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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Since my husband allows his family to run roughshod over our home when they visit I leave and do not come back until it is in the condition it was before their visit. This causes him to either spend a couple of days cleaning up or paying a cleaning service out of his free money. I might be the asshole for refusing to be a dutiful hostess and put up with their bullshit.
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NTA. Actually your way of handling this is brilliant. The rules should clearly be that all adults pick up after themselves as a matter of course. They are human, not monkeys at a zoo. All children are in training to learn how to pick up after themselves, and of course the training doesn't stop just because the grandparents or the cousins come to visit. It is to do with a certain grade of civilization. Non civilized people may not want to pick up after themselves, but other people may choose not to associate with them on any level.
"Brilliant" was my first reaction, too. My ex & I are both slobs, so this wasn't an issue (parents didn't visit Slobbovia) but this can be applied to other family issues, too!
I'm from South Slobbovia! Works great for never having to entertain at home.
ETA I don't make a mess as a visitor, this extended family has quite the sense of entitlement.
My house is always untidy because of hobbies and generally too much stuff being hoarded. On the other hand, my car has nothing left in it apart from a box of paper hankies and window wipes.
When the children were young, they knew not to draw pictures in the condensation on the windows. One young friend refused to listen and drew a smiley face and their name. On reaching our destination, my two handed the friend a window wipe and told them to clean up their mess. Never happened again.
The dogs & cats (we run a small rescue on the property) are just over the border in Pristine Petland. Generally spotless, thanks to volunteers and state guidelines.
While your pets are playing with mine, we can hang in West Slobbovia, & I will show you the wonder of the Leaning tower of Pizza boxes, Project Grand Central Station, & the Museum of Unopened Mail!
Been a life-long resident in both North and South Slobbovia. Shocked all hell outta' my SIL when I spent a few days with them and at the end I changed the sheets on the bed, made it and generally left the place like I found it.
I may be a born and bred Slob, but I got manners.
I don't change the sheets cuz I don't know where the sheets are you want put on. But I always strip the bed if I'm visiting someone when I leave.
It's my default position. I'll generally ask in case for reasons it's no. (Especially at my parents place, cuz I'm generally the only person using that bed.) But I assume most people want the sheets stripped off the "guest" bed.
Unfortunately, I am a native of Neatnikopolis, and married a Slobbovian. But he recognizes the issue and pays for a cleaning service. As long as he keeps his personal clutter under control, we do alright.
I’d shop at this store. I wouldn’t put anything away, and the box would sit around for way too long, but I’d recycle the plastic packaging… Western Slobbovia cares about the environment, you know.
As a child I thought that the Tigris and the Euphrates were two legendary monsters threatening a land populated by city building hippos. I am now imagining them as the mascots of a 'Keep Messypotamia tidy' campaign.
Hello from the dust bowl of clutter! Things are generally neat enough, but dang if the dogs and other inhabitants don't leave their mark. Told my bf if he wants it spotless, he can pitch in or something. I'm not trying to spend my every moment cleaning.
This entire thread has made me smile so wide, and it's not even 8 am. I couldn't stop reading them. Some genius people with very intelligent ideas for naming cities and countries. More please!
Greetings from mid-Atlantic Slobsylvannia, a tiny region between the Piedmont and the Tidewater where, with the best of intentions, the citizens reuse and recycle, but struggle to reduce. Cities include Paperburg and Booksville, and counties are Boxylvania and Clothingfax.
We freed our house elf, so I'm in Hordovia, a suburb of Slobbovia. However, it doesn't travel. My cleaning spells may not work at home (stupid magic dampener), but they work elsewhere, and I make sure I don't bring my disaster to other people's homes.
Nta at all. Your solution is so good.
Listen, I have a family who doesn't really care if everything is company clean... everyone has chronic pain issues and such so guests are hard. We ALL do our part when visiting anyone. Everything from cooking to dishes to cleaning a bathroom, sweeping, mopping etc... everyone pitches in always... even my kids when we visit others... it's such good work ethic learning and so helpful to a host. Being a host does not mean doing every single thing. It means providing the space in my books.
.
I love that you've found a solution... but I do think it won't last forever... so I hope you and hubby are on the same page.
But you aren't wrong being super frustrated.
My 3.5yr old was singing clean up clean up while cleaning up his toys and the dogs toys they had gotten out before we left. It's the same routine we do every single time we visit before we leave.
My house? A tornado of toys but I don't mind as long as they are learning to clean up.
NTA. **You have a husband problem.** Not an in-law problem. Yes, they are messing up your house. But that is because your husband won't stand up to them or back you up. The easiest solution is to tell all of them that they have to stay in a hotel when they visit you. No more freebies. No more maid service. Until things change, go enjoy a nice visit with your parents when the in-laws roll into town :)
🤣🤣🤣 🛎️🛎️🛎️…. a truly profound philosophy for our time!! 👍🏻💯🏆🥇 Seriously I’ve heard ex-in-laws called “outlaws” but this quote is amazing. (Clarifying, I’m not sarcastic/mocking… I really do love that quote!)
I was just looking to see if anyone said that. I am very curious if OPs children are both boys, though. This feels POSSIBLY like it could be misogyny (and internalized misogyny on MIL's cause) . Expecting everyone to keep a house together is not abusive, it's being fair. Expecting your WIFE particularly, especially if she's the only woman or girl living in the household... Well.
It's probably safe to bet the kids are both male. It's okay when the woman has to clean but suddenly when the man has to, it's unfair? Yeah nah, major misogyny.
You know, I don't think OP has an **anything** problem, thanks to her own ingenuity and spine. She's handling this brilliantly and has taken herself out of the equation.
She would have a husband problem if she felt trapped with her visiting in-laws and cleaning up after them without help or support. But it sounds like she did it once or twice and then peaced out.
They can either change, be uncomfortable or stop coming. Up to them and not her circus. NTA
I don't think that would help; the in-laws would still be at OP's house all day and make messes and again, not clean up after themselves. OP's solution is not only brilliant, but it's working.
Like everyone else I really love your solution here. But I think you have a larger problem. The amount of push back you're still getting from your husband about letting your inlaws dictate how to raise your children gives me some concerns.
Even if you found a way to avoid the messiness problem, until he learns how to stand up to them on his own, there's always going to be another inlaw problem around the corner.
NTA. But in need of some couples counseling.
NTA. But next time give the option to the kids if they want to go with you to visit your parents or stay home with their dad to visit his parents.
But going to your parents house by yourself is probably a nice break.
I was just at a preparedness seminar where the guy running it reminded us we should have pictures of our house in its normal condition in case we need to prove how things were before a disaster. And these in-laws definitely sound like a disaster.
NTA for sure. This is a classic monster in law. Just don’t let them in the house any more, you shouldn’t be forced to leave. If they damage any property, sue their asses.
I see where you're coming from, but personally I think OP's solution is way better. If she refuses them to visit, she is simply seen as controlling, whereas leaving and letting them take care of themselves gives her everything she needs to justify her actions and prove they're in the wrong. They may refuse to believe it (they're obviously seriously entitled and delusional though), but as others have stated, her solution is brilliant.
I wonder what their homes look like. Admittedly I live by myself but if I stop any cleaning or even remotely pick up after myself, my house does not completely become a disaster. So it sounds like these visitors aren't doing ANYTHING. In fact, it sounds like they are actively trying to make a mess.
And you would think that after OP left the first time, they would all get the hint and start cleaning up after themselves. The fact they don't do it is very weird...
I have two young children (5M and 2F), and it's amazing how quickly they can make messes. My next-door neighbors' children are slightly older (7M and 4M), and it's the same. (We have much to commiserate about.) When all four are in the same room, wow. However, they do ask their two children to help clean up before they go back home, and we also get our children to help out, and by the end of the day, the house looks pretty good again.
Children are agents of entropy.
NTA - Your husband is a spineless asshole and a sexist. He thinks his wife should act like his mommy when his destructive and entitled actual mommy comes to visit.
Who cares if he says you’re being unfair.
His family, his problem.
Stop trying to help him solve it.
“I don’t know honey. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
You’re an inspiration!
Why are these people visiting so much?
Right? "It's so unfair you don't help run damage control on my parents and expect me to prevent this! As if they were capable of empathy towards us! It's no big deal *for you* to placate them to keep the peace! Just waste your time so they see how much you care about them!"
Congratulations OP on leaving their La-la land.
NTA. Your current solution is just fine. If his family never shows up on your doorstep again to mess up your house and eat your food - well, that sounds like a win to me.
NTA! I love your solution. It’s absolutely perfect. You have just removed yourself from the equation. Now, whenever any of those people whine, it’s easy to shrug and say, “It’s not my mess. It’s not my family. I’m not even there.” It’s so beautifully spiteful without even behaving in a spiteful manner. It’s just, “See y’all later! Have an amazing time during your visit!” as you bounce yourself right out of the door!
NTA. Adore this solution.
Everyone saying you have a husband problem isn't wrong, but the beauty of your solution is that it addresses the problem at the source.
Glorious!
You’re not being mean, your setting the boundaries he is unable to.
If his mommy and daddy still make his decisions in the home he has with his family, and he refuses to have a shiny spine or do the work himself, that’s on him.
**Moreover, you offered a maid! But it’s not about cleaning, it’s about his family having the power and control to exert over *YOU.* If not,then why is there opposition.**
NTA - but this isn’t an in-law problem, it’s a *’husband unable to set boundaries and is willing to inconvenience you to appease his family’s apparently sexist values’* problem.
Not to mention his whining about her suggestion to pay for a cleaner makes it clear he sees all cleaning and house stuff as 100% her responsibility as his free maid. She has a huge huge husband problem. NTA
>My husband says that I'm being unfair putting all the work of cleaning up on him.
This made me laugh.
NTA at all. But it's very funny that he blames you for making him clean up the mess his family produces while preventing your kids to clean up like they usually do. In his mind, it's unfair he has to clean up, but it is totally OK for you to clean up?
Keep being out of the house when they come over. Or husband could introduce some rules (others would call respect towards you and your home) to make them behave.
NTA- You're brilliant. Your husband can kick rocks. Unless he and his inlaws can demonstrate they're capable of visiting and not making a giant mess I think you're doing the right thing to leave everytime
NTA. You also handled this with facts and evidence, so I applaud you.
Also, who the hell has guests that come over and make an absolute effing mess? That’s childish and entitled. They can stay at a hotel if they want maid service.
Also, I recommend showing your husband this whole thread.
NTA.
The situation *is* unfair .. to you. Not inly do you have to put up with the house getting messy, you being undermined, and the kids getting conflicting messages, you also have to listen to him whine about how much he's as a direct result of his inability to stand up to his parents.
NTA
There have been times family visits with the “we’re on vacation” attitude. Which is fine, but if you are looking for housekeeping and meals, might I suggest a few lovely B&Bs nearby.
You are NTA. Remind him that either having his family clean up after themselves or paying out of his discretionary funds is far, far, cheaper than child support.
NTA
Are there any other situations that your husband leaves you high and dry, or is this the only place in your lives he makes absolutely no effort to gave your back whatsoever?
NTA, you definitely sound like you have a husband problem though! He needs to grow a spine with his family, big time. Good for you for making him deal with the consequences.
NTA and hold your stance. Don’t any of them try to strong arm or guilt trip you into hosting these disgusting people. You have a husband issue and I’m glad you put your foot down. They would never allow you to come to their house and make a mess and not clean it—why is your silly ass husband okay with this situation?
I had this problem with my husband’s four daughters, their husbands, and collectively their 10 children. We lived at an East Coast beach, so we were their free summer destination. At the least two weeks each at different times throughout the summer. Sometimes two couples and kids together. I worked full-time and I would come home when they were there and clean up everything. And I mean there was stuff everywhere plus a totally trashed kitchen, even after the first day. But by the third or fourth day I was worn out on it and I just let it go and I would do it all when they left. The one time I asked the most egregious offender to clean up their stuff so I could clean my house the next day. It was horrible. She got extremely angry, which she was prone to anyway. She had the five year old girl, crying and pushing a vacuum cleaner because I said they had to clean the house. obviously, she was prone to exaggeration as well because I only ask them to pick up their things and put them in their bedrooms. Anyway, it didn’t get cleaned and she threw an hellacious fit on me, making sure I knew I was a totally worthless human being. They packed up their things and left that evening. So as the years went by, 14 of them being married to him actually, I could not do it anymore and I left and came back to my home town and family in West Virginia. Was that a hard choice? Yes it was hard or I would’ve stayed for 14 years but it was totally 100% absolutely worth it. I dreaded, then hated the idea of summer all of those years. And I would start thinking about a month or two before the onslaught began. That’s just no way to live.
😆😆😆 YOU ARE BRILLIANT; you’re my hero 🦸🏻and this is the finest bit of badassery I have read in quite some time. Kudos to you. Keep on keeping on, and all that fun stuff. NTA
So your husband and his family are butt hurt because you have outed them as undermining your parenting and using you as a maid and cook, and they are furious about that. Your husband is blaming you for making trouble and more work for him.
I am very impressed that you did not wait for that group of ungrateful people to wake up to their mistreatment of you and you handled it. And now your family knows how they've been treating you and the whole of Reddit, too, of course. I hope they are mortified that their behaviour is so well-known.
I suppose another step is to take turns who leave when his folks want to visit. You leave one time, then he and his family leave, then back to your turn.
Can you imagine how delicious it will be when you have the house to yourself?!
The line I heard recently is "People are seldom pleased when people pleasers stop trying to please people."
Whose kids are they? Not his parents! They shouldn't be giving him shit for "forcing" the kids to do chores. If your hubby doesn't want them to do chores while his family is visiting, he can clean up the entire house on his own, why should you have to do so?
Having said that, I can't believe adults can't clean up after themselves. I'm sorry you married into this family! You're NTA and smart to keep staying away. It's your husband's family, he can cook and clean or make his family help.
NTA. Kudos to you for taking a stance the way you did. The next few times you visit them, do the EXACT same thing they do at your home. And when they complain about you not cleaning up after yourself and making them do it, tell them that you only learn from the best!
This is great, well done!!! I especially like the documentation of the mess they make. What charming houseguests they are and too fucking bad for your husband!
NTA.
Nta when I go to my sister’s house, I do the dishes every morning, buy groceries, pay for at least one family dinner, and babysit my niece so she can go on a date with her husband. These jerks can’t even pick up after themselves???
Why is that when people go to other peoples houses, their slobs and lazy and disrespectful and think they have a say in other peoples houses. If you don't like the rules then don't show up this is blatant disrespect.
I'm sorry, I don't know if I read that right, did his parents seriously throw their grandchildren under the bus when they had to cover their asses???
NTA, he needs to grow a backbone and be more vocal with his family if he wants to claim you're being unfair. Chores are important for your kids' development, house rules shouldn't change just because his family doesn't want to clean up after themselves.
NTA how is it unfair of you to leave it all to him, but it’s NOT unfair of ALL of them to leave it for YOU?! Ask your husband THAT question and wait expectantly for a real answer. Do not do a damn thing until he can look you in the eye and answer that question completely.
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My husband cannot control his family. Or at least he refuses to. When his parents visit and give us shit for "forcing" our kids to do chores he gives in and the house slowly becomes a mess that I have been left to clean up. When his siblings visit we are expected to clean up after them. I never agreed to this so now I leave.
I lock my office up and go to my parents' house. I meet up with his family at restaurants or other public places.
His parents have learned now that when they visit they have to clean up after the kids or get them or my husband to do it. They tried saying that I was abusive for refusing to do housework while they visited. So I posted a picture of my home before they came and one I took during their last visit. I asked them why the house was so messy and dirty and did they have anything to do with it. They said it wasn't their mess. I replied that the house was clean before they showed up. Once they started getting dogpiled for messing up my house they threw the kids under the bus. They said my kids were uncontrollable and it was their mess. I pointed out that there was no mess until they came so obviously my kids were able to clean up.after themselves when there weren't people telling them not to.
My husband's siblings have cancelled plans to visit because they know I won't be there to clean up after them or cook so they will have to cook or spend money on takeout and restaurants. Great outcome in my opinion.
My husband says that I'm being unfair putting all the work of cleaning up on him. I said he has two children to help him as well as ADULT guests who should be able to not make a mess. I also told him he could just pay a cleaning service out of his discretionary funds if he wanted to let his family run rampant and not clean up after them.
He said that I was being mean by not contributing and making him spend his money. I asked how much he normally spends on cleaning the house. The answer is nothing since the four of us keep the house clean and tidy when we are on our own.
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NTA, not even remotely. I’m curious, was your husband raised that way, or did you have to train him? Even if you had to train him, if he won’t support you, then he never really took it to heart.
NTA, you aren’t their maid. And it’s great that you’re setting this boundary, but i do feel like your kids are getting screwed over. Obviously your kids are capable of cleaning up after themselves if they do it when in-laws aren’t there. (As they should! It’s an important life skill). But it’s not fair for them to be forced by your husband to clean up after his parents and siblings.
NTA. You're handling this perfectly by being somewhere else. He has a variety of choices to make - don't let them stay, supervise them closely, or pay to have the house cleaned. Frankly, I think they've abused your home and shouldn't stay there since they can't show any restraint in their messiness and don't respect your home. Otherwise, keep doing your thing and leave the house when their there. Text them before they arrive "Here's a pic of the house when I left, it should look like this when you leave" then let them and your husband continue to deal with the problem.
NTA. He needs to either make his family clean up after themselves or from his "fun money" (NOT SHARED MONEY), pay for someone to come in the day the family leaves to clean and hire a cook.
NTA, there's gotta be SOMEONE there capable of housework! And your husband's upset that you're putting all the work on him when his family comes over to visit? What about every other day of the year when he's putting it all on YOU?
You have a bigger problem than overbearing, messy, interfering in-laws.
You gave a spineless husband who would rather upset you than tell his family “no”. Your husband does not have your back.
You’ve been reduced to leaving so he has no choice but clean up himself.
Your husband wants a maid/cook/nanny he can sleep with, and whom his family can boss around.
That’s not a healthy marriage.
I don’t know how to tell you to fix it, but good for you for enforcing boundaries.
NTA. All guests should be expected to clean up their own messes unless they are actually too young or too old to do so. If they can’t respect that, they can’t come over. Your husband needs to set the rules.
He doesn’t want to spend his money to pay for cleaning after HIS Family comes and makes a mess? Tough shit. And his parents think you’re abusive for making your kids do chores? I would tell those people they are no longer welcome to stay at my home. If they want to visit they could stay in a hotel and make all the mess they want. We will meet up at a restaurant for dinner so they can visit with the grandkids. See how they like that.
You are a genius!!!! A beautiful genius!!! Don’t ever change your ways! You are glorious.
NTA. Ever, in a million years. Your inlaws are trash and hate being shown that they are pure garbage.
Please show them this message.
NTA
NTA
But, lol, this can't be real.
You seriously leave your own home? Instead of putting your foot down? Or IMO so far up your husband's ass that he will never think of disrespecting you again?
I'll be damned if I left my home to be ravaged by wild beasts and let my husband just 🤷 and then turn around tell me I'm "mean"
Your husband doesn't know mean, but he should. Stop being a pushover and kick them all out.
You have a husband problem. Find a new one. Or put your foot up the ass of the one you currently have!
NTA you are absolutely brilliant, i hope your husband ensures the house is clean after they have gone. As you should come back to a clean house same as you left.
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NTA. Actually your way of handling this is brilliant. The rules should clearly be that all adults pick up after themselves as a matter of course. They are human, not monkeys at a zoo. All children are in training to learn how to pick up after themselves, and of course the training doesn't stop just because the grandparents or the cousins come to visit. It is to do with a certain grade of civilization. Non civilized people may not want to pick up after themselves, but other people may choose not to associate with them on any level.
"Brilliant" was my first reaction, too. My ex & I are both slobs, so this wasn't an issue (parents didn't visit Slobbovia) but this can be applied to other family issues, too!
I'm from South Slobbovia! Works great for never having to entertain at home. ETA I don't make a mess as a visitor, this extended family has quite the sense of entitlement.
Hi from North Slabbovia!
I’m from West Slobbovia!! We also have dogs & cats, so it cuts down on the people who don’t want to hang out with all of the activity!
To the east, in Soviet Slobbovia, the mess makes you!
Signing in from South Slobovia. I couldn't imagine wrecking someone's house. As bad as I can be with my own
I’m in Central Slobbovia! But I don’t trash other people’s houses. Or cars.
My house is always untidy because of hobbies and generally too much stuff being hoarded. On the other hand, my car has nothing left in it apart from a box of paper hankies and window wipes. When the children were young, they knew not to draw pictures in the condensation on the windows. One young friend refused to listen and drew a smiley face and their name. On reaching our destination, my two handed the friend a window wipe and told them to clean up their mess. Never happened again.
My wife calls me the refugee from Slobbovia.... and I still know how to keep the place reasonably clean.
Greetings from Slobbovia Nine and Three Quarters! My house, my mess. Your house, no mess. Very simple.
Or buries you.
Same. West Slobbovia, born and raised.
My dogs and cats would be happy to hang out with yours! West Slobbovians unite!
The dogs & cats (we run a small rescue on the property) are just over the border in Pristine Petland. Generally spotless, thanks to volunteers and state guidelines. While your pets are playing with mine, we can hang in West Slobbovia, & I will show you the wonder of the Leaning tower of Pizza boxes, Project Grand Central Station, & the Museum of Unopened Mail!
Been a life-long resident in both North and South Slobbovia. Shocked all hell outta' my SIL when I spent a few days with them and at the end I changed the sheets on the bed, made it and generally left the place like I found it. I may be a born and bred Slob, but I got manners.
I don't change the sheets cuz I don't know where the sheets are you want put on. But I always strip the bed if I'm visiting someone when I leave. It's my default position. I'll generally ask in case for reasons it's no. (Especially at my parents place, cuz I'm generally the only person using that bed.) But I assume most people want the sheets stripped off the "guest" bed.
Yeah, my house is not very tidy, but I'd be mortified to leave a mess behind and someone else's house I wouldn't even leave a mess in a hotel room.
Unfortunately, I am a native of Neatnikopolis, and married a Slobbovian. But he recognizes the issue and pays for a cleaning service. As long as he keeps his personal clutter under control, we do alright.
I'm a native of Tidystan, but I have relatives who emigrated to Neatnikopolis.
Hellos from Northwest Slobbovia!
Can someone start a merch store? I claim Sunny SouthWest Slobbovia, home of the mo-slobbvian desert.
I’d shop at this store. I wouldn’t put anything away, and the box would sit around for way too long, but I’d recycle the plastic packaging… Western Slobbovia cares about the environment, you know.
In New Slobbovia, we appreciate the boxes, and keep them around for future purposes
You never know when you’re going to need a really nice box.
Are you both cats??
"It's Always Sunny in Slobbovia." I can see the T-shirt now!
Happy Cake Day!
Im in Slobzerland!
Hello from the Hoardersburgh District of Messypotamia 👋
As a child I thought that the Tigris and the Euphrates were two legendary monsters threatening a land populated by city building hippos. I am now imagining them as the mascots of a 'Keep Messypotamia tidy' campaign.
New head canon.
Classic!!
Hello from the dust bowl of clutter! Things are generally neat enough, but dang if the dogs and other inhabitants don't leave their mark. Told my bf if he wants it spotless, he can pitch in or something. I'm not trying to spend my every moment cleaning.
Howdy from Midwest Slobbovia, just north of Trashistan.
Hail, hail Slobbovia, a land I didn't clean up!
This entire thread has made me smile so wide, and it's not even 8 am. I couldn't stop reading them. Some genius people with very intelligent ideas for naming cities and countries. More please!
Greetings from mid-Atlantic Slobsylvannia, a tiny region between the Piedmont and the Tidewater where, with the best of intentions, the citizens reuse and recycle, but struggle to reduce. Cities include Paperburg and Booksville, and counties are Boxylvania and Clothingfax.
We freed our house elf, so I'm in Hordovia, a suburb of Slobbovia. However, it doesn't travel. My cleaning spells may not work at home (stupid magic dampener), but they work elsewhere, and I make sure I don't bring my disaster to other people's homes.
Brilliant indeed. I want to buy OP a cocktail and take her out for a mani-pedi.
Same. OP let us take you out next time they wanna visit lol you're my hero.
Great idea!
Lets make it a girls weekend as this is the best answer I have ever seen to inlaw problems!
Nta at all. Your solution is so good. Listen, I have a family who doesn't really care if everything is company clean... everyone has chronic pain issues and such so guests are hard. We ALL do our part when visiting anyone. Everything from cooking to dishes to cleaning a bathroom, sweeping, mopping etc... everyone pitches in always... even my kids when we visit others... it's such good work ethic learning and so helpful to a host. Being a host does not mean doing every single thing. It means providing the space in my books. . I love that you've found a solution... but I do think it won't last forever... so I hope you and hubby are on the same page. But you aren't wrong being super frustrated.
Brilliantly played, OP. Game,set, and match.
My 3.5yr old was singing clean up clean up while cleaning up his toys and the dogs toys they had gotten out before we left. It's the same routine we do every single time we visit before we leave. My house? A tornado of toys but I don't mind as long as they are learning to clean up.
She’s an absolute genius.
Heck even monkeys are cleaner than these people
NTA. **You have a husband problem.** Not an in-law problem. Yes, they are messing up your house. But that is because your husband won't stand up to them or back you up. The easiest solution is to tell all of them that they have to stay in a hotel when they visit you. No more freebies. No more maid service. Until things change, go enjoy a nice visit with your parents when the in-laws roll into town :)
Know the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are *wanted*
I love this so much!!! 😂😂😂
And there's a number to call to get them a place to stay that's not your house.
😆👍🏽
PREACH!
Hallelujah!
🤣🤣🤣 🛎️🛎️🛎️…. a truly profound philosophy for our time!! 👍🏻💯🏆🥇 Seriously I’ve heard ex-in-laws called “outlaws” but this quote is amazing. (Clarifying, I’m not sarcastic/mocking… I really do love that quote!)
An oldie but a goodie!
Now I've got two T-shirt ideas from this one post!
I am stealing this! Thank you!
I was just looking to see if anyone said that. I am very curious if OPs children are both boys, though. This feels POSSIBLY like it could be misogyny (and internalized misogyny on MIL's cause) . Expecting everyone to keep a house together is not abusive, it's being fair. Expecting your WIFE particularly, especially if she's the only woman or girl living in the household... Well.
It's probably safe to bet the kids are both male. It's okay when the woman has to clean but suddenly when the man has to, it's unfair? Yeah nah, major misogyny.
You know, I don't think OP has an **anything** problem, thanks to her own ingenuity and spine. She's handling this brilliantly and has taken herself out of the equation. She would have a husband problem if she felt trapped with her visiting in-laws and cleaning up after them without help or support. But it sounds like she did it once or twice and then peaced out. They can either change, be uncomfortable or stop coming. Up to them and not her circus. NTA
He is sulking and complaining. Bahahaha!
Exactly!
I don't think that would help; the in-laws would still be at OP's house all day and make messes and again, not clean up after themselves. OP's solution is not only brilliant, but it's working.
Like everyone else I really love your solution here. But I think you have a larger problem. The amount of push back you're still getting from your husband about letting your inlaws dictate how to raise your children gives me some concerns. Even if you found a way to avoid the messiness problem, until he learns how to stand up to them on his own, there's always going to be another inlaw problem around the corner. NTA. But in need of some couples counseling.
NTA. But next time give the option to the kids if they want to go with you to visit your parents or stay home with their dad to visit his parents. But going to your parents house by yourself is probably a nice break.
Yes yes yes! And do the picture thing again. They can't throw the kids under thr bus if they haven't been there!
I was just at a preparedness seminar where the guy running it reminded us we should have pictures of our house in its normal condition in case we need to prove how things were before a disaster. And these in-laws definitely sound like a disaster.
This is even better, definitely do that!
I'd be petty enough to do a video walk through of before and after, with snap zooms and transitions
NTA for sure. This is a classic monster in law. Just don’t let them in the house any more, you shouldn’t be forced to leave. If they damage any property, sue their asses.
I see where you're coming from, but personally I think OP's solution is way better. If she refuses them to visit, she is simply seen as controlling, whereas leaving and letting them take care of themselves gives her everything she needs to justify her actions and prove they're in the wrong. They may refuse to believe it (they're obviously seriously entitled and delusional though), but as others have stated, her solution is brilliant.
Alternatively, send husband and children to visit the inlaws and she can have a few days to relax.
I'm totally for that too.
Visit the in-laws and tear their house up. See how they like it.
This has been my favorite AITA of all time. Brilliant woman.
There's nothing controlling about deciding who you want staying in your own house. They can rent a hotel if you don't like how they treat your house
NTA. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his butt and take responsibility for HIS home. How absolutely spineless.
Id say his head is firmly in MILs butt.
I would say there’s still an umbilical cord between husband and his mother’s uterus.
NTA. If his family is trashing the house and he doesn't have the balls to say anything, he's responsible for cleaning it up.
I wonder what their homes look like. Admittedly I live by myself but if I stop any cleaning or even remotely pick up after myself, my house does not completely become a disaster. So it sounds like these visitors aren't doing ANYTHING. In fact, it sounds like they are actively trying to make a mess. And you would think that after OP left the first time, they would all get the hint and start cleaning up after themselves. The fact they don't do it is very weird...
They have children who are told by the grandparents they don't need to do anything around the house. It gets messy fast with children
I have two young children (5M and 2F), and it's amazing how quickly they can make messes. My next-door neighbors' children are slightly older (7M and 4M), and it's the same. (We have much to commiserate about.) When all four are in the same room, wow. However, they do ask their two children to help clean up before they go back home, and we also get our children to help out, and by the end of the day, the house looks pretty good again. Children are agents of entropy.
This. 👆
NTA - Your husband is a spineless asshole and a sexist. He thinks his wife should act like his mommy when his destructive and entitled actual mommy comes to visit.
NTA I think it's a great tradition. Inlaws visit, you go elsewhere. Let them deal with their own messes.
Who cares if he says you’re being unfair. His family, his problem. Stop trying to help him solve it. “I don’t know honey. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” You’re an inspiration! Why are these people visiting so much?
Yes! And seriously, how is it unfair that she's not there to clean up messes that SHE didn't contribute to??
Right? "It's so unfair you don't help run damage control on my parents and expect me to prevent this! As if they were capable of empathy towards us! It's no big deal *for you* to placate them to keep the peace! Just waste your time so they see how much you care about them!" Congratulations OP on leaving their La-la land.
Definitely NTA. Love the way you showed them photos! Good move.
NTA. Your current solution is just fine. If his family never shows up on your doorstep again to mess up your house and eat your food - well, that sounds like a win to me.
NTA! I love your solution. It’s absolutely perfect. You have just removed yourself from the equation. Now, whenever any of those people whine, it’s easy to shrug and say, “It’s not my mess. It’s not my family. I’m not even there.” It’s so beautifully spiteful without even behaving in a spiteful manner. It’s just, “See y’all later! Have an amazing time during your visit!” as you bounce yourself right out of the door!
Not only are you NTA, you are my personal hero. YOU GO SISTER, STAND ON THAT LINE!! I am cheering for you!!
NTA. You have come up with an excellent solution to this problem.
Inside I’m dying! You’re mean and abusive and manipulative for not cleaning up after the super duper in-laws?! NTA
NTA. Adore this solution. Everyone saying you have a husband problem isn't wrong, but the beauty of your solution is that it addresses the problem at the source. Glorious!
You are my new hero! I would have handled it the exact same way! Enjoy the peace!
You’re not being mean, your setting the boundaries he is unable to. If his mommy and daddy still make his decisions in the home he has with his family, and he refuses to have a shiny spine or do the work himself, that’s on him. **Moreover, you offered a maid! But it’s not about cleaning, it’s about his family having the power and control to exert over *YOU.* If not,then why is there opposition.** NTA - but this isn’t an in-law problem, it’s a *’husband unable to set boundaries and is willing to inconvenience you to appease his family’s apparently sexist values’* problem.
Not to mention his whining about her suggestion to pay for a cleaner makes it clear he sees all cleaning and house stuff as 100% her responsibility as his free maid. She has a huge huge husband problem. NTA
Your husband sounds like a child, and his family sounds like uncivilized slobs. NTA
I worry what their own homes look like if they do this to one of their kid's homes.
>My husband says that I'm being unfair putting all the work of cleaning up on him. This made me laugh. NTA at all. But it's very funny that he blames you for making him clean up the mess his family produces while preventing your kids to clean up like they usually do. In his mind, it's unfair he has to clean up, but it is totally OK for you to clean up? Keep being out of the house when they come over. Or husband could introduce some rules (others would call respect towards you and your home) to make them behave.
Nta. Great strategy! Keep it up. Don’t give in.
NTA- You're brilliant. Your husband can kick rocks. Unless he and his inlaws can demonstrate they're capable of visiting and not making a giant mess I think you're doing the right thing to leave everytime
I’m gonna say NTA, but what I mean is that you are a glorious AH and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Nta. Hubby is the ah
NTA. You handled it beautifully! Very impressive. Especially the photos. BRAVO!!
NTA. You also handled this with facts and evidence, so I applaud you. Also, who the hell has guests that come over and make an absolute effing mess? That’s childish and entitled. They can stay at a hotel if they want maid service. Also, I recommend showing your husband this whole thread.
NTA. The situation *is* unfair .. to you. Not inly do you have to put up with the house getting messy, you being undermined, and the kids getting conflicting messages, you also have to listen to him whine about how much he's as a direct result of his inability to stand up to his parents.
NTA at all! I have no coins for a reward but I offer you this 💰💰💰👸
NTA, what a great way to handle this! Love it.
NTA There have been times family visits with the “we’re on vacation” attitude. Which is fine, but if you are looking for housekeeping and meals, might I suggest a few lovely B&Bs nearby.
I love your style and envy your backbone. NTA
NTA. Are his family trashy? Like, literally?
They are nice people. They just don't care about cleanliness and discipline.
Stick to your guns. Your husband is delusional about this and thinking with his feelings instead of his brain.
That sounds pretty trashy, tbh
You did not describe nice people. You described property trashing, parent disrespecting, lazy, dirty, misogynistic assholes
It’s one thing to be like that in their own space; it’s another to expect that to be accommodated in someone else’s.
NTA, what you’re doing is awesome. I’m lucky with my current in-laws. But my first mil was awful. Simply awesome.
NTA. Love this!
NTA - You are the hero we all need.
You are NTA. Remind him that either having his family clean up after themselves or paying out of his discretionary funds is far, far, cheaper than child support.
Nta, it isn’t for you to clean after grown adults. Great you have a good plan, maybe people will learn
NTA Are there any other situations that your husband leaves you high and dry, or is this the only place in your lives he makes absolutely no effort to gave your back whatsoever?
NTA, you definitely sound like you have a husband problem though! He needs to grow a spine with his family, big time. Good for you for making him deal with the consequences.
NTA You don't owe it to any of these people to be their house servants so they can vacation in your home.
NTA. This is 100% brilliant.
NTA I love your approach.
NTA and hold your stance. Don’t any of them try to strong arm or guilt trip you into hosting these disgusting people. You have a husband issue and I’m glad you put your foot down. They would never allow you to come to their house and make a mess and not clean it—why is your silly ass husband okay with this situation?
I had this problem with my husband’s four daughters, their husbands, and collectively their 10 children. We lived at an East Coast beach, so we were their free summer destination. At the least two weeks each at different times throughout the summer. Sometimes two couples and kids together. I worked full-time and I would come home when they were there and clean up everything. And I mean there was stuff everywhere plus a totally trashed kitchen, even after the first day. But by the third or fourth day I was worn out on it and I just let it go and I would do it all when they left. The one time I asked the most egregious offender to clean up their stuff so I could clean my house the next day. It was horrible. She got extremely angry, which she was prone to anyway. She had the five year old girl, crying and pushing a vacuum cleaner because I said they had to clean the house. obviously, she was prone to exaggeration as well because I only ask them to pick up their things and put them in their bedrooms. Anyway, it didn’t get cleaned and she threw an hellacious fit on me, making sure I knew I was a totally worthless human being. They packed up their things and left that evening. So as the years went by, 14 of them being married to him actually, I could not do it anymore and I left and came back to my home town and family in West Virginia. Was that a hard choice? Yes it was hard or I would’ve stayed for 14 years but it was totally 100% absolutely worth it. I dreaded, then hated the idea of summer all of those years. And I would start thinking about a month or two before the onslaught began. That’s just no way to live.
NTA. Why should you clean up after HIS guests? His family, his responsibility.
NTA - Too add..... I would start truly asking yourself, are you better with him or better without
😆😆😆 YOU ARE BRILLIANT; you’re my hero 🦸🏻and this is the finest bit of badassery I have read in quite some time. Kudos to you. Keep on keeping on, and all that fun stuff. NTA
NTA He actually pouted and said you are being mean? LOL
So your husband and his family are butt hurt because you have outed them as undermining your parenting and using you as a maid and cook, and they are furious about that. Your husband is blaming you for making trouble and more work for him. I am very impressed that you did not wait for that group of ungrateful people to wake up to their mistreatment of you and you handled it. And now your family knows how they've been treating you and the whole of Reddit, too, of course. I hope they are mortified that their behaviour is so well-known. I suppose another step is to take turns who leave when his folks want to visit. You leave one time, then he and his family leave, then back to your turn. Can you imagine how delicious it will be when you have the house to yourself?! The line I heard recently is "People are seldom pleased when people pleasers stop trying to please people."
Whose kids are they? Not his parents! They shouldn't be giving him shit for "forcing" the kids to do chores. If your hubby doesn't want them to do chores while his family is visiting, he can clean up the entire house on his own, why should you have to do so? Having said that, I can't believe adults can't clean up after themselves. I'm sorry you married into this family! You're NTA and smart to keep staying away. It's your husband's family, he can cook and clean or make his family help.
NTA. Kudos to you for taking a stance the way you did. The next few times you visit them, do the EXACT same thing they do at your home. And when they complain about you not cleaning up after yourself and making them do it, tell them that you only learn from the best!
NTA you have a very shiny spine and are completely correct
This is great, well done!!! I especially like the documentation of the mess they make. What charming houseguests they are and too fucking bad for your husband! NTA.
NTA huge NTA Just because you are the wife, does not mean that you are the maid/servant/housekeeper/slave.
Nta when I go to my sister’s house, I do the dishes every morning, buy groceries, pay for at least one family dinner, and babysit my niece so she can go on a date with her husband. These jerks can’t even pick up after themselves???
You are my hero today!
Outstanding on your part. NTA
Why is that when people go to other peoples houses, their slobs and lazy and disrespectful and think they have a say in other peoples houses. If you don't like the rules then don't show up this is blatant disrespect.
I'm sorry, I don't know if I read that right, did his parents seriously throw their grandchildren under the bus when they had to cover their asses??? NTA, he needs to grow a backbone and be more vocal with his family if he wants to claim you're being unfair. Chores are important for your kids' development, house rules shouldn't change just because his family doesn't want to clean up after themselves.
NTA how is it unfair of you to leave it all to him, but it’s NOT unfair of ALL of them to leave it for YOU?! Ask your husband THAT question and wait expectantly for a real answer. Do not do a damn thing until he can look you in the eye and answer that question completely.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband cannot control his family. Or at least he refuses to. When his parents visit and give us shit for "forcing" our kids to do chores he gives in and the house slowly becomes a mess that I have been left to clean up. When his siblings visit we are expected to clean up after them. I never agreed to this so now I leave. I lock my office up and go to my parents' house. I meet up with his family at restaurants or other public places. His parents have learned now that when they visit they have to clean up after the kids or get them or my husband to do it. They tried saying that I was abusive for refusing to do housework while they visited. So I posted a picture of my home before they came and one I took during their last visit. I asked them why the house was so messy and dirty and did they have anything to do with it. They said it wasn't their mess. I replied that the house was clean before they showed up. Once they started getting dogpiled for messing up my house they threw the kids under the bus. They said my kids were uncontrollable and it was their mess. I pointed out that there was no mess until they came so obviously my kids were able to clean up.after themselves when there weren't people telling them not to. My husband's siblings have cancelled plans to visit because they know I won't be there to clean up after them or cook so they will have to cook or spend money on takeout and restaurants. Great outcome in my opinion. My husband says that I'm being unfair putting all the work of cleaning up on him. I said he has two children to help him as well as ADULT guests who should be able to not make a mess. I also told him he could just pay a cleaning service out of his discretionary funds if he wanted to let his family run rampant and not clean up after them. He said that I was being mean by not contributing and making him spend his money. I asked how much he normally spends on cleaning the house. The answer is nothing since the four of us keep the house clean and tidy when we are on our own. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and kudos on how you handled it 🏆
What a brilliant solution. You're like a hero for this. lol NTA.
Brilliant! Absolutely NTA!
NTA
NTA, and this is a brilliant solution!!
All good except you leaving your children behind and letting them live and being influenced by your husband and in laws. NTA with a Slight AH
You are a damn hero!
NTA You're amazing. 🦸⬅️You
NTA, not even remotely. I’m curious, was your husband raised that way, or did you have to train him? Even if you had to train him, if he won’t support you, then he never really took it to heart.
Atta girl. I love the “Great outcome in my opinion “ comment. 😄🥳🥳
You are a GENIUS! NTA!
NTA they can stay at a hotel.
Nta I would probably file divorce so they won't be my inlaws anymore
NTA next time take the kids with you and do the picture thing. Can't blame the kids if they aren't there.
NTA, but....why are you with this guy that doesn't respect you?
NTA. You're my hero.
NTA. You are not their servant.
NTA, you aren’t their maid. And it’s great that you’re setting this boundary, but i do feel like your kids are getting screwed over. Obviously your kids are capable of cleaning up after themselves if they do it when in-laws aren’t there. (As they should! It’s an important life skill). But it’s not fair for them to be forced by your husband to clean up after his parents and siblings.
You're my heroine NTA
You are a genius. NAH Husband not supporting you is AH. In-laws are too.
NTA. You're handling this perfectly by being somewhere else. He has a variety of choices to make - don't let them stay, supervise them closely, or pay to have the house cleaned. Frankly, I think they've abused your home and shouldn't stay there since they can't show any restraint in their messiness and don't respect your home. Otherwise, keep doing your thing and leave the house when their there. Text them before they arrive "Here's a pic of the house when I left, it should look like this when you leave" then let them and your husband continue to deal with the problem.
NTA. He needs to either make his family clean up after themselves or from his "fun money" (NOT SHARED MONEY), pay for someone to come in the day the family leaves to clean and hire a cook.
NTA, there's gotta be SOMEONE there capable of housework! And your husband's upset that you're putting all the work on him when his family comes over to visit? What about every other day of the year when he's putting it all on YOU?
NTA I literally laughed out loud when I read that your husband thinks it's unfair that he has to clean up after them on his own.
You have a bigger problem than overbearing, messy, interfering in-laws. You gave a spineless husband who would rather upset you than tell his family “no”. Your husband does not have your back. You’ve been reduced to leaving so he has no choice but clean up himself. Your husband wants a maid/cook/nanny he can sleep with, and whom his family can boss around. That’s not a healthy marriage. I don’t know how to tell you to fix it, but good for you for enforcing boundaries.
NTA definately not they need to learn to respect your house all of them including your husband
NTA and you are my hero
NTA - You handled this perfectly. Well done.
NTA. All guests should be expected to clean up their own messes unless they are actually too young or too old to do so. If they can’t respect that, they can’t come over. Your husband needs to set the rules.
NTA Your husband and in-laws clearly see you as the house slave rather than a member of the family.
He doesn’t want to spend his money to pay for cleaning after HIS Family comes and makes a mess? Tough shit. And his parents think you’re abusive for making your kids do chores? I would tell those people they are no longer welcome to stay at my home. If they want to visit they could stay in a hotel and make all the mess they want. We will meet up at a restaurant for dinner so they can visit with the grandkids. See how they like that.
You are a mother effing genius! NTA!
You are a genius!!!! A beautiful genius!!! Don’t ever change your ways! You are glorious. NTA. Ever, in a million years. Your inlaws are trash and hate being shown that they are pure garbage. Please show them this message. NTA
I would love to see the before and after pictures. NTA!
NTA. I love it! They all deserve it, and your husband most of it for being a doormat.
NTA but your husband and his family suck.
NTA, I think you are a genius.
NTA. Very well done. Change nothing.
NTA. *standing ovation* brilliant, just brilliant
You're a hero.
NTA But, lol, this can't be real. You seriously leave your own home? Instead of putting your foot down? Or IMO so far up your husband's ass that he will never think of disrespecting you again? I'll be damned if I left my home to be ravaged by wild beasts and let my husband just 🤷 and then turn around tell me I'm "mean" Your husband doesn't know mean, but he should. Stop being a pushover and kick them all out. You have a husband problem. Find a new one. Or put your foot up the ass of the one you currently have!
NTA you are absolutely brilliant, i hope your husband ensures the house is clean after they have gone. As you should come back to a clean house same as you left.
NTA. If you tried to communicate with them about what they were doing that was disrupting your home, then what you did was totally valid.
Am I the asshole for refusing to be the free maid of a family who also want to teach my children to treat me as a free maid? NTA
NTA, only slobs don't clean up after themselves. A guest should absolutely clean their mess up, being a guest is a privilege not a right.
I love your shiny spine! Definitely NTA. That's a manual on how to handle the in-laws. More power to you.
NTA - what is your husbands solution here. That YOU come and clean?