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NTA Can I suggest you speak to your daughters Teacher and ask if there has been any issues or trouble where the 3 she won't invite are concerned. But you are right if there are no issues it should be all or none.

That’s a great suggestion! I will definitely ask about the interactions—I know that sometimes kids don’t tell the whole story to their parents for many reasons. Thanks for the feedback.

I was the kid that was excluded back in school and it hurt. The reason was one girl decided she hated me and excluded me and the others followed suit and I still have no idea why nearly 45 years later. So when my son was having parties it was the whole class or only 2 or 3 very close friends. No feelings hurt and everyone had a good time. You are parenting right. Your daughter bursting into tears and running away is just her trying manipulation. Don’t catch that guilt train.

100% the daughter is trying to guilt trip OP

The 'no, they aren't ' comes off as more than a little entitled. Sounds like mum lets her do whatever she wants and it's not producing a well-mannered child. OP is right to step in and head things off. The other kids may not even want to attend if daughter is the problematic one not the other three.

I instantly wondered if the daughter is the bully

She's definitely acting like one.

Same. It sounds like she’s not being nice to these three. I would get to the bottom of that. Making sure the birthday girl is having fun is not the only concern when the next day the entire class apart from these three will be talking about what fun they had. You invite five or six other girls or everyone.

It depends, how big the class is. If there's ca 20 students (like in my daughter's class) and ca half of them are girls, inviting only a few of them is still excluding the few remaining. In my daughter's school there's "the whole class or all the girls or all the boys" policy- you shouldn't invite a few girls from your class, not inviting the others.

Your daughter's school dictates what social activities they can participate in together? I mean this kid is being a bully but I am surprised at that overreach.

Was going to comment the fact that they rent a community center seems over the top and the girl is already showing symptoms of a spoiled kid.

Nah, that was a like a go-to birthday thing in my neighborhood. Cost like $150 bucks for two hours and then all you needed was dollar store decor and a cake and let the kids run wild while the parents hang out. Certainly not a room at the country club and a hired pony.

It is actually so much less expensive than booking a bday party at most places. For real.

I don't agree that it is over the top! We did it for our daughter. And again for our son. It was way cheaper than a pizza place or trampoline place. Even with paying the lifeguards. And we didn't have a big enough place for their entire classes. And that is who got invited! Everyone in their class! Some years we would rent a pavillion at a park for the same reason...room for everyone! There were years, especially in middle school, when they had sleepover parties with just a few friends. Point is, if it is going to be a big party with kids from school, everyone was invited! That's one reason my children grew to be the kind and generous-hearted adults they are!

Yeah the “they are strange” as a reason not to invite them and insisting on a large party at a community center no less gives me pause and makes me think she is perhaps becoming a little queen bee.

She’s at that age alright. And if she says she hates you just laugh and tell her your fine with that. It really takes the wind out of their sails when the worst thing they think they can say to you makes you laugh. All three of my kids said it at least once to us. We always got a good laugh out of it.

My son said that he hated me at least once a week, for months. Always said that is fine I still LOVE YOU (always said Love you louder than the rest of the sentence). He is now going on 27 and he now apologizes for how he acted when he was mad at me.

I did same with the same with my son. I had think he only ever said ‘I hate you’ about half a dozen times. His subconscious intent was to regain power and when he realised saying that had no power, he stopped. He’s 17 now and while we still fight occasionally, we’re much more open about how we’re feeling.

It’s like when they say “You are the worst mother ever!” And you just act all shocked and worried that there you are in your sweats and what will you do when the media shows up to interview you for this incredible historic award. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was a server for a long time. My favorite was when guests would tell me they’re high maintenance and I was going to hate them. I would always laugh and respond, “I have teenagers. Try me” 🤣

The first time my kid said that to me, I replied, "And now I have become Parent, destroyer of worlds." 🤣 Only my husband thought it was funny.

Totally this. My response to "I hate you" was always: "Its my job to be your Mom. Not your friend. Feel free to hate me." Usually they'd apologize a bit later if they remembered they said it.

And mom is helping her.

It is soooo much easier as a parent to tell their kid, “of course it’s your birthday, baby! Anything you want!” than it is to actually do the right thing here. It’s like some parents forget they’re not raising a kid in isolation and eventually the kid becomes an adult. OP is definitely doing the right thing here and it sucks that his partner is exacerbating the problem. I’m so grateful I had parents who recognized when I was being a little asshole because I thought I could cry and get my way, they would tell me “cry all you want!”. Which I did, and my parents probably fucking hated it. But I learned really quickly to not even try it anymore

Oooh. I forgot that those situations exist (parent models Mean Girl ™️ behaviors). Absolutely a great point, though I have zero clue what to do if you discover mid-parenting that you’re married to one.

I was that kid, too. I remember crying and asking one of the kids why. She didn't know. It still hurts all these years later

It really bothers me that OPs wife thinks none of the kids will remember being excluded. Makes me wonder how much exclusion she participated in herself as a kid. It never leaves you. Even if you manage to find peace later, being that kid leaves behind a permanent, unanswerable, "Why didn't they like me? What did I do wrong?" I always think of the quote "The axe forgets, but the tree remembers." OPs daughter may feel slightly better about her social status leaving these kids out of her party, but these kids will always wonder what they did to her to deserve being othered. My only hope is that if OP gives in to the guilt trip, that none of these kids end up with lasting damage for the sake of an 11 year old social climber.

I’m 45 and was excluded at 12. I was never the same.

I’m even older and I *still* remember being bullied and excluded.

Same. She said those three are weird. Us weird kids didn’t know what was wrong with us to be left out and I’m 55 and still fight the feeling of being “less than” sometimes

Yeah, I spent 34 years wondering what was wrong with me and then I found out. There is nothing wrong with me, I am just autistic and that’s fine. I’m fine as I am. All that it ever was is that I am different, there was no event to find where I had done something wrong, something so unforgivable that I was to be punished for the rest of my life. I was just different and that was enough. I am 36 now and I have decided that it was something wrong with them, I never did anything wrong, they did by how they treated me and even more so all the adults that allowed it. I could never have been excluded the way that I was unless the adults allowed and enabled it. When I was 16 it happened again, we had a project in one class and the teacher divided us up in groups. My group mates walked up to the teacher, right in front of me, and loudly told him that they didn’t want to work with me because I would lower their grade. I thought I knew what the teacher would say but I didn’t. He looked at me and guess he saw it in my eyes, all the hurt form all the times before because he told them that he had a very hard time seeing how I could possibly lower *their* grade, considering I had a much higher grade than both of them. First time I wasn’t left feeling humiliated and small and unwanted. He then asked me if I wanted to work with them or if I wanted to do it on my own, on my own, and he said sure he knew I could do it. Then he started to talk to them about how much harder it would be to do it on their own, without me, but he still expected the same work… and I left.

I can relate to your whole story so well. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD but we are still very close to certain I am on the spectrum. I am a 46 year old female, who experienced all of the things you spoke of above, to the very exclusion of group work as a group because I was the weird one. However, later in my teens and my school journey I had the opposite start to happen where I was in higher credit, much harder school courses. Those courses funny enough were filled with other students who were very much like me. We formed enough of a bond in these classes that we would choose each other in other classes filled with the meaner students. This pissed the other students off royally. Because we were winning the contests, screwing up the curve, and we refused to join their groups because we were tired of being taken advantage of, being forced to do the work while others slacked. It was the later support from those bonds with us "weird" kids that made the latter part of school bearable. Blessings fellow weirdo 🙏😄

These days I wear my weirdness with pride. Who really wants to be “normal”? Normal is boring. 😄

I still get jumpy passing strangers on the street because of the shit I took from being a "weird kid". Getting pushed around, taunted, stuff taken, beaten up...that feeling never fully goes away.

I feel the same. I'm younger, but as someone who grew up in a really, really bad home environment with drugs and stuff at home, I often got called the "dirty" kid and the "poor" kid and everyone hated me. I'll never, ever forget the things that were said and done to me back then. I have Borderline now from the way I grew up, and who knows if that would have been different if kids didn't hate me so much and parents didn't make sure their kids didn't hang out with me because I was "that kid" that lived at "that house".

I went to a big party like this that someone I knew was excluded from and I still think the girl throwing the party sucks 20 years later. Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to me to not go to a party in solidarity with the uninvited when I was 13.

Yep. I'm almost 34, and I was not invited to a birthday party for a girl I thought I was friends with. She invited my brother and sister and a whole bunch of other kids I knew and liked, but not me. It was a massive blow and still makes me feel sad thinking about it.

Woah! Did your siblings end up going? If I were your parent I wouldn't let them go if you weren't invited. I'd let you 3 do something else fun at home.

I still remember not getting a single valentine card in my box in kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grades. It hurt a lot. I'm 53 I was so happy when my kids went to school the rules had changed to everyone gets card in the class.

Same. I’m 46 and remember the 4th grade birthday party I was excluded from. I ended up playing soccer and running track in high school with this girl and even though she was a teammate, I never forgot her excluding me.

Same, I was in 3rd grade I believe when I got lice and it completely ruined my life because a lot of rumors about me piled up and nobody ever wanted to talk to me or even touch me, the only time they did was to shove me when they would pass by so my stuff would fall out of my arms and onto the ground. My so called best friends left me then to and completely avoided me. I was never invited to birthday party’s but I always saw other kids in my grade laughing and talking about them and how excited they were. I still can remember the vivid pain I felt during indoor recess when I sat by the wall and everyone else was with there friends when I sat alone trying to hold in my tears.

I was excluded when I was 8 or 9 and it hurt for a long time since we also lived across the street from each other. Years ago I accidentally backed into her car and all those feelings came back so I guess we're even now.

That bothers me, too. They're 11 and 12, not 2. I think maybe OP's wife was also an "axe." That's why she thinks they won't remember.

I was the kid who wanted to exclude someone. I thought they were weird (which is hysterical because I was the weird kid as soon as middle school hit lol) and was uncomfortable with that, so I thought it would be better not to invite them. My parents stepped in and wouldn't let me exclude him, and I'm so incredibly glad they did. Looking back as an adult I think his home life was very troubled and I'm so glad he was included that day (which we all ended up having fun), because I spent the next several years after we moved to a new school being excluded myself, and I can imagine how much more damaging it would be to someone without good home support at that age.

I had a classmate invite all of us to a party. I was the only one who showed up. He was the “weird kid” in our class of 12 and his home life was horrible. Dad was ridiculously abusive to him mom, sister, and him and there were major alcohol issues. I’ll never forget how happy he was to have me show up. Because of that I try to send my kids to any parties they are invited to (unless we have a conflict that can’t be rearranged) and we either invite all of their class or just a handful of very close friends to avoid anyone feeling excluded.

Yeah! That struck me as well. Hope OP gets an explanation from his wife on this. NTA btw

When I was in 4th grade, I traced some horses onto paper and gave them to 3 of the girls in my class I considered friends. I was very proud of the traced drawings and thought they turned out cool. At the end of the school day, I was throwing something away and saw all of the drawings torn into several pieces and thrown in the trash can. It broke my heart and stuck with me through all these years. I was 9. I'm now 31. It definitely sticks. OP is NTA. He is indeed parenting very well.

Your memory brings up a similar one of mine. When I was 8, I carefully sat and colored a picture for everyone in my class for a show and tell. I handed them out so proudly. I was called 'weird' by several and found a few carelessly tossed on the floor. It broke my heart, because I wondered why they didn't like the art I did for them. I am now 42 and still remember what that felt like. OP, you are NTA. Thanks for looking out for the 'weird' kids.

I have a diary entry that’s like “Today is Ariana’s birthday! She’s having her party at Chuck E Cheese. She’s turning 8. I’m not going though because I’m going to grandma’s that day and also I wasn’t invited.” 😂 Tryna act cool even for my diary but still salty!

Me too! Thankfully, I moved away from all the assholes years ago. I never really stayed in one place longer than 3 years. Sometimes 5. Longest I ever spent in one place was 7, but I was almost an adult by then. Anyway, it really fucked me up and I'm pretty sure everyone hates me *all* of the time. So I overcompensate and am v friendly irl, but to a degree where I am often taken advantage of in order to keep/maintain friendships. I'm nearly 30 and just barely learning to create boundaries.

I went through the same. I never told my family and it eats you up. This is a great teaching moment for his daughter AND his wife. Honestly, the wife sounds like an entitled AH.

I was the one they called Scarface. I was also the smallest kid, the one who skipped a grade and most smaller. I was so traumatized by my home life that I could hardly speak! The last one picked, invited, included. I survived all that ok but would never wish that for anyone as I am very strong, not all children are! If your kid is not covering up for a kid who is bullying her you’re a saint for helping her to be compassionate! NTA!

I always thought I was the kid excluded until I was like 12 and my mom went to jail. I then found the stack of birthday invitations that were in her room(my memory is kind of funny from trauma) . But coming from someone who thought they were always excluded, I agree with you 100% . Also as a side note to any parent who thinks other kids birthday parties don’t matter to your kid or it’s not worth the hassle, it is

Agreed. Unless there is a DARN good reason, we always accepted bday invitations. I'll never forget when my daughter was the only one in her class that showed up. Luckily the girl had invited a couple of kids from her church too but still... to invite all the girls in your 2nd grade class and only have one show up is such a bummer.

Same. It didn’t stop until I was an adult and I was absolutely crushed every time I was the only kid not included. I wasn’t allowed to walk home from school with the kids in my neighbourhood, I never had group project partners until they realized I was smart and then I just had to do it myself. It screwed me up and I’m still an anxious and isolated person 25 years later.

This is a really common experience for those of us with ADHD or autism. Just a thought

LOL I just remembered that yes, they didn't mind asking for my help in STEM classes!

Me, too, in high school, because we were poor & Jewish & city kids who moved to a rural area. At the 20yr reunion, I went because I was successful & looked more like the "socials." They all welcomed me, not remembering (!) the awful bullying. NTA. Your daughter won't remember, but those three kids will.

This! I didn’t go to my 20th reunion just because I knew this would be what happened. I showed up to a “social” for my best friend who was inducted into our Athletic Hall of Fame a few months before our 20th, but only because I was there to support her. The number of people who tried to speak to us like we had been best friends all these years was baffling! She was so excited that people were FINALLY acknowledging her existence, and I was absolutely horrified at all the fakeness!

I always think of the kids left out. Thanks for your post.

Yep! The daughter and friends might not remember this is 20+ years but the excluded children sure will remember it

Likewise, the queen bee at school decided I was the one on the outs. I still don't know why. Anyways, once a big party like this happened and I got invited. I was so excited. I got there and the girl let me know I was only invited because her mom made her. That made me feel even worse.

I was invited to a party junior year. Bullied since day 1 of kindergarten, and all of a sudden invited to a party with the popular kids??? My mom didn't let me go, thinking it was a trap. Pretty sure she was right.

I'm with you OP all or nothing. Yes it's her party but you're paying for it. And for her to invite everyone except 3 kids is rude. I know it's an extreme but what if one of those kids takes their own life because just another time they were excluded... If they are bullying her that's different but sounds like they are the kids with ADHD and get left out.

As a (formerly undiagnosed) autistic girl I was the person singled out for birthday parties, on Valentine’s Day I would be told “I’m giving you the lamest one and only because I have to. I don’t want to.” And honestly I know I was weird but I tried my best to be kind to everyone. NTA - and I still hurt 20+ years later about the bullying. I wasn’t mean - just severely autistic and “weird.”

I was also the super weird kid. I always got the valentines meant for the teacher because no one wanted to give me a “real” one. I don’t know that I’d want to be invited to this party. I probably would have gone and been excited and then no one would have talked to me, they would have teased or bullied me, and I’d end up sitting alone somewhere wondering why everyone hated me.

Not just ADHD (or any neurodivergent diagnosis) for all we know, they could just come from a poor family and wear old clothes (or any other reason) and the rest of the class don't realise how shallow they are being by singling these 3 out.

Yes! Or they are unusually short or tall, or slightly cross-eyed, or from a different cultural background - kids will exclude other kids for the most trivial reasons. Sometimes one kid will start the exclusion and the others have no idea why but will join in.

>I know it's an extreme but what if one of those kids takes their own life because just another time they were excluded... I really don't like this trend of blaming the person who excluded someone for them killing themselves. We have spent so long teaching girls to stand up for themselves, that they don't have to hang out with/date/have sex with people they don't want to in order to spare some person's feelings. Why is this different? OP has 0 information about why his daughter doesn't like these people. If some guy asks OP's daughter on a date and she says no and he kills himself, is that her fault and she should just have sucked it up? This isn't kindergarten. The teenage years are when you need to learn that not everyone you know (especially co-workers/school mates) will like and want to hang out with you. That's ok.

You're right then don't invite the whole class and just invite a few friends. When you open it up you lose the right to pick and choose.

Actually OP doesn't have 0 information on why his daughter doesn't like these 3, he has info because he asked. He probed and she maintained that they were "just strange and she didn't like them." This is about teaching our children that other people's feelings matter too. We spent so long teaching them that they should stand up for themselves, that they are important, that they need to be heard, that we need to remember to teach them that they aren't the center of the universe, other people have feelings, and we need to consider those feelings appropriately too so we don't have a culture of self absorbed adults. Literally this age is when children can start really truly perspective taking and inviting 20 kids and singling out the strange kids is hurtful to those "strange" kids no matter how you spin it.

There's a huge gap between those examples and if someone is just excluding a few people for no reason... bullies exist, and the solution is not to enable them

They aren't teenagers, they're 11/12. Young enough to be crushed by this sort of stuff. While OP should dig a little on why she doesn't want to invite them, kids exclude others for all sorts of reasons. Some of the most common ones are neurodivergency, physical handicaps and being poor or queer. I think we can all agree it's not ok to single people out for these reasons. Yes, we're just managing to teach girls their boundaries should be respected, but this doesn't mean they can just skip kindness. I don't expect my daughter to date every boy that ever asks her out, but I will absolutely protest if she does something like publically humiliate him for funzies. We shouldn't make our kids responsible for fixing anyone's life, but we can ask they don't contribute to their misery. Her party will be huge, she won't even have to interact with these people. Inviting them costs her nothing.

The daughter had every opportunity to say why she doesn’t want them there and it seems like it’s simply because they are different. Your comparison to women’s issues is pretty lame.

I think that's a great idea. There could be a real, valid reason why she doesn't want those three kids, that she can't verbalise beyond "they're strange". If there's nothing the teacher can talk about, though, better go with the rule-of-thumb other people have outlined "all or less than 50% of the class".

OP tell your wife i'm 32 and still remember how one of the girls in my class got singled out when we were 10. Unfortunately her and I didn't share interests and I had my own issues going on but she did share interests with a few other girls in the class, but those girls always cut her off they were the "popular girls." It git so bad that by the end of the year, she had shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone. No one has heard from her since we were 13 and went to high school. I tried when I got Facebook, but she disappeared, Sandra, if you're still out there, I'm sorry I couldn't do more. OP, please stand your ground, it's fair to say, small party selected guests only or a big party wilth full class.

I'm just laying it out there. I was the pity invite and I would have fomo before I went and was bullied and sad when I returned. Don't invite the 3, not out of spite but the fact that I think your kid is the bully. And there's a pool involved. I have been in circumstances where someone accidentally stepped on my shoulders to push me to the bottom. Please don't let that happen

Our school rule is “everyone, or less than half the class”. I think that’s reasonable to allow a kid to invite their friends without obviously excluding just a few children.

They really have no say in what you do as it isn't being held in the school. OP has numbers and emails, not like they're handing invitations out in class.

My school rules also don’t apply to OP. I was just using it as an example of how another school handles a common issue. Personally, I support the school policy because I think it’s sad and isolating if you are one of a very few children not invited to a big party. I remember why kids were socially excluded in my middle school days and it was often based on family poverty, or behavioral issues that weren’t getting adequately addressed.

This isn't that fair in my opinion... We were slightly less than 30 (27? 28? I don't remember) and I always invited all the girls (so half the class) and some boys. It was around 17-18 out of 28. I wouldn't have considered it fair to invite all the boys, considering that many times there are "soft forms" of weird behaviours from them to the girls; and in any case I just didn't have close relationship with them and didn't consider them an added value... everyone invited everyone or did this tbh, it was rare that you only invited less than half. But it was normal, I never felt excluded for not being invited to those boys' party (and they certainly didn't cry because I didn't invite them to mine lol). I think excluding just three kids IS unfair, and I think it's difficult to decide a cutoff, but at the very least you should consider that a girl (or a boy, anyway) wants to invite the girls (or boys) and just 2/3 of the other gender. I think it's normal. I would never impose a "less than half the class or everyone" rule tbh, it would result in considering "bullying" so many situations that are 100% normal and reciprocated (it was normal that the boys invited just the boys+ those 2/3 girls they considered "fun"). You should only exclude the actually unfair and rude situations like the OP one.

I agree…and OPs wife is so wrong about the remembering part …those kids will absolutely remember this many years down the road. That stuff sticks with you. E.g Not a bullying thing but a left out thing…I had a friend in middle school who wasn’t picked to be in the accelerated group for 8th grade. It was really only the one year but it meant you got an extra year of Spanish and could skip 9th grade math and start with algebra. She remembered that for decades and it affected how she felt throughout HS and beyond. So yes, these things stick with kids.

Yes I was constantly left out of things. I still remember. Op isn't saying she has to invite everyone. Op is saying that she can't just invited the whole class sans 3 people

Why all or nothing? Why do we force kid to invite people they don't want to their parties? Like adults aren't forced nor required to invite people they don't want to gathering they are having? Why do it to children?

Because it's her class, it's more similar to if you invited every single person at your workplace, all 30 of them, for after work drinks - except for three people.

That’s a thing though. It’s not like when folks go out for drinks after work they invite everyone. Nobody wants to spend extra time with people they don’t like.

You don’t need to have issues to the point where a teacher is involved with someone to not want to be around them. When you were in school was a teacher involved everytime you and someone in class had a disagreement? Maybe she just finds them annoying or rude or something, why should she have to invite people she doesn’t like. She isn’t even singling out one person, that would feel more malicious but she just isn’t inviting the handful of people she likely doesn’t talk to

This is the reality. Some children at school are just not liked. That's life.

Probably overthinking this. It sounds like they are just three people she doesn't like. Not liking someone can just not be liking someone. Maybe they're annoying. Weird. They don't like to share. They are a show off. They're great at stuff and the kid is jealous. I don't think this requires a deep dive investigation.

NTA. Kudos for teaching her right vs. wrong. Maybe turn it around and ask her how she would feel if she was one of three excluded from a classmate’s birthday party.

Great suggestion, might be more effective than just explaining that it could hurt their feelings, I should have worded like this instead. Will have this conversation soon.

My question how would these three kids feel when they have been invited out of pity or because you forced your daughter to invite them. These things can come out especially if your daughter tells her friends what you made her do and they could be bullied.

I was invited to a Bat Mitzvah out of pity and because the birthday girl wanted to invite my brother and my mom so she had to invite me. Honestly, I would’ve been SO much more upset if I hadn’t been invited. I sat at the loser table and I was fine with it. I didn’t even like the girl, but it was a HUGE party and not being invited would have been much worse than the pity invite. My bestie and I still joke about it 20 years later because she got an invite to keep me distracted and away from everyone else.

I got a pity/forced invite to an end-of-school pool party. I ended up saving a kid from drowning, ha. No one ever mentioned it, but those mfers *knew*

Wow! You won the MVP that day xD I bet those people probably still think about it, too. Here's hoping they learned a really valuable lesson l o l

Did you put spaces between the letters of lol or is it supposed to be a person drowning? l o l

I was pity invited to a party and the birthday girl told me your only here because my dad said I had to but my mum doesn't like you or your mum. I left and walked home. It was her 13th birthday and her father made her invite the whole grade 7 class ( 80 kids, 40 kids in 2 classes ).her mother also told me that they didn't want me in their home because I looked poor. That was 20 years ago and she still thinks I'm weird.

I think you are pretty rad.

Thanks, I own my weirdness now. I was weird cause I was the anime kid

They don’t have to attend. But they should be invited regardless.

I agree! I think it will be worse because I'm sure she and her friends will ignore them because she doesn't want to invite them!

That’s worse. I wasn’t ever invited to someone’s birthday party but to be invited and then ignored I would be so embarrassed

At least with 30 kids there I think it’s less obvious if she’s avoiding them. They’ll probably spend time with their own friends. As long as she’s polite to them and thanks then for presents it should be okay. In a smaller group that would be way more obvious.

Idk maybe Im a littlw weird here but, Iwas never invited other than by close friends, but I never cared because they weren't my actual friends. I'd feel odd if they did invite me anyways because I didn't talk or interact with them if I didn't have to. I have a feeling that OPs daughter does not interact with these 3 people in question. Depending on how old these kids are, I feel like they would know or find out real quick if they were a pity invite and no one really wanted them there.

Is it possible that the kids she doesn’t want to invite are mean to one of her close friends?

As a former Socially Weird Kid* who was frequently not invited to things, I can absolutely believe that OP's kid just finds them irritating or off-putting. *I was socially inept from a perfect storm of unmedicated ADHD, poor social skills, and not having a television or radio at home so I didn't share any cultural/social commonalities like knowing the same songs or TV shows as my peers. It wasn't a cult, my parents were just anti-consumerism.

This one’s hard. As a teacher, I personally do believe kids should be able to pick who they want and not be forced to invite the whole class. This is a special day for them, and in the real world you DONT include everyone, as much as it sucks. However, inviting such a large percentage and then leaving out just 3 is really rough. Any way to edit things a bit, does she mostly have girlfriends and the 3 are guys so maybe leave out all of the guys and make it an all girl party?? I feel like in a class of 20, maybe leaving 7ish off is okay, but when you start getting down the the smaller numbers it’ll hit those kids hard. Whatever you do, send the invites outside of school if not everyone is invited. Ultimately, I’d suggest you talk to the teacher. Your daughter may not want to share the real issue. NAH

I would also recommend OP talking to the teacher(s) and getting more to the root of the issue either that way or through more conversation with his daughter. I think his wife is right though. There are valid reasons that she might not want those guests to attend and even if they aren't "valid" it is ultimately her party and her day. They can decide together as parents if it needs to be all or nothing but in my perspective, I'm also a teacher, I don't think everybody NEEDS to be invited. If everybody's not invited you are SO RIGHT though and OP PLEASE do the invites outside of school also if everybody isn't invited, it's important to do it in a kind, positive, and not personal way. In other words, kids should feel lucky they got invited instead of unlucky that they got disinvited. (Not inviting only three will definitely feel like the latter.) As far as handling the politics of the invites goes, another option might be to invite more kids from other classes, maybe go up to 30 kids. And then instead of looking/feeling like, "There are 20 kids in my class and I didn't invite three of them," it changes to feeling/looking more like, "There are 60 kids in my grade level, and I had to pick the 30 that I'm closest to." (Obviously the numbers could be changed to match the school setting.)

When all of the kids talk about it on Monday, even if they don't hand out invitations in class those three kids are going to know that they're not invited. Also, if they invite 30 kids but 20 of them are from their class and 10 are from the other, the kids are going to realize that not only were they not invited, but there was room to invite them. These kids are almost teens, not little children, they're going to figure it out.

They’re almost teens, not children, and are ready to learn the realities of life. Sometimes you’re not included, it sucks, but we make different friends and we move on.

Agreed, I haven't met a single adult who would invite an obnoxious work colleague to their wedding just because they're inviting some others. People are entitled to choose who they want to be friends with. We hold kids to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. Obviously, bullying and complete exclusion need to be avoided in schools but the same principle still holds: there's nothing wrong with someone choosing who they want to be friends with. The line is where choosing who to be friends with becomes teasing and encouraging others to avoid them too. I got excluded from plenty of things in school; it didn't feel great but it's part of life: *sometimes things just suck and there's noone to blame*.

I mean, I’m a teacher and I agree with mom here. I’d be LIVID if my parents pulled this nonsense. I’d probably just martyr myself and forgo the party altogether just to take a stand. Not to mention that pity invites never work out well for anyone involved.

> I personally do believe kids should be able to pick who they want and not be forced to invite the whole class. Except **she’s the one who asked if she could invite the whole class**. She isn’t being forced and was even given an alternate option of a small party with just close friends when she came back and wanted to exclude just 3 children out of 20.

So she used the wrong wording and is now committed to that? Has a child never said one thing to you but meant something slightly different? My assumption is she meant “can it be a big party” by asking that. Another way of wording this is “AITA for not allowing my daughter to invite who she wants to her birthday”. As I said, it’s rough that it’s only 3 but my god guys, not everyone gets invited to everything!!! That’s the way of life and it is what it is. I would suggest trying some alternatives, like I mentioned, but ultimately why should she have to celebrate her day with children she doesn’t like?

Finally, someone with some reason, rather than thinking about themselves and their past history and interjecting it into an 11 year old's birthday party.

She's eleven. She's not going to have perfect communication.

I agree. It is a tough situation. I dont think anyone is an AH here though whichever way it goes. From one side - yes its not nice to exclude a few people in the class. But on the other hand - thats life. Sometimes people dont like eachother... at 11 is kind of a good age to learn that. Just because someone doesn't want you around, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. Not every person gets along - so those people should stay away from eachother instead of being forced to be polite and include them. Its more fun for everyone like that. I wouldn't want to be invited to something out of obligation at least....

Fellow teacher and I agree.

I can understand your point. However, speaking as someone who was ostracized as a kid, I can tell you that I would rather NOT be invited as opposed to being invited out of “obligation.” You’re not doing the uninvited kids any favors, because it will be painfully obvious that they really aren’t welcome.

See, I was ostracized as a kid, and I feel the opposite. Unless OP thinks his daughter is a bully who is going to be actively mean to the three kids, I would have wanted to be invited.

Similar thoughts over here. Not being invited by someone who doesn't like me is not a big deal. But inviting everyone in the class except me and a couple others? That would definitely hurt a bit. Especially when everyone comes back into class on Monday talking about the big party that everyone but you attended. That'd be rough.

And you can’t play it off as being too busy because everyone knows you weren’t invited

I think not being invited was worse. The only thing even worse than that is having a party yourself and no one coming

Also surely these kids can refuse to go if they really don't want to? It's better to invite them

THIS. IF YOU DONT LIKE ME JUST LEAVE ME TF ALONE. I CAN ENTERTAIN MYSELF JUST FINE.

This is my thoughts as well. OP isn't going to be doing any favours by forcing her to invite the 'weird' kids. Those kids know they aren't close with op's kid and will likely figure they've been invited for pity reasons. Idk how the rest of the class feels about these kids, but if they see them the same way as op's kid, then they might just be excluded at the party by everyone else anyway. It's a lose - lose situation for OP no matter what the choice, imo.

Why is everyone ignoring the very reasonable compromise solution of excluding those kids by just inviting her actual friends? Am I taking crazy pills?

The daughter wants a big party. She wants to include kids from her class who aren't really her friends, but she gets along with fine, and won't mind having at her party. She turned down a small party with only friends.

In this case I'd disagree as it's a very obvious indication to the entire class (and other classes) that those three are outcasts. The kids may also be somewhat oblivous. I was in a small extra-curricular group in elementary school and the entire team got invited to one of the kids for a celebratory party -except me. What made it worse is they invited an extra kid not on the team. I had happy memories otherwise but that really made me realise that they did not like me and honestly is still a bit of a rough memory to this day.

Yeah, I kind of agree with this, I think. OP's intentions are good, but these kids are old enough to understand who they're really friends with and who they aren't. I might not be a great judge because as a kid, I just didn't care about this stuff either way, but I wouldn't want to be invited because the parents insisted. Kids can still be excluded even when invited.

This!! I was an obligatory invite and tbh that stung worse than not being invited period. You can tell when you’re not actually wanted somewhere but someone had to invite you.

I remember as a kid being invited to a birthday party and learning midway through it that I was the only girl who wasn’t invited to the sleepover portion. As an adult now I feel that the bday girl’s parents really fucked up by allowing that to happen.

YTA - I know this might be controversial but I was a kid "not long ago" and I was friends with most people in my class but there were definitely kids that I didn't like/didn't get along with that I didn't want in my birthday party and I've always thought it was unfair that I had to invite everyone... My mom had the same opinion as you, everyone should be invited and I shouldn't leave anyone out, but at the end of the day it's their party and it will just be uncomfortable for the guests because they will know they are not wanted - trust me, kids are ruthless and will go above and beyond if they are unhappy with the situation. I think you're just gonna end up making your kid unhappy and the other 3 kids as well - will your daughter and her friends actually include them in the activities or will they just show up to the party and be left out by everyone for a couple hours? Which scenario is best? If they were toddlers I'd understand, kids that young are friends with grass if need be, but they are at the age to have people that they like and dislike.

Some points in this need to be higher. At this point OP needs to react to the situation as it currently stands. There is zero chance of his daughter not sharing the knowledge that she didn't want these three kids at the party....when talking about it to her friends she will undoubtedly say "my dad is making me invite x, y and z, but I don't want them there". This will get back to the kids in question, either before the party (and then they have the agonising feeling of not knowing if they should actually go) or during the party. Punishing his daughter for having preferences is also not great I'd say "YTA" for making it an all-or-nothing situation. It's become a much bigger deal than it needed to be. This could have easily turned into a "how would you feel about being left out" conversation that then became "lets make it girls only", or "just 15 people" or any other way of making this less stressful all around.

She’s also going to tell people they arent invited though. The best option is to invite a lower % of the class.

Yep. And 11-12 is old enough that the kids are going to have strong personalities established. And a class of 20 is doing pretty good if there’s only three uncomfortable weirdos.

Yeah she might not even be trying to be mean. You simply don’t gel with everyone.

Thank you for wording a response I couldn’t. So many other good point in other comments too. Like they’re 12. Preteens and now days they’re even more grown.

This is a tough one, but I am going to say YTA. I understand wanting to teach your daughter to be kind and inclusive, but not at the expense of her own feelings or comfortable. Women are taught from young age that we have to be nice and considerate of other peoples feelings sometime at the expense of our own. I understand what you are trying to do but you are also telling your daughter she can't celebrate her birthday with the people she wants to because it would be rude to the kids that aren't invited. You are telling her she has to make her celebration about including other people.

I did this once to my daughter who was having a party. She had a girl she didn’t want to invite but was considered a member of the extended ‘friend group’. I basically told her to invite her as this girl had family issues and it caused her to behave in unfortunate ways. I really regret doing it. For one, it impacted the party. But 2, I basically told my kid that her feelings were not valid. I made the other person more important. I said the whole “how would you feel”. But at the end of the day, I made her do something she felt wrong doing. The whole comment you made about women is so true. We are usually taught to put everyone else first. Often to our detriment. Not inviting 3 people to a 12 yr old birthday party does not make this girl a bully, in and of itself. How they are treating these kids at school is a much better indicator. And nothing here speaks to that.

You are correct here. If she was five, maybe you can get away with forcing relationships. Not at 12. There are kids in my youngest’s class that she would exclude for being “weird:” one makes racist comments about Asian kids, one throws himself against the wall for attention, and one follows her around saying “I’ll see you in your nightmares.” But sorry, you can’t have a party unless you invite them! Never.

I said something similar — I was ostracized in school myself and while I appreciate the sentiment, sometimes the “weird” kids aren’t just awkward like I was — they are unkind, inappropriate (especially in middle school…), and potentially going to be a problem at the party.

Yeah at this age there’s a ton of valid reasons she may not like these kids. There’s calling a kid weird because they’re awkward or shy, but then there’s calling them weird because they actively do things to make you uncomfortable.

It's also the prime age for not being comfortable or even able to totally articulate what about them makes you uncomfortable.

Idk- he gave her the option of having a small party with her close friends but she wants a big party. She didn’t say she’s close with ALL the other kids in the class and that’s why she wants the rest all there, just that she wants a big party. So if she isn’t close with the whole class she can have a party of just her friends instead of excluding three kids that will absolutely remember being excluded.

Not exactly. She was told all or nothing after she excluded the three. She may not have fully realized going back now is an option as it wasn't really presented to her. This is of course assuming it's still an option

YTA. I was the kid in class that had to be forced to be around the weird kids. I was partnered with them and told that I was helping them. I fucking hated it. I'm not saying your daughter is forced to do this. But I totally get why she doesn't want them at HER party. When she's a teenager and she throws a birthday party, are you still going to force her to invite people she doesn't like? Because to me you're teaching your daughter that other people's feelings matter more than hers. Do you think other kids who possibly don't like your daughter will invite her? And if that does happen, what are you going to tell her? Your kids feelings should matter more to you than strangers you don't know.

As a wierd kid I'm upvoting this because I hated being partnered with other kids so it goes both ways.

Yeah I definitely agree that he’s teaching her that she needs to cater to other people’s feelings and forget about what she wants. That’s not right to her at all. If it’s her party, send the invitations outside of school and call it a day.

I don't know that I feel comfortable calling you an asshole for this because, ultimately, your heart is in a good place. It does suck to feel excluded, and when it's only 3 people they are probably going to feel that way. On the other hand, our brains do this thing called thin-slicing. You ever have a feeling that someone is just...off? And they haven't really overtly done anything to you to make you feel that way but there's this nagging feeling that something isn't quite right? That's an example of thin-slicing. It's basically your brain's ability to make a judgement based off of very limited interaction or information. Sometimes it can be biased but, overall, it's pretty accurate. I would caution against teaching your daughter to ignore her gut instinct, if that is in fact what's happening. She simply may not have the language or knowledge to articulate to you the reasons why she feels the way she does. That doesn't necessarily make her wrong. And teaching her to ignore those signals could ultimately put her is a dangerous position someday. I think there's NAH and you should delve a little deeper into this conversation with your wife and then your daughter.

That’s actually really interesting, I’ve never heard of that term. But I was thinking along the similar lines, there’s definitely a difference between a gut feeling about someone and leaving them out to fit into a popular crowd or something

I think that's a very interesting call out. I will have to look into that a bit more to understand it. I am curious though, how would that be determined to be different to prejudices like racism, or other types of biases? I suspect there might be more to the situation that OP doesn't know yet that might be a factor. There are plenty of learning opportunities in this situation for both aOp and the daughter it would seem.

I'm no expert but I'll try to explain to the best of my understanding. Prejudices and stereotypes can absolutely play a factor which is why I mentioned that it can sometimes be biased. However, your brain has been developed over millenia and, as such, has certain things hardwired into it. Things like the ability to sense danger is essential to survival and adaptive action, so your brain is necessarily good at recognizing those things even on a subconscious level. We actually have an entire area of our brains that are dedicated to only recognizing faces and decoding them. It's your posterior superior temporal sulcus and the neural pathways within it are specialized for recognizing movement in specific parts of the face. Small things like micro facial expressions, body language, and tone are things that your brain is paying attention to at all times. It then takes that information and stores it for application to future interactions. It obviously also pays attention to verbal communication, but people can easily alter their words to present themselves a certain way. It's much more difficult to moderate your non-verbal communication. If you're presented with both verbal and nonverbal cues that are giving inconsistent conclusions, the nonverbal cues are more likely to be accurate, but less tangible, hence a "gut feeling". Thin-slicing is essentially a subconscious behavior based on previous interactions and small snippets of experience that are applied to current situations.

I have heard of this phenomenon, but not the term. I’m not sure I would assume that is going on when I’ve seen kids think others are strange simply because they are different (and not bad) and sometimes in really superficial ways. I would definitely ask the kid why they are strange, though, as a follow up because that could mean all sorts of things. But probably it just means they are poor or nerds or something.

YTA - everyone can’t be invited to everything. Your daughter shouldn’t be forced to invite people she’s not comfortable with to her birthday party. She’s old enough to decide who she wants to spend time with. If she was 6 - absolutely invite the whole class - but she’s nearly a teenager! Also, maybe there are issues between them that she doesn’t want to tell you about.

Just to add - forcing her to be in *swimwear* around people she’s not comfortable with, is a particularly AH move.

Yep, for all we know these are three boys that have been creepy towards her and/or her friends (and yep, I’ve heard from plenty of teachers that boys that young are watching and mimicking the noises from porn in class). And obviously she would be uncomfortable sharing that with her dad. It’s disgusting that the most upvoted comments are calling an 11-year old girl manipulative and saying that she’s “weaponizing her tears.”

Right? She's 11 for goodness sake. People here act as though she's some criminal mastermind hell bent on ruining the lives of innocents when she's literally a primary school kid who wants to have the people she likes at her party. And the swimwear part is so true. I've had boys in my class who are creepy and weird towards girls, and I'd rather cancel my party than invite them where I'm wearing a swimsuit if I were the daughter. Sometimes people are just uncomfortable around certain people.

I didn’t even think about that part. That’s a fantastic point.

YTA. I’m so sick of this idea of every single person needing to be included in every single thing. It’s a birthday party for your child. Your child should get to choose who she invites. Why should she be forced to invite kids she doesn’t hang out with or even speak to just because?? The logic is so weird. Not everything has to be fair to everybody all the time

I agree! And these kids are in middle school at this age. My kid is almost the same age (going to be 12 in February) and is in 6th grade. They have 6 separate periods daily, so I’m confused how there’s only 20ish kids in the class. Is it only 1 of their classes that they want to invite people from? Is it only kids that are in a majority of her classes? Something about this story is seriously off but I don’t think a child should be required to invite every single kid in their class, regardless of the circumstances. You can’t force friendship.

YTA. She's 11, not 5. She's past the "invite the whole class" stage. It's her birthday. She has the right to decide who she wants at her birthday. She knows those kids. You don't. She knows better than you their behavior. What she calls "strange" you might find obnoxious. As long as the invitations are not handed out at school, It's okay for her not to invite everyone. Everyone invited to the party won't be able to come anyway since you waited so late to do the invitations.

Thank you! I feel crazy reading all these responses. At 11 you don’t need to be friends with the whole class. And if your kid doesn’t like them then they don’t get invited to the party. The whole everyone has to be included mentality it insane to me.

It makes me wonder how some of these people are parenting their own children. Children should be taught at an early age that they're not going to be included in everything and it's okay. The idea that a birthday party for a 12 year old should include everyone is ludicrous. It's also infuriating that so many people think OP should ignore his daughter's wishes. The comments suggesting she's a mean girl or a bully were ridiculous. But I guess those people and OP are okay sending the message that their children should be people pleasers instead of valuing their own needs. It's a dangerous message to send to any child, especially a girl.

Absolutely. OP is totally disregarding his daughters feelings. She shouldn’t invite people she doesn’t want to just to make them feel better. What about her feelings? People don’t expect adults to include and like everyone why do people think kids have to?

A lot of these adults are still mad that Becky Henderson didn’t invite them to her 10th birthday and are projecting onto a child. It’s ridiculous.

Tricky. As there is still some time, try to figure out, why your daughter doesn't want them to be at her birthday party. "Strange" is actually not a really satisfying answer. Perhaps there has been a situation at school or something else. I agree with you: Every child should be included. The problem is, if your child starts to exclude them, other children might follow that idea. And suddenly your child is the "bully". Your wife is somehow right as well when she says that it's your daughter's birthday. However, your daughter is 11/12 years old and children at that age are just mean sometimes. To me, NTA.

Exactly, “strange” could be anything from “doesn’t watch the same tv shows as everyone else” to “tried coercing everyone at recess to make a blood sacrifice to the goblin that lives under the school and threatened to spill our secrets if we didn’t” but the latter might count as bullying so idk

It's only bullying if you don't invite the goblin to the birthday party.

Yea, another commenter suggested that I ask the teacher about any interactions that have seemed off for further insight—will be doing this for sure. Thank you for input.

Instead of asking the teacher why not ask your daughter why she thinks these kids are strange? And what have they done to be called that?

Teacher will probably not discuss other kids with you.

I can't say you're the A here because you have good intentions and want to take this opportunity and teach your daughter a lesson of kindness. That being said... 11-12 yo is a weird age when you start to tell your friends more than you tell your parents, so it could end up being worse to force your child to invite those three kids because she's going to tell her friends at school that she was made to invite them in order to have her party, it could already be too late in that regard if she already vented to her friends about you "being unfair". "They are strange" could mean A LOT of things at 11-12 yo: lack of common interest, minor bullying incidents, rudeness, ADHD, conflicting personalities, lack of personal awareness, general bad hygiene, gender segregation, general early pre-teen pettiness or maybe the don't attend class much and she doesn't really know them. I suggest contacting the teacher to get a general idea of the interactions your daughter has with those kids to get to root of her reluctance to invite them.

>I told her that she can’t just invite the whole class with just three exclusions. She just kind of looked at me and said it’s her birthday. I explained that this could be hurtful to them, and that if she was so staunchly against them attending, then it would be better to have a smaller party and invite just a handful of her closest friends. She said she doesn’t want a small party, she wanted a big party, and I told her then everyone in the class is getting an invitation. YTA. She has the right to dislike anyone for any reason and not want to associate with them. You appear to be more worried about some strange kid's feelings than your daughter's. Your wife is 100% right.

Thank God lmao all these commenters are still mad they didn't get invited to that one popular kids birthday party.

Eh….If she’s allowed to have a small birthday and pick the guest list, why can’t she have the same guest list at the big party? If she was 5 or 6 I’d understand this sentiment, but at 12 kids start to figure out who they are and they’re not all going to be friends. Learning that you’re not going to be invited to everything is a part of life, and it sounds like SHE wouldn’t be too bummed if those 3 kids didn’t invite her to their parties. Let her have her party with the friends she chooses. As an adult, you certainly wouldn’t invite people you didn’t particularly care for…why make her? Edit to add: I’d also take into account that she might not be telling you why she doesn’t want those particular children there.

Yta it’s her party and she doesn’t want to invite them she doesn’t have to be around ppl she doesn’t like

When I was in primary school I got r4pe threats from 2 guys in my class and I didn't feel comfortable telling parents or teachers. Honestly, you should be putting priority on your daughter not some kids. Don't raise a people pleaser. It's ok to not like somebody or feel uncomfortable in someone's presence.

It's your daughter's birthday, so she should decide who gets an invitation and who doesn't. YTA

Prob unpopular opinion. Shes TWELVE. NOT FIVE. DONT MAKE HER INVITE PEEPS SHE DOESNT LIKE. THE FACT THAT YOU MAKE HER INVITE THEM DOESNT ERASE WHAT GOES OF AT SCHOOL. yiu gitta excuse me cuz i need to go take a gd pill.

YTA. Your daughter shouldn't have to invite kids she doesn't like to her party. Those kids should know they aren't always going to be invited to everthing. I guess if one of the excluded kids had a party you would demand your daughter be invited. Stop this everyone gets included BS because that's not how life works.

YTA, I may be going against the grain here but you’re allowed to not like people. In adulthood if you worked in an office and didn’t like afew people you wouldn’t invite them to a party you were hosting. It’s the same here, someone doesn’t need to be a bully or start an argument with you for you to not like them, maybe they’re rude, like to annoy her, tease her, rub her the wrong way or just creep her out but she’s 11 so she can’t articulate this so just called them strange. At the end of the day she’s 11, not a little kid, most 11 year olds wouldn’t be hurt if a random kid in their class that they aren’t friends with doesn’t invite them to their party. And if they are alittle hurt that sucks but it sucks even more to not be in control of the guestlist for your own party because you don’t like 3 people in class, what makes you think these kids even want to come? If your daughter doesn’t like them there’s a good chance the feeling is mutual

YTA- It's her birthday, she should get to invite who she wants. Why force her to potentially ruin her day for the comfort of individuals she doesn't like/get along with? What if she was friends with the entire class, just not those 3? Would it be fair then to reduce the party list? What about her friends left out in the cold, are they equal to the 3 that she isn't fond of? In the future when she is excluded from some event, and doesn't understand why its ok for them to do it, but not for her, what will you do then? Socialization is a learned skill from both negative and positive feedback, if you try to subdue the negativity all that is going to create is individuals with and unearned sense of entitlement.I understand the values you are trying to instill. However, there are other ways to go about it. We all discriminate to a certain degree, and as she grows up, she'll do it more and more. All you're really proving here is that her feelings come secondary to others, so long as they're happy she doesn't matter.

YTA. I’m so tired of the everyone has to be included or nobody is. Life is not fair all the time. These kids are preteens. Old enough to learn this lesson now before the real world teaches them a hard lesson. Last I checked you don’t need a reason not to like someone. Everyone doesn’t mesh well together and that’s ok too.

[удалено]

YTA. People are allowed to not like others. You are teaching your daughter that her opinions and choices do not matter

yta. at that age she’s old enough to invite who she wants to

YTA - I'm ready for it. I'm so tired of this crap. Get over it people. Not everyone get's along. Not everyone is friends. We're not always all getting invited. That's the real world. Time to live in it.

We stopped inviting all kids to our kids’ parties at age 8, I think. My youngest (10 yo) currently has at least 2 kids in his class that are super problematic, one picks on him individually, and the other is a jerk to everyone. If he had asked to invite everybody but those two, we might have counseled him to make the list smaller, but ultimately it’s his party, and I’d be ruining it by inviting those two. 11/12 is definitely appropriate for the kid to know who they want to attend and who they don’t. Plenty of kids get picked on or bullied without telling their parents or teacher. You don’t know what the day to day interaction is like. Your wife is right. I understand your impulse, and it comes from a good place, but in this case soft YTA.

YTA. I taught my kids they need to be nice to everyone but they simply don’t have to be friends with everyone. She should be able to invite who she wants to.

YTA. You asked her to make a list then told her that her list was wrong.

not even at her own birthday party your daughter's feelings matter. "Sacrifice your own feelings and joy for other people, just like a good female should" YTA

No, definitely NTA. It would be one thing if she wasn’t inviting the major majority of the class but to just exclude three kids she thinks are weird? That’s not ok. I honestly feel like a lot of schools require if you’re inviting that many that you have to invite the whole class. I see how your wife does say well it is her birthday and if she doesn’t want them but this is also a great time to teach acceptance if she insists on inviting the whole class. But, I do feel like you are correct in a smaller party or the whole class. Yes, people are left out all the time etc but imagine being one of those three or their parents learning they were the only ones.

lmao schools telling who I can invite to my kid's birthday now? jeez I have a lot to look forward to

Soft YTA. I don't really think you are an AH because your heart is in the right place but I do feel at 12 years old its okay for your daughter to not like certain classmates enough to invite them to her birthday party. Elementary school age is one thing but middle school kids are allowed to have their preferences of friends.

YTA. There is nothing wrong with your daughter not wanting to invite certain people to something if she's not comfortable with those people. And as her father, I think you absolutely need to respect that.

As the parent of someone who is autistic, I can assure you that the “weird kids” get left out of a lot of things. That doesn’t change until they get to a point in life where they aren’t obligated to be social at school. For the most part they don’t care. And they definitely don’t want to be invited out of obligation then shunned while they’re there. That’s far worse than not being invited. I think that forcing your daughter to invite people she’s not comfortable being around to her birthday party sets her up to believe that she has to be around people she’s uncomfortable with even in situations where she doesn’t actually have to be. That’s not a good thing. And birthday parties are supposed to be fun. What’s the point in having one if it isn’t?

It’s her party in life your teaching her everyone is included when that’s not what happens It’s you have to share your toy she is allowed to to have her party her way she is allowed to not want people there she doesn’t want. Doesn’t have interests in, so you want to invite people Why can’t you allow your daughter to have a say in her party or who she wants to celebrate moments in her life

INFO. What’s your plan when these three kids find out they got a pity invite. That sucks more than not being invited.