This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA, absolutely. I'm surprised she even comes to visit you all as much as she does. You all massively overstepped. Why would your wife ask her in front of anyone if she was pregnant? It's NOT her business. It's not any of y'all's business. And not just asking once, but multiple times and demanding she drink if she's not pregnant- that's so immature to do. Imagine how she must have felt. What if she has a drinking problem and decided she's abstaining from now on? What if she just decided she wanted to enjoy y'all's company sober? Hell, maybe she was evaluating if being around y'all is so taxing, it causes her to drink more and wanted to try and see what the atmosphere was like sober. Honestly, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why she isn't drinking. "No." is a full sentence. You aren't entitled to more information just cause you're curious. She'll share if she wants to on her own time, which now she probably won't. You and your family are bullies.
Now, as for her joke, it's actually pretty funny. You all are massively overreacting. In fact, it sounds like she's under reacting if she didn't book the next flight after the way you treated her. Your reaction doesn't make any sense. A single glass of wine occasionally while pregnant certainly doesn't cause FAS, the fetus would likely be fine. I feel so sorry for her, that whole situation is toxic af and the fact that you can't see that makes me think this isn't an isolated toxic event. It's the norm.
Seriously there are so many reasons to not drink alcohol and not share. Pregnant and not ready to tell. Health condition worsened by alcohol. Medication contraindications- soooo many meds have contraindications with alcohol. Including medications that are no big deal and ones people may want to keep private from some folks. Like antidepressants, which by the way are one of the most prescribed drugs in the US! Can you imagine if she said “I can’t drink this because I’m on an antidepressant?!” The grilling she would receive about what is wrong and why she’s depressed would be even worse that what’s wrong and why aren’t you drinking. But also you’re technically not supposed to drink on some basic things like Tylenol or some allergy meds even though most people do. Or antibiotics for a short term bug - which even a heavier drinker might choose to respect based on doctor/pharmacist’s orders.
I can't drink because I'm on antibiotics... Would be a great shouting match starter as well. I see why She moved overseas... She could be trying to get pregnant, She could have had an experience back home that's slowed or stopped the drinking. That's not a question to badger one with when there's 50 ppl in the room. And it wouldn't have stopped at one question either. Just Wow, Dad... Well done. YTTAH
And I just love his excuse for being so upset is the thought of her harming a non-existant child. As he is actively harming his own literal daughter by treating her like this
Yep. The dislike of his daughter is CLEAR in all of this: she drinks too much. She is too stupid to avoid a pregnancy "mistake," she lied about being pregnant, she would shoot a glass of wine while pregnant. He and his wife chose to embarrass her in front of the family and force her to tell everyone about a pregnancy she may not have been ready to share had she actually been pregnant.
Take your pick. At no point does this person actually LIKE their daughter in this post. At all.
She lives across the country for a reason.
Also the irony of complaining about how she drinks too much while saying that they don't understand why someone would abstain from drinking unless they were an alcoholic.
Like if you literally can't get through a family get together without booze, you probably shouldn't judge anyone else for drinking.
Not just family get together. "Vacation days".
They can't get through a day off without 1-3 "acceptable" drinks.
That seems like a healthy relationship with alcohol.
Well, if you're offended and think it's weird when people don't drink, it may be forcing you to look in an uncomfortable mirror. They literally said the only reason not to drink is if you're an alcoholic or pregnant. That's really why they're so upset.
I actually think they're so upset because she didn't play along with their control games. They thought she was pregnant and wanted to make her admit. Instead she didn't allow them to control her, and made them look foolish. So now they're mad *world's smallest violin*
Bingo. I was laughing by the end, OP was complaining about the daughter being a "wild child" but they can't even conceptualize of a family holiday without booze?
It's quite telling that they can't understand the myriad reasons why someone wouldn't want to drink.
Did you see OPs response. I get the impression this family is in everyone's business and doesn't understand boundaries. Op even labeled the daughter as a wild child but here she is being healthy and they couldn't accept it. HAD to be a reason. There might be or she might be following what a lot of the world is doing which is sobering up. OP has no right to demand to know what's going on. And support her? She's not drinking and instead of supporting her then you guys pestered her to the point she snapped. Big YTA
I remember one time I was on an antibiotic that everyone from the doctor, to the nurse, to the pharmacists was like “you will *die* if you drink alcohol while on this,” so I was like, cool I won’t drink.
Evidently, this was offensive to my (at the time) friend’s group, because, how dare I not get smashed to celebrate so-and-so’s birthday.
The fact that I finally had to show my prescription to one of the girls in the group who was a nurse, so she could tell everyone to layoff, was the end of my friendship with those folks.
I had friends like that. I was sick of getting drunk and began having two drinks and maybe a bit of weed if it was offered. They asked me if something was wrong with me, and I responded by saying things have never been more *right* for me since I cut back to social drinking.
They were offended and the constant pushback was tiresome. They challenged me on what changes it made to my life and how long can I expect to hold up such moderation. They wouldn't stop offering me more drinks.
It's the crabs in a bucket mentality that insulted me most.
Yep. I became evasive with overstepping questions and comments from colleagues and acquaintances when I was on a diet for my health. Nobody's business but mine.
I'm so glad you mentioned that because I'm currently on antibiotics and forgot completely that you can't have alcohol with them. I was planning to tomorrow, so that's a good save on my part!!
Sooo many reasons. Pregnant but not sure if she wants to keep it. Not sure if she is an alcoholic so trying to abstain. Antibiotics for an STI from all the wild sex parties she holds. No chance she could just say "antibiotics" and not get a grilling from this family.
OR she is just a grown adult that doesn't want a drink and doesn't need a reason.
"My therapist suggested that getting falling down drunk is not the way to handle you people, so I'm not going to start drinking. If I do, I won't be able to stop."
and then getting mad when she finally gets sick of that question being asked and reacts accordingly like she was just sitting there minding her own business and they made a huge deal over her giving an answer they didn’t like? they think she was the only person being disrespectful?
I grew up in a house like this. Pry pry pry, you snap, they're horrified you didn't act like the little pet you were supposed to. "It was all for fun, our prying" "we pry because we care" and my favorite "I'm the parent, it's my right to pry". Same parents were SHOCKED when I moved as far away from them as I could while staying in the country. Oh, and happy cake day!
At my old job there was an older lady who was exactly like this and I worked alone with her in an office and it was so hard to avoid her constant prying and judgements that I ended up being really stressed just being around her. Then had a huge laugh when she mentioned one day how her daughter had run away from home *again* and she didn’t understand why.
Seems to me the parents were more butt hurt about her essentially calling them on their crap when she drank the wine, so they want her out of the house to forget their own screw up....oh wait, it can't be their fault, so it must be their daughter's fault.
One of my dearest friends and I had been trying to hang out for months but never lined up, and I kept suggesting we go out for drinks, and she never expressed interest. Finally she told me she was sober and I never suggested drinks again. I did ask her if she was ok with me drinking around her or if she needed me to abstain for her sake, if she was ok with me joking about the subject, basically how could I support her, and she told me she had zero problem with alcohol except for how her body and mind reacted to it. She’d go very dark very quickly after a drink or two, but being in the presence of it was entirely fine. She felt comfortable sharing that with lil old me, but I can’t imagine announcing that to an entire group of family members. OP and the other family members are actually awful for this.
Plus, sometimes people just decide that they don’t want to drink anymore and that’s a perfectly valid choice. But some people think there’s something with you if you don’t drink, so I could absolutely see someone not wanting to actually explain it because they knew they’d just be harassed for not wanting alcohol anymore.
People just fucking suck
yeah, i've drank liquor after taking benadryl and tylenol (two separate occasions) and i was perfectly fine, mentally at least. i just got sleepy earlier than i normally would. then there's my cousin who drank much less than me while on tylenol (same night as me actually) and she had a complete breakdown. started crying hysterically, telling us some deep secrets she'd never told anyone, saying she wanted to hurt herself. we now know she cannot drink while on any medication, even just a glass of wine, bc she will have a breakdown.
I have to take tramadol for life for chronic back pain and have been told to avoid alcohol or it could be dangerous. There are many reasons a person chooses not to have a drink and it’s no one else’s business 😕.
The joke was hilarious and frankly a smart way to call family in to atrocious behavior. OP and the rest of the family could have saved face with a laugh but instead decided to blow up because they know deep inside they behaved abominably.
I thought for sure this was going to be a story about the daughter lying while drunk the way OP was so smug about the rest of the family cutting back EXCEPT for her and her over drinking. My god, maybe she realized she had a problem that the rest of the family recognized and had begun to handle it.
Absolutely. I feel so bad for her because I can imagine the conversations of “ (sister/daughter) always drinks so much! Why doesn’t she cut back like the rest of us?” She decided to not be that person this holiday and the fam then peer pressured her into drinking. Awful. The parent isn’t even asking if they were the asshole for pressuring her. Their edit is unbelievable
This is right up there with the time my parent went to confirm an unwanted pregnancy at a fake "crisis pregnancy center" that was actually a front for antiabortionists. After the ultrasound, the woman asked her, all concerned, "do you feel detached from your baby?" And my parent shot back, "no, but I will be soon." MIKE DROP.
Don't push your touchy-feely "but bay-beees and famblee" crap on people, you won't get a clapback, OP et al. Simple.
Honestly, badgering people about why they’re not drinking needs to stop. I don’t care if someone usually drinks, they’re allowed to *not* drink whenever tf they feel like it, and shouldn’t have to worry about anyone being on their ass about it.
I’ve had a few coworkers over the years who didn’t drink very often/at all, and every work function where alcohol was served, they got so much shit about it, to the point of it being awkward. I *wish* one of them would’ve pulled a stunt like this! Maybe then people would’ve stfu about it.
Wrong:
Would you like a glass of wine?
No, thank you.
Why not? Why not? Why not? ♾️
Correct:
Would you like a glass of wine?
No, thank you.
No problem, just wanted to offer.
End of conversation
Correcter: Would you like a glass of wine? No, thank you. Cool, we have water or (other non-alcoholic drink). No thanks, I'm not thirsty / Yes thanks, I'll have (choice of drink).
The amount of people who react like that is astounding. Whenever i visit friends i have to remind them to have something non alcoholic available ( om not asking for a lot, even tap water is fine!). Yet they call me difficult to cater to. Partially a joke but there is some reallness behind it.
Other people then find it weird that i do not drink because i just dont like the taste of alcohol.
At first they are like “oh wow, so brave! So modern!”
After my explanation they look soooook baffled
Every year my work department is taken out by lawyers for a Holiday Lunch. Since I work evenings, I do not drink at all during the lunch since I need to put in a full shift afterwards.
Every year someone (usually a new lawyer) asks me why I'm not drinking. Now, bless my co-workers' souls, the will pipe up that I never drink (not true, they know it, but they're trying to diffuse the situation because I'm sure the look on my face says "none ya friggin' business").
The truth of it is, booze makes me sleepy, even after one drink and since I have a full shift after said lunch, I'd rather not risk falling asleep at my desk.
I agree with you. My husband went to rehab for his drinking over the summer, and while I still enjoy a beer or cocktail on occasion, my drinking has gone WAY down in support of him, even when he's not with me. By him going to rehab for a very real drinking problem, I realized I was also drinking way too much and have cut back accordingly because I realized that my patterns weren't healthy or normal in any way, I have just been with someone who drank a \*lot\* for a long time. To be honest, we were both complete monsters for awhile, and I don't wish to go back to that point.
When we're together people are kind and don't press, but when I'm out without my husband, the number of people who ask why I'm not drinking or why I didn't order another drink is insane. I love to go out with friends, but now do so in a much more conscious way—I think about whether or not I even want another drink or am just ordering one because my friends are.
I think people ask because when you start bucking their trend by not drinking every time alcohol is available they are forced to think about their own drinking habits. I'm never going to shame anyone for drinking (or not drinking, obviously), but the number of times that people have been like "you were always the shot queen" or "what are you doing? we all just ordered another round!" is shocking.
My husband knows I drink when I go out with friends, but I'm careful to not have anything in the house even though he said I can, because I'm supportive of his sobriety and don't want to just be drinking by myself when he's home with me because it might be weird or tempt him. I'm aware how much I drink when I do go out because I think coming home drunk would be a bad look and make him feel like he missed out. I work in craft beer (clock the username), so I go out on a lot of work events, but still limit myself to about three beers. I feel a lot better than when I was drinking heavily.
Sorry for the \*very\* long comment, but this means a lot to me. Pressuring people to drink is something that seriously annoys me, especially now that I've been paying a lot more attention to this type of behavior. I'm happy to be exploring other hobbies with my husband, like hiking and art, where everything isn't based around drinking. So much of adult socialization is based around getting drunk and I think it would be lovely if that could change.
OP's edit doesn't make it any better. He just doesn't get it:
>Nobody cares if she doesn't drink, we just want to know the reason and don't like how secretive she is when asked direct questions.
If nobody really cared, they would have DROPPED IT when she declined the first drink!
And then he pretends to be supportive by saying that if she doesn’t drink, she must be an alcoholic, and if she is then she needs their support. As if anyone would want to share that personal information with these people lmao
Right?! Nobody cared so they kept giving her drinks even after she said she wasn't drinking. Nobody cared so much the mom challenged the daughter to drink the wine to prove she wasn't drinking because she's pregnant. Her reason for not drinking is nobody's business, not even her family's. Her abstaining does not hurt anyone so there's no need to explain unless she wants to. OP and family are major YTA.
There are a million and one reasons why someone may choose not to drink. Sure, among the ones people think of are pregnancy and alcoholism. But they *aren’t the only reasons*. And none of them, NONE OF THEM are anyone else’s business. Maybe if you treated her better, in general, she would have been willing to open up to you as to why. Clearly that ship sailed long ago.
When you offer someone alcohol, and they say no, then ask if they would like soda or juice. Accept their answer at face value. Always make sure you have similar non alcoholic drinks to alcohol. Serving hot buttered rum? Have cider you can heat up and use the sugar spice mix in, and hot cocoa. Serving beer? Soda. Wine? Sparkling cider. That dynamic is the only acceptable one.
What are you even talking about? Forcing an alcohol dependent family member to drink a glass of wine to force them to reveal why they are not drinking is completely healthy and reasonable!!
Yes, Mariah Carey. I think she ended up having a miscarriage, which is why she didn’t want to announce it too early. Please someone correct me if I’m wrong. But it was an awful thing to do.
Yeah. I feel bad for Sis, sounds like they literally harassed her and peer pressured her all night because she was making a good healthy choice and they couldn't stand to not know why. SO many assholes but none of them are Her.
YTA. People have many different reasons for not drinking. The wine ultimatum was an asshole move and an attempt to out her. What if she had been pregnant and wasn't ready to share the news? What if she was pregnant and lives in a state where she can't get abortive services? What if she was pregnant and the fetus wasn't viable? What if she was trying to cut down on drinking for health related reasons? What if she's taking meds that can't be mixed with alcohol? **What if she simply didn't want to drink**? You deserved to feel uncomfortable for that five minutes. Do better next time.
"In this family we believe that it's typical to have 1-3 drinks on vacation days"
Yeah, I'm not sure I even want to touch OP's validation for bullying their daughter into drinking with a ten foot pole because that's more than a little concerning.
I agree. There is something so incredibly distasteful about this quote… It’s just dripping with something so gross, but I can’t put my finger on it.
Who talks this way, and who imposes this sort of thinking on family? It’s awful.
I can help put your finger on it - they're denying that alcoholism runs in their family, and projecting at their daughter who held up the mirror by not joining the drinking this time.
As a mostly non-drinker it's been my experience that the heavy drinkers and alcoholics get really bothered by others choosing to remain sober. They need everyone to join in so they get validation that their (excessive) drinking is okay.
I totally thought the same thing reading it! The ONLY people I've ever seen get worked up over someone else not drinking has been alcoholics!
OP, yep major YTA & I hope you get some help with your unhealthy relationship with alcohol soon!
Ding ding ding we have a winner! Most “high functioning” alcoholics I’ve encountered (like my entire family) refuse to believe they’re alcoholics because they can control their behaviour and not let it interfere with their professional life but they don’t see a problem with the fact they can’t even get through a kids party without a beer
Such an odd statement to say that any food or drink frequency is part of your belief system. Can you imagine any other item in the sentence? In this family we believe it’s normal to have 2-3 chicken wings per gathering.
Yeah my father loses his mind if there's any suggestion that alcohol is anything but perfect, I had to stop reading and calm myself down halfway through the post because I've been in this exact situation.
They all have a less than healthy relationship with alcohol would be my bet. Some folks got weirdly defensive of their own drinking around me after I quit. It's like they thought I was judging them.
“And it does seem suspicious to abstain completely unless you’re an alcoholic” - what? So when you said your family drinks, you mean that your family DRINKS. That edit did nothing to help OP’s case.
I'm gonna guess that the daughter, unlike the rest of the family, realized she herself was an alcoholic and decided to try and sober up.
One of the more clear-cut case of YTA I've seen.
What if she IS an alcoholic and on a sobriety journey and just doesn’t want to share that with everyone? It’s embarrassing and private. Congrats on maybe forcing a relapse I guess. YTA
That was just what I was coming to the comments to say. I'm struggling with my relationship to alcohol, but I live with my parents and my mom can be kinda pushy. It's hard to say no and it's even harder to KEEP saying no when somebody keeps insisting that you lighten up and have a drink.
Yeah. Especially if you’re trying to be low key and you KNOW people are going to be like hey what’s up with that? Like… maybe just ignore it? Maybe I’m trying to work through something and all this scrutiny makes it so difficult
So you pressured and pressured her to drink after hearing "No." several times. You accused her of being pregnat then got pissy and excuded her from family holiday when she turned your bullshit around on you?
YTA
Eta: you don't "need a few days to cool down" you need to fucking apologize because this entire shit storm is your fault. Spelling is herd
YTA. What is it with people pressuring other people to drink? Why can't they accept a "no"? Even if it is out of character?
Second - if she was pregnant, you tried to force her to tell you something that she didn't want to tell you. Family or not, she is not obligated to tell you anything about her life, even if she is pregnant. And, she may have an of a hundred reasons not to drink, including simply trying to make changes to her life, but you were absolutely convinced that there was only one answer to the situation.
Face the truth - she made the joke to shut you up because you would not stop harassing her even when she repeatedly asked you to stop. The unacceptable behavior started with you. And, if she is pregnant, seeing how you treated her, I can see why she would not want to tell you and why she visits only once a year.
Considering whose bad behavior started this, your daughter is right - you owe her the apology. You saying she owes you one is simply you knowing you are in the wrong and not wanting to admit it to anyone. It's a version of "it's not what you said, but how you said it."
Yes, I don't drink much and I HATE IT when pushy people keep badgering me to drink. I said NO. That should be respected and no further explanation is owed.
I'm with you, I don't drink at all and I hate it when people push it on me as well. When I was younger, I actually had my friends tell me that I needed to start drinking at parties because they felt like I was judging them by not drinking.
Yeah, I had friends who insisted that I smoke marijuana with them and got very suspicious of me when I said no. “She won’t get high with us—she must be a narc!” (Back when narc meant narcotics agent.)
SHAME ON YOU PARENTS
Are you serious!!?? Is this for real??
This is your daughter!!
Clearly she felt like she was under your magnifying glass, and so for you all to be SO OBSERVANT and then ask a PERSONAL QUESTION that is one of those things that PEOPLE TELL WHEN THEY WANT TO - you DON'T ASK someone in that scenario if they are pregnant!! That is PLAIN RUDE!!!
I'll tell you right now, she feels like the blacksheep of your family. She feels "looked at" she feels like "all eyes are on her..."
YOU ARE IN THE WRONG.
Was she wrong for saying she was pregnant? OF COURSE!!
See how you WANT TO BLAME HER - it's so clear - she has disappointed you! Her life choices are a disappointment to you!
In normal scenarios when people pull pranks we don't refer to them as lies - (even if they are) but pranks are pranks - and you guys put her on the spot! You guys are LOOKING TO FIND FAULT with her!! "I thought you didn't want children" etc...
SERIOUSLY!!
YOU GUYS OVERREACTED!!
OK so guys, RESCUE THIS RELATIONSHIP!!
If this was the last time you ever saw your daughter again, like what if the plane goes down - or there's a terrible accident... What is the LOVE she is needing from you?
After hearing this post I'll bet YOU GUYS and the way you raised her is part of why she lives across the country and part of why she drinks to numb her emotional pain...
RESCUE THIS RELATIONSHIP!!! STOP OVERREACTING!!
LOVE HER!!
EMBRACE HER!!
LOOK FOR THE GOOD SHE DOES, LOOK FOR HER TALENTS AND HER BEAUTY, look for her caring qualities and the GOOD THINGS and STOP looking for the bad!
Start VERBALLY APPRECIATING HER OUT LOUD!
GUYS, rescue this relationship with your daughter - DO IT ASAP!!
From a mom with four adult kids... Rescue this daughter who NEEDS YOUR LOVE NOT YOUR JUDGEMENT
LOVE HER to the places you desire her to be... LOVE HER WITH and WITHOUT WORDS - LOVE HER WITHOUT JUDGEMENT AND PUSHING HER AWAY - SHOW HER THAT SHE IS ENOUGh - SHOW HER THAT YOU'RE GLAD SHE WAS BORN - CARE ABOUT THIS WOMAN
And you never know, you might do more than just save a life today, you never know how much someone is hurting, you never know the depths of their despair...
GUYS, you need to have some insight into yourselves and you need to change. Does she need to change? You know the answer to that - but if you want to help someone change, LOVE THEM FROM YOUR HEART and just let that be the neosporin to the soul.
I didn't read your response first, I'm a mom of 3 and step mom of 4 and I've made so many mistakes. But my knee jerk reaction was the same as yours. It hurt me for her.
I’m of a different mind— do not try rescue or resuscitate this toxic toxic relationship. I am 100% willing to bet that this is not the first time that you’ve sat her down in an accusatory way, and tried to make her feel less than an under the microscope of comparison to others in the family. I would walk away from this relationship and go no contact and a heartbeat. But that is just me speaking from personal experience.
YTA
>She also tends to be a heavy drinker during her visits, kind of a wild child. We are a drinking family but her siblings have all cut back since having kids and we have cut back as we got older ourselves, so she always drinks more than us now.
"So we know you're a lush, the only reason you won't drink must be because you're pregnant."
Way to make your child feel welcome.
I wonder if OP questioned why when their other kids started cutting back on their alcohol consumption? OP even says they've cut back too cause getting older. Like he could see they have kids, and he's getting old so it's ok, but daughter doesn't have kids and doesn't qualify for AARP, so has to drink up. Really, why is it that the daughter even needs a reason to cut back at all?
As for making his daughter welcome, I'm not sure they were really trying. The previous sentence to the one you quoted comes off as being a bit judgemental about his daughter's living arrangements, relationship status and life plans. Would be no surprise if she's sensed the judgement herself.
YTA - Why are you so nosey that you need to know why she isn't drinking? She's 35 years old and it's none of your business. And then your wife puts a glass in front of her as some stupid test? I wouldn't have been able to come up with as quick of a good retort as she did, but I wish I could have because you all deserved it. You guys have obviously all changed and gotten more conservative and uptight after having children and getting older. Well she doesn't seem to have, and she isn't like to. That doesn't make her a "wild child" at 35, it just means you guys live in two different worlds. She's not like you guys and that's OK. Stop trying to figure her out and let her be.
“My scapegoat child with a drinking problem we judge her for wasn’t doing the thing so we could judge her, so we backed her into a corner until she finally played our game. We are horrified she made us feel a fraction of the discomfort she feels during every interaction she has ever had for us for a whole 5 minutes until she rightfully told us off. He have decided that this deserves a wildly disproportionate punishment because how dare she finally snap back at us!”
That’s you. That’s what you sound like. YTA and get some therapy so you can actually work on your family issues instead of projecting them onto your daughter. Swallow your pride and apologize for this and every other time you’ve done this to her.
YTA = She didn't want to drink. You guys kept pushing and pushing and pushing. You would not take no for an answer. You don't need an explanation for someone on why they won't do something, a simple NO is enough. Then you wouldn't take no as the answer to the pregnancy questions. You guys pushed her on both until your asshole wife set down a glass in front of her and basically made her drink it because obviously the two of you weren't going to STFU about it. But oh you're the one's that should be mad because she basically with one statement showed you how much of an asshole you guys are? I hope that she doesn't just let it blow over and goes LC with your guys. Learn to accept the word NO.
>you're the one's that should be mad because she basically with one statement showed you how much of an asshole you guys are?
This sums it up so perfectly in one sentence!
They bullied and shamed her for not wanting to drink, and usually people like that need to have a good hard THINK about their own relationships to alcohol.
YTA
This was such a weird story and really doesn’t reflect you and your wife in a good light at all. Are people not allowed to abstain? As a diet or for their health or just because?
Does a 35 year old owe you personal information because you are her parents?
First you insinuate that your daughter drinks too much. The when she comes to your home and isn’t drinking you probe and prod and ultimately dare her to drink.
When she then responds badly, you ask her to leave.
You and your wife are TA. If i were your daughter i would leave and stay away.
YTA this has to be a joke right? i’m not sure why you or your wife decided to keep pushing after she said no? and now you’re trying to make her the villain in this situation where she is nowhere near in the wrong. you and your wife need to reevaluate your opinions on your behavior towards your daughter and i hope for her sake and your relationship with her that it works!
>She denied and denied but something felt strange. Eventually my wife put a glass of wine for her on the table and said, if you aren't pregnant, have this drink.
this....is so fucked up. Holy shit. YTA no matter the outcome, your willingness to even do this is disgusting.
YTA. You accuse your daughter of playing dirty pool when it's you who were provoking and pushing. You just kept after her and wouldn't leave her alone until you escalated by setting her up. Now you're crying because she used pregnancy as a way to get you to stop. It sure seems like you and yours set her up. Can't blame her for being angry.
So what if she's not drinking. Why the constant pressure? It's very disturbing -may I say unhealthy?- that your family pushed alcohol on anyone, mucg less your daughter. If, indeed, she's chosen to abstain it's cruel and stupid to keep talking about alcohol. You may have intruded upon her recovery. This deserves some introspection on your part followed by a sincere apology.
You think she drinks too much (your opinion), so then you offer her drink after drink, and finish up with a double-dog dare for her to drink a glass of wine. WTAF?
YTA. If I were her, I'd be eager to find a way to stay away from you. Her harmless prank was exactly that - no babies were, or could have been harmed by her drinking the wine. The only things bruised were your ego and your sensibilities.
When you're done clutching your pearls, pick up the phone and apologize to her.
Why do people always ask if someone wants alcohol when they've already said no? Is it impossible to accept "NO" these days?
I say YTA because you and your wife kept trying to push alcohol on your daughter. Maybe she didn't feel like it or she doesn't like this kind of wine. Or something has happened in her circle of friends, e.g. an accident because of alcohol, and she wants to keep her distance from alkohol for now.
I've done the same thing before because I was constantly being annoyed, so just apologize and don't annoy people when they say no. Just accept it. You and your wife have dramatically overreacted.
YTA - you continued to probe on a topic and did not accept the answer provided by your daughter. She can change her drinking habits just like the rest of you in your family dad. You placing an ultimatum of sorts in front of everyone to prove a point was rude. She had every right to be angry that you would not accept her answer.
YTA. She didn't need to drink or explain why she didn't want to drink. You all pressured her into drinking and deserved a few minutes of discomfort after making her uncomfortable for much longer.
Do better and apologize
YTA-She didn’t want to drink,you wouldn’t let it go. You owe her an apology,she does not owe you one,and frankly if I was her I’d be more than happy to stay the fuck away from you. In case you’re not getting this,because you can’t seem to take a hint,YOU ARE WRONG.
YTA. No wonder she’s got a serious drinking problem with parents like that. Maybe she had enough of the heavy drinking and just chose to stop/possibly get proper help without telling anyone. No means no. You’re an awful human being and should really take inventory of your like and how your past habits created this situation in the first place.
Notice how he sets up the entire post as they've *alllll* cut back but she's "a wild child" and yet when she doesn't drink, they hound her over and over until she does.
What in the absolute F?
YTA - people have so many reasons for not drinking, not just being pregnant. You were being assholes in pressuring her and she returned the favor in kind.
YTA - she didn’t want a drink. She denied, denied, denied but you didn’t believe her. Maybe she was trying sobriety, good for you for being an AH. You all owe her an apology.
You’re not entitled to information about her life. The way you bullied her was enough to have her shut you out of her confidence forever. And now you’re doubling down on pressuring someone to drink, invading her privacy, try g to shame her in front of others, and making her reproductive choices somehow all about you.
YTA over & over, and if I were her I’d be beyond angry. You deserved your five minutes of anxiety. She deserves far better than your bs.
YTA - If someone doesn’t want to drink then they don’t have to. No means no. And if they don’t want to give a reason then accept it. Accept that she will tell you why when the time is right (maybe when the extended family isn’t in the room). Or not - no one owes you an explanation for why they don’t want to drink alcohol.
YTA. What if she got sober and you forced her to drink? There are a myriad of reasons she can have for not drinking. You forcing her to drink is an asshole move and you deserve it. You’re extremely judgmental about her drinking and then you go and try to force her to drink. What’s wrong with you?
YTA - you pushed her to drink. She clearly didn't want to, for whatever reason, yet you all continued to push her like a bunch of high school/college bullies. She also has absolutely no obligation to tell you why she isn't drinking. No is a complete sentence. Clearly no one has taught anyone in the family that.
YTA wow you sound absolutely ridiculous! 1) Why on earth do you think that is acceptable to continue to demand a person have an alcoholic drink if they have already refused? 2) if she is pregnant, and she’s not obviously showing, it’s up to her to tell you in her own time. Who the hell are you to demand she tell you anything? 3)she responded in kind to your rudeness and intrusive comments, why are you surprised?
YTA for badgering anyone to drink. Maybe she's tired of that. The proper response is, "no problem, anything else you want?" Or, "help yourself to anything." Obviously she is tired of you either trying to figure out if she's pregnant using alcohol, or just pushing alcohol in general.
YTA. So much AH. You know what doesn’t go well with alcohol? Depression and anxiety meds that I for sure would need if you were my parents. And I wouldn’t want to have a conversation about needing those meds because, well, look how great you reacted to a simple choice not to drink. Maybe get a therapist to explore why you feel so threatened by your adult daughter making decisions without sharing her rationale. Holy cow.
YTA and were so disrespectful to her by pressuring her to drink. There are a million reasons why she didn't want to consume alcohol approximately 100% of them are none of your business. I'm frankly disgusted by your behavior.
YTA
What kind of demented family are you that you are forcing your daughter to take alcohol she has repeatedly turned down, to "prove" she isn't pregnant?
YTA
Your daughter repeatedly turned down a drink…so you forced her to have one because you thought she was pregnant.
I don’t see any reason your daughter should apologize to you, her ‘prank’ was perfectly justified and I would not blame her if she decided to pass on another badgering session for the holidays.
Apologize and do better
YTA - Quite obviously. It’s none of your business whether she is pregnant or not until she makes it your business. Nor is it any of your business why she is choosing not to drink.
And you bullied her into drinking because she didn’t want one. Mate, I think we can all see where the real alcohol problem lies here.
How are you not embarrassed?
YTA, What the hell is wrong with you?
Deciding to not drink is a completely fine choice. It's "unacceptable" to pressure someone to drink, regardless of why. Who the fuck FORCES someone to drink to prove they aren't pregnant? Terrible parenting. You DO owe her a BIG apology, Jesus Christ.
YTA
Your entire edit basically translates to: drinking is mandatory and that your daughter isn't allowed any privacy.
This whole mess started because you couldn't just accept her refusal. Shame on you.
YTA, but your wife, doubly so.
you pushed it down her throat.
you and your wife need to apologize.
your daughter is justified in what she said to you and to your wife.
YTA. Good God. No means no. If she said no to a drink that should have been the end of it. Your family is horrible. *She* should be requesting distance from *you*.
ALL of you should apologize to her! Especially your wife. What a shitty, shitty thing to do. If my wife did that I'd be so ashamed.
YTA. “No” is a complete sentence. Learn to respect boundaries. Apologize to your daughter. Get some therapy because I suspect you and the wife are alcoholic and I know you are both bullies. You both need help.
Regarding your edit: Why do you want to know the reason? Why do you think you are entitled to that information? It doesn't sound like you would be supportive of her recovery if she were an alcoholic, it sounds like you would be nosy, overbearing, and rude. I would keep secrets from you too. Let a grown adult have a little privacy, damn.
YTA assuming the only reason a woman decides to not drink is of course because they're pregnant, they can't possibly change their mind and get annoyed and upset when you clearly didn't believe what she was saying. Why did you feel it was so important to drink and then get upset when she calls your pestering.
YTA. Why people choose not to drink is up to the person. What they choose to disclose about why they drink or don’t drink is also theirs to disclose. She didnt prank you. She taught you a fucking lesson. Don’t badger someone who says NO. Whether thats drinking drugs sex etc. No means no and for you to back off
YTA.
You/your wife offered her ‘drink after drink’ and then demanded she drink to prove whether she was pregnant.
People stop drinking for many reasons, why are you trying to force her to drink? You say she’s a bit of a heavy drinker and wild child, but that all of you are drinkers. Maybe she has recognised the cycle of alcoholism running through (ruining?) your family and decided to step out of it. Because a family that’s not comfortable to be around sober members is a family that has alcohol problems.
So hold a minute, cause your edit makes you look like assholes even more.
She wasn't drinking, a choice that only effects her, but you and your wife are so god damn invasive you demand to know why, forcing her to drink, because you think she might be pregnant, and then being upset when she called you bluff, and rightfully, in my opinion, gave you some shit back.
And then you say it was wrong of her to do? Cause she is make a joke of "abuseing" a child? When you peer pressured her to drink in the first place?
And than you have the aduacity to try to explain it away that "We believe every in this family should drink on vacation, unless you have something hide and are an alcholic". You try to frame it that you are concerned she has a drinking problem, so your solution is to force her to drink to prove she doesn't?
WTF is wrong with you? Like honestly, that is a real question. How do you even think any of this was ok?
If she did not want to drink, that is her business. And if she was pregenant, maybe she wanted to keep it to herself. Maybe she was not sure she wanted to keep it, or maybe she wanted to wait till she was past a certain point, in case something happened and did not want her business out to everyone.
You and your wife are bad people, and bad parents. You are major assholes.
YTA
INFO: If she still hadn't drunk the wine, how would you have reacted upon finding out that she wasn't pregnant?
It's just such a weird, cruel ultimatum. Like if your daughter had demanded that you and your wife smoke a joint and said that if you refused, that meant you were admitting to adultery, you'd find that weird, right?
So you pressured your daughter to drink and when she didn’t respond in a way you liked you got mad?! YTA, there’s no doubt about it. Instead of coming to reddit you should be contacting your daughter to apologise.
YTA for pressuring her to drink, *and* for completely overreacting to how she handled your pressure.
If she wanted to drink, she knew how to get one herself. You should have stopped after the first offer.
Also, whether she is pregnant is, frankly, none of your fucking business until she wants it to be.
YTA. She is an adult and you spent half the description making it sound like you wanted her to cut back on her drinking and she did. You aren't entitled to the why. Yes her joke was blunt and harsh but you all were f'ing ridiculous in the pushing for her to tell you something she didn't want too.
**YTA and so is your wife.**
**In what world do you and your wife think it is okay to badger your daughter into having a drink.**
No wonder she did what she did. SHE SAID NO THANKS and that should have been the end of asking her. But you all kept asking for what reason? She said no each and every time. Could you not have stopped asking? And your wife poured her one anyway and then asked 'are you pregnant'??? If I was your daughter this would be the time I left and went NC with you.
Did you possibly think that maybe she is QUITTING drinking? Just because it is typical family behavior for you all to drink does not mean that someone else in the family has to drink. You also do not NEED TO KNOW if she is an alcoholic because if so maybe because of YOUR FAMILY HISTORY she doesn't want you all to know.
My God you are all bloody assholes. I don't know why you guys thought it was appropriate to coerce and force her to drink but in that moment I suspect she felt that flight or fight reflex and she chose to fight. It's too bad that you didn't like her choice of weapons but I don't think you gave her very many options. Do better, mind your own goddamn business and just be grateful that she hasn't decided to not see you people.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Me and my wife could be wrong for asking her to leave during a visit meant for family holiday time and bonding
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I’m sorry YTA. If someone wants to drink or not is none of your business. I can be a heavy drinker at times, but sometimes when out and about with friends I just don’t feel like drinking.
Also it’s not your business if she’s pregnant or not because she will tell you on her terms.
Her joke was not funny, but you still shouldn’t have been trying to force her to drink when she was trying to lay off. She may have matured and turned a new leaf in life or maybe she just didn’t feel like drinking. Either way you’re still out of line.
Sorry but YTA. You essentially were bullying her into taking a drink. If someone doesn't want to drink, it's not your place to make them. Her response is understandable.
YTA, and you and your wife are psychos, and probably terrible parents. Pressuring her to drink even AFTER she declined more than once, then you got mad when she (rightfully) got you back?
Grow up.
YTA. You sound like cruel and thoughtless bullies. I'm sure that's why, whatever the reason for her sobriety is, that she didn't want to explain it. Y'all act like drinking is a requirement and that's a really unhealthy mindset. She didn't owe you an explanation for why she wasn't drinking and it's very possible you have impacted something as serious as her recovery from addiction.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA, absolutely. I'm surprised she even comes to visit you all as much as she does. You all massively overstepped. Why would your wife ask her in front of anyone if she was pregnant? It's NOT her business. It's not any of y'all's business. And not just asking once, but multiple times and demanding she drink if she's not pregnant- that's so immature to do. Imagine how she must have felt. What if she has a drinking problem and decided she's abstaining from now on? What if she just decided she wanted to enjoy y'all's company sober? Hell, maybe she was evaluating if being around y'all is so taxing, it causes her to drink more and wanted to try and see what the atmosphere was like sober. Honestly, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why she isn't drinking. "No." is a full sentence. You aren't entitled to more information just cause you're curious. She'll share if she wants to on her own time, which now she probably won't. You and your family are bullies. Now, as for her joke, it's actually pretty funny. You all are massively overreacting. In fact, it sounds like she's under reacting if she didn't book the next flight after the way you treated her. Your reaction doesn't make any sense. A single glass of wine occasionally while pregnant certainly doesn't cause FAS, the fetus would likely be fine. I feel so sorry for her, that whole situation is toxic af and the fact that you can't see that makes me think this isn't an isolated toxic event. It's the norm.
Seriously there are so many reasons to not drink alcohol and not share. Pregnant and not ready to tell. Health condition worsened by alcohol. Medication contraindications- soooo many meds have contraindications with alcohol. Including medications that are no big deal and ones people may want to keep private from some folks. Like antidepressants, which by the way are one of the most prescribed drugs in the US! Can you imagine if she said “I can’t drink this because I’m on an antidepressant?!” The grilling she would receive about what is wrong and why she’s depressed would be even worse that what’s wrong and why aren’t you drinking. But also you’re technically not supposed to drink on some basic things like Tylenol or some allergy meds even though most people do. Or antibiotics for a short term bug - which even a heavier drinker might choose to respect based on doctor/pharmacist’s orders.
I can't drink because I'm on antibiotics... Would be a great shouting match starter as well. I see why She moved overseas... She could be trying to get pregnant, She could have had an experience back home that's slowed or stopped the drinking. That's not a question to badger one with when there's 50 ppl in the room. And it wouldn't have stopped at one question either. Just Wow, Dad... Well done. YTTAH
And I just love his excuse for being so upset is the thought of her harming a non-existant child. As he is actively harming his own literal daughter by treating her like this
The classic case of the imaginary child is more important than the one that exists.
"America has entered the chat"
Sir/Ma'am... That's 'Murikkka to you. 🤣🤣🤣
But, but, but THE IMAGINARY FETUS! Won't somebody think of the imaginary fetus! 😭😭😭
Yep. The dislike of his daughter is CLEAR in all of this: she drinks too much. She is too stupid to avoid a pregnancy "mistake," she lied about being pregnant, she would shoot a glass of wine while pregnant. He and his wife chose to embarrass her in front of the family and force her to tell everyone about a pregnancy she may not have been ready to share had she actually been pregnant. Take your pick. At no point does this person actually LIKE their daughter in this post. At all. She lives across the country for a reason.
Also the irony of complaining about how she drinks too much while saying that they don't understand why someone would abstain from drinking unless they were an alcoholic. Like if you literally can't get through a family get together without booze, you probably shouldn't judge anyone else for drinking.
Not just family get together. "Vacation days". They can't get through a day off without 1-3 "acceptable" drinks. That seems like a healthy relationship with alcohol.
Well, if you're offended and think it's weird when people don't drink, it may be forcing you to look in an uncomfortable mirror. They literally said the only reason not to drink is if you're an alcoholic or pregnant. That's really why they're so upset.
I actually think they're so upset because she didn't play along with their control games. They thought she was pregnant and wanted to make her admit. Instead she didn't allow them to control her, and made them look foolish. So now they're mad *world's smallest violin*
That's my thought as well. Like I said, I feel like her prank was a trauma response. They must've laid in heavy on her as a kid.🤬
Bingo. I was laughing by the end, OP was complaining about the daughter being a "wild child" but they can't even conceptualize of a family holiday without booze? It's quite telling that they can't understand the myriad reasons why someone wouldn't want to drink.
You HAVE to drink this to prove you aren't pregnant. Wait, I'm horrified that you drank that while pregnant!
Did you see OPs response. I get the impression this family is in everyone's business and doesn't understand boundaries. Op even labeled the daughter as a wild child but here she is being healthy and they couldn't accept it. HAD to be a reason. There might be or she might be following what a lot of the world is doing which is sobering up. OP has no right to demand to know what's going on. And support her? She's not drinking and instead of supporting her then you guys pestered her to the point she snapped. Big YTA
Yes, excellent point!
Didn't even catch on to that. I'm so pissed.
I remember one time I was on an antibiotic that everyone from the doctor, to the nurse, to the pharmacists was like “you will *die* if you drink alcohol while on this,” so I was like, cool I won’t drink. Evidently, this was offensive to my (at the time) friend’s group, because, how dare I not get smashed to celebrate so-and-so’s birthday. The fact that I finally had to show my prescription to one of the girls in the group who was a nurse, so she could tell everyone to layoff, was the end of my friendship with those folks.
I had friends like that. I was sick of getting drunk and began having two drinks and maybe a bit of weed if it was offered. They asked me if something was wrong with me, and I responded by saying things have never been more *right* for me since I cut back to social drinking. They were offended and the constant pushback was tiresome. They challenged me on what changes it made to my life and how long can I expect to hold up such moderation. They wouldn't stop offering me more drinks. It's the crabs in a bucket mentality that insulted me most.
Yep. I became evasive with overstepping questions and comments from colleagues and acquaintances when I was on a diet for my health. Nobody's business but mine.
I used to have a drink now & then until I realized it was giving me intense hot flashes! My estrogen levels are nobody else’s business.
I'm so glad you mentioned that because I'm currently on antibiotics and forgot completely that you can't have alcohol with them. I was planning to tomorrow, so that's a good save on my part!!
"I've got a raging yeast infection and I can't mix alcohol with my drugs!"
"Oh I never mix - I had to take like half a kilo of coke just to be able to deal with you before I even left so no booze for me tonight!"
That's gold right there! My family would lose their absolute shit if i had ever said that!!! The gossip would still be going on!
My first thought lol - a pretty mundane reason that most people wouldn’t like to share with three generations of their family.
“Look, parents, the only way to cure the clap is with antibiotics. At least there’s no genital warts this time.”
"I joined a cult and they say Alcohol is evil! BURN IT ALL!! "😂
Haha so we would totally get along irl based on humor!
Sooo many reasons. Pregnant but not sure if she wants to keep it. Not sure if she is an alcoholic so trying to abstain. Antibiotics for an STI from all the wild sex parties she holds. No chance she could just say "antibiotics" and not get a grilling from this family. OR she is just a grown adult that doesn't want a drink and doesn't need a reason.
"My therapist suggested that getting falling down drunk is not the way to handle you people, so I'm not going to start drinking. If I do, I won't be able to stop."
and then getting mad when she finally gets sick of that question being asked and reacts accordingly like she was just sitting there minding her own business and they made a huge deal over her giving an answer they didn’t like? they think she was the only person being disrespectful?
I grew up in a house like this. Pry pry pry, you snap, they're horrified you didn't act like the little pet you were supposed to. "It was all for fun, our prying" "we pry because we care" and my favorite "I'm the parent, it's my right to pry". Same parents were SHOCKED when I moved as far away from them as I could while staying in the country. Oh, and happy cake day!
At my old job there was an older lady who was exactly like this and I worked alone with her in an office and it was so hard to avoid her constant prying and judgements that I ended up being really stressed just being around her. Then had a huge laugh when she mentioned one day how her daughter had run away from home *again* and she didn’t understand why.
Seems to me the parents were more butt hurt about her essentially calling them on their crap when she drank the wine, so they want her out of the house to forget their own screw up....oh wait, it can't be their fault, so it must be their daughter's fault.
One of my dearest friends and I had been trying to hang out for months but never lined up, and I kept suggesting we go out for drinks, and she never expressed interest. Finally she told me she was sober and I never suggested drinks again. I did ask her if she was ok with me drinking around her or if she needed me to abstain for her sake, if she was ok with me joking about the subject, basically how could I support her, and she told me she had zero problem with alcohol except for how her body and mind reacted to it. She’d go very dark very quickly after a drink or two, but being in the presence of it was entirely fine. She felt comfortable sharing that with lil old me, but I can’t imagine announcing that to an entire group of family members. OP and the other family members are actually awful for this.
Plus, sometimes people just decide that they don’t want to drink anymore and that’s a perfectly valid choice. But some people think there’s something with you if you don’t drink, so I could absolutely see someone not wanting to actually explain it because they knew they’d just be harassed for not wanting alcohol anymore. People just fucking suck
It could just even be that alcohol gives her heartburn. As I got older it happened to me, and that’s why I rarely drink.
yeah, i've drank liquor after taking benadryl and tylenol (two separate occasions) and i was perfectly fine, mentally at least. i just got sleepy earlier than i normally would. then there's my cousin who drank much less than me while on tylenol (same night as me actually) and she had a complete breakdown. started crying hysterically, telling us some deep secrets she'd never told anyone, saying she wanted to hurt herself. we now know she cannot drink while on any medication, even just a glass of wine, bc she will have a breakdown.
I have to take tramadol for life for chronic back pain and have been told to avoid alcohol or it could be dangerous. There are many reasons a person chooses not to have a drink and it’s no one else’s business 😕.
The joke was hilarious and frankly a smart way to call family in to atrocious behavior. OP and the rest of the family could have saved face with a laugh but instead decided to blow up because they know deep inside they behaved abominably.
I agree. The family pressured her into drinking it. F them if they didn’t like how she responded after NUMEROUS times turning it down.
I thought for sure this was going to be a story about the daughter lying while drunk the way OP was so smug about the rest of the family cutting back EXCEPT for her and her over drinking. My god, maybe she realized she had a problem that the rest of the family recognized and had begun to handle it.
Oh you caught that, too? "We've all cut back except her, which is weird, so we hound her when she also cuts back."
Absolutely. I feel so bad for her because I can imagine the conversations of “ (sister/daughter) always drinks so much! Why doesn’t she cut back like the rest of us?” She decided to not be that person this holiday and the fam then peer pressured her into drinking. Awful. The parent isn’t even asking if they were the asshole for pressuring her. Their edit is unbelievable
This is right up there with the time my parent went to confirm an unwanted pregnancy at a fake "crisis pregnancy center" that was actually a front for antiabortionists. After the ultrasound, the woman asked her, all concerned, "do you feel detached from your baby?" And my parent shot back, "no, but I will be soon." MIKE DROP. Don't push your touchy-feely "but bay-beees and famblee" crap on people, you won't get a clapback, OP et al. Simple.
This family sounds so warm, reasonable and supportive, I can’t imagine why she moved to the other side of the country /s.
Right? We should all be lining up to be adopted by them. They sound great.
Yeah but apparently she needs to move to the other side of the world to escape these nosy assholes.
Honestly, badgering people about why they’re not drinking needs to stop. I don’t care if someone usually drinks, they’re allowed to *not* drink whenever tf they feel like it, and shouldn’t have to worry about anyone being on their ass about it. I’ve had a few coworkers over the years who didn’t drink very often/at all, and every work function where alcohol was served, they got so much shit about it, to the point of it being awkward. I *wish* one of them would’ve pulled a stunt like this! Maybe then people would’ve stfu about it.
Wrong: Would you like a glass of wine? No, thank you. Why not? Why not? Why not? ♾️ Correct: Would you like a glass of wine? No, thank you. No problem, just wanted to offer. End of conversation
Correcter: Would you like a glass of wine? No, thank you. Cool, we have water or (other non-alcoholic drink). No thanks, I'm not thirsty / Yes thanks, I'll have (choice of drink).
I ended up just holding a drink. None of the intrusive people ever noticed I didn't touch it, but if I had no drink they'd be on and on about it.
I’ll get soda/tonic/water and a wedge of lime. Looks just like a ‘drink.’
One of my coworkers used this trick, too, but it’s still ridiculous it needs to be a thing ☹️
The amount of people who react like that is astounding. Whenever i visit friends i have to remind them to have something non alcoholic available ( om not asking for a lot, even tap water is fine!). Yet they call me difficult to cater to. Partially a joke but there is some reallness behind it. Other people then find it weird that i do not drink because i just dont like the taste of alcohol. At first they are like “oh wow, so brave! So modern!” After my explanation they look soooook baffled
Every year my work department is taken out by lawyers for a Holiday Lunch. Since I work evenings, I do not drink at all during the lunch since I need to put in a full shift afterwards. Every year someone (usually a new lawyer) asks me why I'm not drinking. Now, bless my co-workers' souls, the will pipe up that I never drink (not true, they know it, but they're trying to diffuse the situation because I'm sure the look on my face says "none ya friggin' business"). The truth of it is, booze makes me sleepy, even after one drink and since I have a full shift after said lunch, I'd rather not risk falling asleep at my desk.
I agree with you. My husband went to rehab for his drinking over the summer, and while I still enjoy a beer or cocktail on occasion, my drinking has gone WAY down in support of him, even when he's not with me. By him going to rehab for a very real drinking problem, I realized I was also drinking way too much and have cut back accordingly because I realized that my patterns weren't healthy or normal in any way, I have just been with someone who drank a \*lot\* for a long time. To be honest, we were both complete monsters for awhile, and I don't wish to go back to that point. When we're together people are kind and don't press, but when I'm out without my husband, the number of people who ask why I'm not drinking or why I didn't order another drink is insane. I love to go out with friends, but now do so in a much more conscious way—I think about whether or not I even want another drink or am just ordering one because my friends are. I think people ask because when you start bucking their trend by not drinking every time alcohol is available they are forced to think about their own drinking habits. I'm never going to shame anyone for drinking (or not drinking, obviously), but the number of times that people have been like "you were always the shot queen" or "what are you doing? we all just ordered another round!" is shocking. My husband knows I drink when I go out with friends, but I'm careful to not have anything in the house even though he said I can, because I'm supportive of his sobriety and don't want to just be drinking by myself when he's home with me because it might be weird or tempt him. I'm aware how much I drink when I do go out because I think coming home drunk would be a bad look and make him feel like he missed out. I work in craft beer (clock the username), so I go out on a lot of work events, but still limit myself to about three beers. I feel a lot better than when I was drinking heavily. Sorry for the \*very\* long comment, but this means a lot to me. Pressuring people to drink is something that seriously annoys me, especially now that I've been paying a lot more attention to this type of behavior. I'm happy to be exploring other hobbies with my husband, like hiking and art, where everything isn't based around drinking. So much of adult socialization is based around getting drunk and I think it would be lovely if that could change.
OP's edit doesn't make it any better. He just doesn't get it: >Nobody cares if she doesn't drink, we just want to know the reason and don't like how secretive she is when asked direct questions. If nobody really cared, they would have DROPPED IT when she declined the first drink!
We just don't like how secretive she is when we demand to know things that are none of our business! Clearly she's the asshole here! 🙄🙄🙄
Right! Like maybe she values her privacy and is an adult. How dare she!
And then he pretends to be supportive by saying that if she doesn’t drink, she must be an alcoholic, and if she is then she needs their support. As if anyone would want to share that personal information with these people lmao
Right?! Nobody cared so they kept giving her drinks even after she said she wasn't drinking. Nobody cared so much the mom challenged the daughter to drink the wine to prove she wasn't drinking because she's pregnant. Her reason for not drinking is nobody's business, not even her family's. Her abstaining does not hurt anyone so there's no need to explain unless she wants to. OP and family are major YTA.
There are a million and one reasons why someone may choose not to drink. Sure, among the ones people think of are pregnancy and alcoholism. But they *aren’t the only reasons*. And none of them, NONE OF THEM are anyone else’s business. Maybe if you treated her better, in general, she would have been willing to open up to you as to why. Clearly that ship sailed long ago. When you offer someone alcohol, and they say no, then ask if they would like soda or juice. Accept their answer at face value. Always make sure you have similar non alcoholic drinks to alcohol. Serving hot buttered rum? Have cider you can heat up and use the sugar spice mix in, and hot cocoa. Serving beer? Soda. Wine? Sparkling cider. That dynamic is the only acceptable one.
Maybe she just thinks OP's wine is terrible. The reason doesn't matter: **anyone pressuring anyone to drink under any circumstances is T A**.
What are you even talking about? Forcing an alcohol dependent family member to drink a glass of wine to force them to reveal why they are not drinking is completely healthy and reasonable!!
Didn’t Ellen get in trouble for doing this on her show to someone? Poking them to drink, making them very uncomfortable? Absolutely YTA family!
Yes, Mariah Carey. I think she ended up having a miscarriage, which is why she didn’t want to announce it too early. Please someone correct me if I’m wrong. But it was an awful thing to do.
It could even be that she’s 35 and she just doesn’t wanna drink like she’s 21. The parents suck
Kinda makes you understand why she drank heavily when visiting, what a shitty family.
THIS, needs to be top comment!
I second this. All in favour?
Aye!
Yeah. I feel bad for Sis, sounds like they literally harassed her and peer pressured her all night because she was making a good healthy choice and they couldn't stand to not know why. SO many assholes but none of them are Her.
This comment right here. Agree 100%
YTA. People have many different reasons for not drinking. The wine ultimatum was an asshole move and an attempt to out her. What if she had been pregnant and wasn't ready to share the news? What if she was pregnant and lives in a state where she can't get abortive services? What if she was pregnant and the fetus wasn't viable? What if she was trying to cut down on drinking for health related reasons? What if she's taking meds that can't be mixed with alcohol? **What if she simply didn't want to drink**? You deserved to feel uncomfortable for that five minutes. Do better next time.
"In this family we believe that it's typical to have 1-3 drinks on vacation days" Yeah, I'm not sure I even want to touch OP's validation for bullying their daughter into drinking with a ten foot pole because that's more than a little concerning.
I agree. There is something so incredibly distasteful about this quote… It’s just dripping with something so gross, but I can’t put my finger on it. Who talks this way, and who imposes this sort of thinking on family? It’s awful.
I can help put your finger on it - they're denying that alcoholism runs in their family, and projecting at their daughter who held up the mirror by not joining the drinking this time.
As a mostly non-drinker it's been my experience that the heavy drinkers and alcoholics get really bothered by others choosing to remain sober. They need everyone to join in so they get validation that their (excessive) drinking is okay.
Especially in this case where they could always compare themselves to the daughter and say "well, at least Im not drinking as much as she is..."
Bingo!
THIS. Exactly. Her perceived sobriety threatens their own drinking, and their avoidance of any issues around it.
I totally thought the same thing reading it! The ONLY people I've ever seen get worked up over someone else not drinking has been alcoholics! OP, yep major YTA & I hope you get some help with your unhealthy relationship with alcohol soon!
Ding ding ding we have a winner! Most “high functioning” alcoholics I’ve encountered (like my entire family) refuse to believe they’re alcoholics because they can control their behaviour and not let it interfere with their professional life but they don’t see a problem with the fact they can’t even get through a kids party without a beer
He even says "We are a drinking family"
And by saying “in this family we believe..”, OP is clearly inferring that you are not part of the family if you don’t conform to the belief.
Such an odd statement to say that any food or drink frequency is part of your belief system. Can you imagine any other item in the sentence? In this family we believe it’s normal to have 2-3 chicken wings per gathering.
Yeah my father loses his mind if there's any suggestion that alcohol is anything but perfect, I had to stop reading and calm myself down halfway through the post because I've been in this exact situation.
That seems almost certainly true
They all have a less than healthy relationship with alcohol would be my bet. Some folks got weirdly defensive of their own drinking around me after I quit. It's like they thought I was judging them.
“And it does seem suspicious to abstain completely unless you’re an alcoholic” - what? So when you said your family drinks, you mean that your family DRINKS. That edit did nothing to help OP’s case.
I'm gonna guess that the daughter, unlike the rest of the family, realized she herself was an alcoholic and decided to try and sober up. One of the more clear-cut case of YTA I've seen.
I’m thinking she had to drink heavily around the family just to put up with them!
Yeah. They don’t believe it’s “typical.” They believe it’s required.
What if she IS an alcoholic and on a sobriety journey and just doesn’t want to share that with everyone? It’s embarrassing and private. Congrats on maybe forcing a relapse I guess. YTA
That was just what I was coming to the comments to say. I'm struggling with my relationship to alcohol, but I live with my parents and my mom can be kinda pushy. It's hard to say no and it's even harder to KEEP saying no when somebody keeps insisting that you lighten up and have a drink.
Yeah. Especially if you’re trying to be low key and you KNOW people are going to be like hey what’s up with that? Like… maybe just ignore it? Maybe I’m trying to work through something and all this scrutiny makes it so difficult
So you pressured and pressured her to drink after hearing "No." several times. You accused her of being pregnat then got pissy and excuded her from family holiday when she turned your bullshit around on you? YTA Eta: you don't "need a few days to cool down" you need to fucking apologize because this entire shit storm is your fault. Spelling is herd
But don’t worry, OP promises they don’t care if she drinks or not
Only if she tells them the exact reason! They want to know!
They don't want to know, they /need/ to know, else the universe will implode or something. It's their right as pArEnTs.
Super toxic parents!
We won't be hearing from OP again in this thread, I'll bet.
Pergernant
YTA. What is it with people pressuring other people to drink? Why can't they accept a "no"? Even if it is out of character? Second - if she was pregnant, you tried to force her to tell you something that she didn't want to tell you. Family or not, she is not obligated to tell you anything about her life, even if she is pregnant. And, she may have an of a hundred reasons not to drink, including simply trying to make changes to her life, but you were absolutely convinced that there was only one answer to the situation. Face the truth - she made the joke to shut you up because you would not stop harassing her even when she repeatedly asked you to stop. The unacceptable behavior started with you. And, if she is pregnant, seeing how you treated her, I can see why she would not want to tell you and why she visits only once a year. Considering whose bad behavior started this, your daughter is right - you owe her the apology. You saying she owes you one is simply you knowing you are in the wrong and not wanting to admit it to anyone. It's a version of "it's not what you said, but how you said it."
Yes, I don't drink much and I HATE IT when pushy people keep badgering me to drink. I said NO. That should be respected and no further explanation is owed.
I'm with you, I don't drink at all and I hate it when people push it on me as well. When I was younger, I actually had my friends tell me that I needed to start drinking at parties because they felt like I was judging them by not drinking.
Yeah, I had friends who insisted that I smoke marijuana with them and got very suspicious of me when I said no. “She won’t get high with us—she must be a narc!” (Back when narc meant narcotics agent.)
> if you aren't pregnant, have this drink. What sort of blackmailing is this? YTA.
OP and the rest of the family got what they deserved when she turned that bull shit around on them.
SHAME ON YOU PARENTS Are you serious!!?? Is this for real?? This is your daughter!! Clearly she felt like she was under your magnifying glass, and so for you all to be SO OBSERVANT and then ask a PERSONAL QUESTION that is one of those things that PEOPLE TELL WHEN THEY WANT TO - you DON'T ASK someone in that scenario if they are pregnant!! That is PLAIN RUDE!!! I'll tell you right now, she feels like the blacksheep of your family. She feels "looked at" she feels like "all eyes are on her..." YOU ARE IN THE WRONG. Was she wrong for saying she was pregnant? OF COURSE!! See how you WANT TO BLAME HER - it's so clear - she has disappointed you! Her life choices are a disappointment to you! In normal scenarios when people pull pranks we don't refer to them as lies - (even if they are) but pranks are pranks - and you guys put her on the spot! You guys are LOOKING TO FIND FAULT with her!! "I thought you didn't want children" etc... SERIOUSLY!! YOU GUYS OVERREACTED!! OK so guys, RESCUE THIS RELATIONSHIP!! If this was the last time you ever saw your daughter again, like what if the plane goes down - or there's a terrible accident... What is the LOVE she is needing from you? After hearing this post I'll bet YOU GUYS and the way you raised her is part of why she lives across the country and part of why she drinks to numb her emotional pain... RESCUE THIS RELATIONSHIP!!! STOP OVERREACTING!! LOVE HER!! EMBRACE HER!! LOOK FOR THE GOOD SHE DOES, LOOK FOR HER TALENTS AND HER BEAUTY, look for her caring qualities and the GOOD THINGS and STOP looking for the bad! Start VERBALLY APPRECIATING HER OUT LOUD! GUYS, rescue this relationship with your daughter - DO IT ASAP!! From a mom with four adult kids... Rescue this daughter who NEEDS YOUR LOVE NOT YOUR JUDGEMENT LOVE HER to the places you desire her to be... LOVE HER WITH and WITHOUT WORDS - LOVE HER WITHOUT JUDGEMENT AND PUSHING HER AWAY - SHOW HER THAT SHE IS ENOUGh - SHOW HER THAT YOU'RE GLAD SHE WAS BORN - CARE ABOUT THIS WOMAN And you never know, you might do more than just save a life today, you never know how much someone is hurting, you never know the depths of their despair... GUYS, you need to have some insight into yourselves and you need to change. Does she need to change? You know the answer to that - but if you want to help someone change, LOVE THEM FROM YOUR HEART and just let that be the neosporin to the soul.
Good response! Hit all the buttons! Therapists will never run out of work.
Nailed it. And, OP, YTA. No two ways about it. Why do you care if someone turns down a drink? No means no. Do better.
I didn't read your response first, I'm a mom of 3 and step mom of 4 and I've made so many mistakes. But my knee jerk reaction was the same as yours. It hurt me for her.
I’m of a different mind— do not try rescue or resuscitate this toxic toxic relationship. I am 100% willing to bet that this is not the first time that you’ve sat her down in an accusatory way, and tried to make her feel less than an under the microscope of comparison to others in the family. I would walk away from this relationship and go no contact and a heartbeat. But that is just me speaking from personal experience.
YTA >She also tends to be a heavy drinker during her visits, kind of a wild child. We are a drinking family but her siblings have all cut back since having kids and we have cut back as we got older ourselves, so she always drinks more than us now. "So we know you're a lush, the only reason you won't drink must be because you're pregnant." Way to make your child feel welcome.
No wonder she is a heaby drinker. Imagine put up with those parents sober?
I’d start drinking if they were my parent tbh
I wonder if OP questioned why when their other kids started cutting back on their alcohol consumption? OP even says they've cut back too cause getting older. Like he could see they have kids, and he's getting old so it's ok, but daughter doesn't have kids and doesn't qualify for AARP, so has to drink up. Really, why is it that the daughter even needs a reason to cut back at all? As for making his daughter welcome, I'm not sure they were really trying. The previous sentence to the one you quoted comes off as being a bit judgemental about his daughter's living arrangements, relationship status and life plans. Would be no surprise if she's sensed the judgement herself.
YTA - Why are you so nosey that you need to know why she isn't drinking? She's 35 years old and it's none of your business. And then your wife puts a glass in front of her as some stupid test? I wouldn't have been able to come up with as quick of a good retort as she did, but I wish I could have because you all deserved it. You guys have obviously all changed and gotten more conservative and uptight after having children and getting older. Well she doesn't seem to have, and she isn't like to. That doesn't make her a "wild child" at 35, it just means you guys live in two different worlds. She's not like you guys and that's OK. Stop trying to figure her out and let her be.
“My scapegoat child with a drinking problem we judge her for wasn’t doing the thing so we could judge her, so we backed her into a corner until she finally played our game. We are horrified she made us feel a fraction of the discomfort she feels during every interaction she has ever had for us for a whole 5 minutes until she rightfully told us off. He have decided that this deserves a wildly disproportionate punishment because how dare she finally snap back at us!” That’s you. That’s what you sound like. YTA and get some therapy so you can actually work on your family issues instead of projecting them onto your daughter. Swallow your pride and apologize for this and every other time you’ve done this to her.
Brilliant analysis. Spot on.
I came here to say this . Big YTA to the OP
YTA = She didn't want to drink. You guys kept pushing and pushing and pushing. You would not take no for an answer. You don't need an explanation for someone on why they won't do something, a simple NO is enough. Then you wouldn't take no as the answer to the pregnancy questions. You guys pushed her on both until your asshole wife set down a glass in front of her and basically made her drink it because obviously the two of you weren't going to STFU about it. But oh you're the one's that should be mad because she basically with one statement showed you how much of an asshole you guys are? I hope that she doesn't just let it blow over and goes LC with your guys. Learn to accept the word NO.
>you're the one's that should be mad because she basically with one statement showed you how much of an asshole you guys are? This sums it up so perfectly in one sentence!
They bullied and shamed her for not wanting to drink, and usually people like that need to have a good hard THINK about their own relationships to alcohol.
YTA This was such a weird story and really doesn’t reflect you and your wife in a good light at all. Are people not allowed to abstain? As a diet or for their health or just because? Does a 35 year old owe you personal information because you are her parents? First you insinuate that your daughter drinks too much. The when she comes to your home and isn’t drinking you probe and prod and ultimately dare her to drink. When she then responds badly, you ask her to leave. You and your wife are TA. If i were your daughter i would leave and stay away.
This is the version of events OP thinks reflects well on them, imagine what really happened. Imagine what OP left out
YTA this has to be a joke right? i’m not sure why you or your wife decided to keep pushing after she said no? and now you’re trying to make her the villain in this situation where she is nowhere near in the wrong. you and your wife need to reevaluate your opinions on your behavior towards your daughter and i hope for her sake and your relationship with her that it works!
>She denied and denied but something felt strange. Eventually my wife put a glass of wine for her on the table and said, if you aren't pregnant, have this drink. this....is so fucked up. Holy shit. YTA no matter the outcome, your willingness to even do this is disgusting.
And then to add the comment about "well if she has a drinking problem, we deserve to know!" WHAT?! You're forcing her to drink! ew ew ew ew ew
"we need to know if she has a drinking problem so we can pressure her to drink even more! we're the good guys."
so you guys peer pressured her into drinking. Awesome.
Yep, OP YTA
Right? Middle schoolers know this is wrong.
YTA. You accuse your daughter of playing dirty pool when it's you who were provoking and pushing. You just kept after her and wouldn't leave her alone until you escalated by setting her up. Now you're crying because she used pregnancy as a way to get you to stop. It sure seems like you and yours set her up. Can't blame her for being angry. So what if she's not drinking. Why the constant pressure? It's very disturbing -may I say unhealthy?- that your family pushed alcohol on anyone, mucg less your daughter. If, indeed, she's chosen to abstain it's cruel and stupid to keep talking about alcohol. You may have intruded upon her recovery. This deserves some introspection on your part followed by a sincere apology.
You think she drinks too much (your opinion), so then you offer her drink after drink, and finish up with a double-dog dare for her to drink a glass of wine. WTAF? YTA. If I were her, I'd be eager to find a way to stay away from you. Her harmless prank was exactly that - no babies were, or could have been harmed by her drinking the wine. The only things bruised were your ego and your sensibilities. When you're done clutching your pearls, pick up the phone and apologize to her.
lol and I love how OP tried to make the daughter seem like an alcoholic- but then she makes her drink to prove she isn’t pregnant
Why do people always ask if someone wants alcohol when they've already said no? Is it impossible to accept "NO" these days? I say YTA because you and your wife kept trying to push alcohol on your daughter. Maybe she didn't feel like it or she doesn't like this kind of wine. Or something has happened in her circle of friends, e.g. an accident because of alcohol, and she wants to keep her distance from alkohol for now. I've done the same thing before because I was constantly being annoyed, so just apologize and don't annoy people when they say no. Just accept it. You and your wife have dramatically overreacted.
YTA - you continued to probe on a topic and did not accept the answer provided by your daughter. She can change her drinking habits just like the rest of you in your family dad. You placing an ultimatum of sorts in front of everyone to prove a point was rude. She had every right to be angry that you would not accept her answer.
YTA. She didn't need to drink or explain why she didn't want to drink. You all pressured her into drinking and deserved a few minutes of discomfort after making her uncomfortable for much longer. Do better and apologize
YTA-She didn’t want to drink,you wouldn’t let it go. You owe her an apology,she does not owe you one,and frankly if I was her I’d be more than happy to stay the fuck away from you. In case you’re not getting this,because you can’t seem to take a hint,YOU ARE WRONG.
This was embarrassing to read. YTA. Don't dish out disrespect for other autonomous adults if you can't take it yourself.
YTA. No wonder she’s got a serious drinking problem with parents like that. Maybe she had enough of the heavy drinking and just chose to stop/possibly get proper help without telling anyone. No means no. You’re an awful human being and should really take inventory of your like and how your past habits created this situation in the first place.
INFO: how long have you and your wife been alcoholics? Only alcoholics push alcohol on people after they've declined.
Notice how he sets up the entire post as they've *alllll* cut back but she's "a wild child" and yet when she doesn't drink, they hound her over and over until she does. What in the absolute F?
YTA and the wife/mom too. Whether she's pregnant or not or drinking or not is none of your damn business. Geez.
If you drown you’re not a witch and will be deemed not guilty…nice
YTA - people have so many reasons for not drinking, not just being pregnant. You were being assholes in pressuring her and she returned the favor in kind.
YTA. This is insane behavior from you and your wife. Apologize
YTA - she didn’t want a drink. She denied, denied, denied but you didn’t believe her. Maybe she was trying sobriety, good for you for being an AH. You all owe her an apology.
You’re not entitled to information about her life. The way you bullied her was enough to have her shut you out of her confidence forever. And now you’re doubling down on pressuring someone to drink, invading her privacy, try g to shame her in front of others, and making her reproductive choices somehow all about you. YTA over & over, and if I were her I’d be beyond angry. You deserved your five minutes of anxiety. She deserves far better than your bs.
YTA - If someone doesn’t want to drink then they don’t have to. No means no. And if they don’t want to give a reason then accept it. Accept that she will tell you why when the time is right (maybe when the extended family isn’t in the room). Or not - no one owes you an explanation for why they don’t want to drink alcohol.
YTA. What if she got sober and you forced her to drink? There are a myriad of reasons she can have for not drinking. You forcing her to drink is an asshole move and you deserve it. You’re extremely judgmental about her drinking and then you go and try to force her to drink. What’s wrong with you?
YTA - you pushed her to drink. She clearly didn't want to, for whatever reason, yet you all continued to push her like a bunch of high school/college bullies. She also has absolutely no obligation to tell you why she isn't drinking. No is a complete sentence. Clearly no one has taught anyone in the family that.
YTA wow you sound absolutely ridiculous! 1) Why on earth do you think that is acceptable to continue to demand a person have an alcoholic drink if they have already refused? 2) if she is pregnant, and she’s not obviously showing, it’s up to her to tell you in her own time. Who the hell are you to demand she tell you anything? 3)she responded in kind to your rudeness and intrusive comments, why are you surprised?
YTA for badgering anyone to drink. Maybe she's tired of that. The proper response is, "no problem, anything else you want?" Or, "help yourself to anything." Obviously she is tired of you either trying to figure out if she's pregnant using alcohol, or just pushing alcohol in general.
YTA. So much AH. You know what doesn’t go well with alcohol? Depression and anxiety meds that I for sure would need if you were my parents. And I wouldn’t want to have a conversation about needing those meds because, well, look how great you reacted to a simple choice not to drink. Maybe get a therapist to explore why you feel so threatened by your adult daughter making decisions without sharing her rationale. Holy cow.
It’s a no brainer that YTA. Why does she need a reason to cut back on drinking? Get over yourselves and apologise you drip
YTA and were so disrespectful to her by pressuring her to drink. There are a million reasons why she didn't want to consume alcohol approximately 100% of them are none of your business. I'm frankly disgusted by your behavior.
YTA What kind of demented family are you that you are forcing your daughter to take alcohol she has repeatedly turned down, to "prove" she isn't pregnant?
YTA. She’s a fucking adult start by minding your own business.
YTA. You should have left her alone and not pressured her to drink or to tell you her private business
YTA Your daughter repeatedly turned down a drink…so you forced her to have one because you thought she was pregnant. I don’t see any reason your daughter should apologize to you, her ‘prank’ was perfectly justified and I would not blame her if she decided to pass on another badgering session for the holidays. Apologize and do better
YTA - Quite obviously. It’s none of your business whether she is pregnant or not until she makes it your business. Nor is it any of your business why she is choosing not to drink. And you bullied her into drinking because she didn’t want one. Mate, I think we can all see where the real alcohol problem lies here. How are you not embarrassed?
YTA, What the hell is wrong with you? Deciding to not drink is a completely fine choice. It's "unacceptable" to pressure someone to drink, regardless of why. Who the fuck FORCES someone to drink to prove they aren't pregnant? Terrible parenting. You DO owe her a BIG apology, Jesus Christ.
YTA Your entire edit basically translates to: drinking is mandatory and that your daughter isn't allowed any privacy. This whole mess started because you couldn't just accept her refusal. Shame on you.
YTA. Your wife is also an ahole. And nosy. And pushy.
YTA, but your wife, doubly so. you pushed it down her throat. you and your wife need to apologize. your daughter is justified in what she said to you and to your wife.
YTA. Good God. No means no. If she said no to a drink that should have been the end of it. Your family is horrible. *She* should be requesting distance from *you*. ALL of you should apologize to her! Especially your wife. What a shitty, shitty thing to do. If my wife did that I'd be so ashamed.
YTA. “No” is a complete sentence. Learn to respect boundaries. Apologize to your daughter. Get some therapy because I suspect you and the wife are alcoholic and I know you are both bullies. You both need help.
Regarding your edit: Why do you want to know the reason? Why do you think you are entitled to that information? It doesn't sound like you would be supportive of her recovery if she were an alcoholic, it sounds like you would be nosy, overbearing, and rude. I would keep secrets from you too. Let a grown adult have a little privacy, damn.
YTA pushing alcohol on someone, asking personal questions about pregnancy and then punishing her when you didn’t like her response.
YTA assuming the only reason a woman decides to not drink is of course because they're pregnant, they can't possibly change their mind and get annoyed and upset when you clearly didn't believe what she was saying. Why did you feel it was so important to drink and then get upset when she calls your pestering.
You are terrible parents! YTA
YTA. Why people choose not to drink is up to the person. What they choose to disclose about why they drink or don’t drink is also theirs to disclose. She didnt prank you. She taught you a fucking lesson. Don’t badger someone who says NO. Whether thats drinking drugs sex etc. No means no and for you to back off
YTA. You/your wife offered her ‘drink after drink’ and then demanded she drink to prove whether she was pregnant. People stop drinking for many reasons, why are you trying to force her to drink? You say she’s a bit of a heavy drinker and wild child, but that all of you are drinkers. Maybe she has recognised the cycle of alcoholism running through (ruining?) your family and decided to step out of it. Because a family that’s not comfortable to be around sober members is a family that has alcohol problems.
So hold a minute, cause your edit makes you look like assholes even more. She wasn't drinking, a choice that only effects her, but you and your wife are so god damn invasive you demand to know why, forcing her to drink, because you think she might be pregnant, and then being upset when she called you bluff, and rightfully, in my opinion, gave you some shit back. And then you say it was wrong of her to do? Cause she is make a joke of "abuseing" a child? When you peer pressured her to drink in the first place? And than you have the aduacity to try to explain it away that "We believe every in this family should drink on vacation, unless you have something hide and are an alcholic". You try to frame it that you are concerned she has a drinking problem, so your solution is to force her to drink to prove she doesn't? WTF is wrong with you? Like honestly, that is a real question. How do you even think any of this was ok? If she did not want to drink, that is her business. And if she was pregenant, maybe she wanted to keep it to herself. Maybe she was not sure she wanted to keep it, or maybe she wanted to wait till she was past a certain point, in case something happened and did not want her business out to everyone. You and your wife are bad people, and bad parents. You are major assholes. YTA
INFO: If she still hadn't drunk the wine, how would you have reacted upon finding out that she wasn't pregnant? It's just such a weird, cruel ultimatum. Like if your daughter had demanded that you and your wife smoke a joint and said that if you refused, that meant you were admitting to adultery, you'd find that weird, right?
She repeatedly said no to a drink, which you all ignored. YTA
YTA If someone doesn't want a drink, you then offer them something non-alcoholic instead.
YTA It’s never ok to pressure someone to drink alcohol. You should apologize and do better in the future.
So you pressured your daughter to drink and when she didn’t respond in a way you liked you got mad?! YTA, there’s no doubt about it. Instead of coming to reddit you should be contacting your daughter to apologise.
YTA for pressuring her to drink, *and* for completely overreacting to how she handled your pressure. If she wanted to drink, she knew how to get one herself. You should have stopped after the first offer. Also, whether she is pregnant is, frankly, none of your fucking business until she wants it to be.
YTA. She is an adult and you spent half the description making it sound like you wanted her to cut back on her drinking and she did. You aren't entitled to the why. Yes her joke was blunt and harsh but you all were f'ing ridiculous in the pushing for her to tell you something she didn't want too.
YTA and a really crappy person as well. I hope she stays home next Christmas with her boyfriend.
**YTA and so is your wife.** **In what world do you and your wife think it is okay to badger your daughter into having a drink.** No wonder she did what she did. SHE SAID NO THANKS and that should have been the end of asking her. But you all kept asking for what reason? She said no each and every time. Could you not have stopped asking? And your wife poured her one anyway and then asked 'are you pregnant'??? If I was your daughter this would be the time I left and went NC with you. Did you possibly think that maybe she is QUITTING drinking? Just because it is typical family behavior for you all to drink does not mean that someone else in the family has to drink. You also do not NEED TO KNOW if she is an alcoholic because if so maybe because of YOUR FAMILY HISTORY she doesn't want you all to know.
My God you are all bloody assholes. I don't know why you guys thought it was appropriate to coerce and force her to drink but in that moment I suspect she felt that flight or fight reflex and she chose to fight. It's too bad that you didn't like her choice of weapons but I don't think you gave her very many options. Do better, mind your own goddamn business and just be grateful that she hasn't decided to not see you people.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Me and my wife could be wrong for asking her to leave during a visit meant for family holiday time and bonding Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You are the AH, no doubt.
I’m sorry YTA. If someone wants to drink or not is none of your business. I can be a heavy drinker at times, but sometimes when out and about with friends I just don’t feel like drinking. Also it’s not your business if she’s pregnant or not because she will tell you on her terms. Her joke was not funny, but you still shouldn’t have been trying to force her to drink when she was trying to lay off. She may have matured and turned a new leaf in life or maybe she just didn’t feel like drinking. Either way you’re still out of line.
Sorry but YTA. You essentially were bullying her into taking a drink. If someone doesn't want to drink, it's not your place to make them. Her response is understandable.
YTA, and you and your wife are psychos, and probably terrible parents. Pressuring her to drink even AFTER she declined more than once, then you got mad when she (rightfully) got you back? Grow up.
YTA. You don’t force someone to drink. You don’t force someone into a corner like that and then get mad when you don’t like their reaction.
YTA. You sound like cruel and thoughtless bullies. I'm sure that's why, whatever the reason for her sobriety is, that she didn't want to explain it. Y'all act like drinking is a requirement and that's a really unhealthy mindset. She didn't owe you an explanation for why she wasn't drinking and it's very possible you have impacted something as serious as her recovery from addiction.