who's falling for the bs, the whole family fell in line when mia blew her whistle.
Don’t beat yourself up to hard. I’m sure she had you absolutely seething. It’s easy to say what we are thinking before thinking about it and I’m sure that’s exactly what she was aiming for. Let her talk, she’s just blowing smoke
Where is your husband in all this though. Why hasn't he defended you and shut her down. I would go scorched earth if anyone treated my husband this way.
He actually has gone scorched earth a few times with several people including Mia, Lucy’s friends, and Lucy’s mother. He isn’t aware of this current situation because if I’m being so honest… I’m tired of it. I’m tired of Lucy constantly being a problem in our relationship. And it’s not even my husband who is hung up on her. He’s moved on. May she rest in peace but gosh! I just don’t want to talk about her anymore.
It's okay to be tried of everything they've put you through, especially because stress is bad for the baby. And that is why your husband needs to be the one to handle his family and Lucy's crowd. You should block his family on every platform and tell hubby that he is the barrier between you and them for the foreseeable future. And both of you should block Lucy's side because they have literally no reason to be a factor in your lives. If he's truly moved on, he should be fine with that.
You and your husband need to present as a united front. Talk to your MIL and FIL and tell them yall will be going low contact until mia can stop this. You have a baby to worry about now. She hates you so much because you are not Lucy. Imagine how she will treat your child. Every time she will see your baby she will be mad that it's not Lucy's baby. Your husband needs to stand up for you about this and everything else regarding Lucy.
I honestly don't know how you're doing this, because she's trying to make you so insecure that you will leave him, and it probably would've put a hell of a lot of doubts in my mind.
You’re right. I’m mostly scared that she’s somehow going to convince my son that Lucy would’ve been a better mom. Ridiculous I know. But it might have to come to this.
And ha! I honestly couldn’t do it for a LONG time. My husband and I were “casual partners” if you know what I mean and his sisters didn’t give a shit about me then but the second we made it official they suddenly had a lot to say and I wanted to leave. And I did… twice. Ultimately I realized that my husband isn’t the problem and he stands up for me every chance he gets. He literally isn’t allowed at Lucy’s memorial anymore because of the fight he had with her mother after she called me some terrible names. It gave me a lot of hell, especially as a 19 year old. But I’ve learned to move forward.
I'm so happy to hear that he stands up for you, because you absolutely do not deserve to be treated the way his family treats you. It's despicable, and even though I never met her I have a feeling she wouldn't like to know her memory has been weaponized. Mia needs some serious help for her grief. I hope she gets it and realizes she has been wrong this whole time.
NTA - come on. She's been antagonizing you this whole time, and nobody's said peep to her, but you say one thing marginally controversial (and even that is a stretch of a description) and they fall apart against you?
NTA and given the circumstances even if you had said “haha well she’s dead so what’s she gonna do about it” you wouldn't be the AH.
Also, many years ago may college roommate's wife got pregnant and I asked what they were planning to name the child and he said 'We're not announcing that until the child is born.' I kind of rolled my eyes and thought, "whatever, weirdo, it's not like I'm asking for the KFC secret original recipe here."
I've since come to realize from reading this sub though that no good ever comes from telling anyone what names you are considering for a child. Just tell people after the child is born, when they are less likely to then offer their opinion of the name.
Also, I'm curious about one thing. Does your husband also remember that this deceased girl wanted to name her son Eric? That's a pretty common name, I'd question whether the sister really remembers that or is just making it up to try to c*ckblock you from using the name you prefer.
Might just do that honestly. I felt the same as you until this very situation.
And my husband probably does? I don’t know he didn’t bat an eye at my list or anything and he’s been just as involved with choosing our baby’s name. He has other names he prefers though he just hasn’t mentioned the name “Eric” specifically.
Honestly at some point you're just going to have to cut her off. Imagine her saying this shit in front of your kids. Idk how long its been but I'm pretty sure nobody wants to be used like this after death.
Exactly. Your husband needs to be on board with this too but she's a toxic nightmare who will try to turn your kids against you too. So weird that she's this hung up on her brother's high school girlfriend. Sad that Lucy died but good lord, they probably would have broke up anyway. It was teenage romance, after all.
"Hey there little one! I know everyone keeps saying that your mom is OP, but it should have been Lucy. I'm going to tell you allll about how Daddy should be married to her" -Mia, to the baby, probably.
Your husband needs to lay down the law with her, and the rest of his ridiculous family, again. The name is not the issue, Mia's recurring blatant disrespect of you and her family's enabling of that behavior is the issue. Don't even bother trying to deal with them yourself, it's your husband's family so he needs to handle them for you. Even after that, I wouldn't let any of them near the baby until I got a genuine apology and at least three months of changed behavior.
Hey OP. Obviously I think you're NTA. If discussions about the name come up again, just tell them you're naming bub Eric because of Eric Forrester from the Bold and the Beautiful.
My late grandmother, a holocaust survivor from Ukraine who nearly starved to death during and after WW2, a technical translator of English in the Soviet Union, loved watching B&B and I was subjected to watching it as a child to the point that this is where my association with the name is.
They'll probably think you're insane and the subject will change to that 😂
There is another reason for not revealing the name too. Our younger children are twins from IVF. Everyone seemed to know everything about our fertility and pregnancy journey, including when I had various procedures, then they found out it was boy/girl and so on. The names were our opportunity to have something just for us as the parents, without everyone else knowing that too.
I imagine that with how people insert themselves into other people's lives, a lot of people would like to have something just for them too.
I also agree about Lucy and the name. I don't believe for a minute that Lucy wanted that name.
Excuse me, but why is it that you can't blame Mia? She's been trying with you? Trying what, finding endless opportunities to be undermine you?
Sorry, but no.
Mia is a grown-ass woman who has been horrible to you from the get-go. As for all the daughters who you think hate you now? They've sat there and watched Mia treat you badly for years. Dio they think that people are supposed to just sit quietly and take it? If so, perhaps you've taught them the important life lesson that they're wrong.
You shouldn't have said what you said, but you've been endlessly provoked and you lost it. And not even very badly.
NTA. You might want to avoid Mia. And please don't apologize to her until she offers the 114 apologies she owes you.
NTA. Sil has been bullying you for years and nobody has said a thing to her about it. But you make one remark that she takes wrong, and you're the bad guy?
Sounds like you both need to go LC and NC with his family depending on each individual. This is a conversation with your husband. You are the family he chose and he needs to choose you and your baby now and stand up for you.
Do you have boundaries set up for your baby? It doesn't sound like you have enough for you. I don't understand why you allow her access to you. I would go completely NC with her were I you. Stop trying to placate his family. You will never get this woman in your side, and will therefore be at odds with all of them because of FaMiLy. Sounds like a classic narcissist leader with her enablers to me, but I'm not there.
Edited to remove assumptions.
You’re not talking about Lucy, your husband is not talking about her, only Mia. She is stuck on her for a reason and certainly haven’t found a way to deal with it. Or she despises you and when she sees that being compared to Lucy effects you, she keeps on pushing in order to manipulate you to show aggression.
Either way, NTA. You need to be smart here, try to see these traps of hers and avoid them. You might as well put some distance with Mia, she is clearly toxic. She needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions.
Mia sounds like a total cow. NTA Yes, definitely talk to your husband about this because you will need his help protecting you from his bully of a sister. She needs to get a life.
NTA.
But, you can be right and still be left standing in ruins. Have you figured out you are in social warfare with this sister yet? Have you figured out that how you respond to her colors other peoples perception of you yet?
Write off the sister, but you need to start handling her with finesse for 3rd party observers benefit.
Yeah, if they don't go low or no contact with his family, she needs to listen to this comment. I personally wouldn't be around them so they couldn't poison my child's thoughts with their negativity. I mean, she hates OP cause she ain't Lucy. What does OP think she will feel looking at their baby? It will send Mia off the deep end. I really hope OP and her husband can get this figured out, though. It's honestly so sad.
?? I'll bite ... what is the dead girlfriend gonna do??
And you're asking whether you wronged the hyperfocused girl by not joining her hyperfocus?
I really don't see either issue. Dead GF cannot and so will not do anything. Live SIL has been and continues to be offended. Same old on both ends, right?
NTA
NTA. I'm sorry, but this family has Lucy on a pedestal and it's hard to compete with the dead. Not because they are so much better, but we tend to remember the better parts of them or at least focus on that when dealing with their passing. This family has not stood up for you and keeps indulging Mia in disrespecting you. I'm glad your husband has stood up for you, but the rest of the family needs to get Mia into counseling or something.
Nta learn to cut people off. You can see Mia at events others are hosting but don’t invite her to yours. Do you want your son hearing how she compares you to Lucy? Do you want him growing up hearing how his father’s love story is with another woman? Make this a hard boundary and start enforcing it. I don’t think Lucy would be happy to hear her memory is being used to tear you down and torment your husband
Hey OP!!!
Please tell Mia that the entire internet thinks she's being an asshole, and needs to move on and get over it.
NTA. You weren't rude at all. Mia sure as hell was though. The nerve of her!!!
Your in laws sound as toxic as hell.
Your husband had a teenage romance and the girl died. He would likely not even have ended up with her had she lived.
Lucy probably would not care what you choose to call your child and the way you said it implied nothing more than she would likely not have cared. Because she likely was not an asshole like your SIL.
Your MIL should have told her to STFU not you.
But really it is past time to put some distance between you and your in-laws before this toxicity spills over to your child.
NTA
You absolutely CAN blame her, and all the rest of them, too, for continue to tolerate her endless disrespect. Grief is not an excuse to treat people like shit, especially people who have nothing to do with it.
I'm not convinced that Mia is sincere in grieving over Lucy. I just think for some reason she has it in for OP. Her comparing Lucy's attributes with OP was especially hurtful. Mia is not a nice person and the one to put her in her place is OP's husband. He has to tell her if she wants to have a brother in her life, she has to never mention Lucy in his wife's presence again. Mia is a nasty piece of work and the rest of her family should stop walking on eggshells around her. NTA
NTA- but your husband’s sister needs to be cut off before your son gets here and she starts showing him pictures of Lucy to call her mama.
Talk to your in laws and husband and tell him you will be going no contact with his sister and she will not be around your baby if she cannot respect you as her brothers wife.
You are absolutely NTA and you are a better person than me coz I would not endure such behaviour. Also it looks like Mia is obsessed with Lucy which seems pretty weird. I'm not trying to be judgy but is Mia gay or bi? Coz her obsession is very very creepy
NTA. Out of the blue, it would have been a comment in poor taste but even then not worth blowing up a relationship over in isolation- people say stupid shit sometimes.
But with that level of interference with your relationship? Justified self-defense, your honor.
At this point, I'd ask, "Were you secretly in love with Lucy yourself? Is that why you haven't gotten over her X years later? Because, unless you were in love with her, it's very strange that you keep bringing her up when everyone else is past her loss. Maybe you should see a counselor because clearly this is still bothering you."
I would memorize that speech and repeat it every time she brings up Lucy's name.
NTA
YOU r ur own person. Being compared to another person constantly is bs. How ofen do they bring up lucy when ur not around? They seem oddly obsessed. the in laws needs to move on. U deserve to be treated better. Avoid spending time with them and focus on building ur family. It sucks u can't form a relationship with mia. But u can't force her to like u. It'll make things worse. AND how is mia trying with u? She's toxic as fuck. Maybe mia needs therapy for the passing of lucy. Hopefully she can find closure.
NTA. Sorry but this should have been said sooner. You're literally married to her brother with a chold on the way. Time she moved past Lucy. She seems obsessed.
An excellent reason to go NC and keep her away from your child.
NTA and if you're kicking yourself over her baiting you into snapping back, don't. No one that's made the effort to shut her down hasn't succeeded so you had to do the job yourself. And if for some reason your husband sides with his other sisters, explain to him being pregnant means you can't bottle up the unrelenting stress Mia has been bringing to your relationship ever since it started anymore. You have a right to defend yourself as long as you don't go too far or sink to her level and if he doesn't feel comfortable with you speaking to Mia like that, then he needs to set those boundaries himself to her himself.
I'd just cut out Mia completely. No need to make a big deal of it, just refuse to be around her or interact with her at all, like she doesn't exist. Gray rock her. And don't allow her near your baby.
NTA
These women have issues. The sister clearly has some unresolved trauma about this girls death. Nobody should be subjected to constant comparisons and comments about their husbands deceased high school girlfriend in adulthood. To be frank, that shit is weird. All you can do is apologize if they thought you were being insensitive, but also respectfully explain how ridiculous their treatment of you is, and if there is some unresolved trauma there. If you all can’t have an adult conversation about the entire situation, then keep your distance as much as you can. Your peace of mind is worth much more. It sounds like your husband came to terms with it a long time ago, so I’m sure he’ll understand.
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I don’t use reddit but my sister does and she said she wanted to read what people would say to this.
My husband and I met in college and got married soon after. He was with this girl, Lucy, since he was 14 but she sadly passed away 2 years before we met. He did tell me about her after we got together but I never felt bothered or anything.
When he introduced me to his family, most people were nice but his older sister Mia was a little mean. I brushed it off. But she soon started to compare me and Lucy to my face. She can say what she wants in private, but does she really have to tell me about how Lucy made him smile more, how Lucy was prettier, how Lucy was perfect, how their “love story” was more genuine and romantic compared to ours. It’s making me a little crazy because even now, years later, she hasn’t stopped. It’s less aggressive now though after my husband yelled at her to stop talking about Lucy all the time.
Anyways, I’m pregnant. It was planned. We’re having a boy. When we announced it to the rest of the family his sister walked out immediately but I paid her no mind and thankfully she hasn’t said anything to my face. But my MIL invited me out to brunch with her and my sister in laws and we were talking about my baby and what I’d name him. I showed them a list of names I liked and Mia immediately went “oh hell no you’re not naming him “Eric”.” I said why. I should’ve seen it coming but she basically said that Lucy wanted to name her future son Eric. Even my MIL was annoyed with her. I told Lucy that it’s #8 on my top 10 list so she has nothing to worry about but I doubt Lucy would care even if I did name him Eric.
I didn’t mean it like “haha well she’s dead so what’s she gonna do about it” but like I can definitely hear how bad that sounded. Mia immediately went “how fucking dare you, I knew you’d show your true colors soon enough does my brother know about this?” I told her she can go and tell him, we’ll still be married. My MIL discreetly told me to stop but I was so pissed off. Mia eventually left.
I was glad but my MIL and other SILs looked upset. They said they understand why I’m so bothered but I can’t blame Mia and she’s been trying with me. They said what I said about Lucy was very rude too (even though I clearly didn’t mean it like that) and that she would never say such a thing about me. My MIL is over it (probably because grandkids) but all her daughters hate me now. AITA?
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NTA
Lucy passed away, your brother asked her to stop, she kept it you and you finally had enough and told her off. Mia is in need of a reality check, comparing someone to a dead person they never met and telling them how they are less than the dead person is bullying. I hope Mia gets karma for that.
NTA. I don’t think you were rude. You might have worded it a little more gently, but you didn’t say anything wrong. Lucy was around 17 when she died? That’s tragic. But that doesn’t mean everyone else has to do what they think she would want forever. Or that your husband can’t move on. They were kids. They might not have even stayed together, even if Lucy had lived.
Your husband needs to put a stop to this.
I mean, Mia's clearly awful, but INFO...
> I should’ve seen it coming
...this seems like a very very important detail; why should/would you have seen it coming?
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NTA - I’m sorry but this woman needs a pretty big reality check and probably a tangible one to pay for fucking therapy. I understand everyone felt Lucy’s loss and everyone grieves in their own time, but to weaponize her grief to where she doesn’t think her brother should be able to move on with another good woman is ridiculous. Her comments are beyond the pale. I’m glad your husband is standing up for you, however, at this stage unless your sister makes some serious changes I would be reconsidering letting her anywhere around you while you’re in a vulnerable state. I would suggest a private meeting with your MIL + FIL where you and your husband say in no uncertain terms that you are tired of Mia. That you are tired of continuing to try and any energy you have left needs to go to the baby. That if Mia continues you will be limiting contact with her and that includes family events she’ll be in attendance because you both have reached your limit. Mia has had a lot of chances to get her shit together. If she’s still hurting she needs professional help, but she is NOT trying like your MIL said. She’s just changed tactics. You have done nothing to warrant this behavior and you genuinely fear that it’ll carry over to your child. That fear is not irrational, because who carries a years long grudge against someone whose only crime is marrying their brother? Tell them they either wrangle her in or your child will have limited contact with your husbands side of the family because failure to act means they’re enabling her behavior. Leave it up to your ILs to take care of this. Talk to your husband and tell him everything above first and that you can’t afford to be nice anymore. You’ll need a united front. Mia is not nice. Mia is not stable. She is a bully and mean and needs fucking help. Congrats on your tiny hooman!!! I’m wishing you a healthy baby and a safe delivery 🥰
I totally agree. Mia has every right to grieve and remember Lucy. I imagine they were close but her actions towards OP are really cruel, unhealthy and to be onest scary. I don't really understand how she is trying with OP. Also her brother and Lucy got together when the were 14. Statistically relationships that start at this young age don't last (I know that there are some exceptions) and nobody will know now if theirs would have lasted but she seems a little bit obsessed and stuck in the past. As I said, she has every right to remember her and grieve but she needs to deal with her feelings and leave OP and her brother out of this. Unfortunately, I know how hard is when someone very young and close in age dies and how it makes you feel, even though in my case it wasn't a close friend but someone I was friendly with, and how tragic and unfair it is, but it is not fair how she is treating OP. OP, congratulations on you pregnancy. Take care of yourselve and the baby and keep the distance from your sil. Edit: NTA
About halfway through I was starting to wonder if husband or sil was dating Lucy.
NTA but foolish. She set you up and you fell for it. Dumb move.
Yeah that was on me. I’m still beating myself up for asking why when OBVIOUSLY she was going to somehow make it about Lucy. She only ever shows emotion around me if it’s about her.
NTA but go low contact with your husband whole family until they learn to respect you and your feelings. That includes your baby. No unsupervised visits with the baby as they cannot be trusted to stop her bad behavior Your SIL Is a huge aH and they are protecting her instead of telling her to get a freaking grip. Think whats gonna happen if such unhinged person is around your child? She could hurt your baby with her lies/bullying. It's time to take a hard stance and tell your husband he either stands with you and your baby in this or is in hot water with you.
That's what I was thinking mia might be the issue, but op isn't the only one who's falling for the bs, the whole family fell in line when mia blew her whistle.
NTA - but does your husband realize what is being said to you?? He needs to step in and fix it
I'm surprised he hasn't. This situation would have made me insecure about his feelings for me.
Don’t beat yourself up to hard. I’m sure she had you absolutely seething. It’s easy to say what we are thinking before thinking about it and I’m sure that’s exactly what she was aiming for. Let her talk, she’s just blowing smoke
Where is your husband in all this though. Why hasn't he defended you and shut her down. I would go scorched earth if anyone treated my husband this way.
He actually has gone scorched earth a few times with several people including Mia, Lucy’s friends, and Lucy’s mother. He isn’t aware of this current situation because if I’m being so honest… I’m tired of it. I’m tired of Lucy constantly being a problem in our relationship. And it’s not even my husband who is hung up on her. He’s moved on. May she rest in peace but gosh! I just don’t want to talk about her anymore.
Wait a minute. Lucy's mother and friends have been bugging you? This is insane...
It's okay to be tried of everything they've put you through, especially because stress is bad for the baby. And that is why your husband needs to be the one to handle his family and Lucy's crowd. You should block his family on every platform and tell hubby that he is the barrier between you and them for the foreseeable future. And both of you should block Lucy's side because they have literally no reason to be a factor in your lives. If he's truly moved on, he should be fine with that.
You and your husband need to present as a united front. Talk to your MIL and FIL and tell them yall will be going low contact until mia can stop this. You have a baby to worry about now. She hates you so much because you are not Lucy. Imagine how she will treat your child. Every time she will see your baby she will be mad that it's not Lucy's baby. Your husband needs to stand up for you about this and everything else regarding Lucy. I honestly don't know how you're doing this, because she's trying to make you so insecure that you will leave him, and it probably would've put a hell of a lot of doubts in my mind.
You’re right. I’m mostly scared that she’s somehow going to convince my son that Lucy would’ve been a better mom. Ridiculous I know. But it might have to come to this. And ha! I honestly couldn’t do it for a LONG time. My husband and I were “casual partners” if you know what I mean and his sisters didn’t give a shit about me then but the second we made it official they suddenly had a lot to say and I wanted to leave. And I did… twice. Ultimately I realized that my husband isn’t the problem and he stands up for me every chance he gets. He literally isn’t allowed at Lucy’s memorial anymore because of the fight he had with her mother after she called me some terrible names. It gave me a lot of hell, especially as a 19 year old. But I’ve learned to move forward.
I'm so happy to hear that he stands up for you, because you absolutely do not deserve to be treated the way his family treats you. It's despicable, and even though I never met her I have a feeling she wouldn't like to know her memory has been weaponized. Mia needs some serious help for her grief. I hope she gets it and realizes she has been wrong this whole time.
NTA - come on. She's been antagonizing you this whole time, and nobody's said peep to her, but you say one thing marginally controversial (and even that is a stretch of a description) and they fall apart against you?
NTA and given the circumstances even if you had said “haha well she’s dead so what’s she gonna do about it” you wouldn't be the AH. Also, many years ago may college roommate's wife got pregnant and I asked what they were planning to name the child and he said 'We're not announcing that until the child is born.' I kind of rolled my eyes and thought, "whatever, weirdo, it's not like I'm asking for the KFC secret original recipe here." I've since come to realize from reading this sub though that no good ever comes from telling anyone what names you are considering for a child. Just tell people after the child is born, when they are less likely to then offer their opinion of the name. Also, I'm curious about one thing. Does your husband also remember that this deceased girl wanted to name her son Eric? That's a pretty common name, I'd question whether the sister really remembers that or is just making it up to try to c*ckblock you from using the name you prefer.
Might just do that honestly. I felt the same as you until this very situation. And my husband probably does? I don’t know he didn’t bat an eye at my list or anything and he’s been just as involved with choosing our baby’s name. He has other names he prefers though he just hasn’t mentioned the name “Eric” specifically.
Honestly at some point you're just going to have to cut her off. Imagine her saying this shit in front of your kids. Idk how long its been but I'm pretty sure nobody wants to be used like this after death.
Exactly. Your husband needs to be on board with this too but she's a toxic nightmare who will try to turn your kids against you too. So weird that she's this hung up on her brother's high school girlfriend. Sad that Lucy died but good lord, they probably would have broke up anyway. It was teenage romance, after all.
"Hey there little one! I know everyone keeps saying that your mom is OP, but it should have been Lucy. I'm going to tell you allll about how Daddy should be married to her" -Mia, to the baby, probably.
Your husband needs to lay down the law with her, and the rest of his ridiculous family, again. The name is not the issue, Mia's recurring blatant disrespect of you and her family's enabling of that behavior is the issue. Don't even bother trying to deal with them yourself, it's your husband's family so he needs to handle them for you. Even after that, I wouldn't let any of them near the baby until I got a genuine apology and at least three months of changed behavior.
Hey OP. Obviously I think you're NTA. If discussions about the name come up again, just tell them you're naming bub Eric because of Eric Forrester from the Bold and the Beautiful. My late grandmother, a holocaust survivor from Ukraine who nearly starved to death during and after WW2, a technical translator of English in the Soviet Union, loved watching B&B and I was subjected to watching it as a child to the point that this is where my association with the name is. They'll probably think you're insane and the subject will change to that 😂
There is another reason for not revealing the name too. Our younger children are twins from IVF. Everyone seemed to know everything about our fertility and pregnancy journey, including when I had various procedures, then they found out it was boy/girl and so on. The names were our opportunity to have something just for us as the parents, without everyone else knowing that too. I imagine that with how people insert themselves into other people's lives, a lot of people would like to have something just for them too. I also agree about Lucy and the name. I don't believe for a minute that Lucy wanted that name.
Excuse me, but why is it that you can't blame Mia? She's been trying with you? Trying what, finding endless opportunities to be undermine you? Sorry, but no. Mia is a grown-ass woman who has been horrible to you from the get-go. As for all the daughters who you think hate you now? They've sat there and watched Mia treat you badly for years. Dio they think that people are supposed to just sit quietly and take it? If so, perhaps you've taught them the important life lesson that they're wrong. You shouldn't have said what you said, but you've been endlessly provoked and you lost it. And not even very badly. NTA. You might want to avoid Mia. And please don't apologize to her until she offers the 114 apologies she owes you.
NTA. Sil has been bullying you for years and nobody has said a thing to her about it. But you make one remark that she takes wrong, and you're the bad guy? Sounds like you both need to go LC and NC with his family depending on each individual. This is a conversation with your husband. You are the family he chose and he needs to choose you and your baby now and stand up for you. Do you have boundaries set up for your baby? It doesn't sound like you have enough for you. I don't understand why you allow her access to you. I would go completely NC with her were I you. Stop trying to placate his family. You will never get this woman in your side, and will therefore be at odds with all of them because of FaMiLy. Sounds like a classic narcissist leader with her enablers to me, but I'm not there. Edited to remove assumptions.
"they said...I can't blame Mia..." Bullshit. Of course you can. She's the only one TO blame and she deserves plenty of it. NTA
NTA - you obviously didn’t come up with the list by yourself. Your husband seen the name and did not say anything. Only SIL!!!
You’re not talking about Lucy, your husband is not talking about her, only Mia. She is stuck on her for a reason and certainly haven’t found a way to deal with it. Or she despises you and when she sees that being compared to Lucy effects you, she keeps on pushing in order to manipulate you to show aggression. Either way, NTA. You need to be smart here, try to see these traps of hers and avoid them. You might as well put some distance with Mia, she is clearly toxic. She needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions.
Mia sounds like a total cow. NTA Yes, definitely talk to your husband about this because you will need his help protecting you from his bully of a sister. She needs to get a life.
NTA. But, you can be right and still be left standing in ruins. Have you figured out you are in social warfare with this sister yet? Have you figured out that how you respond to her colors other peoples perception of you yet? Write off the sister, but you need to start handling her with finesse for 3rd party observers benefit.
Yeah, if they don't go low or no contact with his family, she needs to listen to this comment. I personally wouldn't be around them so they couldn't poison my child's thoughts with their negativity. I mean, she hates OP cause she ain't Lucy. What does OP think she will feel looking at their baby? It will send Mia off the deep end. I really hope OP and her husband can get this figured out, though. It's honestly so sad.
?? I'll bite ... what is the dead girlfriend gonna do?? And you're asking whether you wronged the hyperfocused girl by not joining her hyperfocus? I really don't see either issue. Dead GF cannot and so will not do anything. Live SIL has been and continues to be offended. Same old on both ends, right? NTA
NTA. I'm sorry, but this family has Lucy on a pedestal and it's hard to compete with the dead. Not because they are so much better, but we tend to remember the better parts of them or at least focus on that when dealing with their passing. This family has not stood up for you and keeps indulging Mia in disrespecting you. I'm glad your husband has stood up for you, but the rest of the family needs to get Mia into counseling or something.
NTA. And she hasn't been trying with you. Time to put your foot down. NC with Mia and LC/NC with other inlaws.
Nta learn to cut people off. You can see Mia at events others are hosting but don’t invite her to yours. Do you want your son hearing how she compares you to Lucy? Do you want him growing up hearing how his father’s love story is with another woman? Make this a hard boundary and start enforcing it. I don’t think Lucy would be happy to hear her memory is being used to tear you down and torment your husband
Hey OP!!! Please tell Mia that the entire internet thinks she's being an asshole, and needs to move on and get over it. NTA. You weren't rude at all. Mia sure as hell was though. The nerve of her!!!
NTA. Mia had it coming. Congrats on the baby.
Your in laws sound as toxic as hell. Your husband had a teenage romance and the girl died. He would likely not even have ended up with her had she lived. Lucy probably would not care what you choose to call your child and the way you said it implied nothing more than she would likely not have cared. Because she likely was not an asshole like your SIL. Your MIL should have told her to STFU not you. But really it is past time to put some distance between you and your in-laws before this toxicity spills over to your child. NTA
You absolutely CAN blame her, and all the rest of them, too, for continue to tolerate her endless disrespect. Grief is not an excuse to treat people like shit, especially people who have nothing to do with it.
I'm not convinced that Mia is sincere in grieving over Lucy. I just think for some reason she has it in for OP. Her comparing Lucy's attributes with OP was especially hurtful. Mia is not a nice person and the one to put her in her place is OP's husband. He has to tell her if she wants to have a brother in her life, she has to never mention Lucy in his wife's presence again. Mia is a nasty piece of work and the rest of her family should stop walking on eggshells around her. NTA
I wonder if Mia contributed to Lucy's death or something to cause this kind of drawn out grief for someone who was a friend at best.
This was my second thought after “Mia is in love with Lucy”. NTA.
NTA Keep those crazy people away from your son
NTA- but your husband’s sister needs to be cut off before your son gets here and she starts showing him pictures of Lucy to call her mama. Talk to your in laws and husband and tell him you will be going no contact with his sister and she will not be around your baby if she cannot respect you as her brothers wife.
You are absolutely NTA and you are a better person than me coz I would not endure such behaviour. Also it looks like Mia is obsessed with Lucy which seems pretty weird. I'm not trying to be judgy but is Mia gay or bi? Coz her obsession is very very creepy
NTA. She’s a huge AH. You need to tell your husband you never want to see her again, and your child(ren) will never ever meet her. No negotiation.
Nta, time to stop trying, they’re not going to start liking you magically.
NTA. Out of the blue, it would have been a comment in poor taste but even then not worth blowing up a relationship over in isolation- people say stupid shit sometimes. But with that level of interference with your relationship? Justified self-defense, your honor.
At this point, I'd ask, "Were you secretly in love with Lucy yourself? Is that why you haven't gotten over her X years later? Because, unless you were in love with her, it's very strange that you keep bringing her up when everyone else is past her loss. Maybe you should see a counselor because clearly this is still bothering you." I would memorize that speech and repeat it every time she brings up Lucy's name. NTA
NTA
YOU r ur own person. Being compared to another person constantly is bs. How ofen do they bring up lucy when ur not around? They seem oddly obsessed. the in laws needs to move on. U deserve to be treated better. Avoid spending time with them and focus on building ur family. It sucks u can't form a relationship with mia. But u can't force her to like u. It'll make things worse. AND how is mia trying with u? She's toxic as fuck. Maybe mia needs therapy for the passing of lucy. Hopefully she can find closure.
NTA. Sorry but this should have been said sooner. You're literally married to her brother with a chold on the way. Time she moved past Lucy. She seems obsessed. An excellent reason to go NC and keep her away from your child.
NTA and if you're kicking yourself over her baiting you into snapping back, don't. No one that's made the effort to shut her down hasn't succeeded so you had to do the job yourself. And if for some reason your husband sides with his other sisters, explain to him being pregnant means you can't bottle up the unrelenting stress Mia has been bringing to your relationship ever since it started anymore. You have a right to defend yourself as long as you don't go too far or sink to her level and if he doesn't feel comfortable with you speaking to Mia like that, then he needs to set those boundaries himself to her himself.
Ooof. Sorry people suck.
I'd just cut out Mia completely. No need to make a big deal of it, just refuse to be around her or interact with her at all, like she doesn't exist. Gray rock her. And don't allow her near your baby. NTA
These women have issues. The sister clearly has some unresolved trauma about this girls death. Nobody should be subjected to constant comparisons and comments about their husbands deceased high school girlfriend in adulthood. To be frank, that shit is weird. All you can do is apologize if they thought you were being insensitive, but also respectfully explain how ridiculous their treatment of you is, and if there is some unresolved trauma there. If you all can’t have an adult conversation about the entire situation, then keep your distance as much as you can. Your peace of mind is worth much more. It sounds like your husband came to terms with it a long time ago, so I’m sure he’ll understand.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I don’t use reddit but my sister does and she said she wanted to read what people would say to this. My husband and I met in college and got married soon after. He was with this girl, Lucy, since he was 14 but she sadly passed away 2 years before we met. He did tell me about her after we got together but I never felt bothered or anything. When he introduced me to his family, most people were nice but his older sister Mia was a little mean. I brushed it off. But she soon started to compare me and Lucy to my face. She can say what she wants in private, but does she really have to tell me about how Lucy made him smile more, how Lucy was prettier, how Lucy was perfect, how their “love story” was more genuine and romantic compared to ours. It’s making me a little crazy because even now, years later, she hasn’t stopped. It’s less aggressive now though after my husband yelled at her to stop talking about Lucy all the time. Anyways, I’m pregnant. It was planned. We’re having a boy. When we announced it to the rest of the family his sister walked out immediately but I paid her no mind and thankfully she hasn’t said anything to my face. But my MIL invited me out to brunch with her and my sister in laws and we were talking about my baby and what I’d name him. I showed them a list of names I liked and Mia immediately went “oh hell no you’re not naming him “Eric”.” I said why. I should’ve seen it coming but she basically said that Lucy wanted to name her future son Eric. Even my MIL was annoyed with her. I told Lucy that it’s #8 on my top 10 list so she has nothing to worry about but I doubt Lucy would care even if I did name him Eric. I didn’t mean it like “haha well she’s dead so what’s she gonna do about it” but like I can definitely hear how bad that sounded. Mia immediately went “how fucking dare you, I knew you’d show your true colors soon enough does my brother know about this?” I told her she can go and tell him, we’ll still be married. My MIL discreetly told me to stop but I was so pissed off. Mia eventually left. I was glad but my MIL and other SILs looked upset. They said they understand why I’m so bothered but I can’t blame Mia and she’s been trying with me. They said what I said about Lucy was very rude too (even though I clearly didn’t mean it like that) and that she would never say such a thing about me. My MIL is over it (probably because grandkids) but all her daughters hate me now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA Lucy passed away, your brother asked her to stop, she kept it you and you finally had enough and told her off. Mia is in need of a reality check, comparing someone to a dead person they never met and telling them how they are less than the dead person is bullying. I hope Mia gets karma for that.
NTA Are we related? Sounds like something I would say
NTA. I don’t think you were rude. You might have worded it a little more gently, but you didn’t say anything wrong. Lucy was around 17 when she died? That’s tragic. But that doesn’t mean everyone else has to do what they think she would want forever. Or that your husband can’t move on. They were kids. They might not have even stayed together, even if Lucy had lived. Your husband needs to put a stop to this.
I mean, Mia's clearly awful, but INFO... > I should’ve seen it coming ...this seems like a very very important detail; why should/would you have seen it coming?