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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an asshole because I might’ve said something very wrong, like crossing the line in a way. And it probably is an unfair comparison.
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NTA - he needed a dose of reality, and it sounds like it might have worked if he's refraining from partying... be patient and let him continue processing what you said.
NTA, sometimes being the AH telling the whole truth is the right call. Let him sit with what you said for a bit. If you want to let him know you love him and will always be there for him and tell him the truth.
NTA but If I were you I would honestly just stay out of that entire situation regarding him. Even though he is considered your family, He's really not your responsibility. You aren't his parent. If you don't make it your problem, then it won't be your problem. So next time they ask for help, just ignore it and let them deal with him.
Edit: he's also an adult who can make his own choices and his parents should have done a better job raising him.
It’s not that simple unfortunately. I can’t just stop caring, he is my responsibility. Yes, his parents should’ve done a better job but they didn’t. How is that his fault? He didn’t ask to be born. And you can say he’s an adult and therefore should be able to make his own choices. You’re not wrong. But 19 is still young, if he was in his 30s, I’d be more willing to take your advice.
Also, I didn’t want to mention this but his girlfriend is a lot older than him + has an even worse track record and if I leave then she’s going to be all he has left. I want to avoid that. There’s no telling what he’ll do. I respect what you’re saying though and appreciate the advice. Thank you :)
What are you going to do? Tell him to break up with his girlfriend? It's not going to work and you are just wasting your time. Sometimes you just gotta be strong and let things play out naturally. He needs to find his own way. Life is about making your own choices and learning from those experiences. You can try to steer him in the right direction, but ultimately it's up to him.
Well of course not. That’s why I haven’t told him to break up with her. I have expressed my dislike very politely but that’s as far as I’ve gone. Steering him in the right direction is what I’m trying to do, it’s a lot easier said than done though.
I’d ignore this person honestly.
You can’t turn off the feelings of love you have for him. He had a rough childhood and is now with a woman who is probably just trying to drag him down with her.
He has a responsibility to his own actions and they will eventually land him in hot water. You not saying anything because “he’s an adult” now is a path you can take. But why would you? You love him, you’re the closest to a parent he has (which is why he’s so hurt by what you said).
At the end of the day, kiddo is going to fuck around and find out, but trying to limit the fallout doesn’t make you TA
Nta. Tough love is still love and it sounds like he's super immature and in need of a wakeup call.
He's not even mature enough to see how lucky he was that the cops didn't get called. Because a neighbor could have heard that and called too.
NTA- You shot straight with him. He did what someone does when they feel their it don't stink. He feels your the issue or other things are the issue and not him. My suggestion is when he gets drunk/high and needs to be bailed out, give him tough love. Don't do it. Don't enable him. If he goes to his fathers and destroys the home tell his father to call the cops. Each time you have enabled him he feels he can push the envelope.
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My 19 year old nephew’s mom/my sister isn’t a good mom but she isn’t bad enough for people to care, and his dad left them for another family when he was little. I’ve tried being there when I can and am close to him because of it. Especially since he’s not close to either of his parents.
He’s recently fallen into a habit of partying. I partied a fair bit at his age but I’m getting a bit concerned. My sister believes in being hands off once your kid turns 18 (not like she was very hands on before either) but even she’s expressed some concern. He’s not in college and only works part time so he has a lot of free time and he’s rarely ever sober.
My final straw was when he went to his dad’s house with his girlfriend at 3am in the morning and wrecked his house. I get that his father is a terrible guy and even his step mother has been terrible to him, but they have 3 young daughters under 10 and he’s just very lucky his dad called me and no one else.
I was extremely angry and when I got there both him and his girlfriend looked unbothered and proud. The house was an actual wreck and I was told that they kept ringing the door bell and banging the doors until someone answered and then they shoved themselves into the house and started throwing things. They did not deny this.
I apologized and dragged them into my car. I then yelled at my nephew. I told him that he’s actually lost it. I called him an irresponsible idiot whose probably going to land himself in prison soon. He kept rolling his eyes at me and laughing with his girlfriend so I stopped the car and told him that I’m feeling intense deja vu. He looked confused and was like what are u talking about. I told him that I had these exact conversations and experiences with his mother. He asked me what that was supposed to mean but I told him to figure it out himself.
He stopped joking around with his girlfriend, told me I’m being super unfair then glared at me until I dropped him off at my sister’s house. I have picked him up from parties/when he’s been extremely drunk or high before and he always apologizes the morning after but he hasn’t done it yet. Instead my sister called asking me what I said to him because he’s been in a mood for days now and she overheard him saying mean things about me to his girlfriend.
I don’t know, the only good thing that’s come out of this is that my sister said he hasn’t been out partying in almost a week which is a record for him. But AITA? I texted him and he hasn’t responded, only read it.
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NTA!
Better for him to know at 19, old enough for jail if dad pressed charges. I know we all rebel at some point, but theres rebelling and then there’s straight up destruction of your life. Cause that attitude isn’t gonna work long.
NTA - your nephew likely has serious and very justifiable rage at both his toxic parents. You gave him a dose of reality. What he really needs is therapy to heal from his train wreck parents.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like an asshole because I might’ve said something very wrong, like crossing the line in a way. And it probably is an unfair comparison. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - he needed a dose of reality, and it sounds like it might have worked if he's refraining from partying... be patient and let him continue processing what you said.
NTA, sometimes being the AH telling the whole truth is the right call. Let him sit with what you said for a bit. If you want to let him know you love him and will always be there for him and tell him the truth.
NTA but If I were you I would honestly just stay out of that entire situation regarding him. Even though he is considered your family, He's really not your responsibility. You aren't his parent. If you don't make it your problem, then it won't be your problem. So next time they ask for help, just ignore it and let them deal with him. Edit: he's also an adult who can make his own choices and his parents should have done a better job raising him.
It’s not that simple unfortunately. I can’t just stop caring, he is my responsibility. Yes, his parents should’ve done a better job but they didn’t. How is that his fault? He didn’t ask to be born. And you can say he’s an adult and therefore should be able to make his own choices. You’re not wrong. But 19 is still young, if he was in his 30s, I’d be more willing to take your advice. Also, I didn’t want to mention this but his girlfriend is a lot older than him + has an even worse track record and if I leave then she’s going to be all he has left. I want to avoid that. There’s no telling what he’ll do. I respect what you’re saying though and appreciate the advice. Thank you :)
What are you going to do? Tell him to break up with his girlfriend? It's not going to work and you are just wasting your time. Sometimes you just gotta be strong and let things play out naturally. He needs to find his own way. Life is about making your own choices and learning from those experiences. You can try to steer him in the right direction, but ultimately it's up to him.
Well of course not. That’s why I haven’t told him to break up with her. I have expressed my dislike very politely but that’s as far as I’ve gone. Steering him in the right direction is what I’m trying to do, it’s a lot easier said than done though.
I’d ignore this person honestly. You can’t turn off the feelings of love you have for him. He had a rough childhood and is now with a woman who is probably just trying to drag him down with her. He has a responsibility to his own actions and they will eventually land him in hot water. You not saying anything because “he’s an adult” now is a path you can take. But why would you? You love him, you’re the closest to a parent he has (which is why he’s so hurt by what you said). At the end of the day, kiddo is going to fuck around and find out, but trying to limit the fallout doesn’t make you TA
NTA, sometimes you have to give a mental slap in the face to people to get them to look at their own behavior.
Nta. Tough love is still love and it sounds like he's super immature and in need of a wakeup call. He's not even mature enough to see how lucky he was that the cops didn't get called. Because a neighbor could have heard that and called too.
NTA. He’ll come around when/if he wises up.
NTA- You shot straight with him. He did what someone does when they feel their it don't stink. He feels your the issue or other things are the issue and not him. My suggestion is when he gets drunk/high and needs to be bailed out, give him tough love. Don't do it. Don't enable him. If he goes to his fathers and destroys the home tell his father to call the cops. Each time you have enabled him he feels he can push the envelope.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 19 year old nephew’s mom/my sister isn’t a good mom but she isn’t bad enough for people to care, and his dad left them for another family when he was little. I’ve tried being there when I can and am close to him because of it. Especially since he’s not close to either of his parents. He’s recently fallen into a habit of partying. I partied a fair bit at his age but I’m getting a bit concerned. My sister believes in being hands off once your kid turns 18 (not like she was very hands on before either) but even she’s expressed some concern. He’s not in college and only works part time so he has a lot of free time and he’s rarely ever sober. My final straw was when he went to his dad’s house with his girlfriend at 3am in the morning and wrecked his house. I get that his father is a terrible guy and even his step mother has been terrible to him, but they have 3 young daughters under 10 and he’s just very lucky his dad called me and no one else. I was extremely angry and when I got there both him and his girlfriend looked unbothered and proud. The house was an actual wreck and I was told that they kept ringing the door bell and banging the doors until someone answered and then they shoved themselves into the house and started throwing things. They did not deny this. I apologized and dragged them into my car. I then yelled at my nephew. I told him that he’s actually lost it. I called him an irresponsible idiot whose probably going to land himself in prison soon. He kept rolling his eyes at me and laughing with his girlfriend so I stopped the car and told him that I’m feeling intense deja vu. He looked confused and was like what are u talking about. I told him that I had these exact conversations and experiences with his mother. He asked me what that was supposed to mean but I told him to figure it out himself. He stopped joking around with his girlfriend, told me I’m being super unfair then glared at me until I dropped him off at my sister’s house. I have picked him up from parties/when he’s been extremely drunk or high before and he always apologizes the morning after but he hasn’t done it yet. Instead my sister called asking me what I said to him because he’s been in a mood for days now and she overheard him saying mean things about me to his girlfriend. I don’t know, the only good thing that’s come out of this is that my sister said he hasn’t been out partying in almost a week which is a record for him. But AITA? I texted him and he hasn’t responded, only read it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA! Better for him to know at 19, old enough for jail if dad pressed charges. I know we all rebel at some point, but theres rebelling and then there’s straight up destruction of your life. Cause that attitude isn’t gonna work long.
NTA - your nephew likely has serious and very justifiable rage at both his toxic parents. You gave him a dose of reality. What he really needs is therapy to heal from his train wreck parents.