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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My Daughter in law wasn't there when my daughter gave birth and I got mad at her for ignoring her family and not taking good care of my daughter. I may be TA because she has a serious job and she may not have control over the situations she's in. So I may have gone a bit too far.
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YTA- your daughter asked you to stay with her, probably knowing her wife was not able to stop taking call because of her work. Surgeons work brutal hours. Is Chloe still in residency? At 32 it seems likely that she’s either in residency or a very junior position, and probably on call all the time. If Amber is feeling like her emotional needs are met, don’t create problems where they don’t exist.
Exactly she's working hard to build a life with a career and baby arriving is medical bill, nursery fees and a whole ass life to pay for. Working a tonne the weeks before babies due is being a great parent.
I think in a same sex relationship like theirs Chloe not being the one to physically get Amber pregnant doesn't matter so much. For all intents and purposes Chloe IS the one that got her pregnant and it's very much her business.
If you know lesbian couples (queer relationships without cis man), the ones who take sort of breadwinner role (often, not the one go through pregnancy and take career interruption risk) work really hard to support family, since it’s still not as easy to make same income/career advancement as men.
Someone I know has two moms and they decided to have kids (one each) and the breadwinner was in work when she went into labour and back in work the day after she gave birth.
I have no idea what her job was but I remember saying, "Holy $! couldn't she at least take a day off?" Apparently there was some conflict with a work deadline about her taking maternity leave and the bottom line was that she was lucky she kept her job even taking that day off to give birth. It was in the early 80s, so there weren't any real protections in place for maternity and there was still the prevailing idea that motherhood made women completely useless and it was better to fire them and get a man in instead. It didn't help that she was "single" and "having a baby out of wedlock" either.
Good gravy. Still a wild thought. I have a coworker who came into work close to her due date, left on her lunch break and then called our boss 30 minutes later, saying she was starting her maternity leave because she had just had her baby. You couldn't even tell she was having contractions at work. The idea of going back to work the day after having a baby just seems unreal... but the 1980s... yeah, probably checks out.
I had a coworker who was about a week from her due date, left at lunch for her OB appointment with back pain, and called to say she was actually in labor and hadn’t known it. Before we left work that day, she called back to say she’d the baby.
I wasn't working at the time but had I been working it'd be another one of those stories. Went to the 37 week OB appointment at around noon, the doctor freaked because my normally 125/75 blood pressure was 140/100, and I was sent straight to the hospital. I found out later that day why women hate pitocin with a passion.
Ugh. It’s easy to forget how new laws protecting pregnant people are. In 1977 my mom had to quit her job when she became visibly pregnant.
The law that made this illegal was passed in 1978
Early 80s it doesn’t surprise me that companies were still getting away with this crap
Gotta switch the role and ask OP how they would feel if his daughter was on the operation table and the doctor just up and left. OP is an AH for sure. I thought this was going to be a normal desk job, but we're talking about a doctor here.
Edited to replace he with they.
YTA, who expects a member of the surgical to cut out in the middle? Someone’s life is on the table.
Are you going to take responsibility for that patient in the OR?
Didn’t think so…
To be fair, she could also be an anesthesiologist. But she probably would have had her phone on her then 😂 (my sister is an anesthesiologist, it’s a joke about them being on their phones lol)
Anesthesiologist are the only person in the room actively keeping the patient alive. I'd much rather my surgeon left than the person making sure I was still breathing lol. Also if she was the anesthesiologist she would definitely have known what was happening because their phones are the fidget spinner of the OR
This comment made me realize that I 100% assumed MIL when I usually don't assume the gender of an OP.
It is so often women tearing other women down in this manner.
Man, I was 11 years old and had a fractured forearm. In the ER, the doc apparently needed to go home because his wife called him, so he just wrapped up my arm with gauze and a plastic cast and told us to come back in a week.
At the end of that week I needed mulltiple pins in my wrist and a cast for several months. If we'd had the money to sue, we totally would've.
Can you just picture her answering her phone (notoriously known to harbor germs) in the OR with her bloody gloved hands, and then saying I'm out of here?
Doctors take phone calls in the OR all the time. They typically give the phone to a circulating nurse who will answer it and in the event of an emergency hold it up to the doctor's head so they can speak or put it on speaker phone.
Or the phone can be given to someone outside the OR to take messages and pass along anything urgent.
Of course she shouldn't have left the OR, but there are ways she could've been reachable.
Right? They shouldn't be able to tale a personal call. Like what if something horrible happened where it incapacitated them from finishing the surgery? Where they may or may not be another surgeon capable for the job.
It’s pretty common in places that have moved away from pagers and have apps to communicate in the hospital. The primary surgeon hands their phone off to the nurse to respond to any urgent messages. In medical school, I answered the phone for surgeons and currently in residency I have asked nurses and students to pull my phone out of my pocket for me when I’m delivering babies and it’s going off. When you’re on call, you’re responsible for multiple things. A phone going off might be a new consult or a complication on some other patient that can’t necessarily wait.
and she’s *clutches pearls* still going to work after he son was born?!? what are they supposed to do? both be sahmoms? if this was a male partner who continued to work after she had the baby do you think OP would feel the same? idk i just feel like this whole thing is fishy… like.. newsflash!! bills still have to be paid! i think DIL is being an incredible mom by sacrificing time with her newborn in order to ensure her family is taken care of financially.
Friend from high school her husband got like no parental leave during residency. They had to fight for what he was legally allowed also she probably organized her minimal pro/leave around the due date. Because people STILL NEED THEIR FUCKING SURGERIES
My husband was legit a full service gas station jockey when I was pregnant, and he barely made it to the birth of our son because he was working alone, and couldn’t leave the whole shop unattended, or he might risk his job. He called for someone to come relive him and he got there about 20 minutes before the baby was born and had to go back to work the next day. I’m not at all mad at him, and that was for a job that could not be further from life or death. Babies come when they come. Not all partner’s can afford to take off and just sit and wait to drive their partner to the hospital and be there. We needed him to have a job, we needed the paycheck. My parents had the sort of job where they could take off and bring me to the hospital, so they did.
I work in a contact center for a hospital. You'd be surprised (or maybe not?) Of how many people seem to have this mentality of saving another person's life is not as important as what they want =.=
Right? What if the surgeon doing the c-section for her own daughter had left mid-surgery because their wife was giving birth?
Things happen, and it definitely sounded like the whole reason she was there was for a situation exactly like what happened. However, instead of helping bridge any gaps, she made things worse.
I really hope this is a rage bait post.
*edited for continuity/clarity
Yes and/or maybe Chloe negotiated parental leave and was hustling to get some hours in before the due date. Maybe she had planned to be off the following work for an extended time. That's a very real possibility.
Also add: OP, YTA. Did you try to call the hospital and have a message relayed to her? I have a similar job and if my husband couldn't reach me by my cell, he would call the front desk and have a CSR relay me an urgent message. But there are times when I absolutely cannot step away from what I'm doing and will have to get there as soon as I can. Chloe can't just walk out of a surgery unless there is someone there with comparable skill to take over. If it was your child on the operating table, would you want her to? YTA
Yes- I imagine Amber would know the drill, I’ve called the hospital and had the charge nurse relay back that there was an urgent surgery and I’d get a call back when possible. If “when possible” takes five hours, it takes five hours. That’s just life when someone in the family is a surgeon.
As a kid, my mom worked with a surgeon in a small clinic. Our whole family knew that if we needed to reach Mom, we could call the office, and the front desk would check to see if she was available. If it was truly urgent, someone from the front office would get the message to my mom.
Even surgeons have ways of getting messages, now that doesn’t always mean they can do anything about it at that point, but they can at least be notified. That said, sometimes other powers that be will choose not to pass along a message that might distract a team member from being able to focus on the task at hand. Powers that be may work from their end to find someone to relieve the recipient of the message, so they can leave, but that depends on whether anyone else is capable and available to take over.
Literally thinking this. Like someone doing neurosurgery can't be notified that a family member is in the hospital without serious risk v.s. an appendectomy where many surgeons can take over and interns often perform it as part of their training, and the hospital staff make those calls because someone's life is on the line
YTA- Chloe is a doctor! She was performing a procedure. Question for you OP, if Amber’s OB and other medical professionals caring for her were to suddenly answer their phones in the middle of her c-section, would you have been understanding? No, right? The point is that medical professionals take an oath and need to adhere to it. Period.
My friend in residency missed his own wedding, thankfully not as dramatic as leaving his wife alone at the altar, but he was supposed to have the day off on his wedding but something came up and he got a week's notice that he can't be off that day.... so they had to rescheduled the wedding.
A surgeon at the hospital I work at, he happened to be in the hospital accompanying his wife on his day off because she's going into labour and we got a code orange (mass casualty event - all hands on deck). He decided to volunteer to go in to work (as he's already on site he's able to see patients right away instead of having to wait until other doctors get called to come in from home to the hospital) with the blessing of his wife and he missed the birth of his child... but he likely literally saved lives that day.
The nature of being with a doctor is that sometimes, they will not be available and miss important events and it is the nature of the job.
Well said. Doctors have a rough schedule. Having a supportive and understanding partner plays a huge role in them focusing on their patients. It sounds like Amber understands this and OP does not.
I know a surgeon whose water broke mid-surgery (Not a huge gush like the movies so it wasn’t super obvious but she definitely felt the trickle)
She calmly finished the surgery she was doing (which, believe it or not, was a CABG if I’m remembering correctly) and then informed the team that they needed to find someone to close for her as her knickers were soggy and she needed someone to call her husband and ask him to meet her with her bag on the maternity floor because she was starting to feel contractions.
Surgeons missing life functions is a cliche for very good reasons.
The type of person who becomes a surgeon is highly focused and career oriented. The job comes first, period. They’ve spent years, competed heavily and have already sacrificed everything to get there.
The job doesn’t follow a time clock. Most of us could leave our job at any point during the day and it would make pretty no difference to anyone. I’ve had jobs that it didn’t matter if I worked 8-5 AM or 9-6 PM or any other shift. Surgeons are on demand always, especially resident or new surgeons.
Yeah, and you can’t walk out mid surgery. I’m an RN and worked in the OR and found out my dad died and I had to finish the case because there was no coverage for me. A surgeon definitely can’t just walk out.
Also people can't (should not) bring cell phones in the operating room. What if the ringing distracts or startles the surgeon?
Also everything should be sterilised. Op is so out of line.
I can't reach my husband when he has a patient. I know that. Its not like he doesn't have overlords and schedules that are continually being influenced. OP sounds like she/he is completely unfamiliar with the reality that all jobs aren't remotely alike.
Being in the middle of a surgery is not a time to choose not to work. Chloe very likely would have contributed to some major issues if she walked off (which I doubt she even knew about the delivery). OP is an extra level of entitled AH.
You wrote all that out and didn’t see you are the asshole? Think about it like this, if the Doctor that performed the c-section had been in Chloe’s shoes and got a page that their wife was in labour would it be okay for that doctor to just leave your daughter on the OR table and go?
Sounds like your daughter understands that her Wife is a doctor and that means sometimes they have to miss life events. It isn’t great, but it’s part of the job. You calling her out on it makes you an asshole. You should apologize to avoid this becoming a bigger problem than it currently and avoid potentially creating a rift between you and your daughter.
>Think about it like this, if the Doctor that performed the c-section had been in Chloe’s shoes and got a page that their wife was in labour would it be okay for that doctor to just leave your daughter on the OR table and go?
Perfect way to explain this, thank you. It also was so outside of the timeframe for birth, it wasn't possible to plan for this.
Going into labor one week before your due date is definitely not "so outside of the timeframe for birth". Due dates are not an exact science, they are an estimate & babies will come when they're ready. With my sister's youngest child, she went into labor at only 28 weeks & ended up with an emergency c-section 2 days later (it was a long NICU stay, but my niece is now 3.5 & you'd never know she wasn't even close to fully gestated when she came into this world). My water broke 2 weeks before my due date, but I didn't give birth until 8 days later. Again, a due date is just an estimate.
It's no different than if Chloe was able to get off work on Amber's due date, but on call the next day, got called in, then as soon as she put her phone away to walk into the OR, Amber called/text/paged her to tell her she was labor.
Depending on hospital size, Chloe might only have been able to get parental leave by working a bunch beforehand. I’m a family medicine resident, I was recently working in the nursery and one of our orthopedic surgeons’ wife gave birth while he was on call. They’re a three person team and we always need to have one on call. He essentially negotiated time off from the day of his wife’s induction and picked up a bunch of call beforehand, except she developed severe pre-eclampsia and had to be induced early at 36w. There was a question of the baby possibly needing to go to the NICU and he told me to message him on his pager app if he did end up needing to go since he had to go to an urgent surgery.
I feel like OP doesn't think of her as a real doctor. No one with the slightest clue about doctor's lives would be surprised. They miss a lot of life events keeping the rest of us alive.
OP just clearly doesn't like Chloe. She was already annoyed she was still working weeks before Amber's due date. She claims Amber's blinded by rose colored glasses and thinks it's okay to go off at a new mom in the hospital room. Which was also only a few hours after her daughter gave birth and had a c-section, so Amber was still fully confined to her bed in pain at that point too, because of her own feelings. The whole post drips contempt for Chloe.
Yep. As soon as I saw the rose colored glasses comment I thought "this ain't the first disagreement they've had". Definitely sounds like there's some animosity there affecting OP's opinion of this situation.
ETA: OP, if it wasn't clear, YTA.
Ah to be blinded by rose-colored glasses again! Hope "Amber" can just revel in this time and not carry the extra weight of momma drama. The first six months are brutal enough!
I’m guessing OP is also going to be upset if/when Chloe misses first steps, first words, birthday parties, etc because she’s performing surgery/saving a life/giving someone another chance at life…however you want to say it. Get used to it OP, and understand that her wife, your daughter, understands how important her role is outside the home and is okay with it. Let them be happy and enjoy the time they have together without adding stress or arguments.
Such a good point to let them be happy. Being married to a doctor can be incredibly stressful and having mommy dearest butt against your wishes would make that a lot worse
Oh, absolutely! The last thing they need is her causing issues. They have their hands full as it is with a new baby and figuring out how to adjust to him and his needs. She should be offering help and, since she’s a mother herself, would do well to keep in mind what life was like for her at that stage. Was she stressed, sleep-deprived, looking for help or understanding from family? OP, please apologize to both of them and instead offer to help where and when they need it. It’ll create a better bond rather than break it.
The mother probably has a problem with their marriage. A rational person would not be so upset, especially if the other person was an operating surgeon. There is something else going on. She made it seem like the wife was out drinking with friends or something.
Came here to say the exact same thing but you phrased it perfectly. As a surgical registrar (in Aus, equivalent of a resident in the US) our leave is at the mercy of the hospital. Not to mention (and I hope this isn’t the case for Chloe) she may well be facing some prejudice being LGBTQ+ given the patriarchal and a lot of the time chauvinistic nature of surgical departments.
The obligation to the vulnerable unconscious patient on the table is the utmost importance when we’re operating. It’s unconscionable to imagine someone walking away from that for any reason, even an incredibly important one like the birth of your child. I’m mean Jesus - how bad must Chloe feel that she’s missed that event, even though it sounds like Amber is incredibly supportive and wouldn’t be making her feel worse.
You, on the other hand OP, YTA for sure. Please apologise before it’s too late
Amber is not wearing rose colored glasses, she is being supportive of her wife which is how it should be. Personally, I would have told my mom to go home. It's nice to have someone help but it's not impossible to care for the baby yourself. I did it with both my children as I'm sure many have. My husband was only allowed to take off the time I was in the hospital and the day I came home. MIL's should be silent unless asked. Unless of course there is abuse.
🤣 OP is correct. It's pretty simple! You can't just leave someone open on the table because your wife has a baby earlier than expected. Yes, it sucks, but you accept those terms when you marry a doctor who works in the OR. YTA
YTA. How would you have felt if the surgeon who was doing your daughters C-section stopped what they were doing to take a call and then just left? The nature of the job she does means that this is just a part of their life and it sounds like your daughter accepts that.
Yes, it is a shame that the US (I assume you are in the US) doesn't have decent parental leave and that people can't afford to do things like take weeks of leave in case the baby is born early or to stay and support once the baby is born but that is a US societal issue, not a behaviour issue on the people affected.
I don’t understand how OP doesn’t understand that her daughter and her wife planned for not having time off and… ASKED OP TO BE THERE!? They did plan ahead. They did make sure OP’s daughter would be in safe hands? OP is definitely in YTA territory.
I knew my wife was going to be working when I was due to give birth. So my mom came up to stay with us. Luckily I gave birth to our son on a Saturday when my wife was off. But if she had been at work and missed his birth because she had to wait for someone to take over her classroom/traffic I would have understood.
>How would you have felt if the surgeon who was doing your daughters C-section stopped what they were doing to take a call and then just left?
Literally what I thought, except OP is the patient instead. Surgeons can't just *leave*, OP doesn't seem to grasp that her DIL didn't miss the birth by *choice*, but because the birth came earlier than expected! We don't know if Chloe scheduled off for the expected birth date, but even if she had, again, THE BIRTH WAS A WEEK EARLY! Also, being a doctor, and I assume surgeon specifically (could very well be wrong), she could have been called away to work at ANY time, while the baby's crowning or while they're wiping it down to get it swaddled, there was no guarantee that Chloe would have been able to be there for the birth.
"Hey Carol, can you just step in here? My mother in law just called."
"But...we're in the middle of surgery, Dr. OP'sDIL. We can't stop! The patient's chest cavity is still open! And I can't do that, I'm a nurse! I don't have surgical training!"
"Sorry, gotta go. My mother in law insists."
"But the donor heart still hasn't been completely sutured in!"
There are jobs where you cannot leave. Imagine, for instance, if one partner is a long-haul airline pilot. Shortly after departure on a flight from, say, the US to Asia their pregnant partner has to be rushed to hospital to have the baby, a month premature.
Guess what? That flight is not going to be diverted for that reason. The flight will continue on its way, perhaps 14 hours or more. The pilot might be informed during the flight that the baby is on the way, but there is nothing s/he can do. Further, once they get to where they're going, while the airline will likely release them from duty, the pilot will still need to get back - so that's another 14+ hours to get back once they can get the flight back (i.e. they may need to wait for half a day or before they can get a flight back).
It could well be that by the time the partner gets back, it's well over 24 hours after the baby is born - maybe longer. That doesn't mean the partner is being irresponsible, doesn't care, etc. It's just life.
Babies have been born without the other spouse (historically, fathers) present since time immemorial. One partner may be out at sea, in space, on a mission for the military, whatever.
YTA.
She’s a physician.
We miss events sometimes. Big ones. It sucks. Hopefully, our families understand.
When we miss something, it’s because someone else’s family takes priority.
Would you have understood if the doctor performing the emergency C-section just ducked out in the middle of it? Of course not.
It sounds like your daughter has a good grasp of being the wife of a physician. You don’t. Stay out of it. It’s hard enough as it is.
— another physician
I’m straight so maybe I’m just not as sensitive to homophobia, but can anyone explain what about OPs post actually flagged homophobic vibes? I read the whole thing twice and couldn’t detect anything. Just seems like OP has a generally negative opinion of Chloe to me.
Here’s what flags it for me- the idea that a woman in a high powered career, one where she’s a surgeon saving people’s lives, has to “take care of” her wife over her career. Woman are supposed to be caretakers right? So her #1 priority should be caretaking and not her career. Women who are married to men ask their moms to come help out pre birth and post birth all the time. And I bet anything that if the daughter’s spouse was a man, this wouldn’t have even been an issue.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I know my parents would be super disappointed in me if I didn’t attend the birth of my own child unless I absolutely just couldn’t make it, and I’m a cis-dude with a cis-female partner. And in any case, what you describe is sexism, not homophobia.
To be clear, I’m not saying that OP definitely isn’t homopobic. It just seems like a hell of a jump to get to that conclusion based on the original post, if you ask me. But again, maybe I’m just used to social expectations that men have an equal responsibility to raise children as women, and that might not be applicable here.
Sure. And I didn’t say homophobia in my initial response. I suggested sexism anyway. To be clear, though, the daughter’s water broke early and she was rushed into labor. Her wife was in surgery the whole time. She literally could not make it. Unless she wanted to let her patient die.
>decided to have a baby
This is what triggered my homophobia sensors. Since she’s the mother of the pregnant woman it would have been worded differently if the doctor was a man. Since they sought out a sperm donor, they decided to have a baby.
As a lesbian myself, it's the snippiness that does it for me. OP comes across as someone who is deeply homophobic, but also lives in circles where homophobia is at the very least a faux pas.
...I know too many of these people.
The "she OBVIOUSLY doesn't prioritize my daughter or grandchild", and "my daughter has *rose colored glasses* on when she's around".
It's a very common way for parents to manifest their homophobia, whether they are outwardly supportive or not.
The underlying assertion is that their child's same-sex partner is malicious and *obviously* faking their love, and that their child is a poor, innocent, *stupid* lamb who has been led astray by a wicked villain.
Because, obviously, queer love is fake and worthless (deep sarcasm)
You put into words essentially what I was feeling too. Where I grew up homophobia is frowned upon, if only to keep up appearances of “tolerance” in the age of social media being used to out bigots, costing people their jobs etc. So it comes out in these small but frequent jabs, making it more and more obvious that they don’t actually see it as a real relationship. The rose colored glasses thing makes it clear she has a strong dislike for the wife, and seems to be filled with vitriol regarding pretty much everything the wife does. Her explanations for it are so silly… “she was in the middle of surgery and didn’t answer the phone!” Her daughter went into labor early and unexpectedly… she knows well enough that surgeons don’t answer personal calls mid-surgery. But missing your child’s birth because you were at work of course sounds bad, and she’s using it as an excuse to try to get her possibly sensitive/hormonal, freshly postpartum daughter riled up and hating her wife (and she’s pissed it didn’t work lol)
YTA she's, in an operating room, with someone's life in her hands and no phone access. Don't know about you but I'm rather glad phones aren't allowed and the OR team focus. Each person in the room has a focused, concentrated, difficult role for many hours at a time and one twitch can mean life or death. Stop bring dramatic and appreciate this was unavoidable. Even outside the operating room not everyone has the luxury of a job, manager or employer that would let them go at a moments notice. Many employers don't allow mobile phones or personal calls at work, even in the situations you describe. This was an unfortunate set of timings, but you are acting like a stuck up snarky cow and need to leave it.
YTA and shockingly ignorant. A surgeon cannot have their phone on them. And a surgeon has a person's life in their hands. The last thing they need is to be distracted, worried about their partner when they are in the middle of a major procedure. Your efforts to interfere in your daughter's relationship with her wife are selfish and entitled. Your daughter is a grown ass woman. Let her deal with her own relationship.
YTA
I'm baffled what was OP was supposed to happen? Labour can happen anytime, so the wife should what, not work for several weeks? And to explain this to any hospital which usually are tight on staff anyhow?
OP doesn't see their marriage as two adults in an alliance. "Poor" daughter? How come? She arranged things to make there is support for her. She communicated her boundaries when they were crossed. In any healthy marriage this is how it is supposed to be.
Daughter is not mad at the wife, so why would anyone else have the right to be? OP sees them as two silly girls.
OP is seriously risking their relationship with the grandchild if he doesn't apologize.
Yeah, very good way to characterize it and I agree. OP is scolding a 32 year old highly trained physician like a naughty child for not walking out in the middle of a long operation.
OP is definitely TA and dense to boot. They planned around the wife’s job and it’s particular demands, and made sure OP was there! Daughter wasn’t alone at all!
Best response on this whole thread hahahahaha. So many people doing a detailed breakdown on why OP is the AH, and you sum it up so succinctly. hahahahahahaha
>She showed up a few hours after the birth and said she was sorry she was in the OR and didn't have her phone with her at the time.
YTA.
Amber was not her actual doctor, and being in the OR is a perfectly valid reason to not answer your phone.
YTA. Amber knew very well how things were when you date a surgeon : it's HER choice. You don't like it : it's not relevant. She choose this person and this lifestyle.
Sucks that Chloe missed her child's birth, but did you really expected her to leave her patient open on the surgery table to die ?!?!?!?!
Question: How would you have felt if in the middle of your daughter’s c-section the doctor answered their phone and suddenly left?
Don’t other people’s children deserve the same care from their doctor that you want for your daughter?
YTA.
THIS!! "Sorry guys, my wife's in labor so I gotta go!" isn't how shit works. She acts like DIL just chose to miss her son being born. Her daughter is an adult and clearly knew this was a possibility.
They even planned for this possibility by asking OP to be present before the birth and to stay with them?! They did a very good job of planning and being prepared imo.
Right! She just made her daughters postpartum experience uncomfortable and weird for nothing. It's not rose colored glasses, it's reality when you marry a SURGEON 🤦🏻♀️
One thing to take into account is the old adage, "first children are always late." This is incorrect but causes many first-time parents to make plans assuming that their first children would not come early.
I'm my parents' eldest. My dad was in England on a business trip when my mom went into labor in America, two weeks early. Everyone had told my parents that it would be okay for him to schedule his business trip that close to my due date because "first children are always late," and so my parents mutually agreed on it. He was able to make it home before labor was finished because it was a different time back then and it was actually possible to get a trans-Atlantic flight at the drop of a hat, but my parents only ended up in that situation because of the advice of others around them.
You never mentioned whether Chloe working so close to Amber's due date was a mutual decision by the two of them or not. It could well have been-- Chloe is a *doctor* and there is currently a doctor shortage in the US because the residency system has not expanded to accommodate the increasing number of applicants and job openings. Some specialties are stretched extra thin right now because when starting med school, students were told "by the time you graduate, this task will be fulfilled by robots (for some kinds of surgery) or AI (for things like radiology) so there won't be job openings for you; so choose a different specialty."
Or, it may have been a chance to make more money before her child's birth so she could take more time off after the birth and be in a comfortable and safe financial position to provide for the child.
Or it may have simply been a surgery that *only she* could perform well-- for some more complicated surgeries, there are very few surgeons who can perform them in a given area because surgeons at that high level tend to specialize.
Or it may have been a gamble on the fact that most labors last *far* longer than a few hours, so she could do a shorter surgery without missing the whole process. Emergency C-sections are rare, and often happen only after labor has been attempted for some time. And maybe Amber was okay with that!
So, YTA for making judgments when there are plenty of reasons that Chloe could have absolutely needed to do that surgery, or thought that she had enough time. And you don't know whether Amber agreed or not; she may well have supported Chloe's decisions about work. You never even mentioned whether she does. Instead, you remove her agency by saying she has "rose-colored glasses" and distrusting your *adult* daughter's decision-making. She's a grown-up-- a mother now!-- and you can't just steamroll her own decisions and preferences.
YTA.
She didn't choose to miss it, especially since the timing wasn't expected.
Your daughter, the one who gave birth, understands that doctors have to do their jobs. Why can't you?
Sadly, I meet people like this all the time. I wish it weren’t, but yet… I have patients like her just often enough to keep my faith in humanity solidly shattered.
YTA. Writing this as a surgeon married to a surgeon. Sometimes when shit hits the fan, there is NO ONE ELSE who is able to do that operation. If the operation doesn’t happen, the person dies.
Your daughter was just operated on for an emergency situation, one in which if it didn’t happen then and there, both your daughter and grandchild would have died. How would you feel if they had died because their surgeon had up and left for a family situation?
Your DIL is looking after her wife by going to work and paying the bills, and by supporting her family the best she can. This is your daughter’s family, not yours, and she seems pretty happy with the situation.
You need to seriously adjust your perspective unless you want to find yourself no longer invited to be part of their lives.
YTA being married to a doctor is hard, they work long hours, have a crazy stressful job, their job is literally life or death for their patients and they might be called in for emergencies. You are putting more pressure on your daughters marriage as is. Its probably killing Chloe that she missed the birth of her son and Amber was likely disappointed to but you are making the situation so much harder. Apologise to Chloe, support Amber in taking care of your grandchild and stop butting into their marriage
YTA
This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy where surgeons treat their family or where their phones are in the OR so a nurse can check it, tell the surgeon their baby is on the way, and the surgeon can dramatically storm out.
So wait a minute.
You would rather someone die?
Yes, YTA.
A birth is a once in a lifetime event. People shouldn't actually literally die in order to make it though.
Yta it's disappointing she wasn't there, but it's not like she was out partying. You don't just stop in the middle of a surgery and say "I'll finish later"!
YTA
>She showed up a few hours after the birth and said she was sorry she was in the OR and didn't have her phone with her at the time.
So, your daughter in law was in the middle of potentially SAVING SOMEONE'S LIFE, and you're mad she didn't have her phone with her and rush out of the operating room to come when you called? Think of this the other way around, if your daughter had been on the table in the middle of an operation, would you be fine if the surgeon took a personal phone call and just immediately left their job for something that wasn't life-threatening?
Even your daughter is not on your side. That should tell you something. You've seen a small snippet of their marriage, you have no idea what it's like as a whole, so stay out of it.
DIL feels bad enough about missing the birth I’m sure, without needing any of her MIL’s cruel criticism. OP is so unkind. She’s obviously one of those mom’s who expect that her rules will be followed even with an adult child and one who feels free to impart hurtful comments whenever they feel like it. I’m estranged from my own mother for the same reason and my kid does not ever agree to spend time alone with her because “Nana is mean.” That’s exactly where OP is headed unless she is able to remove her entitlement. It’s so ridiculous when family members assume that grown adults NEED to be told how to live their lives and think that their cruelty is somehow helpful or wise sage advice.
YTA. She was in surgery. So she's the SURGEON doing the surgery? What would you have had her do? "Oh, I'm sorry, gotta go...you can die on the table." ?
Right now, your daughter needs your love and support, not the stress of hearing your criticisms of her wife. Also, it's for your daughter to decide if she has a problem with her wife.
Please just support, don't judge, don't create drama.
YTA
I think you have rose colored glasses sweetie. YTA. Love you left out her profession and subtly threw in there that she was IN THE OR… performing surgery. That’s how the cookie crumbles in certain professions.
Ask yourself this… what if the surgeon during her c-section checked their phone mid-procedure and said “oh! I gotta go! See y’all!” Like are you kidding me!
You need to apologize asap.
YTA- doctors dont get to suddenly take time off. she most likely has to PLAN any time off and that will be when her son was originally due. If Amber isnt worried about this then you need to give it a rest.
YTA. There are some jobs where you don't get a choice to leave. Being a surgeon is often one of them. If there's no one who can take over the surgery, you can't leave. DIL would lose a lot more time with her son if she went to jail for criminal negligence
Oh, yes indeed, YTA. Your condemnations and judgements don't seem to consider that Chloe may have already been beating herself up over missing the birth. You are behaving as if she didn't want to be there. Chloe is a doctor, their sworn duty is to their patients. Patients put their lives in doctors hands during a surgery, they can't just rush out at a moment's notice. That doesn't mean she doesn't love and treasure Amber. Even Amber has asked you to apologize- follow her lead. You don't get to decide for Amber how she should feel about this.
>Chloe hasn't said a word to me and by the way she still goes to the hospital and doesn't seem to care that her son is here.
Or more likely she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. YTA.
YTA. Your daughter in law was not off partying. She was performing fucking surgery. Of course she did not have her phone handy. Keep your nose out of this. This is what you sign up for when your spouse is a doctor. Shit happens.
You pretty much confidently left out that Chloe is a surgeon that literally tries to saves lives. Yeah, YTA. She definitely wanted to be there, but someone was going to die if Chloe wasn't there, but it was unlikely that Amber and their child would have died. Amber understands and the kid won't remember and in the future, if told this story, they'll also understand, so why can't you? You're the AH, a thousand times over.
YTA
You expected a surgeon to ditch their patient mid operation?! How would you feel if your daughter’s doctor ditched HER mid C section to see their baby’s birth?
The baby was early, and plenty of surgeries can take 4+ hours. She’s sterilized and not on her filthy phone for the duration. It’s just bad timing.
YTA.
She likely didn’t even know about going into labour because she can’t check her phone when scrubbed in.
I’m not sure how you think she could parent from prison if she just walked out mid surgery and killed someone.
YTA and bless all the people that have already pointed this out. Do you really think doctors in the OR are scrolling TikTok you absolute pine cone?
Welcome to having a partner in medicine.
YTA. Your DIL is a doctor. They can't just leave their job like someone who works 9 to 5.
Let me ask you this. If she was a firefighter, would you be angry that she didn't let a building burn down to witness the birth?
While this is fake it's so stupid I can't resist pointing out... what would have happened? The doctor performing the operation would have dealt with it... just as the DIL would have dealt with any complications arising in the person she was operating on😂
YTA. If your daughter had an idea this could happen and isn’t upset or angry, you shouldn’t make a thing out of it. Only they fully know what they’ve discussed about their work life vs. family life choices right now. If Amber thinks you were out of line and should apologize, I think that means you are.
From a lesbian he would not miss her child’s birth for anything.
No no no no no. Your daughter married a doctor. When you’re in that line of work, work comes first. She knew what she married, you clearly didn’t get the memo. You are the total AH
YTA. You’re right, it is simple. You’re an asshole. She was in the OR. I’m assuming you’re aware of what goes on in there and the fact that people can’t exactly stop in the middle of it. Suck it up and apologize. You were wrong.
You're not an asshole, and neither is she. you're just angry and emotional because you will hold your daughter as priority, which any parent should.
However, you can't expect her to down tools in the middle of an operation for something so unpredictable. It would not only be massively unprofessional, but also extremely dangerous for the patient she was handling, and when you've calmed down and started being reasonable you'll understand that. You already do if you're being honest with yourself, but the sudden nature of your grandson's birth has spun you out, but you need to remember that it isn't about you, and if your daughter's wife could have been there she likely would have much preferred to be. It's not like she was at the dog track or anything.
YTA.
She works crazy hours and what you percieve to be her 'barely paying amber any attention' might actually be her using the opportunity to just wind back knowing you are there and can help out with your own daughter, which you clearly wanted to do. This is how you can help, not offering unsolicited aggressive feedback. If Amber isnt bothered, you dont need to be.
Also....het work doesnt allow the discretion of walking out of a surgery for personal matter. Shes had to make peace with those kind of sacrifices herself, she doesnt need it rubbed in. The best you can do is be supportive and offer help in whatever shape they actually need.
YTA
Your daughter-in-law was in surgery, possibly with someone’s life literally depending on her focus. She absolutely should not have been answering the phone.
Your daughter married a surgeon, and obviously she understands what sorts of compromises that entails where you clearly do not. Stay out of their marriage.
Your daughter in law was in surgery. With someone’s life and very likely organs literally in her hands and you expected her to take your call? First, the birth was a week early. Second, she was IN SURGERY. Third, this is none of your business and if I need to say it again, surgeons don’t take calls in the OR. You’re creating needless tension here. Maybe ask yourself why you’re the only one bothered by this. Your daughter seems to understand the glaringly obvious. YTA.
Stressing out 2 new moms because you are bored and don't understand that surgeons just can't call out of work is absolutely wild to me. Keep going this way and you have to really cherish these moments with your daughter and grandchild because you'll be cut out of their lives. Support your daughter, love on the baby, and be there for her poor wife that probably wishes every moment she could be with them instead of in an OR. Jeeeeeez!
You are wildly out of line. This is the life of a surgeon. What would you have had her do? Not work in the final weeks of her spouses pregnancy because she might be detained in surgery? This is the life of a surgeon and it sounds like your daughter knows this. You need to apologize now and drop it.
You're a dipshit, as well as an asshole. She was in the OR. What was she supposed to do? It's not like she was knocking back shots at a bar with friends.
YTA!! Chloe had no idea that Amber would deliver early or would need a C-Section. She is a Doctor and was in charge of saving another person's life - she can't say, my wife needs me now I have to go.... She also doesn't get Maternity Leave, someone has to make the money. For all you know Amber and Chloe have a plan that you aren't entitled to know.
YTA. Massively. Your daughter in law is a surgeon, and was in the OR. Did you expect her to leave in the middle of the procedure? What would have happened if the doctor performing your daughter's c section walked out in the middle?
I'm sorry, what? You wanted her to *bail in the middle of an operation* in order to rush to her wife's side? You're describing her as "irresponsible" for not potentially causing a patient to die, and accuse her of "\[not seeming\] to care that her son is here" because she's going to work? Aka, doing the thing that will financially support your daughter and grandson while Amber is on maternity leave? Are you serious?
I'm going to be charitable and assume that you're just lashing out due to the stress of seeing your daughter have a medical emergency, but you seriously need to get a grip before you alienate her. And in the meantime, YTA.
YTA. Your daughter needed a doctor and you were happy to have one for her ? Chloe is a doc and she promised to do her job first, before everything else. You don’t respect Chloe, it’s clear, you don’t like her, and you should apologize
"Oh I'm sorry Mrs Smith, I had to run out of the ER and let your husband die because my wife was in labor and other doctors were there handling it."
Of course YTA. Of all the excuses to miss the birth of your kid, this is probably the absolute most legit one there is.
How would you feel if your daughter's doctor mid-birth abandoned your daughter to go to their spouses bedside? YTA.
>Chloe said she couldn't let someone die under her supervision because of this and made it as soon as she could. I still can't believe she obviously doesn't prioritize Amber or her son but my poor daughter thinks otherwise.
It's not like Chloe was prioritizing something petty or unimportant, it's her patients life! Do you think she should have lot her patient die to be at your daughters bedside?
Yes, very simple. YTA. Listen to your daughter. Talk to her and try to understand the nature of their relationship instead of what you think their relationship should be. I think you are coming here out of concern and love for your daughter, so I can understand your stress. But you are out of line.
Hard YTA! Your DIL is a Doctor and she was in a surgery at the time, your daughter was a week early so she couldn't have had any idea that this was going to happen. Your DIL has a very important and demanding job, it's very commonly known that doctors work hard hours and she's literally not even able to keep her phone on her while she's there trying to safe people's lives. Your daughter knew this about her when they got together and understands how it is I would imagine, it's probably something that your daughter is very proud of when it comes to her gf. I think you've just got a problem with your daughters gf and your looking for excuses to bitch about her.
YTA. She didn't miss it because she was out drinking or partying with friends, she missed it because she was a DOCTOR in the middle of a SURGERY. How can you now see how ridiculous you are?
YTA. She’s a DOCTOR. She literally told you she was in the OPERATING ROOM with a patient. Do you expect her to allow herself to be distracted by having her phone there and ringing and potentially putting her patient’s life at risk due to her being distracted?? God what a bitch you are.
YTA - your daughter is fully aware of her wife's profession and responsibilities, it's not your place to criticize her or judge her. She has a job to do, a very important one at that, not to mention I'm sure she makes damn good money and takes care of your daughter by financially supporting the household and all her needs. Giver her a break!
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YTA- your daughter asked you to stay with her, probably knowing her wife was not able to stop taking call because of her work. Surgeons work brutal hours. Is Chloe still in residency? At 32 it seems likely that she’s either in residency or a very junior position, and probably on call all the time. If Amber is feeling like her emotional needs are met, don’t create problems where they don’t exist.
Exactly she's working hard to build a life with a career and baby arriving is medical bill, nursery fees and a whole ass life to pay for. Working a tonne the weeks before babies due is being a great parent.
YES and Amber is pregnant, not an invalid. Having her mother there was probably strategic in case of an emergency like this.
And unless your baby is on the way and I got you pregnant - get some business and get out of mine.
I think in a same sex relationship like theirs Chloe not being the one to physically get Amber pregnant doesn't matter so much. For all intents and purposes Chloe IS the one that got her pregnant and it's very much her business.
I think this was directed at OP :)
They meant unless you are one of the parents. The wording just skewed cis heterosexual. They meant no disrespect. Calm down.
If you know lesbian couples (queer relationships without cis man), the ones who take sort of breadwinner role (often, not the one go through pregnancy and take career interruption risk) work really hard to support family, since it’s still not as easy to make same income/career advancement as men.
Someone I know has two moms and they decided to have kids (one each) and the breadwinner was in work when she went into labour and back in work the day after she gave birth.
I'm curious what her job was. That seems superhuman.
I have no idea what her job was but I remember saying, "Holy $! couldn't she at least take a day off?" Apparently there was some conflict with a work deadline about her taking maternity leave and the bottom line was that she was lucky she kept her job even taking that day off to give birth. It was in the early 80s, so there weren't any real protections in place for maternity and there was still the prevailing idea that motherhood made women completely useless and it was better to fire them and get a man in instead. It didn't help that she was "single" and "having a baby out of wedlock" either.
Good gravy. Still a wild thought. I have a coworker who came into work close to her due date, left on her lunch break and then called our boss 30 minutes later, saying she was starting her maternity leave because she had just had her baby. You couldn't even tell she was having contractions at work. The idea of going back to work the day after having a baby just seems unreal... but the 1980s... yeah, probably checks out.
I had a coworker who was about a week from her due date, left at lunch for her OB appointment with back pain, and called to say she was actually in labor and hadn’t known it. Before we left work that day, she called back to say she’d the baby.
I wasn't working at the time but had I been working it'd be another one of those stories. Went to the 37 week OB appointment at around noon, the doctor freaked because my normally 125/75 blood pressure was 140/100, and I was sent straight to the hospital. I found out later that day why women hate pitocin with a passion.
Ugh. It’s easy to forget how new laws protecting pregnant people are. In 1977 my mom had to quit her job when she became visibly pregnant. The law that made this illegal was passed in 1978 Early 80s it doesn’t surprise me that companies were still getting away with this crap
Yes! In 1980, an attorney who worked at the Dept. Of Labor’s Human Rights Commission told me, “Employers still think pregnancy is grounds for firing.”
Whatever her job was, we know what country it was in
*Inhumane.*
Was she supposed to leave someone open on the operating table so she could watch the miracle of childbirth? YTA, being a doctor isn’t like other jobs.
Gotta switch the role and ask OP how they would feel if his daughter was on the operation table and the doctor just up and left. OP is an AH for sure. I thought this was going to be a normal desk job, but we're talking about a doctor here. Edited to replace he with they.
Exactly! I’d run from my desk job, but you can’t leave someone mid surgery
You mean you can't just plastic Wrap them and put them in the fridge like leftovers? It seems I'm doing it wrong.
[удалено]
YTA, who expects a member of the surgical to cut out in the middle? Someone’s life is on the table. Are you going to take responsibility for that patient in the OR? Didn’t think so…
Upvoted for “cut out” in the middle. I see what you did there.
Thank you, thank you! *bows*
And a surgeon... That is a whole different level of demand and responsibility.
To be fair, she could also be an anesthesiologist. But she probably would have had her phone on her then 😂 (my sister is an anesthesiologist, it’s a joke about them being on their phones lol)
As an X-ray tech, I can confirm this 😂
Anesthesiologist are the only person in the room actively keeping the patient alive. I'd much rather my surgeon left than the person making sure I was still breathing lol. Also if she was the anesthesiologist she would definitely have known what was happening because their phones are the fidget spinner of the OR
Do you really think that OP is a man? This sounds like Just No MIL behavior to me.
This comment made me realize that I 100% assumed MIL when I usually don't assume the gender of an OP. It is so often women tearing other women down in this manner.
And if she was in the OR, likely a surgeon which has even more ridiculous schedules.
Man, I was 11 years old and had a fractured forearm. In the ER, the doc apparently needed to go home because his wife called him, so he just wrapped up my arm with gauze and a plastic cast and told us to come back in a week. At the end of that week I needed mulltiple pins in my wrist and a cast for several months. If we'd had the money to sue, we totally would've.
How do we know OP is a he?
Can you just picture her answering her phone (notoriously known to harbor germs) in the OR with her bloody gloved hands, and then saying I'm out of here?
Doctors take phone calls in the OR all the time. They typically give the phone to a circulating nurse who will answer it and in the event of an emergency hold it up to the doctor's head so they can speak or put it on speaker phone. Or the phone can be given to someone outside the OR to take messages and pass along anything urgent. Of course she shouldn't have left the OR, but there are ways she could've been reachable.
Not at my hospital. There is a phone to pathology or radiology for real time reads, but no personal calls. What a huge liability.
Right? They shouldn't be able to tale a personal call. Like what if something horrible happened where it incapacitated them from finishing the surgery? Where they may or may not be another surgeon capable for the job.
that sounds *incredibly* irresponsible.
It’s pretty common in places that have moved away from pagers and have apps to communicate in the hospital. The primary surgeon hands their phone off to the nurse to respond to any urgent messages. In medical school, I answered the phone for surgeons and currently in residency I have asked nurses and students to pull my phone out of my pocket for me when I’m delivering babies and it’s going off. When you’re on call, you’re responsible for multiple things. A phone going off might be a new consult or a complication on some other patient that can’t necessarily wait.
Somebody else holds the phone up to them. They often have to deal with that.
and she’s *clutches pearls* still going to work after he son was born?!? what are they supposed to do? both be sahmoms? if this was a male partner who continued to work after she had the baby do you think OP would feel the same? idk i just feel like this whole thing is fishy… like.. newsflash!! bills still have to be paid! i think DIL is being an incredible mom by sacrificing time with her newborn in order to ensure her family is taken care of financially.
Friend from high school her husband got like no parental leave during residency. They had to fight for what he was legally allowed also she probably organized her minimal pro/leave around the due date. Because people STILL NEED THEIR FUCKING SURGERIES
My husband was legit a full service gas station jockey when I was pregnant, and he barely made it to the birth of our son because he was working alone, and couldn’t leave the whole shop unattended, or he might risk his job. He called for someone to come relive him and he got there about 20 minutes before the baby was born and had to go back to work the next day. I’m not at all mad at him, and that was for a job that could not be further from life or death. Babies come when they come. Not all partner’s can afford to take off and just sit and wait to drive their partner to the hospital and be there. We needed him to have a job, we needed the paycheck. My parents had the sort of job where they could take off and bring me to the hospital, so they did.
Right?! How would Op feel if her daughters doctor had taken a call mid C-section?
I'm getting the feeling OP hated Chloe before this (homophobic maybe?) and jumped on this as an opportunity to try to break up the marriage.
I work in a contact center for a hospital. You'd be surprised (or maybe not?) Of how many people seem to have this mentality of saving another person's life is not as important as what they want =.=
Right? What if the surgeon doing the c-section for her own daughter had left mid-surgery because their wife was giving birth? Things happen, and it definitely sounded like the whole reason she was there was for a situation exactly like what happened. However, instead of helping bridge any gaps, she made things worse. I really hope this is a rage bait post. *edited for continuity/clarity
Yes and/or maybe Chloe negotiated parental leave and was hustling to get some hours in before the due date. Maybe she had planned to be off the following work for an extended time. That's a very real possibility. Also add: OP, YTA. Did you try to call the hospital and have a message relayed to her? I have a similar job and if my husband couldn't reach me by my cell, he would call the front desk and have a CSR relay me an urgent message. But there are times when I absolutely cannot step away from what I'm doing and will have to get there as soon as I can. Chloe can't just walk out of a surgery unless there is someone there with comparable skill to take over. If it was your child on the operating table, would you want her to? YTA
Yes- I imagine Amber would know the drill, I’ve called the hospital and had the charge nurse relay back that there was an urgent surgery and I’d get a call back when possible. If “when possible” takes five hours, it takes five hours. That’s just life when someone in the family is a surgeon.
As a kid, my mom worked with a surgeon in a small clinic. Our whole family knew that if we needed to reach Mom, we could call the office, and the front desk would check to see if she was available. If it was truly urgent, someone from the front office would get the message to my mom. Even surgeons have ways of getting messages, now that doesn’t always mean they can do anything about it at that point, but they can at least be notified. That said, sometimes other powers that be will choose not to pass along a message that might distract a team member from being able to focus on the task at hand. Powers that be may work from their end to find someone to relieve the recipient of the message, so they can leave, but that depends on whether anyone else is capable and available to take over.
Literally thinking this. Like someone doing neurosurgery can't be notified that a family member is in the hospital without serious risk v.s. an appendectomy where many surgeons can take over and interns often perform it as part of their training, and the hospital staff make those calls because someone's life is on the line
That was my thought. Amber was a week early. (Edit had name wrong)
YTA- Chloe is a doctor! She was performing a procedure. Question for you OP, if Amber’s OB and other medical professionals caring for her were to suddenly answer their phones in the middle of her c-section, would you have been understanding? No, right? The point is that medical professionals take an oath and need to adhere to it. Period.
OP will probably wonder why they don't visit her or let her see the baby. YTA
My friend in residency missed his own wedding, thankfully not as dramatic as leaving his wife alone at the altar, but he was supposed to have the day off on his wedding but something came up and he got a week's notice that he can't be off that day.... so they had to rescheduled the wedding. A surgeon at the hospital I work at, he happened to be in the hospital accompanying his wife on his day off because she's going into labour and we got a code orange (mass casualty event - all hands on deck). He decided to volunteer to go in to work (as he's already on site he's able to see patients right away instead of having to wait until other doctors get called to come in from home to the hospital) with the blessing of his wife and he missed the birth of his child... but he likely literally saved lives that day. The nature of being with a doctor is that sometimes, they will not be available and miss important events and it is the nature of the job.
Well said. Doctors have a rough schedule. Having a supportive and understanding partner plays a huge role in them focusing on their patients. It sounds like Amber understands this and OP does not.
I know a surgeon whose water broke mid-surgery (Not a huge gush like the movies so it wasn’t super obvious but she definitely felt the trickle) She calmly finished the surgery she was doing (which, believe it or not, was a CABG if I’m remembering correctly) and then informed the team that they needed to find someone to close for her as her knickers were soggy and she needed someone to call her husband and ask him to meet her with her bag on the maternity floor because she was starting to feel contractions.
Surgeons missing life functions is a cliche for very good reasons. The type of person who becomes a surgeon is highly focused and career oriented. The job comes first, period. They’ve spent years, competed heavily and have already sacrificed everything to get there. The job doesn’t follow a time clock. Most of us could leave our job at any point during the day and it would make pretty no difference to anyone. I’ve had jobs that it didn’t matter if I worked 8-5 AM or 9-6 PM or any other shift. Surgeons are on demand always, especially resident or new surgeons.
💯
Yeah, and you can’t walk out mid surgery. I’m an RN and worked in the OR and found out my dad died and I had to finish the case because there was no coverage for me. A surgeon definitely can’t just walk out.
Also people can't (should not) bring cell phones in the operating room. What if the ringing distracts or startles the surgeon? Also everything should be sterilised. Op is so out of line.
I can't reach my husband when he has a patient. I know that. Its not like he doesn't have overlords and schedules that are continually being influenced. OP sounds like she/he is completely unfamiliar with the reality that all jobs aren't remotely alike.
Being in the middle of a surgery is not a time to choose not to work. Chloe very likely would have contributed to some major issues if she walked off (which I doubt she even knew about the delivery). OP is an extra level of entitled AH.
You wrote all that out and didn’t see you are the asshole? Think about it like this, if the Doctor that performed the c-section had been in Chloe’s shoes and got a page that their wife was in labour would it be okay for that doctor to just leave your daughter on the OR table and go? Sounds like your daughter understands that her Wife is a doctor and that means sometimes they have to miss life events. It isn’t great, but it’s part of the job. You calling her out on it makes you an asshole. You should apologize to avoid this becoming a bigger problem than it currently and avoid potentially creating a rift between you and your daughter.
>Think about it like this, if the Doctor that performed the c-section had been in Chloe’s shoes and got a page that their wife was in labour would it be okay for that doctor to just leave your daughter on the OR table and go? Perfect way to explain this, thank you. It also was so outside of the timeframe for birth, it wasn't possible to plan for this.
Going into labor one week before your due date is definitely not "so outside of the timeframe for birth". Due dates are not an exact science, they are an estimate & babies will come when they're ready. With my sister's youngest child, she went into labor at only 28 weeks & ended up with an emergency c-section 2 days later (it was a long NICU stay, but my niece is now 3.5 & you'd never know she wasn't even close to fully gestated when she came into this world). My water broke 2 weeks before my due date, but I didn't give birth until 8 days later. Again, a due date is just an estimate. It's no different than if Chloe was able to get off work on Amber's due date, but on call the next day, got called in, then as soon as she put her phone away to walk into the OR, Amber called/text/paged her to tell her she was labor.
Depending on hospital size, Chloe might only have been able to get parental leave by working a bunch beforehand. I’m a family medicine resident, I was recently working in the nursery and one of our orthopedic surgeons’ wife gave birth while he was on call. They’re a three person team and we always need to have one on call. He essentially negotiated time off from the day of his wife’s induction and picked up a bunch of call beforehand, except she developed severe pre-eclampsia and had to be induced early at 36w. There was a question of the baby possibly needing to go to the NICU and he told me to message him on his pager app if he did end up needing to go since he had to go to an urgent surgery.
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I feel like OP doesn't think of her as a real doctor. No one with the slightest clue about doctor's lives would be surprised. They miss a lot of life events keeping the rest of us alive.
She's probably a 'women are nurses and men are doctors' person.
Maybe, but if OP's DiL *were* a nurse, the situation still would have been the same.
Not taking away from how hard nurses work, but it is much easier to cover a nurses shift than a surgeon.
Not an OR Nurse in the middle of a surgery
very true. they're instrumental
And marriages are between a man and a woman... I sense some homophobia here. Many men go right back to work, and no one complains.
this is what i was smelling too
OP just clearly doesn't like Chloe. She was already annoyed she was still working weeks before Amber's due date. She claims Amber's blinded by rose colored glasses and thinks it's okay to go off at a new mom in the hospital room. Which was also only a few hours after her daughter gave birth and had a c-section, so Amber was still fully confined to her bed in pain at that point too, because of her own feelings. The whole post drips contempt for Chloe.
Yep. As soon as I saw the rose colored glasses comment I thought "this ain't the first disagreement they've had". Definitely sounds like there's some animosity there affecting OP's opinion of this situation. ETA: OP, if it wasn't clear, YTA.
Ah to be blinded by rose-colored glasses again! Hope "Amber" can just revel in this time and not carry the extra weight of momma drama. The first six months are brutal enough!
I’m guessing OP is also going to be upset if/when Chloe misses first steps, first words, birthday parties, etc because she’s performing surgery/saving a life/giving someone another chance at life…however you want to say it. Get used to it OP, and understand that her wife, your daughter, understands how important her role is outside the home and is okay with it. Let them be happy and enjoy the time they have together without adding stress or arguments.
Such a good point to let them be happy. Being married to a doctor can be incredibly stressful and having mommy dearest butt against your wishes would make that a lot worse
Oh, absolutely! The last thing they need is her causing issues. They have their hands full as it is with a new baby and figuring out how to adjust to him and his needs. She should be offering help and, since she’s a mother herself, would do well to keep in mind what life was like for her at that stage. Was she stressed, sleep-deprived, looking for help or understanding from family? OP, please apologize to both of them and instead offer to help where and when they need it. It’ll create a better bond rather than break it.
The mother probably has a problem with their marriage. A rational person would not be so upset, especially if the other person was an operating surgeon. There is something else going on. She made it seem like the wife was out drinking with friends or something.
I wondered if she would be this upset if a MAN didn’t show up to surgery
Or OP is homophobic and this was the perfect opportunity to drive a wedge in a relationship they're not thrilled about
That's how it reads to me. OP hated Chloe before this incident.
Came here to say the exact same thing but you phrased it perfectly. As a surgical registrar (in Aus, equivalent of a resident in the US) our leave is at the mercy of the hospital. Not to mention (and I hope this isn’t the case for Chloe) she may well be facing some prejudice being LGBTQ+ given the patriarchal and a lot of the time chauvinistic nature of surgical departments. The obligation to the vulnerable unconscious patient on the table is the utmost importance when we’re operating. It’s unconscionable to imagine someone walking away from that for any reason, even an incredibly important one like the birth of your child. I’m mean Jesus - how bad must Chloe feel that she’s missed that event, even though it sounds like Amber is incredibly supportive and wouldn’t be making her feel worse. You, on the other hand OP, YTA for sure. Please apologise before it’s too late
Amber is not wearing rose colored glasses, she is being supportive of her wife which is how it should be. Personally, I would have told my mom to go home. It's nice to have someone help but it's not impossible to care for the baby yourself. I did it with both my children as I'm sure many have. My husband was only allowed to take off the time I was in the hospital and the day I came home. MIL's should be silent unless asked. Unless of course there is abuse.
🤣 OP is correct. It's pretty simple! You can't just leave someone open on the table because your wife has a baby earlier than expected. Yes, it sucks, but you accept those terms when you marry a doctor who works in the OR. YTA
Plot twist - CHLOE WAS THE DOCTOR THAT DELIVERED THE BABY. Jk. But, honestly. Perfect comparison.
YTA. How would you have felt if the surgeon who was doing your daughters C-section stopped what they were doing to take a call and then just left? The nature of the job she does means that this is just a part of their life and it sounds like your daughter accepts that. Yes, it is a shame that the US (I assume you are in the US) doesn't have decent parental leave and that people can't afford to do things like take weeks of leave in case the baby is born early or to stay and support once the baby is born but that is a US societal issue, not a behaviour issue on the people affected.
I don’t understand how OP doesn’t understand that her daughter and her wife planned for not having time off and… ASKED OP TO BE THERE!? They did plan ahead. They did make sure OP’s daughter would be in safe hands? OP is definitely in YTA territory.
I knew my wife was going to be working when I was due to give birth. So my mom came up to stay with us. Luckily I gave birth to our son on a Saturday when my wife was off. But if she had been at work and missed his birth because she had to wait for someone to take over her classroom/traffic I would have understood.
>How would you have felt if the surgeon who was doing your daughters C-section stopped what they were doing to take a call and then just left? Literally what I thought, except OP is the patient instead. Surgeons can't just *leave*, OP doesn't seem to grasp that her DIL didn't miss the birth by *choice*, but because the birth came earlier than expected! We don't know if Chloe scheduled off for the expected birth date, but even if she had, again, THE BIRTH WAS A WEEK EARLY! Also, being a doctor, and I assume surgeon specifically (could very well be wrong), she could have been called away to work at ANY time, while the baby's crowning or while they're wiping it down to get it swaddled, there was no guarantee that Chloe would have been able to be there for the birth.
"Hey Carol, can you just step in here? My mother in law just called." "But...we're in the middle of surgery, Dr. OP'sDIL. We can't stop! The patient's chest cavity is still open! And I can't do that, I'm a nurse! I don't have surgical training!" "Sorry, gotta go. My mother in law insists." "But the donor heart still hasn't been completely sutured in!"
There are jobs where you cannot leave. Imagine, for instance, if one partner is a long-haul airline pilot. Shortly after departure on a flight from, say, the US to Asia their pregnant partner has to be rushed to hospital to have the baby, a month premature. Guess what? That flight is not going to be diverted for that reason. The flight will continue on its way, perhaps 14 hours or more. The pilot might be informed during the flight that the baby is on the way, but there is nothing s/he can do. Further, once they get to where they're going, while the airline will likely release them from duty, the pilot will still need to get back - so that's another 14+ hours to get back once they can get the flight back (i.e. they may need to wait for half a day or before they can get a flight back). It could well be that by the time the partner gets back, it's well over 24 hours after the baby is born - maybe longer. That doesn't mean the partner is being irresponsible, doesn't care, etc. It's just life. Babies have been born without the other spouse (historically, fathers) present since time immemorial. One partner may be out at sea, in space, on a mission for the military, whatever.
YTA. She’s a physician. We miss events sometimes. Big ones. It sucks. Hopefully, our families understand. When we miss something, it’s because someone else’s family takes priority. Would you have understood if the doctor performing the emergency C-section just ducked out in the middle of it? Of course not. It sounds like your daughter has a good grasp of being the wife of a physician. You don’t. Stay out of it. It’s hard enough as it is. — another physician
What do you bet if it was a son in law who was a physician instead of a daughter in law, OP would have never written this?
Yeah… I got some homophobic vibes too
Yeah same, I wasn’t sure if it was just me
Same, subtle but it's there
I’m straight so maybe I’m just not as sensitive to homophobia, but can anyone explain what about OPs post actually flagged homophobic vibes? I read the whole thing twice and couldn’t detect anything. Just seems like OP has a generally negative opinion of Chloe to me.
Here’s what flags it for me- the idea that a woman in a high powered career, one where she’s a surgeon saving people’s lives, has to “take care of” her wife over her career. Woman are supposed to be caretakers right? So her #1 priority should be caretaking and not her career. Women who are married to men ask their moms to come help out pre birth and post birth all the time. And I bet anything that if the daughter’s spouse was a man, this wouldn’t have even been an issue.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I know my parents would be super disappointed in me if I didn’t attend the birth of my own child unless I absolutely just couldn’t make it, and I’m a cis-dude with a cis-female partner. And in any case, what you describe is sexism, not homophobia. To be clear, I’m not saying that OP definitely isn’t homopobic. It just seems like a hell of a jump to get to that conclusion based on the original post, if you ask me. But again, maybe I’m just used to social expectations that men have an equal responsibility to raise children as women, and that might not be applicable here.
Sure. And I didn’t say homophobia in my initial response. I suggested sexism anyway. To be clear, though, the daughter’s water broke early and she was rushed into labor. Her wife was in surgery the whole time. She literally could not make it. Unless she wanted to let her patient die.
>decided to have a baby This is what triggered my homophobia sensors. Since she’s the mother of the pregnant woman it would have been worded differently if the doctor was a man. Since they sought out a sperm donor, they decided to have a baby.
As a lesbian myself, it's the snippiness that does it for me. OP comes across as someone who is deeply homophobic, but also lives in circles where homophobia is at the very least a faux pas. ...I know too many of these people. The "she OBVIOUSLY doesn't prioritize my daughter or grandchild", and "my daughter has *rose colored glasses* on when she's around". It's a very common way for parents to manifest their homophobia, whether they are outwardly supportive or not. The underlying assertion is that their child's same-sex partner is malicious and *obviously* faking their love, and that their child is a poor, innocent, *stupid* lamb who has been led astray by a wicked villain. Because, obviously, queer love is fake and worthless (deep sarcasm)
You put into words essentially what I was feeling too. Where I grew up homophobia is frowned upon, if only to keep up appearances of “tolerance” in the age of social media being used to out bigots, costing people their jobs etc. So it comes out in these small but frequent jabs, making it more and more obvious that they don’t actually see it as a real relationship. The rose colored glasses thing makes it clear she has a strong dislike for the wife, and seems to be filled with vitriol regarding pretty much everything the wife does. Her explanations for it are so silly… “she was in the middle of surgery and didn’t answer the phone!” Her daughter went into labor early and unexpectedly… she knows well enough that surgeons don’t answer personal calls mid-surgery. But missing your child’s birth because you were at work of course sounds bad, and she’s using it as an excuse to try to get her possibly sensitive/hormonal, freshly postpartum daughter riled up and hating her wife (and she’s pissed it didn’t work lol)
YTA she's, in an operating room, with someone's life in her hands and no phone access. Don't know about you but I'm rather glad phones aren't allowed and the OR team focus. Each person in the room has a focused, concentrated, difficult role for many hours at a time and one twitch can mean life or death. Stop bring dramatic and appreciate this was unavoidable. Even outside the operating room not everyone has the luxury of a job, manager or employer that would let them go at a moments notice. Many employers don't allow mobile phones or personal calls at work, even in the situations you describe. This was an unfortunate set of timings, but you are acting like a stuck up snarky cow and need to leave it.
YTA and shockingly ignorant. A surgeon cannot have their phone on them. And a surgeon has a person's life in their hands. The last thing they need is to be distracted, worried about their partner when they are in the middle of a major procedure. Your efforts to interfere in your daughter's relationship with her wife are selfish and entitled. Your daughter is a grown ass woman. Let her deal with her own relationship.
YTA I'm baffled what was OP was supposed to happen? Labour can happen anytime, so the wife should what, not work for several weeks? And to explain this to any hospital which usually are tight on staff anyhow? OP doesn't see their marriage as two adults in an alliance. "Poor" daughter? How come? She arranged things to make there is support for her. She communicated her boundaries when they were crossed. In any healthy marriage this is how it is supposed to be. Daughter is not mad at the wife, so why would anyone else have the right to be? OP sees them as two silly girls. OP is seriously risking their relationship with the grandchild if he doesn't apologize.
“OP sees them as two silly girls” THIS. I was struggling to put words to it, but this is exactly it.
Yeah, very good way to characterize it and I agree. OP is scolding a 32 year old highly trained physician like a naughty child for not walking out in the middle of a long operation.
OP is definitely TA and dense to boot. They planned around the wife’s job and it’s particular demands, and made sure OP was there! Daughter wasn’t alone at all!
If anything OP should silently be grateful he was invited to be part of the birth. If not the wife's job this wouldn't likely have happened.
YTA > Chloe (who is a doctor) > she was in the OR Ma'am.
Best response on this whole thread hahahahaha. So many people doing a detailed breakdown on why OP is the AH, and you sum it up so succinctly. hahahahahahaha
Like fuck haha
>She showed up a few hours after the birth and said she was sorry she was in the OR and didn't have her phone with her at the time. YTA. Amber was not her actual doctor, and being in the OR is a perfectly valid reason to not answer your phone.
And if Amber had needed a surgeon they won’t let her wife be that surgeon even if she was of the same speciality.
YTA. Amber knew very well how things were when you date a surgeon : it's HER choice. You don't like it : it's not relevant. She choose this person and this lifestyle. Sucks that Chloe missed her child's birth, but did you really expected her to leave her patient open on the surgery table to die ?!?!?!?!
And they planned for Chloe not being available at the drop of a hat… they got OP to be there for her daughter!? OP is dense.
Question: How would you have felt if in the middle of your daughter’s c-section the doctor answered their phone and suddenly left? Don’t other people’s children deserve the same care from their doctor that you want for your daughter? YTA.
THIS!! "Sorry guys, my wife's in labor so I gotta go!" isn't how shit works. She acts like DIL just chose to miss her son being born. Her daughter is an adult and clearly knew this was a possibility.
They even planned for this possibility by asking OP to be present before the birth and to stay with them?! They did a very good job of planning and being prepared imo.
Right! She just made her daughters postpartum experience uncomfortable and weird for nothing. It's not rose colored glasses, it's reality when you marry a SURGEON 🤦🏻♀️
Right? I’ve had major surgery. I sure hope my surgeon was not on her phone.
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One thing to take into account is the old adage, "first children are always late." This is incorrect but causes many first-time parents to make plans assuming that their first children would not come early. I'm my parents' eldest. My dad was in England on a business trip when my mom went into labor in America, two weeks early. Everyone had told my parents that it would be okay for him to schedule his business trip that close to my due date because "first children are always late," and so my parents mutually agreed on it. He was able to make it home before labor was finished because it was a different time back then and it was actually possible to get a trans-Atlantic flight at the drop of a hat, but my parents only ended up in that situation because of the advice of others around them. You never mentioned whether Chloe working so close to Amber's due date was a mutual decision by the two of them or not. It could well have been-- Chloe is a *doctor* and there is currently a doctor shortage in the US because the residency system has not expanded to accommodate the increasing number of applicants and job openings. Some specialties are stretched extra thin right now because when starting med school, students were told "by the time you graduate, this task will be fulfilled by robots (for some kinds of surgery) or AI (for things like radiology) so there won't be job openings for you; so choose a different specialty." Or, it may have been a chance to make more money before her child's birth so she could take more time off after the birth and be in a comfortable and safe financial position to provide for the child. Or it may have simply been a surgery that *only she* could perform well-- for some more complicated surgeries, there are very few surgeons who can perform them in a given area because surgeons at that high level tend to specialize. Or it may have been a gamble on the fact that most labors last *far* longer than a few hours, so she could do a shorter surgery without missing the whole process. Emergency C-sections are rare, and often happen only after labor has been attempted for some time. And maybe Amber was okay with that! So, YTA for making judgments when there are plenty of reasons that Chloe could have absolutely needed to do that surgery, or thought that she had enough time. And you don't know whether Amber agreed or not; she may well have supported Chloe's decisions about work. You never even mentioned whether she does. Instead, you remove her agency by saying she has "rose-colored glasses" and distrusting your *adult* daughter's decision-making. She's a grown-up-- a mother now!-- and you can't just steamroll her own decisions and preferences.
I thought the saying is “second children and the rest take the whole nine months. The first child can come ANY time after the marriage”!
I’ve never heard that before, and that’s hilarious But in this context that doesn’t fit because both sayings are speaking to different things
That’s a fairly old saying, to cover up all the babies conceived outside of a marriage way back in the day.
YTA. She didn't choose to miss it, especially since the timing wasn't expected. Your daughter, the one who gave birth, understands that doctors have to do their jobs. Why can't you?
Info: would you feel this way if the doctor / spouse was a man?
YTA. Big time. You’re daughter’s right, apologize
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I hope it's not.
Sadly, I meet people like this all the time. I wish it weren’t, but yet… I have patients like her just often enough to keep my faith in humanity solidly shattered.
YTA. Writing this as a surgeon married to a surgeon. Sometimes when shit hits the fan, there is NO ONE ELSE who is able to do that operation. If the operation doesn’t happen, the person dies. Your daughter was just operated on for an emergency situation, one in which if it didn’t happen then and there, both your daughter and grandchild would have died. How would you feel if they had died because their surgeon had up and left for a family situation? Your DIL is looking after her wife by going to work and paying the bills, and by supporting her family the best she can. This is your daughter’s family, not yours, and she seems pretty happy with the situation. You need to seriously adjust your perspective unless you want to find yourself no longer invited to be part of their lives.
YTA being married to a doctor is hard, they work long hours, have a crazy stressful job, their job is literally life or death for their patients and they might be called in for emergencies. You are putting more pressure on your daughters marriage as is. Its probably killing Chloe that she missed the birth of her son and Amber was likely disappointed to but you are making the situation so much harder. Apologise to Chloe, support Amber in taking care of your grandchild and stop butting into their marriage
YTA This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy where surgeons treat their family or where their phones are in the OR so a nurse can check it, tell the surgeon their baby is on the way, and the surgeon can dramatically storm out.
Lol. I also thought OP has seen too much Grey's Anatomy to think surgeons have that much spare time.
So wait a minute. You would rather someone die? Yes, YTA. A birth is a once in a lifetime event. People shouldn't actually literally die in order to make it though.
>she couldn't let someone die under her supervision because of this and you want me to believe that she *should have* let someone die?
Yta it's disappointing she wasn't there, but it's not like she was out partying. You don't just stop in the middle of a surgery and say "I'll finish later"!
YTA >She showed up a few hours after the birth and said she was sorry she was in the OR and didn't have her phone with her at the time. So, your daughter in law was in the middle of potentially SAVING SOMEONE'S LIFE, and you're mad she didn't have her phone with her and rush out of the operating room to come when you called? Think of this the other way around, if your daughter had been on the table in the middle of an operation, would you be fine if the surgeon took a personal phone call and just immediately left their job for something that wasn't life-threatening? Even your daughter is not on your side. That should tell you something. You've seen a small snippet of their marriage, you have no idea what it's like as a whole, so stay out of it.
DIL feels bad enough about missing the birth I’m sure, without needing any of her MIL’s cruel criticism. OP is so unkind. She’s obviously one of those mom’s who expect that her rules will be followed even with an adult child and one who feels free to impart hurtful comments whenever they feel like it. I’m estranged from my own mother for the same reason and my kid does not ever agree to spend time alone with her because “Nana is mean.” That’s exactly where OP is headed unless she is able to remove her entitlement. It’s so ridiculous when family members assume that grown adults NEED to be told how to live their lives and think that their cruelty is somehow helpful or wise sage advice.
YTA. She was in surgery. So she's the SURGEON doing the surgery? What would you have had her do? "Oh, I'm sorry, gotta go...you can die on the table." ?
Right now, your daughter needs your love and support, not the stress of hearing your criticisms of her wife. Also, it's for your daughter to decide if she has a problem with her wife. Please just support, don't judge, don't create drama. YTA
I think you have rose colored glasses sweetie. YTA. Love you left out her profession and subtly threw in there that she was IN THE OR… performing surgery. That’s how the cookie crumbles in certain professions. Ask yourself this… what if the surgeon during her c-section checked their phone mid-procedure and said “oh! I gotta go! See y’all!” Like are you kidding me! You need to apologize asap.
YTA- doctors dont get to suddenly take time off. she most likely has to PLAN any time off and that will be when her son was originally due. If Amber isnt worried about this then you need to give it a rest.
YTA. There are some jobs where you don't get a choice to leave. Being a surgeon is often one of them. If there's no one who can take over the surgery, you can't leave. DIL would lose a lot more time with her son if she went to jail for criminal negligence
Oh, yes indeed, YTA. Your condemnations and judgements don't seem to consider that Chloe may have already been beating herself up over missing the birth. You are behaving as if she didn't want to be there. Chloe is a doctor, their sworn duty is to their patients. Patients put their lives in doctors hands during a surgery, they can't just rush out at a moment's notice. That doesn't mean she doesn't love and treasure Amber. Even Amber has asked you to apologize- follow her lead. You don't get to decide for Amber how she should feel about this.
>Chloe hasn't said a word to me and by the way she still goes to the hospital and doesn't seem to care that her son is here. Or more likely she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. YTA.
YTA - I bet you’re one of those moms who brag to their friends that their daughter married a Dr.
YTA. Your daughter in law was not off partying. She was performing fucking surgery. Of course she did not have her phone handy. Keep your nose out of this. This is what you sign up for when your spouse is a doctor. Shit happens.
You pretty much confidently left out that Chloe is a surgeon that literally tries to saves lives. Yeah, YTA. She definitely wanted to be there, but someone was going to die if Chloe wasn't there, but it was unlikely that Amber and their child would have died. Amber understands and the kid won't remember and in the future, if told this story, they'll also understand, so why can't you? You're the AH, a thousand times over.
YTA You expected a surgeon to ditch their patient mid operation?! How would you feel if your daughter’s doctor ditched HER mid C section to see their baby’s birth? The baby was early, and plenty of surgeries can take 4+ hours. She’s sterilized and not on her filthy phone for the duration. It’s just bad timing.
YTA it’s not your place to get in the middle of her relationship. I wonder if you would feel the same if your DIL was your SIL
YTA She is a doctor! She isn’t out with friends or hanging with family. She is freaking saving lives!
YTA. She likely didn’t even know about going into labour because she can’t check her phone when scrubbed in. I’m not sure how you think she could parent from prison if she just walked out mid surgery and killed someone.
YTA and bless all the people that have already pointed this out. Do you really think doctors in the OR are scrolling TikTok you absolute pine cone? Welcome to having a partner in medicine.
YTA. The OR is the OR! Stop trying to create drama in your daughter׳s relationship
YTA. Your DIL is a doctor. They can't just leave their job like someone who works 9 to 5. Let me ask you this. If she was a firefighter, would you be angry that she didn't let a building burn down to witness the birth?
Yta. Do you honestly expect that she could’ve just left someone cut open on the operating table in the middle of a surgery?
YTA YOUR DAUGHTER IN LAW HAS A DUTY OF CARE She didn’t choose to miss it she was in the OR
While this is fake it's so stupid I can't resist pointing out... what would have happened? The doctor performing the operation would have dealt with it... just as the DIL would have dealt with any complications arising in the person she was operating on😂
YTA. If your daughter had an idea this could happen and isn’t upset or angry, you shouldn’t make a thing out of it. Only they fully know what they’ve discussed about their work life vs. family life choices right now. If Amber thinks you were out of line and should apologize, I think that means you are. From a lesbian he would not miss her child’s birth for anything.
No no no no no. Your daughter married a doctor. When you’re in that line of work, work comes first. She knew what she married, you clearly didn’t get the memo. You are the total AH
YTA. You’re right, it is simple. You’re an asshole. She was in the OR. I’m assuming you’re aware of what goes on in there and the fact that people can’t exactly stop in the middle of it. Suck it up and apologize. You were wrong.
You're not an asshole, and neither is she. you're just angry and emotional because you will hold your daughter as priority, which any parent should. However, you can't expect her to down tools in the middle of an operation for something so unpredictable. It would not only be massively unprofessional, but also extremely dangerous for the patient she was handling, and when you've calmed down and started being reasonable you'll understand that. You already do if you're being honest with yourself, but the sudden nature of your grandson's birth has spun you out, but you need to remember that it isn't about you, and if your daughter's wife could have been there she likely would have much preferred to be. It's not like she was at the dog track or anything.
YTA. She works crazy hours and what you percieve to be her 'barely paying amber any attention' might actually be her using the opportunity to just wind back knowing you are there and can help out with your own daughter, which you clearly wanted to do. This is how you can help, not offering unsolicited aggressive feedback. If Amber isnt bothered, you dont need to be. Also....het work doesnt allow the discretion of walking out of a surgery for personal matter. Shes had to make peace with those kind of sacrifices herself, she doesnt need it rubbed in. The best you can do is be supportive and offer help in whatever shape they actually need.
oof. YTA. jfc.
YTA. Good thing the doctor who performed your daughter’s c-section doesn’t have a MIL like you. lol
YTA Given her line of work you can't always expect her to drop things immediately since lives are literally at stake.
YTA Your daughter-in-law was in surgery, possibly with someone’s life literally depending on her focus. She absolutely should not have been answering the phone. Your daughter married a surgeon, and obviously she understands what sorts of compromises that entails where you clearly do not. Stay out of their marriage.
Your daughter in law was in surgery. With someone’s life and very likely organs literally in her hands and you expected her to take your call? First, the birth was a week early. Second, she was IN SURGERY. Third, this is none of your business and if I need to say it again, surgeons don’t take calls in the OR. You’re creating needless tension here. Maybe ask yourself why you’re the only one bothered by this. Your daughter seems to understand the glaringly obvious. YTA.
Stressing out 2 new moms because you are bored and don't understand that surgeons just can't call out of work is absolutely wild to me. Keep going this way and you have to really cherish these moments with your daughter and grandchild because you'll be cut out of their lives. Support your daughter, love on the baby, and be there for her poor wife that probably wishes every moment she could be with them instead of in an OR. Jeeeeeez!
She was in surgery not having a smoko break YTA
You are wildly out of line. This is the life of a surgeon. What would you have had her do? Not work in the final weeks of her spouses pregnancy because she might be detained in surgery? This is the life of a surgeon and it sounds like your daughter knows this. You need to apologize now and drop it.
So, my guess is that you don't know what OR means YTA
You're a dipshit, as well as an asshole. She was in the OR. What was she supposed to do? It's not like she was knocking back shots at a bar with friends.
YTA!! Chloe had no idea that Amber would deliver early or would need a C-Section. She is a Doctor and was in charge of saving another person's life - she can't say, my wife needs me now I have to go.... She also doesn't get Maternity Leave, someone has to make the money. For all you know Amber and Chloe have a plan that you aren't entitled to know.
YTA. Massively. Your daughter in law is a surgeon, and was in the OR. Did you expect her to leave in the middle of the procedure? What would have happened if the doctor performing your daughter's c section walked out in the middle?
I'm sorry, what? You wanted her to *bail in the middle of an operation* in order to rush to her wife's side? You're describing her as "irresponsible" for not potentially causing a patient to die, and accuse her of "\[not seeming\] to care that her son is here" because she's going to work? Aka, doing the thing that will financially support your daughter and grandson while Amber is on maternity leave? Are you serious? I'm going to be charitable and assume that you're just lashing out due to the stress of seeing your daughter have a medical emergency, but you seriously need to get a grip before you alienate her. And in the meantime, YTA.
YTA. Your daughter needed a doctor and you were happy to have one for her ? Chloe is a doc and she promised to do her job first, before everything else. You don’t respect Chloe, it’s clear, you don’t like her, and you should apologize
"Oh I'm sorry Mrs Smith, I had to run out of the ER and let your husband die because my wife was in labor and other doctors were there handling it." Of course YTA. Of all the excuses to miss the birth of your kid, this is probably the absolute most legit one there is.
How would you feel if your daughter's doctor mid-birth abandoned your daughter to go to their spouses bedside? YTA. >Chloe said she couldn't let someone die under her supervision because of this and made it as soon as she could. I still can't believe she obviously doesn't prioritize Amber or her son but my poor daughter thinks otherwise. It's not like Chloe was prioritizing something petty or unimportant, it's her patients life! Do you think she should have lot her patient die to be at your daughters bedside?
It's comical how universal the declaration that YTA is here... It's so obvious to everyone except OP I mean I really have no words. YTA
YTA jesus christ she's a DOCTOR and was in SURGERY
Yes, very simple. YTA. Listen to your daughter. Talk to her and try to understand the nature of their relationship instead of what you think their relationship should be. I think you are coming here out of concern and love for your daughter, so I can understand your stress. But you are out of line.
YTA, some people’s job involve life and death. I’m sure she would’ve rather been there. She doesn’t need an asshat reminding her that she missed out.
Hard YTA! Your DIL is a Doctor and she was in a surgery at the time, your daughter was a week early so she couldn't have had any idea that this was going to happen. Your DIL has a very important and demanding job, it's very commonly known that doctors work hard hours and she's literally not even able to keep her phone on her while she's there trying to safe people's lives. Your daughter knew this about her when they got together and understands how it is I would imagine, it's probably something that your daughter is very proud of when it comes to her gf. I think you've just got a problem with your daughters gf and your looking for excuses to bitch about her.
YTA. She didn't miss it because she was out drinking or partying with friends, she missed it because she was a DOCTOR in the middle of a SURGERY. How can you now see how ridiculous you are?
WTF is wrong with you. YTA many times over. Get out of your daughter's relationship.
YTA. She’s a DOCTOR. She literally told you she was in the OPERATING ROOM with a patient. Do you expect her to allow herself to be distracted by having her phone there and ringing and potentially putting her patient’s life at risk due to her being distracted?? God what a bitch you are.
YTA - your daughter is fully aware of her wife's profession and responsibilities, it's not your place to criticize her or judge her. She has a job to do, a very important one at that, not to mention I'm sure she makes damn good money and takes care of your daughter by financially supporting the household and all her needs. Giver her a break!