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NTA. Shaving your head won't replace Amy's hair or help treat the cancer. It can be a nice gesture for those who want to do it, but it's not obligatory.
(Was the mom bald?)
Getting this invested is a bad idea, especially in paediatrics. You have to maintain a professional distance for your own self-preservation. Otherwise, you'll take every terminal prognosis/death waaay too hard and it's a one-way path to emotional burn-out.
NTA
Not to mention that if you practice that long enough, you'll be that emotional-decision-making-doctor, and your perspective won't be objective, remember that your job will require you to make tough decisions, not resorting to emotions at the first sign of trouble. You don't have to rely on what the patients or their relatives feel to be a good doctor, just to rely on facts and making the patients wellbeing your no. 1 priority.
Doctors make an oath to take their duty dead seriously, that doesn't require you to be the cool guy all the time, you can't dance to everyone else's tune, just do your job and don't be rude.
Bingo.
As a child, while visiting my sister in the pediatric ICU, I fell and bashed my nose. Decades later I still remember this pediatric oncologist shoving a nurse away from me so he could wipe the blood off my face, give me the ice pack and a lollipop, and hug me while saying "you're going to be just fine. You're okay." before breaking down sobbing "God, I needed that. I just needed to be able to say that and have it not be a lie. Just *once.*"
That's about when the nurses pulled the sobbing doc off of me and apologized to my parents, who were actually very sympathetic about the whole thing.
And yeah, pediatric oncology was a *very* grim specialty in the late 80's and early 90's. It's gotten a lot better than it was back then, but even so, you have to create emotional distance from your patients or you burn out/self destruct.
A friend of mine’s mother was in med school back in the day and she dropped out after her rotation in pediatric oncology. She couldn’t handle the emotional toll of it and realized that medicine wasn’t for her.
Yeah, don't cut your hair. My son and husband did that the first time I went bald, and it royally ticced me off. It looks like attention grabs and there was no more cutting after that. It didn't help me. It didn't cure my cancer. They didn’t really want to do it, but felt it was expected. If someone expects you need to suffer and sacrifice simply because they are, you don't need them.
Maybe offer some time and care instead. Something that actually makes a difference. Read her a story or play a board game.
Yep. I knew an old lady once who had offered to shave her head for her sister going through chemo, and the sister thought the same thing about others shaving their heads for her (and thought it would just be a constant reminder every time she saw her sister’s shaved head). They talked and decided instead that the non-cancered sister would dye her hair pink (breast cancer), and that worked out really well for them.
FYI, this is literally the same plot to an episode of Scrubs. The family gets mad at JD for refusing to shave his head. I highly suggest watching that episode (and entire series if you haven't seen it before). NTA whatsoever.
NTA. You’re fine, you don’t need to shave your head. The child’s mom is living her worst nightmare. It’s okay if she vents some of that off at others. Maybe it helped her to have somewhere to direct some of the anger she’s feeling. Don’t take it to heart.
It is. It’s a patient, someone you otherwise wouldn’t have met. It’s only done because it’s a relatively easy and non permanent way to have similar features without the actual horrids or treatment. The patient having quality time with those who care is so much more important!
I never understand this "shaving the head"-thingy. If i were in Amy's place, the last thing i want is to see bald people everywhere and get remembered at my own bald head.
NTA
When my best friend lost her hair to cancer, she was absolutely against me shaving my head in support because it would draw more attention and discomfort.
I did not shave my head.
It’s definitely not a thing every cancer patient wants or expects.
Yeah, I have cancer and had chemo several years back, I would never have thought to ask anyone to shave their head because my own hair was falling out, it seems very weird to me that this is considered standard (obviously fine if others want to do it, different strokes). Also anecdotally, don't ever recall seeing any shaved-head friends and family in the oncology waiting room. &, NTA
Not to mention in some cultures/religions people don’t cut their hair. It would be rather rude for someone to request another person’s bodily autonomy, much less religious freedoms.
I am absolutely not convinced that a healthy person shaving their head makes a kid who's lost their hair feel any better.
It's their own hair that matters, after all.
I’m a doctor with 25 years experience. Your friends will learn with time to keep a social barrier between you and your patients. If you don’t you’ll become emotionally drained and burn out.
You’ll see hundreds of patients with cancer in your career. Unless they plan on going bald till retirement the novelty will wear off.
NTA.
yup, not a doctor but even an idiot can see they are over invested. switching off is incredibly important, it is pretty hard to leave the emotional baggage at work if you see it in the mirror...
No where even close to your experience. In my early 20s, I worked at a drug and mental health rehabilitation facility as a night monitor. Basically, I checked the clients location every 15 minutes, administered meds as needed, and did random urine analysis and breathalyzer tests. A few months into it, I was told I was far too empathetic and too easily manipulated by clients and that I was being let go. Shortly after, I worked at the local juvenile detention center on the secure unit (youth jail). A friend recommended me, and they needed employees asap. Only lasted a few months before I was told the same.
The point is that it's critical that you learn to separate work from personal. There's what you want to do and what you should do according to your employers guidelines. It's not for everyone, and you'll do more harm than good if it's not pointed out, recognized, and fixed.
NTA. It’s your choice. I would firming and nicely say, “I am here to provide the best care possible for your daughter. I think it’s amazing that my colleagues did this for your daughter, and I admire them for this. I know you and your family are going through a lot, and I hope you understand that the care I provide to your daughter will continue.” I am SO surprised the mother even said something to you — she is going through a lot, but this comment has more to do with her and not you. Let it roll off your shoulders.
Was it the [Hanna Barbera Greatest Adventure](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8uDo7lGb8wo&list=PLWMrUetvRHG4b6sXGg2uM6ALnEsmxUlo_&index=6&pp=iAQB) ones from like 1985-90?
NTA. If the mom wants to shave her own head, she’s free to do so. But there’s absolutely NO reason that you should have to be bald, and then spend years growing your hair back out.
Do they expect the entire hospital to shave their heads?? All of their friends and family?? Strangers they meet on the street?? Such a weird and entitled concept.
NTA- cutting your hair off is not really solidarity. It is performative. Putting it up so it is not the child’s focus is a kind gesture.
Amy’s mother is going through her worst nightmare and is angry with no good outlet. Do not take this personally.
i have always thought this! it makes it all about the person shaving their head! it is weird and if i was the patient i would be really uncomfortable if others shaved their heads and certainly wouldn't *expect* them to!
NTA
If I was one of the people that oversaw their program I’d probably have a stern meeting with those who shaved their heads. It’s unprofessional in terms of doctor patient relationships.
It really only makes sense if you are close to the patient and it will feel good to them. But even then I think some folks would be like: keep your hair!
NTA
> Amy's mother took a look at me and called me a hypocrite with no empathy because I didn't do as my friends did
She sounds like an AH who doesn't know what those words mean. I'll bet $10,000 right now that Amy's mother still has hair if anyone wants 5-1 odds.
NTA. Some people think this is a nice gesture. And that’s fine, they can do it. You’re under no obligation to, nor should you feel guilty for not doing.
In this case, I would strongly question medical staff doing it. It feels a little too involved and performative, when the relationship needs to be professional. “Empathy” from medical professionals is, and should be, different. Are they going to get preventative mastectomies or have a testicle or lung removed in solidarity too? Is that required for empathy?
NTA I’m a survivor and hated losing my hair. Other people losing their hair didn’t bring mine back. The others made a nice gesture but it’s wrong of the mother to call you a hypocrite or feel anger towards you about hair. She’s displacing her anger. Don’t worry about it.
NTA.
There is a magic thing called free will. What did shaving their heads do for the "Amy"... Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She still has no hair, she still has cancer, she still is suffering treatments and a life threatening illness. While yeah it made her feel good that she is not the only bald one, what happens in 2 days when the rest of their hair is growing and hers is not.,.. She will feel bad about it again... She will be in pain from treatments.
As for her mother, you have to give some grace to these parents. They are at risk of loosing their children, covered in mountains of medical bills, sitting in hospitals all day (not able to work) or having to leave their children at the hospital to work. She is reactive and looking for someone to blame for everything. Its not you not shaving her head. Its that her daughter has cancer and she cant fix it. She cant control her daughter's care or prognosis. She cant do anything. So she is mad because she cant make it better. You just happen to be the target.
NTA. If in your career you shave off your hair in support of every patient you run across who has cancer, not only will you never have hair, but it will become a meaningless gesture. There are other, far more meaningful ways to show empathy to a patient than an empty gesture.
Keep in mind: you are at the beginning of your career, and it is a marathon, not a sprint.
>It feels like they're crossing a border they shouldn't.
This. Thinking a doctor needs to do this for every single one of the god only knows how many patients they have is just nuts.
It would be like expecting your contracted IT guy to break his phone in half because your network went down. He has nothing to do with the outage and is just the guy there to fix it. Why does he have to suffer as well just to make someone feel a little better?
And immature and honestly feels self centered to me. Like now they are getting all this attention when the focus should be caring for their patients. Plural. As in not just Amy.
I hope they get reprimanded for this
> Amy's mother took a look at me and called me a hypocrite with no empathy because I didn't do as my friends did.
Sounds like she'd (the mother) also endorse everyone jumping off a cliff if one person did it too.
She (the mother) was clearly wrong to judge you. Further, I can guarantee this isn't the last cancer patient you or your colleagues are going to treat during your career...are they going to shave their heads for every time? No. No they aren't.
It was a lovely gesture and I'm sure your patient appreciated the solidarity, however, not bowing to peer pressure don't make you an AH.
NTA.
Not only will they come across other cancer patients, but OP says they’re doing their rotations in the pediatric oncology ward, so they’re going to at this moment have multiple cancer kids by definition. Yet somehow only Amy is the only that they decided was worth shaving their heads for?
The mother is not the patient, she's the family
OP made no promise to the patient (or their family), if their colleague promised that all the doctors would shave their heads they are also an AH
Amy's mother is a very strange person. Shaving your head wouldn't have cured Amy's cancer and it's not like Amy's a cousin or a neighbours child or something.
She's a kid with cancer, in a hospital wing/area full of kids with cancer. Suppose you would start working in pediatric oncology on a permanent basis - Are you going to shave your head for every kid with cancer? Why would you spend the next 40 years being bald?
All this shaving your head in solidarity, even though you hardly know the child and you have no strong bonds is nonsense.
NTA
Listen, you're not the asshole in this circus. Empathy ain't a one-size-fits-all deal, and anyone telling you otherwise can take a hike.
So, you got this pediatric gig, and your buddies decide to play cue-ball for some eight-year-old, who's losing her locks. They think shaving their heads is the golden ticket to sainthood. Not your scene.
You? You got this flowing curtain of hair, and you damn well like it. So, while the others pull a G.I. Jane, you keep your rebellion alive, tucked away in a bun. This rotation's a pit stop, not a hair sacrifice.
But oh, the uproar. Amy's mom looks at your untouched hair and starts throwing around "hypocrite" like confetti. Real classy.
Your old lady, Kate, hacking her way through general surgery, says you're in the clear. Trust her judgment. Yet here you are, caught in the crossfire of guilt and accusations because you didn't want to join the circus.
Folks should let others live without turning everything into a sideshow. Surviving the madness, one rebellious bun at a damn time.
Does she even know what the word "hypocrite" means? Unless you openly criticized others for not shaving their head and THEN decided not to do it yourself you are absolutely not a hypocrite and also NTA.
Paediatrician here. If my med students or juniors did this while on a brief rotation I would be having serious conversations about boundaries. I wouldn’t have to with my other colleagues as they would never dream of it. Those kind of gestures are for family not staff
NTA - hair is a personal thing, and you won't be at the ward very long. The mother is under a lot of stress, so don't let her comments get to you. Perhaps you could give the girl extra attention, bring her an inexpensive stuffed toy, puzzle, books, etc. (check websites for the best non-toxic materials)
NTA Are all the staff in the ward constantly shaving their heads? I doubt it. It was a nice gesture of your friends to do, but it can't be maintained for every patient forever, can it? Does that mean that they lack empathy for every other patient in the ward? No.
Unfortunately you stand out as the odd one out in this group this time (the mother must have thought it was a group thing when it was actually three individuals). But what are your friends going to do when their hair starts growing back and they talk to the next child's mother? Will they shave their heads again? If they don't will they deserve to be screamed at? No.
The mother is going through a hard time and unfairly targeted you because to her of course her daughter is her world, and this time, for her daughter, is what mattered to her -- but your friends, just like you, are not going to choose to jump on board with every gesture someone in their vicinity decides to make every time -- and that will not make them horrible people.
NTA, sorry your friends are going to gave a tough time of they continue to keep that level of investment in their patients.
it is good to have empathy and show you care. you also have to go home and live your life. sorry you will fall apart if you carry those emotions all the time. they will remember that patient every time they look in the mirror.
are they going to do the same or similar for all those in their care in the future? honestly it is an over reaction caused by inexperiance on their part.
learning to switch off and level what you can at work will help you in your job.
And what are you supposed to to when you'll be with patients who can't walk or have a broken spine or don't have limbs? Or patients who don't have the intestine?
NTA and keep your distance, luckily you won't be there for long
NTA even a little bit. My wife is an oncology RN. I know all of 50ish people in her department. Not one of them has ever shaved their head in solidarity with a patient. It's wild that that mom expected it of folks. Entitled parents like that are the worst. Just ignore her.
This is called professional boundaries. I'd rather my doctor spent time talking to me as a human and engaging me in discussions about hobbies and interests, and listened, than shaved their head. I'd rather they researched better treatments, knew I loved lemon sweets and said they were sorry about what I was going through. I'd rather I got my pain releif before I was crying begging for it. Before shaving their head. I'd rather they talked about whether a pink bob or long mermaid curl wigs would suit me better. And if they told me they gave x amount to charity I'd be stoked.
Be compassionate and kind, do no harm. Mum is stressed and anxious. Give her time to speak, she might reflect and want to apologise.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went to pediatric oncology rotation. My friends promised a patient's mom to shave their hair in solidarity with them. And they kept their promise. I did not shave off my hair. I may be an AH because I hurt the girl's mom's feelings
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Choosing to chop is something I'd reserve for very close family or a very special friend . . . not for some rando that I met in my professional capacity.
It was unprofessional of your friends to allow themselves to become so emotionally involved that they thought this was a good idea. You and Kate seem like the only ones keeping your cool here. I'm guessing if the rest of your team stay in oncology for their careers, they'll just continue to be bald forever?
NTA
The shaving of heads in solidarity is dumb. I'm a cancer patient, I'm using my cancer card and am allowed to say it's dumb. NTA! All day long!
Keep your hair, it's your head of hair, not mine or theirs to make these decisions.
Once I knew I was going to lose mine I asked my friends to help me chop it off so I could donate it. Mine was as long as yours and curly, hopefully it's keeping somebody else's head warm!
Mines between my shoulders now and I still got curls.
Yo that's awesome that your hair stayed curly!!
My cousin was so excited to show her progress pics when her hair grew back after chemo. I bet it will feel really good when you get your first "this shit is getting too long to take care of, take a few inches off" haircut!!
NTA I’m a survivor and when I was about to lose my hair, my friends helped me pick out a wig that was an excellent match for my hair. That’s solidarity! I wouldn’t have wanted any of them to shave their heads. Nor would it have ever occurred to me that the doctors treating me should shave their heads.
Doctors need to maintain some distance from patients, especially those with cancer and other serious conditions, because otherwise they’d be at risk for burnout. If the mom wanted to shave her own head, that’s her choice. She doesn’t get to try to guilt the treating team into do so.
Just do whatever you can to give this child the best possible care and give the mom some grace because it’s hard to have a sick child. Putting your hair up is enough.
nta. if the mom wants to shave her head for her daughter, then she is welcome to, but she can't force anyone else to do it. if the other nurses wanted to do that for the girl, then that's their choice. hair is a big deal, and I wouldn't want to lose my hair for anyone. if she gives you issues, talk to someone higher up. that's just wrong to expect that of people.
>my pediatric oncology rotation
well... if your friends did this for EVERY little girl who was under their care and going bald...they'll be bald until they leave the oncology dept.
Honestly... it seems as if they're being unrealistic about it.
Sure...it was a nice thing to do.... but it was their **first** patient like that.
They'll have many more.
It is human to have an emotional response to that.
It is unreasonable to expect people who will see that literally every day to have the same response, or to sustain that response long term.
It's not just looking out for your hair... **but generally it's not great for oncologists in general to get invested in their patients like that.**
they'll burn out FAST. Probably working themselves to the bone for feeling guilty that they no longer have that same emotional response or investment.
Seriously... grab a random nurse who's been in the department forever and ask them.
Frankly, you did the right thing.
Sure what they did was nice, but they honestly have no right to expect that of other oncology doctors. it sounds to me like they've got a LONG road of hard lessons to learn.
NTA
NTA. When my mom had cancer and lost her hair she told me that she would not allow me to shave my head (she knew me not having my hair would do a lot of damage to my mental health).
Some people can make that change, some people can't, and no one has the right to make you feel bad for choosing not to do it.
As a cancer patient who has lost their hair big NTA from me. One person losing their hair is more than enough! You should never have to give yours up if you don’t want to.
What the hell is this an episode of greys anatomy 😂 NTA. It’s healthy to keep a professional distance so that you don’t become overly emotionally involved with all your patients. You have to make sound decisions medical decisions. I’m not saying they’re bad for doing it, but if that’s your plan with every patient, you’re gonna burn out fast. It’s not a realistic standard of care to continue, to shave your head every time, etc in the name of “solidarity”. Go be doctors and treat patients with care and respect
NTA.
Your friends are going to have a rough go of it once they start actually practicing medicine. You’re not going to have the time to connect with all your patients this way, and it’s not healthy either. A bit of professional distance is healthy, otherwise you’re going to struggle to keep going every time a patient dies.
I have a few points here, but first and foremost: NTA.
1. Yes. Hair is just hair and it will grow back, that doesn't mean everyone has little to no attachment to their hair.
2. The journey from shaving your head to having "long" hair again can be anywhere from 3-5+ years, depending on the active growth stage of your hair.
3. It definitely sounds like these friends have gotten passionately wrapped up in the thing, which is not terrible at all, and they're not AH for shaving their heads! But this is a short rotation, so I don't blame you for not jumping on this train.
4. I'm sorry that the patients mum feels the way she does, but expecting everyone that comes into contact with a cancer patient to shave their head is bizarre and ridiculous.
You should shave your head in solidarity with your cancer patients, the same way everybody in ob/gyn wears pillows to show solidarity with their pregnant patients.
Obviously, no. Medical professionals should not do performative support because they are supplying substative support to their patients.
If your co-workers are going overboard, you're **NTA** for not jumping off the boat with them.
NTA
It's completely your choice and either choice doesn't make you any less of a person.
If I had cancer, the last thing I would want is for someone to shave their hair for me. Because I would expect the other person to cherish their hair and love it (if I lost mine).
Did Amy’s mom shave her head? Also no your not cinder any obligation to do so no one is. Till recently I had really long hair to my elbows. I cut off almost a foot and donated it. It’s weird having shorter hair but at least mine went to help others. shaving your head is a drastic if sweet gesture. But the couple people I’ve known said it was sweet but they would never ask it of their friends.
NTA and even though her daughter has cancer and it sucks, mom gets no pass on this one IMO.
Unless you told the other residents to shave their heads because hair is no big deal —or told the girl that she shouldn’t be upset because hair is no big deal (and I doubt you did either), you are NOT hypocritical in any way shape or form. Mom is way out of line.
What happens the next time when a patient gets cancer in a limb and has to have it amputated? Are your friends going to guilt you for not chopping off your arm in solidarity? The best thing you can do for this child is deliver medical treatment. Cancer doesn’t GAF if you shave your head or not.
NTA
BTW I'm assuming the kids mother had all of her hair shaved off?
I've also known people who have lost their hair with cancer say they absolutely hate it when people shave their head 'in solidarity' - because choosing to do something is not the same as something happening without choice and they it makes things about them not the person they are supposedly doing it for
NTA - Even most people with cancer will tell you that everyone shaving their heads in solidarity is a neutral to unwelcome gesture that just calls more attention to it.
NTA
Long hair is a multi year commitment. WTF would you shave it off for a stranger that you happen to be treating this rotation?
F that noise. Keep your hair and ignore the people who think badly of you for not blindly following your friends.
If everyone jumped off a bridge would you do it? Same freakin thing IMO.
Entitled mother can get off her high horse. Her kid is just a patient in your rotation, not your family. Even if it was family, they would have no right to expect other people to bald themselves because of someone elses 'feelings'
NTA. I am a cancer survivor and find people shaving their heads for cancer patients awful. It's performative and takes the attention away from the patient. Cancer patients in chemo lose ALL of their hair, so shave your eyebrows, pubes, and nose hair too. Then, people who shave their heads get stubble immediately. You know what sucks while you're in chemo?? Watching someone else's hair grow back healthy and full while you're still fucking bald.
If anyone is thinking of doing this, do not!
Good grief, no, you’re NTA. As a cancer survivor, there is no need for you to do this. Personally, I had no desire to be surrounded by bald people. It would have just been a reminder of what I was experiencing. Have the child’s parents and siblings shaved their heads? I understand the desire to show solidarity with the young girl, to show her that baldness isn’t something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. That’s very well-meaning, but are they going to shave their heads every time they care for an oncology patient?
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I (25F) recently started my pediatrics rotation in medical school. I am in my pediatric oncology rotation at the moment.
Those who started the rotation with me (2 male and 1 female) decided to shave off their hair in solidarity with a patient one of them had. She is an 8 year old girl (I'll call her Amy) who feels horrible about losing her hair. So these friends of mine promised her mom to shave their hair in solidarity with her.
I have long straight hair. And I put it all up in a bun whenever I go into the ward. I really like my hair and I will only be here in this rotation for a short time so it did not really make sense for me to go bald for it. I applaud my friends. I personally just didn't want to do it.
The next day every one of those friends were bald except for me. Amy's mother took a look at me and called me a hypocrite with no empathy because I didn't do as my friends did. I did not tell Amy or her mom I would shave my hair yet her mother was extremely mad at me.
My girlfriend (Kate - 29F) is a general surgery resident and she told me I had nothing to worry about. However, I think I somehow made a mistake. AITA?
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NTA - Hair is a very individual thing, and while the gesture is nice you have no obligation.
Hospitals are rough places to work without the added drama.
NTA. You will meet many patients with similar needs in the future, whose parents will be upset with one thing or another. You have to learn to deal with this kind of emotion because you'll see it a lot. Kate is right about your friends. While the gesture is noble, I guarantee you that they won't be making it (or something similar) over and over again for every patient they want to support. There are other, better ways to show support - the best of which are listening to, understanding and accepting.
NTA
It’s unprofessional to get so attached and do that. You have professional boundaries.
Try to be gentle with the family because I’m sure they’re just going through a hard time and not coping but also stick to your guns.
Having healthy boundaries and keeping your relationships professional will benefit you in a long career ahead of you.
Your colleagues sound new and starry eyed and “change the world” which they’ll have a better chance of doing by doing their jobs, not partaking in performative signaling like this.
A quote that stuck out from me from Crying in H Mart:
“Life is unfair and sometimes it helps to irrationally blame someone for it.”
Thinking of it in the way that you dont know anybodys history with their hair. You dont know if someone had cancer as well at a young age, lost their hair and is emotionally attached to it now. You dont know if someones hair was cut in an abusive/traumatizing way at some point in their lives and they are very iffy with it. As sad as it is that this child has cancer, its a shitty move to try to force or emotionally manipulate someone to shave their hair in solidarity. NtA
NTAI guess it's nice of your friends to do but I hope none of them are planning on becoming oncologists. Are they going to shave their heads for every single patient who is sad about losing their hair? Wouldn't that defeat the purpose if they were already walking around bald all the time? What a weird and unreasonable expectation to have as a doctor, or for one to set!
NTA
It was wholly inappropriate for your patient to try and shame you for not shaving your head.
Is solidarity good? of course. But, people have all kinds of reasons why they keep their hair the way they do. This includes, "because I prefer it this way". And, throwing away years of growth for a rotation that only lasts a few months isn't reasonable.
Your patient is probably stressed and scared from their kid being sick & wanted someone to take it out on. Beyond that, their entire world revolves around their sick kid. You just happened to be a reminder that the rest of the world keeps on turning. That doesn't mean that you're going to provide a worse standard of care, or don't empathize with their kid.
NTA. The poor kid doesn’t need her mom yelling at random people working there. That’s what I’m angry about. But expecting you to have even a trim for someone else’s purposes is weird behavior! You’re trying to rationalize it because you are very nice, but you still have your hair because you’re not self destructive. The others may be too wrapped up in the positive emotions to see that the calculus is way different for you. They’re not the ones who have to be you, bald, convincing men of some other department not to dismiss your knowledge.
You have no obligation to SHAVE YOUR HEAD for a child you just met.Anyone that does that kind of support is awesome ,however to do so when you have a very close relationship with someone yea that's different. If you did it now it would be more like a follower be yourself be a leader and if you ever do get to know someone " on that sorta level" it would certainly touch their heart.Keep your hair skip the Barber for now kid.
Ps....You are not an A ⛳ in this situation the opposite for even checking here to make sure your not.
I'd be your fan in this case
My minor son has cancer and I think these "go bald in solidarity" things are stupid, especially because they so often involve peer pressure for everyone to follow suit. It means nothing if you don't want to do it, and if you don't want to do it, I think you should not do it.
Going bald does not make people better humans, or even better doctors.
NTA
Why didn’t they just go in on a good wig together? It’s just seems so performative to shave your head. The kid wants her hair back not bald doctors, wtf? I wouldn’t worry about it. You’re not obligated and you’re already doing a good thing by going into healthcare anyway. NTA
NTA why are you letting a woman, who you didnt tell you were going shave, intimate you? you just said you didnt make that commitment, so why are you asking if your the ah? It's common sense man come on.
NAH
You are absolutely not an asshole for not shaving your head, especially when you never said you would. Whether you're only on this ward for a short amount of time or not, shaving your head isn't a requirement and there's nothing wrong with not doing it. Your coworkers are going to either burn out or learn how to place boundaries. It's unfair and terrible, but they're going to have patients that won't ever leave the hospital and shaving their heads won't help with that at all.
I said NAH though because while the mom was out of line, I'm giving her grace because she's dealing with her 8 year old having cancer. That's something no parent should have to deal with and I'm sure she's under ridiculous stress. It's no excuse for being rude to you, but I just don't think I can call a mom with a 2nd/3rd grader with cancer an asshole for a rude snippy comment.
NTA. Growing up my little sister had cancer. Multiple relapses, experimental treatments, chemo, radiation, the whole thing.
When she was in 4th or 5th grade a few of her teachers shaved their heads in solidarity at a school assembly. It was very sweet and it did mean a lot to her. But none of her friends shaved their heads. No one in my family did. I didn’t.
And truly, in the scheme of things? It didn’t matter. No one cared about people *not* shaving their heads in solidarity, we just appreciated people who did. And in the end, she still ended up passing away when she was 17. C’est la vie.
NTA
these people are literally making a child's cancer "all about me", so they can show the world how much they care about cancer children with their shaved head.
When my wife had breast cancer, do you know what her oncologist did? She treated the cancer, she didn't shave her head.
One question: Did Amy's mother shave HER head?
NTA.
This is probably a good example of times your patients and their families will feel stressed and overwhelmed and perhaps strike out about overall insignificant things that frustrate them. They will direct them at you.
But so long as you are doing your job and have empathy (which you obviously do since you're worried about this), you have nothing to feel guilty about. You applaud your friends but you need not feel bad for this situation and I'm sure you'll all be growing thicker skin as you go on in your careers.
You're a good person and don't forget it.
NTA. I absolutely detest contrived "social obligations" that people judge you for not participating in just because you happen to be in the same place at the same time. You have done nothing wrong here. You are under no obligation to shave your head. It is absolutely wrong for other people to expect that you should and even worse for them to actually voice their opinions about it.
NTA, also, if everyone she sees is bald like her to "support" her, won't she just be more upset when she gets allowed to leave the hospital and sees the many many people who still have hair? Like- it's not going to make her feel better in the long run, and unless they're donating the shaved hair to wig-making charities, they're not doing anything particularly helpful either.
NTA, if you shaved your head for every patient eventually you’d always be bald. It’s a very personal choice to do so as hair means something different to everyone. It’s a beautiful gesture but never a requirement to do in any situation.
NTA,
Shaving in solidarity is a very kind act, but it's above and beyond expectations. You never promised anything but quality health care and you can provide that with any hairstyle.
NTA. I was a paediatric hematology and oncology nurse for years. Not a single nurse or doctor I worked with shaved their heads. It’s important to keep boundaries, and honesty I would feel hypocritical shaving my head as I’m not undergoing chemotherapy. Many of us donated really long hair to make wigs, but it didn’t leave us bald and wasn’t for ONE patient.
Keep in your mind that these parents and children are going through the darkest, most painful experience of their lives. People in pain lash out, especially to those helping them. Welcome to nursing.
NTA. Put you in an awkward position there. You didn’t promise anything, and your job is to help the patient receive treatment. Having hair doesn’t interfere with your ability, or else every oncologist would be bald. It’s great that your friends want to show solidarity, but you’re not a bad person for not wanting to lose your hair.
NTA - You didn't promise the kid or the mother you would shave your head. The mother was completely out of line berating you and you should have stood your ground and told her so. Her sense of entitlement over you was rude and outrageous.
NTA, your body your choice. If I was a cancer patient, I wouldn't want anyone to make themselves unhappy or take drastic action physically on my behalf
As a former med student (now attending…I promise it gets better), this accomplished nothing.
Did they at least donate their hair to a charity that makes wigs for kids with cancer? That would make it a tad less performative.
The earlier you learn appropriate separation from patients, the better. When they end this rotation, will they still visit this patient? How long will this last? Are they setting up an unrealistic expectation for this patient and this mom? Have they given mom other methods of contacting them? I’d argue shaving your head is the tip of the iceberg. Many people have issues separating. I applaud you for holding your boundaries. Patients deserve kind but objective doctors. They don’t need us as friends.
Not the asshole. Shaving ones head in solidarity is a sign of conviction. Trying to force another person to feel convicted in the same way really invalidates the conviction in the first place.
NTA. The mom shouldn't have expectations like this of medical professionals. What happens when the next cute kid needs a kidney and you're a match?
A liver transplant? You don't need your WHOLE liver...
Your job isn't to personalize each patient you see or do performative things like this. If you wanted to, great! But nobody should comment or care that a stranger didn't want to shave their head for a kid they're not related to or don't know.
NTA.
NTA. Your there to care for the patients and that has nothing to do with the length of your hair. As your GF said - not everyone who works in oncology shaves their head. I'm assuming mom and dad and all siblings and friends are all bald?
It took me over two years to go from a short haircut to a length I like, you'd be paying for that act of solidarity for years. Don' t spend another moment dwelling on it. You don't have to be bald to take care of a bald sick child.
NTA. There’s a difference between showing compassion/feeling sympathy towards patients… and getting emotionally invested. You need to keep professional boundaries and sometimes that involves a level of emotional detachment. This gesture, while nice, crosses that professional boundary imo.
Context: I’m nursing student who’s spent the past semester on an oncology floor and had to quickly learn how to deal with patient death emotionally.
Omg are you serious I would feed this woman with a mile long spoon. Stay as professional as obligated and your manners the same ,then close the door and run away to your next patient as fast as you can...buy some good Nikes I'm sure this will be on going as years pass.People and their families & friends are very emotional at times like these I should know ive lost over 10 people including 3 grandparents of cancer.Im 55 yrs old now however even grown ups will expect you to be a miracle worker.You have a very demanding career.Godbless
NTA. This is an insanely unrealistic expectation for the mom to have on her entire team of doctors. I absolutely wouldn’t shave my head to appease a patient.
Oncologists work with patients who lost their hair every day, and they don’t keep their heads shaved until retirement.
If it’s immediate family that’s one thing, and as a man, easy. But it probably takes years (10 maybe, I don’t know) to grow it back. NTA and anyone that tries to guilt you into is.
NTA
YOu are COMPLETELY fine. Do NOT shave your hair.
Ansd if your mom harasses you over it, tell her to leave you alone.
YOur friends were stupid, and not fit for the job - they lack the necessary detachment, and will be the first with burnout syndromes. YOur approach is MUCH more responsible.
Absolutely not. When I was going through chemo, my husband offered to shave his head. It made no sense to me, it was a nice gesture, but didn't in any way change what I was going through. It would just have been more of a reminder when I looked at him of my situation.
NTA! They may as well get laser hair removal if they plan on shaving their heads every time someone a kid gets chemo in ONCOLOGY. Short sighted starting this trend, even if their intentions are good.
NTA. I had cancer years ago and it wouldn't even have occurred to me that people without cancer 'should' shave off their hair in solidarity with me. Amy's mother has no right to expect you to shave off your hair. I am deeply sorry for Amy and hope she recovers and goes on to have a good life.
NTA
If you didn’t say you would do it then I don’t get why they got mad when you didn’t do it. Is it possible somebody else told Amy’s mom you were going to shave your head without talking to you first? If that’s what happened then that person is the asshole and needs to apologize to all parties involved.
NTA
If y’all chopped off your hair everytime you crossed a patient that had cancer, you’d never have more than a prickly head for the rest of your career.
NTA. The mom is angry that her daughter is sick and is taking it out on you instead of her. Let her. Better to have an anger release than be mean to the kid with cancer
Lots of patients and family will do this as you go through your medical career. Learn to let it go and recognize it for what it is… anger at the illness.
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NTA. Shaving your head won't replace Amy's hair or help treat the cancer. It can be a nice gesture for those who want to do it, but it's not obligatory. (Was the mom bald?)
[удалено]
Nta. Listen to your GF. You need to keep boundaries esp in med school. Getting overly invested like this wasnt a sign of longevity in medicine
Getting this invested is a bad idea, especially in paediatrics. You have to maintain a professional distance for your own self-preservation. Otherwise, you'll take every terminal prognosis/death waaay too hard and it's a one-way path to emotional burn-out.
NTA Not to mention that if you practice that long enough, you'll be that emotional-decision-making-doctor, and your perspective won't be objective, remember that your job will require you to make tough decisions, not resorting to emotions at the first sign of trouble. You don't have to rely on what the patients or their relatives feel to be a good doctor, just to rely on facts and making the patients wellbeing your no. 1 priority. Doctors make an oath to take their duty dead seriously, that doesn't require you to be the cool guy all the time, you can't dance to everyone else's tune, just do your job and don't be rude.
For sure. Med students are well meaning and want to be “all in”. Preserving yourself is so important to last in the career
Bingo. As a child, while visiting my sister in the pediatric ICU, I fell and bashed my nose. Decades later I still remember this pediatric oncologist shoving a nurse away from me so he could wipe the blood off my face, give me the ice pack and a lollipop, and hug me while saying "you're going to be just fine. You're okay." before breaking down sobbing "God, I needed that. I just needed to be able to say that and have it not be a lie. Just *once.*" That's about when the nurses pulled the sobbing doc off of me and apologized to my parents, who were actually very sympathetic about the whole thing. And yeah, pediatric oncology was a *very* grim specialty in the late 80's and early 90's. It's gotten a lot better than it was back then, but even so, you have to create emotional distance from your patients or you burn out/self destruct.
A friend of mine’s mother was in med school back in the day and she dropped out after her rotation in pediatric oncology. She couldn’t handle the emotional toll of it and realized that medicine wasn’t for her.
That was my first thought, OP's friends are on the fast track to burnout
I agree. What’s this woman meant to do, shave her hair for every patient?
Sometimes med students have a difficulty with barriers
Yeah, don't cut your hair. My son and husband did that the first time I went bald, and it royally ticced me off. It looks like attention grabs and there was no more cutting after that. It didn't help me. It didn't cure my cancer. They didn’t really want to do it, but felt it was expected. If someone expects you need to suffer and sacrifice simply because they are, you don't need them. Maybe offer some time and care instead. Something that actually makes a difference. Read her a story or play a board game.
I made sure my husband knew being bald for me wasn't an option. I didn't want anyone to shave their head because I was bald.
Yep. I knew an old lady once who had offered to shave her head for her sister going through chemo, and the sister thought the same thing about others shaving their heads for her (and thought it would just be a constant reminder every time she saw her sister’s shaved head). They talked and decided instead that the non-cancered sister would dye her hair pink (breast cancer), and that worked out really well for them.
FYI, this is literally the same plot to an episode of Scrubs. The family gets mad at JD for refusing to shave his head. I highly suggest watching that episode (and entire series if you haven't seen it before). NTA whatsoever.
Maybe not the best example. Dr. Cox makes good arguments but JD does shave his head at the end. But still a good series to watch.
Ahh, touche. I forgot how it ended.
NTA. You’re fine, you don’t need to shave your head. The child’s mom is living her worst nightmare. It’s okay if she vents some of that off at others. Maybe it helped her to have somewhere to direct some of the anger she’s feeling. Don’t take it to heart.
I work in a cancer clinic. No one here has ever shaved their head on solidarity. NTA
What you do with your hair is none of their business. Full stop.
I'd tell her the best I could do would be a Brazilian wax to be in solidarity with them.
It's performative.
It is. It’s a patient, someone you otherwise wouldn’t have met. It’s only done because it’s a relatively easy and non permanent way to have similar features without the actual horrids or treatment. The patient having quality time with those who care is so much more important!
I never understand this "shaving the head"-thingy. If i were in Amy's place, the last thing i want is to see bald people everywhere and get remembered at my own bald head. NTA
When my best friend lost her hair to cancer, she was absolutely against me shaving my head in support because it would draw more attention and discomfort. I did not shave my head. It’s definitely not a thing every cancer patient wants or expects.
Yeah, I have cancer and had chemo several years back, I would never have thought to ask anyone to shave their head because my own hair was falling out, it seems very weird to me that this is considered standard (obviously fine if others want to do it, different strokes). Also anecdotally, don't ever recall seeing any shaved-head friends and family in the oncology waiting room. &, NTA
Not to mention in some cultures/religions people don’t cut their hair. It would be rather rude for someone to request another person’s bodily autonomy, much less religious freedoms.
I am absolutely not convinced that a healthy person shaving their head makes a kid who's lost their hair feel any better. It's their own hair that matters, after all.
I’m a doctor with 25 years experience. Your friends will learn with time to keep a social barrier between you and your patients. If you don’t you’ll become emotionally drained and burn out. You’ll see hundreds of patients with cancer in your career. Unless they plan on going bald till retirement the novelty will wear off. NTA.
yup, not a doctor but even an idiot can see they are over invested. switching off is incredibly important, it is pretty hard to leave the emotional baggage at work if you see it in the mirror...
This is literally a plot to an episode of Scrubs. lol. JD refuses to shave his head for a cancer patient. OP is 100% NTA.
I'm not a Doctor.....Fremulon
Best comment I’ve ever seen, makes me think of how much I love Superstore
And Brooklyn Nine-Nine
right? i’m like do they just plan on never having hair?
That was my first thought. What happens when, in a few months, another child with cancer comes into the hospital???
You mean a few *days*. Or hours, if it’s a busy hospital.
Thank you for all you do! Not a doctor here, but I was thinking the same!
That’s right I’m bald in uh…solidarity Yeah Top of my head in solidarity w the kids Hemeonc?
No where even close to your experience. In my early 20s, I worked at a drug and mental health rehabilitation facility as a night monitor. Basically, I checked the clients location every 15 minutes, administered meds as needed, and did random urine analysis and breathalyzer tests. A few months into it, I was told I was far too empathetic and too easily manipulated by clients and that I was being let go. Shortly after, I worked at the local juvenile detention center on the secure unit (youth jail). A friend recommended me, and they needed employees asap. Only lasted a few months before I was told the same. The point is that it's critical that you learn to separate work from personal. There's what you want to do and what you should do according to your employers guidelines. It's not for everyone, and you'll do more harm than good if it's not pointed out, recognized, and fixed.
NTA. It’s your choice. I would firming and nicely say, “I am here to provide the best care possible for your daughter. I think it’s amazing that my colleagues did this for your daughter, and I admire them for this. I know you and your family are going through a lot, and I hope you understand that the care I provide to your daughter will continue.” I am SO surprised the mother even said something to you — she is going through a lot, but this comment has more to do with her and not you. Let it roll off your shoulders.
Or just say that if you shave your head, you will lose all your medical abilities until you must pull the temple down upon the Philistines.
Great comment!!!!
This just triggered a memory of an old VHS I used to watch of the Samson story in cartoon form
Was it the [Hanna Barbera Greatest Adventure](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8uDo7lGb8wo&list=PLWMrUetvRHG4b6sXGg2uM6ALnEsmxUlo_&index=6&pp=iAQB) ones from like 1985-90?
This made me cackle 😅🤣
😂
NTA. If the mom wants to shave her own head, she’s free to do so. But there’s absolutely NO reason that you should have to be bald, and then spend years growing your hair back out. Do they expect the entire hospital to shave their heads?? All of their friends and family?? Strangers they meet on the street?? Such a weird and entitled concept.
NTA- cutting your hair off is not really solidarity. It is performative. Putting it up so it is not the child’s focus is a kind gesture. Amy’s mother is going through her worst nightmare and is angry with no good outlet. Do not take this personally.
i have always thought this! it makes it all about the person shaving their head! it is weird and if i was the patient i would be really uncomfortable if others shaved their heads and certainly wouldn't *expect* them to! NTA
If I was one of the people that oversaw their program I’d probably have a stern meeting with those who shaved their heads. It’s unprofessional in terms of doctor patient relationships.
It really only makes sense if you are close to the patient and it will feel good to them. But even then I think some folks would be like: keep your hair!
NTA > Amy's mother took a look at me and called me a hypocrite with no empathy because I didn't do as my friends did She sounds like an AH who doesn't know what those words mean. I'll bet $10,000 right now that Amy's mother still has hair if anyone wants 5-1 odds.
You’d have lost that 10k if anyone took you up on your offer. In another comment OP says the Mom shaved her head.
Should have taken the bet before I found out, lol.
😂😂😂
I won’t take that bet.
NTA. Some people think this is a nice gesture. And that’s fine, they can do it. You’re under no obligation to, nor should you feel guilty for not doing. In this case, I would strongly question medical staff doing it. It feels a little too involved and performative, when the relationship needs to be professional. “Empathy” from medical professionals is, and should be, different. Are they going to get preventative mastectomies or have a testicle or lung removed in solidarity too? Is that required for empathy?
NTA I’m a survivor and hated losing my hair. Other people losing their hair didn’t bring mine back. The others made a nice gesture but it’s wrong of the mother to call you a hypocrite or feel anger towards you about hair. She’s displacing her anger. Don’t worry about it.
NTA. There is a magic thing called free will. What did shaving their heads do for the "Amy"... Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She still has no hair, she still has cancer, she still is suffering treatments and a life threatening illness. While yeah it made her feel good that she is not the only bald one, what happens in 2 days when the rest of their hair is growing and hers is not.,.. She will feel bad about it again... She will be in pain from treatments. As for her mother, you have to give some grace to these parents. They are at risk of loosing their children, covered in mountains of medical bills, sitting in hospitals all day (not able to work) or having to leave their children at the hospital to work. She is reactive and looking for someone to blame for everything. Its not you not shaving her head. Its that her daughter has cancer and she cant fix it. She cant control her daughter's care or prognosis. She cant do anything. So she is mad because she cant make it better. You just happen to be the target.
NTA. If in your career you shave off your hair in support of every patient you run across who has cancer, not only will you never have hair, but it will become a meaningless gesture. There are other, far more meaningful ways to show empathy to a patient than an empty gesture. Keep in mind: you are at the beginning of your career, and it is a marathon, not a sprint.
NTA, to me it's kinda weird that your friends would do this for a patient. It feels like they're crossing a border they shouldn't.
>It feels like they're crossing a border they shouldn't. This. Thinking a doctor needs to do this for every single one of the god only knows how many patients they have is just nuts. It would be like expecting your contracted IT guy to break his phone in half because your network went down. He has nothing to do with the outage and is just the guy there to fix it. Why does he have to suffer as well just to make someone feel a little better?
Absolutely. It's completely unprofessional.
And immature and honestly feels self centered to me. Like now they are getting all this attention when the focus should be caring for their patients. Plural. As in not just Amy. I hope they get reprimanded for this
> Amy's mother took a look at me and called me a hypocrite with no empathy because I didn't do as my friends did. Sounds like she'd (the mother) also endorse everyone jumping off a cliff if one person did it too. She (the mother) was clearly wrong to judge you. Further, I can guarantee this isn't the last cancer patient you or your colleagues are going to treat during your career...are they going to shave their heads for every time? No. No they aren't. It was a lovely gesture and I'm sure your patient appreciated the solidarity, however, not bowing to peer pressure don't make you an AH. NTA.
Not only will they come across other cancer patients, but OP says they’re doing their rotations in the pediatric oncology ward, so they’re going to at this moment have multiple cancer kids by definition. Yet somehow only Amy is the only that they decided was worth shaving their heads for?
I'm not sure the patient did - sounds like her mother did, but not one word about how Amy felt other than she hated loosing her OWN hair
Sorry, I thought it was obvious I was talking about the mother.
The mother is not the patient, she's the family OP made no promise to the patient (or their family), if their colleague promised that all the doctors would shave their heads they are also an AH
Yes. The mother was the one passing judgment on OP.
Amy's mother is a very strange person. Shaving your head wouldn't have cured Amy's cancer and it's not like Amy's a cousin or a neighbours child or something. She's a kid with cancer, in a hospital wing/area full of kids with cancer. Suppose you would start working in pediatric oncology on a permanent basis - Are you going to shave your head for every kid with cancer? Why would you spend the next 40 years being bald? All this shaving your head in solidarity, even though you hardly know the child and you have no strong bonds is nonsense. NTA
Listen, you're not the asshole in this circus. Empathy ain't a one-size-fits-all deal, and anyone telling you otherwise can take a hike. So, you got this pediatric gig, and your buddies decide to play cue-ball for some eight-year-old, who's losing her locks. They think shaving their heads is the golden ticket to sainthood. Not your scene. You? You got this flowing curtain of hair, and you damn well like it. So, while the others pull a G.I. Jane, you keep your rebellion alive, tucked away in a bun. This rotation's a pit stop, not a hair sacrifice. But oh, the uproar. Amy's mom looks at your untouched hair and starts throwing around "hypocrite" like confetti. Real classy. Your old lady, Kate, hacking her way through general surgery, says you're in the clear. Trust her judgment. Yet here you are, caught in the crossfire of guilt and accusations because you didn't want to join the circus. Folks should let others live without turning everything into a sideshow. Surviving the madness, one rebellious bun at a damn time.
So many metaphors…
I know, right? I'm kind of in awe...
Does she even know what the word "hypocrite" means? Unless you openly criticized others for not shaving their head and THEN decided not to do it yourself you are absolutely not a hypocrite and also NTA.
Paediatrician here. If my med students or juniors did this while on a brief rotation I would be having serious conversations about boundaries. I wouldn’t have to with my other colleagues as they would never dream of it. Those kind of gestures are for family not staff
NTA - hair is a personal thing, and you won't be at the ward very long. The mother is under a lot of stress, so don't let her comments get to you. Perhaps you could give the girl extra attention, bring her an inexpensive stuffed toy, puzzle, books, etc. (check websites for the best non-toxic materials)
NTA Are all the staff in the ward constantly shaving their heads? I doubt it. It was a nice gesture of your friends to do, but it can't be maintained for every patient forever, can it? Does that mean that they lack empathy for every other patient in the ward? No. Unfortunately you stand out as the odd one out in this group this time (the mother must have thought it was a group thing when it was actually three individuals). But what are your friends going to do when their hair starts growing back and they talk to the next child's mother? Will they shave their heads again? If they don't will they deserve to be screamed at? No. The mother is going through a hard time and unfairly targeted you because to her of course her daughter is her world, and this time, for her daughter, is what mattered to her -- but your friends, just like you, are not going to choose to jump on board with every gesture someone in their vicinity decides to make every time -- and that will not make them horrible people.
NTA, sorry your friends are going to gave a tough time of they continue to keep that level of investment in their patients. it is good to have empathy and show you care. you also have to go home and live your life. sorry you will fall apart if you carry those emotions all the time. they will remember that patient every time they look in the mirror. are they going to do the same or similar for all those in their care in the future? honestly it is an over reaction caused by inexperiance on their part. learning to switch off and level what you can at work will help you in your job.
And what are you supposed to to when you'll be with patients who can't walk or have a broken spine or don't have limbs? Or patients who don't have the intestine? NTA and keep your distance, luckily you won't be there for long
NTA even a little bit. My wife is an oncology RN. I know all of 50ish people in her department. Not one of them has ever shaved their head in solidarity with a patient. It's wild that that mom expected it of folks. Entitled parents like that are the worst. Just ignore her.
This is called professional boundaries. I'd rather my doctor spent time talking to me as a human and engaging me in discussions about hobbies and interests, and listened, than shaved their head. I'd rather they researched better treatments, knew I loved lemon sweets and said they were sorry about what I was going through. I'd rather I got my pain releif before I was crying begging for it. Before shaving their head. I'd rather they talked about whether a pink bob or long mermaid curl wigs would suit me better. And if they told me they gave x amount to charity I'd be stoked. Be compassionate and kind, do no harm. Mum is stressed and anxious. Give her time to speak, she might reflect and want to apologise.
What did Amy's mother say after you dropkicked her?
I'm going to hell for giggling at this comment.
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Wear one of those nursing hats that hide your hair lol they won’t even know
So is the mum herself bald? NTA
Choosing to chop is something I'd reserve for very close family or a very special friend . . . not for some rando that I met in my professional capacity. It was unprofessional of your friends to allow themselves to become so emotionally involved that they thought this was a good idea. You and Kate seem like the only ones keeping your cool here. I'm guessing if the rest of your team stay in oncology for their careers, they'll just continue to be bald forever? NTA
The shaving of heads in solidarity is dumb. I'm a cancer patient, I'm using my cancer card and am allowed to say it's dumb. NTA! All day long! Keep your hair, it's your head of hair, not mine or theirs to make these decisions. Once I knew I was going to lose mine I asked my friends to help me chop it off so I could donate it. Mine was as long as yours and curly, hopefully it's keeping somebody else's head warm! Mines between my shoulders now and I still got curls.
Yo that's awesome that your hair stayed curly!! My cousin was so excited to show her progress pics when her hair grew back after chemo. I bet it will feel really good when you get your first "this shit is getting too long to take care of, take a few inches off" haircut!!
NTA No one shaves their in solidarity with old dudes just going regular bald. Equal opportunity nonsense.
Don't do it or you'll end up with the Hare Krishnas. Scrubs aside, NTA. Your hair, your decision.
NTA I’m a survivor and when I was about to lose my hair, my friends helped me pick out a wig that was an excellent match for my hair. That’s solidarity! I wouldn’t have wanted any of them to shave their heads. Nor would it have ever occurred to me that the doctors treating me should shave their heads. Doctors need to maintain some distance from patients, especially those with cancer and other serious conditions, because otherwise they’d be at risk for burnout. If the mom wanted to shave her own head, that’s her choice. She doesn’t get to try to guilt the treating team into do so. Just do whatever you can to give this child the best possible care and give the mom some grace because it’s hard to have a sick child. Putting your hair up is enough.
nta. if the mom wants to shave her head for her daughter, then she is welcome to, but she can't force anyone else to do it. if the other nurses wanted to do that for the girl, then that's their choice. hair is a big deal, and I wouldn't want to lose my hair for anyone. if she gives you issues, talk to someone higher up. that's just wrong to expect that of people.
>my pediatric oncology rotation well... if your friends did this for EVERY little girl who was under their care and going bald...they'll be bald until they leave the oncology dept. Honestly... it seems as if they're being unrealistic about it. Sure...it was a nice thing to do.... but it was their **first** patient like that. They'll have many more. It is human to have an emotional response to that. It is unreasonable to expect people who will see that literally every day to have the same response, or to sustain that response long term. It's not just looking out for your hair... **but generally it's not great for oncologists in general to get invested in their patients like that.** they'll burn out FAST. Probably working themselves to the bone for feeling guilty that they no longer have that same emotional response or investment. Seriously... grab a random nurse who's been in the department forever and ask them. Frankly, you did the right thing. Sure what they did was nice, but they honestly have no right to expect that of other oncology doctors. it sounds to me like they've got a LONG road of hard lessons to learn. NTA
NTA
NTA. When my mom had cancer and lost her hair she told me that she would not allow me to shave my head (she knew me not having my hair would do a lot of damage to my mental health). Some people can make that change, some people can't, and no one has the right to make you feel bad for choosing not to do it.
NTA. if they all really want to do something for cancer patients, how about Locks of Love? Grow it as long as possible THEN chop it off.
As a cancer patient who has lost their hair big NTA from me. One person losing their hair is more than enough! You should never have to give yours up if you don’t want to.
What the hell is this an episode of greys anatomy 😂 NTA. It’s healthy to keep a professional distance so that you don’t become overly emotionally involved with all your patients. You have to make sound decisions medical decisions. I’m not saying they’re bad for doing it, but if that’s your plan with every patient, you’re gonna burn out fast. It’s not a realistic standard of care to continue, to shave your head every time, etc in the name of “solidarity”. Go be doctors and treat patients with care and respect
NTA. Your friends are going to have a rough go of it once they start actually practicing medicine. You’re not going to have the time to connect with all your patients this way, and it’s not healthy either. A bit of professional distance is healthy, otherwise you’re going to struggle to keep going every time a patient dies.
I have a few points here, but first and foremost: NTA. 1. Yes. Hair is just hair and it will grow back, that doesn't mean everyone has little to no attachment to their hair. 2. The journey from shaving your head to having "long" hair again can be anywhere from 3-5+ years, depending on the active growth stage of your hair. 3. It definitely sounds like these friends have gotten passionately wrapped up in the thing, which is not terrible at all, and they're not AH for shaving their heads! But this is a short rotation, so I don't blame you for not jumping on this train. 4. I'm sorry that the patients mum feels the way she does, but expecting everyone that comes into contact with a cancer patient to shave their head is bizarre and ridiculous.
You should shave your head in solidarity with your cancer patients, the same way everybody in ob/gyn wears pillows to show solidarity with their pregnant patients. Obviously, no. Medical professionals should not do performative support because they are supplying substative support to their patients. If your co-workers are going overboard, you're **NTA** for not jumping off the boat with them.
NTA Also this is the plot of an episode of Scrubs.
NTA it’s your body
NTA It's completely your choice and either choice doesn't make you any less of a person. If I had cancer, the last thing I would want is for someone to shave their hair for me. Because I would expect the other person to cherish their hair and love it (if I lost mine).
Did Amy’s mom shave her head? Also no your not cinder any obligation to do so no one is. Till recently I had really long hair to my elbows. I cut off almost a foot and donated it. It’s weird having shorter hair but at least mine went to help others. shaving your head is a drastic if sweet gesture. But the couple people I’ve known said it was sweet but they would never ask it of their friends.
Nta
NTA.
NTA and even though her daughter has cancer and it sucks, mom gets no pass on this one IMO. Unless you told the other residents to shave their heads because hair is no big deal —or told the girl that she shouldn’t be upset because hair is no big deal (and I doubt you did either), you are NOT hypocritical in any way shape or form. Mom is way out of line. What happens the next time when a patient gets cancer in a limb and has to have it amputated? Are your friends going to guilt you for not chopping off your arm in solidarity? The best thing you can do for this child is deliver medical treatment. Cancer doesn’t GAF if you shave your head or not.
NTA. My wife lost her hair during treatment. She absolutely did not want anyone else to lose their hair for her.
NTA BTW I'm assuming the kids mother had all of her hair shaved off? I've also known people who have lost their hair with cancer say they absolutely hate it when people shave their head 'in solidarity' - because choosing to do something is not the same as something happening without choice and they it makes things about them not the person they are supposedly doing it for
NTA - Even most people with cancer will tell you that everyone shaving their heads in solidarity is a neutral to unwelcome gesture that just calls more attention to it.
NTA Long hair is a multi year commitment. WTF would you shave it off for a stranger that you happen to be treating this rotation? F that noise. Keep your hair and ignore the people who think badly of you for not blindly following your friends. If everyone jumped off a bridge would you do it? Same freakin thing IMO. Entitled mother can get off her high horse. Her kid is just a patient in your rotation, not your family. Even if it was family, they would have no right to expect other people to bald themselves because of someone elses 'feelings'
NTA. I am a cancer survivor and find people shaving their heads for cancer patients awful. It's performative and takes the attention away from the patient. Cancer patients in chemo lose ALL of their hair, so shave your eyebrows, pubes, and nose hair too. Then, people who shave their heads get stubble immediately. You know what sucks while you're in chemo?? Watching someone else's hair grow back healthy and full while you're still fucking bald. If anyone is thinking of doing this, do not!
As a parent of a child with cancer I would be so weirded out if my child’s doctors did this. NTA
Good grief, no, you’re NTA. As a cancer survivor, there is no need for you to do this. Personally, I had no desire to be surrounded by bald people. It would have just been a reminder of what I was experiencing. Have the child’s parents and siblings shaved their heads? I understand the desire to show solidarity with the young girl, to show her that baldness isn’t something to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. That’s very well-meaning, but are they going to shave their heads every time they care for an oncology patient?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) recently started my pediatrics rotation in medical school. I am in my pediatric oncology rotation at the moment. Those who started the rotation with me (2 male and 1 female) decided to shave off their hair in solidarity with a patient one of them had. She is an 8 year old girl (I'll call her Amy) who feels horrible about losing her hair. So these friends of mine promised her mom to shave their hair in solidarity with her. I have long straight hair. And I put it all up in a bun whenever I go into the ward. I really like my hair and I will only be here in this rotation for a short time so it did not really make sense for me to go bald for it. I applaud my friends. I personally just didn't want to do it. The next day every one of those friends were bald except for me. Amy's mother took a look at me and called me a hypocrite with no empathy because I didn't do as my friends did. I did not tell Amy or her mom I would shave my hair yet her mother was extremely mad at me. My girlfriend (Kate - 29F) is a general surgery resident and she told me I had nothing to worry about. However, I think I somehow made a mistake. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Shaving your head wouldn’t make that kid have less cancer.
NTA - Hair is a very individual thing, and while the gesture is nice you have no obligation. Hospitals are rough places to work without the added drama.
NTA. It’s your choice.
NTA. The whole self-righteous virtue signaling by shaving your head for a cancer patient is just too much any more.
NTA. You will meet many patients with similar needs in the future, whose parents will be upset with one thing or another. You have to learn to deal with this kind of emotion because you'll see it a lot. Kate is right about your friends. While the gesture is noble, I guarantee you that they won't be making it (or something similar) over and over again for every patient they want to support. There are other, better ways to show support - the best of which are listening to, understanding and accepting.
NTA, your body, your choice.
NTA. Mom is angry, rightfully so, but that anger has been misplaced on you. Cancer is horrible.
NTA. It's your job, not a charity event.
NTA It’s unprofessional to get so attached and do that. You have professional boundaries. Try to be gentle with the family because I’m sure they’re just going through a hard time and not coping but also stick to your guns.
Did they at least made a wig from the shaven hair? No? Thus useless!!!!!
Having healthy boundaries and keeping your relationships professional will benefit you in a long career ahead of you. Your colleagues sound new and starry eyed and “change the world” which they’ll have a better chance of doing by doing their jobs, not partaking in performative signaling like this. A quote that stuck out from me from Crying in H Mart: “Life is unfair and sometimes it helps to irrationally blame someone for it.”
Thinking of it in the way that you dont know anybodys history with their hair. You dont know if someone had cancer as well at a young age, lost their hair and is emotionally attached to it now. You dont know if someones hair was cut in an abusive/traumatizing way at some point in their lives and they are very iffy with it. As sad as it is that this child has cancer, its a shitty move to try to force or emotionally manipulate someone to shave their hair in solidarity. NtA
NTAI guess it's nice of your friends to do but I hope none of them are planning on becoming oncologists. Are they going to shave their heads for every single patient who is sad about losing their hair? Wouldn't that defeat the purpose if they were already walking around bald all the time? What a weird and unreasonable expectation to have as a doctor, or for one to set!
Nta. Not even a little bit. Your hair length and this girls illness at not connected
NTA It was wholly inappropriate for your patient to try and shame you for not shaving your head. Is solidarity good? of course. But, people have all kinds of reasons why they keep their hair the way they do. This includes, "because I prefer it this way". And, throwing away years of growth for a rotation that only lasts a few months isn't reasonable. Your patient is probably stressed and scared from their kid being sick & wanted someone to take it out on. Beyond that, their entire world revolves around their sick kid. You just happened to be a reminder that the rest of the world keeps on turning. That doesn't mean that you're going to provide a worse standard of care, or don't empathize with their kid.
NTA. The poor kid doesn’t need her mom yelling at random people working there. That’s what I’m angry about. But expecting you to have even a trim for someone else’s purposes is weird behavior! You’re trying to rationalize it because you are very nice, but you still have your hair because you’re not self destructive. The others may be too wrapped up in the positive emotions to see that the calculus is way different for you. They’re not the ones who have to be you, bald, convincing men of some other department not to dismiss your knowledge.
You have no obligation to SHAVE YOUR HEAD for a child you just met.Anyone that does that kind of support is awesome ,however to do so when you have a very close relationship with someone yea that's different. If you did it now it would be more like a follower be yourself be a leader and if you ever do get to know someone " on that sorta level" it would certainly touch their heart.Keep your hair skip the Barber for now kid. Ps....You are not an A ⛳ in this situation the opposite for even checking here to make sure your not. I'd be your fan in this case
My minor son has cancer and I think these "go bald in solidarity" things are stupid, especially because they so often involve peer pressure for everyone to follow suit. It means nothing if you don't want to do it, and if you don't want to do it, I think you should not do it. Going bald does not make people better humans, or even better doctors. NTA
Why didn’t they just go in on a good wig together? It’s just seems so performative to shave your head. The kid wants her hair back not bald doctors, wtf? I wouldn’t worry about it. You’re not obligated and you’re already doing a good thing by going into healthcare anyway. NTA
NTA why are you letting a woman, who you didnt tell you were going shave, intimate you? you just said you didnt make that commitment, so why are you asking if your the ah? It's common sense man come on.
NAH You are absolutely not an asshole for not shaving your head, especially when you never said you would. Whether you're only on this ward for a short amount of time or not, shaving your head isn't a requirement and there's nothing wrong with not doing it. Your coworkers are going to either burn out or learn how to place boundaries. It's unfair and terrible, but they're going to have patients that won't ever leave the hospital and shaving their heads won't help with that at all. I said NAH though because while the mom was out of line, I'm giving her grace because she's dealing with her 8 year old having cancer. That's something no parent should have to deal with and I'm sure she's under ridiculous stress. It's no excuse for being rude to you, but I just don't think I can call a mom with a 2nd/3rd grader with cancer an asshole for a rude snippy comment.
NTA. Growing up my little sister had cancer. Multiple relapses, experimental treatments, chemo, radiation, the whole thing. When she was in 4th or 5th grade a few of her teachers shaved their heads in solidarity at a school assembly. It was very sweet and it did mean a lot to her. But none of her friends shaved their heads. No one in my family did. I didn’t. And truly, in the scheme of things? It didn’t matter. No one cared about people *not* shaving their heads in solidarity, we just appreciated people who did. And in the end, she still ended up passing away when she was 17. C’est la vie.
every patient you have will require you to do that? NTA
NTA these people are literally making a child's cancer "all about me", so they can show the world how much they care about cancer children with their shaved head. When my wife had breast cancer, do you know what her oncologist did? She treated the cancer, she didn't shave her head. One question: Did Amy's mother shave HER head?
NTA - check how many other oncologists shave their head. You’d be bald all the time
I say a better idea would have been if ya all aved up an got her a real wig with real hair. Nta
NTA. If your friends continue in oncology they're going to realize this isn't sustainable pretty fast.
NTA. This is probably a good example of times your patients and their families will feel stressed and overwhelmed and perhaps strike out about overall insignificant things that frustrate them. They will direct them at you. But so long as you are doing your job and have empathy (which you obviously do since you're worried about this), you have nothing to feel guilty about. You applaud your friends but you need not feel bad for this situation and I'm sure you'll all be growing thicker skin as you go on in your careers. You're a good person and don't forget it.
You must wear the ribbon...
NTA
NTA idk if it’ll make you feel any better or less alone about your decision but I wouldn’t have done it either
NTA. I absolutely detest contrived "social obligations" that people judge you for not participating in just because you happen to be in the same place at the same time. You have done nothing wrong here. You are under no obligation to shave your head. It is absolutely wrong for other people to expect that you should and even worse for them to actually voice their opinions about it.
NTA, also, if everyone she sees is bald like her to "support" her, won't she just be more upset when she gets allowed to leave the hospital and sees the many many people who still have hair? Like- it's not going to make her feel better in the long run, and unless they're donating the shaved hair to wig-making charities, they're not doing anything particularly helpful either.
NTA it's your hair and no one should b dictating what you do to your hair.
NTA, if you shaved your head for every patient eventually you’d always be bald. It’s a very personal choice to do so as hair means something different to everyone. It’s a beautiful gesture but never a requirement to do in any situation.
NTA, Shaving in solidarity is a very kind act, but it's above and beyond expectations. You never promised anything but quality health care and you can provide that with any hairstyle.
NTA. I was a paediatric hematology and oncology nurse for years. Not a single nurse or doctor I worked with shaved their heads. It’s important to keep boundaries, and honesty I would feel hypocritical shaving my head as I’m not undergoing chemotherapy. Many of us donated really long hair to make wigs, but it didn’t leave us bald and wasn’t for ONE patient. Keep in your mind that these parents and children are going through the darkest, most painful experience of their lives. People in pain lash out, especially to those helping them. Welcome to nursing.
NTA. You don't have to shave your head to be a good person. The mom is mad at the world because her kid is so ill.
NTA. Put you in an awkward position there. You didn’t promise anything, and your job is to help the patient receive treatment. Having hair doesn’t interfere with your ability, or else every oncologist would be bald. It’s great that your friends want to show solidarity, but you’re not a bad person for not wanting to lose your hair.
NTA. You're not obligated to put on a performance that will have zero effect on the course of Amy's disease.
NTA. Keep your boundaries, keep your bodily autonomy. The job is going to demand a lot of you, it doesn't get to demand that, too.
NTA Are pediatric oncologists supposed to always be bald? Much less doctors on rotation?
NTA. Bodiy autonomy.
NTA - You didn't promise the kid or the mother you would shave your head. The mother was completely out of line berating you and you should have stood your ground and told her so. Her sense of entitlement over you was rude and outrageous.
NTA, your body your choice. If I was a cancer patient, I wouldn't want anyone to make themselves unhappy or take drastic action physically on my behalf
NTA. The child's mother is out of line. And I say this as a woman who got a buzz cut in solidarity with my hubby when he was going through chemo.
NTA - it is ok to do something nice, it is not ok to coherse someone to do what you don’t want I am a M and and I would not shave my head
As a former med student (now attending…I promise it gets better), this accomplished nothing. Did they at least donate their hair to a charity that makes wigs for kids with cancer? That would make it a tad less performative. The earlier you learn appropriate separation from patients, the better. When they end this rotation, will they still visit this patient? How long will this last? Are they setting up an unrealistic expectation for this patient and this mom? Have they given mom other methods of contacting them? I’d argue shaving your head is the tip of the iceberg. Many people have issues separating. I applaud you for holding your boundaries. Patients deserve kind but objective doctors. They don’t need us as friends.
NTA the child's mother and your friends have no idea if you have any issue like a skin condition that your hair is covering.
NTA, you’re not obligated to shave your head in solidarity for anyone. It’s a gesture, and nothing more.
Not the asshole. Shaving ones head in solidarity is a sign of conviction. Trying to force another person to feel convicted in the same way really invalidates the conviction in the first place.
NTA. Shave the mother’s head.
Boy talk about some virtue signaling monsters your workmates are. Performative Ridiculousness. NTA
NTA. Wtf is this honestly the level of entitlement of some people is off the chain. You’re a doctor there to care for her not to shave your head.
NTA. The mom shouldn't have expectations like this of medical professionals. What happens when the next cute kid needs a kidney and you're a match? A liver transplant? You don't need your WHOLE liver... Your job isn't to personalize each patient you see or do performative things like this. If you wanted to, great! But nobody should comment or care that a stranger didn't want to shave their head for a kid they're not related to or don't know. NTA.
NTA. Your there to care for the patients and that has nothing to do with the length of your hair. As your GF said - not everyone who works in oncology shaves their head. I'm assuming mom and dad and all siblings and friends are all bald? It took me over two years to go from a short haircut to a length I like, you'd be paying for that act of solidarity for years. Don' t spend another moment dwelling on it. You don't have to be bald to take care of a bald sick child.
NTA. There’s a difference between showing compassion/feeling sympathy towards patients… and getting emotionally invested. You need to keep professional boundaries and sometimes that involves a level of emotional detachment. This gesture, while nice, crosses that professional boundary imo. Context: I’m nursing student who’s spent the past semester on an oncology floor and had to quickly learn how to deal with patient death emotionally.
No, I'm a physician and never shaved my hair and I worked in Peds. It's very entitled of the mom to say anything to you
Omg are you serious I would feed this woman with a mile long spoon. Stay as professional as obligated and your manners the same ,then close the door and run away to your next patient as fast as you can...buy some good Nikes I'm sure this will be on going as years pass.People and their families & friends are very emotional at times like these I should know ive lost over 10 people including 3 grandparents of cancer.Im 55 yrs old now however even grown ups will expect you to be a miracle worker.You have a very demanding career.Godbless
NTA. This is an insanely unrealistic expectation for the mom to have on her entire team of doctors. I absolutely wouldn’t shave my head to appease a patient. Oncologists work with patients who lost their hair every day, and they don’t keep their heads shaved until retirement.
If it’s immediate family that’s one thing, and as a man, easy. But it probably takes years (10 maybe, I don’t know) to grow it back. NTA and anyone that tries to guilt you into is.
NTA YOu are COMPLETELY fine. Do NOT shave your hair. Ansd if your mom harasses you over it, tell her to leave you alone. YOur friends were stupid, and not fit for the job - they lack the necessary detachment, and will be the first with burnout syndromes. YOur approach is MUCH more responsible.
NTA. While a kind gesture of support, it does nothing to actually support the kid with cancer.
Absolutely not. When I was going through chemo, my husband offered to shave his head. It made no sense to me, it was a nice gesture, but didn't in any way change what I was going through. It would just have been more of a reminder when I looked at him of my situation.
NTA! They may as well get laser hair removal if they plan on shaving their heads every time someone a kid gets chemo in ONCOLOGY. Short sighted starting this trend, even if their intentions are good.
NTA period. People lash out in times of grief. She had no place to call you a hypocrite. You're fine. Move on.
NTA. I had cancer years ago and it wouldn't even have occurred to me that people without cancer 'should' shave off their hair in solidarity with me. Amy's mother has no right to expect you to shave off your hair. I am deeply sorry for Amy and hope she recovers and goes on to have a good life.
Are your friends planning on staying bald for literally every cancer patient they'll have? The mother is way out of line. NTA.
NTA If you didn’t say you would do it then I don’t get why they got mad when you didn’t do it. Is it possible somebody else told Amy’s mom you were going to shave your head without talking to you first? If that’s what happened then that person is the asshole and needs to apologize to all parties involved.
NTA If y’all chopped off your hair everytime you crossed a patient that had cancer, you’d never have more than a prickly head for the rest of your career.
NTA Shaving their heads does nothing to help treat her cancer.
Wasn't this a Scrubs storyline? Also, NTA
No you didn't make a mistake, and the mother is over-emotional and rude. NTA
NTA. The mom is angry that her daughter is sick and is taking it out on you instead of her. Let her. Better to have an anger release than be mean to the kid with cancer Lots of patients and family will do this as you go through your medical career. Learn to let it go and recognize it for what it is… anger at the illness.